Domestic Violence, the law and Autistic spouses

What can I say, that has not already been said and understood by us NT wives? I have been married to a man with Asperger’s for 17 years and we have three children.

It is bloody hard work being with him, I have actually moved out twice with the kids, as he said he would rather burn the house down than let me have it. The second time I had a restraining order put on him and I moved out again with the kids. I had no face to face contact with him for 6 months. It was peace.

However, his stalking ways were scary, police and the law were useless. I gave in and spoke to him six months later in regards to the kids and his actions for court proceeding in regards to having the kids visit. He wanted them five nights a fortnight. He had to be joking.

Seriously, with all his neglect and giving his twelve-year-old daughter the silent treatment for eight days! Even mediation said he had rights as a father! Tell me, with all the information out there about ASD and our sad stories of the hardship of living with someone who has Asperger’s, they still have equal rights, especially when it is abuse.

He drank alcohol often, it never brought the best out of him, never in fact! Like living with Jeckle and Hyde. Verbally spewed jargon, crap, only he understood. I gave him time. I said regularly via text, if you give up the alcohol and go and see the psychologist about Asperger’s. Get help! I will consider speaking with him! We worked through a lot of the past, to work better on our future as a healthy family again.

However, I still have doubts now and then and basically three strikes you’re out! That will be it! I won't subject myself or our kids through the pain and misery, of being with a father who just won't or can’t try and figure it out. I have supported him and now I tell him occasionally to go and see the psychologist for help. I am your wife, not your counsellor!

I get tapped out, exhausted in fact regularly, almost daily, trying to think like someone with Asperger’s, so I can relate to him and help him understand! But trying to get something in return, such as validation, is non-existent!

He did an emotional coaching course for kids, so I would have thought he may have learnt to put some of it into practice with me! Only when it suits. I told him he can be manipulating!

Sometimes I wonder how much do they recognise being Asperger’s and how much they don’t want to recognise? Some days are good and some not so good.

He said to me the other day that I don't love him! I replied I love you, but it's not the way you think I should, he gave me a dirty look. I know he understood what I said. So why do they act like they don't get other stuff? Is it because they don't care to see it from another perspective? If they practice five minutes a day, practice seeing from another perspective, it may help them to gain interpersonal skills. I am sure it may not be too late to train an old dog new tricks. It's just that they need to do it because they want to and not expect a reward!

I realised my husband had Asperger’s in 2013. I finally figured it out. I thought I was going mad and was almost ready for a breakdown. If I seem harsh in relation to Asperger’s and my husband, it's because it’s been a damned hard road!

I experienced everything typical of an ASD/NT relationship and basically it takes all my strength to stay at it in the marriage! He is a nice guy when he tries but not so good when he doesn’t. I have told him that too.

Best wishes to everyone. You know in your heart, what you can handle and what you can't anymore. Don't feel guilty. Say it as it is to them! After all they say exactly what they want, without remorse at times!

Jan © 2017