Behind the Mask
I unknowingly married an Aspie after a period of being his special interest.
Like everyone else has said, once the mask falls all you are left with is a special needs caretaking role. Like all of you I lived with the disgusting unsanitary habits, lack of hygiene, explosive anger, mistrust, constant accusations, rules, control, social gaffes, meltdowns, dishonesty...he admitted to his ASD and to having oppositional defiant disorder; but always denied that his disorders had any effect on me whatsoever. EVERYTHING was my fault or my children's fault- his kids were absolutely perfect and above reproach in any way. Blame was assigned for the smallest things- someone always had to be wrong. Everything out of his mouth was critical and angry.
I too had a cancer scare and did I receive one bit of loving support? NO. Instead he had a three-day meltdown and refused to speak to me or stay in a room with me- called me an adulterer because a male doctor had seen the lump in my breast.
He truly thought he owned me. If I was five minutes "late" home from the store I would get an angry phone call accusing me of using the trip as an excuse to meet another man. I was expected to report ANY words I exchanged with any other male to him immediately. If I ever failed say that so and so had spoken to me and he found out later, there was hell to pay. It was "proof" I was untrustworthy and I would have to "earn" his trust and my freedom again.
All in all, four separate marriage counselors strongly advised me to leave him. Finally, I did, but not soon enough. My advice is, if you can leave- just do it. It will not get better. Ever. Stop wasting your time on delusions that they will change. They will change- but not for the better. Save yourself. No matter what the cost, it is worth it. I sleep on the floor, I eat from the food pantry. But I am free.
It's taken me a long time to process the damage this has done, and will take me a life time to undo. Meanwhile despite his tears, begging, proclamations that he will never love anyone else, that I have broken him, that he would take a bullet for me, he moved on immediately. Was sleeping around before I even moved out. I was completely interchangeable with the next woman he could hitch himself to. Two weeks after I left he had introduced his whole family to the new "love of his life."
You have value, you matter. You deserve so much more than a life taking the abuse an adult partner with ASD will throw at you. Especially when, in the end, they simply do NOT care about you as an individual at all!!