As the male NT partner, and in this particular moment in my life, I don't even know where to begin. So, first things first: THANK YOU so much for the site and for your hard work to raise awareness of the hidden drama that's going on behind the scenes of a NT/AS relationship. I strongly believe that's the ONLY constructive way to tackle the problem.

"Mommy" is tired of answering questions. But I don't have any actual kids in my home. I have a husband with autism. No, I don't know what that thing on the carpet is. No, I don't know what that paper in the front yard is. I wish you could get out of your recliner and go look since I'm making dinner with a headache and three weeks of heart palpitations. I'm tired of being grilled for the most basic information that other people just intuit from normal interactions. You're locked out of your online bank account because I screwed up on the password a bunch of times because I didn't know you'd changed it. Oh, but 1,600 questions later, you're sort of understanding the situation. 'Did you actually mean 1,600 questions, because I only asked three questions and how is that "grilling?"' Mommy needs a break.

Thank you for all I read here,it proves we are not alone,somebody understands and does not shun us. I started my life's journey with this man in 1989 when the Berlin Wall came down and my wall started to be built brick by brick by making him more important than my own breath.28 years later my wall is finished,him on the other side,being married in the process of getting legally separated,him upstairs,me downstairs,not being able to say a single word to him,the stranger who claimed all his rights,helped by everybody and loving his cat. I am grateful we are finally done with me trying to fix him. Every day is another day I can live in freedom making decisions,understanding myself,hoping for joy and being lucky,follow simple guidelines being financially independent,rebuilding the resemblance of a social life,feel the pain,break down and an hour later had not acted upon it but felt my way through it.So proud of myself. I learnt so much,discovered my strengths and weaknesses found out what people do not like about me and accept that too. 28 years for nothing?I will be 60 this year and it is as if he is dead but look! he does exactly the same,looks the same,dresses the same,eats the same but is finally in a house that's paid for,in receipt of two pensions and his son can look after him where it used to be my part.B (for the life of me I cannot call him my husband,friend,lover,partner,man but he is a glorified caretaker and maintenance man)told the health worker in our kitchen in my presence that his next of kin is his son. Today and every day now when I am in our house I live by a simple thought and mantra " I do nothing against him and nothing for him " and this makes me a better person and I smile a lot.Often I actively close off to his presence,not wanting to know anything about him anymore,go shopping just for me,our stocks bought by me are slowly but surely getting less,this is missing,gone,finished.He will have to buy these things soon.What a relief as I do not feel obliged or driven anymore out of fear being shouted at,belittled and criticised for everything yet nothing. I am on my way and quite curious and really grateful for what life will offer up.Thank you for reading this! Please write here,too.We do matter for one another.

Every single one of the testimonies that I just read through are spot on. It is a very tough, lonely life to live in this manner. I am constantly criticized, chastised, insulted, and even humiliated because I let my wife know how much I am deprived of sensual, friendly, compassionate, and even normal human contact. It is always about her and her pain. While I get the pain issues, what I don't get is why or how anybody can treat another human the way I get treated. One moment it's "I Love You", then the next words uttered is something unbelievably hateful. She blames me for all of her issues, her pain, her hate, her resentment. She also blames me for things that she does to me, such as not being respectful of her time, cooking (she has never cooked a meal for me at home). She treats others as vessels that have things to help her but only very rarely reciprocates. She has no true friends and her eldest son does his best to put up with her theatrics. We spend many nights in separate bedrooms because she gets angry and leaves when I bring relationship, finance, family or any topic for that matter, up at bedtime. Then the hateful text messages start. I have finally been able to ignore them When I have had enough of being isolated (usually three or more weeks), I bring them up during waking moments, those issues get brushed off as unimportant or everything gets tossed into the sex realm. I would love to just have a normal marriage where I can bring things up to my wife. I do listen to her of course, whenever and wherever topics are brought up but rarely am I listened to in those conversations so I end up just listening without getting to say anything. I understand that listening is absolutely essential in a marriage, however that should happen both ways when needed. I don’t have that luxury. I don’t know what is right and wrong, real or imaginary anymore. Without a doubt, I am going through some traumatic disorder as the days drag on without any potential for my wife to embrace our marriage.

Hello dear fellow partners of Aspies, This is what I understand. There is no reflective moment, no sadness, pain, physical or emotional, no grief, no small human feeling in me to which my husband will respond with empathy for me. Instead, those particular moments are entirely about his anger, his needs, his headache, his pain, his disappointment in my failure to be a better wife. It took me a few years to understand that this was no coincidence. I understand that if I don't bow to his greater needs, our marriage will not make it through the day. Because, for my husband, he is always and ever the most in pain, working the hardest, earning the most money, cleaning the kitchen the most and the best, controlling the food, the washing, doing all of the driving on the holidays, the dominant partner and the dominant parent. My husband actually believes he is our marriage and our life. With young children and run off my feet most days, I am treading water. I have become very good at emotionally insulating myself, almost to the point of numbness. Also, there are amazingly lots of great things in our lives together and he is a good Dad while the children are very young, I believe this will change. Its such a hard, complex and very lonely problem. Best wishes to you all

What a great site and it is a relief to find others in the same boat. I liked JA Morgan's neat table. Effects of Differing Neuro Developmental Levels On Neurotypical/autism Adult Relationships. It was a great summary of the various aspects of Asperger's and how it affects the behaviors of people with it and the impact of those behaviors on those who for one reason or another have to be in close physical and/or psychological proximity with them.

I recently came to the realization that my husband is somewhere on the autism spectrum. I'm not entirely sure that it's ASD, but I know from his behavior and characteristics that he's on the spectrum. I first read through the testimonials listed here and it was refreshing to know that I am not the only one suffering in an isolated, parent-child marriage. Like many of you, I have been chalked up as a "mean wife" to my "sweet natured" husband who appears "nice, yet quiet" while at the same time completely lacks skills associated with finances, social/personal responsibility. When we dated, it was the typical qualities that made me fall for him. Being in the same house however, watching him struggle time and again and never quite understanding what those quirks such as stimming, repetitive responses, lack of eye contact were all about, I thought momentarily that I was the crazy one. I suspect that our pastor and other friends who've tried counseling us believe we are just a couple in a young marriage trying to figure things out. Wrong. I wasn't born last night, and I've always known Brian to be "different," but could never adequately explain this different-ness. I once was asked by a friend who tried offering her support, "what's your problem" when I tried explaining the baffling nature of our marriage and all she could see was a kind man. Make no mistake, he is kind. Unlike some of the testimonials, my husband is not mean-natured, but does lack empathy for others and takes a "it's them not me" approach to nearly every situation, causing him to justify his lack of responsibility. I don't blame him at all for his condition, but I lack patience for one who does not take steps to help themselves. Further, I've found myself resentful toward his parents for not getting him the help he needed as a child. Perhaps his situation would be different (though I don't know the fully story behind his upbringing; perhaps they did try to help him and he refused it). I am the bill payer, time manager, calendar keeper, cook, mother, housekeeper. I've put my life aspirations on hold because I simply don't have time with the demanding responsibilities going on. Twice I've taken vacations without him (which is a way for me to take a break from the overwhelming burden of taking care of a grown adult) and have been made to feel guilty for doing so. Before him, I was an independent woman, taking care of myself and child and living life with ambition and gusto. Those days are a mere memory and my resentment toward him grows everyday as a result. I should also note that he has been diagnosed with ADHD. Coupled with AS, it is a whirlwind in our household. I don't want to sound like the uncompassionate wife, but it is so hard. I long to have intellectual conversation with other adults. My 10yo is intellectually and emotionally more mature than he. It saddens me because I don't want to quit my marriage, but I'm alone now more than when I was single. He has agreed to counseling, but doesn't follow therapeutic advise. The problem is, he's seeing someone who is not clinically trained in treating adults on the AS. In the age of the internet, I am so shocked at the few or lack of resources for spouses of someone on the AS. Further, is there not formal education for clinicians on this very niche and hard to explain disorder? This site is about as close as I've come to finding anything and I'm grateful for that. It adds a little hope to our future. God bless all of you out there who may be in similar predicaments.

After reading your site and the valuable information here I'm convinced Donald J Trump, President of the USA has autism, with the co-morbid psychopathy and narcissism. My husband has autism and he's excluded from jury duty and the military because of the deficits. The Presidency should also be an exclusion.

Wow...It's hard to describe what it's like to be hit with the realization that the impossible situation you have been dealing with is all due to something you've never heard of before. Asperger's. For the last 7 months I've been meeting with this nice girl, we're in our 50's, and I've never been so utterly confused, hurt, lonely, unhappy - while being so drawn to her it's impossible to stop thinking about her. I can only describe it as the simultaneous feeling of being so close to someone, and yet still feeling as though they're a million miles away. She would behave when we were together as if we were getting closer and closer and closer in our "relationship' then as soon as we were apart, it was almost like we'd never even met. She would invite mer to her house to visit, and eventually even came to my house to visit, but would never come out with me in public, would never sit with me if we were at the same public event, and still to this day, will not come out and do anything with me. Despite how much fun and enjoyment we both seem to experience when we're together. The pain and confusion is almost unbearable. It makes you ask - what could I possibly be doing wrong. Well - nothing. There's nothing this nice young lady can do about it. Nothing. She doesn't miss me when we're apart. She doesn't wish we could get closer. She doesn't hope that our relationship gets stronger. She says she really wants to be friends and doesn't want to "lose" me, which was a surprising thing to hear. However she just doesn't seem capable of really participating in a friendship. She has no real friends of her own, no past boyfriends that are still in her life, she's divorced. She reports that one of her son's has AS, but has never said anything about herself potentially having it. But it's obvious. The pain that comes from trying to enjoy life by being close to someone with AS, and not knowing it, is only slightly relieved by finding out about AS in the first place. I think I might have gone completely insane had I not discovered this "difference" in people. I would have thought I was not worthy of her affection, a worthless person and I would have gone mad wondering what was wrong with me. I think all I can do is quietly and compassionately move on. I will respond to her when she contacts me, but I can't invite her out anymore, only to have her change her mind many times, eventually to cancel at the last minute and leave me in despair. She can't help it. Why do we fall in love with them? they are so beautiful on the inside, in many ways. And yet it is a trainwreck waiting to happen - if we don't find a way to separate our lives from them. I will miss her so much.

I'm finally starting to believe that it's not me regardless of what my spouse or others say. This is a strange relationship that requires me to see two counselors and take antidepressants just to remain in the relationship. It's a strange world where a counselor can make a living from dealing with my situation for one hour per week while I deal 24/7 and receive no compensation whatsoever. No financial, emotional, physical, or satisfying relational reimbursement. Conversely, I've lost so much emotionally, physically, and relationally that I don't know if full recovery is possible.

I'm a psychologist and cannot believe I missed the signs that he has Asperger's. All of the signs were there: stimming, repetitive behaviors, rigid adherence to routines, overly intense eye contact, odd beliefs about social interactions, lack of empathy, etc. He was amazing while we were dating, but the second we became engaged, it all came flooding out. We would fight constantly. His rage was unbelievable, and it would take him days to weeks to calm down. During one of his rages, I would get 100s of text and emails telling how horrible I am and how it is all my fault. It was always over something he thought I was saying as a slight to him or something that violated his precious rules. He became verbally abusive, would accuse me of all manner of things, tell me I was being irrational if I got upset, and made everything about him. He would ask me about my feelings, and then immediately invalidate them and take them on as his own. If I said that I felt betrayed, he would tell me why I couldn't possibly feel that way and that it was he who felt betrayed. Then that's all I would hear about for the next week...how I betrayed him by saying I felt betrayed. We went to therapy, and I specifically chose a psychologist with strong relationship therapy skills. The psychologist told him that I was the one being verbally abusive!! Apparently me saying "what if I said this to you...how would that make you feel?" was me being abusive. After a year of this I asked myself what was happening. I'm a psychologist! I can communicate effectively with anyone and problem solve with the best of them. Why couldn't I just get through to him or meet his standards? It was while I was doing a training on testing for Autism for my coworkers that it hit me that he has Asperger's. I ran it by him, and after doing some research, he amazingly said that he agreed that the diagnosis fit. After another major fight, he went back to the see our old therapist. The therapist told him that the "emotional outbursts" and difficulty with communication between he and I was not due to his high functioning Autism but because I clearly have Borderline Personality Disorder!!! My hope that he would finally get some help in recognizing that he verbally abuses me and that I'm having emotional breakdowns as a result was thrown out the window. This quack of a psychologist dismissed all of his Autism symptoms, excused them away and slapped a diagnosis on me instead. Never mind that I've never had any difficulties like this in past relationships and have friendships with people Ive known since I was 3 years old. Never mind that I've always been described as the "unemotional one" or the "rational one" or the "guys girl" because I think more like a male. I tried to stick in there and at one point even considered that maybe he was right. Maybe it is me who has the problem. Thankfully, I work with a large team of psychologists who pointed out all of the flaws in that guy's diagnostic abilities. I finally left the relationship, but that didn't stop my now former fiancé from threatening to kill me. He threatened to shoot me but then said that wouldn't be as satisfying as strangling me. Of course, he couldn't understand why that made me soon upset and "irrational." But he then told his therapist that I was the one who threatened to kill him and that I'm suicidal!! The lies and manipulation are unbelievable. And there are many people who believe him. He has managed to make me look like the unstable one! I wish I had never met him. I'm still in love with the man he pretended to be in the beginning, and I have to remind myself every day of who he really is. I hate to say it, but my own profession failed me. We are ridiculously inept at understanding what it is really like to be in a relationship with someone with high functioning Autism. Part of me wants to change this, but the other part of me wants to run as far away from all things Autism as possible.

Do I have a right to call myself a NT spouse because the $1000.00 psychological work-up said he has many "behaviors consistent with someone who has AS." However because he didn't demonstrate any tics and could make eye contact during the evaluation, there was no diagnosis of AS. I am so frustrated, angry, lonely and at the end of my rope. He tics like a clock at home and makes overly intense eye contact with me or none at all. But at 46 years old he plays this game with the best of them. Various people don't believe me. "He sounds depressed." "Just play some music and get in touch with spiritual things." No! This is a four-alarm fire! I need the whole fire brigade. And to the person who posted about just being diagnosed with cancer September 6th. I'm so sorry about this scary event. And so sorry about your husband's outrageous response.

Here is a slice of my life with my ASD husband. I am told I have breast cancer by the doctor over the phone. During the conversation I text my H with the news. I hang up just as my ASH walks into the house. I am utterly devastated as you can imagine. He's furious. I forgot to unlock the garage for him and he had to walk to the front door. I tell him through my sobbing that it's been an awful day and I forgot. He yells, "Well then, keep the garage unlocked until you feel better!" I cry out that I just found out I have cancer! "Agh!" he barks back, "It's not such a big deal!" He remains angry for two hours about the garage. What was that really all about? His conclusion that my forgetting was an insult to HIM. It has been hard to recognize the disorder because Aspies can imitate NT's so well and appear very normal. There needs to be more societal education about this profound but often hidden disability so that people don't unknowingly have to go through this hell. I read about how Aspies have too much feeling, too much empathy. That is such nonsense. They may think empathy, but do not feel it. They may think feelings but do not truly feel them. The experts need to get real. The emotions of those with ASD are more like SPONTANEOUS REACTIONS, Like screaming when startled, laughing at a joke, or their outbursts of reactive anger, but no reflective emotion is there. The emotions of ASD are NOT REFLECTIVE, NOT INTEGRATED into or connected to an internal emotional landscape. For there is no internality to be grasped, or that even develops into an adult ego. ASD is a profound emotional deficit so that feelings are fleeting, fragmented and superficial and where any introspective capacity is extremely impoverished. There is no internal, felt sense of an emotion. What a disaster for a marriage. They should marry each other.

I am in process of divorcing my ex husband. After we split up (23 years we were together with 2 children), he was diagnosed. He went into denial and I was never allowed to mention it. It was a marriage of convenience for him. I was his mother in some regards (there was no intimacy on any level), and I was ignored for most of our marriage. Some of the things I suffered that I had to endure on my own were horrific. My son was kidnapped, he nearly died of septacemia, I was incredibly ill (and still have health issues), and all I got was ok get on with it, not a cuddle nothing. If he wanted my attention he would whistle for me, if I threatened to leave he would bully me, in the end through my faith in God I found the strength to throw him out. He went, he was devastated and despite everything I still loved him. We tried counselling and she suggested to me he get a diagnosis and so he went to pyschiatrist and they agreed. Aspergers. He went into full melt down, said its not that and we never spoke about it again. Since then he has moved on, ignores kids whilst I had a full breakdown. I was in hospital and there they said I had Stockholm syndrome. I get that. When someone is violent you exist to them. When someone ignores you, then you don't exist and to not exist is damaging in every way. I had a few relationships after but couldn't cope with normality. My ex made me a cup of tea and I burst into tears, he listened to me, yet all the time I was used to my ex. My ex husband said if I had a boob job, if I were more thrilling none of this would've happened. When I had my breakdown it took a year to start to believe it wasn't me. Even now 2 years on and I'm trying build whatever shreds of self esteem I have left. My son who's 7 has been diagnosed and my daughter who's 12 has issues. My ex husband has a girlfriend who moved into his straight away (he's very attractive and loaded), yet he hardly sees kids. It's heartbreaking. So sadly our divorce is now having to go to court as he refused to pay for us and wants the kids and I out of our marital home. I can't write much else except this, for those of you in an Aspergers marriage - if he is in denial it cannot work and will not work. If he admits then like an alcoholic you can work on this with counselling. Otherwise get out. God gave you your life to lead, not someone to abuse it. It's not fair on those who love you to see you suffer, don't say it's comfort and security, I had a wealthy lifestyle and left it all behind, you can move on but if you don't you only have yourself to blame. No one forces you to stay, you have a choice and please find all the strength you can and go. Of course you will always love them, I still do my ex but I know it is not a love that is real. Love is not control, it's what he's done to you. I cry every day as I am still trying come to terms with my life and marriage, but I've got out and it can only get better. God bless you all x

I have been married to an undiagnosed Aspie for 28 years. Before we were married I was a happy, outgoing motivated goal setter. I started off our marriage optimistic for a wonderful future together but at each turn my husband would put me down for my enthusiasm and happy disposition. I worked hard at my career, in the home and rearing two children and he let me!! Doing the very least he could. To every question I ever asked his reply was always a NO! Eventually I entered into an angry stage for a few years then onto a bargaining phase where I blamed myself and went to relationship counselling 3 times by myself and a further 2 times with husband, not that it made any difference nor did the expensive relationship seminars I attended. I then went onto a phase of depression that has lasted 10 years. I have recently another 18 months of counselling. Why have I not left? I believed it would break up the family. Having known me as a fun loving positive Mum my grown up children believe I have become an irrational, over reactive drama queen. Their father in comparison seems a calm logical rational person and that is how he likes it. Now he sits back whilst my children do the criticizing and laps it up. In front of them he pretends he is completely competent but in reality it is only because every decision that has ever needed to be made I have been forced to make. He has effectively made me his substitute mother. He has seen me seriously ill, crying and distressed, asking for a divorce and not a flicker of emotion has passed his face. The loneliness envelopes me on a daily basis and it is hard to keep going. I have contemplated suicide a number of times as I cannot see a future where I am not stressed out and deeply sad. The worst thing is that my children cannot support me as they do not see what is really occurring but then I cant blame them as I only just realised what was happening myself.

I am so grateful for this site. I have returned to it often over the course of this year. I only wish I had this resource as a child and then as an adult when I found myself married and in a similar relationship to that of my parents. Both my father and my husband are on the Aspie-continuum. Now divorced, with three kids I border on regret and think I went crazy...until I read the chart on this webisite- When I read "Death by a thousand paper cuts" I cry. I wince at the terms of my divorce and struggle but then I realize "of course" then divorce and issues we continue to have will suffer from the same issues our marriage had. Initially I think- will suffer from the same issues that I have but am still coming to see that MY issues might not be just MY issues, at all. I have a lot to heal. Thank you for the resources. Thank you all for the testimonies- at some point I will be able to read them all- it is just hard right now and I trust I will be able to find the ability to have the conversations with my children without it seeming like I am being hurtful toward their father or influencing their relationship negatively.

What an incredible relief to read all of your testimonials! Thank you for sharing your stories, you give validation to my feelings. have been desperately lonely throughout my 23 year marriage. Everyone thinks he's the perfect husband because when he's with others, he "interviews" them. He asks dozens of questions about them and never talks about himself. People take it for caring but it's not. It's just the way that he's learned to get along with people. When I tried to develop a support system so that I could get the strength to leave him, he called everyone to get them on his side. He called my friends and family and convinced everyone that I was crazy to want to leave. He even called my therapist and tried to get her on his side. In the end I gave up. Now, I'm almost 50 and I have a pretty short amount of time left on this planet. I don't want to spend the rest of my life controlled, manipulated, lonely and neglected, but I know that breaking up the family will be hard on everyone and that he will be ruthless if I divorce him.

I have been living with my undiagnosed aspie husband for a quarter of a century! For many years I worked with young children with ASD and in a cruel twist of fate my first born was diagnosed with severe autism. Yet I never saw clearly the truth about my own marriage because the daily trauma I suffered at the hands of my husband didn't allow me to think straight for even a moment. I have been blamed, lied to, screamed at, had objects thrown at me, pushed, kicked, slapped, threatened, intimidated, manipulated, bullied, abandoned, neglected, refused any personal space, denied every possible basic human need and then called selfish and demanding. I have been wished dead, isolated, humiliated, laughed at when crying and evicted from my home when unbeknownst to me, my husband found compulsive gambling to be the answer to all his issues. And not another living sole has seen any of it to give support to my claims. I have climbed out of pits of despair and loneliness, black holes of depression and found a steely resolve and iron will that I never dreamed I had in me. I have used every NT trait to my advantage and refused to be destroyed. I will cry no more over what I have dubbed 'the emotional cripple'. If he was paralysed, I would not keep pushing the wheelchair while he reached around every hour to slap my face (no matter what vows I made on my wedding day). I was deceived by a skilled actor who pretended to be someone he wasn't when we met and I have paid an astronomical emotional and psychological price. I have been a slave to my own empathy for decades because of this disorder. It may be hard to believe but I am not bitter, resentful or angry (anymore). I have justified, concealed, advocated for, protected, mothered, begged, assisted and enabled this man at my own expense for far too long. I cant save the drowning man who can't swim when he keeps pulling me under too.

My husband I believe has undiagnosed Aspergers, He is not well. He is violent. He is mean. He is obsessed with objects, things. He lacks emphathy. I wish I could say positive things about being married to him, but I can't. It is hell. I am in hell. My kids are in hell. There is no relief for those of us suffering.

The updated Impacts and Deficits Table is brilliant. It describes exactly why there's no connect in my marriage. His developmental immaturity precisely describes why I feel like his mother. I know he believes I am his mother. The new title makes it really clear what the chart is about: Effects of Differing Developmental Levels on NT/ASD Adult Relationships. Loved the book "No Team Player" To see the truth of what a struggle it is was enlightening.

I've just read the book, and for the first time realised that if I am borderline it is a response to 30 years with my husband. I hate weekends and holidays, hate waiting for the next crisis, hate the thought of being alone with him when the kids leave. He acts like he hates me, then tells me I'm the only one. I want to find hope for the future, but it may not be together, because I don't feel that we ever have been together. I pray I have not damaged my kids. I feel like I have lost myself. Thank you all for sharing your stories, and please keep doing the research.

Hello Everyone, I thought in the spirit of the season I would share what has become a hopeful journey for myself and family.Four months ago I moved out of the family home of twenty years and into an apartment for a year long experiment with my youngest child.Not a single extended family member understood my action and although never verbally unsupportive they left me alone, and that is how I felt utterly alone .But there was something inside of me that said enough of trying to accomplish the impossible and I stopped. Surprise of all surprises we are getting along a lot better. My children have become accepting and my husband is clearly happier. As I told my coworkers it's not him I cannot tolerate it's living with the Aspergers every day that I could not do any more. A peaceful hope filled new year to all who are traveling this very difficult road.

My Daddy has Aspergers, but I have no doubt it would ever be admitted. Totally undiagnosed, but we ( his children ) have no doubt. My mom has really suffered as well. They are both now in their 80's & still together. My Father is now doing most of the care taking...OMG. There are 4 of us children (50's-60's).. We are miraculously all able bodied in our lives. Oh, yes there are many struggles and now at these stages of our lives they are deepening again (the struggles). In the article, "Parents with Asperger Syndrome", it states that no one has studied the impact of Aspergers on parent child development. I get why, only those who have been really do...its secret, ya know!! Today, I feel so responsible for my parents well being, it really is tremendous. Needed to vent today & there are probably a wide array of groups to study.. :)

We recently found out my wife of 10 years has AS. Three months ago I had only heard of it, and little did I know I've been living with it for so long. She accepts her diagnosis, I think, but what I don't see is much in the way of change, and I don't know how long I'll be able to hold on. I feel so lonely, I feel like I'm violating her trust by discussing it with anybody, so I feel isolated. It explains so much, but the initial joy of understanding that this is what we're facing is fading, and I'm realizing that I have the rest of my life with a spouse who doesn't realize that I'm so terribly lonely, or that so few of my needs are being met.

I want you to know I read the last two chapters of your book again.The reading is a precise concentrate of everything important for nt spouses to know. And it helps me with remembering the pain.

I am the other half - the Asperger's wife. After 28 years, my husband has told me he will divorce me. I love mind-numbing repetition--but I have been so unhappy. So has he. He has raised the children, made our house a home. He has been the caretaker I always needed, having grown up in a home without any empathy (Asperger's father and narcissistic mother). And I have given him too little. I argued about everything. I never saw the forest for the trees. I am 57. I finally discovered, a month ago, how to follow the thread of a conversation rather than letting the loud voices in my head drown out the conversation and ambush it. And then, 2 weeks ago, I found that the "intent" of a person's words was more important than even the thread of the conversation. I have learned so much over the past month--but he will now walk away. I will be alone the rest of my life. I would jump off a bridge but my children (1 Aspie, 1 Aspie traits) need me and I would never do that to them. The grief is horrendous. I have a high-powered (12-14 hour days) job, I keep going into the bathroom and crying. I can barely keep it together. But the loneliness for him, all our married life, has been a life of anguish. I am so sorry. I tried and tried; I thought I would eventually know how to have a conversation. Now I think I do and it's too late. And he gave and gave, and I took and took. How could I be so selfish, all those years? I got what I deserve. He deserves to be happy. He says he still loves me and wants to be my friend. I don't want his friendship, I want the love of my life back. The one who I walked hand in hand with down the boulevards of Paris. The one who scuba dove with me and listened to the whales singing. The one who laughs at my jokes and tells new jokes back. Is it too much to ask to try? He says the door is closed. So I guess all that's left for me is a lonely life. I am too old to try again. I dated literally hundreds of men before I found one who could love me. He is so wonderfully likable, he'll find someone before the end of the year. He won't even go to marriage counseling with me. He says he's made up his mind. He says in the past, I would try for a little while and then everything would go bad again. But I am not that person anymore. If he'll give me a chance, I will try for the rest of my life.

I very much appreciate the work put into this site. This information provides answers that I have earnestly sought. Initially I did everything I could to make this person love me. Then I tried anything just to make my spouse stop complaining. I had to hide all my deepest hopes and dreams to keep him from tearing them down and criticizing them. I have been destroyed emotionally over and over, never understanding what was going on. He showed an unbelievable lack of empathy while making sure all of his needs were met. I had a mental breakdown last year and he made us see a marriage counselor because I was out of control. I thought "thank you God". He now realizes that he has been abusive emotionally, financially and psychologically. His control, criticism and neediness pushed me over the edge after 25 years. He is trying to change is behavior but finds it difficult. I have learned to place boundaries on his behavior and follow through with consequences which works pretty well. I do not plan to stay once the kids leave.

Just wondering if anyone has had this experience of not only experiencing the total lack of emotional support from a spouse on the spectrum who doesn't even remotely understand what that means but also experiencing it from my family.I see similarities in my mother that I see in my husband but my family of origin sees my husband as a great guy and my mother as a saint. She is a wonderful but limited in her ability to validate or acknowledge emotional pain.It makes me not want to be around my family.It's as if I speak a different language.

Your website is what I have been looking for for decades-i am sure

After an explosive "final incident", I escaped a 20+ year marriage to an undiagnosed HFa. I feel wounded, empty of feelings, but so comforted by reading all of the comments. I am not alone. I ordered No Team Player, and will also order Karen Rodman's collection of NT partners' writing. It would be wonderful to have a way to meet others in local support groups. Does anyone know of efforts to do this? It is true, this is a "lonely road." Hugs and loving thoughts to all of you.

I commend you on your bravery to say it how it really is. I agree with your article about counselling us and how the so-called experts try to get us to give more and more of our already depleted selves to support the AS person that they sympathize with because they themselves have the same traits. There are so few specialist counsellors in this area for partners that I am beginning to think that those who have a special interest in it are themselves somehow affected. I found "The Bottom Line" article particularly challenging but it confirmed for me what I already felt anyway at my core. Your site is so helpful. Keep up the great work.

Thank you so much for your article about Aspie parents with NT children and the negative emotional harm it can do to the child. I have been trying for years to protect my daughter and make excuses for him. She has felt for years that he does not love her and this is heartbreaking. At times, he seems very deliberately hurtful and vindictive. He raked me over the coals during a recent custody battle, accusing me of everything from child abuse to borderline personality disorder. I was mystified at how everyone in the community (who didn't personally know me), believed every word he said and the teachers and school personnel went out of their way to "protect her from the evil and dangerous, crazy mother." They were so impressed with his "prestige" and titles, position at work and career. Because he is higher up in the school system, this was used as a battering ram against my child and I. Her teachers were grilling her about if "mommy had any boyfriends" and other inappropriate questions that had her feeling humiliated and afraid to go to school. This clearly came at his direction. No teacher would spontaneously ask a child these types of questions -- especially during a reading circle in front of their peers! Had my daughter not developed very obvious OCD, and had I not finally found a competent, highly trained and world renowned doctor who works for an entire team specializing in it, nobody would have ever known her dad has Asperger's. Although he is not "formally" diagnosed, it has become very clear this is precisely what we have been dealing with for nearly two decades. All the docs there who have met with dad several times over the years clearly see this in him. Thank God for this doctor, who has put the kabash on dad's campaign of denigration and hatred against me (for the time being at least) and has been acting as a buffer and guardian angel against the emotional trauma that has been, and continues to be inflicted on my daughter. HE BELIEVES HER! SHE IS VINDICATED! And it is fantastic! I cried when finally someone could tell her why she felt unloved, unworthy and why dad was "flapping his hands and mumbling angrily every night at home" (this is called "stimming" - which I had never heard of). While dozens of others failed to recognize glaring problems with his behavior and would occasionally comment in their written notes that he "appeared odd" they still pointed the finger at me as being a vindictive ex who wanted to turn his only daughter against a wonderful and loving daddy. If she felt he didn't love her, it must be because I brainwashed her into feeling that way. She is just one more person he is unable to develop a bond with. He has zero friends. We've been divorced for 12 years and he has yet to have another relationship. He actively works to destroy people who oppose him (even by accident or from an offhand remark he takes as literal). He is such a wonderful actor. I can see it is an act and so can the very few people who have ever seen him in private, but he is so good at wearing the mask. It is very frustrating for my poor daughter, who sees two very different people in him -- the one in public versus the one at home. The trauma for children suffering from the tantrums, lies and play acting of the asperger parent is REAL -- even though almost nobody will ever believe them. What's worse -- it appears to be permanent. I have watched two daughters suffer because of his aspergers (one was not his and he appeared to truly hate her - and still does). I can't even begin to thank you for recognizing that not all aspies are "sweet, honest, wonderful people deep down who are just so misunderstood." I am not saying they are all evil. I am just saying that the hell they inflict is REAL and very painful for those in their sphere -- and THAT, also, needs to be validated and talked about!! THANK YOU and PLEASE keep up the research on this! SO MANY CHILDREN ARE SUFFERING WITHOUT ANY VALIDATION!!

Thank God the discussions continue. For so long, I have fell alone and confused. My children are my heros because they were the only people who could see and explain all that I have experienced with their father, my husband. I have felt so relieved with our separation.

Since my separation with my husband who was an undiagnosed Asperger, I am like a feather in the sky. I am lighter because now I am alone and it seems so liberating, I am flying because 9 years of this relationship has completely left me apart from the rest of the world. With my ex-husband, I learnt the silence, the loneliness and to comply with a perpetual sense of guilt. I was a bubbly, happy and very loving wife and I am just the shadow of myself. I really do think that more should be done to help women psychologically. The worst part was that nobody listened to me or when they do;their comments were so hurtful that I learnt to shut up. After losing my husband, my ideal family, my dog and my house...I lost my pride because for everybody I was overdramatic and probably responsible for this divorce, my husband was just a man! To be denied to talk about it was a killer, I felt dirty and ashamed like a woman who has been raped and needs to prove that it is not her fault. I know it sounds too much, I don't think so. I felt like dying or wanted to die for years. Nobody wanted to know my story or what I was going through because firstly they didn't know what this condition was or had a complete "rain man" stereotype in their head. Secondly because they knew my husband and thought he was really nice, silent but really nice. I thought it too and I loved him really deeply. I have tried and tried very hard but it didn't work out and the end was ugly. Talking with my ex-husband is like smashing my head against a wall or drowning in a river. We were not talking the same language and misunderstandings were the rule. I learnt the hard way what the Asperger Syndrome was. I read books, articles. I spent hours searching on internet, spent months to recall events and make sense of my relationship. I don't know if my feet will ever touch the ground again but I am sure that I will never see the world like I used to see it before. To be able to find a website to share my story and to let the people know how I feel, and how every person living a relationship with an Asperger feels, is life saving. I have awakened from a nightmare and I would like that every Asperger person to be aware of it, I know they cannot empathise but they can be sensibilise that NT, as we are called, suffer a lot and don't receive any assistance. In this conflict, there are no winners, if we work together and help each other to understand how we apprehend the world and especially the meaning behind the words we speak, it will be the first step for reconciliation and forgiveness.

People will never understand high functioning autism without your developmental tables of Impacts and Deficits in NT/ASD Relationships and the other developmental milestone explanations. I love them. They make it very clear what Hfa is.

So grateful to visit your site,driving home from work wondering why I just can't move on. I realized that I was so angry to not receive ANY ACKNOWLEDGEMENT how this condition has ruined my married life .Wanted so desperately to have a good healing discussion with my husband where he says he is sorry for my pain and anguish and for not trying harder to own his condition and take responsibility for meeting me halfway. My own mother thinks he is wonderful. He is very smart and handy, just lives in a relatively silent world of predictability and sameness. Even the Aspergers Association of New England in their efforts to support those on the spectrum truly diminished the severe negative consequences of living with a spouse and trying to be a good parent to three children all the while doing all the emotional work alone because he just doesn't get it.Thank you for speaking to my heart.

Wow! At last a site that tells it like it is :) Thank you ;) <3 <3

Just found this site. I guess in a while I will say this has been liberating and a relief but at the moment, I feel sick. way too much recognition of long-buried pain and no hope for future change. the articles are terrific.

Thank you for this wonderful site which makes me feel sane again!! Its a gift.

The book, 'No Team Player' accurately describes the confusion and emotional anguish of a neurotypical spouse trying to make sense of her marriage to a man on the autism spectrum. All the communication difficulties, the lack of resolution to interactions between the two people and the mind numbing repetition of their life together is recounted in an honest, respectful way. The traumatic events occurring in the relationship are compounded by the disbelief of significant others in the author's life. She is further wounded by the actions of the professionals she consults, seeking answers to what is wrong and why can't this be fixed? The conclusions she arrives at are unexpected and confronting. This book also answers the question of, "What will my son look like when he grows up?" Neurotypical men with spouses on the autism spectrum are confronted with similar catastrophies in their relationship.

The last two "new" articles are awesome! Still struggle with others not recognizing ex husband having Aspergers syndrome or perhaps admitting to it in an ex-husband. The article helps with validation and with moving on. Thank you!

Thank you for the article "The Bottom Line" It hits the nail squarely on the head. It's exactly what I need....the truth! #13 says it all and I fell for 45 years of lies....trapped in a mass of confusion, chaos, abuse and lies and more lies.
There is no 13. If there was, 13 it would be: give it up before you get involved. Trouble is: there is not enough truthful information out there to warn you about the condition in advance.
I've read your book. Thank you for writing it for us. It kept me on the edge of my chair. I could feel all the painful emotions that I am so accustomed to feeling. It simply is not a pretty picture. Your words are the truth and validation for those of us that have been trapped.
There's no better way to say it, short, simple to the point.....They are "No Team Player"!

This site has saved my life! The Impacts and Deficits article and the Cassandra Metaphor has saved my sanity. Thank you will never be enough but it is a start.

Today I found this website. Thank you for being here. I live in Denmark married to an Asperger husbond for many years. There is no network for Asperger partners in my country. Asperger is focuses only when it comes to children and young people. It was a relief for me to find the concept Cassandra phenomenom. The Impacts and Deficits in NT ASD Relationships Table is an exellent instrument to keep focus on my situation - instead of getting sucked into my husbonds abnormal perception of reality. If Alice in Wonderland stayed there for 16 years - would she not have to surrender to the bizarre perception of everything, just to survive?

The author of No Team Player's life must be emotionally exhausting. The book was emotionally exhausting to read.

I was married to a man with undiagnosed Asperger's syndrome. Went through counseling where the counselor knew nothing about it. Went through divorce and child custody case... courts know nothing about it. I have survived and reading websites like this is helpful. I want to educate people about it but I look like a typical ex wife. This is different especially where children are involved. I am not sure what my future holds but I plan to do something so the courts understand it more. I did not endure what I did for no reason. Good luck and God bless all of you!

I am so pleased to find information that gives me hope. I believe my partner really wants our relationship to work. We are stumbling along and the emotional fights have abated. I do not want to become jaded. I want to hold onto what is possible, not why it will fail for us.

The Table of Impacts and Deficits is the best descriptive indicator summary I have seen. It describes what autism in adults with normal/superior intelligence looks like. The DSM indicators and the indicators given in other articles and books seem to be based more on what autism in young children looks like. There needs to be understanding and acknowledgement of how the symptoms change over the developmental life cycle.

How on earth did you manage to survive this relationship, Judith? I'm training as a counsellor and we've not even discussed neurological disorders as a possible source of conflict in relationships. I was blown away by the constant tension and aggression shown by your husband in every interaction with you and some others. The counselling world MUST be aware of this enormous problem with AS in relationships.

Thank You for this website and for the awareness and insight that you have for people living with partners with AS. It is a very miserable, lonely life with a partner who never asks how you are and what kind of a day you had, nothing, ever.There is NO emotional connection on any level.It is a sterile life without joy, conversation, connection, no sharing, no looking forward to the future , no looking forward to next week! Everything is in the now.My husband has never been diagnosed and hides his disability well, at least for the majority of people.His dirty clothes, muddy shoes often with large holes and general poor hygiene and 'scruffiness' belie the fact that he is a Senior Architect in a World Class Practice!Family have 'covered up' for him for years and still treat him as a little boy even though he is 56! Professionals are dazzled by his Career and believe every word that he says, I am the 'problem'.I recognise that he is role playing.I was diagnosed with Latent TB Infection last week.The years of stress have probably reduced my immunity.When I told him , not a single word of sympathy or concern.On Sunday night he left to go abroad where he is currently working.His parting words were "I'll be back at Christmas" nothing else, no "hope you are better", "let me know how you're getting on", absolutely nothing! So at least your website validates our experiences and there is some comfort and support in that.It's like living in a mad world.It gradually erodes the spirit and crushes you.Outwardly, everything appears "normal".people don't believe you or choose not to.

I was astonished to finally read an article that has described my experience of emotional trauma in my marriage. Although I managed to escape successfully from this relationship, I am vulnerable to emotionally based stress - particularly any coercion, at which time the devastation of being in an emotionally sterile relationship comes to the fore. Professionals have been reluctant to explain "what happened" - despite many counselling and even marriage counselling attempts. I am finally getting answers . Your description post traumatic relationship syndrome is spot on ...it also has to be remembered that we can never really escape people who are intertwined in our lives through children and grandchildren. Lack of awareness of these types of men means that we don't understand the significance of the "red flags" that we perceive. They defy logical explanation, and as our culture tends to respect evidence only, thereby giving the disordered personality the benefit of the doubt, whilst leaving us exposed to serious harm.

I found it hard to put "No Team Player" down. I really liked the way the marriage issues were chunked down.

I am finding "No Team Player" quite rivetting. It is remarkable.

I finally and for the first time in 17 years feel validated. thank you.As I have been told by family members my expectations were too high, I have been asked not to talk about my husbands shortcomings as it is uncomfortable for them, I have been labeled by them, not professionals to be borderline personality disorder, therefore responsible for the problems at home. I have been accused by my sister of being an out of control addict, leaving wake of hurt behind me, as she percived my reactive behaviors which were really fear, lom\nliness, unheard, unloved, depressed, isolated, emotional torture that no one else could see.

If a tree falls and hits me on the head in the wind, I will tell people. They believe me. I am not blaming all trees or the wind, simply telling my story. It should be the same with telling my story about life with a spouse with ASD. I should be believed about my experience

The Impacts and Deficits in NT ASD Relationships table summarizes so well what we experience in our NT ASD relationship. Thank you.

Thank you! For the first time I feel like someone believes me and the confusion that exists in my life.