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Screaming inside
4:49 PM
Sun 9th Aug, 2020

Hello everyone. Please accept my thoughts and gentle hugs of support on all of your situations. This site has been like an empathic hug of understanding and clarity these past few weeks. My story is that I met my (now ex) partner last year. He approached me on a dating site and all seemed promising. However, it took 4 months for us to have our first date due to his rearranging several times albeit for seemingly good reasons. But I had developed feelings for him as he was so honest about the hardships in his life and as an empath and a bit codependent, you want to help. At this point I was already becoming aware that he wasn't interested in getting to know me. I persevered regardless as he had something about him I really liked. Once we were actually in each other's company I noticed that he was shamelessly self-absorbed, completely strung out on a cocktail of prescribed antidepressants, anti-anxiety and antipsychotics meds (which he blamed for his lack of 'stamina' in bedroom activity, he had a massive over-reliance and knowledge on all things tech, and an unhealthy over-reliance on his family (facetimed them twice a day whilst I only got a couple of messages a week). He showed no reaction when I explained about the murder of my brother and passing of my parents and very much ignored me during lockdown. He couldn't understand my sadness following his suicide attempt 2 days before my birthday. He seemed to lack any resilience and would refuse to see me if something to do with his divorce upset him, claiming he needed to sleep it off several days after the event. He had been made redundant from his techy job and showed no signs of finding new work. His son (whom he doesn't live with as his wife left, taking the children) has an ASD diagnosis. I think he only ever saw me as a unpaid counsellor for his divorce and had no awareness of my needs within a relationship. The time we did spend together was, apart from the first date, at his home and on his terms. Although not my place to diagnose, having read this site, I strongly suspect he would be diagnosed with high functioning ASD. My dilemma is, should I contact him and suggest this? I said goodbye and wished him well 6 weeks ago and then blocked him on everything. I've no wish to rekindle the boyfriend/girlfriend thing but the empath in me wants to still be a friend to him, my thinking being that a diagnosis might give him greater access to benefits and contact with his children. I know I'm not his keeper but I still care and worry about him. Any thoughts? Thank you


Amanda
3:01 PM
Sun 9th Aug, 2020

I’m so confused my high functioning husband can be settled and calm, but then when I want more attention or have a deep discussion, panic ensues trips to the toilet, I just don’t know what to do for myself, I need to stop thinking about him and think about me ,.. I need to start enjoying my life and do things for me Not sure what I’ll do


Confessions of a NT
7:25 AM
Sun 9th Aug, 2020

I wrote in a couple weeks ago and have been reading each of your stories ever since. The tragedy of witnessing so many wonderful heart's break is almost unbearable. I once again broke down into tears today while wasking dishes, it just came out, no way to stop it. My sister and I have both been victim's of ASD marriages, thank God she was able to get an annulment after 3 months, but it took year's to erase the trauma and horribly abusive treatment she received at the hands of the low-functioning Aspie and his family. I have been married to one now for 17 year's. I know now that I've never had true emotional love reciprocated, the intimacy was scheduled ritualisticly and I always felt when it was over that yet another piece of my heart had been taken but not in a good way, and it was never filled with a piece of his as should be when true emotional and physical love is shared. Afterwards he would cuddle but it was very strange, I felt as if I was being cuddled with as a maternal figure which is highly disturbing. Now that I know that he is ASD I have stopped all physical interaction of that sort because I simply can't do it anymore, because I know now I will never be enough. I can't keep losing myself to him or there will be nothing left, self preservation must kick in at some point and it has with me. I've not told him yet that this is for the long run but even just with me saying I needed time to recover physically because I've had trouble with women thing's lately, which he knew was happening and that it was taking a serious toll on my well-being. He still immediately threatened with what if he is tempted with finding another woman because of my "neglect". They are completely self centered in their needs. Protecting yourself and your boundaries is imperative!! So I'm just going to write a bit about how I feel ASD people should be viewed, remember that as an empathetic and over loving NT, I feel terribly bad for them, I don't pity them because they don't pity themselves at all and pity will lead you to be victimized by them, believe me on this. But I do have compassion for them and wish this syndrome didn't affect so many these day's. So to me they're like the wild animal's of the human world, their minds work on a basic survivalist level, they are highly attached to their Mother's because she provides them with the ability to survive, they do recognize this and remain attached to their primary caretaker the rest of their life. As far as their spouse goes I can only describe it as a host situation, there are interesting relationships in the animal world where a parasitical animal will attach itself to the host animal, usually a very capable larger animal and proceed to maintain the host for sometimes year's so they can be protected from the world at large. They help keep the host going and maintain the host's environment so that they can be provided a safe haven with minimal effort. The high functioning Aspies are very good at taking care of their host, most will be so good at taking care of the them in thos particular way, that the emotional desert wasteland will be endured because there's nothing to complain about on the home maintenance level. But make no mistake, you are and always will be their host and thus their victim, if you begin to "malfunction" they will trade you in for a different model or berate you until you comply with being an obedient host again. The low functioning one's are not as good at the host relationship and will many times blow through one after another leaving in their wake the used up empathetic heart's of countless NT's without remorse looking for the perfect host that they'll never find because of their true inability to care beyond themselves. This is a very grim reality, please don't do it, run away!! Find yourself and set your boundaries, don't let your beautiful heart's be used up and ruined. Love yourselves, you deserve emotional reciprocation for the love you give. Much love to each of you.


Vanessa :)
6:13 AM
Sun 9th Aug, 2020

I dated an aspergers guy when i was a young adult who I loved for his good looks, his charm and funny personality and i thought i loved him but it was such a huge mistake! He would make fun of people crying on the news and calling them crybabies who need to get over it, laughed at me when my dogs death after my dad died both made me sad and said its not that sad other people have it worse, he would yell at me over trivial things like not knowing the names of Thomas the tank engine characters, (he was obsessed with child-like things like Thomas, Star Wars, Tranformers, Build a Bear, Lego to an extent he refused to talk about mature/important subjects like Politics or Bills, because those damn legos needed more attention)he would get grumpy like a child when i hanged out with my friends and was so jealous accusing me of being a cheater but he would say that other girls had nice tits and long legs when i was around to hear that s**t he would say "shut up" and if i make a small mistake scream "you cant do it right" and would laugh if i was upset. He would flap his arms in public and had a weird laugh that was really loud and he didnt care if it bothered anybody, he would just at them to shut up, I was so f*!***g embarassed i wanted to die!!!! I tried giving him several chances but i had enough when he made a huge deal about attending my friends mom's funeral because OH NO IT WAS DISRUPTING HIS OH SO PRECIOUS ROUTINE!!! THE HORROR OH THE HORROR!!!! I broke up with him after leaving the house and telling him to get lost! JUST WHAT WAS I THINKING DATING THIS BRATTY JERK MANCHILD!?!??!?! IT WAS LIKE HAVING A BOYFRIEND WITH THE MIND OF A BRATTY 6 YEAR OLD!!! BOYFRIEND? HE WAS A BOYFIEND MORE LIKE! I don't think all aspergers people are like this (i hope not) but this guy was so horrible I just needed to vent so bad!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Also as a side note is it normal for aspergers people to obsess over childish things or was this guy a possible sicko? i know they can obsess over numbers disney or science but thomas the tank engine at 20 years old when most boys outgrow it at 8? yeah......


Lincea
12:23 AM
Sun 9th Aug, 2020

My story is one of constant everyday battles that I don’t know will ever end. I married my Aspie 22 years ago and am currently going through a divorce. We had a short engagement. I was attracted to him at the onset because we shared obscure interests and he had a passion for the moral and resolute things that define both of us… I’m very artistic and creative by nature, so I thought I was marrying my soulmate… someone who had a passion and a pull to different and interesting things whom I could share my life with. We did not realize that he had Aspergers until 14 years into our marriage and looking back to the beginning, there were so many signs that I just was ignorant of. He is obsessed with Astronomy, MLB, Politics, and his work (at which he is his own boss). But the biggest problem with the AS, was our inability to communicate. This was over the smallest most insignificant things. Most of the time normal conversation could not happen. This is so difficult in a marriage when you can’t just talk simply and share life with your partner. Over the years, I would adapt and accommodate. We became somewhat of “roommates” … He would do his thing, I would do mine. I was the main bread winner for much of our marriage, and thus would take care of most all of his needs… Emotional angry outbursts started pretty early on. This is like nothing I’ve ever seen before. When trying to describe it to people, it is like having angry words and a physical persona that come at you in force. You actually feel like your guts have been spilled. On the flip side for me, any amount of emotion… even just a slight shift in inflection in my voice was met with the fact that I’m yelling at him or just plain “flipping out” and over-reacting. So, I learned very early on to have my voice remain fairly monotone. (which was then met with the fact that I continually mumble and he can’t hear me clearly) … there is always a fine line to keep the peace. There was always a definite Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde happening during most of our interactions. But for the most part I was able to compartmentalize and keep things going alright. The point when everything turned is when we had children. We went through fertility treatments and came away with Triplets. This is where the balance of everything ceased… because I now had to protect them, it was no longer just me. The emotional anger started with them when they were toddlers. I would need to be a barrier for them emotionally (fighting battles with words) and sometimes, but not often, physically (where I would need to step in-between him and the kids). I remember the particular instance when I realized I needed to stop being passive. Our daughter at the time was 1 1/2 years old. I knew that she did not deserve to have someone charging and screaming at her, crushing her spirit and all because she was wearing mom’s high heels for fun and accidentally stepped on her brother’s toe. That is the point where I had to balance being the wife I wanted to be with being a mom that would need to protect her kids. My husband also has Sensory Processing Disorder. This just aggravates every situation. The slightest sound sends him jumping sky high. And the emotional outbursts would often be fueled by any grating sound. Having toddlers and now teenagers does not offer much in the way of keeping quiet when they are out to express how they feel. This coupled with the fact that there is a constant need to control each situation was putting the children in a very difficult spot. Walking on eggshells and fear was a normal thing for us from the start… but kids need to move and breathe as they grow. The dynamics all of this creates was sometimes unbearable. If being in an Asperger marriage and having triplets was not enough, one of our sons was diagnosed with autism at age 3. This is how we discovered my husband had Asperger Syndrome (within the counseling sessions to help my son). Again, we had been married 14 years, before we had realized he had AS. The dynamics between my son and my husband could only be compared to TNT. It was like a constant battle. With my son, to communicate there would need to be a puzzle to complete, of what he was trying to say and there is not always a lot to go on. It requires patience and a recognizing of cues that was very difficult for my husband. On top of that, my son realized he could get dramatic reactions from his dad and attention, albeit negative. Their relationship thrived on reaction. Things would get volatile quite often. There is another component that always puzzled me… when reading up on Asperger traits, there is not a lot on how the sexual intimacy plays out. It says they have trouble with Intimacy in general. Well, this is my experience. Intimacy (non-sexual) is virtually non-existent. But the Sexual Intimacy was required by him, even if there was no connection or bond between him and I. It is very difficult to be attacked emotionally, criticized for little things continually, disrespected and mocked all too often, blamed for nearly anything that would arise (even if blame didn’t need to be assigned) and then for me to be expected to turn around in short order and actually want to have “intimate” time with him. I soon began to realize the difference between intimacy in the way of emotional connection and intimacy in a way of only physical. Everything was based on his obsession with Pornography. There was no real emotional connection. Everything is what he has come to understand as being normal. When you are looking at all these components, there really is not true “oneness” when you are married to someone with Asperger Syndrome. You are never Partners. I was always used as a means to an end, however I could accommodate him. If he had to do certain things for me to get what he ultimately wanted, then that was the only time I saw consideration or care. The relationship is almost entirely one-sided. Grace given was never received. Now we are here… going through a divorce. Because I could not accommodate him. You see, last year, I had a lot of extra things that were put on my plate… ultimately, I found that I needed to place boundaries with him and felt it was time to hold him accountable for how I was being treated. He left me. He clarified a couple of months ago that he "abandoned me... and not the kids"... He sees me now as a thorn in his side (even now thinking from the beginning of our relationship) and the enemy. He ultimately decided I wasn’t worth it. My daughter will not speak to him. My Son with Autism is obsessed with taking time with him now that he isn't living under our roof. And my other son just wants everything to be on his own terms when it comes to his dad. I have worked so hard to help the kids have a healthy life despite the challenges our family has faced. I fear the challenges will not end in regard to this, they will just be different. Life is full of uncertainties and mountains to face, but I know it also has wonderful things to present. Keeping a positive outlook is a daily priority and a daily mountain I face. My next chapter for me is combating Cassandra Syndrome and not being a victim. I still feel a need to help him and that normally gets met with one of two things: first, give an inch and he will try to push the envelope and/or second, I'll be falsely accused of manipulation. Character assassination is a favorite for him. I am a very compassionate person and love to help people and have always tried to help him. At this point, I’m trying to move on completely. I already miss his family, who are really wonderful people, but I know that I need to completely let go. For the sake of myself and the kids I need to. I can’t take it on anymore. At this point, I do not ever plan to remarry. This is actually my second marriage. The first, I was married to a classic Narcissist and was able to recognize to get out of the relationship within 4 years of being emotionally and physically abused. I never wanted divorce, and really meant my vows in both cases. I now see men as advantage takers. I know there are I am sure good men out there... but I don't trust my judgement as both times I was misled... In any case, I won’t allow myself to be abused any more. I’m much better on my own and my faith has carried me through the past, present, and now the future. Thank you for letting me share my story.


Fairlie
12:08 PM
Sat 8th Aug, 2020

My comments here are for Karen who posted on Aug. 5, 2020 and anyone who might find this useful. Thank You for your very kind comments in regard to my earlier post. I was very happy to hear that you will now be safe and more at ease as the driver in your friend's car! I've had several very scary situations in vehicles with people who were behaving badly! I'll briefly share what lead up to deciding to continue living together and doing as much as I could to improve our relationship. With his frequent angry outbursts, I had found that the best way to cope was to 'distance' myself - avoid him as much as possible which is challenging in an apartment. During this time, approx. 12 years ago, I discovered and read part of a book called 'You Don't Have to Take it Anymore'. It was for women in abusive relationships - no mention at all about Aspergers. The author advised women to work at better understanding their partners, to have empathy for their struggles and be able to forgive them for their actions. It seemed like a VERY tall order!! I was willing to give this a try but I first needed my husband to sincerely apologize for his abusive behavior. I told him that I'd been reading about ways we could improve our relationship. It took awhile but he did give me a very sincere apology that I accepted. Things started to improve for us but there were still 'challenges' at times. I was on a wait list for about 6 years to have my own place - not to end our relationship but to have more 'space amd peace'. I changed my mind and decided that using the money to have a 2-3 month winter vacation in a warm climate would be a better option. This has given me something special to look forward to and helped keep me in good physical and mental health. He has spent short periods with me but I'm mostly on my own - which I need and enjoy. Learning (about 7-8 years ago) that he has Aspergers has been a 'game-changer' and I've done a lot of research to better understand this condition and help him and myself. We communicate more now - about aspergers and quite a variety of other subjects. We also share more mutual interests and outdoor activites - like biking. I know that we've both really benefited from having a very healthy gluten free-low carb) diet and taking supplements (including ones that help his brain chemistry). We're both very healthy at 74 and 78. I certainly understand why most people want to avoid or leave such relationships. I wrote another post that describes more about our relationship. It starts with reasons I am grateful that things are going well for us. I also wrote about an episode when my husband was paranoid and challenging - I handled things well. You might find some of the comments I made there useful. I know staying or leaving is a difficult decision to make. I suggest learning more about Aspergers (reading, watching videos). Through conversations and doing things together, learn more about your boyfriend to help determine if yours could be a 'viable' relationship. I believe that you'll be able to make the right decision when you've done more 'delving' and 'soul-searching'. Very Best Wishes! With Love, Fairlie


Sarah
10:19 AM
Sat 8th Aug, 2020

I was in a 14 year relationship with an Aspie until I left. I had AfDD and it took me some time to recover and a lot of therapy. That was 3 and a half years ago. I recently went on a date with a lovely guy who actually told me he was ASD on the first date. We had another two dates, but after the last one a problem cropped up because I have my kids for two weeks because of a blip in my normal week on/ week off childcare swap, and then his family is staying with him for a week. My 'slot' to see him was Sunday afternoons but with this problem I suggested that he could just come over after work as he only works 15 minutes away from my house. But apparently he can't because of his evening routine which is very precise. So if I can't make the Sunday slot we can't see each other for 3 weeks, although he works so nearby. I thought 'Oh God WHAT was I thinking!!!!! I can't do Aspie again.' So I've called it off. A bit sad because I liked him so rereading the testimonials to remind me why I need to bale now.


PhD
1:32 AM
Sat 8th Aug, 2020

To Flávia. It's normal and not at all unusual to be stuck in this cycle of hell you found yourself in. There is only one way out - you have to completely stop communicating with the person who trapped you in this loop. You have to go "no contact". There is NO other way out. NONE. It is not easy to do, you will experience withdrawal similar (if not worse) to the withdrawal people go through when they stop using hard drugs. The reason for this similarity - chemical imbalance in the brain, in your case - caused by trauma. From my person experience being trapped in the same exact hell, and based on evidence described in literature - antianxiety meds help A LOT. Perhaps also an antidepressant. But again, NO CONTACT is an absolute MUST. You would have to commit to it like if your very life depended on it. Delete his contact info, block him everywhere. Withdrawal won't last forever. You will feel better and will be able to regain control of your life, I guarantee you that. I'm the living proof of that.


Anna-Jane
10:12 PM
Fri 7th Aug, 2020

This is the site I have been looking for for such a long time! Maybe besides Cassandra Syndrome, there should be a Cathy Syndrome, for those of us who grew up with a sibling who could appear a cold, brutal narcissist but was also great fun because of the quirky sense of humour and lack of fear. I spent my teens and twenties feeling increasingly like I had to choose between family and friends because of the way he sneered at all my choices and yet we're still really close. My husband takes a very dim view of him, especially the way he treats his wife and son and I still feel torn and actually very angry because I feel sometimes I literally speak (or even live?) 2 utterly different ways of communicating and seeing the world. On the plus side, I did get an A in English Lit because I thought it was an everyday tale of happy families :p


Twinsugar
7:22 PM
Fri 7th Aug, 2020

This is a message to a person named Becca who wrote a testimonial back in June. I read the testimonials for strength and there are common themes throughout. But Becca...your story is so similar to mine. Please please run. Run. I was in the same boat. They AS partner almost made me feel more wanted when he’d say “no don’t leave” but then the EXACT same pattern of stonewalling would emerge. It felt like ground hogs day. I’m a very kind gentle person but the experience brought out resentment (despite my understand he is aspie). No amount of logic can talk you out of an emotional connection and reciprocation. I still love my aspie ex but things devolved and gas lighting started. I believe people can has light without them even realizing they are doing it. And you can’t escape it. My aspie has severe abandonment issues, I said I’d never leave...them the stonewalling. Barely ever contacting me. We’d see eachother at work twice a week and the convos were about him and I felt like his good friend. In the beginning things were different but that’s because aspies also get the hormonal high that comes woth infatuation but they can’t keep it up afterwards. Barely spent time, broken promises because his obsession is work (workaholic doesn’t begin to describe this man- obsession). When I spent two years being stonewalled I left. Every week he’s say “gimme a week to get work done”...every week for two years “no don’t leave give me a week”. I left but went back. In November he had a melt down over work stress and broke up w me...I said no I’m staying, but he still ended things during the melt down. In the days that followed he barely addressed the break up so three days later he was complaining about life and I told him it makes me very sad but I agree woth his decision to end things” he took that as me leaving him. He never said “no I didn’t mean what I said etc” no response. Fast forward we magnetized to each other but in a grey zone. Not “together” and not apart. Last week he told me it was over for good this time and spent two hours telling me “you left me in December” over and over. I was stunned and confused. It’s like I was gaslit by someone that believed a delusion or his version of reality. But I’m leaving me for good, although I am sad...I can’t tell you the relief that washes over me more and more each day. Please run. The main themes here with all testimonials: neglect, rejection, no reciprocity, feeling unloved, loss of self esteem, emotionally drained. You deserve better and have to talk to yourself like you’re your five year old self. You’d want better for that little girl. Make decisions in her best interest. That’s how I view self love. I truly was a vivacious successful professional...my profession saves me because there’s no greater joy than when I’m caring for others, but this experience almost robbed me of that last book of joy. Please run Love Twinsugar


Amanda
1:37 PM
Fri 7th Aug, 2020

My aspire husband, says forget the things he s done :::: Is that right :: He’s says he’s trying really hard: I just don’t know what to do any more: I know he’s not as bad as other aspires but : He seems to forget every day, things I’ve said day before and that I m struggling but he just says he’s trying :: I’ve left so many times and come back Can cope but that’s all spark gone . Should I just cope Feel like it’s all my fault So much I want in life He said yesterday he just needs to be in calm life And that he just plods along in life Where I strive for our future Help


Karen
12:50 PM
Fri 7th Aug, 2020

To 'What was I thinking': I smiled at your comment that he never remembers what you said. Yep - been there, got that T-shirt. Drives me absolutely nuts. I try to keep my cool but don't always succeed. I think it's all part of taking no interest in you, what you do, what you think - that whole narcissistic issue. To make matters worse my partner has developed a new habit of 'selective remembering' and will repeat later some of the things I have said as though they were his idea (I should say I have come across this with NTs also). So apparently he DOES remember some things when it suits him. (I tell him he is lucky to have someone whose ideas are worth repeating). Believe in yourself and stay strong.


Flávia
5:10 AM
Fri 7th Aug, 2020

I wrote on this site a few weeks ago. The situation only gets worse and I always come back here to read all the new testimonials and follow your incredible and similar stories. I send you my sincere hugs and so much empathy! <3 But I feel that my story doesn’t get through and I'd like your help very much.. I don’t know what I’m experiencing, but after abandoning it in very delicate circumstances (in the pandemic and in another country), I live a loop intense mental. I relive the moments and remember details of the story, I read all the contents of asperger's every day, I'm part of support groups for NT partners, I also do therapy and talk with many friends. I experience despair, anxiety and even stagnation in my bed.. But I cannot abandon myself, i can't abandon my ex boyfriend... he speaks to me in a very cold, rude, disinterested way. I'm always the one who has the initiative to continue communicating, while for him he's extremely indifferent. I found out that he's on a app because a woman wrote to me and even then, he says it's for making friends (after 3 months). My psychologist has already explained that he doesn't do this with an interest in connecting emotionally with someone, but simply in fulfilling an objective with a checklist. I shouldn't take offense or worry about it offensively. It does this automatically and robotically. I know he has something that will never be healed and I should learn that once and for all. But why don't I just take in that information? I already read everything, I know everything and I kept everything that was possible! What am I looking for with this hellish cycle? :( I'm collapsing...


Karen
2:08 AM
Fri 7th Aug, 2020

I too have discovered that I am dating an Aspie. At first, I thought the man wasn't interested in me at all as I have had to do all the "work". I was the one to initiate contact, texts (he doesn't like talking on the phone), make plans and/or dates. When it is just the two of us, I usually get silence--no conversation whatsoever. Maybe one word answers. I really thought "this guy really HATES me". We always have to have another couple with us just to initiate conversations and/or just to have a good time. I didn't understand his behavior until a friend told me "he sounds like he has Asperger's". Boy, what an eye-opener. He is TEXTBOOK! I understand a lot of his behavior now but in the meantime, I am losing myself--who I used to be---by being miserable most of the time. From his silent treatment, endless arguments about nothing, yelling, etc. In the meantime,I have been diagnosed with a neurological disorder which affects my gait. I am really self-conscious about "limping around" so I really don't want to go back into the dating world again. I've had my share of relationships (never married) and dread the thought of doing it again. However, I just want to be HAPPY. Is there any hope? He is 65 and I am 59.


Gabrielle
3:24 PM
Thu 6th Aug, 2020

My husband and I are new to learning and accepting he"s on the spectrum. I knew something was different initially, told him he was "high maintenance", didnt know why.. blow up ensued but we ended up marrying. So I'm trying to find air..at times I feel i'm suffocating having to forever respond to the never ending half assed attempts at humor, the constant movements/twitches, grunting...all of which he seemed to control while dating. Now I'm stuck. At times my tolerance level drops drastically, frustration brims over, contempt for the man seeps out and I then have to backtrack with guilt and sorrow. He didnt ask for it. But then, neither did I. It has been about him..with this site I'm so grateful to see I'm not alone struggling and also seeking a modus vivendi.


Alan
12:43 PM
Thu 6th Aug, 2020

It is so hard living with an Autistic spouse. Some days, like today, I just want to call it quits. With the stress of the Pandemic added to the usual ASD behavior I am reaching breaking point. Today, a regular work day for me (from home) she decides she need to buy a projector to use for her dance class and for me to watch TV while she sews (her current special interest). She has found a $700 projector that is "perfect". In the past I might have objected but I just agree. Of course she needs my help to call the apple store (she hates talking to strangers) to figure out the best way to get it without exposing us to COVID. Ok so I figure that out and we need to drive to a location 30 miles away for curbside pick up. Of course we are late leaving as she is not ready on time. And she asks me to drive (she has stomach ache) even though she doesn't like me to drive her car cause that makes her feel it is not her car. I ask her if she will drive, she says no, she has stomach ache. OK I drive, get us there on time. It has been a good day so far, she seems happy. On the way home there is a traffic tie up, she is talking my ear off about something or other as her music is playing and we are approaching the freeway exit. I am not familiar with this route but the car has Nav, and keeps asking me to exit, but I can't get over to the right lane due to traffic. The Nav keeps changing the route, I decide to take the next exit cause I recall that the freeway split is not where we want to go. As II get to the exit she tells me no, go on highway such and such. I', confused, not time to make a decision so I exit anyway. She gets mad that I didn't follow her instructions. Proceeds to tell me off for not doing what she asked, not trusting she was right and points out that the Nav said to got hat way too. I go to make a U turn to return to the route. She says " what are you doing now?" in her harsh tones (no masking). I say going back where you wanted me too. She says "Why, you wanted to go this way so go this way". I go back to her route, it does take us home. We get home, she seems OK after not talking for 20 mins. She goes back to sewing. I get dinner ready, it's ready in plenty of time for her event (Movie with friends) at 8 am. I go get her. We are eating, she asks if I'm going to get the movie ready, I do. Then she wants the TV on ready to go 15 mins ahead of time. OK fine. Then starts up with a fresh attack in her umasked angry voice regarding the car screaming at me "I'm never going to ket you drive my car again" and "you never listen to what I say, you always dismiss me". She starts her movie, I put the food away, load and run the dishwasher, clean the Kitchen, take out the garbage. Half way through the movie she comes up stairs and asks if I will come and watch with her, I say no. I have no desire to be anywhere near her and risk another outburst. She is having a meltdown I realize. When I say no she asks "why, because you don't want to spend time with me?" I say yes, she says loudly/angry tone "your mad because you chose to ignore me in there car" and storms off. Basically she sees it as all my fault. In fact she complains all the time about the quality of our relationship. Recently it has been about how my work is more important to me than her. But I only work 40 -45 h a week, have always done so. She doesn't have a job, blames me for her not getting a law degree, says she could have done that but sacrificed that to be my wife and give me a son. At home she can only manage to do the laundry (she won't let me do it when it even when there are no clean clothes) and inconsistently make meals. I do all the other chores and work full time. She cannot go to bed at a reasonable time, usually staying up past 2 or 3 am, then getting up after 10 am, then complains I'm always tired and we don't spend time together and I don't plan dates. When I do suggest dates she usually declines for some reason (not feeling well etc), but when she plans something it happens because I always go along with it. She complains we don't go on enough vacations because I'm stingy, but she cannot make the effort to plan one herself, instead she tells me what she wants and I plan it. We've been to Australia, Germany, England 4 x, Hawaii 7 x, and numerous mainland locations, all planned by me. I feel unappreciated and un-loved. But I am responsible for her survival and our son's survival so I go on. We could have such a wonderful beautiful life but she makes it so miserable much of the time. The ups and downs are so hard to take; one day she tells me she loves me, that I am wonderful and all that, the next she makes me feel like the worst partner in the world. I know I am not the most wonderful man in the world but I ma no where near the worst. We have been married for 25 years and when we met she was so amazingly wonderful; beautiful and a little different but we seemed own the same page about so many things. The sex was great (non existent now) and I felt I had met my soul mate. Now that all seems so distant, like it never happened. On days like these I dread the rest of the evening, the end of the movie, I want to go hide somewhere but that will only end badly with her accusing me of stone walling, when I am only trying to protect myself from more pain. Her reaction to a my inability to follow her last second instructions seems massively overblown, I know it is, but I am living in her crazy world with no one to turn to for a realistic viewpoint. Anyway I've said enough, now I need to figure out what to do now the movie is ending. Scared


What was I thinking part 2
11:36 AM
Thu 6th Aug, 2020

I just want to say that I come here often to read the comments and remind myself to not get involved. If you scroll down,i wrote about the aspire I am seeing. When I reread what I wrote, I felt like I didn’t capture all the top trending Asperger qualities he has- i forgot to mention how he makes me feel invisible and rejected- how he never remembers anything I tell him. Lately he will say I’m a pain in his ass and even though he has sarcastic humor,something makes me think he really means it. I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread.im one stupid uneducated comment from being cut loose. Maybe that should happen. . Let him cut me off. He has an obsession with politics and all he talks about is how terrible the left are and how dumb women are and we ruin everything It’s becoming infuriating now.! I would say he is overall a negative person because alll conversations eventually lead to those two things that anger him the most;the progressive left ruining our country and women. Imagine spending so much time talking about the things that anger you!?! just recently,we went away for a quick 2 night trip (we have a long distance relationship)well in this trip I learned that he doesn’t like to be held when going to sleep, when we were in the water, I was trying to body hug him and he kept pushing me off of him. He would even at times walk ahead of me. When he sensed I was unhappy I finally told him that I feel rejected by him(I didn’t want to tell him bc I knew it would get me nowhere ;you can’t win any argument against him). Anyhow I caved and told him. “hello!?! i haven’t seen you since February,I would expect us to be all over each other”. Well his answer was that I was looking for rejection and of course I was being emotional and had no logic and that I was a pain in his ass. -see? I knew it would get me nowhere. I really want to make it work. I keep thinking that I can focus on what is right and appreciate other ways he can love me but I don’t know. I feel like everything I do ( like give up on expecting him to change and meet him at his level)would be unappreciated and I would still get shitted on. I feel like he would be more annoyed with me than in love with me.i think that is the part I can’t live with. I need to read all these testimonials and keep reminding myself that I would be swallowed in the pits of despair and delusional for thinking this could work. If it’s not great after two years of dating and us living far from each other,I can only imagine what it would be like every day living under the same roof. He is eventually moving closer here (not just for me but his family is here). I gotta give up the fantasy. It won’t work, am I right?


Nicki
11:19 AM
Thu 6th Aug, 2020

Hi guys! I really am at a shock, I had broken up with my aspie a little over a month ago. He doesn't recognize this, he literally go to sleep and like erases whatever happen the night before, as if It never happened! He text me the next day telling me He loved me. It is jarring how this works with him. My aspie (ex?) Is very happy go lucky but at the same time can get very agitated quickly. Whenever we communicate he can for a while but then suddenly is drained and will get so blunt in his responses. "I'm watching my show, don't want to talk" type situation. Usually emotional talking or anything related to emotions will easily wipe him out and he does not want to talk about it. I have got to the point that I have made a life outside of our relationship that keeps me sane. I have learned to make myself happy. He tends to go on long binges of silence or no communication and I have learned to just go on with your life, go out with friends, take care of your children(if you have them) go to that job interview, etc etc. I have learned that if you don't you will be miserable trying to figure out people like this. Here the last few days he has been getting upset because I will not drop what I am doing because he is in the mood to talk. Will text me repeatedly trying to get me to talk or facetime. If I tell him I'm busy, or it will have to wait he gets mad. It is always on their terms, never yours. They want to talk when they are ready and if they are not you do not get their time. I just want to say within the few years I have got to know this man I have learned that they want to have a relationship but do not know how to keep up with the needs of NTs. I love him with all my heart but I have learned that if I am going to have a fulfilling life I am going to have to do that for myself. If not I will be in this spiral of emotional chaos. I hope that each of you get happiness and you all deserve it!


Bailey
9:08 AM
Thu 6th Aug, 2020

The Cassandra Phenomenon is real. My Aspie’s family protects him and probably blame me for the failure of the marriage. I had to leave him to work in my home country because I never got status in his. I wonder if it was part of his control tactic to keep me. I felt entrapped in a marriage where I am married to someone who whispers in public, but screams at me, and hurts me with no remorse in private. Everything has been all about him since the beginning. He claims I control him, yet he has controlled me with his anger, rage and meltdowns. These people are beyond psychotic and are untreatable. If you are a masochist, an Aspergers marriage is for you! I finally trusted a man with my heart, soul, and body, given up everything. It all got worse after my sacrifices he shattered me and groomed me for his abuse. Finally getting out. I’m not even sad. One day I may actually feel like myself again. Now is finally my time to heal. I deserve better. So do you.


Roisin
3:23 AM
Thu 6th Aug, 2020

Honestly, I do believe that my aspie man and I tried hard to make the relationship work. He went to his physician, after two years of break-ups, and me telling and showing him that I couldn’t deal with the never-ending rollercoaster, and was put on an anti-anxiety med which at first helped exponentially but required that dosage be monitored, which he failed to do. We moved in together, still with many ups and downs- for example, he was a fierce atheist as I was a born and raised (but largely spiritual) Catholic. One Easter Sunday, I left to work out and returned home where he informed me that he had been to church, at the request of a gym colleague—whaat?? He didn’t want the gym colleague to think poorly of him, so he donned his mask and went to church with him and his wife. I would have enjoyed accompanying him, absolutely, but he hid this outing from me until I returned home!! Physical touch and sex while in a monogamous relationship are extremely important to me, but eventually I was permitted to hold just his thumb and could receive one very dry, non-passionate kiss daily— to me, insane. To me, basic human needs, but I loved him and tried very hard to accept these terms. Honestly, the eventual physical abuse during his meltdowns, out of the blue and for no apparent reason, combined with all of the gaslighting, and changes to terms and conditions for our relationship,drove me to muster up the strength to leave after six years. No compromises would ever have been sufficient, and all of my love could not make this relationship work. We all are aware of our own needs and, to all of you questioning out there, please trust yourselves and your instincts. Be good to yourselves, and honor your needs.


PhD
11:02 PM
Wed 5th Aug, 2020

This is in response to Tom. In regards to the question on how to make living with AS person less grim.. It is my understanding that you are not planning to leave. You have stated that sometimes you think "this is a totally workable relationship", but then something happens and you feel "like a sparkling summer day has been plunged into a miserable wet overcast November afternoon". That is exactly what makes you miserable. Wrong expectations. Adjust your expectations and your heart won't break every time "wet overcast November" descends upon you. Your reality is not the "sparkling summer", that is an illusion and you should not expect it. Your message is beyond heartbreaking, I read it and immediately thought "Stockholm syndrome". I think you might be trauma bonded to your partner.


Amanda
4:20 PM
Wed 5th Aug, 2020

My husband thinks we’re fine too ,, But I just feel like I’m missing something in my life ...do we all feel like that ? Wish I know what too do stay on the same path or meander off .... My husband did say once if we ever split he would not ever want to see me again ... I think that’s childish blackmail . 5 years stress and sadness,friends and family don’t know why I’m still with him


Karen
3:34 PM
Wed 5th Aug, 2020

To the lovely people who offered such supportive advice and comments, I have read and re-read your thoughts, and really appreciate the time you took to read and respond, thank you so so much. I wish I could meet you all for coffee and a big hug. Perhaps in better times ... Fairlie - you seem such a strong, resilient person and your words are wise and so understanding for your partner; I would love to know (but do not expect a response in such a public forum) what it was that finally made you decide to persist with your relationship (I'm assuming there were times when you thought 'enough is enough'), what issues did you weigh in the balance where eventually the scales fell in favour of 'stay' not 'leave', or was there a particular 'ahaa' moment. (Btw, on your concerns over his driving, I told him I will not be his passenger again. If I am in the car, I am the driver. Some sulking ensued but I can handle that). Mary, Jane, Lolita and PhD - your insights are invaluable and come from a knowledgeable place where you have given the love and weathered the storms. I guess I would not have written my testimonial if I didn't already know the answer deep down of what I should do, that I am already struggling with this man so 10 years down the track is looking bleak to say the least. The comment that stood out was 'why settle'? I guess I keep hoping that I am strong enough, can forgive and overlook, and that somehow I can create a loving relationship. A bit arrogant on my part perhaps!! So is there a kind way to bring things to a close? He is a good man, not vindictive or angry, so I am not looking to blame or be harsh. I have started a conversation with him (by phone at the moment; he lives in a different town and recent Covid restrictions prevent travel over any distance) to open the door to talking about our relationship having changed and not for the better. He has interpreted this as my feeling 'insecure' (gotta love the implication that he feels HE has to reassure ME - oh dear!), but at least the subject is on the table. I am still torn, and I suspect an in-person conversation will be better once Covid allows, but from your collective experiences, how does an AS person cope with rejection? Particularly when he is supremely confident that we are fine, and he is impervious to any thought to the contrary. That Karen could possibly call the whole thing off is simply not on his radar (honestly, the lack of humility is so extraordinary, it's almost funny!).


Amanda
12:53 PM
Wed 5th Aug, 2020

Morning everyone, Just a response to Toms posting, my husbands undiagnosed (well a councillor told him probs has ASD) I can cope with it whilst everything is going his way,if I’m late from work or I don’t have time to text him in the day, will get increasingly anxious:But when I reveal how sad I am he makes my life turns into a rollercoaster with many ups and downs. He says he loves me, and says he looks after me, he says I cook dinner and do the shopping, and his obsession with laundry drives me nuts; I once said to him he has more of a life with the washing machine than me. I can just about cope.... but in our first year of marriage and has settled in to himself if you know what I Mean. I crave real affection love and support .... the last real meltdown were he went missing was so traumatic for me ... it’s scarred my heart, I don think I’ll ever forget it... I want to believe he lol change but reading all your posts I realise he can’t. Do I carry on with him, and accept all my dreams hopes and true happiness will never be fulfilled or split up with him.? He not a bad man.. as he often tells me I feel so guilty and mad all the time I’m so happy at work .... but I want to enjoy and feel fulfilled. My mental health is deteriorating every day, my digestive system is chronically stresses, and I feel so bad about my self .. I read about Cassandra syndrome has any one else had problem s with this.. I hope this makes sense, I have not put my glasses on this morning x


Sharlene F
5:25 AM
Wed 5th Aug, 2020

My husband who is 72yo just got diagnosed as being on the spectrum! We have been together for the past 10yrs and it has been difficult from the beginning. In the past 5yrs he has been diagnosed with Narcissism, OCD, generalized anxiety, executive function disorder. ASD finally explains so much more but it is so hard. He is open to therapy but being with him is a challenge and there have been numerous times I have walked out and said I have had enough. Then my therapist at present talks me off the ledge. He is so defensive, never wrong, inflexible, doesn't recognize when he is anxious, has no self awareness. I can go on and on. The fact that he is 72 and has many ingrained dysfunctional coping skills does not help. He keeps doing the same stupid things over and over that he promises he won't do. He was very anxious yesterday after meeting with the doc that diagnosed him and was in total denial. So his social anxiety was really high and he defaulted to his mode where he tries to make everyone laugh (a group of men) and does it by making me the butt of his joke. I hate that so much. Any one els have this issue?


Diamond
3:26 AM
Wed 5th Aug, 2020

So grateful to have found this site. Dated a AS guy for a few months at the start of the year, and every single experience has been textbook. Thought I was going mad. He was diagnosed as Dyslexic when he was 6 (he’s now 40), but he has all the signs of Aspergers and I feel has just been misdiagnosed. I believe this is quite common for people of his age as AS wasn’t really a thing till a few years later. Feel so glad to have found all the information on this site as I felt like I was going mad trying to understand all the odd behaviour. Especially when he is so good at masking in front of others, but I would see all the behind-the-scenes stuff that none else would ever really believe was happening. So heartbreaking as my ex clearly tried so hard in some ways. But he couldn’t understand why it’s not ok to drool over other women all the time, why it’s not ok to walk around with a hard-on in public, why it’s sometimes nice to ask things about your partner. I can honestly say after almost three months of dating - he still doesn’t know the first thing about me. He would never ask about my day ever. He could never bring himself to say “I love you”, the closest he got was “I more than like you”. He is incredibly smart and seemingly accomplished in many ways, but also has a heavy dependency on people doing things for him. He takes his mum and dad with him most places, I realise now for the emotional security blanket. I’ve had two long-term relationships with NTs (5.5yrs and 7yrs) and understand the hard work you need to put in. His relationships have never lasted more than a few months because he usually withdraws at the first sign of difficulty. He would talk obsessively about all of his exes from the day we met as he still doesn’t understand a lot of the breakups. My heart breaks because I tried to show him love and got met with a response of “I feel overwhelmed - you’re trying to make me a better person”. My heart also breaks because it will take a very specific type of personality to understand him, be willing to accept the behaviours as norm for the rest of their lives together, and I just don’t know until he gets his diagnose and learns more about himself how possible that will be. I really hope he finds his someone special.


Bridgette
2:09 AM
Wed 5th Aug, 2020

Hi, Joe and to all who can relate. Contrarian. That is a spot on description of the undiagnosed aspie I live with. I do not have an explanation for it but it sure brings stress to conversationa when there shouldn't be any. I notice too that any positive subject is turned to negative when a compliment should be given. If something good was said about my children, his step, he quickly adds but this...and I have to say that what was just said was a good thing, which he will acknowledge but add negative. We do have one daughter together and she was expressing her feelings and he negated what she said by saying you have no reason to feel this way. In that way he was dismissing her negative feelings which obviously show no empathy. So whether it's a statement of fact or feelings it's contrary to what the person has said. So I guess I'll agree with you, Joe, probably both mind blindness and empathy deficit but sometimes it sure does sound like jealousy. How to deal is my question, daily.


Abigail
11:53 PM
Tue 4th Aug, 2020

I’m soon to be divorced from my basket case aspergers husband. He has abused me physically, is addicted to marijuana, does not work, and even has inappropriate sexual interests. I have done my best and given everything to this marriage. I can’t do it anymore. Between the video game obsessions, the bantering about the news all the time, the inability to communicate. He pretended to be someone else. Once we got married he became comfortable, meaning that I got to see who he really is. These people are incapable of any normal emotion. It is like living in a daily hell with someone that has no understanding of boundaries, etiquette, and a very disturbing warped reality. They should stick to pornography, video games, their imaginary world. They are happier living an antisocial life alone anyways. I used to be a happy sociable woman. I have literally lost everything that I value by marrying the wrong type of person. I am now terrified of men because I have already been in abusive toxic relationships before. I don’t think I even can date again I am so traumatized. It truly is hell. I warn anyone to stay away from these types of men, they are cruel and will destroy you.


Iris
10:42 PM
Tue 4th Aug, 2020

A reply to Joe (Tue 4th Aug, 2020): Yes, I have encountered one of those "contrarian"-Aspies. He was a former co-worker, let's call him "Bert". Bert would argue with you about anything, even, let's say, you'd tell him: "The sky is blue." He would argue that it is just a shade of blue, with a bit of gray in it, maybe some yellow... but the initial conclusion, that the sky is blue, is completely wrong and he knows better. This example is net even that exaggerated... Bert had to point out and correct even the smallest things, words, comments etc. It was very exhausting to be around him. Bert was a nightmare in any team. It was like an obsession. And here is what I came up with: Maybe this "know-it-all", compulsive contradicting is, indeed, part of an ASD-person's OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). Many Aspies are diagnosed with OCD, it is a very common comorbidity of ASD. Their obsession really is to contradict, correct, rectify, invalidate etc. They don't "get it" because it's part of their disorder. I don't try to justify or excuse this behaviour, it is disgusting, and I am glad that I have nothing to do with Bert anymore, but I think OCD might be an answer to Joe's question.


Tom
10:26 PM
Tue 4th Aug, 2020

Just thought I'd ask has anyone found out a way to make living with an autistic person less grim? In my case my wife is very autistic but hid it well enough when we met thirty years ago, she was and is very attractive and I really loved her from the start, her odd behaviour when we were young just seemed to be quirky and only added to her allure, but soon after we were together and started having children I realized something was not right, you all know what I mean, the odd words, no tact whatsoever, smiling/laughing and talking loud at funerals etc. I had always thought that she would learn how to fit in and I always tried my best to explain and help her but I'm sorry to say after thirty years she is no better at all and I think slightly worse and I'm done, I'm worn out covering up for her when she jars people with shocking quips in social settings We have great kids that are well adjusted to the world so I have no plans to leave or anything but like I said I'm done and I'm not ashamed to say I feel hard done by after all those years of raising a family with her to never have felt the warmth of a nice word from her. I think the worst part is everything can run along smoothly and I actually think this is a totally workable relationship, then she will do or say something so socially unacceptable that I feel like a sparkling summer day has been plunged into a miserable wet overcast november afternoon Love Tom


Joe
12:54 PM
Tue 4th Aug, 2020

There's another difficult AS type I've noticed - the contrarian. They go out of their way to be as unpleasant as possible and argue with anything someone says and are always trying to correct someone even if the person is not wrong about something. In real life you will avoid them because of their know it all and insulting attitude. They are also active on hobby forums and often get banned (and mistaken for trolls) because everyone will be having a civil discussion about a movie, for example and they'll go in and write several obsessive paragraphs about why everyone is wrong and why the movie really sucks and ruin the discussion. It's fine to have an opinion but they go overboard and go out of their way to have the opposite opinion of everyone else and love to invalidate other people. Does anyone know why some AS people act like this? For some AS this is their actual personality and can't understand as to why it makes them insufferable to be around. Is this just another manifestation of a lack of empathy and mind blindness?


Amanda
2:10 AM
Tue 4th Aug, 2020

I’ve posted a couple of times and reassuring that I’m not the only ones with issues with aspie. Got home tonight I asked him how he’s day was he said ok, he said I did nt argue with any one push or hit anyone, he’s been getting increasingly frustrated at work cos he always think s he right . I’m so sad, don’t no if I can stay with him for the next 20/30 years I feel so cruel and cross with my self I don’t just want a friend flat mate I want a proper husband that cherished me adores me makes me feel so loved who shares our life together who takes hold of our life and pushes our life forward.... I don’t think that will happen I thank you all for reading this, thanks to the site ... don’t feel like I’m going so mad now ... take care everyone


Mary
1:38 AM
Tue 4th Aug, 2020

To SJ (Aug. 2). You sound like an amazing, caring, patient human being. One who has tried his very best for someone he loves. As luck would have it, you fell in love with someone who will not and cannot ever love you back, in the way that you deserve. Because she has a brain disability that does not allow for reciprocation, care, and concern for you. It's not your fault, but it's also not your cross to bear. I applaud your decision to leave, and I want to encourage you to follow throuhg. And with tears of genuine compassion in my eyes I want to tell you that I wish you all the happiness and genuine love that you so richly deserve. All the best to you, SJ.


Jack
11:32 AM
Mon 3rd Aug, 2020

Hi all, I feel for everyone pouring out their hearts on this site. I'm glad we have an outlet for our pain. My ex "Sheri" is pretty, outgoing and sociable, intelligent and sweet. Most people would be shocked to find out she is on the Spectrum. She is brilliant at masking in front of both strangers and friends. So like everyone else, I was fooled at first. She was fun to be around and we went out all the time,to concerts, plays, festivals. She told me that she had been diagnosed with ADHD, so when I started noticing strange responses from her, I blamed her behavior on that. Autism didn't cross my mind. But the more I was around her,the more I saw that something was off. She didn't get basic jokes when we watched comedians,and had no clue what I was saying if I used metaphors or common cliches. She pretended to understand, but that made it even more awkward. She is smart, but often used the wrong word or a weird word you don't hear people use often. I felt embarassed for her when she said things that made her look condescending and uneducated at the same time. She also did inappropriate, and sometimes dangerous things that even children know not to do, like climbing onto a stranger's parked Harley on the street when they didn't give permission. These were subtle signs, but then I found out that she didn't understand emotions in others. One time on a date, we passed a guy in the street yelling at a woman for being late. Sheri looked at me with a confused face and asked if the guy was happy to see the woman. I then knew why she could never tell when I was upset. She was mind blind. I think this could be why she was so cheap and petty, since she didn't have empathy for others. She told me not to ever tip, or at most only tip a dollar. I told her that was not nice since waiters work for tips, but she didn't care. I always paid when we went out to eat, but on my birthday she said we could split the check, thinking that was generous. She told one friend she hadn't seen in months that the friend owed her 82 cents from a restaurant bill they had split months ago. I broke up with Sheri after 6 months of feeling like I wasn't being understood. I realized she would always be wrapped up in her self-centered viewpoint, and not be interested in how I feel. It was difficult because she had a lot of good qualities. Sheri finally admitted at the end that she had been diagnosed as being on the autistim spectrum, but she didn't believe it was true.


Liz
8:17 AM
Mon 3rd Aug, 2020

David, I completely agree with you. My Daughter dated a guy for a year and a half and he knew his weaknesses and how rude he was, he was fully aware that people didn't like him. He asked her to help him out with not only his awkwardness, but with everything else. He tried his very best and always seemed grateful for everything that she did for him. He was very sweet, caring and willing to do everything for her, and to make himself better. He always claimed he didn't want it to be like his father and grandpa who are not diagnosed but strongly suspected they also suffered the same condition. He'd   always mention how much his grandma suffered and how his grandpa was abusive and really rude to her, and was afraid he would end up like them. Suddenly one day he gave up, he got offended for something he was called out on and told my daughter he was fine the way he was and she just needed to love him the way he was. They're both still in high school, my daughter kind of justifies some of his abusive behavior thinking he was just having a bad day or she was being drama. He started to get worse than he was before, not just with her but with others, especially some of my daughter's friends with special needs. He dramatically changed and in less than a month he was already with other girls and acting out again. I wasn't able to understand what she went through until I joined this site and learned more about how they truly are. Thank you all for sharing, this has helped my daughter to understand more and help with her healing process. We also think his mother is an aspy based on the way she behaves and of course that is not much help for him. Thank you all for sharing. 


PhD
7:19 AM
Mon 3rd Aug, 2020

To DAVID - I would like to sincerely thank you for each and every of your posts. You always offer very valuable and powerful insights and I'm certainly looking forward for more. But I would like to ask you - how do you define the "basic rules of decent human behavior"? As a mental health professional, I often see that people tend to confuse empathy with social skills. You can teach people on a spectrum to control the volume of their voice when in a public place, or to make sure not to invade someone's personal space by standing too close while having a conversation. You can't teach them empathy, David. Lack of empathy is what makes them narcissists and sometimes psychopaths.. You can't teach them not to abuse people. It is simply not possible. Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating for them, and although I chose my very profession as a result of trying to recover from a deep psychological trauma I suffered while being in a relationship with a guy on a spectrum, I do not treat them. The key to recovery is to never put them under the NT light. Never. I apologize for my English, I'm not a native English speaker.


James
4:12 AM
Mon 3rd Aug, 2020

I suppose my experience is similar to everyone else's comments. I am a gay man who was in a relationship with a high functioning "aspie" for almost a decade. Him and I had plenty of communication problems from the onset and when I was told a few years into the relationship that he was atypical it made me feel resentment because this was crucial but withheld. I had gone through years of frustration and I did not choose to be in this relationship.i stuck with him because frankly I lived comfortably and he was an excellent provider, granted I worked as well but he made much more. I never waited for kisses and small tokens of affection and it was even painful without them. I felt unworthy of love at the time and I would say it put me in a dark place. I would talk about it with him and I never got why he never saw the need of my emotional well-being. I started to hate him at one point for his perceived withholding of needed affection. The thing is I realized something. While my resentment was founded in the fact he never informed me of his condition and allowed me to enter a relationship that, for me, requires everything a human needs, he at least did tell me and I did choose to be with him. Atypical people will not give you love in any way we expect. They can not. They show love in in other ways, subtle ways. The way I was hoping was like asking him to hear me while deaf, read my direction while blind. I can not imagine what is going on in his head but I can tell you he loved me because I still live in his house years later with my new partner. We are all friends. I get love but I see the ways my aspie works. I do not know if this will get published because it seems people want to attack people who are incapable of love when they don't get the impossible but, at least for the person who started this website and has a hateful heart, if you want love, touch, small signs of affection, endearment on a deep level, then do not look in it for an aspie. You will not be the exception. If someone is in need of love do not be foolish enough to look for it. I understand people have anger but the reason why Doctors get it and you do not is because you do not fully understand the science and you expect something that will never transpire. If you need love or are sensitive then recognize it IS different for people with AS.


Em
12:43 AM
Mon 3rd Aug, 2020

Hello. I was in a relationship with an AS boyfriend for a few years. It was the most confusing, stressful times of my life. He'd say he loved me but he'd also make me feel worthless and unloved by how he treated me and by the things he said to me. I saw a few therapists. I went on Tinder a few times in secret because I just wasn't getting the intimacy I wanted. I never had the heart to go through with cheating and it added a lot of guilt into the mix as well. We were long distance for a while, and when I came to visit during the holidays he didn't bother to try to wake up earlier so we can do stuff (he slept until 3) and at night he'd play video games with his friends until morning. I don't know why I even bothered to come visit. The thing is I know he loved me fully and he was doing his best, but unfortunately his best wasn't enough. I finally broke up with him, I was unhappy and I felt it was also unfair to him that I kept thinking about cheating. He was crushed. He cried a lot. He said he loved me and would try to change. He wanted me to give him another chance. I knew he meant everything he said, but I also knew he was just not able to change. It broke me. When I told him I was unhappy, he couldn't understand it. How can I be unhappy if he's happy? He just simply couldn't process that other people can feel different things than him. He told me to wait and reconsider because I was just being irrational. It was the hardest thing I've ever done but I did it. I still care about him deeply and he's not a bad person but he just wasn't relationship material. I've now started dating a new (NT) guy. People would say I downgraded. My AS ex was rich, good looking, smart, travels a lot because his family own properties in different countries. But there's really no comparison in the amount of reciprocity and attention that you get. I'm the happiest I've ever been. I just about burst into tears whenever my new boyfriend does things as simple as buying me food, opening doors, or remembering my birthday. I'm excited about doing things for him and buying him stuff because I know he would do the same for me. I'm finally happy about being alive. It's okay to be selfish. Our happiness comes first.


Angela
11:35 PM
Sun 2nd Aug, 2020

Reading this website has been eye opening. I've been dating a guy the last ~5 months but didn't see him for a long time due to Covid and stay home orders. I already noticed some things were a bit off after the first few dates. He was very matter of fact, strange way of communicating, old fashioned behaviours, would never answer the phone if I called out of the blue (only did this once or twice..), very routine/structure oriented. A very successful and seemingly outgoing guy but who was very awkward at times seemingly not knowing what to say or how to act. One time in the early dates he invited me over but said he will be having x for dinner and I could bring something to make for myself if I want. Like that's weird right? He also always wanted to get together mostly at his (and not for the reason you might be thinking I should add.) For the first 2 months ish it would be daily texts but then at the same time as Covid really kicked off he went through a stressful time at work and I would go weeks at a time without hearing from him/getting a reply. I thought this was just him ghosting me or going off me but then he'd pop back up chatting as if it was totally normal & nothing had happened, being sweet etc. I chatted to a friend about some of the above things and she said I wonder if he has Aspergers.. which led to a quick google and finding this site. It does seem to fit but then part of me is thinking, what if I've got it totally wrong? We have lots in common, he's handsome & as I said successful in his career.. but something just doesn't add up.


SJ
8:09 PM
Sun 2nd Aug, 2020

First of all, many thanks for this website which helped me to keep sane and understand that I’m not the only one who has suffered from this. My story is similar, if not identical, to others published here. I’m a male, living for 16 years with an undiagnosed ASD/HFA/Asperger female partner. I’ve first-hand experience of the usual (and some not so common) traits of people on the spectrum and learnt to cope with them, albeit with some tremendous cost: - Endless anxiety about every single thing. - Tired easily with long cues, trips, conversations or other tasks. - Easily losing focus, inability to maintain a generic conversation without getting bored or personal debate without exploding in anger. - Talking without a pause about her special interests, staying silent and not participating in any other subject. - Narrow-minded, lost mostly in her interest 24/7. - Purely selfish, egomaniac, rigid as hell, insensitive. - Daily tantrums, some of them very extreme, no apologies at all. - Continuous blaming and intimidating, she’s always right. - Always taking the side of others and not mine, even if they are clearly wrong. - Uninterested in personal, emotional or sex discussions, with no initiative in adult play and mostly robotic or disconnected intercourse. - No fantasy, no spirituality, no political views. - No sense of humour or implications. - Obsessed with cleanliness, symmetry, order, schedules and rituals. - Oversensitive to smells, sounds and taste. - Obsessed with food and sweets, dietary disorders. - Speaks louder than normal most of the time, can’t understand tone of voice. - Fear of the unknown, no excitement in trying new things without feeling absolutely safe. - Dedicated to her ASD family (mother-brothers), spending precious time every day and sharing her life with them. - Needy for all her matters, not able or feeling grateful to give back in return. - Successful professional, very good at her job, competitive, but not at all a team player. At first, none of these was obvious. There was something “strange” in her, but that was somehow loveable. I became her “eyes” in the world, supporting her personally and professionally. That’s the trap, she was gaining and I was feeling valuable. Although everything was obvious after 3-4 years with occasional tantrums, the mask fell off completely after our marriage. She became a dictator, an abuser, an insensitive monster who got overwhelmed easily, especially under work pressure. When I connected the dots, reading books, articles, and this website, while figuring out it was a common thing in her family, I had two options, stay and try harder or leave. My truth is I love this person, and I decided to try new approaches under the different prism I could see her and my relationship due to her condition. My only thought was: “I wouldn’t leave her if she had an accident and left handicapped, I would be there for her, come what may…” I did my best to try and talk through what could benefit both of us, while giving focus to her demands. I swear that my intention was to make her happy, help her more than I’ve done already and love her till the seas run dry… Although, it was extremely and painfully difficult to put the topic “autism spectrum” on the table, with several hurtful outbursts from her side, it didn’t work. She still denies it and fights back, although it is more than obvious in her whole family, even back to her grandfather. As she keeps extremely close relations with her HFA family, I’m the one who’s different and wrong. She’s safe in the environment she grew up, where the HFA traits are the normal and not something to care about and work on. She was raised with absolutely no restrictions and criticism on her behaviour, so I’m the bad guy who doesn’t say yes to everything that she wants. With such denial of the problem, with no ability to see the big picture or collaborate, this seems to be a lost game. All this time my first priority has been my relationship, and now I’m experiencing the depth of damage this had on me. I’ve been experiencing the usual emotional abuse, walking on egg shells, trying the impossible of turning this into a normal relationship for so long. I’ve been feeling drained, invalidated, isolated, low self-esteemed, with long periods of depression, especially when I had no clue WTF was going on in my life. I left myself completely, lost in this chaotic anomaly. Now, I’m literally in the door-step with my suitcases. It’s very painful as much as death, but I have to protect myself and try to reborn and live again with no obstacles or mental issues. I hope that one day she could see the world with different eyes, and understand how much I loved her as she has a distorted understanding of what true love really is. It’s not fair for her, I really feel sorry for the difficulties she’s been facing, and I wish I could help and live my life with her under normal conditions. Thanks again everyone for sharing their experiences and personal dramas. Wish you all the best!


Cailín
4:46 PM
Sun 2nd Aug, 2020

Looks like I am spending Sunday isolating in my bedroom. Husband has had yet another meltdown already over something trivial. His aggressive rage saddens me and I will take the blame as ever. A 41 year marriage of mis-steps, misunderstandings and his mind blindness just means I am trying very hard day by day to accommodate him, but who exactly accommodates the spouse? Fed up with this and trying to develop self care as a mechanism.


Amanda
4:44 PM
Sun 2nd Aug, 2020

And also he says he doesn’t understand, when I try to talk to him.....


Amanda
4:20 PM
Sun 2nd Aug, 2020

Thanks to you’re responses to my posting.. I also live with guilt, I think it’s all my fault that I’m asking too much I have moments were I think the best think to do is ask him to leave ... Then he does something nice and I forgive him .. I’m a soft personality but a independent and successful, I’m afraid off losing him but I really feel living with him for the rest of my life is scary.... he’s so untidy, messy, I’ve asked him not to swear as his does, he’s trying I don’t think he’ll survive with out me , and said if we break up he ll won’t want to Be my friend ... Do I give up on my dreams of happiness my health my digestive system is chronic My mental health is getting worse, I love my work and my daughters and mum too This is my 2 nd marriage, as nd I’m ashamed that I’m thinking about wanting to be on my own Thanks so good to find this site.


David
8:53 AM
Sun 2nd Aug, 2020

I agree with Stephany's comment. I would also add that there is something that makes me very uneasy about the way that aspies are essentially coddled by mental health professionals, at the expense of those of us who are hurt by them. Let's use some common sense here. I firmly believe that aspies can be taught some basic rules of decent human behavior. They may not find such rules innate or intuitive due to an brain hard wiring disorder. But to say that they do not realize what they are doing, and the hurt that they are inflicting on others, is simply beyond reason. We can train pets to behave well- pets do not have the complex cognitive machinery that humans do, and yet they can be trained. Even pets have what appears to be empathy for their human owners when we are hurting. Pets with less sophisticated brains than ours. And yet we are supposed to accept that aspies- who are human beings with a high level of intelligence- cannot at least make an attempt to learn certain behaviors that meet us half way in our attempts at achieving a semblance of normal human relationships? Sorry, I simply don't buy it. I believe that aspies can do better, but that they actively choose not to, partly because of the protection afforded to them by the label of "disability". I believe that there is a manipulative part of their behavior that has been condoned and even enabled by mental health professionals, who themselves do not realize this deceptive character trait of at least some aspies. This is my personal opinion- I am not a mental health professional, but in some ways perhaps that is my strength, because I can call it the way that I see it. I admit that I could be wrong about this, but my views are shaped by my experiences, some of which might be valuable for health care professionals to consider, if they truly want to help not only aspies but the people who have been terribly hurt by them. It is time for mental health professionals to realize the entire family that should be viewed as the patient in these situations, not just the aspie.


PhD
6:28 AM
Sun 2nd Aug, 2020

Dear Stephany, Welcome to the place where AS people ARE Held Accountable for the profound trauma they inflict on normal human beings. I refuse to use term "NT" and insist on calling us "normal people". Because WE ARE. To hell with political correctness, the pain AS put us through is pure hell and we do not deserve it.


Stephany
5:34 AM
Sun 2nd Aug, 2020

A NT person who behaves the way an AS person would be considered rude, selfish, and abusive. AS get a pass because of their diagnosis, but is it right not to hold someone accountable because of their disorder? They might have a disorder, but their spouses, siblings, parents, and many people that are forced to deal with them are stressed out and victims to their aggravating behavior, narcissism and mindblindness. AS people can be so stressful to deal with that their spouses, family, etc. end up with health problems and mental health problems themselves from years of having to put up with AS behavior... which, if a NT person acted this way, would be considered abuse. I see support groups for people with AS and how other people need to accommodate them, but what about a NT family member who ends up a mental illness or health problem due to this behavior they've been forced to accommodate for years? AS doesn't just affect AS people. Everyone around them goes through hell.


Amanda
2:29 PM
Sat 1st Aug, 2020

Writing this makes my situation like all yours very real ... I met a beautiful man 5 years ago, many of the usual aspie things happened... We split up many times, his charm smile eyes drew me back ...I married him a year ago, he changed even on our wedding day no compliments how mice I looked, he spent most of afternoon with his family... After a bad melt break down broken plates in sink hole in wall we’re he threw his phone left voicemail saying he was leaving we’re no one can find him... I was desperate rang police he eventually turned up. Police were great helpful worried for me as well as him. I’m so sad, I love him but fearful of future sad of support love I need ....


R.T.
4:16 AM
Sat 1st Aug, 2020

This is my 2nd time posting on here. Unfortunately after 2 months of doing well with no contact, I made the mistake of reaching out to my "Aspie" a few days ago, in a moment of "neuro-typical", caring, normal, "wonder how he's doing", because heaven forbid he reached out to me, and/or actually cared, gesture. Only to be met with the usual robotic and detached, uncaring and un-empathetic response. He replied as usual at first, with no emotion, just a generic response, as if we hadn't been involved for the past almost 4 years, off and on, and haven't spoken in the past few moths. Later in the day, as the "conversation" (texting because he can't handle real adult conversations) progressed and I mentioned the few things that I was hurt by, a few months ago...him admitting that he had been withholding from his friends and family that we were talking again for months, as if I'm some kind of monster and that him telling me his Mother was "unimpressed" by me, even though she only met me for a few minutes, I live in a luxury apartment and make good money and genuinely cared for her son, while her adult son lives home and has nothing to show for himself. Naturally received no genuine apology for him being hurtful or saying hurtful things like that. Instead, I was met with defensiveness and then asked robotically, why I cared for him. And when I replied with honest answers, most of which were positive and loving statements, with little mention of my issues with his behavior, other than I'm used to dating people who spend time with me...because he prefers to be home, in his "safe space", as a grown man, living home with his parents. I didn't say all that to him but that is the dysfunctional reality of his life. 36 and still living at home in his childhood bedroom, hanging out with his parents on the weekend instead of socializing, playing video games and chatting with people online. Then the super awkward responses really kicked in. He suggests we could have virtual interactions via Skype going forward. Why would I Skype with someone, who lives 10 minutes away, rather than have a real attached human interaction? Oh wait...because I'm not an Aspie. He's super involved in the virtual world, but will also admit how sometimes he lives in a fantasy land. Typical Aspie. I agree with a lot of these posts, that their behavior gets worse over time, as the mask comes off. He no longer wears one with me or cares to. With "friends", family and co-workers, etc., he's "such a nice guy", and to me, the person who has done nothing but try to show him love, and kindness and caring, over and over again. I am repeatedly met with detachment, lac of empathy and total lack of appreciation. Well shockingly enough, because he can't handle any honest feedback, even though he asked for it, he ended our interaction with, "he was fine until I messaged him and I should go away". Mind you two months ago he was telling me that I make him happy, he's just not a happy person. Here I am left again...to "lick my wounds", alone as usual, while he carries on as if nothing matters. Certainly not me anyways. I truly relate to all of you in that through their actions, they truly show they are incapable of having ANY true, meaningful connection. With anyone. It will not change. That's actually one of my ex's favorite rebuttals...he's "not going to change". He couldn't possibly see that change can be good, is growth and is a normal part of life. Any other acted insights into himself, he will contradict in the next breath, and if you say the same thing to them, that they say will admit about themselves, you're the one with the problem and it's the end of the world. I'm done for good, even trying to care as a friend. He was involved in a major motorcycle accident last year, while we were out of contact and I had no idea. I think about those things, like a normal caring person, that I like to know he's ok, etc. But to him, I'm just something he has to deal with...that "forces" him to deal with emotions, interactions, life. I will always care but it will NEVER be reciprocated. No truly.


Viola
12:46 AM
Sat 1st Aug, 2020

I spare you my story as it is roughly the same as everybody else's here. So I just want to tell you this: Do it, leave! Including people that may have financial/family ties. You can make it and anything else after will seem like a walk in the park. I promise you. It is going to feel so good and you are going to be re-born. Regardless if you start dating again or not, getting reed of a massive rock pulling you down is going to save your life, metaphorically and realistically speaking. We were not born to grief 24/7. Choose life. These individuals have a toxic charm and that is why so many struggle to let them go but once you break the spell and start tasting life again, you'll know the difference and that's going to be sooo sweet. Happy life everybody!


Gina
11:45 PM
Fri 31st Jul, 2020

@mary I can completely relate to everything you wrote Never had experience with an Asperger's person before after a month of dating I ended with him upon returning from a comedy show He seemed a bit confused as he thought 'everything was going well' Then suddenly decided that because of one innocent message I sent him regarding plans in the previous week we were incompatible.....and to quote he could not understand my way of thinking or the way I saw the world or the Universe? Pretty strong statement there so I left it He asked to stay friends and I said yes no problem 1st month as you described once a week dates not much communication in between just something seemed a little off with him from the beginning although he was pleasant enough He would invite me on dates and acted like he was just somewhere else and sometimes like he didn't even want me there Within a couple of weeks he felt I had perhaps jumped the gun about him Not knowing what exactly I was dealing with at that time I thought perhaps I might have We continued but over the next month same behaviour Rigid robotic poor non verbal communication Couple of compliments at the beginning then after that nothing I tried to gently approach what I could only describe as a feeling of INDIFFERENCE from him But by just over two months in I started to feel gaslighted blamed he didn't 'get things' I couldn't approach anything with him but I was made to feel like I was attacking him Self absorbed and it dawned on me he had a problem not only seeing my perspective but also the perspective of others Coming up to 3 months I was done just so confused But he tried again to come back? Restart And at that point I laid a firm boundry with him and said No way I was made to feel guilty for setting a boundry of course We have mutual friends so I knew he wasn't getting it and rather than cause a scene I just cut him off. My self esteem took a wobble and my confidence was knocked a little This person who kept saying he was trying to get to know me I wasn't giving him a chance Yet wouldn't even enquire as to how my day had been etc Seemed unable to express emotions and I never knew if he was happy or sad or anything Lack of facial expressions monotone verbal expressions etc something's just sounding so scripted Although I did mention to him I felt he was wearing a mask and hiding something from me at one point Because of mutual friends etc we did speak again 2 months after I ended it He acknowledged how I would feel he was indifferent to me etc At that point knowing he had a definate diagnosis of dyslexia as a child and looking at forums had lead me to the Nuerotypical website/Asperger's And when I read all the testimonies the penny actually dropped I was astounded at the identification I got and the similarities I think perhaps he knew I can't be sure I mentioned Asperger's to him so weather he knows or not he has had some feedback @Phd I also thought Narcissism He had a couple of friends that he seemed to treat well and a relatively good relationship with his sister But it seemed to me or rather I came to the conclusion that the intimate partner would be the one who got the worst of him I'm glad I trusted my gut instinct Some of these testimonials are heartbreaking to read My ex said he didn't 'mean to intentionally hurt anyone' So I suggested he get help for himself then Weather he does or not is anyones guess but he is an adult running a successful business etc So that's on him I will have to see him socially because of mutual friends But I'm glad I'm out of that relationship


Fairlie
5:48 AM
Fri 31st Jul, 2020

Further to what I wrote earlier today - I think that several things are the most challenging for NT's - mainly understanding the different ways 'Aspie' partners often think, act and react (over or under). There's no way to make sense of it except to realize and accept that their brains are just 'wired' differently'. It can be like dealing with 'an alien species'! It's easy to take things very personally and be stressed/angry. If I keep a 'cool head' I can think of creative ways to communicate or act. My husband can sometimes seem quite normal and other times he'll do and say things that are insensitive and problematic for me and others. He can be arrogant and overly critical. This could be because he's over-stimulated, tired or hungry. With this Covid situation he's been paranoid a couple times but has stopped watching main stream news which helps a lot! With time and patience I've learned more about Aspergers, forgiven him for past 'offenses' discuss concerns with him and have 'trained' him to be more aware and thoughtful - even apologizing to me when he's inappropriate. With my support he takes better care of himself. I do sometimes remind him to pay attention to his hygiene and wearing cloths that 'match'. Yes, I'm a partner, mother figure, teacher, nutritionist, counselor and sounding board for some of his 'ideas'. He also contributes a lot to my well-being - being very thoughtful, helpful and supportive in many different ways. He's not at all interested in sex and I've been able to accept that. He's affectionate. I try to see/focus on his positive qualities. I've had to accept that certain situations and sensory stimuli (like noises, extreme temperature changes) can de-rail him. Years ago he would sometimes 'bolt' leave me when stressed (including when on vacations). This would REALLY upset me but I was able to get him to stop by talking about it with him. I believe that positive changes can happen but it does take time, patience and creativity. I 'choose my battles'. Some things just aren't important enough to tackle. My husband (now retired) does a lot for us - he gladly shops, likes to cook, does the laundry and various errands, will do some 'repairs'. Showing my appreciateion for his efforts does encourage him to be helpful. His mind is often 'elsewhere' so picking up after him sometimes or doing most of the household chores isn't really that important. Having a peaceful environment matters most - especially having had many turbulent times in the past. Karen mentioned a problematic situation when driving with her partner. (Karen, I hope you find a solution for this matter to feel and be safe!). Some of the 'Aspies' in my life are unpredictable when driving - sometimes distracted or angry and aggressive. I now avoid driving with people I don't feel 'safe' with in a vehicle. We live in a city with good public transportation so we don't have a car.


PhD
4:47 AM
Fri 31st Jul, 2020

This is in response to Karen. There is no "borderline situations" with people with Aspergers. Yes, it is a spectrum; however, what you might perceive as "borderline" is nothing but masking and pretending. From my personal experience and everything I have learned over the years on this subject, I would highly recommend that you run while you can. If you decide to stick around and continue to engage, you will inevitably see the mask slip and your person's behavior become more and more narcissistic.


Fairlie
1:45 AM
Fri 31st Jul, 2020

Karen, this is a response to your concerns about staying with someone with Aspergers. My husband and I have been together for 33 years. We've had both very good and also extremely difficult times! I can relate to many of the painful situations other people describe. As I mentioned in another post, I'm grateful that we're doing better now and I listed some things that have helped so I won't repeat what I said there - you can look it up (Posted June 30/20). From what you've written some things stand out. You've been researching and recognize his 'differences' that can be attributed to Aspergers. His very supportive, loving care for his parents and steps to be closer to his brother have impressed you. Some 'Aspies' have more potential than others to have good relationships - his good relationships with family and friends are a positive sign. As well, partners differ in their abilities to understand, cope with challenges, find creative ways to deal with situations and communicate their needs. A few years ago, when I first learned about Aspergers, I read many comments from spouses (on other sites) and occcasionally there would be someone saying that they were happy in their relationships and mentioned the positives about their partners/husbands - loyalty was one. It does take certain qualites and efforts to make any relationship 'work' but even more with someone with this condition. Their ways of thinking and behaving can be quite 'foreign' to us! Communication can be challenging but it's key to understanding one another better and accepting or altering 'view points'. Whether to stay in or leave a relationship is a difficult decision. Whether from a break up or partners death, it's important to have a 'back up plan' and access to resources/support for health and happiness. From what you described about yourself and your partner I think/feel that yours could be a successful and happy relationship.


Lolita
10:58 PM
Thu 30th Jul, 2020

Karen, I just read your testimonial. I would say leave, my aspie ex seems very similar to your aspie. When I married and started living with him things got worse. It was like a switch was turned off in his brain and I became invisible to him. He stopped speaking to me about anything that was not essential. He also became more and more lost in a world of his own. There was no emotional connection between us. After 1.5 years of living like this, the emotional and social deprivation manifested in me as severe stomach aches and depression and I left. In my view, start detaching yourself and leave before things get worse.


Jane
10:12 PM
Thu 30th Jul, 2020

Dear Karen and all, I have just come back to the site as I am, yet again, struggling with my AS partner. I am living with him and surviving, in the bare sense of the word, but it's not pleasant. I have to continually take the blame for everything, I am repeatedly cut off without being able to share my feelings, and I have to always apologize even when I have nothing to apologize for and rather deserve an apology from him, which I will absolutely, never get. I came here to read your testimonials and write my own as it helps me to have a place where someone is listening, where I don't get cut off (I can write out my frustration and my comment doesn't get cut off, unlike in my real life) and where I can truly, honestly say how I feel. I hope we can all stand this and find some way to live peaceful, satisfying lives, but I sincerely doubt it, unfortunately. Things get marginally, slightly better and then get way worse again. I can't focus, I don't feel very well emotionally, and physically, everything, and I don't know what to do with my life, where to go from here, it's just a constant struggle. Lots of love to all who are reading and struggling, too...at least we're truly not alone, we all have each other. Let's remember that in our worst and most challenging times.


Mary
9:45 PM
Thu 30th Jul, 2020

To Karen (July 30). I understand your struggle, and I was likewise torn with the Aspie guy I dated on-off for two years. The high-functioning ones can be so charming, so witty, so intelligent in ways you don't see in most NTs. But their limitations are hard-wired, and don't show up reliably, or they can be masked. So the flashes of caring and empathy that you may see in your partner when dealing with others, cannot be counted on when it comes to YOU. Frankly, they can treat those that are closest to them, the worst. And this will hurt you even more. Using your examples: 1) He may have cared for his mom when she had cancer. But if you came down with a serious disease (heaven forbid) you might very well find yourself alone, ignored, and unsupported. 2) He may have patched things up with his brother, but there is no guarantee that with you he will apply the same relationship-repair efforts. In fact, this Forum and many other ASD forums have thousands of stories from AS partners whose significant others have no insight that there is even a problem in the relationship, let alone take steps to repair. In fact, they are often in denial and either ignore or blame their significant others for the problem. 3) You may prompt him to ask about your day. He may do it sometimes. But you will have to keep prompting. And rest assured after a decade you will eventually wonder bitterly why someone you have cared cannot remember this tiny task, and why it STILL does not come to him naturally. 4) He is loyal to his small number of friends and family, but he doesn't live with them. The insidious neglect and aloofness that Aspies have in close quarters will only wear you down and erode your self esteem. In short: "borderline" Aspies are still not the full package. Permit me to ask: Why are you even considering to settle for less, Karen?


Karen
1:58 PM
Thu 30th Jul, 2020

I have learned so much from reading all of your insights, and in particular I think David has made a great point in answer to why we stay involved with someone when we start to see the signs of AS in a partner. It's that need to offer love and warmth to someone who is special in your life, but I know that I need to feel loved and cherished in return. I have heard the expression 'borderline' asperger, and I'm aware that there is no 'one-size-fits-all' when it comes to describing an AS person. My partner does not exhibit all the characteristics that have been outlined in the very helpful documents on this site, but some are so clear that I spotted it early on: the exaggerated vocabulary when speaking or texting (every written word starts with a capital letter which I find interesting); a heightened sensitivity to certain noises and to skin-touch; total focus on talking about himself or his interests (his response to my suggestion sometimes that he could ask about MY day sometimes results in his annoyance that I am 'prompting' him, to which I agree and suggest he should still ask); the superiority he feels in relation to others around him (although he has conceded that I and my friends are quite intelligent, which has had me giggling as I confirm to him that he's right !!); the inability to understand jokes and satire - in fact it's not just lack of understanding, he sometimes takes a joke completely seriously; his driving can become quite alarming if other drivers are overtaking or going at high speed - it's as though he has to compete; and last but not least, the empathy and emotional feedback is not 'normal' but this is where I am confused about the 'borderline' situation. His sense of loyalty to close friends (small in number) and family is quite extraordinary, and I know he understands how to care. For example, his mother suffered for 9 months with cancer and he was constantly at her home helping her and visiting her at the hospice - the same for his father some years earlier. And he still gets emotional and tearful talking about what she went through. He also had a falling-out with his brother and has personally taken steps over the last few months to rebuild the bridges. I have known and loved him for over a year now and although I am aware that showing affection does not come easily to him (and by the way, I don't think AS people have a monopoly on that issue), I do have the impression that he cares. Am I daft? However I also recognise that my relationship with him will not be the same as between two NTs. And so this is my dilemma - do I listen to all of your warnings that I know have been written from the heart and from a genuine place of much pain for some of you? Or are there also some happier stories out there from people who have lived with an AS person and survived? Is it all doom and gloom? Do I cut the ties now? It's hard!


Mary
11:28 AM
Thu 30th Jul, 2020

To Liz (July 30), I could have written your post word-for-word. I also dated a guy for over 2 years, on-and-off. I figured out the Aspergers' about 1 year into the relationship, but I still stuck around despite the baffling disconnection, frustration, communication issues, aloofness, and rude/blunt comments. He professed a desire to be with me, but it always felt like it would be fine if he did not see or hear from me for days or weeks. He did call to ask me out weekly (probably a script), but then rarely looked happy to see me, never planned anything I wanted to do or might enjoy, was unaffectionate and vacant, never asked about me, and just talked constantly about himself. He has no friends, and just piggy-backed onto my social life if and when it suited him. (Conversely, if he did not feel like attending something I invited him to, he just wouldn't. End of story). Of course, I'm just describing a textbook Aspie, and it's my own fault for staying as long as I did, even knowing what I was up against. I did break up with him 4 or 5 times, but I went running back because guys like this can be so intelligent and charming. Yet, it still falls squarely on me to untangle why I didn't bail out at the first red flag, and would have tolerated this for so long. To those who have realized they are in a non-relationship with an Aspie -- just leave. Go, go, go. As fast as you can. They cannot change, they cannot give you a proper relationship, and they will never, ever care about how much you've tried, or how much you are hurting, depleted, or lonely. They literally cannot care. It's a terrible brain dysfunction, and very well hidden in many of them, but none of that sad reality eases the Aspie partner's own suffering. You will never get true love, support, care, comfort, understanding or empathy from those who have Asperger's. Never.


Liz
2:35 AM
Thu 30th Jul, 2020

I just ended a on-off relationship with an Aspergers man that lasted over 2 years. My therapist told me stay away when noted the communcation and emotional inconsistancies but I didn't know the depth of an Aspie man's inability to connect and I have paid dearlly for this mistake. My story is like everyone elses. You feel like they don't care about you at all but they protest that they do. You leave the relationship feeling like you have been punched in the face by an Aspergers man that you believe cares for you but his actions make you feel unimportant, unseen, unheard, invisible, unwanted, lonely, confused, unvalidated, unworthy, ignored, needy, and delusional. I am not upset at myself for falling into this trap because you have to experpience being in a relationship with a person like this to actually believe they exist. It is almost incomprehensible that someone so genuinly charming,intellient, caring, popular, hardworking and so strong in his convictions to be with you could simoultaneously be so cold, oblivious, unaffectonate and aloof. The worst feeling is knowing that you would have given anything to make it work with this person and yet they also make you feel you are the cause for the relationship failure when he cannot even be bothered to respond to a text or call you back. It is unfathomable that someone would marry you and yet is unable to give you the basic reciprocity of affection and care. My boyfriend genuinly tried to please me but it was always crumbs. It was torture. He never asked me questions, the affection was forced and robotic and he would ignore me after great dates. At the beginning he was attentive and caring but as the relationship continued and he knew he "had me" he never iniatied dates, would sit next to me during movies at my place and not try to touch me or engage me at all and then would claim that our relationship was "shallow". His aloofness and indifference never ceased to amaze me. I have been in pain since I met this man and I know he doesn't care at all. His tagline is "I think logically" and whenever I tried to explain why any woman would feel alienated by her boyfriend not texting or calling he would coldly say with a laugh that "I'm not concerned with what everyone else thinks". I could never get through to him. There was never any closeness or bond and I feel like the relationship meant nothing to him when I though he was the love of my ife. I am still reeling and am disbelief that this happened to me. Do not ever think you can do anything to receive the love, partnership, and understanding that is a given in any normal relationship. Everyone told me to run and now I know why. Now I know he is too dangerous for me to be around and I hope to never fall into this trap with him again.


Anastasia
5:29 PM
Wed 29th Jul, 2020

Just came across this site and now feel sick to my stomach. I have been fighting with myself for the past 5 years whether I stay or leave and reading these comments just makes all my worries about the future so much worse.....I have been in a relationship with my partner for 17 years and have 3 children. 6 years ago he was diagnosed with Asperger's which in a way was a relief... to know this was the cause of many frustrations in the relationship and that he didn't mean to hurt my feelings. I thought we could work out a plan since we both now could understand what was going on in the relationship and each others needs but 6 years later I still feel as though I am a single mum, I'm losing myself more and more. He is not an angry aspie, so to break up the family over me feeling like I would get less emotionally hurt being on my own, tears me apart and so I continue to push my feelings aside and continue on.


Roisin
9:53 AM
Wed 29th Jul, 2020

I would like to agree with those on this site who state that aspies are truly incapable of what NTs describe and require as love. Reciprocity is just simply not possible, in my opinion, for an Aspergers partner Those of us on this site who have been involved with Aspergers men and women do frequently possess very deep ability to love and to empathize, and are easily enticed into codependency. It became clear that my ex husband of 28 years had been an alcoholic who knew no "rock bottom," but after I extricated myself from that relationship, which was no easy feat, codependency had become a lifestyle for sure. After much soul searching, I have actively sought help for this type of behavior, and find now, after a couple of years, therapy, Alanon, and deliberate celibacy, that I am becoming much better at perceiving the red flags, and ending involvements very quickly, before things become out of control.I am also attracting more responsive and loving NT men and friends. We all need, and deserve, reciprocal love and caring. All the best to everyone on this site in our mutual struggles!


Katie
4:08 AM
Wed 29th Jul, 2020

I’m so happy that I found this sight!! My experience was much like yours Jean. My relationship lasted for 8mos, with a man who was diagnosed with Aspergers in college, but never seeked any therapy that I feel could’ve really helped, and never didn’t talk about it much. Like Jean, my ex-boyfriend would never come over to my place, even though I was the one working full-time, and he just lived off a trust fund. I was 30 and he was 41 when we got together, and initially I was drawn to how intelligent he was on certain topics, how much he loved nature, and generally seemed to care about others well-being. Although, he hadn’t had a girlfriend in 5 years, he had many girlfriends before me; "one right after the other in his 20s", as an acquaintance of his, that knew him for many years, explained to me. He didn’t have any close friends, but that didn’t bother me initially as he really put on the best performance. Sex wasn’t robotic, but not the best, as he would stop me in the middle of and say something that made it seem like he wasn’t really even connected to the moment. All sex then stopped completely within a little over a month after our relationship began. I tried to initiate, and show very obvious signs of how much I desired him, but eventually gave up because he acted like he didn’t even notice, or when I got overly obvious he would just hit me with harsh rejection and yell something like “why are you rubbing my crotch”. At the same time, he always talked about sex, and it drove me crazy. Around the time that sex stopped, little by little the mask began to come off. The gas-lighting in this relationship became really apparent 6mos into dating him; he would tell me that I’d never find anyone, and would struggle all of my life to my inability to make emotional connections with others, and therefore I was lucky to have found him. He would also say that I needed to seek therapy for low self-esteem; all of my friends whole-heatedly disagreed with him on that. The truth is though, that he was sucking all of the self-esteem out of me, and by hanging around him I was beginning to lose myself. For months on end he never complimented me, and always just gave me criticism, but at the end of the day would say he loved me; I didn’t get how he could possibly be sincere, when he could never find anything good to say about me. Birthday’s and holidays are important to me, and I would invite him out to holiday parties, but he would never come. He expected people to always recognize his birthday, and I treated him on his birthday, but when mine came up, he didn’t even acknowledge it. The silent treatment from him, was very common in our relationship; when he would finally talk, he would still act grumpy for days and say something vague like “it just bothers me, that you don’t understand why I am upset”. He had severe separation anxiety, and if I couldn’t come over at least 3 nights a week, he would definitely let me know how upset he was, but would never except an invitation to come to my place instead. This anxiety was one of many things that made me feel like I was more like his mother than his SO. He was also a night owl, always going to bed at 4am and sleeping until noon, and put no effort into changing this so that we could meet half-way in our schedules; I needed to be at work by 8am on weekdays, and have trouble sleeping past 8am on the weekend too. On weekends I would sit around doing nothing until 1pm or 2pm, because he’d get upset if I left without him to exercise or something, and by the time he was up and ready to do something, he didn’t even seem to realize that the day was more than half-done for me. I’m very independent and self-sufficient, but it never did occur to him, that maybe I should go over and help my girlfriend with her flat tire. Or maybe I should help her with her friend’s move. Or maybe I should offer to pick my girlfriend up from her dental procedure. Nope, he was mind-blind to small gestures of affection like that. I tried to make it obvious, by asking him straight-forward if he could help by picking me up or something, but since it usually interfered with his daily, non-work, routine he would say something like "I have other things that I should do at home". He was very black and white in his thinking, and he became more and more snappy throughout our relationship. The most petty things would send him into melt-down. And yet, I was so quite and tolerant of his behavior, even though I’d be crying myself to sleep at night. He never seemed aware of his wild emotional overreactions, and never apologized about it when someone was able to point out his outbursts. Along with the melt-downs, he had a growing hoarding problem. He could never pass by something on the roadside, that was free, without taking it home. Nearly everyday, his brief excursions into society included a trip to the town thrift shop where he would buy items for $1, $5, or $10, and then would research, for hours, while we were together to show me how he made money, because the items were selling for $11, $15, or $40 online; yet, he never did put any effort into actually selling the items (chalices, candle stick holders, and such) that he bought from the thrift store, and just let them pile up, consuming his whole spare bedroom. In the end I really wasn’t getting anything out of the relationship, it was just sucking me dry emotionally, but still cared about him deeply for some reason. It wasn’t until the COVID-19 shutdowns happened that I was able to finally break-up with him, as his level of paranoia around the pandemic greatly exceeded mine. Since I was still going to the grocery store, and work (with social distancing), and not washing my clothing the second I got home he called me one of those “stupid people, who believes in conspiracy theories” on several occasions, until I told him it was over. I loved this man, but he had no ability to show love back. I’m still getting over this relationship, and it makes me upset how much effort I put in to trying to make things work, and how little he was able to show he cared. He would say he cared, but he was just mind-blind on how to show it. My ex was not a narcissist, he just didn’t have any ability to self-evaluate sometimes, or perceive how others would feel, which made him seem like one sometimes. He wouldn't intentionally hurt you the way narcissists do. For example, he is on the fitness app “Strava” and bragged to everyone else he met that was on it how great his ratio was since he only follows 3 people and has over 100 people following him; he’d say “nobody has a better ratio than me”, which people just found this snobby, and I tell you, he had no clue.


Done.
2:45 AM
Wed 29th Jul, 2020

If you are early enough into the relationship to run, RUN! Or you will end up, miserable, broken, trapped and physically too ill to leave, just like me. Years of gaslighting and invalidation WILL take their toll on you, i don't believe that any NT women can avoid the terrible, awful effect that AS men have on us. I am ill, financially trapped and have no idea how to escape this angry man/child who is now becoming increasingly emotionally abusive (more than AS causes) Don't do it.


David
8:22 PM
Tue 28th Jul, 2020

When I read these experiences, I am constantly reminded that we unknowingly share a common feature that makes us very vulnerable to being trapped in a relationship with an aspie. I believe that we all share a certain degree of co-dependency, myself included, which is damaging to us in the long run. It makes us feel validated to be with someone who needs to be loved and understood, when no one else has been able to do that for them. We welcome such a person into our lives, in order to give ourselves meaning. We need to help the aspie (or the narcissist- it's the same dynamic) in order to make ourselves feel good about ourselves. That is co-dependency, and it's unhealthy. In so doing, we sacrifice ourselves for someone else, we soon realize that we are nothing more than a caretaker, and it drains us and makes us question our worth when our efforts are not reciprocated. We cannot change the aspie, and yet we fool ourselves into thinking that there will be improvement, if we could only try harder to reach into their psyche. And when we fail to do that, we blame ourselves. But aspies are fixed in their ways, believing that they are perfect, the next stage in human evolution, and that we are the ones who are flawed. If we are honest with ourselves, we will realize that there is a part of our hearts that needs an excessive (and inappropriate) amount of validation from someone who is essentially broken, in order to fix them. In a healthy relationship, however, we should not want to "fix" or "change" anyone, and with an aspie in particular, this is simply impossible to do. Let's try our best to recognize our true value as empathetic, caring human beings, and let's direct our energies to people who appreciate those qualities in us. We are not here to fix a broken person, and in so doing become broken ourselves. We are here to find a relationship that enables us to grow and flourish, and to do the same for our partner. Let's set emotional boundaries for ourselves so that we recognize when we are giving too much without getting anything in return. Every person who has contributed to this website deserves better than what an aspie partner is able or willing to provide. They are not our responsibility- we have a responsibility to ourselves first. Don't allow an intrinsically broken person to destroy the very thing that makes you special- your ability to love, empathize, and enjoy a fulfilling relationship with someone who deserves you. The aspie does not.


Chrissy
1:45 PM
Tue 28th Jul, 2020

Hi, I'm glad I found this site. I suspect my ex is an Aspie. When we met everything was amazing, but even on out first date (a weekend together) he walked around watching parliament on his phone. He did things, that were cute and endearing. When we went to make love, he'd make excuses and say he was rubbish at it or too nervous, or felt like a virgin (he's 49 and previously married). He made me feel the weekend has been a disappointment from his behaviour, he always seemed distant. But he loved the weekend, and we met up 2 weeks later for another. On this weekend though, same excuses when it came to sex, but his dog that he always brought with him wasn't eating, so I suggested searching online and he completely lost it and shouted at me, out of nowhere. I cried. He always had to have the lights completely dimmed too. At xmas he came to my parents for xmas, and ended up counting everyone at church. He drinks constantly. For xmas he didn't buy me much, and after xmas instead of buying me something extra, he bought himself a new phone, iPad etc. Then at valentines day he knew I wanted flowers, but didn't;t buy me any. It was like he couldn't understand how much it hurt. He was always selfish, everything was about him. He'd always tell me not to analyse anything, and he was always in a bad mood. I miss him terribly, but he made me so ill. I lost a stone in weight, and I was a constant nervous wreck. We were long distance too. I know I should run, but I still want him back. There's so much more I could add, and I'd only been with him almost a year.


Clare
3:58 AM
Tue 28th Jul, 2020

Hi. I am so grateful I have found this site and it has stopped me going crazy this evening. I am sitting here on my own again as my ASD husband is asleep upstairs . Having a shutdown as something trivial didn’t go his way . No doubt this will last for days ... I have been married for 11 years and together 17 . He is a master of masking . No hang on truth is he drinks and only when he stopped drinking his ASD become clear as day and it’s awful living with it . I love him but it’s lonely and I’ve cried buckets of teas through his drinking and lying and now his diagnosis. I now have to think can I face this for the next 20 odd years ?? Most of the time he is fine , does things for me , very attentive but I literally have to lose my shit before he sees that I am upset or cry myself stupid until he sees I am sad. I am an independent confident woman with a large social circle so why am I here sat alone when he is shut down upstairs ?? I don’t know what to do anymore. I have heard that it gets worse with age and that’s why I think it’s so obvious now (he is 52). He didn’t start off like this because I know think alcohol masked it. I feel like staying married but carving a life of my own in order to protect my sanity .


Jan
2:39 AM
Mon 27th Jul, 2020

This site has literally saved my sanity!! I was with an Asperger boyfriend for almost two years, and I literally lost myself during that time. I can't believe how far I fell. There's a quote from another website which seems to be inactive now, that stated my experience perfectly: "Do not minimize the extent of my having been changed from a vivacious, sensual, happy, loving, athletic, healthy, wealthy, bright, articulate, socially adept human to being melded and molded to accommodate an autistic adult into exactly the opposite of who I am for the sake of a one-sided relationship." I entered the relationship fully alive, well, healthy, trusting, happy, strong, and slowly over the course of the relationship he turned me into his caretaker and I slid into confusion, sadness, isolation, frustration, loneliness and I lost my vibrancy. To be a deeply empathic woman living with a man who did not have the capacity for empathy is actually the definition of hell. I have so much I want to share, for now I just wanted to say, I'm here too. Thank you all for your words and your witness.


Kathryn
8:38 PM
Sat 25th Jul, 2020

I am so happy to have found all of you here on this site. Because of our empathy and ability to love and our strength, we entered into love relationships with people who could not meet our needs but in many cases they did try. I was with a man for almost 5 years who was undiagnosed AS. We broke up in January before the quarantine. He immediately found (or at least said he found) other women to sleep with and,I think in an effort to hurt me, told me about them and then blocked me on his phone. The hurt AS person has learned through many years of painful experiences how to get even or how to cut off people so as not to have to have social and emotional interactions that only confuse them and drain them. If we are asking an aspie to be like us, it’s like asking a fish to fly. I miss my ex deeply for all the do e things he was. When we were together I found value in myself for protecting him socially and protecting our time and keeping all things within the parameters he required. In the end, i think he did his best to be a good partner but I think it is important to know that things won’t change even if you love them. Your life will always be riddled with issues of some kind but only the relationships that accept the hard work can survive and part of the work is the Aspies choice too. Many times they may just find it easier to be alone and to deal with emotional pain they will need to cut you off. It hurts, but let them go with compassion. They would have loved you if they could. They can not navigate relationships like us. We get hurt in the trying. After our break up I suffered deeply and learned to Meditate, work out physically and love myself. I connected with old friends and paid attention to people who needed me in my family and circle of friends as best I could as a wounded heart myself. In time, you will all heal and find love again. Drop your AS card now and then if it helps you feel good to be compassionate but know that most likely they are not coming back to you. Do things to lift yourself up. Thank you for being here on this site and I wish you all love and happiness! You’ve learned so much through this process. It hurt, it was bad, but it could have been worse. Don’t fool yourself that it could have gone any better than it did. Focus on your future now. I am. Love to all of you!!!!


Flávia
7:06 PM
Sat 25th Jul, 2020

I don't speak English very well, but I'd like to write a testimony too because I'm incredulous that this is also my place. I never imagined accessing a website that would find so many stories with evident signs of similarity to my story. I could count on so many different perspectives, remember all the details... but I don't know how much it causes more suffering and pain, mainly because my ex-boyfriend probably doesn't feel half as much as I do. Every day I live this story and I can't find an end. Why do I feel trapped in this story that was, yes, horrible? My ex-boyfriend is a French mathematician and I'm Brazilian (biologist passionate about human life and mind, ironically). The story always begins as the same as all of you: kindness, classic careful man, intense in his intentions, constant efforts to reach me emotionally, many gifts, poetry.. And then, the communication signals collapsing, violence always with personal tones and dialogues that I was completely excluded from. All intentions gradually diminished, until everything that was affective disappeared completely. It was 2 years feeling guilty without even knowing what could be "ASPERGER". I'm nobody to diagnose it, but like all of you ... I believe I know what I lived and never had another hard experience like this. We made a plan where I would come to Europe to live with him, after getting my Italian citizenship and he would do his doctorate in Europe too. In the end, he chose a doctorate in Canada, in a very pragmatic and emotionless way, and left me alone in the middle of the pandemic, without offering any support, he simply gave up everything and abandoned me. And nowadays he doesn't see that there is any fault in that, but "only differences in personalities". He holds me responsible for everything!! I make the psychological profile of "generous and empathetic" and collect relationships with selfish and narcissists. But in that case, he being a possible asperger, how can I judge my whole story? He broke up with me and slept on the phone while I cried, and now he says he wants to be my friend, but: 1) he only responds when he wants to; 2) speaks only of superficial matters; 3) emotional freezing; 4) no longer speak to me on the phone and show no regret; 5) He interferes with personal discussions and makes arrogant comments that he cannot help me. How should I do it now? Should I exclude that person from my life? I don't answer anymore? I like him very much, I appreciate him... but why am I allowing this abusive invasion in my life? It only brings me suffering! How did you break free from this cycle of addiction? I can no longer bear to be abandoned.. I have no more tears because I'm demolished. I'm sorry for all of us. I know that many times we're not heard, families never imagine that behind "stubbornness or a person committed to their work / studies" they can be really toxic, with intense problems. I wish you all the best because my heart is with you on the other side of the world! :(


Traumatized
11:14 PM
Fri 24th Jul, 2020

@Bev & Chrissy I thought I was the only one who experienced that. The guy and I were in the spa and he just stalked younger men half his age (teenagers!). It was really creepy. People actually looked disgusted at us and walked out away. I still don't get why I did put up with so many things he did to me. I guess, I really loved him and a part of me still does.


Bev
6:30 PM
Fri 24th Jul, 2020

Chrissy, I still love and miss him too. The whole thing really messes up with your head. He find teen girls on instagram (like 17) "hot and young". We're in our late 20s. I used to think he was just clueless and inexperienced. I even looked up porn addiction as a possible cause for everything. Maybe I was still in the love bombing phase but he'd tell me he loves me and he'd try to spend time with me all the time. (His idea of spending time together is watch a movie, or just talking, and whenever we do it makes me feel like I'm entertaining a child) Our relationship moved very fast. It makes me feel guilty, like I'm the one who's not trying hard enough, because I know he do love me. He didn't do it on purpose but the invalidation and the mean jibes never ends. When we're talking he'd always talks about himself and things I'm not interested in. I try to be interested in his stories but when I'm talking he would cut me mid sentence and never bother to ask about what I was going to say if I just leave it hanging. He'd try to talk to me when I'm busy and he'd get pissy when I told him I couldn't talk at the moment. Whenever I clean his place he never bothers to look up from his video game or say thank you. During the past year I've seen 2 therapists just to talk about my boyfriend. They don't get it. Being on this website makes me realize that it's probably very hard for someone to understand what it's like unless they've been through it themselves. No one understands me whenever I say I feel more alone when I'm with him than when I'm by myself. And Shannon, it takes a while for me to decide that I deserve more. Wanting both security and joy in a relationship is not asking for too much. It's the bare minimum. After all this, I will never settle for anything less.


Chrissy
12:28 PM
Fri 24th Jul, 2020

Hi Bev, I just read about you and your AS splitting up. I experienced something similar when it came to my AS ex and sex. We were together a couple of months and never had sex, he'd start trying to have sex, but make excuses such as he was too nervous or felt like a virgin (he's 49 and previously been married). He was always liking pictures of women online, and I found he was following young Camgirls on Instagram, they looked very young (teens). It's left me feeling unsexy and ugly, even though I'm an attractive 36 year old that looks young for my age. The silly thing is, I still love and miss him.


Mark
11:57 PM
Thu 23rd Jul, 2020

I just recently discovered this site and in the beginning I couldn't believe that people in relationships with aspies seem to be experiencing very similar problems. It is amazing feeling not be alone. I wanted to share my story, as it seems there is not many testimonials about female aspies here from male perspective. I wanted to paint a full picture, because problem itself is complex, so it might be a long read, just a first part, so not to bore anyone to death. Here it goes. My past girlfriend, my first mature relationship from manyyears ago, might have an AS, now when I think about it. Our relationship lastedfor about 4 years, we were in our twenties when it started. Now I am 34, and after years of no contact – I had reconnected with her (it is an ongoing thing but I predict it is going to be brief). One day after our break up, she just banned me on facebook and disappeared completely without a SINGLE WORD OF explanation. Before it happened we were on fairly good terms. I knew how herlife was going, her family situation was difficult, so I wanted to support her, I also knew she was meeting someone, things were OK between us. I was totally surprised, why it happened, but accepted it. "Just move on with your life", you might say, I did, but this was an important relationship for me and left me with many questions unanswered, what actually happened between us and why things went downhill. It was like an unsolved case for me, I could see all our actions,mistakes, faults, lack of experience and so on, and so on, but I couldn’t connect dots. This relationship molded me in a way. Fast forward to present times, we reconnect, we have met and had a long walk during which she quite casually she mentioned, that she was on couple-therapy with her previous partner and therapist suggested that she might have Asperger Syndrome, but as that wasn’t purpose of therapy (in her opinion), she didn’t explore it, she just mentioned it as a potential explanation of why she is the way she is, but it seems for me that she doesn’t really know what it means or she doesn’t really care. So this hint from the therapist, didn’t seem to have any value for her. Her relationship ended and so did therapy. But for me it was like an enlightment. Everything clicked, I connected all the dots. When we were together I was studying psychology and also literature and I consider myself a very empathetic person, on AS quiz I have extra high results as neurotypical and very, very low asperger results. Most of my life, I work with people in a variety of situations,professional and private and only this relationship felt to me, like a constant battlefield. What I initially loved about my girlfriend later become sources of never ending fights. I met her during my studies. For me she was very attractive, self-confident, honest and had a huge brain, she could talk about certain studies related subjects to no end. Her knowledge was very impressive. But right from the start I also had a feeling, that she doesn’t see other people around her. She is always playing her game, approaches world and people with her own set of rules and they might just join her game, her world, but not the other way around, it wasn’t „let’s meet in the middle” it was „my way or the high way”. More I knew her, all this traits were getting more extreme. She could be painfully blunt when she didn’t like something. Her opinions were black and white, there wasn’t any space for doubt, she wouldn’t consider she might be wrong or that there are other valid points of views, other perspectives, other factors unknown to her. (more co come)


Shannon
10:02 AM
Thu 23rd Jul, 2020

Dear Gaslit: Hallelujia sister! I'm with you all the way. Glad you're putting your happiness first. He sounds awful. And Bev: When you write "On paper he's the kind of man that people would get jealous over and I was ready to just put up with it all because he provides me with security and a comfortable life," you could be talking about my life. Glad you're putting your happiness first. Everyone deserves security AND joy in a relationship.


Bev
10:29 PM
Wed 22nd Jul, 2020

I'm sorry for writing again but I've decided to end my relationship with my AS boyfriend after dragging it out for way too long. I've never felt such relief. This website and everyone's testimonials helps a lot so thank you so much. I don't feel so alone anymore and I'm feeling reassured that I'm making the right decision. I'm so relieved I found out about AS and this site before the relationship gets too complicated. On paper he's the kind of man that people would get jealous over and I was ready to just put up with it all because he provides me with security and a comfortable life. Whenever we have sex he would have to schedule it first, and then we would shower and brush our teeth and gargle with mouthwash beforehand. No foreplay, no nothing. It feels like work. He would never touch me or kiss me during other times. He has let is slip a few times that he doesn't find me that attractive. Sometimes he decides not to finish with me and just leave me there while he go to the bathroom to finish by himself while watching porn. No one has ever done something like that to me before and I just didn't know what to do at the time. I know I'm not ugly or disgusting so there's a lot of anger as well, because I know I don't deserve to be treated this way. I contemplated to cheat many times. I almost hooked up with this really handsome athlete. It gave me a sense of achievement, that I'm still wanted by someone, but also a lot of guilt and sadness. Anyways that's all over now and right now it's just relief and a lot of resentment.


Gaslit
4:16 AM
Wed 22nd Jul, 2020

I'm at the end of a relationship with an autistic man in his early thirties, and I will never subject myself to one of them again. If you're early in dating an autistic person and trying to find a way to make it work - run while you still can. The "little quirks" will only get worse over time as they let their masks slip, and by then, your lives with be more entangled and it's harder to leave. My boyfriend is a radically different person in public compared to how he acts in private. In public, he springs to life like a robot with fresh batteries, pretending to be a handsome, funny, charming, outgoing person, and then just deactivates as soon as he doesn't have anyone to impress. He is incredibly skilled at "masking," and seeks the approval of others by pretending to be interested in the same things or sharing the same opinions. When it's just us, he speaks in a monotone, has a blank stare on his face, and doesn't care about anything other than his obsession with playing video games. He has no empathy and says rude, judgmental, and hurtful things, so I can't go to him with my problems because he'll probably say something to make me feel worse. If something bad or frustrating happens to me, he always tries to find some angle where the problem is my fault or how surely I'm misinterpreting the situation. He can never just listen to me express a problem I'm experiencing and say, "That sucks, I'm sorry that happened." Before we moved in together, he lied to me about his hobbies and goals, making sure they matched mine. Now, when I try to drag him to do anything that interests me, he complains the whole time that he'd rather be at home playing video games. He originally claimed to have STEM career plans similar to mine, but has since decided he wants to go back to an easier job he did before grad school because it was less work and left him more time for gaming and sleeping. He's a filthy and disorganized person and sees no reason to be clean. It's been like adopting a special needs child. I have to argue with him constantly to do his half of our home chores, and he fights me about how he doesn't see this-or-that as needing cleaning, and then if he does clean, he does something partially and then gives up and accuses me of having obsessive compulsive disorder. I am not mentally ill because I want the bathroom cleaned once a week, or for the trash to be taken out when it's overflowing onto the floor. My autistic boyfriend has seen three therapists, originally at my urging for his video game addiction, and all of them have decided that the only problem in his life is that I am unsupportive and a bad person for refusing to embrace his autism as a neutral or even positive thing. "Autism acceptance" is nothing more than gaslighting dressed up in "woke" language, a subculture devoted to telling the wives and girlfriends of autistic men that we are cruel and crazy for thinking they need to learn how treat other with respect and kindness or to not trick us into relationships with them by lying about themselves. There's no movement for schizophrenia acceptance or biploar acceptance or narcissistic personality disorder acceptance. I believe that the only reason we ("we" usually being women) are told that we have to "accept" autism and the resulting immature and antisocial behavior is because most people diagnosed with autism are middle and upper class white men - a privileged demographic that already has an overstated sense of entitlement. I have spent every day of my life as a woman consciously and subconsciously altering my behavior to make myself more palatable, deferential, and friendly towards others, and I'm done with being told that I'm a monster for expecting autistic men to put in even a fraction of that effort to interact more smoothly with others.


Jean
10:50 PM
Tue 21st Jul, 2020

I was in a relationship with a Tall, Physically Fit, Intelligent guy, who I did not realize until a long ago ex-girlfriend told me had been diagnosed with Aspergers over 25years ago, but never got treatment. He was 51 and I was 31, and it did not phase me in the beginning on why such a smart, good-looking guy had been in so many relationships in the past, but they always lasted only about 1-year at most. Things were so wonderful at first that I completely missed the obvious signs of AS, like how he wore the same type of plain T-shirts everyday, and wore them inside out because he dislike seems, and that he would cut tags out from everything; even my clothes, which I asked him to leave alone, because I needed the tags for size referencing. He also always used the words "I think differently", "I feel differently than most", and "I have military-like radar awareness". He only watched one theme of movies and shows, which was Science Fiction. He also lacked any realy close friends, whom he would hang out with. I feel in love with how much he genuinely cared about the safety and well-being of others in the community, particularly those who like bicycling, but never thought twice about the fact that he had been to court several times for getting in fights with people, because he'd go over to the a guy who didn't make a complete stop at the stop-sign or something and he'd talk down to the stranger like a little kid, not realizing that he was coming off as a big strong man yelling at someone he never met in a derogatory way, that would intimidate most and cause them to become defensive; no I just brushed it off at first and told myself that he's an intense rule-follower, who only had good intentions. The first 2months of our relationship were the best, and we made love nearly every time we met. Then, it seemed like almost over night, the mask came off. All sex stopped, and whenever I tried to initiate I got hit with humiliating rejection, so I eventually stopped trying. Yet, he talked about sex constantly and told me that I was like a weird old lady, because I must be the only person in America who has never intentionally watched porn online. His thinking turned more black and white; all rich people basically are bad, and anything to do with religion was bad, so he refused to hang out on holidays, since they are often religiously based, even though I'm not much of a religious person myself. I would bring him out on his B-Day and he didn't even think of doing one thing in recognition of my B-Day, because he would just say it was stupid and that you're not different today, than you were yesterday. We also lived 35 miles apart, and he never came to my place even once. He had no ability to plan for the future, and seemed to prefer living dirt poor off a rental property he shared with family, than ever even dream of having a real job. So here I was driving 70miles round trip, to be with him usually 3 nights a week, and if something came up, where I was super busy with work or needed to run errands that kept me at home, I'd always tell him he was welcome to come to my place, and he never did; instead he'd have severe separation anxiety about how I was coming over as much that week to be with him. My friends feelings about this guy turned early on when I needed to fly to a family wedding, and asked him to take me to the airport, so I wouldn't have to pay for parking or Uber. Again, he had no job, and told me on both flying occasions, "I'm sorry, but there is just so many others things that I should be doing that day". That was the weird thing about him to is, a stranger would ask for help fixing their bike, because they knew he was once a bike mechanic, and hoarded bicycle parts, and he would fix it for them at a low price, right away. Any yet, when my road bike broke, he let it sit in his kitchen for nearly 4months. We were together for 1-day short of 13 months, and the final 7months were awful. Not once, during the last 12months did I ever receive a nice compliment, just constant criticism, which he claimed to be either funny or constructive. He fought about us not having sex on several occasions, and always had a different excuse, and promised when we made up that things would get better; they never did. I began feeling more depressed than I would ever recall during our last few months together. He would constantly tell me that I needed to seek therapy for my lack of ability to emotionally connect to people, for my terrible communication skills that are obviously affecting my life, and for my extremely low self-esteem; all of which was pure gas-lighting and really his issues. I never believed the inability to communicate or emotionally connect, because I'm the supervisor of customer experience at a hospital, and have worked as a Physician Liaison, both of which take someone with strong communication skills, and particularly someone with a keen ability to emotionally connect to a wide range of people. So many times I would come over and he would give me the silent treatment until, I was literally getting into my car hours later, and he'd stop me there to let me know it's because I didn't answer his text message earlier or something; most of the time he then came to realize that I did answer him, but then would never apologize for his behavior. He also became very snappy, he would ask me a wide range question, when he was really looking for a very specific answer and instead of rephrasing he question he would repeat it the same way over and over again, yelling, until I was in tears and leaving; he never apologized for that either. Towards the end I was beginning to feel more like my now-ex's Mom, instead of a girlfriend. Then COVID-19 hit, and the stay at home orders were put into place, and that was the last straw. He was so overly paranoid that they world was going to end, and that he would die from this virus if he went outside. He told me that we needed to be apart for at least 30days, and so I went road biking the first weekend of the shut-downs, by myself, and received a bashing of criticism from him about how I selfishly spread the virus across county lines by bicycling, even though I didn't encounter anyone or stop at a convenience store. Then a week later, when he was running out of food, he asked when I was coming over to see him, and denied ever saying that we should stay apart during the stay-at-home orders; even though I clearly had his orders in writing. I told him I could come, and he gave me a huge list of groceries to pick up for him. Feeling used, I still got those groceries, came to his place, where he proceeded to pay no attention to me or even thank me, and spent 15hours straight, over-night, scanning online between multiple grocery stores until he finally got a grocery delivery slot that opened up, and was within the next 2 weeks. I could no longer tolerate the paranoia, and this treatment and broke up with him then. It has been such a relief, but there has been issues surrounding the fact that he doesn't get what a break-up actually means, and that's why none of his many exs have any contact with him. Asperger's can seem like a very selfish disorder, that overlaps greatly with traits of Narcissism at times; the only difference is that I feel they care, but have no idea on how to show it. It is exhausting though, and if you are in a relationship with someone you suspect is an Aspie, take my advice and end it. Don't beat yourself up, if you miss obvious clues initially that your love, or ex has Aspergers; I've now met/known several highly intelligent professionals, often doctors, who've missed all the signs in the beginning as well, lust and empathy just clouded their initial judgement.


Bev
7:32 PM
Tue 21st Jul, 2020

My boyfriend is an aspie and doesn't know it. He was everything I thought I wanted in a man. He's good looking, well educated, smart, and successful, but I knew something was different with him. He would say and do inappropriate things at inappropriate times. I thought he was just awkward and nervous. He can't understand how his words and actions could hurt others. When confronted, he takes it as an attack on his character and would shift the blame on me for hurting his feelings. He would say I don't understand what he's trying to tell me and that my feelings are wrong and he would never want to listen to my arguments because I'm just being hormonal/hysterical. When I tell stories about him to friends they always end up in disbelief, because it doesn't make sense for them for someone to behave in this way, and for me to put up with it. I contemplated many times to just break up, but I genuinely love and care about him and we've been together for a long time so I just try to understand him better and forgive him, which I realize now is at the expense of my own happiness. I would doubt myself and look up his behavior online to try to understand if it's normal and if I'm just being difficult when I finally found out about Asperger's. Everything fits and I finally have an answer. He never got diagnosed professionally but I asked him to fill in some checklists online and everything comes out positive. I read every articles and testimonials on this website and everything is exactly what I'm going through right now. I've tried to break up a few times but he always becomes very upset and I couldn't bear seeing him in pain. It's hard but I think it's finally time for me to be selfish and prioritize my own happiness. I'm not going to spend my life caring for someone who makes me miserable everyday and doesn't even realize it.


anon
6:53 AM
Tue 21st Jul, 2020

I've been with my AS partners for several years now, and have tried to break up a couple times. Unfortunately our lives are just tied together and he has used my personal situation to entrap me and make sure leaving him would be as hard as possible. He still shows "love" and "affection". But only when he is not focused on a specific interest, otherwise I could die right in front of him and he wouldnt notice. The most frustrating thing is the inability to communicate. No matter how I phrase things, he always manages to change the narrative in his mind and seem to think he should never be called out on his behavior. I cannot point out ANYTHING wrong about him without him completely shutting down or getting extremely frustrated and defensive. I cannot have a debate without been shut down (sometimes publicly) My opinion is always invalid, because I am just too "short tempered" and confrontational, ie I dont have enough patience for his "odd" behavior. Having a conversation is simply useless and end up in me just been more frustrated and with a pit in my stomach, unable to express the things that frustrates me so much, and have been eating at me for years.It just keeps adding up an making me more frustrated everyday. I am at a point where I can predict every reaction he is going to have and the arguments he is going to use, word for word, to get away with everything he does, no matter how rude or innaproriate. Every time I see it coming and try to change the outcome of the conversation but we end up in the same place. Not only is he unable to change, but he is strongly against the very idea, and his ego seems to be the most important thing for him. I have never seen anyone so proud of themselves even when they do terrible things. This is hell. If you are hesitant about your relationship with an aspie...Run. Do not listen to people critisizing you for "just not understanding a different way of thinking". This is not "hatred" or descrimination, as some would like to believe.This is something we, as partners, experience everyday, and only people who have been through this can fully understand the extend of it.


Christine
12:16 AM
Tue 21st Jul, 2020

After more than a year after our break-up, I found my former Aspie partner working outside at his home (he doesn't live there). I wanted some of my tools back that I had allowed him to use to remodel his kitchen. He was dressed slovenly. He no longer colors his white hair brown. He has accumulated more junk that is stored outside the garage. He tried to hide his pack of cigarettes because "he doesn't smoke." He's done nothing to prepare the house so he can live in it. During the courting, he misrepresented himself. I am still sad that he is not the person he pretended to be. For brief moments, I've thought about trying to connect. However, my mind wins out. As so many have written, no amount of love, patience, kindness, forgiveness, self-sacrifice, generosity, understanding, etc., makes a difference. He simply can't relate. That's it!


Ana
9:25 AM
Mon 20th Jul, 2020

I sit here with tears streaming down my face as I type this. I met my now ex, in February of 2018. Too good to be true! If I could have designed the perfect man, it would be him. Handsome, intelligent, tall, athletic, same sense of humor; great taste in music; we worked in the same professional field. Our relationship almost felt like a dream in the beginning. The best dates and talks and sex. Beautiful vacations around the world together; beautiful memories. I will never forget a birthday celebration that he planned for me; it was out of a movie. I was so happy and often asked myself, “Is this really real?” About 7 months later, I started to notice a shift. Seemed as though I was the one to mostly suggest spending time together. I wasn’t able to spontaneously come over; plans had to be made in advance. Sometimes after dates he would drop me home and I would be confused. I always preferred to spend the night with him. Long story short, after several months of feeling him pull away and completely, emotionally cut me out, we broke up in February of 2019; a day before what would’ve been our one year anniversary. It was THE most difficult break up for me ever. I have been through divorce and other breakups but this one was so hard. I was 35 at the time and also thought this was it for me. This was the person that I would spend the rest of my journey with; have children with etc. He was 43 at the time. Hate to generalize, but I should’ve known that this Beautiful man that was OVER 40 and actively seeking to find someone and start a family, but had never been married, engaged, had children etc, was struggling with some things personally. I had a very rough time after our split. Wet sick parent, murder of a sibling. Horrific. We ended up reconnecting almost a year after our split. Kept in contact here and there throughout our time apart. I was dealing with ALOT at the time and still am. Grieving. He and back and said that he took his time reconnecting with me because he knew that if we ever got back together that this would be it. That made me so happy! Thought he had chosen me. (Sounds so naive and desperate when I say that out loud now). My spirit was so happy that we reconnected. We dived right back in. Talks on the phone 4/5 times a week. Beautiful date nights, laughter and music and movie nights in. He helped me heal and deal with what I was going through. Then Covid hit and we sheltered in together. Though it was a scary time, I felt safe going through this with him. He was attentive and protective. Making sure we had groceries and things that we needed to be safe and entertained at home. I noticed anxiety at times with him and would catch him blanking out but honestly, we all have shit that we deal with and even mental health struggles to some degree. But the time quarantined in, allowed the mask to dissolve. I noticed that everything was neatly arranged and that if placed something in a place that it did t belong in, it would be moved to its proper place. There was a very particular nightly routine. Dinner was had in front of t.v; no ifs and or buts about it. Place was thoroughly cleaned on the same day of each week and I wasn’t really able to help. Just had to get out of the way. Quiet days of no talking. Intimacy began to dwindle. When things calmed down, I came home for a few days to give us break and to allow us to miss one another. When I would go home there would be no mention of “hey when are you coming back over?” I always had to initiate reconnecting. A week would go by and I’d be like,”Hey, do you wanna hang soon?” At times it seemed as though he was saying yes because it was the proper thing to do. And then I really messed things up. I shared something with him that to him, should’ve been shared a long time go. He began the ice out. Calls dwindled, text dwindled, care dwindled. I felt the same exact pull away that he did the first time around. One night he cane over to my place, we had dinner. He walked in without a greeting or anything. I can sense his tension and anger but of course none of that was communicated. After the meal he began to have these “stomach pains.” He ended up leaving at 2 in the am saying that he wanted to be comfortable in his own place. But I knew that he just wanted to get outta there. I was so hurt and cried myself to sleep that night. But then something hit me. I had always felt like “something was off” but I wondered if it could be “Aspergers.” I found this site and began to read testimonials and I swear the lightbulb went off. This was EXACTLY what it was. I had an answer but now what would I do. I still very much wanted to make this work. Of course the pull away intensified since then (that was May when I stumbled across this site). Tuned into days passing without hearing from him which was not like us. Also, he would do this thing where he would use an app to bypass calling me and go straight to voicemail. Then he would say, “I called you.” One time he left a voicemail at 8/9 pm but spoke in the voicemail as if it was 11 am that day in order to make it seem as though he had called early that day but my home missed it and the voicemail came in late. I brought up the fact that this only happened with him and that I called my phone company and they described that it wasn’t an error on my end. He said, “I don’t know what it is.” Complete gaslighting. He began to hint that he was having a “very hard time” dealing with the way in which I had delivered the news to him. I hinted him making his way toward a break up. Kept saying how much he loved me and emphasized that “he didn’t want anyone to get hurt.” I think this tiny bit of gentleness came from the fact that he knows that I am still healing from my family member being tragically murdered. Still dealing with all that comes with the aftermath of that. So he tried to be gentle but in the end I had to make him comfortable enough to say what it was he really needed to say which was that, “right now he doesn’t feel the same way he did a few months ago.” This is due to ME and how I shared information with him. This rocked our foundation and so he just doesn’t view us the same now. We had plans to move I on the first of this month. I had verbally given away all of my furniture, made plans to begin moving; was supposed to move in with him and based on the pull away and last meltdown, I asked one night on the phone “we prob shouldn’t be moving in together then hunh?” He agreed so quickly and I could tell that there was relief. He reiterated that this decision was best in order to “preserve” us Nd that it wasn’t about a split. Last night we broke up and I shared some of how he’s made me feel and how wrong he was for reconnecting with me and stating that this was it and suggesting we move in and then pulling away. I have never used the term Aspergers and still make sure that I speak to him with respect and as a person that just processes differently from me. But this is all very painful and I am praying for strength. His father two summers ago, said to me “he has a beautiful heart” but then proceeded to share that he was “a lot.” His dad seemed sooo concerned and kept telling me to hang in there! I didn’t get it then but it all makes sense now. Sigh. Why. Beautiful tragedy. GOD help me.


John
9:17 PM
Sun 19th Jul, 2020

Met a professionally diagnosed (female) aspie around 6 months ago. She told me upfront that aspergers makes her life difficult from time to time. I never met someone with the condition before and she seemed to act 'normal' for the first month or so. Only later found out this 'normal' behaviour is called masking. After a month the mask started to slip and she started to become distant. Some weeks for no reason I couldn't contact her in any way, then suddenly she would re-appear like nothing was wrong. This continued for months. I realized it was due to the 'special interests' she had. If she was working on one of the 'special interests' it was like I didn't exist. Talking about the situation with her proved to be impossible. In general talking about our relationship or feelings was near impossible. There was no way to gain insight into what was going on in her head. For a while I accepted the situation until being constantsly discarded became too unbearable. Ended the relationship two weeks ago. Everyone is different but I'm already convinced that you can't have a healthy relationship between an NT and an aspie.


Fairlie
10:47 PM
Sat 18th Jul, 2020

This a response to Erica who is troubled by her father's 'Aspie' behavior. From what you describe, he's a very loving, supportive parent who would suffer greatly if you weren't in his life! I urge you to really study Aspergers. Exploring positve ways to communicate and with him and have mutually enjoyable activites will strengthen your relationship. With gentle reminders or a diversion to another subject, my husband has reduced things like repetative stories that are common with 'Aspies'. Does your father know about Aspergers and that he has it? I don't believe a formal diagnosis is necessary - this is an easy condition to identify. I encourage my Aspie husband to learn about and experience new things on his own and with me. He shares his experiences, thoughts and feelings with me. Some of his ideas are very 'unique' but I respect that he views some things differently. He does have 'mind blindness' at times (not able to grasp what another person is thinking, feeling or doing). He's become a better listener over the 33 years we've been together. You and your father could find some new activites/experiences that would lead to better ways to communicate. I didn't have a relationship with my 'Aspie' father. I can only remember once when he spoke to me before I was 19 and leaving home to work in another city. He asked where I was going. We have very difficult 'estrangements' in our family now. As the saying goes 'knowledge is power'! I REALLY hope that you'll study more about this condition and learn ways have a closer and permanent relationship with your father!


Erica R.
7:19 PM
Fri 17th Jul, 2020

I recently discovered asperger's could be the reason for all of my unheard frustrations and built up resentment towards what used to be my best friend - my beloved father. The thing that finally did it for me was reading about how aspies can have a tendency to tell a story like it is the first time you're hearing it (even if they've told you multiple times before). I literally thought he was just losing his mind before this. I thought it was all my fault. Everytime I try to confront him about the issues (before I knew what it could be) he would just deflect my observations or deny any understanding towards what I was trying to bring attention to. I made him get brain scans because I thought his memory was deteriorating. I stopped going to bars with him because he talks way too loud and it irritates me more than it's worth going out. I'll spend hours in my bedroom before tackling my day just to put off the effort of communicating with him for a little longer. Everything about him can be frustrating on a day to day basis. The most frustrating thing of all has to be that deep down I know there is still a person in there. Somebody who probably really does love me and has no idea how hard it is to be around them. This is the same man who accompanied me to the bus every single day until I was a senior in high school. We still play video games together every day. He went with and helped me do my first job. He is so much more than a dad ever could have been to me and now that I'm older I just want to get away. Still it worries me that the day I move out will be the last day I have to tolerate him and I won't want to stay in touch. It breaks my heart and I'm tired of it.


Sarah
3:28 PM
Fri 17th Jul, 2020

I have been married to an undiagnosed man for 37 years. I knew he was off but in those days there wasn't a diagnosis. It wasn't until a friend talked about autism to me that I figured this out. He has obsessional hobbies that take up all his thoughts and time when he isn't working. He is constantly asking me to do the hobbies with him or suggesting that we take up his sailing hobby full time when he retires. I have stopped telling him that living on a sailboat is not my dream. He speaks to me like I'm his mother or his grandmother. I feel more like his caretaker or mother than his wife. Occasionally he will talk to me like he is James Bond or some equally corny playboy persona when he wants to be sexy. His many voices, accents, catch phrases and stories about himself are on constant repeat. He dresses like a child with jokey t shirts and ripped jeans. He is constantly buying the same shoes over and over and loves to show me his various hobby related outfits in a childish way. When we disagree he immediately becomes cold and defensive. He accuses me of looking for things to criticize and that I am trying to insist that he is a bad person. No matter what the issue is, it ends up being me supposedly attacking him and trying to say he is a bad person. According to him that is my agenda. He also thinks that if I think he is going to do something insensitive or selfish then that is what causes him to act that way. He honestly argues that my history of being hurt by him is what causes him to be hurtful. He never admits to any blame, nor does he apologize. If he does apologize its the kind of apology that says 'Im sorry that you think I'm a bad person' or 'I'm sorry that you are so wrong about what happened.' And so I realize that trying to reach him, communicate or explain anything is pointless. They never see it from anyone's point of view but their own and they think they are always right and that others need to fit into their ways or else they are being mean and difficult. I would never ever have married him if I'd known what was ahead for me. I am trying to figure out how and when to leave him even though I am in my sixties. I don't want my whole life to be overshadowed by his endless tiresome issues. Don't stay with or marry an autistic man. It's torture. They suck all the life out of everyone.


Robert
8:03 AM
Fri 17th Jul, 2020

It's my first post here but I come to this site from time to time because it gives me a reality check when I'm feeling confused and regretful from my decision to break up with my ASD ex-girlfriend (professionally diagnosed according to her). Things were great between us for many months we had fun together, shared hobbies, experiences and the intimacy was also great. She had problems in life besides her conditions and for a while these others things led me to believe that when she started to ignore me, reducing the amount of contact and intimacy was just temporary. She got very short tempered, simple problems in life for us NT were really big problems for her. Any of my attempts to have a relationship discussion ended up on her shouting and calling me names. One particular occasion where I saw she was acting overly sexual towards a male friend of hers was the last straw for me. When I asked her about it, a huge discussion started and she called me things that made me feel very devalued and destroyed. I couldn't believe the love of my life was saying those things to me. I was strong enough to break up at that very discussion. I never looked back but it still hunts me from time to time. Thank you everyone who posts here. You all help me a lot.


Roisin
4:41 AM
Fri 17th Jul, 2020

It is with tremendous pain that I recall hours and hours hiding in my bedroom (we had separate bedrooms, his choice and need) to avoid my Aspie's raging meltdowns, as well as his sometime physical abuse. He was always very kind to acquaintances and neighbors, and the story of a partner clearing snow off of his co-workers' windshields truly resonated with me, as he would never have done that for me, his live-in partner. I believe that, on some level, these folks who are on the spectrum do perceive a need to be beloved by "others." Perhaps the most difficult thing for me, aside from physical and verbal abuse, was putting me down all the time and gaslighting me. I am doing much, much, better since leaving the relationship nearly four years ago, but still sometimes question my physical appearance - I have often been told that I am a very attractive woman, but he never, ever told me that I was pretty, and never complimented me during six years of togetherness. I was always building him up, supporting his ego, taking great care of his needs, and trying to maintain the "status quo," which was ultimately impossible. Thank goodness for this website, which is so very helpful to so many.


Michael
3:02 PM
Thu 16th Jul, 2020

All these comments seem to be about women married to aspie men. I am married to an aspie women. Yes there are difficulties but mostly love, tenderness & compassion win the day. Is there anyone here who has been in a similar situation?


Jean
9:52 AM
Thu 16th Jul, 2020

I'm so glad this site exists and is anonymous. Has anyone had an affair with AS man? It's a whole extra layer of devaluation. I felt unworthy to feel hurt by his words and actions because of what I was doing (I knew he was married). I am not proud and did a fair amount of time in therapy to work through my shame and issues and do my best to live life ethically with integrity putting good into the world. The initial focus and then limited communication. Then breakup. I thought it was because he wasn't available. Then I thought it was narcissism because who has an affair with no remorse? He said he didn't feel guilty because his wife had an affair first. (Probably after trying to get her needs met by him unsuccessfully. Not that that makes it ok). Then he looked me up after getting divorced and it was the same cycle all over but much shorter. I love/d him so much though. He spent one of our dates talking more to the people next to us about music (an interest) than me. Any time I brought up requests for my needs to be met ie more communication, in a pretty direct but nice and rational way, he said he didn't like "drama" or being gunny sacked with complaints. But in the next breath acknowledgement that my needs weren't unreasonable. He just wasn't willing to meet them. But those were his terms and it was up to me if I was ok with continuing with that!? Oh and if not we could still sleep together. He was away for an extended work trip. I got one random text that he was ok. I had an emergency issue with my child and not a single inquiry or follow up. Just "hope it turns out ok". When he got back it was explained he just needed to focus on doing a good job and couldn't be distracted. Complete emotional abandonment in a time of need. He did the same thing to his ex when she'd gone through cancer. I just didn't put 2 & 2 together. At the time I guess my arrogance had me thinking each relationship brings out different traits and our dynamic would be different, special. He has no close friends, a few buddies he sees for concerts, doesn't talk to his mother because she talks to his brother he's cut out of his life (justifiably on that one at least). But this is the same guy who never asks a thing from anyone, cleans the snow off all the cars in the work parking lot, overtips everytime, sent me love songs, inconvenienced himself for any task based things I ever needed, can be poetic and incredibly thoughtful. It just didn't add up until I read about AS. I don't know if the "why" matters. If needs aren't met they aren't met. Maybe I would've changed my approach when we were free to date and it would've been different but I don't think it would've changed much. I just wanted to believe in our love growing. Whether he was still healing from divorce, damaged from childhood or other relationships, is a narcissist or AS, it doesn't matter. He flipped the switch like Jekyll and Hyde. I went from being "the one" and soulmate to "not what he wants" in such a short time because suddenly he has nothing to give (meaning I expected to be treated decently and connect emotionally past infatuation). 1 day after the last time we'd had sex he declared being 100% over me and not wanting any communication anymore even as someday friends. It's over and I'm heartbroken again over someone I probably shouldn't be when I read all I wrote. I don't hate him. I realize he was actually probably being honest. He just isn't capable. It's quite sad for everyone. Thanks for reading & sharing your own stories.


Liz
6:33 AM
Thu 16th Jul, 2020

Oh no!! Dave please don't go back.


David
6:13 PM
Wed 15th Jul, 2020

I generally don't use this site to provide advice to specific people. But in this case, I'm responding to Dave (I'm David, not Dave). Dave, I agree with the others- be very careful. The similarities between an Aspergers partner and a partner with full fledged narcissism are uncanny. It doesn't matter whether the underlying neurological causes for the behavior might (might) be different- the end result on us is the same. The love bombing, devaluation, discard- all textbook. I'm not telling you what to do- only you can decide that. But I've been the victim of the same behavior with an aspie woman (professionally diagnosed, according to her), and it took me years to get over it.


Nichole
2:14 PM
Wed 15th Jul, 2020

Guys, it’s been a while since I posted and I thought our relationship was over the last time I typed. I ended up giving in and telling him how much I missed him and we started dating again, I know I know what was I thinking! I am utterly in love with this man but this time I am done!! The text communication went from 1 day of silence to a couple more to almost a week! I finally hit my breaking point when I asked him if he wanted to FaceTime me and he told me yes. I waited all day super excited to see him since I haven’t seen him face to face in a while! I text him to ask if he was okay with doing it. ( I always ask before so he doesn’t get upset about surprises!) he said yes, then I told him I’m gonna call and he said “ but I am not in the talking mood right now” guys I ended up exploding! I told him everything he has been doing to me for the last 11months have been mentally and physically exhausting and what he was doing to me was so mean! I told him it was officially over! He said “ if that’s what you want so be it, I’m tired of getting bitched out for no reason” :,( this broke my heart!!!! No reason? So what he has been doing, the silence the not telling me anything about how he is doing or even asking if I’m even alive and it is “ no reason”!?!? He went radio silent on me after this. Weird thing is he hasn’t blocked or removed me from any social media platform or blocked my messages. Nothing recent posted anything. Just disappeared...I’m completely shattered I feel like I should of done something different. He was my best friend, we have known each other for 3 years prior to the relationship! I feel like I was not good enough and of course he just up and left making me feel like the relationship was for nothing and I didn’t matter. Anyone who gets involved with someone with aspergers please inform yourself, educate, truly understand what you are getting into it is not for the faint of heart. I hope I get through this hurt.


PhD
10:05 AM
Wed 15th Jul, 2020

Dave, Please DO NOT go into this relationship! He love bombs you "more then ever"? Discard will be proportional to the love bombing, faster and way more brutal. You won't see it coming. And please do not make mistake thinking that this time around you are going in " with your eyes open". You are dealing with a pro, you will not be able to keep your eyes open for long. This time the discard will be nuclear and way more painful. Like, WAY MORE.. Good luck and remember what he did to you. Remember how you felt.


Roisin
7:41 AM
Wed 15th Jul, 2020

Dave, Please go back into this relationship with eyes wide open. As we are all aware, the NT/AS partnership is never for the faint of heart, and could leave your soul with irreparable bruises. Roisin


Dave
10:08 PM
Tue 14th Jul, 2020

Well guess what the cat dragged in... My Aspie! After basically ghosting me 4 months ago he's back. Now love bombing me more than ever. He's saying I'm the only one for him and that we had such a bond. Kind of making me sick especially after he said 4 months ago that he liked being single and that he needed his space. Oh well I can hear the clinks of the roller coaster going up hill again. I know it will be another wild ride!


Rose
10:22 PM
Mon 13th Jul, 2020

I have been married to what I believe now to be an undiagnosed Asperger man for 17 year's. My husband is physically very beautiful, well thought of by everyone we know, hard worker, responsible, takes care of thing's, and diligent. I have heard many time's over the course of our marriage how lucky I am to have such a wonderful husband and that I should appreciate him. I have appreciated all those good traits, above all one must recognise the good and effort of someone. But underneath in the dark of everyday life when no one but my two daughter's and I see him, he becomes a hard and tyrannical slave driver of sorts, alternately love bombing us and when we are vulnerable emotionally, insulting our inteligence and mine specifically, while demanding a level of perfection in routine and way of taking care of the house, cooking, mealtimes, and everyday life at large, that is not really possible in this crazy and random world we live in. A week after I married him I knew something was off when I in all my newlywed enthusiasm excitedly proposed a picnic as our first outing to relax and reconnect after a busy week of work. He did it but with the worst attitude as if I was obligatimg him to do something that was completely unnatural *he wanted to go to church, something we religiously did. Had I known then what I know now, I would have run, I would have been brave and ended it before it had all ever really begun. Though I must say I don't regret my two girl's, they light up my life. Thus began one hell of a life. I was raised to be an extremely capable woman, a can do person, I have the ability to see thing's through to the inth degree and then some. My family is extremely empathetic and we have worked in philanthropy for as long as I can remember. Little did I know this was the perfect "host" for an ASD. Yes, I do believe that empathetic people are groomed and conditioned as hosts for these people's parasitic like needs. Sounds harsh perhaps but the NT will feel the life sucked out of them slowly, reduced to a mere shell of themselves. You will barely be able to recognize yourself in the end, it is as if all the love and care has been extracted and sacrificed to an insatiable, pitiless god who believes without a shadow of a doubt that you owe him that and more. This man was my first kiss, my first everything in intimacy and I know now that I have never known a true reciprocal love. 2 year's ago at the end of my rope and a mess physically, after almost throwing myself into the oncoming traffic of a three lane boulevard, all the while being berated by this man for some other failing, I knew I had to get ahold of myself or I was going to end up dead. My motivation, mever leave my sweet daughter's alone to the mercy of this man, and I will outlive him if it's the last thimg I do. It has been an odyssey of self discovery, I am an artist, a writer, and a musician, all thing's I had set aside over the year's trying desperately to please a man who would never be pleased. I mean for goodness sake I have even been instructed that I need to bathe everyday, something I have always done. Asperger's only notice when somethimg isn't done to their specifications, you can do somethimg right a million time's over but they will only acknowledge the one time you're wrong. They have an uncanny ability to tell when you're down emotionally and then come in to pull you down further by helpfully noticing your shortcomings. They provoke you in the most insulting way so that they can reinforce your lesser capability to them. The irony is that they can barely handle the world they live in but they'll snow you into thinking it is you that have the problem. They are patronizing in a way that grates upon the senses and leaves you senseless. My husband always wants intimacy, from the very beginning he wanted it scheduled and often, I was informed of this and told that I had an obligation as a wife to fulfill this. I'm a healthy female, and even though I thought it odd he needed to specify this over and over, after year's of killing myself to meet his need, and on the scheduled day's he'd begun to treat me horribly all day then expect me to perform at night, I finally said enough. I repeat there is an insatiable black hole that all your care and love is being poured into and they never fill, you're never good enough, I could go on and on. STOP NOW!!! Do not continue to allow these people to drain your precious soul's, you are worthy of reciprocation, of regard, of selfless care. Set your boundaries, if you are still with them, and if you are considering getting into a relationship with one turn and RUN AWAY as fast as you possibly can!! These are not people that should be encouraged, it is a harm to them to expect them to act "normal", they cannot do it genuinely. Allow them to live as they wish, on the flipside it is a great injustice to sacrifice empathetic people to their needs. We have so few real empaths in the world and sacrificing them to these people to be used up is a true crime against humanity. I feel bad for ASD people truly, but you know, they don't feel bad for themselves, they think they're perfectly fine as they are and you are the defective one...but they "need" what you have. Remember that.


Morena
1:54 AM
Mon 13th Jul, 2020

Thank you all for your comments....you've made me feel like I'm not alone nor crazy! It's been an emotional rollercoaster of a journey for me and I've never fully understood what was happening....I think I'm quite lucky as I managed to get out of the relationship after 6 months....something was definitely not right and you should never ignore your gut instincts. I met him through a work event and he came across chatty, funny and charming...He was very attentive at the beginning, making sure everything was perfect and that I was OK, buying me gifts, dinners etc......I should have known it was too good to be true and it definately was! After a short time together things started to change, he was short tempered, was easily upset for no reason, couldn't put up with a lot of 'normal' things - over sensitive hearing/not being able to sit still to watch a movie, suffered from OCD and needed his routines. The change was crazy and couldn't believe this was the person I first met.....He apparently has never been formally diagnosed with Aspergers... but reading these testimonials it has finally made sense that he has it. There was never any deep connection, never asked me questions and text me the same thing every morning which I thought odd.....sometimes he went AWOL for days even though we were meant to meeting up. He always managed to upset me and could never understand anything I was saying.....all he ever said was I don't know what you mean - He never knew what I meant.....crazy!!! He was so different when he was with friends (like when I first met him) then when we were together he went back to his horrendous ways. I don't think he even wants a relationship but believes he does it as thinks he should as that's what people do..... He also has narsasstic traits....everything is about him!! These people will never change, they just take, take and take and give nothing back - it feels like a one sided relationship which is emotionally draining. I felt he was destroying me piece by piece.....until you no longer feel human. Please do not delude yourselves...relationships with these people will only end in heartache and destroy the person you are! Take care of yourselves and try and get out if you can.


Fairlie
1:48 AM
Sun 12th Jul, 2020

Reading posts here is heartbreaking! Overall, my husband and I are doing better but things can become difficult very quickly. A friend of his (also with Aspergers) is working from home and struggling in various ways. He was here yesterday and I asked him a couple short questions. My husband became VERY angry and demanded that I stop talking to him - becoming even MORE angry when his friend and I continued for about 2 more minutes. I spoke with him about this today (it's my Birthday - was hoping for a better one). He won't consider or change his stance on things. He said he didn't want his friend in our apartment (he had come un-invited) in case he caught the virus (no sign his friend has the virus) and didn't want me to hold things up so his friend would leave ASAP. My husband is physically healthy but is still paranoid about Covid - I'm not! He ordered me not to speak with his friend when he's here again!! I told him that I had a right to (and would) speak with him! Anyway I'm doing OK considering. The biggest issue for me now is that I don't have my usual 'escape' routes because of the Covid restrictions! Going out - even to shop is a pain with masks and distancing. Planning and having a 2-3 month trip in the winter was a great 'escape' and gave me something to look forward to! All that has changed - I don't want to be 'restricted' from regular activities on a vacation!! We have almost 6 months of cold, miserbable weather here in Canada and the thought of being in our apartment with him all winter is really depressing!! Socially and with shopping, there are even more restrictions lately so I'm not optimistic for things to improve in the near future! My husband has not been physically abusive but certainly has been,and sometimes still is, very emotionally abusive. I agree with suggestions that people should avoid or leave abusive/toxic partners whenever possible. It's unfortunate that there aren't more resources to help 'sufferers'! My 'fantasy' resources/respits would be very affordable - (even free for some people) facilities in beautiful, interesting places that offer recreation, relaxation, holistic health, social, supportive and educational activities for people (including children) in relationships with Aspies. If anyone needs this, we do!! I'm not religious so don't pray but I hope that 'sufferers' can find positive, healthy resources, more creative ways to cope and have better lives!


Meg
4:15 PM
Sat 11th Jul, 2020

This is a reply for Jenn, whose message today 11 July made me very sad. Jenn I will be praying for you. Go on Carol Grigg Counselling website and read her blog and you will find someone who understands. She is a Christian whose marriage of 20 years sadly ended because of her husband's Aspergers. Carol lives in Australia and trained as a counselor after the marriage ended.Read ALL her posts...you will probably relate, as I did also, to her saying she felt that in her marriage "nothing was ever resolved". It's awful walking on eggshells.Some people on the web hold out hope for improvement with a dietary approach. Look into that maybe but certainly look after your own health. The herb Rhodiola helps with stress...google it. There are helpful Christian websites helping women in abusive relationships...that will NOT place the blame on you nor expect you to tolerate abuse...eg Unholy Charade by Jeff Crippen.Sam Powell is also good...his blog is My Only Comfort. Take care.


Jenn
3:24 PM
Sat 11th Jul, 2020

Hello, I'm new here . I am married to an undiagnosed man with Aspwegers . I did not know this until after we remarried after 5 tears of divorce . He was physically and verbally abusive before the divorce and and the remarriage, I wish I could say he wasn't still abusive, but he is . I'm finding this site at 12 midnight , after a complete day in my bedroom , with the door locked due to a extremely verbally abusive meltdown from my husband. He screamed at me for a few hours straight going in and out of the bedroom. I've been remarried now for almost 17 years, not beginning to even understand what o now know is asd or asperger's. I'm so low and so in despair , I dont know if anyone else has felt like they wished they were dead. I've asked The Lord to take me out of this marriage. I've many health issues on top of dealing with him . He claims the reason he bullys me , but also says it's my fault , everytime , that he was bullied by his brother growing up . He was sadistic, and cruel , a very messed up individual . I, like another person whose story I read with tears running down my face , could write volumes about this cruel disease. My husband never apologizes and walks around so arrogantly, but claims hes a Christian. He charms people and they think hes very witty and clever . I have never told my father , who lives out of state , as he'd not understand, and being 89 has enough of his own health problems. My 2 kids 37 and 29 , have seen this go on for years . My daughters husband has Aspergers to and she could write volumes as well . Her husband is not unkind for the most part ,although hes treated me very rudely over the years. I have more to say but wanted to make sure this went through. I'm at my darkest and lowest point ever , almost 30 years of knowing my husband has taken every ounce of joy from me. I'm possibly an empath , as I love deeply and care about others plights. Today I've been ill and my husband said at least your not dying, and called my crying, " mental " . The hurt goes so so deeply , I've spent the whole day alone crying and praying. He told my son it's my fault and makes himself out to be the perfect soul with no flaws . My dog is elderly also, he doesn't seem all to concerned that Asa is having a much harder time . He still expects the dog to jump up whenever he expects him to . He us hands down the coldest person I've ever known . And I'm not going to say I'm perfect as I'm far far from it. But even when I dint defend myself he comes in to continue to berate me . He can pur on such a show with others and i can see if he thinks he said something funny , they laugh with embarrassment.leaving this here as I hope it goes through. I also have no friends here in my town . I know he loves that ,and my brother passed away 14 years ago. He was in an abusive marriage with someone with OCD. He had a heart attack . My daughter recently had a baby so I'm now a grandma at 58. I wish I had a normal husband. It creates so much tension and my daughter would allow me to come over but they have no guest room anymore. Thank you all for letting me share. My heart goes out to each and everyone here . God bless you all for sharing what us so hard to share . Its hard to be vulnerable when you live with this for tears .


R.T.
3:59 AM
Sat 11th Jul, 2020

I knew something was off with my ex from the beginning, but honestly I thought for the first year or so I knew him, he was a shy, quiet, "awkward" man. It wasn't until we went out of town for a night with my Mom, that she actually pointed out that he had "autism". Apparently when I was in the bathroom, she saw him doing a behavior (stimming), when he didn't know she was looking, because it was dark in the hotel room. I knew nothing about autism at that point, but she recognized it because she had worked with individuals with disabilities for years. I started researching autism online and once I stumbled upon information on Asperger's, it was a true "holy crap" moment for me. It explained EVERYTHING. All the awkwardness I experienced with him, his social or lack of social skills, lack of true friend connections except one friend from childhood, limited interests (cars, motorcycles, video games), robotic and uncomfortable intimacy, still lives home with his parents at now 36 years old, lack of communication skills, lack of problem solving skills. The list can go on and on. I truly related with the "death from a thousand cuts" statement, because I was re-traumatized over and over emotionally, true lack of empathy, appreciation, understanding, detachment, reciprocity, loneliness, deprivation. I experienced all those things, for three and a half years, off and on of course, because he can't handle any form of confrontation (problem solving and honest conversation and/or any type of feedback), therefore he would just disappear over and over, anytime he had to deal with any real type of adult situation. He has been diagnosed with anxiety and ADHD, was bullied in highschool, was in a special learning program, not special education but for slower learners, admits he may have a "disability", but the moment I mentioned the possibility of Asperger's, he said "I don't have that. Isn't that a social thing?" But in the same breath, will talk about how he's awkward and has "problems". And don't get me started on his family. They are in denial and have witheld information from him. He clearly was diagnosed with "something" in highschool. Maybe not Asperger's but they know something is "off", and watch him struggle, hence him still living at home at 36. His Mother insulted me on several occasions, although she only had a 2 minute encounter with me in a hair salon and has never had a conversation with me. I believe it was because I was honest with him about the disorder, in an attempt to help him learn what may be "wrong" with him, so he could try to learn about it and develop coping skills. He has never had a relationship beyond a few months, other that myself because he struggles with most things that are required to be successful. For those of you neuro-typicals considering and/or are involved with an Aspie, be forewarned, although they come across as "gentle and kind" at first, they will show their true colors and you will be the main object of their wrath. Because there is not TRUE, DEEP human connection. It is acted out, mimicked, superficial connection. If you can even call it that. And when they've had enough, they will discard you at the drop of a dime and move on as if you never existed. Because to them...you truly don't. I have never loved someone as much as I did my ex, for whatever reason I was drawn to him, and I've also never experienced such senseless pain. Good luck to all, you'll need it


Veronica
4:23 PM
Fri 10th Jul, 2020

I've read so many stories here with interest & compassion. In a nutshell, I escaped from a 12 year marriage (with 2 children) to as Asperger's man (I wasn't aware at the time that this was the root of our difficulties). The constant cognitive discord puzzled me (I see myself as an intelligent,empathic woman) and I constantly wondered whether it was 'just me', and if I was expecting too much of a relationship - surely an emotional connection is too much to ask, when you have a nice house & good holidays etc. From outside appearances all looks marvellous, only you know the truth of living with someone who is invalidating. Starting over in midlife is a minefield, as I found that a few partners also had autistic traits, albeit quite different from one another (the main & crucial overlap being a fundamental misunderstanding - or lack of effort to connect on an important level). Each of these men had been left by their wives despite having families, because they made the excruciatingly difficult decision that their mental health was of paramount importance, not just to them, but also to their children's lives. My advice to anyone in a detrimental relationship with someone on the autistic spectrum is to assess the pros & cons of staying, but crucially, bear in mind that it is your mental (& subsequently physical) health that will suffer ultimately. I came out the other end and would not hesitate to 'save' myself first & foremost.


Bates Motel
2:15 PM
Fri 10th Jul, 2020

After reading Cleo1111's testimonial, I had to comment. Thank You very kindly for your heart message. And Thank You to everyone sharing here; it takes great courage to voice the pain and humiliation we face after being made to believe we have everything we could ever want. I have been reading this site for years, stuck in a marriage that is as Cleo describes. I wonder if the person Cleo refers to was me who erased the You Tube comment. I too, am an INFJ, and I too, see the lineage in my family of origin. It is remarkable that I escaped the autistic trap they are confined in, yet, my heart and soul can no longer bear the brunt of their callous and shallow behaviors. I am the different one (scapegoat), ironically, as the neurotypical. I have had to cut off my entire family of origin in order to save myself, and yet, I am trapped with a man who thinks he is superior to me, because he is a male and tricked me into marrying him. I can't even begin to describe the pain in that alone. I have come across a book, "It Wasn't Your Fault," that says self compassion and kindness to self, are the antidotes to toxic shame, which most often originates in childhood, and also causes us to get tripped in life. Once we get past the realization of what happened to us (I won't repeat everyone's story here, though mine is very much the same), we find ourselves desperate for relief; I am finding this book, after years and years of researching the core of toxic behaviors, to be the most soothing of all in moving forward. To anyone who is dating a psychopathic asperger, get out to save yourself, and don't think twice about any of it...You will thank yourself you did. Though very grateful for the privilege of reading these testimonials, I wish there was some way we could connect on this site or be directed to one where we could...Having a one-way discourse is what I already have at home.


Karen
12:51 PM
Fri 10th Jul, 2020

The worst part about having a relationship with someone with ASD is the nonstop whining and bossiness. Everything bothers them. They also try to constantly tell you what to do. They're extremely critical to the point where it will ruin your self esteem. They seem to hate fun and anything spontaneous, just boring routine because of their sensory overload which will bore a NT person. Leaving his house will cause him to have sensory overloads. Don't do anything fun like a vacation, they will ruin it with complaining and probably embarrass you. They have an adult body but mentally it's like dealing with someone that never matured past puberty. This includes meltdowns out of nowhere over things a NT person would find insane. You're essentially dealing with someone who is emotionally still a demanding, controlling, child and it will wear you out. Also, they hate being touched and are basically emotionless which will be a huge problem to anyone who is NT because you will face emotional deprivation. This behavior is not healthy for a NT person to experience for years on end. Remember, they don't have any empathy. None. It's always about them and never about you or anyone else.


Heidi
10:45 PM
Wed 8th Jul, 2020

My husband and I are in our early 50's, he is my second marriage, I am his first. We have been together for a little over 5 years and married for 3. I knew my husband was different when I married him but didn't care because he was to most gentle human being I had ever met, he wasn't your typical man. My first husband was verbally abusive to me and our children and always unfaithful, so when I met my now husband I was over the moon at how gentle and kind he was. This also caused me to put on blinders when he would put out signs of his social difficulties. The other thing is, he has tons of friends and they all genuinely love him but at times the mis-communication becomes confusing to them and my husband because no one seems to understand what the other is meaning and there are hurt moments. The longest job my husband had was 9 years, it was safe and it was routine, but then he hurt his back. He's fine now thanks to physical therapy, but has not worked since. I gather he finds it stressful to deal with jobs that he can do because these days it's all about change and knowledge...his limitations. My husband is not stupid, he's just not interested in anything but his music and his video games (these are also his calming tools). I have learned to give him his space and yes it can take a full day for him to snap out of his mood. He does not do well with change at all and his out burst of anger are very embarrassing. If I go into detail about anything, I've lost him. He never compliments me and he is brutally honest. He does not get my sense of humor or anyone elses. I find that I am the responsible one, it is simply too much for him to understand or comprehend. I have accepted this, however my grown children and some of my other family and friends do not understand and Its not my business to explain his, especially since he has not been diagnosed as of yet. I went to pick up our computers that were being worked on and I explained that if he ever felt that he did not understand what my husband was mean to please contact me and I would assist him in understanding what my husband needs. When he responded, I was shocked, yet relieved!! He said, "I get it, I think your husband might have Aspergers". Then he said, "I recognize the symptoms, because I have it." He then proceeded to ask Google for the definition for me...My life with my husband had just been explained! I was happy for understanding and sad for my poor husband who had been dealing with this his entire life, with no understanding. I love him dearly and I will get him help, before I do that I have to figure out a way to explain my thought to him without him feeling totally worthless. We are moving to another state in a week and hes already on edge due to that stress. The person that was going to ride with him in the moving truck cancelled and now he has to drive up there alone, he will follow me while i drive our car. I'm working on finding another person to help, but he has to be comfortable with them and they have to be available for at least a week...that's going to be hard to do. It has taken me this long and with the help of our computer guy to understand what my poor husband has to deal with on a daily. Working on a diagnosis when were moved is our next step...wish me luck! Love and kindness to all!!


Angelica
11:56 AM
Mon 6th Jul, 2020

I don't know how to begin.. My bf is an aspie, I honestly do not have any idea about this spectrum but I have just realised what it is recently. Well, he has been honest about his diagnosis since the very beginning. But, I paid no attention to it at first. Because I have no idea what asperger is lol. Bit over time, after a year starting the covid. He started to be exhausted, tired of talking, bored, is always in need of space and always snaps. I've developed a fear from him, fear of being yelled at. It always leaves me confused and emotionally, mentally and verbally attacked when he just lashes out. He gets angry if I say an opinion that opposes his, he gets upset if I fail to meet his expectations. He gets angry when I want attention lol.. That's one thing I've noticed here. That most aspies are really incapable of empathy and understanding that we NTs need the right amount of love and attention. But I talked to him about it as kind as I can and of course, he would not listen at first and just get even angrier. He would shout "I don't care!" Or "O gosh, if I had known you were an awful person I would never have talked to you!" Or "never speak to me ever again!". Which just became normal to me these past months. I guess, what really makes me not tired of understanding him is because.. whenever we have an argument, he would say sorry and try to fix it right away. He would then explain to me how he feels. Which I think is really important, I've noticed that aspies tend to keep their thoughts and emotions all to themselves. And they can open up too, it's actually best if they do. What I actually think made him open up to me. Is the fact that I do not argue or shout back at him, I let him finish. After he's done with his tantrums, I kindly try to talk to him again. I tell him how I feel and how important it is that we communicate effectively. And I tell him over and over that I love him and that I'd understand. It usually makes him calm and he would say sorry a lot for being a horrible bf. He says he just really can't control it. And that he feels bad when he feels like has not accomplished what his to do list is for the whole day. And so, I openly told him that if he needs time for himself it would be okay. So long as he makes himself be better and okay and I would just be patient. Doing my own stuff too, I try to paint or make music. I mean, it is hard but I need to shrug the emotions off. Cos one more thing I've realised is that, the more we try to approach them and try to help them, it pressures them. And it adds stress which causes melt downs. Then after giving him his time, he would come back happy. Not angry anymore. Aspies need time for themselves to regroup. And I do admit it was very hard at first. But, in order to make the relationship work always make your partner feel loved. Do not say it too much though, because actions mean more to them than words and do not overdo it, they get smothered by it. Also, give them the space they need after they have regrouped themselves they'll come back okay. And lastly, just always be kind and never shout, be patient. It is absolutely hard, but it always make my guy realize his wrongs afterwards. Or maybe I'm just blessed that my bf really found a soft spot for me. He is an amazing, smart guy, a great musician and an absolute geek, fragile too but the kindest even if he have his melt downs. And I thank God he's found in his heart to really care at least for me. He acknowledges our relationship, though he doesn't like talking too that much but he is really sweet and affectionate. He is like a man and a kid at the same time. Just give them the space they want and never get tired of understanding and being gentle towards them. They'll eventually get comfortable and feel safe and they would open up. I shared this because I want to also say that it's okay, it works and they do improve. It just takes a lot of patience, love, kindness and work. God bless ya'll!


Shannon
2:55 AM
Mon 6th Jul, 2020

Dixie, Thank you for your supportive message and encouragement. My husband is not deliberately mean, just often clueless when it comes to communication and emotional support, leaving me feeling lonely, unsupported, joyless and often embarrassed--like when other people know his plans before I do, which has happend many times. "I already told you I was going away that weekend" he says, or "I just decided and wasn't able to tell you yet." He's a good enough person that I won't leave him, even though I rarely want to spend time with him anymore. People outside our marriage could have no idea and wouldn't believe it. He comes across as a great person. And so it goes on. I know he's nowhere near as difficult as some autistic spouses but I'm no less lonely despite where he is on the spectrum. The bond we had once has finally broken, the elastic snapped, due to his hurtful lack of emotional support, his rigidity and judgmental attitudes, and often nonexistent communicaton. Good luck to you all.


Cleo1111
7:16 PM
Sat 4th Jul, 2020

Thank you from the very bottom of my heart for this phenomenal site and for all the beautiful people who have shared their stories here to help all of us. This site saved my life and gave me hope when l was shattered beyond belief. Very recently l responded to a video that was once posted on Youtube about Cassandra Syndrome and the impact of relationships with people on the Autism Spectrum/Aspergers, 'high functioning' or otherwise ... This is a copy of my comment in relation to that video about Cassandra Syndrome ...and l just wanted to share my profound experience in the hope it may help others .. "I rarely write comments on Youtube but this really struck my heart. I just wanted to let you know that l completely understand this ... in every way. I have met many, many people on the spectrum throughout my life ... work colleagues, people known to my family and many, many others that have crossed my path intimately ... people l have spent years and years, in fact my whole life, interacting with etc etc and in every case of my OWN personal experience, l have been devastated and destroyed by my experience with these particular people in my life who have autism / aspergers. I would give anything for it to be different as this goes against everything i believe in and hold dear to my heart.   Interacting with people with Autism and/or Aspergers ... and again, l speak from my own personal experience and that of my family, has left me dead inside, invisible, disbelieved, sick, in deep turmoil, distressed, absolutely grief stricken beyond words and feeling like l was living in the weirdest reality that didnt even feel human ... no emotions, no feelings, no love, no reciprocity, no validation, no joy or spontaneous sharing and giving of oneself ... absolutely no growth or spiritual growth...… everything was a script, unauthentic, learned and not real .... which ultimately meant that the connections were not a deep soul connections and far from genuine (you have to work through a lot of the masking, camouflaging, love bombing, mimicking etc at the start) … you dont see it all right away ... it was a continual unfoldment of something bizarre, shocking to your soul and shattering to your soul ....that you couldnt even put into words .... nor could tell anyone about as NO-ONE could possibly believe you and what you are dealing with .... until it finally breaks you down as a person. And when you do uncover the truth behind the unbelievable experience, and the autistic/asperger person loses you .... depending on your value to that persons life and self-concept and level of internal development, it can turn obsessive, violent, criminal, bizarre, scary, creepy, unhinged, dark and frightening. Deeply, deeply depressing. It was devastating and tore me to pieces.   It has been the most catalystic experience of my life and l had to walk away from every one of those people ... in order to save my heart from this unbearable pain. My story is an unbelievable one. I could write encyclopedic volumes of my experiences covering being the target of a near ten year long horrific episode of autistic obsessions and stalking that destroyed myself and my family …. and l could go on and on. I was dying on the inside from that plus a myriad of my experiences.   I then retreated and started to work through why these particular autistic/asperger people were crossing my path (and similarly, why l allowed my boundaries to be compromised in terms of what l expected from a friendship, working relationship, family relation, intimate relationship etc). In every single experience, l knew something was off and wrong ..... and completely not in deep soul alignment with me, who l was and what l represented in life. I was persevering, inclusive, super nurturing, uplifting and forgiving. But l couldnt put it into words, something was not right .... it was mind altering and ulimately soul shattering. l then started to deeply reflect and understand/ recognise the autistic attraction to empaths, carers who feel safe and warm and welcoming, nurturers, people who had significant social skills, people who were very, very loving and caring, a mentor, people who were popular and 'successful', a mother figure .... and l recognised the role l was personally playing for those Autism/Asperger people who were present in my life (who l could clearly see lacked those things whether within themselves or lacked that from within their own families of origin where autism also existed with either their mother or father or wider family, although most of them didnt know their families were affected and how that shaped their lives and life experiences). They were running blind and had no insight. It was confronting. Autism has always existed in mankind. It is genetic and runs in families and will always continue to do so. In the hundreds of people l know with autism and/or aspergers and whom i have been very close with throughout my life, every single person has it running through their family lineage (i.e. many family members with the cobdition, often very, very hidden, undiagnosed or undetected, as yet ... going backbgenerations), or has adhd in the family or bipolar or schizophrenia history in their family. Every single one. Sometimes those conditions are covered by addictions such as alcoholism, drug use & abuse, mania/depressive episodes and people dont understand the underlying REAL problem ... the developmental and related comorbid disabilities that are at the core of everything. Some people who have children with autism say that they dont have anyone else in the family with it, how could this be??? ...... and to them l say .... look very, very carefully and very, very, very deeply... its not in your awareness just yet. In time (which can take years and years and sometimes a lifetime, if ever) .... if you reflect very deeply, it will become clear ..... it exists or traits of Autism/Aspergers or the commorbid conditions (e.g. adhd, bipolar etc) exist in you, or your partner, your family or in your partner's family ……  perhaps you as an neurotypical grew up with other/some or a family member/s with it and thus that devastating family template and way of family functioning and living meant an autistic person was attractive to you so you partnered with the 'familiar' that causes you catastrophic emotional pain ....someone again with Autism/Aspergers (which was your mirror and catalyst to heal your past)   ...... look around you at your family's love language, self-concept, warmth, insight, understanding, connection, emotional intelligence, level of spiritual awareness/maturity, depth and authenticity of feeling ..... and generational cycles. Most people dont recognise it in their fathers, mothers and other family members, as it can be subtle in some cases, they dont recognise autism/aspergers in women, as an example ... there are millions out there and far far exceeds what anyone can imagine and in my opinion and experience, far exceeds the males. We dont recognise it in our politicians and leaders, where it is very visible to those of us with lots of experience . People also lack the understanding of how autism, bipolar and schizophrenia and adhd, ocd, hoarding are linked. People dont understand autism and adhd, autism and addictions, autism & gender dysphoria/identity issues. All the comorbidities. Everything overlaps. It all OVERLAPS in varying degress. We have not even touched the surface of understanding Autism/Aspergers in our world. In my own opinion, it is the most crucial issue of this world .... it is Number 1. But it is merely a condition that is overlapping with all the other comorbid conditions ….. all of them under the one umbrella.   I wish for all people to be well. My personal experiences have been deeply traumatic and painful. And l personally will never go there again. It was the darkest place l could have ever ventured into, unknowingly. And it led to my 'death', if l could put it in those words. .....and l say that with a very, very heavy heart ....as someone who deeply respects all people, creation .... and is deeply and profoundly heart-centred. I am an INFJ, so profound intuition and insight and deep, symbiotic soul connections is vital to my existence, my soul, my heart and myself. As humans, we must do the inner work and to come to the point of 'union with self', the highest point of conscousness, .... which dissolves all suffering and the generational/family cycles of trauma, illness, dysfunction .... and the like .... This work takes a lifetime to identify, breakdown and finally transmute to LOVE. For some ..... it's many, many 'lifetimes'. Metaphorically .... it's the 'fool's journey'. The path we are all on." ...... Some time after l made this above comment on a video on Youtube, a person replied to me and shared her experience living with a husband on the Autistic Spectrum and how she felt shattered and at her lowest point. I felt so deeply for this person that reached out to me that a few days after her comment, l went to reply to her and noticed her comment no longer there or deleted. So, to that beautiful lady in deep distress who is shattered and doesn't know how she will go on, if you ever find this message, this is my reply to you, in the hope that maybe you too will come across this site "The Neurotypical" and read all the stories and experiences of all the people who have walked in your shoes. "…....I'm so sorry it's taken me a few days to reply to your message ... even though l read it immediately. I was working through a way l could somehow convey to you in words, that are not even capable of conveying the level of feeling and emotion l feel for you. And even with words, it's not enough. First, l wanted to say .... I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. Reading your note made me very emotional. I know you are shattered and feel completely and utterly destroyed. I deeply know. From the very, very deepest part of my heart, thank you so very much for sharing your painful, soul shattering story with me. To say the words, 'l understand' doesnt even really come close to how much l see, feel and hear your suffering. I so completely 'see' you in every way. I completely understand your experiences ....so much so that you dont even have to detail or write anything. I just know. I would even know intuitively if l was face to face with you and looked into your eyes. No words needed. As a complete stranger in this world-wide web .... and someone who perhaps lives miles and miles away from you .... I wish l could extend to you my arms ... and pick your shattered soul and sense of self ... up off the ground and elevate you back to the highest place possible where you are shining so bright .... and where you know you always are.... deep within. I know, sense and feel your heart and soul in your words. I know you are a profoundly, profoundly beautiful person and l see all your deep inner work to try and make sense of this devasting world you have found yourself in that cannot survive against the will of who and what you are as a person .... and that is .... pure & deep, deep love. I see me in you. For me, the only thing l can tell you that my experience did for me was to cause a catalystic and an absolutely catastrophic spiritual awakening .... that made me see everything, and l truly mean everything, in this world ... so, so clearly. Brutal and painful. After much, much time (and for me, this meant years and years of isolation, working through the devastation and deep, deep self reflection...), I slowly regained my strength, little by tiny little .... and realised after l could not get any lower, it was time l commited to 'ME'. And only me ... despite what the world tries to sell me or tell me, despite all the 'programming' and 'templating' and everything else that has tried to distract me from me, despite my own expectations or the expectations of others of what and where l was going to be in life, with whom, how it was going to look like and everything else. I now no longer under any circumstances accept any person or situation (Autistic, Asperger, Personality-Disordered or whatever 'dis-ease' was shadowing that person's soul or from whatever dysfunctional family or generational 'templating' they came from or any other person seeking anything from me THAT THEY HAVENT FOUND WITHIN THEMSELVES)... degrading my heart, my soul, my love, my friendship, my integrity, my spirit, my deep values, my loyalty, my consciousness and awareness, my compassion, my generosity, my intuition & knowing and my profound empathy. Please know you are in my thoughts and that somebody 'out there' truly and deeply cares and understands who you are as a person. I am still navigating my way through but in the earlier days of utter turmoil and my soul 'death', if l could put it in those words ... l found a site where hundreds of people managed to find that were in the same situations as us and they too started to tell their stories. This site was like finding a needle in a haystack .... my very first help ... and l thank God, l found it at the time. It brought me to tears. Just reading through people's experiences started my own healing process. I now recognised l wasn't the only person in the world going through this and even though l had absolutely no one to support me, l started to support myself. Please, please ... spend days, weeks or whatever time you have to read the hundreds and hundreds of stories and experiences (over pages and pages) ... of these people here at The Neurotypical. You will see you, in all of these stories ...... and it will help you. As l said, this was my starting point ... and from here was my path back to ME, no matter what that looked like to others, to the outside world, to what others or my own earlier expectations for myself were. I knew who l was and what l was in this life and nothing ever again was going to cross my path that was ever going to degrade that which l held deep within my self. I'm sending you so much love and will be thinking of you and hoping that slowly and surely ... no matter how long it takes ... you will find your way through your story and come out of all of this with a deep sense of understanding, a heart still full of love that lifts everyone up ...and finally ..... shining .... so, so bright. I KNOW you will. I'll be thinking of you and reaching out to you with deep, deep care and a warm, tight hug .... over the airwaves. From one warm-hearted and heart-centred stranger to another." X


Nora
3:16 AM
Fri 3rd Jul, 2020

Thank you so much to everyone for these testimonials. Reading them helped me so much in the last couple of weeks, hence I decided to share some of my experiences, too. Luckily, this relationship has only lasted for six months. Nevertheless, it left a lot of wounds and I am disappointed in myself that I didn't stop it earlier. We met online and I quickly had the impression that he is communicating differently, I was actually skeptic in the beginning. A friend of mine happened to know him a bit in real life and told me about the fact that he acted weirdly sometimes but that he is incredibly intelligent. Well, indeed, he is very smart, successful and handsome. He also seemed very kind and polite in the beginning but I realized quickly that he is not really normal. His smiles felt superficial. When we spent the first weekend together he was not asking me any questions. As a matter of fact, he kept talking for hours about himself, his career, everything that came to his mind. Later I realized that he would tell me the same anecdotes again and again, he just didn't remember about what we have already talked. To him everything was perfect in the beginning, he used to say that he always starts with seeing the best in everything because it always gets complicated soon anyway. I was worried when I learnt that he never really had long term relationships (one year counted as long) and that most of them were over after one or two months. After all, he was almost 40 and told me that he was always looking for something that works. I am in my mid twenties and was naive to believe that after dozens of fails, it could finally work with me by his side. I suspected that he was on the spectrum which is why I was very patient and understanding from the start. I tried to do everything to make him feel comfortable but I failed... it was just impossible. After three months the abusive dynamic started. He was never good at texting and we didn't communicate regularly but at that time everything got worse and worse. Due to Corona we couldn't see each other in that period, we just communicated via Skype. He would tell me that our conversations were not of value to him. He would like to see me again as soon as all of this is over but he doesn't enjoy our Skype calls. They were too long, random and slow to him. He prefers knowing exactly what he wants to tell me when calling me and after that, the conversation should be over. He stopped asking me how I was doing, what was going on in my life. He told me regularly that women were never important in his life (he actually describes himself as a woman-hater) and that he doesn't know if he wants any other person in his life at all. Once he called me telling me that I could be "of use" to him (related to something sexual), after that silence again. When we met again after the lock down everything was good, even better than it was in the beginning. Soon after that he received bad news related to his job, he got criticised for being inappropriate and not empathetic. This brought bad mood for weeks and when I arrived at his place there was nothing but coldness and moodiness. He wanted me to be gone quickly again, he criticised almost everything about me. The food I bought the day before (we made a list with the things I should buy) he threw away as soon as I was gone. The reason was that he felt as if he lost control about his life having food in his fridge that he didn't buy and doesn't want. When I asked him whether I could hug him before leaving he was saying "yes" without moving at all. He stood there like a tree, it was so weird. I felt hurt and just wanted to leave his place. On the way to the train station he was acting completely normal when driving me there. At some point, he was asking me whether I was angry because I didn't talk much. He just didn't get it. The following weeks were similar. When he was stressed, he would let me down and tell me how much of a burden I am to him, that he is not happy talking to me, that he wants no one in his life etc. When I finally asked him whether he simply wants to end it he paused and told me that maybe we should take a break. But that he hopes that we could continue talking to each other. How absurd is that. Anyways... more importantly: I was so stupid to not end it earlier. I tried to justify his behavior due to autism (he is not diagnosed but when I told him about my suspicion, he was agreeing and telling me that he thinks he has it), I tried everything to please him and make life easier for him. In the end, I completely neglected myself, I started to believe that I am not worthy enough to be with, I belittled myself. In this way, it's not his fault, it is mine. I should have realized earlier that I should take care of me in the first place, that I am worthy of being loved and being treated with respect.


DIXIE
11:00 PM
Thu 2nd Jul, 2020

O SHANNON: If you scroll down on this page, you will encounter numerous testimonials that are quite similar to your's. YES you are worth happiness, as are many of us. Unfortunately many of us do have 'just a business relationship/Roommate'. For financial,children, fear of the unknown or medical reasons. I also have been married 30 years. Got love bombed like others and sex stopped completely after 2 years and 2 children later! It was robotic and fake and he would call me a Bitch right after getting out of the bed. We have had separate bedrooms and conversations are extremely limited. I never know if anything I do or say will cause a tantrum. I got yelled at for an hour yesterday because I left the coffee creamer on the shelf. Like you, my husband never stoo up for me with anyone that ridiculed me - especially my Mother in Law or inlaws. My children could call me names that were hurtful, an he would be silently sitting there smiling. Travel is like taking a toddler on vacation and after 3 days in Europe he threatened to fly home alone. We almost got thrown out of the hotel with his screaming. He walks behind me - never next to me when we go anywhere. I have to turn my head to see where he is, he answers with "I AM RIGHT HERE!" Get involve with a women's group of something, find a hobby to take your mind off of things. You are priceless and, like you, I occasionally indulge in buying or treating myself to a small trinket. My husband is not cheap like your husband is, but I handle the money and am a saver. My daughter is finishing her Doctorate in another State in 2 years. So my husband is now repairing things that need fixing in our home and hopping on me to move 3,000 miles from Florida in 2 years - NO WAY.House is paid for here and I'm not going to live in an apartment. I told him all he needs is a 10x10 foot room, TV and beer - he would never do anything differently in any other State. Would we be happier? HELL NO! I am finally getting my way in subtle ways. I also added some movie channels to our cable package - much to his dismay. Life is too darn short. I wish you all the best and it's not your fault. Although they will make you thihk it is. They always have to be right - no fun and I find most aspies lack a sense of humor. You could go to a Comedy Club and they would sit there expressionless. I've flown many miles with him, taken him to State Fairs/Concerts and even bought him a new truck when I receive a small inheritance - never got a Thank You. After he received the truck he said - WEll, you wanted it - not me. Give up and live your life, Shannon.


Shannon
12:20 AM
Thu 2nd Jul, 2020

Do I really have cause to complain? I'm in an endless struggle of wondering if my relationship is good enough or not something I should continue. Is the emotional loneliness really so bad? Is a much better love even possible? I have no idea what it's like to be in a partnership where you feel emotionally supported. If I experienced it I would probably break down and sob. My husband of 30 years is a high functioning aspie, undiagnosed but obvious, and he acknowledges it. He is a professional, nice looking and kind, a good father to our young adult children. He doesn't have loud or violent meltdowns--which is why I felt safe with him and married him. Instead his meltdowns are quiet and seething. He has always had very rigid thinking and not shown emotional support at important times, leaving me feeling alone and even humiliated. If I tell him about an interaction with someone that upset me he will always take the other person's side or just give no response. Although he is a high-earning professional he has fumed at modest purchases I've made, such as, years ago, a bed or dining table (which cost $300). I like thrifting and am creative so most of our furniture is used, but still he fumed when I wanted to buy a small pre-fab shed to store bikes and gardening tools. It's been exhausting. He has extreme thinking, believing we should have no TV and no car. When I bought camp chairs because we go camping every summer he refused to sit on one, sitting on a rock or the ground instead. The kids would see this weird behaviour, and my hurt and anger. What did they think? I shudder to think that they might think such hostile, judgmental, rigid behaviour is normal in a marriage. In the early years I generally went along with his wishes, but as I got older I decided to make small choices that I wanted in life. I bought a TV and got cable. He fumed and I ignored him. I have felt for a long time that my life with him is zero fun. I feel no joy with him, none. I have done all the emotional labour to keep our marriage going and pursuaded myself a hundred times to have sex with him but now that I've stopped bothering to do that work our bond is dwindling to a pure business relationship. He dislikes restaurants, sporting events, and many other things I enjoy. He likes marathon bike rides, and I've done a few with him--I can be flexible--but it's not that enjoyable for me as his company leaves me cold. He's a good person, just not someone I can enjoy life with any longer. But we are bound together by circumstances. I stay and wait for something to change, wondering if I even have cause to complain. Deep down I must have thought I didn't deserve emotional support. I went for security over joy, not believing I deserved or might ever find both in a mate. Does anyone out there have a similar story?


Amy
2:48 PM
Wed 1st Jul, 2020

In reply to David who posted 21/6. I do agree. The three people in my experience with an actual diagnosis are all clearly autistic. My self diagnosing mother on the other hand has all the traits of narcissism and I believe Aspergers offers her an excuse for her very selective coldness and absence of empathy. Her 'diagnosis' of me was veiled criticism. No doubt gender alters the presentation of any mental health condition. So, an autistic woman won't be any easier to hold a relationship with than a man. I wish you well.


what was i thinking
10:21 PM
Tue 30th Jun, 2020

holy sh*t. thank God i see the writing on the wall. It's like we are all writing about the same person. My "Aspie" is highly intelligent, HOT and physically fit, has dark sarcasm and good humor. I am extremely attracted to him physically and emotionally. Love his power brain. Almost two years in and now all the pieces make sense. We are recently reconnected, 15 years after college. It's a long distance relationship for now with the intention that he is moving back closer to here. Most of his family is here anyway. We see each other about every 6-8 weeks. Covid put a pause on all visits. The chemistry is intense and the sex is great- but then again we only meet up once every two months. i always wondered why he would be sooo cold when we would say goodbye- i would get a quick kiss on the lips, no lingering or holding each other. Its as if we see each other every day. One time in our hotel stay, he ended up sleeping in another bed bc i was snoring too loud was making him hot. He hates texting, so we barely text anymore. When we occasionally facetime- he barely glances up at me, i usually get a profile shot of him talking to me while working. He is highly intelligent loves calculus. All he ever says is that everything is "emotion, never any logic" It's impossible to win any discussion with him. He LOATHES women- thinks they are completely unintelligent and contribute nothing to society. Men are superior.. To him, there are no notable women that have made significant advances or inventions like men. we always joke around that he is gay and he always says he wishes that were the case. He speaks very passionately about right wing politics, and most things annoy and irritate him- esp the left!! As mentioned, the texts are sparse,barely says i love you, maybe if i say it first in text , he will reply with " love you too", not very loving or affectionate, never remembers my birthday( its been 2 birthdays together) For his bday, i sent him gifts and books i thought he would like. Come to find out he doesnt really like birthdays. He has a deep passion for building RC cars- so that's his "quirky hobby" when he is not working 80 hours a week. The last straw was just recent. He was really drunk and for the first time called me a piece of shit over and over, saying i was self absorbed and made him feel bad. I didnt even do or say anything to trigger him and then said he wants nothing to do with me and hung up. I was bewildered and devastated. WTF just happened? That was the first time i ever experienced that kind of behavior and it will be the last. I have been in love with him for so long and was so happy to reconnect with him and then he just broke my heart. Reading through these testimonials, i feel saved. I am ok today and will be. I dodged a bullet. An emotionless one sided relationship and would never have my most simplest of needs met. I dont want a life of eggshells and trying to please him. Brains, brawn and good looks are not everything. No wonder why he never married. He is 43. thank you all!


Fairlie
12:57 AM
Tue 30th Jun, 2020

I feel very grateful right now that my husband and are enjoying a happier relationship than we've often had in the past 33 years. We've both worked hard to accomplish this. Learning that Aspergers was the reason for his 'challenging' behaviours has helped a lot. As is often the case he's not interested in sex but is affectionate - I don't mind initiating hugs when he mind is 'elsewhere'! I've studied various aspects of this 'condition' and no longer take his occasional 'obnoxious' behaviour personally. Certain things can still upset me but I have better coping strategies which end up helping us both. We have a very healthy lifestyle (diet/exercise/stress management) and take appropriate and helpful nutritional supplements. In addition to a variety of minerals/vitamins - magnesium, melatonin, DHA (sometimes gaba) and lithium orotate really help him with stress/anxiety. I stay relatively calm when he's being 'difficult'. Strong reactions from me usually just add 'fuel to the fire'! Painful memories of past situations somtimes enter my mind but after a few minutes they fade as I start to 'strategize'. At such times, I 'distance' myself from him, distract myself by keeping busy and often plan a special occasion/treat for myself (compensation). After the 'dust has settled' I take my time and choose appropriate times and places to bring up things that I feel are imprortant to deal with. We have a break from one another every winter when I take 'budget' trip for 2-3 months (he sometimes joins me for a short time). We've had some very stressful times when travelling so I try to avoid 'trigger' situations. I want us both to be as healthy and happy as possible! Achieving this has taken extensive knowledge of Aspergers and how others are affected, empathy, respect, support, determination, confidence, patience, a sense of humour, creativity, optimism and gratitude!


caro
6:58 AM
Mon 29th Jun, 2020

I've been with my partner for 14 years. He swept me off my feet and wooed me with huge passion. Then his hobby replaced me and I spent the next few years recovering from breakdowns caused by neglect, cruelty and strong denial. His terrifying melt-downs used to ruin family trips, he ruined an important rare visit with my son all over leaving a lightswitch on-he's obsessed with money and has OCD. His behaviour in private can be shockingly abusive. After this I wondered how much longer I'd have to take medication to cope with Cassandra Syndrome, my doctor agreed he might benefit from the same medication, escitalopram. The difference is instant, he doesn't have melt downs and I'm not terrified of him anymore. His OCD has eased up on meds. But...I still exhaust myself trying to have equality and real love. He does barely anything around the house but will use his AS logic to 'win' conversations around this, or anything to do with empathy. OUtwardly, he appears a quiet, lovely IT worker and nice man, his relationship behaviour is shockingly different. His father, very AS but suspected Narrisistic Personality Disorder was a bully and very macho and sexist. I see my husband as a child at times, he is not there for us, he will always put himself first and despite having a diagnosis, will deny deny deny that AS traits cause problems. I hae no family to turn to. I sometimes love him, he says he loves me. I would never recommend getting involved with someone with AS, the emotional unending trauma has ruined my life.


Missy Lip
5:20 AM
Fri 26th Jun, 2020

For anyone who does not have a child, does not have strong legal or monetary entrapments, get out now. Nothing you do will ever give you the love, kindness, understanding and rationality that you would get from a neurotypical person. Nothing. Not therapy, Not Medicine, Not endless hours explaining to the ASD person what is broken, nothing will give you what you need and deserve in a relationship. I have tried everything and I feel as though my life has been a waste of space. All I can do is advise you to get out of the Hell you are in right now.


Becca
5:01 AM
Thu 25th Jun, 2020

I’ve never felt the need to find a support group/community board until now. Reading everyone’s testimonials brought me a sense of peace, and is giving me a lot to think about. My boyfriend and I are on a month long break. We’ve been dating for a year, and only in these last couple months have I started to realize he isn’t giving me what I need romantically and emotionally. He’s doesn’t have a mean bone in his body, he never gets angry, and has been my best friend. When we first started dating, he casually mentioned he was diagnosed as autistic as a kid, but neither him nor his family ever really acknowledged it. I took it with a grain of salt, because at the time he just seemed like a very stoic and well rounded individual. He’s incredibly smart, very passionate about fishing and writing, and hates the idea of working a “real” job. He doesn’t have many friends except for me. 1 year later and he never compliments me, even though I made it clear I want to feel loved or appreciated romantically. No flowers or notes. No spontaneous acts of kindness. Just quality time, which is great if we’re best friends, but not so much for a relationship. I asked him to take a break and he finally accepted. While I know he wants to get get back together sooner than I’d like, I can’t help but wonder if I want to re enter something if there’s no chance for him to learn how to be more intimate. He isn’t totally inept at reading body language or tone, which is why I’m not sure if he actually is on the spectrum or if he’s just consciously stonewalling me because he’s not “there” yet. Thank you everyone for sharing, and for those who have taken the time to read this.


a cassandra
11:13 AM
Wed 24th Jun, 2020

Holly, i can feel your pain. This is typically my son, warm, loving, generous, but unattached. I didn't even know he was an aspie, thought he was shy, until i disapproved of his girlfriend and did quite a bit of screaming, he ran away from me for the last good 2 yrs. The pain, the suffering, the tears, the heartbreak was all horrible. I knew he acted like my husband and my father in law, didn't understand what was wrong until i hit upon this word asperger's and oh boy, what an eye opener. my 28 years of quest was instantly answered. by then i had lost my mind, became too thin and diabetic. i am trying to recover from the torment and trying to build my relationship with my son. working on my relationship with my hubby, of course he isn't doing much. There were never appreciation, acknowledgment,validation, a thank you or sorry, no kind and loving word, it was either talk about facts or yell or go stony....i am really writing a book about my relationship, hopefully i could publish to help others in similar situation. I have taken up masters course to keep me engaged and i have my wonderful family supporting me through this. it is hard but i am letting autism dictate my life. i love my son so much, but his behavior is making me slowly getting detached. i don't like that feeling, but that's the only way i can protect my sanity. after two years, he is slowly opening up, only messaging not picking up my calls and telling me where he is living, keeping the msgs short and curtail. i miss our wonderful relationship (only i invested and imagined it reciprocal) but trying to forgive and forget his mistakes coz even he doesn't know he is autistic. i keep coming back to this website to know everyone's struggle and to know that i am not crazy


Pam
6:08 AM
Mon 22nd Jun, 2020

This site is a lifeline to me My husband of 44 yrs is an undiagnosed aspie I have always known there is something seriously wrong with him but didn't even know about aspergers until he read something about 5 yrs ago and said I think I have this He thinks he is superior to me and knows everything We have had so many arguments and of course they are all my fault When he talks it is not a normal conversation No eye contact just him talking at me not to me We had the grandchildren over on the weekend and we were all having a good laugh and one of the kids said (isn't it funny Papa isn't laughing and we all are) That's how it always has been yet with strangers he would laugh I feel so sad knowing this can't be fixed but I have lots of friends and wonderful family so I can go on and I have the Lord in my life Now we're retired it gets harder and harder but reading that others are in the same boat makes it bearable I could write a book about all the embarrassing horrible things he has done Thanks everyone


Holly
5:05 AM
Mon 22nd Jun, 2020

It is so good to read all your stories and thanks for sharing them.I think my (ex ?)boyfriend is an undiagnosed Aspie.We had a great relationship for ten months.Then Corona and a new job came for him and that started a bad time.He works as a pharmacist at a big hospital.When all of this started happening of course he was super stressed, working long hours and sometimes there was a night where he did not text.I am quite self-sufficient and trust him completely, so never thought a lot about it apart from of course worrying for his health..I knew he would be overwhelmed and we would text the next day.Even during the worst crisis in april and beginning of may we stayed in touch almost every day.Then he handed in his notice to change to a different wing as he could not stand his boss.When he handed his notice in..he wrote a long text how reliefed he is and how we will go away once he is done there.He wrote he loves and misses me so much.In the four weeks that followed uo to his last day there..we were less and less in contact.I think he felt he needed to give over and above for his team before he left.I didn't push him and told him its all ok.I know he is busy, and just to get ion touch when he feels ok or needs help.He said i am a amazing human being for being so understanding and loving.I wrote him a card and he took it to work, saying it made the day bearable for him.The day before his last day the silence started to get long..he was off his old job and did not get in touch.I thought he might be sleeping as he must have been exhausted, but the message i got in the evening hurt so bad.He wrote a lot about how he changed during the pandemic and it will take time to feel himself again.He was unsure about the hours for his new job ( a little all over the place) and he felt selfish for not being in touch as much.He said he felt bad he could not support me through the crisis and he doesn't know if he can.he hates this and he is sorry.That was the last time i heard from him..i wrote back explain to him that he should take time to heal and i will keep in touch to let him know i am still here.That i love him and will continue loving him even when he is taking me-time to himself.I texted if he could please maybe text me once a week to let me know he is "ok".And that i understood how hard it must be for him..I told him i wait for him.To get better.To find himself again.He read that text and that was the last time i saw a sign of life.He has not read any of my texts ( mostly stating that i hope it gets easier for him and i am here if he needs me and i love him) its five weeks now.To say i am destroyed is positive..i lost a stone in weight and feel horrid.Next week i will try and reach out to him in person..but i am scared and nervous and all things.I love him son much, and i know he is not mean.he did not block me or tell me he doesn't love me.I think something had to give and it was me.i can not express in what pain i am about it..but i think on here i don't have to.Whoever reads this gets it ,i am sure.So feel for all of you..it is so hard to love a person that is so distanced.and yet..i wish for nothing more than being with him again.He was/is the most caring, tender, touchy feely, lovely guy with a huge heart and incredible kind.But i guess..it will never be easy.


David
4:49 PM
Sun 21st Jun, 2020

I'm struck by the predominance of people who have experiences with males with Aspergers, but I must point out that females with Aspergers can be just as toxic and damaging to men who get involved with them. I think they fly under the radar, not necessarily because Aspergers in women is less frequent, but because it's harder to diagnose. I also think that it's dangerous to make these arm-chair diagnoses ourselves, which we are tempted to do because it offers a convenient way of explaining someone's behavior. In my case, the woman I was with was "professionally" diagnosed, at least that's what she said, but I was too naive to realize that I should have run at that point. Also, the outward appearance of Aspergers- the love bombing, the devaluation, the discard, the treating others like objects as opposed to people, the lack of real empathy- these are things that are identical to what is seen in full fledged narcissists. There is a literature on this, and the Aspergers support groups are full of self-righteous and militant members who resent the implication that at least some of them really might have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). They take comfort in being labeled with a diagnosis that implies an inherited disorder of brain hardwiring, because it absolves them of any responsibility to improve. As I read some of these valuable posts here, I often wonder what the diagnosis really is- is it Aspergers, which has become the politically correct and more trendy thing to say, or are we dealing with narcissists who are the product of a dysfunctional upbringing? Until a specific treatment is available for one condition over the other, the only thing that matters to me is the outward behavior and its affects on us, not the diagnostic label. In some ways, I object to the widespread use of the Aspergers/HFA diagnosis, because it lets people off the hook too easily. They cause damage to others, they know they do it, they're smart enough to modify their behavior, but they just don't care. Hard-wiring or not, these people can destroy someone's life. Therapists are not incentivized to render a diagnosis of narcissism, because it carries a stigma with it that will anger the patient and cause him/her to leave the practice, which has financial ramifications to the therapist. Much better to tell someone that he or she has Aspergers, right? They are told that it's not their fault because they were born with it. Instead, they are told they have a gift, a "superpower", not something to be ashamed of or to correct. The world has gone mad. Until the psychiatric community is better able to distinguish Aspergers from NPD and to develop effective treatments, no progress will be made, and we will continue to be victimized by these people, no matter what diagnostic label you give them.


Amy
6:01 AM
Sun 21st Jun, 2020

My nephew and his father have aspergers. My sister divorced and I clash horribly with both these men. I had to deal with an autistic man at work and we could not work together. He said I was aggressive because I would not give him the answer he wanted. I find these people so abhorrent because their behaviour seems selfish to me. They are my antithesis. So I went to stay a few days with my mother this week after a two year silence between us which was my choice. We discussed family stuff. The subject of my nephew came up and of aspergers came up. She said it trickled down genetically from the whole family and seemed to imply we all had traits. I stated clearly I was not. I said I enjoyed human contact too much. She then said she was, that she had no trouble acknowledging this. I was gobsmacked. My mother has never admitted anything close to a 'fault' and suddenly I begin to see explanations. For coldness, constant criticism, cruel comments followed by (well it's true), never touching, no ability to understand my feelings and seeing me as a useful object from which to gain something. I agree with the oeople here who say get out. Seriously, you deserve to be loved by someone and treated well. But how do I separate from my mother? And now that I think of it, my other sister ...


Mags
4:56 AM
Sun 21st Jun, 2020

My husband of 16 years shows some traits- the most notable being difficulty with eye contact, dislikes socialising, walks with a very rigid gait. He is a good man and is actually the one who does the bulk of the ‘adult’ household organisational stuff (I have dyscalculia which affects my ability to organise myself). He is a good husband and father yet I keep finding myself questioning whether I can stay with him due to the loneliness, lack of social life and sexual issues. When he proposed on top of a mountain, he sat BEHIND me! I didn’t expect him to go on one knee but to have been looking at me would have been nice. I had barely heard of autism back when we got married but through reading up on it over recent years because I am convinced his mum (who I have a difficult relationship with) has it- I have seen the traits in my husband too. His passion (bikes) has always come first. Though cycling was what brought us together it is just one of many hobbies for me. I have to put up with bike related paraphernalia all over the house and a huge chunk of the family budget going on numerous top end bikes (whilst we were without a shower room for 9 months!) yet if I have some piles of magazines lying around he threatens to throw them away as they are cluttering the house. I’m definitely not perfect but would love him to be assessed so we know if this is what he has.


Vic
2:33 AM
Sun 21st Jun, 2020

Wow I feel that Polly, who posted yesterday, and I are in a very similar situation. I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, and the issues we have today (which are beyond amplified) were there from the start. My partner is undiagnosed officially but has long known he’s high functioning. He is overbearing and can talk you into insanity in an argument. To the point that I’m anxious when he now enters a room. He’s emotionally abusive in arguments and will try to show me diagrams about how he’s right and I’m wrong - over the years my identity has been squashed. I’ve put up with it and moved on from arguments for the sake of the kids, but we’ve now agreed to separate. He has also recently lost his job for being overbearing so I know - and since lockdown - have heard how he speaks to others. He has a grandiose sense of self and is histrionic and has no sense of personal space in a conversation.


Bridgette
1:46 AM
Sun 21st Jun, 2020

"As long as you refuse to have a conversation about the problems, we are not ok. Just reminding you. Right now my focus is on this pain and trying to get better but I wanted to remind you." Text I just sent him even though he's home right now because I get the same response as when I'm speaking to him, no response. Side note, pain is headache won't go away I've been dealing with going on second week. It's a chronic thing for years now, anyway. He deals with things with hugs. No talking. Just hugs. Needless to say hugs do not solve problems. He absolutely refuses to talk about it. He will talk my head off all day long about things important to him and he'll talk to neighbors too. Whenever I start a conversation I get crickets from his end, unless it's about his interests. He doesn't seem to understand that when his words are rude and downright emotionally abusive that I don't want a hug or a kiss 30 minutes after getting my "head chewed off" for no good reason. Just the tip of the iceberg of the issues. Lord help me.


Ella
8:24 AM
Sat 20th Jun, 2020

I reluctantly agreed to date a shy, awkward, brilliant (with chops to back it), childlike man in his late 40s after he pursued me. For weeks he loved bombed me in a painfully shy and awkward way. I found it amusing and wasn't alarmed because I assumed he just didn't know how to pace things due to his non-NT brain. He was incredibly doting, sweet. Promised me his loyalty. One night several weeks into things he became verbally abusive, angry, hostile. I quickly got off this call. An hour later came the weird texts: began talking like he was some sort of playboy (out of character completely). Two days later a super strange communication in which he talked like I was one of his dudes, in something that sounded like 1960s slang. I still ignored. That day he began dating online again so I figured I was off the hook - but no. Days later he sent a desperate text to find out if we were still an item. I broke it off with him in a simple but honest and kind reply and since then it has been nothing but silence. I am socially pretty savvy but I never, ever saw this coming. I thought non-NTs were essentially straight forward emotionally. But his love bombing was just an act. The new personas that came out were a complete shock. My friends think he is sociopathic. Anyway, that is my story. I hope it helps others. I was not invested so there was no harm no foul for me but what was surprising is that there was a level of sadism to the whole thing. He's a good actor. I'm dating again and this one is so much easier and it all just flows. I should have pulled back after the first red flags. Be aware and take it slow always. Good luck out there!


Polly
5:25 PM
Fri 19th Jun, 2020

Thank you all for sharing, it means a lot. I have been with my partner for over a decade and while there were signs that something was not right from the beginning, I always forgave arguments and swore to work harder and do better at meeting his needs. As with many people in this situation, I’m generally overly empathetic, hate confrontation and have my own issues with rejection and repressing negative feelings. We have no diagnosis and in many ways, I struggle to know whether I am even now getting it wrong. Unlike many other stories I see here, he actively wants to talk. In fact, my anxiety around talking (because talking to him is the most cutting assessment of a situation, where I am always in the wrong, and is not affected by my point of view or increasing distress, and which can go on for days at a time) is now our key issue. The fact I avoid talking in the manner he wants to is proof that I don’t care about him. When I started being very anxious and working to suppress any criticism or potential disagreement, due to my fear we were about to have a fight, it was claimed that I should be working on that issue and that the panic was my own problem and one I should not only solve, but explain to him. I have been in therapy for years. I do still love him but some of the things he’s said to me and the way they’ve been said, make me hate myself so much. His desire to talk and to assign his negative emotional state to me makes me feel as though I am incorrect, because it seems unlike many typical manifestations. Yet there are so many smaller things that make me wonder. He is a wonderful person in many ways. And yet I feel constantly at war with him and myself.


Fairlie Scott
12:07 AM
Fri 19th Jun, 2020

I've been married to a man with Aspergers for 33 years. It was so sad to read Jen's post and think about how difficult her life would probably be if she stays with her live-in boyfriend, possibly gets married and has children! If she really cares about him then remaining friends but not co-habitating could be ideal. One of the many therapists my husband I saw said that having our own places could resolve most of our issues. I'm 74, husband is approaching 78. We live on modest pensions which prevents that option. Living with someone with this condition is way beyond difficult! I've had to work very hard to stay sane and relatively healthy!


Jess
3:28 PM
Thu 18th Jun, 2020

Does anyone here have experiences with their aspergers partner improving over time? My aspergers partner used to be awful because he just didn’t “get it”..he would come home from work at 4am while I’m asleep, slam the door, and start singing like he’s the only person in the apartment. He would not Understand why I get upset when he asks me to pour milk out of my bowl into his bowl (when he has been off for days but chose not to go to the grocery store). He would not get it when I refused to go to the post office for him because he had 5 days off in a row but his executive function skills didn’t allow for him to plan a reasonable time to go to the post office. Overall he has gotten a lot better. He actually cooks more often than not, he will not put up a figure if I ask him to help me clean. He makes a real attempt to be quiet when he comes home at 4am from work. But he describes it as difficult because it’s “things he has to remember”.....I do appreciate the change but he definitely has room to go. The apartment is often a mess when I come home and he’s been home all day. He has literally never cleaned the bathtubs or sinks. He constantly leaves food in the garbage disposal so it smells...and this list goes on. Have any of you guys had luck with behavior changing for the better?


Jen
9:34 PM
Wed 17th Jun, 2020

I need to say "Thank You" to everyone here who has helped me realize that I am not alone and I am not crazy. I have been living with my bf for over a year and I feel like I'm loosing my mind. He only works a part time job (1 day a week for 4 hours) and when hes not working all he does is play video games. When he first moved in he told me that he knows that "no one gets a free ride in life" and was very helpful with little things around the house like cleaning up, making coffee, doing laundry and just general upkeep since I am the one who works full time and pays all the bills. 6 months in and boy did things change. He wont talk to me about anything that isn't related to video games and if I try, I get met with silence or he just stares at me. I have tried to explain how I need help with some household chores during the day since he doesn't really work and is home all the time and he tells me I treat him like a slave and he has no free time to do the things HE wants to do. Are you kidding me??!! I don't ask him to scrub the damn walls or anything all I'm asking him is if the dishwasher is full to put the soap pod in and push the damn start button and when they are dry to put them up, take out the garbage when the can is full and just general upkeep. Pick your dirty clothes up off the floor and put them in the laundry etc...I explained to him that I don't feel that I am being unreasonable by asking that he takes care of these things and he just stares at me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that?! Nothing ever gets resolved because he never talks to me. He says that he hears me but that's as far as I get. He gets SSDI benefits but his mother is his payee. I asked why he needs a payee at 31 years of age and he just shrugs and says "I don't know". He doesn't try to ask why he cant be in control of his own benefits and doesn't seem to care that his mommy has access and control to that part of his life. Its so frustrating to see someone that I love and care about not give a shit about doing anything more with his life. Its like he is fine with just being someones dependent. I know this relationship wont last much longer if nothing gets any better.


Darlene
3:35 AM
Wed 17th Jun, 2020

It has been 3years since I left my 16 year marriage with an undiagnosed asperger. I left when I realized that I was not doing the best I could for my children. Throughout my marriage I was told by several councillors to leave him. I tried to keep things together for the family image. Oh, how I wish I had left sooner. I am beginning to get my life back after all the emotional damage I experienced over the union. It has been difficult to get rid of him, so do your preparation carefully before telling him that you are leaving. Although his revenge has been relentless I am finally making some headway for sanity. I will say that I’m a professional and am capable of handling a home and money matters alone. With that said, I do have a new relationship. My ex has tried desperately to engage in a relationship since, but has failed each time. When he is interested in someone it makes life easier for me. Presently he is with someone. All I want to tell her Is”run for your life, no one deserves to live in hell” but then I guess she will have to find out that for herself. My feelings are conflicted. I don’t think anyone deserves that, but right now he is leaving me alone which I am so thankful. My best advice is don’t hesitate one more minute if you are married to an Aspie. Run for your life and salvage yourself and your children from further pain.


Holly
1:09 AM
Wed 17th Jun, 2020

Last night, we had a nice night. Dinner was good and satisfying. Conversation was good all seemed like a "good" day. As we are walking into the bedroom, he changes the thermostat up to 80. Which we usually keep it at 78 (compromise for me), but it was a little hot (just finished cooking), so why is he turning it up to 80? I made a ugh noise (which he hates), but didn't change it. I know battles and this was not worth it. He thought I had changed the temp, but I didn't. I said "no, I didn't change it, ass" and boom that set him off. I was gearing up to see if my 5 year old nephew was going to play a game with me online (new thing I've been adding in to stay in touch). He then goes off, ask how many things do I want to control. I told him I didn't change the temp, I just want to check and see if my nephew is online. He instructs me to put the controller down and go and clean up dinner. He also tells me (and he's brought this up several times), that he knew me playing a game with my nephew was going to bite him in the ass, because he has been doing so much to give me time to play with him. I knew adding this new element into our lives meant it would upset him in the long run. This is his way of controlling when he feels like I'm controlling. I know it's no use to say anything else so I go to the kitchen to clean up, he follows. He now is in an irate state, and goes to throw away 1/2 a bag of chips (he loves to waste food when he's melting down), but I try and stop him. BIG MISTAKE, another reason to call me controlling. He proceeds to open the bag and dump it on the floor. This isn't the first time he's done this. He grabs our salsa container and threatens to dump it as well. I am trying to stay calm and tell him to do whatever he needs and I will clean it up. But that is not enough and also makes him angry, he tells me that he will clean it all up and then tells me he has to clean up after me all the time and I can't even clean my shit stains out of the toilet. It's abusive but I don't know how to leave. I feel controlling, I acknowledge to him that I shouldn't have been mean with calling him an ass, and that I shouldn't have tried to control. We spent the night not talking. He cleaned the entire kitchen, and I KNOW he will use it against me down the road. I feel bad about saying that, is me expecting that setting us up for failure? I don't know what to say after we have an argument, especially when I feel like he should apologize, but to him it's not his fault. I want to let him have meltdowns on his own terms, but how do I break into that wall after he's put it up. I ask him this morning "how are you feeling" but that set him off too. As I'm typing this I realize none of this is normal, but I care for him so much. I just don't want to feel like it's only my fault anymore. Should I be the only one apologizing? Is any of this normal??? The more I read testimonies, it seems like all you do is give up on the person you love and I get being upset at their behavior, but when does it become too much? I told myself last night that I don't want to live this way anymore, but I feel different when I wake up. Even though he's still so mad at me and when I get home from work today it's going to be the same fight. There is never enough time for him to move on from a meltdown. I have tried so many ways to have a conversation after, but it just results in more fighting. Last thing is he tells me during EVERY fight that he's going to leave me. That is his go to and I've told him how much it hurts my feelings and he says that's the point. He wants to hurt me the way I hurt him. It's just so confusing.


Lana
9:00 PM
Tue 16th Jun, 2020

1,5 years of relationships with Asperger guy. In the beginning it was perfect 3-4 first months. I noticed during this time, he once mentioned, that he wants to work and not take vacation (we were both on a get to know each other trip for 2 weeks), but I thought, he is just goal-oriented person. Once we moved in togetehr fairly quick things changed. He became more short-tempered, occasionnaly saying rude words and blaming me in the moment. We dicussed these situations afterwords and he was apologetic, since he was saying that his parents were narcissistic and he learned some wrong coping mechanisms from them. He was becoming increasingly sensetive and could get offended with or without a visible reason, could not explain his emotions straight away and needed few days of silence. We started with 2 days of silence, than 4, than 1 week. At the end we did not talk properly for 1,5 months. He said, he needed time to recover, since I constantly try to make him to talk. I tried to respect his time, but at the end I exploded and said, that I can not longer give him time and need him to talk. Our agrgument escalated and he moved out. In the course of our arguments he was emotionally and physcially violent (these both things also escalated over time). I still try to process this situation as it happened a little bit over a week ago. From one side I miss him and still cannot get away from the feelings, that I have to him, from the other side this situation was taking all of my emotional strenght and prolonged periods of silence, where he blames me for my mistakes, are so difficult, especially, if they reoccur almost every week and if you live in the same apartment. Along the way he was officially diagnosed with Asperger, but he does not see the need to go for therapy. It is not his prioroty. Now I am questionning myself: either I was not able to give him enough time to recover or I should have just left earlier to save myself from pain?


Molly
10:18 AM
Tue 16th Jun, 2020

Katie, yes it gets worse over time. I’m so exhausted from my marriage to my ASD husband. He’s officially diagnosed by many health professionals. He doesn’t like to accept he’s on the spectrum. Everything is always my fault. I just don’t care anymore. I have become a numb person.


Katie
6:44 AM
Tue 16th Jun, 2020

Sorry for the multiple posts, but I'm glad to hear that I'm not alone in this. Living with someone that refuses to get diagnosed is living hell. It's never his problem and my tears/anxiety attacks mean nothing to him. No empathy whatsoever. Countless arguments day after day are purely exhausting to me as I'm not really one to argue, yet he loves to start them constantly..whether it's with his constant criticism of me, or his "butthurt" feelings. Does Asperger's worsen over time is my question...


Katie
5:30 AM
Tue 16th Jun, 2020

So thankful I stumbled onto this site as I've been going absolutely crazy with anxiety the last few days with my husband's undiagnosed Asperger's. Thank you for sharing your stories, as they soo hit home with me!! We've been married 8 years; him being just awesome the two years before we were married. Day after we were married he became a completely different person. Very OCD and extremely territorial. His cupboards/my cupboards..his vacuum cleaner/my vacuum cleaner, etc. Even the garage is HIS territory and how dare I store any of MY things in it; as he'll go so far as to take it out and toss it somewhere just to make his point. I misuse everything and can never do anything correctly in his book. He'll spend hours vacuuming the carpets until the fibers practically come up. How dare I do dishes as he'll take everything out and rewash it. He wants me to cook, but when I do..it's not what he wants so he makes his own. I've sort of given up in all "housewife" depts., as he'll find something wrong with it. Sex is a thing of the past..can't remember the last time. Even cuddling is out of his realm..he likes his back rubbed..but returning the favor..NOPE. Hugs and kisses are rare. Tried talking face to face with him one time and he couldn't do it. Tried him standing in front of me and holding me..he couldn't do that either. Constantly pets the dogs though..CONSTANTLY!!! Can't stand any sort of ceiling fans running either, and has gone so far as to take the "pulls" off them so I can't start them, as they're too noisy. He hates any sort of noise and is constantly "shushing" me. Never into any sort of conversation with me completely..always staring at his cell phone; telling me he's listening, but really isn't. I can tell him to please pick up his dirty clothes (as he won't let ME do it)..and takes them to the laundry mat..I don't do them well enough/he doesn't like the smell of the laundry detergent I use as it's too overwhelming for him. Everything scented I buy has to be with his approval or he'll toss it in the garbage. He hates change and has to do the same things day in and day out. An outing means either going to the grocery store, Menard's or Fleet Farm...anything else he has no patience for. Doesn't understand when I'm kidding around with him and gets highly offended most times. He gets especially "hot under the collar" if I ask him nicely to do something..and get frustrated with him when he doesn't. That's when he puts on his, "I'm sick of you always telling me what I'm doing wrong" attitude...and will pout for DAYS!! He's super sensitive and thin skinned as ever!! Can't understand when I'm merely kidding, etc. He has absolutely no filter oftentimes when it comes to my family and has made several uncalled for comments..which hurt my feelings. No apologies whatsoever as he's always right..and what he said was true. Again, no empathy, no consideration for other's feelings. He also has a slight drinking issue and stinks to high heaven of beer and cigarettes some nights when he comes to bed. Ask him nicely if he could please sleep in the spare bedroom those nights. Which brings me to the reason for my hopefully not too long post. His feeling are hurt because I asked him to please pick up after himself. He hasn't talked to me in days so we've been practicing "social distancing"..as he's still on the "me telling him everything he does wrong bandwagon" In addition to that, he's completely negative about anything and rarely gives me a compliment...if ever. I've talked to my counselor about this and he told me that while I'd like to write him off as a total jerk..while he's never met him, he shows all the symptoms of Adult Aspergers. His closet is full of all the same shirts in different colors, can't stand the feel of certain fabrics; is super sensitive..not being able to pick up on sarcasm, etc. All the symptoms are there, yet my husband refuses to get help..along with medications for it. This is his 4th marriage, as others left for the same reason..one ex saying that she got more attention from a paper bag. Thanks so much for reading this super long post and again, so glad I found this site and read what the rest of you are going through. Doesn't make me feel so alone anymore.


Eileen
8:19 AM
Mon 15th Jun, 2020

This site helped me so much in deciding to end my relationship with my suspected Aspie partner. It all came to a head when he stated that my tears meant nothing to him and that I was entitled for asking for a little more thoughtfulness. I spent this whole quarantine cooking and cleaning for him after losing my job. I was still paying my own bills. Please believe me when I say they do not care. They will leave their messes everywhere and indulge in their special hobby with no thought for the people around them. Please love yourself enough to get out of this relationship. Maybe therapy can help them but they need to realize that they need help instead of accusing you of being the problem for having emotions.


Sharon
7:38 AM
Mon 15th Jun, 2020

I am so exhausted. I sleep to get a break from him. He only says my name when he wants something so I cringe at my name. He pets and scratches me the same as our dog. He watches as I carry and drop things and tells me I dropped something. I have to ask for almost everything. Move over so I can walk past. Close the door. He is the most unengaged person I know in a home environment but is brilliant at work. He stares excessively at me without talking and names objects as though identifying pictures in a preschool reader. “You have on your green earrings.” Ah yes indeed I do- is this fact naming his form of complimenting or conversation starting? I don’t try to fill in the conversations anymore to try to make this normal. Yup, green earrings today. He spends almost all of his non-work hours reading, on the computer, tv, radio in his constant quest to amass more facts and information. I used to wonder what his “special interest” was- it seemed like he knows everything about everything. I guess his interest is data collection. His most common response to anything I say, if he responds at all is “Oh yeah?” Yeah actually, but I feel so stupid when I’m with him. Weekends are so hard since we are together (I go to work during the pandemic). I feel like I’ve had an emotional stroke by the time I escape to the office on Monday.


Amanda
10:44 AM
Sat 13th Jun, 2020

I write this as my husband and I have had our umpteenth fight this week. I'm so exhausted. Every cell in my body feels like it's storing frantic stress. I have constant anxiety due to my husband's Aspberger's, and it's only worsened during the pandemic. I'm constantly worried about saying or doing the wrong thing; will the food be cooked the way he wants? Is that glass or plate he's using clean enough? Will he spend 5 mins cleaning a fork that I've already cleaned? The list goes one. He was first diagnosed last fall at age 43 after a traumatic life accented by bullying and poverty (not his fault obv). He's a very talented writer and we met when I moved to CA 10 years. I sensed he was special, but also felt scared off and on by behaviors that alarmed me. A musician in a restaurant played at our table and he got livid that the guy was "hitting on" me. (He wasn't) We stayed a Motel 6 once and the 2 beds were very tiny, but he insisted that we sleep together; in the middle of the night, I was uncomfortable and switched to my own bed and he was very angry the next morning. I was scared, but I ignored it. This stuff went on for years until I finally told he needed to see a specialist because it wasn't just "depression" or "anxiety." And sure enough, he has autism. And the diagnosis has been both good and terrible. Some of the people he'd told don't believe me, so he's internalized that anger. He gets even more upset/reactionary and has meltdowns now. His OCD is out of control since COVID started; he won't let me pet our dog unless I wash my hands after. It goes on and on and on. And tonight he got livid that I asked him to save some potatoes for me because he thought I was trying to control how much he ate. I'm just so tired. Thank you for listening. xo


DIXIE
2:27 AM
Fri 12th Jun, 2020

First of all, thank you ever so much for this site. I could list all my husband's Aspie traits, but thy have been listed by others. I have been with him 30 years and just learned about Aspergers 2 years ago. We have 2 daughters who are educate and now live 3,000 miles away. My husband has been retired for 3 years and it has become unbearable, but others on this site know that. The Groundhog days are all the same. The sex stopped about 2 weeks after the honeymoon. Lucky if it was 3 times a year. The first time I discovered something was wrong with him was one day he tried to prove we still had passion in our marriage and kissed me spontaneously with a long kiss. I opened my eyes and saw him making a face as though he had just drunk vinegar. That's when I knew it was staged. I want to touch on something that is NOT discussed her much. How aspies are really clueless about disciplining children. They over indulge and don't inform their mates of what the child has done and refuse to punish. Each time I would try to ground my children, my husband would take it away 10 min. later. They are sneaky also. My daughter went to an Army base to supposedly 'visit' her fiancé. She married him and came home for a month until she could join him. I did not know she had actually eloped but my husband did! When I asked him when he was going to inform me, his answer was " In several months when they got settled in another State! The sneakiness continued when his Mom died and he flew across country to be there. He inherited a lot of money and we had some debt. He said he got nothing and ended up feeling guilty and told me a year later. My daughter who eloped has not spoken to me in 8 years, but calls her Dad twice weekly. My other daughter is okay and very close to me. I worked as a dog groomer for years and would come home exhausted daily. Not once did he offer me a glass of anything or ask how my day was. Only criticism. I was diagnosed with a rare cancer several years ago and I could swear I saw him smile when the doctor diagnosed me. That was most hurtful. I am not in a position to leave right now financially. We have gone on numerous vacations and he always finds a reason to argue with me, leave the hotel and take the tram or train around for the day. He also has a slight drinking problem. We went to Austria for a monthe 3 years ago and he fought in every town so he could take off by himself. So from now on I take vacations alone. I wish all of you luck deaing with an aspie as they not only distance themselves - but they brainwash your children against you. The act they put on as Prince Charming when you are dating them is amazing. They can't continue the act and always have to be right. They interrupt after several words also. They are always so full of anger. Again, thank you for this site.


Alex
6:04 PM
Thu 11th Jun, 2020

I have needed this for a while now. Not a place to seek understanding and solutions necessarily, but a place to share my exacerbations and frustrations. My boyfriend has always known he has Asperger's and has adapted brilliantly in many ways. So well, that I sometimes forget his brain operates very differently, and always will. I read books, do research, continue to attempt understanding, compassion and compromise regarding his being, yet it is very rarely reciprocated. Lockdown has been beyond difficult. At 30 years of age, my boyfriend spent the last 12 weeks 90% of the time playing games. Any attempt to motivate him in different - often necessary - directions, has been met with resistance, aggression and horrendous arguments. I don't know if I can always be the one to adapt to him, when I know he is capable yet so reluctant to adapt to me. We all have our issues, nuances and baggage. But he has yet to accept or attempt to understand his his diagnosis and learn new, more productive ways to coexist with others (not just me), and with reality. Though I love him, it is exhausting contending with someone so unwilling to open up, compromise, confront, understand, and empathize..


Jennifer
7:42 AM
Thu 11th Jun, 2020

In a time of social distancing I read stories about people quarantined at home...alone, and think, why can't that be me. For all intents and purposes I am alone, but I am with my husband, an aspie. Today I attempted to relay the importance of shared activities and bonding. More clearly, that when NTs share and activity they often discuss it afterwords as a form of bonding. As usual I was met with hostility for pointing out a shortcoming. I long for the days of conversation and bonding with a partner. I long for the days of discussion unmet with confrontation and rage. I long, I wait.


Michelle
10:10 PM
Wed 10th Jun, 2020

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories.... I come here when I feel like I’m loosing my mind. Someone mentioned the dog cuddling . I have that situation too. My boyfriend has an emotional support dog. What this dog really is is is wife. He snuggles her, pets her, had all kinds of nick names for her. She sleeps with us, goes everywhere with us.... I said, “ I can be your emotional support person”... she’s easy and asks nothing of me and doesn’t critique me. I am extremely respectful of his needs... I’ve been going to a Thearpist for 2 years who specializes in Asperger Syndrome. It’s a miracle I met her... back to the dog.... He just moved in a few months ago so I didn’t realize how much to dog would take over. I don’t like sleeping with a dog between us. It’s sounds crazy but I’m jealous of a damn dog. It’s like he’s having an emotional affair with her. He isn’t sexual but if I am lucky he might go for sex but only if we don’t disturb the dog... is he afraid she’s going to find out about me and break up with him? She’s a big dog.... I’ve been ripped into much of her care... that happened slowly because I was trying to impress him and show I “loved” her too... The latest is bringing her everywhere . I hate it with a passion. No escaping the dog. When we go out he gets busy doing something and hands me the leash and I’m stuck with a giant dog that has separation anxiety and goes insane until they are reunited. When I write this I see the complete disregard he has for me. He is so selfish. I’m so intertwined now... breaking up and moving on at 53. Yuck. A positive about him.... I don’t think he’s interested in other women... that’s what keeps me engaged... if you saw me you’d never think I would be second to a dog. I’m pretty, successful, fun and I’m told a catch... oh and dumb too... life is speeding by.


Roisin
2:42 AM
Wed 10th Jun, 2020

I also come to this site often - whenever I am experiencing painful flashbacks caused by my six year relationship with an Asperger's man. Recently, a participant here brought up the fact that her partner wasn't able to say her name. I experienced the same thing over the course of my relationship- he would often clear his throat, or cough, if he wanted to get my attention, but very, very rarely called me by name- why is that? We lived together for three years of our six together, and it was so odd. Anyone able to offer clarification? We were once at the beach, and I was ordering some smoothies, and he was several feet behind me and needed to say something and actually spoke my name in a rather loud voice, and I jumped out of my skin hearing that! I would question him about this, and he denied that he had trouble saying my name, gaslighting me! He would also watch me struggling with things, such as carrying a heavy bicycle downstairs, and would stare as I struggled, but had he witnessed the same situation with a neighbor, he would have been the very first to sweetly offer assistance -- so weird!


Bridgette
4:35 AM
Sun 7th Jun, 2020

Thank you all for your testimonials. I will not go into the very long list of issues I've experienced and continue to experience with my suspected aspie at this time but plan to in the future. Just want to thank each and everyone of you for the strange bittersweet comfort reading problems that I've either experienced or can relate to. Thanks again for taking time out to express yourselves and your lives, it is a help in times of trouble. Take care. God Bless you all.


Cassandra
6:21 PM
Sat 6th Jun, 2020

Hi everybody, its been so nice to read all your stories. Its so nice to know I'm not crazy and that I am not alone. The strangest thing is that in the beginning when we were dating i saw signs that i thought was peculiar. I noticed a little stutter when he was explaining something he had a lot of knowledge in. A little jaw clenching tic. A lot of pausing, like trying to assess the situation etc. And i thought it was a sign of low confidence and or just a little weird nerdy behavior. And i am to emotional a person who tries hard to not make anyone uncomfortable, and i have come to realize after some time that i am also really scared of being rejected and not being good enough ( low selv esteem). Which goes well with an asperger partner.. He didn't answer my questions when i confronted him with his behavior, he would ghost me, and i coundnt make sense of it in my mind. He was so nice and kind when we were together but would also make huge decisions without conferring with me (like moving abroad). I think i might be overly attached and obsessive because i always kept coming back, he ghosted me when he didn't wanted to answer my questions, he would either manipulate me or just talk me around when explaining his side of things. I became very depressed. And it was so difficult to understand why or how i felt, because there was no one thing he did. He was kind on the phone asked questions and listened, but i never felt like we were a team. He didn't share important things or just things thru out the day that he just really wanted me to see or know about. Texts always seemed to follow a pattern, phone calls too. Lack of spontinaety. I remember saying that out of all my previous boyfriends i felt nobody had cared so little about me as he did. i think it is really strange he didn't tell me about who he is, or maybe he did, i just didn't know how to link the pieces. He did say he didn't act on emotions but would use logic. His aversion of certain foods and smells or tastes. I believe my boyfriend is not of the worst ones out there, he would do most everything i asked him to. If i told him i was upset he would listen. I guess if i told him to compliment me he would probably do it. Its just that I'm not that confident, and or need an emotional being to sense and see and understand, or would need to know that `this person does not understand these things for themselves so you have to ask for everything`. I dont know the whole experience has been totally mindfuck. I'm not sure i would say i have cassandra syndrome, but i score very high on not feeling loved, cared for, understood, connected, seen and heard. It has lifted a ton of weight of my shoulders to understand its not me being unworthy, or not good enough. i really tried, maybe even too much. I wish they could embrace their `diagnosis`and either up their game in masking or stop the mimicking and learned behavior. Its very confusing. with openness it is easier for both to know how to meet on which grounds. Therapy is also a must.


Lee
11:15 AM
Fri 5th Jun, 2020

Seven years with a sweet man who is completely checked out; three of them married (my second marriage, his third). He is not the adventuresome, easy-going man I dated. The real person emerged when he moved in, shortly before marriage. His traits: --High anxiety --Complete aversion to heat (kills any outdoor activity from May-September) --Complete aversion/avoidance of humidity...heat and humidity together is abhorrent to him (no tropical vacations) --Highly structured routine is essential; travel is a nightmare --Chronic insomniac (perpetually low energy) --2nd shift (4:30 pm to 1:30 am and later) worker by choice...has tanked two previous marriages, because he is either at work or asleep (or trying to sleep). -----Very loathe to change his shift to accommodate marriage. --Clothes are baggy and scruffy; usually ungroomed. Clothes that actually fit are too suffocating. Zero concern about appearance. --Separate bedrooms for us, because he cannot sleep in same room as me. His startle reflex is more intense than a newborn's. --Doesn't like to be touched, so no cuddling. --Will eat same food for days on end. --Avoids conflict (or even normal marital discussions) at all costs; claims physical illness when I try to engage him in a calm a state of the union-type talk, says he's nauseous and has a headache and goes to bed, sometimes crying like a toddler. So unglued, he may call off work the next day. This effectively makes me walk on eggshells. --Flat personality, unless he is focused on his interests: horror movies, Buffy, Crime shows, aliens and heavy metal. Then he shows enthusiasm. I have zero interest in those things. --Fixates on projects at complete expense of time with me: spent every minute of free time (when not horizontal on couch) for a year building an electronic pinball machine. I admire the skill it took, but it occupied way too much time. Previous projects, same thing. --Accuses me of being self-centered, which could now, sadly, be true. I'm alone in this relationship, but sometimes think I'm overreacting and the one with the issue. Almost feels like I've been gas-lighted.. --If I step back and look at us from a distance, we are housemates who live completely separate lives with very little interaction. Thank God I do have a great one with my kids and friends. --He has to be programmed to participate in life outside his head. --Doesn't like to socialize or make the effort. He once told me he doesn't talk to new people at parties, because why make the effort if he won't see them again. --And on and on. And yet, like others, I am hesitant to leave. Although, based on his two, short-lived previous marriages, he would likely unemotionally wipe me out of his life. Past, done, no return.. He is a gentle, fragile man with a huge heart, but he lives in a world that is very nearly closed to anyone but himself. We are both in our 50s, so energy, adventure and a balanced relationship are all there for the taking. He has not been formally diagnosed as on the Spectrum, but is resistant to seeking help and very set in his ways. Thankfully, he is not mean. How did I MARRY this man?! He was a totally different animal in our courtship and I was too unfamiliar with autism to tune in to behavior that was off.


Gunta
2:38 AM
Fri 5th Jun, 2020

I am so grateful that I found this site. It validates how I feel and what I have been going through. My brother has Asperger’s. But we didn’t know that until about 4 years ago. He knows it cannot be “fixed”. It’s hard for him to accept this so we don't mention it by name or talk about it at all. We just deal. I’ve always suspected though, since we were young, that something was wrong, but there were no answers back then. So I have had a lifetime of the dark side of him, and we’re both mature adults, so that’s a lot of pain and misunderstanding on both sides here to deal with and get over. I usually was his main target. What made it worse was when long before this diagnosis, I was worried for my mother. He couldn’t live on his own so he ended up moving back into the family home and was now under her care. She didn’t have a clue what to do back then. I didn’t either. I had to move back in because the rest of my family had turned a blind eye to what was happening in the house as my mother couldn’t handle him. She was also in denial about any mental disability. These testimonials just underline what I’ve learned over those years, about what living with an Asperger’s person is all about. My mother is gone now, its been over a year, and my brother lives with me because he can’t be on his own. So I keep researching everything and I’ve reached out and shared my life with friends who have turned out to be of a great source of help. I had no idea there were so many of us going through the same thing, with a daughter or a son or a sibling with Asperger’s. It’s been eye opening. But it certainly doesn’t make this any better because I also know that it’s not a real relationship he and I have. He feels, yes. He cares too, but, he can’t interact with me and I can’t try to interact with him. I have to keep trying to keep it to yes, no, ok. And we’re still in the trust establishing phase so I find myself walking around every day on eggshells, afraid of the next outburst. They’re getting fewer now but they’ll obviously always be a regular occurrence. I know that. But what keeps me sane is that I’ve been so lucky to have learnt so many things from my friends on how to manage the outbursts, about how to recognize what his triggers are, but most of all how to communicate with him. What keeps me sane too is keeping in mind what from my friends have drilled into me: that I have to ignore what he yells out at me. If I keep reminding myself not to take anything personally, it works. He calms down. As I see it, if we’re living together I have to see if I can improve my reality. When I saw the play a couple of years ago, “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night”, based on a book written by an autistic boy which a friend of mine who is a teacher recommended I see, it showed me what goes on in their brains all of the time. I cried for weeks after I saw that. I came to a different perspective on things. It changed me in so many ways. As I see it now, all he’s ever done is coped the best he could. I am here to take care of him and I will never abandon him. He relies on me. He’s got nowhere else to go. I’m his safety net in so many different ways. Yes, it’s a very lonely life with him but what I have to be thankful for is that I have a life of my own and good friends who make all of this easier to deal with. And they like him too. He can be a sociable, gentle and considerate person. I’m not tied to my brother out of guilt. I like having him around when things are good. And I know he’s ok if he’s with me. I’m with him because he’s my sibling. I’m ok with being with him. But I never thought my life would look like this.


Sarah
11:29 AM
Thu 4th Jun, 2020

Well what can I say 11 years with my husband ha been tough but only worsened since we got married now he is settled with me he doesn’t seem to care no emotion lack of sex and lack of intimacy would rather cuddle our dog than me struggles with emotion but not with the dogs something i can’t get my head around. He came n tonight no cuddle for me just the dog... goes to bed and sleeps practically miles away from me ... I’m done and came to sleep In the other room I’m so upset hurt and angry and can’t deal with it any more it’s not me I want someone that shows me love not just says it because they feel they have to. My plan is In the next two years to move out and start my life again once I Have saved enough money we all need love no more am I trying


Nichole
10:02 AM
Thu 4th Jun, 2020

Today I woke up and broke things off with the man I wanted to share my life with, share my memories with the man I thought I could marry one day. My life is shattered. I have realized that this man is not for me and it hurts my heart so bad. I loved him, I still do with all my heart but I can only take some much rejection and feeling like I have to wait my turn for attention. I have tried to hard to make it work, because I really wanted it to! I would give him his space when he was overstimulated, I wouldn't call or text or come over for days just so he could have his alone time. I would sit with him when I came over and get interested in his games and shows that he liked and I even got really close with his cats...It hurts because I feel that no matter what I tried and what I do I will never be good enough. My partner has aspergers...I am not saying this name is not amazing, has good intellect, charming, caring, and very good looking because he has ALL of that. He just could never understand why I needed attention, affection, connection...He never understood why He would go spend time with his neighbors or friends and when I asked to talk or come over he was wore out and needed time alone. He would not hold a conversation with me for days, or ask how I was or what is going on in life, ever. (We do not live togehter) I felt like he never really cared what I was doing in my life or if he even cared I was his girlfriend. We have got into arguments and he told me "I am build to be alone, I do not need anyone." or "You have to learn not to give a shit" It really hurt because I am over here completely heart broken and he is at home, in front of his TV just playing video games as if he is right to back to where he was before he even got with me...I really hope that I can move on and learn from this, It was a really rocky relationship and I love him with every inch of my being but sometimes that is not enough. I come to this site and read all your testimonials and it gives me comfort knowing that there are people out there that know what I am talking about and that I am not crazy, thank you!


Bonnie
9:16 PM
Wed 3rd Jun, 2020

I married my best friend but I actually resent him as my partner !! There is no sexual disires / no intimacy. 13yrs later ,2kids, we just got married back in Jan. I feel I've made a huge mistake. There is no effort on his side what so ever and I feel we are two total different people. Usually one sided ,and when I try to explain my feelings it ends in a huge argument. I cant imagine a lifetime of not getting what I need both sexually and mentally from him. I thought we would fall in love all over again, struggle to keep our hands of each other , but instead its gone south more then prior to the wedding. I feel trapped and pissed off at him constantly and I'm sick of rejection. There is nowhere for either of us to go and when I try to talk about our issues he says to me well you know where the door is, I mean I have nowhere to go and he knows that!! This is four months after a wedding. I try so hard with him. I'm kidding myself .


Donna
10:29 PM
Sat 30th May, 2020

Boy, I don't even know where to begin. I've been with my husband for 20 years. I attributed his quirkiness to just being him. In the beginning it wasn't as noticeable because I didn't understand what aspbergers was. I've spent the last 15 years being rejected, not getting emotion or love. He has cared about me so that's what has kept me going. He talks over me, interrupts and will think what he has to say is more important than anything you're saying. Has not participated with me and my family. Hides downstairs if they come over, non social. Corrects people, and is extremely intelligent. Remembers facts and details from 10 years ago but doesn't recall where he put something away 2 days ago. He gets off on nurturing and doing. So all of my friends think he is amazing, you are so lucky they say. He thrives on their attention. He has a need to do it to the point of annoyance if that makes sense. I was rejected for 10 years sexually and emotionally by him. When I asked many times over the years he never wanted to discuss, avoided confrontation at all costs. It took 15 years of prodding to finally discover that he didn't like how stressed I was from work, that he wasn't attracted to me because I was not "happy" and and brought it home. In my defense I had an extremely stressful sales job with high budgets to achieve and poor management. If I had known that my venting or frustration was such an issue I would have stopped or dealt with it. He cannot discuss problems, issues, intimacy, or anything relationship related. He was a good father to my daughter but a terrible partner. The only real friends he has are mine. He's socially awkward and not fun. Most people think he's arrogant and narcissistic which he is. I've felt mentally abused and neglected for 15 years. I blamed myself. The last 5 years have been so lonely. We essentially live as roommates, have separate bedrooms. He doesn't have hobbies except golf and has never wanted to travel, outdoor fun, boating, or do anything that I want to do. I could spend an entire message on travel nightmares that was like taking a toddler. I've given up things that used to be fun to me but am now starting to do them again either alone or with friends. We have evolved into 2 separate lives. I've had my own business, the past 6 years. The first 10 years together I was self sufficient, made six figures, raised a daughter from a previous marriage. Now I depend on him for health insurance and financial support, especially through this pandemic. I lack companionship, sex, intimacy, and I have never felt supported or safe. When I've tried to share emotions or discuss concerns he can't comprehend what I am going through. His answers have always been antiseptic or matter of fact. He's always had the need for female attention. I found out a few months ago that he's been sexting and meeting another woman for the past 4 years. He lies, he deflects. 10 years of rejection and no sex I didn't cheat. I could leave but I'd lose my business, home, financial security, we've been living as roommates for so many years not much would change. I've considered and we've discussed an open marriage and am working with a therapist to see if I can do that. It's actually a relief that he is chatting with other women because I have no interest in his facts and small talk about politics or news reports. He's not capable of understanding any emotion that I have, and acts like nothing is different. He doesn't get the betrayal and emptiness that he caused me. His infidelity is new to me, still trying how to deal with that along with deciding if I can live my life here in this house and continue sorting it all out. Any sort of leaving plan is not possible because of Covid-19. The hardest part is knowing that he has lied and will likely continue to do so. I am not in love with him but we have 20 years together and it might be possible to cohabit. I'm in my 50's he is turning 60. I'm outgoing, in decent shape and young at heart, he's turning into an old man with no energy and has let himself go. I used to feel trapped but now I realize I am making a choice just not sure if I can live with it yet. Time will tell. I can still do whatever I want and have someone to do dinner with when I want, and help around the house. I don't know if that sounds weird but it's my reality for now.


Kay
4:28 PM
Fri 29th May, 2020

I have been trying to recover from the split with my ex with whom I have shared a very confusing relationship. I sometimes find myself placing him in neurotypical light and often wonder what is wrong with me that made me so undesirable for him as a partner but then I come back on this website and feel like I'm reading my own relationship and everyone is describing us! He has not disclosed aspergers status with me, but I highly suspect and I would not be surprised if he knows/has been diagnosed and decided not to tell me. He's not a mean man he honestly tries daily to be the best human he can be which is what I found so attractive. In the beginning, he was great. However, our brains work very differently and he began to settle into our relationship. It was like he followed a script when he spoke. Awkwardness was not an issue for him, not at all. At first I thought it was because he was bada$$ and didn't care what people thought. I think what it really was was that he did care, but was unaware about many aspects of his behaviour. He couldn't remember my birthday or what I said the day before but his memory in his field of interest is incredible. He'd avoid saying my name and seemed to avoid the things, purposely, that would mean the most to me. He was monogamous until he decided he wasn't. I felt like he was light years away some days when we sat next to each other. His "I love you"s felt flat when he said it and he couldn't look into my eyes during sex. At the end, I felt like nothing to him and when we broke up I imagined him going home and turning on a sports game that evening like nothing happened. It's a surprise he remembers who I am, I now feel at the level of possibly a classmate of his from 5th grade. I feel insignificant and like our relationship was nothing to him. I've been discarded before, but this experience has been on a different level completely. I often feel like the joke's on me and it wasn't really a relationship at all. I can take quirks and awkwardness, but behavior that I interpret as an indication that I mean nothing to the man I adore is too much for my heart to handle. Perhaps if we had a program to follow on communication we could have made it work, if he wanted to, but I will never know what he really wanted because either it is meaningless to him or it's all a big secret. My heart goes out to all of you on here, I am heeding the advice of many of you and continue to move on, which I've been doing, but I'm hoping to one day be able to let it go completely. What I really wished is that he was someone he is not, and I am trying to accept the fact that I am not the type of woman who can build a successful relationship with this type of man. He isn't horrible, he does human things and sometimes he makes mistakes. He is unique, can be funny in a dry way and is a functional member of society with some interesting quirks. I still marvel at some parts of who he is, but I guess he wasn't created for me, and that breaks my heart.


Kathie
12:21 AM
Fri 29th May, 2020

I was feeling so overwhelmed with sadness about my relationship with my Christian husband of 43 years. Just reading some of your testimonials has been reassuring. How has this happened in my marriage? My husband is capable of having empathy for others, but not for me. He tells me how I hurt his feelings but has no understanding about how he has hurt me. Things have been very challenging in our marriage for over 15 years when his emotional abuse towards me began. He just doesn’t understand nor does it seem he cares to understand. When I talk to him about how he has hurt me in our marriage he seems to not care and blame shifts . He finds ways to make me look like I’m wearing the black hat and he is wearing the white hat. He doesn’t care to understand all the damage that has happened in my emotional life, my self esteem , self confidence and my sensitive heart. He has not been officially diagnosed but our eldest son went on a marriage conference with his wife and called my husband and shared his thoughts in a very beautiful, powerful way first telling my my husband and his dad all the outstanding strengths and personal qualities he has and then transitioned into tellinG him that he thinks he has ASD. As he was talking with my husband and his dad he said that “ spouses in relationships with people with ASD experience PTSD!” My heart stopped! What our son said was so right on! How is it that I’ve been so misunderstood by my adult children, my husband and those who admire him as he is a different person with everyone but me. I’m glad I found this site ! As I read your testimony’s it is making so much sense about how I feel. I was just in tears this morning thinking about how alone I feel in my marriage which has heightened during this time of self sheltering where my life is lived out being with just him. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do in this site, but I’m going to try and post my feelings hoping that you can respond to my post and I can respond to your posts and validate what you are feeling as you’ve written your post. I’m sure that He led me to this site and this group. All of you are in my heart and prayers for all the pain you are experiencing. Thank you for listening!


DnH
7:22 AM
Wed 27th May, 2020

Was in a relationship for nearly two years with an undiagnosed HFA after leaving a highly abusive narcissistic husband. Yes, I am a glutton for punishment! Didn't recognise the HFA signs initially. Thought he was quirky and he was so different to my ex in some ways, I was deluded. The HFA was extraordinarily musically talented, self taught and could play piano, guitar, drums. I thought the scruffy clothes were part of the musician persona. Wrong, he just wanted to wear his clothes to death because they were comfortable. Fixated on food, didn't remember or care about my birthdays, texted rarely, almost newer phoned. Then I noted the inflexible routines, the puerile sense of humour, the obsessions with porn, video games, his old band from High School, particular foods. He wouldn't eat my perfectly fine cooking. He didn't support me when I was going through reactions to the trauma from escaping from my ex. He frequently weaselled large sums of money out of me to buy musical instruments and reciprocated with bad sex always done in a particular way with no intimacy. All of his interactions with me were stagey in hindsight. He openly gawked at other women when we were out.(I know normal men look however this was blatant.) That blank stare! When I turned up he wouldn't act pleased to see me. He placed me in several risky situations. So glad to be out. I cut all contact, blocked him from my phone and avoid going where I might run across him.


Alice
4:45 AM
Wed 27th May, 2020

I don’t know where to start. I feel like I’m going crazy, my partner with Aspergers is incessantly on top of me, telling me what I’ve done wrong, criticizing me, demanding things. I feel like I can’t stand another moment of this. I don’t have a single moment where I’m not being completely overloaded with criticism, information or something else. I’m exhausted from trying to please my partner to try to calm the situation and have a moment of peace. There’s very little to no consideration of my needs. I can’t leave for various reasons, and I feel so desperate and down. Everyone I’ve told said his behavior is abusive, and I completely agree. I hate him for what he’s done to me. I’m hyper anxious, sad and depressed and definitely wasn’t like this before I met him. This site makes me feel less alone and reminds me I’m not crazy or imagining things. I can’t describe the situation as clearly as others on this site do, but suffice to say I agree with them and I feel so terribly sad for all of us. What does it take to lead a happy life? I feel a combination of numbness and despair as I witness all of the normal couples out there, supporting one another and living mostly harmoniously, at least reasonably, at a minimum. It feels so far away and impossible that I can’t even imagine what their lives must feel like, secure in each other’s love. My partner is constantly taking away love and affection, doling it out in small doses to pacify me after his horrendous behavior. Praying for all of us, lots of love to each of you out there suffering.


Molly
6:05 AM
Tue 26th May, 2020

This site has saved my life. When feeling especially depressed, I read it, and it encourages me to keep trying to get out of my marriage to a man with diagnosed Autism Spectrum Disorder, formerly referred to as Aspberger’s. He is high functioning and is very gifted in a couple areas. He has a career to be proud of. He is handsome and fit. On the outside, we are a good-looking couple and look like we have a nice life. In reality, I’m miserable. We have been married 20 years. I always knew he was different, but not until later was he diagnosed after he was fired from his job due to his miscommunications and lack of social skills. I have lived through a marriage of isolation, personal put downs, being dismissed and ignored, and treated with general disregard. My children are all close to me. They want me to leave. They say he’s emotionally abusive. I am working on getting a career established, and it’s hard when in your 40s and exhausted from this marriage and raising a family. I strongly advise anyone considering marriage to a partner ASD, don’t...just don’t. You will regret it.


TK
3:05 AM
Mon 25th May, 2020

The hardest part of a relationship with an aspie is that they flip so quickly between being caring and then insanely cold and insulting. I still get sick inside that this person I loved could be hurtful in a way that will affect me for life. He would never go to counseling but made me feel like I had to. Once he decided he was done, he insulted everything about me until I felt like I wanted to die. I still have feelings for him but he never would compromise, just leave and then shut down. I would hear nothing from him unless I approached him. I still get sick inside when I think about it. I just felt so lied to and spent three years trying to reach someone totally unavailable. Everyone tells me I missed a bullet but I cannot believe how stupid I was and how I let someone into my life that I meant nothing to. He simply moved on without a word and is totally happy. I hate that I was so gullible. Not really a lesson I needed to learn and I will never be the same as I was.


Kitty
7:15 AM
Fri 22nd May, 2020

I read somewhere in these testimonials that dating an aspie is like having a thousand paper cuts. Yet unlike paper cuts, the emotional wounds from my 6 month relationship with an aspie is going to take a lot longer to heal. In that short time, he practically destroyed my self-esteem, and the cognitive dissonance from the gaslighting, along with a complete lack of closure has broken me. When he told me on our first date that he was an aspie, I wasn’t actually concerned, because he is quirky, charming, intellectual, has an endearing stutter when he’s nervous, and is physically beautiful. In so many ways a dream guy. And yet I should have been asking questions, such as, why hasn’t this man in his 40s, who still lives at home with his 80-year-old parents, not managed to save any money when he works so hard 6 days a week? Or, why can’t he remember anything from one day to the next, and yet can remember every boring verse of an impressive range of 19th/20th century poems? Why does he talk over the top of me? Why does it sound like he’s repeating a script endlessly? Why does he leave things in weird place, forget where he has put them and then accuses other people of stealing them? And why will he only discuss subjects that interest him? In the bedroom it was even weirder. He couldn’t have eye contact, would always cover up his body because he was so self-conscious, would only do missionary like he was mechanically programmed, involving no caressing, kissing or intimacy. It was relentless; like the pink rabbit toy that advertises batteries. He never climaxed, ever. He would say the same thing over and over again ‘Is it good for you baby’ without any emotion or connection with me. He would try other positions and yet was obsessed with porn (he could climax to that) and once said that one woman ‘at home’ could never compete with the endless simulacra of images available online. He couldn’t understand why this statement was hurtful because he was proud of his porn obsession (it was one of his special interests). He also fantasised about having a much younger girlfriend. Despite all this he asked me to marry him and constantly told me he loved me. It was at this point I had to put an end to the cognitive dissonance. It was driving me crazy (he told me all his ex girlfriends were crazy. I could see why). By the end of our six month relationship he didn’t know my surname, the month of my birthday, the name of my ex boyfriend who I was with for 13 years, or whether my parents were still alive. It turned out that he also had another woman on the go—an older woman who was married. He didn’t love her either; in fact he was brutal about her. When I dumped him by text, he called me, not to attempt to salvage our relationship, but to discuss the syntax of my text: the verbosity and word structure. It completed the farce; which frankly felt like a black comedy. Since lockdown I haven’t heard from him. He probably doesn’t even know my name now.


Vivi
5:23 AM
Thu 21st May, 2020

Oh dear, reading all your posts just made me feel way better now! This lockdown is driving me crazy because I have always suspected my husband is autistic (some family members believe it too) and you can imagine how lonely I am feeling now! We both work from home but after we finish, he remains seated playing video games and watching movies alone (yes, he watches movies alone) until 10 or 11 while I have to clean up or cook. I am desperate because I am not sure if he is in the spectrum or he is just being an a*hole. Needless to mention when I talk about how I feel, he tells me that I need professional help. I didn't notice this that much because I usually have a social life surrounded by friends and family but during this lockdown I have noticed that we do not really have anything in common and I've been all by myself when it comes to take care of the house, making couple decisions about money and tasks that need to be done. To make it worse, whenever his family calls to see how we are doing, they keep on recommending me how to treat him or talk to him like we are talking about a baby rather than the 30 old man he is! I am lost here, I don't know if I am in a relationship or I became his mom, I don't know anymore! I feel emotionally deprived, needless to mention when was the last time we had any intimacy or at least a conversation, Can't recall the last time we cuddled to watch a movie, kissed or had any physical interaction that makes me feel his love, when I tell him about this, I can't help but cry only to be told that I should see a therapist, that's the only outcome he can come up with (he actually refuses to seek professional help). I feel guilty because I feel I am demanding too much while I also see my happiness dying slowly. Hope the lockdown is over soon to leave, I can't live like this anymore.


Robynne
3:21 AM
Wed 20th May, 2020

I came here so many times in the past when I've struggled with my relationship. My partner, who I've been with for 7 years, is undiagnosed but it's glaringly obvious he is on the spectrum. Both of his children are too, and every generation in his family has at least two people on it also. I've considered writing this time and time again, and goodness knows it would be so easy to bash a laundry list of pain and lonelines...but looking at our relationship I realised that as well as driving me insane he has also saved me. Do I feel acute loneliness? Yes, regularly. Rejection is something that clings to my very soul; any form of intimacy usually only comes about if I ask, there is no cuddles unless I'm visibly distressed to the point of breakdown, sex is one every few months if I'm lucky, and if I do ask for a hug usually one arm of his will dangle simply while the other makes a vague attempt at holding me. There are times where I get so angry at the unfairness of it all, especially when I know this isnt the man I fell in love with. He used to be so affectionate, crave me even. I've come to hate myself so deeply, constantly searching my brain why am i so undesirable. Then I remember, this is the man that saw I was broken when everybody else pretended not to notice. Who pushed to find the truth about my abusive childhood and trauma, and when the damn broke and I broke mentally he was the one who was the light at the end of what seemed like a never ending tunnel. He is the one who does things to make our house a home, who drives me to work and picks me up. The one who, even though he doesnt agree with a lot of my choices, will stand by me and push aside his own thoughts because he understands it is right for me. I love this man to my very core, and mostly it feels like we are incompatible in so many ways, but in truth what he brings to our relationship outweighs the negatives. He is loyal, he is considerate, he is caring, it simply is the fact that his brain is wired differently and he doesn't know how to convey that pure love the way us NT people


Sally
9:57 PM
Tue 19th May, 2020

I have been with my partner for 4 years but we were together before that - on, then off, then on again. We are now living together in his house, in his home town - a place I said I didn't want to live, with a relationship that has echoes of the past. I thought things had changed. We got back together because I wanted a baby. Guess who has put in the effort? Me. We still have no child and my heart breaks every month. I see myself in the mirror and wonder why, knowingly, and seemingly, blindly, I have made these decisions - moving country, giving up job, living in a place I don't want to, for love. For him. I see not much in return except now, living together, I am struck by the force of his routines, the tightness of it all, the lonliness I feel, the speaking to the back of his head, the silences, the arguments, the stress, the irresolvable hamster wheel of it all, again, and I feel my chest constricting - I felt this before, and my life dribbling away in a sea of lost hopes and dreams. But then I was in my late 30s. We'd been together on and off for 10 year by then. And it was me. I left. Moved country. Realised it couldn't work. Then I missed him, and here I am. 4 years later. No further forward. No child. No future with a man who can't. I can't believe I find myself here again and I chose to do this!! And for what??


Dorota
8:24 AM
Tue 19th May, 2020

Very grateful for finding this site, as I managed to make sense of the worst dating experience I've ever had. I met someone in isolation, and it turned out to be the most volatile and soul destroying experience. Good looking man, separated and a father of 2. Early on I realised he's wired differently (obsessive tidiness, aversion to certain smells like coffee and all aftershave) and we talked about what could be his emotional unavailability. It was very intense, talking for hours every day and he started love bombing me saying how much he loves me, sending many messages, recording loving voice notes. Hindsight is a wonderful thin, but at the time I was sure he was at least infatuated and very taken. He reassured me I had nothing to worry about, and want to grow. He made it very believable by telling me a lot about his life and sending videos of his kids, making plans, trying to get to know me. I got very emotionally involved and was very clear about how I feel about him- it was him who seemed to worry I won't like him! When we met he was kissing and touching me, he said he loved being with me. Few hours later he said he didn't know what he was getting himself into and it felt like being punched in the face. He simply said he only recorded and wrote those amazingly loving messages because it felt good at a time. He said it's ok, as women also told him things that weren't true. He used to joke I look cute. when im upset, and now I know he simply enjoyed being in control, not sure he enjoyed hurting me, I think he simply never cared, ZERO empathy. It is beyond my understanding why anyone would use another person for entertainment and validation. I have experience with covert narc who in comparison was rather mellow, this was different.... My mental health suffered, insomnia kicked in. His mask fell off so quickly and I know I should only be glad he dropped me so quickly, as logistics were not convenient for him and clearly reality didn't match the fantasy, he didn't like me that much physically to continue pretending. It's clear to me he picked up some ott behaviours faking emotions from TV. He even made himself look like a victim, telling me he found his wife exchanging messages with other men- well, I guess she felt very emotionally neglected! remembering his late nigh recoding with whispering voice telling me all those incredible things, it's sick. I never thought anyone is capable of such perfidious behaviour- he never even thought of me as a person, and I never imagined anyone can manipulate me so much. I'm wishing everyone here the best of luck in moving on, or if you are trying to improve your relationship, I hope you will succeed. Thank you all for sharing.


cdt
9:15 PM
Sat 16th May, 2020

Gosh, I wish I'd known about this site and the testimonials above before getting involved with my wife. It has felt like being on the receiving end of long term narcissism for nearly two decades. You will eventually feel suicidal because they will 'drip feed' just enough affection, or mimic it, to keep you hooked so you'll stay through the misery they are clever enough to inflict on you while acting a victim to everyone else. I know plenty of autistic people who are nice, or mean well, but they'll misinterpret what you said, tell people they 'have to walk on eggshells constantly' when nothing is wrong and etch out the context of your loving messages to them so they look horrific. Once you're isolated, they'll lash out at you verbally and physically, humiliate you. The affection will be withheld as a weapon, you'll want to die just to make it stop. If you suspect a person you are dating is autistic, they might turn out lovely, or your life will turn out to be a living hell that by the time you do something about, you will have wasted your best years. Equally plenty of people who are not autistic can be horrible, but if suspect you are about to enter a relationship with someone who is, think long and hard.


Dana
2:22 AM
Fri 15th May, 2020

We are now at a stage, after 27 years, where if I lose my temper or snap at him in any way there will be days , sometimes weeks, of silence punctuated only by the times he tells me the massive list of things that are wrong with me - I don't make him a priority ( possibly true sometimes - I have a job, 2 teenage children, A disabled brother and an elderly mother and grandmother that all need me too ), I don't care about him, he works like a slave for me an gets nothing ( apart from a fancy car, A motorbike, A couple of drones, gaming system..), today he's added a few jibes about my personal hygiene and appearance in for good measure. If I attempt to express any concerns about his behaviour he says I'm just looking for revenge or making stuff up, it's all in my head. We literally only have 2 states in this marriage- I am either the love of his life and he'd be lost without me; or I'm a lazy thoughtless, messy bastard who he doesn't see how he can have a future with. Walking on eggshell all the time has left me exhausted and empty. He is right when he says I have given up on myself. Even if I change all the things he listed today, the next time he will just find new faults. Right now , I feel nothing. If it wasn't for our children I would just walk out the door and vanish. For those of you who don't know the song, please listen to 'Perfect ' by Alanis Morrisette. It's about a difficult parent/ child relationship but so much of it will sound chillingly familiar to wives of Aspergers


Ben
9:04 PM
Thu 14th May, 2020

Aspie here: In regards to Dave, I think it's all about fitting in. Turn on any hallmark film or tv show, and you start to think that the single life is loneliness ane nothing more. I get attached quickly, but can let go of a person without much empathy if I grow bored. I've learned that my incompatibility is not indicative of a low self worth, but rather the inability to be something that I am not. I am not meant to be a father, not because fathers are superior beings, but because I lack the qualities needed to fill the role. None of my friends understand how I can be happy without love, and I'm starting to believe that I can't be, though I know it's an illusion. Regardless, I can't recommend that the NTs reading this should pursue aspies. It's not that we don't care, it's that we care in different ways (ways that do not meet acceptable standards). If you do try to make it work, just know that the communication barrier is inevitable. Do not be ashamed to say what you feel, I am not offended in the slightest. - Ben


Jill
7:34 AM
Sun 10th May, 2020

26 years of utter madness, heartbreak and confusion. Just starting to find who the hell I am after who I was was broken by the man who blankly looked on, blaming me or being clueless. Get out as soon as you can while you have yourself intact. I thought he was a Covert Narc but finding this site and others this evening I believe he is AS undiagnosed. I had my suspicions but searching around nothing spoke of my experience which are replicated many times over. My daughter has several symptoms and I am utterly heartbroken. Having experienced this living hell for most of my adult years others need to be educated on the torment and way we become hostages.


Paula
12:59 AM
Sun 10th May, 2020

Hi everyone thank you for submitting your testimonials . It helps to know we are not alone. I am writing today because I am wondering if anyone else struggles with the rage of the unfairness of it all. Yesterday I brought the dog to the vet ,an appointment I made because my separated husband wouldn't call. The dog is his primary source of emotional connection and lives with him. When I arrived to the house to pick up the dog there was a full page of observations and concerns for me to give to the vet. My eyes filled up reading this because I remember finding out my middle daughter had cut herself one time and when I told him he said nothing and never asked again. There is only one friend who gets it. My extended family sees a nice guy who helps out. I struggle with where to draw the line, compassion for him and compassion for myself. The path forward is not as clear as if there was an addiction or moral lapse that he refused to address. I have one possibly two young adult children displaying some AS tendencies and I worry about how they would perceive my rejection of him. So yes I have rage at the unfairness of it all. I was such a romantic when I met him and now my predominant feeling is loneliness.


RoseR
9:39 AM
Tue 5th May, 2020

What a relief to find this website. It's quite funny how I ended up here. Relatively recently I dated someone on the spectrum (not formally diagnosed, but I would bet every coin I have earned that he was. Everyone else knew it too). Very nice guy, but my God the amount of emotional turmoil that relationship caused me. I felt so invalidated, clingy, insane, and overall, emotionally-deprived. Days without texting or calling. Seeming distant and irritated. Awkward public moments. We were on completely different wavelengths, and I had the courage and self-awareness that this would not last long term, so I ended it. The pain was horrible; he was so different from any guy I had dated, so innocent and sweet, beautiful as anything, yet I couldn't get over the fact that none of my emotional or social needs were being met. I would cringe in public at things he would say, and then brush it off as 'aww it's cute he doesn't care what people think'. It's some serious cognitive dissonance for anyone who has experienced it! Anyways, months and now years later and I am still slightly traumatized by how crazy I was made to feel. Not by him directly, like I said he was a very sweet and gentle guy, but by his actions. It's crazy, since learning more about Asperger's, I have come to realize that it was likely the culprit behind a traumatizing life event I had early in life. One of my best friends (girl) in middle school completely dropped me as friend completely out of the blue. I could not tell you why, for the life of me. She would say very rude things to me, made me feel stupid, every thing I said she would point out that there were mistakes. I was left friendless at a time when everyone is trying to figure out who they are. It was horrible, and I never talked to her again after school ended. I now highly, highly suspect she is autistic. I spent years and years trying to figure out what I did wrong, tears, and pain, and I never knew. I tried not to take it too personally, because she ended up doing the same exact thing to other friends that she acquired after dropping me, but damn, it really hurt and still affects me today as a 20-something year old. But anyways, being in that relationship with the *severely* clueless guy almost seemed like the Universe's way of leading me to understand that middle-school trauma. I hope everyone on here is okay, and please know you are not alone. We got this!


Monica
12:06 AM
Tue 28th Apr, 2020

I have been reading these posts in the hope that somewhere I will see the map that shows me how to find myself again. I want to leave or him leave but I fear for my children and how they will cope with the departure of someone who is physically here 100% of the time, works from home, does not leave unless for a necessity. I stress the word physically because emotionally he is absent for all of us unless he needs something, then we all know about it. Has anyone divorced someone with Aspergers and actually been able to progress it with their children's interests at heart? I ask this because at the moment i see a man who makes a decision without any plan on how he will implement it. He makes a decision and i have to follow it without question. Do I have to accept that this is going to be War of the Roses and that is it? I fear i don't have the strenght for this as he has sucked every bit of energy i have had in the 21 years of marriage. Has anyone words of wisdom in the Divorce alla Aspergers? Thanks Monica


TK
10:32 AM
Mon 27th Apr, 2020

After three years of mental anguish and craziness, my aspie bf and I broke up. I don't even know why I kept blaming myself, probably because I no longer feel like the happy, attractive, fun person I was when I met him. Same story as the rest: he was sweet, kind, gentle, listened well, and seemed to accept me for who I was. My only concern was that he seemed to want perfection in every romantic moment, like a movie. I realized that this was because he was mimicking what he thought love and romance were. As time went on, I noticed he was more snarky and impatient with me about the stupidest things. I loved him but soon could see that when he thought I was looking at him he would look at me with that sweet smile, but if I caught him in the corner of my eye his face was expressionless. We fought over his lack of empathy and commitment and pretty soon he began attacking me verbally--he was very skilled at knowing how to make someone who loved him feel at fault, crazy, and depressed. He told me I needed help and I went to counseling for over a year. He finally admitted that he likely had AS, but I think he always knew. Every time there was a conflict he would just ghost me for a couple of months at a time. He would tell me he was getting closer to acting committed and then would vanish again. This relationship took a huge toll on me and I feel like I aged ten years. My confidence is null and I doubt I will ever trust a man again after all of his lies. I am glad I read the other testimonies and realized that I needed to leave. You all inspire me and I hope that some of you find a way to leave. Much gratitude.


Dorine
10:59 PM
Sun 26th Apr, 2020

I have been married for almost 25 years. My husband (I hate to call him like that but anyway)we (our daughter and me)are convinced now he has Aspergers. I always knew there was something wrong with him but after searching the internet I came accross this site for some reason and I am now 100% sure. I recognize everything described here. I wanted to divorce years ago but I am chronically ill and have no income so I'm just stuck in this situation. My husband has always had a job, but that's all there is: his income. He was never there for our daughter either as his only interest was his job. He has no friends and no real connection with his extended family. I can't have a normal conversation with him like normal adults have and untill now I couldn't comprehend why. All the attempts I have made end in arguments and frustration for me. I have never received any gift, not for my birthday nor for Mother's Day or whatever special day because it 'doesn't matter' as it's all nonsense to him and only costs money. He is very miserly and I have to answer to him when I buy something. Our furniture is 20 years old, he doesn't care about a cozy home, everything is only about money and his job. he has been home for almost 2 months now because of that Corona and will retire in a few months. I don't know how to proceed. I am extremely unhappy, my only daughter has left home and I am stuck with him all day. He can't cook, he has no hobbies and he doesn't go anywhere because that's not possible with the Corona crisis so he's home all the time. In the past he has also had a few affairs that he hid for years. He lies in my face while looking into my eyes... I don't want to have sex with him since I found out of his affairs, which was 12 years ago. I feel trapped in a nightmare that never ends. Thank you for sharing your stories and reading mine and if you can leave because they never change.


Nicola
9:13 PM
Sat 25th Apr, 2020

I have been with my undiagnosed partner for about 4 year and it's been the most challenging years of my life. I have nothing but hatred and resentment towards him due to the frustration building up over the years. I talk, he doesn't listen, or listen to one or two words and then fill the gaps or change the meaning of what I say so he can talk about whatever he is interested in. If something happens when I am in the same room as him, I won't notice straight away. I could cut my finger and scream in pain but he wouldn't acknowledge me until he is done with what he is doing (that often involves finishing reading a paragraph in a video game related article) His interests revolve around the same, childish hobbies... Videos games, fantasy books... He will try new things to show that he is more complex than this, but will stop after a few days... I told him everything that bothers me about him and how it affects me. His answer could be summed up by this reply "oh, well." I'm told I am the one with a problem. I should just stop being so negative, I should simply "get over it" There's no word to express how frustrating it is to talk to him and see that he just does not get it. No matter what I say, it does not have any credibility to him, he is just fine the way he is and shouldn't have to change for me. If I could leave I would have long ago, but my life circumstances have trapped me into this unfulfilling nightmare of a relationship. I hate him.


Stacy
1:01 AM
Sat 25th Apr, 2020

Finding this site has been extremely helpful for me. I recently ended a relationship with a man who I am convinced has aspergers. I initially saw good qualities in him and was attracted so I pursued the relationship. I had noticed he followed a strict routine with everything and that if anything changed he became overwhelmed and irritable. He continuously ate the same foods. He worked every day because he enjoyed it but I also believe he preferred to be alone. He lacked close friends and with time I realized he had no empathy. He could not handle social situations and was on multiple medications. I realized that I was catering to all of his needs to keep the relationship moving, but that it was only one sided. He showed coldness and a lack of understanding of real human connection. He would say he would be happy if his parents died and always said the most hurtful things to me to the point that my eyes would tear and only then did he realize he crossed the line. It's all just sad, because in the end I got hurt, catching him in lies that he was talking to other women from dating sites yet didn't understand how wrong this was. I could go on and on about all the hurtful things he did. I confronted him that I believed he had aspergers and he said "maybe I do." It would have been nice if he was more honest about this and other underlying psychological disorders. Thank goodness I found this site to see I am not the only one who is traumatized from my experience. I am sad for all people who have dealt with this kind of pain.


Sheena
1:10 PM
Fri 24th Apr, 2020

Been married to an Aspie for 49 years. Only found out about Aspergers 18 months ago. My mother was an Aspie (never hugged, kissed or had any empathy for us kids if we hurt ourselves) but she cared for our physical needs well. Then at 10 I was abused physically and psychologically for 12 months at school. Then when I was 16 met my husband and married 4 years later. Guess I was so expert at dodging and absorbing abuse that when I met my husband he was so nice to me like I’d never experienced before and so caring. Then every now and then he would turn into an abusive beast - physical, verbal and emotional abuse. I thought at the time this was how all relationships were. Outwardly to others a perfect helpful friend, and at home a horror. After being abused for 20 years Of marriage I finally broke and ended up in a psychiatric hospital with doctors not knowing what was wrong with me. I believed strongly that there was something wrong with ME. I spent the next 5 years on different antidepressants. Doctors never asked me if anything was amiss at home. I probably would have said no anyway. Then 18 months ago I saw a program on tv about aspergers. It was a humongous penny drop for me. Since then I have managed to get my husband to see a psychologist and a doctor and they have put HIM on antidepressants for his severe anxiety, and he has changed so much that I feel I have a new husband. He’s still an Aspie through and through but no more meltdowns. I feel that teenage girls and boys at school should be told to be aware of Aspie men (and women)and the red flags to be aware of.


Bill
2:04 AM
Thu 23rd Apr, 2020

I married my wife about 5 years ago. She is self diagnosed with Asperger's. Reading the testimony on this site makes me know I am not alone. At first, she was awesome, I was the best thing ever, and she loved my 3 children as if they were her own. I was previously married but my first marriage succumbed to an office affair that my ex wife had. I offered reconciliation but she was in love and left the family. I was 2 years divorced when I met my Asperger's wife. She never mentioned Asperger's, but really seemed great. We got married too quickly and had a baby in about a year. There were signs that I should have seen. Things more and more became all about her, from friends (she has none, and didn't like that I had a few really good friends) to sex (always on her terms, about once a month, where I take care of her wants and I am lucky to get off). She now is hateful towards my kids, can't stand loud noises, smells (even cooking by me, even though she does none). Our own child together causes her to have meltdowns. I go to Church weekly and she gets very upset if I smell like incense (I'm Russian Orthodox) when I come home. If she has a tag on her shirt, or anything is out of sorts, she loses her mind. I married both times with all intent until death. My first wife left, and I won't break my vow before God and leave my second wife. She is so difficult. I never realized how great my first marriage was (until she left). I live in hell, I try to shield my kids and my only wish here is to warn others, if something feels off, if she says she has Asperger's, run, don't look back, and never feel bad about it.


David
12:31 AM
Sun 19th Apr, 2020

I have contributed to this valuable website before, and I was moved by Jonathan's recent post. Like Jonathan, I am a man who dated a woman with Asperger syndrome (she was "professionally diagnosed" according to her), and I was immediately struck with how similar his experiences were to mine. It's almost as if we were dating the same woman. Make no mistake about it- the narcissistic behavior that one is subjected to by partners with Asperger syndrome is very real, very damaging, and will push you to the brink of seeking therapy yourself. Mental health professionals try to distinguish Aspergers' behavior from that of narcissistic personality disorder, but they don't understand (or seem to care) that to the victim, this distinction doesn't matter- it has the same effect. An aspie will love bomb just like someone with NPD, and they will discard you like an object (because everyone is an object to them), just like someone with NPD. Even worse, they are intelligent and fully know what they are doing- it's an act to get you hooked, merely a script, after which the mask drops. The effort that you put into a relationship with an aspie will not be returned- it will be sucked into an emotional black hole, and suddenly she will disappear, and leave you without closure. In my case, I tried very hard to reconnect with her, if only to understand what happened in her enigmatic mind, and to get closure for myself. I was met with the silent treatment, which significantly delayed my ability to heal. If I had to do it all over again, I would have followed my instincts (because there were red flags that I chose to ignore), and RUN in the other direction. Instead I invested emotionally in her, and got terribly hurt. I feel stupid for allowing myself to fall into that trap, but ironically, if she hadn't told me that she had Asperger's, I would have left much earlier! But because I did not fully understand what Aspergers was, I thought (incorrectly) that with enough love and understanding on my part, any obstacles posed by her Aspergers could be overcome. Wrong. Unless you are a glutton for punishment and are happy settling for a one-way "relationship" that has no reciprocity and no empathy, then avoid these people at all costs. I thank Jonathan for sharing his experience, because it validated mine and made me feel less alone.


Heinrich
3:20 PM
Sat 18th Apr, 2020

Should you ever have the misfortune to date an Asperger: run. They are masking themselves to look like normal humans. Their angelic faces with a smile on are breathtaking. But they don’t smile because of their feelings - they smile because they know that this is what normal people like to see. The love bombing stage is insane. You will fall in love with them and think they are perfect. Everyone around them think they are perfect. But they are not. It is just a mask. They will play with your feelings. Hurt you in a way no one has hurt you before. The guy I dated, a soldier, was malicious. Telling me how perfect I am and how important I am to him. Just to flirt with other people on dates with me. Not respecting my time, always cancel dates a night before leaving me with few options for the weekend. And nothing is their fault - you are the one who has to feel terrible because they are sad over how they treated you. Running with a boner through a public spa is normal to them. Oh, and they can lie. They will just never lie to protect you or your feelings. They will only lie when there is something to gain from it. One day you are their special interest and the next day they will ignore you and the day after that you are their special interest again. And they do understand other people. They just don’t care about your feelings. They can and are very manipulative at times to get what they want. You need to understand other people to manipulate them. If you should ever date an Aspie. Run for your life. Doesn’t sound nice? True. But you are not their therapist or daddy. They are no good for you. They will turn your life into shreds.


Jonathan
12:56 AM
Fri 17th Apr, 2020

I am a man and I would like to add my experience with dating a diagnosed Aspie woman and a suspected borderline. In the beginning, things were wonderful. She was almost too empathic, kind, and loving AND she was very attractive. She would often tell me that I was "perfect" in her eyes. Based on the literature that I've read, I can see now that this was manufactured "love bombing". There were so many undying devotions of love that I thought to myself "man, this must be it". I had no experience with this phenomenon prior to this relationship, and I wish I could have seen the red flags. I had been through a rough time in the two years prior, so I was especially susceptible to this. Side note, I had a terrific time on our first date, but my gut could sense something wasn't right from the beginning. For the men out there: your gut is your radar. LISTEN TO IT! If it says run, RUN! It is trying to save you from a lot of pain in the future. Continuing on, I had no idea that she was an aspie because she hadn't told me yet. As months passed by, she radically changed. She was distant, aloof, and angry. She had a hair-trigger temper that could go off at any time. Most of the positive emotionality and empathy vaporized from the relationship on her side. Eventually, she told me that she had high functioning autism. This helped me make sense of some of her distancing behaviors, but it was too little too late. She also had confided in me about some serious personal issues that I helped her with. I thought we had developed a real trust - I was wrong. Not long after, she broke up with me and ghosted me completely. I tried to reach out for closure but never got it. This was an absolute rollercoaster that I wish I never took part in. Please listen to me: do not date women with high functioning autism. Look for the signs. You will get hurt. It will cost you time, money, and your wellbeing. You'll likely need therapy, and you're going to miss out on healthy women who will be a better fit for you. You've been warned.


Emma
9:24 PM
Thu 16th Apr, 2020

I have been with my Aspie (undiagnosed) Husband for 28yrs we have 3 adult children 2 have ASD diagnosis 1 of those will never be able to live independently. I have had to be the main earner as he cannot hold down a job the latest is 1 week in and I am not expecting it to last.... I don’t mind being the earner but he resents this and I am not aloud to mention how successful I have been in my career as somehow it’s taken as a slight against him. I live walking on eggshells never knowing which word, phrase or comment will set him into a rage, then silence then talking to me as if nothing has happened. I am not sure if he’s got worse or my tolerance to his behaviour has just exhausted itself. You all know the rest of the behaviour we have to put up with, trying to have a conversation with him is exhausting and just ends in more stress so I just now avoid getting into them at alll costs, mind you most of the time he’s not really worried if I am joining the conversation it’s more about him preaching to me his opinion on something. Mostly I feel lonely. Unappreciated, and uncared for. No one has ever asked me after a long day if I had a good day or if I am ok. I have told him I am unhappy but he doesn’t understand and seems absolutely flabbergasted that I am behaving this way ( standing up for wanting to be happy) I want to leave but due to my daughter I feel I cannot and I cannot see him agreeing to leave the home. I am trapped and sadly like so many other writers on here I don’t know what to do. Just now I am planning and hoping that one day I am brave enough to leave. I have been reading others post for months, thank you it makes me feel less alone and that someone out there is listening.


Paula
7:19 AM
Sun 5th Apr, 2020

Four and a half years out of the house- my choice It was a choice born out of severe desperation. Living with him was soul crushing. I worked tirelessly to show our kids that we could be kind and civil to each other as well as enormously respectful. Continue to invite him over for supper frequently. He thinks everything is fine. What do I see? He lives in the house we built together, all the decorations and warm touches came from my efforts. My oldest daughter visits and calls him frequently . I rarely hear from her. My middle daughter tells me about the tv shows they watch together as she is currently home from college and told me that the house was her home not the apartment I live in. My youngest daughter expects very little from him and is okay with that. I tried to explain that Aspergers wasn't his fault it's just how he was made and that he's a good guy. What I failed to say was that I matter. I hear their care and concern for him and it's so hard to know what I know and not say anything. All the millions of ways he failed to connect emotionally with me or the kids and how I had to always make sure I addressed all their emotional needs." Why Women Who Leave Lose Twice " is nearly 100% my story. I am healing, moving forward slowly and relinquishing the desire to control my kids interpretation of what happened. I know what happened and that knowledge is becoming enough for me. That for me is testimony of how far I have come in validating the enormity of my loss.


Nicki
6:40 AM
Tue 31st Mar, 2020

I have been in a relationship with an aspie man for almost 7 months. We have been friends and met at work for 3 years prior to us dating. When we first met I instantly knew that I had fell in love with him before I could even admit it. He is charming, handsome, intelligent. He is very different from the men I have dated before. With that being said he did bring it to my attention when we first started dating that he had Aspergers. I instantly started reading up on it. I really wanted to get to know the person he was. No internet research, and books that are read or people who talk to me would ever prepare me for the rollercoaster I put myself on! The first few months of the relationship was amazing! He would call, text and even facetime me sometimes. He would talk to me atleast once or more a day, text me that is! I would go to his house and we would spend time together. He special interest is video games. There were times I would be with him, sitting next to him on the couch and he would not even look up from his phone or he would continue playing his video games while we sat in silence. All this was dandy until 4 months in and the calls, video chats stopped. The texting consist of maybe a goodmorning and I would not hear from him again till he was ready to go to bed and he would tell me goodnight. He never asks me to come over, never invites to me out. If i do not initiate the conversation or coming over it would never happen. Since the coronovirus has been about it has got worse he barely says two words to me. I honestly can say that out of the almost 7 months we have been together i can count how many times I have been to his house or his to mine. He gets overly fustrated if I voice my opinion on anything when it comes to our arguements and always makes me feel like I am overracting. When we do argue he gives me the silent treatment and will not talk to me until I apologize even if it is not my fault. I honestly at my wits end. I try so hard to make this work, I love him but I fear that is not enough anymore. I have contemplated on leaving. I do not even feel like I am in a relationship and that is sad..


Peter
5:45 AM
Tue 31st Mar, 2020

I am so thankful for this website on Post Traumatic Interaction Syndrome; it is good not to feel alone and weird. I experienced exactly the same many of you did dating an Aspie for 4 months. It started with love bombing. Then his mask fell off peace by peace. Followed with a thousand paper cuts until you feel dead inside; and you ask yourself: why is he so evil to me but so nice to his "friends". You think that you are the problem and that your reality was wrong - gaslighting. He was impulsive a lot of times. He talked about himself constantly. Used an inappropriate language. Unable to feel/think about others. He just opened his three dating apps on a dating trip to the sauna with me, meanwhile, he said how important and special I was to him. Yikes. Totally unorganized - he constantly planned dates with me for the weekends and canceled it five minutes before the actual date; the one time I was five minutes too early (or as he corrected me: seven minutes) he said I was too early on the date to make him feel guilty because I somehow should have guessed he would not come; he was constantly making me feel guilty. He was 10 years older than me - but I was the adult one. I mean, I had a lot of great moments with him and thinking about him still hurts. I really loved him. But all the paper cuts hurt so much. I ended it. I am grateful we didn't get into a relationship - his three ex-boyfriends all ended up with depression he told me, joking (!) that hopefully, it wasn't because of him. I have no depression, thankfully. But yeah, it was still a hard time - never been mistreated by anyone the way he mistreated me. I'm dating a new guy and it is awesome - so for all of you who might have a broken heart now: life is going to get better! I survived my Post Traumatic (nearly) Relationship Syndrome. And so can you. Maybe I was just unlucky with running into him and other Aspies are the nicest persons on the planet. I can't tell. I only speak about my experience and they were terrifying.


Dave
1:21 AM
Tue 31st Mar, 2020

I thought this was a very interesting article: Excerpt: No matter how much we explain or teach or train the Aspie mind, certain neurological circuits don’t work as they do in the NT brain. The brain has a number of circuits that are all connected like Christmas lights. If one part doesn’t work right, then the rest of the circuits malfunction, too. These brain circuits are so tightly integrated that multiple circuits depend upon multiple other circuits to carry out sophisticated human behaviors and to comprehend complex thoughts and feelings. Our brains are truly amazing. Link: https://psychcentral.com/lib/neuroscience-sheds-light-on-why-people-with-aspergers-syndrome-lack-empathy/


Mary
11:14 PM
Mon 30th Mar, 2020

I don't really know what to do. I can't say he's a bad guy but his behaviour is driving me insane. I know he's trying and it's so much better than a couple of months ago but I lack deeper connection. Sometimes it's so hard to talk to him because "he doesn't know what to respond" or he doesn't know what to say. I wonder if he has anything to say about something else than computers. If I want to know how his day went, I have to ask thousand of quetions. Of course he wouldn't ask about mine. I doubt he has any emotional nees in conversation. If I didn't ask about his day I wouldn't know anything about what he was doing lately. There's no such thing like I'm the first person he wants to tell good news to. I doubt there's a difference for him if he tells good/bad news to me or his mother or other people. He can't plan anything because he's so unorganised that he can't predict how much time he'll spend on something. Sometimes when we're about to hang out and I ask him if he's ready he suddenly tells me he has to do something that'll take him another hour or hours! When I ask why he didn't tell me earlier he says that he doesn't know why. Or that he forgot. Also, I can't plan anything because he has no sense of time. I can forget about texting. Sadly, I got used to the fact that it's pointless to text my boyfriend about something because I can't count on understanding and sometimes he doesn't even text me back. When we are apart we don't text, we don't talk. Sometimes for a couple of days. It feels like I'm not in a relationship. Birthday gifts? Or christmas? Getting a flower? I could dream of it. Or when I get one, it's like he wouldn't know me at all. Sometimes I wonder does he really know me? Does he listen to me? There were a couple of days when we were hanging out and he was on his phone all the time, reading articles. I asked him to pay attention to me and all I heard was "in just a minute" and few minutes later he was reading this article loud to me. Being alone would feel less alone than being with him. I think I already gave up on idea that this relationship can be fulfiling in a way that is with NT's people. I used to think about myself as clingy or needy but I guess I don't have this needs anymore.


Martine
1:16 AM
Mon 30th Mar, 2020

Firstly, thank you so much for this website. It has been so cathartic. And the only one of its kind I found. And believe me, I’ve searched and searched for any sort of info after I discovered my husband of 22 years was Aspergers. The testimonials on this website gave me courage and confirmation I wasn’t mad! It was both a beautiful and traumatic experience being with him. I was truly in love. It was so profound. But I have painfully discovered, it didn’t mean or have the same value for him as for me. Autistics can’t feel or understand at that level. I know now it’s not physically possible for them. They love in ways that are too shallow and superficial for normal people, nts. I just read Dave’s last two posts and all you write was spot on. And yes, in my opinion and experience, the only option is to leave your aspie partner. Unless you can completely turn off any need for anything deeper or meaningful in a relationship - there is no happy endings with an aspie. One day you’re their favorite ‘thing’, flavor of the month and then all of a sudden you feel like they’ve totally lost interest. Cold, callous and scheming is what they will turn out to be in end. Do yourself a favor and leave before it’s too late for your sanity.


Janine
9:08 AM
Sun 29th Mar, 2020

I've been married to my aspie guy for 10 years. I saw there were problems before we married - we were often arguing and his behavior really upset/exasperated me - he showed all the signs mentioned in this group. It didn't hit me until after we married, that he was an undiagnosed aspie. I appreciate his good points - he is occasionally surprising in his thoughtful deeds and he is very very handy, as well as a good cook. I have to remind myself that he is mostly into himself and I realize I married him because I honestly have a problem truly accepting to be shown emotions and love - my own issues/hangup. He is not abusive but occasionally yells at me and I have to remind him to stop doing that. His parents had a terrible marriage - his father was abusive to my hubby's mother and ended up with her retreating and him getting a girlfriend/moving out. He was also abusive to my husband - they didn't understand my husband's aspie personality. I myself am the product of parents who were emotionally abusive to me and overly strict (I am partially disabled) so what can I say - my husband and I were lucky to find each other (both of us were married before/had kids) and we do what we can. Some days are good and some are not as good. We need each other (he isn't good with reading/understanding stuff and he helps me out if I cannot hear/understand someone speaking)


Dave
10:22 PM
Sat 28th Mar, 2020

I have come to some conclusions about why people with high functioning autism do the things they do. I want to say first that I think that they do have emotions. They can feel things deeply. The problem is that the feelings don’t last. The only ones that do last are the negative emotions like anxiety and anger. The love that they seem to feel is intermittent and often superficial. Also, I think that they have multiple personalities and you never know which one you are going to get. The one guy that I dated also seemed to enjoy hurting me emotionally. He seemed to be sadistic in a way. It was really sick. I know they can’t help these things so I think the best thing to do is just get away from them. Also, I have to say that it’s not that they don’t understand non-verbal ques, it’s that they don’t understand subtle ones. The best thing to do if you find yourself trying to communicate with them and the start acting up is to just walk away. Don’t to talk to them and make them understand. They will continue to argue so remove yourself from the situation


Dave
10:12 PM
Sat 28th Mar, 2020

I just finished a three month long distance relationship with a guy that has high functioning autism. What a rollercoaster! He never told me about the AS but said that he has a younger brother that was severely autistic so I’m pretty sure he was also. From what I’ve read about narcissistic personality disorder, I can’t see what the difference is. If the person lacks empathy it really doesn’t matter. The love bombing stage of our relationship was incredible. He was so loving and kind. I truly fell in love with him. Little did I know that it was all an act. Little by little over 3 months the mask came off. I didn’t mean to, but I guess I finally ended it. I let him know his behavior was unacceptable by setting some boundaries. He interpreted this as an attack and gave me the silent treatment. I contacted him and was able to stay friends with him. I’m trying to figure out what these people want in life. Why do they try to have a romantic relationship with someone when they know they aren’t really into it? Do they think it’s something that they are supposed to do? Do they consider it a rule or ritual that they need to follow? I wish I could put my finger on it.


Ann o
12:28 AM
Thu 19th Mar, 2020

Im 30 and moved in with my autistic bf last year. Boy was i wrong , im 100s of miles from my family. He didnt tell me he was autistic or epileptic and its been dumped on me. He has a fascination with another girl , our sex life is at zero because i work 12hour shifts then get home and hes slept all night and day n gets aggressive when i bring up him helping me. Recently its become violent, hes choked me out a few times. He was aggressive and nasty when i got pregnant. I lost our baby and while recovering physically he made sure he was sick ( he is always ill if someone else is ) so while in unimaginable pain im still doing dishes , walking to get our shopping ect. Today i am home and not feeling well( corona virus isolation) and hes just become aggressive because i wanted to sleep because im not feeling well. He has so many female friends who he treats so good , i dont understand why hes so false to them and so vile to me. We dont even have conversations anymore because he ignores me. I feel i only exist to pay his bills , drive him places and do my woman duty. Apart from that im worth nothing. I dunno how to handle this, im about to break


Peter
7:29 PM
Wed 18th Mar, 2020

I dated a guy with high functional autism. It was one of the most pleasant and one of the most unpleasant things I have ever done. It was like he was wearing a mask that came off peace by peace, a mask he showed everyone else to be liked. He told me that I was special and important to him. He kissed me. The coitus was great, though it was like he used the same program again and again. But he mistreated me badly. Not physically, but it was pure emotional terror. He did have three boyfriends before. All suffered of depression afterwards. It was like a honey trap. It was like he didn’t care about me, he only cared about himself. And he had a overblown self-esteem. He was terribly unorganised. He did make a lot of plans and cancelled them beforehand. He did flirt with other men on our dates. Meanwhile he told me how important I was to him. He left without saying bye. When I asked him if we could say goodbye, he told me, I would only care about myself. When he cancelled a date he told me that I was only 5 minutes early to make him feel guilty. Everything was about him. No one understands me. I am neurotypical and I have to be the adult one.


Molly
1:10 AM
Thu 5th Mar, 2020

I’m beyond grateful for this website and for all of you who have shared. I am moving out of my home today because I cannot stand the insanity of living with my AS husband another day. My son and I have found some temporary housing while we look for a more permanent home. On our second night after moving in together I first saw the rage. It was sadistic, hostile, scary and cruel. It was a person I had never seen before moving in together. Things were never the same for me after that, but I told myself we could work through it and we got legally married. On our honeymoon, rage came up while I was driving. I pulled over, saying I didn’t feel safe driving while he was so agitated. We stopped the car but he insisted we keep driving because he was obsessed with getting on a specific Ferry (even though there were many Ferries at later times and we had nowhere to be at any specific time). He became so enraged and told me the best solution was for me to put him in the trunk of the car or else he could leave me at a hotel in this random town we were in and that way he could get to the Ferry on time. Then he literally began trying to crawl into the trunk of our car. Last week we took a vacation to a tropical island with our kids (we have a blended family). He insisted that he wanted to pay for the whole trip, including food expenses. I discussed this with him multiple times, reminding him that he gets very upset and angry about paying for food while traveling. I offered to take on that expense. He reassured me that that no, it was his treat. Well, guess what? On the second morning, he asked me to pay for breakfast. I said I’m sorry I can’t, I left my wallet at the hotel. He told me that leaving my wallet at the hotel is proof that I “walk all over him and use him for money”. He also told me every other day on the trip that he wants to separate. And then every other day would take it back. When I asked why he wanted to marry me in the first place, he said, “it wasn’t for romantic reasons”. On the way home in the airport he said something rude and inappropriate to my son while I was in the bathroom. My son told me about it. I found my husband and asked why he was talking to my son that way. My husband told me that he was just doing something that I clearly wanted him to do because of a certain article I liked on Facebook that had nothing to do with my son or anything. He then started ranting about how awful my son is and when I tried to stand up for my son, he began laughing sarcastically. He then started coming towards me with aggressive face, words and body posture. I asked twice for him to back up and he would not. I then held my arms out, blocking him from coming closer and yelled, “Get the fuck out of my face!”. I have never before in my life had an altercation like that, let alone in a public place. Since then, he has told me “that unpleasantness in the airport was unfortunate, but you attacked me”. He was the one who brought up that he thought he has AS, and at the time, I thought that was hopeful. But now he is back to denying it and getting angry at me if I suggest it. He says everyone in his life tells him that he clearly doesn’t. I’m so relieved to hear that this is a common phenomenon. No matter what, it is most important that I believe myself and honor my experience as real. I have to let go of the need to get others to believe me and just focus my energy on getting back to my best self. I wish you all well and my heart is with you.


Tishku
11:55 PM
Tue 3rd Mar, 2020

I am relieved to find this site. Over the past two years, I have been driven slowly insane trying to make sense of this relationship I am in. I dated my husband on and off for 3 years. We never lived together, he had always lived with one of his sisters, he said they need HIM. After we married, his sister said, "Now you can babysit him!" I was shocked. Little did I know what they meant. After marrying, I found I just filled the sister role like a third sister. While he does work and have a job, he accepts ZERO responsibility financially, physically or emotionally in our relationship. He won't open his mail, answer his phone, pay a bill, repair anything that is broken, wash his laundry, clean a toilet or mow the lawn. I literally have to wake him up for work, like getting a child on the schoolbus. The first year we were married, no Christmas gift, no birthday gift, no anniversary gift. I cared for his 13 year-old dog with cancer till the day she died. I had to tell him we needed to put her down because she was in severe pain. I had to make that decision, because he 'wanted her around.' Selfish. He snores, has sleep apnea and refuses to get help. We live in separate bedrooms and I am like a care-taker / mother. When I discuss thing with him, he goes to bed and his mind literally does a reset overnight. The next day is like Groundhog Day and everything starts over again...no changes. I am going insane! I long for a deep intimate relationship. I am on anti-depressant medication and see a therapist. He advice is to make an exit plan for my own mental and physical well beiing. I feel guilty, but I have to save myself. He needs to go back to his family, who have care for him for 46 years. I can't do this.


F
11:19 PM
Sat 22nd Feb, 2020

I left my ex, and almost a decade later i found out why i couldnt make the relationship work, he is definetely an aspie. A very intelligent one, which makes him very good at masking and compensating. He also works pretty hard, and has no trouble keeping a wellpaid job. But he has no need for physical intimacy, even hugging doesnt seem to bring him any comfort or pleasure. He enjoys wearing hes t-shirts with the inside out, and is very happy with the left/right socks. He also has a pretty big head, and cannot fix smaller sowing jobs, as he cannot handle the needle. He takes friendly batter personally and hurts people when he trues to be funny. He is also paranoid, and has accused me of a few things i never did, and couldnt convince him i diddent. No logik. He can never admit to or apologize for anything, or accept another point of view if it isnt consistent with he’s own idea of reality. He literally almost drove me crazy. A lot ask ‘how do u leave’ or ‘how do u get the courage to leave’, and i dont think theres one answer to that. I think i felt i had to leave, before i went completely crazy, and also i had stopped loving him. I found him to selfish to be able to love, so i couldnt stay. Also i wanted to protect my child against hes crazyness. It has not been a walk on roses since then though, but i am SO greatfull to finaly understand why. I read this page every week, it makes a huge difference to know i’m not alone with my experiences. Best of luck to everyone!


Will
6:46 AM
Mon 17th Feb, 2020

I am in a relationship with an undiagnosed AS woman. I recently have had enough of the emotional gap that lies between us and asked her to move out. This has been the hardest thing I have done as I still care deeply for her. I just simply can’t go on like this. In many ways she is a kind generous compassionate person but just as many of you have shared she is aloof and emotionally distant. She very rarely says anything sweet or uplifting, never says I love you, we fight all the time because she literally can’t see my perspective in anything, and yet, I know that she loves me with all her heart. So I am very conflicted about what is about to happen for her. I know this is breaking her heart and I don’t want to hurt her but I NEED to feel normal again. I feel as though I’ve lost a part of myself being with her. How have you reconciled leaving your partner with the heartbreak it brings? I don’t want to hurt her but I’m going crazy. Please share any insight that you may have gained from your experience.


LL
1:36 PM
Thu 9th Jan, 2020

For so long this website has been my only resource. My husband is just like all of yours. We’ve been together for 13 years. There are days that I cannot even think straight anymore. Keeping him on track and happy in a disorganized world is an absolute nightmare. The damn thing about it is that the aspie behaviors have progressively gotten worse with age. He is now less motivated to even work hard for a living and literally expects me to manage everything financially. It’s exhausting. Completely oblivious to social norms in public and has no friends and certainly does not try to make any. So, any outing when we are not alone is a stretch for him. He also seems to relish my misery, so when I laugh or if I’m not working 12 hours a day he always wonders why. I tell myself that I’m not going to let him get me down, but it is like living with a hologram....a shell of a person without any connection at all to his emotions, priorities, goals in life, etc. Any sort of intimacy, apology after disagreement or emotional connection is long gone, and tbh I no longer try very hard. When we try to talk about retirement-it’s like I am speaking to myself. He is like a robot zombie on cruise control. Then I have moments where I feel guilt as I know his neurons are not normally organized. Nevertheless-I cannot get back the years I’ve given this man. We have a 10 YO son, and he is thankfully much more emotionally adept, but seems to have inherited the lack of common sense and possibly some adhd. I’ve not had another child, even though I wanted another half due to fear of the child having this affliction. If you are new to this limitation and with an Aspie-leave now, as it will destroy you. There is no escaping or repairing them. There is only a lifetime of heartache for you. Run fast and do not look back. Every day I dream of a way out of this relationship. A way to happiness. Until then it feels like a self made prison.


Darcy
7:09 PM
Sat 4th Jan, 2020

I posted about a year ago. Ive been reading and researching. Its Pretty much the same theme for Nt. The overall arching theme, IMO, is lack of a deep connection, inability to emotionally connect, and the need for total control for the AspIe to manage their stress, hence need for having their way so much of the time. In the same why people cant live with cheating or beating bc of the destructive emotional effects, living without human connection is intolerable for most. We are suppose to closest to our immediate loved one. If not, who then? Loyalty causes us to be unconnected to anyone because how can we justify being emotionally closer and connected to a person outside of our marriage or relationship? Their inability to compromise, I believe comes from the absolute must, (for them) to maintain familiarity and routine. The world seems so stressful to them that they seem to use people and things just to arrange their world, to suit them. They cannot seem to see or feel your hurt, pain, sadness or internal world. They are unaware of your needs because they identify only with themselves. It always mystifies me he insist on a certain way for some thing, for his own comfort, and if I express my discomfort about the decision, it simply isn’t regarded as relevant. Bc his needs will always trump any of my own. Always. So, this will be your world, and this is why so many NT of Aspie partners are empty, sad, depressed, needing, wanting, dreaming. Bc you live without love. Tangible goods are not love, but to them, these soothing things, are offers of comfort. They have no idea, that an object or good cannot understand your deep and debilitating pain at being invisible.


Carolyn
10:54 PM
Wed 1st Jan, 2020

I am so glad I found this website and others similar. 25 years spent with a man who is Mr. Wonderful to everyone else but behind closed doors, just as described by you all. I learnt to be assertive and stop the verbal abuse some years ago, then realised that there was nothing to fill the void where his unprovoked anger had been: no emotional connection, no ability on his part to be kind, attentive, complimentary, encouraging or affectionate towards me. I am ignored, dismissed, invalidated, unseen and unheard. It is like being married to a two-dimensional cardboard cut out of a man. He can DO anything practical, a Mr. Fix It, and for that I am truly grateful, but emotionally it is very lonely and soul destroying. Like many of you, I went to professionals for help, both on my own and with my husband, and not one of them picked up what was happening. I felt like the 'crazy woman' married to a 'lovely man'. It has been exhausting. Reading testimonials on this site has given me a huge sense of relief. With understanding of this situation, I no longer have expectations that this is fixable, and I have stopped making any more emotional effort in this marriage. I have always ensured that I have my own friends, work and activities. So while I can't leave for many reasons, I know for sure that one day I will be free from his heavy, negative energy (it's like living with a stone wall). Until then, I keep reminding myself that I am not crazy, and I am not alone. Thank you to all of you who have contributed to this website.


monica
6:59 PM
Fri 20th Dec, 2019

I put my tale of woe on the page back in July... I am still paralysed with indecision. I think 20 years married to my AS Husband where all my efforts have been to keep him calm, in his routine and in a way controlled by his moods is going to be a hard habit to break. I have 2 children, a girl of 5 and a boy of 11, my Boy is diagnosed AS so I also am trying to keep things calm and i am exhausted with all of it. I have worked hard to make sure everything is how my Husband and Son like it. I try to foresee issues/changes that could upset them as it makes life so so much easier. However it is difficult to live life with this much pressure without it being detremental. I feel like the least important person in the world, like Cinderella or a Stepford Wife. I love my Husband but I am not in love with him and i feel like we now have a Business arrangement where he does his thing and I facilitate and deal with the practicalities of life. I would LOVE to have an emotional relationship with someone one day but how can that ever be? I can't leave - he won't/can't leave. I can't upset my Children and I love my home and know my kids feel safe in their home. I am legally and fincially bound to a house mate as whilst we are married we have no married life either physical or emotional. There are no laughs or date nights. When I look at the future it feels like a life sentence Grounddog day of the same routine, same programmes on TV, songs on repeat... How do you leave? How do you get the courage? xxx


Becki
8:53 PM
Tue 17th Dec, 2019

Well...I finally found the definitive answer to my horrible marriage. I could have written almost all of these testimonials myself. The question now is, what to do? Do I stay in a relationship that will never be what I need it to be? Do I move on and try to make my own life? Do I give up on a lifelong dream that I have finally managed to realize, for the sake of self-preservation? All rhetorical questions, of course. I have a lot to learn and digest. Much has already been explained thanks to this site. I am married to a man with AS, who doesn't know (or think) anything is "wrong with him". He is, of course, undiagnosed, and will likely remain that way. You can't, after all, tell a person they need help, when they deny everything and get angry at everything (and then deny they're angry). The way I understand it, there isn't a whole lot of help for them anyway. Most changes in behavior will be masks, and not kept up for any length of time. My husband managed to be Mr. Perfectly Right For Me for a bit over 2 years before we married. All of that changed once the rings were on our fingers, and I found myself married to a man I didn't know. It amazes me that they can do that, and that we fall for it. But they can, and we do. Here we all are, right? What I am questioning right now is, is he actually getting worse as time goes on, or is it just that I am getting more and more exhausted from trying to live life married to him? I know for sure that I am exhausted every day, long before I should be. Lately, I'm exhausted when I get out of bed. My physical and emotional health are suffering. I know I need counseling, but also know finding a counselor with knowledge enough about what we NT's go through is close to impossible. Like many of you, I love my husband. I don't think I'm IN love with him any more though. Abuse, although not intentional on his part, has a way of knocking that out of us, doesn't it? I will say that it is a HUGE relief to know that the forced celibacy of the last 11 years isn't because he necessarily finds me unattractive, but that he finds himself uninterested for God only knows what reason(s). He says he doesn't know, and I finally believe that. Sort of.It's a relief, but it doesn't, at this point, do anything for my self-esteem. Therein lies the need for counseling. I have a lot of decisions to make. For right this moment, I will stay put because I have to. I am disabled and my income isn't enough to support myself. I have also managed to make a lifelong dream come to fruition, and I am living exactly where I have always wanted to live, and doing exactly what I have always wanted to do (besides the crappy marriage) and am not ready to even consider giving that up. I worked too long and too hard to get here. I appreciate knowing there is a place for people like me to come and vent. Right now, I am likely babbling. I know most of you will "get it" and understand why that is. To finally KNOW what the issue is, and then to understand that it will NEVER be any better, is a lot to take in. Thanks for letting me vent!!


MLT
12:57 AM
Fri 13th Dec, 2019

I have been reading this site on/off the last 2.5 years as I needed to gain a deeper understanding of what I was coping with, with my own AS relationship. I was very much alone throughout this as we lived on an island far away from our respective homelands and I simply had no real knowledge of AS and had to figure things out the hard way. I needed to know that I was not going crazy, that my rage and frustrations, amongst so many other things were valid, that I wasn't the evil angry girlfriend who was controlling and demanding, because addressing it to him was impossible and all he did was deny, walk away, blame shift, backstab me to others, name call and create more problems over nothing. It was all so bizarre. This is something that is definitely not discussed enough, the partners who are left hurt, although it should be as for me, it was very much abusive in ways and a vicious cycle I kept going into over and over again. A vicious cycle I am still recovering from. The story is long and complex, just as all of these stories are, but I am now out of it for good and coming to terms with what really took place within our relationship. I often wondered whether he was a narcissist or a sociopath or a combo of many mental disorders. The irony and sad part of it all is that he could be the best, most loving person ever. I truly know that he loved me in the best way he knows how. Of course, that was never enough. So many important aspects were missing such as compromise, trust, respect and unselfish kindness. He did some wonderful, generous gestures and we had a deep intimacy to a degree, but it was always short lived and over time became less and less. This man cheated, lied, name called, gaslight, blame shifted, betrayed, backstabbed, made excuses, broke promises, and intentionally sabotaged me to others, to save face. Everything to some degree or another felt like a farce. I called him out on every single thing, I did not let him get away with his behaviour, however, I stayed, for too long, and for me, that has been the biggest lesson of all. IF you see the signs of a dis-functional partner early on, if it doesn't feel right or make sense and you cannot work it out with your partner because they are not willing or able to, if it is too good to be true, then it is. GET OUT and STAY OUT. As hard as it is, it will save you worlds of hurt and problems in the long run. I wish everyone well and hope you are taking care of the most important thing. YOURSELVES. Happy holidays.


Roisin
8:17 AM
Sun 10th Nov, 2019

I would like to thank the facilitator of this site, as well as David and Deb for their incredibly insightful testimonials. When I reflect upon my relationship with an ASD man, I understand that significant questions arose within a few months after the commencement of the relationship. I was assured, over and over again, by the mutual acquaintance who had introduced us, that he was just shy and had not been in an intimate relationship in a very long time. There were baby steps, which provided hope, and then many steps backwards. Each attempt at reaching a mutual compromise about anything at all resulted in my giving up bits of myself, and him always eventually going back on his promises, and gaslighting me. "Believe someone the first time, when they tell you who they are." Truer words were never spoken. My ASD man told me, occasionally, that he recognized that "something was missing" in his DNA. Very true. Had I heeded the early warnings, and not fanned the infrequent flames of hope, I would not have suffered through six years of a complete emotional and financial roller coaster ride. Everyone deserves mutual respect, love and trust when in an intimate relationship.


Maureen
3:44 PM
Sat 9th Nov, 2019

I totally agree with the facilitator. I think you get so used to trying to make things work and wondering why you feel the way you do. there is a lot of self blame until you realise it is not you but the person with AS who can't respond to normal emotions. I spent years wondering why I didn't feel the way I should. He seemed a kind and gentle man but now that he has gone I am learning more about AS and realise that we just didn't have a normal relationship. I am looking forward to the next stage in my life and hopefully meeting someone without AS. He is someone else's problem now.


facilitator
9:23 AM
Sat 9th Nov, 2019

I hear those who say they are constantly rebuffed and hurt by their partner, yet they still love their ASD partner. They constantly make excuses for their partner's bad behaviour. How long will it take for them to realise the relationship is toxic for both them and their partner. It's impossible to love someone who messes with your head. Love is kind, happy and supportive. It is not soul destroying.


Marilyn Lipari
5:36 AM
Sat 2nd Nov, 2019

I love the question Bea puts forward in her posting. For me, the question arises, why did I stay? The answer is in a story. When I had several surgeries, I would cry because my ASD husband would go missing. Work or some other self-interested diversion was his excuse for not being there. But, when he got sick, lost his job, or some such travesty, he'd become like a sick puppy dog who needed to be petted. In countless efforts to explain that my needs were just as important to me, he'd never ever understand and come through for me. Whenever I'd say, "I've had enough," he would pour on this little puppy dog save-me routine, then he'd suddenly show up for events etc. And I would save him every time. The answer to my problem is to let him be him, and find resources for myself. I am legally bound to a room mate who to me is like a seven year old. But I now refuse to be his mommy anymore. What really irks me is that his family knew about the autism; there are several of them in their family. I found out later that they were happy to get him off their backs.


Taffy
1:16 AM
Fri 1st Nov, 2019

Hi Bea, I have not heard of ASD people getting "better" in relationships, as in turning into a partner who can anticipate your needs and really support and nurture a relationship like an NT person. Some of them choose to learn scripts and over time that may become a habit, but I decided I could not be with someone who was trying to jump through hoops for me (and would quickly drop it if he became stressed or simply forgot). It was also unnerving to watch my partner remind himself to ask me about my day, etc. When I love someone, I don't have to remind myself to ask after them, I am genuinely curious how they are getting along. I notice if their face changes, if they are sick, or crying. I can even usually guess why. I reminded myself of that when I asked myself if my relationship with my partner was enough. This is the gift of empathy and we cannot thrive without having that care and love reciprocated. I could never describe this to my partner in a way he understood and this is something so ingrained that it doesn't even need to be said between NT people. I think about friends and loved ones in my life who are NTs and how it's nice that the layer of emotional care, reciprocation, and ease is just there. It's the difference between having a rich and fluent conversation with a native speaker of your language and someone who is just learning. Unlike a diligent language student the aspie will never get past "See Spot run." I don't want that layer of struggle and distance there. Good luck to you and please take care of yourself.


Bea
5:11 AM
Thu 31st Oct, 2019

Hello, thanks for posting all these testimonials, they’re incredibly validating. I was wondering if there’s anyone here that found any sign of things getting better over time, of ASD partners learning to make up for their shortcomings. If there’s any other way to deal with it other than leave. Every time I try to leave, when I’m at my absolute edge, my ASD partner seems to me like a lost child and compassion and empathy I feel for him keeps me coming back, over and over. It doesn’t help that I’m literally the only person that sees his ASD, which is also the reason he treats me the worst, I suppose. Because he doesn’t like to be reminded about his ‘faultiness’, especially when no one else seems to see it.


Sharon
7:55 PM
Sat 26th Oct, 2019

It was just three paragraphs that pushed me to leave my partner of 5 years. These words were both destroying and liberating. After reading them I no longer hoped for a fulfilling relationship. I had to end it. In the article titled: “The Truth About Asperger’s”, I read the words: “How would you feel if you’re involved with someone who is mind blind: Invalidated, unsupported, unheard and unknown …. It feels that way because it IS that way.” I learned that. “We all have fundamental emotional needs, and that does not mean we’re needy (a common accusation of the empathy-challenged) — it means we’re human.” I stopped trying to cope. I stopped trying to adapt. I am human and I have fundamental emotional needs that are not being met in this relationship. He is not interested in my opinions or how I feel. He doesn’t seem to notice when I am sad. For many years he used to cut me off mid-sentence. He has learned to ask questions about my life but often they are closed ended. Most of our conversations consisted mainly of him talking and me listening. Social situations with him, always made me anxious. I was always ready to step in to save the conversation. Anticipating when he would cut someone off. I realized it was easier to avoid these situations altogether. I felt unheard, unseen and unknown. With him, I often felt alone.


facilitator
7:38 PM
Sat 26th Oct, 2019

The "Aspergation" MaryAnne talks of is Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome/Cassandra Phenomenon. It is a normal emotional, stress reaction by neurotypicals, (not a mental illness), to living in these extremely unhealthy relationships.


MaryAnne
11:46 PM
Fri 25th Oct, 2019

"It's life Jim but not as we know it" sums up for me the experience of 30 years married to an undiagnosed Aspie. What is shocking is that despite having been seen by a psychiatrist, psychologist and a number of counsellors, not one of them spotted it. Only those of us in this situation know the absolute loneliness of being the only one who notices that 'the Emperor has no clothes'. Only for this wonderful site and others like it where we can receive validation of our lived experience, we would indeed doubt our sanity. A heartfelt thanks to all who have shared their stories. Your words have given me solace in the knowledge that I am not alone. Knowing about Aspergers has enabled me to at least make sense of the craziness, especially as I realise my mother also was most likely on the spectrum. Along with one of my children. Surrounded on all sides. Well and truly 'aspergated'.


David
5:21 PM
Wed 23rd Oct, 2019

In response to Kit and others, I would say that the cognitive dissonance that NTs have when dealing with a high functioning autistic person causes us to ignore the evidence. We cannot believe that the person who seems so charming is incapable of having a meaningful, reciprocal emotional connection with us. We fill in the blanks too willingly, making assumptions about their capacity to have a fulfilling relationship that are simply not justified. You have to experience it yourself in order to realize that such people exist- it is such a foreign concept to a normal mind that you must not blame yourself for falling into the trap, at least not the first time. But what I have learned from this will hopefully prevent me from falling into this trap again. Remember the words of Maya Angelou: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." No second chances, just move on before you get terribly hurt. This may defy the natural instincts of emotionally healthy minds to work on relationships and give others the benefit of the doubt, but it is important to heed the warning signs.


Kit
7:59 AM
Sun 20th Oct, 2019

The very first magical evening I spent with my guy, he turned to me at one point near the end of the evening and said soberly, "I hurt people". I laughed it off and asked this charming guy whatever could he mean, but I have surely found out. I wonder if the NT brain is unable to understand/accept/believe the evidence of the empathy disfunction in the ASD partner. It is fascinating that this kind of evidence is unable to over-ride the heartbreak of the NT who can clearly see that there is nothing coming back yet still grieves and wants what the ASD partner has never given nor likely ever would give. Maybe this is the effect of the partial reinforcement program that the NT experiences with her ASD partner. I don’t know, but I kept telling myself that we would be able to work things out and that starting a relationship later in life takes more work. I could have saved myself all that had I listened to his warning that first night. I continue my process and am most grateful to all who share on this space and thank you for the comfort I have found here today.


Carol
9:16 PM
Fri 18th Oct, 2019

Another thing: even if you do divorce them many times they don’t get it or what that means so they tend to stick around in a way that crosses boundaries. Even if you marry someone else they won’t get it. I remarried and my AS ex didn’t mind at all. And I wanted to be nice to her and it is a good thing when someone wants to stay friends, right? Maybe not when they are at your doorstep a Friday night uninvited, walks in, helps themselves in your refrigerator and then makes themselves comfortable in your couch when you had planned for a cozy evening with your new spouse just the two of you. And the new spouse is a nice person and a bit conflict avoidant and voilà! AS ex will now see both of you as a part of her/his routine.... They linger. For years and decades if you dont put your foot down. Took me 25 years to see this and that she didn’t see me as a friend. I was still ”the routine” and she still tried to control me with tantrums. I had to cut her off.


Deb
7:00 AM
Wed 16th Oct, 2019

After 13 years, I can sum up what it feels like this way... I write you a poem that you don’t understand..... I play you a song that you don’t follow..... I tell you a story that you don’t remember..... I cook you a meal that you perfect….. I give you intimacy that you avoid….. I give you space that you take advantage of….. I offer opinions that are always wrong….. I give you acceptance that you take for granted….. I offer you support that you don’t recognize….. I give you love that is misinterpreted….. I give you too much and it’s not enough….. I give you me and all you really want is you…………. And still, I am to adjust………. I should not write you the poem that is in my heart….. I should not play you the song that expresses my emotions….. I should not tell you a story….. I should not cook you a meal….. I should not want intimacy….. I should not hope to share your space….. I should not tell you what I think….. I should not accept you for who you are….. I should not support your life….. I should not give you love….. I should not give anything….. You have you.


Carol
5:48 AM
Tue 15th Oct, 2019

My five years with a later diagnosed asperger woman in the early 90’s still affects my self esteem and had a negative effect on my life for years. I was very young (21) when I met her. Everything seemed ”normal” and she impressed me by being so intellectually gifted. She kind of rushed things and Six Months later we moved in together. Everything changed overnight. It was like she took of a mask. The following years was like drowning in still waters. After I moved in she stopped being physical with me which killed my self esteem. She expected me to wait hand and foot for her. She didn’t cook. She didn’t clean the house. She was like a Big Child with a huge intellect. She never worked WITH me in this relationship. She was obsessed with tennis and the Day my brother helped me to finally move out She was absorbed by a tennis tournament on tv and hardly even noticed when we carried out my stuff and furniture to the van. She could be very nice to me but also say the most horrible horrible things that really really hurt me. It was a terrible first experience of living together with a partner and I am still kind of withdrawn because of it. If you find yourself in a relationship like that - get out! The sooner the better. Things won’t improve.


ML
2:50 PM
Mon 14th Oct, 2019

The difference between myself and my ASD husband is that I am the only one asking, "Am I going insane?" After thirty years with my husband you'd think I would know not to expect a gift on my anniversary, an act of kindness when my father dies, an apology when he lies about losing thousands of dollars, or not showing up at the hospital as the doctors are cardioverting my heart. Moreover, you'd think that the family would be kind to me when I lose my temper over some strange incident. My husband, for all intents and purposes, seems like a really nice guy to the rest of the world. This is the problem with highly functioning Autism. Being married to ASD---the neurotypical is constantly being told we don't matter, we're the crazy ones etc. It is quite simple; the ASD does not know how to feel for anyone but himself. He can lie at a drop of a bucket and not feel guilt. He can put his dog down of 15 years and not feel anything. And he will never protect anyone except his own ego. Yet, I am supposed to feel sorry because he has this disorder. I do all the time. It is like I am married to a three year old child who has a PHD.


Linda C. Krausse
8:55 AM
Sun 13th Oct, 2019

I can relate to all who have written their experiences here. I thought that I was only dealing with a Narcissist, and maybe so, but my partner of 5 years has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers, and it has been a living hell. I depend on his income, as I have Lupus and cannot work. My health has deteriorated since living with him, and I see no way out financially right now. The most irritating of his behavior is his incessant need to babble, interrupting me at every word I say. I have lost my temper, and still do because he seems so normal, except for some of the behaviors mentioned here, ie., no affection or intimate connection. I am responsible for everything of his and of mine, of course. I'm tired of being a mommy to a 70 year old man. I am only 63, and want out of this relationship. Fortunately, I was asked out by an acquaintance of mine, and look forward to talking to someone who is normal. I had lost hope of every joining the dating world again because of my newly lack of self-esteem. I gained 30 lbs. because of the steroids I must take for Lupus and Addison's,a double whammy. I've never been over weight in my life, in fact, when I was 21 I became anorexic. This weight gain is new to me and I never thought anyone would ask me out, because my face is kind of puffy looking. Apparently, I don't look that bad. Being that I used to model makes me a little more self conscious. I am so glad to have found this site! Thank you.


Erin
7:59 AM
Sat 12th Oct, 2019

My partner of the last almost 10 years was very recently diagnosed (informally) with ASD. I have been pushing for this confirmation for awhile now and he admitted to me after getting diagnosed that he didn't actually think he would be, that the doctor would just say something about how all women think their husbands are autistic. Granted, reading through some of the testimonials here, I am probably one of the luckier partners because he is not a monster by any means. However...... the inflexibility, the self centeredness, the defensiveness, the lack of ANY common sense whatsoever, the inability to upkeep or manage anything in the house, the total lack of empathy.... I hear you all loud and clear on those points. It has driven me so close to the point of insanity and I have lost myself in this relationship no doubt. He masks his true self so well to outsiders, I would venture to say they don't know him at all. He insists on being weird though, and outlandish, and like a 13 year old boy with his sense of humor. He actually enjoys doing embarrassing things and being "irreverent." I cannot speak about anything philosophical or metaphorical at all. I've just gotten so used to it and again, I've really lost myself.... I vaguely remember who I used to be and I want myself back. I don't know how to get there though.


Amelia
5:03 AM
Sat 12th Oct, 2019

I am so grateful for everyone who shares their experience on this site. It is always comforting knowing that you are not alone in this struggle. I have been married for 5 years to my undiagnosed ASD husband. One month into our marriage, he dropped the facade he had put on during our courtship. Day after day, it has been a slow decent into Hell. I had us attend marriage counseling but it didn't last long because he had a meltdown and stormed out of the counselors office. I'll never forget the look on the counselors face!! After much research and a seemingly never-ending roller coaster of chaos from my husband, I finally discovered that I am dealing with the insanity of a very high functioning autistic. Having that knowledge brought me most of my sanity back. I am better equipped to handle his behavior and detach emotionally now. It doesn't always work, but at least I don't feel like I am going completely insane. I have to protect what is left of "me" until I can find a way out. The hardest thing for me to deal with at this stage is sexual intimacy. I find it unbearable to engage with him sexually because we have zero emotional connection. During the first few years of our marriage I was initiating sex multiple times a week. I always put forth all the effort and thought that we would become closer and form a deep emotional bond. My attempts backfired. Although he seemed to enjoy the sex (because I was doing all the work) afterward he would need to retreat. He would act strange and more distant. My attempts at conversation would be met with his overly formal manner of speaking. I felt like even more of a stranger to him than his wife whom he was just intimate with. This wore me down and now I have no desire to be with him in that manner. He will now have periods of rage towards me because I do not want to have sex. He follows me around the house insulting me and ranting for hours some days. When he does this I try to leave because he is in a state of psychosis. When I return he usually acts as if nothing has happened. He seems to not understand that he can't verbally insult me and then expect sex later in the evening. I have beaten my head against the wall trying to explain to him that without emotional connection there can be no "real" sex. I'm tired of his robotic mannerisms, blank stares, scripted responses and forced phony laughter.


D.
12:42 AM
Sat 12th Oct, 2019

I don't even know where to start. No one knows what to do, how to handle it. He seems totally normal, right? WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. Can I complain about how this angry robot has ruined my life, extinguished my spark ANYWHERE without getting shouted down for being SO DAMNED MEAN to people with this disability? NO! Everyone just expect me to take it and take it and take it with a smile. I can't. I cry every day before even getting out of the bed he abandoned sometime in the night. I cry in the shower, knowing full well I won't get a hug or possibly even an acknowledgement. YET I AM THE JERK FOR BEING UPSET ABOUT IT. I just want to give up. Walk in front of a bus. Make it end.


jb
12:12 AM
Thu 10th Oct, 2019

I, like David and many others return to this sight for support and validation. Also, through the insanity and abuse of the past eight years from the aspie to whom I am married, I have looked at my behavior and how I ended up in such a mess. I too have always accepted people at face value, am often shocked and speechless when people are rude or unkind to me or others. In the past, I would make excuses for people such as they must be having a bad day, etc. or wonder what I did to upset them. Now my boundaries are so strong, I will tolerate very little. Sometimes, I feel cruel by pulling away, but I need to protect myself. You know the saying, 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them'. The scary part of all of this is aspies like narcissists are very good at camouflaging their true characters. Right now I feel so sad, frightened, and I am struggling to feel any hope.


facilitator
7:06 AM
Sun 6th Oct, 2019

David talks about being caught up by someone with autism who is charming and beguiling and then their real persona appears shortly afterwards. People with autism are well able to camouflage their difficulties in public and will be charming in order to capture the heart of someone who is their special obsession. When that person is well and truly "caught" they revert to their real self.


David
7:10 PM
Sat 5th Oct, 2019

I've posted to this helpful site before and keep checking it for support and validation. One thing that I've noticed about the comments is how much suffering many of us have endured by being with someone who has high functioning autism, and yet we decided at one point that they were terrific partners. Why does this happen in the first place? I met a woman who was so interesting on the surface, with such quirky and unconventional thoughts, that it was appealing, charming, and endearing. I was taken off guard- She idealized me, which felt good at first (if not a little uncomfortable), then devalued me, then suddenly discarded me. If she hadn't told me that she had been diagnosed with Asperger's, I would have thought in retrospect that she had full fledged narcissistic personality disorder. I am the kind of person who constantly tries to see the good in people and help them- often to my detriment- and wanted to understand her as much as possible and give her the benefit of the doubt, based upon the idea that Aspergers is a disability and that people with disabilities should be treated with compassion. Knowing that she had Aspergers ironically kept me interested in her for too long, thinking that if I only tried hard enough, I could "rescue" her from her condition and help her understand how life would be better for both of us together as opposed to apart. I was so wrong. I now realize that she didn't want to be "rescued" (and it's not my job to rescue her in the first place), and that she was perfectly content staying in her own, self-centered, black and white world, seeing others like me as the one with the problems. I've finally come to terms with the fact that there is no hope for a meaningful, reciprocal relationship with someone like this, but it took 2 years of my trying, and of her silent treatment, and of countless, ignored e-mails, texts, and letters, to figure that out. I feel embarrassed but at the same time feel good that I tried to salvage something that I thought was important, and in the process gained some insight into myself so that perhaps I can avoid this in the future. So for all of you who got trapped in a relationship with an aspie, just realize that perhaps there is something about us that makes us want to help others too much, we are too quick to give others the benefit of the doubt, and we therefore make ourselves vulnerable to people with predatory narcissistic tendencies (and I place Aspergers in that category) who take advantage of our giving personalities. Perhaps we need better boundaries to protect ourselves from being attracted to such people in the first place. Aspies can be very clever, conniving, and hurtful- whether they mean it or not becomes irrelevant to the person on the other end of their behavior. I have learned from this experience, but as a result I do have scars that I would prefer not to have at this point in my life.


Mary
6:22 AM
Thu 3rd Oct, 2019

Hello everyone I am glad to find this site.Last month my 22 year old son is diagnosed with ASD. In 2017; While attending University, he is diagnosed with Depression.He has been given antidepressants by a psychiatrist at an emergency room of mental health facility. He attended CBT for a year. Still he struggled with his academic work. In 2018, he was seen by a psychiatrist specializing his age group and diagnosed within two months after performing written tests and collateral information from his psychologist and family members.A few years back, my son himself had a suspicion about this and did an online testing by himself. Even though I work in mental healthcare area, it was difficult for me to accept it. Definitely it was an eye opener for my own struggles with my husband. We were married for 26 years and now I understood the reasons for his cold behavior. Always he blamed me and I assumed something wrong with me. No one understood my struggles. After my son’s diagnosis, I researched on this topic extensively and learned about NT spouses. Some testimonies sounded exactly like mine. Thanks for sharing your experiences and felt like I am not alone in this.


Jackie
12:08 AM
Tue 1st Oct, 2019

I have a lot to say but no time because I was reading about everyone who could have been writing my story. Very thankful to be here. Told my aspie husband I felt like dying (almost crying)when we were driving last week and he gives me a pat on the back and a quick “ahh”. End of story, no asking why or ANYTHING.Will write later!


Just Breathe
3:31 AM
Sun 29th Sep, 2019

I just found yesterday that my husband of 3.5 years is high functioning autistic. It answers so my questions... since the day we married it has been a roller coaster ride of chaotic craziness... he has a high paying job and does really well at work, and as I’m writing these he turns to me and says, maybe I can draw disability and stay home all day with you! I told him if you quite your job you’ll be living alone! God help Me! Reading your testimonials is terrifying, and makes it hard to breathe! Pray for me as I navigate my future. Thank you for sharing


Jeannette Cook
1:25 AM
Sat 28th Sep, 2019

My contribution must have been one that was lost. My saga has been going on for 40 years. Only in the last 10 have I been aware that it is not me. At 66 years old it is impossible for me to get out. Our finances are too entwined for now. I am learning to deal with it, and wish there were more information for those of us who can't leave. My health has really taken a nose dive from all the stress. If someone has the secret formula to dealing with this problem, I would like to hear it. For now, I am stuck.


Christine
9:53 AM
Tue 24th Sep, 2019

Some of my thoughts after reading the most recent testimonials: 1) The "happily ever after" fairy tales we are raised with are dangerous to our well-being. We are set-up for unrealistic expectations for adult relationships. Especially harmful is Beauty and the Beast. Belle stays because she is a prisoner. Love reforms the beast in the fairy tale but love can't reform an Aspie. No level of self-sacrifice is ever enough. 2) If anyone ever refers to women as the "weaker sex," have them read these testimonials for a taste of the degradation that women married to Aspies endure. 3) I have concluded that Aspies need the robot "Stepford Wives" from the 1975 movie based on the Ira Levin novel. These robot wives will be the mothers and caretakers the Aspies need with no expectation of reciprocity that real women in real relationships require.


Roisin
8:00 AM
Mon 23rd Sep, 2019

One thing that has always mystified me about my former AS partner is the way that he could completely “fake it,” turning on charm and sweetness to neighbors and to his gym acquaintances, on a daily basis, and saving the cold indifference for me, the person who loved and cared for him. It was baffling - why not reserve the kind facade for the person at home, and put up uncaring barriers with actual strangers? I asked him about this a few times, and of course received no response. Birthday cards and generous gifts to a couple of distant relatives, regularly, I suppose to maintain a positive image in their eyes? I used to thank him for “the crumbs from his table” that he would occasionally toss in my direction. Exhausting, humiliating. So glad to be away from this man!


Michele
1:36 AM
Sun 22nd Sep, 2019

I come to this sight often to read about others and they're experiences because it's the only real support that I have. Unless you live in this type of relationship, you simply just can not understand it. I have been married for 32 years to an undiagnosed aspie. I have 3 grown children. One child and 1 grandchild are autistic as well. My life has always been a long, and lonely nightmare. Since there was no information years ago about autism I've spent my life blaming myself and trying to change myself. I believed that our marital problems were my fault because that's what my husband always told me. In the process of trying everything under the sun to make my husband "like" me, I had hopes that if I could find the right fix then he might finally treat me better. During this unsuccessful process I lost my entire being and today have no idea who or what I really am. I stayed in the marriage for my children believing that they needed both parents. In reality, which I didn't seen then, I really was the only parent that was there for them. By staying all I really did was expose my children to daily lessons of how to verbally, emotionally and physically abuse me, how to view me as a worthless piece of trash, to degrade me, call me horrible names, and to disrespect everything about me. My married life has been nothing more than me being totally alone. I've never had a partner,supporter, co parent, or friend in my husband, and have spent my adult life being his doormat and his mother. I've had to be responsible for all of the parenting, the bills, everything, all while he devoted his life to his job and to his need to check sport scores multiple times a day. He has no ability to communicate, he has zero comnon sense, zero friends, everything has to be done his way and his way only, he has no ability to be compassionate or caring, or to understand the difference between what's acceptable and what isn't. His only emotion is anger. I know that aspies have a different way of thinking about things than neuros do, but that doesn't mean that they can't understand right from wrong. I know that he knows better than to do what he does, but he also thinks that he can do no wrong. I also know that he really could care less about me or my feelings enough to work on changing his repetitive behaviors and bad choices. My biggest regret for staying with someone incapable of being selfless, is the effect that it had on my children. Since they grew up thinking that this was all normal, I now have a daughter who chooses bad people to be in relationships with, which causes consequences for my grandchild. For that, I will never be able to forgive myself. After 32 years I no longer have the strength to cope with how things are, and am looking for a way out. In the meantime I'm working hard on getting my daughter the help that she now needs in making better choices and in knowing how she deserves to be treated.


Mandy
5:04 AM
Sat 14th Sep, 2019

After being married for 21 years to an undiagnosed Aspie I finally left. I literally felt myself going mad. I became his mother, taking care of bills, household repairs,organising holidays and being the breadwinner as he was waiting for the ‘ big break’ that was coming his way. Refused to work in any menial jobs, set up hidden bank accounts for his own use, never paid for coffee/ drinks if he was out with his only friend or family...completely and utterly self absorbed. He only did what he wanted to do and only ‘ when he was ready’ . Wouldn’t do something just to make me happy. I told him many times the small things he could do eg. take me to a movie, buy me a coffee.. On our wedding day he took me up in a helicopter as a surprise, even though he knew I was scared of small planes/ heights. We had marriage counselling but he refused to participate, unable to speak about his feelings ( I only ever saw anger... no joy or sadness or regret) He then turned on the counsellors, gave them a list of grievances about their failings and refused to go back to them. At that point I realised it was like banging my head against a brick wall. We were never going to be a team,an impossible marriage and I deserved better. I can not describe the absolute peace and joy I now feel away from this man. Not his fault I know, but not relationship material...


Carolyn
4:02 PM
Thu 12th Sep, 2019

I'd like to add the voice of someone who realized, in hindsight, that my father was asd. Although he passed away in 1997 at 68yrs. old. It was a relief to get a label for his lack of empathy, rages, restricted interests (WWII, rifle marksmanship) and the total cut off he did with his 7 children when he divorced my mother after 23 yrs of marriage. He was an anesthesiologist, making good money, and left her for someone else. He spent a lot of money trying to avoid paying her her due. Smart, selfish, short fused, no friends to speak of, self-involved, solitary. It was no surprise perhaps, when I found myself married for 21 years to a man with ADHD and narcissistic features. My upbringing had created an expectation that I would receive little attention and that this was normal. I divorced my husband because the lack of attention and consideration was too painful to bear any longer. As I read these testimonials I am moved at the level of confusion and pain experienced. It is SO confusing to be with someone not NT. The mind tries and tries to find a way to make sense of something that makes no sense to an NT brain. I encourage people who no longer have any happiness to do whatever they can to free themselves from the situation. Life can become brighter and more worthwhile. And for the good of the children, believe me you are not necessarily doing them a favor by keeping them exposed to the lack of empathy in an asd parent. Even if it seems impossible for practical reasons to get out, keep looking for a way. One might show up, or you might be able to create one.


Jessica
11:00 AM
Wed 11th Sep, 2019

After reading the testimonials,I am much more convinced that my partner has asd. However I am very thankful that it isn’t as bad as some of the comments I’ve read. My partner seems to make attempts at correcting the unacceptable behavior. Be that as it may, this relationship can be so stressful at times and I feel like I’m making most of the concessions because he just doesn’t “get it”. Throughout his college and post graduate education, he was described by many as “weird”. I saw this early on but thought that since he was a nice guy, I would give him a chance. We live together, and he never even purchased groceries for about two months until I asked him to. He would never buy milk and one day after I finished the milk and started eating cereal, he asked me to pour some of my milk out of my bowl to give to him. I got so frustrated and asked him to buy milk. He said “ok” in an Ashamed manner like he realized how he was being by never buying groceries. He always bought groceries after that. He does this thing where he hits/taps my knee during movies. I ask him to stop and he continues. He said that when you love someone, you should be able to tolerate them. I followed that with, if you love someone and you know something bothers them, you should stop. I got so annoyed to the point where I told him that if there is a movie or show that I really would like to see, I can’t go with him. Then after seeing a show without him, he gets mad at me and just doesn’t understand why I just don’t deal with the tapping. He just doesn’t get it. I’ve talked to so many friends about this issue and they all agree-just stop. Then in therapy and he is upset because I say that next time we are in the movies, he should just not touch me. He’s upset because he doesn’t want us to be the old couple that never touches. It’s like there is absolutely no reasoning with him sometimes. It’s like certain things just don’t make sense in his mind. And there’s his goddamn phone. Earlier in the relationship it was so bad that I felt like I was by myself when I was with him. To the point where I thought about breaking up with him. We talk about it in therapy, and it’s gotten better...but then there are days like today where he’s been on his phone a ton when I’m talking to him. He doesn’t even look up. Then tonight, when we get home from a night of me talking to him while he stares at his phone, he’s upset when I don’t want to lay on the couch and cuddle. It’s like ok now you’re ready to see me today? I don’t get it. We’ve gone over this in therapy and I’ve told him how it makes me feel. I just needed to vent and let that out


Paul
7:27 AM
Wed 11th Sep, 2019

My partner and I are gay and have been together nearly 18 years I’m not sure when I realised he has Aspergers Life is not easy. At times, I have contemplated suicide. I wish I had never met him. I imagine how my life without him could be and how relaxed I’d feel. There is nothing I can say about him which I find likeable. I don’t hate him....just feel sorry for him.....and me. We don’t socialise and tend to keep ourselves to ourselves as that is how my partner prefers it. Yet, amazingly , we have recently become friendly with another couple...a husband and wife. My partner is comfortable with them and enjoys their company. When I have spent time with them on my own I have spoken of the difficulties and stresses I feel living with my partner. They have noticed things about him and asked me if I thought he had Aspergers. Of course I said yes. I had believed that sharing this knowledge with someone else, would give me a sense of relief. In fact, I feel I have been disloyal to my partner and , in a way, betrayed him. It feels like a secret which should have remained unspoken. Yet it wasn’t OUR secret...it was MY secret. He thinks he is perfect and everyone else is at fault so how could he see things from my perspective. He can’t. I feared I may have risked losing the friendship of this couple, but for now, they still want to see us. If anything, I think they may be showing more patience and understanding. I probably should try and be more positive when chatting to them as I don’t want to be seen as the ‘bad guy ‘ here. But it’s hard...very hard. Trying to create an illusion that ‘everything in the garden is rosy ‘ when it’s not , is not easy. I’m not sure what the point of my comments is , maybe confessing the guilt I feel at telling someone else my belief that my partner has Aspergers. I do feel resentment toward to him as to how our life together has not resulted into a happy partnership. It’s one sided in his favour as I give in to his wants and demands in an attempt to maintain the peace. More fool me I guess.


Myra Simone
9:16 AM
Mon 9th Sep, 2019

trying to plan a vacation with my husband has left nothing but sadness and even more isolation. He had a meltdown with me in a very small sushi restaurant. Several of my business associates were there. It was humiliating . I just got up and walked home. Why? Because he told me we were going to Europe even talked to me about using our credit card points to upgrade us on the flight. The owner of the restaurant came over to say hello to me because we know each. other. In the conversation my husband told him we were going to a place 6 hours from our house for vacation. First I ever heard of it . So I questioned him and he proceeded to have a meltdown. I would love to be without him but after 25 years of marriage I feel like I should just stay put. I have to say I have no idea who I am around him, anymore. The meaner he has become the stronger my anti-depresssants have become.


B
11:01 AM
Sat 31st Aug, 2019

I just wanted to thank you. I'm glad I came across this website. I'm a man but it's the SECOND Asperger's woman I attracted into my life and I can FINALLY understand what was going on. I'm a bit of a caretaker and too nice for my own good, I tend to attract crazy but, but this last time I thought I was really in love, with a character she was playing. Now I know the two autistic women I let into my life aren't the run of the mill narcissists, the sex, the driving, the speech, the creepy motionless face, the sensitives to flavors and textures, the inflexibility, controlling... I feel less horrible and confused at least knowing what hit me. I'm getting better at defending myself. All this "ableism" bullshit is becoming dangerous......... Thanks again for this website! It made me pull out of the relationship before it got even worse. I'm glad she wasn't especially good at maintaining the facade longer as well. :)


Mirna
12:09 PM
Fri 30th Aug, 2019

I am tired of being the mother of my high functioning autistic husband. I do not know what to do when my husband who is 45 years old needs more help than my actual children. I have to tell him how, when and why to do everything. My nine and ten years old children understand more than my husband. I have been married for over 11 years and I really want to divorce him. I am emotionally and physically exhausted.


Berlin
8:31 PM
Sat 24th Aug, 2019

My husband of 26 years has recently been diagnosed with high functioning Aspergers. I suppose the diagnosis has offered some context and insight into why I have endured decades of loneliness, passive aggression, and emotional coldness that has left me depressed and bitter. For financial reasons, divorce isn't an option at the moment. My husband is intelligent and quite gentle, but he has also been deceptive, a relentless "right fighter", utterly incapable of empathy, completely friendless, clueless about my emotional needs, and a cheater. What does an NT wife do with an Aspie who inflicts unbearable emotional pain through his infidelity and then has no idea how to repair the damage he created? The "empathy deficit" certainly comes in handy for him, and this is what I resent the most. I have trouble sympathizing with a condition when that condition causes me pain and absolves him from responsibility. Aspies can inflict pain and then simply walk away from you with no accountability to the damage they've caused. How does one deal with that?


Sarah
6:51 AM
Fri 16th Aug, 2019

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be married to a ' normal ' guy. Go out for a meal? Go to the local pub and talk to people? Have friends around for a meal? (Firstly, need to have friends.) Go to a party that someone that doesn’t know us very well has invited us to? Agree TOGETHER that we should decorate the living room? Agree on how to decorate it? He really doesn't care how it’s decorated. Now, I really don't care if it ever gets decorated. What’s the point there's only him and me that sees it. I listen all the time to 'his stuff' but anything I say is interrupted or ignored. I have told him over the last 5 years about health issues I have, and are only going to get worse, but unless I present with a broken leg in a plaster cast he won't take any of it in. I keep going. I keep doing all the things I should and he doesn’t notice when I'm struggling……………A couple of years ago I got rushed into hospital and may not have survived. When I was sent home all he said was he had missed me because he needed me to do the house work. Well that showed how much he cared…………All the autism sites tell me it’s not his fault. But does that mean his deficits are my fault? I have abandoned all hope of a normal, sociable life of partnership with my husband. We sit out a waiting game. Which of us will die first? In truth I wish I could wake up dead tomorrow.


jodie
7:47 PM
Tue 13th Aug, 2019

Quote, "I never feel humiliated." Make sense of this if you can. My husband with ASD of 20 years said this.There's no understanding of emotions in ASD. They claim they have empathy but they have no understanding of the profound consequences of emotion. The only emotions they feel are negative fear and worry.


Lani P
7:55 AM
Mon 12th Aug, 2019

My undiagnosed AS husband of 20 years was so oblivious he almost let me die at home this winter. Thank angels for my daughter who checked up on me and saved my life from ending there on the sofa from a serious illness. I can't even describe what it is like to be in a marriage like this but i am glad to have found this site. Thank you all for sharing and for anyone going thru this now - GET OUT while you can. Love to you all.


Roisin
4:44 AM
Mon 5th Aug, 2019

This is a much-appreciated, validating site. Scary but necessary to share my experience. I was in a relationship with an undiagnosed AS man for nearly six years; still suffering some PTSD, Cassandra syndrome, over two years later. Was frequently abused physically and emotionally. The worst was when, during a visit to our jointly-shared storage unit, he threw a wreath laced with sharp seashells into my forehead, cutting me up - (it was like "the crown of thorns," blood trickling down my face - I had simply suggested that he put some high school and college journals that had been sliding around in the back of the car for seven months into the unit!)- unbeknownst to either of us, there was a man in the storage facility who had witnessed everything, and announced that he was calling 911. I was shoved into the car and, when we returned home, I was crying and bleeding. I asked, "What if I have scars?" He stood, unemotional, and responded "I have scars all over my body." I said, "Not from having someone that you love hurting you --- from fishing and chores." He said, totally calmly, "I will go get you some Mederma," and left.... Separate bedrooms, robotic sex, no passion, no empathy, all sorts of secrets and information withheld from me....OCD, totally regimented behavior...I was an easy target all of the time, although I tried and tried to support all of his obsessions, to the detriment of my own interests and well-being. Constant isolation, silent treatment, leading to despair and sadness. Fake persona displayed to neighbors and his few family members, and after those rare visits and encounters he would become completely debilitated and totally unresponsive to me. I was lucky to have been able to extricate myself from this relationship- I am strong and have been able to rebuild my life, but still sustaining horrific nightmares sometimes. To those involved-- all of you NT's -- my deepest empathy. Had I understood what I was getting into at the beginning, I would have run for my life much earlier. There is hope, and help, and you are not alone!!!


Sarah
2:11 AM
Mon 5th Aug, 2019

I've read alot of the testimonials and realise how old some of us are .Aspergers hadn't been identified when a lot of us met our husbands. In fact I guess we had already gone through a nightmare of 20 years before having any idea .I know I did . From the time I met him I looked after him . All I am now is his carer . There is no partnership . There is no 'doing things together ' I listen to him when he's ' banging ' on about things . I say ' I'm not disagreeing with you ' but still he goes on and on as if I was. He isn't all bad . In a lot of ways he could be described as a nice guy . But he has no understanding of a marriage partnership . No idea of anything that I might need . There is no spontaneous affection . If I get a hug its because he has suddenly remembered that that's what NT s want . Sex ? Let's not be silly here .


JR
11:40 AM
Wed 31st Jul, 2019

Our wedding was in 1975. He was intelligent, charming, in an excellent job. He was 34, i was 24. A year later i became pregnant with twins. I went into labor at 7 1/2 months. He went to work. I had to call ambulance. Lost twins. Hospital rang him at work. He remained at work, stopped in on way home. Gave me gift of perfume, no hug or comforting. Worked all next day,again stopped at hospital on way home. I was sent home with him. Next day he went off on 3 day business trip, i laid in bed and cried, all alone. We eventually had a beautiful son. He has no affection for him, treats him either like a playmate or emotional punching bag. He had high level job in Manhattan, company gave him big promotion. He accepted new position, then walked out to work with man he hardly knew. Lasted 3 months, he walked out. Unknown to me, he stopped paying our mortgage. When bank about to reposess house he took off to Wisconsin leaving me and our son to discover our home was no longer ours. We moved to Florida. Husband began coming to visit, then showed up demanding to move in. Our son married, moved to Seattle away from his father. My life has always been focused on our son, protecting him. Now husband is 79, i am 69. Divorce at this stage of life not for me. He continues believing he is perfect husband and father, my son and i could fill several books with the Hell he has put us through over the years. I have friends and social life and live separate life from husband who has never had a friend nor wants one and his family closed their doors to him many years ago. I have recently discovered Aspbergers and now can understand all of what i have endured. There should be required testing before marriage licenses are issued so people can know beforehand and have ability to walk away and find a loving caring happy marriage with someone else..and children can have TWO loving caring affectionate parents.


MM
6:36 PM
Thu 25th Jul, 2019

I am married to an undiagnosed Aspergers or ASD 46 year old man for 19 years. We have 2 kids, boy and girl, our boy is diagnosed ASD because I pushed to know what was going on and needed to know how to help him. My marriage or should I say lack of relationship has become intolerable. I am trapped in this loveless home, where there is no joy, no love, only existing... I am the care giver to all 3, my husband is the bigger child. His moods are terrible, coming home from work creates and anxiety I cannot describe as am I going home to Jekyll or Hyde. I want to stay in our home with our kids and have asked him to leave and he refuses saying we leave in a box. I do not want to unsettle my kids but I think I will have to go uprooting my little ones all to give him his own way, yet again. It's his way or no way. I have no opinion that he acknowledges, he makes decisions and doesn't tell me. It's like I have no right to know anything that's happening. He has no empathy or consideration for my extended family but for his own he puts on an act of mr nice guy. he says nasty things then denies it. We have had very little physical relationship in the last 19 years, He told me he doesn't like it but wanted the kids. He says he has no urge towards me and but that he wants to keep the house together, which I take it to mean I continue to be Cinderella. He will never leave this house and is using our son to ensure than I don't either. I feel trapped, it's like a hostage situation where even my thoughts and actions are controlled to keep the peace. It's exhausting, I feel like the happiness has been sucked out of me leaving this damaged, shell of a person. Anti depressants have helped in the last 6 or 7 years. It's sad to admit that to get through life you need to medicate whilst my Husband plods along "fine with Fine". He's happy, hasn't changed in the last 20 years. Nobody outside our house had a clue that I was living this joke of an existence as he would always push that we have a great marriage "we never argue" - so True! because we never talk to argue! unless it's to do with a need to talk. I have been his Mother and that's what he wants... not a wife.... not a friend or partner... a Mother who will do everything but wipe his rear. I feel used, neglected, unloved. I am 44, feel like I can't wait for my life to be over to have peace in my head. I have become brainwashed to try to keep my Husband and Son calm, don't rock the boat, keep the house quiet, running like a train where change or anything spontaneous is veto'd. Visitors are not welcome. We are isolated and he works 100% from home so he is now in the house all the time. Never leaves, there is no respite from this hell. He has decided the marriage is going to work and therefore as he thinks it then I must too as he cannot see I have an opinion or original thought of my own. By work he means continue as is, like Groundhog Day. No intimacy (not that I want that now) no laughs, just work, sleep, eat, stay in the house, see no one. 44 and I want my life to be over but my source of strength to keep going are my 2 kids and trying to limit the amount of influence he as on them.


Sarah
3:06 AM
Tue 23rd Jul, 2019

NT married to an aspie . OMG . My life .Am I screwed or what . Yes I guess I am . He's not violent now . Had too much to lose didn't he ? 40 plus years of having the life sucked out of me I have no hope left . I just want to be no more .


Laura
1:06 AM
Sat 20th Jul, 2019

Thank you for all of your testimonials. I am an (inordinately patient and accommodating) step mother of an undiagnosed 12 year old with ASD. The impact it has on all of us is immense and there's no recognition or even belief of this amongst anyone we know therefore no support or empathy. I have often felt like leaving but I love my husband so much and we have a young child together who I don't want to take away from her family home. Walking on egg shells all the time, being held hostage in our home, every single event that is supposed to contain joy being full of melt downs and stress is just an awful experience of life. Whenever you confide in anyone they say " Well it's much worse for your step daughter who is in a state of heightened anxiety" I know this and we act accordingly, accommodating her every wish and need for control but it makes life heavy and isolated and boring. Birthdays, holidays, Christmases, gatherings, celebrations, days out are all fraught with tension to the point where I now avoid these events and feel I don't have a full life. She is awful towards her mother it's like watching someone have to be in an abusive relationship with no way out, this impacts her mum's mental health very badly. I'm so glad I found this forum, i have just read the Cassandra Syndrome page and it has really resonated with me.


janis
7:38 AM
Sun 14th Jul, 2019

I cannot thank you enough for your article on Post Traumatic Relationship Syndrome. I think it is brilliant! It is a spot on analysis of what I have experienced in my almost 40 year marriage and am in the process of healing from now.......I think that one's fundamental beliefs in the goodness in people and fairness in life is a double edged sword. First it works to confuse and blind us to the true nature of what is happening to us at the time and then once we free ourselves from the abuser, it shakes us to the core to have to take our rose colored glasses off and see the horrendous reality of our life experience.....Your article is a wonderful gift for those who, unfortunately, from their own experience really get it. Thank you so much!!!


Magenta
4:02 AM
Fri 12th Jul, 2019

I read the testimonials and I agree with everyone's testimonials. I am married to someone who had just been diagnosed with high functioning autism and I am really considering whether I should continue the relationship or not. We've been together for 10 years but married for almost 5 years. Throughout our relationship I have always wondered what was going on. The mood swings, the lack of commitment, the stone walling, the insults, the projections and lately, the financial burden because my husband just decided to quit his work despite accumulating a big debt which I now have to shoulder. His excuse is - now he is an autist, he refuses to work a normal job. In the meantime, I have to pay for all the bills and his debt, deal with his mood swings and still end up being the bad person or the "damaged one" in all our arguments. His late diagnosis just gave a name to the craziness he has been showing through the years. But now that he is diagnosed, he has the license to be more crazy, more obnoxious and more entitled. I'm really at my last drop because if I don't get a divorce, I think I am going to turn crazy myself. The burden without the reciprocation is just too much. If I would've known he is an autist I would not have married him. He masked his behaviour when we were new together and I though I have found the one. I even moved countries, quit various jobs, sold my house and my possessions to be with him. These sacrifices will never be paid off or reciprocated. I always have to be the one to compromise until I am starting to feel I am no longer me. Its just too much to sacrifice, it takes everything from you. It will still not be enough and it will never stop.


Frustrated Coworker
7:48 PM
Thu 11th Jul, 2019

I’m not in a relationship with one, but because I have to work closely with this person, it sure feels like it, and I think I may be losing my mind. I love my job, and went through a harsh training period, but am now up to speed and good at what I do. Unfortunately, I have a coworker who blatantly ignores rules, won’t respond to advice or reminders to stop making the same mistakes - NEVER apologizes when called out for being lazy or repeatedly doing a part of the job wrong. The best part is that if she starts watching me work (which sometimes she does, and it’s creepy), she’ll find something to nitpick, and will start screaming rudely at me about it. She speaks to me in a rude, informal manner - when she communicates at all. That’s another part of her problem. She won’t communicate when it’s important. If I need to know something about what we’re supposed to be cooperating on, I can depend on her to not tell me, and it feels deliberate. She’s been told repeatedly by our boss to stop withholding important details because it hinders the rest of us from getting our part of the job done properly, but she won’t listen. She won’t even respond to greetings, so I’ve stopped greeting her. Why bother? Because of all of this, I am 99.9% certain she has AS, but - thanks to labor laws - am not allowed to be informed. Well, that’s helpful, isn’t it? I could get in trouble if she decides I’ve taken a bullying tone with her when having to remind her to stop making certain mistakes if she’s part of a protected class, but I’m not allowed to know. It would also concretely explain why she does what she does, were I told directly, which would help me to understand that her actions aren’t malicious, and just take it in stride...but that’s the thing, isn’t it? People with AS can most certainly be intentionally malicious when they want to, and sometimes even target people in particular they decide they don’t like - but we can’t do anything about it. They’re disabled, so we have to just put up with it. I had my head bitten off every time I made the smallest mistake while I was in training, but she’s been with us for over a year now, and gets a pass for everything, even when she does dangerous things - repeatedly! There are things she’s done that normal people would have been fired for by now, but nope. Heaven forbid she should decide to sue for discrimination. So working with her is a living hell, and I’ve resorted to never speaking to her or responding to anything she says unless I absolutely must, because no matter how good my intentions might be, or how nicely I ask a question, it always ends badly. I never know when she’s going to snap and be rude, mumble an unintelligible response at me, or simply not even be bothered to listen to what I say, so I give up on it unless it’s basically an emergency. Otherwise, I wait until the boss turns up, or another coworker who can help out arrives. I’m sick to death of having to passively allow her inconsiderate, uncommunicative and sometimes belligerent behavior to slip on by, just because the company is afraid of getting sued if she decides she doesn’t want to take direction on a certain day, and it’s reaching a serious boiling point now, as I have to continually pick up her slack when she decides she just doesn’t want to complete a part of any given task. I’ll stand my ground because I’m good at my job, get along just fine with the rest of my coworkers, and refuse to let her chase me off, but it’s definitely a trying situation I wish there were some solution for. I’m grateful to have stumbled across this site. In this age of autism worship, it’s really nice to find a safe haven for people who are/have been abused or victimized by them. We seldom get to have a voice.


Dot
6:23 AM
Thu 11th Jul, 2019

Everyone who writes here is telling the truth about their relationships. I ran into an acquaintance the other day. He is autistic and has recently married. I asked him how married life was treating him. He said he didn’t realize she’d be around all the time, but he gets time to himself by going into the city two days a week. He paused and then said, “It’s good to have a friend.” I was beyond words. I wondered why he didn’t just get himself a pet. He’d love it more than he does his new wife.


Nora
2:45 AM
Wed 3rd Jul, 2019

I would like to thank the neurotypicals who use this site. I am an NT who is new to the experience of AS and I have been struggling with a new relationship with an AS man. It has been daunting and confusing, so I applaud you for clarifying what I suspected, but felt too guilty to embrace. Thanks especially to David.


Safe
5:56 AM
Mon 1st Jul, 2019

As I read the most recent posts, it came to mind that one of the reciprocal expectations in an adult relationship is trust. And, that is something we can never have with a person afflicted with Asperger's. The Aspie "relationship" begins with deceit. We fall in love with someone who does not exist. And, we find out slowly or quickly depending on how long each Aspie can keep up the mask. Once we find out, we can never trust them again. We ask ourselves, what else have they lied about? Are we simply momentary distractions from their netherworld? Whatever their motivation, it is always dishonest and always hurtful. They need to stop.


David
5:40 PM
Sun 30th Jun, 2019

I do not agree with the notion that Asperger syndrome is just a different kind of "normal".  That idea is simply propaganda promoted by militant Asperger activist groups and by professionals who enable their behavior and call it a variant of "normal."  What such professionals fail to realize is that humans have evolved over hundreds of thousands of years to have qualities like social connection, caring about each other, understanding each other's feelings, ability to relate to basic emotional needs, and emotional reciprocity.  This is not an accident.  These are some of the qualities of normal human behavior that have fostered success as a species, and we cherish those qualities in each other, because they make us feel safe and emotionally fulfilled- a basic human need.  The problem I have encountered in my life as a neurotypical is that people with Asperger syndrome are frighteningly good a mimicking normal when it suits them, only to entrap an unsuspecting victim into a relationship that is doomed to fail most of the time.  Websites like this serve an important purpose- it is to raise awareness that a small group of people exist who are simply not normal, but who are portrayed as such, and who can have a destructive effect on the rest of us.  We should have sympathy for such people, but we do ourselves a disservice by calling them normal, and becoming involved in a relationship with someone who cannot possibly meet our basic emotional needs.  Mental health professionals have become so consumed with protecting the rights of people with mental disabilities, that they have failed to protect those who have suffered mental illnesses as a direct result of interacting with mentally disabled people.  How screwed up is that?  Don't expect an Asperger patient to care about this- they will not even understand what you are talking about, and they will become offended- it is part of their mind-blindness. But I think it's reasonable to expect professionals to protect the rest of us, but they do not.  Therein lies the problem.  Everything is considered "normal" these days- we live in an "anything goes" society, where it is fashionable and politically correct to protect everyone.  That's fine, but I draw the line when protecting a minority group results in harm to the majority.  We should be able to protect both.


Jody
8:52 AM
Sun 30th Jun, 2019

In families and marriage partnerships where one person is neurotypical and another has Autism, the culture of telling neurotypicals to be more resilient by giving them a to-do list on how to manage and cope with their relationship to assist their autistic partners, ignores the shared responsibility of all parties………………..The current system of counselling, therapy and medication, as advocated by professionals and experts, is broken. Acknowledging that relationships can be very difficult for someone with Autism by its very definition, and warning the neurotypical of these truths, would allow neurotypicals to make informed decisions and choices which will affect the rest of their lives……………..Educating and informing neurotypicals that they will be expected to take up almost all of the slack in the relationship is the only ethical way. Mutual return of warmth, affection and partnership which is vital in intimate relationships, will be absent: intimacy dysfunction, disappointment and life-long loneliness for neurotypicals will be overwhelming…………………The current system is broken: vague, minimising definitions of the complex neurological, developmental, cognitive, physical disability that is Autism does no-one any real service. Trivialising and denying neurotypical concerns about real danger and emotional abuse that can happen to them as a result of the autistic person’s inability to cope in relationships, is unethical.


At wits end
6:05 AM
Tue 25th Jun, 2019

I’ve been married for 3 years, together for 6 to an undiagnosed 50yo man with Asperger’s. My son lives with us and his kids live far away (they visit twice a year). We started having issues when his kids would come and I would plan activities and work to get them to treat our house as a home. They didn’t care and what shocked me is neither did he……………We never had a united goal or front, he would say something to only get me off his back…………….On vacation last year I was so upset by his reaction in an argument that I mentioned it to a common friend. They mentioned they thought he was autistic and figured maybe that attributed to the reaction. I was confused. Autistic? Three days of googling. I was having anxiety (actually went to the ED thinking it was a heart attack) and horrified to realize how clearly, he fit the profile. It explained so much…….When I finally figured out the best way to bring it up, to my surprise, he wasn’t upset. He said some of his family members were mis-diagnosed with Asperger’s and he laughed it off. WHAT? He took a quick online test I found and argued about each question……………..He came home from work the next day and said he told the guys at work that I thought he was autistic and they laughed and said that’s what their wives think. I was horrified at how he diminished it to water cooler gossip…………….I Found 2 counselors online that I talked to in order to get more info on this new world to me, I was clueless about it………….We have been seeing a 2nd counselor now since Feb and honestly have not seen any change. He now uses the term Asperger’s as a way to blame me. “You think I have this, if so, you need to deal with it”………………….Over the last 3 months, I opened up to some friends about it and couldn’t believe their reaction. It’s like they think I’m crazy. I’ve since shut down sharing. Over a month ago, I lost it and he decided he couldn’t take it! He started sleeping in his son’s room and just acting like business as usual. I told him that he can’t live here like a roommate with my son. He said until I sell the house he’s not moving. Then he acts friendly…………….My son started asking why he was sleeping in a separate room. It’s been over a month now; he treats that as his bedroom and doesn’t even say good night anymore. My son asked to sleep with me last night and said he thought it was so weird he sleeps in his own son’s room. I had no response. He’s relaxed, even told me about a home project he’s planning to do this summer. No personal dialogue at all. It’s like nothing has happened.


Standing upright
11:55 AM
Sun 9th Jun, 2019

The previous posts explaining that narcissism is part and parcel of Asperger's helped me see his behavior for what it was ... all about him! How easy it was for him to blame everything on me, explode with rage, and tell me he no longer had feelings for me. He would not allow me to speak. He had to have the last word. After he broke up with me. He was immediately online looking for someone else. He is in denial about his Asperger's. It is easier for him to look for someone else than to face his "demons." In reality, he is incapable of relating to another human being. No amount of love, patience, kindness, or self-sacrifice matters. Yes, "beating a dead horse" is an apt description. And, "Do not cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." So happy to be standing upright again.


Me
8:58 PM
Fri 31st May, 2019

My husband suddenly left (to escape couples counseling) and we were living separately for a year in a financially unsustainable way of his own making. I had lawyers draw up a proposed divorce settlement. He didn't want a divorce so would not cooperate or discuss, but the financial and child situation did not allow me to leave without some reasonable cooperation from him. So we moved back in together. I tried to live as a self-sufficient, silent roommate but became depressed. Eventually, a year later, I broke down and told him I was not sure I could survive living together, that it is really not healthy for me to live with the lack of interaction, so much so that I often felt like I wish I could die, and that it had been really hard on me since he moved back in. He, meanwhile, had seemed perfectly happy and clueless the whole time. I told him I had been to a therapist, but her advice was to divorce. His only response was to say, "Holy bananas." At some point in the short conversation he said, without emotion, "It sounds like I have let you down in marriage." (This is NOT news to him, believe me, and we'd been in couples counseling, etc.) So I said, "Well, I've been talking about that for decades now and I don't think this conversation is more likely than any of the others to accomplish good rather than harm, so I'm going out." I worked alone in the yard for 2 hours then was heading out to do errands. He came to the car and said, "I have to ask you something. Do you have an actual plan to commit suicide or just a death wish?" I said, "I haven’t found any method that sounds foolproof, and it seems to me that being miserable and disabled would be worse than miserable and healthy.” He said happily, “Oh. So, not so bad then” and went back in the house. That was 3 months ago and there have been zero further words or changes on that or any other personal topic. He thinks he loves me and that he is a pretty decent husband.


Me
7:56 PM
Fri 31st May, 2019

We've been married almost 30 years. Because of family and finances, I cannot divorce at this point (I've tried a couple times) and probably not ever, but have thoroughly detached emotionally. We discuss any practical chores or arrangements by email while he is at work, and he cheerfully offers a sentence or two of bizarre news headlines while eating with the family in the evening. If someone tries to make conversation by asking him questions about the headline, he has no further information but will not admit that he has no actual idea what he is talking about. That is our entire personal interaction. Believe me, I have put in all the love and effort possible over the years, but the truth is, once I gave up, he became happier than ever. He doesn't want a wife who talks or feels, reaches out, offers kind words or ideas. I'd realized long ago he wasn't into conversation or partnership, but he's actually chipper and helpful if I completely ignore him. I have to not even say "hello," "goodnight," or "thank you" and share nothing of my thoughts or feelings, ever, for him to seem relaxed and for me to not be constantly hurting. He used to be amazingly passive aggressive, but now that I ignore the hell out of him he is more helpful. He still won't keep track of, plan, or remember anything, but he will do household projects (that he wants to do) with unfailing patience. I have to stay completely out of it and offer no advice, praise, or thanks or he goes passive aggressive again and delays or bungles the project. It's very hard to have friends of my own. It sometimes heals but often breaks my heart to have good times with others. It takes a lot of energy to switch back and forth from husband interactions to loving, talkative people interactions. To receive caring from others makes it harder for me to live in peace at home and not feel sorry for myself. When I tried to divorce, my best friends knew, but one just kept trying to analyze and help my husband, the other is frustrated that I didn't end up leaving, so my best relationships became strained. I hate all the advice to get emotional sustenance from others. My husband gets jealous if I have close relationships with others which adds additional difficulty. Not many married people socialize with just one of a married couple and I don't want to go anywhere with him. It's a hard row to hoe.


facilitator to "lost"
4:50 AM
Mon 27th May, 2019

Professor Tony Attwood has called the behaviour of people with Autism, "Jekyll and Hyde". They are charming outside the home, but change when they are inside home. Your spouse obviously believes he's really charming, which is an insult to you, his spouse, who sees his real behaviour.


lost
5:47 PM
Sun 26th May, 2019

He just said, if he was like what he is at home, outside, no-one would talk to him. Then he said he's his real self outside. What do I make of this?


Ann
5:47 AM
Fri 24th May, 2019

Reading these testimonials for several months now has helped me process an abusive relationship that I, a non-autistic woman, had with an autistic man – let’s call him Bob – in his 40s. I met Bob through mutual friends, who described him as “nice,” “quiet”, and “shy.” At first, Bob pretended that he was not autistic. Because we grew up in two different countries, speaking different languages, I initially blamed our painful communication issues on cultural differences. Bob and I shared the same career interests. I did not know then that Bob’s career was his special interest. Bob presented himself at being VERY successful in this field. I also did not know that Bob did not make ANY money. What I thought was Bob’s lucrative career was simply a hobby he did for fun. When I found out that he was living on social services, he blamed mysterious business partners on Bob’s poverty. Bob only divulged he was autistic after he had a VIOLENT melt down over a cup of lukewarm coffee that he deemed too warm. After this, fast forward into the future, he had such a bad meltdown that he kicked me in the stomach. Because here in 2019 in The United States there is a pro-autism movement in which media and celebrities promote the notion that autistic boyfriends are the most loyal, trustworthy mates…and also because I have a close autistic female friend…I thought I should embrace a romantic relationship with this “nice,” “quiet”, and “shy” autistic male. We had a TON of communication problems. My feelings were hurt when he spent all his time on the phone speaking with mutual friends, but never had the time or energy to speak with me. Also, he ignored my texts. What hurt me the most was how he ignored me on holidays. After educating myself on autism, I learnt that my birthday was probably not important to him, so I went out of my way in advance to explain that I needed him to wish me a happy birthday. He never wished me a happy birthday. Even though I explained to him many times in many ways how important holidays and birthdays were to me, he did not make any effort to celebrate them…yet, he happily let me spend $300 on his birthday dinner before my ignored birthday occurred. Over time, Bob seemed more and more narcissistic to me. I got therapy for being abused by a narcissist and never blamed autism on his bad behavior. Bob and I had an intimate passionate relationship at first, but over time, he was not interested in me in the bedroom…instead wanted to watch soft porn television shows in bed together. The few times we had sex, he gave me a sexually transmitted disease (STD). I did not know what was wrong and went to the doctor. After the doctor gave me treatment for the STD and I confronted Bob, he immediately admitted he had an STD. When I asked why he did not get treatment for it, he ignored me. Also, when we went out on *dates,* he always wanted us to be surrounded by tons of mutual friends. He seemed to prefer to be alone or in large groups (even though he complained about how he had to be “saved from these people” when in large groups). He did not like being with me alone unless an activity related to his special interest was involved. When I initiated the breakup, Bob recruited his FAMILY members to contact me to tell me to try and persuade me to stay in the relationship. Bob thought we should speak with his father, who he did not like, to see if his father had ideas about how our relationship could be saved. After getting to know Bob, I grew disgusted with him (his lack of taking care of his health, his poor hygiene and how he used other people and me for money) and wanted to run for the hills. I thought it would be ethical to meet with him in person and explain to him my reasons for ending the relationship. It was like speaking to a wall. After I tried to have an amicable breakup, Bob viciously stalked me. After changing all of my contact information, the stalking has seemed to stop, but that was only after he confronted MY family members, who don’t know the whole story and think he’s just a “nice,” “quiet”, and “shy” guy. How I wish the American media STOPPED praising people only because they are autistic. People are all different. Some bad and some good. The way the current media tells it, all autistic people are innocent and good. From my personal experience, I have learnt that autistic people can be VERY BAD. I have also learnt that I am unhappy when dating narcissists and that the autistic man that I dated was a TOTAL narcissist. If you are thinking about marrying an autistic man, like I did, seriously do your research and get to KNOW KNOW the individual. By default autistic people are narcissist, so if you want attention and to be respected be sure that the autistic person you are involved with works in a system in which both of your needs are always reciprocated.


Penny
4:51 PM
Wed 22nd May, 2019

How anyone can expect to have a warm, close, loving, sharing adult, intimate relationship with someone who is child-like, cold, unemotional (except for their need to use controlling anger, fear and worry: now called anxiety and depression by the expert buffoons) and totally self-centred beats me.


David
5:16 AM
Wed 15th May, 2019

In response to Lottie's comment about "a lot of you guys coming across as really, really ableist", I would point out something that is painfully obvious to most of the individuals contributing to this site. It is not our intent to discriminate against those with disabilities. If someone cannot walk well, we help them cross the street. If someone has an intellectual disability, we find ways for them to learn. But those with Asperger syndrome often and willfully masquerade as "normal" people, realizing full well that they have a disability that prevents them from understanding the rules of neurotypicals, and they compensate for this by learning to "act" normal…………Their disability is first known only to themselves, and it is cleverly disguised, until we find out too late and become entangled with it. In effect, we are victimized by a clever, premeditated, and dishonest ruse in many cases. We become unsuspecting victims of an intelligent and manipulative person who is an actor, and then when he or she gets what they want, the mask drops and we are caught in a marriage or serious relationship with someone who fooled us all along, and whose disability is largely incompatible with a normal, reciprocal relationship. I do not accept that simply calling Asperger’s a "disability" is an excuse to cause harm to others- especially since individuals with this condition are often aware at some level of the act they are playing…………..FACILITATOR’S COMMENT: Lottie and David are both correct. This is the cognitive dissonance for NT’s who live with someone with ASD. It is further compounded by experts and autism advocates who would have us continue to enable the person with ASD as a pretence to improving marriage. Thank you to both Lottie and David for their pertinent comments.


Lottie
10:05 AM
Sun 12th May, 2019

A lot of you guys come across as really, really ableist.


FP
3:59 PM
Fri 10th May, 2019

Hello, I just wanted to add my 2 cents to what "Estelle" wrote on 9th May 2019. She wrote: "He is mysterious about what he is working on, playing an over-busy person, though not hired anywhere and without any firm of his own. I notice that he is masculine but effeminate..." The same is true for the Asperger/HFA-colleague I have to deal with at work. He had not been hired anywhere before he joined our company (just a few odd jobs here and there), yet he portrayed himself as a successful person (and still does!). He doesn't even have an area specialisation in his field of work (which is very uncommon in our business). He also has a very effeminate side... to the point where many people are convinced that he must be gay. At the same point he seems to be kind of asexual and clueless about all things sexual. I also wanted to say that Estelle seems to be a very kind and considerate woman (like all the people who wrote testimonials). She derserves SO much better that the guy she is with now. Her gut feelings are screaming loud and clear: "Run! This is bad for you!" Our guts talk to us for a reason... Kind regards!


faciltator
5:10 AM
Fri 10th May, 2019

Narcissism is part of the behaviours of people with autism. It is not a separate mental illness.


Estelle
8:54 PM
Thu 9th May, 2019

I am with an Asperger too. Fantastic connection to start with for few months, very attentive and motivated, but always late without excuses. My first irritation about it seem to have ended his "high" love rush, I got a 2 weeks silent treat... Tok it up again, tried to understand how remarks can be taken so hardly on this side. Then, impossible to plan anything, he would dump me last minute on week-ends, probably having found something more interesting to do on his own eyes. I ended up being alone at last minute with limited possibilities to be then joined by friends. He is always justifying his absences with strange stories (stranger and stranger, in fact, much to doubt about). He is mysterious about what he is working on, playing an over-busy person, though not hired anywhere and without any firm of his own. I notice that he is masculine but effeminate, very concerned by his look, very sporty and top shape is important to him. He is walking - I should say running, he runs all the time, always late- with his arms in strange positions. He has an high IQ, very busy studying some subjects as an expert to impress people around. He is collecting systematically papers everywhere we go, concert, galleries, monuments, etc... even if already taken before. I am not allowed to go to his place, it is always at mine (it is not nice enough, he says, he has many things...). He is quickly in "bad mood", very easily overreacting, crise maximizing for small things. Then he is shuting down, hiding completely under the cover, he can not communicate anymore, can not be touched... It drives me mad... He expects only good vibes, even when he arrives one hour too late... Only times he is showing up on time is if I book an event, concert or other that starts sharp on time. But he is arriving running last minute... What I find very difficult is the insecurity he is building up in me, on what he really does (sickly busy with thousands papers home or with other ladies ?). Then the feeling of not being respected, not being important to him, given his own self centered attitude. I feel like a mistress of a married man, as he is so "unavailable", including on key dates, being birthdays, valentine, national day or whatever, when I would really count on his presence. He says he is fully honest and faithful... For long, I thought he was Asperger, then clumsy and tried to understand and cope... But honestly I see him now also as a narcissist, who seems to have fun hurting my feelings and sabotaging all opportunities that I regard as important for building our relationship... He is very handsome, has a very attaching side, a boyish candour, that is very charming, he can be impressive in knowledge, but I end up feeling alone and not understood in my needs. I am backing up now, it is too difficult... and when I read about those who courageously tried for many years here, I am thinking that there is no way to succeed in establishing a relationship that is balanced... I would need to be a robot to cope, without feelings and needs, I feel... The question is that he knows what I need and he can deliver it as he did to start with, but he choose not to do it then anymore, wanting still to stay in a relationship ? What is the point ?


Sharon
7:31 PM
Wed 8th May, 2019

Yes been there with an undiagnosed ASPIE spouse of 50 years. The brain configuration is different . No need to expect anything from your ASPIE spouse they really do not need you and prefer to be alone. It's your choice to make a life with them or not. The way to make your life tolerable is have plenty of friends and social activities for yourself do not include him as this is for you.stop having expectations. Enjoy the benefits of their positive attributes and find routines for yourself that work in a positive way.Dont be dependent upon your partner for your well being .Self help and a counselor is best. Stop expecting to be a couple as he can never fulfill that role in a traditional sense. His brain does not work like that as he can not empathize, nor does he have the need to be with you. He enjoys his own company more than others or yours. He does not need affection or physical intimacy. You will have to share that with others You will have to find solace in your time with others and pursue your own interests. The lack of executive functioning skills will drive you nuts so accept you will be the one to conduct all the responsibilities In your lives.he can do the routine repetitive tasks such as mowing lawns, folding laundry, emptying the dishwasher,buying the regular groceries. You will do all the home repairs or hire the handyman,you will plan and organize all the meals,you will be in charge of the finances,you will plan all the social activities or holidays. In short he can not think ahead to plan or predict any of these things. He can do jobs he is use to that are in front of him. Anything not planned ahead that he does not know about he will not take part in.so no new foods no new activities no new friends. He requires down time after any activity and requires time alone. This is the way it is.He is incapable of a partnership.


Chantal Cormier
12:12 PM
Mon 6th May, 2019

I dated a man when I was 25. He was smart, had a house and a good job. We went camping, fishing and bike riding together. Two years later, we married. The day after the wedding, ig was like a horror film. He refused to eat at the table with me and chose to eat while playing on the computer. When I asked him to dit with me he got mad and said: what for? I already know what you look like! When I asked if he was mad at me he got even madder and started to scream at me to leave him Alone. I cried myself to sleep each night as he was a truck driver and worked nights. I wondered what I did to upset him! Why was he so cold and unresponsive emotionally. What troubled me the most was how he’d get irritated and mad when I cried in front of him. He’d tell: Why are you crying g?? Do you feel sorry for yourself? Our daughter was born 4 months after we married. He actually left me alone most of the 48 hours at the hospital. When he cane to pick us up, he was on the phone with his friend making plans to go fishing for the week-end thé next day. I begged for him to help me. He exploded and screamed at me in the hospital room but did wind up cancelling his plans. He started the surent treatment that weekend. I was a new wife and new mother. He ignored me and refused to talk for over a week. I was so sad and devastated. When he finally talked to me I was so happy that I had no idea that I was being emotionally abused. When both my kids were diagnosed with asperger s and then he as well, it finally made sense. I’ve been criticized, ridiculed, mocked, screamed at, yelled at, ignored and isolated for 15 years. My two kids are more like me than him and they keep me going on the bad days. I’m not a bad person. My faith in God keeps me going. I’ve learned to ignore him and create a life of my own. I won’t rule out leaving him once the kids are moved out. At that point I think I’d feel to lonely to live here anymore.


T
3:11 AM
Mon 6th May, 2019

I am not new to this site, but this is my first time sharing my story. I am so grateful for all the experiences you have all shared. It has pulled me out of a relationship that was emotionally mentally sexually and even physically abusive. I had left many times before, but my addiction to the aspie lured me back. Not this time. I'm 4 months out, and last night I ran into him at a social gathering. My heart dropped, but not from want, from repel. I am a very loving being, who adores her friends kids family, and when I'm in my flow my soul shines bright. Just being in the room with him shuts me down, my soul shrinks into the tiniest little ball inside. He has left so much damage from being in an intimate relationship with him. They make you feel unseen, worthless and mold us to be their perfect object of companionship while disrespecting and degrading us. There is no love, you are not special in any way, just a thing or object. I could go on about the behaviours of high functioning autism but as you know or have read, there is many shared traits but so unique in your own situation. All I can say is this, we are beings of love and joy, and if we are ever in a situation that dims this in us, then our birthright to experience happiness and life with curiosity and joy will burn out. It is very hard to leave, and the real work is after you gone, trying to heal so many deep wounds. But life is so short, and I choose to live. Because it truly is a gift and we should live it to our fullest. I believe I've gone through this extremely painful time to awaken and grow and finally shine in this beautiful world. I am grateful for my aspie, he really is a lovely man and some memories are good, but it is recovering from his Disfunctional way of relationship that grew an even more beautiful woman than he first met. And I believe I will be loved by a man exactly the way I love. Please know it will get better day by day if we focus on self love. And we will need lots of it for giving all our love to them with nothing in return. So much love and respect to all those who have shared, your stories heal the hearts of those of us who are in the crazy depths of despair, trying to get out.


Gigi
8:38 PM
Sun 5th May, 2019

I've been married 32 years. My husband has been to many doctors a d counselors and psychiatrists over the years, nobody caught it. It has been a lonely marriage on the emotional and physical side of things, but what a kind, gentle and caring man. A hard worker, great provider and allows me to do ANYTHING I want, mostly because he likes being alone. I just came back from a 30 camping trip with my dog. I was the one to suggest my husband be tested, he has "Aspergers". I took the trip because our 24 year old daughter has been dating a guy (first real boyfriend) that we would rather she didn't. I won't go into detail. They have been in counseling for three months and our daughter has actually got worse in her attitude and thinking. I have never suspected she was on the spectrum, but at 3:00am, in a tent, in the woods of Tennesee, a video started playing off youtube, "22 signs you have Aspergers " I had cried out to God to help me help our daughter, and He brought it to me in a YouTube video at 3am. I came home five days later, had a long talk with my husband and we met our daughter at the park (because she loves nature) and I told her what had happened and what I suspected. She was silent for a ling time while I explained the different things that seemed to line up. She ended up walking off but then coming around. It's taken only a couple days, but we have had the most wonderful conversations and the daughter that I "thought" I knew better than anyone is a stranger in a lot of ways, but I feel like I'm finally seeing the real woman. I asked her yesterday, what percentage do you believe you have ASD? She said 100%. So, we have some things to work thru and allow her to find out who she is, but it's going to be fine. She's a lovely young woman that we are very proud of. So talented in music, and just a kind person. Best wishes to you all.


Free
1:31 AM
Sun 5th May, 2019

I’m so grateful for this site. I’ve been involved with someone who has high functioning autism for 4 baffling years. I’m finally off of the merry go round. We never lived together, thank God. I could go on and on about his strange, selfish, my way or the highway mindset but it’s too exhausting. The last straw was him delegating my number when I didn’t attend a hiking trip with him and his friends and giving me the silent treatment for 2 week. Then, boom! He emails me “hi, how are you”. I’m done with the madness of thinking this man will ever Chang. I’m free!!!!!


FP
4:51 AM
Wed 17th Apr, 2019

Thank you for all your helpful testimonials. I am not in a relationship with an ASD-person, but I have to work closely with someone I strongly suspect has Asperger's/HFA………… He is in his late 40s, has a PhD and still lives with his parents. Before he came to our company a few years ago he has never had any official employment, he wasn't even registered as unemployed. His parents hid him at home for decades! He didn't even receive social security or health insurance just because he hadn't signed up for it…………… He gets very defensive and nervous when asked about his private life (I guess there is none besides his parents)…………. I am sure there has never been a diagnosis/therapy despite his strong autistic traits. Even our supervisor talked to him about his irritating behaviour (know-it-all, finishes everybody's sentences, high level of arrogance, has no executive functioning, very little common sense, bad personal hygiene, freaks out over minor incidences (everyday-stuff), gets nervous and agitated easily etc.). Still he claims that everything is okay…………… In my country you are considered legally disabled with Asperger's but he refuses to get any help. I have to share an office with him and it sucks the life out of me, yet everybody who has to work with him once in a while claims that he is "so nice".............. I told the supervisor I want to be transferred to another room. I really hope this will happen soon. Otherwise I will look for another job……….. Blessings to you all!


DS
9:21 AM
Tue 16th Apr, 2019

I'm married to an undiagnosed man with Asperger’s but didn't realize it until about 6 months ago. All along (40 years), I thought it was at least partly my fault for this loveless lonely sham of a marriage. I am in a place where I feel despair (I pray and hope somehow this will just work out, yet I know it won’t.) He is a coward; cannot stand up for himself (so forget ever sticking up for me); very immature in my opinion; selfish……………. He had an older sister who lorded over him, a brother who was VERY autistic but again never received any help (he died last year). People all said how nice he was but he almost killed my spouse when they were younger. He managed to get his temper under some control and with sibling help, lived alone in a trailer court and had a job. Never married but into pornography. I threw out my spouse's little bit he picked up when in the army……………Spouse is good provider, NOT verbally abusive, but NEVER says any compliments, stopped being nice to me with flowers, etc., after 6 months of marriage. I've always defended him and made excuses for him………………..I'm just very sad because my son never felt he had a dad. He suffers from that. He is very NT. Married someone great. My daughter has undiagnosed Asperger's. I always related to my son but found it difficult to understand my daughter. Sadly, she suffers from depression and high anxiety……………You can't fix Asperger's, but she is conscious of it because I've told her. Neither of my children REALLY believe me. I feel they have to have the "official" diagnosis to really believe it. They don't really want to "listen" to me, so it's been an added hurt………….I understand about the Cassandra phenomenon and not being believed. I haven't been able to say all this stuff to anyone. I tried counseling, but it doesn't quite seem to be helping me. I feel it's suicide, divorce, or just sticking it out. That's actually where I'm at. Moved to the extra bedroom. We haven't had sex for decades. That wouldn't bother me so much but there's NEVER been affection or intimacy...........He was like an animal when we were first married and I was the "good wife." I find I threw my life away to marry someone I wasn’t able to love. I’m done.


SJ
5:55 AM
Sun 14th Apr, 2019

I would like to say thank you for this website its positive comments have saved me feeling like I am on the edge of insanity…………. I met my husband 7 years ago. He is diagnosed with Asperger’s, and at first I was totally overwhelmed by his dedication, thoughtfulness and love towards me. Fast forward to the present date and I realise now, that I was his obsession. For the last two years he has left me at times feeling suicidal. The worst being when we lost a baby and he showed more interest in candy crush and a local band than my emotional distress. I went to the cemetery and he didn’t accompany me, as he said God and religion was bullshit, my visit to the cemetery wasn’t to pray it was to be near to my baby. I came home and cried and cried and he asked if I wanted a cup of tea and then processed to go back on his computer………….He will constantly re-invents himself, at one time he ‘always wanted to be writer’ then a photographer now he thinks he is a film director. I have fought like a tigress to have the husband who once pretended to love me……………. With the help of this website, I have come to realise that he never was that person. I can’t fix what wasn’t real. He has sent me to the brink of insanity, I have had a nervous breakdown and been diagnosed with PTSD…………which is really OTRS in this case; since losing the baby and his subsequent treatment of me. I have drunk heavily, medicated myself with prescription drugs, to find some solace or make sense of his behaviour towards me……………… He fails to recognise if I am wearing a nice dress, have nice nails or hair, whether the dinner I have cooked is healthy and tasty. More often than not its complaints that I serve too big a portion; it isn’t spicy enough. He has only scripted interest such do you want tea or coffee; do you have a meeting this evening? How was work? That’s it if he doesn’t use those scripted questions I am ignored for months……………… He will frequently use social media to boost his ego and believe he is part of something; he is a successful person and all of this on a few posts on Instagram and Facebook. He has numerous Facebook, Instagram and twitter accounts. When challenged he said it was to raise business profiles and networking, but that should be something you share with your wife surely? Then I found out he had 7 google plus accounts all in different names and the only people liking his posts was himself………. At times I feel scared that this man is a total stranger to me and I am unsure what he will do next. I feel humiliated by the way he has deceived me and treated me. The impact on my mental health, my children and my mother who worry constantly about me is something he is responsible for. A human being needs interaction, communication, empathy and partnership. He can’t give me those. Do I believe he can’t help it? In a nut shell no. He knows right from wrong. He knows he hurts me; I feel he has sociopathic tendencies and narcissism……………. The black hole he has put me in has two endings, I either climb out and rebuild myself from years of emotional abuse and leave or I just end my life. And ending my life isn’t an option. I used to be happy, social, have my own money and vivacious. I was always laughing, dancing and singing. I have a high-powered career and I refuse to let him take from me the qualities I was raised with. I am learning to re-build my self-respect, confidence and self-esteem. My advice to anyone going into a relationship with someone with Asperger’s is if you have a strong steel spine, broad shoulders and no need for reciprocal emotions then continue. If you don’t, walk away and don’t look back. From my experience they suck the very core from you.


pjh
5:40 AM
Sat 6th Apr, 2019

Thank you for the site you've created and the accountability you place on the abusive behavior which pervades the homes of those of us unlucky enough to have been seduced by someone with self-diagnosed Asperger’s (refused to get himself officially diagnosed but told me about 2.5 years in to our 12 years together). I find so much of my own experience here…………….. I am sick, have an auto-immunity based degenerative joint disorder thanks to childhood trauma but most certainly the last twelve years kicked it in full board. It's been isolating as no one in my once-quite-large community believes me. He took full control of the money. I had to leave my home and community built over 25 years to survive in a lesser priced city, starting from scratch with nothing. I still feel lucky to be out……………….. He hasn't given one iota of thought to the damage caused. There was never an apology for the violence throughout or at the end. It was verbal with some lunges and hands raised but a LOT of verbal abuse. This site puts it perfectly. That abuse sticks and cements itself in your memory and nervous system for quite some time……………………. My question is if there are any recovery recommendations you can suggest to get past the total lack of closure. The feeling of unfairness of all of this, that he enjoys love immediately, seemingly rewarded for abusing someone so horrible, while I live in a city where I don't know anyone working paycheck to paycheck to rebuild leaves me feeling utterly broken and trying to find a reason to keep moving forward……………… Empathy disorders will soon destroy humanity. The hidden aspect of the NT experience is inexcusable…………….. Thank you for your site. Thank you so much for taking the time to tell OUR stories. They walk away free of any illness, pain, remorse or regret. NT's are riddled with medical issues, energy depletion and emotional trauma taking years to heal if they heal at all. Something is hugely uneven and unfair about this arrangement……………….. The lack of macro empathy from ASD lobbies is just a larger version of the issues I experienced at home. Ignored, disregarded, and isolated. Please keep turning up the volume of our voices, and share our stories. We deserve just as much protection as the autism community. What better person to choose to bridge the divide felt by a person with ASD than to choose someone who has a link to the emotional world. I will sign off with a HUGE THANK YOU, again


ann
6:11 AM
Tue 2nd Apr, 2019

I recently ended a 5.5 year relationship with a man with ASD after catering to his needs, interests, schedules, and diet daily without in-kind reciprocation. I did all the cooking and housework. When there was something to carry or move, I did it. He opened perhaps 3 doors for me in 6 years. I became his therapist, listening to lengthy accounts of work and lunch, trying to soothe him from the critiques of his parents and associates. We didn’t talk about me. Sometimes I tried to get a quick phrase in, just to not feel invisible. I became an interjector, a blurter out of the shortest phrases possible before his ears closed. He rarely expended an effort on me that didn't involve his special interests, shopping and driving. He listened to me when he made shopping lists. If I wanted to go for a walk in nature, we might drive for two hours, walk for ten minutes, then drive back for two more hours. It didn’t matter that I don’t enjoy riding in cars. He was unaffectionate and never said a single endearment to me. My own endearments and nurturing of him were irrelevant toward fostering a bond; his capacity for that is absent…………………Three years into it he referred to himself as single. I covered for him. If I was in pain, or was tired while cooking or cleaning, he couldn't gauge that, so I didn’t get much-needed breaks from those chores. Once I had a severe headache and told him I couldn't lift my head off the pillow, and that I may have had a stroke. He said "Do you want a tablet?” His ‘caring’ stems from logic, damage prevention, and staying off peoples’ radars, not from their well-being. Only when I broke down and felt hated would he say (hollowly) “But I love you.” Yet that closed-fisted hug, that dry minimal kiss, the unwillingness to reciprocate a massage, or even to touch – all festered inside. My personality became stifled and corroded…………………..In attempts to prevent illness by withdrawing emotionally, I asked him if we could redefine the relationship as platonic or open, but he wouldn’t have it. He said he wasn’t a germaphobe, didn’t find me repulsive, and wasn’t gay (there was no sex). When it hit me – Aha, ASD - he took offense. His mind blindness and disinclination to give of himself destroyed the relationship, but my need now to relocate, start over, and try to recover from convulsive waves of confusion, anxiety, and long term lack of belonging are at my own expense……………….I’m sympathetic to those on the spectrum who, like anyone else, don’t want to be alone, but when an ASD person camouflages on a date, they pave the way for a partner to suffer. No one should be lured into a damaging relationship. If only there were some sort of litmus test or friendly questionnaire which dates could ask of each other to determine whether one of them is ASD, it could prevent so much suffering!.......................Facilitator suggests that NT’s change the way they approach assessing the connection in the early days: look for what’s not there; what’s not happening; all those subtle missing bits that are easy to overlook because they seem of no big consequence in the beginning. ASD is about what’s missing as much as what happens. Those small niggles that easy-going, flexible NT’s ignore.


Maureen
2:03 PM
Sun 31st Mar, 2019

I have been with my husband for 19years and knew he was different but didn't realise that he had high functioning AS until his daughter was diagnosed about 4 years ago. I always thought she was strange and that explained why. I still didn't realise that my husband had AS until he mentioned that maybe he had it. Nothing was ever done about it and we just sailed along for the next few years. Our sex life was not very satisfying and a couple of years ago we stopped intimacy. It was not until a few months ago, just after Christmas he told me he was leaving me to pursue a relationship with this woman that he had known for a year ( younger of course). He said she was his intellectual equal. That hurt. Since then I have researched As and realised all the time I was exhausting myself trying to get emotional reactions from my husband I was flogging a dead horse. What it has helped me with is to understand that I did nothing wrong. It is liberating to know that. He has taken all his problems with him and someone else has to deal with them. I feel free even though I still feel hurt and betrayed I realise that whether or not they can help it AS people are very selfish.


Karry
4:44 AM
Wed 27th Mar, 2019

It’s impossible for a neurotypical to turn off empathy, caring, compassion, love, mutual understanding....it cannot be done. How in the world do “experts” believe that AS adults can simply turn off their AS brain...it cannot be done, and because AS cannot change...experts expect and demand that NTs change their very being to accommodate a person with neuro-developmental disorders as their spouse.


Jacque
11:21 PM
Fri 22nd Mar, 2019

Thank you all for sharing your experiences! I feel like I'm not all alone in this anymore. I have been in a long distance relationship with a man who has Asperger's for the past 2 and half years. I've tried to end the relationship several times over the past year but the feelings of sympathy I have for him and the pressure his family puts on me to stay with him have drawn me back into the relationship over and over again. He is the most selfish, uncaring (although he once told me that even though he comes across as being cold blooded he's actually a softie at heart).. What a liar. There is nothing soft or caring about him. He only cares about his needs and what's going to be convenient for him that's it. From the very beginning I felt like something was amiss but I couldn't figure out exactly what it was and chalked a lot of our communication problems up to the fact that we were in a long distance relationship. I was recently venting to one of my co-workers about how sad and lonely I have been and continue to be in this relationship and she suggested that it sounds like he has Asperger's. I work with children and many of them are autistic so I don't know why I didn't see these signs in him? One thing that threw me off is that he is very successful in his sales career. He functions well with his job, but of course it's because he makes money from his clients so again there's something in it directly for him. I have had a long, painful struggle coming to terms with the reality that the man I feel in love with doesn't exist. I'm choosing to leave this relationship before uprooting my life, leaving my family and my job that I love here and moving to another state to be with him. However I still have a broken heart, I still care about and feel sorry for him. So there is still a struggle. I am trying to accept the fact that I am going to feel just as alone if I am married to him as I do being 1200 miles away from him. Thank you all again for sharing your experiences. If I can help even one person as you all sharing your experiences have helped me then it makes my struggles and pain worth it.


Ash
2:18 PM
Fri 22nd Mar, 2019

I married my husband in 2013 and had no idea that he had Asperger’s Syndrome. I didn’t even know what it was and probably wouldn’t have figured it out had it not been for my mother who tutors children with learning disabilities. My mother was the first to suggest that my husband had autism. My husband is the most selfish, inconsiderate person that ever was. We have separated and he provides me with no financial support for our daughter. He doesn’t spend time with us at all. When we were married, he had no clue about what was appropriate in a marriage. He would Skype women insisting they’re “friends,” but would act possessive and jealous deleting contacts from my phone, Facebook, etc. He obsessively keeps track of my social media accounts and read every exchange between myself and other people. Yet everything he does is very secretive. I know absolutely nothing about his life. My husband withdrew affection and acted progressively more distant after our daughter was born. He went from doting on me and giving me his undivided attention to being emotionally unavailable and physically gone. He left our family home every opportunity he got. Sometimes even sitting in his car alone for hours after work making phone calls rather than coming inside. He made me feel so desperately lonely in our marriage. We have been separated for six years and I’m contemplating divorce.


Judith A. Bradford
4:48 AM
Sun 10th Mar, 2019

I want people who are living with an autistic person to know that autistic people lack empathy, inability to consider feelings of others, and are compulsive liars. You might settle for these unhealthy relationships for whatever reason, but do not let ANYONE convince you that what you are experiencing is not real or somehow your fault. I would suggest you read everything you can on narcissists and listen to experts on utube who talk about narcissistic abuse. "A rose by any other name". Perhaps in the future, there will be more understanding about autism and future generations with this developmental disorder can be helped to a degree. Also, it is important for future generations of autistic people to learn to be honest about their condition so a neurotypical can make a decision about their degree of involvement with autistic individuals. Pretending something does not exist does not make it go away!


Christine Webster
6:01 AM
Fri 8th Mar, 2019

This site has been so helpful. I actually look at it daily to find out what others have experienced. Why do Aspie's go to the trouble of seeking out "love and relationship" when clearly they are unable to sustain it? I am working through a break-up w/a 61-year-old male who has undiagnosed Asperger's. I am 59. Neither of us has been married. I have one adult child. I spent some nights in his home, but never lived with him. In my experience, he pushes boundaries to "pick fights" or otherwise treat me poorly so he won't have to engage sexually and/or emotionally. In the beginning he seemed like he really wanted intercourse. He bragged about his sexual prowess as a younger man. Each time he wanted to go out of town and spend the night, it ended in disaster and hurt feelings. This last time, he ended the "relationship." I am quite aware of my failings. He is not aware of his. It's always my fault. He has been unable to accept that I am more worldly than he and equally as intelligent, albeit in different subject areas. He seems to resent me when he's "not the smartest person in the room." And, though it hurts that he broke up the "relationship," there is also relief because it has been so difficult. My head was often "swimming." Like so many others who have made loving efforts to accommodate their sensitivities to noise, crowds, touch, etc. Not once has he recognized that I have been loving, patient, gracious, kind, generous, and thoughtful. Like the many who wrote about "in the beginning" he was gentle, kind, and affectionate. Like all the others, when the mask falls off, I have been blindsided, waiting, I suppose, for the one I love to return. How does one heal when the person you love doesn't exist?


HJ
4:40 AM
Fri 8th Mar, 2019

O M G this is the first time I have ever read anything about the partners of a person with Asperger’s or any kind of autism. I thought I was alone in my thinking that sometimes I just want to die and how for the past 46 years I have been emotionally abused by my husband who has Asperger's...... Thankyou to you all in making me feel at least human and that it is not just me. There has always been a lot of information on how to support someone with autism but not any kind of understanding for the rest of their family or their main carer. So now I say to hell with it why should we suffer and walk around on egg shells and have our lives ruined they are the selfish ones for putting us through this when they jolly well know right from wrong so why the heck didn’t they just live on their own instead of ruining our lives? Mine has been wrecked after all these years; a bit late now to start again.


Paul
7:26 AM
Mon 4th Mar, 2019

We are a gay couple . I have lived with my partner for 16 years. People sometimes ask how long we have been together and I have always replied ‘ too long ‘. I mean it. I don’t know how much longer I can endure this type of existence. I think about dying and suicide frequently. Although I’m not sure I could commit that. I just wish I wasn’t with him. He is and always has been difficult. I told myself for ages, that really, he means well and is a good person. But I’ve stopped believing that. Walking on egg shells is a term used a lot. It’s so easy to say or do something innocent which meets with anger and criticism.if I want to ask him something, the words go round and around in my mind for days or weeks as I know his likely response. It’s best not to say anything. Timing is a huge issue with him. He specifies what time things must happen. If anything goes over time, the world will end ! When my Father was dying in hospital, upon visiting and on arrival, I was informed by my partner we had to leave by a certain time. When sitting with my Father, my partner sat flicking loudly through magazines, huffing and puffing and looking at his watch. So understanding and supportive wasn’t he !! He doesn’t talk to anyone the way he talks to me. I feel I’m doing someone else a favour as no one else would put up with him. If I left , he would fall apart....that’s what I keep telling myself, although it’s me who is falling apart It’s just a waiting game ....waiting to see who dies first...me or him.


KLW
6:23 AM
Sat 23rd Feb, 2019

I can't breath around him and our many kids (ASD/ADHD) They suck the air out of me. I had NO idea about his ASD/ADHD before we were married 20 years ago. He LOVES his career (he is quite successful-- due in large part to the team of people around him who also get the life sucked out of them) I live with an emotional hangover each and every day-- I am physically exhausted. I now take medication for anxiety--- I never know what new surprises my ASD/ADHD husband and multiple kids will offer to me each day. Back against the wall, I gave up my career to give my kids a fighting chance in this world. I had too many missed work days running to the school to assist when one of the kids had a meltdown.... why even bother trying to keep a career--- I can't when the school needs me because my kid caused another lockdown because he/she tried to run off of the school grounds. Married to ASD and raising kids just like him is a prison sentence---He really is another child to me. He doesn't see the wake of emotional destruction he leaves in his path---- He has no understanding of his rude behavior and arrogance. He does not understand how horrible his behavior is towards me. He is horrible to our kids. (He thinks they are rude, have no filter, obnoxious, exhausting, and at times unlovable) Wow husband--- sound like anyone else living in this house!?!?!? My new "career" includes having no life and catering to the mental health needs of my family. Other daily chores include damage control due to all of the insults that pour out of his mouth for which he is completely clueless. Let's not forget the fact that if it is NOT a preferred activity-- he wants nothing to do with it.... that means 90% of what needs completed falls on me. He tells me that I am the issue in this marriage because I have turned into a total bitch, I am no fun, I am not fun to be around. Gee, do you think I might be salty because I am exhausted, anxious, and pissed because the one ride I get in this life is ruined because of my own poor choice in a mate?? I really am pissed at myself because I was fooled by his "normal" behavior before we got married. I often wonder if I am being punished for something I did as a child--- is HE my punishment?? I MISS feeling like me. I miss being happy. I miss sleep. I miss my career. I miss having friends. I miss feeling loved. I miss feeling an emotional connection to a partner. I miss feeling like I matter. Hell, I miss sex that isn't completely selfish. Thank goodness I have the best dog in the world--- that dog loves me unconditionally.


MB
6:10 AM
Wed 13th Feb, 2019

I have recently split from my husband after over 20 years. I spent years wishing we could have a 'normal' family where two people work together as a team, and wondering why in 20 years my husband never once took the children out for the morning. I was never able to have a straight forward conversation. Instead we danced around from subject to subject as my husband avoided the simple issue I wanted to discuss. If I asked a second time he got angry. There was never a commitment to any plans. I was told that separation was wrong, and that God put us together, so we had to stay together. Now we have split he lives we my brother and our eldest son. Both my son and my brother see him as the victim he acts as, and blame me for everything. He has split our own family, and split my family too because I did not do what he wanted.


JB
4:23 AM
Tue 12th Feb, 2019

I could have written these testimonials, esp. the ones by judith and Florida gal. Women are bullied into keeping quiet about the realities of living with a man on the autism spectrum. My husband's behavior changed on our wedding day. I was so shocked by his constant lying, verbal and physical abuse, I thought he had had a stroke or something. I insisted we go to a specialist university to have him tested as well as multiple therapists. He played the victim and found it amusing he could fool these "professionals". The so called "expert" at the university would not allow me to use the word autism, but got up in my face and started yelling axis numbers from the DSM at me......... This entire ordeal has seriously traumatised me. For a long time, I had nightmares about the psychologist from the university who I now know is on the spectrum. I am slowly coming out of my fog, but I am 65, sold my home, and gave up a job with good benefits. I have become very distrustful of people.


Dee
6:38 AM
Fri 8th Feb, 2019

Marriage longevity does not prove love.


Jen
12:53 PM
Thu 7th Feb, 2019

There is so little emotional and psychological help for NTs partners it just seems unfair. My therapist who works with Asperger’s patients is constantly dumbfounded by my life...because her patients tell her only what’s important to them. None of them tell her about their 'gibberish' when manic, the constant cussing out their spouse, their meltdowns. None of them tell her about their faults, miraculously believing they have none.


M
2:53 PM
Wed 6th Feb, 2019

I can't thank you enough for this wonderful validating site. The real painful truth about what we NT partners suffer has been stamped on and ignored for too long. We have been bullied into silence by the autistic advocates who vehemently deny their bad behaviours and instead blame society and everyone but themselves and totally deny the severe intolerable suffering inflicted on the NT. It's time our voices were heard! Thank you again


Paula
3:02 PM
Sun 3rd Feb, 2019

Autism/Asperger's is the only disability that doesn't know it's disabled. it's not different, it's a developmental disorder.


Jess
4:26 AM
Sun 3rd Feb, 2019

I found pages from 192 onwards of No Team Player conducive to restoring sanity as is the Chart: "Effects of Differing Neuro/Developmental Levels on Neurological/Autism Spectrum Adult relationships". Helped me to see how we differed and how it wasn't my fault why the relationship didn't work out.


Pierre
8:18 AM
Sat 2nd Feb, 2019

Professionals recommend I detach from particular interactions in my NT/ASD marriage to save my physical health and emotional sanity. That means they still want me to be selectively connecting in this relationship. There's huge irony in this since there is no connecting with them at all in any meaningful way in a marriage, ever. Disconnecting by physically leaving is the only way. If one has to remain for economic, age or other reasons, then completely disconnecting emotionally is the only alternative.


Judith
7:30 AM
Fri 1st Feb, 2019

Professionals and others with vested interests in and around the ASD community, use the words “evidence based” to imply neurotypical (NT) spouses’ narrated experiences in their relationship are unscientific, therefore not true. What this suggests to the NT is, “We don’t really believe your experience. We, the experts, will tell you what your experience is and should be,” completely denying the lived knowledge of the NT…………Professionals within the AS community continue to ignore innumerable, unsolicited NT testimonies over decades, all describing the same life-experiences with their ASD spouses. There are several well conducted research papers which back up the NT spouses’ experience……………Couples counsellors and therapists add the proviso on NT-ASD couples counselling, that both partners must make a serious commitment to making the relationship work. These therapists fail to consider the fact that the definition of ASD, describes rigid, unchangeable routines; mindblindness and lack of Theory of Mind, creating an inability to see and understand another’s point of view; lack of insight by the person with ASD into their own behaviour and extreme communication difficulties: insurmountable obstacles to creating any type of real change in the behaviour of ASD adults in relationships. By definition, AS individuals do not do relationships well……………The advice offered to the couple is for the NT to completely change their way of operating in a social world and relationships, to accommodate the deficits of ASD, adding to the trauma and abuse of the neurotypical family members. This could be interpreted by NT individuals seeking support and assistance, as mal-practice and unethical by ignoring their input and experiences regarding their personal family life…………There have been no short term or longitudinal studies to prove NT-ASD couples counselling does effectively work, and is maintainable over time. Anecdotal evidence concludes that NT-ASD couples counselling has only a temporary effect on the marriage, and it quickly reverts to the previous difficulties. The person with ASD is unable to maintain the effort required. Expecting ASD individuals to do what goes against their brain wiring can be cruel and abusive to them and the way they view life…………….Gender bias is another enormous problem in getting efficient help for Neurotypical spouses from professionals. Many professionals treat NT females as neurotic and demanding, not knowing their own mind and having no common sense. NT-males in NT-ASD relationships seldom discuss their family problems with anyone because they are not believed. Society’s view of what a man is and should be, denies their need for respect, to love and be loved. It’s NT “men don’t tell” about domestic abuse and violence when they are the abused person.


RA
2:59 PM
Wed 30th Jan, 2019

Professionals and “experts” do not get how the behaviour of adults with AS affects EVERYONE within the family. NT spouses, NT children, AS children...and who gets counseling and support? The person who has AS......totally ignoring every other person within the family. AS is a soul-breaking disability for people around them.


Florida Gal
8:44 AM
Fri 25th Jan, 2019

I have been married to my husband almost 30 years. I was widowed with three small boys when I met this man six months later. Six weeks later we were married. He was so helpful and kind at first. I remember thanking God for giving me a new best friend………The minute I said "I do" everything changed. He was in the military and he let me know that his job came first. He would yell at me that I wasn't to ask him for anything or expect anything from him. I should continue to take care of the house and kids and when he was home, I was to consider that a bonus………He wasn't deployed or sent anywhere - it was just regular work hours. If I waited up for him to come home, I got screamed at because he assumed I would expect him to help with the kids the next day. I was so confused. I stayed up because I was a newlywed and I loved him………Physical violence came next and I was so ashamed. I kept thinking he just didn't understand what marriage was supposed to be…………Eighteen years into this travesty of a marriage where there was no intimacy unless he initiated it (maybe 5 times a year), he spent a night in jail for slapping me. We went to a no-nonsense counselor and reconciled. That lasted only a few months. Him screaming at me and threatening me got worse. By this time, he had ruined my credit by betraying my trust. I allowed property to be put in my name and he promised to make the payments. When things got tough, he made the decision to stop paying the mortgages and did not tell me until foreclosure was the only choice…………People close to me ask why I don't leave, but this is MY home and I don't have the money or credit to go anywhere. We now have separate rooms, but I feel like I'm living with a person who is just waiting for me to fail…………..He has always been the kind of man to hurt me more when I am already weak or struggling. It's often a nightmare, but I do have faith in God and my kids (including the two girls we had together) are out of the house and in healthy relationships………….I never planned to be in my 50s and living like this with a man who has no respect for me. I got my master's degree 13 years ago and he never acknowledged it - nothing. I was incredibly hurt after I celebrated his accomplishments and birthdays over the years. Now, I am trying with everything in me, not to let bitterness overtake me. Thank you all for sharing - it's good to know I am not alone.


Valerie
9:50 AM
Tue 15th Jan, 2019

I got married in 1965, I was married for 14 years and had three boys. After all these years I feel I have found the answer I have been seeking. I loved him and bent over backward to be a perfect wife, a good housekeeper and an excellent cook. I know now that my Mother was Asperger’s. So, I understand the effects of her constant abuse and have suffered my whole life from the affects of this. Then I married another one. Lack of empathy when I was diagnosed with Meningitis, lack of empathy or caring with the 3 pregnancies of my 3 boys…………strange behaviors, going off and leaving me with a new born baby and no help. Never saying sorry, no interest in anything I did. Sarcasm, put downs, he never noticed anything I did like decorating the home, never noticed that I had my hair cut. Physical abuse. We bought a farm and then my fear became so intense as I watched in horror while my husband allowed my children to do what I consider dangerous things around farm equipment. My pleas to be watchful and protect them as they were only 7, 9 and 3 were ignored. He let my 9 year old drive a 40 hp tractor alone in the big field whilst he watched from the edge of the field……I got told I was nagging and that I was overreacting, too emotional. Then the youngest got killed going to the mailbox.........that was the end of my life as a wife and mother. It tore the whole family apart. It’s becoming evident that most likely both my surviving boys have the same thing.....ASPERGER'S!! The reading here has validated me, uplifted me………I’ll be 75 in April and this happened over 40 years ago! It’s never too late to heal, I’ve worked on it for years. Thank you for this website


Darcy
5:45 AM
Sun 30th Dec, 2018

What David said below, I agree with. People with Asperger's are smart in some ways and they know right from wrong, they know when they’re hiding information that’s going to hurt you, they also know how to hurt you, they understand what causes pain, the problem is that they don’t have any empathy, so the very act of hurting you is of no consequence to them. They are unable to imagine what you’re going to feel after they cleverly deliver insensitive insults. And neither do they care. They’re too busy being pleased with themselves over having come up with something clever that’s biting, spiteful, punishing and painful for the recipient. Ever noticed how they can’t come up with anything clever that is complementary, encouraging, rewarding? They’re able to go out in society, have dinner at a restaurant interact with people and conduct business without completely offending anyone because they understand how to behave. However, it causes them a great deal of stress because the rigidity of their narrow operating rules, makes them really want to correct everyone on a regular basis………………….. At home they let their mask fall away. You will be at the whipping post daily as they vent their anxiety. No love, no respect or caring, no nurturing. They have complete lack of insight to your existence, needs, wants, anything that is you. You’ll be stripped and become invisible because of them ignoring you, after they use and punish you is the most effective way they have with coping with the universe; even as a partner that lives with you in the same house. They simply will never get you. They walk away from you mid-sentence because they simply don’t have any interest in anything you say. They’re only interested in anything that pertains to them specifically. They’re sometimes successful, can be intelligent, good at anything mechanical, systematic, anything that requires logic and is doable is appealing to them. They will not try to do anything they aren’t sure they can accomplish ahead of time. This makes life very boring as spontaneousness is non-existent………………. Don’t try to have a discussion about a picture hanging on the wall, they’ll look at you like a cow looking at a new gate. I’m three years into a relationship with a man who hid this from me, he had a previous diagnosis in his marriage (she left) but instead he has chosen to ruin my trust and compassionate heart with blame, pointing out every flaw he can find imaginable, as the excuse for treating me poorly on a regular basis. Rather than tell me his specific traits he was willing to cover up his dx, create a false façade and throw me to the wolves to preserve himself………….. Accountability is something they know nothing about. If you’re dating someone in the beginning and note there are what I call small glitches, some issues, communication problems, misunderstandings...take this as a sign to run the other way. These are not people that are inexperienced or can be taught anything, but have a fixed way of looking at the universe and use one part of their brain for all decisions, (more or less) being unable to integrate, synthesize, create and make connections between concepts. This will leave you reeling just trying to have a simple conversation. One of their favorite things to do is to pick out a key word from something you’re trying to communicate, string it together in a sentence of their own choosing, to fit their own world view: it twists the meaning, so in this way they are liars, although they sometimes don’t mean to be………………… I don’t think any of them should have a get out of jail free card. Asperger’s or narcissism the outcome is exactly the same. It doesn’t matter, it can’t be changed and your life will be empty emotionally, barren, lacking love and you will be the parent to an adult person who will criticize and blame you for everything that goes wrong. Asperger’s make a mess everywhere they go, emotionally damage everyone around them and then turn around and ask you what your problem is. If you want a reciprocal relationship built on trust, love, caring and respect run away from someone with ASD. If you want to be forced to parent a grown person, to have to do everything, have no emotional fulfillment and be blamed for anything that goes wrong in the their life, knock yourself out. I don’t mean to be hard on people with ASD but they can’t be cured. You will suffer a lot by the time you figure out what it is. You spend years trying to decide if they are a good person who sometimes does bad things or they’re a bad person who sometimes does good things. You can never really sort it out. It doesn’t matter, the effect on you is the same.


Kat
5:56 PM
Thu 27th Dec, 2018

Unbelievable. I waited 15 years to find this web site and subsequent links. I have been in a "relationship" with someone with highly functioning (brilliant but broken) Aspergers for 15 years. We started out as a "couple", but since he has severe impulse control issues (we met online) and is a serial cat fisher, wound up "breaking up" in 2007. Of course, I have taken care of him since. He follows me around the country with his manipulation and I have saved him (2 evictions on my credit report, roommates without him working for four years) while he "Peter Pans" his lying, Bohemian lifestyle. Of course, now we are still roommates and he is working. But control issues? Manipulation? I lost my life here somehow. There should be a study on co-dependents and Aspies, because seriously? Match made in h e double toothpicks. Now? Try to shake off a lying, manipulative, Peter Pan man in his early forties who talks in baby voice while you are setting boundaries? I think at the end of it the other side of the autism relationship gets just bitter. Bitter pill to swallow since they don't change. I am getting him OFF my cell phone plan because the lies don't stop. Actually MOVING OUT or evicting him soon. Sad. So many people are like "la la la" autism awareness while the abused members of this sector, raised by the wrong parents are worst than psychopaths because they become permanent parasites. Angry and getting free. Can't believe I just now found this web site - - 15 years alter. PS? We are not a "couple" anymore - but he has managed to emotionally manipulate an additional five years out of me. Blech.


Margaret Connigale
2:56 AM
Thu 20th Dec, 2018

My husband had a late diagnosis of autism 5 years ago. Life has been hell and I almost lost all sense of self worth. This site has been so helpful.


David Jones
7:00 PM
Tue 18th Dec, 2018

I've shed a few tears reading your experiences. For anyone considering or starting a relationship with an Asperger partner - think again and again. At the moment the attention you're getting isn't real, you're just the latest special interest they call them - an obsession we call them. The masking or role playing is being used to cover up who you are really with. Later as the mask slips you'll find yourself, your very sense of being slowly, but remorselessly undermined 'death by a thousand paper cuts' There will be the self serving manipulation. The control - we eat now, we go to bed now, don't laugh, don't smile it upsets me. The tantrums and physical violence for merely having the 'wrong look' on your face. The cruel jibes and insults designed to hurt and undermine. Never hearing the word 'sorry'. Walking on eggshells. The new obsessions paid for regardless of any monetary consideration. The social isolation - never going out and meeting anyone together, the outbursts in front of now lost friends, the fear of bringing anyone home. The endless droning monologues about the latest obsession.The hours of never being spoken to except for some demand or another. Never being hugged, kissed, chatting about hopes, dreams or aspirations. Never sharing a laugh. My health and wealth have gone, I'm tired - but you still have a chance to lead the life you deserve.


Tiki
4:45 AM
Fri 14th Dec, 2018

Why are NT workshops always run by an Aspie who has no idea of what its like to be an NT? Im speaking from experience in Australia.


Gordon
4:52 AM
Mon 3rd Dec, 2018

Thank you for your webpage on Post Traumatic Relationship Syndrome. It is good to know its not "all in my head", even if, now it kind of is. I am really broken and trying to raise a kid without raging against the abuser that has him the other half of the time. I just wanted to thank you I share your website, its great information.


Rosie
5:22 AM
Sun 2nd Dec, 2018

When we first married, 25 years ago, I did not know he had Aspergers. On our honeymoon he told me that I was smothering him with kisses and to stop. I was so confused. He also would go to bed and not say goodnight to me when we were first married. I was shocked that he would do that... he also would hide from me so that he would not have to kiss or do anything with me. I was hitting rock bottom emotionally by then and it was only the first year of our marriage. My parents were not supportive as they didnt believe me. My husband started to degrade me after a year of marriage...saying I was too thin or I had gained a few pounds and that was unattractive to him. He used any excuse not to be with me sexually. I started to become really down and went for therapy.... but at this point I had no idea he had Aspergers. I thought I was the one to blame. Then a counsellor from the church told me that he had all the signs and symptoms of Aspergers. This was 5 years into my marriage. I asked his mom about it and she said the reason she got divorced was because her husband was so cold and aloof. She said that her son (my husband) saw me as a threat... If he got too close to me ...he might have to have sexual relations with me and this was what he felt threatened with. Then I spoke with his grandmother and she told me that her husband... my husbands grandfather... was cold as ice... She said the only way to see him was to go to the yacht club. All 3 men had Aspergers... it has a genetic component to it I learned to distance myself from my husband... if I can call him that... he is more like a brother. We don't even share the same room anymore and he is fine with that. I've come to fear him ...not that he ever hit me physically... but he can ruin me mentally... He plays mind games. He would hug me in the morning and for the rest of the month ignore me... not look up from his book ... walk away in the middle of my sentence because he had something better to do I've learned I can't handle that mentally anymore. I keep my distance from him. No arguing or hanging out with him. It's pretty much a dead marriage. I have 2 children just out of college and I have to say that I feel so lonely without them ... I miss when they were littlethe hugs and kisses that I never got from my husband... I always got from them. But now I live with a husband who loves his quiet time alone... very solitary unless there are men to go fishing or boating with. I just feel so lonely and sad that 25 years have gone by and my little ones are now 21 years old and have lives of their own. I want them to be independent... and I am happy for them. I just wish I had a real husband... instead of a man who is like a five year old emotionally and a teenager intellectually. I have to say that if anyone even suspects that the man or woman they are going to marry has issues with kissing, holding hands etc... Please Leave that person. There is no cure for Aspergers syndrome and the majority of spouses I have talked to are depressed/anxious/etc. My husband also cannot handle normal life events... if anything goes wrong... if the children get sick or things don't go his way... he talks a mile a minute, gets agitated, has almost a panic attack... I have to handle all the messy stuff by myself. He can't seem to look in anyones eyes... he has no clue to open a door for an elderly woman or man with a walker... Also, no empathy or compassion... but if something bad happens to him he wants to talk about it and have me reassure him that everything will be okay. I hope I can get some coping skills to help with feeling so lonely and blue and also contribute to finding ways to help me.


Joanne
12:21 PM
Tue 13th Nov, 2018

I just read the open letter from Sophia Morgan, 2014. It was very helpful and made me feel validated and sane. I have reason to suspect that my husband of 15 years has high functioning Aspergers. The revelation is recent and still fresh. The more literature that I read and testimonials, the more pieces of the puzzle fall into place and seem to point to AS. So, now I ask What do I do now? My conclusion at this early stage of awareness is to keep myself intact by gaining knowledge and finding support where I can. Hopefully a window of opportunity will open, where my husband will be able to listen to someone who can shed light on the situation for him. As his OCD and anxieties increase I am hoping he may get fed up enough toward people for relief and listen to professionals. But I have my doubts. As for me, I feel safe in the sense that he no longer lashes out physically. I will not tolerate that anymore and he is afraid that I will leave. I hope that Sophia knows that her openness and taking action to share her experiences publicly, is greatly appreciated!


nurse
6:20 AM
Sat 20th Oct, 2018

The healthcare industry seems intent on seeing autism strictly as a disease -- and even went so far as to essentially eliminate Asperger's from the definition in order to do it. But, that taints all research into the area: Which autism were they looking at? The non-verbal unable to use a bathroom or function independently? Or did they look at the Silicon Valley genius who made himself a few billion dollars? The difference is far more than a matter of severity. The analogy of the 40 blind men describing an elephant comes to mind: "It's long and thick" -- "It's broad and flat like a huge leaf" -- "It's rough and flat like the side of a barn". The Aspergian genius is as autistic as the non-verbal with Kanner's autism and his genius stems from his autism, not in spite of it. You can't look at only part of a condition and expect to produce valid results. It's fine to have a spectrum to describe the condition -- much like COPD describes a host of respiratory conditions. But you still need to have and to know the subtypes when researching or treating the condition -- just like you need to know whether you're dealing with emphysema or asthma.


Ceal
3:24 PM
Mon 15th Oct, 2018

I'm so glad to find this site and see that others are also struggling to live with a spouse on the autism spectrum. I'm 61 and 5 years into the relationship. I left my community to be with him in a distant place where I knew no-one but him. He is retired and I am disabled although I work part time. The first two years were relatively good although I often felt very isolated and lonely. Thank goodness I had my grown-up son and more recently more friends, especially women friends. He's highly intelligent in some areas and that's a lot of what attracted me to him. But having an ordinary conversation is very difficult. He proclaims his opinions and cannot seem to deal with the normal back and forth of debating an issue. I'm an academic, very used to rigorous debate so this was hard for me. I’m ok with sometimes being alone which is why our relationship hasn't totally collapsed. Normally he is kind, friendly and affectionate but he can go into a rage if I challenge him on anything. His reaction is to attack and blame me for whatever is wrong. He helps very little with household chores and absolutely none with food. He mostly lives in his own world with very little need for interaction, except for sex which he pressures me quite a bit for. This is very hard for me when I feel so little emotional connection. It's probably the most difficult aspect of the relationship for me. It's hard but I'm not quite ready to give up. I wish I could find a way to make it work, but I realize he will never change, so all I can do is change my expectations and how I interact with him. Once again, all the work in this relationship is on my shoulders. Spouses/partners of people with autism really need genuine support groups, where they can share their experience.


Paula
7:42 PM
Wed 3rd Oct, 2018

To all those neurotypical partners out there I would like to share my story in the hopes that it might offer some consolation to you. Three years ago I moved out of the custom built home my husband and I built into an apartment. I was in such a state of shame I am surprised that I could function.My family didn't understand why I could leave such a nice guy and good provider . It was a period in my life of intense loneliness and forever changed my relationship with my siblings and parents. Fast forward three years I am now in a condo I love, I have a legal post nuptial agreement with my husband that is satisfactory and although the romantic relationship is not viable the friendship and mutual respect has returned.I could not have gotten this far without the support of this site, a counselor well versed in the AS/Neurotypical dynamic and the deep women friends that supported me through this crisis. Sometimes I am wistful for the relationship that was only in my dreams and not supported by reality, some times I am saddened by how I have changed no longer a girl with girlish dreams but rather a tired middle age woman who would prefer peace and not the ups and down of a romantic relationship. But more and more I am quietly proud of how I am evolving into my truest self without the distraction of confusion regarding my feelings.Peace on your journey.


spouse
6:39 PM
Mon 1st Oct, 2018

I am carer, coach, guardian, parent, teacher, protector, friend and social guide. I am NOT loved, appreciated, adored, cared for, considered, noticed, loved or wanted at times. Don't dare tell me this is fixable, my fault, imagined. It is a lonely, sad hell on earth being a spouse of someone with autism.


Gavin
2:23 PM
Tue 25th Sep, 2018

I am the husband (of 28 years) of a wife with (undiagnosed) AS. Our daughter (20) was diagnosed autistic at 5 years old. My father-in-law was definitely AS (although undiagnosed). My wife's nephew has been diagnosed autistic. Very recently a friend of ours pointed out similarities between my wife and daughter. I had not recognised AS in my wife. I have been researching the web for information (there are masses). Your site has confirmed to me that my wife is certainly AS and I am suffering from Cassandra's syndrome. I have suffered from depression for around 20 years (diagnosed by my GP). I have been confused and lonely for a long time despite my tireless efforts to make our marriage work. Thank you so much for lifting the veil. I sent an email (to give her time to process) to my wife suggesting she is on the spectrum in the most loving and positive way I could. She had a meltdown and told me to f*** off. I think our marriage is over. To be honest I'm not so sad. I'm so grateful for your site.


David
5:38 PM
Sun 23rd Sep, 2018

This is a very validating website, and I appreciate reading through others' experiences. Most of the posts are from women, but neurotypical men are victims of women with Asperger syndrome more than people realize, since the condition is under-diagnosed in women. In my own situation, I was completely fooled by a woman who was very charming, a great actor, who viewed me as her "special interest" for a while, until things got closer and she suddenly did a disappearing act, leaving me to wonder what happened. No response, no explanation, no empathy (even though they claim to have more empathy than normal). I was just suddenly discarded like an object. Although she told me that she had been diagnosed with Aspergers at one point in the "relationship" (I use relationship loosely, because it was always difficult to connect with her emotionally), it was not soon enough. I would have appreciated knowing earlier so that I could have been prepared for this kind of behavior and get out before being hurt and confused. The irony here is that the Asperger online community (or "high function autism" community) has become a group of militant activists who claim that they are superior to the rest of us, claim that they deserve special treatment because they have a disability, and claim they don't intend to hurt anyone. Although I have some compassion for their situation, I also don't think they are being completely honest. In my experience, "aspies" are smart enough to know what they're doing, and they're smart enough to realize that they are often willfully hiding something from us, something that will cause us hurt. And they do it anyway, because of their own selfish needs to not be alone. Well, I'm sorry if they are alone because they lack empathy and social skills, but it's not my job to fix that problem for them. Don't give them a pass, just recognize the disorder if you can and run in the other direction as fast as possible, before it consumes you and causes you to question your sanity. I'm still recovering.


Joan
4:48 PM
Tue 18th Sep, 2018

I read the final step of SALVE for neurotypicals on the FAAAS website and these 2 quotes stood out: "No therapy, couple counselling, pill, diet or to-do-list can unwire an autistic brain and thereby delete the autistic impacts in an NT-AS relationship." "Lorna Wing, a pioneer in the field of understanding autism spectrum disorder, made it clear: There are basically only two options for the NT spouse of a person with Asperger /high functioning autism. Either accept the AS/Hfa partner as he/she is; or terminate the relationship."


a-nony-mous
3:35 PM
Mon 17th Sep, 2018

I am lost. I am so lost in my life that I actually feels like it's not worth living as I don't know how to find my way again. I read this quote this morning … “Do not minimize the extent of my having been changed from a vivacious, sensual, happy, loving, athletic, healthy, wealthy, bright, articulate, fairly socially adept human to being melded and molded (sic) to accommodate an autistic adult into exactly the opposite of who I am for the sake of a one-sided relationship.” … and I just burst into tears. I feel so different to how I know I used to be. I am suffocated, I have for some ungodly reason been suppressed and moulded to my husband’s ‘funny’ ways. I can’t believe how much I have changed but why has this happened? When I met my husband of 11 years, I had been in several relationships before and thought I knew what I wanted. In fact, I had a list of pre-requisites. Why then did I get hooked up with a man who ticked very few of those boxes? Some of my previous relationships had been unsuitable in some way or another and a big factor in finding a new partner for me was to find someone who was intelligent, financially independent and preferably with no acrimonious ex-wives or children to have to deal with. My husband was just about to turn 40, had never been married, had a well-paid job and seemed pretty independent. If I am honest with myself, deep, deep down I had reservations right from the start but well, I just find it very hard to explain. He smoked and drank a fair bit, had lots of tattoos and was not a fashionable dresser. We had a common interest in music – which I subsequently see that is also a marker. He seemed very cool (as in distant, as opposed to hip/trendy), seemed like a gentleman and was willing to make the effort (he lived 60 miles away from me and seemed happy to keep driving over to mine). I also have a pre-programmed wire inside me that insists that I make everyone I meet feel comfortable. Little did I realise that by doing that, I was actually feeding what I now realise to be Asperger’s. I see now on reading these articles that a man with Asperger’s will mistake that interest as love/or a relationship and of course in those first few months, he did do the normal things any normal person would do. He seemed to show interest, he shared stories about his family, we went to dinner, I was wined and dined. And classically, he is an engineer. His job took him away from home for weeks at a time but when he wasn’t working he was home 100% of the time. This arrangement suited me at the time as I was a professional with a good job, a single mum to boot and very independent. I was in a peculiar situation in my own life at that very point in time, a crossroads if you like. I had intentions of giving up my well-paid job of 28 years to help out with a terminally ill family member but at this time of dating my would-be husband, the family member died. I had left work, so had no income and my direction had totally changed, I let myself drift into a deeper relationship and moved in with my husband in his home town – even though I had left a beautiful, modern town house and moved in to his ex-council house which was very poorly furnished and seemed like a bachelor pad. Did I take this on as a job, to change the house, to change my partner, to keep trying my hardest to please him? I think so. My daughter was 12 years old when this was happening and I had high hopes of my new man becoming more of a father figure. Someone to help me out a bit, help with homework and have a normal relationship with my daughter, take her swimming or to the cinema (none of those things ever happened.) It pains me hugely to think of this now as I feel I ruined my daughter’s teen years. They never bonded nor even got on. My husband (I will call him MH for my husband) had nothing to do with her. I don’t mean in a very obvious way, it was more subtle; never coming to school parents night’s, never showing any interest with anything to do with her, not communicating with her, I mean literally barely talking – my daughter and I were both desperate for attention. He would be most obsessed on how untidy her bedroom was, or how she was untidy around the house. He NEVER EVER gave her ANY praise for anything, only to whinge about her untidiness. When her school friends would come round for dinner, we’d sit around the dinner table chattering about the day/school, I mean myself, my daughter and her friends. MH would be silent and not join in at all. The atmosphere would always be uncomfortable so we learned to just have her friends around and do fun stuff when my husband was away at work. Not realising about Asperger’s back then, I’d just keep trying to do bigger, more outrageous things to get a reaction out of MH. Any reaction. He seemed without emotion. Buying bigger and bigger presents: I bought him a brand-new motorbike to see if I could make him jump for joy one year and was sorely disappointed. Our sex life, which had started out ‘okay’, I mean just ok not brilliant just went downhill. I had always been very open about sex and everything to do with it but had slowly found over time that MH not only did not want to talk about it, he seemed to have no sex drive. No warmth, nor physical affection. It was almost as if he did not know how to flirt, how to be sexy, how to give compliments, how to be around a woman. He would be EXTREMELY uncomfortable if I tried to explain or show him what I liked, what worked for me, he simply did not want to know and was very rude to me if I tried to talk to him; he said it was too clinical to talk about. Or he’d just walk away when we were in the middle of it as he said he felt I had put him on the spot to perform. So, I couldn’t show him, I couldn’t talk to him – how exactly was I to communicate what I liked? One time, in the early days, he went down on me but was too forceful, it was painful and when I said so, he really took exception, was super offended and said when he’d done the same thing for a previous girlfriend she had liked it. Needless to say, that was the end of that type of foreplay. He only ever preferred sex in the morning, in bed. No other options. No spontaneity. So, again rather than be rejected time and again, I gave up instigating sex, so now we just do it when MH wants. Usually same time, same place, same position, same movements, like line dancing; same moves every time. If he climaxes before me, he’ll roll off and that’s the end of that. If I say I need to be satisfied, he does nothing. There’s no touching, no talking so I end up feeling so uncomfortable I end up not bothering. I felt depressed. I thought it was the house we lived in. We had a neighbour-from-hell next door which I couldn’t do much about and our house was a dowdy colour of brown, at least this was something we could change. I asked again and again if we could move house or at the very least, paint it but MH was happy in that house. He had picked it and it was as much part of his routine as breathing. To surprise him while he was away at work I decided to do paint it myself. I bought the brushes and exterior paint and hired a scaffold – when the lorry arrived with the scaffold the guy asked who was going to help him unload the scaffold poles and erect the scaffold and was floored when I replied ‘just me’. He took pity on me and although he was not allowed to, he helped me put the scaffold up and I then spent the next 6 weeks clambering up and down the damned thing painting the whole exterior of the house with a 4” paintbrush (in between doing my new job and being a mum). It was really difficult, hard work. I had to clamber up and down the scaffold and had to keep moving the scaffold into position around the house and then back again to do a second coat. I was covered in bruises and ached from head to foot but was enormously proud and happy that I had managed single-handedly to complete the task and now the house gleamed in a new brighter shade of magnolia. I couldn’t wait for MH to arrive back from work to admire my handy work. (He had been away for 10 weeks and the house was gleaming, it was immediately obvious as soon as you turned the corner into our street – it looked like a new house). His car rolled onto the drive, he jumped out, gave me a tiny unfeeling hug and said ‘hi, allright’… no more. He made no comment on the house. I was crushed. As went indoors, I said “well? Is that it, just Hi.” He turned very moody instantly and snapped “give me a chance to get in the door, for goodness sake”. He has yet to acknowledge my superhuman feat. I can’t remember if it was that occasion or another when he came home (away at sea again for 10 weeks – I’m thinking we will be falling onto the welcome mat at the door for a passionate session but I had been told off previously for jumping on him when he got back – he’d say he had been travelling for hours and needed time to rest!!) - I had parked my car diagonally across the drive and not left enough space for his car (he had been travelling for a couple of days and I had no idea when he was arriving). He harboured that grudge for 5 years before he brought it up in an argument!!!!!! That’s because our biggest problem is communication. There simply is none. I have read self-help books and tried everything I can think of to try to communicate with him but none of the tricks in the psychology books or self-help books have worked. And routine. Oh, the routine. The same food on the same nights of the week. AAArrgh. It drives me nuts. He drinks too much, watches tv and like to play solitaire on the computer. ‘Hey hon,’ I say ‘Want to play scrabble?’ ‘No’ he says…then 5 minutes later he is playing solitaire. He would rather do that than interact with me, how hurtful is that? And the funny part, he doesn’t think that. Even when I have pointed it out. He just doesn’t get it. Why do I stay? I have invested 12 years of my life in MH. I am now almost of retiring age, if I leave now, my financial future is in ruins. I’m also a very loyal person and marriage felt like it ought to be for life, they were promises. MH never gets angry. He never shouts. We don’t argue (because he just COMPLETELY CLAMS UP, so I end up arguing with the wall). He puts food on the table and pays all the bills. He is polite and courteous. I’d like to say articulate but the only subject he will wax lyrical over is his job, when he will bore anyone to death with minutiae details to the Nth degree. I feel like a paid housekeeper. If I leave I will have to start all over and I just feel tired to the bone, tired of living and so, so alone. I think because of MH we don’t have many friends, he usually doesn’t like or gel when any of my friends, or is either boring or bores them talking about his work, or comes out with something inappropriate so I have become hermit-like myself and unsure of how to make new friends anymore. I feel like MH’s weirdness is rubbing off on me and I am becoming more like him. It scares me silly. I want to be free but I want him to be more like the person I thought I was hooking up with when we met. If I leave now, it’s 12 years down the drain and my daughters’ formative teenage years ruined. As soon as she finished uni, she left to live on the far side of the world from me in Japan. Probably subconsciously to get away from our uncommunicative life. She now has a huge social circle and lots of really close friends in total contrast to our deathly quiet home life. I miss her so badly. My family are all in another country. I feel so alone. I tried to tell my sister how things were not good at home but she snapped at me that at least I have a husband and he is a great provider. Because I have retreated from everyone, I have no direction. At least MH is a pillar of rigid boring stability…if I cast off then I would be totally adrift. I am frozen with indecision. Facilitator’s note: The indecision and confusion are part of Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome (OTRS). Add to that Cassandra Phenomenon where no-one who could validate your feelings believes you and then it’s a terrible mess for the rest of our lives. We lose our sense of who we are and what we want. It is brainwashing. They subtly manipulate and mould their neurotypical “carers” to suit their own needs. There is hope, if you learn all you can about AS and how it affects us. Gradually you will learn to emotionally disconnect from them and their confusing, controlling ways. It takes a long time to be able to do that. Please remember this is not your fault. You did nothing to encourage any of this pain. You were selected and groomed by an expert who camouflaged his real difficulties until he had caught you, then he manipulated and bullied you to change everything to the way he wanted his life to be. This is the autistic psychopathy Hans Asperger described, which is hardly ever talked about.


anonymous gal
7:20 AM
Sat 8th Sep, 2018

Reading these is so validating, thank you all. I wish I could connect with some of you! I'm so exhausted, I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up. I've pretty much screwed myself over completely by getting married to this guy, who by the way occasionally can be one of the sweetest, funniest, most hardworking people I know, ironically. He's from another culture and language background than I am, and combine that with his being undiagnosed and keeping up his 'mask' while we were dating, well, he got me. Realizing that I've wasted years of my life with someone who is emotionally, physically, and intellectually unfulfilling for me...and not having any of my friends who understand... Really starved for deep conversation, sick of his unsanitary ways, tired of tip-toeing so he won't feel attacked, and tired of letting him always have his own way, tired of him putting his job and special interests ahead of me at every turn and then being confused at my lack of enthusiasm and energy. Months after his diagnosis I am happy to finally know I'm not insane, and to know the source of my depression, BUT I'm still married to the source of my depression. The night of the honeymoon was the only time we had sex without me initiating it. Before his diagnosis I'd have to work hard to interest him, and since (as I now know) he wasn't feeling the same desire I was, it took so much coaxing and stimulation for him to get into the moment, and that moment was really brief and unfulfilling. I thought he didn't find me attractive, and even once thought he must have been secretly having an affair. He was -- with porn. Post-diagnosis, I almost wish we never found out, because now it's clear that I'm with someone who has not developed mentally past age 5. So, I'd rather be celibate, because giving these how-to instructions in bed, to someone who is not really amorous but just humoring me, feels almost sick. I can't rightly tell him this, though, and now I suspect he is getting confused because his counselors have told him to show his wife more affection! He's kicked the porn at least. We're both from a religious community where divorce is only entertained if certain serious circumstances exist. Same for suicide; it's just not an option, though God help me, I think about it very seriously at least once per month. Right now, I'm pretty broke but I'm trying to teach myself web design/programming so I can be independent, get my own car and travel again like I used to. But sometimes I spend the whole day sleeping or web-surfing, instead of studying. I saw a lovely therapist for a bit but I could tell she was on Team Divorce. I try to take some natural anti-stress supplements. I try to talk with my mom but she has no idea. If you are dating someone with AS or suspect they are AS, please, please get out. Do not marry them; I mean, regular marriage is hard enough without the extra layers of stress and confusion.


Henry
10:32 PM
Tue 4th Sep, 2018

I have been in hell for nearly four years. I am controlled, bullied, humiliated; my very sanity is in question sometimes and I'm scared to be me. I have had everything about me that I loved and enjoyed systematically stripped away through passive aggressive manipulation and a stifling, overbearing regime of manipulation and unbearable histrionics if I don't comply. I am kept awake when I'm exhausted because she wants to talk (endlessly complain) but if I want to discuss anything, it's shut down like I'm dealing with a child. I've been told to sit down while I'm berated and have been physically attacked for trying to leaver the room. The little free time I have is regimented and usually has to fit in with her wishes. I love being at work because I'm shown some respect and kindness. I dread the weekends. The endless boring monologues complaining and rambling self obsessed, dry lectures. I'm given chores to do that she can't be bothered (pretty much everything that isn't one of her obsessions) with and then criticised from the sofa at every step. The slightest request is met with anger and irrational venom and then I'm told that it's my fault. She'll stare at her 'phone for hours and then explode if I look at mine for a few seconds, demanding to know what I'm looking at or berating me for not paying her attention. Day in. Day out. I've been isolated from my family who she doesn't like and have no friends any more. I have no personal time or space. I'm constantly trying to prevent the next explosion over nothing and I'm so tired. She sits at home all day and does nothing and then mocks me for being tired when I come home from work and sigh about having to clean up. If it wasn't for the baby we have I'd run so far and so quickly. If anyone out there is able to escape do it now. It only gets worse. Imagine a hand around your throat that tightens a tiny bit every single day. Imagine no joy or sense of self. That's how it will be.


Steven
12:56 PM
Sun 2nd Sep, 2018

Wow, I just started to discover "Aspies" tonight and it is saving my sanity. I was googling Abusive Relationships and after many helpful and interesting links I ended up here. Thank goodness, I feel a lot of relief and a ton of self-invalidation has been lifted off my shoulders. It's hard to be a man with an abusive wife. I see lots of women here talking about their husbands, and very few men. It might be that we men are a bit ashamed about tolerating this kind of humiliation from a woman. My wife and I seemed so happy for the first few years, and even though she was always a bit "different" I found her quirkyness fascinating and cute. She told me early on that she didn't understand other people very well, and that she had no ability to be diplomatic, but at that time she treated me wonderfully so I just listened and was curious about her stories. The one thing that bothered me in the beginning was that she seemed a bit shallow, even though she was quite intelligent. She didn't like to go into much detail about things and didn't like me to ask too many questions. She would say a sentence or two about something and that was enough for her, maybe a little more if it was really important to her, but it was always brief and to the point. But I love to talk and really go into the details about things, so I think she was just being polite to me in the beginning by listening to me when I wanted to talk, but eventually she stopped tolerating more than a few sentences from me. And if she said something I didn't understand, I was allowed one, maybe two, questions and if I didn't get it by then her anger would appear. It's now gotten so bad that I'm afraid to say anything, I can never predict what it is she'll react to, and she refuses to tell me what is going on; I don't know if she doesn't want to tell me or if she doesn't even know, but I suspect it's the latter. It was especially nice for me to read another person talk about how his Aspie wife would explode with anger when he said something emotional - that's exactly what happens all the time with me too, but I didn't get the connection - for me it was just a bizarre reaction. She says I am too emotional, which is super weird because no one in my life has ever said that about me! If anything, as a man, I probably could afford to learn to show more feelings not less! But with a wife like this it was making my head spin and thinking I was crazy. I've been taking her criticisms too much to heart and it has been almost making me ill. She constantly complains now about everything and it's like walking on eggs around her. I realize from what I read in the last few hours, that it's true that she thinks that everything she thinks is right, and if I accidentally do or say anything that she doesn't agree with she has to immediately attack. Everything is always my fault and there is no discussion allowed. Thanks for all of you who have shared your stories, it helps us keep our sanity to know we are not alone. I feel a bit bad because I know that she does not know any better. I think that's why many of us try to make it work, and so I can't judge either those who try to hang in there or those who finally give up and try to reassemble their lives and find some peace and happiness.


Piper
1:22 AM
Fri 31st Aug, 2018

After 2 and a half years my Asperger boyfriend just shut down & has frozen me out. On our last date he snapped at me once again for daring to question it wasn’t so cold outside as he thought(?) I finally ventured to say I think you have Asperger traits but it seemed to go over his head. Later in the eve I decided to go home and not stay with him as I sensed he was on overload & irritable & needed his rest. Well after that all our dates fell through & he slowly started ignoring my texts. As it was we had a holiday booked a few weeks away & still nothing from his camp. After 3 weeks I drove over to his house & it was as though he had flipped a switch and I was now dead to him. Told me the relationship wasn’t working for him, when I asked why he said I was was very self centred , that I overrode his opinion on the weather, when I said is that all? He said he’d been thinking about things & it’s not working for him. When I mentioned the holiday he insinuated I had invited myself (huh?) what can I say, I was in shock but truly believe he did not want to fess up to his issues. Frankly I’m relieved as I was not getting my needs met, never a compliment, no words of love & all his other relationships fell apart which of course he blamed on the ladies. He was so kind & attentive in the beginning but then the mask slipped. Just shocking how cold he became when he wrote me off.


JJ
10:28 AM
Thu 9th Aug, 2018

I spent 6 months in a relationship with someone undiagnosed with Aspergers. It took me at least another 6 months to work it all out and finally put the pieces together. On the outside, my ex was a person who seemed quite 'altogether' - good looking, sporty, ambitious and charming. However, in the end I realised he was incredibly good at masking the fragile self who was plagued with low self esteem, OCD, anxiety and depression. In our relationship, there was poor communication, poor conflict resolution and intimacy issues. I am so grateful and thankful to have walked away but I feel sorry for any future partners who are yet to experience the confusion and unhappiness of dating someone like him and will be left not understanding what went wrong...


KM
8:55 AM
Tue 7th Aug, 2018

The neurotypical can come to believe they deserve to be ignored. They develop coping mechanisms similar to psychic numbing, where their own feelings become invisible to them. They develop a “tough cookie, no fear” exterior to get past their feelings of loss and grief for their circumstances. Few researchers have honestly looked at the trauma suffered by neurotypicals who are subjected to constant disregard by their Asperger family members. The result of this disregard is what could be called invisibility. The daily trauma of being invisible to an Asperger parent or partner who holds the neurotypical emotional hostage in his or her own home can best be described as ongoing traumatic relationship syndrome (OTRS).


Judith Newton
7:16 AM
Sun 5th Aug, 2018

To all the people who so generously sent testimonials to date we want to let you know we had problems with the website and sadly have lost some of them. The timeline of posting from 2011 has also been lost. This won't prevent us posting your testimonials in the future. Thank you most sincerely for your support.


Hope
10:37 AM
Sat 4th Aug, 2018

I appreciate everything I have read here! I am in the 6th year after a divorce from a husband, who I am sure has undiagnosed Aspergers. Our 17 year old twins daughters, have one who is extremely gifted, and the other who has mild or high functioning Autism. I am still trying to recover a sense of self, or some hope or interest in dating again. Very scared am I, but I have at least met two men who are kind and well related. My former husband is an electrical engineer, who is probably a genius, but was often very unkind to me, usually with little to no empathy for me or my life. The relationship had become abusive, with me running after him trying to get crumbs of kindness or attention or empathy.


E
10:33 AM
Sat 4th Aug, 2018

I just wanted to pass on a sincere thank you for the article: Emotional Detachment: Surviving Ongoing Abusive Relationships.This is so very helpful to me at the moment and I am grateful to have stumbled across it.


Sabrina
10:26 AM
Sat 4th Aug, 2018

"Mommy" is tired of answering questions. But I don't have any actual kids in my home. I have a husband with autism. No, I don't know what that thing on the carpet is. No, I don't know what that paper in the front yard is. I wish you could get out of your recliner and go look since I'm making dinner with a headache and three weeks of heart palpitations. I'm tired of being grilled for the most basic information that other people just intuit from normal interactions. You're locked out of your online bank account because I screwed up on the password a bunch of times because I didn't know you'd changed it. Oh, but 1,600 questions later, you're sort of understanding the situation. 'Did you actually mean 1,600 questions, because I only asked three questions and how is that "grilling?"' Mommy needs a break.


Dawn
10:12 AM
Sat 4th Aug, 2018

I unknowingly married an Aspie after a period of being his special interest. Like everyone else has said, once the mask falls all you are left with is a special needs caretaking role. Like all of you I lived with the disgusting unsanitary habits, lack of hygiene, explosive anger, mistrust, constant accusations, rules, control, social gaffes, meltdowns, dishonesty...he admitted to his ASD and to having oppositional defiant disorder; but always denied that his disorders had any affect on me whatsoever. EVERYTHING was my fault or my children's fault- his kids were absolutely perfect and above reproach in any way. Blame was assigned for the smallest things- someone always had to be wrong. Everything out of his mouth was critical and angry. I too had a cancer scare and did I receive one bit of loving support? NO. Instead he had a three day meltdown and refused to speak to me or stay in a room with me- called me an aldulterer because a male doctor had seen the lump in my breast. He truly thought he owned me. If I was five minutes "late" home from the store I would get an angry phone call accusing me of using the trip as an excuse to meet another man. I was expected to report ANY words I exchanged with any other male to him immediately. If I ever failed say that so and so had spoken to me and he found out later, there was hell to pay. It was "proof" I was untrustworthy and I would have to "earn" his trust and my freedom again. All in all four separate marriage counselors strongly advised me to leave him. Finally I did, but not soon enough. My advice is if you can leave- just do it It will not get better. Ever. Stop wasting your time on delusions that they will change. They will change- but not for the better. Save yourself. No matter what the cost, it is worth it. I sleep on the floor, I eat from the food pantry. But I am free. It's taken me a long time to process the damage this has done, and will take me a life time to undo. Meanwhile despite his tears, begging, proclamations that he will never love anyone else, that I have broken him, that he would take a bullet for me, he moved on immediately. Was sleeping around before I even moved out. I was completely interchangeable with the next woman he could hitch himself to. Two weeks after I left he had introduced his whole family to the new "love of his life." You have value, you matter. You deserve so much more than a life taking the abuse an Aspie will throw at you. Especially when in the end they simply do NOT care about you as an individual at all!!


Red
10:11 AM
Sat 4th Aug, 2018

Glad I've found this site or more terrified than ever. I have sobbed as I've read. I have an HFA husband who is deeply depressed and who has declined over the years, and a young HFA son. Feeling death by 1000 cuts. Devastated that this will be my only son's future. I haven't given up, but I think about it and pray for strength. What on earth to do. Haven't found any local support for neurotypical spouses.


Sharon
10:10 AM
Sat 4th Aug, 2018

I'm finally starting to believe that it's not me regardless of what my spouse or others say. This is a strange relationship that requires me to see two counselors and take antidepressants just to remain in the relationship. It's a strange world where a counselor can make a living from dealing with my situation for one hour per week while I deal 24/7 and receive no compensation whatsoever. No financial, emotional, physical, or satisfying relational reimbursement. Conversely, I've lost so much emotionally, physically, and relationally that I don't know if full recovery is possible.


San
10:09 AM
Sat 4th Aug, 2018

I met him when I was 20. He was my first Caucasian friend so I attributed a lot of misunderstandings to cultural differences. Fast-forward to 8 years later, we decided to date. He was somewhat normal initially, despite some arguments in the first few weeks of us dating. I learnt later on that he was told he might suffer from Asperger's and he promised to seek professional help. He never did. I brought it up a few times but financial limitations was always his excuse. We dated long distance before living together. It was years and years of nightmares living with an Aspie. Almost everything I said would be misunderstood and I would truly struggle to understand his point of view. He would assertively accused me of not listening. He was so certain I was the wrong one, the one to be blamed. He would get into drinking rampage and throwing tantrum in public. He would break things in the apartment. He often complained of oversensitive area of his skin and overly loud noise so I often couldn't hear his speech because it would be too soft and he would criticise me for shouting. I am aware that I am a little bit hearing impaired so I often attributed that to my problem. After another 8 years of struggles, I now have come to the acceptance that this Aspie is not my burden to shoulder. I cannot speak for all Aspies, but the one I lived with truly came off as being extremely selfish, cold-blooded and heartless. He would behave the same way to his own family such as his mother but his mother allows it because he is her Saint. Every now and then when he bothered, he would put in the effort to be sweet, kind and considerate, but that never lasts because it was too effortful. The lashing out and mercurial temperaments were the hardest to deal with. The constant accusations that it was my problem made me doubt my own sufferings that I succumbed to a relapse of clinical depression. Communication road blocks is the single biggest challenge in this relationship. I still have a lot of self doubt due to the traumas of being in an intimate relationship with this man. When I finally met his family, I found out from their oral accounts of his childhood and realised he had always been 'odd' but intelligent. His childhood friend confirmed that and had advised me to move on. His best friend consoled me by saying, "At the very least, he won't cheat." What I wanted to add here is that your suffering and pain are valid. Aspies have a way albeit unintentionally to make you lose all self worth, self esteem, self respect, and your sanity. Living with an Aspie is truly a nightmare. On my part, I am most grateful to a few of our mutual friends who courageously spoke out truthfully to me. One mentioned that his treatment of me was akin to domestic abuse. Another mentioned that our group of friends had been whispering about him having a normal girlfriend. One honestly confessed that it was extremely frustrating to communicate with him. For these people, I am forever indebted to. Thus, I am speaking out. Hopefully any of you reading who are considering being intimate with an Aspie will make an informed decision.


Heidi
10:07 AM
Sat 4th Aug, 2018

I'm a psychologist and cannot believe I missed the signs that he has Asperger's. All of the signs were there: stimming, repetitive behaviors, rigid adherence to routines, overly intense eye contact, odd beliefs about social interactions, lack of empathy, etc. He was amazing while we were dating, but the second we became engaged, it all came flooding out. We would fight constantly. His rage was unbelievable, and it would take him days to weeks to calm down. During one of his rages, I would get 100s of text and emails telling how horrible I am and how it is all my fault. It was always over something he thought I was saying as a slight to him or something that violated his precious rules. He became verbally abusive, would accuse me of all manner of things, tell me I was being irrational if I got upset, and made everything about him. He would ask me about my feelings, and then immediately invalidate them and take them on as his own. If I said that I felt betrayed, he would tell me why I couldn't possibly feel that way and that it was he who felt betrayed. Then that's all I would hear about for the next week...how I betrayed him by saying I felt betrayed. We went to therapy, and I specifically chose a psychologist with strong relationship therapy skills. The psychologist told him that I was the one being verbally abusive!! Apparently me saying "what if I said this to you...how would that make you feel?" was me being abusive. After a year of this I asked myself what was happening. I'm a psychologist! I can communicate effectively with anyone and problem solve with the best of them. Why couldn't I just get through to him or meet his standards? It was while I was doing a training on testing for Autism for my coworkers that it hit me that he has Asperger's. I ran it by him, and after doing some research, he amazingly said that he agreed that the diagnosis fit. After another major fight, he went back to the see our old therapist. The therapist told him that the "emotional outbursts" and difficulty with communication between he and I was not due to his high functioning Autism but because I clearly have Borderline Personality Disorder!!! My hope that he would finally get some help in recognizing that he verbally abuses me and that I'm having emotional breakdowns as a result was thrown out the window. This quack of a psychologist dismissed all of his Autism symptoms, excused them away and slapped a diagnosis on me instead. Never mind that I've never had any difficulties like this in past relationships and have friendships with people Ive known since I was 3 years old. Never mind that I've always been described as the "unemotional one" or the "rational one" or the "guys girl" because I think more like a male. I tried to stick in there and at one point even considered that maybe he was right. Maybe it is me who has the problem. Thankfully, I work with a large team of psychologists who pointed out all of the flaws in that guy's diagnostic abilities. I finally left the relationship, but that didn't stop my now former fiancé from threatening to kill me. He threatened to shoot me but then said that wouldn't be as satisfying as strangling me. Of course, he couldn't understand why that made me soon upset and "irrational." But he then told his therapist that I was the one who threatened to kill him and that I'm suicidal!! The lies and manipulation are unbelievable. And there are many people who believe him. He has managed to make me look like the unstable one! I wish I had never met him. I'm still in love with the man he pretended to be in the beginning, and I have to remind myself every day of who he really is. I hate to say it, but my own profession failed me. We are ridiculously inept at understanding what it is really like to be in a relationship with someone with high functioning Autism. Part of me wants to change this, but the other part of me wants to run as far away from all things Autism as possible.


Katie
10:03 AM
Sat 4th Aug, 2018

Do I have a right to call myself a NT spouse because the $1000.00 psychological work-up said he has many "behaviors consistent with someone who has AS." However because he didn't demonstrate any tics and could make eye contact during the evaluation, there was no diagnosis of AS. I am so frustrated, angry, lonely and at the end of my rope. He tics like a clock at home and makes overly intense eye contact with me or none at all. But at 46 years old he plays this game with the best of them. Various people don't believe me. "He sounds depressed." "Just play some music and get in touch with spiritual things." No! This is a four-alarm fire! I need the whole fire brigade. And to the person who posted about just being diagnosed with cancer September 6th. I'm so sorry about this scary event. And so sorry about your husband's outrageous response.


Skyrae
10:02 AM
Sat 4th Aug, 2018

Here is a slice of my life with my ASD husband. I am told I have breast cancer by the doctor over the phone. During the conversation I text my H with the news. I hang up just as my ASH walks into the house. I am utterly devastated as you can imagine. He's furious. I forgot to unlock the garage for him and he had to walk to the front door. I tell him through my sobbing that it's been an awful day and I forgot. He yells, "Well then, keep the garage unlocked until you feel better!" I cry out that I just found out I have cancer! "Agh!" he barks back, "It's not such a big deal!" He remains angry for two hours about the garage. What was that really all about? His conclusion that my forgetting was an insult to HIM. It has been hard to recognize the disorder because Aspies can imitate NT's so well and appear very normal. There needs to be more societal education about this profound but often hidden disability so that people don't unknowingly have to go through this hell. I read about how Aspies have too much feeling, too much empathy. That is such nonsense. They may think empathy, but do not feel it. They may think feelings but do not truly feel them. The experts need to get real. The emotions of those with ASD are more like SPONTANEOUS REACTIONS, Like screaming when startled, laughing at a joke, or their outbursts of reactive anger, but no reflective emotion is there. The emotions of ASD are NOT REFLECTIVE, NOT INTEGRATED into or connected to an internal emotional landscape. For there is no internality to be grasped, or that even develops into an adult ego. ASD is a profound emotional deficit so that feelings are fleeting, fragmented and superficial and where any introspective capacity is extremely impoverished. There is no internal, felt sense of an emotion. What a disaster for a marriage. They should marry each other.


Paula
10:01 AM
Sat 4th Aug, 2018

I am sure I am preaching to the choir when I say this but I would like to share a personal revelation that I had recently which has been very helpful. All along the way the problems with my husband who has Aspergers has had me seeking solutions, a cure, a corrective action that would fix this impasse which has caused me so much pain and profound despair. All of a sudden I truly understood what it must feel like to have a handicapped child ,one you would do anything for to make them better.Only a handicap is just that,something that is ONGOING not cureable. I forgot about the ONGOING part of this condition.Somewhere in my subconscious I must have thought, stubbornly I might add that the solution was out there .I only had to try harder. Remembering that it is beyond my ability every single day going forward to change this neurological difference has put the emphasis back on me and self care.Wishing you all the best as we move forward.


Stella
9:59 AM
Sat 4th Aug, 2018

I just found this site. So many others seem to have tried everything, and after 20 years are at the end of their ropes or getting out. I just reached 20. I looked at the chart and saw the clear picture as my picture of an ordinary person expecting ordinary behavior from someone who is quite unordinary. It's a relief to think of myself as some kind of weird object to him. Or buffer. I can stop expecting any kind of human behavior from him, while still giving him a decent amount of respect -- and distance. I suppose my AS-behavior spouse can't change too much, but I can do everything I can to make my situation better, and to teach my daughter to insulate herself from his odd behaviors. I tried to get out of the situation once, and he refused. I understand now I'm a necessary object to him. Probably if I try to get out again, it'll be messy. I'm thinking about how to handle this the next time.


Anne
9:58 AM
Sat 4th Aug, 2018

I've just read the book, and for the first time realised that if I am borderline emotionally it is a response to 30 years with my husband. I hate weekends and holidays, hate waiting for the next crisis, hate the thought of being alone with him when the kids leave. He acts like he hates me, then tells me I'm the only one. I want to find hope for the future, but it may not be together, because I don't feel that we ever have been together. I pray I have not damaged my kids. I feel like I have lost myself. Thank you all for sharing your stories, and please keep doing the research


Michelle
1:40 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

I have been living with my undiagnosed aspie husband for a quarter of a century! For many years I worked with young children with ASD and in a cruel twist of fate my first born was diagnosed with severe autism. Yet I never saw clearly the truth about my own marriage because the daily trauma I suffered at the hands of my husband didn't allow me to think straight for even a moment. I have been blamed, lied to, screamed at, had objects thrown at me, pushed, kicked, slapped, threatened, intimidated, manipulated, bullied, abandoned, neglected, refused any personal space, denied every possible basic human need and then called selfish and demanding. I have been wished dead, isolated, humiliated, laughed at when crying and evicted from my home when unbeknownst to me, my husband found compulsive gambling to be the answer to all his issues. And not another living sole has seen any of it to give support to my claims. I have climbed out of pits of despair and loneliness, black holes of depression and found a steely resolve and iron will that I never dreamed I had in me. I have used every NT trait to my advantage and refused to be destroyed. I will cry no more over what I have dubbed 'the emotional cripple'. If he was paralysed, I would not keep pushing the wheelchair while he reached around every hour to slap my face (no matter what vows I made on my wedding day). I was deceived by a skilled actor who pretended to be someone he wasn't when we met and I have paid an astronomical emotional and psychological price. I have been a slave to my own empathy for decades because of this disorder. It may be hard to believe but I am not bitter, resentful or angry (anymore). I have justified, concealed, advocated for, protected, mothered, begged, assisted and enabled this man at my own expense for far too long. I cant save the drowning man who can't swim when he keeps pulling me under too.


Lara
1:39 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

What an incredible relief to read all of your testimonials! Thank you for sharing your stories, you give validation to my feelings. have been desperately lonely throughout my 23 year marriage. Everyone thinks he's the perfect husband because when he's with others, he "interviews" them. He asks dozens of questions about them and never talks about himself. People take it for caring but it's not. It's just the way that he's learned to get along with people. When I tried to develop a support system so that I could get the strength to leave him, he called everyone to get them on his side. He called my friends and family and convinced everyone that I was crazy to want to leave. He even called my therapist and tried to get her on his side. In the end I gave up. Now, I'm almost 50 and I have a pretty short amount of time left on this planet. I don't want to spend the rest of my life controlled, manipulated, lonely and neglected, but I know that breaking up the family will be hard on everyone and that he will be ruthless if I divorce him.


Lynn
1:36 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

I have been married to an undiagnosed Aspie for 28 years. Before we were married I was a happy, outgoing motivated goal setter. I started off our marriage optimistic for a wonderful future together but at each turn my husband would put me down for my enthusiasm and happy disposition. I worked hard at my career, in the home and rearing two children and he let me!! Doing the very least he could. To every question I ever asked his reply was always a NO! Eventually I entered into an angry stage for a few years then onto a bargaining phase where I blamed myself and went to relationship counselling 3 times by myself and a further 2 times with husband, not that it made any difference nor did the expensive relationship seminars I attended. I then went onto a phase of depression that has lasted 10 years. I have recently another 18 months of counselling. Why have I not left? I believed it would break up the family. Having known me as a fun loving positive Mum my grown up children believe I have become an irrational, over reactive drama queen. Their father in comparison seems a calm logical rational person and that is how he likes it. Now he sits back whilst my children do the criticizing and laps it up. In front of them he pretends he is completely competent but in reality it is only because every decision that has ever needed to be made I have been forced to make. He has effectively made me his substitute mother. He has seen me seriously ill, crying and distressed, asking for a divorce and not a flicker of emotion has passed his face. The loneliness envelopes me on a daily basis and it is hard to keep going. I have contemplated suicide a number of times as I cannot see a future where I am not stressed out and deeply sad. The worst thing is that my children cannot support me as they do not see what is really occurring but then I cant blame them as I only just realised what was happening myself.


Joesy
1:33 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

The Effects of Differing Developmental Milestones chart is brilliant. It describes exactly why there's no connect in my marriage. His developmental immaturity precisely describes why I feel like his mother. I know he believes I am his mother. The title makes it really clear what the chart is about: Effects of Differing Developmental Levels on NT/ASD Adult Relationships. Loved the book "No Team Player" To see the truth of what a struggle it is was enlightening.


Star
1:30 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

With my husband 20 years, married 15. I always thought it strange that he showed no emotion towards me, or empathy for others. I blamed tbe fact that he had been dragged up, by a alcoholic father after his mum died when he was 11. I felt his father never showed any interest in him, and subsequently my husband seems oblivious of social etiquette and boundaries. For years I made these excuses, but still begged him to get help. He would not talk to me, I felt he might talk to somebody else, his reply.....what good will talking do. My husband does not communicate how he feels, and our marriage has been in decline for at least 10 out of 15 years. I would be out for an evening and come home and my husband is masturbating in front of a porn channel, I walk in and he just grinned at me, like a bold child. I would vent my frustration, tell him I feel he has no interest in intimacy with me, and he would just switch out. No response, no reaction - just a blank expression. I would then leave his bed, thinking that he will have to make an effort and come to me................never happened. He never sought me out, he never apologised. This behaviour just made me feel totally ugly and unwanted. Domestically he is a disaster, cannot close presses, cannot put anything back where it belongs, if I put something back where it belongs, I am accused of hiding it. One day he drove his truck through our gates, there were 4 of us in the garden, he caught the side of the truck in the pier of the gate, damaged the passenger door, parked up, and when we told him what he had done he denied hitting the pier...........regardless of the massive dent in the door, the scraped paint, and the fact that 4 of us saw the incident. He is never wrong, and absolutely never apologises. Years ago, before we were even married he sent me a birthday card - from the man who cannot say sorry! He is self employed and has 8 staff, one guy once said to me that, he was a great person to have a row with, because he does not carry it forward, I now realise this is because he just files it away, forgotten, never to be mentioned again. He is obsessed with his work, to the detriment of all else, and does not seem to get any thrill from anything but work, I once asked him what excites him, and he told me that getting new jobs excites him. We have no children, my husband has no understanding of how procreation works, and told me a few years ago he had no idea how 'children were made', anything he knows about sex has been learned from porn magazines. Weekdays, he comes in from work, eats dinner and falls asleep, he falls asleep in company, in other peoples houses, watching exciting matches on TV, nothing holds his attention bar work. All of this I found extremely frustrating but again, I loved him, and used his miserable childhool as an excuse. Last year I was involved in a local festival and was very busy for a week or 2, this upset him, and he was acting very strange. I discovered texts on his phone from a woman, and it was obvious there was something going on. Then suddenly, no texts, so I knew something had changed, when confronted he looked at me as if I was mad. I then discovered he had bought another phone, I found it, and there were loads of messages. It was a full blown affair. Again I confronted him, cried, pleaded, but got no admission or explanation. He eventually saw sense and the affair finised after 6 weeks, he apologised, wanted to make our marriage work, filed the affair away, and continued to be switched off and uncommunicative. He agreed to go to counselling, but was unaware he had to participate, and would not go to the third session, his argument, what good was a shrink going to do. I am at my wits end, I have asked him to leave repeatedly, he keeps coming home, nothing ever gets better. I am worn out pleading and crying. It is so frustrating trying to have a conversation, he just sits and says nothing, and I get louder and louder, and more stressed. Nothing works. I have written pages of lettere to him, I don't even think he reads them, bought books, he won't read them. He shows no interest in either helping himself or us, and I am struggling to cope with him. I feel I am a breaking point, and it's far easier for me to have nothing to do with him than try to engage with him. I feel I have wasted 20 years with a man who cannot grow up, who didn't seem to know what he wanted to do with his life. He has never been able to talk about the future or make plans that do not involve his work. I told him this evening to leave, he was back in 2 hours as if nothing happened. Nothing sinks in. I don't know what to do, I can't shout it out to the world, I want to tell everybody, but still out of guilt and loyalty I keep it all to myself, and it is destroying me. I was coping reasonably up to the affair, as I honestly felt I was important, even though I wasn't told so, but being cheated on is something I cannot come to terms with, and consider it the final nail in the coffin, the proof that he never loved me. I feel like running away all the time.......


Stu
1:28 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

We recently found out my wife of 10 years has AS. Three months ago I had only heard of it, and little did I know I've been living with it for so long. She accepts her diagnosis, I think, but what I don't see is much in the way of change, and I don't know how long I'll be able to hold on. I feel so lonely, I feel like I'm violating her trust by discussing it with anybody, so I feel isolated. It explains so much, but the initial joy of understanding that this is what we're facing is fading, and I'm realizing that I have the rest of my life with a spouse who doesn't realize that I'm so terribly lonely, or that so few of my needs are being met.


Denise
1:26 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

I want you to know I read the last two chapters of your book again.The reading is a precise concentrate of everything important for nt spouses to know. And it helps me with remembering the pain.


DA
1:23 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

I very much appreciate the work put into this site. This information provides answers that I have earnestly sought. Initially I did everything I could to make this person love me. Then I tried anything just to make my spouse stop complaining. I had to hide all my deepest hopes and dreams to keep him from tearing them down and criticizing them. I have been destroyed emotionally over and over, never understanding what was going on. He showed an unbelievable lack of empathy while making sure all of his needs were met. I had a mental breakdown last year and he made us see a marriage counselor because I was out of control. I thought "thank you God". He now realizes that he has been abusive emotionally, financially and psychologically. His control, criticism and neediness pushed me over the edge after 25 years. He is trying to change is behavior but finds it difficult. I have learned to place boundaries on his behavior and follow through with consequences which works pretty well. I do not plan to stay once the kids leave.


TS
1:21 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

Your website is what I have been looking for, for decades-i am sure


Camille
1:20 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

After an explosive "final incident", I escaped a 20+ year marriage to an undiagnosed HFa. I feel wounded, empty of feelings, but so comforted by reading all of the comments. I am not alone. I ordered No Team Player, and will also order Karen Rodman's collection of NT partners' writing. It would be wonderful to have a way to meet others in local support groups. Does anyone know of efforts to do this? It is true, this is a "lonely road." Hugs and loving thoughts to all of you.


DT
1:18 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

I commend you on your bravery to say it how it really is. I agree with your article about counselling us and how the so-called experts try to get us to give more and more of our already depleted selves to support the AS person that they sympathize with because they themselves have the same traits. There are so few specialist counsellors in this area for partners that I am beginning to think that those who have a special interest in it are themselves somehow affected. I found "The Bottom Line" article particularly challenging but it confirmed for me what I already felt anyway at my core. Your site is so helpful. Keep up the great work.


Momma Bear
1:17 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

Thank you so much for your article about Aspie parents with NT children and the negative emotional harm it can do to the child. I have been trying for years to protect my daughter and make excuses for him. She has felt for years that he does not love her and this is heartbreaking. At times, he seems very deliberately hurtful and vindictive. He raked me over the coals during a recent custody battle, accusing me of everything from child abuse to borderline personality disorder. I was mystified at how everyone in the community (who didn't personally know me), believed every word he said and the teachers and school personnel went out of their way to "protect her from the evil and dangerous, crazy mother." They were so impressed with his "prestige" and titles, position at work and career. Because he is higher up in the school system, this was used as a battering ram against my child and I. Her teachers were grilling her about if "mommy had any boyfriends" and other inappropriate questions that had her feeling humiliated and afraid to go to school. This clearly came at his direction. No teacher would spontaneously ask a child these types of questions -- especially during a reading circle in front of their peers! Had my daughter not developed very obvious OCD, and had I not finally found a competent, highly trained and world renowned doctor who works for an entire team specializing in it, nobody would have ever known her dad has Asperger's. Although he is not "formally" diagnosed, it has become very clear this is precisely what we have been dealing with for nearly two decades. All the docs there who have met with dad several times over the years clearly see this in him. Thank God for this doctor, who has put the kabash on dad's campaign of denigration and hatred against me (for the time being at least) and has been acting as a buffer and guardian angel against the emotional trauma that has been, and continues to be inflicted on my daughter. HE BELIEVES HER! SHE IS VINDICATED! And it is fantastic! I cried when finally someone could tell her why she felt unloved, unworthy and why dad was "flapping his hands and mumbling angrily every night at home" (this is called "stimming" - which I had never heard of). While dozens of others failed to recognize glaring problems with his behavior and would occasionally comment in their written notes that he "appeared odd" they still pointed the finger at me as being a vindictive ex who wanted to turn his only daughter against a wonderful and loving daddy. If she felt he didn't love her, it must be because I brainwashed her into feeling that way. She is just one more person he is unable to develop a bond with. He has zero friends. We've been divorced for 12 years and he has yet to have another relationship. He actively works to destroy people who oppose him (even by accident or from an offhand remark he takes as literal). He is such a wonderful actor. I can see it is an act and so can the very few people who have ever seen him in private, but he is so good at wearing the mask. It is very frustrating for my poor daughter, who sees two very different people in him -- the one in public versus the one at home. The trauma for children suffering from the tantrums, lies and play acting of the asperger parent is REAL -- even though almost nobody will ever believe them. What's worse -- it appears to be permanent. I have watched two daughters suffer because of his aspergers (one was not his and he appeared to truly hate her - and still does). I can't even begin to thank you for recognizing that not all aspies are "sweet, honest, wonderful people deep down who are just so misunderstood." I am not saying they are all evil. I am just saying that the hell they inflict is REAL and very painful for those in their sphere -- and THAT, also, needs to be validated and talked about!! THANK YOU and PLEASE keep up the research on this! SO MANY CHILDREN ARE SUFFERING WITHOUT ANY VALIDATION!!


Nathalie
1:14 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

I am a 45y old woman. A year ago i decided to end my relationship with my partner after 19y, we have 3 children. All things considered all went well but i am struggling with finding my way forward, letting the past be the past, am feeling gulty allthough my mind tells me that i shouldn't. Reading the testimonials on this website is very helpfull, however i feel that i could benefit from having contact with other women that have gone through the same thing. In Belgium, as in many other countries asperger is not commonly known. Your website has allowed me a lot in accepting that it was not just me.


Asta
1:10 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

When my sister, after being very supportive during the divorce from my ex AS husband for 43 years, stated that I was lacking self-perception because I still 3 years after the divorce am feeling depressed, i.e. that clearly I am the one with problems, I understood that I had to detach from the only person close to me nowadays. Simultaneously indicating that she understands why our children now have abandoned me, but not their AS father. How do we reach out, when will our problems be recognized and accepted? When will we be believed? When...


DK
1:07 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

People will never understand functioning autism without your developmental chart of the deficits in developmental milestone explanations. I love them. They make it very clear what fa is.


susan
1:11 PM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

The last two "new" articles are awesome! Still struggle with others not recognizing ex husband having Aspergers syndrome or perhaps admitting to it in an ex-husband. The article helps with validation and with moving on.Thank you!


Robert
1:10 PM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

The author of No Team Player's life must be emotionally exhausting. The book was emotionally exhausting to read.


Cassandra
1:09 PM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

I was married to a man with undiagnosed Asperger's syndrome. Went through counseling where the counselor knew nothing about it. Went through divorce and child custody case... courts know nothing about it. I have survived and reading websites like this is helpful. I want to educate people about it but I look like a typical ex wife. This is different especially where children are involved. I am not sure what my future holds but I plan to do something so the courts understand it more. I did not endure what I did for no reason. Good luck and God bless all of you!


Jenny UK
12:59 PM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

I found it hard to put "No Team Player" down. I really liked the way the marriage issues were chunked down.


anon USA
12:52 PM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

I am finding "No Team Player" quite rivetting. It is remarkable


Lea
12:50 PM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

I finally and for the first time in 17 years feel validated. thank you.As I have been told by family members my expectations were too high, I have been asked not to talk about my husbands shortcomings as it is uncomfortable for them, I have been labeled by them, not professionals to be borderline personality disorder, therefore responsible for the problems at home. I have been accused by my sister of being an out of control addict, leaving wake of hurt behind me, as she percived my reactive behaviors which were really fear, lom\\nliness, unheard, unloved, depressed, isolated, emotional torture that no one else could see.


Jan
9:03 AM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

Wow! At last a site that tells it like it is :) Thank you ;)


Gillian
9:03 AM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

Just found this site. I guess in a while I will say this has been liberating and a relief but at the moment, I feel sick. way too much recognition of long-buried pain and no hope for future change. the articles are terrific.


Naomi
8:59 AM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

Thank you for this wonderful site which makes me feel sane again!! Its a gift.


Jennifer
8:57 AM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

The book, 'No Team Player' accurately describes the confusion and emotional anguish of a neurotypical spouse trying to make sense of her marriage to a man on the autism spectrum. All the communication difficulties, the lack of resolution to interactions between the two people and the mind numbing repetition of their life together is recounted in an honest, respectful way. The traumatic events occurring in the relationship are compounded by the disbelief of significant others in the author's life. She is further wounded by the actions of the professionals she consults, seeking answers to what is wrong and why can't this be fixed? The conclusions she arrives at are unexpected and confronting. This book also answers the question of, "What will my son look like when he grows up?" Neurotypical men with spouses on the autism spectrum are confronted with similar catastrophies in their relationship.


pamela
8:53 AM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

This site has saved my life! The Effects of Developmental Failures in autism chart and the Cassandra Metaphor has saved my sanity. Thank you will never be enough but it is a start.


Robert
8:51 AM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

The author of No Team Player's life must be emotionally exhausting. The book was emotionally exhausting to read.


Bridget
8:45 AM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

Thank You for this website and for the awareness and insight that you have for people living with partners with AS. It is a very miserable, lonely life with a partner who never asks how you are and what kind of a day you had, nothing, ever.There is NO emotional connection on any level.It is a sterile life without joy, conversation, connection, no sharing, no looking forward to the future , no looking forward to next week! Everything is in the now.My husband has never been diagnosed and hides his disability well, at least for the majority of people.His dirty clothes, muddy shoes often with large holes and general poor hygiene and 'scruffiness' belie the fact that he is a Senior Architect in a World Class Practice!Family have 'covered up' for him for years and still treat him as a little boy even though he is 56! Professionals are dazzled by his Career and believe every word that he says, I am the 'problem'.I recognise that he is role playing.I was diagnosed with Latent TB Infection last week.The years of stress have probably reduced my immunity.When I told him , not a single word of sympathy or concern.On Sunday night he left to go abroad where he is currently working.His parting words were "I'll be back at Christmas" nothing else, no "hope you are better", "let me know how you're getting on", absolutely nothing! So at least your website validates our experiences and there is some comfort and support in that.It's like living in a mad world.It gradually erodes the spirit and crushes you.Outwardly, everything appears "normal".people don't believe you or choose not to.


Tricia
8:41 AM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

I was astonished to finally read an article that has described my experience of emotional trauma in my marriage. Although I managed to escape successfully from this relationship, I am vulnerable to emotionally based stress - particularly any coercion, at which time the devastation of being in an emotionally sterile relationship comes to the fore. Professionals have been reluctant to explain "what happened" - despite many counselling and even marriage counselling attempts. I am finally getting answers . Your description post traumatic relationship syndrome is spot on ...it also has to be remembered that we can never really escape people who are intertwined in our lives through children and grandchildren. Lack of awareness of these types of men means that we don't understand the significance of the "red flags" that we perceive. They defy logical explanation, and as our culture tends to respect evidence only, thereby giving the disordered personality the benefit of the doubt, whilst leaving us exposed to serious harm


Jenny UK
8:39 AM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

I found it hard to put "No Team Player" down. I really liked the way the marriage issues were chunked down.


s
6:54 AM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

I am reading your book, "No Team Player." It is the best book I have ever read on ASD, hands down! I'm an Asperger’s spouse as you know. I also work as a psychotherapist. I want to learn more about the ins and outs of this disorder, including what mechanisms of the brain are disabled and how this connects to particular consequences. There is so much imitation involved, that I need to know what is real! For instance, when you talk about Denver's lack of understanding the consequences of his inaction, I could so relate. However, I thought this characteristic was just my husband being a non-worrier, just cool and collected. I need to understand ASD better so that I can get out of the crazy confusion. I've read Attwood, but he's too politically correct for me and misses the subtleties that you write about, especially for spouses.


JB
6:38 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

If a tree falls and hits me on the head in the wind, I will tell people. They believe me. I am not blaming all trees or the wind, simply telling my story. It should be the same with telling my story about life with a spouse with ASD. I should be believed about my experience.


Cassandra
6:33 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

I was married to a man with undiagnosed Asperger's syndrome. Went through counseling where the counselor knew nothing about it. Went through divorce and child custody case... courts know nothing about it. I have survived and reading websites like this is helpful. I want to educate people about it but I look like a typical ex wife. This is different especially where children are involved. I am not sure what my future holds but I plan to do something so the courts understand it more. I did not endure what I did for no reason. Good luck and God bless all of you!


Hustru til Asperger
6:33 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

Today I found this website. Thank you for being here. I live in Denmark married to an Asperger husbond for many years. There is no network for Asperger partners in my country. Asperger is focuses only when it comes to children and young people. It was a relief for me to find the concept Cassandra phenomenom. The Impacts and Deficits in NT ASD Relationships Table is an exellent instrument to keep focus on my situation - instead of getting sucked into my husbonds abnormal perception of reality. If Alice in Wonderland stayed there for 16 years - would she not have to surrender to the bizarre perception of everything, just to survive?


DT
6:26 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

I commend you on your bravery to say it how it really is. I agree with your article about counselling us and how the so-called experts try to get us to give more and more of our already depleted selves to support the AS person that they sympathize with because they themselves have the same traits. There are so few specialist counsellors in this area for partners that I am beginning to think that those who have a special interest in it are themselves somehow affected. I found "The Bottom Line" article particularly challenging but it confirmed for me what I already felt anyway at my core. Your site is so helpful. Keep up the great work.


Meliss
6:21 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

My husband I believe has undiagnosed Aspergers, He is not well. He is violent. He is mean. He is obsessed with objects, things. He lacks emphathy. I wish I could say positive things about being married to him, but I can't. It is hell. I am in hell. My kids are in hell. There is no relief for those of us suffering.


Mary
6:19 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

I am so grateful for this site. I have returned to it often over the course of this year. I only wish I had this resource as a child and then as an adult when I found myself married and in a similar relationship to that of my parents. Both my father and my husband are on the Aspie-continuum. Now divorced, with three kids I border on regret and think I went crazy...until I read the chart on this webisite- When I read "Death by a thousand paper cuts" I cry. I wince at the terms of my divorce and struggle but then I realize "of course" then divorce and issues we continue to have will suffer from the same issues our marriage had. Initially I think- will suffer from the same issues that I have but am still coming to see that MY issues might not be just MY issues, at all. I have a lot to heal. Thank you for the resources. Thank you all for the testimonies- at some point I will be able to read them all- it is just hard right now and I trust I will be able to find the ability to have the conversations with my children without it seeming like I am being hurtful toward their father or influencing their relationship negatively.


Jack
6:16 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

Wow...It's hard to describe what it's like to be hit with the realization that the impossible situation you have been dealing with is all due to something you've never heard of before. Asperger's. For the last 7 months I've been meeting with this nice girl, we're in our 50's, and I've never been so utterly confused, hurt, lonely, unhappy - while being so drawn to her it's impossible to stop thinking about her. I can only describe it as the simultaneous feeling of being so close to someone, and yet still feeling as though they're a million miles away. She would behave when we were together as if we were getting closer and closer and closer in our "relationship' then as soon as we were apart, it was almost like we'd never even met. She would invite mer to her house to visit, and eventually even came to my house to visit, but would never come out with me in public, would never sit with me if we were at the same public event, and still to this day, will not come out and do anything with me. Despite how much fun and enjoyment we both seem to experience when we're together. The pain and confusion is almost unbearable. It makes you ask - what could I possibly be doing wrong. Well - nothing. There's nothing this nice young lady can do about it. Nothing. She doesn't miss me when we're apart. She doesn't wish we could get closer. She doesn't hope that our relationship gets stronger. She says she really wants to be friends and doesn't want to "lose" me, which was a surprising thing to hear. However she just doesn't seem capable of really participating in a friendship. She has no real friends of her own, no past boyfriends that are still in her life, she's divorced. She reports that one of her son's has AS, but has never said anything about herself potentially having it. But it's obvious. The pain that comes from trying to enjoy life by being close to someone with AS, and not knowing it, is only slightly relieved by finding out about AS in the first place. I think I might have gone completely insane had I not discovered this "difference" in people. I would have thought I was not worthy of her affection, a worthless person and I would have gone mad wondering what was wrong with me. I think all I can do is quietly and compassionately move on. I will respond to her when she contacts me, but I can't invite her out anymore, only to have her change her mind many times, eventually to cancel at the last minute and leave me in despair. She can't help it. Why do we fall in love with them? they are so beautiful on the inside, in many ways. And yet it is a trainwreck waiting to happen - if we don't find a way to separate our lives from them. I will miss her so much.


Jody
6:16 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

After reading your site and the valuable information here I'm convinced Donald J Trump, President of the USA has autism, with the co-morbid psychopathy and narcissism. My husband has autism and he's excluded from jury duty and the military because of the deficits. The Presidency should also be an exclusion.


Nita
6:15 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

I recently came to the realization that my husband is somewhere on the autism spectrum. I'm not entirely sure that it's ASD, but I know from his behavior and characteristics that he's on the spectrum. I first read through the testimonials listed here and it was refreshing to know that I am not the only one suffering in an isolated, parent-child marriage. Like many of you, I have been chalked up as a "mean wife" to my "sweet natured" husband who appears "nice, yet quiet" while at the same time completely lacks skills associated with finances, social/personal responsibility. When we dated, it was the typical qualities that made me fall for him. Being in the same house however, watching him struggle time and again and never quite understanding what those quirks such as stimming, repetitive responses, lack of eye contact were all about, I thought momentarily that I was the crazy one. I suspect that our pastor and other friends who've tried counseling us believe we are just a couple in a young marriage trying to figure things out. Wrong. I wasn't born last night, and I've always known Brian to be "different," but could never adequately explain this different-ness. I once was asked by a friend who tried offering her support, "what's your problem" when I tried explaining the baffling nature of our marriage and all she could see was a kind man. Make no mistake, he is kind. Unlike some of the testimonials, my husband is not mean-natured, but does lack empathy for others and takes a "it's them not me" approach to nearly every situation, causing him to justify his lack of responsibility. I don't blame him at all for his condition, but I lack patience for one who does not take steps to help themselves. Further, I've found myself resentful toward his parents for not getting him the help he needed as a child. Perhaps his situation would be different (though I don't know the fully story behind his upbringing; perhaps they did try to help him and he refused it). I am the bill payer, time manager, calendar keeper, cook, mother, housekeeper. I've put my life aspirations on hold because I simply don't have time with the demanding responsibilities going on. Twice I've taken vacations without him (which is a way for me to take a break from the overwhelming burden of taking care of a grown adult) and have been made to feel guilty for doing so. Before him, I was an independent woman, taking care of myself and child and living life with ambition and gusto. Those days are a mere memory and my resentment toward him grows everyday as a result. I should also note that he has been diagnosed with ADHD. Coupled with AS, it is a whirlwind in our household. I don't want to sound like the uncompassionate wife, but it is so hard. I long to have intellectual conversation with other adults. My 10yo is intellectually and emotionally more mature than he. It saddens me because I don't want to quit my marriage, but I'm alone now more than when I was single. He has agreed to counseling, but doesn't follow therapeutic advise. The problem is, he's seeing someone who is not clinically trained in treating adults on the AS. In the age of the internet, I am so shocked at the few or lack of resources for spouses of someone on the AS. Further, is there not formal education for clinicians on this very niche and hard to explain disorder? This site is about as close as I've come to finding anything and I'm grateful for that. It adds a little hope to our future. God bless all of you out there who may be in similar predicaments.


Peter
6:15 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

What a great site and it is a relief to find others in the same boat. I liked JA Morgan's neat table. Effects of Differing Neuro Developmental Levels On Neurotypical/autism Adult Relationships. It was a great summary of the various aspects of Asperger's and how it affects the behaviors of people with it and the impact of those behaviors on those who for one reason or another have to be in close physical and/or psychological proximity with them


Anna Green
6:15 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

Hello dear fellow partners of Aspies, This is what I understand. There is no reflective moment, no sadness, pain, physical or emotional, no grief, no small human feeling in me to which my husband will respond with empathy for me. Instead, those particular moments are entirely about his anger, his needs, his headache, his pain, his disappointment in my failure to be a better wife. It took me a few years to understand that this was no coincidence. I understand that if I don't bow to his greater needs, our marriage will not make it through the day. Because, for my husband, he is always and ever the most in pain, working the hardest, earning the most money, cleaning the kitchen the most and the best, controlling the food, the washing, doing all of the driving on the holidays, the dominant partner and the dominant parent. My husband actually believes he is our marriage and our life. With young children and run off my feet most days, I am treading water. I have become very good at emotionally insulating myself, almost to the point of numbness. Also, there are amazingly lots of great things in our lives together and he is a good Dad while the children are very young, I believe this will change. Its such a hard, complex and very lonely problem. Best wishes to you all


Perry
6:14 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

Every single one of the testimonies that I just read through are spot on. It is a very tough, lonely life to live in this manner. I am constantly criticized, chastised, insulted, and even humiliated because I let my wife know how much I am deprived of sensual, friendly, compassionate, and even normal human contact. It is always about her and her pain. While I get the pain issues, what I don't get is why or how anybody can treat another human the way I get treated. One moment it's "I Love You", then the next words uttered is something unbelievably hateful. She blames me for all of her issues, her pain, her hate, her resentment. She also blames me for things that she does to me, such as not being respectful of her time, cooking (she has never cooked a meal for me at home). She treats others as vessels that have things to help her but only very rarely reciprocates. She has no true friends and her eldest son does his best to put up with her theatrics. We spend many nights in separate bedrooms because she gets angry and leaves when I bring relationship, finance, family or any topic for that matter, up at bedtime. Then the hateful text messages start. I have finally been able to ignore them When I have had enough of being isolated (usually three or more weeks), I bring them up during waking moments, those issues get brushed off as unimportant or everything gets tossed into the sex realm. I would love to just have a normal marriage where I can bring things up to my wife. I do listen to her of course, whenever and wherever topics are brought up but rarely am I listened to in those conversations so I end up just listening without getting to say anything. I understand that listening is absolutely essential in a marriage, however that should happen both ways when needed. I don’t have that luxury. I don’t know what is right and wrong, real or imaginary anymore. Without a doubt, I am going through some traumatic disorder as the days drag on without any potential for my wife to embrace our marriage.


Vince
6:13 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

"Mommy" is tired of answering questions. But I don't have any actual kids in my home. I have a husband with autism. No, I don't know what that thing on the carpet is. No, I don't know what that paper in the front yard is. I wish you could get out of your recliner and go look since I'm making dinner with a headache and three weeks of heart palpitations. I'm tired of being grilled for the most basic information that other people just intuit from normal interactions. You're locked out of your online bank account because I screwed up on the password a bunch of times because I didn't know you'd changed it. Oh, but 1,600 questions later, you're sort of understanding the situation. 'Did you actually mean 1,600 questions, because I only asked three questions and how is that "grilling?"' Mommy needs a break.


Carrie
6:12 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

To Lynn who posted on Feb 28th 2016: My situation is very close to yours. I am at my wits end and my children are aligning behind my ASD husband so that if I leave I will be left with nothing. It is so close to this article I can't believe it. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-with-undiagnosed-autism-why-women-who-leave-lose-twice-0420164 I am running out of life options. Everyone please post your life's challenges in this ASD-NT world. It helps to know we are not alone. And it is an outlet for you. I have lost my life to someone who treats me with no respect. I will lose my children


Desert Flower
6:12 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

Wow...so grateful I found this site. Just WOW. I left a career and married a man who is definitely an undiagnosed Aspie. I have felt like Im losing my mind I was his 3rd wife by the time he was 40...He is smart, educated, a great provider....I gave up all security to marry and blend a family. I first came to a realization something was wrong when his mom was having a serious surgery, he said to her on the phone, "good luck" then carried on with his bike ride. Nothing matters to him except his interests...always angry, insults, never praises, finds fault, is never wrong....blurred boundaries. I used to be a strong, confident woman. I have been emotionally deprived and destroyed.


jm
7:13 AM
Thu 26th Jul, 2018

this site is extremely helpful explaining the confusion in my life.