In response to Lottie's comment about "a lot of you guys coming across as really, really ableist", I would point out something that is painfully obvious to most of the individuals contributing to this site. It is not our intent to discriminate against those with disabilities. If someone cannot walk well, we help them cross the street. If someone has an intellectual disability, we find ways for them to learn. But those with Asperger syndrome often and willfully masquerade as "normal" people, realizing full well that they have a disability that prevents them from understanding the rules of neurotypicals, and they compensate for this by learning to "act" normal…………Their disability is first known only to themselves, and it is cleverly disguised, until we find out too late and become entangled with it. In effect, we are victimized by a clever, premeditated, and dishonest ruse in many cases. We become unsuspecting victims of an intelligent and manipulative person who is an actor, and then when he or she gets what they want, the mask drops and we are caught in a marriage or serious relationship with someone who fooled us all along, and whose disability is largely incompatible with a normal, reciprocal relationship. I do not accept that simply calling Asperger’s a "disability" is an excuse to cause harm to others- especially since individuals with this condition are often aware at some level of the act they are playing…………..FACILITATOR’S COMMENT: Lottie and David are both correct. This is the cognitive dissonance for NT’s who live with someone with ASD. It is further compounded by experts and autism advocates who would have us continue to enable the person with ASD as a pretence to improving marriage. Thank you to both Lottie and David for their pertinent comments.

A lot of you guys come across as really, really ableist.

Hello, I just wanted to add my 2 cents to what "Estelle" wrote on 9th May 2019. She wrote: "He is mysterious about what he is working on, playing an over-busy person, though not hired anywhere and without any firm of his own. I notice that he is masculine but effeminate..." The same is true for the Asperger/HFA-colleague I have to deal with at work. He had not been hired anywhere before he joined our company (just a few odd jobs here and there), yet he portrayed himself as a successful person (and still does!). He doesn't even have an area specialisation in his field of work (which is very uncommon in our business). He also has a very effeminate side... to the point where many people are convinced that he must be gay. At the same point he seems to be kind of asexual and clueless about all things sexual. I also wanted to say that Estelle seems to be a very kind and considerate woman (like all the people who wrote testimonials). She derserves SO much better that the guy she is with now. Her gut feelings are screaming loud and clear: "Run! This is bad for you!" Our guts talk to us for a reason... Kind regards!

Narcissism is part of the behaviours of people with autism. It is not a separate mental illness.

I am with an Asperger too. Fantastic connection to start with for few months, very attentive and motivated, but always late without excuses. My first irritation about it seem to have ended his "high" love rush, I got a 2 weeks silent treat... Tok it up again, tried to understand how remarks can be taken so hardly on this side. Then, impossible to plan anything, he would dump me last minute on week-ends, probably having found something more interesting to do on his own eyes. I ended up being alone at last minute with limited possibilities to be then joined by friends. He is always justifying his absences with strange stories (stranger and stranger, in fact, much to doubt about). He is mysterious about what he is working on, playing an over-busy person, though not hired anywhere and without any firm of his own. I notice that he is masculine but effeminate, very concerned by his look, very sporty and top shape is important to him. He is walking - I should say running, he runs all the time, always late- with his arms in strange positions. He has an high IQ, very busy studying some subjects as an expert to impress people around. He is collecting systematically papers everywhere we go, concert, galleries, monuments, etc... even if already taken before. I am not allowed to go to his place, it is always at mine (it is not nice enough, he says, he has many things...). He is quickly in "bad mood", very easily overreacting, crise maximizing for small things. Then he is shuting down, hiding completely under the cover, he can not communicate anymore, can not be touched... It drives me mad... He expects only good vibes, even when he arrives one hour too late... Only times he is showing up on time is if I book an event, concert or other that starts sharp on time. But he is arriving running last minute... What I find very difficult is the insecurity he is building up in me, on what he really does (sickly busy with thousands papers home or with other ladies ?). Then the feeling of not being respected, not being important to him, given his own self centered attitude. I feel like a mistress of a married man, as he is so "unavailable", including on key dates, being birthdays, valentine, national day or whatever, when I would really count on his presence. He says he is fully honest and faithful... For long, I thought he was Asperger, then clumsy and tried to understand and cope... But honestly I see him now also as a narcissist, who seems to have fun hurting my feelings and sabotaging all opportunities that I regard as important for building our relationship... He is very handsome, has a very attaching side, a boyish candour, that is very charming, he can be impressive in knowledge, but I end up feeling alone and not understood in my needs. I am backing up now, it is too difficult... and when I read about those who courageously tried for many years here, I am thinking that there is no way to succeed in establishing a relationship that is balanced... I would need to be a robot to cope, without feelings and needs, I feel... The question is that he knows what I need and he can deliver it as he did to start with, but he choose not to do it then anymore, wanting still to stay in a relationship ? What is the point ?

Yes been there with an undiagnosed ASPIE spouse of 50 years. The brain configuration is different . No need to expect anything from your ASPIE spouse they really do not need you and prefer to be alone. It's your choice to make a life with them or not. The way to make your life tolerable is have plenty of friends and social activities for yourself do not include him as this is for you.stop having expectations. Enjoy the benefits of their positive attributes and find routines for yourself that work in a positive way.Dont be dependent upon your partner for your well being .Self help and a counselor is best. Stop expecting to be a couple as he can never fulfill that role in a traditional sense. His brain does not work like that as he can not empathize, nor does he have the need to be with you. He enjoys his own company more than others or yours. He does not need affection or physical intimacy. You will have to share that with others You will have to find solace in your time with others and pursue your own interests. The lack of executive functioning skills will drive you nuts so accept you will be the one to conduct all the responsibilities In your lives.he can do the routine repetitive tasks such as mowing lawns, folding laundry, emptying the dishwasher,buying the regular groceries. You will do all the home repairs or hire the handyman,you will plan and organize all the meals,you will be in charge of the finances,you will plan all the social activities or holidays. In short he can not think ahead to plan or predict any of these things. He can do jobs he is use to that are in front of him. Anything not planned ahead that he does not know about he will not take part in.so no new foods no new activities no new friends. He requires down time after any activity and requires time alone. This is the way it is.He is incapable of a partnership.

I dated a man when I was 25. He was smart, had a house and a good job. We went camping, fishing and bike riding together. Two years later, we married. The day after the wedding, ig was like a horror film. He refused to eat at the table with me and chose to eat while playing on the computer. When I asked him to dit with me he got mad and said: what for? I already know what you look like! When I asked if he was mad at me he got even madder and started to scream at me to leave him Alone. I cried myself to sleep each night as he was a truck driver and worked nights. I wondered what I did to upset him! Why was he so cold and unresponsive emotionally. What troubled me the most was how he’d get irritated and mad when I cried in front of him. He’d tell: Why are you crying g?? Do you feel sorry for yourself? Our daughter was born 4 months after we married. He actually left me alone most of the 48 hours at the hospital. When he cane to pick us up, he was on the phone with his friend making plans to go fishing for the week-end thé next day. I begged for him to help me. He exploded and screamed at me in the hospital room but did wind up cancelling his plans. He started the surent treatment that weekend. I was a new wife and new mother. He ignored me and refused to talk for over a week. I was so sad and devastated. When he finally talked to me I was so happy that I had no idea that I was being emotionally abused. When both my kids were diagnosed with asperger s and then he as well, it finally made sense. I’ve been criticized, ridiculed, mocked, screamed at, yelled at, ignored and isolated for 15 years. My two kids are more like me than him and they keep me going on the bad days. I’m not a bad person. My faith in God keeps me going. I’ve learned to ignore him and create a life of my own. I won’t rule out leaving him once the kids are moved out. At that point I think I’d feel to lonely to live here anymore.

I am not new to this site, but this is my first time sharing my story. I am so grateful for all the experiences you have all shared. It has pulled me out of a relationship that was emotionally mentally sexually and even physically abusive. I had left many times before, but my addiction to the aspie lured me back. Not this time. I'm 4 months out, and last night I ran into him at a social gathering. My heart dropped, but not from want, from repel. I am a very loving being, who adores her friends kids family, and when I'm in my flow my soul shines bright. Just being in the room with him shuts me down, my soul shrinks into the tiniest little ball inside. He has left so much damage from being in an intimate relationship with him. They make you feel unseen, worthless and mold us to be their perfect object of companionship while disrespecting and degrading us. There is no love, you are not special in any way, just a thing or object. I could go on about the behaviours of high functioning autism but as you know or have read, there is many shared traits but so unique in your own situation. All I can say is this, we are beings of love and joy, and if we are ever in a situation that dims this in us, then our birthright to experience happiness and life with curiosity and joy will burn out. It is very hard to leave, and the real work is after you gone, trying to heal so many deep wounds. But life is so short, and I choose to live. Because it truly is a gift and we should live it to our fullest. I believe I've gone through this extremely painful time to awaken and grow and finally shine in this beautiful world. I am grateful for my aspie, he really is a lovely man and some memories are good, but it is recovering from his Disfunctional way of relationship that grew an even more beautiful woman than he first met. And I believe I will be loved by a man exactly the way I love. Please know it will get better day by day if we focus on self love. And we will need lots of it for giving all our love to them with nothing in return. So much love and respect to all those who have shared, your stories heal the hearts of those of us who are in the crazy depths of despair, trying to get out.

I've been married 32 years. My husband has been to many doctors a d counselors and psychiatrists over the years, nobody caught it. It has been a lonely marriage on the emotional and physical side of things, but what a kind, gentle and caring man. A hard worker, great provider and allows me to do ANYTHING I want, mostly because he likes being alone. I just came back from a 30 camping trip with my dog. I was the one to suggest my husband be tested, he has "Aspergers". I took the trip because our 24 year old daughter has been dating a guy (first real boyfriend) that we would rather she didn't. I won't go into detail. They have been in counseling for three months and our daughter has actually got worse in her attitude and thinking. I have never suspected she was on the spectrum, but at 3:00am, in a tent, in the woods of Tennesee, a video started playing off youtube, "22 signs you have Aspergers " I had cried out to God to help me help our daughter, and He brought it to me in a YouTube video at 3am. I came home five days later, had a long talk with my husband and we met our daughter at the park (because she loves nature) and I told her what had happened and what I suspected. She was silent for a ling time while I explained the different things that seemed to line up. She ended up walking off but then coming around. It's taken only a couple days, but we have had the most wonderful conversations and the daughter that I "thought" I knew better than anyone is a stranger in a lot of ways, but I feel like I'm finally seeing the real woman. I asked her yesterday, what percentage do you believe you have ASD? She said 100%. So, we have some things to work thru and allow her to find out who she is, but it's going to be fine. She's a lovely young woman that we are very proud of. So talented in music, and just a kind person. Best wishes to you all.

I’m so grateful for this site. I’ve been involved with someone who has high functioning autism for 4 baffling years. I’m finally off of the merry go round. We never lived together, thank God. I could go on and on about his strange, selfish, my way or the highway mindset but it’s too exhausting. The last straw was him delegating my number when I didn’t attend a hiking trip with him and his friends and giving me the silent treatment for 2 week. Then, boom! He emails me “hi, how are you”. I’m done with the madness of thinking this man will ever Chang. I’m free!!!!!

Thank you for all your helpful testimonials. I am not in a relationship with an ASD-person, but I have to work closely with someone I strongly suspect has Asperger's/HFA………… He is in his late 40s, has a PhD and still lives with his parents. Before he came to our company a few years ago he has never had any official employment, he wasn't even registered as unemployed. His parents hid him at home for decades! He didn't even receive social security or health insurance just because he hadn't signed up for it…………… He gets very defensive and nervous when asked about his private life (I guess there is none besides his parents)…………. I am sure there has never been a diagnosis/therapy despite his strong autistic traits. Even our supervisor talked to him about his irritating behaviour (know-it-all, finishes everybody's sentences, high level of arrogance, has no executive functioning, very little common sense, bad personal hygiene, freaks out over minor incidences (everyday-stuff), gets nervous and agitated easily etc.). Still he claims that everything is okay…………… In my country you are considered legally disabled with Asperger's but he refuses to get any help. I have to share an office with him and it sucks the life out of me, yet everybody who has to work with him once in a while claims that he is "so nice".............. I told the supervisor I want to be transferred to another room. I really hope this will happen soon. Otherwise I will look for another job……….. Blessings to you all!

I'm married to an undiagnosed man with Asperger’s but didn't realize it until about 6 months ago. All along (40 years), I thought it was at least partly my fault for this loveless lonely sham of a marriage. I am in a place where I feel despair (I pray and hope somehow this will just work out, yet I know it won’t.) He is a coward; cannot stand up for himself (so forget ever sticking up for me); very immature in my opinion; selfish……………. He had an older sister who lorded over him, a brother who was VERY autistic but again never received any help (he died last year). People all said how nice he was but he almost killed my spouse when they were younger. He managed to get his temper under some control and with sibling help, lived alone in a trailer court and had a job. Never married but into pornography. I threw out my spouse's little bit he picked up when in the army……………Spouse is good provider, NOT verbally abusive, but NEVER says any compliments, stopped being nice to me with flowers, etc., after 6 months of marriage. I've always defended him and made excuses for him………………..I'm just very sad because my son never felt he had a dad. He suffers from that. He is very NT. Married someone great. My daughter has undiagnosed Asperger's. I always related to my son but found it difficult to understand my daughter. Sadly, she suffers from depression and high anxiety……………You can't fix Asperger's, but she is conscious of it because I've told her. Neither of my children REALLY believe me. I feel they have to have the "official" diagnosis to really believe it. They don't really want to "listen" to me, so it's been an added hurt………….I understand about the Cassandra phenomenon and not being believed. I haven't been able to say all this stuff to anyone. I tried counseling, but it doesn't quite seem to be helping me. I feel it's suicide, divorce, or just sticking it out. That's actually where I'm at. Moved to the extra bedroom. We haven't had sex for decades. That wouldn't bother me so much but there's NEVER been affection or intimacy...........He was like an animal when we were first married and I was the "good wife." I find I threw my life away to marry someone I wasn’t able to love. I’m done.

I would like to say thank you for this website its positive comments have saved me feeling like I am on the edge of insanity…………. I met my husband 7 years ago. He is diagnosed with Asperger’s, and at first I was totally overwhelmed by his dedication, thoughtfulness and love towards me. Fast forward to the present date and I realise now, that I was his obsession. For the last two years he has left me at times feeling suicidal. The worst being when we lost a baby and he showed more interest in candy crush and a local band than my emotional distress. I went to the cemetery and he didn’t accompany me, as he said God and religion was bullshit, my visit to the cemetery wasn’t to pray it was to be near to my baby. I came home and cried and cried and he asked if I wanted a cup of tea and then processed to go back on his computer………….He will constantly re-invents himself, at one time he ‘always wanted to be writer’ then a photographer now he thinks he is a film director. I have fought like a tigress to have the husband who once pretended to love me……………. With the help of this website, I have come to realise that he never was that person. I can’t fix what wasn’t real. He has sent me to the brink of insanity, I have had a nervous breakdown and been diagnosed with PTSD…………which is really OTRS in this case; since losing the baby and his subsequent treatment of me. I have drunk heavily, medicated myself with prescription drugs, to find some solace or make sense of his behaviour towards me……………… He fails to recognise if I am wearing a nice dress, have nice nails or hair, whether the dinner I have cooked is healthy and tasty. More often than not its complaints that I serve too big a portion; it isn’t spicy enough. He has only scripted interest such do you want tea or coffee; do you have a meeting this evening? How was work? That’s it if he doesn’t use those scripted questions I am ignored for months……………… He will frequently use social media to boost his ego and believe he is part of something; he is a successful person and all of this on a few posts on Instagram and Facebook. He has numerous Facebook, Instagram and twitter accounts. When challenged he said it was to raise business profiles and networking, but that should be something you share with your wife surely? Then I found out he had 7 google plus accounts all in different names and the only people liking his posts was himself………. At times I feel scared that this man is a total stranger to me and I am unsure what he will do next. I feel humiliated by the way he has deceived me and treated me. The impact on my mental health, my children and my mother who worry constantly about me is something he is responsible for. A human being needs interaction, communication, empathy and partnership. He can’t give me those. Do I believe he can’t help it? In a nut shell no. He knows right from wrong. He knows he hurts me; I feel he has sociopathic tendencies and narcissism……………. The black hole he has put me in has two endings, I either climb out and rebuild myself from years of emotional abuse and leave or I just end my life. And ending my life isn’t an option. I used to be happy, social, have my own money and vivacious. I was always laughing, dancing and singing. I have a high-powered career and I refuse to let him take from me the qualities I was raised with. I am learning to re-build my self-respect, confidence and self-esteem. My advice to anyone going into a relationship with someone with Asperger’s is if you have a strong steel spine, broad shoulders and no need for reciprocal emotions then continue. If you don’t, walk away and don’t look back. From my experience they suck the very core from you.

Thank you for the site you've created and the accountability you place on the abusive behavior which pervades the homes of those of us unlucky enough to have been seduced by someone with self-diagnosed Asperger’s (refused to get himself officially diagnosed but told me about 2.5 years in to our 12 years together). I find so much of my own experience here…………….. I am sick, have an auto-immunity based degenerative joint disorder thanks to childhood trauma but most certainly the last twelve years kicked it in full board. It's been isolating as no one in my once-quite-large community believes me. He took full control of the money. I had to leave my home and community built over 25 years to survive in a lesser priced city, starting from scratch with nothing. I still feel lucky to be out……………….. He hasn't given one iota of thought to the damage caused. There was never an apology for the violence throughout or at the end. It was verbal with some lunges and hands raised but a LOT of verbal abuse. This site puts it perfectly. That abuse sticks and cements itself in your memory and nervous system for quite some time……………………. My question is if there are any recovery recommendations you can suggest to get past the total lack of closure. The feeling of unfairness of all of this, that he enjoys love immediately, seemingly rewarded for abusing someone so horrible, while I live in a city where I don't know anyone working paycheck to paycheck to rebuild leaves me feeling utterly broken and trying to find a reason to keep moving forward……………… Empathy disorders will soon destroy humanity. The hidden aspect of the NT experience is inexcusable…………….. Thank you for your site. Thank you so much for taking the time to tell OUR stories. They walk away free of any illness, pain, remorse or regret. NT's are riddled with medical issues, energy depletion and emotional trauma taking years to heal if they heal at all. Something is hugely uneven and unfair about this arrangement……………….. The lack of macro empathy from ASD lobbies is just a larger version of the issues I experienced at home. Ignored, disregarded, and isolated. Please keep turning up the volume of our voices, and share our stories. We deserve just as much protection as the autism community. What better person to choose to bridge the divide felt by a person with ASD than to choose someone who has a link to the emotional world. I will sign off with a HUGE THANK YOU, again

I recently ended a 5.5 year relationship with a man with ASD after catering to his needs, interests, schedules, and diet daily without in-kind reciprocation. I did all the cooking and housework. When there was something to carry or move, I did it. He opened perhaps 3 doors for me in 6 years. I became his therapist, listening to lengthy accounts of work and lunch, trying to soothe him from the critiques of his parents and associates. We didn’t talk about me. Sometimes I tried to get a quick phrase in, just to not feel invisible. I became an interjector, a blurter out of the shortest phrases possible before his ears closed. He rarely expended an effort on me that didn't involve his special interests, shopping and driving. He listened to me when he made shopping lists. If I wanted to go for a walk in nature, we might drive for two hours, walk for ten minutes, then drive back for two more hours. It didn’t matter that I don’t enjoy riding in cars. He was unaffectionate and never said a single endearment to me. My own endearments and nurturing of him were irrelevant toward fostering a bond; his capacity for that is absent…………………Three years into it he referred to himself as single. I covered for him. If I was in pain, or was tired while cooking or cleaning, he couldn't gauge that, so I didn’t get much-needed breaks from those chores. Once I had a severe headache and told him I couldn't lift my head off the pillow, and that I may have had a stroke. He said "Do you want a tablet?” His ‘caring’ stems from logic, damage prevention, and staying off peoples’ radars, not from their well-being. Only when I broke down and felt hated would he say (hollowly) “But I love you.” Yet that closed-fisted hug, that dry minimal kiss, the unwillingness to reciprocate a massage, or even to touch – all festered inside. My personality became stifled and corroded…………………..In attempts to prevent illness by withdrawing emotionally, I asked him if we could redefine the relationship as platonic or open, but he wouldn’t have it. He said he wasn’t a germaphobe, didn’t find me repulsive, and wasn’t gay (there was no sex). When it hit me – Aha, ASD - he took offense. His mind blindness and disinclination to give of himself destroyed the relationship, but my need now to relocate, start over, and try to recover from convulsive waves of confusion, anxiety, and long term lack of belonging are at my own expense……………….I’m sympathetic to those on the spectrum who, like anyone else, don’t want to be alone, but when an ASD person camouflages on a date, they pave the way for a partner to suffer. No one should be lured into a damaging relationship. If only there were some sort of litmus test or friendly questionnaire which dates could ask of each other to determine whether one of them is ASD, it could prevent so much suffering!.......................Facilitator suggests that NT’s change the way they approach assessing the connection in the early days: look for what’s not there; what’s not happening; all those subtle missing bits that are easy to overlook because they seem of no big consequence in the beginning. ASD is about what’s missing as much as what happens. Those small niggles that easy-going, flexible NT’s ignore.

I have been with my husband for 19years and knew he was different but didn't realise that he had high functioning AS until his daughter was diagnosed about 4 years ago. I always thought she was strange and that explained why. I still didn't realise that my husband had AS until he mentioned that maybe he had it. Nothing was ever done about it and we just sailed along for the next few years. Our sex life was not very satisfying and a couple of years ago we stopped intimacy. It was not until a few months ago, just after Christmas he told me he was leaving me to pursue a relationship with this woman that he had known for a year ( younger of course). He said she was his intellectual equal. That hurt. Since then I have researched As and realised all the time I was exhausting myself trying to get emotional reactions from my husband I was flogging a dead horse. What it has helped me with is to understand that I did nothing wrong. It is liberating to know that. He has taken all his problems with him and someone else has to deal with them. I feel free even though I still feel hurt and betrayed I realise that whether or not they can help it AS people are very selfish.

It’s impossible for a neurotypical to turn off empathy, caring, compassion, love, mutual understanding....it cannot be done. How in the world do “experts” believe that AS adults can simply turn off their AS brain...it cannot be done, and because AS cannot change...experts expect and demand that NTs change their very being to accommodate a person with neuro-developmental disorders as their spouse.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences! I feel like I'm not all alone in this anymore. I have been in a long distance relationship with a man who has Asperger's for the past 2 and half years. I've tried to end the relationship several times over the past year but the feelings of sympathy I have for him and the pressure his family puts on me to stay with him have drawn me back into the relationship over and over again. He is the most selfish, uncaring (although he once told me that even though he comes across as being cold blooded he's actually a softie at heart).. What a liar. There is nothing soft or caring about him. He only cares about his needs and what's going to be convenient for him that's it. From the very beginning I felt like something was amiss but I couldn't figure out exactly what it was and chalked a lot of our communication problems up to the fact that we were in a long distance relationship. I was recently venting to one of my co-workers about how sad and lonely I have been and continue to be in this relationship and she suggested that it sounds like he has Asperger's. I work with children and many of them are autistic so I don't know why I didn't see these signs in him? One thing that threw me off is that he is very successful in his sales career. He functions well with his job, but of course it's because he makes money from his clients so again there's something in it directly for him. I have had a long, painful struggle coming to terms with the reality that the man I feel in love with doesn't exist. I'm choosing to leave this relationship before uprooting my life, leaving my family and my job that I love here and moving to another state to be with him. However I still have a broken heart, I still care about and feel sorry for him. So there is still a struggle. I am trying to accept the fact that I am going to feel just as alone if I am married to him as I do being 1200 miles away from him. Thank you all again for sharing your experiences. If I can help even one person as you all sharing your experiences have helped me then it makes my struggles and pain worth it.

I married my husband in 2013 and had no idea that he had Asperger’s Syndrome. I didn’t even know what it was and probably wouldn’t have figured it out had it not been for my mother who tutors children with learning disabilities. My mother was the first to suggest that my husband had autism. My husband is the most selfish, inconsiderate person that ever was. We have separated and he provides me with no financial support for our daughter. He doesn’t spend time with us at all. When we were married, he had no clue about what was appropriate in a marriage. He would Skype women insisting they’re “friends,” but would act possessive and jealous deleting contacts from my phone, Facebook, etc. He obsessively keeps track of my social media accounts and read every exchange between myself and other people. Yet everything he does is very secretive. I know absolutely nothing about his life. My husband withdrew affection and acted progressively more distant after our daughter was born. He went from doting on me and giving me his undivided attention to being emotionally unavailable and physically gone. He left our family home every opportunity he got. Sometimes even sitting in his car alone for hours after work making phone calls rather than coming inside. He made me feel so desperately lonely in our marriage. We have been separated for six years and I’m contemplating divorce.

I want people who are living with an autistic person to know that autistic people lack empathy, inability to consider feelings of others, and are compulsive liars. You might settle for these unhealthy relationships for whatever reason, but do not let ANYONE convince you that what you are experiencing is not real or somehow your fault. I would suggest you read everything you can on narcissists and listen to experts on utube who talk about narcissistic abuse. "A rose by any other name". Perhaps in the future, there will be more understanding about autism and future generations with this developmental disorder can be helped to a degree. Also, it is important for future generations of autistic people to learn to be honest about their condition so a neurotypical can make a decision about their degree of involvement with autistic individuals. Pretending something does not exist does not make it go away!

This site has been so helpful. I actually look at it daily to find out what others have experienced. Why do Aspie's go to the trouble of seeking out "love and relationship" when clearly they are unable to sustain it? I am working through a break-up w/a 61-year-old male who has undiagnosed Asperger's. I am 59. Neither of us has been married. I have one adult child. I spent some nights in his home, but never lived with him. In my experience, he pushes boundaries to "pick fights" or otherwise treat me poorly so he won't have to engage sexually and/or emotionally. In the beginning he seemed like he really wanted intercourse. He bragged about his sexual prowess as a younger man. Each time he wanted to go out of town and spend the night, it ended in disaster and hurt feelings. This last time, he ended the "relationship." I am quite aware of my failings. He is not aware of his. It's always my fault. He has been unable to accept that I am more worldly than he and equally as intelligent, albeit in different subject areas. He seems to resent me when he's "not the smartest person in the room." And, though it hurts that he broke up the "relationship," there is also relief because it has been so difficult. My head was often "swimming." Like so many others who have made loving efforts to accommodate their sensitivities to noise, crowds, touch, etc. Not once has he recognized that I have been loving, patient, gracious, kind, generous, and thoughtful. Like the many who wrote about "in the beginning" he was gentle, kind, and affectionate. Like all the others, when the mask falls off, I have been blindsided, waiting, I suppose, for the one I love to return. How does one heal when the person you love doesn't exist?

O M G this is the first time I have ever read anything about the partners of a person with Asperger’s or any kind of autism. I thought I was alone in my thinking that sometimes I just want to die and how for the past 46 years I have been emotionally abused by my husband who has Asperger's...... Thankyou to you all in making me feel at least human and that it is not just me. There has always been a lot of information on how to support someone with autism but not any kind of understanding for the rest of their family or their main carer. So now I say to hell with it why should we suffer and walk around on egg shells and have our lives ruined they are the selfish ones for putting us through this when they jolly well know right from wrong so why the heck didn’t they just live on their own instead of ruining our lives? Mine has been wrecked after all these years; a bit late now to start again.

We are a gay couple . I have lived with my partner for 16 years. People sometimes ask how long we have been together and I have always replied ‘ too long ‘. I mean it. I don’t know how much longer I can endure this type of existence. I think about dying and suicide frequently. Although I’m not sure I could commit that. I just wish I wasn’t with him. He is and always has been difficult. I told myself for ages, that really, he means well and is a good person. But I’ve stopped believing that. Walking on egg shells is a term used a lot. It’s so easy to say or do something innocent which meets with anger and criticism.if I want to ask him something, the words go round and around in my mind for days or weeks as I know his likely response. It’s best not to say anything. Timing is a huge issue with him. He specifies what time things must happen. If anything goes over time, the world will end ! When my Father was dying in hospital, upon visiting and on arrival, I was informed by my partner we had to leave by a certain time. When sitting with my Father, my partner sat flicking loudly through magazines, huffing and puffing and looking at his watch. So understanding and supportive wasn’t he !! He doesn’t talk to anyone the way he talks to me. I feel I’m doing someone else a favour as no one else would put up with him. If I left , he would fall apart....that’s what I keep telling myself, although it’s me who is falling apart It’s just a waiting game ....waiting to see who dies first...me or him.

I can't breath around him and our many kids (ASD/ADHD) They suck the air out of me. I had NO idea about his ASD/ADHD before we were married 20 years ago. He LOVES his career (he is quite successful-- due in large part to the team of people around him who also get the life sucked out of them) I live with an emotional hangover each and every day-- I am physically exhausted. I now take medication for anxiety--- I never know what new surprises my ASD/ADHD husband and multiple kids will offer to me each day. Back against the wall, I gave up my career to give my kids a fighting chance in this world. I had too many missed work days running to the school to assist when one of the kids had a meltdown.... why even bother trying to keep a career--- I can't when the school needs me because my kid caused another lockdown because he/she tried to run off of the school grounds. Married to ASD and raising kids just like him is a prison sentence---He really is another child to me. He doesn't see the wake of emotional destruction he leaves in his path---- He has no understanding of his rude behavior and arrogance. He does not understand how horrible his behavior is towards me. He is horrible to our kids. (He thinks they are rude, have no filter, obnoxious, exhausting, and at times unlovable) Wow husband--- sound like anyone else living in this house!?!?!? My new "career" includes having no life and catering to the mental health needs of my family. Other daily chores include damage control due to all of the insults that pour out of his mouth for which he is completely clueless. Let's not forget the fact that if it is NOT a preferred activity-- he wants nothing to do with it.... that means 90% of what needs completed falls on me. He tells me that I am the issue in this marriage because I have turned into a total bitch, I am no fun, I am not fun to be around. Gee, do you think I might be salty because I am exhausted, anxious, and pissed because the one ride I get in this life is ruined because of my own poor choice in a mate?? I really am pissed at myself because I was fooled by his "normal" behavior before we got married. I often wonder if I am being punished for something I did as a child--- is HE my punishment?? I MISS feeling like me. I miss being happy. I miss sleep. I miss my career. I miss having friends. I miss feeling loved. I miss feeling an emotional connection to a partner. I miss feeling like I matter. Hell, I miss sex that isn't completely selfish. Thank goodness I have the best dog in the world--- that dog loves me unconditionally.

I have recently split from my husband after over 20 years. I spent years wishing we could have a 'normal' family where two people work together as a team, and wondering why in 20 years my husband never once took the children out for the morning. I was never able to have a straight forward conversation. Instead we danced around from subject to subject as my husband avoided the simple issue I wanted to discuss. If I asked a second time he got angry. There was never a commitment to any plans. I was told that separation was wrong, and that God put us together, so we had to stay together. Now we have split he lives we my brother and our eldest son. Both my son and my brother see him as the victim he acts as, and blame me for everything. He has split our own family, and split my family too because I did not do what he wanted.

I could have written these testimonials, esp. the ones by judith and Florida gal. Women are bullied into keeping quiet about the realities of living with a man on the autism spectrum. My husband's behavior changed on our wedding day. I was so shocked by his constant lying, verbal and physical abuse, I thought he had had a stroke or something. I insisted we go to a specialist university to have him tested as well as multiple therapists. He played the victim and found it amusing he could fool these "professionals". The so called "expert" at the university would not allow me to use the word autism, but got up in my face and started yelling axis numbers from the DSM at me......... This entire ordeal has seriously traumatised me. For a long time, I had nightmares about the psychologist from the university who I now know is on the spectrum. I am slowly coming out of my fog, but I am 65, sold my home, and gave up a job with good benefits. I have become very distrustful of people.

Marriage longevity does not prove love.

There is so little emotional and psychological help for NTs partners it just seems unfair. My therapist who works with Asperger’s patients is constantly dumbfounded by my life...because her patients tell her only what’s important to them. None of them tell her about their 'gibberish' when manic, the constant cussing out their spouse, their meltdowns. None of them tell her about their faults, miraculously believing they have none.

I can't thank you enough for this wonderful validating site. The real painful truth about what we NT partners suffer has been stamped on and ignored for too long. We have been bullied into silence by the autistic advocates who vehemently deny their bad behaviours and instead blame society and everyone but themselves and totally deny the severe intolerable suffering inflicted on the NT. It's time our voices were heard! Thank you again

Autism/Asperger's is the only disability that doesn't know it's disabled. it's not different, it's a developmental disorder.

I found pages from 192 onwards of No Team Player conducive to restoring sanity as is the Chart: "Effects of Differing Neuro/Developmental Levels on Neurological/Autism Spectrum Adult relationships". Helped me to see how we differed and how it wasn't my fault why the relationship didn't work out.

Professionals recommend I detach from particular interactions in my NT/ASD marriage to save my physical health and emotional sanity. That means they still want me to be selectively connecting in this relationship. There's huge irony in this since there is no connecting with them at all in any meaningful way in a marriage, ever. Disconnecting by physically leaving is the only way. If one has to remain for economic, age or other reasons, then completely disconnecting emotionally is the only alternative.

Professionals and others with vested interests in and around the ASD community, use the words “evidence based” to imply neurotypical (NT) spouses’ narrated experiences in their relationship are unscientific, therefore not true. What this suggests to the NT is, “We don’t really believe your experience. We, the experts, will tell you what your experience is and should be,” completely denying the lived knowledge of the NT…………Professionals within the AS community continue to ignore innumerable, unsolicited NT testimonies over decades, all describing the same life-experiences with their ASD spouses. There are several well conducted research papers which back up the NT spouses’ experience……………Couples counsellors and therapists add the proviso on NT-ASD couples counselling, that both partners must make a serious commitment to making the relationship work. These therapists fail to consider the fact that the definition of ASD, describes rigid, unchangeable routines; mindblindness and lack of Theory of Mind, creating an inability to see and understand another’s point of view; lack of insight by the person with ASD into their own behaviour and extreme communication difficulties: insurmountable obstacles to creating any type of real change in the behaviour of ASD adults in relationships. By definition, AS individuals do not do relationships well……………The advice offered to the couple is for the NT to completely change their way of operating in a social world and relationships, to accommodate the deficits of ASD, adding to the trauma and abuse of the neurotypical family members. This could be interpreted by NT individuals seeking support and assistance, as mal-practice and unethical by ignoring their input and experiences regarding their personal family life…………There have been no short term or longitudinal studies to prove NT-ASD couples counselling does effectively work, and is maintainable over time. Anecdotal evidence concludes that NT-ASD couples counselling has only a temporary effect on the marriage, and it quickly reverts to the previous difficulties. The person with ASD is unable to maintain the effort required. Expecting ASD individuals to do what goes against their brain wiring can be cruel and abusive to them and the way they view life…………….Gender bias is another enormous problem in getting efficient help for Neurotypical spouses from professionals. Many professionals treat NT females as neurotic and demanding, not knowing their own mind and having no common sense. NT-males in NT-ASD relationships seldom discuss their family problems with anyone because they are not believed. Society’s view of what a man is and should be, denies their need for respect, to love and be loved. It’s NT “men don’t tell” about domestic abuse and violence when they are the abused person.

Professionals and “experts” do not get how the behaviour of adults with AS affects EVERYONE within the family. NT spouses, NT children, AS children...and who gets counseling and support? The person who has AS......totally ignoring every other person within the family. AS is a soul-breaking disability for people around them.

I have been married to my husband almost 30 years. I was widowed with three small boys when I met this man six months later. Six weeks later we were married. He was so helpful and kind at first. I remember thanking God for giving me a new best friend………The minute I said "I do" everything changed. He was in the military and he let me know that his job came first. He would yell at me that I wasn't to ask him for anything or expect anything from him. I should continue to take care of the house and kids and when he was home, I was to consider that a bonus………He wasn't deployed or sent anywhere - it was just regular work hours. If I waited up for him to come home, I got screamed at because he assumed I would expect him to help with the kids the next day. I was so confused. I stayed up because I was a newlywed and I loved him………Physical violence came next and I was so ashamed. I kept thinking he just didn't understand what marriage was supposed to be…………Eighteen years into this travesty of a marriage where there was no intimacy unless he initiated it (maybe 5 times a year), he spent a night in jail for slapping me. We went to a no-nonsense counselor and reconciled. That lasted only a few months. Him screaming at me and threatening me got worse. By this time, he had ruined my credit by betraying my trust. I allowed property to be put in my name and he promised to make the payments. When things got tough, he made the decision to stop paying the mortgages and did not tell me until foreclosure was the only choice…………People close to me ask why I don't leave, but this is MY home and I don't have the money or credit to go anywhere. We now have separate rooms, but I feel like I'm living with a person who is just waiting for me to fail…………..He has always been the kind of man to hurt me more when I am already weak or struggling. It's often a nightmare, but I do have faith in God and my kids (including the two girls we had together) are out of the house and in healthy relationships………….I never planned to be in my 50s and living like this with a man who has no respect for me. I got my master's degree 13 years ago and he never acknowledged it - nothing. I was incredibly hurt after I celebrated his accomplishments and birthdays over the years. Now, I am trying with everything in me, not to let bitterness overtake me. Thank you all for sharing - it's good to know I am not alone.

I got married in 1965, I was married for 14 years and had three boys. After all these years I feel I have found the answer I have been seeking. I loved him and bent over backward to be a perfect wife, a good housekeeper and an excellent cook. I know now that my Mother was Asperger’s. So, I understand the effects of her constant abuse and have suffered my whole life from the affects of this. Then I married another one. Lack of empathy when I was diagnosed with Meningitis, lack of empathy or caring with the 3 pregnancies of my 3 boys…………strange behaviors, going off and leaving me with a new born baby and no help. Never saying sorry, no interest in anything I did. Sarcasm, put downs, he never noticed anything I did like decorating the home, never noticed that I had my hair cut. Physical abuse. We bought a farm and then my fear became so intense as I watched in horror while my husband allowed my children to do what I consider dangerous things around farm equipment. My pleas to be watchful and protect them as they were only 7, 9 and 3 were ignored. He let my 9 year old drive a 40 hp tractor alone in the big field whilst he watched from the edge of the field……I got told I was nagging and that I was overreacting, too emotional. Then the youngest got killed going to the mailbox.........that was the end of my life as a wife and mother. It tore the whole family apart. It’s becoming evident that most likely both my surviving boys have the same thing.....ASPERGER'S!! The reading here has validated me, uplifted me………I’ll be 75 in April and this happened over 40 years ago! It’s never too late to heal, I’ve worked on it for years. Thank you for this website

What David said below, I agree with. People with Asperger's are smart in some ways and they know right from wrong, they know when they’re hiding information that’s going to hurt you, they also know how to hurt you, they understand what causes pain, the problem is that they don’t have any empathy, so the very act of hurting you is of no consequence to them. They are unable to imagine what you’re going to feel after they cleverly deliver insensitive insults. And neither do they care. They’re too busy being pleased with themselves over having come up with something clever that’s biting, spiteful, punishing and painful for the recipient. Ever noticed how they can’t come up with anything clever that is complementary, encouraging, rewarding? They’re able to go out in society, have dinner at a restaurant interact with people and conduct business without completely offending anyone because they understand how to behave. However, it causes them a great deal of stress because the rigidity of their narrow operating rules, makes them really want to correct everyone on a regular basis………………….. At home they let their mask fall away. You will be at the whipping post daily as they vent their anxiety. No love, no respect or caring, no nurturing. They have complete lack of insight to your existence, needs, wants, anything that is you. You’ll be stripped and become invisible because of them ignoring you, after they use and punish you is the most effective way they have with coping with the universe; even as a partner that lives with you in the same house. They simply will never get you. They walk away from you mid-sentence because they simply don’t have any interest in anything you say. They’re only interested in anything that pertains to them specifically. They’re sometimes successful, can be intelligent, good at anything mechanical, systematic, anything that requires logic and is doable is appealing to them. They will not try to do anything they aren’t sure they can accomplish ahead of time. This makes life very boring as spontaneousness is non-existent………………. Don’t try to have a discussion about a picture hanging on the wall, they’ll look at you like a cow looking at a new gate. I’m three years into a relationship with a man who hid this from me, he had a previous diagnosis in his marriage (she left) but instead he has chosen to ruin my trust and compassionate heart with blame, pointing out every flaw he can find imaginable, as the excuse for treating me poorly on a regular basis. Rather than tell me his specific traits he was willing to cover up his dx, create a false façade and throw me to the wolves to preserve himself………….. Accountability is something they know nothing about. If you’re dating someone in the beginning and note there are what I call small glitches, some issues, communication problems, misunderstandings...take this as a sign to run the other way. These are not people that are inexperienced or can be taught anything, but have a fixed way of looking at the universe and use one part of their brain for all decisions, (more or less) being unable to integrate, synthesize, create and make connections between concepts. This will leave you reeling just trying to have a simple conversation. One of their favorite things to do is to pick out a key word from something you’re trying to communicate, string it together in a sentence of their own choosing, to fit their own world view: it twists the meaning, so in this way they are liars, although they sometimes don’t mean to be………………… I don’t think any of them should have a get out of jail free card. Asperger’s or narcissism the outcome is exactly the same. It doesn’t matter, it can’t be changed and your life will be empty emotionally, barren, lacking love and you will be the parent to an adult person who will criticize and blame you for everything that goes wrong. Asperger’s make a mess everywhere they go, emotionally damage everyone around them and then turn around and ask you what your problem is. If you want a reciprocal relationship built on trust, love, caring and respect run away from someone with ASD. If you want to be forced to parent a grown person, to have to do everything, have no emotional fulfillment and be blamed for anything that goes wrong in the their life, knock yourself out. I don’t mean to be hard on people with ASD but they can’t be cured. You will suffer a lot by the time you figure out what it is. You spend years trying to decide if they are a good person who sometimes does bad things or they’re a bad person who sometimes does good things. You can never really sort it out. It doesn’t matter, the effect on you is the same.

Unbelievable. I waited 15 years to find this web site and subsequent links. I have been in a "relationship" with someone with highly functioning (brilliant but broken) Aspergers for 15 years. We started out as a "couple", but since he has severe impulse control issues (we met online) and is a serial cat fisher, wound up "breaking up" in 2007. Of course, I have taken care of him since. He follows me around the country with his manipulation and I have saved him (2 evictions on my credit report, roommates without him working for four years) while he "Peter Pans" his lying, Bohemian lifestyle. Of course, now we are still roommates and he is working. But control issues? Manipulation? I lost my life here somehow. There should be a study on co-dependents and Aspies, because seriously? Match made in h e double toothpicks. Now? Try to shake off a lying, manipulative, Peter Pan man in his early forties who talks in baby voice while you are setting boundaries? I think at the end of it the other side of the autism relationship gets just bitter. Bitter pill to swallow since they don't change. I am getting him OFF my cell phone plan because the lies don't stop. Actually MOVING OUT or evicting him soon. Sad. So many people are like "la la la" autism awareness while the abused members of this sector, raised by the wrong parents are worst than psychopaths because they become permanent parasites. Angry and getting free. Can't believe I just now found this web site - - 15 years alter. PS? We are not a "couple" anymore - but he has managed to emotionally manipulate an additional five years out of me. Blech.

My husband had a late diagnosis of autism 5 years ago. Life has been hell and I almost lost all sense of self worth. This site has been so helpful.

I've shed a few tears reading your experiences. For anyone considering or starting a relationship with an Asperger partner - think again and again. At the moment the attention you're getting isn't real, you're just the latest special interest they call them - an obsession we call them. The masking or role playing is being used to cover up who you are really with. Later as the mask slips you'll find yourself, your very sense of being slowly, but remorselessly undermined 'death by a thousand paper cuts' There will be the self serving manipulation. The control - we eat now, we go to bed now, don't laugh, don't smile it upsets me. The tantrums and physical violence for merely having the 'wrong look' on your face. The cruel jibes and insults designed to hurt and undermine. Never hearing the word 'sorry'. Walking on eggshells. The new obsessions paid for regardless of any monetary consideration. The social isolation - never going out and meeting anyone together, the outbursts in front of now lost friends, the fear of bringing anyone home. The endless droning monologues about the latest obsession.The hours of never being spoken to except for some demand or another. Never being hugged, kissed, chatting about hopes, dreams or aspirations. Never sharing a laugh. My health and wealth have gone, I'm tired - but you still have a chance to lead the life you deserve.

Why are NT workshops always run by an Aspie who has no idea of what it�s like to be an NT? I�m speaking from experience in Australia.

Thank you for your webpage on Post Traumatic Relationship Syndrome. It is good to know it�s not "all in my head", even if, now it kind of is. I am really broken and trying to raise a kid without raging against the abuser that has him the other half of the time. I just wanted to thank you � I share your website, its great information.

When we first married, 25 years ago, I did not know he had Asperger�s. On our honeymoon he told me that I was smothering him with kisses and to stop. I was so confused. He also would go to bed and not say goodnight to me when we were first married. I was shocked that he would do that... he also would hide from me so that he would not have to kiss or do anything with me. I was hitting rock bottom emotionally by then and it was only the first year of our marriage. My parents were not supportive as they didn�t believe me. My husband started to degrade me after a year of marriage...saying I was too thin or I had gained a few pounds and that was unattractive to him. He used any excuse not to be with me sexually. I started to become really down and went for therapy.... but at this point I had no idea he had Asperger�s. I thought I was the one to blame. Then a counsellor from the church told me that he had all the signs and symptoms of Asperger�s. This was 5 years into my marriage. I asked his mom about it and she said the reason she got divorced was because her husband was so cold and aloof. She said that her son (my husband) saw me as a threat... If he got too close to me ...he might have to have sexual relations with me and this was what he felt threatened with. Then I spoke with his grandmother and she told me that her husband... my husband�s grandfather... was cold as ice... She said the only way to see him was to go to the yacht club. All 3 men had Asperger�s... it has a genetic component to it� I learned to distance myself from my husband... if I can call him that... he is more like a brother. We don't even share the same room anymore and he is fine with that. I've come to fear him ...not that he ever hit me physically... but he can ruin me mentally... He plays mind games. He would hug me in the morning and for the rest of the month ignore me... not look up from his book ... walk away in the middle of my sentence because he had something better to do� I've learned I can't handle that mentally anymore. I keep my distance from him. No arguing or hanging out with him. It's pretty much a dead marriage. I have 2 children just out of college and I have to say that I feel so lonely without them ... I miss when they were little�the hugs and kisses that I never got from my husband... I always got from them. But now I live with a husband who loves his quiet time alone... very solitary unless there are men to go fishing or boating with. I just feel so lonely and sad that 25 years have gone by and my little ones are now 21 years old and have lives of their own. I want them to be independent... and I am happy for them. I just wish I had a real husband... instead of a man who is like a five year old emotionally and a teenager intellectually. I have to say that if anyone even suspects that the man or woman they are going to marry has issues with kissing, holding hands etc... Please Leave that person. There is no cure for Asperger�s syndrome and the majority of spouses I have talked to are depressed/anxious/etc. My husband also cannot handle normal life events... if anything goes wrong... if the children get sick or things don't go his way... he talks a mile a minute, gets agitated, has almost a panic attack... I have to handle all the messy stuff by myself. He can't seem to look in anyone�s eyes... he has no clue to open a door for an elderly woman or man with a walker... Also, no empathy or compassion... but if something bad happens to him� he wants to talk about it and have me reassure him that everything will be okay. I hope I can get some coping skills to help with feeling so lonely and blue and also contribute to finding ways to help me.

I just read the open letter from Sophia Morgan, 2014. It was very helpful and made me feel validated and sane. I have reason to suspect that my husband of 15 years has high functioning Asperger�s. The revelation is recent and still fresh. The more literature that I read and testimonials, the more pieces of the puzzle fall into place and seem to point to AS. So, now I ask �What do I do now?� My conclusion at this early stage of awareness is to keep myself intact by gaining knowledge and finding support where I can. Hopefully a window of opportunity will open, where my husband will be able to listen to someone who can shed light on the situation for him. As his OCD and anxieties increase I am hoping he may get fed up enough toward people for relief and listen to professionals. But I have my doubts. As for me, I feel safe in the sense that he no longer lashes out physically. I will not tolerate that anymore and he is afraid that I will leave. I hope that Sophia knows that her openness and taking action to share her experiences publicly, is greatly appreciated!

The healthcare industry seems intent on seeing autism strictly as a disease -- and even went so far as to essentially eliminate Asperger's from the definition in order to do it. But, that taints all research into the area: Which autism were they looking at? The non-verbal unable to use a bathroom or function independently? Or did they look at the Silicon Valley genius who made himself a few billion dollars? The difference is far more than a matter of severity. The analogy of the 40 blind men describing an elephant comes to mind: "It's long and thick" -- "It's broad and flat like a huge leaf" -- "It's rough and flat like the side of a barn". The Aspergian genius is as autistic as the non-verbal with Kanner's autism and his genius stems from his autism, not in spite of it. You can't look at only part of a condition and expect to produce valid results. It's fine to have a spectrum to describe the condition -- much like COPD describes a host of respiratory conditions. But you still need to have and to know the subtypes when researching or treating the condition -- just like you need to know whether you're dealing with emphysema or asthma.

I'm so glad to find this site and see that others are also struggling to live with a spouse on the autism spectrum. I'm 61 and 5 years into the relationship. I left my community to be with him in a distant place where I knew no-one but him. He is retired and I am disabled although I work part time. The first two years were relatively good although I often felt very isolated and lonely. Thank goodness I had my grown-up son and more recently more friends, especially women friends. He's highly intelligent in some areas and that's a lot of what attracted me to him. But having an ordinary conversation is very difficult. He proclaims his opinions and cannot seem to deal with the normal back and forth of debating an issue. I'm an academic, very used to rigorous debate so this was hard for me. I’m ok with sometimes being alone which is why our relationship hasn't totally collapsed. Normally he is kind, friendly and affectionate but he can go into a rage if I challenge him on anything. His reaction is to attack and blame me for whatever is wrong. He helps very little with household chores and absolutely none with food. He mostly lives in his own world with very little need for interaction, except for sex which he pressures me quite a bit for. This is very hard for me when I feel so little emotional connection. It's probably the most difficult aspect of the relationship for me. It's hard but I'm not quite ready to give up. I wish I could find a way to make it work, but I realize he will never change, so all I can do is change my expectations and how I interact with him. Once again, all the work in this relationship is on my shoulders. Spouses/partners of people with autism really need genuine support groups, where they can share their experience.

To all those neurotypical partners out there I would like to share my story in the hopes that it might offer some consolation to you. Three years ago I moved out of the custom built home my husband and I built into an apartment. I was in such a state of shame I am surprised that I could function.My family didn't understand why I could leave such a nice guy and good provider . It was a period in my life of intense loneliness and forever changed my relationship with my siblings and parents. Fast forward three years I am now in a condo I love, I have a legal post nuptial agreement with my husband that is satisfactory and although the romantic relationship is not viable the friendship and mutual respect has returned.I could not have gotten this far without the support of this site, a counselor well versed in the AS/Neurotypical dynamic and the deep women friends that supported me through this crisis. Sometimes I am wistful for the relationship that was only in my dreams and not supported by reality, some times I am saddened by how I have changed no longer a girl with girlish dreams but rather a tired middle age woman who would prefer peace and not the ups and down of a romantic relationship. But more and more I am quietly proud of how I am evolving into my truest self without the distraction of confusion regarding my feelings.Peace on your journey.

I am carer, coach, guardian, parent, teacher, protector, friend and social guide. I am NOT loved, appreciated, adored, cared for, considered, noticed, loved or wanted at times. Don't dare tell me this is fixable, my fault, imagined. It is a lonely, sad hell on earth being a spouse of someone with autism.

I am the husband (of 28 years) of a wife with (undiagnosed) AS. Our daughter (20) was diagnosed autistic at 5 years old. My father-in-law was definitely AS (although undiagnosed). My wife's nephew has been diagnosed autistic. Very recently a friend of ours pointed out similarities between my wife and daughter. I had not recognised AS in my wife. I have been researching the web for information (there are masses). Your site has confirmed to me that my wife is certainly AS and I am suffering from Cassandra's syndrome. I have suffered from depression for around 20 years (diagnosed by my GP). I have been confused and lonely for a long time despite my tireless efforts to make our marriage work. Thank you so much for lifting the veil. I sent an email (to give her time to process) to my wife suggesting she is on the spectrum in the most loving and positive way I could. She had a meltdown and told me to f*** off. I think our marriage is over. To be honest I'm not so sad. I'm so grateful for your site.

This is a very validating website, and I appreciate reading through others' experiences. Most of the posts are from women, but neurotypical men are victims of women with Asperger syndrome more than people realize, since the condition is under-diagnosed in women. In my own situation, I was completely fooled by a woman who was very charming, a great actor, who viewed me as her "special interest" for a while, until things got closer and she suddenly did a disappearing act, leaving me to wonder what happened. No response, no explanation, no empathy (even though they claim to have more empathy than normal). I was just suddenly discarded like an object. Although she told me that she had been diagnosed with Aspergers at one point in the "relationship" (I use relationship loosely, because it was always difficult to connect with her emotionally), it was not soon enough. I would have appreciated knowing earlier so that I could have been prepared for this kind of behavior and get out before being hurt and confused. The irony here is that the Asperger online community (or "high function autism" community) has become a group of militant activists who claim that they are superior to the rest of us, claim that they deserve special treatment because they have a disability, and claim they don't intend to hurt anyone. Although I have some compassion for their situation, I also don't think they are being completely honest. In my experience, "aspies" are smart enough to know what they're doing, and they're smart enough to realize that they are often willfully hiding something from us, something that will cause us hurt. And they do it anyway, because of their own selfish needs to not be alone. Well, I'm sorry if they are alone because they lack empathy and social skills, but it's not my job to fix that problem for them. Don't give them a pass, just recognize the disorder if you can and run in the other direction as fast as possible, before it consumes you and causes you to question your sanity. I'm still recovering.

I read the final step of SALVE for neurotypicals on the FAAAS website and these 2 quotes stood out: "No therapy, couple counselling, pill, diet or to-do-list can unwire an autistic brain and thereby delete the autistic impacts in an NT-AS relationship." "Lorna Wing, a pioneer in the field of understanding autism spectrum disorder, made it clear: There are basically only two options for the NT spouse of a person with Asperger /high functioning autism. Either accept the AS/Hfa partner as he/she is; or terminate the relationship."

I am lost. I am so lost in my life that I actually feels like it's not worth living as I don't know how to find my way again. I read this quote this morning … “Do not minimize the extent of my having been changed from a vivacious, sensual, happy, loving, athletic, healthy, wealthy, bright, articulate, fairly socially adept human to being melded and molded (sic) to accommodate an autistic adult into exactly the opposite of who I am for the sake of a one-sided relationship.” … and I just burst into tears. I feel so different to how I know I used to be. I am suffocated, I have for some ungodly reason been suppressed and moulded to my husband’s ‘funny’ ways. I can’t believe how much I have changed but why has this happened? When I met my husband of 11 years, I had been in several relationships before and thought I knew what I wanted. In fact, I had a list of pre-requisites. Why then did I get hooked up with a man who ticked very few of those boxes? Some of my previous relationships had been unsuitable in some way or another and a big factor in finding a new partner for me was to find someone who was intelligent, financially independent and preferably with no acrimonious ex-wives or children to have to deal with. My husband was just about to turn 40, had never been married, had a well-paid job and seemed pretty independent. If I am honest with myself, deep, deep down I had reservations right from the start but well, I just find it very hard to explain. He smoked and drank a fair bit, had lots of tattoos and was not a fashionable dresser. We had a common interest in music – which I subsequently see that is also a marker. He seemed very cool (as in distant, as opposed to hip/trendy), seemed like a gentleman and was willing to make the effort (he lived 60 miles away from me and seemed happy to keep driving over to mine). I also have a pre-programmed wire inside me that insists that I make everyone I meet feel comfortable. Little did I realise that by doing that, I was actually feeding what I now realise to be Asperger’s. I see now on reading these articles that a man with Asperger’s will mistake that interest as love/or a relationship and of course in those first few months, he did do the normal things any normal person would do. He seemed to show interest, he shared stories about his family, we went to dinner, I was wined and dined. And classically, he is an engineer. His job took him away from home for weeks at a time but when he wasn’t working he was home 100% of the time. This arrangement suited me at the time as I was a professional with a good job, a single mum to boot and very independent. I was in a peculiar situation in my own life at that very point in time, a crossroads if you like. I had intentions of giving up my well-paid job of 28 years to help out with a terminally ill family member but at this time of dating my would-be husband, the family member died. I had left work, so had no income and my direction had totally changed, I let myself drift into a deeper relationship and moved in with my husband in his home town – even though I had left a beautiful, modern town house and moved in to his ex-council house which was very poorly furnished and seemed like a bachelor pad. Did I take this on as a job, to change the house, to change my partner, to keep trying my hardest to please him? I think so. My daughter was 12 years old when this was happening and I had high hopes of my new man becoming more of a father figure. Someone to help me out a bit, help with homework and have a normal relationship with my daughter, take her swimming or to the cinema (none of those things ever happened.) It pains me hugely to think of this now as I feel I ruined my daughter’s teen years. They never bonded nor even got on. My husband (I will call him MH for my husband) had nothing to do with her. I don’t mean in a very obvious way, it was more subtle; never coming to school parents night’s, never showing any interest with anything to do with her, not communicating with her, I mean literally barely talking – my daughter and I were both desperate for attention. He would be most obsessed on how untidy her bedroom was, or how she was untidy around the house. He NEVER EVER gave her ANY praise for anything, only to whinge about her untidiness. When her school friends would come round for dinner, we’d sit around the dinner table chattering about the day/school, I mean myself, my daughter and her friends. MH would be silent and not join in at all. The atmosphere would always be uncomfortable so we learned to just have her friends around and do fun stuff when my husband was away at work. Not realising about Asperger’s back then, I’d just keep trying to do bigger, more outrageous things to get a reaction out of MH. Any reaction. He seemed without emotion. Buying bigger and bigger presents: I bought him a brand-new motorbike to see if I could make him jump for joy one year and was sorely disappointed. Our sex life, which had started out ‘okay’, I mean just ok not brilliant just went downhill. I had always been very open about sex and everything to do with it but had slowly found over time that MH not only did not want to talk about it, he seemed to have no sex drive. No warmth, nor physical affection. It was almost as if he did not know how to flirt, how to be sexy, how to give compliments, how to be around a woman. He would be EXTREMELY uncomfortable if I tried to explain or show him what I liked, what worked for me, he simply did not want to know and was very rude to me if I tried to talk to him; he said it was too clinical to talk about. Or he’d just walk away when we were in the middle of it as he said he felt I had put him on the spot to perform. So, I couldn’t show him, I couldn’t talk to him – how exactly was I to communicate what I liked? One time, in the early days, he went down on me but was too forceful, it was painful and when I said so, he really took exception, was super offended and said when he’d done the same thing for a previous girlfriend she had liked it. Needless to say, that was the end of that type of foreplay. He only ever preferred sex in the morning, in bed. No other options. No spontaneity. So, again rather than be rejected time and again, I gave up instigating sex, so now we just do it when MH wants. Usually same time, same place, same position, same movements, like line dancing; same moves every time. If he climaxes before me, he’ll roll off and that’s the end of that. If I say I need to be satisfied, he does nothing. There’s no touching, no talking so I end up feeling so uncomfortable I end up not bothering. I felt depressed. I thought it was the house we lived in. We had a neighbour-from-hell next door which I couldn’t do much about and our house was a dowdy colour of brown, at least this was something we could change. I asked again and again if we could move house or at the very least, paint it but MH was happy in that house. He had picked it and it was as much part of his routine as breathing. To surprise him while he was away at work I decided to do paint it myself. I bought the brushes and exterior paint and hired a scaffold – when the lorry arrived with the scaffold the guy asked who was going to help him unload the scaffold poles and erect the scaffold and was floored when I replied ‘just me’. He took pity on me and although he was not allowed to, he helped me put the scaffold up and I then spent the next 6 weeks clambering up and down the damned thing painting the whole exterior of the house with a 4” paintbrush (in between doing my new job and being a mum). It was really difficult, hard work. I had to clamber up and down the scaffold and had to keep moving the scaffold into position around the house and then back again to do a second coat. I was covered in bruises and ached from head to foot but was enormously proud and happy that I had managed single-handedly to complete the task and now the house gleamed in a new brighter shade of magnolia. I couldn’t wait for MH to arrive back from work to admire my handy work. (He had been away for 10 weeks and the house was gleaming, it was immediately obvious as soon as you turned the corner into our street – it looked like a new house). His car rolled onto the drive, he jumped out, gave me a tiny unfeeling hug and said ‘hi, allright’… no more. He made no comment on the house. I was crushed. As went indoors, I said “well? Is that it, just Hi.” He turned very moody instantly and snapped “give me a chance to get in the door, for goodness sake”. He has yet to acknowledge my superhuman feat. I can’t remember if it was that occasion or another when he came home (away at sea again for 10 weeks – I’m thinking we will be falling onto the welcome mat at the door for a passionate session but I had been told off previously for jumping on him when he got back – he’d say he had been travelling for hours and needed time to rest!!) - I had parked my car diagonally across the drive and not left enough space for his car (he had been travelling for a couple of days and I had no idea when he was arriving). He harboured that grudge for 5 years before he brought it up in an argument!!!!!! That’s because our biggest problem is communication. There simply is none. I have read self-help books and tried everything I can think of to try to communicate with him but none of the tricks in the psychology books or self-help books have worked. And routine. Oh, the routine. The same food on the same nights of the week. AAArrgh. It drives me nuts. He drinks too much, watches tv and like to play solitaire on the computer. ‘Hey hon,’ I say ‘Want to play scrabble?’ ‘No’ he says…then 5 minutes later he is playing solitaire. He would rather do that than interact with me, how hurtful is that? And the funny part, he doesn’t think that. Even when I have pointed it out. He just doesn’t get it. Why do I stay? I have invested 12 years of my life in MH. I am now almost of retiring age, if I leave now, my financial future is in ruins. I’m also a very loyal person and marriage felt like it ought to be for life, they were promises. MH never gets angry. He never shouts. We don’t argue (because he just COMPLETELY CLAMS UP, so I end up arguing with the wall). He puts food on the table and pays all the bills. He is polite and courteous. I’d like to say articulate but the only subject he will wax lyrical over is his job, when he will bore anyone to death with minutiae details to the Nth degree. I feel like a paid housekeeper. If I leave I will have to start all over and I just feel tired to the bone, tired of living and so, so alone. I think because of MH we don’t have many friends, he usually doesn’t like or gel when any of my friends, or is either boring or bores them talking about his work, or comes out with something inappropriate so I have become hermit-like myself and unsure of how to make new friends anymore. I feel like MH’s weirdness is rubbing off on me and I am becoming more like him. It scares me silly. I want to be free but I want him to be more like the person I thought I was hooking up with when we met. If I leave now, it’s 12 years down the drain and my daughters’ formative teenage years ruined. As soon as she finished uni, she left to live on the far side of the world from me in Japan. Probably subconsciously to get away from our uncommunicative life. She now has a huge social circle and lots of really close friends in total contrast to our deathly quiet home life. I miss her so badly. My family are all in another country. I feel so alone. I tried to tell my sister how things were not good at home but she snapped at me that at least I have a husband and he is a great provider. Because I have retreated from everyone, I have no direction. At least MH is a pillar of rigid boring stability…if I cast off then I would be totally adrift. I am frozen with indecision. Facilitator’s note: The indecision and confusion are part of Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome (OTRS). Add to that Cassandra Phenomenon where no-one who could validate your feelings believes you and then it’s a terrible mess for the rest of our lives. We lose our sense of who we are and what we want. It is brainwashing. They subtly manipulate and mould their neurotypical “carers” to suit their own needs. There is hope, if you learn all you can about AS and how it affects us. Gradually you will learn to emotionally disconnect from them and their confusing, controlling ways. It takes a long time to be able to do that. Please remember this is not your fault. You did nothing to encourage any of this pain. You were selected and groomed by an expert who camouflaged his real difficulties until he had caught you, then he manipulated and bullied you to change everything to the way he wanted his life to be. This is the autistic psychopathy Hans Asperger described, which is hardly ever talked about.

Reading these is so validating, thank you all. I wish I could connect with some of you! I'm so exhausted, I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up. I've pretty much screwed myself over completely by getting married to this guy, who by the way occasionally can be one of the sweetest, funniest, most hardworking people I know, ironically. He's from another culture and language background than I am, and combine that with his being undiagnosed and keeping up his 'mask' while we were dating, well, he got me. Realizing that I've wasted years of my life with someone who is emotionally, physically, and intellectually unfulfilling for me...and not having any of my friends who understand... Really starved for deep conversation, sick of his unsanitary ways, tired of tip-toeing so he won't feel attacked, and tired of letting him always have his own way, tired of him putting his job and special interests ahead of me at every turn and then being confused at my lack of enthusiasm and energy. Months after his diagnosis I am happy to finally know I'm not insane, and to know the source of my depression, BUT I'm still married to the source of my depression. The night of the honeymoon was the only time we had sex without me initiating it. Before his diagnosis I'd have to work hard to interest him, and since (as I now know) he wasn't feeling the same desire I was, it took so much coaxing and stimulation for him to get into the moment, and that moment was really brief and unfulfilling. I thought he didn't find me attractive, and even once thought he must have been secretly having an affair. He was -- with porn. Post-diagnosis, I almost wish we never found out, because now it's clear that I'm with someone who has not developed mentally past age 5. So, I'd rather be celibate, because giving these how-to instructions in bed, to someone who is not really amorous but just humoring me, feels almost sick. I can't rightly tell him this, though, and now I suspect he is getting confused because his counselors have told him to show his wife more affection! He's kicked the porn at least. We're both from a religious community where divorce is only entertained if certain serious circumstances exist. Same for suicide; it's just not an option, though God help me, I think about it very seriously at least once per month. Right now, I'm pretty broke but I'm trying to teach myself web design/programming so I can be independent, get my own car and travel again like I used to. But sometimes I spend the whole day sleeping or web-surfing, instead of studying. I saw a lovely therapist for a bit but I could tell she was on Team Divorce. I try to take some natural anti-stress supplements. I try to talk with my mom but she has no idea. If you are dating someone with AS or suspect they are AS, please, please get out. Do not marry them; I mean, regular marriage is hard enough without the extra layers of stress and confusion.

I have been in hell for nearly four years. I am controlled, bullied, humiliated; my very sanity is in question sometimes and I'm scared to be me. I have had everything about me that I loved and enjoyed systematically stripped away through passive aggressive manipulation and a stifling, overbearing regime of manipulation and unbearable histrionics if I don't comply. I am kept awake when I'm exhausted because she wants to talk (endlessly complain) but if I want to discuss anything, it's shut down like I'm dealing with a child. I've been told to sit down while I'm berated and have been physically attacked for trying to leaver the room. The little free time I have is regimented and usually has to fit in with her wishes. I love being at work because I'm shown some respect and kindness. I dread the weekends. The endless boring monologues complaining and rambling self obsessed, dry lectures. I'm given chores to do that she can't be bothered (pretty much everything that isn't one of her obsessions) with and then criticised from the sofa at every step. The slightest request is met with anger and irrational venom and then I'm told that it's my fault. She'll stare at her 'phone for hours and then explode if I look at mine for a few seconds, demanding to know what I'm looking at or berating me for not paying her attention. Day in. Day out. I've been isolated from my family who she doesn't like and have no friends any more. I have no personal time or space. I'm constantly trying to prevent the next explosion over nothing and I'm so tired. She sits at home all day and does nothing and then mocks me for being tired when I come home from work and sigh about having to clean up. If it wasn't for the baby we have I'd run so far and so quickly. If anyone out there is able to escape do it now. It only gets worse. Imagine a hand around your throat that tightens a tiny bit every single day. Imagine no joy or sense of self. That's how it will be.

Wow, I just started to discover "Aspies" tonight and it is saving my sanity. I was googling Abusive Relationships and after many helpful and interesting links I ended up here. Thank goodness, I feel a lot of relief and a ton of self-invalidation has been lifted off my shoulders. It's hard to be a man with an abusive wife. I see lots of women here talking about their husbands, and very few men. It might be that we men are a bit ashamed about tolerating this kind of humiliation from a woman. My wife and I seemed so happy for the first few years, and even though she was always a bit "different" I found her quirkyness fascinating and cute. She told me early on that she didn't understand other people very well, and that she had no ability to be diplomatic, but at that time she treated me wonderfully so I just listened and was curious about her stories. The one thing that bothered me in the beginning was that she seemed a bit shallow, even though she was quite intelligent. She didn't like to go into much detail about things and didn't like me to ask too many questions. She would say a sentence or two about something and that was enough for her, maybe a little more if it was really important to her, but it was always brief and to the point. But I love to talk and really go into the details about things, so I think she was just being polite to me in the beginning by listening to me when I wanted to talk, but eventually she stopped tolerating more than a few sentences from me. And if she said something I didn't understand, I was allowed one, maybe two, questions and if I didn't get it by then her anger would appear. It's now gotten so bad that I'm afraid to say anything, I can never predict what it is she'll react to, and she refuses to tell me what is going on; I don't know if she doesn't want to tell me or if she doesn't even know, but I suspect it's the latter. It was especially nice for me to read another person talk about how his Aspie wife would explode with anger when he said something emotional - that's exactly what happens all the time with me too, but I didn't get the connection - for me it was just a bizarre reaction. She says I am too emotional, which is super weird because no one in my life has ever said that about me! If anything, as a man, I probably could afford to learn to show more feelings not less! But with a wife like this it was making my head spin and thinking I was crazy. I've been taking her criticisms too much to heart and it has been almost making me ill. She constantly complains now about everything and it's like walking on eggs around her. I realize from what I read in the last few hours, that it's true that she thinks that everything she thinks is right, and if I accidentally do or say anything that she doesn't agree with she has to immediately attack. Everything is always my fault and there is no discussion allowed. Thanks for all of you who have shared your stories, it helps us keep our sanity to know we are not alone. I feel a bit bad because I know that she does not know any better. I think that's why many of us try to make it work, and so I can't judge either those who try to hang in there or those who finally give up and try to reassemble their lives and find some peace and happiness.

After 2 and a half years my Asperger boyfriend just shut down & has frozen me out. On our last date he snapped at me once again for daring to question it wasn’t so cold outside as he thought(?) I finally ventured to say I think you have Asperger traits but it seemed to go over his head. Later in the eve I decided to go home and not stay with him as I sensed he was on overload & irritable & needed his rest. Well after that all our dates fell through & he slowly started ignoring my texts. As it was we had a holiday booked a few weeks away & still nothing from his camp. After 3 weeks I drove over to his house & it was as though he had flipped a switch and I was now dead to him. Told me the relationship wasn’t working for him, when I asked why he said I was was very self centred , that I overrode his opinion on the weather, when I said is that all? He said he’d been thinking about things & it’s not working for him. When I mentioned the holiday he insinuated I had invited myself (huh?) what can I say, I was in shock but truly believe he did not want to fess up to his issues. Frankly I’m relieved as I was not getting my needs met, never a compliment, no words of love & all his other relationships fell apart which of course he blamed on the ladies. He was so kind & attentive in the beginning but then the mask slipped. Just shocking how cold he became when he wrote me off.

I spent 6 months in a relationship with someone undiagnosed with Aspergers. It took me at least another 6 months to work it all out and finally put the pieces together. On the outside, my ex was a person who seemed quite 'altogether' - good looking, sporty, ambitious and charming. However, in the end I realised he was incredibly good at masking the fragile self who was plagued with low self esteem, OCD, anxiety and depression. In our relationship, there was poor communication, poor conflict resolution and intimacy issues. I am so grateful and thankful to have walked away but I feel sorry for any future partners who are yet to experience the confusion and unhappiness of dating someone like him and will be left not understanding what went wrong...

The neurotypical can come to believe they deserve to be ignored. They develop coping mechanisms similar to psychic numbing, where their own feelings become invisible to them. They develop a “tough cookie, no fear” exterior to get past their feelings of loss and grief for their circumstances. Few researchers have honestly looked at the trauma suffered by neurotypicals who are subjected to constant disregard by their Asperger family members. The result of this disregard is what could be called invisibility. The daily trauma of being invisible to an Asperger parent or partner who holds the neurotypical emotional hostage in his or her own home can best be described as ongoing traumatic relationship syndrome (OTRS).

To all the people who so generously sent testimonials to date we want to let you know we had problems with the website and sadly have lost some of them. The timeline of posting from 2011 has also been lost. This won't prevent us posting your testimonials in the future. Thank you most sincerely for your support.

I appreciate everything I have read here! I am in the 6th year after a divorce from a husband, who I am sure has undiagnosed Aspergers. Our 17 year old twins daughters, have one who is extremely gifted, and the other who has mild or high functioning Autism. I am still trying to recover a sense of self, or some hope or interest in dating again. Very scared am I, but I have at least met two men who are kind and well related. My former husband is an electrical engineer, who is probably a genius, but was often very unkind to me, usually with little to no empathy for me or my life. The relationship had become abusive, with me running after him trying to get crumbs of kindness or attention or empathy.

I just wanted to pass on a sincere thank you for the article: Emotional Detachment: Surviving Ongoing Abusive Relationships.This is so very helpful to me at the moment and I am grateful to have stumbled across it.

"Mommy" is tired of answering questions. But I don't have any actual kids in my home. I have a husband with autism. No, I don't know what that thing on the carpet is. No, I don't know what that paper in the front yard is. I wish you could get out of your recliner and go look since I'm making dinner with a headache and three weeks of heart palpitations. I'm tired of being grilled for the most basic information that other people just intuit from normal interactions. You're locked out of your online bank account because I screwed up on the password a bunch of times because I didn't know you'd changed it. Oh, but 1,600 questions later, you're sort of understanding the situation. 'Did you actually mean 1,600 questions, because I only asked three questions and how is that "grilling?"' Mommy needs a break.

I unknowingly married an Aspie after a period of being his special interest. Like everyone else has said, once the mask falls all you are left with is a special needs caretaking role. Like all of you I lived with the disgusting unsanitary habits, lack of hygiene, explosive anger, mistrust, constant accusations, rules, control, social gaffes, meltdowns, dishonesty...he admitted to his ASD and to having oppositional defiant disorder; but always denied that his disorders had any affect on me whatsoever. EVERYTHING was my fault or my children's fault- his kids were absolutely perfect and above reproach in any way. Blame was assigned for the smallest things- someone always had to be wrong. Everything out of his mouth was critical and angry. I too had a cancer scare and did I receive one bit of loving support? NO. Instead he had a three day meltdown and refused to speak to me or stay in a room with me- called me an aldulterer because a male doctor had seen the lump in my breast. He truly thought he owned me. If I was five minutes "late" home from the store I would get an angry phone call accusing me of using the trip as an excuse to meet another man. I was expected to report ANY words I exchanged with any other male to him immediately. If I ever failed say that so and so had spoken to me and he found out later, there was hell to pay. It was "proof" I was untrustworthy and I would have to "earn" his trust and my freedom again. All in all four separate marriage counselors strongly advised me to leave him. Finally I did, but not soon enough. My advice is if you can leave- just do it It will not get better. Ever. Stop wasting your time on delusions that they will change. They will change- but not for the better. Save yourself. No matter what the cost, it is worth it. I sleep on the floor, I eat from the food pantry. But I am free. It's taken me a long time to process the damage this has done, and will take me a life time to undo. Meanwhile despite his tears, begging, proclamations that he will never love anyone else, that I have broken him, that he would take a bullet for me, he moved on immediately. Was sleeping around before I even moved out. I was completely interchangeable with the next woman he could hitch himself to. Two weeks after I left he had introduced his whole family to the new "love of his life." You have value, you matter. You deserve so much more than a life taking the abuse an Aspie will throw at you. Especially when in the end they simply do NOT care about you as an individual at all!!

Glad I've found this site or more terrified than ever. I have sobbed as I've read. I have an HFA husband who is deeply depressed and who has declined over the years, and a young HFA son. Feeling death by 1000 cuts. Devastated that this will be my only son's future. I haven't given up, but I think about it and pray for strength. What on earth to do. Haven't found any local support for neurotypical spouses.

I'm finally starting to believe that it's not me regardless of what my spouse or others say. This is a strange relationship that requires me to see two counselors and take antidepressants just to remain in the relationship. It's a strange world where a counselor can make a living from dealing with my situation for one hour per week while I deal 24/7 and receive no compensation whatsoever. No financial, emotional, physical, or satisfying relational reimbursement. Conversely, I've lost so much emotionally, physically, and relationally that I don't know if full recovery is possible.

I met him when I was 20. He was my first Caucasian friend so I attributed a lot of misunderstandings to cultural differences. Fast-forward to 8 years later, we decided to date. He was somewhat normal initially, despite some arguments in the first few weeks of us dating. I learnt later on that he was told he might suffer from Asperger's and he promised to seek professional help. He never did. I brought it up a few times but financial limitations was always his excuse. We dated long distance before living together. It was years and years of nightmares living with an Aspie. Almost everything I said would be misunderstood and I would truly struggle to understand his point of view. He would assertively accused me of not listening. He was so certain I was the wrong one, the one to be blamed. He would get into drinking rampage and throwing tantrum in public. He would break things in the apartment. He often complained of oversensitive area of his skin and overly loud noise so I often couldn't hear his speech because it would be too soft and he would criticise me for shouting. I am aware that I am a little bit hearing impaired so I often attributed that to my problem. After another 8 years of struggles, I now have come to the acceptance that this Aspie is not my burden to shoulder. I cannot speak for all Aspies, but the one I lived with truly came off as being extremely selfish, cold-blooded and heartless. He would behave the same way to his own family such as his mother but his mother allows it because he is her Saint. Every now and then when he bothered, he would put in the effort to be sweet, kind and considerate, but that never lasts because it was too effortful. The lashing out and mercurial temperaments were the hardest to deal with. The constant accusations that it was my problem made me doubt my own sufferings that I succumbed to a relapse of clinical depression. Communication road blocks is the single biggest challenge in this relationship. I still have a lot of self doubt due to the traumas of being in an intimate relationship with this man. When I finally met his family, I found out from their oral accounts of his childhood and realised he had always been 'odd' but intelligent. His childhood friend confirmed that and had advised me to move on. His best friend consoled me by saying, "At the very least, he won't cheat." What I wanted to add here is that your suffering and pain are valid. Aspies have a way albeit unintentionally to make you lose all self worth, self esteem, self respect, and your sanity. Living with an Aspie is truly a nightmare. On my part, I am most grateful to a few of our mutual friends who courageously spoke out truthfully to me. One mentioned that his treatment of me was akin to domestic abuse. Another mentioned that our group of friends had been whispering about him having a normal girlfriend. One honestly confessed that it was extremely frustrating to communicate with him. For these people, I am forever indebted to. Thus, I am speaking out. Hopefully any of you reading who are considering being intimate with an Aspie will make an informed decision.

I'm a psychologist and cannot believe I missed the signs that he has Asperger's. All of the signs were there: stimming, repetitive behaviors, rigid adherence to routines, overly intense eye contact, odd beliefs about social interactions, lack of empathy, etc. He was amazing while we were dating, but the second we became engaged, it all came flooding out. We would fight constantly. His rage was unbelievable, and it would take him days to weeks to calm down. During one of his rages, I would get 100s of text and emails telling how horrible I am and how it is all my fault. It was always over something he thought I was saying as a slight to him or something that violated his precious rules. He became verbally abusive, would accuse me of all manner of things, tell me I was being irrational if I got upset, and made everything about him. He would ask me about my feelings, and then immediately invalidate them and take them on as his own. If I said that I felt betrayed, he would tell me why I couldn't possibly feel that way and that it was he who felt betrayed. Then that's all I would hear about for the next week...how I betrayed him by saying I felt betrayed. We went to therapy, and I specifically chose a psychologist with strong relationship therapy skills. The psychologist told him that I was the one being verbally abusive!! Apparently me saying "what if I said this to you...how would that make you feel?" was me being abusive. After a year of this I asked myself what was happening. I'm a psychologist! I can communicate effectively with anyone and problem solve with the best of them. Why couldn't I just get through to him or meet his standards? It was while I was doing a training on testing for Autism for my coworkers that it hit me that he has Asperger's. I ran it by him, and after doing some research, he amazingly said that he agreed that the diagnosis fit. After another major fight, he went back to the see our old therapist. The therapist told him that the "emotional outbursts" and difficulty with communication between he and I was not due to his high functioning Autism but because I clearly have Borderline Personality Disorder!!! My hope that he would finally get some help in recognizing that he verbally abuses me and that I'm having emotional breakdowns as a result was thrown out the window. This quack of a psychologist dismissed all of his Autism symptoms, excused them away and slapped a diagnosis on me instead. Never mind that I've never had any difficulties like this in past relationships and have friendships with people Ive known since I was 3 years old. Never mind that I've always been described as the "unemotional one" or the "rational one" or the "guys girl" because I think more like a male. I tried to stick in there and at one point even considered that maybe he was right. Maybe it is me who has the problem. Thankfully, I work with a large team of psychologists who pointed out all of the flaws in that guy's diagnostic abilities. I finally left the relationship, but that didn't stop my now former fiancé from threatening to kill me. He threatened to shoot me but then said that wouldn't be as satisfying as strangling me. Of course, he couldn't understand why that made me soon upset and "irrational." But he then told his therapist that I was the one who threatened to kill him and that I'm suicidal!! The lies and manipulation are unbelievable. And there are many people who believe him. He has managed to make me look like the unstable one! I wish I had never met him. I'm still in love with the man he pretended to be in the beginning, and I have to remind myself every day of who he really is. I hate to say it, but my own profession failed me. We are ridiculously inept at understanding what it is really like to be in a relationship with someone with high functioning Autism. Part of me wants to change this, but the other part of me wants to run as far away from all things Autism as possible.

Do I have a right to call myself a NT spouse because the $1000.00 psychological work-up said he has many "behaviors consistent with someone who has AS." However because he didn't demonstrate any tics and could make eye contact during the evaluation, there was no diagnosis of AS. I am so frustrated, angry, lonely and at the end of my rope. He tics like a clock at home and makes overly intense eye contact with me or none at all. But at 46 years old he plays this game with the best of them. Various people don't believe me. "He sounds depressed." "Just play some music and get in touch with spiritual things." No! This is a four-alarm fire! I need the whole fire brigade. And to the person who posted about just being diagnosed with cancer September 6th. I'm so sorry about this scary event. And so sorry about your husband's outrageous response.

Here is a slice of my life with my ASD husband. I am told I have breast cancer by the doctor over the phone. During the conversation I text my H with the news. I hang up just as my ASH walks into the house. I am utterly devastated as you can imagine. He's furious. I forgot to unlock the garage for him and he had to walk to the front door. I tell him through my sobbing that it's been an awful day and I forgot. He yells, "Well then, keep the garage unlocked until you feel better!" I cry out that I just found out I have cancer! "Agh!" he barks back, "It's not such a big deal!" He remains angry for two hours about the garage. What was that really all about? His conclusion that my forgetting was an insult to HIM. It has been hard to recognize the disorder because Aspies can imitate NT's so well and appear very normal. There needs to be more societal education about this profound but often hidden disability so that people don't unknowingly have to go through this hell. I read about how Aspies have too much feeling, too much empathy. That is such nonsense. They may think empathy, but do not feel it. They may think feelings but do not truly feel them. The experts need to get real. The emotions of those with ASD are more like SPONTANEOUS REACTIONS, Like screaming when startled, laughing at a joke, or their outbursts of reactive anger, but no reflective emotion is there. The emotions of ASD are NOT REFLECTIVE, NOT INTEGRATED into or connected to an internal emotional landscape. For there is no internality to be grasped, or that even develops into an adult ego. ASD is a profound emotional deficit so that feelings are fleeting, fragmented and superficial and where any introspective capacity is extremely impoverished. There is no internal, felt sense of an emotion. What a disaster for a marriage. They should marry each other.

I am sure I am preaching to the choir when I say this but I would like to share a personal revelation that I had recently which has been very helpful. All along the way the problems with my husband who has Aspergers has had me seeking solutions, a cure, a corrective action that would fix this impasse which has caused me so much pain and profound despair. All of a sudden I truly understood what it must feel like to have a handicapped child ,one you would do anything for to make them better.Only a handicap is just that,something that is ONGOING not cureable. I forgot about the ONGOING part of this condition.Somewhere in my subconscious I must have thought, stubbornly I might add that the solution was out there .I only had to try harder. Remembering that it is beyond my ability every single day going forward to change this neurological difference has put the emphasis back on me and self care.Wishing you all the best as we move forward.

I just found this site. So many others seem to have tried everything, and after 20 years are at the end of their ropes or getting out. I just reached 20. I looked at the chart and saw the clear picture as my picture of an ordinary person expecting ordinary behavior from someone who is quite unordinary. It's a relief to think of myself as some kind of weird object to him. Or buffer. I can stop expecting any kind of human behavior from him, while still giving him a decent amount of respect -- and distance. I suppose my AS-behavior spouse can't change too much, but I can do everything I can to make my situation better, and to teach my daughter to insulate herself from his odd behaviors. I tried to get out of the situation once, and he refused. I understand now I'm a necessary object to him. Probably if I try to get out again, it'll be messy. I'm thinking about how to handle this the next time.

I've just read the book, and for the first time realised that if I am borderline emotionally it is a response to 30 years with my husband. I hate weekends and holidays, hate waiting for the next crisis, hate the thought of being alone with him when the kids leave. He acts like he hates me, then tells me I'm the only one. I want to find hope for the future, but it may not be together, because I don't feel that we ever have been together. I pray I have not damaged my kids. I feel like I have lost myself. Thank you all for sharing your stories, and please keep doing the research

I have been living with my undiagnosed aspie husband for a quarter of a century! For many years I worked with young children with ASD and in a cruel twist of fate my first born was diagnosed with severe autism. Yet I never saw clearly the truth about my own marriage because the daily trauma I suffered at the hands of my husband didn't allow me to think straight for even a moment. I have been blamed, lied to, screamed at, had objects thrown at me, pushed, kicked, slapped, threatened, intimidated, manipulated, bullied, abandoned, neglected, refused any personal space, denied every possible basic human need and then called selfish and demanding. I have been wished dead, isolated, humiliated, laughed at when crying and evicted from my home when unbeknownst to me, my husband found compulsive gambling to be the answer to all his issues. And not another living sole has seen any of it to give support to my claims. I have climbed out of pits of despair and loneliness, black holes of depression and found a steely resolve and iron will that I never dreamed I had in me. I have used every NT trait to my advantage and refused to be destroyed. I will cry no more over what I have dubbed 'the emotional cripple'. If he was paralysed, I would not keep pushing the wheelchair while he reached around every hour to slap my face (no matter what vows I made on my wedding day). I was deceived by a skilled actor who pretended to be someone he wasn't when we met and I have paid an astronomical emotional and psychological price. I have been a slave to my own empathy for decades because of this disorder. It may be hard to believe but I am not bitter, resentful or angry (anymore). I have justified, concealed, advocated for, protected, mothered, begged, assisted and enabled this man at my own expense for far too long. I cant save the drowning man who can't swim when he keeps pulling me under too.

What an incredible relief to read all of your testimonials! Thank you for sharing your stories, you give validation to my feelings. have been desperately lonely throughout my 23 year marriage. Everyone thinks he's the perfect husband because when he's with others, he "interviews" them. He asks dozens of questions about them and never talks about himself. People take it for caring but it's not. It's just the way that he's learned to get along with people. When I tried to develop a support system so that I could get the strength to leave him, he called everyone to get them on his side. He called my friends and family and convinced everyone that I was crazy to want to leave. He even called my therapist and tried to get her on his side. In the end I gave up. Now, I'm almost 50 and I have a pretty short amount of time left on this planet. I don't want to spend the rest of my life controlled, manipulated, lonely and neglected, but I know that breaking up the family will be hard on everyone and that he will be ruthless if I divorce him.

I have been married to an undiagnosed Aspie for 28 years. Before we were married I was a happy, outgoing motivated goal setter. I started off our marriage optimistic for a wonderful future together but at each turn my husband would put me down for my enthusiasm and happy disposition. I worked hard at my career, in the home and rearing two children and he let me!! Doing the very least he could. To every question I ever asked his reply was always a NO! Eventually I entered into an angry stage for a few years then onto a bargaining phase where I blamed myself and went to relationship counselling 3 times by myself and a further 2 times with husband, not that it made any difference nor did the expensive relationship seminars I attended. I then went onto a phase of depression that has lasted 10 years. I have recently another 18 months of counselling. Why have I not left? I believed it would break up the family. Having known me as a fun loving positive Mum my grown up children believe I have become an irrational, over reactive drama queen. Their father in comparison seems a calm logical rational person and that is how he likes it. Now he sits back whilst my children do the criticizing and laps it up. In front of them he pretends he is completely competent but in reality it is only because every decision that has ever needed to be made I have been forced to make. He has effectively made me his substitute mother. He has seen me seriously ill, crying and distressed, asking for a divorce and not a flicker of emotion has passed his face. The loneliness envelopes me on a daily basis and it is hard to keep going. I have contemplated suicide a number of times as I cannot see a future where I am not stressed out and deeply sad. The worst thing is that my children cannot support me as they do not see what is really occurring but then I cant blame them as I only just realised what was happening myself.

The Effects of Differing Developmental Milestones chart is brilliant. It describes exactly why there's no connect in my marriage. His developmental immaturity precisely describes why I feel like his mother. I know he believes I am his mother. The title makes it really clear what the chart is about: Effects of Differing Developmental Levels on NT/ASD Adult Relationships. Loved the book "No Team Player" To see the truth of what a struggle it is was enlightening.

With my husband 20 years, married 15. I always thought it strange that he showed no emotion towards me, or empathy for others. I blamed tbe fact that he had been dragged up, by a alcoholic father after his mum died when he was 11. I felt his father never showed any interest in him, and subsequently my husband seems oblivious of social etiquette and boundaries. For years I made these excuses, but still begged him to get help. He would not talk to me, I felt he might talk to somebody else, his reply.....what good will talking do. My husband does not communicate how he feels, and our marriage has been in decline for at least 10 out of 15 years. I would be out for an evening and come home and my husband is masturbating in front of a porn channel, I walk in and he just grinned at me, like a bold child. I would vent my frustration, tell him I feel he has no interest in intimacy with me, and he would just switch out. No response, no reaction - just a blank expression. I would then leave his bed, thinking that he will have to make an effort and come to me................never happened. He never sought me out, he never apologised. This behaviour just made me feel totally ugly and unwanted. Domestically he is a disaster, cannot close presses, cannot put anything back where it belongs, if I put something back where it belongs, I am accused of hiding it. One day he drove his truck through our gates, there were 4 of us in the garden, he caught the side of the truck in the pier of the gate, damaged the passenger door, parked up, and when we told him what he had done he denied hitting the pier...........regardless of the massive dent in the door, the scraped paint, and the fact that 4 of us saw the incident. He is never wrong, and absolutely never apologises. Years ago, before we were even married he sent me a birthday card - from the man who cannot say sorry! He is self employed and has 8 staff, one guy once said to me that, he was a great person to have a row with, because he does not carry it forward, I now realise this is because he just files it away, forgotten, never to be mentioned again. He is obsessed with his work, to the detriment of all else, and does not seem to get any thrill from anything but work, I once asked him what excites him, and he told me that getting new jobs excites him. We have no children, my husband has no understanding of how procreation works, and told me a few years ago he had no idea how 'children were made', anything he knows about sex has been learned from porn magazines. Weekdays, he comes in from work, eats dinner and falls asleep, he falls asleep in company, in other peoples houses, watching exciting matches on TV, nothing holds his attention bar work. All of this I found extremely frustrating but again, I loved him, and used his miserable childhool as an excuse. Last year I was involved in a local festival and was very busy for a week or 2, this upset him, and he was acting very strange. I discovered texts on his phone from a woman, and it was obvious there was something going on. Then suddenly, no texts, so I knew something had changed, when confronted he looked at me as if I was mad. I then discovered he had bought another phone, I found it, and there were loads of messages. It was a full blown affair. Again I confronted him, cried, pleaded, but got no admission or explanation. He eventually saw sense and the affair finised after 6 weeks, he apologised, wanted to make our marriage work, filed the affair away, and continued to be switched off and uncommunicative. He agreed to go to counselling, but was unaware he had to participate, and would not go to the third session, his argument, what good was a shrink going to do. I am at my wits end, I have asked him to leave repeatedly, he keeps coming home, nothing ever gets better. I am worn out pleading and crying. It is so frustrating trying to have a conversation, he just sits and says nothing, and I get louder and louder, and more stressed. Nothing works. I have written pages of lettere to him, I don't even think he reads them, bought books, he won't read them. He shows no interest in either helping himself or us, and I am struggling to cope with him. I feel I am a breaking point, and it's far easier for me to have nothing to do with him than try to engage with him. I feel I have wasted 20 years with a man who cannot grow up, who didn't seem to know what he wanted to do with his life. He has never been able to talk about the future or make plans that do not involve his work. I told him this evening to leave, he was back in 2 hours as if nothing happened. Nothing sinks in. I don't know what to do, I can't shout it out to the world, I want to tell everybody, but still out of guilt and loyalty I keep it all to myself, and it is destroying me. I was coping reasonably up to the affair, as I honestly felt I was important, even though I wasn't told so, but being cheated on is something I cannot come to terms with, and consider it the final nail in the coffin, the proof that he never loved me. I feel like running away all the time.......

We recently found out my wife of 10 years has AS. Three months ago I had only heard of it, and little did I know I've been living with it for so long. She accepts her diagnosis, I think, but what I don't see is much in the way of change, and I don't know how long I'll be able to hold on. I feel so lonely, I feel like I'm violating her trust by discussing it with anybody, so I feel isolated. It explains so much, but the initial joy of understanding that this is what we're facing is fading, and I'm realizing that I have the rest of my life with a spouse who doesn't realize that I'm so terribly lonely, or that so few of my needs are being met.

I want you to know I read the last two chapters of your book again.The reading is a precise concentrate of everything important for nt spouses to know. And it helps me with remembering the pain.

I very much appreciate the work put into this site. This information provides answers that I have earnestly sought. Initially I did everything I could to make this person love me. Then I tried anything just to make my spouse stop complaining. I had to hide all my deepest hopes and dreams to keep him from tearing them down and criticizing them. I have been destroyed emotionally over and over, never understanding what was going on. He showed an unbelievable lack of empathy while making sure all of his needs were met. I had a mental breakdown last year and he made us see a marriage counselor because I was out of control. I thought "thank you God". He now realizes that he has been abusive emotionally, financially and psychologically. His control, criticism and neediness pushed me over the edge after 25 years. He is trying to change is behavior but finds it difficult. I have learned to place boundaries on his behavior and follow through with consequences which works pretty well. I do not plan to stay once the kids leave.

Your website is what I have been looking for, for decades-i am sure

After an explosive "final incident", I escaped a 20+ year marriage to an undiagnosed HFa. I feel wounded, empty of feelings, but so comforted by reading all of the comments. I am not alone. I ordered No Team Player, and will also order Karen Rodman's collection of NT partners' writing. It would be wonderful to have a way to meet others in local support groups. Does anyone know of efforts to do this? It is true, this is a "lonely road." Hugs and loving thoughts to all of you.

I commend you on your bravery to say it how it really is. I agree with your article about counselling us and how the so-called experts try to get us to give more and more of our already depleted selves to support the AS person that they sympathize with because they themselves have the same traits. There are so few specialist counsellors in this area for partners that I am beginning to think that those who have a special interest in it are themselves somehow affected. I found "The Bottom Line" article particularly challenging but it confirmed for me what I already felt anyway at my core. Your site is so helpful. Keep up the great work.

Thank you so much for your article about Aspie parents with NT children and the negative emotional harm it can do to the child. I have been trying for years to protect my daughter and make excuses for him. She has felt for years that he does not love her and this is heartbreaking. At times, he seems very deliberately hurtful and vindictive. He raked me over the coals during a recent custody battle, accusing me of everything from child abuse to borderline personality disorder. I was mystified at how everyone in the community (who didn't personally know me), believed every word he said and the teachers and school personnel went out of their way to "protect her from the evil and dangerous, crazy mother." They were so impressed with his "prestige" and titles, position at work and career. Because he is higher up in the school system, this was used as a battering ram against my child and I. Her teachers were grilling her about if "mommy had any boyfriends" and other inappropriate questions that had her feeling humiliated and afraid to go to school. This clearly came at his direction. No teacher would spontaneously ask a child these types of questions -- especially during a reading circle in front of their peers! Had my daughter not developed very obvious OCD, and had I not finally found a competent, highly trained and world renowned doctor who works for an entire team specializing in it, nobody would have ever known her dad has Asperger's. Although he is not "formally" diagnosed, it has become very clear this is precisely what we have been dealing with for nearly two decades. All the docs there who have met with dad several times over the years clearly see this in him. Thank God for this doctor, who has put the kabash on dad's campaign of denigration and hatred against me (for the time being at least) and has been acting as a buffer and guardian angel against the emotional trauma that has been, and continues to be inflicted on my daughter. HE BELIEVES HER! SHE IS VINDICATED! And it is fantastic! I cried when finally someone could tell her why she felt unloved, unworthy and why dad was "flapping his hands and mumbling angrily every night at home" (this is called "stimming" - which I had never heard of). While dozens of others failed to recognize glaring problems with his behavior and would occasionally comment in their written notes that he "appeared odd" they still pointed the finger at me as being a vindictive ex who wanted to turn his only daughter against a wonderful and loving daddy. If she felt he didn't love her, it must be because I brainwashed her into feeling that way. She is just one more person he is unable to develop a bond with. He has zero friends. We've been divorced for 12 years and he has yet to have another relationship. He actively works to destroy people who oppose him (even by accident or from an offhand remark he takes as literal). He is such a wonderful actor. I can see it is an act and so can the very few people who have ever seen him in private, but he is so good at wearing the mask. It is very frustrating for my poor daughter, who sees two very different people in him -- the one in public versus the one at home. The trauma for children suffering from the tantrums, lies and play acting of the asperger parent is REAL -- even though almost nobody will ever believe them. What's worse -- it appears to be permanent. I have watched two daughters suffer because of his aspergers (one was not his and he appeared to truly hate her - and still does). I can't even begin to thank you for recognizing that not all aspies are "sweet, honest, wonderful people deep down who are just so misunderstood." I am not saying they are all evil. I am just saying that the hell they inflict is REAL and very painful for those in their sphere -- and THAT, also, needs to be validated and talked about!! THANK YOU and PLEASE keep up the research on this! SO MANY CHILDREN ARE SUFFERING WITHOUT ANY VALIDATION!!

I am a 45y old woman. A year ago i decided to end my relationship with my partner after 19y, we have 3 children. All things considered all went well but i am struggling with finding my way forward, letting the past be the past, am feeling gulty allthough my mind tells me that i shouldn't. Reading the testimonials on this website is very helpfull, however i feel that i could benefit from having contact with other women that have gone through the same thing. In Belgium, as in many other countries asperger is not commonly known. Your website has allowed me a lot in accepting that it was not just me.

When my sister, after being very supportive during the divorce from my ex AS husband for 43 years, stated that I was lacking self-perception because I still 3 years after the divorce am feeling depressed, i.e. that clearly I am the one with problems, I understood that I had to detach from the only person close to me nowadays. Simultaneously indicating that she understands why our children now have abandoned me, but not their AS father. How do we reach out, when will our problems be recognized and accepted? When will we be believed? When...

People will never understand functioning autism without your developmental chart of the deficits in developmental milestone explanations. I love them. They make it very clear what fa is.

The last two "new" articles are awesome! Still struggle with others not recognizing ex husband having Aspergers syndrome or perhaps admitting to it in an ex-husband. The article helps with validation and with moving on.Thank you!

The author of No Team Player's life must be emotionally exhausting. The book was emotionally exhausting to read.

I was married to a man with undiagnosed Asperger's syndrome. Went through counseling where the counselor knew nothing about it. Went through divorce and child custody case... courts know nothing about it. I have survived and reading websites like this is helpful. I want to educate people about it but I look like a typical ex wife. This is different especially where children are involved. I am not sure what my future holds but I plan to do something so the courts understand it more. I did not endure what I did for no reason. Good luck and God bless all of you!

I found it hard to put "No Team Player" down. I really liked the way the marriage issues were chunked down.

I am finding "No Team Player" quite rivetting. It is remarkable

I finally and for the first time in 17 years feel validated. thank you.As I have been told by family members my expectations were too high, I have been asked not to talk about my husbands shortcomings as it is uncomfortable for them, I have been labeled by them, not professionals to be borderline personality disorder, therefore responsible for the problems at home. I have been accused by my sister of being an out of control addict, leaving wake of hurt behind me, as she percived my reactive behaviors which were really fear, lom\\nliness, unheard, unloved, depressed, isolated, emotional torture that no one else could see.

Wow! At last a site that tells it like it is :) Thank you ;)

Just found this site. I guess in a while I will say this has been liberating and a relief but at the moment, I feel sick. way too much recognition of long-buried pain and no hope for future change. the articles are terrific.

Thank you for this wonderful site which makes me feel sane again!! Its a gift.

The book, 'No Team Player' accurately describes the confusion and emotional anguish of a neurotypical spouse trying to make sense of her marriage to a man on the autism spectrum. All the communication difficulties, the lack of resolution to interactions between the two people and the mind numbing repetition of their life together is recounted in an honest, respectful way. The traumatic events occurring in the relationship are compounded by the disbelief of significant others in the author's life. She is further wounded by the actions of the professionals she consults, seeking answers to what is wrong and why can't this be fixed? The conclusions she arrives at are unexpected and confronting. This book also answers the question of, "What will my son look like when he grows up?" Neurotypical men with spouses on the autism spectrum are confronted with similar catastrophies in their relationship.

This site has saved my life! The Effects of Developmental Failures in autism chart and the Cassandra Metaphor has saved my sanity. Thank you will never be enough but it is a start.

The author of No Team Player's life must be emotionally exhausting. The book was emotionally exhausting to read.

Thank You for this website and for the awareness and insight that you have for people living with partners with AS. It is a very miserable, lonely life with a partner who never asks how you are and what kind of a day you had, nothing, ever.There is NO emotional connection on any level.It is a sterile life without joy, conversation, connection, no sharing, no looking forward to the future , no looking forward to next week! Everything is in the now.My husband has never been diagnosed and hides his disability well, at least for the majority of people.His dirty clothes, muddy shoes often with large holes and general poor hygiene and 'scruffiness' belie the fact that he is a Senior Architect in a World Class Practice!Family have 'covered up' for him for years and still treat him as a little boy even though he is 56! Professionals are dazzled by his Career and believe every word that he says, I am the 'problem'.I recognise that he is role playing.I was diagnosed with Latent TB Infection last week.The years of stress have probably reduced my immunity.When I told him , not a single word of sympathy or concern.On Sunday night he left to go abroad where he is currently working.His parting words were "I'll be back at Christmas" nothing else, no "hope you are better", "let me know how you're getting on", absolutely nothing! So at least your website validates our experiences and there is some comfort and support in that.It's like living in a mad world.It gradually erodes the spirit and crushes you.Outwardly, everything appears "normal".people don't believe you or choose not to.

I was astonished to finally read an article that has described my experience of emotional trauma in my marriage. Although I managed to escape successfully from this relationship, I am vulnerable to emotionally based stress - particularly any coercion, at which time the devastation of being in an emotionally sterile relationship comes to the fore. Professionals have been reluctant to explain "what happened" - despite many counselling and even marriage counselling attempts. I am finally getting answers . Your description post traumatic relationship syndrome is spot on ...it also has to be remembered that we can never really escape people who are intertwined in our lives through children and grandchildren. Lack of awareness of these types of men means that we don't understand the significance of the "red flags" that we perceive. They defy logical explanation, and as our culture tends to respect evidence only, thereby giving the disordered personality the benefit of the doubt, whilst leaving us exposed to serious harm

I found it hard to put "No Team Player" down. I really liked the way the marriage issues were chunked down.

I am reading your book, "No Team Player." It is the best book I have ever read on ASD, hands down! I'm an Asperger’s spouse as you know. I also work as a psychotherapist. I want to learn more about the ins and outs of this disorder, including what mechanisms of the brain are disabled and how this connects to particular consequences. There is so much imitation involved, that I need to know what is real! For instance, when you talk about Denver's lack of understanding the consequences of his inaction, I could so relate. However, I thought this characteristic was just my husband being a non-worrier, just cool and collected. I need to understand ASD better so that I can get out of the crazy confusion. I've read Attwood, but he's too politically correct for me and misses the subtleties that you write about, especially for spouses.

If a tree falls and hits me on the head in the wind, I will tell people. They believe me. I am not blaming all trees or the wind, simply telling my story. It should be the same with telling my story about life with a spouse with ASD. I should be believed about my experience.

I was married to a man with undiagnosed Asperger's syndrome. Went through counseling where the counselor knew nothing about it. Went through divorce and child custody case... courts know nothing about it. I have survived and reading websites like this is helpful. I want to educate people about it but I look like a typical ex wife. This is different especially where children are involved. I am not sure what my future holds but I plan to do something so the courts understand it more. I did not endure what I did for no reason. Good luck and God bless all of you!

Today I found this website. Thank you for being here. I live in Denmark married to an Asperger husbond for many years. There is no network for Asperger partners in my country. Asperger is focuses only when it comes to children and young people. It was a relief for me to find the concept Cassandra phenomenom. The Impacts and Deficits in NT ASD Relationships Table is an exellent instrument to keep focus on my situation - instead of getting sucked into my husbonds abnormal perception of reality. If Alice in Wonderland stayed there for 16 years - would she not have to surrender to the bizarre perception of everything, just to survive?

I commend you on your bravery to say it how it really is. I agree with your article about counselling us and how the so-called experts try to get us to give more and more of our already depleted selves to support the AS person that they sympathize with because they themselves have the same traits. There are so few specialist counsellors in this area for partners that I am beginning to think that those who have a special interest in it are themselves somehow affected. I found "The Bottom Line" article particularly challenging but it confirmed for me what I already felt anyway at my core. Your site is so helpful. Keep up the great work.

My husband I believe has undiagnosed Aspergers, He is not well. He is violent. He is mean. He is obsessed with objects, things. He lacks emphathy. I wish I could say positive things about being married to him, but I can't. It is hell. I am in hell. My kids are in hell. There is no relief for those of us suffering.

I am so grateful for this site. I have returned to it often over the course of this year. I only wish I had this resource as a child and then as an adult when I found myself married and in a similar relationship to that of my parents. Both my father and my husband are on the Aspie-continuum. Now divorced, with three kids I border on regret and think I went crazy...until I read the chart on this webisite- When I read "Death by a thousand paper cuts" I cry. I wince at the terms of my divorce and struggle but then I realize "of course" then divorce and issues we continue to have will suffer from the same issues our marriage had. Initially I think- will suffer from the same issues that I have but am still coming to see that MY issues might not be just MY issues, at all. I have a lot to heal. Thank you for the resources. Thank you all for the testimonies- at some point I will be able to read them all- it is just hard right now and I trust I will be able to find the ability to have the conversations with my children without it seeming like I am being hurtful toward their father or influencing their relationship negatively.

Wow...It's hard to describe what it's like to be hit with the realization that the impossible situation you have been dealing with is all due to something you've never heard of before. Asperger's. For the last 7 months I've been meeting with this nice girl, we're in our 50's, and I've never been so utterly confused, hurt, lonely, unhappy - while being so drawn to her it's impossible to stop thinking about her. I can only describe it as the simultaneous feeling of being so close to someone, and yet still feeling as though they're a million miles away. She would behave when we were together as if we were getting closer and closer and closer in our "relationship' then as soon as we were apart, it was almost like we'd never even met. She would invite mer to her house to visit, and eventually even came to my house to visit, but would never come out with me in public, would never sit with me if we were at the same public event, and still to this day, will not come out and do anything with me. Despite how much fun and enjoyment we both seem to experience when we're together. The pain and confusion is almost unbearable. It makes you ask - what could I possibly be doing wrong. Well - nothing. There's nothing this nice young lady can do about it. Nothing. She doesn't miss me when we're apart. She doesn't wish we could get closer. She doesn't hope that our relationship gets stronger. She says she really wants to be friends and doesn't want to "lose" me, which was a surprising thing to hear. However she just doesn't seem capable of really participating in a friendship. She has no real friends of her own, no past boyfriends that are still in her life, she's divorced. She reports that one of her son's has AS, but has never said anything about herself potentially having it. But it's obvious. The pain that comes from trying to enjoy life by being close to someone with AS, and not knowing it, is only slightly relieved by finding out about AS in the first place. I think I might have gone completely insane had I not discovered this "difference" in people. I would have thought I was not worthy of her affection, a worthless person and I would have gone mad wondering what was wrong with me. I think all I can do is quietly and compassionately move on. I will respond to her when she contacts me, but I can't invite her out anymore, only to have her change her mind many times, eventually to cancel at the last minute and leave me in despair. She can't help it. Why do we fall in love with them? they are so beautiful on the inside, in many ways. And yet it is a trainwreck waiting to happen - if we don't find a way to separate our lives from them. I will miss her so much.

After reading your site and the valuable information here I'm convinced Donald J Trump, President of the USA has autism, with the co-morbid psychopathy and narcissism. My husband has autism and he's excluded from jury duty and the military because of the deficits. The Presidency should also be an exclusion.

I recently came to the realization that my husband is somewhere on the autism spectrum. I'm not entirely sure that it's ASD, but I know from his behavior and characteristics that he's on the spectrum. I first read through the testimonials listed here and it was refreshing to know that I am not the only one suffering in an isolated, parent-child marriage. Like many of you, I have been chalked up as a "mean wife" to my "sweet natured" husband who appears "nice, yet quiet" while at the same time completely lacks skills associated with finances, social/personal responsibility. When we dated, it was the typical qualities that made me fall for him. Being in the same house however, watching him struggle time and again and never quite understanding what those quirks such as stimming, repetitive responses, lack of eye contact were all about, I thought momentarily that I was the crazy one. I suspect that our pastor and other friends who've tried counseling us believe we are just a couple in a young marriage trying to figure things out. Wrong. I wasn't born last night, and I've always known Brian to be "different," but could never adequately explain this different-ness. I once was asked by a friend who tried offering her support, "what's your problem" when I tried explaining the baffling nature of our marriage and all she could see was a kind man. Make no mistake, he is kind. Unlike some of the testimonials, my husband is not mean-natured, but does lack empathy for others and takes a "it's them not me" approach to nearly every situation, causing him to justify his lack of responsibility. I don't blame him at all for his condition, but I lack patience for one who does not take steps to help themselves. Further, I've found myself resentful toward his parents for not getting him the help he needed as a child. Perhaps his situation would be different (though I don't know the fully story behind his upbringing; perhaps they did try to help him and he refused it). I am the bill payer, time manager, calendar keeper, cook, mother, housekeeper. I've put my life aspirations on hold because I simply don't have time with the demanding responsibilities going on. Twice I've taken vacations without him (which is a way for me to take a break from the overwhelming burden of taking care of a grown adult) and have been made to feel guilty for doing so. Before him, I was an independent woman, taking care of myself and child and living life with ambition and gusto. Those days are a mere memory and my resentment toward him grows everyday as a result. I should also note that he has been diagnosed with ADHD. Coupled with AS, it is a whirlwind in our household. I don't want to sound like the uncompassionate wife, but it is so hard. I long to have intellectual conversation with other adults. My 10yo is intellectually and emotionally more mature than he. It saddens me because I don't want to quit my marriage, but I'm alone now more than when I was single. He has agreed to counseling, but doesn't follow therapeutic advise. The problem is, he's seeing someone who is not clinically trained in treating adults on the AS. In the age of the internet, I am so shocked at the few or lack of resources for spouses of someone on the AS. Further, is there not formal education for clinicians on this very niche and hard to explain disorder? This site is about as close as I've come to finding anything and I'm grateful for that. It adds a little hope to our future. God bless all of you out there who may be in similar predicaments.

What a great site and it is a relief to find others in the same boat. I liked JA Morgan's neat table. Effects of Differing Neuro Developmental Levels On Neurotypical/autism Adult Relationships. It was a great summary of the various aspects of Asperger's and how it affects the behaviors of people with it and the impact of those behaviors on those who for one reason or another have to be in close physical and/or psychological proximity with them

Hello dear fellow partners of Aspies, This is what I understand. There is no reflective moment, no sadness, pain, physical or emotional, no grief, no small human feeling in me to which my husband will respond with empathy for me. Instead, those particular moments are entirely about his anger, his needs, his headache, his pain, his disappointment in my failure to be a better wife. It took me a few years to understand that this was no coincidence. I understand that if I don't bow to his greater needs, our marriage will not make it through the day. Because, for my husband, he is always and ever the most in pain, working the hardest, earning the most money, cleaning the kitchen the most and the best, controlling the food, the washing, doing all of the driving on the holidays, the dominant partner and the dominant parent. My husband actually believes he is our marriage and our life. With young children and run off my feet most days, I am treading water. I have become very good at emotionally insulating myself, almost to the point of numbness. Also, there are amazingly lots of great things in our lives together and he is a good Dad while the children are very young, I believe this will change. Its such a hard, complex and very lonely problem. Best wishes to you all

Every single one of the testimonies that I just read through are spot on. It is a very tough, lonely life to live in this manner. I am constantly criticized, chastised, insulted, and even humiliated because I let my wife know how much I am deprived of sensual, friendly, compassionate, and even normal human contact. It is always about her and her pain. While I get the pain issues, what I don't get is why or how anybody can treat another human the way I get treated. One moment it's "I Love You", then the next words uttered is something unbelievably hateful. She blames me for all of her issues, her pain, her hate, her resentment. She also blames me for things that she does to me, such as not being respectful of her time, cooking (she has never cooked a meal for me at home). She treats others as vessels that have things to help her but only very rarely reciprocates. She has no true friends and her eldest son does his best to put up with her theatrics. We spend many nights in separate bedrooms because she gets angry and leaves when I bring relationship, finance, family or any topic for that matter, up at bedtime. Then the hateful text messages start. I have finally been able to ignore them When I have had enough of being isolated (usually three or more weeks), I bring them up during waking moments, those issues get brushed off as unimportant or everything gets tossed into the sex realm. I would love to just have a normal marriage where I can bring things up to my wife. I do listen to her of course, whenever and wherever topics are brought up but rarely am I listened to in those conversations so I end up just listening without getting to say anything. I understand that listening is absolutely essential in a marriage, however that should happen both ways when needed. I don’t have that luxury. I don’t know what is right and wrong, real or imaginary anymore. Without a doubt, I am going through some traumatic disorder as the days drag on without any potential for my wife to embrace our marriage.

"Mommy" is tired of answering questions. But I don't have any actual kids in my home. I have a husband with autism. No, I don't know what that thing on the carpet is. No, I don't know what that paper in the front yard is. I wish you could get out of your recliner and go look since I'm making dinner with a headache and three weeks of heart palpitations. I'm tired of being grilled for the most basic information that other people just intuit from normal interactions. You're locked out of your online bank account because I screwed up on the password a bunch of times because I didn't know you'd changed it. Oh, but 1,600 questions later, you're sort of understanding the situation. 'Did you actually mean 1,600 questions, because I only asked three questions and how is that "grilling?"' Mommy needs a break.

To Lynn who posted on Feb 28th 2016: My situation is very close to yours. I am at my wits end and my children are aligning behind my ASD husband so that if I leave I will be left with nothing. It is so close to this article I can't believe it. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-with-undiagnosed-autism-why-women-who-leave-lose-twice-0420164 I am running out of life options. Everyone please post your life's challenges in this ASD-NT world. It helps to know we are not alone. And it is an outlet for you. I have lost my life to someone who treats me with no respect. I will lose my children

Wow...so grateful I found this site. Just WOW. I left a career and married a man who is definitely an undiagnosed Aspie. I have felt like Im losing my mind I was his 3rd wife by the time he was 40...He is smart, educated, a great provider....I gave up all security to marry and blend a family. I first came to a realization something was wrong when his mom was having a serious surgery, he said to her on the phone, "good luck" then carried on with his bike ride. Nothing matters to him except his interests...always angry, insults, never praises, finds fault, is never wrong....blurred boundaries. I used to be a strong, confident woman. I have been emotionally deprived and destroyed.

this site is extremely helpful explaining the confusion in my life.