Testimonials
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Liina 3:10 AM Thu 13th May, 2021 |
I loved to laugh. I loved to dance. I loved to make others laugh. Now, there is nothing left of me anymore. I met a “dream comes true” gentleman 10 years ago. 2 years he was the kindest man who I have ever seen... till we moved together. Then it started. Daily insults. Hits. Rape. Cheatings. And of course it’s always all your fault. You are never good enough. I ran, and he found me. Promised to change. Naively I believed and even got married to him. Moved back into his house. Today 5 years later, all is the same. Daily threats. Threats with lawyers, to be kicked out from home, insults. Those people will never change. Either you die or you have to run. |
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Christina 1:19 AM Wed 12th May, 2021 |
Thank you all for sharing. Your stories are an inspiration and help anyone suffering to know that they are not alone, and perhaps get the courage to take the leap of faith and survive through/find coping mechanisms, or leave an abusive situation. Praying for us all! |
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Lalita 7:05 AM Tue 11th May, 2021 |
@ Where did the happy me go? I read your post, I really felt for you, it was like reading my own story. I do not have much to share but I just want to let you know you are not alone, I am in a similar situation, I would like to leave but getting out from a practical and financial angle is difficult. I used to cry nearly everyday and now, I allow myself to mourn and grief and not feel guilt about increasing my self care. I am not making excuses for the side effects of ASD but due to it being neurological condition, there is little chance of change in terms of behaviour. I am lucky I still have my interests and community contact active but I have now accepted after struggling with his and his family's behaviour for over twenty years that he, and his family are on the AS, the pain and tragedy is their denial, you are not able to discuss this with them, they truly do believe their behaviour is acceptable, I am grateful I do not have any contact with them. Like you I feel invisible, ignored and as though I do not exist. I do not know what tomorrow holds but I take things one step at a time, I no longer mention my life to my spouse but I find I am feeling stronger by reaching out to others. I have learnt there is utterly no point in trying to mention things to these people, they do not have the capacity to recognise the impact of their behaviour hence the gaslighting, denial, finger pointing and blame game, it is all part of the disorder. |
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viki 5:31 AM Mon 10th May, 2021 |
Hi - I recently left my partner - an undiagnosed aspie - and it was so so hard because I loved him so so much. I probably still do. But for me it was the right thing. The love and care was never going to be returned because he was right there on the spectrum and he had no insight at all on how selfish his behaviours were - he loved me, I know, but not like I loved him. My son has ASD and he has so much more insight and empathy that my former partner - the one thing I will say is this, and I know it's a cliche - everyone on the spectrum is different - if they are young and are ameanable to self insight and open to a diagnoses and changing and committing to change needed for the relatiosnhio to survive, then surley a relationship is worth perusing because there can be so many positives - honesty, lack of aggression (my prior partner was abusive) and in my case, his intellect, non-judgementalness and even his special interest, which was gliding and flying and I had some beautiful ocassions gliding through the sky with him - but at the end of the day, he was not in it with me, there was little togetherness, and so I ended it. My mental health suffered greatly. It was not sustainable, his inability to communicate and care for me before himself. So, my only advice is that if they can't change, and you want more, then end it. You can never be at peace if you want more from someone who can not give it. |
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Miel 7:34 PM Sun 9th May, 2021 |
I’m shocked to discover I’m INFJ as well. I was at first dismissing this as coincidence but, it’s a rare personality type. That so many of us are INFJ and have been the target of an abusive or exploitative ASD manipulator seems significant. We really are like honey to them. |
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Where did the happy me go? 1:16 PM Sun 9th May, 2021 |
I too have read these comments for some time. It is bitter sweet. Finding out you are not alone and that your feelings are valid is life saving after years of wondering is it me that's the problem? But then you also realise that things can't improve no matter how much you try. I am 45 and have been married for 20 yrs. Things went wrong within weeks of marriage, but I was too proud and ashamed to admit it to anyone. I would say we had good weeks and bad, but for years it was bearable. Now we barely have a good day. I have given up treading on eggshells because whatever I say or do, I am in the wrong. Everything I say is misinterpreted, I am either shouted at or ignored. If I ask him to do anything,he forgets ,tells me I am nagging when I ask again then he makes such a meal of it. I have to remember everything. I think they get worse with age, he is angry,has childish tantrums, doesn't see the need for cleaning, doesn't allow for anyone else's opinion, has abysmal hygiene and shouts all the time which is really embarrassing when we're out. He can't make decisions.Nothing ever gets resolved,we go round in circles, have horrendous arguments, he storms off and sulks then acts like nothing has happened. We hardly ever have a conversation. As many have said, Christmas and birthdays are a waste of time.He was officially diagnosed just after we married, but cannot accept that his behaviour is in line with the diagnosis, its anyone else but him. I used to be very sociable with lots of friends but because I was too embarrassed to have visitors and didn't know how he would behave I don't have any contact with friends or family now as I lost touch with them.I did try and explain to people what it was really like, but he has them fooled of course they all think he's wonderful. I feel lost, empty,broken, so lonely, anxious and depressed, my health has deteriorated so badly that now I have mobility issues. I am just an empty shell.My heart is broken. I cry every day, but never get any comfort or apology. I have had occasions when I was bent double with pain, but was totally ignored, yet if I was a stranger he would be rushing to help. I am so angry at myself for not having the courage to leave years ago.The realisation that I have never been loved and have wasted my life makes me so sad and angry for what might have been. I am angry at his family for not warning me as I'm sure they knew. Because of my health issues I don't feel strong enough to leave now as I have absolutely no support network,I'm not financially independent, but know it will only get more difficult as I get older,I am scared for my future wellbeing, if I get more ill, he would not be able to look after me as he cannot cook, pay bills and cleaning us a waste of time. Other men seem so kind and gentle when they speak to me and I think back to previous relationships, but am afraid to start dating again. I don't trust my judgement and would be so scared I'd end up with the same again because how do you know whether they are masking or not? So will I end up even more lonely? Thanks to everyone on this site for sharing, listening and understanding.I listen to and envy those of you who have been courageous enough to leave,I wish you all the best. I wish strength and courage to those like myself who are still struggling. Those of you who ask will it get better, the answer is most definitely no, get out while you can. |
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Janet 2:18 AM Sun 9th May, 2021 |
As usual, it's eery to read and relate to such specific details on this site. I also am an INFJ. My ex aspie pursued me for over a year with relentless love bombing before we dated. He is extremely handsome and well dressed and I often wondered "why me?" as he seemed way out of my league. Now I understand that it wasn't love-he didn't love or admire me as an individual person-he simply knew I was a good fit for him-aka as an empath would get sufficiently hooked and put up with his crap. Which I did, for far too long. I have recently been hanging out with a new (NT) man and I can't believe how refreshing it all is. There is passion behind his kisses, he asks me questions and responds to mine, and he tells me how he feels! I feel completely spoiled over the most basic gestures. I wish the 'me' now could talk to the 'me' a year and a half ago when I was SO heartbroken and obsessed with my aspie that I couldn't function and saw no way out. Because I am feeling incredibly grateful that I made that hard decision to leave and enforce zero contact. I knew things were bad, but I had no idea just how bad it was until I started dating someone NT. To any of you struggling after having left your aspie, or those of you contemplating it, your future happy selves are waiting. Be kind and patient with yourselves in the meantime. This is really hard stuff to recover from. But it's possible! |
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Vicky 8:26 PM Sat 8th May, 2021 |
@aplaceinhell - I came to the realization after 20 years with my ex asp that him being so dismissive of our relationship had nothing to do with whether he loved me or not. I hope you realize that your ex loved you but they can move on so quickly because they don’t have the emotional development that we have. I don’t want you to think you are not worthy or that you wasted your time & love. We just picked the wrong partners. I agree that if I had known what my future was going to be with this not emotionally developed partner I would never have pursued it or stayed as long as I did. I absolutely would not have spent years of my life trying to teach him basic relationship etiquette, a complete waste of time and energy. |
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Gaslit 4:02 AM Sat 8th May, 2021 |
I wish this 90s-era web form allowed us to structure our comments with paragraphs instead of restructuring everything into formatting-free blocks of text that are hard to read. I'm trying to break up this post into paragraphs with rows of punctuation. ``````````````````````````````````````````` I finally dumped my autistic abuser, despite the fact it was a terrible financial decision for me as he'd been mostly supporting us since the pandemic hit. We moved in together not long before COVID started. Trapped in a house with someone who was completely unrecognizable from the man I was dating has been such a miserable experience. My autistic ex is filthy with both his living space and personal hygiene, and I knew he would stop his bare-minimum occasional efforts to clean himself and our home if he no longer had the prize of sex to reward him. But I just couldn't take it any more. Since I dumped him, we've stayed living in our two bedroom rental arguing constantly, our lease ending this summer. I can't afford to leave before then. ``````````````````````````````````````````` I only have a minimum wage part time job right now because all the money in my sector is going to COVID-related work, and I have nowhere to go when the lease ends since can't afford even a small apartment on my current income. I'm probably going to put my stuff in storage and be couch-surfing after our lease ends. I know a lot of commenters here are scared to leave their autistic abuser because they're jobless or in a bad situation due to the pandemic, but eventually, you'll reach the point that you'd rather be homeless than continue to endure their abuse. Since splitting, my ex has basically stopped showering or brushing his teeth and his room looks like something from the TV show Hoarders. I can smell him from a distance. But, at least I don't have to have sex with him any more. ``````````````````````````````````````````` Autistics are obligate sociopaths, they are biologically incapable of caring about anything other than themselves. There are some comments on this forum from defensive autistic people saying that the behaviors we describe are not about autism, they are about abuse, and completely separate. I do not believe autistic people are capable of having a non-abusive relationship. How can they? Their very nature is to only think about themselves, to lie profusely to get whatever they want, to not care about who they hurt, and to pretend to be different people at different times to manipulate those around them. They only understand how to latch onto and exploit kind and empathic people. (Note: they never seem to date each other, do they? Can't have a relationship of two parasites, they need a victim.) ``````````````````````````````````````````` Please, leave your abuser. They're not just in need of a bit of couple's counseling, they are broken at the core of their being and will never change. You can't fix them with therapy any more than you take someone with both legs amputated to a therapist and expect them to regrow their legs. At best, you might be able to get an autistic abuser to behave in a certain way sometimes, but they're only doing that so they can manipulate you into taking care of them, providing them with sex, cleaning up after them, etc. You will never have a real human connection, you will only have a transactional relationship where they put in the absolute bare minimum fake kindness required to continue to abuse you. Just as any other abuser does. They prey on regular people, trick us into caring about them, and then eventually drop their ruse ("masking") and leave us confused and devastated to learn who they really are. ``````````````````````````````````````````` One of the conclusions I've reached from this experience is that pushing them into therapy is at best a waste of money and at worst enables and encourages them as abusers. In another forum where I was reading about narcissistic/sociopathic abuse (which reads as identical to autistic abuse, even though the root cause is different), one therapist wrote that they tell their abuse victim clients to not push their abusers into therapy because abusers will adopt the language of therapy and weaponize it against their victims, and trick therapists into taking their side and stroking their egos, making them more confident as abusers. That is exactly what I experienced with pushing my autistic ex into therapy. I wanted for him to work with someone to be more aware of his bizarre and hurtful behaviors and how he could better interact with other people. Basically, I treated autism like a fixable mental health quirk, rather than an incurable severe mental disability. ``````````````````````````````````````````` I have also learned to fiercely reject the use of the term "high functioning" to describe the cohort of autistic people who are especially good at exploiting and manipulating people. "High functioning" is a euphemism for "highly successful abuser." Why on earth do we classify their level of functioning based on how good they are at lying? How is that "functional"? ``````````````````````````````````````````` My ex is still seeing one of our major city's most recommend experts in autistic adults. Together, they have apparently decided that I am the one who abused him and that he is the victim. According to her, me telling him I was hurt by that this-or-that lie he told me or mean thing he said to me annoys him, and therefore is abuse. The fact that I'd tell him he needed to do his half of household chores is abuse because I was "criticizing" him. Having casual disagreements of opinion is also somehow abuse because he has a giant ego and feels that someone politely disagreeing with him is an act of harm against him. He's still in therapy with this woman working on "recovering" from how I "abused" him (by telling him things like "stop lying to me" and "you need to clean the bathroom every week like you agreed.") It's absolutely maddening to glean bits and pieces of what he's gotten from therapy. What he's learned is that he's perfect, that autism is something to be proud of because autistic people are better than mere lowly neurotypicals, that it's okay for him to lie to people and trick them so long as he gets what he wants, and that if a woman disagrees with him about anything or calls him out on being purposefully hurtful, then she is the one who has abused him. It still chills me to think back on when I went to a therapy session with him, and he casually admitted he created a fake persona with interests to match mine and lied to me to trick me into dating him because he wanted someone to have sex with, and the therapist giggled and sighed like that was the most adorable thing she'd ever heard. There is something very wrong with the therapists who specialize in autism. They're autism groupies and abuse cheerleaders. ``````````````````````````````````````````` In summary, if you're reading and uncertain, just leave. Leave now. Leave even if it means staying on a friend's couch or filing for food stamps or scaling back your quality of life temporarily. Your abuser will never get better, only worse. They are incapable of forming meaningful connections or ever caring about you. The person you thought you loved never existed. They only want you in their life so they can use you for something. You deserve so much more. |
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Annette 6:10 AM Fri 7th May, 2021 |
Aplaceinhell. Was reading your post...sad that he actually told you he didnt love you... My x aspie said is this how it is when touve been together so long ive never been with anyone so long ...his marriages only lasted 4 and 6 years.. Was that just another way of telling me that he didnt think much of me anymore⁹....well touche! I hadnt thought anything of him for a long time.. he killed all the feelings i had for him so i began to back off some years ago...lived my own life..hoping he would leave like he kept saying he would...but he never did..nence the 14 years...he got so weird i couldnt stand him anylonger.. |
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Aplaceinhell 6:36 AM Thu 6th May, 2021 |
My partner of several year finally admitted he no longer loves me. After I wasted years trying to make it work, year reducing my standards lower and lower until I stopped expecting to even get noticed by him. I wasted all this time trying to adapt and ignore all the things he was lacking because fighting about it only made it worse. I wasted youth, bored and depressed in his excruciating and predictable routine. The only thing he had going for him was that he truly, genuinely loved me, I had no doubt about it. I was wrong. I wasted my time, my energy... I made life choices, bet all I had on this relationship.... Now here I am. I have no one left, and I wasted all I had on a man that can't even love me like he promised. Stop finding reasons, stop finding excuses. Don't be like me. Leave,please leave. |
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Jess 5:40 AM Thu 6th May, 2021 |
I am new to the group, but have read many of your testimonials. I am an NT Wife to an AS for almost 13 years, although he was diagnosed less than a year ago. Since our marriage, things began to change almost overnight, with every marital problem being directly & solely my fault. However, since his diagnosis, things have been a constant fight. For a day or two, he adores me. Then the next day, I'll say something and it's world war 3 for a minimum of a week. Ignoring, avoidance, attacking my character, gaslighting, withholding finances, and at times, things have gotten physical or items damaged in our home. Of course he is unapologetic and states he was reacting to me & it's my fault. Had I not said or did whatever, then he would not have reacted as such. This hatred towards me lasts for days on end. I can't help but take it personal and feel as though I'm being emotionally battered by my spouse. I know I've made mistakes, gotten overwhelmed with frustration and am not avoiding my fair share of fault, but thinks it's beyond unreasonable that I'm expected to take responsibility for both my actions and his. I've asked for marriage counseling with a therapist that specializes in neurodiverse couples, but he declines. I've brought up divorce too, which he either ignores, changes the subject back onto what I've done wrong, or says he doesn't want that. I'm at my wits end. Outside of our home, he comes across as charismatic & well/mild mannered. At home though, completely different. Like night & day. It's as though we are roommates versus a couple & it's lonely AF. I try to read & watch as much as I can on Adult Aspies/Neurodiverse relationships in hopes to improve my communications with him, but nothing seems to work. Reading your comments has helped me not to feel so alone or "crazy", as you all seem to be enduring the same heartache as me. So thank you for sharing your stories and insights. For the record, I too am an INFJ/Empath, which seems to be like catnip to a cat when it comes to Autistics. |
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Annette 6:51 PM Wed 5th May, 2021 |
Cathy...my x is on pension and works full time..lives with his son rent free whom bought him a new car and paid off his debt....yet he drags me through court over the house that he did not follow proceedure or negotiate with me....im think the courts are blind to these people... he refused all negotiastions...you sound terribly low.. try asking him to leave and look for another job when you are up to it....if you dont have children get out there is help out there...go to cotisens advice bureau for help how to do it...ive been on benefits before its not so bad. ..annette |
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Cathy 5:00 AM Wed 5th May, 2021 |
@Annette...they get benefits ! My ex with autism gets PIP and free football entry with quick exit and entry because he names his bro as a 'carer'. Utter B.S. that annoys me. Fraud if anything because he is fully capable. I lived with him for over a year and we work in the same place. I've been the one who suffers though being off ill through anxiety and depression not feeling able to go back to work because he is there. Ssp is no wage to live off. Starting to feel like I'd rather be dead and never have got involved with him. He was diagnosed as a child in primary school but his parents only told him at age 16. I'm 15 yrs older than my ex...in my day at school autism was never heard of. |
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Annette 4:59 AM Wed 5th May, 2021 |
Jaki.. i hear you..its all too soul destroying and too much for one person to deal with....how old are the children. Is he still living with you...can you ask him to leave ...inunderstand its not easy....im still facing the prospect of losing my home..i am almost 68 and not what i expected for my retirement....my bucket list has been well and truly kicked..im still waiting for 2 knee replacements..after 2 years...depression and anxiety has also kicked in....dragged in to court by a horrible uncaring person...when he left he said he would wreck me im beginning to think he has..... |
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Annette 12:17 AM Wed 5th May, 2021 |
My x aspie son seems to think his dad had a hard life....is that so for the test of them...or its his way of sayong im not interesed wont look it up refuses to acknowlege it....maybe he has some autustic traits himsel.. always having probs trying to reinvent himself too. Dad was an artist then a writer then a clock restorer...goodness kmows what wouldbcome next otherwise depression ensued... |
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Heinrich 4:24 PM Tue 4th May, 2021 |
Hi, Truth Serum, I am INFJ as well. We are described as: "An Advocate (INFJ) is someone with the Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Judging personality traits. They tend to approach life with deep thoughtfulness and imagination. Their inner vision, personal values, and a quiet, principled version of humanism guide them in all things." I think there might actually be alot in this forum who are INFJ. I think that is also the target group of people on the spectrum: empaths with deep emotions and a lot of theory of mind. |
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Heinrich 4:06 PM Tue 4th May, 2021 |
@Lyn To answer your quesiton: yes, you are unrealistic. From my experience and from reading/talking to victims of autisitic/nt-relationships I don't see them change. Some people wrote it earlier here: it is always his way or the highway. And I agree to that. I just can't see them change their behaviour. To be fair I must say I am, at the moment, in a place where I am hurt. So I am not totally neutral on that. |
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Lalita 11:14 AM Tue 4th May, 2021 |
In time, I shall share my story of being with a man who is an undiagnosed aspie with some serious narcissistic traits/behaviours, in fact, this describes his entire family, they are like a bunch of sociopaths. However, I do find reading the testimonials on this site to be helpful, I think one of many, painful experiences is being dismissed and not taken seriously when sharing the impact of being a neurotypical spouse, the isolation is very painful and the grief and loss of discovering that who you thought you married or fell for was nothing but an act. I felt for Donald and Shirley when I read their experiences, but also so many other people on this page. Would I like to just up and leave like many people tell struggling NT spouses? Of course I would, but with the lack of income, housing opportunities and the current state of the global pandemic and high cost of living is it not that easy, I personally do not have anywhere where I could retreat too if need be, no immediate family either. Of course, I have taken steps to improve my income but with advancing age and health issues these things create barriers to leaving. Despite the impact living with an undiagnosed aspie with narcissistic behaviour has on me I have however reconnected with myself and maintained my interests, community contact and support outside of the marriage, I also have a separate bank account which I try and save money but it is very difficult. Often I feel as though I am mourning someone who never really existed and often feel as though I am single despite being married, but by learning about ASD and the co-existing narcissistic traits I have come to realise this is not my problem, it is a disorder, a genetic one too. |
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Truth Serum 10:49 AM Tue 4th May, 2021 |
@Donald; Thank You for the validation; it is truly heartfelt to be reminded by kindred spirits like you that we neurotypicals don't just simply exist to get through another day; life is poetic for us, and coming against a wall in a relationship is nothing short of a tsunami of emotional pain. I happen to be an INFJ (rarest personality type), so it has been a double challenge for me to come to terms. As traumatic as it is for us, I sense there is a tremendous future for you as you are reaching out to end the nightmare and believe in a life you were meant to live. It is people like you and others on this site that give me hope in believing that our hearts are not merely vessels for pumping blood (former cardiac nurse here). "The Love Letter" is one of my favorite movies that reaches across time to connect two genuine hearts that were otherwise doomed. If only our love could reach the person we fell for; as in the movie though, the heart won't settle for anything but real. Sometimes movies like this are the only heart connection we will feel; and sadly, when we can't fix it, it's time to get out. Speaking of the heart, another great You Tube video that recently rolled out is by Jason Stephenson, "Pure Positive Love Energy"...,the music is quite magical in soothing the mind and heart from ruffled energy into a state of calm. Sending love and light to you and all who are reaching out here to return to their beautiful self. |
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Eliza 6:29 AM Tue 4th May, 2021 |
Hi everyone, thanks for sharing your thoughts as always. They are a lifeline for me. While it’s been almost two months since I’ve been done with my aspie, I can’t deny that I miss him, or at least the idea of who I wanted him to be (but who he never was after the live bombing phase). There were a few times when he came back with a lot of love bombing and I wanted to believe it was real. But your posts kept me on the straight and narrow. Now that it’s been almost two months out, every day I feel myself coming back more and more. I’m happier, lighter, my day isn’t consumed by his wants and needs, and thinking about how to say the right thing, stepping on eggshells, etc. so the answer to your question @donald is that you do feel better. While I miss him, honestly it’s more that I miss companionship and the idea of who I hoped he truly was. The reality though is, I don’t miss the wondering when the hammer would drop and his mood would change at the drop of a hat, the mean snarky remarks, the lack of humor, fun, ability to just enjoy time together, etc. something that helped is I went to dinner with a good guy friend of mine. He hugged me when he saw me, and we had a great time! I hadn’t realized how downtrodden I felt until I hung out with a guy who wasn’t on the spectrum. I’m not stereotyping those that are, but I now know that I cannot handle someone who is mind blind because it inherently means they cannot share in my thoughts or experiences, put me first when it’s necessary, anticipate my needs, and have a relationship that includes mutuality and reciprocity. So yes I’m happier, and while I miss the companionship I’m not mistaking it for missing my ex per say. I hope this helps someone reading this, the grass is greener on the other side. Go no contact, focus on your wants and needs, and don’t feel selfish about it. With a true partner there will be give and take, and that is what you deserve. |
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notyourfault 4:50 AM Tue 4th May, 2021 |
What I find really hard now its to feel comfortable in a NT,healthy and normal relationshiops. My actual partner gives me all I wanted when I was with my ex-aspie, he really cares and meet my needs, he has sense of humor and we can discuss without being gashlighted. Even with all this amazing things I sometimes miss the emocional rollercoster that my ex provocated. It is how trauma bond works and I need to rationalized this feelings when the come to my mind. Its diffcult but worth it, the process of healing is a every day, every second battle but in each moment that you overcome the wish of breaking 0 contact or to come back with them is a big step to grow up as human being. Sorry for my english, Im not native, thanks to all of you for reading me and writting here. You save my ife. |
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Annette 4:10 AM Tue 4th May, 2021 |
I am currently greiving for the relationship I never had...i was duped at the start like so many of you. He said i had shot him down in flames before id give him a chance....so i gaci gave him a orher chance..it weas r long before the cracks appeared again...after the diagnosis i did whatever I could but he abused that too. No one can say that i didnt try..if people want to feel sorry for them..let them go ahead..its their porogative...but the Asperges people will never thank them for it...they even abuse the help by therapists...to them their behaviour is acceptable...but sadly not to me....i had to get out for my sanity .. |
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Annette 2:32 AM Tue 4th May, 2021 |
Can some one tell me what is meant by trauma bond.....its not something im familiar with...although Ive heard it a lot on this site.... |
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Lyn 10:41 PM Mon 3rd May, 2021 |
Hi everyone, I wanted to get some perspective in terms of my expectations of my ASD spouse, and whether I'm asking too much if him. We've been going to NT/ASD therapy for 6 months, and things were starting to improve for a while, but they've (like always) circled right back around, and it's like we never went. I have become the "manager/rescuer", and if I don't stay on top of him to do his part, stuff ever gets done. His biggest struggles are executive function, communication, reciprocation, intimacy/desire discrepancy, and an inability to parent. I've tried to help him with keeping schedules & routines, lists, and even using a timer to help keep him on track, but when I leave him to his own, he is rarely able to manage, let alone follow my instructions. What kills me is that he can spend all the time in the world researching everything there is to know about The Alan Parsons Project, but he can't pick up his phone to research parenting tips for children on the spectrum (our child is also ASD), and he cannot/will not look into ASD for himself, and figure out what he can do to help himself. I am SO tired of having the same conversations over and over again, and I really want out. I deserve to be with someone who actually wants to bond and connect...who has a healthy libido and natural parental instincts. Is it reasonable for me to think that he's ever going to make lasting changes, or am I being unrealistic? |
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Annette 8:50 PM Mon 3rd May, 2021 |
It becomes very uñrealistic that all these Asperges/autism have the same chatectoristics and traits...its like they were in a class of their own and taught all these things....what did they learn at school...how to be horrible to other people....we never had any friends he claimed he didnt like people until it suited him... Its so mind blowing im not surprised they are not any good in relationships..why did these children or adults not get any help sooner ..we went to an Autistic meeting forum..it was all about the parents coping with Autistic children...i asked if they had any meeting for Adults... Nothing ! No surprises their then...i wonder if these children today will be any better when they grow up after having had the help....any comments |
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Donald 11:07 PM Sun 2nd May, 2021 |
@Truth serum. Thank you for what you wrote for me. I really appreciated your thoughts. I am going to take your advice and look into the help that you told me about. Becoming codependent and trauma bonded through narcissistic abuse and neglect is difficult to break free from. But I know I deserve better that this - more than this, from a marriage. I have read your posts @truth serum, you have been through a lot. Is your life better now? Are you happier now? I think you managed to break free from the trauma bond with your husband. You have strength. You have a great understanding about all this. Some things that you wrote stood out to me. You wrote - “you talk about their ability to meet our emotional needs, so that we reciprocate appropriately. And the high cost of the NT being involved with someone who is mind blind is a loss of self, which is why treating our feelings like a third person in the relationship and removing ourselves from this one-sided dynamic is not only paramount for our health and well-being, it is the antidote, and self love heals the wound.” Another thing you wrote was - “because of the initial love bombing, it is almost impossible for us to see them for who they really are. They are unable to think like us, so the biggest trap is thinking they do - empathy trap.” One last one, that really rang true for me is “It isn’t up to someone else for us to feel valued or loved; our relationship with ourselves is the most important one we will ever have, and once that unconditional love (self respect) is well rooted, we will not settle for anyone, anyone who will violate our trust or disrespect us.” Thank you for your insight and help @truth serum. I would encourage other people like me, who are looking for answers and help to read more of your posts. I believe they are dated 1, 4, 8, and 11 January. And 27 April. They really do help you see things more clearly. For me, after 8 month of ‘love bombing’, at the start of the relationship, and I was in church saying - ‘I do’. What a fool I was. I just can’t believe it. I was so taken in, she treated me like a king. Like the most important and special man in the world. Soon after, it all changed. Now, this very day, 2 years after I said - ‘I do’, I feel totally invisible and unwanted. All she wants is her mobile phone and her job. No intimacy or interest in me. The result of trauma bonding for me, is that I can’t break the bond with her and leave to find a better life. I am so grateful that we don’t have children. And I already have a second home. So that is not an issue either. It is madness! I know how strange it all sounds. You could not make it up. Yes, the empath and the narcissist. You won’t know, until it’s too late. Then the real difficulty begins. Thank you for letting me share my thoughts, it helps me. I know that you are all feeling much the same, that is why we are here. For a better understanding, and to be able to put words to our pain and confusion. By sharing, maybe we can help each other, and hopefully move on to a healthier relationship in the future. I will find my strength, I know I will. Although it might sound like I have given up, nothing could be further from the truth. That is why I am here - to look for help. I do not, and never will accept this twisted reality, a world without empathy and proper love in a marriage. Please don’t you give up either. Ever. |
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Vicky 8:17 PM Sat 1st May, 2021 |
jacki - I am so sorry you are hurting. You write like we all felt after years of not getting our needs met. Your self worth is as low as it gets. I can only tell you that unless you start being selfish and finding your joy without attachment to him, you won't be able to crawl back to who you were before you entered this life. I was only able to do this through God, meditation, being in nature and slowly giving myself positive affirmations. You are worth love, kindness, compassion and you are seeking it from someone that can't/won't give it to you. I wish I could fix everything for you but I can't, you have to find a way to take care of yourself. I pray you find peace. |
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Annette 3:08 AM Fri 30th Apr, 2021 |
Julia....He did ask me to marry him...i said I didnt want to. Once was enough....he seemed happy with that and never mentioned it again..he often said he wished we had a child together...secretly i was thinking no...he couldnt even cope with son from his last marriage and dumped him off on me everytime he had a problem with him..... |
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jacki 8:00 PM Thu 29th Apr, 2021 |
I read everything here ive never written on a website, ive always been to scared too, all of our children are on the spectrum, and my grandson I don't know after 28 years how to keep going, im lost, feel nothing anymore, I have no friends left and after everything nothing ever changes, it is his way and only his way, it makes no sense to, how someone can not see how close I am to just ending everything, am I so stupid as I feel he makes out, I feel dead inside, there is nothing left inside me. I don't know how to keep going. my needs are relevant unless they coincide with his, I have supported him to create the career he has, ive raised our children alone, he has lied constantly, cheated and I pay the the price for the rest of my life with herpes he gave, and wo for him he is a-systematic, so he gets to live pain free. I get the reminder often that im not good enough. its a life that I did ask for, its total opposite to what I believed he offered and I no longer want to live as a doormat to his needs, he never hears me, and then throws shit back at me, im tired im so tired and nobody hears me |
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Laylah 12:40 PM Thu 29th Apr, 2021 |
I read the comments here. Although My story does not involve a partner. Now imagine that it’s not your partner but your mother and that you are a child and later an adolescent and dependant... that you reach adulthood brainashed into thinking that you are not functioning. And being unbelieved, because she was so good at hiding her abuse. She never did it with others present, even my father blamed me. I ended up putting a 1200 km between us and it still wasn’t enough... until the day they visited and I came home from work, finding my children crying in a corner. I kicked her out and she didn’t speak to me for 3 years. No endless phone calls, no inquisition anymore. Freedom. I was 36 at the time. Now she lost my father and is old. She is my mother and I took care of everything when my father died. I still do, through internet. Finances, bills, caretakers, the whole thing. But I live more than 3000 km away and the blame game, gaslighting, and the rest of the endless charade do not work anymore. I just say: eitjer you behave or you stop or you take care of your shit alone. And mean it. You need to mean it. The scars run deep but I got out. Sad to say that the only thing I feel now, is pity and contempt. Take care everyone, you are not to blame, it’s not your fault. |
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Elodie 8:58 PM Wed 28th Apr, 2021 |
@Amy - I experienced a very similar thing re marriage proposal. We were talking about marriage, and I said to my (undiagnosed aspie) partner that I wanted to be married by the time I was 45. This was when I was about 40. At 43, there had been no proposal or follow up conversation. I reluctantly brought it up again. He had no recollection of the first conversation. I was quite floored by this. It had been such a big conversation to me. We have since split up and I continue to read the testimonials here - so many very particular examples people are giving about their partners I can relate to. |
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Amy 1:02 PM Wed 28th Apr, 2021 |
@Julia and @Annette I've had horrific experiences with my Autistic ex and anything to do with marriage. In the beginning he talked about it in very romantic terms. Fast forward 3 children later and it being important to me, I ask him (In a really beautiful way) to think if this is something he wants and to let me know. 3 months later,no words. He said he forgot! (Imagine forgetting a basic marriage proposal!) Then 2 years later we talk and he says yes he wants to get married. I go to bed feeling excited and wake up the next day and he's acting like nothing has happened,distant,cold and mean. I mention something about organising it, and he says " Oh, I didn't mean a REAL wedding" I thought we would just do it symbolically. I'll just buy you a ring, but we won't be actually married. I was just astounded!! |
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Julia 5:11 AM Wed 28th Apr, 2021 |
@ Annette...at least he didn't ask you to marry him and then go back on his computer game when you are a 40yr old woman wanting to make a baby with this person :) and then next minute tell you how awful you are only after telling you how you are the most perfect woman on earth for them . |
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Annette 6:10 PM Tue 27th Apr, 2021 |
Follow on from last post..needless to say I never married him...if thats what engagement brought...then there was the constant paraphrasing...the terminology from various shows and the copying....if i made a comment to him the next day I got the same said to me...even now he is repeating what I say to the court..in the witness statement....i dont say anything now asnow as he keeps repeating it back to me.. |
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Truth Serum 12:45 PM Tue 27th Apr, 2021 |
@Donald. Your message is so heartfelt, that I had to respond. It took me 15 years to recognize and begin true recovery from the horrific trauma bond. This is where the term psychopath rings true...When someone is nice to you then mean, that is psycopathic behavior where they are forming the trauma bond with you..They use your empathy against you for their benefit. They need someone to throw their horrible behavior at so they don't have to deal with it, and the trauma bond will keep you there until YOU break it. I learned a lot from Melanie Tonia Evans who hones in on trauma bonding and how we cannot intellectually shift out of it; that is why abusers usually entrap highly intelligent people. The entrapment is one of the heart, and we have to take our giving nature (empathy) and turn it onto ourselves instead of them. Self-love repels narcissists; their tactics no longer have an effect; compassion for self is the key. Once I began looking at myself with my heart, I instantly recognized the wolf in sheep's clothing...The man who betrayed my very essence. My first reaction to the possibility of who he really is was denial...for years. I couldn't accept it. So I inevitably went through the stages of grief, and once arriving at acceptance, I began listening to hypnosis You Tube videos to help me sleep and deal with the anxiety and depression; and they worked...The trauma bond is broken. My favorite selections are John Moyer and I also listen to healing videos to get me through the day (the one I am listening to today is entitled "Music to unblock difficult situations"). I am strong now, and I am at the beginning of a new direction, even in my sixties. |
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Cathy 4:52 AM Tue 27th Apr, 2021 |
When I spoke to him even over basic things for example, I would be in the kitchen cooking tea and poke my head in the living room to ask if he wanted garlic bread or not ? I would have to ask three times before getting a response of "give me a minute" or silence. I would say NO I am talking to you cooking YOUR food I deserve a response....stop ignoring me ! He drove me insane. Police had to remove him him from my property. Think he gave the police officer silent treatment. My advice .... steer clear from autistic men. No matter how many gifts they buy you and all the promises they make. I'm shattered into pieces. |
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Annette 3:16 AM Tue 27th Apr, 2021 |
I have been reading all your latest Poasts.a...besides the love bombing I experiened aggression when my x partner wanted to get engaged...we went far away to a secret cottage..he made three attemps to pop the question while at restaraunt.. the outcome was was i cant do it here followed by agression..turns out he could only say it while we were in a place on our own..then it was forced and under duress...in the end I just took the ring and put it on my finger...strange To say the least....has anyone experienced anything like this.... |
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"Eric" 3:14 AM Tue 27th Apr, 2021 |
Will give an account of me and my wife. Going to make this as short as possible. I was sucked in by her whimsical innocence and constant attention. She was very intelligent. Her beauty caught my eye and kept me engaged. I would receive amazing care packages and was gifted many things. I reciprocated. We bonded after we both went through some very challenging times. I felt as if I had a duty or responsibility to stay. She told me of being autistic early on. "Very high-functioning as you can see", she said. It didn't phase me because I felt so good getting to know her. I would get long letters on how much she loved me at first. Then as time went on it tapered off. . .She said it was due to the "honeymoon phase" being over. The in person affection was a far cry from what I used to get. As time went on I also noticed something peculiar. All the shows that I watched with her were littered with all her catch phrases, especially when it came to the serious or emotional scenes. Fast forward a little. The times that hurt the most are when we can be sitting there and I try to initiate conversation. Sometimes I'm met with, "There's nothing to talk about. Nothing has happened since we last talked". This after my entire life dealing with neurotypicals, and more often than not, finding something to talk about. Her logic when it comes to these matters has me thinking sometimes maybe I'm the one who doesn't understand communication. Then I have an easy and insightful conversation with another NT, that reminds me how beautiful conversations can be. My point of view is almost always nearly wrong or "weird". Simple phrases that I've used most of my adult life such as, "I'm ready to wind down for bed" have a completely different meaning to her. That one causes her "brain to feel funny" when I use it. When She is pissed off it brings out the very logical part of her brain in full-force, and I'm torn to shreds. When she is in a relaxed state I get the equivalent of a 10 year old. She is very self-centered and most all our goals revolve around her special interests. Her meltdowns. . .that is a very fitting word. The screams I've endured while standing there and maintaining my cool are horrifying. The absolute refusal for what is deemed "heavy talk" is frustrating, and there is rarely closure to arguments. Any of this sound familiar? |
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Janet 11:17 PM Mon 26th Apr, 2021 |
@melody I could relate to every tiny detail of your experience. The thing you said that stuck out the most to me though was when you said you hoped the relationship would get stronger. This is true for normal relationships-the ups and downs create growing closeness, trust, and strength. Not true with someone with Autism. I remember thinking the same thing, that our bond would strengthen. But boy did he drop me like I was hot and never look back. They will stay if their needs are being met with relatively mild hassle. But they don’t really care beyond that. And your needs? Forget about that, and forget about the relationship getting stronger. It might strengthen in your eyes but these people are able to cut people out of their lives no problemo no matter what kind of “bond” you might think you have with them. It’s hard for us to even imagine but they only care on the most surface of levels. |
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Eliza 4:26 AM Mon 26th Apr, 2021 |
@melody gurl you hit the nail on the head. My ex was nice to me originally but as soon as he felt like he had me he treated me like dirt. Like I didn’t exist, no compliments and treated everyone else better than me. It was so confusing. And he’d only treat me well again when I threatened to leave. And he’d have the audacity to be surprised I wanted to leave! And no he didn’t give compliments at all, it was a huge issue for him. His friends and family loved me and I said well that’s the problem: everyone seems to love me but you. He’s just a jerk, he turned on the charm with everyone but me. I THINK it’s because they wear a mask for everyone they aren’t close to, and let their “true selves” out and take the mask off with those they are comfortable around (their significant other). But ironically that means they try the hardest for others and not us. I get WHY it happens but I want to be in a normal relationship where I’m treated well without the excuses. |
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Heinrich 1:54 AM Mon 26th Apr, 2021 |
One of the hardest parts for me is that they first love bomb a lot and make you feel very important to them. As if they wanted somehting real with you. And the very next second they just drop you like nothing has ever happened. I can't understand this. They go from one extreme to the other extreme. It is horrible. I can just warn people beforehand so they not have to endure what I endured. |
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Donald 12:48 AM Mon 26th Apr, 2021 |
@Melody I have read your post and I will try my best to give you my thoughts. First I suggest you take a look at a very good page on this site, it will help you more than I can. On the home page, click on ‘Why does my NT/ASD marriage partnership not work?’ (In red writing). The information here will help people understand things better. I have found it very valuable to me. You ask - why do we still want to be with them when it is hard for us? The words ‘love bombing’ and ‘trauma bonding’ come to me. Have you had quite an intense relationship so far, lots of ups and downs, beautiful times and heartbreaking times. This creates a strong bond for you. The chemicals in our brain crave that person, just like an alcoholic needs alcohol. I would like to point out that our autistic partner almost certainly won’t feel this same bond. Where we get attached to people and places, an autistic person does not. Their brains work differently. As much as we can love the love bombing at the start of the relationship, we are made to feel so special. This is usually where the abuse starts. I believe it is all lies, the love bombing, because I seriously question whether an autistic person can really feel and understand what love is. It is designed to get you ‘in’, just like a spider uses it’s web to catch a fly. And that usually never ends well. You also say - they are being nicer to outsiders, and start being hateful to us? They have ‘got us’ already, so they can start being more their true selves. They lack real and meaningful Empathy. Most of your questions can be answered with one word - Empathy. It wasn’t until I started studying psychology, that I began to truly understand empathy, and it’s importance in an intimate relationship. I would like to share with you something I read recently : “Science is now starting to show that people who lack empathy are actually unable to understand, perceive or identify emotions in other people. This is why they don’t care: they don’t understand. Not caring, of course, leads no never Wanting to understand and never even bothering to try”. You also say - that it is difficult to get a compliment from them. That is true, they have to be and feel ‘superior’. They want to be in control and to feel superior to you. So sometimes it can be difficult to get a compliment. Especially when it is not on - their terms. If you ask for a compliment, it is likely you will be met with coldness and defiance. But if ‘they’ decide to give you a compliment, when it suits them, then that will be better for them. Remember, they have the emotional capabilities of a 7 year old child (give or take). You also ask - has anyone ever had their aspie partners explain any answers to some of this stuff? In my experience, that is very difficult. When I think about this question, I want to say that they just don’t know themselves, or they don’t understand themselves. If you want answers, like I did, I had to start reading and learning about autism and narcissism. They go hand in hand. I thought my wife had NPD, until I learned about sensory processing disorder. That lead me to aspergers. You won’t get answers from them, the best that I can get from my wife, is that we both agree that we ‘think differently’. That is all I can get. I have talked to her about autism in the past, the result was that we split up briefly. I have learned never to use those words - autistic or narcissism. To her, she just thinks differently. She will never consider that she may be autistic. But I am not a professional, I don’t know for sure, but with my two years of studying, I am confident she has very high traits of autism and narcissism. It creates one strange relationship that’s for sure. I am still with her because I am so trauma bonded, and I love her very much. I suffer every day, feeling unknown and invisible. “Someone willingly walking the plank of doom” that is how @Vicky described me. @Vicky also wrote - my heart hurts for you. That you for your kind words Vicky, that means a lot to me. I read your posts Vicky, you have been through a lot, I’m glad things are looking better for you. I admire your strength and courage. Trauma bonding has still got its claws into me. I don’t know how to beat it, I feel it is too difficult. So I stay for now. I am not saying - forever. But just for the moment. In a month, 6 months, who knows. While I write this post, my heart is breaking. The robotic and uncaring nature of my wife, I feel invisible and unwanted. A simple and normal conversation - not possible with her. I want someone who will make me feel alive and important. Just like we all do. I take one day at a time. I don’t give up on my dream, so please don’t you give up either. I am a very private person, and I appreciate you letting me share my thoughts with you all. Thank you to everyone who has written in, I have read most of your posts and I feel for you all. We did not ask to be in this situation, but here we are. One last thought, remember - these people are autistic. Why do they do the things they do? Why do they behave the way they do? Why do we feel abused and neglected? Because they are Autistic. Our brains work in a different way. When I push my pain to the side, I still have love and compassion for my autistic wife. I love her with all my heart. And whether I like to admit it or not, part of the reason I married her - is because she is different. Thank you all. |
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Bridgette Elizabeth 11:11 PM Sun 25th Apr, 2021 |
Hi, Melody...I'd like to know the answer to all of that too. I've been with mine since 2004 with a divorce from him 2015. It was when I returned in 2016 after leaving in 2014 that I started searching things he was doing and discovered aspergers. It doesn't get any better. Everything you stated I echo. I don't know what I will do. Our daughter, my youngest, is 15 and I'm almost waiting for her to turn 18. My health and financial situation are other factors but I don't see living like this the rest of my life. Lord help us. |
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melody 10:42 AM Sun 25th Apr, 2021 |
hi, i've been reading some of these testimonies lately to try and understand my aspie from these last four years, does any one understand why when it seems to get bad if we break away we feel stuck to them like flypaper and always want to be with them even if it is hard on us? and what is with the nicer to outsiders but start being hateful to us who love them after they start to get used to you, i was taught to be good to those i love, not worser to them? and it like dragging a boulder thru a swamp to get a compliment from them, its like they are jealous or something if you are good at something or talent or expertise in something as well, they act like it does not exist, but expect you to know they have talent or expertise or are really good at something, mine will say others are good at things , which i am glad to know he will say so, but he will ignore anything is can do quite well, and delibertly keeps quite even if someone else tells me a compliment. but he wants me to acknowledge his talents, i just cant understand what this is. i am confused , has anyone ever had their aspie explain any answers to some of this stuff for i cant get answers from mine, he just gets real upset. its not a long relationship yet, but it keeps getting stranger, should i leave now or give it more time to become stronger, he does have some good qualities, but its like they have to police every thing or said or done to be in charge of the outcomes, instead of just living life easy with each other, thanks you all for sharing. |
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Vicky 9:02 PM Fri 23rd Apr, 2021 |
@donald - my heart hurts for you. I can't imagine how much my life would have been different if I left after only 3 years. I completely understand your trauma bond but I can promise you after more than 20 years I became a shell of my former self. I can't even begin to describe the lack of self worth and the sadness I feel for my younger self. Your study of psychology and knowing what you are dealing with reminds me of someone willingly walking the plank of doom. I hope the good moments truly give you some joy in life and it is worth it for you in the end. Please take care and know I only write this from a place of compassion. |
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Donald 7:41 AM Thu 22nd Apr, 2021 |
@April. Sorry for the pain you are in, I know and understand completely what it is like, being in an intimate relationship with an autistic person. Empathy and ‘your inner world’ do not mean much to an autistic person. They can only see and feel what is important to them, and often, that does not include us. We can cry, beg, try and reason with them, try and find that humanity inside then. And they just give us a blank stare. A stare that lets us know clearly how we mean absolutely nothing to them at that moment. Is there anything more heartbreaking? Anything sadder we could experience? When all we are just trying to do is reach out the person you love, the person who has told you a thousand times, that they love you more than the whole world. The conflict we feel in our own minds is so difficult to deal with. We want to leave them so much, get away from the pain. The daily emotional hangover. But we can’t, because we love them so much. We suffer the pain, because it is the only way to be with the person you love. @April it won’t get better, I’m sorry. He has changed, but what you are starting to see, is the ‘real’ him. The mask is coming off, they can’t keep pretending and acting forever. My wife changed about a year after marriage (we got married very quickly, her love bombing worked very well on me, I was so naive. We did not live together at the time), her defiant and objective nature started to show quite quickly. That, mixed with the no empathy, creates quite a toxic, abusive and damaged person. When she hurts me, I will repeat that, when she hurts me. And I get hurt - I then have to be punished for getting hurt. Every time she does or says something to hurt me, and if I get hurt by it, I will be punished. This is to do with her being very narcissistic, and she will suffer a narcissist injury if I tell her that she did something to hurt my feelings. Her no empathy and black and white thinking, well, any conflicts are never handled successfully. But after saying that, I work with her closely, the best I can to help her with her behaviour, and gently point things out to her, areas that we need to look at and work on to improve our marriage. I don’t say - her, I say - us. I study psychology now, it is the only way I am able to understand her. And it helps me too. She can be incredible as well, she works so hard and we have our great days. I love her so much, that’s why I stay. I suffer the abuse, the neglect, silent treatment, the feeling invisible and unknown, the gaslighting, invalidation, denial of my feelings. And much more. But I still love her, every day, every second. But I am trying to accept, the future is much more uncertain, when you live with and love an autistic person. She could walk away at any moment, and just leave, she has even told me that. She does not get attached to people or places or things. I have to live with that uncertainty. What I have just described, is not the person I met and fell in love with and married, she was so different in the beginning. So different. I have wanted to leave so many times, and to a large degree, I still do this very second. I never know when the monster in her will appear. And it is horrible knowing it is only a matter of time before it does. If I could go back in time - would I wish I had never met her, yes I believe so. The pain she has caused me, I can not describe properly. A NT with an Aspie, run away, don’t get involved. For me, it has been 3 years of narcissistic abuse. I take one day at a time. One conversation at a time. The narcissistic and the empath - by now, we will all have read a little about that. Cognitive dissonance, I can’t even describe how that feels, you will probably know. This site has really helped me, all your heartbreaking stories, and to know that I am not alone. It is mostly woman with their aspie husband’s I read about, but, yes it can happen to a man too. A man with his aspie wife. Please understand, it won’t get better, it never will. Not now, or not in three years. The number one reason relationships fail between a NT and an autistic person, is empathy and intimacy. Ongoing, those will be your problems, and please believe me when I say they are very very big problems. God bless you all. Take care. |
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Annette 12:18 AM Wed 21st Apr, 2021 |
I never personally went in for the love bombing stuff and the showering of gifts...I halted him on this..i actually told him he sounded like he was rehearsing for a play or something. I told him also that he cant buy people with gifts....the odd thing about it all is he always took notice of what I said...even to this day I got my solicitor to write to him from me to stop him stalking me on the phone with endless text message and he rang my brother so she asked him not to contact my family either...it ended when he got the letter...It was the only way to sever contact with.him..to try sort anything out with him was near impossible... |
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April 3:40 PM Tue 20th Apr, 2021 |
my aspie and I are in a long distance relationship and right as we were going to bed I started crying because I was thinking about how much i will miss him. Im leaving the country in a week. He didn’t ask if I was okay or why I was crying. He simply said can you use a tissue. Then I said your not going to ask why I’m crying? He sighed *annoyed* why are you crying? I went on to say I’m sad because I’m going to miss you. Then he didnt say anything and he turned his back to me... I felt so rejected and hurt I couldnt stop crying...he then became angry with me and telling me to stop shaking the bed and that I have no reason to cry. There was so much contempt in his voice and zero empathy. It was so upsetting and just made me cry more... he continued to get more angry. He has never been so cold like that. Especially If im crying..I feel incredibly ashamed and embarrassed... he has changed this last year and I feel like I should end it.. softly sobbing next your partner in bed who doesnt care is a pain that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. |
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Shirley 12:03 PM Tue 20th Apr, 2021 |
I don't presume to tell anyone else what to do, but if I had it to do over again I would have never married my husband. I have been married for over 50 lonely years to an undiagnosed Aspie. We first met when we were only 19 and married at 21. At first I just thought he was a sweet and shy boy who just needed to come out of his shell. Although he did court me (I know that's an old fashioned term, but remember this was 53 years ago), after we got married he began almost immediately to ignore me. Even though we were newlyweds, he didn't want to come to bed with me, preferring to stay up late to watch TV. No matter how late I would go to bed, he would stay up later. I would almost always have to initiate sex which usually had to be in the morning since he came to bed so late. We had four children whom I pretty much raised by myself since he would always stay at work late and didn't interact with them much. He preferred solitary activities like model building. I know I set a bad precedent in our marriage early because I smashed a model ship he was building, but I was so angry because he had not spoken one word to me in three days because he was so engrossed in his hobby. He never forgave me for that. The children kept me from getting lonely, but after they grew up I started getting lonely again because my husband and I had no meaningful relationship. I had no idea what the problem was since Asperger's or Autism Spectrum Disorder was not even talked about back then. We muddled along in our marriage, but never got along well. I could not leave him however because his Air Force career meant we moved every couple of years and I never got to make any permanent friends and had no family support. So I didn't think I could make it on my own. After my husband retired I really got to know him. He also let down his guard and didn't care anymore what anyone thought of him and that is when his Asperger's really became noticeable. We are together most of the time, but I am lonelier than ever, especially during this pandemic. He has grown abusive, calling me stupid if I disagree with him and telling me to shut up all the time. He never pays attention to anything I say and today he just walked off in the middle of a conversation (not an argument, just a regular conversation). He is getting more and more reclusive and solitary. At first I though he might have Alzheimer's, but our grandson was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder and I began researching it and my husband has the same symptoms. Our oldest grown son also thinks he has ASD. My husband acknowledges that he probably has ASD, but refuses to get diagnosed. I can understand that at his age (74), but it would be good to get some help with coping skills. He thinks I should got to counseling, but I think it should be both of us. Like I said I could have saved myself a lifetime of misery and loneliness if I had only know about Asperger's 50 years ago. Instead I am stuck in this marriage with a man who says he loves me, but almost acts like I don't exist. |
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Elodie 5:57 AM Tue 20th Apr, 2021 |
Mrs G - what you wrote - 'I find myself filling silences and then he often does not respond appropriately and so I will chatter on to fill that silence. It reminds me of talking to a somewhat sullen pre-teen or teen that doesn't want to talk.' I could relate to this so much. And I still kept doing it, even though I knew I would never get a different outcome other than the couple words or even worse, no response. I knew that if I stopped making conversation, then there would be none at all. I broke up with my aspie partner of 6 years about 6 months ago and am starting to feel joy again. Wishing everyone out there, wherever you are on your journey, lots of hope and encouragement. It is a lonely place. Discovering this forum saved me. |
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Annette 4:46 AM Tue 20th Apr, 2021 |
Hi all Hope things are getting better for you as time goes on...I do find it hard to decipher your posts when talking about the Aspie partner... when you mention others in your family / life you seem to revert to normal neurotypical talk....sorry may be me but does your partner make you speak or react in a different way because of how they behave...I became totally opposite...couldn't talk to him anymore or be understanding in any way..he totally knew what he was doing...he even asked his therapist how he could stop hurting me ,but at same time with that childish grin on.his face... |
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I'm Out 8:14 PM Mon 19th Apr, 2021 |
I didn't get into much detail regarding the man I dated for a yearish. My suspicion is while there may be aspects of ASD/AD, the more I got to know him, the more apparent his dark, disturbed and emotionally violent true self really is. Towards the end, he lashed out with narc rage and projection. Like everything else, it began with subtle push backs then progressively became all out war. It took almost a year before he would look me in the eyes. He is very secretive, hard to get ahold of and attacks me if I request the slightest thing. I feel like I know very little about him probably because he doesn't know who he is. I am trying to pull back and distance myself but am actually scared. |
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Mrs G 4:51 AM Mon 19th Apr, 2021 |
Hi @ Vicky and all, yes I too have noticed that I have acclimated to my spouse by having less vocal intonations, facial expressions, and my voice can become more robotic and flat. Eye contact becomes flat, darting, and meaningless. It's like there is just this weird feeling like something is off. It kind of reminds of how one feels when in the room with someone that you think doesn't like you or a person in a bad mood that you must tread carefully around. I find myself filling silences and then he often does not respond appropriately and so I will chatter on to fill that silence. It reminds me of talking to a somewhat sullen pre-teen or teen that doesn't want to talk. His responses can be scripted or one, a couple of words. He often does these strange childish funny faces instead of speaking or will flip the bird as a greeting. Oh Lordy, when I read that absurd sentence. What in the world have I been putting up with all these years? My communication becomes not who I really am when we are interacting. It's amazing how different I communicate, back to my old self, when I am speaking with own kids who are his step kids. Suddenly communication is based on deeper and more complex thought processes, emotions, and more nuanced reasoning skills. There's a lot more richness, meaning, fun, emotion, depth, personality, connection involved when interacting with my kids. My communication comes alive again with inflections, warm sustained eye contact, smiles, laughs, facial expressions, body language all of it. It's amazing to me to note the difference between interacting and communicating with my young adult son versus husband. That really sinks in and highlights to me the stark differences between a person on the spectrum and a neurotypical. It's amazing how my dear sweet son is very attuned to mom and her emotions, feelings, moods and will respond in ways to that. He is a very kindhearted, sweet young man and sadly I think senses that he must be there for mom because her husband does not really meet emotional, psychological needs. I am careful not to be too dependent or needy with my son as he has his own life to live and he does not need to worry too much about me. I don't want him feeling sorry for me or burdened by the situation so I try to maintain my well being through exercise, sleep, rest, meditation, etc to keep my spirits up in the situation. My son is highly attuned to others' feelings and will get upset and try to fix the situation if he senses that I am feeling down. My husband basically ignores my son and regards him as a pest, an insignificant just as his aloof and distant father ignored him. Husband cannot sense or intuit the inner life, inner world of my son or anyone else so it is no surprise there. |
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I’m Out 3:55 AM Mon 19th Apr, 2021 |
I found this site as my heart searches for a definitive answer that logic already knows. 40 and have been dating a late 40s man self dx with ASD for about a year or longer. He did not tell me about ASD until 6 months in. Whew! That explains it all. Immediately i felt an intense attraction. Having closed the door on a long and abusive relationship, you can imagine my excitement over meeting someone new; attractive, highly intelligence with common values. I was struck by some odd behaviors however. He almost always revolved conversations around himself, didn’t inquire about my life and never wanted to talk on the phone. No friends and didn’t get emotionally close. Slowly, i noticed who he portrayed himself to be was slipping away. He became defensive, arrogant and began cancelling dates. I tried to end things and he didnt seem to care. Then, a week or two later, he would come back. This started the love bomb, make-up, fight cycle. It was always my fault. I allowed this behavior for over 8 months. It is humiliating. Each time gets worse. I know this man faked who he was/is. I need to courage to move on. I’m sure i stayed because i didnt want to suffer the loss of another relationship. He doesnt want anything serious and God help him. He is impossible and cruel. He wouldnt help when i was seriously sick and ignored me the night i needed to go to the er. Thankful for the stories here but saddened by the torment everyone has endured. It is comforting to know WE ARE NOT CRAZY AND NOT ALONE! |
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Cathy 5:19 AM Sun 18th Apr, 2021 |
I'm new here but I have been reading for a while now. Many stories I can relate to which is why I'm posting because I need help. I am 40 and he is 25. We met in work almost three years ago. He asked me out Dec 2019. He moved into my home March 2020 (just before pandemic UK ) Relationship ended when police removed him from my home January 2021. The third time I had to phone for help but begged them not to arrest him. They arrested him and he got put on bail. We work together at the same place. Btw..he told me he was diagnosed with Autism as a child. I am still off sick 3 months later and suffering financially. 3/4 loveliest man on earth ....1/4 hell ! We were trying for a baby. He has totally ghosted me since. I honestly thought I'd finally found the man of my dreams. |
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Annette 6:42 AM Sat 17th Apr, 2021 |
Vicky..I can understand what you are going through....20 years is a long time..I.was divorced after 25 years.. I was made homeless then...now it's all happening to me over again..only my husband was not an Aspie...but still a difficult marriage...its now 10 months since I split with my Aspie partner of 14 years. |
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Vicky 8:35 PM Fri 16th Apr, 2021 |
@annette - I am sorry if I said anything offensive and I may have projected my own nightmare which caused a misinterpretation of what you wrote. I truly just wanted to add what I chose to do to deal with my ex. I am getting healthier as each day goes by but after 20 years I realize I need to be kind and fair to myself and not expect a complete recovery in the 10 months since our divorce. This is the hardest journey I have ever taken but the benefit to my well-being is worth it. I really just wish the same for everyone on the site. |
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Annette 12:56 AM Thu 15th Apr, 2021 |
Vicky Perhaps it's your rage and anger you feel..a reminded of when you went through a bad time...I understand what your saying....I post a few items in bite size pieces...easier for others to understand..rather than a long written story....which can be the end get misconstrued....too much to take in at one go...I'm sure you are well on your way to getting better now...good luck for the future... |
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Annette 6:33 PM Wed 14th Apr, 2021 |
Vicky...I was referring to the written witness statement. I would be in contempt of court if I lied...same for him if he does but he has already played the Asperges card.and this being a trait of theirs.im sure you know where I'm going with this... I dont or never intended to go in to court with rage or anger...we already had one hearing and it went well . Not sure what gave you that idea. Hope all is well with you and you are getting over your breakup...take care |
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Elizabeth 5:28 PM Wed 14th Apr, 2021 |
@Vicky Yes I can relate 'i became like a robot like him and spoke calmly and factually' Yes once you spend time with an Aspie in the romantic/intimate arena you do tend to kind of 'becone like them' because they see emotions as irrelevant and nuerotypicals as somewhat ridiculous because we have emotions and good emotional intelligence/expression Your point about realising this is the way they are is also correct accept that And once you do you will see they are very ONE DIMENSIONAL hence the 'roboticness' When you start to step back and pull away from them (Because after nearly 5 months with my Aspie ex I realised explainations and expecting him to understand certain things was fruitless and quite frustrating) You do then see them as quite irrelevant in the sense that you realise THIS IS WHO THEY ARE Weather masking or not or has narcissistic traits also or not becomes irrelevant My Aspie ex presented as passive calm gentle with good intellect good intelligence financially secure excellent in his career field cute and has friends/acquaintances and with a somewhat childlike innocence and gentlemanly to begin with However ASD/Asperger's traits can only come to light by spending time with them over months It is not something you would recognise immediately Because I noticed something was a little bit off especially in social setting even with his own friends when we would go out I slowed down the pace from the beginning and said I wanted time to get to know him which for me was 1 date per week Hence even after 5 months I did not invest too much on an emotional level We had many hours of conversations and he did give in an insight shall we say to the Aspie world I ended it with him by basically seperating him as a person ie his good qualities as a person his intellect diligence to work etc And then looking at the traits of the disorder of Asperger's that I knew I wouldn't be able to cope with on the intimate partner level So by doing that I was able to end things with him amicably And he asked if we could stay friends which I agreed to Because although he wasn't suitable for me as a partner He did teach me certain things along the way (and life is all about learning) I care for him now as a friend today he is at my daughter's new home installing her new shower system he was always very helpful on the practical side as his work is his special interest he works 7 days per week Going internal and blaming myself over his Asperger's was pointless I am not responsible for that he is Nor is it my job to change/try to fix another person accepting that that is the way they are is key He is a good friend But that is all it can ever be I think even the most patient understanding and caring person would struggle in an intimate relationship with an Aspie |
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Annette 5:10 AM Wed 14th Apr, 2021 |
Vicky. I have not seen or spoke with my Aspie x for 9 months...the hearing was held on the phone..I cant understand how you have come to the conclusion and by what the judge said he has become more amicable than he was initially...I suggest you read my posts again because you have totally misread the situation...I was telling my story same as everyone else.. |
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Annette 4:46 AM Wed 14th Apr, 2021 |
Vicky..not sure how to answer that...you seem to have misunderstood what I was saying... I have successfully gone through one court case with no rage whatsoever,. Its worry I have over losing my home and wondering where I'm going to end up. His lies make the court case difficult.but it does annoy me when he tells lies about me... Thanks for your concern but I think you you have read far too much in to my situation.. |
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Annette 12:42 AM Wed 14th Apr, 2021 |
I must say I wouldn't bother trying to work out differences between psychopath and narcissism et etc..would not give it reign nor time..it is what it is and they are what they are...its not worth spending your recovery time trying to work it out..try to get on with our lives best we can would be time better spent... |
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Vicky 9:14 PM Tue 13th Apr, 2021 |
@Annette - I can actually feel your rage when I read your posts. You are completely justified based on everything that is happening. I will tell you that your rage will put off people in the justice system and label you as "unstable" which will affect your legitimacy. We have all discussed how well our asps present to others so my opinion & personal experience is try to calm down your rage and just handle this professionally and try and avoid the personal. I became like a robot like him and spoke calmly and factually. It made a world of difference on how I was received. The ability he had to trigger my rage was in about 1/2 a second but once I started meditating and taking calm breaths and saw him as insignificant as he saw me, it allowed me to handle things smoother. I realized he was making me crazy, I would feel my body shaking when I had to see or speak with him and realized how unloving I was being toward myself and it made me cry. I know you have a lot working against you right now but he is still causing you so much pain through your rage. Anger has always been my comfort zone when dealing with injustice but I know what is behind my anger is hurt, sadness and pain. I hope you are able to handle the future court cases in a way that have a less destructive impact on your life. Take care!! |
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Cathy 7:13 PM Tue 13th Apr, 2021 |
@ghostinashell thank you for your kind and supportive words. The kindness and understanding of fellow sufferers helps immensely. |
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Eliza 10:10 AM Tue 13th Apr, 2021 |
Hey everyone, quick update. The undiagnosed aspie I was with said we are done, and 3 weeks later he’s love bombing me... because he wants me to watch his dog when he’s out of town. So now he’s texting and calling and he brought me roses, and saying everything I wanted him to say for a year. But it’s not for me, it’s because he wants me to watch his dog! So I’m refusing to see him in person or talk on the phone. I have responded to a few texts reiterating I’m done. But ultimately it just goes to show what they’ll do to someone else’s psyche just to get what they want. They will literally fake love to keep someone in their life to make their life easier. |
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Anna 4:58 AM Tue 13th Apr, 2021 |
Honestly it doesn't matter at all what is diagnosis of highly disturbed toxic person: if that is psychopath, sociopath, narcissist, Aspergers or some crosover or those. Person on receiving end of that illusion called "love" will be left in pieces, with shattered soul and whole being while they will walk away as nothing happened. There are many posts by David in those testimonials that are nicely putting that into words. Those testimonials are the only one place in internet validating our crazy making experience with those individuals and I found that so valuable! Testimonials were/are my absolutely priceless source of real life experiences. I was able to understand so much what happened to me from reading other people stories and being on my healing journey. One day I think I will be ready to write my own as well here. As for now everyday I'm so grateful for all your stories. For all kind word from all people before me and those that will post after me. |
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ghostinashell 4:38 AM Tue 13th Apr, 2021 |
@Cathy, don't be too harsh on yourself, you're not responsibile for your husband's problems. You did what you thought was best for you and your family and you have tried so hard by yourself to keep your family together. You must have put up with so much, I am truly sorry. |
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Annette 12:54 AM Tue 13th Apr, 2021 |
Truth serum. It does matter what the diagnosis is.. We have a justice system and they lie..and on many occasions get away with it...as in my circumstances he continues to tell lies. .they dont hold him I contempt of court...yet I would be...you need to see the whole picture...although not aware of any one on here who has had a custody battle or being thrown out of their home...I stand to loose everything. He doesnt care less...or about my two knee operations. He told the solicitor that my surgery was not relevant. |
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Annette 12:23 AM Tue 13th Apr, 2021 |
Ghost in a shell I hear what you are saying. I'm still in the throes of court hearing about our house....he has already lied to the court about me...I expect cause he put that he has Asperges he will get away with it...these people need to be challenged just like the rest of us. .they know what they are doing...if they can dupe us in to thinking they are ok and mask this behaviour..they must know what they are doing....I.e .my hairdresser was listening intently when I was talking about their traits..straight off he said so they know what they are doing then..his words not mine... |
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Cathy 4:25 PM Mon 12th Apr, 2021 |
I have not been on here for a while, immobilised with a mixture of guilt and the thought that I must handle my feelings myself. What I am so grateful for though, is this platform, it is a safe place to air our inner most thoughts about our spouses. Abbey, I read your testimonial and my heart goes out to you, the madness, the gaslighting, the feeling of utter hopelessness, I hear you. I have not long been awake after a fretful and sleepness night, waking up throughout the night with panic attacks after an evening's conversation with my oldest daughter, now in her 30's. I'll call her Lou. Firstly, I cannot express how much I love her, she is beautiful inside and out, feisty and hardworking, fun and supportive. I am immensely proud of her. I don't often see her, she lives away but we keep in regular contact. However, I hadn't realised how deep the resentment of her father goes. I was shocked and saddened and blame myself, a lot. Who stays with someone who is so mentally abusing? What was shocking to her was that she had no idea that he was so abusive to me, financially, mentally and on occasion physical (throwing me to the ground when I was pregnant) for not tidying up or something, I can barely remember my offence, just how distraught I was. He has grabbed my wrists, shouted in my face, described my personality in the most abusive terms. She felt as if she lived in a mad house, that our relationship (husband and me) was toxic. Yet I thought I'd hidden it so well. My philosophy was always to 'get on with it', forgive him, move on for the sake of the children. Yet now I question everything because Lou said she wouldn't have blamed me or minded if I'd left him. I look back and wonder why I didn't? Have I messed her up for life by allowing her and my precious other children to live with him? His crazy ideas, his nonsensical notions about life, his misogyny, his inability to cope with or enjoy family life. His constant criticism and pedantic ways. How can I look back now after 32 years of marriage and say yes, I did a good job? He is a bully, he bullied the kids, the shouting and nasty remarks, honing in your sensitive issues and bringing them to the fore. I ignored all the red flags, because when I first him, I fell truly, madly and deeply in love. Once the babies came, he grew two horns. He couldn't cope with noise, responsibility and the hustle and bustle of family life. He had jobs, but fell out with his co workers, always thinking he was better. He checked out of being in any way responsible for providing for his family. I worked, with young children, took responsibility for the family, housework, cared for an elderly family member. I did it all, the stress was immense. But it was never good enough, I was 'ineffectual' and if I pointed out that he did nothing I was verbally abused. I stopped pointing it out and took it. So now, I look at my beautiful daughter and feel so devastated that she didn't have the childhood she deserved. His crazy ways, his bullying and financial meanness have been deeply wounding for her. I do blame myself, but at the time, although I wanted to leave and would have had the support of my family. I just couldn't. I was fearful of him, scared of the shouting, I wanted the kids to have a father. I didn't have the courage to up and leave, he'd done a good job on me because I felt so downtrodden and undeserving. Yet there were good times and it was all I could do to keep us together as he veered from one crazy idea to another. My poor Lou is so resentful, I am so sorry, I don't know what to do other than love her and ask for forgiveness for not protecting her. I always planned to leave him once the kids had up and left, I feared growing old in an abusive relationship and as I've grown older, I stand up to him. The whole sadness now is that he is very unwell, I am locked into this marriage because morally I cannot leave him. He is vulnerable now, grateful for my care. He couldn't live independently and I still cook, clean, drive him to appointments, care for him. He has mellowed, he is appreciative. I love him, I don't like his ways but I am there for him. But I don't think the entrenched guilt of bringing up my kids in the madness will ever, ever go. |
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Time to talk 4:21 PM Mon 12th Apr, 2021 |
Being with him is akin to being the target in a long, drawn out, evil magic trick. When you first meet him, he's Dr Jeckyll, all smiles and affection, charm and wit, quirky and intelligent, everything you ever wanted in a man. But very slowly, insidiously, the man you gave your heart to and invited into your life and home, begins to turn into Mr Hyde, a manipulative, cold-hearted, uncaring monster. It happens so slowly, over many months and years, that you don't see it happening until it's too late and then, wham, one day, you realise with crystal clear clarity, that this wonderful man has morphed entirely into a completely different person. You begin to understand that the Dr Jeckyll persona was an act, put on to fool you and lure you in. He was, in fact, Mr Hyde all along! |
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ghostinashell 1:51 PM Mon 12th Apr, 2021 |
@Annette I firmly believe that what people write here is very real and should be regarded as such. I have lived some of this stuff first hand, although not for such a long time or to the same extreme degree that some people had to endure. I am lucky in that respect, but I do know where you're coming from and I genuinely sympathize. Some people here are desperate, others are very angry or resentful and I feel the same sometimes, that's what extended, excruciating pain makes you feel like. We want to find an explanation to make sense of what we're going through and finding a culprit is part of that effort. It's like trying to lift a huge weight off our shoulders and finding someone or something to take that burden for us. Please, don't misunderstand what I'm saying as an attempt to diminish yours or other people's experience, that's not what I want. What I want is for us to get past that suffering and that rage in order to heal. Maybe those that have hurt us deserve to be blamed, maybe they are horrible people, maybe we could typecast all aspies as psychopats, narcissists, sociopaths or anything that could back the awful injustice of what happened to us with a scientific, reassuring explanation about who the bad guy is, but at the end of the day the main question: is this any good for us? Once we have found our truth, are we going to feel better? I don't think this is about being right or wrong, it's about freeing ourselves from the deadlock we're trapped in. That's why I suggested to focus on ourselves, on increasing our self-awareness, so that we can find purpose within us and be autonomous individuals. As long as we hate someone, even when they deserve it, we're still dependent on them, we're still prisoners of the past. We have to break that final bond. I find it very hard to do that most of the time. Today I was feeling bad, thinking how, even after all this time, she's still in the back of my mind every single day. I bet she doesn't feel the same about me, does she? To her it must feel like I never existed. Why did she do this to me? When I think about it, I realize that sometimes I hate her because her rejection reminded me of how much I hate myself. She confirmed my sense of worthlessness. It's a deep, ceaselessly consuming pain. But what's the point of keeping on thinking about it all if it makes me feel so bad? I look forward to the day when I won't feel the urge to come to this site anymore, that would mean that I am finally free. |
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Truth Serum 9:51 AM Mon 12th Apr, 2021 |
@Annette. I'm with you. For one thing, there is a significant overlap in diagnoses when one is on the spectrum; up to 70% of children with ASD have at least one co-occuring psychiatric disorder, and adults on the spectrum will also experience high rates of comorbidity, the most common being mood disorders and ADHD. In fact, because of the high comorbidity, clinicians have to rule out ADHD when determining psychopathy in their patients, as the diagnosis is often not one or the other, but both. "202 Ways to Spot A Psychopath" is perhaps the best book I've read that clearly defines what happens in a relationship dynamic with a disordered individual, including and especially why a neurotypical has tremendous difficulty in escaping the unhealthy situationship. And if anyone thinks they are immune to the masking of fake personas, even the most experienced therapists can and have been duped. However, as David who commented on this forum stated, it doesn't matter whether they have a diagnosis or not, how we want and expect to be treated is what is important. This is enough validation for me to come to resolution. |
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Annette 1:02 AM Mon 12th Apr, 2021 |
My slit was decided for me when my Aspie partner committed assault and damage at my home...I had to ring the police because he was threatening me. He was clearly getting worse as he got older...he told me he would never harm me...rich coming from some one whom mentally abused me.....physical no I must admit but he came near to it... |
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Annett 12:53 AM Mon 12th Apr, 2021 |
Ghost in a shell.. are you a critic on this site...or did you live with some one who has Asperges..most of our experiences are genuine...many people stay with partners who are not really compatible that are not Asperges..they have children to consider and also their livelihood and their home...to split sometimes has a detrimental affect on their lives as well as their children. |
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Annette 12:13 AM Mon 12th Apr, 2021 |
Ghost in a shell... I.was with my Aspie parner for 14 years...he was.not diagnosed until 5 years ago...as I aid ..he continued to cross the line in many situations not necessarily to do with the relationship.. I found myself telling him what was appropriate and what was not....trying to fix them is a trait of the neurotypical...when you realise you want out cause you cant change them..never will...does that explain why partners wives stay with them for so long... |
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Annette 7:06 PM Sun 11th Apr, 2021 |
Abby..I feel for you...I too suffer from depression..Aspies use this vulnerability for their own needs.. never helped me just caused me two nervous breakdowns. Only interested in his own wants and needs...the control and shouting plus threatening to leave if I said anything he didn't like... When he caused assault and damage on my home I called police...I'd had enough...things never got any better just worse as the years went on... Needless to say he was in denial to everthing he had done...and the lies .well that's a other story. |
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Annette 6:32 AM Sun 11th Apr, 2021 |
My Aspie totally ignored me at christmas 2 years running...we had arranged to go to my families ..he told his Son to come to ours when he knew we had made plans. When I asked His son what he was doing at christmas..he looked at me in disbelief..then his dad started to abuse me verbally.. his sons response to that was my dad has had a hard life..he refused to acknowledge that his dad has Asperges....his sister said she was upset when I first told her but she is alright now...Any comments. |
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Abby 4:50 AM Sun 11th Apr, 2021 |
I just don't know whwre to turn. I have been with my aspie partner for 5 years and the constant anxiety and paranoia from him is tearing me apart. I suffer from depression anyway, which is awful at the moment. I don't even know who i am anymore. I feel like i will never be able to keep up with his expectations of a relationship. I can be incredibly loving and affectionate, but the moment i don't cuddle him back in the right way he completely dismisses everything i do for him and focuses on that one wrong. He will stay in a mood with me and make the same round about arguments all the time which never get resolved. He is never in the wrong. Being in a relationship with him is such hard work - like a full time job of standing on eggshells, i love him but i feel like jumping off a Cliff. |
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Eliza 7:20 PM Sat 10th Apr, 2021 |
Hi everyone, wanted to update you all on what’s going on, and also hopefully help others out there dealing with similar situations. Almost 3 weeks ago the guy (undiagnosed aspie) I was seeing told me he was “done,” left no room for discussion, dropped me off at my house and drove off without a second look. Hey—got it, message received. BUT last night guess who called asking me to watch his dog. It’s been radio silence for 3 weeks and you know I wasn’t going to reach out, he said he was done so that’s that. But when he needs something he pulled the, “why can’t we make this work, you were pressuring me, that’s why I ended it. I just ended it because you were pressuring me”—basically saying as long as I change we can get back together because it was all my fault. Zero apologies for overreacting, no “I miss you”, no taking responsibility or even caring about what I’ve been up to for 3 weeks. This guy is delusional. He made me cry at restaurants multiple times, belittled and berated me for being selfish (after I watched his dog, cooked his favorite meals, picked him up from the hospital, etc.). BUT I have to thank him for setting me free because 3 weeks out the fog lifted, I’m not in the trauma bond, and guess what? I’m looking forward to at some point meeting another NT, someone who doesn’t flinch at my touch, gives compliments now and then, and is generally a happy person. Oh and someone who is thoughtful too. As others have said before you aren’t asking for much, you’re asking for the bare minimum and at least to this guy even that was a huge effort. I didn’t realize how much I compromised until we spent 3 weeks apart and I just focused on me, instead of constantly being concerned about his needs with no reciprocity. Remember you deserve better, it’s okay to want to be hugged or complimented, or to want a grown adult to clean up their mess or be respectful of you, your values, and your things. Oh and you know what else is fun? Eating what I want instead of the same five things he liked. So yeah, take time for yourself to let the fog lift and decide what you really want. I needed that time and honestly I’m grateful to him for it, because it gave me the space I needed to know I was better off without him. |
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Heinrich 1:40 AM Sat 10th Apr, 2021 |
Did your Aspie make up things about you as well? The Aspie I dated did. At one point he just claimed I had a girlfriend (we are both gay). At another point he said we couldn't talk about politics because I voted for the party ??? which is left-wing. He was a right-winger. Though I am left-leaning, I did not ever vote for the party he claimed I voted for. One day he just claimed that the reason why I canceled our date the day before was because I partied with my friends - even though I told him that there was a larger project at university which took longer than expected. It wasn't like he asked or assumed. For him it was bitter reality. In his world I really did all of these things. |
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ghostinashell 1:16 PM Fri 9th Apr, 2021 |
@Heinrich Many decades ago autism was linked to psychopathy by Hans Asperger himself and by others, like Bruno Bettelheim, but I think it's safe to say that they have nothing to do with each other. Conversely, I noticed in mine and other people's experiences that aspies often manifest traits of narcissistic behavior. I doubt that they're actually and mainly narcissistic, but maybe their weak psychological and emotional connection with others causes a precarious sense of self, which in turn creates those narcissistic elements in their personality. I recommend you to read the article 'Narcissist vs. Sociopath vs. Psychopath: What’s the Difference?' by Laurie Hollman, it may help you to figure these things out. I also would like to suggest to all the other people here who are still struggling to overcome the suffering brought about by their experience to try and think about their role in their relationship. Some time ago I asked why many of you had stayed for so long despite all the evidence that the situation was extremely difficult and unpleasant to say the least. The explanations seem to focus on the aspie partners' ability to mask, their good looks, bonds caused by children, economic or other practical circumstances. I think though that it would be more helpful to shift our attention on ourselves, and especially on which part of our personality made us become so attached in the first place. Sometimes what we think we want in a partner isn't exactly what we're unconsciously looking for. We should start asking questions about us, not to blame ourselves, but to get in touch with our deepest motives and feelings. We can't change who hurt us and we can't undo the past, but becoming aware of who we are and what we want is paramount to make sense of what happened, make peace with ourselves and avoid repeating the same mistakes. |
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Annette 5:02 AM Fri 9th Apr, 2021 |
To add to all this suffering my x Aspie put a paper in to court to enforce the sale of our house..saying that he has Asperges and I had Bipolar.and that I never worked and he paid all Mortgage Bill's etc...I.dont have Bipolar and I did work...only an Aspie could stoop this low...any comments on this...I'm about to be made homeless if the judge goes with him. |
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Free 12:33 AM Fri 9th Apr, 2021 |
I, and many women the world over, have been socialized to believe that "love conquers all." We are unprepared to leave a toxic situation, believing we are at fault and our "sacrificial love" will somehow make someone change for the better. We need to truly LOVE OURSELVES FIRST. Then, and only then are we able to be in relationship with others. If we begin a relationship with someone who misrepresents themselves, as we have experienced with Aspies, we need to love ourselves and leave. Before, during, and after we will need love and support from friends, family, etc. We may need to rehearse our departure. We may need to imagine how we we will be in years ahead if we do not leave. Leaving will be painful, yes! Worth it, yes! Time and distance are our friends. Love yourself. Leave. Live. |
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Denise 5:48 AM Thu 8th Apr, 2021 |
My ex is super good looking too and very successful. I literally just saw a picture of him with whom I believe to be his new supply. Posted only two mos after the discard. Happy to say that I’m ok! I have a tremendous peace knowing they will have the same outcome as myself and the ones before me. Looks are not everything. A good man is! |
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vicky 6:17 AM Wed 7th Apr, 2021 |
Karen & Heinrich - My ex asp was also very good looking (I am embarrassed to say that is possibly why I put up with him for so long) and appeared normal but quiet to others. I left after 20 years and really wish I would have listened to my gut and left much earlier. The toll these relationships take on our self worth is devastating. I think what shocks me the most after leaving the situation is the constant thoughts I had in defending his behavior with "he is a nice guy". However, in reality he was not a nice guy. He was selfish, neglectful and emotionally destructive. I like the explanation I heard on why we still linger/ruminate with these relationships, because we are trying to make sense of years of nonsense. Our brains just can't fathom how a person can act this way yet look so normal and appear normal at times. It is mental anguish. I hope one day he doesn't even cross my mind, then I know I am healed. |
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Annette 4:39 AM Wed 7th Apr, 2021 |
I lived with an asperges man for 14 years diagnosed 5 years ago..always knew something wasnt right...perfectly fine for 6 months then cracks began to show. I even put on my then relationship status on Facebook...its complicated..only one difference to the testimonials I've read on here...I had a chemical imbalance and was on lithium to keep it controlled..not so with the asperges man..I had two breakdowns...our relationship became very toxic as the years went on. We are now separated for 9 months and he endeavours to drag me in to court to force me out of the home..whilst he lives comfortably in a nice house with his Son..I'm in need of 2 billateral knee replacements and can barely walk..let alone move house . A. |
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Karin 4:06 AM Wed 7th Apr, 2021 |
As so many have said, thank God for this site! I can't verbalize how sad I feel for those so beaten down that the only escape option they can envision is getting hit by a bus. I hear you and I've been there. I'm only 1/3 of the way through these testimonials, but I wanted to add mine from the perspective of a woman married for 31 years to what I believe is an undiagnosed HFA man. We have two nearly grown children and from the outside, a great marriage. He retired early from a well-paying good job, we have a lovely home, and are financially stable. He is not physically abuse, messy, or has poor hygiene. He is handsome, intelligent, and athletic. He is fun at parties and clever. But he has always had quirks, even from the time we started dating. They bugged me, but they were also sorta funny. These include - and still include - mimicry (mimicking sounds, repeating short lyrics, adopting different ways of speaking and laughing after spending time with people from different regions or with different speaking styles) and rocking (must have rocking char everywhere he goes!). But as he's gotten older (or maybe now that our children are older and I'm more in tune with his behaviors), the not-cute behaviors are intensifying. He never apologizes cuz somehow it's usually my fault and besides, apologies mean nothing; he doesn't listen well and complains I'm too sensitive; he's angrier and more black & white in discussions; his hand movements while talking are increasing; and he shuts down completely when a conversation gets too intense...with the added "You better be careful what you say. Are you sure you want to go down that path?" to boot! ("What path," I ask. "What path? The yellow brick road?" And no I don't actually say that.) There's more, but you get the point. My message to those in the early stages of a relationship with a potential HFA individual: CAREFULLY consider whether to enter a long-term relationship or marriage with a man or woman who has any ASD symptoms. On the day we married, I was questioning whether this was the right thing to do. We broke up many times while dating and I always took him back, doubting my own gut instinct. His verbal abuse is subtle, like water torture as someone mentioned. I am constantly reminded what a great guy he is. But he does say, "If you ever leave me, I will hunt you down." He says like a joke, even in front of other people. It creeps me out. The phrase "It's always about you, isn't it?" has been a constant in our relationship. This is especially hurtful because I do so much for him - other people see it - but he lives and acts like the sun revolves around him. I do not know what I will do going forward. I'm only at the beginning stages of this ASD discovery journey. The glory part for me is that I'm now the one with the good paying steady job. He retired early, so I feel financially stable. That in itself is a powerful ego trip for a battered soul. But it's little comfort when what I want is a loving, healthy, nurturing relationship. The loneliness is awful and has increased the more I realize how incapable he is of making long-term sustained change. He is what is. But I am what I am. Peace and love to all. |
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Heinrich 9:13 AM Mon 5th Apr, 2021 |
Hi, I am back at this site again. It has been a year since the contact ended with him ... one year and some months since we saw another the very last time. I thought I was over him. But I saw a picture of him today. And I got flashbacks. He was really, really, really attractive. We had some good times. I just don't get why he mistreated me so badly. Like, we had good moments. And all of a sudden he is just angry. It was like he was manipulating me. All of his exes ended with depression. I don't think I have depression, though. But that was what he told me the very first time we met: that all of his exes got depression. He joked that it was hopefully not because of him. At one point he told me that he was sure that I would be annoyed with him. I don't know, I don't get it. It is like he played with me. I don't know the difference between psychopathy and autism to be honest. I mean, he looked so normal but treated me so terrible. I don't know. I just needed a place to write this. Thank you for listening. |
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Eliza 2:30 AM Sun 4th Apr, 2021 |
Hi everyone, thanks so much for responding @Kitty and @ghostinashell, I’m taking your comments to heart. Another thing someone said is we fell in love with someone who doesn’t exist, and that comment helps a lot too—for closure and knowing that there isn’t a light at the end of the tunnel, it would never get better only worse, and no we aren’t wrong or missing something for not going back. Like others have said: to other people they are caring, kind, and sometimes even thoughtful. But to their significant other they aren’t. Tasks and other people always come before their significant other—and ironically the person they should try hardest for and treat the best gets the dregs of whatever is left over. As long as they aren’t too tired, emotionally drained from masking for others, and it’s the right time with the right lighting, temperature, etc. I also found the verbal abuse was from wrong conclusions they drew out of things that didn’t even make sense. Assuming ill intentions for no reason, thinking a facial expression like a smile is a smirk or sneer when that expression wouldn’t make sense for the situation—and I don’t really smirk and NEVER sneer. It’s the assumption of a negative expression or negative outcome when those aren’t the case at all. I think those accusations regarding intentions hurt the most. When I don’t think any of us would have stayed without having the best intentions—trying to emphasize with someone we thought was a partner. |
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Mrs. G 4:28 AM Sat 3rd Apr, 2021 |
I have clearly now identified that both my husband, his father, and his sister are on the Autism Spectrum. For many years, I thought his dad and sister were psychopaths or sociopaths but now I understand that they have very limited empathy and Theory of Mind due to their Autism. I am realizing how much this has really affected me over the years with being married into this family. I have often felt very angry with all three of them perceiving that they are unkind, selfish, spiteful, or cruel to me. I see now that they often view others as irritants or ones to manipulate in order to get what they need and this is very hurtful to the human on the receiving end of this. I see that they all three self medicate their anxiety, low moods, and over stimulation from being out in the world with various things. Father in law was an alcoholic but had a very successful career as a medical professional. I see now that they are all three rather negative, low mood and interpret and perceive people, life in this way. People annoy and irritate them mostly. They are happiest in their insular routines at the computer, tv, or alone working on left brained tasks which their self medicating substances. My husband is really not fun to be around as he does not get much enjoyment from being with me or getting out and doing things. He becomes overstimulated and annoyed easily by people and situations. He is best in the house by himself within his routine. I see now that parts of me have diminished and become hurt by associating with these people that are so different from how I naturally think, function, view the world. My inner emotional life has become diminished and stunted as their reactions to me are off. They are not able to perceive my inner emotional, psychological states and so I feel hurt, let down, unheard, invisible, and ignored as if I have been talking to a brick wall. This is painful when this happens time and again and over time it is very psychologically damaging and emotionally stunting. You must conform and change in order to interact and communicate with them which is not healthy. I think my world has gone from colorful, bright, sunny to grey, black and white due to being in this family now for years. It's all very strange. Even when my father in law passed, it was a very strange pragmatic, cut and dry, unemotional event for his Autistic family. There was no real emotion, meaning, depth, warmth, reliving family memories or anything when he passed away. Even he was very cut and dry and pragmatic about his own impending death. This was very traumatic to me because I am naturally a very emotional, communicative person who likes to process and talk about the inner emotional meaning and aspect of life. Birthdays, marriage proposal, anniversaries, holidays are all just really irritants to my husband who sees no real purpose in these inconvenient life events. He has no desire or need for shared experiences with me. We move often and he is fine with me house hunting alone and picking out the new home without ever seeing it. He has no desire to travel or go out to eat. These are just irritants pulling him from his rigid routine. When we lived cross country from each other for two year, I recall going out to see him every few months and being struck by how flat and emotionless he appeared. Dinner out that night was flat and mundane and he just wanted to rush back to his temp apartment to his insular routine. There was no joyful reunion of two who loved and missed each other and were so happy to be back together. He can mimic what he should say and how to behave if needed but just wants to get back to his solitary routine. It is really hard on me living like this. feel pulled into a very grey colorless world and miss being with a partner with a very rich, nuanced inner life. I now understand why my husband constantly flips me off, sticks out his tongue, makes childish funny faces at me. He is just filling in the silence as he doesn't know what to say. Also, I see now why he married much later in life at almost 40. He had no real desire to have a mate. I see why he married me with step kids, my kids. He had no desire or impetus to have his own children as he only views kids as irritants. Their are not thoughts in his mind of a happy bonded family life with wife and children. This does not exist in his mindscape. He views my kids who he has known for 16 years as irritants. He has not bonded with them and does not know them or their inner worlds. He makes statements about them and others that are inaccurate misperceptions due to his Theory of Mind weaknesses and empathy deficiencies. He doesn't know people or sense, intuit them on a deeper level whatsoever. He forms very simplistic, odd, inaccurate opinions about them. I believe my own emotional intelligence and verbal ability has decreased and weakened due to being with him for 16 years. I feel my own reasoning has weakened and become impaired due to having to do mental acrobatics in order to get along with and communicate with my spouse. Metal sharpens metal and I am not getting that from someone with very weak and deficient Theory of Mind and empathy who misperceives so much. Arguments are pointless as he goes off on strange tangents and has poor reasoning. It's like talking to an immature frustrating kid or young teen who has an unsophisticated, half baked view of life. He is an asexual and now I understand that he simply has very different wiring that caused him to not feel the need or desire to be intimate with another. It's a pointless waste of time to him and a tedious irritant. He's very uncreative, highly routine, and passionless in the sack. No emotions, no communications, no empathy, no real deeper bonding or connection. He lied to me at the beginning of the relationship about lots of things and now I see that is because he has no real empathy for how I would feel about being lied to. No big deal in his mind as he can't perceive the real inner me and feel deep love and empathy for her. I was very depressed a few weeks ago and his solution was to research supplements and then make sure I take them everyday. There was no insight or attending to the emotional, psychological aspects underlying my depression. He said he got the supplements so he would no longer have to deal with my depression. So you see, it was done to make his life easier and there was no real empathy for me. My depression was an inconvenience and irritant to him. It'e really hard. I'm not sure what I am going to do. I now understand his condition and all the strange nuances and their effects on me. That's been half the battle. If I think of him as a roommate and focus on the positives he brings to the table like fixing things around the house and financial security then it makes it easier. I am not sure if I want to live this way forever, however. I do feel much better now knowing that this family I married into has significant impairments and it is not me. I have had every right and reason to feel very down, confused, depressed, invisible, ignored, and angry. I just have not been able to get my social emotional, psychological, and human love/warmth needs met in this family and they have damaged, confused, numbed, weakened, and hurt me. His sister constantly misperceives and misunderstands people, situations, events and then she becomes spiteful, vindictive, and angry based on her misperceptions. It is like talking to a brick wall trying to get her to understand the most basic and obvious of dynamics. I have been on the receiving end of her fits now for years and it's just been awful as she cannot accept blame or responsibility. The matriarch of this family was neurotypical but she was severely damaged and depressed, angry, hopeless, jaded from many years of having to conform and adapt to her Autistic husband and children. She surrounded herself with numerous dogs in her final years and these pets became her best friends and companions and helped sooth her autistic family members who bonded with them as well. The dogs lightened the odd atmosphere in the house and made her final years much happier. |
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Roisin 4:20 AM Sat 3rd Apr, 2021 |
The lyrics to "Catch the Wind" always remind me of my six year relationship with an Aspergers partner. "When sundown pales the sky I want to hide a while, behind your smile And everywhere I'd look, your eyes I'd find For me to love you now Would be the sweetest thing That would make me sing Ah, but I may as well, try and catch the wind When rain has hung the leaves with tears I want you near, to kill my fears To help me to leave all my blues behind For standin' in your heart Is where I want to be, and I long to be Ah, but I may as well, try and catch the wind" In my opinion, the relationship between an emotional, caring NT person and an Aspie is very likely to lead to a great deal of pain for both parties, but particularly for the NT who typically invests heart and soul into the relationship, expecting love and validation in return. Wishing everyone posting on this site new faith in themselves and the courage to forge a new, happier and more peaceful path in life! |
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Kitty 4:18 PM Fri 2nd Apr, 2021 |
Denise, please don't be hard on yourself. Having therapy is a natural reaction. Had I stayed in my situation, I too would have ended up spending money in that direction. The cognitive dissonance is overwhelming. It's impossible to 100 per cent get over these relationships; they mask and love-bomb to reel us in. Hence the confusion. Had they acted like arseholes to begin with, I doubt if any of us would have fallen for them. I was emotionally abused, ridiculed and gaslighted, once the honeymoon period had ended. And he did it with an innocent smile on his face. I spent months researching 'his needs', not once thinking about my own. I then read a post by 'David' on here. He said, forget whether the person is an aspie, narc, psychopath. It doesn't matter. If you're being treated badly then leave. Stop analysing them and move on. It was a lightbulb moment. Ultimately, it is a boundary issue, and I had no boundaries in place. My brain is wired to put up with shitty behaviour, and this realisation has been enlightening. Fortunately I have two very close friends that I trust and they convinced me that I needed to get out. Now I've put healthy boundaries up with EVERYONE in my life, including my awful mother, and this has been incredible. My self-respect has soared and I feel invincible. I feel like I can achieve anything I want now. I am even going to create some rules for my current relationship, even though my new man is a sweet and loving guy. I'm aiming for clarity, positive direction, empathy, communication, good reasoning, critical thinking, and progression now. The relationship with aspie ex taught me to set boundaries, and I'm grateful for that learning process, painful though it was. My aspie ex treated me like a commodity. I was to provide whatever he wanted with no expectations from him. And I was met with shouting and abuse if I objected to this treatment, which shut me up because I couldn't deal with his anger. Just 4 months of this abuse was enough to affect my mental health badly. I now can't imagine what it must be like to be married to him. I last spoke to him on the phone last November and he told me that his current girlfriend screams back at him. She's clinging on because physically he is very hot. Urgh. What a twisted exchange. After that I blocked his phone number, although I doubt he would call me anyway. He never bothered with me after we had split up. I was immediately discarded once I was no use to him. I'm very grateful for this site and these testimonials. It saved my sanity during lockdown and also saved me money from seeing a therapist, who may not have even understood the problem anyway. |
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Kathleen 11:47 AM Fri 2nd Apr, 2021 |
I still feel so angry. I dated this aspie man for three years on and off as he constantly ghosted me, flipped out over nothing, and felt nothing. One day he just told me over the phone he did not love me and that was it. I feel rage. I thought I was doing okay but coming on the one-year anniversary of our breakup I wish I could get a little revenge. Does anyone feel angry about the time they wasted on such losers? What really gets to me is how I blamed myself for the problems, always trying to fix everything while he felt nothing. I have all of this pain and abandonment to process and yet I know he has just gone on and is perfectly fine. Love in a void. I was his company when his mom was sick, then she died and he left. And his sisters, who never lifted a finger to help are now coming down every few months to work on their mom's house to sell it. And he is such a moron-they have used him for years and now they show up, to sell the house and reap the money. HE was always so attached to his mother and now his sisters, who wanted him to stay single and care for them. I feel so stupid. |
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Denise 7:18 AM Fri 2nd Apr, 2021 |
You’re so right Kitty. What I struggle with is that I was only with mine for 7 mos but it was still 7 mos. I’m 4 mos post my breaking it off and I’m still struggling. In therapy trying to understand what the hell just happened. I wanted to break it off. Like you, I realized there was no empathy or reciprocal feelings emotionally. Said all the right things but I couldn’t ignore the disconnect. I’m sure he has moved on. Probably shortly after. He targets older women too. Thinking we are all sex deprived. That is his ‘hook’. I’m looking forward to meeting my person one day. |
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Kitty 4:25 AM Fri 2nd Apr, 2021 |
Hi Eliza, your situation is very similar to mine. My relationship lasted 4 months. When it ended my aspie ex moved on immediately. He needed to be looked after like a child and no longer had any use for me. He had met an older woman who fell in love with him and immediately became The doormat of his dreams. Someone by the name of David used to post regularly on here. What he said completely changed the way I saw my relationship. He said that ultimately it wasn’t important if your partner is on the spectrum; what’s important is how you want and expect to be treated. Once I realised that I had the right not to be treated badly, then the decision to end my relationship was easy to make. Although it was hard, as my ex is very good looking confident and charming, he had zero empathy and simply did not care. There are people on this site who have been married for decades to aspies and some of them have severe mental health problems because they are financially dependent on their aspies or because they don’t want to divorce because of children. I had no ties to my ex, therefore I cut my losses and walked away. I’ve now met someone who is smart, caring and loves me. It took me 6 months to recover from aspie ex but after the pain the clouds in my head finally cleared and I could see the situation objectively, and I am relieved that my ex is with someone else. My feelings are now indifference to him and sympathy for his current partner. I’m sorry you’ve been on the rollercoaster, but one day you’ll realise for the good of your mental health your future self will be thanking you for not renewing contact with your ex. |
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ghostinashell 1:06 AM Fri 2nd Apr, 2021 |
@Eliza I think that a good way to get over it is to focus on yourself and what you need. Every relationship requires a bit of compromise from both sides, but this should not include giving up your well-being for the sake of the other person. We all need to understand that a relationship is working just as long as both people involved benefit from it. It's something that makes us more than we are by ourselves and adds more meaning to our lives. But if it becomes detrimental and it cannot be fixed with a shared effort, than you have to do what's best for you, even if it's nobody's fault. That's not being selfish, it's just taking care of yourself. |
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Eliza 9:16 AM Wed 31st Mar, 2021 |
Hey everyone, I’ve been reading your statements and came to realize I’ve been in a similar situation. Thank you all so much for your bravery and willingness to talk about these experiences that are so confusing. Without your statements I would still be confused and now I can finally put what happened in context. The man I’ve been dating is a little over 40, and we got along because we both like hiking, dogs, travel, etc. He’s quieter than anyone I’ve dated before, has eccentricities that I found cute, and while he is knowledgeable about many things there was an innocence there that I found endearing—even though it was something I couldn’t quite understand. The first month was great and then a flip switched and it was like he didn’t trust me, treated me with apprehension, and he kept saying he “got scared” because all other girlfriends had left him, and many had treated him poorly. So—knowing some things can be proven in time I was patient. Also I didn’t do anything to trigger this switch that would lead to a lack of trust or wariness. Over the past year we were together almost every day—him always calling me to get together for dinner, go hiking, go on weekend trips, and I even met his family and friends. He was very weird about giving us a label though, and we were never officially boyfriend/girlfriend. He also was not affectionate in the least, gave me no compliments, and rarely asked about anything related to my interests, my day, and never feelings. He also has about 5 prominent stimming methods. He had a few meltdowns when I wanted to talk about feelings, where I basically said hey it’s been about a year, if you don’t want to be together that’s fine but it’s time to make a choice. And he kept saying he didn’t know and he never once told me how he felt about me—instead deflecting to “I’m hanging out with you aren’t I?” Which... really only lasts for so long because for me as an NT I need that verbal affirmation once in awhile. Anyway fast forward to a week ago tonight, we had dinner at a restaurant and discussed things that weren’t initially topics I’d consider heavy but it turned into a diatribe of insults, and on the drive home when I pushed back on those insults, he said he was done. Dropped me off and drove away, haven’t heard from him since. To be honest I’m worried he will contact me again, just call out of the blue likely upset I didn’t contact him, which has happened in the past. Or he may never contact me. I’m worried if he contacts me I’ll get roped in again, do any of you have advice for sticking to your choice to leave if they want you back? I think what makes this hard is it’s easy for me to say it’s not his fault, it’s his condition. Because if an NT treated me this way I wouldn’t put up with any of this stuff. I think it’s harder because I feel sorry for him for having these difficulties. Also, I would describe this experience like “chasing the dragon” to a drug addict: in that the whole time I was hoping he would return to the same person he was in that first month, who I thought was really great. At this point I haven’t seen that person for over a year. Is it safe to say he doesn’t exist and it was all masking? |
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Janet 8:52 PM Sat 27th Mar, 2021 |
@Kayla I agree with @Vicky I think your ex’s partner will eventually meet the same fate. What happened sounds a lot like what happened with my ex aspire and me. He seemed to completely change for me at the beginning-doing things that I loved, hanging out with my friends, talking about marriage etc. He was completely obsessed as I guess I was his special interest. And this lasted a year and then slowly the mask started slipping off. It was slow and gradual at first. It might take longer but I’m sure the same thing will happen with your ex. And the shock will be that much greater for their poor partner. |
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cassandra 12:25 PM Fri 26th Mar, 2021 |
hey guys, it hurt me deeply when my son left our entire family for the sake of his love. For the last three years, he has stopped communicating with everyone...I put the effort to reach out to him and every time the response is at a snail pace, I feel rejected. I imagine him prioritizing his girlfriend over the world and I keep asking what did i not right for the last 27 years that she had done to him. I literally lived my life for him, tending to every one of his needs. he was the apple of my eyes, he appeared kind, respectful, loving...When i realized ASD, i understood everything. He was masking all along, never wanted to talk to anyone, never interested in anyone, and he has taken this opportunity of misunderstanding to shun everyone. Probably he love bombs her, may be the true color will come out...after all, i lived with my ASD husband for 27 years not knowing about ASD and having so many assumptions that he loved me, he is innocent, he didn't mean to hurt, he is busy at work that he has no time for me, etc...NOw i am torn between treating this as a mental disorder and be kind and protecting my mental health. These NT sites really help me...I cant heal as i interact with them everyday...so i heal and get hurt, heal little and get hurt more...this is a vicious cycle |
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Vicky 9:46 PM Thu 25th Mar, 2021 |
@kayla - we feel your pain. I had to come to the realization that we are completely insignificant to them. We are a means to an end and we will be replaced as if we didn’t matter because we don’t. Their new interest will go through the same torment eventually that we did and to me I wouldn’t want to go back to that relationship if I was paid to do so. It really sucks that we were so negatively affected in our self-worth and self-esteem by the end but we truly are so much better off without them. I really hate when people ask me if I am dating as if the nightmare of that relationship is something I can just shrug off and do a rebound. We need a lot of self-care and I don’t care how long it takes before I am capable of seeing someone else. My daily meditations and exercises and Bible study has helped me in so many ways. Unfortunately I still ruminate over the nightmare and I keep praying and hoping that eventually he will be a distant memory and I am extremely indifferent to him. Fortunately I am getting a little bit of satisfaction in the fact that the people around him are disgusted by him getting engaged 9 months after our divorce so I did get a bit of validation. Unfortunately he doesn’t understand any of it because he doesn’t have the emotional maturity to know how awful he really is but the sympathy I am getting is very touching. |
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Kayla 8:37 AM Thu 25th Mar, 2021 |
So it appears that aspies can change if they think you’re worth it. My aspie ex completely changed himself for his current gf. He used to wear his hair long, no beard, glasses and lots of heavy metal memorabilia shirts. Now he wears his hair short, with beard, and no glasses. He used to make fun of people who had tattoos and now he’s obsessed with tattoos because she likes them. She comes from a wealthy family like his ex wife and is basically living the life. He committed to her and moved in with her super fast. He posts photos of them together with heart emojis and loves showing her off. He never posted any of his other exes including me. They’ve been together for a year and I think they will probably end up married. I come back to this testimonial site to remind me who he really is. He treated me like trash, thrown away and forgotten without a care in the world. Then seeing him have a thriving successful relationship immediately after with his perfect match that he completely changed for. Meanwhile I basically lost my self worth, my self esteem took a huge hit and had to pick myself up for way longer than it should have. I haven’t even wanted to date since him because I’m so scared of attracting someone like that again. He seemed so genuine, innocent, and sweet. I truly believed that he would never hurt me the way he did. I don’t want to feel jealous because I saw that dark side of him, it was the most cold empty feeling that I’ve ever felt in another person’s presence. It’s hard not to compare and think wow this gf was worth him changing over, but it’s all for his benefit in the long run. He even admitted to using his ex wife’s family to get ahead in life and would do it over again. Once he got what he wanted he divorced her after a year of marriage. I just wish people like this came with a warning sign because it felt so similar to dealing with a narcissist with a couple of components missing. |
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Janet 7:55 AM Tue 23rd Mar, 2021 |
I cannot thank you all enough for your responses. And as usual, so many things hit home. @Victoria I also think I stayed as long as I did because of his faithfulness. And oh my goodness the collections and trinkets. His entire closet was filled up with tiny identical boxes with labels from his label maker. Filled with collections of found stuff. He also had 5 large tupperwares of Bop Its (that game from the 80s). He had hundreds of them. And when I wanted him to move in with me he said there was no room for his stuff and wouldn't get rid of any of it. And @Elodie yes yes yes! I have heard that from sooooo many people. "He's just a guy." "Guys are just like that". Thank you for your post. Honestly, it wasn't even those behaviours to me that were abusive (they were shitty, sure) but for me, the abuse came from the gaslighting. When I tried to talk to him about how I felt (or anything) he would deny and or stonewall me. Nothing ever got resolved and I constantly felt confused and crazy. Never a sorry, never a thank you. Even memories from our first year were denied which I'm still so confused about but I remember someone on here posting about a connection between memory loss and masking which would help it make sense. Once I tried to show him how much he had changed by showing him old texts and he said "well I guess you beat that guy out of me". That is the abusive part. And I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone. I did everything and anything for him. I tried SO HARD to understand and make him comfortable and ok in every situation. He was my everything and I thought my heart was safe with him (because of the way he presented himself to me when we met-completely fake). @Alex absolutely the same. At the end I became terrified of him also. He seemed to become more rigid and cold with each passing day. My anxiety was through the roof. Hands down the most heartbreaking experience of my entire life (and I have been through some SHIT). It's incredibly hard to not be able to find comfort with friends or the rest of the internet but I'm so grateful that I have this site and all of you. Thank you so much for your insights. |
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Time to talk 12:25 AM Tue 23rd Mar, 2021 |
Have you ever had one of those nightmares where you're screaming for help but no sound comes out your mouth or you're calling out but no-one can hear you? That's what it feels like to live with my (soon to be ex) partner. No matter what techniques I try, he simply cannot hear me. He just can't grasp what I'm saying. I say X but he hears Y. If I tell him he's misunderstood me, he gets deeply offended ('Are you calling me stupid?') and becomes immediately hostile and defensive. This is where his energy goes, he puts no effort into getting to the root of the issue at hand. Trying to get him to hear me is like trying to get a baby to understand Shakespeare. Impossible. It's a lonely place to be when the person you share your life with can't hear you when you call out. But he doesn't even understand that. |
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Alex 11:22 PM Mon 22nd Mar, 2021 |
Hi all, I also want to add something to this issue of not being recognized by others. I have found a great resistance to accept that I was living what i could say "unfair" situation even by therapists. Now I don't talk about what really happened to anyone except some of my closest friends, who really know what I went through. It is really too painful to finally look for help and find nothing but indifference. Not even being allowed to explain my experience and perception of it. As I explained before I ended up with traumatic bond, an indescribable anxiety that made me loss more than twenty pounds of weight in a few months, and eventually when the relationship was over but still working together, I dealt with panic attacks when I had to meet her. Really weird situation where I was terrified of her. The only certainty I had was that she was going to hurt me somehow. But still felt the trauma bond and all this love like emotions about her. I must say that I feel much better now, but it has been a difficult road. When I was looking for help, the only concern of some of the therapists I tried to work with was not to "label" my ex. Ignoring that I was talking about emotional abuse situations. Do not label please, everyone has the right of being who she is. Of course, but I also have the right of not being abused! The label is not to blame, is just important information. But nobody really cared about that. The intention is not to label, even now i have a great respect for the person my ex is and the struggles she faces. But it is important also to recognize that a relationship with her or someone like her, is not from equal to equal. On the other side there is the absolute ignorance about trauma bond, I also found a therapist that urged me to delete my ex contact in front of her, to never again have any further contact. I never went back for a second session… Luckily I finally found someone to work with. And of course the work is about me and my co-dependency and attachment style. But i also feel listened and recognized. So in fact what has actually helped me is to talk to the very few persons that I have found that can recognize my experience with a compassionate perspective and completely ignore the rest. And also online resources, like this space, and to read a lot about aspergers, narcissism, trauma bond, and the many online resources posted here by many people, Dr. Kathy J. Marshack blog. And also EMDR therapy. I don’t know why is so difficult to recognize that while the no neurotypical persons for sure need to be protected and respected, people living around them also need a lot of information, care and protection. And many times need to heal really profound wounds. She broke my heart and my soul, I felt completely devastated. I know it is difficult for one that has not lived it to know how it feels to be treated without empathy, but it feels so cruel and so cold that sometimes is hard to believe. To see how the most sweet and caring person, to who you have opened your heart, set your trust and helped to extenuation, turns into a complete uncaring and disrespectful stranger is a complete nightmare, is hell. Mostly when that person is showing the perfect mask to the world. Because now she is with a new partner, I wish some common friends could at least ask him from time to time how he is doing. As I wish people that really know my ex would have had some words for me. Because for me is been something more than a bad breakup. Anyway, healing takes time but is possible. I still have a lot of work ahead, but I have recovered my peace, mental space and capacity to enjoy life. So keep strong, dont blame yourself too much because is not an easy situation and listen to your guts and needs. |
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Vicky 8:57 PM Mon 22nd Mar, 2021 |
@bella & Janet - both of you are spot on with the challenges in healing. Since no one other than those of us that went through this understand, it can feel very confusing and lonely. I agree that sites like these have been the only validation I have gotten. I consider my past relationship a death by a thousand paper cuts. The empty and lonely feeling was devastating. I now feel a sense of urgency to “get over it” since he got engaged 9 months after our divorce. If I could erase my past with him mentally I would do it in a second. I unfortunately keep having thoughts that trigger me into ruminating about the unfairness of it all. I will continue to meditate and try to retrain my brain to be in the moment and have a positive thought with the hopes that in time those experiences will be a distant and vague memory. Good luck to all of us on this difficult journey, I know the effort will be worth it in the end. Peace |
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Elodie 7:44 PM Mon 22nd Mar, 2021 |
@Janet @Bella... I absolutely relate to your comments. I ended a 6 year relationship last year with my partner with strong suspected Aspergers (he doesn't think he has it). I too have only chosen to tell some close friends and family the reason why, because as you have said, your words are often met with disbelief or the kind of 'aren't most men like that?' comment. There is a good blog on this topic by Carol Grigg which I will post below. Like you Janet, I wrestled for a long time with the comments/looks and questioned whether they meant something/was I imagining them? I too felt I was in an abusive relationship but not in the typical way that we think of abusive relationships. It was only through intensive reading on the topic of being an NT partner in an aspie relationship that I understood what I was feeling was real. I still had my doubts that he was an aspie when I ended things, even though the 'evidence' for it was overwhelmingly there. In the end, I went with my gut and trusted my instinct and voted for a happier future for me. I haven't looked back. Here is the blog: "We all have our stereotypes for “all men …” (or “all women …” for that matter), but what are we really meaning when we utter this throw-away line? Demeaning towards men I would say, but what I’d really like to suggest is how dismissive this may seem to a woman who with weary and aching heart is seeking an ear to hear and a soul to trust; daring to attempt to put words around something she can’t really describe; hoping you might have some clues to help her. “Oh, all men are like that!” She slips silently back into her world of confusion and isolation; self-doubt gripping her again. Disbelieved, treated with skepticism, judged as malicious; because after all, “He’s so intelligent …”, “He’s a good provider …”, “He’s so helpful …”, “He has friends …”, she hears “What is your problem?” She’s been asking herself this for years, altering, adapting and adjusting herself till she barely recognises herself any longer. The problems persist, as does the self-blame. So hard to put in a nutshell. Nobody sees. Words and meaning misconstrued; nothing resolved; prescribed ways of doing things; one way; interests and obsessions; his agenda; unusual priorities; social gaffs; unintentionally hurtful words; emotional disconnect; constant need for prompts; change or challenge creates catastrophe; oblivious to another’s state; mechanical sex; innocent comments seen as attack; her love cannot win; her preferences disregarded; she parents alone; complies with rules; carries the load; co-operates with correction; loses touch with her friends; sees the world going by, while silently and compliantly she continues dutifully on, searching for something to make sense; “he’s not a bad man”". |
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Victoria 5:54 PM Mon 22nd Mar, 2021 |
Replying to Janet's post, Mar 21: Oh Janet, yes, I know exactly what you mean! Your post resonated completely with me, and just as you were asking if anyone else knows what you mean, I was experiencing that finally!! Someone else knows my experience too, by reading your post. So thank you for sharing what you did. I've been recovering from the relationship with my ex-aspie bf for two years. He truly destroyed parts of myself I've had to completely rebuild, my self esteem, my nervous system, etc. You mentioned reading about trauma bonding and perhaps I should look into that as well. I've been reading consistently here on this website, as well as a few others, have ordered a few books on aspie/nt relationships to try and understand what happened to me. I'm a very nurturing person and a great girlfriend, as I'm sure we all are! I've definitely had my heart broken before, but nothing like this. This was..... different. I too, have a very hard time articulating why to my friends. Even my very closest friends who I know are on my side, sometimes I feel like they're listening to me but not really believing it was so bad. It's important that someone knows how bad it was, so that I know for sure I'm not crazy and stumbled into something really pathological. Some of the things I experienced in that relationship were.... When we met, he love bombed me for the first few months. He called me his "wife" to strangers on our second date. He introduced me really quickly to his kids, although they were older teenagers then. He said, I found them the best step mom. He gave all the signs that I was the one, he finally found me, and he was planning our future. All along the way though, looking back now, there were sour notes, like a violin hit a note really off during a beautiful piece. This thing happened where sometimes I looked at him and wasn't sure what he looked like, he seemed like a boy, but a troubled boy. Then the next time I would see him, he'd have his game face back on and my mind would register him as handsome. Now I know that was his struggle to keep his mask on and the act going. He asked me to do things for him, for his business, for his kids school trip, etc and I was honored he trusted me. Then those things became my job, and then he began criticizing everything I did. I cannot overstate the constant criticism. It was shredding. He was turning me into his nanny, his caretaker, his life manager. So weird looking back on it now, how subtly that happened and how I slipped into the role because I loved him and wanted to make him happy. Early on in the first few months, some odd things were... I came to his house for a date night, and all of a sudden he had to find a star wars poster. He became completely obsessed, saying it was worth alot of money, went out into the garage, came back into the house, garage, house, kind of working himself up into a panic. I felt he was accusing ME of taking it. A 50 yr old man freaking out over not finding a star wars poster, when he has a new, hot girlfriend who made the trip to see him. WTF. Wearing clothes multiple days in a row. Poor hygiene, except when he wanted to show off. Going to dinner was an extreme getting ready routine, long shower, shaving, combing, cologne, and always eye drops in his eyes so the whites would look whiter. Putting on jewelry.It's like he was trying to emulate a character from the Jersey Shore reality show. Had such a cluttered home, with the most bizarre things on display for a 50 yr old man... a paper crown, little bottles of ketchup, stuffed animals in his bedroom, toy cars, etc. He also had a freak out when he couldn't find a book of stamps. Stamps!! Turns out when he was young, he collected stamps and put them into big binders. He had 4 huge binders full of stamps and couldn't find the last one. That turned into hours of looking, instead of spending time with me and planning a lovely day. So many, many dates/days were ruined like that. I would come over expecting to do something fun, or just enjoy being together, and he would all of a sudden have to get all the coupons together. There's so much more to the story, this is a handful of cringe-worthy moments in two years and dozens of them every day. The effect his neglect, ocd behaviors and constant criticism had on me was deeply damaging. I can't believe i tried to have a relationship with someone like that. I'm mortified looking back on these things now. I knew he was a little odd, but thought, who doesn't have their little quirks? And he seemed so solid otherwise, like someone who would never cheat on me, which has been a trauma in the past. So I hung onto that one thing, and overlooked all the other bizarre behaviors. Trauma bonding. I need to read about that. Does anyone have any good book recommends on the subject? |
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Nikki 12:46 PM Mon 22nd Mar, 2021 |
I want to grab this guys computer and chuck it across the room. I can't even bring myself to refer to him as my husband anymore. I feel like I want to find a lover and just stay for the kids but every night I'm reminded of who he is and I feel rage. The only thing that keeps me from completely blaming myself, asking what is it about me thats so unlovable is the fact that his grandma and mom, who are amazing selfless women, are literally dying and he doesn't care to check on them at all. His reasoning is "it hurts him too much". I despise him on top of feeling repulsed. Hygiene is horrible, doesn't ask our kids how they are, gives the best parts of him to his gamer friends. And he wonders why his entire family thought he was gay until we were married! I STILL wonder this same thing. I kick myself that I focused on being a mom and not finding a career. If I had the financial stability I would've been gone. Were separated but in the same house for the time being but I can see myself getting to a point of blind rage and beating the shit out of him. Any respect I may have had is GONE. I'm losing my shit |
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Bella 8:37 AM Mon 22nd Mar, 2021 |
@janet I totally relate to your post. What I learned is to only share my story with others who have gone through a relationship with an aspie. No one else will understand, and as you say, will think you are being trivial and even unfair about your ex. The micro-heartbreaks add up. They seem not worth making a fuss over at the time, so we bury the hurt. We take on the responsibility of them. We end up with a shredded self-esteem. We struggle trying to reconcile an inner knowing of ourselves that doesn't match the way our aspie sees us. We start to see ourselves as they see us. We, the victims, become the victimizers. And that is how people who haven't experienced this, see us too. |
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Janet 12:55 AM Sun 21st Mar, 2021 |
It's been four months since the most recent (and final) breakup with my ex aspie. And I am finally starting to see the light at the end of this tunnel of madness. I feel as if I've been recovering from an abusive relationship and had to figure out who I am all over again. Rebuild my self esteem etc. It's been the hardest thing I've ever done which only made sense to me once I read about trauma bonding (thanks to many of your testimonials on here). It WAS an emotionally abusive relationship. The funny thing is, I have a very hard time articulating why. Does anyone else experience this? I feel like when I talk about him to my friends they are almost giving me a look that says "that doesn't sound so bad." Like I am nitpicking him or something (and for the longest time in our relationship I thought this about myself). But I was only able to fully heal once I trusted my gut and recognized the trauma. It was like a hundred tiny micro aggressions every day, some hard to explain without sounding needy. Like tiny little forms of neglect each day, comments, looks etc. It's so hard to describe! But it was real. And it was the worst experience of my life. Once I FINALLY realized that the man I dated in our first year was never coming back, I felt like I had to choose between getting little bits of my heart broken every day for the rest of my life, or enduring one giant heartbreak and getting free. I am SO happy that I chose the latter. I'm just wondering if anyone else knows what I mean or experiences this phenomenon of having a hard time articulating why exactly the relationship was so toxic. |
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Ness 11:19 PM Sat 20th Mar, 2021 |
Hey all. Its been a minute.. I had a silent win today with my aspie ex who I'm co parenting with and I was reminded of all the times I would feel defeated in the past and come to the site. After my failed relationship I was inspired to look into my self healing and figure out all the things I would need to have peace and move forward in life while still maintaining a good relationship with my ex for the sake of our child. I feel like I've came far but I still have a long way to go to get back to myself like many of you; I'm very optimistic. For so many years my mind was on a repeated cycle of "Why", so much so I started to doubt everything even myself at some point. Let me tell you now, STOP confusing yourself trying to understand people. You never will and you will drive yourself crazy in the process. Through soul searching and therapy I realized that narcissistic abuse can get so confusing you don't even realize you've probably been there before and you've grown accustomed to it. After growing up with two manipulative, emotionally stunted control freaks for parents I grew to have a few unfufilling relationships that warped my view and need for validation from others. Especially with my ex. Everyday I'm unlearning these unhealthy attachment styles and I feel better than ever. Focusing on me and what's most important on my journey is my priority right now. The hardest part is accepting he is who he is and it's not changing, but I refuse to be bitter about it and it's actually strengthened our relationship as friends. Ultimately I hope it brings me closer to who is for me and who I'm supposed to be as my highest self. I know alignment is not biased. You can be aligned to negativity or positivity. You get the opportunity daily to choose which one you prefer yourself to be aligned with. If it's one thing I can say my ex gave me is a lot of Self check moments.. have a great day. ❤✌🏻 |
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Faithnomore 9:10 PM Sat 20th Mar, 2021 |
@Seeking Help,looks like we had the same boyfriend... Everybody says that every aspie is different. Completely disagree! I went through all the testimonials, one by one and I can see the pattern, like they were made in one factory! After all, I was thrown out like garbage, without explanation, just out of the blue. It broke me completely because he seemed to be happy with me. I feel like trash and don't even deserve to be answered, don't deserve even one text with closure. Looks like everything I knew about him was a lie! Big lie! Why they can't date people like them? Oh, I forgot, two self-centered, egoistic people can't create anything, especially relationship! |
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Lina 8:23 AM Sat 20th Mar, 2021 |
The horror show has returned to my life. My ex-aspie returned the contact after 5 months without talking to me, after a 2-year long distance relationship. And guess what? He didn't mention any apologies, he didn't mention anything from the past except a robotic phrase about "So, what do you tell me good after all this time?".Obviously, he would never care about me and that doesn't mean he misses. How much bitterness to understand, to digest, to understand again, to understand nothing, to die or to be killed by a damned syndrome like that of another person! |
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Roisin 2:19 AM Fri 19th Mar, 2021 |
I just needed to comment upon "Seeking Help's" recent testimonial. As I have stated before, your experience is nearly completely a reflection of mine with my Aspie ex-partner, down to the hanging of the art! Incredible!! I have felt so fortunate to have been able to extricate myself from that excruciatingly painful and difficult relationship - the gaslighting was very harmful, and constantly caused me to question my perceptions and basic needs as a healthy human being. Again, my advice to those suffering would be to muster up all of the courage and savings that you can, and get out! It will take some time to heal and to recover, but there is light at the end of the tunnel! I put myself and two pets through such a great deal of torture, and regret only that I did not escape the situation earlier. Best of luck, love and prayers to all posting on this site. |
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ghostinashell 1:37 AM Thu 18th Mar, 2021 |
@Giulia I thought A LOT about it and the explanation I came up with is that there are loads of idealization and projection in the aspie way of falling in love. I think this is true to different degrees for every person but, in the case of aspies, as for many other things, it tends to become very extreme, to the point where their partner doesn't really exist for them as an autonomous person outside of the fantasy they've made of them. For this reason, they don't seem capable of moving from infatuation to love as we may conceive it, that is actually caring about someone for whom they are and placing their well-being quite high in your list of priorities. As they don't perceive other people's inner world with the same intensity as we do - or they don't perceive it at all - the experiences they have with others may impact them to a much lesser degree on an emotional level, hence the easiness with which they are able to move on. Their form of attachment seems to be grounded much more on habit than on emotional connection. They also seem to be attracted to people they perceive to be socially "successful", or more advanced than they are in terms of social skills, so the relationship and their partner become an instrument to navigate social norms in a way they wouldn't be capable of by themselves. This means that the person they're with may matter less as an individual and more as someone who can fulfill a function. I'm not a psychologist, so I don't claim this to be the definitive truth for everybody, but it's what I was able to conclude based on my own and other people's experiences, and on the things I've read over time. It's something very hard to swallow and I'm still struggling to accept that what meant the world to me could hardly be acknowledged by the person I loved so much, let alone reciprocated. As for why they keep investing energy in draining, unstable relationships, I have no answer for that. They seem to be perfectly content by themselves most of the time, still they're desperate to fit in and engage in relationships that often turn destructive and disfunctional because of wrong premises. Maybe some things they do are bound to appear as completely illogical from our perspective and some questions are likely to remain unanswered. |
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Seeking Help 12:26 AM Thu 18th Mar, 2021 |
The gaslighting is the worst. We need to be accommodating to their different brains. Make sure the lighting is right. Make sure the perfume doesn’t smell. Clean the dishes twice. Make sure the skin is soft. No makeup but make sure the bags under the eyes aren’t seen. Make sure not to pressure or appear too desirous. Play coy. Play uninterested. Be content with crumbs. Be open and willing and grateful when the love and affection does come. They don’t do eye-contact, so let’s get over our silly need. They don’t do wet kisses. So stop with that grossness. Frequent, passionate sex? How about occasional, early morning, masturbatory sex without kissing or eye-contact? Cuddling after sex? How about jumping up afterwards and showering immediately. Desires for pillow talk? What’s the point in that? Can’t we just go watch the news now? That should be enough. Oh, having conversations with conflict resolution where you can bring up your fears and desires and feel that they’ll be received and worked on? Why would you need that? It's just a bunch of nonsense. Why would you feel the need to be told words of affection like how beautiful you are, how kind and passionate you are, how much they love you? Forget the need for words and focus on the fact that they aren’t sleeping with someone else. Well, they did come over and hang some art for you, isn’t that enough? And your need for them to control their temper is just too much to ask. Shouldn’t they be allowed to ruin any and all occasions based on their feelings if they choose to? Shouldn’t you be happy with their presence even if they’re miserable, rude, loud, repetitive and hostile? Shouldn’t you deal with their profound negativity and be excited about their mundane, pedantic stories? Shouldn’t you be content with one-sided conversations or monologues about their exes or other stories that bore you to no end? Shouldn’t you be happy that they’re even talking to you? Shouldn’t you be content with their neglect? Shouldn’t you be content with their obsession with work or whatever task they need to get done that day? Why aren’t you accommodating to the fact that the most basic adult task is draining for them emotionally and they will need you to take care of them? Why aren’t you fulfilled with this nonexistent sex life and the fact that they at least call you or see you with their free time? Why are you so demanding to have your way when they hang your art on the walls? Why are you so needy for affection and intimacy? Why must someone look at you and touch you for you to feel loved? Why do you want them to desire you like they did the first six months? Why do you expect them to be the same person they were when you met and they were wearing a mask? Shouldn't you feel honored that they feel comfortable enough to let down their mask and reveal the truth of who they are? Shouldn't you be content with the fact that they haven't left you? Why must someone actually listen to you and care about how you feel? Why do you ask so much from a partner? Can’t you just be content with the fact that they’re in your life at all? The gaslighting can drive you mad. You start to wonder if maybe you are asking too much and being too needy or insecure. But when you write it down you can see that you’re asking for the bare minimum. |
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Vicky 8:37 PM Wed 17th Mar, 2021 |
@guilia - On YouTube I listened to “why some men with aspergers and HFA fall out of love - seemingly overnight by Mark Hutten. It is only 5 minutes but it clicked with me and I hope helps you understand. I find the more I learn about this condition the less my past relationship hurts. I get a lot of ah ha moments and it helps with healing. |
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Nana T. 4:01 AM Wed 17th Mar, 2021 |
Hey,all. I know aspies are known for literal and black and white thinking. Can you give me examples of literalness from adults with aspergers or autism that you know. Share examples from your aspie significant others or former significant others |
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Giulia 12:20 AM Wed 17th Mar, 2021 |
I read a lot of testimonials with some patterns of behavior of the aspies partners.. It is usually about their quick movement in finding another person for almost immediate or simultaneous replacement. As if the ex-partner were erased like dust. Could someone explain to me why they do this or why it happens so often? Do they not reflect on the tiredness and energy in masking for a new relationship? It is usually the problem for them, but they keep investing in it! It's so bizarre and painful. :( |
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Vicky 8:41 PM Mon 15th Mar, 2021 |
David - thank you for your reply. I am healing more each day but I do realize that the trauma bond was pretty intense and I avoided acknowledging that due to my pride. I just have to accept the fact that love means different things to neurotypical‘s versus people with autism. i also spent many years protecting him from his childish impulses so I think I have to let go of those habits. He has a lot to lose if this doesn’t work out. I also want it known that I do feel concerned for his new woman, I know what the future will hold for her when she is no longer being loved bombed and that is something I would not wish on anyone. That pain is extreme and unfair but I realize it is no longer my concern. I feel completely different today than I did when I wrote that post. I do have hobbies by the way, many of them😊. The only thing lacking in my life right now is employment since I retired last year so once I get back on track I think things will definitely be much smoother in the healing process. I really need to be productive and purposeful and Covid has definitely affected that ability. |
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David 7:37 AM Mon 15th Mar, 2021 |
Vicky - It seems like you are suffering from Cognitive Dissonance. I commend you for moving on and divorcing but you also say his new relationship is exhausting for you. Let us not forget what they do, love bomb. That could be the reason for his short courtship OR he could truly be in love. Either way, 21 years is a long time to be with someone. I don't think it is appropriate to put a timeline on when someone should move on. There is a right way you can tell others you no longer want to be informed of his situation any longer. Pictures can tell a story about a person but can also be telling of the picture taker. Take care with this information, but I think in your situation it is best to ignore especially if you feel like it's with malice intent from sender. You've expressed wasting countless years, now that you have both moved on don't continue to sow toxic seeds. If you haven't already, now is the time to find new hobbies, passions, and joys in life. Like you said yourself, Her problem not yours. Make the best of this new beginning. |
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Vicky 5:18 AM Sun 14th Mar, 2021 |
Well I found out today my ex asp is engaged after only 9 months from our divorce. She looks like someone that was at family functions in our past. I am not shocked based on all the research I have done about them but it still feels crazy. I was sent photos by well meaning people (eye roll) and he literally looks unstable in them. I know what she has ahead for her future so I feel sorry for her. I just needed to share because their ways just keep feeling like a slap in the face. My 21 years with him seem so senseless and wasteful of my life. A positive in this situation is he is now her problem and maybe I can no longer be affiliated with him. Fingers crossed that people stop telling me what is going on with him. It is such a struggle to not let my ego get tripped or feel like I have to compete in relationship status to appear as if I am moved on when I am truly happy alone right now. It is so exhausting! |
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Giulia 9:35 PM Sat 13th Mar, 2021 |
Can you imagine or explain how an aspie's head works with the memories of a loving relationship? My ex said to me after the end of the relationship: "I want to KEEP you in my life", referring to me as if it were an object to be kept. I thought how emotional it was to be about great memories, but also terrifying at the same time. That's because when I turned my back on being terribly hurt, he made no move to reach me ... it wasn't true that he wanted it. I'm sure we both had irreplaceable and incomparable moments together, but does he realize it that way? I'm so upset that there is nothing left and he shows no regret. Where do these memories go in the aspie brain? :( |
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Vicky 9:30 PM Sat 13th Mar, 2021 |
@vivilouise - I related to your post. The challenge I have faced is when I hear from him it disrupts my peace. The only reason I have heard from him is due to residual business so it unfortunately has to happen. It does take me a bit to get back on track because I minimized the impact that relationship had on me. The other issue I am concerned about and would like to hear how others have handled it is when people from your past (malicious gossipers) want to fill you in on your Ex’s relationship status. It angers me unreasonably for 2 reasons - he will do to another what he did to me and he acted like a bachelor for many years of our relationship but insists on getting involved with someone else. I can logically and intelligently come to terms that I will never understand him. However to be treated by others as if this was a typical divorce or relationship ending spins me to an unreasonable state of thinking. I don’t know how to convey to others that my need is to no longer be affiliated with him as an ex and that he just doesn’t exist. We live in a society where relationships are all we discuss as if that is our only purpose on this planet and it makes me anxious and irritated since I crawled out of that relationship by my fingernails. He does well in leaving me alone but others not so much and it is causing me to isolate when I really just want to move on and be myself without this past relationship. |
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Vivilouise 4:35 AM Sat 13th Mar, 2021 |
I moved out four months ago after four years with my aspie bf. I’m sitting on my patio in the sun, listening to the birds, and finally feeling like myself again. While I’m not dating, I’ve been reading people’s profiles online. There are men out there with things to say, a sense of humor, who like affection and intimacy! I’m still processing a lot about the past four years and recovering my sense of sanity and self. I’m reviewing a lot of memories and healing what led me to be attracted to someone with Aspergers in the first place and then to stay in a relationship that was hurting me so badly. I can finally see that he isn’t a bad person. He lacks capacity in some crucial areas and lives in a world of fantasy and projection because he can’t process emotion “normally”. I have a lot of compassion for him, but am honoring that I want no further contact with him. I must protect my sanity at all costs. We are not crazy! Living in these relationships is crazy making. No one is really at fault, it’s a heartbreaking reality of two deeply incompatible people who speak entirely different languages. If you haven’t heard of her, check out Melanie Tonia Evans who deals with recovering from narcissistic abuse. A lot of what she offers has been extremely applicable, validating, and healing. Sending hugs to all of you still in it. I’m on the other side. Getting here was brutal, but so worth it! I feel hopeful again! |
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Miel 9:34 PM Fri 12th Mar, 2021 |
@ghostinashell There is a phenomenon you might consider. Sometimes one very strong emotion like grief can fuse to another, like love. These AS people seem to instinctively know how to target people in that vulnerable state of emotional flux. When you dealt with this person, were you having strong emotions about anything else? It might seem unrelated but you may have suffered a “boosted” emotional reaction. Now it feels like intense love but it’s entirely chemical. The underlying emotion they boosted is actually feeding those feelings. If you deal with the original emotion (and exercise), the “love” feelings will likely disappear. @Meggie His parents did you a favour. If you want a life of growth and love, thank them kindly and run. |
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Anna 4:58 PM Thu 11th Mar, 2021 |
Unfortunately @ghostinashell (Thu 11th Mar, 2021) answer to you questions is Yes, it is possible to feel strongly about that person. However what you are feeling (and I have felt for very long time) is not love but trauma bond (aka betreyal bond or Stockholm syndrome) that will keep you stuck for months or even years to come. To detoxify your mind and your body from that you need to completely block that person from any possible contact with you: on your phone, on your WhatsApp, in your social media and anywhere else it is possible, go full NO CONTACT. Plus educate yourself as much as it is possible, however resources are not searchable in easy way. For some twisted reason in public space abuse that comes from "relationships' with Aspergers people are being validated as perfectly fine, other person just have to suck it up and try even harder. Nope, ghostinashell search and read anything you can on narcissistic abuse, there are amazing Youtube videos, books, blogs, articles. All that knowledge is out there. Be kind and compassion for yourself for all that nightmare you went through. Don't beat yourself that despite all that abuse you still feel love to that person. Don't beat yourself if you break no contact and will contact your Aspergers because this is how trauma bond works against you. |
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ghostinashell 7:52 AM Thu 11th Mar, 2021 |
Is it possible - after realizing that you will never be happy with someone, that you've been mistreated and deceived in several ways, after coming to accept that, given the occasion, you wouldn't want to be with that person anymore because you're aware it would never work - to still love that person intensely? That's how I feel right now, and it's a very strange, confusing place to be in. |
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Raina 2:56 AM Thu 11th Mar, 2021 |
@Vicky -- thanks so much. This website provided a lot of help and clarity when I was trying to figure out my relationship with my AS ex. The feelings of confusion, exhaustion, the constant criticism that wasn't even based in reality, the maligning and misunderstanding of my character...this wasn't just a me thing or a him thing, but a more generalized thing. |
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jennyjo 1:10 AM Thu 11th Mar, 2021 |
Hi all, next week I leave my husband. This has been the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. It has been only five weeks since I made this decision. I offered to move out until I could find somewhere to live, but my husband asked me stay. I did so, much against my better judgement. I expected meltdowns, anger and aggression. However, the opposite has happened…..it has been an emotional roller-coaster don’t get me wrong. Initially, my husband (who honestly can’t understand why I would want to leave) bombarded me with love, tried to change my mind….but I stayed strong. After 4 weeks of his concentrated affection, he suddenly stopped! I believe this effort literally became too much for him. But god love him he tried so hard. I became so aware of how difficult maintaining a healthy relationship is for him….and my heart went out to him. We have talked so much in these last few weeks, but he genuinely doesn’t see anything from my perspective …only his. This condition is so devastating for both of us. We have cried together, because it is so sad. But he has come to terms with the situation and is even helping me with moving arrangements. I am so grateful that I stayed and we had this opportunity to talk…..even if he just can’t understand the reasons for my decision to leave. This morning he received a confirmed diagnosis for autism, again we cried together, it is so heart breaking that a human being is unable to connect with another emotionally. However, I believe it is the neurotypical person that feels this acutely and the A typical person still doesn’t ‘get it’. This is so difficult for us both, but I can move on, although I will always feel guilty for leaving him…but he is left in this devasting world of autism. I have offered to remain friends, but he feels it would be too hurtful to see me; I will respect that. I have read how so many high functioning asperges ‘victims’ move on quickly following separation or divorce and I guess we know why, they need someone in their lives to guide them through social dilemmas. It has been a very difficult marriage, confusing, exhausting, frustrating etc. etc. And maybe I’m being too sentimental because I know the end is in sight, but I have learned a lot from him too and for that I am grateful. |
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Meggie 12:41 AM Thu 11th Mar, 2021 |
So I've been with my aspie bf for almost a year now but we have known each other since grade school. We spent almost all of quarantine together and we had some moments but it wasn't bad at all. I've always knew he was a little off but his behavior and quirks never really bothered me Until last weekend! We have been looking for places to move in together and after he told his parents they suggested we come by for dinner. I was so excited because he doesn't talk about them at all and I've only seen them on zoom a couple times. Long story short mid meal his mom bust out are we sure we want to move together due to his asperger ways? I said what's that? He just stared at me!! They all stared at me for the answer but he never told me he was on the spectrum! Something on tv caught their attention and they continued on like this bombshell wasn't just dropped on me. I looked up what it was and was shocked why wouldn't he ever tell me this. When I asked him in the car he said it's not that bad you had no idea right. It was just silence and we haven't talked about it. Ever since he has been acting so off and I've been looking at articles around the disorder. I'm wondering if this is the mask I've been reading about. I wish we would of never went to his parents house or even talked to them because things were going so good beforehand. If we're not unhappy, why did she even need to comment that at all.. genuine concern or bitter unhappiness? I can't help but feel like she said it because she is some way not happy for our future. His dad seemed ok that we were. I don't want to break it off but now I'm concerned she brought this issue up especially with how he's been acting for a few days. Do you guys Really think they're not able to have a good relationship with Anyone? Someone has to be "their people" right. Torn between cutting them out, him or Both. |
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Vicky 8:17 AM Wed 10th Mar, 2021 |
@raina - your example #254 was the funniest thing I have ever read in regards to comments we have all made about our asps. You make me wish I would have kept a running tally of wanting to bash my head against a brick wall. I am truly interested in what that number would be after 21 years. Thanks for the laugh, having a sense of humor is so important when dealing with their nonsense. |
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Raina 2:36 AM Wed 10th Mar, 2021 |
I felt chronically confused, drained, exhausted, and frustrated dating my ex with Asperger's. We still occasionally communicate, and this past week is example #254 of why he was so frustrating. Everyone else in my life was capable of communicating normally--whether that was responding or not responding, it was clear either way. With him, it felt like this frustrating back-and-forth, push-and-pull in which he thinks he's doing a perfectly adequate job of showing care when in reality his communication style is so annoying that it's just easier getting it done without soliciting his advice. When I have an emergency in my life, talking to him generates extra stress because he just doesn't have the empathy to understand what I need or why this even matters, because it's happening to someone else, and not to him. It's distracting and it's frustrating, and I know that if I were bring this point up to him, the best case scenario would be my patiently explaining to him why this isn't OK, and then him apologizing. Worst case would be him lashing out at me and saying this is just my being needy and entitled, when in reality, everyone else in my life was capable of communicating smoothly. He just generates extra stress in my life through his stunted understanding of human behavior, human dynamics, and communication. Sometimes, while I was dating him, I would figuratively want to bash my head into a wall. It was just very frustrating. |
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Time to talk 11:28 PM Mon 8th Mar, 2021 |
@jennyjo You said it best yourself: "following extensive research and therapy, I realise he can’t change". This is exactly what I'm coming to accept. No wishing, hoping, short-lived efforts or well-worded promises from them will ever be enough. They are simply incapable of changing in the ways we need and I don't see how anyone (NT) could be happy or satisfied in such an unfulfilling relationship. They will never be emotionally available or empathetic as they're simply not wired to be. I now see it's impossible for me to reason or truly connect with my partner as he is seemingly unable to put himself in my shoes - to add to the head f*ck, he actually thinks he's great at empathy! There is freedom in acceptance and I no longer expect him to change. Any change in our situation is going to have to come from me and I've just given him his marching orders. As for your hubby's recently improved behaviour, I recognise this pattern all too well. My partner always brings his A game (love-bombing) immediately after bad spells but it's an act and always short-lived. I've been guilty of falling for it myself but now I see it for what it is. |
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Vicky 2:30 AM Sat 6th Mar, 2021 |
@jennyjo - I finally divorced my asp last June (married 16 years, 2nd marriage, I will be 53) and he is love bombing the hell out of a new woman. Your ex will move on so fast you will be shocked. They are so good at pulling the Hail Mary when you go to leave and all your doing is delaying your happiness. I played the game for 4 years and I am still recovering physically and emotionally. The roller coaster of BS is not worth the ride. I am in my own condo now and it is so peaceful not dealing with him any more. I always have moments of doubt but I am focusing on myself and getting happier everyday. |
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Juju 2:28 AM Fri 5th Mar, 2021 |
I need to get out. In the past year he has become increasingly violent and crazy. I literally the gas stove last night the wrong way and he has a massive meltdown. He un p ugged the stove, shut puff the wifi, threw my phone in the sink and threw my shoes outside. Then continued a violent rampage that ended with him breaking his foot kicking things. This is insanity. Constant crazy making. This man needs everything around him perfectly controlled to his liking or he loses it. I have to get out. Like I am bawling quietly that this has become my life. This man is a monster. |
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Suz 4:48 PM Thu 4th Mar, 2021 |
Hi! Almost eighteen years now and I am really just now learning that I’m not crazy. Other folks have this disconnect as well? I am not wrong for craving affection or a reprieve from constant criticism? Wow. I fell somewhat validated. I miss passion and connecting with a partner. I cringe when our daughter is hurt by the obvious lack of empathy. I don’t know what to do. |
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Vicky 4:35 AM Mon 1st Mar, 2021 |
I want to share what my ex-asp did in the past week. I already wrote how we had an odd encounter and this eventually (over a week of back and forth nonsense) led to him acknowledging he was a bad husband and wasted many years of my life and apologized. Needless to say I was shocked and wondered if a therapist gave him this script because how else could he have after all this time recognize what he did? He was never good at apologizing. I know he now has a girlfriend and maybe she helped because he always listened to others early on in the relationship. I really don’t know but I was grateful but also as it always is with him, extremely confusing. I did ask if he knew why he treated me this way, he stated he was just selfish. I want to find peace but for some reason he brought up so much anger due to my emotional health being jerked around and he knew it but continued doing it until the point of me getting sick and becoming disgustingly insecure. He said he feels guilty because he saw the toll it took on me (I lost so much weight I didn’t recognize myself) but he still drug it out over 4 years. It really bugs me that after 10 months he can still cause my anxiety to be triggered. I am moving into a lovely condo tomorrow March 1 and I want to officially put him in the past and lock it away. I really hope I succeed in doing so. 🤞🏻 |
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Time to talk 10:13 PM Sun 28th Feb, 2021 |
What a huge relief to find this site. When I met my partner, he was kind, funny and very intelligent. He love-bombed me and I fell for it. He drank a bit too much and this got worse over time and eventually turned into a very serious drug problem. I realise now that he used alcohol and drugs to mask his HFA traits. Now completely sober, these traits are plentiful and impossible to ignore. Stimming, special interests, bouncy walk, socially awkward, virtually no eye contact, no friends, delayed response to questions, classically 'nerdy' into sci fi and computers etc. (he completely hid this side of his character from me in the first 6 months!), literally incapable of putting himself into someone else's shoes, zero concern for the welfare of others, sullen, rude, pedantic, black and white thinking, impervious to social norms, the list goes on and on and on... He shows no empathy and, when I'm sad, he either walks out, lectures me, stares blankly at me or tells me all the reasons why I'm wrong to feel upset. He's never once read the social cues that I might simply appreciate a kind word or a hug. Even though I know what he's like, this crushes me every single time. He is adamant that he is not on the spectrum. Sadly for me, I know the signs all too well as my brother and (abusive & neglectful) mother are both on the spectrum. When I first met him, in a lot of ways, he reminded me of my NT dad, who is sensitive and kind. I know realise it was all a front and that he is actually much more like my mother. I have to get out. |
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jennyjo 4:52 PM Fri 26th Feb, 2021 |
HELP ME: To those that have actually left their high functioning asperges partner ….I need your help right now. I have been married to my husband for 12 years, my story is on these posts somewhere, the same issues as everyone else, constant criticism, micro management, no confidence in my ability to do the simplest things, low level constant control, no love or affection, no intimacy doesn’t listen, ……..you all know the issues. To add to that story, this is my second marriage, and I am 61 years old now. I have left multiple times during my marriage, usually following one of his meltdowns. But each time I have returned after several weeks as my husband has promised to change, its only recently, following extensive research and therapy that I realise he can’t change. My life in this last year has become intolerable for me. Increased anxiety and all the symptoms that go with that. I called my doctor hoping for medication and her advice was that I should leave as she was concerned for my safety. I explained he had never actually hit me, but her strong advice was to leave. Anyway, I have finally rented somewhere and can move in in a couple of weeks. My husband took this news with grace…..a real surprise to me, I expected a meltdown. We are sleeping in separate beds since I told him I want a divorce. But now he is loving, attentive, emotional….constantly cuddling me. He lays next to me each evening and we cry together…..its killing me. I feel so sorry for him. I wanted so desperately for my marriage to work, I feel I have done all I can to help him to understand the effect his behaviour has on me but nothing ever improves for more than a couple of days. So to those who have left their partner, or those that are thinking about it….help me….I can feel myself relenting out of pity and I suppose love for him. I know I should leave…..I’m almost there but I think he is using these last couple of weeks to bombard me with love and affection…he is so bloody convincing I am so god dammed torn I can’t bear it. |
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Faye 4:09 AM Fri 26th Feb, 2021 |
Came back to this site again to read through everyone’s testimonial. I broke up with my aspie ex around a year ago but it’s interesting to me read up about aspie partners still. I’m in a new relationship now and there really is no comparison with the affection and understanding that you get with a NT partner. It finally feels like I have a boyfriend instead of a whiny roommate. I am so glad I ended things with my ex before it became too late. The first day I agreed to go out with him, he told his parents about it and renewed his lease for another year (he was about to move away in a couple months). This was all on day 1. I did think it was really weird but I thought he was just really naive and it kinda endeared me a bit. He never had a girlfriend before me. Thinking back, these were all red flags but I had no idea. I already wanted to leave around 2 months in, but I decided to stick around for another 2 years because I was trying to be understanding. Because, I know he actually loved me, but he’s so clueless about it. Sex was almost nonexistent and I wasn’t looking forward to them anyways because they were passionless and horrible. I was so sexually frustrated I go on tinder when he’s not around, but I never saw anyone in the end because I felt so guilty. He was so fussy with the little things like the texture of his sock it drove me crazy. I found this site and realized it was gonna be like that forever. I decided I did not want that and that my happiness comes first. People say we are evil because we say dating aspies are a nightmare. Well it was a nightmare. Call me evil I don’t care. I’m not gonna sacrifice my own happiness to babysit a grown man. I was truly miserable during my 2 years relationship with my AS ex. He was handsome and rich and brought me traveling often which sounds like the dream boyfriend but I was the unhappiest I’ve ever been. I only have one life and it’s okay to be selfish sometimes. A lot of you here are in this for way longer than me. Wishing you all strength. |
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Flávia 11:15 PM Sun 21st Feb, 2021 |
This week I had a moment of confusion and I would like to share it with you and ask for suggestions. I haven't spoken to my ex-boyfriend for 4 months because I blocked him from my whatsapp after moments of him wearing me out a lot, without respect and being rude all the time. We did not meet either because we are from different countries: me in South America and he in Europe. I wanted to experience the mourning of my relationship, but he always made me confused and in his strict terms, making it difficult for me. In other social networks he has access to everything in my life, in case he wants to search or want to know. I allowed him to come to me, but only when he was in decent condition (obviously, he still hasn't made a move). As I explained in the forum, I was abandoned in Europe, alone and with no one because he left me for a doctorate in Canada. I did not have any support, help or empathy... and because I was really depressed, without conditions, I returned to my country and started to remake my life with my degrees. After much effort and pain, in January I got an excellent position as a director at the city hall of my city and posted on Linkedin with a text. My ex viewed my post and entered my profile - I was notified about it, but he did not interact and did not react at all. He remained ghostly! Could anyone tell me why he did this? If he is not interested in the person himself and does not speak to me, why the curiosity about my life yet? Is this related to my professional life, a possible single focus of his interest? Does he care more about my status than myself? Does he hate the fact that I don't write to him and finally start to get on with my life? I know that he is in prison in Europe because of the Pandemic and has not been going to the Doctorate in the other country for 7 months (this is karma ironically, isn't it?). I would like any suggestions, please! |
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Seek Help 3:43 AM Sun 21st Feb, 2021 |
I found this website months ago in hopes to better understand my asp boyfriend of 4 years. So many stories resonated with me and his askew behavior bizarrely made sense. We have since broken up and I moved cities for work but we still keep in contact. I will always have love for him. I enjoyed coming to this site to read passages even after our break up until I told my psychotic, clingy, obsessed , no life roommate about these "testimonials" (she is a psych major) and she has became so enthralled with my life and Aspergers disorder that shes constantly giving me advice as if she was in a similar situation with an asp. She has been single for years and did not know anything about autism. I've caught myself casually telling her me and him were texting again (as friends) and she went so far as to reading passages aloud to me telling me why it relates and we shouldn't be in contact. It's pathetic. You will never know the damage these people can do until you personally deal with asp long-term. No one can tell you how you should go about your specific situation. After recently starting to see a therapist i realized NT really need better resources to deal with their aspergers partners. Even after the breakup. Seek professional help. Be vocal about your needs in therapy so you can get advice and real guidance from someone who knows their stuff and has your best interest at heart. You can move on and heal. No one can convince you of that but YOU. And don't be convinced after healing from your relationship that you can't maintain a friendship with your asp. Most times they love you they just can't do it right. In some instances friendship is best. Stay strong. |
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Vicky 11:14 PM Sat 20th Feb, 2021 |
Thank you Alex for your insightful feedback. I was listening to Robert Spira on his “what is love” podcast and he said something profound to me. He said something to the effect “as a child your openness with love must have been violated”. My mother had an abusive childhood, ran away at 15 and got married to my father an alcoholic. I was neglected by my mother & my father was never around and killed himself when I was 9. It seems so simple now looking back that being with my ex was familiar due to his neglectful ways. Also, when I opened up to him completely and allowed my vulnerability (which is hard for me) and he did not give anything in return it once again caused a huge impenetrable wall of defenses to come up. I love finding ways to evolve and when I am my healthiest emotional self I will then pursue a healthy relationship. The growth from all of this has been amazing and I look forward to a more peaceful present and future. Take care and I am grateful for everyone on this site and once again Alex thank you for taking the to time to reply to my post.🙏🏻💕 |
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Dee 1:34 AM Sat 20th Feb, 2021 |
@Lina. Wow thank you for your simple yet profound explanation. It has resonated with me. Comfort vs love. You’re so correct. Hence why they do move on so quickly. It’s not a narcissist but just how they’re wired. I’ve been struggling with the differences. I was involved with a man who I very much believe is on the Spectrum and highly functional. Great job etc. After 7 mos of accepting all of my ‘amazing ness’, but not getting much in return, actually nothing in return, I finally asked. I asked for a little appreciation and he returned the favor by completely cutting me out of his life. He explained via text that he wasn’t going to change for me and I needed to find someone who I’d be happy with but that was not going to be him. Poof, I was dead to him. I wish I had researched ASD prior to my pathetic emails and texts begging him to re engage. I could have at least walked away with my dignity. That’s what I’m most upset about. I realize now that you’re right Lina, he viewed this relationship as a failure, mask off, I ‘outed him’ and next. He love bombed me and hooked me then relaxed and was revealed. I know now that although he professed his love for me, it was just comfort in how amazing I made him feel. His father was on the spectrum and his son. When I asked him if he was, that’s when the cut off happened. Thank you for putting this in real perspective. It helps to move on. Knowledge is power. I’ve been struggling with this for 3 mos. This will be part of my healing. Comfort vs love. |
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Alex 6:24 AM Thu 18th Feb, 2021 |
Well @Vicky, at the end its always about frustration. But its not your head slamming a wall, for me it feels like seeing someone hitting over and over a wall. It would be so simple to do or say the right thing… but it’s just impossible. That’s why is so hurtful, and besides pain creates doubts and guilt. But it just has to be accepted as it is. It has nothing to do with you and there is nothing you can do to change it, common sense doesn’t apply much. I also think that as they understand the relationship as something quite fix, with not real connection to the partner, is very difficult reshape it. If the relationship itself doesn’t grow or go deeper, it seems a world to transform it into friendship. Anyway I’m not sure they consider of real interest to maintain a friendship with someone that have ignored even as a partner. But every person is a world, of course. I also made myself many times the question that @SeekingHelp posts. I’m sure they experience love as a warm feeling, I also felt her love as a warm spring from her heart. But I’m not sure that that feeling is really connected to the other person. Its difficult to love someone, as we understand, when you don`t truly care about that person. One situation that made me reflect about this was when one day she was wondering why one person she knew was taking care of someone in particular, when it was something that no one would expect. From the situation it was quite obvious that the reason was: because that person loves and cares about the other, that’s why is helping even if its not her duty, to say. She was totally confused about that and when I said: “I think it’s because she loves and cares about that person”, she abruptly changed subject. And believe me, it was quite clear why that person was helping the other. That’s when I think that love without empathy is just a personal feeling. Maybe comfort, as you say, maybe something deeper, I don’t know. But in any case without a real connection to the other person. Because as soon as there is a real need or issue, this comfort/love is over. For me is strange to love someone and not have the need of relieving her pain if anything happens. I find this coldness quite incompatible with love, at least as it is for me. Maybe is just my experience, but I always thought that she really loved some members of her family, and showed a real compromise with them. But I think she never really loved anyone else. Not me and not any of the partners she had before. But I’m confused about this, I am not completely sure. And I think is also confusing for them. It’s difficult to say that there is love when you mostly don’t care about the other person wellbeing if it doesn’t affect you or has direct benefit for you. If you have to make any kind of effort, love is over. That’s basically my experience. |
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Lina 8:22 PM Sun 14th Feb, 2021 |
I would like to make some contributions to the "Seeking help" comment. Before my relationship ended, I was already suspecting the existence of autism in our relationship (with my psychologist). And when I found out, I took some steps to understand what was going on in my ex-boyfriend's mind and how he experienced his own life. Obviously, my whole interpretation is based on my point of view, biased on an NT head and that are just assumptions. In fact, when my ex was supposed to describe some emotional significance of himself and the other, it was totally chaos and contradictory all the time. The love speech with reality was incompatible. He treated love as a theory identical to math books, in which the sum of two people should never go wrong. And if that went wrong, he should soon change all factors (person, circumstance, country) so that the result was as expected. It did not mean that he saw the importance of the components of the equation and that the whole dynamic was beyond his control, unpredictable. He could make very logical assumptions about things, but NEVER with an emotional lens. This is sad because I saw how "raw" and non-existent his idea of "emotional connection" - for him it was a great nonsense we wasted time caring for others. Virtually every question I asked, he had no idea how to answer. I rarely noticed that emotion was applied to his experiences, except for some that favored what he expected in his controlled life. I believe he said "love", but it doesn't exactly mean the way he experiences someone else's inner world. No personal motivation or tool he had corresponded to love in practical life, the one that works and changes the dynamics as needed. So, I agree with you that what we call "love", simply for him could be "comfort". When that comfort broke with the end of our relationship and I didn't accept any manipulation, it didn't take long for him to seek a new comfort - a person opposite me, with very different characteristics and even physically incompatible. A new person does not represent a barrier as long as the mask works and he does not have to work hard as a relationship that becomes complex. This new person could contribute with comfortable aspects about: traveling to a new country of which he has a hyper focus. In other words, effectively there is not the notion of the emotional world in the experiences, but the practical and useful questions, which demonstrate that they can control and be successful (for a while) in the investment they make. That is why when the relationship ends, there is no effort to save or reshape it - this versatile option does not exist, the result is already a failure. And "love", in the frank and pure sense, means "to break and fix" constantly when we are adults. We have a responsibility to ourselves and what we do to others. And with aspies, this responsibility is only one way, in which the partner is responsible for everything and must be perfectly compatible with their inner illusory idea of relationship (characterizing the typical perpetual failure). We must not accept these relationships because they do not have an honest core of reciprocity, companionship and mutual support. They are not healthy relationships and, in my view, they rarely will be. We were lucky to escape, but it is normal that this is not clear to many of us who still suffer from the sweet and false memories of a "love" of deception. Strong empathic hugs for you! :* |
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Lostboy 5:22 PM Sun 14th Feb, 2021 |
I have never been abused with such tender loving care. For nearly three years I knew I was going mad but I couldn't work out why.. even though I knew she was autistic, even though I was the first person in her life to tell her that she was autistic I still couldn't get my head around what that actually meant. I have ADHD so technically I'm not neurotypical either but even that was not enough to prepared me for her. I can't even really remember who was before all this. It will take a long time before I am able to write anything out properly but many of the posts here have been so helpful. This place feels safe. |
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Sabrina 7:10 AM Sun 14th Feb, 2021 |
Hi all. I've been reading these testimols for months now. I can relate to Cherie a lot. I've known a guy for quite a while now but only got super friendly with him Feb 2020, by Aug I was googling Autism which lead me to this site. The guy in question is very attractive, has a gsoh, messages me everyday, FaceTime, phone calls, meet ups (when we can) & has a good memory. He still lives with his mum ( he's 45 ), never had a gf, he's only ever kissed me in his life, he's sweet and funny, but I know my future path with him is frustration & hurt. I feel frustrated already! I know we'll never live together, he'll miss his routines him and his mum have, he never includes me in his future plans. He has a lot of routines. He does not show any affection (unless I initiate it), no compliments, no spur of the moment, no interest in my life, looks bored as hell when I start talking, stands away from me in public like I've got lurgy (that hurts a lot), has super sensitive spots on his body, tells the same joke over and over, I'm now faking the laugh at the joke, he's obsessed with watching the same tv series repeatedly, his dress sense is bad, he wears the same outfits over and over, day after day, year after year ( proof in old photo's ), his hygenie is terrible (sweat and urine), his balance is bad (I think he has dyspraxia) Yet, all I want to do is to be with him!! It's so frustrating, at times I wished he was a normal guy. I know that I can't change him whatsoever, I have to adapt to him and his ways. I'm so confused really. Do I take the plunge or forget him, after reading testimonials I should forget him, but now I'm addictive to him. |
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Seeking Help 3:39 AM Sun 14th Feb, 2021 |
I've come to the conclusion that they can't really love. Or can they? Do we ever know? Without empathy how can they care about our experience? Without the desire to understand how can they possibly feel love inside? Is it love they even feel? I wonder because sometimes I see this affection in his eyes when he looks at me. It's like a warmth, or softness that springs forth from deep within. But is this even love? I understand how I believed it was love all these years, but I can't presume to know what his experience is because whatever he communicates comes from a brain that interprets the world very differently than mine. The word he chooses, for instance, may mean something very different for him. Like, he doesn't know what empathy even means. He thinks neurotypical people are just making up a construct when they use the word. He thinks that perspective-taking is truly an impossible feat that we pretend to succeed in. Does he feel strange about the word love? Does he use this language as a way to get by but deep down have no clue what we're talking about? I can't assume that it's love at all. Maybe it's comfort. Maybe it's the peace he feels when he can go home and control his environment. When he feels "love" for me maybe it's that he's relieved that I love him and I'm not going anywhere. Sometimes when he makes love to me I think it's more about him pleasuring me, not for my enjoyment but for proof that I won't leave. If he can pleasure me I won't leave. I'll be hooked into his controlled, weird world. And if they can't really love, then what the hell are we all doing in these relationships? If we aren't truly being loved here no wonder we suffer so amazingly. I'm curious, do you believe that they can and do experience love? Or is it something else? |
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Vicky 4:51 AM Sat 13th Feb, 2021 |
I need any feedback that you guys on this site can give me. I went to pick up my taxes today and the lady tells me my ex-asp paid them and he told her how much he misses me and what he should have done to keep me. She looked like she felt so sorry for him. I reacted by saying it wasn't appropriate for him to pay and she just continued to look sad. I contacted him once I left because I did not believe him paying was appropriate. He gave me what I believe is a BS reason for paying and that he actually owed me since I was overcharged for his overtime when the taxes were divided. Anyway, I did ask him if he told the tax lady he missed me and he said "no and I am not saying anything further". I said we spent 21 years together and you can't admit to me you miss me but have no qualms telling a stranger. We then proceeded to move on in the conversation and I let it go. He then texted me after we hung up apologizing for upsetting me and that he noticed my tone changed. He then said "even a year later I say something and it comes off the wrong way". WTF?? Any comments or thoughts would be appreciated. My head feels like it was slammed against a wall and I just feel confused and weird. I only wanted to be genuine friends and comfortably admit if I missed him due to a long history but I have no intentions of it becoming anything more. It seems like it should be simple, we didn't work out as a couple but we still like each other so why not friends? |
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Awake 8:27 PM Fri 12th Feb, 2021 |
Finally, after 5 years of back and forth I’m truly DONE. I started distancing myself last year..not responding to his txts and turning down invites to participate in HIS favorite activities. I can’t explain why I’ve held on for so long. I guess deep down, i kept hoping our relationship would deepen and grow. Not happening. So, I’ve let go knowing that the memories were sweet but our time is done. The last and final thing I must do is block him from texting me and I am as soon as I get the opportunity. We cannot let allow someone to stand in the doorway..they’re blocking the way of true, healthy reciprocal love. Move in and heal. I wish you all peace |
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Cheri 7:10 AM Fri 12th Feb, 2021 |
I just found this site today. I have been searching and searching for a reason that I don't feel connected to my husband anymore. He has so many of the qualities that are describe by others. He acts like a child, I cringe at the way he talks to coworkers - he has zero knowledge of work etiquette. He forgets EVERYTHING I tell him. He remembers every detail about things from his past and repeats the same stories everyday. He does not know how to be passionate anymore. He pets me like a dog instead of caressing me. I cry almost daily because I feel like I am loosing my mind. His children have issues with him. He is not emotionally supportive at all. The one difference is - he is sweet. He never yells or cuts me down. He tells me daily how much he loves me, but yet I don't feel it. I know he loves me as much as he possibly can, but it is not the way I need to be loved. I am not going to leave him because I love him. I adore him. He just makes me sad. I miss having someone to share life with. He tries to do the things I like but he hates my interests. He won't watch TV with me, he watches the same series from start to finish (all six seasons) over and over. He laughs at the exact same jokes. It is as if it is the first time he has heard it. I don't know if he has Asperger's or is on the Autism spectrum, but it is too similar to not explore. I know he won't go to therapy, so I will go and try to figure this out. Reading the other testimonies has completely deflated me. I sent this link to my stepdaughter so we could try to sort this out together. We are overwhelmed to say the least. Does anyone know if there are different levels to Asperger's? Like I mentioned, he has so many of the characteristics, but he is so loving (in his own way). He is not mean or condescending. I do not walk on eggshells around him. If anything he walks on them around me because I am so upset all of the time. Anyway, thank you for reading this if you did. And I wish the best of luck to all of you. Feeling uncomfortable in a relationship sucks! |
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ghostinashell 1:16 PM Thu 11th Feb, 2021 |
I'm ashamed to say this, but I often find myself literally craving for her. I feel restless throughout the day and I end up staying up late at night in order to be tired enought to get to sleep. It feels like there's something missing, something essential, constantly. In my mind, I know this is not healthy and that I should get over it for my own well-being, but my heart says otherwise, it says that I won't never love so much again and that I'm lost without her. Then I want my mind to shut up and my heart to be finally satisfied, to the point where I can break down in tears and let go all of this tension. I feel that losing her will be the greatest regret of my life. I wish I could just hear from her again, and I fool myself into thinking that it's going to happen eventually, that she still cares. I know it's unlikely, but I still can't accept the idea that she's completely gone from my life, not like that. It's just too painful to bear. |
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Vicky 7:19 AM Thu 11th Feb, 2021 |
@alex - good to hear from you and your coming out of the fog of trauma bonding. I have been hiking lately which is something we used to do early on so it triggered nostalgia. However I have grown so much in the past year that I didn’t let myself fall back into wondering what went wrong or if there was anything I could have done differently. I have realized I was married to a grown man that responded emotionally like a 5 year old child. I can remember certain incidents and his response was child like but I could not rationalize how this grown man could be that clueless so I kept believing I was not making things clear or I was being too needy. I now look back and focus on me and wonder how I missed the obvious signs and why did I stay so long when I was clearly unhappy. I feel stronger everyday and capable of seeing the past more accurately since my feelings are no longer raw. Time is the ultimate healer and life is so much sweeter. I wish everyone the same. |
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Denise 5:25 AM Thu 11th Feb, 2021 |
Has anyone experienced this? Dated a great guy for 7 mos. The love inning was in the form of sex and lots of it. Sexting for two mos then abruptly stopped. When confronted, he just laughed it off with I never try to figure out why I do things. Ok fast forward it’s going great. Apparently I’m amazing and he’s never had a woman make him feel this amazing, great sex, cooking for him non stop etc. I received nothing in return. I can spare you the details bc you’re all aware. Uncomfortable with affection, socially awkward and more. I had reached my boiling point and after 7 mos was starting to feel unappreciated, devalued and taken for granted. I shared me feelings and his response was, I’m not changing for you or anyone. Not, hey you make me feel amazing and really, flowers a card a hug? Nothing!!! His father had Aspergers and his son has it. When I asked him if he had it, he completely cut me out of my life. Poof. Blocked everything and simply said I could never be happy with him. Like all of you, this has been a horrible process of accepting. I am embarrassed of the texts and emails I’ve sent to him pretty much begging him to just engage. Nothing. I’m a strong independent woman but he had a hold on me. I believe in time I will believe that I dodged a bullet. I was his third GF in 3 yrs. I’m pretty sure my replacement is there already. The relationship was all about him and the break up was too. My question to all of you survivors is, your aspies, did they have parents who had it? Does it skip generations? |
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Alex 12:27 AM Thu 11th Feb, 2021 |
Hi, i also still come back regulary to this site, after “my aspie” left me many months ago, almost a year. I have experienced the harshness of trauma bond. Is real and is out of one control. How can it possible to be in love with someone that has treated you in the cruellest way? Well, it is possible. And worst of it, most people don’t know about it, so will just tell you to get over it, leave the relationship, just forget that person. Well, that’s not possible. In my case I even avoided some friends that constantly urged me to cut any kind of contact with that woman. I was not able to do that, so instead I stopped my communication with them. The good news is that with time and professional help, is possible to weaken the bond, little by little. After all this months, I feel much much better. I feel calm, the overwhelming anxiety I felt last year has gone. Sometimes I still feel sad, guilty or things like that. Then I come here and it helps. My life has expanded, it no longer centres only around one person. I don't feel afraid when I communicate with people, I don't have to measure every word I say. In my case I work with her, and obviously she is not neutral to me. But I am not in horrible pain anymore. Like has happened to some of you, she is already into another relationship. And also asked me for help to make this new relationship work. But you know what, this new relationship is as poor as it was with me. And if it works is just because the other person is completely ignoring his needs. Now I know from “outside” how it is. I hear her talking in a very raw way about the relationship. Her partner needs are not important. Have that clear, if you ex is into another relationship, is not going to be better. And also has explained me some things that clarify some aspects, she was completely aware that in some cases she was making me suffer and she was being completely selfish, just using me for her benefit knowing that I would not get a return. She told me that she was completely aware of that, that it was unfair, only that she ignored it because “she was in need”. So don’t punish you too much, trauma bond exists and takes time to heal. Ignore those who urge to get over it. Is just not possible. For everyone will take a different time. But also don’t fool yourselves, the new relationship of your ex won’t be better than with you. Is just not possible, no matter how much they mask, is just a mask. And also as @Seeking Help says, have clear that they always decide how to behave, are completely mental and logical. And they often decide that hurting you is worth it, that their need is more important. Knowing that won’t break the trauma bond, but it surely helps to have a clear map of the situation. |
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Lina 8:44 PM Sun 7th Feb, 2021 |
Eventually I return to this site to read the testimonials and strengthen my journey forward and no further back. But it is very difficult to realize that when I'm distant from my new job or people, I feel sick again, rethinking in all the episodes lived two years ago. Obviously I haven't had any sign of his life since. Really, this trauma is not a small thing, but an extreme density for a mind to tolerate... I just wish I had more strength to separate myself from this story in an impersonal way, but I feel that it is extremely difficult to achieve. I still think like an NT and am not able to make efforts to project myself to an ASD head. If I could understand 1% of how it works, I would be more at peace and free from this story. But I can't and I never can. My life slowly begins to show signs of improvement after months. After being abandoned by my ex in another country, alone, in the pandemic, I returned to my country and finally got a job using my diplomas - which would be extremely difficult being stuck in Europe. The financial loss caused by my ex starts to be recovered by the new very good salary I receive. The contact with people has fueled my interactions in everyday life and this is very positive! Unfortunately, the pandemic and prison are too strict for a better scenario than this. But I already consider it a miracle what happened after declaring myself dead in another country. On the other hand, I know that he is extremely distressed/depressed because he has not yet traveled to the country of his doctorate (Canada) and because he is imprisoned in France without any mobility to fulfill his life's dream. He abandoned me for that and now I know he has nothing. I can say that the Universe has not abandoned me on the issues that everything we do has a reflection and transformation... unfortunately, he won't understand something of this magnitude, nor even be able to have time to think about things like these. But I don't care anymore, now I feel like I'm around the corner. I send my embrace to all of you who are struggling to leave or to stay. You deserve the best in this life (and always)! <3 |
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Roisin 1:42 AM Sun 7th Feb, 2021 |
"Seeking Help", your testimony mirrors mine to an exact "T" with the addition, in my case, of occasional meltdown violence thrown in. And you are one hundred percent correct, based on my six year experience - an Aspie partner will never be able to provide the emotional support that an NT requires -- all of the terms, in my relationship, were his, and I tailored myself to meet all of his unusual and very selfish (to me) needs-- and please, everyone, ask yourselves-- is this what you want for the rest of your lives? My answer, after a LONG six years, was a resounding "NO!" Stay strong, and make a good plan, all people posting here who are looking to leave, and know that your life will be immeasurably better if you are able to get out. |
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jennyjo 12:52 AM Sat 6th Feb, 2021 |
Ok, so I have been married to my ASP husband for just over 12years. We both have grown up children form previous marriages. My story is typical of others. We met, I experienced what I now know to be the ‘love bombing’. I found that slightly uncomfortable, I wished I had trusted my instincts. During our courtship he said a few inappropriate things to me and I would ask him to leave, but he simply wouldn’t. He would profusely apologise, and I would forgive him. I almost felt sorry for him and his awkwardness. My family including my children did not approve of him. Describing him as strange. But in the beginning I felt safe and secure with him. I agreed to marry him as I thought it would help him to feel more secure and less anxious about us. I find it almost impossible to describe how bizarre our relationship has become. He has gone from being so loving, attentive, complementary and kind to being almost dismissive of me. He never compliments now; he hardly notices me at all. He literally never listens to what I have to say. All decisions are down to him. He comments constantly on what I eat and drink. He shows no confidence in my ability to do the simplest things. He watches over me as I cook telling me how to do things better. He picks me up on the simple of things daily. It infuriates me. He talks about the future but only from his perspective and his picture of the future depresses me. He doesn’t want to talk about travelling and the good things in life. He is obsessed with money and saving….for what??? I tell him how his behaviour makes me feel, lonely, sad and very unhappy. Only when I’m at the point of walking out does he ‘appear’ to understand where I’m coming from and promises things will change. But we have been at that point so many times and things never change or improve for more that a few days. We are definitely on that ‘roundabout of communication’. Oh, I’ve done my research. I’ve tried to understand asperges, what I can do to make our life together good, but despite my increased knowledge on the subject it seems it can only ever be good for him…not me. I can understand asperges, but he won’t or can’t understand how his behaviour negatively affects me. To him I am ridiculous, never happy, always making a mountain out of a molehill! We’ve had therapy, months of it. He was an excellent therapist, experienced with A typical and typical couples. My husband attended gladly and I had such hope. But eventually I noticed he wasn’t really listening to me or the therapist…nothing changed. I think he went along with it so that I would feel better, so that I would feel sorry for him and stop complaining about his oppressive behaviour. I did for a while, but no one can sustain this soul destroying way of living forever. He has medication to suppress his meltdowns, which is positive. What has made me stay thus far is his almost boyish, naive behaviour that he throws into the mix now and again to make me doubt myself and how I perceive him….so confusing. But I’ve fallen for that so many times before and I can see this behaviour for what it is now….a dangled carrot when he knows he’s gone too far. But what I really can’t come to terms with his total lack of emotional support. I could be breaking my heart, crying and sobbing and he offers no comfort at all. I am constantly dreaming of leaving, looking at places to rent. I just need the courage to make that leap. |
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Hopeless Now Healing 1:45 AM Fri 5th Feb, 2021 |
I can honestly tell you with all my heart that I know what it feels like to be broken from an ASP. I need to say…not all ASP are the same as my experience. My heart feels it multiple times during a day. I am very loving, caring and giving person. I look for the positive in everything, and joy and love are fundamentals of life. Never did I know that the love I was sharing was going to break me, take me to my knees and almost destroy me. I have never in my life met someone like him or experiences the devastation and then how everything ended. I was totally taken advantage from an ASP man. I was just another girl in is many, many before me. Everything started out so amazing in the beginning, he swept me off my feet, he said all the right things and made me feel incredible. He told me a story about his life that had me intrigued, but it was polished and not facts, but I didn’t realize till weeks into the relationship. I was all in by then and we had this intense connection, I loved him. I felt like he really understood me and got me. That we go each other. The attention he gave me was like nothing I ever thought existed. I felt like I was the most important women in the world, and he and I were so connected. I know now that it was all false and security for him. I stayed way to long in this relationship and I ignored all the red flags in the early days and I ignored them. The flags were on fire even and I thought I was going to be able to make a difference in his life. I didn’t know he was autistic until 6 months into the relationship when he was diagnosed. I have just gone through one of the most painful experiences of my life, my nervous system couldn’t take anymore. In January I had what would be close to a breakdown. The adrenaline rushing through my body for weeks was something I can’t even put into words: all I knew was I was in danger and my body was telling me we were done fighting. Surrender had to happen. Accept the loss and give up fighting the fight that wasn’t mine to fight. The endless gaslighting, narcissistic behavior, the constant pushing and pulling away, me needing to change to be in his world and in a relationship, do things his way, and him triggering every wound of my past. I was officially broken. He has moved onto a new girlfriend (days after breaking up with me) and he told me he had found his life partner. Proceeded to tell me all the changes he was going to make in his life for the relationship, so he could be his best self. He broke my heart with every word because he wouldn’t do any of that for me or us. He watched it happen to me. After all I had done for him, it was unreal. I have learned so much about never doing this again. I had helped him in so many ways and even financially and then he tossed me like yesterday’s trash. He didn’t have any interest in bettering himself to help us. Instead, I spent months in counselling and researching how to be the best I could be to adapt to his ASP world. So that I could understand what he needed, the sensory challenges, communication styles, and how to even accept the lack of intimacy that was something he couldn’t get. He was a big talker and made himself sound like a real loving, giving man, but the issues were me. All my fault. That was why intimacy was a problem. In the end, I was the one that paid the ultimate price. Let me tell you, if you have the chance to get out, run as fast as you can, run like hell. If I had a wish it would be to have never met him. Some ASP people have narcissistic tendencies….and I was living in the hell of it for months. I thought once he got into a better place things would be better for us. He just left me instead. Its either you or the ASP but you both don’t survive, when thing are bad and the flags are exploding….someone will end up in pain and hurting and it will likely be you. You play with fire, your soul and your life staying in something so toxic. I was at my end in December and January, I could barely breath, my body has severe anxiety, and I was so close to needing to go to the hospital. I lost me while I was trying to save his life and the relationship. Now, I am working hard to heal from the TRAUMA BONDING, (It is a thing, and it is absolute hell), for the crying to stop and the triggers to be manageable. It is confusing and somedays I just can’t even manage. I struggle with missing him….and then I think to myself…”what is wrong with me” and then the shame overwhelms me. Missing him is part of the trauma bond…..it takes time and self love to get to the other side of this. It has become my only mission to no longer be a victim but to be a survivor of this. Anyone who has been a toxic relationship has strength they didn’t even know they had. I have to remember that I am one of many women he has done this to, I am a piece of his messed-up puzzle. The sad part is that the women who have been through this before me and are still recovering…..and those that come after me…..I can’t save them from the devastation they are going to experience. I can only hope and pray that his new so called “life partner” is stronger and wiser than I am, and has more love, giving, and caring because my tank was empty. I hope that she has tools that will help him and together they can be happy. You can have him. As I pick up my pieces, I am enough, and I am not changing me for anyone ever! My daughter said to me yesterday…the saddest part for him is he never really got to know you Mom, he was so busy trying to change the amazing person you are”. Be strong, know you are amazing and ROAR and SOAR! No more being silent and being told how to live. Live a beautiful and strong life. Choose YOU! Be aggressive in your healing…..we have life to live. Experience joy and never let anyone dim your light. Shine brightly! |
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Seeking Help 4:39 AM Thu 4th Feb, 2021 |
Here’s what this relationship will offer you: You’ll be alone. You’ll feel lonely and deprived most of the time, with the occasional, surprising bit of love coming your way. It’s like being single and going to the grocery store wearing sweats and not really looking at people, when the cashier tells you that your haircut is pretty. You like it, you feel good about it, but it’s not enough now, is it? It’s worse than being single because every day and every night you’re sharing your life with someone. You can’t help but want to be loved by them because their mere presence excludes the presence of others. They are your Significant other but treat you as though you’re insignificant. You won’t get your needs met but you’ll be expected to meet theirs. They will need space. They will need you to be patient and listen while they have meltdowns. They will be particular about how the house looks or in their need for routine and won’t be accepting of your ideas that may disrupt this. They will have to control. For instance, my partner needed to control all physical contact. I could touch his hair or the back of his neck. I could scratch his itches. But all touch had to be initiated by him. When I would try to initiate a kiss I could physically feel him tense up and hold his breath. I’m a highly affectionate and physically demonstrative person so I had to forgo my need to initiate. He expects this degree of cooperation. Don’t expect sex if he’s stressed. Don’t expect sex if we argued yesterday. Don’t expect kissing because it’s too overwhelming. The kind of patience that’s required of you is that of being a mother to a toddler. You act because you love them. You don’t act because they spend time loving you. The relationship is about patience and unconditional support (on your end only). Do you want this? And if you’ve decided you can forgo your needs for the relationship, realize that you will never be respected or appreciated for your sacrifices. They will never grasp the extent of your compromises and will NEVER be able to do the same for you. They won’t wake up one day and suddenly capitulate and love you the way you want. But remember something else, that I think about often these days; in the beginning they would pretend. They knew how to get you. They knew how to be kind and affectionate and somewhat attentive. You wouldn’t be here if they didn’t do something like this. So yes, they do know HOW to love you, they just don’t want to. They just don’t care enough about pleasing you to give you what you need to be satisfied. They recruited you as a caregiver to make this difficult life of theirs more manageable. That’s what love means to them. Notions of romantic love will make their eyes roll. If you think they aren’t carrying secrets like this you are wrong. If you always suspected that they weren’t telling you the whole truth, you are right. They play along a lot of the time to keep their interests protected. It isn’t just naivete and it isn’t cute. My partner can alter his tone of voice to fit the need. He will be monotonous when I’m desperately craving some empathy. He will express empathy and concern in his voice when I’m checked out and eyeing the door. They do know what they’re doing. They just don’t care. One time he told me, “I do have empathy. I just don’t care the way other people do.” Isn’t that all we need to know? I really appreciate this site for helping me through this. |
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Rose 7:09 AM Wed 3rd Feb, 2021 |
I agree with Lily. My relationship was long and I gave everything to help and be understanding.The lonely feeling I was always carrying, the constant arguing, the feeling of mistrust, because I caught him in many lies. We stopped being imtimate,That was another thing he was trying to work out too. I became like a mother or a sister looking up all the infomation I could to help him/us. It's like I don't exist anymore, but he does not want to let me go. My stomach started having constant pain from not understanding where this was really going? I had to end it for my health |
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Anna-Jane 10:54 PM Mon 1st Feb, 2021 |
Is there any research or articles on the impact of growing up with either HFA siblings or a HFA parent (or both siblings and parents?) I've posted here before about growing up with a HFA sibling and how I learned to almost think and react in 2 entirely different ways. It left me so unsure of myself and so torn between the 'comfort zone' of family and the way I saw NT friends and colleagues treating one another with far more empathy and respect, that for a while, I even wondered if I was autistic myself! In many ways I couldn't have wished for a nicer or more fun family, but there were incidents that left me in my teens and early 20s, feeling ashamed and humiliated because the way 'we' did things at home was just different. A few examples! Dad used to insist I rang at the same time every day to give an account of my day! He was almost obsessive about knowing where I was and what I was up to - so much so that one day when I was in my late 20s, he actually sent mum to the hairdresser's to see what was taking so long (I was having a cut, colour and blow-dry) My brother has a routine and as long as it is working for him - everyone else can just adapt and get over it!!! We are working together at the moment to look after mum, who has PCA dementia. He will check on her in the morning before going to work at the appointed time. He has several times propped her up in bed and given her a hot drink, knowing full well that the sheets are sodden because she's had an accident in the bed BUT....it would be illogical for him to make he effort to get her at least out of the wet bed and nightie, wrap her in a warm dressing gown and take her to her armchair because this would make HIM late for work and by the time he'd done it, I would have arrived to get her up, washed and dressed anyway! His parenting skills are also questionable. He will literally give in to his child's every demand provided it does not cause him any unacceptable inconvenience, but if his day risks being compromised, he comes down on him like a ton of bricks! Top of the 'inconvenient' list is tantrums and arguments, so he does all he can to avoid them and subsequently, has a child who orders him around and has zero respect for him, but also mimics his scornful attitude towards his partner, who he considers 'hysterical' and 'mad' because she 'keeps going on at him and blows everything out of proportion'. I keep wondering now, if his (ex) partner was actually ever as deluded and unstable as he suggested, or was she just showing the signs of the stress of living with him and feeling that none of her feelings and opinions were validated? Likewise, their son is apparently on the spectrum, but looking at a lot of his behaviours from my standpoint, I would question whether they are not more learned behaviour in order to make sense of his world? Now, I know I am not the spouse of an Aspie, but I hope this makes it to the Testimonials board. Family members deserve a voice too! |
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Lilly 4:01 AM Mon 1st Feb, 2021 |
@ B you ask in a past post if you can actually have a relationship/make it work w your aspie. No not really. Cassandra syndrome is real and it’s people who have endless understanding and want so much to make it work. Those of us that thought they were strong enough and were willing to or maybe did not understand our own needs, and therefore did not have the emotional intelligence to realize that it won’t work out. We all have needs. What I suggest is that you take an honest look at your needs. When exploring yourself, do so with the perspective that you aren’t with your aspie partner- that way you don’t kid yourself or short change yourself of understanding your needs. At the end of the day, I say no, it will deplete and destroy you. You have to take care of yourself first. You have one life and it’s meant to be lived and for you to be the best person you can, NOT to be unhappy, depressed, and depleted. Don’t feel guilty. This is to anyone else on this forum that wonders, but you own nothing to anyone except yourself first. You owe yourself. You feel guilty of you run a person over or steal lie or cheat. You don’t feel guilty for taking care of yourself and being kind to yourself. I wish I had never met the aspie or at least had run when I noticed that I was feeling drained insecure and stressed. Btw, the aspie I was with is now with someone new. She does a bunch of his paper work for him while she sits in a room while he’s at work. When he gets back from work or if she’s with him on the weekend, it’s mostly him going on and on about his special interest (work) and barely even giving her food to eat. Several people have heard him and her fighting already and I get the sense that they are in an on off relationship, she seems frustrated and coworkers hear them swearing at eachother on the phone and yelling. It’s only been 4 proper months or so of them being together. I think they are already living together. So my point to tell you this is that the aspie isn’t going to change for anyone. They CANT. period. It’s a mix of narcissism because that’s what autism is partly - within themselves only. My advice- run and intend that you find someone that’s as crazy in love with you as you are of him, be bold enough to realize that there’s better out there and you deserve it!! |
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Vicky 3:03 AM Mon 1st Feb, 2021 |
@janet & seeking help - Of course all of us understand your plight. I feel when I miss him and focus on the good times and even the bad times my ego is in charge of my mind. When I focus on myself and enjoy being single, my true self is in charge. We are intelligent, realistic beings but we were so conditioned for so long that the constant problem solving of an impossible relationship warped our logic. How I am handling the duality with my thoughts (missing him vs being relieved we are done) is just being aware of them and deciding which are serving me and which are keeping me stuck. This constant state of awareness is helping me to stay focused on the joy I feel at times. I also realized by being in that type of relationship for so long I actually got used to being numb emotionally and my light dimmed. I now see glimpses of my light and that is what keeps me focused on me. We all have a need for love but when we are in an emotionally deprived type of relationship it is worse than no love at all, for me anyway. I am reminding myself to be patient with the process. I wish you both the ability to find you are worthy of a much better relationship. However, I am finding my relationship with myself is the best course I have taken for me in my entire life. I have always allowed relationships to take so much out of me, I give up too much of my needs for theirs. Therefore, I know I don't have enough love for myself in order to be in a healthy relationship with someone else. I wish you both peace and happiness. |
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Janet 9:48 AM Sun 31st Jan, 2021 |
It's been 4 months since breaking up with my Aspie and I use this site whenever I feel the urge to reach out to him. Thank you all for sharing your stories, they have helped me immensely and I can relate to every single one of them. I thought it was about time I contribute myself. Maybe it could help someone else. Someone below asked if anyone's Aspie partner seemed annoyed with them all of the time and yes, yes, yes! That became us. And whenever I tried to ask him about it or point it out to him when he was being rude or mean he would say that he wasn't. Whenever I tried to talk to him about anything he would stonewall me or gaslight me. Our relationship became a hell for me. I felt so alone and crazy. The best way to describe it was that he acted as if he resented me for something. It was like underneath it all he hated me. That's how he treated me. And then he would deny everything and anything I ever brought up. I lived on scraps of affection that seemed inauthentic and inappropriate. He didn't include me in his life or tell me anything about it never mind ask me anything about mine. I felt no love from him. So, you'd think leaving him would be easy? Right? I mean what a horrible boyfriend! But that's the strangest thing of all that I can't understand. I think I still love him. Our first year was unbelievable. I had never been with someone like that before. He was the perfect man, and we were so close. Then, I don't know what happened but he completely changed. The person who once treated me like gold now seemed irritated by me constantly. He stopped making plans, stopped texting, he needed weekends alone, he even seemed to lose his memory and when I would bring up stuff from our past he would say "that never happened." It was so upsetting and I kept thinking I was going crazy because that's how he made me feel. I tried everything to make it work and I was left exhausted as he seemed more distant and cold by the day. When I finally couldn't take it anymore he just said "yeah we don't work" and wanted to be friends like we hadn't just spent the last 5 years together. It was nothing to him and he never once, not a single time, apologized for anything, ever in our entire relationship. I cut off all communication and blocked him on everything and am rebuilding myself slowly but surely. It's really hard because we live in the same neighborhood and he works just down the street from me. I have days where I feel amazing and liberated and happier than ever and am so grateful to have broken free. And then I have days like today where it takes all of my strength not to reach out to him as my heart still thinks of that first year we had together and has a hard time realizing that it wasn't real. There are reminders of him everywhere. I don't understand what the hell is wrong with me! He treated me like garbage, why on earth would I waste even one minute thinking about him when I KNOW he doesn't give a crap about me and has moved on just fine. I feel defeated right now, and scared that I will never get over him. I'm also scared to ever date again as I feel completely used and duped. I'm scared something is wrong with me to even still love him like I have no self worth or something. Thank you all again for your support, you are all helping to keep me strong and remind me not to try to go back. I would not have made it this long without you. |
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Seeking help 4:21 AM Sat 30th Jan, 2021 |
I don't know why it's so hard to leave him. I spend most of my time in affective deprivation. I spend 80% of my time in a state of ambivalence and dread about having to leave and feeling guilty about going, while also feeling angry about never getting my needs met consistently. When I do decide to leave, he will come in and sweep me off my feet. He suddenly has the attention, eye-contact (although always minimal), affection, sexual desire, and even tears. His tears make me think, he loves me. Don't hurt him. He loves me, we can make this work. I love him. But within two to three days he's back to his preoccupation and his special interest. He's self-absorbed in his conversations and he seems oblivious to my feelings or inner world. I've been playing out this pattern with him for so long it's embarrassing that I haven't committed to leaving. I'm tortured by my own inability to follow-through with the end. What keeps me involved? I just can't figure it out. What keeps him involved? Due to his mind blindness he has a way of forgetting the troubles of our relationship and just staying the course. He has the ability to ignore me for the greater cause (his work schedule) without an inkling of guilt about my pain and feelings of neglect. Then, when he's ready, he wants to have someone who will listen to his stories and rub his back. He doesn't have needs (sex, touch, passion, intimacy, deep connectedness) the way I do so it doesn't bother him when it's missing. But why do I stay? That's the part that doesn't make sense to me. Does anyone else struggle terribly to leave and feel guilty about staying or going? It's a torturous limbo I'm in. |
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Nana T. 2:35 PM Fri 29th Jan, 2021 |
@So Tired, you're onto something about the farting thing. One friend of mine dated one aspie guy for a couple of months last spring. She told me and his new girlfriend this 'That he burps n farts a lot' She said that whenever they videochated, after the burp or fart he’d say what he thinks it is. Like he would say "I had broccoli today that’s a broccoli fart."' She sent him gifts such as rings and a box full of snacks(cost $20 to send). She says all HE sent HER was cards that he made himself. |
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Lilian 8:20 PM Sun 24th Jan, 2021 |
@Heinrich, I understand and share your despair and your sadness about these memories. It's the most difficult thing about these relationships with them... The confusion is so monstrous that there is no discernment of what was true, if we are genuinely involved and if our memories are really valid in a story. I loved the moments I had with my ex-boyfriend and thought it was a very strong and connected partnership. He was a lot of fun, completely incompatible with our end! It's simply unbearable and painful to reflect that it was a mist of deception, an illusion created successfully. I avoid looking at the photos or recovering any memories of the two of us together. I feel cheated and this is too much to face. |
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Michelle 6:46 AM Sun 24th Jan, 2021 |
Being in a relationship with an aspiring is without a doubt the most intense torture imaginable. My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years. He moved in about 6 months ago amd we have a business together... Our “bond” is eroding , he is shutting down and literally not talking to me. He says we spend too much time together so when we have work projects that require hours in a car getting to the work destination he won’t talk to me. Total silence in the car. When we get to our destination he comes to life and is super talkative and engaged with clients. Then... back in the car and total silence. I thought with enough understanding of this condition I could manage the situation. I have been reading books for years as well as seeing a special Thearpist for 2 years that specializes in autism spectrum “mixed” relationships. The challenge it seems isn’t my lack of trying and patience. It’s his. Everything is one sided ... I’m the one putting in the work, time as effort. I am devastated and really tired right now. I’m heartbroken and depleted. I was told today that he sees me too often amd would rather spend hours helping strangers than be with me. He thinks my need for positive words of affirmation are a weakness . He has never said I’m pretty, good at anything, fun.... has never said I love you, only introduces me by my name and not girlfriemd, doesn’t say we or is just I. Has never held or snuggled me. Is highly critical ... I feel So trapped. I feel like if this falls Apart I am worthless and the worst of all words needy. Thank you for listening... |
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Vicky 6:24 AM Sun 24th Jan, 2021 |
@ghostinashell - I look back on my 21 year relationship and believe I stayed due to many variables. We both worked shift work and they were opposite shifts so I had minimal opportunities to see the full extent of his asp tendencies. Also, I am a very independent career focused person and wasn’t overly concerned with relationship frivolities. He was my Prince Charming in the beginning and I had a prior marriage that was pretty bad so he seemed perfect. Due to our lifestyle it was a slow reveal that I just couldn’t put my finger on what exactly was missing. We were well matched sexually, financially and on issues of life. I have no I’ll will toward my ex and absolutely want the best for him. I could not believe how lonely my life became and he just progressively got more distant and obsessive with his hobbies and making money. I have no regrets about the relationship and am grateful it is over for both of us. |
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Sotired 6:17 AM Sun 24th Jan, 2021 |
@Laurie My ex does the same burping thing. Not in the first couple of years, of course. He burps then verbalises it as he breathes out, almost sounding like a vomit. It's outrageous. And totally controllable. I'm glad to hear you're making a plan to leave. As with all abusive relationships, it's safer to have a strong plan with support if possible and don't tell him until you're completely gone. My ex created SO much trauma that a couple of times i left i actually went back to make it stop. There are many different types of people on the spectrum with varying developed coping strategies. Mine unfortunately is extremely narcissistic. Don't underestimate the chaos and mind games that can be created if they know you are leaving. As I'm sure you know this is not a normal break up. The sad thing is, they don't want you to leave because of Love...it's because you are an interpreter for them to the world and the world to them. Your empathetic, compassionate, social, kind, funny self is a host for them. Its too much to ask one person to do with very litte in return. Good luck! I hope you experience true freedom soon. |
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Laurie 12:25 AM Sun 24th Jan, 2021 |
When I do leave and feel safe he is going to go into a rage he may never come out of. I am sort of laughing at the scene and yet completely broken as I can't be honest with him and have to operate in a passive aggressive sick sort of way all of the time around him. We all want to appear normal and he has no regard for me yet we live in a small rural area where image is everything. |
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Laurie 12:21 AM Sun 24th Jan, 2021 |
Oh, and the ridicule, blame and rage have crippled me emotionally! There is no reasoning ability in him. My marriage has been a complete waste of my time, energy and all other resources. He contradicts everything out of my mouth as if he doesn't have the mental capacity to even see something from another person's perspective only his myopic view. His mom has been in a 65 year marriage with his dad who has Asperger's written all over him! It is comical yet a tragedy to watch their interactions. It will be a miracle for me to physically get out of my situation. However, I do have a plan that is unfolding with each passing day! I am not sure what reality looks like anymore and I am not sure I can integrate back into society but I have faith and put one foot in front of the other... |
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Laurie 11:23 PM Sat 23rd Jan, 2021 |
When my husband burps he has this odd sounding routine and it sounds like a whole symphony performance. Very odd and he does it many times a day. Never seen anything like it in my life. He is undiagnosed HFA. Very unfulfilling to live with him. Never any conflict resolution skills as he gets a headache immediately if I confront him about the most minute thi that in the real world would be resolved with a real quick mutual understanding and agreement. Then move on to living and enjoying life and progressing and growing as a person. Not with this guy. Constant frustration about trivial things that are irrelevant. Always majoring in the minor. Always! I can't believe how what I read in the posts completely resonates with the Dynamics of my "marriage." He is just plain weird at the end of the day. We have no spiritual, physical or emotional intimacy. None! I say nothing as he doesn't have the capability of seeing or hearing me. He is a rancher so lives in an empirical world across the board. All about attempting to stuff himself with lots of material things excessive work, gambling, alcohol and "showing well" as they say in the animal world. |
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mel 12:05 PM Sat 23rd Jan, 2021 |
Does anyone elses aspie seem annoyed at you a lot? Especially over small things. Some days I feel like I cant do anything right. He also denies it when I say he sounds annoyed at me. Its quite infuriating. I miss how he was in the beginning |
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Sotired 8:14 AM Sat 23rd Jan, 2021 |
@B Oh my gosh...your description of that interaction with your husband has been my everyday for almost 16 years. Interactions that should have been tiny nuanced understandings turn into these soul crushing distressing word salad nightmares. No matter What level of organisation or eons of explaining i would do, very little would be understood by him. I personally just became more and more exhausted, unhinged, and so so empty. It's not how any of us should be spending our time. As the years went on, the more it was all "My fault" the more abusive he became, the further away I became to the functional, strong, confident, joyful person I once was. Give me something real to fight about, give me someone who can have conflict (however hard) but come to a resolution, an understanding. This is like screaming into mud and drowning, over nothing. |
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Sotired 8:00 AM Sat 23rd Jan, 2021 |
@ghostinashell Regarding why we stay for a long time. The answer is complicated and I'm sure different for everyone yet with some common parrallels. I've found that my ex HFA partner had a range of coping mechanisms which were supported by his mother. These included deeply narcissistic traits, abusive tactics and developing truly endearing character traits (ones that work particularly well with younger women). A great book to read is "Look what you made me do" to describe the often covert behaviours of abusive people which lead to an onslaught of debilitating issues with the receiver. Ranging from physical sickness to cognitive issues etc. For me personally, my ex had this seemingly really compassionate creative side. He's a musician and so uses that as a really easy way to pull people in without having to verbally communicate, he could be a whole character without having to make eye contact or speak to anyone and would cover particular songs to portray a personality he didn't have. He could only sustain this for brief times so the outside world would see him as social, sexy, connected, emotional etc. But then take that person home and you have a moody, controlling, pedantic, silent, distant awful person. It took around 6-12months for this mask to drop. And by that stage so many covertly abusive tactics have been used that your brain just doesn't quite work the way it once did (There's a lot of science behind this, but too much to explain here). I tried to leave about 3 times in total over 15 years, and when I left he said he would change, started counselling (But never addressing autism) became the person at home that everyone sees outside etc. A person can only live a character for so long though, so the mask would slip eventually. The cycle would just go on and on, and what is common also is that being with someone like this means you are usually isolated and often dealing with a lot of shame. Which ultimately makes it hard to leave for many reasons. Don't discount the powerful coping tactics that HFA folk develop from birth to find a sense of place and power in a really confusing world. I'm in no way saying all Autistic people are like this, but mine was. |
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Heinrich 10:58 PM Wed 20th Jan, 2021 |
I hate all the good moments we had. They were so, so nice. I still know how he looked at me and smiled. But it was all a play. But it is so hard to forget the good moments. I wish I had never met him. |
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ghostinashell 5:58 AM Wed 20th Jan, 2021 |
I have a question. Many people here seem to have stayed with their Aspie partners for a *very* long time, sometimes even decades. If the relationship is so excruciating as you say - and I believe it is -, why have you stayed so long? Why have you even started a family with such difficult individuals? I am genuinely curious. |
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Brenda Hynes 5:42 AM Wed 20th Jan, 2021 |
Thank you for your responses. I sincerely appreciate it. I know people here have experienced similar things. It's nice to know someone is listening. I understand exactly what you mean about the loneliness and lack of emotional connection. I am living with it as well. All the best to you all. |
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flawedplan 5:31 AM Wed 20th Jan, 2021 |
@Fla, yes to all of what you say and then some. The silencing feels almost conspiratorial, but it's more that this is all new and overwhelming and easily dismissible in the face of the militant efforts of the ND movement to sanitize the autistic identity. I have a fledgling blog about my troubled relationship that I sometimes think I stay in just to keep publishing what's going on in it. Secret facebook groups have their place, but above-ground public access sites are slim pickens. This makes me crazy. Hard to believe feminists don't even know we exist, on any grand scale, but that day will come. We are the underpinnings of a movement yet to be born. I hope you feel free to keep us posted on your academic endeavors. It is past time for this. xoxo |
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Flá 9:30 PM Tue 19th Jan, 2021 |
Dear @mouse, thank you very much for following some comments I make and for offering me a lot of support <3. Your message was a great motivation for me to continue towards this study journey, even if it's personally painful and irritating to sometimes enter this world many times even after the end of a relationship. I'm very saddened by the damage that aspies can cause and reading so many of these testimonies hurts my heart.. I think one of the reasons that my aspie banished me from his life is that I'm very stubborn and I just don't accept things as they are, I'm angry when people impose things on me. Life with an aspie looks like a complete slavery contract, in which any right to exist is taken away. My dream is to return here to help all of us in the future, without having to suffer so much to convince about all of this! A loving hug. :* |
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Aussie 12:44 PM Tue 19th Jan, 2021 |
Dear *B*.... I have no answers but plenty of empathy for what you described. Your experience was mine many times. It’s really difficult. And yes some people or most people probably can’t understand. Don’t doubt yourself though.... it’s likely that no matter how differently you do things something will go wrong in the process of trying to deal with what should have been a simple thing. There’s something about those states and anger that are very disturbing. If you just back off when they make you feel like crying they can think you are being difficult or even that you * realised you were wrong but were too proud or stubborn etc to apologise.* if you try to sort it out the anger can escalate. He really needs a qualified professional to plainly let him know HE has the problem. In my case that never happened... I had no idea he had “ autistic tendencies” till fairly recently after over 30 years of a sometimes very difficult marriage. Looking back I think the stares and anger were because of a sort of paranoia... my diagnosis... in which he temporarily at least viewed me as an enemy. It’s not easy. Knowing that you are right helps. When one child was in their midterms they actually confronted their Dad about his treatment of me. That was brave. I don’t think it was believed or accepted. ((((Hugs!))))) |
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Anon123 9:26 AM Tue 19th Jan, 2021 |
I'm here again, I thought It'd be months at least since I'd have the need to be back but unfortunately having an autistic husband is a daily battle. I can't thank God enough that I ended up getting my period and not a.positive pregnancy test, that's for starters. @ B I literally can relate to you so much! My husband is the exact same, I tell him things on the day and even very shortly prior and he seems baffled that I didn't tell him, its like he is deaf. My young son is on the spectrum and he seems to 'get it' more than his father. I honestly can't believe a grown man needs assistance and reminding with so much. My young daughter is starting to realise her dad is different and difficult, she hasn't said anything but I can tell with the way she constantly has to articulate herself and the way she explains things in minute detail for her father to understand. I'm so sorry for my children the most. I'm glad school holidays are going to be over soon so they can spend time in school around normalcy and not an overbearing father.I do the most I can to encourage my children and shower them with all the love, attention and guidance in their life but having a father on the spectrum overpowers my presence. Its soulcrushing. My life consists of walking on eggshells to keeps this manchild happy. Nothing i do or say is ever good enough, he criticises the children so much! I've tried explaining that children so young do not need so much criticism, positive reinforcement is what they require in order to grow up with healthy minds but he says i need to shut my mouth when he is disciplining the kids and that he knows better. Yeah right, pyshco. I love my children at this young beautiful age, but for the sake of their own sanity and mental health I can't wait for them to grow up, have independence and fight against their father and his controlling attitude. I hate him so much, and wish everyday I could leave him. |
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B 8:55 AM Tue 19th Jan, 2021 |
Anyone think it's possible for me to have a fulfilling relationship with my husband with aspergers? Eleven years in I realize he has aspergers. Finally, it makes sense. At the stage now where I am trying to adjust to him to hopefully change the dynamics. Am I kidding myself that I can make it work? Thoughts anyone? |
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Vicky 6:43 AM Tue 19th Jan, 2021 |
@B - I would recommend a white board, calendar or some other type of item that you can list appointments, chores, activities, etc. Obviously listing the date, time and subject. Another option is a reminder app on his phone. The circular confusing communication struggle will be an ongoing battle. I was in your shoes where there were many positive aspects of the relationship but the deal breaker for me was lack of emotional connection and an ease of interacting. My ex is a gorgeous and kind man but I felt so lonely and unloved. I am a very compassionate person and was always so protective of him but I lost me along the way. I do not have children so I was able to leave after 21 years. However, it sounds like you want to know how to interact with him without crying or the confusion. I am not sure that is realistic, maybe accept his limitations and find ways that work. This incident you mentioned has given you an idea on how to handle it when/if it occurs in the future. I hope your continued research helps you learn different ways to communicate and you stumble on one that clicks for your specific relationship. |
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mouse 3:02 AM Tue 19th Jan, 2021 |
@Flá. I think most people won't be able to understand, why these relationsships can be so soulcrushing, but maybe a few. In my experience, people who tried something similar, usually recognize the pain, and strain... Luckily there is at least some research out there, that put the negative mental and physical effects of this type of relationsship on the nt partners into numbers. Maybe thats the way..? And yes, probably not an easy project to do...! But the more knowledge/research the better maybe..? Always believe ur self, make it a rule<3 |
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B 12:55 AM Tue 19th Jan, 2021 |
Hi everyone, I wanted to share my experiences in the hopes of letting it out. I also hoped some of you may have helpful tips or insight that may help me along. First, let me introduce myself. I am a Mom of two and have been married for almost 12 years. About a year ago my son was diagnosed with aspergers. Over the next 6-7 months I read alot of information hoping to find a way to support my son. Through all of this research I came to realize that my husband also has aspergers. Looking through the lens of aspergers our married life suddenly made sense. It explained so many interactions that have occurred over the years. Now, I am only 4-5 months into this realization and I have been trying to improve our relationship. I spent years talking and talking, just trying to reach him. It has resulted in very little change and me feeling even more frustrated because I am trying so hard. At this point I am trying to change how I interact in the hopes this may foster some positive changes. There are many good things about the life we've made together but I feel isolated in the relationship. That the reciprocal interaction you look for from your partner is just not there. So, I miss that emotional connection and emotional support. Let me share an interaction that just happened today. Some small, minor thing creates a conflict. I had told my husband I had an appointment several times over the previous days ( he does not remember and it is as if I have never mentioned it). I have also said I am going out today a short time before. He comes and asks if I am going out in such a way that I think he means right now. I say no, I'm not going out now. He looks confused and even slightly irritated. So I say I'm going out later. I'm going to my appointment. He is standing with a very strange look on his face as if he is wanting me to say something. I don't know what he wants me to say, in my mind I have answered his question. But he is still standing there looking at me. So, I say, What? You're looking at me like I have ten heads. He says, don't you have to go out? I say, yes, I've told you, I'm going later. He seems very frustrated now. I say, I'm going at 3:30. He says something like I knew you had to go out. Why wouldn't you just tell me where and when? I'm shocked because I had already told him several times and he never actually asked me. So I say, I didn't realize That's what you were asking, you never actually asked "What time are you going?". At this he storms off clearly very pissed off. He's very angry at me and I have no idea why. I get up and call out to him so we can talk face to face and clear up the confusion. I have to keep asking him to come talk. He says it's always my fault. I can't even talk to you because by the end of the conversation You're telling me I've done something wrong. By now I am crying. I have no idea what I did or why he is so angry. And all I was doing was explaining I didn't understand what he was getting at. To me, it's just a normal interaction, people misunderstand each other all the time. So I would just say why I misunderstood. Then the other person would say, oh, I see, I just meant this. You'd both kinda chuckle and move on. But this small interaction turns into how critical I am and he is extremely angry. I have to practically force him into talking it through. I end up in tears and painstakingly explaining every detail and trying to get him to understand. These interactions make both of us deterred from interacting alot. We do things as a family But very few things just the two of us. These incidents happen almost daily. I feel hurt, frustrated and wondering how to change it. Eventually he says I need to work on it. He seems to understand. But this is not new, many times I think "he gets it" but he just never seems to be able to apply it in the next situation. Anyone have any thoughts or insight? I'm in a strange place where we have too much good to leave the relationship but yet I feel I am missing the most important piece in a relationship. So, I am just stuck somewhere in the middle. Anyone out there relate? Thanks for the ear. I find most people don't really want to hear about it so hard to talk it through with anyone. I appreciate it. Thanks |
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Kitten 5:13 AM Mon 18th Jan, 2021 |
I finally had the courage to tell my husband after 3 years of dealing with his ASD I want a divorce. As difficult as this was for me, I am not capable to the level of empathy that he needs. I have received little empathy in return over the years. Looking at him, or being a friend, people can not understand. I did not understand. I can no longer sacrifice myself to understand. I was charmed by him in the beginning, as a love interest you become the obsession. You will find they have an array of special interests, and for anyone they can be charmed by the Aspie especially in the beginning— I was. I noticed as time went on how quickly he emotionally unraveled. He would abuse alcohol, drugs, I believe he has been addicted to cocaine throughout most of our relationship. He has not worked in a year, and he has gotten worse. Violent outbursts of diabolical proportion, followed by hollowed apologies. It is emotionally abusive. When he did get physically violent with me I called the police in the past. I am only listing the bad traits, but the reasons I stayed in the past was due to his charm, albeit superficial. He is intelligent, and funny at his best. Yet he can sit around all day smoking weed, and watching videos and he is contented with that. His hygiene is horrific. He did not understand in the beginning of our relationship I told him the importance of washing his hands. Something we all learn in Kinder! He is emotionally very immature for his age, like that of a teenager. We had almost no social life, I had almost no support system. There were times even his mother was in disbelief with how he would treat me. The brain of an aspie is hardwired. As a neurotypical woman, I want love and affection. I want friends and a social life. Being with him as long as I have I feel like he has socially retarded me. I had already dealt with depression and anxiety before. I’m now coming out of the fog and I have finally began to see me again. It is a refreshing feeling. I believe normal men are out there, but I advise to be wary of the charming, love bombing. |
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Kayla 5:44 AM Sat 16th Jan, 2021 |
I had a short term relationship (6 months) with a young divorced guy I believe had HFA. I didn’t realize until after. He masked heavily in the beginning. On our first date he told me how he went on a bad date with someone who gave him too much eye contact and it made him uncomfortable. He also mentioned that his brother had severe autism and was non-verbal. He was divorced from his high school sweetheart after a 10 year relationship because she cheated multiple times. I couldn’t understand why anyone would cheat on such a handsome, shy, intelligent guy who had a good job. I guess I have a bit of the wounded bird syndrome and wanted to love him back to life. He seemed really into me in the beginning, he even brought me to a work event super early in the relationship. I asked him if it was too soon but he said it’s okay to bring a date. Looking back I think he did that to appear like a regular social dude. I mistook it for genuine interest. He also introduced me to family early on as well. I noticed that he wasn’t very generous or thoughtful. He complained of having to pay on dates with women he dated in the past, so I made sure to pitch in or pay for him sometimes. I bought him nice thoughtful gifts for his bday and he bought me terrible gifts for mine. He was extremely passive. I noticed stimming behaviours such as rocking, echolalia. He talked about how he gets triggered easily. he criticized everyone all the time. He wouldnt cuddle after sex or in bed he would turn his back and be as far as possible. It felt horrible but I didn’t say anything, I thought maybe he just wanted his space. I now understand it was probably sensory issues. Towards the end he stopped putting in effort. He was super anxious about ever becoming a dad, he said that he was afraid of passing on bad genetics (which at the time I didn’t understand at all because he was tall, good looking, intelligent, financially stable) I had no clue what he meant. The way it ended was pretty horrible, we were out with someone his friends and he walked ahead of me, ignored me, acted like we weren’t together. It felt like he was embarrassed or ashamed to be with me, super passive aggressive. He was trying to get me to end the relationship (I found out later it was because he met someone else he was interested in). I knew at that point I had to let him go. I was having a hard time with it, I cried and he showed no empathy. I kept looking at him to see some kind of emotion or warmth from him. There was nothing, he just stared at the ground and was trying to force a sad face. This was right before the pandemic, I thought he would have reached out at some point to see if I was doing okay, but I never heard from him again he didn’t even care if I was alive and breathing. Went from texting everyday to dead silence nothing. He posted a bunch of happy selfies of himself on social media it was like he was celebrating. I couldn’t believe that this sweet shy guy could turn out to be so heartless and cold. He didn’t last very long with the woman he left me for but he has since met someone else and I guess she is perfect enough for him because he’s committed to her long term. I keep trying to remind myself that it’s for the best, but it was still shocking how he discards people so easily and doesn’t give af about anyone’s feelings. It felt like being with a narcissist without the emotional abuse. He was too passive to be abusive. |
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Flá 3:41 AM Fri 15th Jan, 2021 |
I don't know why I still insist on trying to convince people about autism? I had the ability to get into serious discussions for months, using data from neuroscience and psychology to claim that autism is not just about genius and kindness. I am tired of walking in the mental blindness of others, in addition to the ASD themselves. Should therapists, friends, family and strangers be convinced about our experiences? This is a boring joke and it tired me. What the justifications did with autism was a miserable service to the world and education on the subject in an irreversible way. People are freely advocating abuse (I don't say about everyone on the spectrum), as if they are giving permission to act for narcissists or psychopaths. Are they aware of this? I doubt that people want to abandon the connected autism of iconic figures in history like Newton, Darwin, Michelangelo, Woody Allen, etc. Nobody lived with them one day to know that great intellect does not mean, proportionally, a big and deep heart. I want to work on this in my master's degree, but I realize how much I will have to face people's denialism. That's just why I feel so exhausted from these months of hell. Unfortunately, just living with an autistic person the world expands painfully. Does everyone seem to need this experience? |
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Mrs. Pedley 12:20 AM Wed 13th Jan, 2021 |
I've been reading all morning and I'm still in January's post and its only Jan. 12, 2021! I am so glad to read that I am NOT alone in having these awful feelings about my husband of almost 3yrs. I am a very loving, generously giving,spiritual, kindhearted, thoughtful, loyal person but my husband makes me feel ugly inside and out. I along with alot of you are sad, lonely, depressed, tored and scared but have to change that by giving up on this so called marriage so that I can get back to my spiritual self. My heart is breaking with grief everyday and the resentment, anger, loneliness, and frustration is just to much for ANYONE to have to bare. Its simply unsustainable for too long before irreparable psychological damage takes a toll, which is what happened to his family nucleus of over 20 years, with children, before me suffered. I pray that there is more research done on these neurodiverse relationships to help both the ASD and NT in better understanding each other to meet each others needs. Its simply a tragedy for everyone in these relationships and the outcome of the unsuspecting children in these families are devastating mostly. There needs to be more done in understanding ASD,acceptance of this syndrome, and education on diagnosis and prognosis. I too started to think my husband was a narcissist until a year into my marriage learning about someone else with Asperger's. Unfortunately this knowledge doesn't help much with knowing how to live with it. It seems impossible for them to love us NTs about as much as it is for us to love them. We may just be incompatible and need to stick to a traditional compatible relationship of like mindedness. I believe my husband's 3rd marriage lasted for over 25 years because she was either narcissistic or also Asperger's. I am praying for healing and am grateful for everyone on this forum, including myself! |
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idontknow 8:31 PM Mon 11th Jan, 2021 |
I think the people we all describe here in this testimonials are not the ones who necessarily portray the "high functioning autism person". As among neurotypical there are person with higher or lesser ability to be empathetic, respectful or simply kind, is the same also among HFA people. I think the type we all describe here, that a lot of time KNOWINGLY persevere abuse and they know what they are doing, are different than the typical atypical. Being rude or aloof or not picking up social cues does not equal to the plain abuse I see described here. My partner told me he has being diagnosed with HFA. He can lie, manipulate people and mask himself, he understand what people are feeling and he PURPOSELY act in a way to make them uncomfortable. He is a cheater and don't play by the rules. With some people he can be empathetic and show understanding, if you piss him off he will not even glance at you if you are bailing your eyes out, he is able to bring medicine at home to someone he want to impress, but will not give you the same attention if you are sick at home. Now, all these behavior feels like are NOT following at all the diagnosis for a high functioning autist, nor what autism community spread around. They claim they don't know how to manipulate people nor lie, that they follow rules so they don't cheat or betray, that they don't do things to hurt other people in purpose. Well I think that maybe we can say that among NTs there are good and bad people, but also among HFA there are good and bad people? I have another friend that is in the spectrum and she totally dislike my partner and doesn't understand why he act in this way and she even doubt he has HFA. I am very confused. |
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Truth Serum 8:07 AM Mon 11th Jan, 2021 |
@MaryAnne; Like you and many others here, I also have unrequited love for my AS spouse, and I have felt that he most likely is frustrated at not being enough. Then I realized that I was kidding myself (empathy trap), because in order for him to come to that realization, he would have to have an awareness of my feelings. Therein lies the problem; he is mindblind. Regardless of what the AS is experiencing, the litmus test for our love relationship with them is their ability to meet our emotional needs, so that we reciprocate appropriately; this is the whole reason for the adult love relationship in the first place. The high cost of the NT being involved with someone who is mindblind is loss of self, which is why treating our feelings like a third person in the relationship and removing ourselves from this one-sided dynamic is not only paramount for our health and well-being, it is the antidote, and self love heals the wound. |
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Amber 9:08 AM Sun 10th Jan, 2021 |
Response to Lina...... Don't be too hard on yourself. In previous posts I explained I live with my husband and his father who is a HFA who shows all the typical traits. Yes I have felt that I have had to come to terms with my reactions to him. I started off wanting to care for him but his lack of response & gratitude, OCD,total reliance etc etc wore me down. I became angry , said awful things, shouted in total frustration and cried but nothing made a difference, his reaction was the same to every different emotion I presented to him, he is like a selfish robot. I feel that I let myself down and have to come to terms with my behaviour. But I do know it was the frustration of not being able to change anything and that he doesn't seem to feel enough guilt to change one tiny thing that led me to my impatience. It feels like daily water torture, drip drip drip and eventually one reacts. Remember you are human with human responses unlike them!! |
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Melanie 12:18 PM Sat 9th Jan, 2021 |
@truth serum that was one of the best things I have read. Hit the nail on the head, spot on! I will save your words to my head and heart. |
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ghostinashell 3:24 AM Sat 9th Jan, 2021 |
As much as I find personally painful how some Aspies refuse to acknowledge and validate the suffering and abuse NT partners may endure in unbalanced and disfunctional relationships, of which the cognitive difference between NTs and Aspies is a major cause, I've also decided to avoid as much generalization as possible from now on. Some people seem to be happy with their Aspie husband or wife, so maybe it is possible for both partners to compromise in a fruitful way, at least in some cases. It wasn't in my experience, but that's just something I have to accept, I can't speak for anybody else. Regardless of how fleeting her attachment towards me may have been, I never thought that the person I loved was empty or uncapable of feeling. Just because you can't put your finger on what you feel and you can't hold onto it, it doesn't mean that there's nothing going on inside you. I also dislike 'the us vs. them' rhetoric, it's dehumanizing and divisive. It shouldn't be forgotten that their mindblindness is also our own: they can't understand us just as much as we can't understand them. That's where the tragedy lies, as I've said before, but it's up to us how we react to it, and it's up to us to choose what kind of person we want to be, whether we're Aspies or NTs. I'm not saying this in an attempt to sound pc, I couldn't care less about that. To me, switching from love to hatred is just another form of dependence, and self-love is different from pride. I'm not seeking for that kind of tribal, negative validation. What I want is to heal and move on, and in order to do that I need to achieve acceptance and understanding. That's what I wish for all of us. |
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Lina 10:18 PM Fri 8th Jan, 2021 |
It has been a few months since the cut in communication with my ex-aspie. Or rather saying: that I was forced to "kill him" before I killed myself by being sucked into him with his selfishness and one-sided way of talking. Making someone disappear from my existence like the dead is extremely against my nature and I feel like I have no choice. I never did that and I would never do it with anyone in my life! But each day I had to learn to kill the love that remains in me through brute force, emotional violence against myself. This love is useless and becomes toxic every time I feel it in my heart... I feel that I have made very little progress to get out of our memories, from the expectations that are still preserved within me. Why do I do this if I am entirely rational about the situation and professionally trained to understand a serious disability like this? Unfortunately, hope is hard to kill and, with aspies, we have to reduce that to zero without hesitation. We cannot give hope or hope for this lost case. As @Ghostinashell wrote, the loss of war exists for both sides and there is not much to do outside of moral judgment. Although I disagree, in a way, when we started to regret their situation and how they're leading to failure in their interactions or personal difficulties. This is a dangerous trap of our extreme empathy that is of no value to them, again resulting in a one-sided process. Differently from that point of view, I don't see aspies as fragile, depressed, or so incapacitated, deserving great universal empathy or our extreme common sense. I see that many of them know when they can choose something, when they need something specific or understand the ways to obtain it. At this point, I see that they're people of high intelligence and are able to make choices, although these are only persecuted if they're in their interest. I see that there is comfort and it's simply a matter of not evolving and choosing to do so, attacking the people who are orbiting their existences so much. And all of this in a simpler way that we can imagine. My ex was not unhappy or sad about his negative situations and that is why he never went to get a diagnosis. In reality, he was confident that this was not his fault and lived well without his crises or the crises of others. He was just happy with the math, "et voilà". After realizing this, I'm trying to abandon my role as his sinner and punisher. He was always better than me - so why would I make so much effort, all the time, to bend over to understand his ways of thinking and feeling? He doesn't do any work on it. Naturally, this guilt persists and persists. I still redo many memories about the monster I was in this relationship - I screamed a lot and got out of control, I felt abusive and out of my spirit. I experienced situations of shame publicly and with the family he never wanted to consider me. I was seen as hysterical and I never had that role in anyone's life. It's just so contradictory and painful. I occupy a place that isn't mine! I have no idea how he thinks about these episodes, but when I remember myself and the way I acted, it's so painful and shameful. I saw a form of me so deplorable, dirty... I'm afraid to relate again and see myself without patience, screaming to be heard in the street or at home. But it was just inevitable: I didn't see a way that it wouldn't. I didn't know how to react anymore to be able to talk without exploding... to ask for things without having to chase or almost kill. Did you also feel like the worst version of yourself? In addition to all the pain they cause over our feelings, they also make our worst sides appear. They leave a devastating emotional chaos, with the wounds so that we have all the work to resolve. There isn't therapy that resolves so much of what has been experienced and even suffocated in the subconscious itself. I feel like I'm going to take these horrible pains and experiences with me to the coffin. |
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Lina 9:53 PM Fri 8th Jan, 2021 |
Hello, C! Thanks for your comment! It was really useful for me. I didn't know that they could process emotional information after months. I just imagined that it could process information for a few days, like you said. After months it's really strange, for me. In the end, I think he hasn't processed anything and is completely blind? We never know if they care, if they think about or regret it and don't show it. Sending hugs for you. <3 |
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Truth Serum 1:40 PM Fri 8th Jan, 2021 |
@Ghostinashell; Real adult love is about mutual caring, kindness, and respect, and from what I am understanding in your message, this person sounds so much like my ASH, who actually created a trauma bond, instead. I had no idea what I was getting into, as I thought surely nothing horrific could come from this amazing person (at the onset). Because of the initial love bombing, it is almost impossible for us to see them for who they really are. They are unable to think like us, so the biggest trap is in thinking they do (empathy trap). The hollow inside we feel at the first mask slip is the emptiness in them that is projected onto us, which is why we feel the pain; they are not even aware of it, and we are seeing the shallowness behind the facade. The neediness we feel for them is theirs projected onto us, until we realize that what is really happening is we are abandoning ourselves by accepting their chronic disregard of us for not being able to fill their endless void. These people cannot change, no matter how much we try to "fix" things. A one-sided relationship does not need to be fixed; it needs to be ended. The only love that cures all is self love (self respect), the same love we willingly give them and instead, give it to ourselves; that is when our pain stops. We then no longer tolerate the abuse and ultimately end the relationship. I read sometime ago that feeling guilt and shame for the love/hate relationship toward one's parent is the hallmark of a son or daughter of a BPD mother or father. My ASH happens to be BPD as well as my mother, which I had no idea until I began studying at length the characteristics of this and repercussions thereof on the non-BPD person in the relationship. Anything other than caring, kindness, and respect in an adult relationship is not love. If they did not know what they were doing, they would not be able to manipulate the relationship. One thing I have noticed as I have healed is that I went from adoring this person to loathing him, as an emotionally healthy person will not tolerate abuse. Now I know I was deliberately abused for his benefit alone, and through self love/respect, I have found renewed strength for rebuilding my life. |
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Vicky 11:14 PM Thu 7th Jan, 2021 |
@ghostinashell. I have started interacting a bit with my ex and I will always love him but the realization of the damage of being with someone without the ability for emotional connection is something I dismissed for 21 years. I completely agree with your descriptions of the impenetrable wall. I can list so many wonderful things about my ex but the one huge missing piece really ramped up my anxiety and that is why I am extremely focused on repairing myself. I myself have sent a few posts in the past and after reading them I cringed because I was obviously in a negative, insecure state when I wrote so I get you. I truly believe in time we will be even more wonderful people having had these experiences with these very unique people. I am grateful for many things that I learned about myself along this path. Maybe one day we will give love to someone that reciprocates and it will be a sweet and beautiful experience. Take care of yourself. |
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C 8:55 PM Thu 7th Jan, 2021 |
@lina The slow processing of emotions is a thing called Alexythymia. This can be complete emotional blindness OR delayed emotional processing. I see it often and my husband takes about 3 days to emotionally process average things. 2 days when it is a major upset. |
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Elise 7:05 PM Thu 7th Jan, 2021 |
@Edwina Thank you for your reponse. Yes I agree, it impossible to know what they care about. It is also impossible to know if they do care and just can't express it or that they just simply don't. I, too have my own bedroom and whenever I ask my husband if he is happy with the situation his reply is 'are you?'. It's almost as if he is trying to avoid answering the quesion. I liken it to trying to communicate with someone who speaks a different language except that in those situations there is usually some reciprocity of understanding the other person's difficulty in understanding. This is totally lacking in my husband and I think that this is what makes it so difficult to have any kind of close relationship with him. After my last internal metldown I wrote him an email. I did find he was more willing to take time to read it and at the moment he is trying to behave more kindly towards me. However, I know this won't last so am constantly in an alert state waiting for the nasty rebuke or full on meltdown. I never had the desire to have children but now feel that I have an unpredictable child. And then I feel guiltly for saying all this (as I suppose one might with a child). We are in full lockdown now. I wonder how long it will take before the nasty behaviour reemerges. I apologise for this very negative post. I just want you to know that I fully empathise with you and am sending you good thoughts. |
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Idem 4:18 PM Thu 7th Jan, 2021 |
I was reading somewhere that in the relation Aspie/NT - it is beneficial for Aspies as they are permanently supported and helped to read social signs and behave properly in Society. On the other hand this relation has mainly toxic affects on NT person Firstly they have to adjust to Aspie needs secondly it is permanent loneliness and abandonment. |
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Miranda 10:52 AM Thu 7th Jan, 2021 |
Sue, I have felt the unfeelingness of their gaze when you are explaining your very need of being affirmed with a loving intuitive understanding. They will look at you blankly, and the onus feels more than ever in those moments on you. The gaze does not shift away from you- as when conflict arises from aspies not being able to emotionally fathom or intuit like us NT's. They will stare blankly, and their eyes look empty. You will empty your heart, maybe feel some relief to finally speak the truth of your aches and pains of the relationship but nothing you say will cut through. I left my relationship over a month ago, we lived together and I became only the parts of me that he understood. So, my humour had no place in our love or connection. My empathy and compassion for people from all walks of life were not appreciated in our relationship. I became a couple of things that were apart of me, and hid every other aspect of me that confused him. I believe that yes, like Nadia, has said on this forum- it is the gestures that are missing from our partner too, not only the actions that are explicit from aspies. Now, if we have missing actions of affirmations, an intuitive connection from our partner, we must also in turn switch a light off within us - in order to survive this conquest. We self-deny, and then we seek validation, recognition a blip of life and a will to change from our partner. At the same time as we deny ourself to be happy and fulfil the many aspects of us that aren't appreciated by our aspie partners. What a confusing, disorder to live within. A relationship with an NT and aspie, is a continual conquest. They are our conquest to be heard, loved, affirmed. It's a conquest with no end. And the process of this affair de-rails your potential. Your potential to be a loving friend, a present daughter, an aware person. It will not only de-rail you. But diminish you. And that is why, toward the end of a relationship with an aspie, you feel both drained and helpless but feel enamoured by your efforts to sustain an incompatible relationship, so it is painful and feels almost impossible to leave. Anyone reading this, you are strong enough to leave. Have your own heart and the precarity of the future in your mind. Be gentle with yourself and have compassion for the parts of you who have been exhausted by this dance. Speak to yourself gently, for you are learning to hold yourself during painful moments. xxx all my love. |
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MaryAnne 1:19 AM Thu 7th Jan, 2021 |
@ghostinashell Yes the experience of trying to connect and inevitably failing is truly heartbreaking. Loving or at least having affection for someone you cannot reach. As you say, it's a no-win situation for either party. It seems to me that the impact on the person with Aspergers in the relationship is perhaps not as damaging as they don't have the same need, or expectation of, connection? But I would say they do suffer frustration at not being 'enough' for their partner. Tragic whichever way you look at it. At age 65, am trying to come to terms with a lifetime of being in close relationships with 'Aspies', since finding out about autism 3 years ago. Knowing about it now at least makes sense of my experience, but there is a lot of trauma to heal/process/manage. My way of coping is lots and lots of self care. |
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Sue 11:23 AM Wed 6th Jan, 2021 |
Darcey: Thanks so much for the supportive words. I am just now starting to realize that I have been fighting a losing battle in my attempts at trying to make him understand me. I have gone so far as to tell him that our relationship is in peril and will not last if he continues disregarding me and my feelings. It literally has no effect on him. He stares at me until he comes up with some cold, unfeeling comment that lets me know that I am the reason he is not warm or loving towards me. I'm relieved that I have finally figured out that he will never change. My focus in the new year is to take care of myself. |
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ghostinashell 10:37 AM Wed 6th Jan, 2021 |
@Vicky, I was rather upset when I wrote my fist post and I regretted how I had formulated my thoughts right after clicking on 'send'. After cursorily reading many other posts, I can understand why people with Asperger's may be offended or even hurt by some of them. They feel blamed for their condition and the pain they cause without even being able to acknowledge it, most of the times. Imagine how painful it must feel when your only chance of having a relationship is preteding to be someone you're not, because you're fully aware that if you were to behave like you normally do, nobody would ever accept you. You know it's doomed, but you don't have a choice. I know they wouldn't be as empathetic towards me as I am (or as I try to be, when I can) towards them, but should that stop me from giving what I was lucky enough to be born with? Should I just look the other way and don't be bothered? The truth is that, when the blame game is over, no one wins. I am aware that I also need to protect and love myself, though. Nevertheless, I still love her, I can't pretend that's not true. She would never be able to feel how much I love her anyway, and this thought - coupled with her inability to reciprocate or share any emotion with me - is what breaks me. It's like watching someone you love behind a thick wall of glass. You desperately want to reach them, you shout and bang the wall, but they cannot hear nor see you. It's just heartbreaking, and I can't understand why something so cruel should ever happen. She wasn't as cruel as I depicted her in my previous post, not all the time. She sort of gave me a way out at various times, but because of her initial masking and misinformation about ASD on the internet, I underestimated how serious the situation was, how thick the wall was. One thing I know: I was never as happy as when I could love her. Thank you for your kind words, I'm glad you found the strenght to get better, hopefully I'll also be able to seize my chance to make the change I need for myself. Take care. |
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KatTX 12:55 AM Wed 6th Jan, 2021 |
I was lucky and realized there was something a little off about my guy real early in our new-found relationship (we met when I was in High School-40 years ago) which started 4 years ago. I was just out of a 30+ year marriage. I have a wonderful network of friends and when I described some of the oddities (stimming, delay in answering me, etc, etc. One of them said it sounds like HFA. I began to read everything I could find as I found him charming and whimsical, almost child like, which was a nice change from uptight. He had a really difficult life in the 40 years we were out of touch and I felt for him. He is undiagnosed and would not accept the diagnosis, so no point in me telling him or his family. I do make concessions and have resigned to keeping him out of my social circle, which he does not mind at all. I go on trips with my girlfriends and go visit my kids, and leave him at home. He has met all my friends and my family. The comment I get the most is that he only talks about his job. He is a truck driver and is used to being alone until I came around. He is also an alcoholic. I believe that is his way of feeling normal. He actually does talk about more personal stuff when he is inebriated. It lowers his inhibitions, like it does for everyone else. He does say embarrassing things and I do not make excuses for him, I just say he is who he is. We have couple friends that are from his work friends. It is a safe place since they already know him. It is not easy, but the one thing I have found refreshing is that he is not demanding of my time. He is content doing his own thing and letting me do mine. I do not fight or argue with him, or express displeasure because it is pointless. I may tell him something he said is mean, and 30 minutes later after processing it, he will say he is sorry or he did not want to hurt my feelings. The most frustrating thing is asking a question, and being met with silence. I usually just make up the conversation so he can hear it, changing my voice to mimic him. He usually laughs and says "I would not say that". Sometimes he will say "See, you got your answer" I know I make a lot of concessions for him, but I am happy with my Aspie Man. |
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Edwina Preston 8:14 PM Tue 5th Jan, 2021 |
@Elise Isn't that just the worst thing of all? That if you left they wouldn't really even care. After nearly 20 years I am sleeping in my own room - my partner keeps our room in a disgusting pig sty state, but also he is so over sensitive to being woken up (insomnia) that I am barely allowed to EXIST in the bed... Anyway, tonight I said: 'Shall we sleep in the same bed tonight?' He said: 'yes, if you want to'. I said, 'Well, but do YOU want to?' Uh-oh. Apparently that was not ok, he had already said yes, which meant that he wanted to, I was splitting hairs and trying to control him blah blah. I was totally nastily berated until I stuck my fingers in my ears like a child so I didn't have to hear him. What is WRONG with him? I t was a perfectly reasonable question. All I wanted was to clarify, did I really need to be hauled over the coals?? And he totally rewrites what happened in retrospect... I mean, really? Can I continue to put up with this? By the end, I was devastated, in tears, angry, hurt, but he just holds on to his pride in his refusal to ever 'back down'. I would leave if I had the money, in spite of loving him. Except i know he wouldn't even give much of a shit beside being maybe temporarily 'sad'. I have wasted so much of my life and energy on this man. HE REFUSES to contemplate that he might be ASD but I have NO DOUBT about it |
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Darcey 8:50 AM Tue 5th Jan, 2021 |
Sue, on Jan 2nd, For the record you don’t sound cruel at all. He described what many of us experience regularly. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s very hard to be an adult person in a relationship where you’re ignored, invisible, and if you have a need the person you’re with cannot recognize it. When you explain your need they become impatient or angry or just ignore you telling you they don’t know what you’re talking about. Everything you wrote is true and correct. Don’t feel bad about it. |
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Tracy 8:14 AM Tue 5th Jan, 2021 |
Mandy, thank you for your testimonial. I am about to leave but feel hopeless about my future. Your message gives me hope.... |
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Vicky 6:24 AM Tue 5th Jan, 2021 |
Ghostinashell - I found your response to Joe very well said but was wondering if you noticed how you can confront others about generalizations and not your own? I was very disturbed and sad when you wrote - "I'm left with nothing concrete to cling on to or look forward to in my life". This is your anxiety and depression talking. The logical person that replied to Joe knows this is not true, this is pure emotional fixation on a relationship you wanted despite the unfairness in treatment toward you. I also suffer from anxiety and know when I feel as you stated it is being driven by my ego that is triggered by rejection. The logical part of me knows the relationship was not healthy, fulfilling or fair to me. I bent over backwards to make him happy and help him acquire every goal/want/obsession he desired and I was left behind. I chose to stay way too long and it just kept getting worse, when there is no progress or improvement it is best for us to go. Looking back I cannot regret ending it, there was no growing or nurturing ability in this relationship and accepting that has helped me move on and embrace my new life. I still have anxiety but I feel joy everyday, I no longer have to deal with the oppressive energy of that relationship. I love myself more each day because I had the strength to finally make myself a priority, I wish the same for you. |
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R 5:54 AM Tue 5th Jan, 2021 |
@Truth Serum thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I am so happy I found this site. To anyone, as I have problems with breaking up with people is it easer or harder to break up with someone with aspergers? If that makes sense to anyone. I have mentioned it before and he was sad about it, but obviously doesn’t see why i feel that way. Am I just a “thing” to them? |
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Revecca 4:31 AM Tue 5th Jan, 2021 |
I’m so relieved to find this site. I’ve been married for 4 years and I am constantly so desperate and depressed. The only reason I’m still here is that I can’t afford to be on my own. Hopefully that changes soon. My husband was so wonderful while we were dating. Never a single issue. As soon as we got married and moved in together, everything changed. He’s controlling, and angry all the time. He was physically abusive for a time, but then he stopped. The emotional abuse never stops, though, because it doesn’t fit into his black and white world view. I have to spell out instructions for him on every single social interaction with me, and I’m so tired. It never sticks, and he always goes back to bad behavior. I get yelled at every single day at least once for not following his rules. When I try to talk to him, he just sits there silently. When I start crying that he’s not responding to me, he always says “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say”. I realized recently after a lot of googling that this is what is wrong with him. All of your stories sound so similar to me. I wish I wasn’t so scared to leave, because I know I will never be happy until I’m out of this. I feel so much relief on the rare occasions that I see other people and spend time with them, because I remember what it’s like to have a normal conversation with someone else. I just thought he was quiet when we were dating. Now all I get is silence or rage. I don’t know if there’s any way to cope with this, but I want to know if there is. |
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Truth Serum 12:42 PM Mon 4th Jan, 2021 |
@R: Lucky you that you are in your twenties and this relationship is but a year. Since I cannot go back in time, I hope my experience and wisdom thereof might be helpful. I grew up in a household that today would be termed narcisstic with a borderline/schizophrenic mother. There was no way I could identify those traits or implications then, I just knew I didn't fit in, and was often made the scapegoat or golden child (splitting), depending on what was going on in my parents' lives. What this did was set me up for a disastrous life ahead (I am 62). I had almost zero boundaries, and this is where I hope my message rings true. It isn't up to someone else for us to feel valued or loved; our relationship with ourselves is the most important one we will ever have, and once that unconditional love (self respect) is well rooted, we will not settle for anyone, ANYONE who will violate our trust or disrespect us, particularly on an intimate level. Once the die is cast, the blueprint forms and shapes all of our future decisions. It took me a lifetime to get this, because most of this information was not readily available, especially to a child victim of emotional abuse. Plus, one has to have the ability to internalize it. A learning tool I have come across is the meditations and affirmations found on You Tube; there are several good ones. I hope this helps, as a beautiful life is a terrible thing to waste. Love and light to you on your journey, and remember that if it doesn't feel right, it usually isn't. |
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Ann 11:46 AM Mon 4th Jan, 2021 |
It took me 46 years to realize my husband has HFD. I couldn't figure out why I was never truly happy with the marriage but always thought it was me. My father died when I was 3, my mother was depressed and emotionally absent. On the other hand, my husband came from a two parent family. I thought his idea of marriage must be right as I had never seen one growing up. He refused to tolerate " negative emotion." He shouted and walked out the door during any"unpleasantness" and came back 5 minutes later like nothing had happened, leaving me stunned. Nothing was ever resolved. I've endured his rages, depression. And tried to make his life good and now have quit trying. I've tried to discuss HFD with him but he doesn't believe he has it. He has no ability to understand other people's emotion but he thinks he does, which is a huge problem. I think I'm rambling but I just don't even know where to start. This is the first time I've put this out there and there is so much and I'm so sad. |
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ghostinashell 7:20 AM Mon 4th Jan, 2021 |
@Joe, 28th Dec As a person that suffers from anxiety and depression and was also in an abusive relationship with an ASD partner, I can't even begin to describe how awful what you wrote is. To put it bluntly, arguing that many people with mental issues 'don't want help, they just want to take out their problems out' or that they 'refuse to try to get better' isn't just rude, is also bs. Let's not forget we're talking about suffering, shall we? While no one should use their issues as a pass to mistreat others or avoid becoming a better person, it's also true that 'normal society' is what brings about these issues in the first place. Nobody brings it onto themselves, nobody should just be fixed and don't bother the rest of us with their unwanted problems, we're not machinery. I'm sorry, this kind of argument always gets me worked up. Recognizing abuse in relationships with mentally ill/neurodiverse people and victim blaming in a sweeping generalization are two very distinct things. I understand that resentment and pain can bring to excessive conclusions - it happens to me as well - but sensible distinctions have to be made at least on a rational level, if we don't want to encourage people to superficially dismiss this kind of places as 'hate groups'. I hope you can agree with me. |
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ghostinashell 3:55 AM Mon 4th Jan, 2021 |
The more I think and read about it, the more I believe that most aspies aren't capable of loving, if by loving one means genuinely caring about someone else. If you're totally unable to conceive another person's inner world, if you can't simulate their feelings through your own, how are you supposed to love to begin with? It's something I totally fail to grasp. All they can do is being obsessed with someone for a while and then forget about it as soon as the novelty wears out. Their idea of a relationship is purely instrumental: most of us just want to love and be loved, but once we find someone we grow fond of that particular person and their presence in our life becomes special and meaningful; to an aspie, a partner just seems to be a means to and end, that is to fit in, to reassure themselves that they are socially apt. The partner as a specific individual is utterly irrelevant. That's why you become so easily disposable, there's no attachment. To me it's not a different way of loving, it's just absence of love. Yet, this is the most difficult thing to take in for me. It's been months, and I can't get her out of my head. I've been deeply in love before, but I had never loved someone so much in my life, and realizing that I was just projecting all the time is devastating, but then again that's what she wanted, isn't it? She camouflaged, lied, hid things, played along, love-bombed me, manipulated me, just as long as the situation served her before an easier alternative turned up and she was able to discard me without a word. I kept finding excuses for her, feeling inadequate and guilty, trying to adapt and accomodate things, just because recognizing that my love was misplaced and groundless was too much to bear, and it still is to some extent. It doesn't help that this was the peak of a series of disastrous, traumatic relationships (about which she had been knowing all along, although this didn't stop her), that last year was a shambles in itself, and that I'm left with nothing concrete to cling on to or look forward to in my life. I wish I could just forget all about it, as if it never happened. |
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Bianca 12:56 PM Sun 3rd Jan, 2021 |
My ex fiancé has Aspergers/ADHD/Clinical depression and he just went back on his meds so his a freaking walking zombie. Back and forth crap between us for several months with him not knowing if he wants a relationship but also says he doesn’t want to lose me and he loves me. ANYWAYS we had a tiff last week cause I told him how his acting is making me take it personal but then I said just contact me when you want to talk (the meds have made him a zombie and not wanna do anything (worse then his usual aspie self) ..... it’s been 4 days with no contact and I haven’t contacted him .... do aspies/depressed completely just disappear from the face of the planet for days/weeks on end without any contact? First time it’s happened, normally it’s 2 days and then I hear from him but the meds have really fried his brain? |
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Mandy 8:54 AM Sun 3rd Jan, 2021 |
It’s nearly 2 years since I left my aspie husband . After a 32 year long relationship with this man I had the courage to leave. I’m so proud of myself. To all those wives/husbands/partners of aspies please think of yourselves for once . When you’re in a relationship with a non neurotypical person EVERYTHING is about them . Love does NOT conquer all. You will not be truely seen by your partner. Your needs will always be secondary . There is nothing more soul destroying than feeling invisible . Like other writers here I felt like I was the one holding the relationship together. I felt embarrassed out in public as he came across as surly , with cruel comments that he thought were funny. His hobbies took up so much room in our house that there was no space for me. He was unable to articulate emotions except for anger( of which he freely expressed, often over minor day to day irritations, cursing and swearing etc) When I left him there was no acknowledgement of his part in the breakdown of our marriage. Instead, he wrote nasty letters to my family saying I left because I was under the bad influence of my friends...friends who kept me sane during my marriage and beyond . Needless to say he has very few friends as most people find him odd, cranky and rude. He could also be somewhat inappropriate with younger women. When I brought this matter up for discussion on one occasion he flew into such a rage I had to lock myself in a room , fearing for my safety. The peace and tranquility I experience since leaving is beyond words. Yes, it has been extremely tough to leave but so so worth it. You all deserve so much more . Remind yourselves of your true worth and that happiness can be found within you.You are not responsible for your aspie partner’s life. |
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R 8:25 AM Sun 3rd Jan, 2021 |
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years in March and it has not been easy especially once covid hit. We are in our twenties. In the beginning everything was magical and amazing until things started to unfold. I believe he has asbergers quite recently and now everything I have went through with him makes sense. He has a lot of the symptoms and I was starting to think he was a narcissist, but I believe it is asbergers now. He is very kind and caring, but doesn’t seem to fully understand me. One of his parents doesn’t believe he has it and that it’s just anxiety; that he can’t take other people’s problems well and it makes his anxiety worse. My boyfriend is kinda excepting the possibility that he might have it, but thinks there’s no way he can get diagnosed. He has no money and one of his parents said it could take years for a diagnosis. I have felt unheard, unloved, depressed, anxious for months, almost a whole year. We are not intimate anymore for months on my part, and now I’m realizing it’s due to not being understood. I feel no connection at all like I did in the beginning. I am attracted to him and I do find him very attractive, but he thinks I am repulsed by him. He believes I am punishing him by not having sex with him. He says he could just go back to being normal, happy in the relationship just like that and doesn’t realize why I can’t. I don’t know what to do. I love him very much, but it’s been one tough year. |
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Sue 2:22 PM Sat 2nd Jan, 2021 |
I am so totally frustrated, resentful and lonely in dealing with my Aspie husband. We have been married for almost 12 years and I'm at the point where I treat him with little to no respect. This is not me! I am just worn down by his lack of empathy, attention or concern for me.I am tired of trying to communicate with someone who will never really understand me. I'm tired of being glared at when I am desperately trying to let him know how I feel and getting no reaction from him. I'm tired of doing for him, being taken for granted and protecting him from people who have mistreated or misunderstood him. I am tired of being the leader, the idea person in our relationship. I'm tired of managing his life, his relationships with his adult children, co-workers and anyone else that does not understand him. The hardest part for me is that he is a good person and generally liked by those that take the time to get to know him. I'm exhausted when we are around other people who sit and listen to him go on and on about things that they could care less about, but interest only him! I'm tired of feeling embarrassed when he launches into a long drawn out explanation about something that requires only a quick answer or response. I am tired of feeling as though. He makes me feel as though I am disposable because of his inability to recognize me as the devoted, loving wife that I have been for almost 12 years. I am no more special to him than the girl that cuts his hair, his facebook friends, or anyone else that listens to and validates him and his interests. I know that I sound cruel. I never used to be.I wish that I had the guts to leave, but for some reason, I still love him. I'm tired of being the heavy, the thinker, the problme solver, etc. He would do nothing if I left. He would be sad, but would move forward without trying to fix or resolve our issues because he does not know how too. Thanks for listening to me.I just needed to vent. |
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Truth Serum 5:26 PM Fri 1st Jan, 2021 |
@Jenny....There was a song decades ago that said, "I'm not in love, your picture on the wall hides a messy stain lying there...I'm not in love! That is this creature. The love they have is equivalent to a 3 yr old's love for a doll; once the novelty wears off, the doll is replaced with another toy. It took me over a decade to learn and wrap my head around this trauma...I had never heard of such a thing as this, and especially in my situation with an adhd/asd husband. It was eight yrs before he told me he had adhd, and then all the monsters could no longer keep me confused. I read voraciously and it took even longer to objectively view the trauma and to learn and practice self care as though a lone soldier on a battlefield. Once I did, things started to turn around...For me. I began feeling my inner strength return, and soon, my emotional shield became the protector against the monster that Donald describes. Now, I not only have a plan for escape, I am actually implementing it, which is no easy task for someone in her early 60's. What helps me get through the days and nights is meditation/affirmations from You Tube star Jason Stephenson, and I've read countless books on emotional manipulation and pathological narcissism. There is nothing more intimidating to an abuser than an educated empath, for once we are emotionally detached, all the pain they cause us is suddenly mirrored back to them; we no longer take it in, and the love we give them is reserved for us, instead. The deep pain inside we feel is the invalidation of who we are as beautiful, loving human beings. The joy through this trauma though, is in coming home to ourselves, rather than seeking love from others. This is where real and lasting healing begins, and soon you won't wonder how you can live without this other person; you will wonder instead how fast can you get them out of your life. |
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Flá 10:38 PM Thu 31st Dec, 2020 |
My mental looping doesn't leave me for months. I want to behead my head for a few days, months at least. I have not seen my foreign ex-boyfriend for almost a year, but his presence is very strong and painful even if he is absent from my real life. I feel like a slave to that person and I no longer understand what I must do to detox. Sometimes I have the impression that this relationship made me go into a drug addiction injected directly into my gut, it is so difficult and painful that it is to leave and finally, "break free". I need a rehabilitation clinic to be able to get out saved and without committing suicide in pain, because alone it is so painful. I hate him deeply for so many losses in my life! I'm having trouble recreating more and more energy to overcome this pain and it's all the fault of this damned insane person. Please, for the people who left your relationships, do you consider yourself lucky and free at last after discovering the problem? Is there life after this misfortune of suffering? Where's the end, please? I see no signs of healing! :( |
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KT 3:32 PM Thu 31st Dec, 2020 |
@Kim. What is it that is keeping you married to your husband? I assume he doesn't work; right? Btw, my question earlier that I directed to 'Lynn' was supposed to be for you, Kim. I don't know why I put 'Lynn' instead of 'Kim' lol. |
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SoTired 2:07 PM Wed 30th Dec, 2020 |
Me and my HFA ex have lived apart since March (after I found out he had an unprotected affair, and the woman he was with had the cancerous form of HPV and he didn't tell me) but ( I think because my brain is fried after 15 years, and I am very very messed up from all these years with him...I was once confident, social, strong and a clear thinker with great self advocacy skills) we still function together as a couple. I have made the decision to really end it but he has a lot of narcissism and violence and so leaving him is not easy as it normally gets really bad (he will always try and start relationships with single Mothers of our children friends) and reigns havoc, stupidity and insanity everywhere. It is not a normal breakup. I have been reading these testimonials for months and they are just so so helpful to alleviate the sense that you are so alone in a world that can't even be grappled with...the "No sense" of everything. Ive realised one of the most profound way we exist as social beings is that when we share our lives with someone, there's constant moments where that person reflects back our experiences with empathy, compassion, care, understanding all the blessings of true Theory of Mind. But HFA people leave you feeling bewildered, abandoned, numb. But because for so many of them they have picked people who are dynamic, creative, compassionate and empathetic to be with, often their emptiness is camouflaged. For us its a lonely nightmare, but for others looking in our partner might seem childlike, kooky, alternative and even passionate about certain things. On Christmas Eve I found out my sister had cancer all through her body and only has a week or two to live. in the last 12 years I have lost both parents also. I had to tell my HFA partner over a text as I needed to book flights to care for her (as she wanted to die at home because of covid not allowing any family to be with her in hospital) His text back said "Im getting some custard, and what else do you want for lunch tomorrow, Sory to hear about your Sister, and what about some cake, and any drinks, Im thinking of getting a lobster?".......... Even though he has been shocking at all deaths, births, birthdays, anything important, I was still shocked. I felt sick that a man I'd spent 15 years with would offer nothing to me. Not even to pretend to care. I said his response was pretty unfeeling, and he said he didnt think her dying would bother me. This is from someone who refuses to believe he has autism and believes he is the worlds most compassionate person. He has a whole persona of being the most emotional and connected person on earth. Someone earlier had a post about their partner being super dumb but always berating them. My partner is like this, I am bewildered at the combination of stupidity, confidence, abuse and chaos. If you have the chance to get away from your Autistic partner, please save yourself!! |
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mouse 5:28 PM Tue 29th Dec, 2020 |
@Vicky. Will give the spiritual take on this issue a shot! Really good to know its possible to find peace and acceptance in a relatively short amount of time🙏 |
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Frazzled 12:19 PM Tue 29th Dec, 2020 |
Into the second year of marriage,5 years together, I’m at my wits end.My Aspie husband is really driving me crazy, I I just needed to get my emotions out and share with others that know what I’m going through, rather than trying to explain how hard it is to others that just can’t comprehend what it’s like . It’s his complete lack of understanding of what I need love affection understanding. But also listening to me and hearing some kind of response from him rather than hearing I don’t understand I don’t know what to say..... It’s his lack of thought for our future.as a couple which he can’t grasp, it’s his lack of understanding of knowing that we are not just living together we’re maried and a couple. His untidiness and lack of thought to try to be more organised. Yet the washing always gets done..l I always say to him the washing machine is his other woman. My ornaments arranged as I like them, he told me I should buy more to make the shelf look more balanced, he’s not a clue that’s how I like it. I guess I feel so mean and insensitive to say of all this when I’m so caring trying to help others,, but I’m so lost with him. I’m also firightened when he looses his temper and is rude to others when things haven’t gone his way,, I feel like I’m living on egg shells but how much do I put up with...I love this man I know he loves me in his own way... But I’m also frightened what happens to him when I just can’t do it any more... He relys on me, 2020 a rotten year for all ...,but also another year I’d like to forget... not just because of Covid. Thanks for listening, |
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KT 3:24 AM Tue 29th Dec, 2020 |
@Lynn. Very interesting. How exactly does he abuse you, at home? What is it that's keeping you in this marriage? |
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Elise 7:53 PM Mon 28th Dec, 2020 |
Well, here we go again. After several months of my husband gradually reverting to type I have endured being snapped at for no reason, being totally taken for granted, having to constantly fit in with what he decides to do at any given moment, and being in a constant state of severe anxiety trying to second guess what he is going to do next. His idea of hygiene is to come into the house, contaminate all the doors through to the bathroom where he then washes his hands. Covid has been an absolute nightmare with his attitude of he will deal with it if he gets it (Covid). He is in his 70's and I am in my late 60's. I have stopped caring if he gets Covid due to his own stupidity but it has an impact on me. I finally snapped this morning after him calling me stupid and his response is you are always shouting at me when I have been holding my tongue for months. He is now sitting like a sulking child and I am very sure he is only thinking of himself and not the effect his behaviour has on me. I am on antidepressant medication which I truly believe is because of this relationship. In his mind I am always the one to blame, never him so, of course his behavioiur never changes. I have truly had enough of being treated like an object he has no respect for. Other people in his life get the best of him, I get the worst. I cannot take any more of this abuse. I would have left years ago if I had been younger but now I am thinking that whatever age I am I deserve better than this. We do have the financial resources to live separately. I am now making plans for when we are vaccinated to put our house on the market and separate. I will talk to him about this later. However, I know that his response with be a shrug of the shoulders and and OK then. I apologise for the rant but I really have had enough of this abuse. It has affected my mental health to the point of contemplating suicide over the years. If I am to save myself we have to separate. I simply cannot go on feeling I am being destroyed. Thank you to anyone reading this, I appreciate the space to express myself and to be understood, which is sadly lacking in my life. With understanding to you all who are navigating a relationship which is full of self sacrifice and disappointment. |
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Joe 4:36 AM Mon 28th Dec, 2020 |
My advice is to be careful being around people that have mental health problems or disorders. You will end up with their problems and become mentally unwell yourself by being forced to witness disturbing behavior every single day or become their punching bag. If you've lived with or have family members or spouses with disorders like ASD or mental health problems like depression, anxiety, bipolar, schizophrenia, etc. then you will share in these problems. I've found that many people with these problems are frustrated with their lives and take these issues out on the closest people to them to the point where it is abusive. You are not allowed to call this out because for some reason if someone has a disorder or mental problem they are not allowed to be criticized which makes them become entitled and many of them really don't want help, they just want to take out their problems out. Every special occasion or even every single day will be purposely ruined by them because they feel if they feel bad then so should everyone else around them. I have life experience with trying to help people with these issues and all I've learned is that you can't. If you don't like being abused or sharing in people's misery or problems then you will want to take my advice. In my opinion the person suffering from these problems has the responsibility to seek out profession help so they can function in a normal NT society and not the other way around where everyone is made miserable by them because they're miserable themselves and refuse to try to get better or at least not take out their frustrations on everyone around them. |
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Heinrich 11:49 AM Sun 27th Dec, 2020 |
Dear Lina, you are talking about regretting. While I cannot see into the head of an HFA I can tell you about my personal experience as an NT. He told me he did regret how he treated me. Or the words he used were bad conscious. But the way I see it, he didn’t feel bad for how he treated me, he felt bad for himself instead. After month of verbal abuse and mistreatment I pointed out that it wasn’t ok how he treated me. He then said that he felt remorse. A week later he felt angry at me for pointing it out and said I wasn’t nice to him. By the way, he took me to a date we he ran with a boner through a sauna and asking me after that date if I we were a couple now. Honestly, that was the worst date in my entire life and I was really creeped out. It was just so embarrassing and disgusting. |
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Lina 9:29 AM Sun 27th Dec, 2020 |
According to you, can aspies ever feel regret or guilt? A year ago I read a lot about autism after a failed relationship with my ex and also a lot of people / couples stories, but I am not able to answer this question. We know that aspies have blindness of mind and awareness of themselves and others is practically nil. But in some cases, after dramatic separations between some partners, I see the story that some aspies truly regret and try to do the job of recovering the partnership after realizing and accepting the diagnosis. Sometimes, only after months of breaking up. In rare cases, when this is not the mask, I must say. In many places I read that this is the fact that they have a slower processing of emotions, sometimes requiring twice the time to realize their mistakes compared to a neurotypical individual. That is, there is a processing, but different. Can anyone explain to me how this happens? Thank you very much and a big hug to everyone. |
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Helpless 2:46 AM Sun 27th Dec, 2020 |
@Bella - Thank you so much for your words. I feel so discarded. There isn't a thing that is helping to take away the pain I am in. I am an intelligent women, I have a great life and for some reason I can't shake the overwhelming emotional state I am in. I helped him with so many things in his life, and dedicated hours to making things better for him financially and in so many ways. I am now feeling physically sick. He has a new girlfriend this week now and his text messages to me are even different in the way he texts. Passive Aggressive with his consoling way that makes him sound like a therapist. He cares but not really and has moved on. Its my road out now that he has a new girlfriend....he says. It makes perfect sense and I should be running but my heart and soul are aching from what I have been through. I pray that this goes away. I so desperately need to feel better. |
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Lily 1:49 AM Sun 27th Dec, 2020 |
@Bianca...leave. It’s all excuses. I wasted two years and was left with anguish. I’m a lot better but it doesn’t just go away like that. If a man wants to be with you then nothing will stop him. And if a man w aspergers wants to be with you, well he might not because he adheres to unbendable rules in his brain because AS brains are wired different. The AS that I was with- I know he loved me and still does but he’s convinced I left him (after months - a year actually of waiting on the same kind of bs excuses you are). I left because I was invisible and disrespected. My weak self went back to him after ONE day but his AS brain is wired that a woman who leaves him once will leave him again so he could never get over the hangup. Please leave. If you research physical pain and rejection...the body uses the same neural pathways for the pain of rejection as physical pain...so be careful because the common theme in all the testimonials I’ve read on this site, are the themes of feeling rejected, rebuffed and invisible. I bet there are people on this site who maybe don’t even realize their physical pain is linked to their emotional state. I have to work w the AS ex until around June. Then I will leave that work place and be done w him for good. |
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Vicky 1:00 AM Sat 26th Dec, 2020 |
Hello all that are struggling to make sense of your relationships. I really want to help all of you get to where I am after only 8 months out of a 21 year relationship with my asp. We met up the other day and it was so easy to interact with him because I clearly see who he is and he isn’t what I want in a partner. He feels like a brother to me now. I give all the credit for my transformation to various meditation and spiritual growth avenues I have been exploring. Listening to Mooji and Rupert Spira and Michael Sealey on YouTube has literally saved my life. I am able to be aware when my habits start torturing me through repetitive thoughts and I am able to disassociate and get back to my true self of peace. I wish all of you peace, kindness and compassion for yourselves.🙏🏻 |
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Kim 11:15 AM Fri 25th Dec, 2020 |
I'm sitting here in a room with my parents who are doing all of the happy festive memories with my kids. All the while my aspie husband sits there on the couch looking as awkward as usual. He sits there with his legs crisscrossed like a child would sit on a couch except he's 230lbs and 6ft tall. He looks like a man trying to look like a child all the while completely oblivious that that is not how a 33 year old man sits on his in-laws couch. He has barely looked up from his phone. He plays games on it for HOURS and hours a day. Sometimes he'll say something he thinks is funny but is just cringe worthy. My parents will try and laugh and I think it's to mostly make me feel less embarrassed. I feel so ashamed at what I married. I know that sounds absolutely awful. As a parent myself, I know the dreams I have for my daughter to find a smart, kind, and capable man to love and take care of her. I want to apologize a million times to my parents for this Forest Gump of a "man" I brought home 15 years ago. I thought I could handle it but it's so hard to sit here and take the abuse he dishes at me when at the same time he canmot function at a kindergarten level on so many things. It's so hard to bite my tongue all the time. It's so hard to say "it's okay" when he breaks everything, totals our cars, and says the most inappropriate or down right ignorant things. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for all these years =( |
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Bella 8:43 AM Fri 25th Dec, 2020 |
@Helpless, so much of what you described happened to me. Your self esteem is shattered. It sounds like this happened recently? For me it was the end of April when I was immediately replaced with another woman also. I didn’t realize he was ASD at the time, though intuitively I knew it was him, not me, that had issues. Even so, I was a mess. I have since healed quite a bit and you will too in time. The feeling of being replaced still hurts, but then I think of the other woman, and that she is being messed up just like I was. I pray she figures it out soon and runs as fast as she can. The sense that you don’t trust your ability to judge character will improve too, though I am very gun-shy still. Hold on to your inner self perception - who you are! That will start to come to the surface again more and more. We have been kidnapped in a way. Look in the mirror. See the love and life in your beautiful eyes. It’s in there! |
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Flá 5:34 AM Fri 25th Dec, 2020 |
The nostalgic Christmas atmosphere is the worst. I remember with great mental vivacity our trips through France and Brazil together. When I went to visit my ex's family for the first time in France and how much fun it was, magical, with so much hope for an incredible romance.. The atmosphere was passionate about Christmas in the winter! I am so sorry to still have so many false memories with a person who never existed, who was a mask at that time. How do I delete it? Impossible and cruel. And obviously, today he showed no signs of life because he doesn't really care about my existence... Merry Christmas to all of you, dear friends. I hope that your heart and mind are light to receive the Christmas atmosphere of this year so difficult for all of us. Strength for those who wish to leave their relationships and strength for those who remain in this struggle... |
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Helpless 12:55 AM Fri 25th Dec, 2020 |
Feeling overwhelmed with anxiety that runs through my entire body. I am not able to sleep and wake up thinking of him ASD multiple times in the night. We were in a very confusing relationship/friendship, he loved me and then he didn't love me. I was attractive and then he wasn't attracted to me. He was ready to be in a relationship and then thought he would try. I would say or do something and he would break up with me. It takes two people and time to figure things out when things didn't work. I didn't get the chance. He said I was crazy and that I needed to admit it. I am not crazy but I do now have Complex PTSD from all the trauma from the emotional rollercoaster, the name calling, the yelling, the mind games. I am not sure how to move from this. I have been crying for two weeks, I feel like I am in a daze. I can barely breath at times, I can't go outside, I am afraid to even consider moving on. He has moved on to a new girlfriend. Only days after ending the so called relationship. Date sites are my enemy....they were the hugest issue....he was always looking for someone better. Crying.....I am a really great person. I am broken and my whole life feels like its upside down and confused. From now, date sites go immediately or its a hard stop deal breaker. Two people need to figure out each other. I am not used car that can be test drove until you find the corvette! There needs to be a way to snap out of this, to feel better....I need something to help take this pain away. I'm desperate to feel better. Never try and fix a person, because while I was trying to help and make things better......I destroyed myself in the mean time. I am forever changed. Oh, if I could turn back time. I feel like a vase shattered in pieces and slowing I glue the pieces together. But its not fast enough....I want my old life, my old ME....and I cant seem to get there fast enough.....and some days it terrifies me. |
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ViLo 8:06 AM Thu 24th Dec, 2020 |
I work in mental health, considered myself to be a really good communicator, and had been is YEARS of therapy before I got into a relationship with my boyfriend of four years. As so many have said, I thought I had met the man of my dreams...until I started to feel subtly put down, controlled, anxious as hell, unable to speak up, a shadow of my former self. I found myself in a world of projections, jealousy, negativity, paranoia, no laughter, rigidity, and lack of coherence. I became reactive and looked like I had an attachment or personality disorder. I started to believe that it WAS ME, that I wasn't as healed from my past as I thought. I tried more therapy and couple's therapy, which made me feel like I was even crazier. I tried anti-depressants and those worked for awhile until I got sick with Covid. Even as sick as I was (which was REALLY sick), I felt like I was invisible and that his interests came first. I exploded again and moved out. Somewhere in there I caught on to HFA and studied and researched and tried so hard (again) to be understanding and more patient...all the negativity, the lack of, the subtle control, the feeling invisible builds until I exploded and look crazy AGAIN. Retaliation too - I always had this feeling that if I didn't go along with something he wanted, I would be punished. But it was me, right? I'm the one who is too controlling, too jealous, too paranoid. Someone wrote how everything they say about us is actually THEM. God, it's crazy making. Now I sit here alone knowing that he is a good man and that we both tried as hard as we could. He really did try so hard and that is what makes leaving so painful. I know he would do anything he could to keep me, but he can't fake feeling, hugs, cuddles, eye contact, real empathy, consistency, wisdom, laughter...all the things my soul needs to thrive. I'm going to need a lot of time to heal and process and to trust myself and my judgement again. I hope the more and more I am with neurotypicals I will find myself again and find reality. Hugs to all of you. I hear you and I believe you. |
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Heinrich 6:45 PM Wed 23rd Dec, 2020 |
It has been a year (plus some weeks) since everything ended with the Autist I dated. At some point, I thought that I was finally over it. But I am not. I didn't meet with many men this year because of the corona, but I did find two men where things got more serious - but I always ended it at the very beginning because I am not able to start a relationship at the very moment. I am just broken inside. The good moments we had were so wonderful. Like something, I have never experienced before. And the bad moments were so horrible. He really mistreated me. How do I stop being so broken inside? I have googled how it is to be in a relationship with a psychopath. And I actually don't see any difference to how I am feeling and how a victim of a psychopath feels. |
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mouse 3:58 PM Tue 22nd Dec, 2020 |
@PhD. I agreee, bc of their brain wiring, I also believe they don't really experience empathy in the way NT's do. Intuitively, and with fleksibility. I(NT) care how i affect other people, bc the emotional state of people arround me affects how I feel. That makes it a priority to me, to not harm people around me, or close to me, if possible, bc its not a great feeling... I don't think people with ASD get uncomfortable if people around them, or close to them aren't feeling great, bc they don't have that instant empathy.. but i do think thay have cognitive empathy. They r able to learn some rules about how to avoid harming other people. However, bc of the lack of emotional empathy, it will probably not be a natural priority to them, unless they r raised really well, or 'behaving well to others' somehow serves a purpose they find worth while... And i also believe some people with ASD work harder on making up for their shortcomings than others.. still, bc autistic (I think?) means 'being in ur own world' they will never really enter the 'emotional worlds' of others, and therefore it will be a lonely place to be their companion, while they won't see the problem, except, u, the lonely NT appears to have some problem. They just don't see it, and if u make a fuzz about it, they will find u annoying, maybe even mean... Ur not, but they r likely to see it that way. So, as I see it, no other way to stay sain around them, than to understand, there r things they just don't get. So yes, 'not doing harm' will probably not be a concept they will understand in the same way NT's with emotional empathy will understand it... Anyways, read somewhere, that the frontal lobe (empathy, impulse control, planning, personality, prioritizing and more...) is hard to differentiate from the temporal lobe (memory, hearing, taste, smell, processing visual inputs, emotional processes and more..) in individuals on the spectrum. Makes sense i think! They r simply working differently, and in my opinion, r not likely to change a lot. |
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Bianca 11:04 AM Tue 22nd Dec, 2020 |
Hi All, I have written on here before and as usual I am still the same idiot that's staying around hoping for a change. My ex fiance aspie (diagnosed) and I have been keeping in contact/seeing each other since he ended things and doesn't want to be pressured into putting a title on us yet. We see each other a couple times a week and act like people in a relationship (don't leave the house as he doesn't like going anywhere). We were going good and it was looking promising but then he went back onto his anti depressants and his literally become a freaking shell again, always sleeping and feeling down, not be right mentally (all side effects from the medication) and its like FFS we were going good and then BAM its back to square one. I don't have any friends where I live and am quite lonely so its like I am holding onto him (because i have love for him) but because I don't want to be alone/comfort. Having Aspergers/Clinicial Depression & ADHD is hard on him but also extremely hard on me to deal with as it affects alot of the "relationship". He says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me but its like all his medications is making him a freaking zombie and his just gone back into his freaking shell. WHATS WRONG WITH ME!!!! |
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Khey 4:10 AM Tue 22nd Dec, 2020 |
@Misty "My bf who I ended the relationship with always pleads with me when he can tell I’m serious about leaving. In the beginning he can be harsh, rude, and very cold and when I don’t play into it he starts to open up and beg me to stay with him, tries to compromise and say what he will change... .... The alarming part for me is the timing because it only happens when I'm ready to leave and it seems like desperation to get me to stay. It seems like emotional manipulation" Same here. Just temporary change, same coldness at first reaction... Today I spend the day with 7 people and laughed again, and one guy took me home from work (2 hours drive) and remembered how it is to talk to a neurotipical guy, "look in the eye", laughs, answers to questions... and so on. I danced again in my bedroom, and feel kind of joy. It has been one week without contact tomorrow.( I asked him to contact me through mail, not whatsapp). @lina thank you for your words, the are rooting me with my decision and make me realise I am in the good path. This community give me so much validation and sense of evertything. I feel so grateful... Thanks. |
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Misty 7:54 AM Mon 21st Dec, 2020 |
I want to add to my last submission and just say how happy I am to have this forum to know that I’m not alone in this or crazy and that others can relate. Aspires can go from warm and affectionate to hot and cold in a quick minute. My bf who I ended the relationship with always pleads with me when he can tell I’m serious about leaving. In the beginning he can be harsh, rude, and very cold and when I don’t play into it he starts to open up and beg me to stay with him, tries to compromise and say what he will change. After all the conversations arguments, why now?? It’s like a sick game and I’ve felt as though he sometimes got off on my frustration. The empath in me and the big heart in me feels bad and sorry that this exists, and that I cant help him, I’ve tried. I think everyone deserves to be loved how they need it and with that being said I can’t give up hope on getting reciprocity and the live I deserve from a partner. I want to be happy with someone. And like others have said I do sense jealousy from him in things that I’m passionate and good at that he cant do. It sad, why wouldn’t you want to see your partner doing well in something. I’ve often told him the things that he says about me are almost as if he’s looking at himself in the mirror and they’re all a reflection of him. When I voice my feelings and concerns he always dishes them back at me using the same verbiage, almost verbatim of what I say. The bad just outweighs the good and he’s making the break up uglier than it should be. It’s taking a lot of strength in me to get through this and get out. And to cut it off completely, I don’t want to fall for the guilt trip, I already have many times and not enough has changed. It’s not the love I desire for myself or think that I deserve and I refuse to settle. |
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Misty 3:51 AM Mon 21st Dec, 2020 |
I've visited this site and read the testimonials periodically over the past 2 years and have found support and a lot of experiences I can relate to with my bf having aspergers. He never told me but I found out online from an old tweet. Even then I never said anything and did research and tried to educate myself on how to communicate with him and get him to be vulnerable and open up with me. I read so many sad posts and still had hope but I've tried everything and I decided to choose myself and move on. That's the sad part, I feel so bad because I can tell he has truly tried and for whatever reason, he just doesn't understand. I deserve the love I can give though. I agree with someone, it does feel like he has a checklist and just does things to get it out of the way, it doesn't seem natural. When I try to tell him about how I feel he doesn't make eye contact and plays games on his phone. Many times I've been called overly sensitive, too emotional, and an overthinker. Any time I try to talk to him about my concerns he immediately becomes critical of me. He never brings his reservations about me on his own. He says it's because he's anxious, and the only time he doesn't do that is when I'm ready to walk away. I've gotten to this point too many times, but this time I have to do what's best for me and my happiness. My last card to play was going to therapy together and he refused. Sex just feels like a routine, same with any kind of date. We always do more or less of the same thing. I pick where we eat all the time and find the things for us to do, he rarely takes initiative. A lot of times when I communicate my feelings he won't talk to me for two days because he gets upset and has to "cool off". I always hated that silent treatment, and now when I am finally over it and not paying it any mind it angered him and he has broken things and thrown my clothes. I tried to drive away today and he came to my car and knocked on the window which alarmed me and I refused to roll the window down and asked him several times to back away and leave me alone then he claimed I ran over his toe. It's just getting out of hand. After 2 years of being together and a constant struggle of getting him to open up, talk to me about his feelings so I can understand, dealt with the emotional cheating and lies, he now opens up to say he had depression and anxiety and counseling before dating me. The alarming part for me is the timing because it only happens when I'm ready to leave and it seems like desperation to get me to stay. It seems like emotional manipulation. Everything is very much routine with him and cold, I can't do it anymore. He also says no a lot to my ideas, or things I want to do. It;s not that much fun being with him. |
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Laurie 2:27 AM Mon 21st Dec, 2020 |
This site has helped me hold on to what little sanity I have left. I am still grieving and also trying to have some schema in my mind for understanding my HFA as only late in summer through counseling have I heard of HFA. I don't feel understood by a single living soul! Two weeks ago my husband's brother was in a motorcycle accident that has left him in a coma for now. The first day he went into some sort of rage at me for not taking out the right knife for butter and threw it across kitchen and made a mess in general. That evening I asked him if he needed a hug and he said no as he glared at me as if he was thinking why? So, I have lost two brothers through rather traumatic circumstances with NO support from him or his family. Knowing what I know I just stay silent and watch the swirl. He went on a drunk last night. This is after Mayo doctor begged him to stop drinking as he is compromised from another health issue. If I were to ask him how he is feeling I know the response would be how do you think I feel. He is on the live chats with family then gets off and total silence towards me. We went to look at semis yesterday and I got a tongue lashing bc I didn't want to hear in intricate detail why he picked the 2 out of the fleet above the others! Seriously! I haven't been touched in 14 years and I want to a diatribe about stuff? He very much lives in empirical world. When I used to protest or ask for any quality of life matters the first 2 years of our marriage his pat response was always oh for f#@$+ sake and I would be quickly put back on the reservation. I am a bundle of unmet needs. I have to outsource everything! I mean everything. Yet, the day of the accident I was told how messed up I am and my family as well and I should be more like his family. Saying this bc he can differentiate between what is good with his family and what was and is not so good. Alcoholic underfunctioning father. My body and mind physically hurt in this altered reality he believes to be living and nailing it! |
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Lina 9:17 PM Sun 20th Dec, 2020 |
@khey, I'm sorry about your current situation. I know I can't offer you advice directly because I don't know your personal history, but... unfortunately your ex aspie's behavior isn't surprising amid so many other stories described on the forum about the same way of doing things. I include my "rescue"/self-indulgence/"abandonment" story. And I think you already know your answer and the future of the situation from the way you wrote your looping story with that person. Simply you, your mind and body are fed up with so many promises that aren't kept and that do not guarantee a real partner at your side, as you wish. Trust in him has ended and I know it is difficult to assume this for yourself with a heart hopeful for new promises. After a while, these consecutive failures rot everything in our life, contaminating our entire existence to very deep levels that are almost irreversible. Unlike them and the "bonds" they create with people, we all look for guarantees, validations, compatibility with people who are close to us. We have the concept of intimacy! He isn't even able to understand what all these concepts are. He is not even able to understand why he is modifying or promising this to you. He can not. And I'm sorry to say, but he will rarely understand all of that. Or rather, he can understand, but entirely on a cognitive level, never further or deeper. It's like asking you to turn off your empathy and not be more affective to survive a relationship - are you able? It's simply against your nature and your lifetime resources. Your mind doesn't process this simply because you aren't able to change your mental configuration with the power of choice. I cannot suggest that you abandon everything because I also didn't want to abandon it for a long time. But I suggest you see the facts very clearly because they are usually for life. The situation is practically unchanging with them... sometimes, with less effort from the mask, things will get worse and can make you even more of a prisoner in a lonely and rock-hard future. The disturbance is there and forever will be. What do you want for your life with a partner? Read the testimonials of this forum and walk towards the best FOR YOU. One foot in front of the other, with tolerance for yourself, total love for you and facing a long mourning. It's the life lesson that will make you even more loving and prepared for someone who will be reciprocal and equally loving to you. You deserve better than a prison and life as a coach/caregiver/teacher/mother for a boyfriend/son. Sending hugs to you! <3 |
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Bridgette Elizabeth 5:02 AM Sun 20th Dec, 2020 |
I just asked him, because I didn't want to deny my anger and then rage inside, "why do you dismiss something good that happened because of something I've done and give credit to something or someone else?" I continued, "what motivates you to do that?" This is a regular occurrence and it's really getting on my nerves. I don't want a party or pat on the back but to flat out deny it was a result of my doing this or that I just don't understand. It's like I'm living with someone who is a jealous peer not a person who is supposed to love me. He was trying to make an excuse of why it happened in this particular situation and I just responded that this happens often. I bet you all can guess his final response? Leaving the room. I shall not let this ruin the rest of my day. Merry Christmas to you all! |
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khey 3:37 AM Sun 20th Dec, 2020 |
I wrote two months ago, after breaking up in october.. but it came to my parents place to promise me change - in communication, affection and intimacy - and kind of show up as a "normal person", which made me doubt about what I had seen the 2 years I spent with him. He kissed me, talked to me looking in the eye, and have sex with connection (just once). I got very very confused and gave a second opportunity to the relationship. After one week with him again, everything started again being as always, but with him trying to fulfill my needs in a way that only makes me cry. I feel like he has a checklist to do it everyday. - No communication (he asks "how are you" while looking to his youtube videos) -> he thinks this is what I need. - No affection (he gives me hugs and after 3 seconds he says in aloud voice "done" - No intimacy (he kisses me in the mouth Sticking out the tongue for one second)There is no feeling in this way of kissing. - No connection When I tried to explain about how I feel, he always says I'm over sensitive, he says "shhhhhhh" while I'm talking upset, or crying (if I show emotion of any kind)... and blames me for the lack of sex, and communication: "everything affects you sooo much" "You have such a mood swings"... "your vibration is very high and disturbs me.."Everything was my fault again. I started feeling again that there is a black cloud above my head everytime I arrived home, and falling in a deep black hole. I decided to definitively leave the house last week, I'm at my parents and found a new place for me. He promised again to have sex everyday, communication and affection, socialising (never happened in 2 years) and I dont trust anymore what he says. I read about rol playing and I think that is what he did to get me back in the relationship. It hurts, but I need to be strong not to fall again. Thank you for the support. |
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Kori 6:31 PM Sat 19th Dec, 2020 |
Does anyone have an aspie husband who makes you cringe with everything they do? Like despite that they are seriously abusive, they are also dumb as rocks?? I swear to goodness we will never have a social life because of HIM! I hear about the stuff he says to people at work and I'm like "You REALLY said that to that person?!?". No wonder you have zero friends. He just doesn't understand basic, and I mean super basic common knowledge. Here I am taking an incredible amount of verbal abuse and he can't mentally process or hold knowledge that a basic 10 year old can. It's like I want to say "Who the hell do you think you are trying to call ME OUT on everything under the sun, and calling ME names when you can't even make a single friend or hold a conversation without saying something insulting or just down right creepy and weird?!" I want a life. I want a big social network. I want to have friends and family over but he is just so embarrassing and so hard to relate to. People only talk to me now. If we actually do get invited to something, it's usually just me who gets invited. I hate to be the one to say this but, how can a person be so damn confident in their abuse yet so, so damn dumb? How in the work can he not change?! You can teach a toddler to do some of the things he struggles with. I will never forgive myself for this lige5 I chose for myself. |
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Vicky 10:58 AM Sat 19th Dec, 2020 |
Hi, this is the first time I have ever written on here but I have been reading the comments for many months. I instigated separation with my husband approx 7 months ago. We have 2 children , aged 6 and 8. I realised my husband had Aspergers about 6 months after my eldest was diagnosed with ASD. It was an unbelievable lightbulb moment and explained so much. I have lost a lot of confidence from the person I used to be and am slowly working my way back. I didn’t want my marriage to end but saw no other resolution. I am far from perfect and know that I was difficult for him to live with - I’m always late for things , fly by the seat of my pants and love socialising with friends. So how did I find myself in a 10 year relationship with someone who absolutely needs routine and order and who generally hates socialising ? Yet this is where I found myself. I have been on the end of verbal abuse for most of the relationship and have been called many many names. I have been ignored and blamed for most of the problems. I knew it was damaging me but worse still I knew I couldn’t let my kids think this was ok and knew it would shape their future choices of relationships. So I made the call and he was gone very quickly. He shows no sadness, no regret, no desire to reconcile/seek help from therapy. He doesn’t seem to miss us much at all and sees the kids just once a week. It hurts , it hurts a lot even though my rational brain knows it’s absolutely the right thing. I feel broken, sad and very tired. It’s amicable and ok between us. We will spend Xmas morning together with the kids and have managed birthdays and school events without drama. For the kids it is managed well but I find continuing a relationship different. He is funny and interesting and we have an ease with each other/the comfort you get from a long term relationship of knowing someone so well. But overall I know he is not good for me. I will keep reading these posts and keep reminding myself that I am on the right path and that things will get better with time - even though most of the time it feels just plain hard. |
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PhD 1:52 AM Sat 19th Dec, 2020 |
@Mouse - You said : "They r roleplaying 'normal'. They had to do that their whole lifes, to appear 'normal', most times, probably not to harm other people". They are masking ("roleplaying "normal") in order to fit in, get what they want and not to get hurt. Not harming other people is a concept that is completely alien to them, something that does not exist in the autistic universe they live in. Not harming other people relates to empathy of which they are incapable of due to pathology in their brains. |
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mouse 3:10 AM Thu 17th Dec, 2020 |
@Jenny. Yes, it sounds like a reaction to trauma. It will take time, but it can get better. Keep searching for knowledge about autism, and how it affects behaviour, and how that behaviour affects u. U r in love with a person that doesn't really exist. It is a very mind baffling thing to experience and process. But it is possible. I have no idea who the person i spend years with 'really' is? And neither does he, probably? I will never know, and it took years, but i no longer need to know how he 'really' felt about me, or why he didden't want to be close to me, or even talk to me that much, after the first couple of months.... He would keep putting on he's 'social' act though, when people came to our house, and then go straight back to distant when they left. I think he's simply having a fixed idea about how he's life should work out, and i was simply asking to many questions, and demanding more than he felt comfortably giving. Cause intimate talk etc. actually isn't pleasurable to him(!). So, feeling like the least interesting person ind the world, to the person who r supposed to love u, and probably says so to(??), is simply very painful, and confusing, and will make ur selfesteem hit rock bottom. U r worthy of respect and attention, he just can't give it to u. Its important to realise that. He's not capable of doing that. So yes, I also really hated myself, couldn't eat, drank to much (cause it made me feel 'normal'... not the day after though...!), made very bad decisions, and actually ended up in hospital for a couple of days, cause i forgot how to take care of my own basic needs...i felt that unimportant to myself(!). Its a struggle to get better...but its worth it. I think of the emotional reaction a little bit like this: If somebody told u of, forgot ur birthday, gave u a bill, or someone yelled at u in the street etc. u feel bad for a while, maybe an hour, maybe a day,maybe two, but then u shake it off, and move on. U got yelled at, belittled, and abused for years, its gonna take longer to shake off. But the more u understand what happened, that he is simply not able to do the normal things people do to make their loved ones feel important and loved, it will get easier to let him go. And u will have to grieve something that wasn't real. They r really good at representing like perfect people, thats why its so tempting to go back, its simply hard to understand they r not what they seem to be. They r roleplaying 'normal'. They had to do that their whole lifes, to appear 'normal', most times, probably not to harm other people. But they will do it to get what they need/want, because being autistic, means not really being above ur own needs..and that need might be, to appear to be the best person in the world.. in my experience.. so, u will have to learn all the basic ways to treat ur self well again, cause he probably made u think that was not important (the way he behaved around u..), and that voice might still be inside ur head somewhere... I had to learn to speak nicely to myself again, with understanding, tolerance, patience, and other things that makes living a lot more endurable...and yes,just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and eat! There is always hope, even when u can't see it. |
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Red 1:47 AM Thu 17th Dec, 2020 |
It is great that there is a site for US! I love that there is a diagnosis of an even more horrific form of PTSD - because that is exactly how life is with my aspie. He has mocked me, my words, my inflection, my accent, my pronunciation, gestures, etc.. anything to deflect the attention from him and his behavior and blame it all on me. I knew it was not me : ) all along, I am a strong women. I thought he was a narcissist or had a mental illness, it mirrors so many things. But autism fits. Even though they would call him high functioning, he is little more than a collection of abusive blaming memes to me the past 10 years. It took me 20 years to figure out that he was emotionally stunted at about age 2. I felt horrified when I finally realized that nothing he has said for 20 years had made sense, yet I continued to try to make sense of it! Reading this site and what the other spouses said was like coming home. I felt my old self rush back, all my charisma and magnetism. All my old social abilities are still there! Everything he said about me was a lie - he was puking onto me the things he hated about his own self. Every time he tried to emotionally batter me, he was battering his own demons. It had NOTHING to do with me! Such freedom : D in those true words; nothing has ever rung so true. |
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Donald 9:16 PM Wed 16th Dec, 2020 |
@Jenny, one day people will look to - You, for advice. You are the brave and strong one right now. Do you know that? You have got out of the hell. Please don’t return to it. You are stronger than so many of us. Believe that. In the next six months, it will be me, coming to you for advice when I leave my autistic wife. I am so scared of that moment, but it is inevitable, the time is going to come. Her daily neglect/abuse is not taking the same toll on me as it did before. This site is helping me so much. I have been reading the testimonials for well over one year now. When I am feeling at my worst, I read all your words here, so many people, so many heartbreaking stories. To know that I am not alone, is like a warm blanket wrapped around me. One day she can be a little nice, the next, like today, the silent treatment is here again. And I have no idea why. It hurts when you love that person (my wife) so much. I will never get used to it or accept it, I want so much more that this from a relationship. I have stopped having my ‘talks’ with her. To help her/us. Almost one and a half years of talking has done no good. I gave up last month. And they would usually end in her saying she wants a divorce anyway. They can’t and won’t change. Most likely, it will just get worse as time passes. The cognitive dissonance, for me is incredibly difficult and confusing. I love her so much/I hate her so much. They are such real feelings. And they are the opposite of eachother. @Jenny, it might help for you to focus on the bad times you had, rather than the good times. When you think about him, think about the heartache you suffered while being with him. |
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Lina 12:27 PM Wed 16th Dec, 2020 |
@Jenny, I know your intimate would love the photos to be for love. But they are probably not and represent other causes ... like his attachment to objects, contempt for changes. My ex didn't delete our photos either, but he just doesn't care about me anymore and doesn't know anything about me. What can I do? Nothing. I'm sorry like you every day and I know what it's like to live this sick hell in your head. I have never felt so overwhelmed in my life. Sometimes I want to hit my head hard on the wall so that I can be at peace for a moment.. But I know it would hurt again. I understand your pain, I'm on the same path as you. The only advice I can give you is what I do with myself and what @Donald also said. Observe the context, observe your release from an immensely dramatic future. Read all the testimonials of this site built by so much pain and disappointment. A marriage with him would kill you out of loneliness and madness, denial of what you are all about. The only nice things about him probably disappeared entirely. And there, again, you would be abandoned and alone. With only a few years to live, you can avoid the path of that dark future. I am also looking forward and healthy. It exists, believe me! Don't look at his things anymore because it will hurt you deeply. Be good to yourself, please.🌸 |
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Donald 10:21 AM Wed 16th Dec, 2020 |
@Jenny, if he is autistic, his love for you probably won’t be the same as your love for him. It is sad I know, and heartbreaking. I don’t have much advice sorry. I find that reading the testimonials really helps. Look at the bigger picture, not just today or tomorrow. But imagine how your life could improve now, new possibilities. Find someone to talk to. It was not your fault. Stay strong. If he still has a picture on the wall of you, I don’t think it will necessarily mean that he still loves you. His attachment to people will be a lot different to yours. Try and think of it like he has the emotional brain of a child. That is very different to the way you see and feel. Just put one foot in front or the other, and keep going. That is what you must do. |
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Vicky 9:43 AM Wed 16th Dec, 2020 |
Jenny - you don’t say how long since the break up?? You checking on him on YouTube is something that will prevent you from detoxing and staying focused on finding yourself again. You sound like all of us right before we go back and start all over again and immediately the same things occur and we wonder why we returned. I know your frustration, confusion, hurt and ruminating but all of this is keeping you from grieving and eventually finding yourself again. When I waver on wanting to reach out to him, I write down all of the reasons why I needed to go. Neglect, no initiative on intimacy, little to no communication, no growth or nurturing as a couple, no help around the house, always working, no shared couple activities. The biggest single issue that made it final for me is he only gets worse as he ages and I could not imagine it getting worse. I would have died from an illness if I stayed, the physical symptoms I had were getting worse as each year ticked by. I know it is hard and I hope you find your way. |
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Donald 4:50 AM Wed 16th Dec, 2020 |
@Alex, Thank you for your words. You sound like you have been through a lot with your relationship. I hope you will get to a place of peace and happiness inside you. Being with an autistic person, in a serious relationship. Many of us know how difficult it is to get away and move on. @Alex, you wrote a couple of things, quite important I think. "How can I love someone who treats me like a piece of wood? Just managing strange emotions I feel when I have to meet her for work. She really feels nothing for me. Total coldness and indifference. She asks me how I am in a total impersonal way. It's a mechanical act - no real interest in how I am". You also wrote "My friends told me to just block her and leave. But it was not possible for me to do that at the time, I know it sounds strange. It felt like my soul would break if I did that". These words are 100% true for me as well. There is nothing strange, this is reality for us NT people who end up with autistic people. We live in a reality that is - not reality. A mechanical act. I get asked the same four questions every day, in a totally mechanical way, with no real interest, and definitely no follow up questions. How are you, how was work, did you sleep well, and are you tired. For nearly three years, those are my standard mechanical impersonal questions. I have tried to talk to her and help her so many times with her social skills, but how do you help someone who has no interest in improving, or showing a bit more loving care. @HowdidInotseeit - I really hope you will be ok. You wrote something that is quite sad, but is the reality of being with an autistic person. I hope people read this and take it seriously, before getting married to an autistic. You wrote "To look back over 17 years and only have a handful of happy memories thanks to my own accomplishments says it all". I only have experience with one autistic person, so I don't know everything. I know everyone is different. But I read about people saying how intelligent they are. Is that true? Not in my experience. A total lack of common sense I find with her, in our relationship. One thing that disturbs me, is that I read people asking over and over. Can they change? Will it get better? Let's be clear - no, they can't and don't change. Their brains are wired that way. Please accept that. The way your relationship is now, is the way it will probably be in the future. No matter how many 'talks' you have with them, in a loving and caring way ofcourse, no matter how much you try and 'help them', they can not change. Any change you do see will be either very small, or just short term (days, maybe weeks). If you are still in the first two years of a relationship with an autistic person, then you have probably not seen the 'real person' yet. I am not saying to leave, I would never tell a person what to do. I would just encourage you to be very careful how deep, and how fast you move with your relationship. I think I read these words on this website somewhere "when you are in a relationship with an aspergers person, you have to really lower your expectations". I think you have to lower them so much, that sometimes it is like having no relationship at all. Ask yourself - Is that the kind of long term relationship I really want? Some people write in asking how do I know it it is aspergers/autism? Over time, you will just know. Look at the signs. Love bombing, eye contact (too intense, or lack of), natural back and forth in a conversation, lack of questions/interest in you, one dimensional, robotic, highly sensitive to any criticism, meltdowns (a childlike state), does not have many friends, very poor/no foreplay in the bedroom, sensory conditions (sound, smell, touch), poor social skills, has one special interest, prefers to be alone much of the time, does not talk about the past/future very much, arrogant, extreme selfishness, extreme self centredness, low empathy, controlling, passive aggressive behaviour, does not get attached to people/things, hurtful comments, workaholic, lack of intimacy, neglect, narcissism. These are just some of the things I can think of. When you live with an autistic person, it is like living with two people. The person you love, and a monster (To me, the monster is the narcissist in her. Defiant, no empathy, extremely oppositional, cold, unloving and uncaring). But they both live inside the person you love. To live with the person you love, you have to accept the monster as well. Can I do it? I battle with this question every hour of my life now. I love my wife so so much, it is like an addiction, I am very sorry to say. I just want the monster to go away, but I know it never will, and I would still be left with a neglectful, unhappy and totally unfulfilling relationship. I will take one day at a time. My plan is to distance myself emotionally, a little bit more. So the daily hurt is not so severe. How do we get so addicted to these people? Why? I have had relationships in the past, and I could walk away when it was necessary, but it is so much more difficult now. I should, but like @Alex said - my soul would break. |
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Jenny 9:13 PM Tue 15th Dec, 2020 |
So following on from my last testimonial, I’ve left him and the abuse has really left an imprint on my perception of myself and life in general. Has anyone else that’s had an abusive autistic ex been struggling with what I have? I can’t eat, I can’t think, I hate myself, everyone feels like an enemy. I am acting so impulsively too, I’m unbelievably depressed and I blame myself entirely for what had been happening. I don’t know whether it was just because I’m an awful person to be around that he acted in those ways or if I was just misunderstanding his autism. Any advice or experience would be greatly appreciated. I saw he had posted some more YouTube videos of his guitar playing (one of his other obsessions other thank myself) and he had posted two songs on my birthday with names such as “heaven in her arms” etc. He also has not taken down my paintings or pictures of us on his walls that I could see in the video. Perhaps he did love me? Maybe he even misses me? Or perhaps he just hasn’t been bothered to take them down and can keep them as they mean nothing to him? I’m so confused. My sense of self has completely diminished, I have no idea who I am or what I want. Please any advice! |
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Flá 5:30 AM Tue 15th Dec, 2020 |
I feel deeply depressed and nostalgic. I write many times for this forum and read as many horrible stories as mine. I am so sad for us that we love so much. He and I ended our two-year "relationship" a few months ago (7 months), but this toxic taste just doesn't get out of my mouth and stomach. I must fight my ego every day to accept an imposed situation of pathology and madness upon me, without my permission. I was not warned about anything and I was not prepared for it. I must feel offended at the same time as I must understand that everything will always be this way with this person. There is no way out. There is no mindset that supports this constant daily cognitive dissonance, without understanding and good sense of spirit. I feel that I owe energy to my life for having to dedicate excessive attention to this healing process to feel slightly better. My plans for existence, future and desires were simply undermined, exhausted by that person. I was not prepared to start from scratch and I never imagined in life to be abandoned in another country, where I was lonely and completely fragile by the unusual pandemic (simply to be exchanged for a doctorate in mathematics). It was all so traumatic that the scenes constantly replay in me with a horrible taste of bitterness. I have no desire for anything, although I make a huge effort with myself. When I feel like I'm being patient, understanding what the whole process was about, just the anger returns because I wish he could see me. The painful fact of this whole story is not the end, but the abandonment of the way it was... invisibility as the only final acknowledgment of all this tragedy that he once called "relationship". I hate him for not even trying to make the efforts that some aspies are able to make with minimal awareness. That idiot doesn't even see that. He knows extensively about mathematics and the theory of the two infinities, but ironically, he knows nothing about the thousands of infinite pains that a person can also feel from receiving immense emotional aggression. He doesn't know about me and he will never make a move towards me. How can I continue with all the support (friends, therapy and family) if I do not progress at all? I want the mental freedom I had before, I want to be able to feel positive things.. but my brain is always programmed for this damn looping hell, deceived by a mask I loved so much! How many more times should I repeat to myself that this person never existed and that he doesn't remember me anymore? |
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Alex 9:54 PM Sun 13th Dec, 2020 |
It’s really shocking when you face zero empathy. I think we are not prepared to really process it. There is something inside that keeps telling oneself that it can’t be completely true. How can someone who is supposed to love you, watch your pain and remain completely cold and be cruel? I’m really sorry @Donald to hear about your suffering. In my case the biggest one (but of course there were many others) was when my mother died. I was expecting some hugs and nice sweet words. All I got was being yelled because my emotional state was spoiling a special interest event. And being mocked, she was laughing at me, every word I said. Then silent treatment and disappearing. But then one day, from nothing, she was sweet and nice again. My friends told me just to block her and leave. But it was not possible for me to do that at that time, I know it sounds strange. It felt like my soul would break if I did that. And I knew I had to get out from there, it was just not possible for me to do that. Some people couldn’t understand it, so I stopped talking to them about my situation. Of course in my case was easier because then was her to leave me, now I realize she couldn’t manage me constantly trying to talk to her and telling how her behaviour was not acceptable for me. What really has been helping me is to read about trauma bonding, so I can understand what happened to me, and not blame me too much about the “not leaving before” issue. Is not that simple. There are many online resources, also read the book “The human magnet syndrome”, it helped me to understand the wicked co-depency/narcissism game. And found a great therapist used to work with bonds and trauma. And I must say that with time everything is gets much much better. So let's stay strong and take care of ourselves step by step. |
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Donald 10:20 AM Sun 13th Dec, 2020 |
@Alex, thanks for your words. That was very much appreciated. My first step is to get myself emotionally stronger again. And I can start by changing my thinking, so hopefully I can get to a point where I don’t need her validation every day. Some days she can be so nice, but I know now, that the niceness is paper thin. Underneath that, I can only describe as something like a psychopath. And the slightest thing can make her change from being nice to being so cold and heartless. If you hear the words “no empathy”, to truly understand what that means, you have to see it in a person, you have to experience it. That is the only way to understand how inhuman it is. The first time I experienced it, I was in shock and disbelief and confusion. The woman I loved, the woman I married. One night, she started saying very cruel and hurtful things to me. It carried on for a few hours, it was not provoked or anything. We were on holiday at the time, and I got the feeling she was trying to hurt me every day of that holiday. I don’t know why. But she just seemed to get some strange satisfaction from trying to hurt me emotionally. So that night, it took its toll on me, and yes, I broke down. After days of abuse, it caught up with me. I tried to run away that night, but she caught me. And physically pulled me back to where we were staying, but I was quite broken with all the abuse, that I collapsed on the ground outside. While I was lying on the ground in absolute emotional pain. She looked at me and just started singing to herself. I could see the satisfaction in her face. She did not try and hide it. She had finally broke me, I was on the ground. I did not see a human that night, I saw a monster. And that night will haunt me for the rest of my life. She did not try and help me, she just got enjoyment from watching me suffer. Why did I not leave her that night? I was going to. But by the time we got home, she was so nice, and I just thought it was a one off. But since then, I have seen that - no empathy in her, many times. I am just more numb to it now. But it still hurts. I will not be the only person with a story like this. We all suffer, while being in a relationship with a Asperger. If there is anyone out there who is wondering, will I marry him/her, knowing or even suspecting they may have Autism, or high levels of narcissism. The pain you will go through during that marriage can not be ignored or underestimated. If you are with someone with low levels of empathy, if they can not feel for you when you are in pain. If they can not comfort you when you need them to. Just don’t do it. But the way to see their levels of empathy, is when they have been hurt/slighted, if they are angry with you. Pay close attention to how they treat you, and how well they get on at managing any conflict between you two. And how quickly problems are solved. Sorry for going on and on. Just be careful if you end up with an autistic person. But I maybe I am being unfair on autistic people, I am sure they are not all like that. Everyone is different. Just think, how would it feel to be married to someone, who has the emotional capabilities of a five year old. Because that is a very real possibility. Stay strong everyone. |
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Lina 7:59 PM Sat 12th Dec, 2020 |
Does anyone have experience blocking an ex aspie's contact and he shows up in other places to talk as if nothing has happened? Why do they return to our lives after months after not realizing our existence?! |
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Chrissy 10:08 AM Sat 12th Dec, 2020 |
Hi everyone, I wrote on here a few months about my ex boyfriend. Umm, I'm finding things really hard right now. I'll try and keep it as brief as I can. We broke up in May because he decided to ghost me, I then checked his instagram, which is an account for his two dogs and he was following Camgirls, teenage ones who were 19, but looked around 15-17. My ex is 49, and very attractive, I'm pretty sure he uses fillers and botox too,I confronted him about the teenage camgirls back in June and he called me a spy, and he unfollowed them. We started getting close again in September after he started messaging me advice on art, and showing me my artwork hanging up in his house (we were long distance).I noticed he was always liking pictures of a young girl on Instagram who wasn't a cam girl, but early twenties, I gave him the benefit of a doubt, and well, he started popping heart emojis on her pics. When I'd send him saucy pics he'd just give me a thumbs up emoji, which left me feeling rejected every time. On Monday I had a look who he was following on instagram, and he was following the teenage cam girl from back in June again, so I looked at her account and the account was only 5 days old, so he'd been following her onlyfans and cam girl site the whole time he was trying to get back with me for this info. So I checked her site out, and one of the main contributors is someone with his dog's name. In anger and upset I screenshot her site pics, and tweeted on twitter that my ex was looking at these things and their ages, I then send him the replies of people being disgusted. He has blocked me now, but the whole year and a half of gaslighting, no emotional connection, and everything has led me to acting like a crazed woman, and I hate it. I study psychology, and I feel like I should know better, but I feel hurt. He never made love to me either, he could never manage it. I'm 13 years younger than him, and attractive, but I've never felt so old and ugly in my life. I'm so sorry for this, there's so much more I could add. I was a happy go lucky woman before I met him, but I've been left feeling insecure and broken :( I did love him so much. |
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HowdidInotseeit 12:43 AM Fri 11th Dec, 2020 |
@Donald, your experience is so close to my own in the way you expressed feelings I feel each and every day. The fear of being alone had me ignoring all the flags over the years, funny how they're so glaring now in my memories. I thought his personal growth was possible before we married, then later found out about aspergers. I've only recently detached enough to really see and admit I got myself into this hell, but more importantly true, no one will save me but myself(terrifying). This past week I've realized there will be no change with or from him, the change he thinks he makes has never been nearly enough. I will be the one to make the hard decision to go. As soon as financially capable I'm going. I never thought I'd say that, I never actually considered divorce as an option before this year. I've lost my youth (20s) and will not surrender the rest of my life to hopeless despair. Before we got married I told him I wanted children one day, thinking we were on the same page. We wanted a house before kids, got the house, no kids. God is good. I am SO relieved I waited, the one time I heard and listened to my gut. Especially after spending so much of my time and energy giving him every possible opportunity to resolve something, ANYTHING, yet still nothing. He will undoubtedly wonder what happened when I leave, but that is not my problem when I've been telling and attempting to explain things the whole time. We, empaths, need to take care of ourselves, we deserve hope, love and happiness. I realized that the milestones with my husband held no joyous memories, only disappointment with no recourse. I'm realistic as far as never expecting or even desiring perfection, but to look back over 17 years and only have a handful of happy memories thanks to my own accomplishments, says it all. Time has told me, I cannot. I've suffered multiple ego deaths(I'm better for it, but still painful)and lost count of how many grief cycles I've been through already thanks to betrayal/masking/lies/realization of what my life has become. I've allowed myself to accept less than my worth for way too long. I deserve more than that, as I'm sure most people here deserve to be treated much better in this life. I pray for courage, strength, discernment and healing for all. |
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Bianca 6:42 AM Thu 10th Dec, 2020 |
@Bella he say's he doesn't know what he wants at the moment but that he doesn't want to lose me and that he still loves me. So it's like I am holding out some hope that yes he can figure out his shit. He says due to Uni and the stress that comes with it, he can't think about what he wants at the moment which is true, people with Aspergers & ADHD (he has both) find it hard to focus on more than one thing so I am hoping that over summer he can spare some time. I have started therapy with a regular therapist and one who deals with Aspergers so fingers crossed that will help me! Its such a hard thing to just walk away its horrible cause theres just that little bit of hope and the whole break up and how sudden it was just wreaked havoc on my self esteem! |
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Alex 2:57 PM Wed 9th Dec, 2020 |
@Donald, mate, is not easy to accept that you are being mistreated by the one you love with all your heart. But loving her more will not make any difference and will keep further destroying your soul. I know is more easy to say than do, but don't be afraid of leaving this hell because the emptiness and loneliness you fear is what you already have now with her. Without her, the broken heart will slowly heal, and you will find peace again, and space, and friends, and joy and eventually real intimacy and love. |
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Bella 1:01 PM Wed 9th Dec, 2020 |
Bianca, you are so sweet and giving and patient! But if he truly wanted to make a future with you as his partner, nothing would stop him. His excuse is University now. What next? New job? People do what they want to do. Flip the situation - if you were the one in University, would you be putting him off? Being all wishy-washy? You deserve someone who would be excited to have a future with you! |
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Donald 8:48 AM Wed 9th Dec, 2020 |
Hello everyone. I have read so many heartbreaking stories here. And I feel for everyone, with their pain and hurt and frustration and anger I am a 44 year old male, and an empath. I met her at a very vulnerable time in my life, where I needed a friend, and someone to love. Very quickly, the love bombing was well under way. But at the time, I simply had no idea anything way wrong with that. She treated me like the most special and amazing man in the world. It was a dream for me. But thinking back, there were red flags, as we all know now. I married her 8 month after I met her. Everything was going so well. But it was a little different for me, I never lived with her at that point. We only saw eachother every week. One year after we met, things turned bad. She started making hurtful and inconsiderate comments. And she was incapable of empathy or compassion. So our conflicts never got handled in a loving and healthy way. Basically, I was left in pain most days. Waking up with an emotional hangover each day. That is when the trauma bonding began. And the intermittent reinforcement started. One day she would tell me how amazing and special I am, and she loves me so much. The next day, she would tell me she wants a divorce and other cruel things. It is such a painful existence living with a aspie, autistic. So painful. So painful. You give them your love, your heart, your whole life. And to them that is meaningless. As long as she has her special interest (mobile phone) she does not care about me. Some days she can be nice and try. But these days are becoming less and less. We have been married almost two years. And have lived together for one year. She changed about one and a half years into the relationship. The act, the mask started to come down. The hurtful words started more and more. The passives aggressive behaviour. The silent treatment was every few days, even though I have explained over and over how much that hurts. I have been studying narcissism and autism for over a year. I would encourage you to do the same. I read that the narcissism is a defence mechanism they use, because at a very young age, they knew that they were different. And they needed the narcissism as a defence. Learn as much as you can, but I bet you already have. I feel for you all, it is horrible. The trauma bonding keeps you there a lot of the time. It has for me. I am so lucky that we don’t have children. I told her we needed to wait, to make sure we can live happily together. Thank God I did that. I read a post a few weeks ago, it said “God forbid you ever have a child with one of these monsters “. I think there is truth in that. I think she only really wanted me, and kept the mask very firmly in place, because she wanted a child. As time has passed and the possible of a child is less for her. She has started being very disrespectful to me. The way she talks to me is very cruel. I have always been so good to her, loved her with all my heart. Been patient with her and tried to help her. I try to help explain her behaviour to her, as I know a great deal about Asperger now. But I am not allowed to say that word - autistic. She has never been diagnosed. But it is obvious now. Autistic with high levels of narcissism. That is what I am married to. Between an NT and an Asperger, the number one cause of the relationship ending is Empathy and Intimacy. Intimacy is a problem for her, I have tried hundreds of times to talk to her about things, things that adults do in privacy. She believes people don’t do these things. Her thinking, her brain is that of a young child. The defiant behaviour from her during conflict, always makes it painful and hurtful for me. I am highly sensitive. During conflict, her default setting is - divorce. Why? Because she can not handle it. Conflict is not resolved successfully. So the pain stays with me always. I was sure it was just narcissism or full NPD, until I read about sensory processing disorder. That opened up a whole new area for me. Autism. Autism and narcissism go hand in hand. I am wanting to leave. So much. But I love her with all my heart. And I am terrified of being alone. The psychological and emotional abuse I suffer on a daily basis is horrible. The neglect. I feel unwanted, unseen, unloved, invisible and unimportant. I just pray things will change, that she will go back to the way she was in the first year that I knew her. But I know that won’t happen. I am just so scared of the moment, the days I am not with her. Alone. I am scared so much of that. But I am good looking and muscular, I should not be scared at all. I just can’t believe this has happened to me. Like all of you out there, how did this happen to us. What did we do to deserve this emotional abuse. “Gifts of service”. She can buy me sixty five bananas, and boxes of other things. But she can’t come to me and do adult things, she can not sincerely have a deep and meaningful and loving talk with me. She is very robotic and one dimensional. Same four questions every day. Every single day. How are you? Etc No follow up questions, no interest in me. I made our wedding photo albums, and she would not even look at them. I have a thousand stories, like you all do. And ever one is like a thousand paper cuts. Our pain is not visible, like scars or bruises. It is all on the inside. And it feels so much worse that a bruise. How did I become this co dependant emotionally weak man. When did that happen. I was happily single for 7 years before I met her. If I could turn back time, I would wish I had never met her. Life goes on, and I will find a way. One of the worst things I have to live with is the constant invalidation, the denial of my feelings, the gaslighting, the no empathy. She will never say sorry. Not a proper sorry. She will always defend herself and her actions. For the first few weeks of the problems, I started blaming myself, and looking at myself, and thinking it was me that was the cause of the problems. I read a book, ‘the highly sensitive person in love’, and two words opened my eyes, and everything made more sense after that. The two words were “Narcissistic Abuse”, and how empaths are more at risk, and more vulnerable in falling for a narcissistic. I hope you all out there will be ok, I read about you in relationships for 5, 10, 20 years with an autistic person. My heart goes out to you. I am so lucky to have the internet, so I can understand and put words to my feelings and the horror that I am going through. It really helps me. And it helps me knowing that I am not alone. Your stories, your words have helped me so much. Thank you to you all. Please keep writing in. Take care |
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Bianca 6:56 AM Wed 9th Dec, 2020 |
@Bella - Thanks for your words. It's just so hard because when we are together its like it used to be. I just don't understand how he can say he still loves me and doesn't want to lose me but acts half ass'd about the situation and when I bring it up he just closes his mind off as he can't handle emotional conversations. Its like I can see that theres a bit in him that does want to be with me but its like his rational thinking/stress from uni is stopping him from doing so! |
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Flávia 5:09 AM Wed 9th Dec, 2020 |
@David, I have been learning deeply from you on this forum since I started logging in to read the testimonials a few months ago. Many of your words have been transcribed into a notebook of thoughts that I have with me and reread whenever I can. There are no books, no bibliographic sources that transmit better than the knowledge felt in the flesh and in pain. In fact, the essential point of your contributions is important and people should always access them while redoing their own codependency issues. Unfortunately the initial despair, the first searches on the subject, the friends or family themselves, as well as therapists automatically push the blame for us... it's difficult to access the truth behind the painful fact of a dysfunctional relationship, especially if we are in the codependent operating mechanism. After all, the answer is evident and we must think of it every day as a mantra to absorb slowly: we must never tolerate it again, accept any kind of abuse. And no pathology is our fault or should be forgiven for running over the best of us. I believe that his experience with an aspie woman, as well as that of our friend @Alex, opened the voices to other people on this forum. Although the forum has the greatest contribution of women who suffer in their relationships, I am sure that there are other men who are looking for the information that you have also experienced and even read about it. You are both very brave and deep for resolving to take this initiative. I really appreciate the fact that you are struggling to get out of the same pain and showing amazing and loving results with yourself and the process. The male and female soul are integrated in perfectly sensitive, supportive ways. I am very happy to see a NT that demonstrates this with such sensitivity here on the forum. All my admiration and affection for everything you have lived. I wish you the best for your journey with more love and empathy. Thanks for all! |
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Lud 4:54 AM Wed 9th Dec, 2020 |
Dear Nadia, you and your life experience go deeper than any text, book or video I can find on the topic. I felt really calm after reading a few times his words so distilled about a behavior that, for me - NT extreme, is so offensive and that it shook the structures. I know that I must prepare to see my ex-partner walking like a tractor forward... without even remembering my name or existence. I hate it when he said a phrase to me "- but now I don't know if I want a relationship with you, because I'm going to Canada and I need someone closer to me to hug". Detail: he never cared about hugs, maybe he wants to say that he needs someone to do the daily duties for him, no matter if it was me or anyone else. A red flag. Sometimes I make an attempt to put myself in his brain, to think as he thinks... but it makes me sick, it makes me panic. I can't mistreat myself like that. I cannot imagine the version of myself as an object or a utility. I thought that a trace of feeling could be inside him ... but apparently, that's not what there is. If he comes back, it will always be with the vision of utilitarianism. And who needs it in life? I hope I can get out of those arrests and offenses that he put me on the way. I feel that my spirit has been put under a very hard evolving test. I don't want to experience, in any life, giving my emotions to an aspie. Thank you for the words of support and for being who you are, a strong woman with a remarkable empathy. I wish the most beautiful in your life! |
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lila 12:59 AM Wed 9th Dec, 2020 |
Does couples counselling help at all? I am thinking of getting back together with my aspie ex fiance but I am absolutely terrified at the possibility of signing up for a lifetime of unhappiness. In the past he has said rude comments at times and it is so bizarre. When I confront him about it, he sees no problem with what he's said. He usually eventually apologizes but if its brought up again he makes light of what bothers me as if to say "here she goes again." Like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Its very frustrating and condescending He is sweet and makes me happy a lot of the time but these odd occurences and behaviors are starting pile up and are the reason I broke up with him in the first place. Can he really learn to change ? Or acknowledge his rude behavior? I'm 26 and love him very much. He's the only person I have been in love with and he makes me laugh. I just don't know how it will be in the long run and if I would be more emotionally fulfilled in a different partnership. |
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David 8:44 PM Tue 8th Dec, 2020 |
I see a lot of people focusing on Aspergers, even to the point of diagnosing it themselves, in an attempt to rationalize someone else's behavior. It is only natural to do this, because we like to understand what might be going wrong in our relationships, but as I've mentioned before, I think it is the wrong approach. By trying to understand someone else by applying a diagnostic label to them (and a label that we are largely unqualified to give), we are diverting ourselves from the real issues. The issue that binds all of these comments together is this: our partners didn't respect our needs, our feelings, and they lacked empathy and support. We were always the ones who were giving, expecting that with enough effort on our part, we would be reciprocated, but reciprocation never came. What does it matter whether the underlying reason is Aspergers, narcissism, BPD, or just an "NT" who is simply incapable of providing us what we need in life? It doesn't matter. When one sees these kinds of behaviors, and after making an earnest but failed attempt to communicate and address the issues in a mature and productive manner, it is time to leave. If you cannot do that, don't blame it on the other person, who is admittedly flawed and needs work. That is their problem. At some point, we must take responsibility for our unhappiness on ourselves, because although we saw the red flags, we lacked enough self-respect to leave a relationship that is causing us emotional pain. Aspies are nothing more than an extreme example of the kind of traits that we must avoid in any relationship, and as such they provide us with a useful "kick in the pants" (my term from a few posts ago) to move forward. Is this an easy process? Nope. Is it necessary, is it an opportunity for personal growth, is it a path towards happiness? YES! This will be my last post here, because I feel that I've done as much as I can to articulate my thoughts about this, and also because I'm feeling like this site has become too male-oriented, when in fact I see female aspies everyday, and the problems they create are equal to, if not greater than, those caused by male aspies. But I am grateful for this group and will check in from time to time without commenting further, because I suspect that I'll still see people trying to play therapist, when therapists themselves are, in my opinion, entirely unqualified to recognize Aspergers, to distinguish it from narcissistic personality disorder, or to help those partners who have been victimized by it (like us). Indeed, therapists usually cause more damage by invalidating our concerns. I will leave you all with one particular video that I believe is essential in giving us that "kick in the pants" that we all need- please check it out. It is a youtube video from the "School of Life" entitled: "The Capacity to Give Up on People." It is a very revealing and thoughtful window into our soul, and teaches us how to be more accountable for the choices that we make in our partners, and the actions that we take to move forward in life. Please take a look. I wish you all the best of luck. |
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Bella 10:31 AM Tue 8th Dec, 2020 |
Bianca - telling you you’re an idiot because of your beliefs is abusive! He has you where he wants you - a twice a week girlfriend. He is so passive aggressive stringing you along like that. You’re only 30! Set yourself free! You will grieve for a while, so be ready for that. If you do it now, by the time this pandemic is over, you’ll be well on your way to being emotionally ready for a new and great relationship to happen! As for him being the perfect guy for someone else and not you, I am having that feeling now too. My Ex AS guy is with someone else. He is masking big time. I have to remember that he will do the same to her as me. Truly a perfect birthday gift to yourself would be to take action for a much better future for yourself. |
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Alex 3:02 AM Tue 8th Dec, 2020 |
Hi, in my experience with an aspie woman, they are completely confused about wanting or not a relationship. I was completely lost for some months being told either that she wanted to enter into to some kind of relationship with me and the contrary. In a complete random way for me. Always making it clear that it would be a relationship with a lot of space between us. In fact the only thing that she was clear about was exposing that she was not sure about what she wanted. Started, ended without communicating to me, had to guess and ask… So finally told me that wanted nothing with me, but continued acting as if we were a couple, in fact. That kept me there expecting a final twist where she would decide to go fully back with me. That never happened, she finally told me that she wanted no relationship at all with me or no one else. But in one month she started a relationship with another person. As in the beginning she explained me a couple of things about this new relationship (which I didn’t want to hear, btw) I can say that she is completely blind and lost about what she wants. Of course I have a huge fear that she may have with him the kind of relationship that I wanted and couldn’t have. But deep inside me I know is not possible. Just listen to your guts, when someone wants to be with you, is with you. At the end, if someone doesn’t want to be fully compromised into a relationship, what’s the point into trying over and over? Be clear that what you understand by the word “relationship” is not the same that and aspie understands, wants, or is capable of achieving. Just don’t lose your mental sanity and health with someone who is not going to be there for you. Or at least have a clear view of where are you entering. Your needs won’t matter and you are going to be left in the lurch when they consider your needs or you to be a problem. I also had and an amazing connection, the best talks I ever had, she was fully committed to make me feel happy and special. Intelligent, cute, apparently social and caring. But it was just smoke, vanished as quickly as it came. Now I realize there was not a deep feeling behind. Really, protect yourself because “your aspie” is not going to do such thing for you. And @Bianca, greetings and be strong, not easy i know. You have a full life ahead to be with someone who loves you back and puts your bday on the top of priorities, as I'm sure you would do for him. 30y may seem a lot, but you have plenty of time to raise a family with someone who sees you, respects you, loves you and truly wants to be there with you. Just remember that you are special and you matter, don't expect less. |
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Jennifer 11:37 PM Mon 7th Dec, 2020 |
Hi Everyone, I am learning about Aspergers and NT relationships. How do we recognize the difference between some one who has: 1. Apergers shyness vs a Neurotypical who is shy/reserved 2. Aspergers quietness vs a Neurotypical who is quiet 2. Aspergers adversity to affection or not knowing how to give affection vs a Neurotypical who is not affectionate (the NT who grew up not receiving affection from family and thus doesn't know how to show it) 3. Aspergers not understanding emotional needs vs Neurotypical guy who is perhaps insensitive to a woman's emotional needs (E.g, they have grown up without sisters and dont really understand girls) 4. Aspergers Special Interest Vs a Neurotypical who has a hobby 5. Aspergers Sensory issue with food vs Neurotypical who doesn't like a particular food. Would like your thoughts especially if you have lived with a diagnosed Aspie and notice very distinct differences as I am dating some one who I think may have Aspergers but not really sure. I get confused if the behaviour is really Aspergers or could be explained by something else... Also for those who are with undiagnosed Aspies, how did you come to the conclusion they had Aspergers? Did they have a lot of signs of Aspergers or only a few? Thank you heaps :) |
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Nadia 7:11 PM Mon 7th Dec, 2020 |
Dear Lud, I wrote a long response to you and then lost it before sending, so I'm trying to remember exactly what I wrote. First, I fear you may have put too much confidence in me, but I'm honored to give you my thoughts, based on personal experience and lots of valid research and studies, having to do with ASD behaviors. I don't believe that ASP's cannot lie, but I do think your ex was truthful when he told you that he was looking for someone to help with his loneliness. I don't see it as a man looking for a woman, however. I actually see it as a little boy looking for someone, a mother or caretaker, to make him feel better. I doubt very much he is interested in the woman's interests and emotions, or in a relationship where two people share and are vulnerable with each other. The app makes perfect sense to me. It's not so different than the ASP's preference for pornography vs an intimate encounter with a partner. The need is met without any emotion or vulnerability. I also believe that having this disorder prohibits the understanding of the nuances in different types of relationships. For example, friend, acquaintance, intimate partner, treated similar by the ASP. Or worse, masking and doing more for a neighbor or acquaintance than for the partner. One reason we are so quickly replaced is because we are thought of not much differently than others. Another reason is because we are only there to serve a role. What we can offer and do for them. Decades long marriages and partnerships end, and the NT is replaced very quickly. Think for a moment about healthy relationships. They also can end, but the partners, although they still grieve, have a sense of gratitude for the growth they experienced in the relationship. I know how heartbreaking it is to feel as if you meant nothing, but you must realize that it has zero reflection on you as a person, or your inherent worth. You deserve better! Please, learn the tools that will enable you to rewire your thinking. Do self care, journaling, share your wonderful qualities with other NT's, and above all, love the child in you, so you can integrate that child with your adult self. |
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Bianca Needs A Kick In the Pants 12:57 PM Mon 7th Dec, 2020 |
Hi All, I have written on here before re my ex fiance and I "seeing each other" for the last several months since he abruptly ended things with me (with no communication/warning/because the change to his life with getting married freaked him out etc). His been diagnosed so I know he has Aspergers. He doesn't know if he wants to be with me or anyone but he says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. He only see's me once or twice a week max but doesn't want to make an effort to see me on more days and/or make an effort to see if we can work out again "because he doesn't know if he wants to be with anyone" even though I have shown him that we have pretty much been in a relationship without the title. I also told him that in order for him to know if he wants to be with me or anyone, wouldn't he make some sort of an effort with me to help figure it out? His doing a mechanical engineering degree so his focused on that but his just started summer holidays and I was hoping with him not having uni that he would at least just a little more just to see if we could work. His usual Aspergers - lack of communication, one sided conversation unless its about his special interest, neverrrrrrrr wants to leave his freaking house, has his quiet days where he needs to tune out. His said to me "he doesn't expect me to wait around until he sorts his shit out" yet he then says he doesn't want to lose me so his given me an out in a way but I DON'T KNOW WHATS HOLDING ME BACK. In our relationship he was masking majority of the time so I have only seen his true aspergers side really since we broke up. Do I feel that low about myself that I am willing to put my life on hold, trying to fight to get him back even though there is a strong possibility that he will either A) not want a relationship in the end OR B) he will be fine continuing what he have now with no "title" and not putting 100% in and I am still that dumbass girl who stays around. Its my 30th bday today and he finished his uni exams today and his so mentally exhausted that his now sleeping at home and said his zoning out without even a suggestion for a quick bite to eat to celebrate my birthday because he doesn't feel obligated to as we arent' in a relationship and he doesn't celebrate birthdays, christmas, easter etc so of course he won't celebrate for someone else. His tall, good looking, tattoo's, smart (so he looks good on paper) and the cons list is longer than the pro's list however I still want to keep trying but I see everyone's testimonies saying run for the hills but I am dumb enough to stay and keep trying?? I keep thinking that oh if I do stop trying then in a few months what if he does change his mind and wants to be with someone and then he does that and then that female gets the guy that I crave so much? Would he actually change his ways (when the mask comes off) or would it just be the same guy? He was ALWAYS against marriage and when we first got together I told him that I want marriage and kids and if he doesn't want that, then we should go our separate ways and his like no you make me want those things yet 12 months later with an engagement and a freaking unworn wedding dress hanging up in my wardrobe, he shits himself and is like I lost my mind I don't want those things! If I fight for us and things do go my way, would I end up getting my happily ever after or would it just be a life of me having to get used to staying at home and not having date nights/being told I am an idiot for believing in god/no date nights/one way conversations and sooo much more (his not abusive) and am I an idiot for trying to fix it or just desperate to not be alone because I am now 30 and my life is nothing like I expected it would be at this stage? Sorry for the rambling, being my birthday my emotions have just come out on a high! |
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Camille 9:12 AM Mon 7th Dec, 2020 |
@timeforachange and @Anonymous who posted on 6th Dec, Sunday. How do you feel about your family not approving of your partner. Think about why they don't approve and how your partner has treated/disregarded your family. You need to reflect on this; I left my partner and my family didn't respect him either after the manipulation/gaslighting and rudeness directed at me and my family. Your family knows your values, your happiness and everything you bring into this world. Don't disregard their warning. They want you to be the fullest you, and with your current partners, you are making sacrifices and running away from being you. I wish you all the bravery, courage and safety in leaving. Love is not supposed to be this hard. I left my undiagnosed aspie partner 3 weeks ago, and the liberation and reclaiming on my identity is bliss and work. But mostly liberation. x |
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Time for a change 9:44 AM Sun 6th Dec, 2020 |
I have been with a undiagnosed autistic for a decade. I'm wrung out. The chaps constantly miserable but won't pick himself up and stop feeling sorry for himself. I'm always always to be blamed and when he kicks off the amount of shite that comes out of him. He has me chasing my tail, stressed, upset. He used to take himself off sullenly to bed for days (to punish me to me, although he says differently) He's always in the right even when he's wrong. Last year he had a mental breakdown and I've had the worst year yet. He's home all the time but acts like everyone is personally trying to piss him off when they're just being kids or animals or ourselves. We had a massive bust up this evening. We've broken up and now I will be forced to live with him because he doesn't seem to be capable of taking himself off because of finances. I find despite him asking for forgiveness for 9 years of shit and blame on me (when all along it was him with the problem) and I just can't. I used to get so worried about him and self examined so much worried I was abusive. When it was him! Now I can't live a regular life. I'm so sick and tired of the stress from him. We have two young children and he's put me to hell and back one way or another and I've dealt with it as best I can without loosing my temper. The worst of it all is no one will help him neither with mental health or autism. They turned him down for a diagnosis because the poxy useless doctor couldn't see if he could make eye contact over zoom So back to me left supporting him. Yet he will not see what I do as supporting him even though its very hard work. I'm sick of being left to deal with him when he cannot control himself. He has no family because they're horrifically abusive and narcissistic. My family don't like him and I can't blame them he's been rude to them and isn't looking after their daughter in the way theyd like me looked after and cared for within a relationship. I'm a happy positive person who gets joy out of helping others. He's changing that into guilt and shame. |
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Lud 5:44 AM Sun 6th Dec, 2020 |
I'm furious and deeply irritated by my ex's behavior! I never found explanations for this perverse behavior and I never saw any signs of it in my 2-year relationship. But I don't know why people say that an aspie can be faithful and be true to people, without filters. This is NOT true, as I have experienced only omissions and evasive responses. My ex left me in another country (I moved for him!!), I found out that he had installed a dating app as soon as we were done!!!! He was never interested in people, he was never interested in friends... and after a week of breaking up, he found another woman to talk to while ignoring me at all?! He told me that he wasn't interested in a relationship, that he wanted to talk to someone because of the loneliness he felt, etc. How is that possible? Throughout the relationship I encouraged him to make friends and he made no move. BUT JUST JUST IN THE FINAL, HE DID IT? My head after the breakup is disturbed wondering if I was betrayed by this unconscious idiot. He was unable to do anything right with me, but he had time to think about the concern to install an app and find PEOPLE! My psychologist calmed me by saying that he doesn't really know / don't want a relationship, but that he does it to get the benefits he wants. And apps are easy ways to gain an advantage. @Nadia, I would love your opinion on this because your testimony caught my attention and I agreed with everything that was written. If an Aspie is practically a child, why did he do such a thing as an adult man looking for women?! Does he have any idea what he's doing ?! He was naive most of the time, especially with women and was remarkably masking disinterested by the person himself. This worsened my trauma after the end and I would like to never think about this wickedness again! |
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Anonymous 5:44 AM Sun 6th Dec, 2020 |
Hello, I have recently found this website and it has brought me a great deal of comfort to know that I am not the only one feeling this way. Im stuck in limbo, damned if i do damned if i don't. I will try to explain although its such a long and complex story i find it hard to articulate. I have currently been separated from my partner for 5 months- this is not the first time we have separated and got back together, the last time i lost myself in depression, anxiety and a complete loss of self, however we ended up back together as we always do. I think of our relationship in 3 stages and i have often confused his actions for outright narcissism. The first stage (when we first got together) he idealised me... for a month showered me with gifts, but at the smallest infraction usually the fact i was having an off day or i wasn't energetic or happy enough or if i dared to criticse him he would rage at me, i made the decision to leave and i rebuilt my life. However, something was always missing, i felt flat, i missed the good things his child like enthusiasm, the funny dances he would do to cheer me up, it sounds silly but those things brought me great joy. I romanticised that we could just have the good times. I have always been so confused how he can be so perfect but also so horrible at the flip of a switch. He promised to change, and i believed him, he did change for a while however old habits crept back in, his controlling nature, picking a fight over the small things, we would always reach an ultimatum where i would say please fix this or i have to leave before i loose myself again, he would promise he would, promises he could never keep. So true to my word i left. However here i am in stage 3- he has reached out to me after a diagnosis of Aspergers and shown me proof of therapy, he says he has all the tools to help me now and he promises he wont ever let me down again, he says he loves me and he wouldn't go to all this trouble to get me back if he didn't mean it, hes promising me the world i just dont know if i can believe it. I want to believe it, i really do, because we have done so much together traveled the world, and i have had the best conversations with him, a connection i havent had with anyone else. Sorry for the monologue, im just so lost follow my head or my heart. Can he really change, or is it that he wants to change but he doesnt really know how? I feel as though its the boy who cried wolf, hes made promises one to many times and never carried through with them. But without him in my life, i feel flat and empty, i miss the good things. I want to know if he really can change the bad traits, his co dependency to me , his inability to understand how i feel. He says he knows how now but i just dont know anymore. If anyone has any words of wisdom it would be much appreciated. I cant speak to my friends of family they dont approve of him anymore . Thankyou. |
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M 1:04 AM Sun 6th Dec, 2020 |
@Paul Your testimonial really resonated with me, it was like reading a message from my future self for I am in the same situation and often feel like I can't leave due to our financial situation. I often wonder if it is wise to leave even though I desperately want to, there are still things I am afraid to lose. I have lost most of my loved one early in life and it often feels like him and his family are the only family I have. I often ask myself if leaving this boring, disatisfying but stable life would do more harm than good, as I am afraid being alone will only make me more depressed. Reading this made me realise that I need to find a way to leave while there is still time and that I can have a better life away from this soul-sucking dead end relationship. And I believe you still can too. There's no required age to start a new chapter in life. |
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Nadia 11:59 PM Sat 5th Dec, 2020 |
Lewis, You deserve a standing ovation and our gratitude, for having our backs. Something most of us are woefully unaccustomed to! Thank you for the time and consideration your post took, and the beautiful way you articulated our situations. Peace and love to you, friend. |
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Vicky 8:55 PM Sat 5th Dec, 2020 |
Ludmilla - I am 7 months out of my 21 year relationship and I see growth when I sometimes don’t replay past issues. I also find I smile more often and am learning to enjoy things without considering if he is ok. The freedom of not being around his blah energy makes me remember how nice things can actually be when not trying to lift up someone else. I also started training myself to be aware if I started to think of him to stop and it has been working. I also pray and meditate daily to focus on me and it has been so peaceful. I hope you celebrate the small victories when you are enjoying a nice cup of tea, sunny day, etc without obsessing on a difficult relationship you had. |
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Mouse 4:50 PM Sat 5th Dec, 2020 |
Not sure there really is and 'end' to the healing process, and think everybodys way to healing is different. I started to feel better, when my anxiety let go, bc i realized what triggered it (before knowing about ASD). My anxiety was triggered by discussing anything emotional with my close relation with ASD, so i made a rule for myself, simply not to do that. I had no idea why it worked, but it did. I couldn't completely avoid him, so emotionally detaching was the only way. Whenever i discussed something emotional with him, it would all be my fault, and his view on things would be so far from my reality it would make my head spin and leave me in a restless state of unproductive apathy. Also i stopped wondering about his reasons for doing and saying things that i couldn't make sense of. I accepted that he would propably always 'surprise' me in some way, and decided to stop feeling surprised about it. If he said og did something that called for a strong emotional response (good or bad), i trained myself to respond with as little emotion as possible. Its not easy, but its possible to get it into ur spine over a couple of years. So, when dealing with him i never allow myself to even consider if he could be right about some of he's complaints, bc it simply takes to much time and energy to figure out. Im not gonna spend my life trying to figure out if he might be right about somethings sometimes. With other people in my life, i try to apply 'normal' rules for interacting, but when dealing with him, its a practical solution, to simply not think about whether he could be right. I used to spend so much time and energy doing that, that i couldn't do much else. So try to stop doing that, it will simply take time and energy from u, that u can spend in a possibly much more rewarding way. After cutting him out like that, my depression also started to let go, and i started to be able to feel 'normal' feelings again. This might sound like i was a strong person, but i really wasn't. I was a nervous wreck, and doing this, was the only way i could keep up with my daily chores. I'm still in a mild but constant state of panic from time to time, but have found ways to relax myself (chemical free...). I will probably never 'get back' to who i 'used to be'. And i no longer see that as my end goal. I have learned things, and know things i could not have known, if this had not happened in my life. And i'm okay with that. My life still isn't easy, but it makes sense again. And after years of feeling like nothing made sense, thats a feeling i really appreciate. But it did take years, and a lot of hard work. U do end up traumatized after these relationsships, and i believe there's a physical and a mental side to that. Ur nervous system has to recover, which might take a lot of time and patience... and when ur actually able to think straight again, u can do the mental work that can help u make sense of the experience. But it is possible to be happy about life again, and i believe SALVE is the cure. Whenever i feel someone saying something that makes me feel like my situation is understood and validated by someone else, i feel my body relaxing and my head clearing up. It might just be a very short sentence from someone, just feeling understood, makes a huge difference. Feeling understood really is a very basic human need. If not enything else, living without it, has made me realize the importance of it. I feel the effect of being understood, just in a short sentence, physically. So, lets grow understanding, maybe even for ASD people, once the anger has let go enough, so a conversation with one of them, won't awake the need to simply throw in a good punch...!:-O I'm sure they don't know what they r doing, cause they don't get the emotions we feel... but, i'm also sure, some feel 'superior', and think less of normal people. I try to remind myself, they don't really know better, and might need to feel superior to function... like toddlers... Anyway, in my experience, theres no 'magic pill' to healing, its hard work.. but its possible! Gratitude to everybody who shares there views and stories here!<3 |
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Idem 3:23 PM Sat 5th Dec, 2020 |
Lewis@ - You hit the nail on the head. I agree with everything you have written. You are right, there is some kind of twisted political correctness that deny to admit that there is something fundamentally wrong and 'irreparable' about Aspies. I guess it is caused by fear not to be accused of discrimination? I have also noticed that between 3 the most common psychological disorders: psychopaty, narcissism and HFA, there is general perception in the Society that first 2 are 'bad' but HFA are ok just not well adjusted so we should adjust ourselves to their needs. For me all 3 of them are quite toxic in similar level when in relation with NT person. |
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IHaveFinallyLeft 11:11 AM Sat 5th Dec, 2020 |
I've posted here under a few aliases as I want to keep my identity confidential. 2 weeks ago I decided to break up with my partner. I had imagined that if I were to stay any longer in this partnership I would become a shadow or an empty case. Only around to be there for my partner. What had I gained in this relationship? Suicidal ideations, disruption to my studies and decline in my physical and mental health. I am a young, 26-year-old woman with her whole life ahead of her. My family warned me of my partner, they didn't like him at all. Today we said our final good-bye. I asked him if he has thought further about getting tested for ASD. His psychologist floated it by him that he has ASD. He never followed through with an assessment even though his scoring was high for it. Even though the closest person to him (me) had experienced an upbringing with an undiagnosed father of ASD. I know what it looks like, sadly I know how lonely it feels. He said he had not given in one thought to get assessed (this was the reason for our split). How could someone who loves you ignore your plea. I want him to get assessed for his own future his workplace, future relationships. He asked me "Can't you get validation somewhere else" - as though my concern for his undiagnosed ASD was me trying to validate my childhood experience. I've had extensive years of therapy and an amazing cherished relationship with my father, and he still assumed I'm projecting. "What about if you're projecting". I've told him I am encouraging him to get this assessment for his own benefit, out of care and love. This final conversation only happened a few hours ago, it wasn't emotional, I don't have any emotion left for this relationship. And even though it was recent, I have trouble re-calling what was said and what I said. I think this is another symptom of being with someone with ASD, they gaslight you and are repetitive so confusion sets in when you attempt recollection. I am ready to reclaim myself, I am loveable and so loved by my family and friends. I didn't want to be like my mum who stayed with my abused ASD father for 19 years. Gosh, I almost feel like I've gone back in time and I'm my mother. Good-bye old me who thought she deserved to be treated like this, little connection, only cognitive empathy. Please, even if you have been with your partner for a long time, leave. This is your sign. Leave. Sending you all love, thankyou for encouraging me to leave. I come to this website every day to find validation and similar experience, looking forward to the days when I can self-validate that my experience happened and I'm not crazy. XX |
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Ludmilla 8:10 AM Sat 5th Dec, 2020 |
I have a question for people who have come out of a relationship with an Aspie and who "overcame" much of the trauma of living with them. Recovery is slow and detox seems to be just over the years... What are the signs that you slowly noticed the improvement and healing taking place? At what point did you feel freeing yourself from that past relationship? My foot is still in the mud almost a year later, but sometimes I go forward and sometimes I go back two steps... It's so confusing and exhausting. I'd love the positive view on the end as well. Thank you very much, dear friends. :* |
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Crushed 2:51 AM Sat 5th Dec, 2020 |
@howdidinotseeit: THIS! Stuck in a tragedy. Couldn't have said it better myself. Long time reader, first time writer. But I had to react to this. Working hard to get out but so difficult. But I am go I no to get there in no small part to the support I have found here. With gratitude and well wishes to you all. |
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Lewis 12:06 AM Sat 5th Dec, 2020 |
@Charlotte, I’ve been reading testimonials from this site for a long time now and I have never written anything until now. I come here to get real information from people who actually have to live with “aspies,” as virtually no other site will allow them to voice their painful experiences due to some twisted form of political correctness in the psychology world. In my opinion, these people are the true experts and “professionals,” not some psychologist who only studies the disorder at work, then goes home to their normal lives. These people live with aspies 24/7, and should never be questioned about their individual traumas. The last thing they need is to be cross-examined by yet another aspie. People here need understanding, empathy, reassurance, and compassion; something that aspies can’t provide adequately enough for a normal relationship. Psychology Today, does not provide a significant amount of understanding for the tribulations of those suffering because of aspie parters; they provide merely clinical explanations of the disorder, and how these poor people must bend over backwards—even further—to meet the needs of the aspie partner. Unfortunately, your letter is what’s expected from a person with aspergers. Why is it that just one website cannot exist if it speaks negatively about your condition? All sources must only reflect your beliefs about “the truth?” You also unintentionally insulted some people here (I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt), telling them to seek “professional” direction from “experts” who supposedly know more about their heartbreak than they know themselves. If you’ve spent enough time here, you’ll find many have went to “experts” in the past, only to be told to essentially “suck it up,” or to cater to the needs of the aspie partner even more. As far as curiosity, you speak as if these folks have a twisted view of the situation, further insulting them by giving the impression that some of them are imagining their problems, or even you doubting that the perpetrators are even on the spectrum at all. Importantly, this site is nothing but “straight from the horses mouth,” not from an aspie standpoint, but from a normal one—something aspies are not used to because they generally have it their way almost always. Frankly, I’m tired of the patronizing attitude of aspies; the idea that at any moment in time they’re the most “intelligent person in the room.” Or, the belief that emotions are a sign of weakness, only because their “superior intellect” can’t understand normal cognition. In your defense, I will concede that these problems are more concentrated in males than in females, so maybe even you don’t understand the problem if you haven’t been with an aspie man, and most especially because you’re not a NT. Aspies are outstanding when it comes to their particular specialties and interests, because they become completely consumed with them to the point of obsession. All that is being said here is that aspies almost always make a poor partner for a NT—nothing else. “Professionals” won’t make this “assumption” as it would possibly hurt the feelings of someone on the spectrum; then, leave it to NTs to deal with the problems of aspie relationships even if it destroys the lives of those “neurotypicals.” It’s truly irresponsible and uncaring. Really, would you go to a historian for the truth about an event, or to a primary source? You can interview a primary source and make your own conclusions, rather than having the facts filtered through a possibly biased professor. We don’t ask historians about the horrors of war, we ask the the soldiers—the people on this site are the warriors in the NT/aspie world—and they don’t need to have their message degraded by people who question their experiences. They are here to help others and to help themselves; as aspies get most of the help and attention they need, while those who live with them suffer with little or no resources. Please do these folks a favor and let them have their space to express their troubles. Aspies make up approximately 0.5% of the population, yet they consistently feel like the normal 99.5% are either too emotional, and/or not intelligent enough to understand why aspies are always right, and NTs always wrong—that’s sarcasm. And while I’m on the subject, I find the term Neurotypical to be a bit condescending. There’s nothing typical about any of the people here except for the pain they all have encountered and endured. Each person here is as unique and special as you are Charlotte; all varying in their degrees of emotion, creativity, and intelligence. No one is “typical,” and no one deserves to be dismissed by a “professional psychologist” because they can’t deal with an extremely abnormal relationship. |
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HowdidInotseeit 12:11 PM Fri 4th Dec, 2020 |
Grateful to have found this. I never thought I'd see so many others sharing similar experiences and feelings. Extremely validating and needed, thank you all. I am 35, been married 9 years after 7 years engaged. I find myself wondering why I have put up with it all for so long and I can now recognize it was my own ignorance and fear, but now unable to leave due to finances and fear. So much work to be done and I'm so tired. Worried about the prospect of ever having children, had wanted to have already started trying but surrounded by doubt since I found out that it isn't something that will ever change to meet my needs let alone a child's. I drove myself crazy verbally articulating what was happening as it was happening for years until I found that what I was describing and attempting to explain actually had definitions! I've experienced so many ego deaths and grief cycles, the fact that it is never intentional doesn't change the impact. I'm exhausted, unhappy, unfulfilled and like many here have become isolated, anxious and depressed. It crushed my soul when I found out about aspergers. I had been vocal the entire time about my expectations, the importance of honesty and my disdain for deception when here I was so easily deceived for YEARS. So many lies by omission, masking. I feel robbed. The circular arguments never brought solutions though he does apologize after less grief now after YEARS, but actions don't change (if they do it's temporary) and words just aren't there. I feel stuck in a tragedy. My family hasn't been well for a long time. Narc parents, sister w bpd who went undiagnosed 32 years. I only have superficial relations w inlaws and whenever there's an obligation I feel like I'm forced into acting/lying (which I HATE!) So there's usually dread and anxiety and every symptom of Cassandra's phenomenon. He is a good man, but I didn't marry with the understanding of being a caretaker and having more misery than joy to look back on. Praying for courage to leave. |
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Michelle 9:08 AM Fri 4th Dec, 2020 |
Whenever I feel like I’m loosing my mind I come back to this sight for reassurance. My undiagnosed Aspie.... I’m not sure he is an aspie or just a huge selfish jerk or maybe one in the same. I went to a special Thearpist for over a year to be able to deal with my boyfriend. He is noncommittal except to say he is there which makes him obviously committed. That doesn’t make a lot of sense because anyone can stick around a situation when it’s advantageous to them finically. He NEVER touches me except for sex about every 10 days. Always in the afternoon. He is nice lover and very affectionate durning sex then he turns it off completely. When we are don’t he gets dressed and walks out of the room. Never any pillow talk. He is critical of me in a very cutting way. Cant give a compliment... he says compliments are just people manipulating amd that no compliments are real . Well, mine are! He doesn’t pick up a finger at home. He moved in with me and calls My home “ the place.” Because he says he’s not totally comfortable there. He has days when he hardly talks to me amd says the silence is him trying to relax but he gets a phone call and talks up a storm being Mr Awesome. I feel so angry with him sometimes I want to punch him in the stomach so he can see how it feels to have the wind knocked out of you.... I wonder if he has aspergers.... he has many of the signs but he is really social and charming too. Only one melt down in 4 years.... |
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Paul 7:54 AM Fri 4th Dec, 2020 |
Hi Nadia. Thank you so much for giving me your time and consideration. Your words and thoughts mean a great deal to me. Yes, it is time to put myself first which I aim to do. I don’t expect it to be easy but once I’m on the right path again, I won’t be looking back. I listened to one of Dr Carter’s clips and everything he said hit home. Thanks again . |
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Laurie 5:40 AM Fri 4th Dec, 2020 |
Nadia you rock! |
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Nadia 12:53 AM Fri 4th Dec, 2020 |
Paul, I'm concerned about the emotional pain you are experiencing. I feel I have experienced passive suicide ideation, which is lack of caring about one's life, but no active thoughts of actually committing the act of suicide. The issue is that we don't want to cross that line when there is another way to bring hope and peace back into our lives. I get you are between a rock and a hard place. I hear you, believe me. Many people can't see a resolution due to finances, children, businesses, etc. But,there is a solution and it's been with you this whole time. You are the solution, Paul. Even if you can't leave, you have the ability to take your power back and live your own truth. I didn't leave my husband immediately, but I did disengage emotionally from him. I put myself first, did a lot of self care, stopped using cognitive dissonance to keep me stuck living his life and his agenda. Realized my intrinsic worth and value. You have intrinsic value and worth Paul. There is not one person on this earth worth more than you. Think of your loved ones that have passed, that you mentioned. They want to see you honor that life you were blessed to have. If you can reach out to a professional to sort this out, please find one that has experience in trauma, because that is what it sounds like you have experienced. Most of the beautiful souls on this forum have C-PTSD, or complex post traumatic syndrome disorder. It's also referred to as OTRS, or Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome. We experienced, and some still are, such as yourself, cycles of abuse. With some tools, you can feel healthier and live a better life. Yes, even if you stay. The knowledge of everything you are experiencing will be the catalyst for taking your life back. I was so drained after decades of living like this that I remember hoping that God would take me in my sleep. I never had plans to take my own life, but that's not to say that I never would have. When I think about those dark thoughts now, I can't believe how different I feel today. That was another person. Now, I just want to live and soak up any and all joy I can experience. It's all inside of you Paul. You are stronger than you know. Tap into that strength. There's a beautiful, kind, compassionate doctor on YouTube that focuses on narcissistic abuse, named Dr. Les Carter. He has helped me like no therapist ever could. Regardless of what others think regarding ASD vs NPD, I see narcissistic abuse in these relationships. At any rate, it's toxic, and that's what Dr. Carter addresses. His style will comfort you, friend. |
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Paul 7:28 AM Thu 3rd Dec, 2020 |
I’m so tired...so very tired and worn out. I’ve been with my partner 20 years now. We are both 60 and no longer working. Looking back , I can’t recall a day of fun or enjoyment. Now, all I think about is him. At night in bed, I reflect on the past day and think about what lies ahead the next day. The meltdowns, the tantrums , the tears, the veiled threats have all happened over the years. All mainly to get his own way. My thoughts , opinions and wishes are all an inconvenient annoyance to him in achieving what HE wants....and must have..yes...MUST have. It’s like a battle which he has to win at all costs . He will not give in. When I first met his mother, she advised me that I must not let him have his way all the time. I have failed on that task. I’m forced to give in from his actions, mood, temperament, silences and tears. Now I feel he will put me into an early grave. I have health issues...maybe brought on from the stresses of living with him...but that might be unfair of me to blame him...who knows ? The other day, I attempted some DIY, and needed a couple of minutes of his time to help me. He snapped my head off. I wasn’t the only one being busy...he was busy too...as he sat there looking at his phone. Later, he attempted an apology saying I caught him at a bad time.. ..I enquired, ‘ what bad time ?’. He said he was having trouble leaving an online review of a product he bought which did not work. He doesn’t like it when I do things he cannot do such as DIY or decorating. He becomes very moody and finds excuses to go out. I know the only way for me to get any peace and relaxation is to leave him. But there is no easy way out, especially financially. I pray most nights that I can leave this world soon and be reunited with the family I have lost. I say to them up above.....’ See how he is ?....See how he treats me?... I hope that they do see it now.....no one alive apart from me knows just how impossible he can be. I’m between a rock and a hard place. |
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Alex 10:07 PM Wed 2nd Dec, 2020 |
Thanks @David. I really appreciate yours words. You are talking about yourself and your experience, but I could subscribe every word you say. That’s exactly me and what happened to me. So its extremely helpful to know that others have been along the same road and have the chance to mirror myself, thanks for being so honest and clear. I’m sure that there are also other men in this situation that will also appreciate this (and women, as I believe that being gay is also quite common for asp people). As you say I also think that aspie women are quite more common, but their masking is just amazing. But also agree on the fact that at the end is a matter of self-respect, it doesn’t matter the label, at least in terms of a relationship. There are behaviours acceptable and other that are not acceptable, because the damage is the same and its real. And I don’t want that for me anymore, I want to be respected the same I respect others. I also know that I crossed some limits that I shouldn’t and offered what I was not asked for, I’m working to set my boundaries. I can only thank you and the others that share their experiences here, I never thought it could be so helpful to feel recognized and understood. And yes, in fact it is slowly getting better. Despite being still hurt, my life is a much better place now. I hope this experience will help me not to lose my sense of self again. And I really hope that I never again feel the levels of anxiety that I suffered with it. |
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Miel 9:30 PM Wed 2nd Dec, 2020 |
@Charlotte It’s important to note that ASD men manifest it so differently than ASD women, the two almost can’t be compared. ASD women suffer far fewer emotional deficits. Their condition is frequently misdiagnosed as ADD, or never diagnosed at all because women mask so expertly. Sadly, the ability to care (about yourself, your pets etc) does not mean one can genuinely care for others. Without the ability to empathize with others or intuit their feelings, there can be only surface caring. A robot can also care, up to a point. |
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Nadia 8:21 PM Wed 2nd Dec, 2020 |
Charlotte, You sound like a lovely person, and I understand the need to explain certain aspects you don't agree with. I also agree completely that members continue educating themselves about this disorder, and also continue to talk with others going through similar experiences. The one thing I have trouble with is "going straight to the horse's mouth" for this information. Whether one agrees or not that the ASD person lacks empathy, I believe it's accepted that this disorder lacks "theory of mind", "mindblindness", as you yourself stated when you said, "unable to understand people and their needs". The effect of that alone leaves a NT person dealing with a narcissistic style. It's very damaging to our self-esteem and emotional wellbeing. Some of these testimonials absolutely contain co-existing conditions. In my case, I was just dealing with HFA. No physical, verbal, or financial abuse. Just inability to meet my most basic needs of reciprocity, empathy, validation of being seen and heard. I've been in therapy off and on for decades, and was never diagnosed with anything but anxiety, which turned out to be related to the effects of being married to a person with HFA. I lost all joy, and basically the will to continue, until I finally was told by a therapist recently that maybe the problem wasn't me, but the person I was married to. Decades of going through life with someone who couldn't see me, hear me, due to a neurological and developmental disorder that can be masked very well. If people with ASD do have empathy, but just are unable to "recognize when it is needed", then why, when told directly, that they have hurt someone, can't they show it then? It's my experience, and I believe others who live in similar situations with ASD, that it's because they don't have the ability to feel empathy due to their lack of "theory of mind". As I stated previously, maybe some can learn "Cognitive Empathy", and respond in kind, but the emotion will not be there. It doesn't feel genuine and we as NT's sense that. NT and AS relationships are not a good fit for the NT. I say for the NT because it is not a good fit for them, but for the AS person, it seems to work just fine. As empathetic people, we practically kill ourselves trying to accommodate and keep things flowing nicely for them, while also taking care of others, and everything else. My own husband who was recently diagnosed HFA, didn't see a thing wrong with our relationship. I cried nearly every evening while he slept beside me. It's important to state that we cannot get educated and/or talk with a person who has ASD, simply because there is no ability to understand and/or have insight into our experiences. I was traumatized by my relationship, and never had a hand raised to me. Abuse has many definitions, and to be neglected emotionally by the one person who is supposed to love and take care of you unconditionally, fits under the label of abuse. As always, I wish the members here, clarity, wisdom, and courage, to see their own worth, and know that they matter. |
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Flávia 7:59 AM Wed 2nd Dec, 2020 |
I'm so exhausted from going over the story in my head, at the level of madness that this story meant. I never imagined that at the age of 29 I'd violently encounter such a sick story, being the protagonist of my own pain. I'm so demolished, physically disfigured, upset in my own thoughts and tiny in front of myself... I just wish this mental madness would come to an end. Why doesn't this end and I don't recover? This path is so hard and I feel my foot still in the mud, wanting to escape with all my strength. But the feet just don't come out! I understand the syndrome, I understand where I abandoned myself. I understand mentally, but I don't absorb and I don't swallow. We broke up 6 months ago and haven't spoken for 2 months, but still... With therapy, with a lot of self-care, with personal time and projects, I feel the past getting drunk. He left me with a million mental mazes, he made me really terrified of our own history and new people. He made me become insecure and suspicious of obscure pathologies in people. I look at the details of the behaviors and think that everything is a trap. I run and avoid. He hurt my tolerance and empathy, he fed on my vital energy and left! I know that this is turning into self-knowledge and wisdom about the next relationships... I know that it taught me how to never let someone else step on my head when I was a rug. But I'm simply E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D to go over this whole story. When does this hell end?!! |
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maggie 7:49 AM Wed 2nd Dec, 2020 |
This is for Anon123-he will NEVER understand why or how his behaviour affects you and your children, try as you may to explain it to him. To understand requires empathy and Aspergers has no empathy, it is missing in the brain wiring ( not their fault, it just is)I understand this completely having been married many years to my Asperger husband and have tried until I turned myself inside out and upside down and depleted myself of all energy to the point of burnout, then I learned about Aspergers and mind blindness and lack of empathy.......so I STOPPED trying. This is a "profound disability" to quote Dr Kathy Marshack who has extensive understanding and knowledge of AS. I understand that inside you are dying, it happened to me too. You mention your daughter's light is dimming and she seems cautious about what she does--this is what we partners often end up doing, it's walking on eggshells, and it's so wrong, and to observe this developing in a child is heartbreaking, I had to help my children with this also. |
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maggie 7:23 AM Wed 2nd Dec, 2020 |
Nadia, your comment about Emotional Intelligence in these relationships is timely and powerful for me. We are indeed dealing with children, and the fact that these relationships consist of one adult and one child in these terms reinforces my understanding. Thank you for sharing your insights. |
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Charlotte 12:26 AM Wed 2nd Dec, 2020 |
@Lisa Hey there. I'm not a professional so I can't tell you the most reliable info about Asperger's, but I do have it. The difference is that that one is a personality type which in my personal opinion is somewhat arbitrary. The other is a deep-rooted neurological thing that will also cause things like sensory issues and special interests. We absolutely can be caring just like anyone else. People with Asperger's don't have trouble caring about people; we just lack some social skills and don't understand people or their needs that well. Some of the things claimed by this website about Asperger's (ex: no empathy, manipulative to other people) I don't see reflected in professional sources and many of the testimonials seem to be about Aspies that also have other issues or people who don't seem to have Asperger's at all. I don't mean this to try and invalidate anyone's experiences and I genuinely sympathize with anyone that has dealt with toxic or abusive people. Really, if you're curious about Asperger's, I'd recommend you look at Psychology Today for basic info or to learn about autism in general straight from the horse's mouth, look at the tag #actuallyautistic on social media. Good luck with your relationship. |
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Anon123 7:58 PM Tue 1st Dec, 2020 |
@lisa I definitely think aspies can be kind and thoughtful. I think my husband is thoughtful/shows concern for my wellbeing etc most times. Sometimes it comes naturally and other times he's rigid and comes off very awkwardly that I just push him away/ reject his thoughtfulness. It's odd for me, I know that he is on the spectrum, yet I expect him to behave as a NT. I'd love to hear others experience on this aswell. My husband is quite the *masker* he is able to play the game well and most times I forget he isnt a NT adult. Then he does or says something so bizarre and un-adult like and it crushes me because I was tricked into this marriage and now I have to live with it... |
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David 7:44 PM Tue 1st Dec, 2020 |
@Lisa- I am INTJ according to the Myers-Briggs criteria. I will leave it up to you to read my posts here and come to your own conclusions regarding whether I am an aspie. You see, I believe that these diagnostic and personality trait "buckets" label people unfairly and oftentimes inaccurately, which is why I've concluded that we shouldn't even try to diagnose Aspergers in a given individual. Not even mental health "professionals" can do it accurately. It only matters to me that someone treats me in a caring, respectful, and empathetic manner, and that my emotional energy in a relationship is reciprocated. That's it. If they do not, it doesn't matter to me what the reason is, whether it's Aspergers, narcissism, borderline personality disorder, or an NT who is just not a good fit for me. It only matters that I recognize a bad fit when I see it, and that I move on before wasting my energy on someone who doesn't appreciate me. I have broadened my view of relationships to recognize that, aspie or not, there are certain traits that are bad for me in a partner, and I have enough self-respect to not tolerate them anymore. Lack of empathy and lack of reciprocity are deal breakers, no matter what the cause. Having dealt with an aspie woman was important for my personal growth, only because it demonstrated the extreme end of behaviors that I never want to invite into my life again (regardless of the diagnostic label). If she never told me she had Aspergers, I would have gone through the same process of pain, confusion, and then self-improvement. So it's not about labels (Myers-Briggs or otherwise). It's about the behavior that one directly observes in their partner that should inform one's decisions. |
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Lisa 6:28 PM Tue 1st Dec, 2020 |
Hi guys, Wondering if anyone can tell me the difference between someone who has Aspergers and someone who is a Neurotypical but has a Myer Briggs Thinker personality where they use thinking more than feelings. E.g, an INTJ..... Could you give real life examples of Mind blindness and Lack of Theory of Mind of an Apergers as compared to a Thinker Neurotypical Person. I am trying to understand these concepts..... I am dating some one who I think may have Aspergers but he is a thinker personality and is genuinely caring/chivalrous(Makes sure I am warm, that I have eaten well etc) and kind at the same time. Can Aspies be caring people too?. Thanks |
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Idem 6:24 PM Tue 1st Dec, 2020 |
David@ - I thought what you said about lack of respect. Aspies are robotic they can only copy and mimic NT people and I don't think they quite understand respect. Just as I wrote before about my awful experience of working with Aspie people. It is different than personal relations but the team was small and all was very intensive in this Company it affected me quite badly. I thought about this high unpleasant woman there... if she saw someone as strong character she run around them like little submissive puppy but if she found someone weaker she behaved like aggressive bully. Plain awful.I don't think they know how to relate to other people in respectful and equal manners. I oslo think that lots off them feel superior to us as we have feelings, emotion they have only logic so in their eyes we are weaker as 'humans'. |
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Anon123 2:50 PM Tue 1st Dec, 2020 |
Today he decided to call me at work, because he needed me to do paperwork that he could never do. I answered and his tone was rude, no apologies, nothing. Just asked if I could do his paperwork for him. He cant live without help. Theres no way he could survive on his own without the assistance of someone. I wish I could drop him and watch him suffer the same way he has controlled and made me suffer. To top things off my period is late and I cant deal to have another child with this psycho. Even though I'm so desperate for another angel. I honestly considered myself to be too smart to fall into this hell I've gotten myself into. How did I rush into marriage and kids with someone that was acting, now there's no turning back. Hes adamant to buy the house that he wants and expects me to agree, God forbid I reject his choice. I would literally give up all the riches of the world to have my old life back. I guess we never know what we had until it's gone. My biggest concern is my children ever being affected by his ways. My dream is for them to thrive and find happiness like I never did. I'm literally tearing up as I type this as I feel like this will be my emotions for the rest of my life. |
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David 6:20 AM Tue 1st Dec, 2020 |
@Alex- I cannot give you much direct advice since everyone's situation is different, but your pain is so palpable that I would like to share with you how I handled an almost identical situation (that I've written about here a while ago). Before I do that, I would like to say that men often love very deeply and unconditionally- we are stupid in that way, myself included. I used to fall in love too quickly with a woman, making assumptions about her that were based upon my fantasies as opposed to reality. That is what happened in my short relationship with an aspie woman (and I believe that aspie women are quite common, but they hide it well, and men are often embarrassed to share their experiences about them). She told me everything I wanted to hear- unbelievable love bombing, cute and innocent "quirks" that could only be described as charming, and I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. When I found out about her Asperger's, the co-dependent part of me wanted to feel wanted and needed by her- I wanted to help her, understand her, help her realize that someone else in this world (me) understood her. That kind of co-dependency stems from my being in the health care profession, which is by definition a selfless and giving calling, but I lost a sense of my own boundaries with her. I didn't realize at the time that she didn't really want my understanding or compassion, and that she was simply playing out a finely tuned script- a robotic act without feeling. I was her focus of attention, her special interest, but once that time passed, it was like she flipped a switch. Almost without warning, making me question what I did wrong, without closure and without an ability to understand what had happened. Someone important to me, or who I thought was important to me, pulled the rug out from under me without her caring how it affected me. She knew I was in pain but she didn't care. I was on my own to figure it out. Without closure, I kept on thinking about her every day, reaching out to her for a chance to talk, to reconcile, to come to an understanding, only to be met with silence. In retrospect, meeting someone like her was a very important part of my personal growth. It make me realize how much I was dependent upon external validation from others who are not in a position to give it, and when I shouldn't have needed it in the first place. I'm very accomplished and have helped a lot of people in my life, and when I finally realized that no one should treat me like this (or anyone else for that matter), it gave me a good solid kick in the pants. But it took me over a year to figure it out. My own switch was turned off at that very moment- I stopped obsessing about her because, quite frankly, she treated me in a very disrespectful manner, and I should think better of myself than to accept that kind of behavior from anyone. So I moved on- not because she was an aspie (and somehow we're supposed to be understanding of their behavior), but because I don't accept that kind of behavior from anyone now, regardless of the underlying cause. Not an aspie, not a narcissist, not someone with BPD, and not an NT. No one. My life is worth more than obsessing over someone who used me as a new shiny toy for a brief moment of time, as her new special interest, until something shinier entered her life. It's her loss, not mine, and it's your girlfriend's loss too. I can tell that you're a very introspective and caring person- she doesn't deserve someone like you, and frankly she doesn't want someone like you (sorry to say). You represent everything that she is not, and that she is incapable of being. Read that again and let it sink in. Recalibrate the way that you feel about yourself, realize that she didn't treat you right, but it's her problem, not yours. Be civil at work, smile, say hello, and just move on, self confident in the knowledge that you don't want someone like that in your life. You dodged a major bullet. It's hard to accept at the moment, but I promise that it will get better. |
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Anon123 5:15 AM Tue 1st Dec, 2020 |
It's been day 3 now and he hasn't spoken to me. Goes about huffing in the house when he gets back from work. I cant stand the creature. If you have an issue just talk it out. He is capable of that, so I will not expect anything less. I am always the one that has to approach him and it has drained every bit of my emotional and mental state. With each day I cant stand him. This is basically a diary and release for me sharing this. I want to leave so badly but he has threatened to take the kids away as he is fully aware I have anxiety, heightened by him!!! But he only knows the anxious me as I'm literally walking on egg shells for the past 8.5 years with him. I wish I could turn back time, i dream about being free every single day of my life. I envy the couples I see walking and talking, being friends. I detest going out with him and try to avoid going to social events with him, hes embarrassing and controlling. I have not confided in anybody so this site has been a form of relief of me, knowing I am not alone and also a place I'm able to share my emotions and thoughts whether it's being read or not. I hope for better days. One day. |
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Alex 11:45 PM Mon 30th Nov, 2020 |
Hi! I have been writing here these last months just to empty my soul of all this pain and anxiety i have been suffering during the last year. And also, to leave a testimony of what it is to be with an ASP person, probably with BPD traits in my case. Now I’m in a process of recovering, going to therapy to understand what happened and how I went so far with a relationship that was damaging me so clearly. Many months have passed since she left me, and while she is still in my head, I can say I’m no longer in love. I’m still hurt but not in love. She has moved from my heart to my stomach. How can I love someone who treats me like a piece of wood? Just managing strange emotions I feel when I have to meet her for work. She really feels no-thing for me, total coldness and indifference. She asks me how I am in a total impersonal way, it’s a mechanical act, to ask me how I am when we have to talk to be because of work. But no real interest in how I am, never had the chance to go one day for a walk, a talk… It makes me sick in my stomach. As always the feeling is about emptiness. In general she doesn’t even have the need to be slightly polite, no care at all, no recognition that I might be hurt... nothing at all. I can’t recognize her, I don’t know who this person is. And I was told not so long ago to be the most important person in her life. It helps me a lot what @Nadia said, to remember that emotionally is not an adult person. And I also recognize what some of you have been saying. I am just beginning to know in a very calmed and slow way a new person, and since its good to know that I can care for someone else and that someone can care about me, I find myself trying to find if she is ASP or has some kind of dark hidden personality. Is amazing how just a few months made such a great impact on me. So please listen, if you are with someone who is ASP, the relationship won’t go any deep or further than it is in the present moment. I hear now how she speaks about her new relationship (no filter); I wish I had known how it was when it was me in there. There is no depth, no willing to evolve, to compromise. There is a great seduction game, but just sometimes, because when it gets too emotional, there is distance and silence. You are a piece of wood. Maybe a charming and wonderful piece of wood to admire, but you don’t truly love a piece of wood. It is hard to hear, but you are not seen or loved. I’m not sure if an ASP can really love someone who is not part of their blood family or a pet, for what I have experienced. It’s amazing how sometimes she is fully aware of when she is hurting someone (or me) or being unfair or selfish. Is not that she doesn’t realize, is that she doesn’t care at all. And I also have the gut feeling that she doesn’t really care who she is with, that she has platonic obsessions and then the real person can be quite random. Not really sure about that but have quite a strong feeling. |
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Help needed!! 2:56 PM Mon 30th Nov, 2020 |
Hi All, so I have been speaking and seeing my ex aspie for several months now and we are all but in a relationship without it being official and his just admitted he doesn’t know if he wants to be with anyone (his said it previously aswell but still wants to keep me in his life because he doesn’t want to lose me) and that he loves me or still has love for me. What do I do?? He says he doesn’t expect me to wait around until his figured his shit out, if he ever does because it’s not fair on me but he just can’t figure out if he wants to be in a relationship or not. Is there anything I can do to help him decide and figure things out ? |
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Jekyl & Hyde! 9:26 AM Mon 30th Nov, 2020 |
Hi All, goodness I experienced my ex fiance who I am still seeing in full aspie mode. So he can't talk about emotions as he doesn't know how to mentally deal with the conversation (and his currently doing an engineering degree so his focused on that)... so I was texting him on Saturday/Sunday how I am currently feeling with everything going on between us and poured my heart out and instead of his usual "I am sorry, I don't mean to make you feel like that" text messages .... the douchebag blocked me! So I was contacting him via email and whatsapp asking wtf did I do (when he ended the engagement he completely shut me out for 2 weeks and was so cold towards so I was like oh crap his doing the same thing). He finally caved in and admitted it was a "temporary thing" as my messages got him angry cause he can't process them properly and it takes him off course with his focus and study and I told him well how about you just tell me to get lost instead of "blocking me" and then he apologized and finally admitted he knows its all frustrating as he can't focus on making us "official" again as his mind is elsewhere with uni and that he does not want me to feel the way I feel at all. Do they seriously just take the easy way out and stonewall you instead of easily saying - please give me space I need to focus. Am I crazy for still "seeing him" and trying to make things worse or could it get better after he finishes uni? |
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Anon123 6:30 AM Mon 30th Nov, 2020 |
I'm married to one, I had absolutely no idea but based it off his lack of english as he grew up in Europe. I'm going to keep details as neutral as possible as I'm not ready to share my experience with anyone I know yet. It's just so difficult, I'm sitting here with a huge knot in my stomach and feel like throwing up. We went house shopping over the weekend and he demanded I accept the 3rd house we viewed literally after browsing it for 5 or so minutes. I had no time to process what I thought of it and all the logistics. He started yelling at me in the car with the kids telling me if I didnt like it, he wasn't going to bother with any more home buying. The truth is, I'm just stumbling in life, I try to live each day as it comes. I have 2 beautiful children and my younger child is asd. My whole family is aware of my husbands autism, but we all keep it on the down low so he is not uncomfortable around us. He has not been diagnosed but his mother has casually mentioned that he isnt like the rest of her children. My husband gets angry when anyone mentions he is slightly different from everyone else. I'm all over the place with my thoughts and this post but I just need an outlet. I'm young and have been married for almost 9 years. I have my whole life in front off me but I feel like death, daily. I used to be so bubbly, happy, outgoing. Now all I feel is angst, sadness, anger and absolute hate for him. I cant stand him. It's so difficult I want to leave this horrible marriage but just feel so suffocated because nobody really understands how I feel and its difficult to describe. In fact nobody knows of my suffering. I've become the worlds best actor, I live like life is grand and I have it all but inside I'm dying. I haven't really spoken to him about his meltdown in the car in front of the kids. He would literally act like he hasn't done anything wrong even if I did. I'm not speaking to him atm, and he is being a total asshole about it and probably has some bizarre scenario in his head about me avoiding him as he always does. The harbldest part is he NEVER understands why or how his behavior impacts me or the kids. My daughter is very bright and a go getter but recently I've noticed her light is dimming and she seems cautious in what she does. No child deserves to feel that way. It breaks me knowing the kids will be affected by this. I'm just so heartbroken. I want out but just dont know how. He is controlling and just a soul drainer.I'm so conscious of what others think which affects me more. |
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Frida 10:10 PM Sun 29th Nov, 2020 |
I'm deeply destroyed and tired of this new and long phase that I am living after breaking with an ASD. I feel that I have changed so much and my thoughts are rarely coordinated by my will. These partners are really able to break down levels of our sanity and our own lives - we never live the same way again and we don't feel present in our own bodies or existence. I know they don't know the impact and they don't suffer in the same situation, but I just hate it all. I read all the testimonials frequently and wonder if they are all brothers of my ex-partner. I try to put myself in their heads in all the situations described even though I know that this is impossible (because I'm EXTREMELY a NT). But a specific question is always spontaneous for me and I'd really like an answer from you: Why do Aspies, after the complete disconnection and breakup of a relationship, return in our lives? Sometimes they can disappear for months or years, without communication or a sign of life. But why do they return? If they don't remember us or don't really consider us, what do they think and why do they act to return in our lives? There isn't real bond or remorse, so what can explain this behavior? |
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Polly 7:15 PM Sun 29th Nov, 2020 |
Linda, thank you so much for your response. It means so much to hear you describe something so similar. Sometimes the problem feels unique, because it is so outside the realms of my other relationships or the relationships my friends have. A 'horrible vicious negative feedback cycle' is exactly how it feels. He thinks I don't care about him/the relationship because I am scared to bring things up, I am scared to bring things up because he thinks I am the problem behind everything and we will not be talking rationally, and round and round we go. Thanks for showing me I'm not alone with this problem. |
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Flá 10:40 PM Sat 28th Nov, 2020 |
Sometimes I have already written on this forum with a story similar to yours, @Utterly Confused. Me and other people experience the same situation as the "relationship without a name" or a lack of definition on the part of the partner Aspie due to pressure or other demands that consume their time. What I can say, in all honesty and after months of trying from personal experience, is that this situation will not evolve to another level. Simply the rigidity that you observe now will remain almost perpetual, regardless of whether you were engaged or not in the past. His conception of relationship isn't and will never be like his concept. I didn't make any progress on this and tried desperately, alternating my behaviors or communication. Nothing worked. And when he was free from our relationship, he just didn't want to make any effort to return. The more freedom they gain, the more of our space they consume. And they walk quickly while you're wearing out to rebuild something they don't see and maybe want to abandon right away. We aren't talking about balance, we're talking about sacrifices in which YOU ARE the sacrifice. We, NT, don't endure for a long time the uncertainty that isn't part of our love repertoire, of the examples we have as relationships. You can try for a while... but we're people used to creating bonds, establishing a future together with the people we love, we genuinely appreciate the company and we don't like to lose people. This isn't the case, of course, for ASD people. Unfortunately, the situation that these ASD partners demand is a complete adaptation of our concept of security and emotional stability, generating extreme anxiety and frustration. I know you don't want to lose all the plans you had for a while with your aspie, mainly because you're engaged. But remember the way he broke up with you (as mine ended up with me): abruptly, regardless of your needs or your existence. A month after the breakup, my ex was walking forward without any grudges. And today I'm rebuilding myself from this abandonment. So, do you want to continue walking in this uncertainty to be discarded again at his first opportunity for despair? Is it part of your future to walk on such an uncertain and scary path? I got rid of this "wait" and understood that I cannot live because of a person who isn't really with me. I need bonds and I need a real connection that gives me value! I'm like this and I don't accept to be treated in "airplane mode". I'm sorry for these people and the syndrome, but I'm even more sorry FOR ME and FOR US. Love isn't love if I have to cancel myself because of the difficulty of the other. Think of yourself, beyond the love you feel. You exist and deserve your emotional conquests. |
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Nadia 8:01 PM Sat 28th Nov, 2020 |
"Utterly Confused", the reason your ex fiance needs down time and self isolation is because he wears a "mask" to hide his true self when interacting in the world. It's exhausting for the person with ASD. When the mask slips, that is when you see the real self. Everything else is disingenuous, fake, not real, a script. What comes naturally to the NT, is anything but, to the disordered ASP. This is a serious neurological and developmental disorder, no matter how high functioning the person with ASD is. Their emotional IQ is stunted anywhere from toddler age to around the age of 10, according to the latest research. Their Intellectual IQ may be normal or even high, but not so with the Emotional Quotient. We are dealing with children. That is another reason marriage counseling will never work. It is geared towards 2 adults in a relationship, and in the NT/AS marriage, there is one adult and one child. Absolutely impossible to have an intimate reciprocal relationship with an adult and a child. It cannot happen. It's very confusing in these relationships and that is one of the biggest reasons. We sense it. We need to listen to our intuition that is warning us. |
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Linda 7:08 PM Sat 28th Nov, 2020 |
Polly - I went through the same dynamic. Nervous and flustered to broach subjects which had led to upset before, which just meant that I was perceived as the one with the problem, more argument, often resulting in his near meltdown and verbal and (once) physical abuse, leaving me shell-shocked and flabbergasted that this man, seemingly so articulate and high functioning in his career - on the phone daily wheeling and dealing with people all over the world - couldn't understand the nuances and mindset of his supposedly significant other. I'd be gaslighted and told what was wrong with me. He had no ability at all to see my perspective. Oh and then a few hours later acting as though nothing had happened! No idea that his words and actions had any lasting effect on me. It was a horrible vicious negative feedback cycle, that killed it for me. I'm in a relationship now where problems get discussed rationally - we can both take the other's perspective and achieve a mutual understanding and find a joint way forward. Just like it should be. The memory of Aspie communication / arguments haunts me still though and I check in here regularly to remind myself of the reality and not succumb to magical thinking! It's not you who needs to change. And they can't. It's a hard-wired cognitive impairment - mind-blindness and empathy dysfunction. |
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Aragorn's Demise75 3:27 AM Sat 28th Nov, 2020 |
"Glad" to see some males on here that I can relate to, to an extent. I'm too afraid to leave any details of what I go through, but needless to say, it is the most challenging thing I have ever faced in my life. |
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Lina 10:44 PM Fri 27th Nov, 2020 |
I'd like to thank, deeply, all the people who wrote me an answer to my comment the day before. This forum has the function of demonstrating that good people exist, especially those who care about our emotional issues. I appreciate you and encourage you to stick with your journeys! Really reading that other people have lived or live the same repulsion of people is something that has allowed me to be more comfortable with myself, especially at this very moment that I no longer recognize who I am. Being with someone in the syndrome changes our social interactions on many levels and also disfigures some of our best characteristics. I remember being so empathetic and open to communicating with new people, so energetic and curious... and these days, I just want to withdraw and hide from integration with them. I no longer have the patience to discover their inner world. I'm afraid that they will hide their psychopathologies from me and that I will be trapped again that I never expected. I don't want to give my life to people anymore. I'm currently in therapy and getting involved in many hobbies, as many of you have suggested. But my energy remains very, veeery low. Can I have been "vampirized" for so long by my partner? How difficult it's to think of true feelings from that point on. I hope to be able to break free from the paranoia that everyone is Aspergers. :( |
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Utterly Confused 6:45 AM Fri 27th Nov, 2020 |
Hi All, I have been seeing my aspie ex fiancé since he ended it abruptly close to 9 months ago, we are pretty much in a relationship but "without the title" as something "mentally" is stopping him from making if official again (his not seeing anyone else and is still loyal I know that).... the wedding scared him and he realized he couldn't continue with his "mask on". He still loves me, wants me in his life (whenever I suggest maybe I should stop talking to him and leave him be his like no I want you in my life don't do that etc).....but something I have just realised is that he needs "quiet days" where he has his ups and downs and just doesn't want to talk/interact with any human and just zones out .... Is this common for people with Aspergers and if so why do they do it? |
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Polly 10:45 PM Thu 26th Nov, 2020 |
I am in such a state of confusion, living with someone who is highly articulate and very focused on talking/arguing but who also seems unable to forgive or understand emotional processes in other people. We often fight about the fact that on occasion, I get flustered, shakey and upset when talking about things that have previously led to arguments. This is proof that I have a problem and am demanding support, not that we communicate in a way that makes me panic. We constantly argue about me avoiding difficult subjects, but I am used to arguments that go on for days and days and leave me emotionally bereft and hating myself. In a very difficult situation for him, I went quiet before comforting, feeling that there was a decent chance I would say the wrong thing, provoking upset. This has caused a massive rift because I was not supportive enough. Sometimes I feel like I am the one who doesn't understand how to behave in relation to other people. I want to change to make it work and can't. |
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putting the pieces together 3:49 PM Thu 26th Nov, 2020 |
@Cat, how I understand, I was raised by a (still) undiagnosed aspie mother... My father died young, and was super empathic and caring but worked extremely long hours - probably to stay out of the house. My brother is textbook ASD and of course mother's pride and joy, despite his weirdness social awkwardness and extreme egotistical selfishness. What I"ve come to realise is that they both tried very hard to make me like them - no hugs, no kisses, bever heard the words "I love you", never talk about feelings. The topics of conversation were current events, my mother's childhood, her family members, and other people and how incapable stupid or inadequate they are. My mother hasnever made a mistake, of course. I was so deeply entrenched in their world and fantasies and narcissism that of course the world was a horrible place for me. I failed, I was hurt and I was heartbroken but didn't have their thick skin, and ability to always blame others for any difficulties. I had feelings, without having ever been taught that it's ok, that it's normal. After becoming a mother, I realised all the love and guidance and caring I didn't get, and everything slowly comes into place. I resented my mother, and sometimes still do, but I now know sge just can't bloody help it. |
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Roisin 5:59 AM Wed 25th Nov, 2020 |
Oh, "stupid girl," my heart bleeds for you, but you are not stupid at all, because you got out of the relationship!! Please stay strong, and stay away, stay away! I haven't posted in a while, but always check in to read the testimonials, and to remind myself of my past, six year relationship, with an aspie, and to never ever "go there" or to a similar place, again. My aspie ex also blindsided me with physical force, throwing a seashell-laced wreath into my face and causing lacerations and some scarring. This was an unprovoked and sudden occurrence. There was virtually no apology, just promises to buy scar cream. I quickly made plans to leave, but it took several months to actually be able to get out. Years later, I couldn't be happier or healthier, even in the midst of this pandemic! Each morning, I breathe a sigh of relief. Please, please, please stay strong - many aspies are capable of inflicting not only emotional but also physical damage. For those of you who are able, my love and compassion -- if you feel that you have had enough, try to muster up the courage and strength to leave, even if it takes a while. May "the force" be with all of us who suffer with, or who have suffered in, relationships with someone with "high functioning" autism. |
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Bridgette Elizabeth 2:19 AM Wed 25th Nov, 2020 |
Hi, Tiffany. I'm kind of in your situation but he was my third husband and I didn't realize his asperger's until I came back to live with him which was after our divorce. We were married for 9 years then my 17 year old daughter, his step-daughter, died. That's when I starting having affairs. That's how I coped with my grief because I had a man who was not only incapable of comforting me but actually asked me rudely what my problem was 2 weeks after her death. I would tell him before this tragedy that if anything ever happened to one of my kids I would no longer be able to tolerate him. I left him a year after when he decided to yell at me after I told him off for giving my other daughter a hard time about something so silly. I had 5 children before we married and we have one together. I really thought he was a good guy taking on me with 5 kids. My daughter died in 2013. I left in 2014. I came back in 2016, another story. I've been asking the same question you are? Our daughter is 15. Can I make it 3 more years? I left her once and she is the glue that is keeping me here. I have told him this so many times. Nothing I say helps. Whether it's loving or stern. My feelings for him have died as far as passion and romance. It's more like roommates. I'm 49 and I'm trying to enjoy my life despite this loveless, sexless relationship. If you ask him he would probably say he's fine with the relationship. It seems though that he doesn't understand and he doesn't care to understand what I have repetitively tried to tell him for years now. I would advise against an affair. You may end up with someone worse. Leave first before you start another relationship. I just hope I have the courage and health and finances to leave when the time comes. Take Care and try to enjoy life despite the relationship. |
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Lily 1:10 AM Wed 25th Nov, 2020 |
Lina...amd everyone else. Remember: rejection breeds obsession. Every testimonial has the same underlying theme that the person who was in a relationship with an AS partner feels REJECTED (rebuffed, ignored etc). When we feel rejected, it consumes us in constant draining brutal rumination. We can’t piece it together. I only recently started feeling better. I work with my AS(S) ex so I still have moments where I feel rejected. And then I remember the hell amd odd behaviour. I remind myself that everyone notices his AS behaviour. I remind myself that he cannot change for anyone. And suddenly I don’t feel so rejected. For me- if I remind myself of these things, it not only takes the sting away but helps me refocus my attention towards better things. Lina, it will take time. You will heal. Time will help. Sleep, water, hobbies, family, dinner with friends...they all slowly help, along with therapy of course. |
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stupid girl 11:53 PM Tue 24th Nov, 2020 |
I am here to testify what can happen when you try to stand up to someone so deeply disturbed. What can happen when they are overloaded and you don't know it. I don't dispute they go through hell throughout their lives trying to navigate their way through a predominantly neurotypical world. Or at least they used to until it was recognized in the nineties. I severely underestimated the impact these experiences had on my my boyfriends life. The man I ended it with last night is 45 years old and from the minimal things he told me about his school years, he was thought to have adhd or some other problem. He would only drop pieces of stories about his prior relationships and described them as a series of one night stands gone bad. Although I thought he was gorgeous right from the start, he was not charming. Actually, alarming might be a better term to describe him. After seeing him a few times, I even commented he appeared "shell shocked"-like he had been through some great trauma that left him nervous and distraught. I figured out two months into our four month whirlwind that he was textbook aspergers. Right from the start I was almost obsessively drawn to him even though I knew it was a weakness in me and his horrible behavior that was creating this strong magnetic force. He said he had trust issues and dropped little examples of where he had been burnt in prior relationships. Of course this caused me to want to be the most trustworthy girlfriend he ever had. He took more and more advantage as time went on. I referred to him as a damage control guy-he would only swoop in and be nice to me when he saw I was ready to end things. I'm ashamed of what i put up with=the lies the stonewalling-the rejection. But when he would toss me a bone, as i called it, it was the warmest, sweetest love I had ever felt. I figured if I just was steady, trustworthy and loyal enough he would soften up. I'm only human and one night I didnt just accept his callous rude behavior. I turned into a typical pouting girl, packed my things but then decided not to leave because he couldnt care less. We did the typical circular argument however, when it came to verbal dissagreements I always had the advantage of words to express my feelings. He just used the typical name calling and insults. He pretended to fall asleep on the sofa when he ran out of ammo. I gave up and was tired as well so i went up to bed. Within minutes he came up and ordered me to leave his house. I said i was too tired to drive home and asked why he wasnt sleeping as well. He repeated i must leave but i just sat there. He snapped without warning and began dragging me to the stairs. I got free. He did it again. I grabbed the collar of his sweatshirt and started yelling his name to get his attention but he was not there. I was looking at a stranger that did not even see me. This time i fought him off and he actually flinched away and did not try again. I agreed I would leave but needed to find my smokes first. He helped me look for them. All was calm and we eventually found them and i was proceeding to leave. When i reached the top of the stairs, he pushed me so hard i never touched a step. Every horror movie i ever saw flashed through my mind. As i lay there gasping to breath at the bottom of the steps, he laughed and said "you should be more careful". This was not in the heat of the argument; this was passive aggression at its worst. Do not underestimate the pent up anger inside these people. It does not show on the surface. Moments before he started dragging me he didnt even look angry when i think back. I made it out alive and continued to talk to him for these last three weeks. After the first week, i was all but desperate to see him again but i would not return to his house to see him. He made no attempt to see me but offered his usual saying “you know where I am”. The only reason I broke up with him tonight is because i was sick of him rejecting me. Know there is something wrong with you to want to be with a man this warped. Stop whining about all their bad characteristics-they are what they are and dont profess to be anything else. There is a term for their condition and the resulting other behaviors that can be a result of it. Whats you're excuse? Get out. Get out now. You have no idea how traumatized they have been in their life and you have no idea if you will be the one to trip their breaker. Unless you are educated and he is willing to work on the relationship with you, you are feeding the monster and making it stronger. Its how they got this way in the first place. Mommy coddled them because they were picked on and had no friends. They learn how to be fabulous actors to fit in. Put those two factors together and you have a highly skilled narcissist. Mine was especially hateful of women. which i would imagine is not uncommon due to the difficulties in dating. I thanked my now ex last night for being mean one more time. I thanked him for finally setting me free. Stop trying to stuff a square peg into a round hole! Either leave them be and get out or if you have a willing one that's not too damaged, maybe you'll be able to create a little world the two of you can manage in. I do believe ones that were not humiliated and traumatized as bad are probably sweet and kind and workable to a degree. But careful around the old wise ones that couldnt care less if you were with them or not. Mine used to ask me why do i make myself cry all the time. He said this is who i am either take it or leave it. Who cares if they meant to hurt you or not, the result is the same. They will survive the relationship with you with minimal damage when its over. You, however, will be a mangled heap in the end. I almost became one literally. I can not tell you what went through my mind as I laid at the bottom of those stairs. Stop trying to change them and beware if you push too far. You really have no clue how thick that mask is that they wear. You think youve seen behind it, but thats just one layer. Stop making yourselves cry and stop torturing them as well. |
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Mouse 9:42 PM Tue 24th Nov, 2020 |
I too feel that finding out about ASD feels like now knowing about a dark creepy secret.... I hear stories, see people with possible ASD traits, and hear them tell stories about their seriously mentally ill close relatives...i also meet mentally ill people, who talk about partners who's choices and behavior seem very aspie like...i'm not saying ASD is the explanation for all mental illness, but i think it could be in a lot of cases, and people just don't no about it.. and if i start talking about it, with all the grief and worry it gives me, i would probably be considered another crazy person...again... In some cases it might be paranoia..just happy to know i'm not alone with the 'creepy' feeling... And about having an affair..i would think theres very little chance he will pick up on the normal clues, that a partner has distanced themselves, and might be getting their needs fulfilled elsewhere...maybe one good thing about being in a relationsship with somebody with ASD... other people might be better at picking up on it though, and might not be very understanding, unless people around u also sees he's bad sides....selfcare and healing might help too...best of luck! |
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Nadia 8:34 PM Tue 24th Nov, 2020 |
Tiffany, I know that anger! It's scary. I recently left a 4 decades marriage. Believe me when I tell you that the anger will leave eventually. You deserve to move on and you will realize that the anger will keep you stuck and you won't want to sacrifice anymore of yourself than you have already. For now, you need to feel and process that anger, but don't let it define your own sense of dignity, respect, and civility. Then, the power continues to stay with them. You will feel your power returning when you know deep inside that your anger is valid, but it is also a motivation to learn how to get back to who you are, who you want to be, and who you can be. Give no more to this relationship in any form. It's your turn now. Be who you could have been, who you were meant to be, and get there with your God given sense of dignity, respect, and civility. Lina, yes, I felt dead inside for years, decades actually. Couldn't stomach the thought of intimacy, not only with my partner, but with anyone. No desire, no energy. It's trauma. It will improve as you improve. It recently felt foreign to me to look at an attractive man and actually picture romance for the first time in forever. To actually want to feel that again. I feel the stirrings of my mind and body coming alive again, but only because I have worked to process what happened to me. And, it takes time and patience. And I'm old, lol, so there's plenty of time for you to heal and go on to have a wonderful, passionate life! It can and will happen. Take the time to process and learn from this now, so you can live life and love the way it's meant to be. |
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Cat 7:54 PM Tue 24th Nov, 2020 |
32 year woman here, raised by two undiagnosed aspies, I have no words for the anger I feel. I ended up with ocd, trichotillomania, social phobia, cptsd. But undiagnosed aspies are not to blame, because they, for their live, don't know what they are doing. Only if someone they respect as an authority figure tells them they are doing something wrong they can correct it, but if no one stop them to make them aware, there is no hope for the person affected by their behaviour. I think lots of testimonials in other forums about narcissistic parents are really undiagnosed aspies that developed narcissistic tendencies. I realised this year and realised that they didn't had empathy for me, they just felt something like guilt and pitty, but couldn't relate to me. Their main concern was that I won't die and that I did well in the academic stages, but to me it felt horrible shallow, like they were nevver really listening. I had to make a huge effort to my father to listen (never about feeling, just tópicos of conversation). Will try to continue later. |
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Bella 6:08 PM Tue 24th Nov, 2020 |
Lina, You are injured severely. It will take time, lots of time for you to heal. It seems very reasonable that you have no interest in pursuing another relationship and that you dont trust people. Your mind and heart are protecting you from further hurt. I’m having trouble with this also - I don’t trust myself to be able to recognize traits that are harmful to me in new people I might meet. It’s horrible to have a person who messed you up occupying a place in your head. It’s really hard to kick them out of your mind. It just takes determination and time. As you continue in your counseling to help you heal, perhaps focus on other aspects of your life and don’t pressure yourself to want to find someone new. Maybe you have career goals or a talent you want to develop? Putting some energy into those things can be very therapeutic. At least while you are concentrating on these things, it gives your mind a break from your painful memories. |
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Tiffany 4:28 PM Tue 24th Nov, 2020 |
Now what? 19 years in a very confusing marriage. Finally figured out ASD earlier this year. Husband fully accepts and agrees with diagnosis. I feel like I’m in a mental breakdown. EVERY cruelty now makes sense. All the neglect, odd comments, sensory issues. It is not that I have been unworthy of love all these years. It is that my husband isn’t capable of expressing love. I am mourning the loss of hope. How did you let go of the bitterness? I hate him. I want to ruin his life like he has ruined mine. I want to hurt him, make him feel like he has made me feel. I will never cover for his bad behavior again. I refuse to make excuses for how he acts. I’m too bitter to care if he wants to work on things. What’s the point? He will never understand my needs. I’m embarrassed that I chose him as a partner. So much shame in staying with someone who has done the things he has done to me. I’m 42, I need to get my kids into college. Can I just stay put for 5 more years? Do any of you start affairs? I am so lonely but can’t divorce just yet. |
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Aussie 9:34 AM Tue 24th Nov, 2020 |
To JENNY who wrote on 23 November So sorry to hear your story and the awful way you have been treated. Am so glad you have made that decision...it is right to care for yourself indeed your very life depends on it as you have just found out. God bless..praying for you to have a far better and happier future. |
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Lina 3:47 AM Tue 24th Nov, 2020 |
Is it normal that I no longer feel the desire to have romantic relationships? I don't want to and I can't get to know anyone else.. I'm 29 years old and now I don't think about dating, marriage or partnership anymore. I feel stolen, a corpse, with no energy or hope in people. My relationship (2 years with an ASD) ended in a tragic and extremely traumatic way. He doesn't remember that I exist. I have been in therapy for months, but my ex partner lives in my mind. |
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Jenny 7:04 PM Mon 23rd Nov, 2020 |
For three decades of marriage I have lived with an AS husband and finally I I knew last week that I am not going to take this any more and am leaving. It is such a relief to make the decision and this site has been so, so useful to me and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Last week I became gravely ill from very bad food poisoning virus and was running a big fever, unable to eat for six days and hardly able to keep water down or move from the bed. My husband hardly noticed and just said ' I have to work' ' I have to sleep' 'i'll get you some water once I've finished this (he is a programmer/geek). or 'I'm sorry you don't feel well. I have a zoom call in 10 minutes' Finally I called one of my artist friends and said please, please take to the Accident Emergency. When he saw the physical state I was in he was very worried indeed. After seeing the doctorsII asked not to be taken back home because I knew there was nobody there who had the faintest idea how to care - I would just feel totally alone physically and mentally so I couldn't go home. So now I am recovering in a large Victorian house with love, care, empathy, everything, oh I am too so lucky. That's enough for now _J |
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Yvonne 11:18 AM Mon 23rd Nov, 2020 |
Lily, reading your message validated all of my concerns for my health. I have chosen to leave my relationship, I hope one day to be in a better emotional state like yourself too. I have developed my own personality and attachments disorders during my relationship with my ASD boyfriend. I'm less affectionate, I'm avoidant in my intimacy and I convince myself that I am fufilled. The rejection of my own needs was what made me realise I needed to get out- and the deterioration of my health also; which you also spoke about in your message. So thankyou for outlining the detriment emotional stress can be on our physical health. I have ironically become more distant and disconnected from my ASD boyfriend- once I craved all of the emotional connection that was just impossible to receive in this relationship. I no longer require the emotional reciprocity, I have denied it so deeply that emotional reciprocity feels foreign in this relationship. Emotional reciprocity is a skill I have naturally, as an empathetic and intuitive person it is shocking to see this gift fade and become dull during my relationship. I am ending this relationship so I can hold onto the ability to emotionally reciprocate. Please, if you're reading this, leave for your own self-preservation. Leave and cultivate what has been diminished in this relationship. Time to come back to yourself. love x |
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Elodie 5:58 AM Mon 23rd Nov, 2020 |
@Nadia - 100% what you said. It's the 'what isn't there' - that took me so long to put my finger on and work out and then once I'd worked it out, spent so long trying to decide whether I was being unreasonable or not. I remember writing in my journal so many times that I'd lost sense of what was normal in a relationship. Thanks for your post, you put into words what many will be struggling with. |
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Lily 3:45 AM Mon 23rd Nov, 2020 |
I'm sitting here in a much better place emotionally than I was a couple of months ago. I posted way back about my experience with an AS boyfriend. I have more good days than bad. I no longer doubt and wonder if it was actually me. I no longer feel rejected - because he doesn't have the capacity to reciprocate and so ANY woman would likely feel rejected, alone, CONFUSED, rebuffed, and frustrated. I work in the health care field and I meet people all day long who are in pain - usually physical and many who's pain (I believe) is part and partially due to psychological/emotional strain and pain. Now that I'm feeling a lot better about things, I realize how precious I AM TO ME. This means that it is important to protect my self because a few more years of life with my ASpie bf, truly would have led me to possibly end up ill, or even to end up with a personality disorder/attachment disorder. I really urge any person coming to this site, that if they are wondering if they should run - YES run. A lot aspies have an innocence to them like a boyishness that makes you second guess your thoughts. Someone else posted that she got sick of wondering if her partner was a bad person who sometimes did good things, or a good person who sometimes did bad things. Then as an NT, one ends up in this vicious unending cycle where most of your time is spent expending mental and emotional energy trying to figure every thing out, trying to fix things, blaming one's self, etc. That, and the rejection etc sum up what's in store for life with a partner who has AS. Please see yourself as a priority. Please take care of yourself and cherish your own heart and feelings. |
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Nadia 8:29 PM Sun 22nd Nov, 2020 |
Hello All, As I continue to read on this site, it occurred to me that there are very valid damaging behaviors perpetrated against us by our partners, but I think even more important are the gestures missing from our partners. Having recently gotten out of a 4 decades long marriage, I am working on the damage that happened to my soul, my very being. However, I find it easier to process the abuses that I can label, for example, stonewalling, gaslighting, etc. In my opinion, the far more challenging damage came from the extreme neglect of my emotions, lack of support, and overall apathy of my most basic needs. To me, living with an ASD partner was akin to living with a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or at the least, someone with narcissistic styles. It wasn't so much what was there, but what was NOT. 1 year, 1 day, 1 month, is enough to damage anyone, but having spent decades living this way, I just want to caution those who stay, and/or reassure those who left, that nothing ever changes from the first day. Nothing. There will be no growth, no deepening of respect, understanding, or love. It is a perpetual cycle. It can only get worse because as a NT, you are designed to grow, experience, learn from, and repair, all of which gets thwarted over and over, while your partner stays at that stunted emotional quotient age, forever locked in childhood. We should all accept this gift of life and honor it to the best of our ability. Life is a blessing. We owe it to ourselves and others, to share the best of ourselves. We are not our authentic selves living like this; we are merely surviving. In healthy relationships, which I believe we should start our focus of study on, each partner lifts the other up in a way that enables the other to grow and thrive. I'm not just speaking of intimate partners here. We have no energy, emotional reserves left at the end of the day to cultivate anything after a day living with an ASD partner. It's no way to live. It really isn't. Please, spend a little time thinking about your value and worth. You deserve better. Let's live! |
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Cathy 8:54 AM Sun 22nd Nov, 2020 |
Laura, having just read your comments I feel as if I'm going back in time, this is why this site is so therapeutic, there is literally nowhere that people can talk about this stuff. You mentioned that your partner talks about sex with his ex, that's what my husband used to do. So irrelevant and inappropriate. Plus comparing you with his ex, again, exactly what my husband used to do, it just made me so mad. He would go on and on about things that I'd done wrong until I wanted to scream. He brought the worst out in me and took great pleasure in embarrassing and humiliating me in front of people. Blatant lies to bolster his stories about me so I'd look extra stupid or ridiculous. Once we were having a meal with my aunt and uncle, I had just found out that a close family member had an addiction and although I shared it with my husband, I told him he was not to tell a soul as it was awful for the relative concerned. During the meal my husband blurted out that my relative had this addiction and how shameful it was etc. I sat with my mouth open and asked that we not talk about it, suddenly my husband said "If this gets back to anyone, I want it known that it was Cathy who told you and not me". My aunt and uncle were in shock and my husband swore blind that I had told them. When I quizzed him afterwards I was told to shut up, subject over. Madness. This is the crazy stuff I have dealt with over the years. I am so glad you have managed to leave him and even though you miss him now, believe me it's temporary, you won't miss the insults, gaslighting, nagging, threats and pedantic behaviour. Bless you and good luck |
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Cathy 8:23 AM Sun 22nd Nov, 2020 |
Ah Rosie, your words are heart breaking to read and I really and truly feel your pain. You sound as if your spirit is broken. I have given my testimony earlier, I have been married for 30 plus years now to a man with AS and it has been Hell on wheels. He is sick now and I can't leave him. In the past I thought I couldn't leave because of the kids, I was afraid of standing on my own two feet and because of finances, every reason not to because I was an emotional wreck and it was easier to stay because I couldn't face the trauma. You see an abusive partner can do a great job on you. They have you believe you'd be useless without them. I couldn't make a decision to leave, although I desperately wanted to. My weakness made me despise my marriage more. What I know now is that you will have incredible strength to what is best for you, dig deep, you will find the courage to save your sanity and your future happiness. His bullying, gaslighting and domineering behaviour has made you believe that you are dependent on him, you were once single, happy and content. Do you have a confidante you are able to speak to? A trusted friend, relative, counsellor? Don't be his prisoner, for now you're a nervous wreck, but you can get help and support, don't be afraid to ask for help. If you want to leave, set your intention and do it, your marriage should be a loving partnership not a life sentence from which you think there is no escape. I look back at some of the trauma I went through and I think I must have mad to put up with it, if I could speak to my younger self I would tell her to pack her bags, walk out and don't look back. |
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Laura 6:03 AM Sun 22nd Nov, 2020 |
Hi there, I came on here as I'm feeling alone and feel like I lost my sanity, I left my aspie partner a few days ago, he kept lying and contradicting and it made me question anything he said, everything would always be my fault or everyone else's but his, he would also compare me too his ex or speak about her sexually in what they did in the bedroom (no filter), if I dare did the same or spoke about my ex in anyway like that I will get a ton of grief, he would be very jealous he would twist my words for example "I need too go somewhere too fix my back it hurts so bad" (massage by a professional) " his perspective said that I said his shit and he's useless when I didn't say that, if I want too see my friend who I barely see that will be a issue even if I told him in advance so he can adjust, if I forget too tell him that I got my eye brows threaded last minute I will get called a liar, one time we was going on a walk and he started to put me down he said "it's the truth and honesty" if I don't agree too what he likes for example kids names, he told me "fine I get someone else pregnant who will like the names" I can never do anything right,anytime I say how I feel its either my fault for feeling like this and then I'm being put down for my nt ways, I feel like I'm screaming and that he can't hear me and my pain I cry every night I miss him, I wish we could fix all this but everytime I try and say how I feel he just goes on about what I've done that's bad such as me getting frustrated and annoyed when he speaks too me soo horribly, I always made effort too meet up and do things and I try listening too his rants and thoughts, he gets angry really easily I tried walking away as I though if I walk away he may stop, he got worse and threatened too push me in the water (I can't swim) he has no idea how all this and so many other things have made me feel, he says his hair dresser and friends knows his a good person with a good heart, I mean I know he can be a good person with a good heart, I know he has struggles I get that, but they don't see the other side of him that I do, I'm getting upset just writing this, I love this site so much it makes me feel less alone. I could write so much more but I leave it here for now, Thank you x |
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Rosie 2:30 AM Sun 22nd Nov, 2020 |
He manipulates and controls me to keep me in his isolated bubble, a slave to his needs. He tries to isolate me from my friends so I do not experience ‘normal’ and am not tempted away. He ignores household responsibilities (bills, etc) but spends thousands on his obsessions. He struts about, governing and supervising me. He analyses at length every aspect of everything and has a meltdown if things aren’t quite right. He hides away from the world, which I must also do - in support. He tells me he is normal - and I am ‘difficult’. I must fend off visitors, and make excuses to cancel social invitations – both make him uncomfortable. His normal must be my normal. We haven’t had a holiday for years; holidays are irresponsible because he is always ‘up against it’ OCD’ing everything or working on his obsessions. He spends countless hours on his obsessions – I must accept the fob offs and lies when he tells me he is not. I must abide by and implement his rigid rituals and rules, as these are ‘normal’, my way isn’t. He has a meltdown if I don’t ‘get behind him’ I must give full attention to the hours of monologue lectures, none of my views allowed. I must let him OCD every aspect of our lives without me interfering, must not take on any tasks myself, and must not make any decisions because he knows best. I must accept the rages, melt downs, sulks, intimidation and verbal abuse that result if I don’t adhere to all of the above. He is never wrong. I live with permanent tension, anxiety, and the fear that results from the constant threat of his aggressive, explosive temper. I used to be a successful college lecturer with a management position. Underneath I am a creative, adventurous, sociable, intelligent human being – but he has stripped that all away. I am broken. Why don’t I leave him? Because we are in debt due to his inability to manage his finances, I have no money and nowhere to go.. |
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Faczis 11:51 PM Fri 20th Nov, 2020 |
I wonder if anyone has had the same experience as mine. After my (unprepared and naive) encounter with the ASD world and my ex-partner, I met several people who describe some people / friends / relatives as if they were on the spectrum. Parents of friends, school friends, life colleagues, neighbors... My head seems to explode with so many stories that people don't understand, but for me now it's so clear. Giving autism an explanation for these behaviors can always generate an offensive and hostile climate because we have been taught that they are ONLY "cute and different". I just hate it, I lose my energy with it. I feel like ASD is a dark secret among us and that few people access it - usually through pain. All these other people are hurt by the same "emotional damage", with no answers and deep ignorance about ASD. I don't want to judge or be a generalist, but I'm afraid of meeting more ASD people in my life for fear of the slightest damage they can do to me (even if I don't live in a loving way). I just don't want to be interested or know about their world anymore and I don't want to keep them close to my life. This is fair? |
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Anna-Jane 11:16 PM Fri 20th Nov, 2020 |
@Bridgette - In answer to your first question, it's definitely 'yes' from me! I am the sister of a man who although undiagnosed, is almost certainly a Aspie (or the more I read, maybe has NPD!) Through childhood we were very close, although the way I communicate with him is very different from how I would communicate with anybody else. It sometimes feels like I am 'emotionally bilingual' if that makes sense? It is his way, or the highway and he still speaks to me like I am a child. He appears genuinely baffled should anyone contradict him! (I mean, why would they when he is always right?!) Any attempts at discussion are met with him launching into a rapid, often pedantic tirade and then 'so that's it - this is what we will do...' The only way to prove he is wrong about something, is to keep quiet, let his way fail and then allow him to announce 'this failed because......' (suffice to say, it has never yet been any fault of his!!!) "And so we will do it this way!" People who don't know him extremely well have no idea what he is really like as he is charming and can appear very caring and even humble. Even when people hear how he can behave, I must admit I get fed up when they said, "Why can't you just tell him / make him / change the way you do X, Y, Z" because they genuinely have no idea how futile that would be! |
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Bridgette Elizabeth 9:13 PM Fri 20th Nov, 2020 |
Hi, Bridgette I don't understand it either. Rudeness for no reason. Damaging to our souls because it's done over and over again. Sending thoughts and prayers. Changed my name:) |
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Bridgette 9:07 PM Fri 20th Nov, 2020 |
I look on the testimonials just about everyday. To my surprise I see a testimony from me. Just want to let you all know the Bridgette that posted Fri. Nov 20 is different person than Bridgette, me, that posted Tues. Nov 17. Maybe I'll change my name here lol. Anyway, I'm Bridgette from Michigan. Have a good day all. |
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Bridgette 7:54 AM Fri 20th Nov, 2020 |
Has anyone experienced their own emotional and communication skills decline in the process of making your life with your aspie compatible? I have been with my partner for the past 2 years, we live together. I've come to the conclusion that this relationship is not sustainable. He can say the most hurtful things, but can also be sweet and genuine, (I think genuine). Until he says another hurtful comment, and then I think "is he just masking and mimicking me when he isn't rude?". When I say rude, he once attempted to reassure me: "maybe they don't care" in response to me sharing a vulnerable moment with him "why do my friends not ask me about my experience with chemo medication" You may be thinking now that "rude" isn't the term to use- that moment was deeply hurtful but that was over a year ago now and I should have taken that remark as a sign, and not a reason to probe further. It's hard to say good-bye to someone you love, but it is harder to lose yourself and grieve for the strong and spirited person you were before this relationship. Leaving a relationship during covid-19 is scary, searching for the housing market right now is scary. But I have to be strong. Send me your Goodluck and thoughts. Love x |
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Flá 5:01 AM Wed 18th Nov, 2020 |
@Susan, for the readings I took this week for cognitive deficits is the fact that the speed with which they transmit information from one cerebral hemisphere to the other proves to be abnormally high, impairing the way it's processed. This speed in the transmission of information can make the individual perceive the tips and emotional clues and make mistakes in reading the situations, responding to them without reflecting. Since these two brain regions of ASDs are less able to send information and respond correctly to them, competition between the two hemispheres makes it difficult to understand and produce language. The interesting part: the lack of communication between the cerebral hemispheres causes these individuals to develop "a double personality", a kind of "The Doctor and the Monster" effect. Surely there are still others deeper mechanisms in the brain that explain how they also regulate behaviors or manipulate depending on the response and interest in the person generating the situation. (Masking and camouflage - the time when they're most kind and pleasant - usually occurs at the beginning of social interaction because they do it as a mirror for other people. But it isn't supported for a long time because it requires energy and high cognitive investment). |
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Lynne 4:58 AM Wed 18th Nov, 2020 |
Susan, I get everything you have said. Have been married over 30 years. Husband has A. I feel like I am the one going mad. My husband can be really lovely and then, out of nowhere, Dr. Jekyll appears and he is with me for a couple of weeks. Has no idea how upsetting he can be, No empathy. So much worse over the last few months. I am actually struggling with him. Only compensation is, not just at me. One of his friends wives told me that he had been quite abrupt and verbally out of order to him. He is aware of hubby’s condition but.....after all these years I wish I could toughen up. |
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Vicky 2:36 AM Wed 18th Nov, 2020 |
Susan - I had a realization this morning. I ended my 21 year relationship and thinking about our years together completely shifted when I realized something. My memories of our wonderful (my word) times together were seen by each of us in completely different ways. Therefore, I decided in order to see situations with an asp partner as anything other than your own perspective is all you can do. I know he will "not" remember our times in any way resembling the way I do and it was rather enlightening for me to see it this way. This means I don't see him as dr. jekyl or mr hyde but more as someone that just reacts/responds in way I can't relate to and won't ever understand. That way I take it from a non personal perspective (easier now that I left) and it doesn't seem to hurt any more. I almost feel sorry for him because he will never truly enjoy anything with his tortured "nothing is ever good enough" mind. |
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Bridgette 11:41 PM Tue 17th Nov, 2020 |
Hi, Susan. That's exactly how I described it for years until I searched things he was doing and it came up aspergers syndrome. Jekyll and Hyde. Hyde will come out from something as menial as a simple question, a question that shouldn't cause such a rude reaction. He doesn't shut down for weeks, though. He does the opposite. When he's rude and verbally abusive, very often, sometimes in only a half hours time he will come around me trying to hug me as if he wasn't the abusive monster a short time ago. I resist of course and point out what he did just a short time ago and that I don't want him touching me but it never seems to register in his mind as he stares at me like I'm the one with the problem. My feelings for him are caring for him as a human in my life but as far as being in love. He killed that in me. |
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Elodie 8:10 PM Tue 17th Nov, 2020 |
@Susan - oh the Jekyll and Hyde thing - I can totally relate to that. In the early years I used to be happy when the nice side appeared because it meant things would be easier for a while. As the years passed I started to like it less because I knew it wouldn't last and it felt so fake and also I found that the mood of the whole house would be dictated by his moods. As soon as he swung into happy mode, we were all allowed to breathe a sigh of relief and get on board. Got so sick of it in the end. Also @Vicky - I have found your posts so helpful and comforting. Reading through, I could really relate to a lot of what you were saying. I was so happy to find you have found peace and happiness - and I am happy to say I am taking steps in that direction too. xx |
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Susan 9:20 AM Tue 17th Nov, 2020 |
Why do Aspies have a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality where they switch from almost too nice to completely abusive? Sometimes all it takes is to do one thing they don't like for them to have a meltdown and abuse you verbally or physically and then give you the silent treatment for weeks. Keep in mind you never know what might cause them to have a meltdown so you're always walking on eggshells around them. But then there's other times where they seem caring and nice... almost TOO nice and caring... Is that all an act? |
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Flá 12:03 AM Tue 17th Nov, 2020 |
After the end of my traumatic relationship with an ASD partner (which everything was deeply horrible), I started to investigate my personal causes for getting into these situations. I had other relationships with narcissists and realized that my life was spent with years dedicated to parasitic people. I found a book by luck and decided to buy it. The title is "Women Who Love Psychopaths: How to identify men with personality disorders and get rid of an abusive relationship" by psychiatrist Sandra Brown. Developing reading was scary because I didn't expect to recognize so many traits identical to those of my ex-ASD in this book. The similarities in the pathologies were in all the situations described! This reinforces my thinking and other readings of scientific articles that autism and narcissism are neurologically very connected, similar even in shared origin. I really liked the fragments because it summarizes important points to think about when we are suffering for a partner inserted in a psychopathology/syndrome. I'd like to give an example to the forum: 1) We are not strong enough to "overcome" his genetic propensity for pathology. 2) We are not going to repair his genetic problem "with love". 3) We will not correct his neurological changes with "understanding". 4) We will not improve his neurobiology "through prayers". It is quite likely that a person on the spectrum of low consciousness disorders has a combination of associated mental disorders. This not only makes it more complex to try to maintain a normal relationship with someone who has this serious condition, but it also increases the risk of lethality for the partner exponentially. The greater the number of mental problems a person has, the greater the risk of damage from the relationship. |
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Darcey 7:27 PM Sun 15th Nov, 2020 |
Something to help those who are in that frame of mind consisting of doubt, wonder, is it really Asperger? May e its me? Confusion, confusion, etc. If they are truly Asperger and even if undiagnosed Asp, they have a fixed set of characteristics that will not change. Their brain is hardwired in a different way. Their amygdala is different. They have different brain pathways and processing that are fixed. And so to is the onservations of lack,of empathy, mindblind to others and little or no ability to see anoers internal world, (A key component to relationships, interpersonal reciprocity, and building trust ) Their processing is different. They often excel at things that require organization, systems and order, however they do not excelling things that require emotion, inference or knowing what wrong bc they “know you se well”. They dont know you. They are bisual thinkers and cannot guess how you feel by the grimace on your face or tone in your voice. They remove emotion from their life in a sense to be more efficient and look at people who are emotional as irrational beings. Most of them suffer from fairly severe anxiety and controlling their anxiety is what drives their actions. There is an immensely helpful set of YouTube videos by Mark Hutten, MA. In fact it is the only information, a series of mis and short videos, that will allow the women who write in these pages to let go if they need to. It’s really a matter of what kind of life do you want to have? Asperger humans have things that they can and cannot do. The cognitive rigidity is almost impossible to change and the wiring cannot be changed, the way they process the world and information and the relationship in it is not malleable. |
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June 5:13 PM Sun 15th Nov, 2020 |
I have in unusual story and it’s only been due to a ‘marriage break’ that I have realised my husband may have HF ASD ( Aspergers). We have been married for 21 years with 3 kids. My life is my normal. I suffer from depression, anxiety ( at times), thyroid issues, codependency and low self esteem. I used to be passionate and full of life, inspired, grateful, kind and considerate of others..... Now, age 44...I’m tired, seldom laugh ( unless with others), feel I can’t do anything right, unmotivated, no purpose, unsure of myself, I feel ugly, unattractive, uninspired, often unloved.. I love my kids dearly ( and they give me great joy - ages ). My husband is a good man and my issues could easily be ‘my issues’ and not a reaction/result of his behaviour ( I’m not a psychologist..). I’ve written a list of his behaviours that seem to stand out... Defensive, never wrong, can’t take a joke, happy to insult/joke at others expense, says odd things ‘I told my boss off today!’, very negative, very oppositional, often an angry tone or goes from zero to angry very quickly, anxious, adverse to change, others are at fault, needs alone time, no close friends, doesn’t keep in contact much with family, no compliments, not grateful, seems arrogant at times, know it all, can go off on tangents especially when we have friends over - they often don’t know the subject or can’t get a word in ( it’s embarrassing! - and if I gently discuss it with him later he gets angry, defensive...), competitive of ailments ( if I mention I have a headache he has one or a stomach ache too...). He has said some nasty comments over the years...I told him I was having a mammogram and biopsy on a breast lump, he replied with ‘and a hypercondriac test as well?’ We talked about planning our funerals etc a while ago and I asked what he wanted, he said he didn’t really care ( atheist) he just said scatter my ashes over ...... mountain that will stick it to the (racist comment) people’. Seriously! Who thinks like this? If he talks to his relative, I’ll ask how they are - he will reply with ‘ I don’t know, I wasn’t really listening’ The good he does.... loyal, helps around home ( must mow lawns - won’t train kids), I do financials, insurance, holidays - he just can’t seem to do it, understand or care ( I have tried), he’s company, father of our 3 kids. We do have intimacy 1+ times per day ( 70% my initiative). It used to be 3 times per year, due to my lack of interest. The intimacy gives me closeness that I desperately need ( serotonin hit). Earlier this year I initiated a break (as far as I was concerned it was over). I touched base with a platonic friend and after 6 weeks we met up - he offered to drive down and catch up, I was very attracted to him ( mutual), we talked, had some fun - it went well. He started to open up about his own health concerns... anxiety, insular, stimming, very intelligent, adverse to change, cried when overwhelmed, son has ASD.... Turns out I had gone from one undiagnosed Aspie to another....OMG! His HF ASD was a lot more severe ( than my husband) but he was stunning, caring, charming, I’d known him 4 years ( mainly via messages with a few platonic catch-ups)....in the end I was ghosted and blocked. Too much too soon for him ( I fell hard), he had told me when we were friends he was still getting over a past relationship ( that he had discontinued), he’d had several relationships and a traumatic childhood. I am guessing he had co-morbid conditions with his ASD as he could be very quick to anger. After that painful disaster ( that I am still recovering from) I couldn’t cope with it ever happening again so I went back to my husband - ‘better the devil you know’. Since then I have researched for weeks....months to get understanding of ( at times myself...) but also HF ASD. I have also read up on ‘Cassandra Syndrome/Phenomenon’ the ASD partner with low esteem who feels unheard as she/he battles through the partnership with their ASD partner. Others see the ASD person as a good person without flaws where as the partner experiences the ASD’s true personality at home ( where the ‘mask’ is off). So that’s my story... Thinking of you all, I understand ❤️ |
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Anonymous 3:45 PM Sat 14th Nov, 2020 |
Posted many times, embarrassed to give my name as I’m still in same situation my ASD husband s behaviour is becoming more child like ... used to amuse me to some extent, but now it’s pathetic he’s a grown man of 55!! I know without you all saying ... but I guess I know I need to do something Keep thinking it will improve or not get worse ! |
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Cindy 5:45 AM Sat 14th Nov, 2020 |
I'm not sure what to do anymore, I was ghosted out of a 4 year relationship with someone on the spectrum. The day before I was told how wonderful I am and that they wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. When strange behaviors came up I would try to hold them accountable for the ways it made me feel. I was told that that was not okay to say. I was told that if I felt the way I did then we should break up. I was told we are going to counseling or we are breaking up which I accepted and was still blocked and ghosted. And I was told that I was the bad guy for saying that the situation was getting blown out of proportion. These situations happened on occasionally and I was usually ditched for days without resolution or knowledge that the relationship wasn't over. I have been ghosted for months now and it hurts so bad, and they seemed to have just moved on with their life like nothing happened. All I wanted was to love this person, and to be treated with respect. I want them back, But I also am afraid that these behaviors will never stop. Where is the person who would help me fix these issues, Console me when I was upset during an argument, and take responsibility for their actions? By the end of our last talk, they told me that the last 4 years were the the worst of their life. Even though I was only told how much I helped them be better and that I made them very happy, and that I was the best thing that had happened to them. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? |
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Vicky 4:59 AM Sat 14th Nov, 2020 |
David - I respect your stance on not giving "advice" or playing "therapist". I think what most of us women do is validate and give our own similar stories to help other women/men not feel like they are alone. We know very few therapists understand our situation (none in my area) so we really need someone to hear us. I spent 21 years with my asp and it was such a difficult journey trying to understand him and find a way to make him happy that I drained myself. Listening from others that lived or are living my life was so refreshing and if there is anything I can do to help someone in a similar situation, I will do so. I am being more selfish by loving myself and staying single but I will still do anything to help someone else, it is just my nature. The only difference now is I have more understanding and clarity. I would be grateful if I can pass that along to ease someone else's pain. |
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Tuppenceworth 6:13 PM Fri 13th Nov, 2020 |
@Elodie. Thanks for your message, it’s pretty uncanny we really are going through very similar circumstances. I read back through older posts and I noticed some of yours which are the very same as mine, just written two months earlier. Journaling is what I have to do. I still somehow think there’s a possibility that me expecting more has caused all of this. My mother pretty much said to me this week, that I don’t matter now, I have to look after my kids and my husband. Elodie Id love to get in touch. I’m not in London but a fellow European until Christmas anyway ;) |
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Rachel 9:44 PM Thu 12th Nov, 2020 |
I am astounded to read my story over and over on this site. I am wondering what I will do. My husband of 16 years has not been diagnosed with ASD, but we are working with a therapist ; we assume that he is on the spectrum. My recognition that he has ASD is quite new; I keep asking myself why I didn't realize. We are 71 and 70, respectively. My husband has learned how to mimic many neurotypical responses. As a result, I thought his behavior resulted from being a very linear thinking and having a terrible temper. When we met, he was very romantic and patient; softly spoken. He appeared to empathize with me when I told him about my experiences in a past abusive marriage. He began to change after we married. He is not at all romantic, hates celebrations such as birthdays and Christmas, has no friends, and has been domestically abusive towards me for many years. We rarely go out. I moved to the USA to marry him; it's been up to me to make friends and carve a social life, however, I feel still alone. Intimacy went out of the door in the first year of our marriage. He suffers from ER, and while I empathize with this and don't see it as the cornerstone of our marriage, he does not like to touch me and I rely on our dogs for any tactile needs. His meltdowns are appalling; I see them as rage/temper tantrums. It's terrifying. He's broken things, thrown things at me. He used to tell me repeatedly that he will change, is always apologetic. I had spinal surgery last year; his treatment of me while I was unable to move, caused me to breakdown. The visiting nurse was concerned about me, and contacted a social worker. Acting on their advice, I saw a pscyiatric nurse practitioner, who helped me with medication. She saw my husband, and told him I was vulnerable. He seemed to agree with her; but he reverted back to being rude and uncaring within a day or so. He has changed now to be very brazen about his anger, and distespectul treatment of me; calling me names and showing no care. He tells me every few days that he is leaving. When we talk about this to his therapist; there are some things he says, he won't discuss. I try to do all I can and more at times to gain some credit with him; but he is unappreciative and entitled. I feel trapped. I stay because I am afraid I won't cope alone. I do not have good health. I have Complex Post Traumatic Strees Disorer, arising from an abusive childhood; I don't have the confidence to leave at my age. I am relieved in some strange way to read what others have written here; from what I've read, I can see that my husband can't change and that I need to think about what I can do to make my life peaceful. I have felt suicidal at times. I thought a lot of what was going on in my marriage may have been my fault. I have had therapy for my CPTSD and I do have some life-sacing skills; but I can't break free. I feel cheated; sad that I've wasted so many years on this unfeeling and cruel man. Thank you all for sharing your experiences. I will continue to work on a way through all this. Does anyone have any suggestions? |
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Flá 9:32 PM Wed 11th Nov, 2020 |
@Bianca, your story is exactly mine. The only difference is that I wasn't engaged (almost!) and my ex-ASD wasn't an engineer, but a mathematician. The point of our collapse was also his doctorate abroad, in which he didn't understand that the romantic life could contribute or even walk in parallel with his studies. And even after the abandonment that he created me in the worst possible circumstances, I tried to be understanding and stay in communication with him at a distance. In the end, I was getting so intoxicated and couldn't experience a fair process with myself. I felt myself swallowing poison from my own hands. I was feeling emotions for him the moment we communicated, but he wasn't. And he was following his life naturally and quickly, just having me as an object on the shelf with which he could talk whenever he chose. There wasn't healthy exchange or hope between us, as some neurotypical couples do. I think more that you are functioning as a guarantee, a routine attachment that it's difficult for him to have no more. He'll not give you value or recognition because you're present, after all, he clarified that studies are the most important. I insisted for 3 months and only received rudeness, lack of understanding, decreased priority even in relation to unknown people that he preferred to keep in touch with the new doctorate. You're simply seen as an anchor, but not as special or that will be resumed in his life at a better time. That better moment, in my view, doesm't exist for them. The best time for them is related to their goals, the things they want to pursue and that does not mean maintaining affective or human interaction as a priority. In the end, I left completely injured and had to cut it for now. I had no mental and emotional capacity to deal with a robot that he had become - after the end, he simply lost all of the most admirable characteristics. He made no effort because it was no longer interesting to him. I know it's hard to do what I'm going to tell you, because I also suffered as if I was being a murderer, but... I didn't see another chance. Reading the book about CoDa, I understood that I'm not the only one responsible for maintaining someone in my life, especially when the other person has a manipulative or thankless mental condition. The other person has to be very aware of the effort he has to make, ASD or not. Doesn't matter. You cannot be the global foundation of a relationship. I couldn't either! And do you want to be that person he chooses every other day? Either you are saved or you are swallowed forever in these uncertainties while he feels nothing. It will be very difficult... I also cannot improve emotionally because I miss the person I fell in love with. But slowly I'm killing this mental delusion and trying to think that my life will be healthier without a mental disability tormenting me to do everything myself. I hope you love yourself and take care of yourself. You are more important than him and his studies, aren't you? <3 |
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Joy< 7:55 PM Wed 11th Nov, 2020 |
@Bianca. I was in the same place 10 years ago. My partner relocated with work not long after we got together, so for the first year we saw each other every weekend and spoke often. There was lack of commitment, awful communication and he has also said that he couldn’t be himself with me. That hasn’t changed. Because he hadn’t had any long term relationships previously (we were in our mid 30’s), I put the behaviours down to lack of experience. He too can only do one thing at a time (and that thing is always self focused). He has never opened up on an emotional level and says he shows he cares by ‘doing’ things. 10 years and 1 (ASD) child later (its genetic)...I seem to be in the same place as @Elodie and @Tuppenceworth. Our relationship went down hill very quickly after having our child. The only emotion he shows is anger. It’s like living with a cardboard cutout most of the time. In fact, I think I’d prefer a cardboard figure now. Hugging a bit of board would release a similar amount of Oxytocin. I’ve had a lot of shouting directed at me. I now know these to be ‘melt downs’, followed by ‘shut downs’. Nothing ever resolved, never an apology. I’ve lost my self confidence and my mojo. Emotionally drained. It’s an odd predicament to be in. I’m with a nice, reliable, respectable person. Yet he’s nearly sapped all the joy from my soul. More recently I’ve mentally left the relationship. I’m not quite ready to physically step away. I can already feel my confidence returning. I’m not going to tell you to leave. But please have a jolly good think about you want/expect from a relationship long term. |
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Clare 7:05 PM Wed 11th Nov, 2020 |
carmella and dmc, thanks for the replies, I think he does get stressed with work, as he's had some physical symptoms of stress lately, but never actually says he's stressed. Bianca, I think from what I've learnt in a short space of time, that a.s people are overwhelmed with the effort it takes them to maintain a relationship and they seem to be terrified of labels (ive actually read that too) for them, just saying they are in a relationship is to us like committing to a marriage. I've made sure we've had the sexual exclusivity chat, but apart from that, it helps me to just think of us as good friends who are slowly developing some sort of relationship that may last, may not. Yes we deserve more, but if we really like all the other aspects about somebody and they cannot help how they are, its hard to give up on them, I know. Hope that helps. |
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Alex 3:56 PM Wed 11th Nov, 2020 |
Hi all, in my opinion an ASP person doesn’t understand a relationship the same way we do. So is not useful or safe to expect to be treated with care and respect even if they say they love, care… or whatever word they use. When they seem to not care, is just like this, they don’t care. And it will not change in the future. In my experience there is a conscient desire or need for not compromising. My relationship ended many months ago, but I’m still struggling to understand what happened to me, why I was so stucked into a relationship so unfulfilling, to say briefly, to me. And why I can’t get her out of my mind. Therapy is helping. Thanks to all of you talking about co-dependency and trauma bond, it helped me to see some things about me and go for professional help. Please, read about trauma bond. So ask yourself what do you expect from a relationship and what are you getting now. And have crystal clear that what you are not having now, for sure won’t appear in the future. I have also been there. There is never going to be the day when your ASP will turn to you and say the magic words you always wanted to hear. That just won’t happen. They don’t feel this way and are unable to communicate emotions they don’t have, don’t understand or just overwhelm them. There is not much chance to “work on a relationship” with an ASP. At most you can negotiate some aspects. They work with priority lists depending on the current interest, and humans with our feelings and emotional needs are not set into a special category. We are just like duties, hobbies, pets, objects… So be clear about this, what you have now is how your relationship is going to be. Unless you are discarded without further explanation. |
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Bianca 2:59 PM Wed 11th Nov, 2020 |
Hi All, I need some guidance. My fiancé ended things 8 months ago because he wasn't ready for marriage and didn't know how to just call the wedding off itself, but we have continued seeing each other since then. He is currently doing uni (engineering) and his unable to concentrate on more than 1 thing so he hasn't had the mental capacity to think about making us official again as his focused on uni. We see each other weekly, talk frequently, he says he loves me. he has an issue with communication which his working on His been diagnosed with Aspergers back in 2016 and has ADHD on top of that + clinical depression. He says he doesn't know what the future holds and we could get back together but its going on 8 months & I don't know if its just me getting extremely inpatient and not knowing where I stand but should I continue trying? Whenever I have said I will leave him alone to give him space as I might be distracting him, he always says no its okay you're not distracting me so whenever i give him an out sort of thing he doesn't take it. I tell him I think its because I am apart of his routine and his just used to having me around so his just "stringing me along" but he assured me he is not and his just alot going on with uni so he can't full focus on making us offical. His 100% aspergers with his lack of communication, non affection, no filter, laziness (Note I did not see any of this until we broke up as he was "masking" the majority of our relationship which was 1 year). We fell in love hard and got engaged rather quickly and he admitted he couldn't be "who he was" as he didn't think I would accept him even though I have assured him i have accepted him the way he is. It is just so frustrating with not knowing where I stand as whenever I do bring it up he either changes the subject/ignores my text message as he "doesn't know what to say or how to act when it comes to talking about emotions". He shows me he cares in his own way and is obsessed with his cats (he feels like they don't judge him like other people) but his very non emotional (he didn't cry when his father passed away) due to him getting that Cognitive Therapy and instead of using it to help him open up, they used it to help him "shut down" his emotions. Sorry i think i am just rambling as no one else understands, they all say just cut him off but i know that we do have love between us and we can actually go good, the break up was so out of the blue as he didn't know how to bring it up. Should I keep giving it a go or could it be possible that in the future he has another meltdown and is like, nope i can't do a relationship again sort of thing? |
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Jane 1:15 PM Wed 11th Nov, 2020 |
Hi All, I know that one of the traits of an Aspergers person in the dating relationship is that they may be clueless on how to go about the relationship. How do you know the difference between a neurotypical person who didn't have much experience with girlfriends and someone who actually has Aspergers? Thanks |
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Flá 3:38 AM Wed 11th Nov, 2020 |
I feel like my relationship never ends. Even if the relationship really ended 5 months ago (with only 1 month without contact). My mind remains so disturbed by the lack of recognition that it never came. It's horrible to want him to return with minimal awareness of something that has happened. I'm always saddened by the memories of a man that I valued so much and that every day I wonder if it really was or existed. I liked him so much, but today I cannot say about a characteristic of him that I liked. It's a hole to affirm anything in history. The problem with all this is that I have been intensely blocked with COVID in Brazil for months, after months also in Italy. I haven't had contact with close, real people since last year. I cannot see my friends and the internet is insufficient to strengthen the links. After the relationship trauma I don't want to meet anyone for dating, but I'd like to meet to make new friends. The problem is that I have so much trauma that I can't move towards something new. I don't want to use apps because I have the feeling of meeting thousands of Aspies or problem people (my ex was in a language app). I'm so scared that I'm afraid to find him using the same app as mine, for example. He's a robot that doesn't give up on carnage and resources. What is the suggestion to generate movement? I'm taking care of myself, I do therapy, I walk, I study, I have my projects growing... but it's insufficient after so long without human contact and after a toxic, miserable and indifferent relationship. :( |
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Carmella 3:25 AM Wed 11th Nov, 2020 |
@Claire, I’m sorry no one responded to your post. My husband began doing that “rough play” out of the blue too. Not as serious as pinning me down, but squeezing my leg and pinching me. He had never done that before. It was part of a personality change he had while enduring a tremendous amount of stress at work. Other things were odd about how he acted with me too. He was having a mental breakdown. I know this for a fact. Stay close and do your best to communicate with him that this behavior is not ok, and you’re concerned about where it’s coming from. Good luck. |
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Laurie 10:31 PM Tue 10th Nov, 2020 |
I don't buy the codependency label either. Unless you want to use the definition of it as "trying to make the abnormal normal." Sometimes I think these people just have a seared conscience and I'm supposed to build a life here. No thanks!!! I simply want to and have to remove myself from the equation. |
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Laurie 10:28 PM Tue 10th Nov, 2020 |
Here is an old quote for you, "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." Also, my favorite definition of intuition is "knowing without knowing how we know." |
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David 6:25 PM Tue 10th Nov, 2020 |
I check in now and then, and I don't comment on individual posts because I don't feel comfortable giving advice on an individual level. I will say, however, that a lot of the characteristics being mentioned are obviously not good for any relationship- whether they are attributed to Aspergers, NPD, or some other personality trait becomes unimportant to me. Most of the time these problems are not correctable, as much as we would like to think otherwise, and the best one can hope for is to recognize them early, and then leave. I know, easier said than done, especially if you are married with kids. If we are experiencing self-centered and non-reciprocal behavior in our partners, which is the common thread in most of these posts, we need to look more deeply into ourselves and ask why we wanted someone like that in our lives in the first place. Perhaps they had their mask on, and we didn't realize it at first, or perhaps their "quirkiness" was endearing and made us ignore the warning signs, but eventually the warning signs painfully reveal themselves. I believe that whatever the underlying cause for these behaviors, whether it's Aspergers or something else, we shouldn't try to be therapists. In my experience, therapists themselves aren't very good at diagnosing Aspergers, and if they do, therapists tend to legitimize and enable these behaviors, not improve them. We need to muster enough courage and self-respect to recognize when our partners are hurting us, when our boundaries have been irreversibly crossed, and then we need to move on. It's hard, but necessary, if we are to survive. A little selfishness is sometimes necessary to deal with someone else's selfishness, whatever the cause. The contributors to this forum are, by definition, not selfish people. That is why we find ourselves in a situation in which we continue to give, but receive nothing in return. Perhaps it's time to be a little more selfish. |
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Janet 7:48 AM Tue 10th Nov, 2020 |
Wow am I ever grateful to have found these testimonials. I feel like everything else on the web that deals with dating an Aspie is "the benefits of dating someone with Aspergers" which does nothing but make me feel terrible for not being able to handle it. It's been a few years off and on for us. But this last time back on has been a real eye opener. I've let go of trying to find that first man that I met and fell in love with. He left after about a year. And what a shift it was. It was not just your normal honeymoon period wearing off. He turned into a completely different person. Of course if I ever brought it up I was gaslit into thinking I was crazy. But ya Like so many of you on here I thought I had found the perfect man. I couldn't believe my luck. He was handsome and neat and quirky and honest and kind. He treated me like gold. But that sure changed. Now he's cruel and moody and defensive and argumentative and selfish. I'm walking on eggshells. I do everything for him and get nothing back. I feel completely alone. But I'm going to leave him again and not look back. Thank you to everyone on here for sharing your stories and helping me cope. It's nice to know I'm not crazy. I'm terrified to date again as I'm scared this will happen again. After all, what were the signs? He came across as the perfect man. But honestly, I don't even care if I meet anyone. I'd rather be alone and free, than alone and in a cage. |
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AClark 2:15 AM Tue 10th Nov, 2020 |
I have been married 3 yrs and dated for 1 year before marriage. He is undiagnosed and driving me insane. He love bombed me for 2 years. Then it stopped and the nasty attitude and mood swings hit. I feel like I need to strap on armour before he comes home from work. Eggshells are plenty to walk on. My son had a psychotic episode unrelated to my situation, no comfort or concern for me or my adult child. My mother died 6 months ago, still no comfort or support. My family lives in Texas and I live in Wisconsin. So I feel very alone. My husband and I have alot of friends we ride motorcycles with and some kind of sense he's different. I just recently talked with a few of then about it. He puts up a charming social front but as soon as we get home he can change into a complete asshole. I talk to him about finances and it's like he doesn't get it. I take care of everything. Money, house repairs, yard work, housework, etc. Granted, I'm unemployed right now. But it seems like he doesn't care about anything but himself and his own interest. I don't even talk to him anymore about anything. I keep to myself. I don't feel comfortable really talking to our friends because I don't want to seen like the bad person because he's 'so sweet'. I'm looking for work and my only way to save myself is to make plans to leave. I have been in abusive domestic violent relationships in the past. Stayed single for 18 years. I thought he was different. He definitely is! My adult children and grandchildren like him but he hasn't reached out to connect with them. But he will claim the title. My kids understand what is going on. I feel like I'm going insane some days. |
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Daina 10:09 PM Mon 9th Nov, 2020 |
Hi All, how can you tell if someone is shy vs someone with Aspergers? For they both don't do eye contact well, may be reserved to show physical affection and poor at communicating. Also how do you differentiate a neurological person who has a personality that is unaffectionate vs someone with Aspergers? I am dating someone who I am not sure has Aspergers or not. They explain their behaviours by saying they are reserved. Thank you |
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Elodie 9:23 PM Mon 9th Nov, 2020 |
There is so much I could say to you but I don't want to put you off reading mountains of stuff!! Everything you are saying, all the stuff going round your head on a loop, is stuff I have been through - thinking you're going mad, that you're making it all up, that you're trying to brainwash people into seeing what you're experiencing... Yup, I went through all of that. I had to convince MYSELF first - that was the hard part - because I had this constant backing track of 'he's such a good man' - and yes, he is - but there is nothing behind or beyond that and I realised it was that lack of interest in me, in anything, that was slowly eroding me as a person. I used to be full of vitality and life - and like you, was finding it hard to get the energy even to be a mum. I thought (and he suggested) it was PND. I believed it. Had counselling for that. I went through so much soul searching about myself before I finally worked out that I was not the problem. In terms of whether to bother getting a diagnosis, this is a whole other conversation (!) but I quickly dropped it. He didn't seem to think he had ASD and I thought well whether he has it or not, his behaviour, and how I am feeling (cassandra) is the only proof I need - so what about the label? If a dog barks let's call it a dog, kind of thing. I know what you mean regarding your PR, I really do. But for me, I am not sure I will even bother explaining to people the 'real' reason. I am just going to tell people things didn't work out. Those close to me will get a bit more detail. It is really hard to think you might have people turn their backs on you and they won't understand it because they see the nice guy - but you know what - only YOU know what goes on at home and how you are feeling day to day and even when you try to explain it, not everyone will understand. You asked how I got conviction to leave. It was a combination of reading back over my journal entries (which made me realise I was not going mad), finding this forum and reading other people's entries and being able to identify with so much of what was being said. It took me a few months from figuring out the ASD to ending things and it was an extremely intense period of reading up a lot on ASD and a lot of soul searching. I just realised I would be happier going it alone. Where are you? I am in London. If you wanted to get in touch directly I would be really happy to talk to you / mail. I think admin can organise if you're keen. If not, happy to talk on here. Stay strong - the old you is still in there. xx |
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Tuppenceworth 6:17 PM Mon 9th Nov, 2020 |
My goodness I am sorry for all the typos! |
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Tuppenceworth 4:05 PM Mon 9th Nov, 2020 |
@Paula, thanks Paula as well. The minute I read the Irish reel comment I notice that when I long walk on Sat, I listened to Paul Brady and the third song on the Playliust was the lakes of Pontchartrain, I’ve never really listened to trad music but it really spoke to me and in the country road in Autumn I felt myself. I couldn’t believe you’d wrote that. Are you in Ireland? Like I’ve just said to Elodie, I need to prepare myself to leave and get my courage together and faces all the people who I know will think I’m crazy. You must be a person person to have endured the loneliness for so long. You’re right I know the answer I just need to start trusting myself. |
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Tuppenceworth 3:54 PM Mon 9th Nov, 2020 |
@Elodie. Thanks for taking the time to write. I admire you so much, you believed in yourself and went through with. It funny my husband is such a good person, I feel like I’ve made it all up and brainwashing people. So until I get to the bottom of that I can’t do anything. A friend did say to me, why difference with a diagnosis make. Selfishly it was go some way in helping me feel better about leaving, it help my PR (!) which is ridiculous really and not brave. How were you sure, how did you manage to feel such conviction to leave? I feel so guilty and I know and I shouldn’t care but some of my own family members will turn their backs on me. And meanwhile he’s just goes along with whatever and continues to act like everything is normal. He’s just leaving it up to me. |
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DMC 5:19 AM Mon 9th Nov, 2020 |
Regarding the other things about playing hard, he also do it sometime. The more I react like I want free myself the more he grab me harder and block me. Sometime I have to say stop several time because he doesn’t listen to the first couple of times I say it. |
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DMC 5:16 AM Mon 9th Nov, 2020 |
Claire, I have this experience. My partner behave exactly like this. I get the cold shoulder whenever I call out some bad behavior to him. And I mean bad behavior in the sense of bad. Like insults or even manipulation or lies. If I cry as reaction to something he did or say he ignores me and stop even talking to me. He used the pillow or shoved me away several times during our relationship in the same way your partner did with you and after something similar. |
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clare 4:35 AM Mon 9th Nov, 2020 |
Hi, im just wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience. Things have mostly been going well with my aspie man since we reunited a few months ago when he finally told me he was on the spectrum, but in the last couple of weeks he has got into a strange habit of play fighting with me to the point of hurting me. He will squeeze me too tight, try to bend my fingers or neck, or pin me down and try to give me a sadistic style massage with his elbows until I scream. Its like he really doesn't understand that he's causing me physical pain! Its almost like its his way of flirting because I tried to laugh about it the first time. Also in the last couple of weeks, he's told me a couple of times that I'm thick and stupid which made me cry. He couldn't seem to understand why I'd got upset because "it was a fact" I said he was missing the point but it was like talking to a wall. I couldn't tell if he was bothered or not that he'd made me cry, but that night he slept with a big pillow between us & didn't want to touch me, even though he seemed fine and I said I'd forgiven him. Strange is all I can say! Im gutted because things were going so well, but i should have know it couldn't last, and now I'm thinking I might need to end it again. |
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DMC 4:05 AM Mon 9th Nov, 2020 |
I don’t know what to do anymore. It is really like we talk a different language. But the thing is that I cannot even think that his abusive characteristic come from having autism. Feels like he is always trying to get validation and everything he does is not because he cares but because he just want to be complimented. He cheated on me and did all the bad things cheaters does: lied, con me, blame me, make me believe I was overreacting and demeaning my feelings of sadness. He didn’t want to be called out and couldn’t see me sad but not because he was caring for me, just because he could deal with his actions. I went to a therapist because I thought I was borderline or going crazy. I went away for a while but then I came back home and I was trying to forgive him but he didn’t want to talk about it anymore and I just wanted to understand if he is really meaning that he was remorseful. Everything I talk with him feels like he is not really remorseful for how his actions affected the relationship and my mental and emotional health but more remorseful of gettin caught. But all this ability of lieing and pretending are not a characteristic of autism. He started also saying that I am not sensitive enough for his autism when I call him out when he treat me badly. I know that maybe rudeness is something someone with autism have, but I call him out when he personally demean me or just really treat me badly like doing really unfair critiques. I am really confused. Am I a bad person for not understanding this behavior? |
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Elodie 3:29 AM Mon 9th Nov, 2020 |
This is for Tuppenceworth. I could have almost written every word of your testimonial. The parts about wanting to show your children the magic of the world in particular struck a chord. I am in a similar length relationship and like you, have two young children. I had visions of how it would be having children and it has been a far cry from that. I have done practically all of the parenting on my own, every idea / thought / decision comes from me. My partner is undiagnosed but after much reading and research I have decided he must have ASD. After so much time of being sad and let down and lonely and everything else everyone experiences as a partner of an ASD, I took the decision to break up with him. It was not easy and I felt awful breaking up the family but I do strongly feel it will be the best for all of us in the long term. We are still living together but I am already feeling joy and seeing glimpses of the person I used to be. I want you to know there is hope and life can be good again. I felt trapped and like I had lost all feeling. No joy, just flat all the time. I realised it was time to end it when I knew he was never going to make me happy. |
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Paula 8:57 PM Sun 8th Nov, 2020 |
This is for Tuppenceworth please read your last sentence in your post over and over again as I did before I wrote to you.I too am married to a good man good father etc. with the engagement interest or ability of a gnat. Although I now live separately from my husband of 27 years we are not divorced. I thought I was showing my kids a different kinder way to be. But the harsh reality I am facing at 60 was I was too scared of the opinion of my family and friends who saw him differently than I and I didn't think I could live with that condemnation. Went out for coffee this morning and took it to the ocean. An Irish reel came on the radio and I remembered the girl who loved to dance all those years ago. Show your kids self love and advocacy so that they can learn to do it too...be who you were before and let your husband be who he is. Leave when you're ready . I think if I had left earlier we both would have been freed from the daily disappointment. |
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Psyc RN 10:40 AM Sun 8th Nov, 2020 |
Jenny, First, even though it feels like it, you are not alone; we know your pain, and we are sharing in support. I am a retired professional nurse, and even I am in this mess, not once, but several times over ...This information was not readily available during my young years. I am caught up in a lonely situation myself, though I suspect from your story you are much younger than I am. Therefore, this in itself is cause for celebration...You have learned early on what to be wary of. I read a lot about co-dependence, etc., and I disagree with that suggestion here...We are most likely not codependent; we are more likely trauma-bonded... There is a huge difference. With trauma bonding, the chemicals in the brain cause us to "need" the fix of the abuser, which is why it is called mental abuse...Intermittent reward is the most powerful brain washing, accomplished with reward interspersed with punishment to make the other feel that it is their fault for the abuse, when it's really a (sick) projection of the abuser...That is not codependency. Stockholm syndrome describes trauma bonding very well. Self love (which is self respect) is the antidote to this madness. On another note, speaking of medicine, I still get breakouts myself (!), though what keeps my skin clear is the blue light; I use Light Stim, and it works. As far as feeling like you will be alone forever....Remember that it is a feeling, which always changes with your thoughts; sad thoughts make us feel sad. When we replace sad thoughts with happy ones (even funny ones), we can't help but feel differently....I had a back injury a couple days ago...And in recovery I accidentally watched a silly movie (while trying to rest from the pain) that my ash had on a monitor while he was sleeping, and I started giggling! Then I was hurting from laughing using muscles that were injured! Change your thoughts..Change your life...So, even in my early sixties, I am taking my own advice....Love and light to you.... |
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Tuppenceworth 7:15 AM Sun 8th Nov, 2020 |
I feel like I’m on the brink of a breakdown. I’m a married five years with two young kid. Since I married I feel like me and my life and who I am is being suffocated. I thought for the first years that it was my, maybe post natal depression or tiredness or even that I had crazy expectations. But I know that’s not the case now, but feeling so damaged and trapped. I am a blue print of a Cassandra. I don’t know what’s left of me and all i see is a dark tunnel ahead. My husband is the kindest man or the most obliging man, but without an original thought or idea of his own. No thoughts on life, zero curiosity, no need to connect. He doesn’t really even want or need to know me. What does he want from me?! I’ve asked and asked and I now I have to give up, as it’s causing me so much pain. We’ve had therapy individual and marriage and Aspergers has come up a lot. He has an appointment in a few months, but I just cannot live in this sterile emotionless world any more. He does not want to engage. He is a good father though in a very simple way. That I am so thankful for. It’s like all the demensions, colour and life had just gone and I know not that my gut feeling after we married was right, there is something so very off. I wish I had more strength. I’ve used it all up getting through the weeks and telling myself that I’m lucky and grateful for what I have. But I’m married to a robot or someone who is so so so repressed, he’s so good natured but it is now starting to give me the creeps. Someone described being married to a piece of cardboard, that’s exactly what it like. We never talk, we never have adult conversations, I am dying with loneliness. I was so strong and full of life and hope and why life can bring and I want to show my kids the magic of the world. But right now I can barely get out of bed. I hate the weekends cause it’s just us. I don’t want to take his kids from him but I’m starting to realise that I am not surviving anymore. |
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Vicky 4:42 AM Fri 6th Nov, 2020 |
Jenny - you are going through situational depression if you didn't suffer from depression prior to this relationship. If you did, I would strongly recommend you start reading anything you can find that may help you cope. Reading and communicating with others that have been in these types of relationship can help. However, you have to be willing to start realizing how unhealthy that relationship was and start working on loving yourself and finding joy. Everything in life is temporary as is your present pain over a specific person. I spent 21 years with a soul sucking joyless ASP and my self esteem was shot. I also had many people that were dependent on me staying with him including his mother. I walked away for my sanity and in 5 months I feel like an entirely new person. If you allow others to influence you then your happiness will never be a priority. You are worthy of happiness and being loved in a way that you absolutely know for sure you are loved. I realized I spent 21 years trying to understand what was going on and why I felt so miserable. My Ash was a kind and sweet person but had no idea how to meet my needs by spending time with me and having a good time. He was constantly a kill joy and nothing was ever good enough. Now that I no longer have to try and make him happy in order to receive a crumb of time or help. I wake up every day (meditate for about an hour first) and I smile and am content. |
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Jane 4:32 AM Fri 6th Nov, 2020 |
Jenny, I am so sorry you're in so much pain. You have a lot of people out here rooting for you. There is so much to respond to here-- and mostly I want to echo everyone else and say you made THE BEST choice for yourself. You are saving your own life. But I mostly wanted to flag one thing you wrote-- if that acne medicine is what I think it is, very severe depression is often a side effect. For my friend, the depression happened very very fast and it was bad. I would strongly recommend that you consider your current emotional condition before starting on something that could rob you of your perspective completely. Please please consult with your doctor, and be honest about where you are. More to come, but I wanted to wave the red flag here as soon as possible. |
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Helpless 4:32 AM Fri 6th Nov, 2020 |
Have you ever felt so hopeless and helpless and worthless at the same time? I have for months...I had hope for this amazing man who was masking for months until I got to know him. Now I see his true self and the worse it has gotten for me. I have lost the joy I felt before meeting him. I have done nothing but help to make his life better and in return I feel like an emotional punching bag. I can't do anything right, everything is my fault. Emotionally I am drained, anxiety has filled my days and I have no energy to participate with anything. Jenny, please don't look back. We aren't committed to these men who treat us so poorly. I completely understand how you feel. I am a strong, independent women. I have a great life and I keep going back to this man for more, and I have absolutely no idea why I do this. I look in the mirror and ask myself WHY! EXCEPT...I've had to admit I've been being abuse and sadly this is the cycle. |
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JUST SAY NO 3:54 AM Fri 6th Nov, 2020 |
This message is for Lena in response to your post on 10/26 at 7:31pm. Please...if there is one thing I can tell you with absolute certainty and concern for your future and well being...if he has AS this WILL NOT end well for you. I went into my relationship of 6 years with the EXACT same thoughts that you mentioned in your post. I fell deeply in love and thought he was the one for me. ITS NOT REAL. I was a strong, very independent, outgoing, fun, charismatic woman. After the love bombing phase of about two years ended and the abuse cycles started, I was left as a shell of myself. Literally felt as if he sucked out my soul. You don't want to learn this answer the hard way. Listen to your gut! DO NOT ignore the red flags. Why is he so wonderful and different from everyone else? Because he is not being genuine and yes, its too good to be true. I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and I'm happy to help you navigate this if you need someone. If I could save someone from the emotional torture that I experienced, I would do anything to help. I'm in my 2nd year of recovery from the abuse/PTSD. Trust me when I say, its INTENSE. I wish no one ever had to experience this type of pain and I'm extremely sad I can't go back to my life where I never even knew that pain existed. When I thought the majority of people were good. Slowly but surely, I'll heal...but it was questionable for a long long time. Take care of yourself! |
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Miel 11:08 PM Thu 5th Nov, 2020 |
@Jenny It’s chemical. You were attached to him and the up/down abuse cycle he created kept things exciting. Now, your chemistry is taking a dive and it’s like you’re withdrawing from a drug. The safest drug to help this pain is serious exercise. Do it until you can hardly say his name. It’ll take about a week before that deep depression improves but you’ll be able to make clear rational decisions in a month. (Put everyone off for a month if that alleviates your guilt.) I guarantee, you’ll meet someone new at your campus gym. It’s where young men your age go to boost their own self esteem. Workout boredom makes them good listeners and they get a beneficial testosterone boost from helping you reject him. It’s win,win. |
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Nadia 10:30 PM Thu 5th Nov, 2020 |
Jenny, I meant to add that it is not safe to take some acne medications when you are feeling depressed. Please reconsider the timing of this. I know you are young and I remember thinking few things were more important than how I looked, but the truth is, your emotional well being is so much more important. Many think that if they look their best, everything else will fall into place, but that is not the way it goes. This trauma has to take priority, and there are other options for your acne, in the meantime. Most of us learned the hard way about priorities, so please believe the wisdom of years and experience, on this forum. Please take care of yourself from the inside out, first. I'm praying and wishing you Godspeed with your recovery. |
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Mouse 10:27 PM Thu 5th Nov, 2020 |
Hi Jenny, leaving some one who used to take up all of ur attention, thoughts and feelings, will leave a huge gap! It might be that u chose him, and stayed with him for three years, because he did excactly that. We as humans tend to attach to whoever we r close to for a longer period of time, even if they r not nice to us, or good to have around. Cutting that bond is always painfull. Also, when in a dramatic intense relationsship, we never need to make our own plans, figure out who we r, or what we want to do, or find important in life. We r constantly engaged and distracted from that job, by all the emotional drama. For that reason, the empty space he used to fill out, might feel worse, than the drama of being with him. If when growing up, we didden't somehow learn to make our own plans, and find our wishes and plans important, we r simply out of practice with doing that! So being with someone who distracts us from the scary task, might FEEL like a better idea, but usually isn't. Grieving a three year emotinally turbulant relationship will simply take some time, but it will get better! If ur relationsship has been violent, don't go back. It will probably not get better. Stay safe! |
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Nadia 9:58 PM Thu 5th Nov, 2020 |
Jenny, First of all, you can live without him, and you can heal and go on to have a healthy life. You have experienced abuse, and you are feeling the effects of that abuse. Most of us need a professional to help us understand and process what and why we tolerated. It's not easy, but it's part of the process. The people who are telling you that you made a mistake, are invalidating your experience. The people who are calling you are known in the field of psychology as, flying monkeys, and they are on the side of the abuser, to keep you stuck and confused. Maybe they realize that he is an abuser, and maybe they dont, but either way, it's invalidating to you. I know it's scary, and I know it's confusing, but once the fog lifts, and you have had time away from the abuse, you will be back on this site, trying to help others move on. You will truly be shocked that you ever considered tolerating a relationship like this, because you will have the knowledge and truth of the dynamics, and the effects those dynamics had. Right now, what you need is some support and help for the anxiety, confusion, and pain. Think of the little girl within, that innocent, loving, little girl. What do you want for her? What does she deserve? We are all deserving of dignity, respect, civility, and love. I believe we are here on Earth to connect and love one another. To strive to be the best version of ourselves. It's impossible if our partner's stagnate our growth. Abusive relationships keep us from growing, and worse, do not allow us to live our truth. Nobody has the right to hurt us, and when we find ourselves in pain due to an intimate relationship, we owe it to ourselves to find our way through. We deserve to live life in a way that enables us to grow, and thrive, not merely survive. Something is giving you the message that being with him is better than being without him, but that message is wrong. If this man has abused you in any way, shape, or form, than that message is wrong, and you have to explore where that message came from, and start changing those messages, to the correct ones. We were meant to live our lives, not the lives that others want us to live. When we tolerate abuse, we are not living our lives, we are living the abuser's life. I urge you to be around people who are listening to your pain, and have your best interests at heart. I also think you would benefit from a person experienced in trauma recovery. You deserve to get through this. Your life matters, you matter, Jenny. |
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Jenny 8:45 AM Thu 5th Nov, 2020 |
I have never been this depressed in my life. Is there anyone on here that would perhaps be able to talk to me? I don’t know if I can live without him. He was the only person I had that I could talk to about anything and everything without judgement. I don’t care if he hit me or upset me. Being without him is worse than hell. I don’t know if any of you have gone through this in your break up? I have people telling me I’ve done the wrong thing, his mum messaged me as if I was unfair in talking to him how I did during the breakup. I think I was too harsh. I should’ve been nicer when leaving, I left him with a huge paragraph of everything he’d done, even said I never enjoyed our sex as I felt violated. I can’t believe I was so mean to the person I have loved for three years. I feel the most guilt I have ever and will ever experience again. He was not always nasty, he was so loving sometimes and would hug me when I was sad and I could go to him when I had a problem and he’d no judge me for it. I have literally no one now I seem to just push everyone away and I can’t come back from this. I’ve unfriended all of his family, upset them and him with how I went about breaking up with him to the point where if I did go back, it’d be even more of an embarrassment as this is. I have one friend at uni and I feel like I’m a burden with these constant melt downs as I don’t know normal anymore. The relationship was so intense and he was so intense I don’t know how to carry on without him. I’m in desperate need of help but I can’t get therapy as I need to look stable for my new acne medication. It’s going to make my acne so much worse but I know he’d be there for me when I was feeling my lowest. Man alive I’m not doing well |
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Fooled 8:14 AM Thu 5th Nov, 2020 |
I've been reading everyone's posts on this site ever since I broke up with my High-Functioning Autistic Ex towards the beginning on the COVID shutdowns. It's helped me out immensely too! My ex and I dated for just over 1-year, and it started out, like many others here, with me thinking that I had met the love of my life, despite our 18-year age difference (he was older). I've known several people, who were diagnosed with Aspergers, throughout my life, but I too missed all of the obvious signs in the beginning; like the fact that he wore the same outfit every day, because of sensory aversion to seams and tags in clothing, so he choose these same wool T-Shirts every day that could be worn inside-out without looking to obvious. He hasn't held a job and years, and I could tell that he would almost prefer to live in a box, before having to seek work. He had almost no social life. He also kept refused to visit at my place, and insisted that I come to his place always around his terms, and always had me adhere to his schedule. The one time I got him to drive to my place, I figured out why he never drove anywhere, and it was because driving caused him anxiety. Getting him to go to a group event, or just a public event was like pulling teeth. He also told me early on that he went to college for Physiology, not because he wanted to pursue a career in the field, but because he knows he feels/senses the world differently than most people and he was desperate to try and understand more on how most people think. Only after 1month together, things abruptly turned sour; he consistently was always trying to prove his superior IQ to me. He never said even one good thing about me after the first 1month, and made me feel completely worthless, yet at the end of the day he always wanted me to be with him and and told me he loved me; I was never able to say I love you back to him anymore, because it just didn't feel sincere that he could say this to me, after constantly making me feel like a failure all day. Nothing that I ever did was right, according to what he told me. On top of that, he had to top everything that I told him with a story, and most of his stories made me question whether he even heard me; yet, when I discussed something with him, and tried to give an example by telling a story he would almost always say "I've heard this story before. You really need to get your memory checked, because it's like you have Alzheimer's", and I knew that I had told it to him before, but it was always relevant to what I was trying to point out, and this action, again, made me question whether he ever really heard me. The silent treatment was common in our relationship. Finally, one of the truly most messed up things about him, is he told me early on that he felt Birthday's were dumb, because you are no different on that one day than the day before. Therefore, I was not the least bit surprised when my birthday went by not being acknowledged by him. Yet, when his Birthday month arrived, he posted on social media, everyday, that it was his birthday month, and he arrogantly expected to be treated, by me, for his birthday; constantly bringing up that he looked forward to his gift and having me take him out to dinner. Additionally, he was always offering to help and was very helpful in fixing things before we got together, and in our first month together. After the first month together though, he'd still insist on letting him fix something for me, but he'd never get to it, no matter how much I'd stress that it was important; he would just say "I'm sorry", or have a childish melt-down after I pointed out that something important to me wasn't getting done, even though it was he who insisted on doing it weeks or months earlier. He didn't tell me before until the day that we broke up, that he had been diagnosed with Aspergers in the early 90s, but I had already become pretty sure that he was a HF-Autistic person by the time we had been dating 9mos. So many issues that we were having could only be explained by him being on the spectrum, or maybe borderline personality disorder. All intimacy had ceased to exist in our relationship, after only 1.5mos, as well. Now, I do admit to being codependent in this relationship; my closest friends cannot believe how long I stuck up for him and stayed with him. It was always me putting in all of the effort, and trying to make things work between us after the first 1.5mos. If it were not for the COVID shutdowns, that finally caused me to snap, I do not know how long I would've still put up with the abuse. The whole experience put significant strain on my self esteem, which is still effecting me to this day! Leaving him wasn't easy either, because in the first few weeks he didn't seem to get that it was over between us, based on the messages he still sent me daily. Once he realized it was over, he became really scary, and almost suicidal sounding, tormenting me with dozens of messages, that made me terrified that he was about to walk off a bridge. This didn't stop until I blocked him from on all social media, and from my phone. Hopefully this helps someone else, struggling to recover from the trauma of being with someone on the spectrum. |
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Adrienne 1:49 AM Thu 5th Nov, 2020 |
Elise, I have been with my undiagnosed husband for 10 years. He has told me on numerous occasions that if I get sick, or debilitated in any way, he will leave me because that would be an inconvenience. I thought he was joking, in the beginning, but reading your story and others makes me realize he is being honest. I hope you can find the woman you once were again. I know I look forward to a day when I can be me again. |
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Flá 6:47 AM Tue 3rd Nov, 2020 |
Dear Jenny, I know you want to end the relationship in a decent way with your boyfriend, after all you're the part that genuinely cared and loved. I believe that many NT people on the forum, or almost all of them, tried to make deals, tried to smooth the way out as friends many times. I wanted it that way too. But it's just too common that there isn't such possibility. Keeping in touch or friendship is a way of maintaining abuse, as they suck your energy and are always selfish and one-sided. I aaaalso tried! The reaction you want him to have or the "best form" just won't exist, in my opinion. You don't need to suffocate more from guilt and tears any longer because finally you're strong to fight for your freedom and your happiest moment in life. In the end, you already knew the answer and you also knew that you have fought enough and sacrificed yourself enough. We all know here, I'm sure! You know what your limit is, think about it. It doesn't matter if you spent 3 years with him or more... You'll have many years with stories that are much happier and less compromising on your sanity. There are many people waiting for you in the world to truly love you, with a history of true complicity. You have already understood that you're the most precious person in your life. As some people have already written on the forum, he will do anything to get back with you or even prevent it from ending. These people can be cruelly manipulative and rascal when they are guided by their syndromes. With diseases and disorders, we aren't heroines. I say this because I was also a victim of this manipulation and had a hard time getting out of my two-year relationship. While I was scared to death and trying to achieve harmony, my partner was angry at the problem created by me and he did the "dirty job" of excluding me from everything like rubbish. This is how they do it when they realize that you are creating turmoil and they will have to predict a future problem with a very stressful routine disorder. Just before you're the "murderer" of your own story, try to end up with a definitive cut by yourself. It doesn't matter that he doesn't understand, my ex never understood until the end.. It's a matter of disability and something without possibilities. You aren't guilty or responsible for this. Abuse is abuse and you aren't the person who should argue to death about how bad you feel. Action is what matters! Life is always faster for them than for us. He will be more agitated about breaking the routine instead of caring about what you represent or your feelings. You'll have broken feelings and need to walk away to take care of yourself with a lot of love and care! Be strong and enjoy your family, friends or therapy support if possible. Be away from him when announcing the break up. It was just that way that I managed to leave. Don't forget to research Codependency and start thinking more about yourself and your needs. You're young and can do this path very intelligently! :) I wish you the best and trust yourself! <3 |
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Jenny 5:59 AM Tue 3rd Nov, 2020 |
I broke up with him. I told him respectfully, that I cannot continue with him after all he has managed to do to me. However, he seemed to think I left because I did something to him when this is not the case. I’ve blocked him on everything and I feel the most overwhelming sense of loss. His routine that he bashed into me is straining my understanding of what I should be doing now I’m all alone again. I feel so lonely. He’s such an intense person to be around, he consumed my entire existence and now there’s nothing. I know I am better off without him but I can’t help but feel incredibly guilty for leaving him all alone and I miss him terribly. I don’t think I’ve ever cried as much as I have done today. I sent a massive paragraph of what he had done to me, abusing and disrespecting me the entire relationship in an attempt to prevent him blaming me for being unfair in leaving him and then ultimately stalking me/harassing me after the breakup. I feel so unbelievably guilty in leaving him with that paragraph and then blocking him immediately after. He means so much to me still that I feel completely and utterly messed up now that he’s no longer around. He used to make me call him every single night for the entire night and I’m dreading going to bed without calling him. My mum is sobbing as she misses him too and I can’t help but feel responsible. |
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Bridgette 4:15 AM Tue 3rd Nov, 2020 |
Jenny...Just leave. Tell him when you are safely away from him. Get to where you need to go and call him later. |
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Elise 9:14 PM Mon 2nd Nov, 2020 |
Although I have been using this site for quite a while, this is the first time I have got the courage to contribute. I have been with my ASD husband for 20 years. I am 68 and he is 71. Before I met him I was a strong, independent woman living alone, working and I knew who I was. After 20 years of this emotional hell I am no longer aware of who I am or what I want in life. My husand is very generous and has tried hard to change to make me happy. However, I feel like a roommate rather than a wife. Like many of you on this site, he started the relationship by being the perfect partner. After two previous marriages and several other long relationships I though I had hit gold with him. We very quickly moved in together and all seemed to be well. I remember telling my Aunt that he was the best thing that had ever happened to me. After about 18 months I ecame ill with a life threatening disease. It hadn't occured to me that he would be anything other than loving and caring whilst I went through treatment. I couldn't have been more wrong. I would even go so far as to say that he treated me as if I was an inconvenience. To cut a long story short I recovered but from then on couldn't get it out of my mind how he had treated me. As time went on I have exhausted myself to try and find the person I fell in love with. I have now realised finally (after trying to talk to him this morning) that that person does not exist. I often wonder where that sociable, intellingent, independent person that I was when I met him, has gone. I feel a lot older than my years and sometimes feel that there is nothing left for me to live for. I don't feel I can do anything at the moment but wait until I can at least get away on my own for a couple of weeks (due to COVID). Please, if anyone is starting to suspect that their partner has ASD don't be fooled into thinking they will change. They won't. Get out while you can. I love my husband very much. He is basically a decent human being. However, I am drowning in a sea of neglect in terms of respect and validation. |
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paula 9:02 PM Mon 2nd Nov, 2020 |
This in response to Cassandrs's question about relating to an adult child with Aspergers. Oh Casandra I am so sorry for your distress.I too have a 27 year old who is detached. She is happily married but I no longer fit into her world. She is content with her life and I am left reeling from the grief of disappointment. She visits my separated AS husband frequently but very rarely calls me. When we do talk I find myself anxious to not say anything that would offend her making things worse. I have two children and a husband on the spectrum ,which in my particular situation means no conflict ever gets resolved. No matter how kind and calm and humble I express my feelings regarding a certain situation I am met with zero response because they shut down. Motherhood was my hearts deepest desire but it has not been as rewarding or fulfilling as I thought it would be.I am painfully trying to reorient myself into learning how to nurture and love the "me" before I was a mother and now that my kids are grow. Sending you compassion. |
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Jenny 7:13 PM Mon 2nd Nov, 2020 |
I’m planning on leaving him tomorrow. I’m really struggling. I’ve told my parents whom I’m still living with (I was planning on moving out with him soon) that he has been abusing me and I made my mum sob. I have no idea what I’m going to say to him. He came to visit my family last weekend as it had been planned for ages. I couldn’t pluck up the courage at that time to cancel it, when he was getting ready to leave my house I had a breakdown and told him that I’m unhappy with being with him. I said some more specific things that may help him understand how I feel more, such as the old people on the bus make me feel depressed as I bet the old woman’s husband hadn’t ever done the things my partner has done to me. I’d think to myself if I was her, how would I see my partner when he’s all old and frail after everything he’s done to me. My partner didn’t care that I was crying as per usual and was more concerned with that I may break my promise to marry him. He made me promise to marry him again and then proceeded to appear theatrically depressed to make me feel guilty in confiding in him my feelings. I’m just venting to you guys as you all seem to understand my situation perfectly. I have family coming over before our lockdown is put in place and I’m going to have to tell them all and I’m so embarrassed that I was so spineless in letting this continue for three years. I’ve gotten to the point I’m crying everyday all day. I have stopped telling him I love him back too as I’ve grown to hate him, yet he doesn’t care. I don’t think he’s ever loved me and it’s heartbreaking. Any advice on how to break up with him would be appreciated thank you |
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Jenny 5:01 PM Sat 31st Oct, 2020 |
Thank you all so much for your support. It has given me the confidence to confide in my uni classmates who have since become close friends. Before this, I had no one as my partner didn’t want me to. I have taken your advice in and will leave of my own accord when I’m able to. Thank you all again. |
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Mary 10:07 PM Fri 30th Oct, 2020 |
@Jenny. Your description of your relationship has haunted me for several day since I first read it. It is abusive regardless of whether your partner has AS. And my heart breaks to think that your expectations of what a healthy relationship is, will be forever scarred by this traumatic, abusive, emotionally devastating victimization that you have endured for 3 years at the hands of this man. You are only 20, and I know this is your first relationship. You need to get out immediately, heal, and then open yourself up to someone who will mutually participate in a healthy, loving exchange. Someone who will cherish you. Someday you will look back and see your departure from this nightmare as the turning point in your life. As for how to get out: Please, seek the advice of your local Women's Shelter. They will have resources. I'm not exaggerating or being dramatic: If you give him a heads-up that you are leaving, you will see a (temporary, contrived, manipulative) turnaround in him that will leave you second-guessing. You will be surprised at how suddenly he will seem to start behaving better ... until he doesn't anymore. True to form. And you will feel even more stuck, like a jail prisoner who made a failed escape attempt and is now beaten down. So you will need to have a firm plan and good support, because abusers like your partner do not like to let go easily. I know this sounds harsh, and alarmist, and over-the-top... but while you are in these kinds of relationships, you end up so depleted and beaten-down and in a fog of his creation that you cannot see the reality of how much you are suffering. You also cannot accurately see how much strength you can actually marshal in yourself, to leave him. It's learned helplessness. But you can do this, Jenny. Your friends are right -- No Contact is the best way to leave. Any other method will leave the door open for him to try to wheedle his way back in. But do get some good advice from community resources. There are also great resources online, and many books dealing with how to leave abusive relationships. Good luck to you. |
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Nadia 9:13 PM Fri 30th Oct, 2020 |
Jenny, The following is just my opinion, but it is based on a lot of research, and my personal experience. You must keep your plans from your partner. No discussion on the decision to leave, or the reasons. You have to have a plan, especially with the resources you will need. But first, you have to educate yourself even further on what you are experiencing regarding the "trauma bond", or you will find yourself getting sucked back into the vortex, and confused. It is easier to resist the "love bombing" phase if you truly understand it for what it is. Also, once you leave, it is vital to go "no contact", if you are able, and if no children, businesses, and/or finances, are involved, then this includes, no means of communication, or even "checking out", things like FB, Twitter, etc. Nothing. You will find that your head will clear little by little, once away from this abuse. When you have everything that you need set up, only then do you have a trusted confidant help you move out, and only then is it that he will learn of it. This is the safest, most effective way to go about it. You owe him nothing. You owe yourself everything. You must understand and believe that, in order for you to not use "cognitive dissonance", which will only confuse you and keep you stuck. There is a ton of information available on how to leave an abusive relationship, as well as anonymous hotlines that will guide you and offer you the resources needed. Utilize these, as you don't ever have to divulge your name, and can remain anonymous. You are on this site because you cognitively are aware that this relationship is a problem, but, you are not only trauma bonded, you are using what most of us have used throughout these relationships. "Cognitive Dissonance", which is when our brain is not in harmony with our emotions. We may know something to be true, but we tell ourselves that it isn't really that way, or that bad, or what we are feeling is because somehow we are to blame. No! Keep educating yourself, keep sharing on this site, take advantage of resources, and give yourself the self care that is vital, to move on. |
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maggie 1:59 PM Fri 30th Oct, 2020 |
Also Nadia's fantastic comment .." It is my opinion that if we were emotionally healthy people, with our own sense of self, we wouldn't have tolerated this disorder at all. It never would have been our choice to become involved. I dont think, for the most part, this just happened to us. I believe whatever we carried from childhood made it a perfect fit for a relationship with an ASD person." 100% true, I have never had a sense of self, didn't know what a self was until recently, emotional abuse & brainwashed as a child to ignore myself and do what others wanted. Perfect wife for my ASD husband. |
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maggie 1:46 PM Fri 30th Oct, 2020 |
Yes Nadia running parallel to everything in daily life today is the surreal truth that I've invested everything and overextended myself for decades for this man and this life, born 2 children, one of whom has Aspergers, even writing this I can't explain my feelings, and yes words are hard to utter. It's profound grief. My intuition tells me I am trauma bonded. So that is my present challenge to really get a grip on what this means and recover. You are right, my relationship also has been a facade and a lie, and to think I too have poured myself into this for decades thinking it was the right thing to do, while it was always futile is too much for my battered mind to fully absorb. I appreciated both yours and Fla's wise words to Jenny, I hope she considers them carefully. Her words hit me hard: "I’m just so worried that I’m never going to experience real love, where all the feelings are genuine. Am I missing out on something?" Yes Jenny you are, listen to people here and take care of yourself |
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Memory Does Not Serve 6:09 AM Fri 30th Oct, 2020 |
My ex HFA partner used to think all conversations had to include a story (memory) from his life. He would compulsively add a story to every single one of mine. If I expressed sadness about a disappointment regarding work he would tell me about a random friend he had in high school who was also disappointed when something happened to him. I would just look at him, like, why are you telling me this. I finally got the nerve to point it out to him and he said he had such vivid recall people just can't relate. I asked him about why felt the need to always share his memories. He couldn't understand why it would be annoying and would say, "Don't you want to know me?" This was his way of justifying telling me any memory from his history I couldn't care less about. He would be excited to share the most mundane story from his youth (he's 48). He would talk incessantly about exes because his memories were just so vivid and I was supposed to think that was great? He didn't care who his audience was either. I caught him telling his neighbor, as she was unloading groceries, about a delicious meal he had eaten. She smiled and nodded but I could see she had no clue what to say in response. I felt this way with him often. He also refused to agree that this was unusual behavior or that it was related to his Aspergers. He swore it made him a good story-teller and proved he was superior with his memory. Does anyone else here relate to HFA people being obsessed with memories? This guy could NOT think about the future much at all. It was like he was stuck in the past and thought everyone would be interested in it. Oddly, he wouldn't remember details about trips we had taken in more recent history. I'm wondering if this was just a tic. |
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Jenny 5:14 AM Fri 30th Oct, 2020 |
Thank you all those who responded to me, literally sobbed reading them as I waited for my bus ride home. Do you have any advice on how to leave? He has controlled every single minute aspect of my being and I have no spine to know how to do it myself. I’ve finally actually opened up to two friends about his abuse and treatment of me for the three years I’ve been with him. They are very insistent on me leaving ASAP and although I agree with them 100%, I am still struggling so much with the idea of being without him. I need him and he most certainly needs me. Any breakup advice would be great as I don’t want it to be violent or end up being aggressive towards me in doing so. He’s made me feel so undoubtedly unworthy of love, that I’m ugly and no one else would want me or cope with being with me. I’m scared that when I leave, I’ll be alone forever. My friends want me to write him a long message and once sent, block him. However this feels so cold and harsh to do to someone I’ve cherished for three years. I want to wait for our next argument as they tend to get heated, he usually does something to warrant me leaving him during those violent outbursts which is when I feel I’d feel less guilty for leaving. However, I think he’s sussed that I want to leave and is being incredibly stubborn in that whatever I say he won’t react to or listen or care. He used to react so violently whenever I went out with friends but now he’s tolerating it as I seem in his words “distant and more confident”. Please help, any more advice on how I should approach this in taking his disorder into account also will be greatly appreciated. Thank you x |
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Flá 11:03 PM Thu 29th Oct, 2020 |
Dear Jenny, you have found the right forum for many of the answers you're looking for. His experience can be found in almost all other people's testimonials, including what can be expected from a future relationship with a person on the spectrum. It's difficult to advise someone who is in the place that I was once, but... if I were younger like you and knew it earlier, I would never have continued or insisted so much that I lost myself and made the sacrifices I made . Today I'm still recovering as if I were leaving the war, while he lives his normal, worry-free life. He travels, he studies, he does everything he wants and has everything he wants from others. Is that what you want for yourself? Because it's a fact that a relationship with a person on the spectrum you'll have to choose between you or him - hard and difficult. It's almost impossible to think that there will be coexistence, communion and the life project of companionship that you imagine, however much effort they make to improve.. The extremely important point here is that we all have a hard time accepting (since our partners seem very normal "externally") is that we're talking about a very serious and, unfortunately, immutable neurodevelopmental disorder. Efforts and improvements may exist, but you'll always have to lower your expectations and demands for life, you'll have to accept being emotionally broken by someone who cannot recognize you, validate you or see you as an individual. And that for the rest of your life, even when you're the person who needs help more than he does. It will always be all about him, as far as we know from our experiences. Go ahead without looking back... You can experience love in many ways and there are really many opportunities for you to open up to the world! But think about whether you see yourself with this man for the rest of your life and why so many people who love you warn you about it. I was warned by everyone and didn't want to listen. In the end, he abandoned me without any emotion (and did me the favor of freeing myself from this before it further destroyed my future in a hypothetical marriage). Remember that your intuition says a lot about what is best to do and that love is not meant to hurt that much. You deserve the best, focus on it no matter how much attachment makes you want to stay. You MATTER. |
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Nadia 7:05 PM Thu 29th Oct, 2020 |
Hi All, To Jenny first: In my opinion, I truly believe that what you are experiencing is "the cycle". There is a cycle, without a doubt, that we experience, akin to the cycle experienced in narcissistic abuse. Right now is the "love bombing" cycle for you. Everything feels good, and like it's going to stay that way, finally. There has been convincing evidence that we actually experience the release of dopamine, and that pretty much seals the deal that "trauma bonds" us. But, alas, it never lasts, because it can't. It's not real, not genuine. It's done as a means to an end. Next comes the "devalue" phase, which can take many forms, like invalidation, on through verbal name calling, and worse. On to the "discard" phase, where you are anywhere from stonewalled to physically left. This cycle repeats itself, and for me, it went on for decades, until I finally came out of the fog, educated myself further, found this forum, and learned about my role in this dynamic. After decades of this, and my recent decision to finally end this, the love bombing is at a degree I haven't seen from him, ever. It's not me he wants. It's the things I did, and who I represented for him. He doesn't like change, and doesn't do well with it. I was dying in the relationship. Never hit, financially secure, but dying. Please learn more about this disorder, for you have your entire life ahead of you. Please spend some time learning about yourself, as well, because, in my opinion, that is where the key is, to unlock your way to freedom. It is my opinion that if we were emotionally healthy people, with our own sense of self, we wouldn't have tolerated this disorder at all. It never would have been our choice to become involved. I dont think, for the most part, this just happened to us. I believe whatever we carried from childhood made it a perfect fit for a relationship with an ASD person. I didn't look at my childhood as being traumatic, but after deep reflection, I understand the dynamic now. I wish you health, happiness, and peace. None of which these relationships provide. |
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Bella 4:22 PM Thu 29th Oct, 2020 |
@Jenny, I’m afraid for you! He hit you and has been abusive. That right there is a deal breaker, even if he was not AS. He won’t change for real. People are who they are. You’re only twenty. There is someone out there who will cherish you, adore you, return your love. You need to be free and ready for that person. You have some healing to do first. Please get yourself out of this terrible, and possibly dangerous relationship. |
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Cassandra 11:17 AM Thu 29th Oct, 2020 |
Hi Nadia what a clear perspective! Is there a way I could get your contact? I would love to get more understanding. Is there a way the admin can connect us? ADMIN: If Nadia would like to email us, we will pass your email to her. |
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Flá 8:50 AM Thu 29th Oct, 2020 |
@Nadia! Thank you very much for your enlightening testimony about this difference. Sometimes when living with them we forget that this insidious world inhabits the head of the person that we already loved someday. And that nothing in the world can change her lens and perspective. :( I'm very sad to recognize the total damage that the disability causes.. And that explains the moments when I was despised when I needed help most. Is this lack of self-perception so true? Is that why they get in and out of relationships quickly as a game? Do they meet people, don't know how to differentiate whether they love their characteristics or if they are using people as objects? It's the most painful part to realize that there is no barrier to "choice". I felt cruelly used and discarded.. :( |
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Jenny 5:53 AM Thu 29th Oct, 2020 |
Further to my previous testimonial.. I am 20 on Saturday and I’ve never had another relationship other than this 3 year long relationship with my high functioning autistic partner. I’m so unhappy yet happy at the same time. I’ve never experienced a relationship like this before and he’s been my first everything. Through all the abuse I’ve endured and manipulation etc that has happened I’m unsure of whether to stay now that he’s suddenly focused on changing for me. He peaked in his abuse right before lockdown and since, I’ve only just started seeing him again and it’s all roses atm. I’m just so worried that I’m never going to experience real love, where all the feelings are genuine. Am I missing out on something? My friend (the only one after he made me remove everyone else) has insisted that our relationship is not normal and my parents dislike me being with him. I’m so confused. One minute I hate being in the same room as him but then others I long for his company. Please any advice is helpful or any experiences worth telling me! |
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Nadia 12:54 AM Thu 29th Oct, 2020 |
Dear Maggie Fellow decades long survivor. Do you find it surreal trying to come to grips with the regret of so much time invested, without denouncing the joy and love for your children and grandchildren? It's hard to utter the words, "I would never do this again", without separating the emotions concerning any children that may have arisen from the relationship. I find it impossible to believe that anyone could love their children and grandchildren more than I, but to wake up from the fog I've been living in, to the realization of what this relationship really was, and was not, I find myself unable to express how I feel, in terms of this dilemma. The relationship was a facade, a lie. I know that as sure as I'm sitting here. To try to comprehend the amount of time I tried to work on this relationship, when it was futile, keeps me stuck. The hours, days, months, years, decades, ruminating, praying, going to therapy, researching and googling how to "improve" a marriage, alone, only me, used to fill me with anger, hurt, and emotional pain. No more. Never again. I remain grateful for the family I was truly responsible for rearing, alone. Everything else, I learned to let go of. I'm not giving up any more of myself. Even though I'm older, I found new found peace and joy. My wish for you, and everyone here. |
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Nadia 8:52 PM Wed 28th Oct, 2020 |
Hello Everyone, I saw a discussion about "Cognitive" vs "Emotional" empathy, and I just wanted to expound on that. I have experience in this field of study, and would like to express my thoughts. "Cognitive Empathy" is the ability to see that a situation requires an empathetic response, and the ability to respond and/or act accordingly. It is not "Emotional Empathy", which is the ability to put yourself in another's situation and feel what they are feeling. The best a HFA person can achieve, is "Cognitive" empathy, but the response or the reaction will not be genuine. It will be a "script" that was learned. When a person with ASD gives you a hug, or says the appropriate words, they are not responding because they genuinely can feel your distress, or pain. How many of us have gone to bed crying, while our partners have slept soundly beside us. How many have been "stonewalled" after a disagreement, where you tried to explain that you were not interested in being right, or winning the dispute, but rather, just needed validation of your feelings. And speaking of feelings, how often have your feelings been validated? It doesn't happen, because it can't. The ASD person has no access to their own emotions, never mind yours. It's not, nor will it ever be, a reciprocal relationship, no matter how "high functioning" the ASD person is. We,as NT's,can feel whether someone is being genuine, or not. It's painful to endure these relationships, no matter how high the degree of functioning. I understand the respect some have for the partner that is able to work on "Cognitive" empathy, but the fact remains that we are entitled to have our needs met, and in a genuine way, as well. Again, please understand that it is damaging to our very being, to live like this, day after day. It chips away at our self-esteem, and leaves a void, like non other. I choose ME, and I pray you all see the value of YOU, with no guilt, or regret. |
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cassandra 12:35 PM Wed 28th Oct, 2020 |
guys, almost all of you talk about your relationship with your spouses or boy/girlfriends. I have come to accept my husband of 28 years for who he is...but I am struggling with my 27 old son who is in a relationship with someone i don't know...he absconds, remains silent for days, very short intermittent responses to my msgs. shows no interest to connect at all. I cant walk away from my old child right. I am hurt all over everyday trying to connect with him. He has absolutely no regard for anyone of our family members. The only person he ever interacts is me...I don't want to give up but communicating with him is also hurtful Anybody has adult asperger children? How is your relationship? Any advice from anyone here would be hugely helpful |
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maggie 9:53 AM Wed 28th Oct, 2020 |
Nadia thankyou thankyou for your post, I feel such similar things |
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Vicky 3:25 AM Wed 28th Oct, 2020 |
Juju - The way I have coped is by holding my self accountable for the wasted thoughts of "what could have been". I feel I have been blessed to figure out what exactly was going on and knowing I had nothing to do with the end of my relationship. I also focus on the relief on not allowing another person to negatively affect my moods, interests or how I spend my time It is so peaceful not agonizing over his neglect of us or lack of communication or lack of initiation with intimacy. In the 5 months that have passed since my divorce, I am so grateful to be free of the mental torture that comes with being with someone with Aspergers. I also found the "Home" section of this website that spelled out on a chart ASP traits and the damage they caused to me (NT) was an eye opener and really helped me to move on. You have to realize the only person that can help you is you by recognizing the wasted thoughts that are keeping you stuck. |
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Mouse 11:44 PM Tue 27th Oct, 2020 |
Hi Josefina and everybody here. Everyone has a right to protect themselves. And doing that, is not being a mean person! If he doesn't show signs of remorse, or will to change he's lesser atractive ways, chances r he will never change them. And don't worry to much about him being on his own. He might not enjoy changes, especially if he didden't plan them himself, but in my experience, AS people move on a lot faster than u might have expected. And if he does, don't think ur too unimportant to grieve about, its just that because of the mindblindness, he isn't really able to see u as the unique individual u r (with whom he shares or shared a unique bond..), he probably sees u more as a 'replaceable object', and who wants to feel like that? |
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Nadia 7:05 PM Tue 27th Oct, 2020 |
Hello Everyone, I just wanted to add, that for all of those that feel stuck, unable to move on, it's absolutely necessary to turn all that energy expended on trying to better the relationship, inward now. You need to turn the focus on yourself. You need to practice self-care, every day. You also need to understand that you will never have the formula to break through, and get your most basic needs met, in these types of relationships. It won't happen, it can't. This is a serious neurological and developmental disorder, no matter where on the spectrum the person is, HFA, or not. For me, I believe the answer to healing, and more importantly, not repeating this cycle, lies in our childhoods, and the messages we received. I'm not talking about blame, but understanding. We all learned an attachment style, and I believe we make choices based on that. Learn about yourself, so you can find yourself again. You can heal from this and find joy and peace again, but it won't happen without the work. It's worth it, I promise. |
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Nadia 2:59 AM Tue 27th Oct, 2020 |
Hi Everyone, First time poster, but life long endurer of this unique form of abuse. I agree with Heinrich, that HFA, formally known as Aspergers, is just a place on the spectrum to differentiate between the extremes of non functional to functional. It's the same disorder, but it presents differently in some. The "lack of theory of mind", results in narcissism, and it is abusive to be on the receiving end of that. The HFA person seems to be able to mask to the degree that enables them to get what and who they want, and continue that push and pull, for extremely long periods. In my case, decades. When you are blessed enough to finally find the information that seems to fit what you've been experiencing, only then can you seem to have the ability to start trying to find your lost self again, and start living your own life. Because you will realize that you have been living their life, not yours. The lack of empathy is probably the most damaging aspect of this disorder, for me. I was fortunate that I didn't endure physical, verbal, or financial abuse, but the emotional abuse, resulting from the lack of empathy, almost left me with the loss of a will to live. I found this site, however, just before that happened, and it has given me strength, and the will to not only live, but honor that gift of life. You matter too. Your life matters too. |
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Juju 1:33 AM Tue 27th Oct, 2020 |
I'm also curious about your testimony, Heinrich.. I didn't really see my ex abnormal and I never suspected autism. The family itself never suspected their whole lives .. so, for me, it's a strong sign that it "appears" to be very normal (only in the intimate relationship the peculiarities were numerous and visible). At first he was so sweet, attentive, kind, intelligent and elegant and very pleasant looking. His French way was so charming (although I saw some childish and hysterical behaviors inadvertently escaping - I thought it was cultural). But over time, his normality disappeared and gave way to his true "me", who became more and more self-centered, distant and cold. We were dating at a distance for 2 years and in the last he abandoned me completely in another country, lonely in the pandemic, without mercy, in exchange for his doctorate in mathematics (special interest)! Really, I found myself dating someone I would never appreciate in my life, I wouldn't be attracted even if I tried hard. He didn't do anything he promised in the first year. It was all fake, a very liar pseudoself. And I really believe that he feels corresponding to what he thinks he is as a person. He's confident that he's normal like the others because he does some small things that seem "normal".. But he doesn't question himself, sees no problems or and has no idea what the maintenance of things and people is. The world is available to him and he should always make the least effort (if not the special interest). And he was physically becoming strange as well, putting on weight because he was not motivated to conquer me, changing his behavior, with his eyes fixed or not looking into my eyes... no affectivity or notion of support. The silence started to become more intense, uncomfortable and irritating. About utilitarianism I cannot deny it because I see similarities in every case I read. They're really looking for benefits. We were victims even though our boyfriends looked very "normal" compared to the other cases we observed. On the other hand, I also believe that they are almost on the same level without the mask and this stage only appears at some other point in the relationship (like many cases of marriages reported here that start in the same way). The mind corresponds to a very typical pattern, it is difficult to deny that for them people or goals are "objects of need". I was useful for him to know Brazil while traveling with me, probably you were also useful in something in his history. You were discarded for having nothing more to offer in his new interest. I know that this week he is with someone else in Spain (I saw the person's profile and there is none, not even the slightest compatibility between them! he was in love with Spain. Et voilà, he did it!). The worst of all is when they make you realize that you are a "spare tire". Because he wanted to keep in touch with me after a horrible relationship with an exhausting and heavy contact talking only about him, probably for him to return to Brazil someday using me as a caregiver. I've been bleeding from the inside for months... the damage was irreparable. I have been in mourning for months, almost a year. I am undergoing painful therapy to recover from this experience. And everything is worse because he does not care, does not notice and is already advancing in his new achievements without the minimum recognition, decency or sensitivity expected. I know that we must be strong and cross the swamp forgetting the memories that were perfectly created illusions. But this is very difficult and I believe that we all feel deceived in the depths of our soul. Our empathy, true love were thrown directly into the trash without any mercy. |
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Alex 1:10 AM Tue 27th Oct, 2020 |
@Heinrich and others. I dont really understand what mild exactly means, but i'm sure that high functioning autists cant be into a healthy relationship as NT understand it. I dont even think they really want to. They say that want to have a "partner", but dont want (or cant, whathever, but at the end its the same) to have common goals in life, commitment, responsabilites, share feelings, support their partner, real intimacy... I mean, have in mind that when an ASP says "relationship" or "partner", we are talking about completly different things. They can present it in many different ways, but at the end thats what it is. |
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Juju 10:04 PM Mon 26th Oct, 2020 |
I'm looking for recommendations to abandon the feeling of being used by an Aspie.. How did you overcome the end of the mask? Even in therapy, I can't progress any more. I've been mourning for this crappy relationship for almost a year. I feel isolated. I'm even afraid to use the internet for new friends because I don't want to find any aspie anymore! I realized that they use this tool for socializing and I don't want to cheated again!!! The lockdown in my country makes me feel more desperate on my own in the end process. I can't find people to talk to. Any suggestions to overcome this crap? |
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Jenny 7:45 PM Mon 26th Oct, 2020 |
I’ve been with my AS partner for a little over three years now. It has been utter hell. At the start, he was so comforting, sweet, affectionate and protective but then started to gradually decline. He then went on to continually and constantly go behind my back to fulfil his drug related fascinations when I was clear from the start I am not wanting to be in a drug infested relationship. He has now gone behind my back in snorting Valium once with a girl on video chat to make me jealous as I was apparently being ungrateful and methamphetamine on multiple occasions whilst I thought I was pregnant with his child. Since then, he had confessed and promised it would be different. He stopped talking to the guy he did the drugs with and all seemed well.. turns out he snuck him back over and lied to me about what he was doing. He isolated me from all of my friends and family, he became incredibly emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. He even hit me and became physically violent when he found out I still found actors attractive. He didn’t want me to have a past before him and hates that I have a life of my own. He publicly humiliated me several times violently whilst in arguments simply because I was feeling depressed (with my clinical depression) and he felt like I could just snap out of it. It became unbearable and dangerous when I had to isolate with him during the start of COVID. Since then, we didn’t see each other through lockdown and I felt it was a good excuse for a break as talking to him about the negativities in our relationship always starts a never ending guilt trip and depressing phase. He seems to be rather positive and says he’s taken the abuse on board but my parents dislike him and I’m starting to have a life of my own again through meeting new friends at university. I’m worried he will start up again. I’m considering leaving him but scared of what he may do; he’s told me several times that he’d kill himself if I left as he has literally no one else. This is true, I am the only person he talks to ever! Even his parents refuse to socialise with him and he hates himself yet says he can get any girl he wants and continually puts me and my intelligence down in comparison to his own.. it’s all so difficult and this is my first long term relationship as I’m only 19. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. |
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Lena 7:31 PM Mon 26th Oct, 2020 |
I am in a relationship with a guy who is super sweet, kind, gentle, chivalrous has lots of friends, great job and seems 95% normal. He is even nicer than some NT men. I believe he is on the very very mild end of the spectrum with some quirks associated with Apergers such as not good with physical affection, saying insensitive things occasionally and not very good romantic relationship skills initially which was hard but his change is consistent now. Now he is such a great boyfriend........From the testimonials I am reading, there is a lot of advice to not marry someone with Aspergers at all... How can I tell if he is masking or sincerely a great guy with very very mild Aspergers?.... It would be terrible for me to end a relationship based on assuming that he is masking especially if he wasn't .....but the testimonials about masking also scare me...... Are there any tell tale of masking? .....Any advice on this situation?..... Do persons with mild Aspergers still mask? ....Has anyone experienced marrying someone with who didn't have serious symptoms of Aspergers and made genuine change and stuck to it?....:) Thanks |
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Heinrich 6:19 AM Mon 26th Oct, 2020 |
Hi, I have read some testimonials lately talking about mild Aspergers. I wanted to give my two cents about it. I would rather call it high functioning autism. And I think a lot of the testimonials are about high functioning autists. The guy I dated was very normal a lot of the time. He had friends and a good-paying job. He claimed he was "a little" autistic, but damn, it was a roller-coaster ride. He was so sweet and cold and sweet and cold. Most of the time he was normal - more than normal, the perfect man. But then he got very narcissistic and he really hurt me (not physically). Just one example about how he looked normal but wasn't: he hated to spend time with people unless it was centred around information gathering. He didn't like bowling, theatre or dancing. But he would always go with his colleagues to not be the only one who didn't go. As he told me once, if he is doing something, there always has to be a benefit for him. So when people say "mild" autistic, I think people here are referring to high functioning autists who are just very good at masking. And as soon as the mask gets its cracks, it is horrifying. Most in here dated that wonderful wo/man who often has a good job, colleagues, and "friends". I am writing about this because I want to hear your opinion on that. What do you think? Do there exist autists who are nts with quirks? Or are the mild ones just the guys who are very good in pretending to be normal, but are just as autistic as anyone else? Sorry for my bad English. |
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Kate O 4:05 AM Mon 26th Oct, 2020 |
Viola, I really felt like you and I had a similar experience. For the first 6 or 7 months, he was sweet, attentive, seemed to be fully committed to us in a forever kind of way. We felt we were soulmates and I was so happy. Then he began criticizing about stupid stuff-like was I recycling a can? Made such a big deal about it and looked at me like I was dirt. Then he would get impatient and make cruel remarks-he thought he was smarter than anyone. He also did the ghosting thing. We would have a fight and he would leave, then stay gone for months. He blamed me for everything that went wrong. He loved me when everything was going his way and I had no needs. We have been apart for 6 months this time and I will cut off my arm before contacting him because he refuses to acknowledge that he needs help or there is something really wrong with him. I miss the person I met, but this other man has zero accountability and is cold and cruel. I really stayed because he did not have anyone else to date and he liked having sex and being told how great he was. One day he just got upset, told me he did not love me and that was it. I don't know if an aspie man comes back, and I admit I really loved him. The problem was he could not love me. He was sooooo self-absorbed and obsessed with himself. I spent 3 years trying to figure out what was going on with him and he could put on a gentle face but then shift quickly. IT all was about him. I don't think it bothered him at all when our relationship ended. He just goes on. I have grieved it for months, especially since he left me at the beginning of COVID. These men are not normal and it has taken me a long time to realize that the larger part of him is a mechanical robot. IF you ever read the entries in the ASperger's thread on reddit, you realize that these guys worry more about a smell or loud noise or their interests, but not about people. They are stunted and I can see how they destroy people. I put so much in trying to rescue him that I lost my self-esteem and was in a complete state of breakdown and exhaustion. They say they have feelings and miss people, but only those with a light form of Asperger's. The rest will break you down, show no concern and leave in a mess. They turn away and forget you. There is also a very covert narc trait to these people-they glorify and small achievement and are all about them and what you do for them. No effort on the part of an Aspie man unless it is to get what he wants. And passive aggressive? Whoa! They manipulate and then blame everything on their Aspergers. |
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Aspie Wife 11:11 PM Sun 25th Oct, 2020 |
In response to someone talking about therapists. My therapist told me to quit talking so much to my husband and believes he doesn't have Aspergers, but something else like OCD. I finally just said, I know you don't think he has Aspergers, but he has something and it infiltrates every part of our marriage. |
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Josefina 5:56 PM Sun 25th Oct, 2020 |
i I´m from Sweden (excuse my english)and found this wondefull site. I dated a man with AS and ADD for 3 months. I broke up with him two days ago and find my self wondering what happended. It got serious realy fast.He was perfect in every way. I live with a vulvodynia and he told me it did not matter to him, that we could do other things in bed and kissing and hugging. He just wanted to be with me. He came on his bike and comforted me when I was sad, he bought me underwear for my birthday on our second date. Hi told me he had AS so I was always super distinct and even wrote things about e.g. what I whanted and sex down in e-mails so that there would be no missunderstandings. I soon saw some weird things, but nothing I could´t live with. The lack of initiativ was starting to become a problem. A week ago we had our first big fight. We were carrying a heavy out door table in to winter storage at my summer house. All of a sudden he starts pushing and pulling way too fast and hard, almost destroying the table. I say stop, I cant lift that fast, i´ve hurt my hand. Afterwards I ask him why hi became so aggressive and he says he was anoyed at me. -Whit what? -I cant remember he replies....When comes crazy things like: If you say that again I´ll walk out on you. if you do that again, we have no future. Since we where on my island and we had taken the boat out of the water he could not leave. He also tells me that it did not happen the way I remember. For some reason we kiss and make up with out me getting any wiser two days later. Four days later, He is coming to stay in my house for the first time, because one of my 4 kids is saying with me full time, and tonight she is at her fathers for the first time. I have big plans. So has he. He tells me he has been fantazising about me all day in a message. He arrives and we start making out, but then he says he can try if I want.... I turn that offer down. I trie in the evening too but no response at all. Next day I´m super clear with what I want. You just cant miss it!!! He pretends like nothoing is going on and totaly ignors me. In the evening I ask him if he does not like my place, why he ignors me and trie to tell him I feel low self confidence and sad when he does not even say, sorry I have a head ache or something. Then he says he did not understand that I wanted sex on any of the occations. He also say the situations has not hapened and that I´m crazy. Then he gets aggressive again and tells me how bad I am, but he wont tell me in which 4 ways. I call hin a lier for saying he did not understand the obvious. Then he gets mental and jumps in an out of bed and threatens to leave me if I ever say that again or do this and so on. I go silent and ask him to calm down. He beggs me to talk to him, but I cry now and say I wont because you jump at everything I say. He ended up threatening to walk away och leave me 5 times that night. Next morning I get a message saying: Hi honey, I hope you´ve sleept well. Cant you give me a call later, I love you. In my opinion hi has managed to get at least 4 narcisistic/psycopathic/psycic abuse things in to one night. Blocking the other person from speaking their mind effectivly remove any possibility of the original problem, gaslighting, moving focus from the original problem to me beeing wors, threatening to leave, aggressive behaviour and in the morning pretending like nothing happened....I thought Aspies where kind people, not abusers. Perhaps hi is an involuntary narcissist, but its just the same to me. I have been traumatised by a narc once so my tolerance is zero. Maybee my Aspie did not understand that...Was I to mean leaving on the spot? |
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maggie 8:46 AM Sun 25th Oct, 2020 |
This is for Darcey - you said a lot of things so well and I feel the same way. You as an NT have empathy and want a relationship, to be together and be seen by him. Dr Kathy Marshack says aspies want to talk about topics, not feelings as we do, they don't get all the feelings stuff because they can't. You say "There is so much missing between us, and he doesnt miss it bc he cant know what it is." YES! And it will never change. |
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maggie 8:22 AM Sun 25th Oct, 2020 |
D80R80 I am very sorry to say that in my experience and what I have read there is NO light at the end of the tunnel. You live 250 miles apart and only see this man on weekends, imagine if you were living in the same place. Alex whose comment is just before yours is right "The only possible end is a broken heart and a nervous breakdown, if not worse." I also say run far away. I have been married 40+ years and it has broken my heart and my spirit. I wish I would have run a long time ago. |
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Nana T. 10:10 PM Sat 24th Oct, 2020 |
Just thought I"d reshare Maria's experience, since I think she deserves more of a response and advice. "I hate my life. I rearranged my entire life in another state to help my Asperger boyfriend with a new business venture. All he does is rage out at how much I'm NOT doing..."What do you do for 8 hrs of the fucking day?!" It takes 3 hrs a day just to keep his environment in a state that won't flip him out every day... and even that he tells me how mediocre I am at it. The rest of the hours is handling administrative crap that simply is too "overwhelming" for his "high-functioning" brain to handle or time is taken up cleaning up his messes... from him not paying bills or missing appointments or not picking up much needed RXs. Tells me to leave on a weekly basis yet when I start packing my stuff he becomes an even bigger asshole. Talk about mixed signals. I don't know whoever said people with Asperger's have a hard time lying cuz mine doesn't. He's cheated on me more than once and has made several more attempts but won't admit to it or apologize for it even when faced with the black and white of emails...and let's not forget the sex videos he took with the 25yr old whore he was training. Videos he doesn't know I've found and kept...just in case they serve a future purpose. He talks about wanting to put a bullet in his head. I often want to hand him a bullet so we can both stop being miserable. I honestly don't know if I'd even be sad...I toggle back and forth with feeling like this. I have 1 good day for every 4 days of hell he brings. I'm laying here on the couch where I've made my bed for the night because I can't stand to be around him right now. I'm wondering how has eight years passed and this is where I'm at How did this environment develop so insidiously. I actually take a lot of comfort in knowing that a lot of other NT partners have wondered the same... it's unreal the progression of time and the sudden realization of acute misery and feeling stuck. F my life." |
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Jacqueline 1:56 PM Sat 24th Oct, 2020 |
Found this site, whilst looking for a way to explain intimacy to my AS husband. We’ve been married for 20 years, we’ve known each other since childhood, he was only diagnosed around 5 years ago, so I spent 13 years wondering where the person who courted me before we married had gone. Once we found out I’ve spent the last 5 years working out how to help him and keep myself sane. I feel I broke a bit last night because we had the annual chat about Christmas, he doesn’t want to celebrate, no tree, no presents, no people. I said how important it is to me and that I know with Covid it’s going to look different but that we will be doing Christmas. His reply, we’ve done it your way for 20 years, it’s not all about you!! This has been said before, but this year I just feel broken. How can I explain the daily compromises I make with the lack of affection, no foreplay ever in sex, not been kissed properly for at least 16 years. The fact when his step daughter got married (ex husband in Canada, not been present in girls lives for 24 years) I had to do the speech p, whic was an honour, but then he left around 7pm because he couldn’t cope anymore and I was there without him for the rest of the wedding. No desire to want to share walks with me, no understanding of why I get upset when he goes on a drinking bender whilst he’s on various medications. I found my story reflected in that one page about intimacy but I don’t know what to do, I’m deeply in love with him and won’t leave but how do I begin to make myself feel better? |
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Shannon 10:19 AM Sat 24th Oct, 2020 |
Erin, please listen. It doesn't matter whether or not he is on the spectrum. He is abusive. You want him to leave your home and he won't. Time to call the authorities. Seriously. Be safe and sure of your rights. I wish you the best. |
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Erin 5:45 AM Sat 24th Oct, 2020 |
All of these comments and experiences have greatly helped me. I have a graduate degree in social psychology and feel like a complete and utter fool. Like most of us, I have had my share of challenging relationships. But nothing prepared me for this man. I met him 2 years ago, he was handsome, charming, talented, highly intelligent, loving, loyal and kind. I told my friends I won the lottery. I couldn't believe my luck. I met the perfect man. OMG. I don't even recognize myself anyone. Sad, depressed, lonely, flat, financially a wreck. Numb beyond belief. I read that once you remove yourself it gets better. Joy in life returns. I have been subjected to financially supporting him (he quit his job and lay on couch for over a year), I cook for him, do all the cleaning, do the laundry, make sure he showers and brushes his teeth. Its quite unbelievable. He has me under surveillance, hacked my email, my phone, has gone through my entire home. I didn't invite him to move in, he just did. He uses everything against me and wants me to delete every memory I have ever had apart from him. He is violent, emotionally and physically abusive and aggressive. He is such a bully. My days are filled with name calling, insults and accusations. Yet he has no clue how he behaves or how it is wrong. He prefers quiet and isolation. He has an unusual fascination with technology. He has me cut off from the world. I am exhausted. Here's the thing. He wont leave. He simply refuses to move out. I have never seen anyone behave like this. Today he agreed to leave in next few days. He keeps saying wants to leave but then its as if nothing happened, and no conversation took place. Soooooo challenging. Of course, he has just gone back to a very low paying job, and has no car. My last resort is to call the authorities. Anyone else gone through a refusal to leave? Oh and he wont get diagnosed, but I am sure, 100% sure that he is an AS and I am an NT. I am exasperated. |
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D80R80 2:43 AM Sat 24th Oct, 2020 |
I’ve been dating my bf for the passed 8 months. There have been some good times often then not. He does get these emotional rages and if I do not seem to be listening and providing comfort, he lashes out at me and makes me feel like the bad guy even though he says he isn’t trying to make me out to be the bad guy. I’ve read most of the comments from this month and I find I have a lot in common with most of them. He wants me to comfort him but no matter what I say, it’s not that right thing. We live 250 miles away from each other only seeing each other about 2-3 weekends a month. I feel that when it comes to his emotions, it’s better when we are face to face. On the phone, I don’t seem to get through. It’s almost like he has a script in his brain that I have to recite and if I don’t, then I’m not listening and I’m basically the worst gf in the world. Then he compares me to all that he’s ever had a relationship with and still thinks that we are the issue, not him. He often says that he feels we all have Aspergers and that he’s the normal one. When we have an issue, I will recite the same script he prompted me the last time and it will still be wrong. I’ve voiced this and he basically puts me down for not knowing how to handle him. I’ve got a Psychology degree and still I’m lost. I do my best because I love him and his daughters but he says I don’t because how could I if I’m one of his triggers and that I seem to not know what I’m doing. He refuses to say he loves me. I want to think that he’s just scared but sometimes I just think he doesn’t realize what he has with me. It hurts so much but I can’t break up with him. I want to have a future with this man. We’re 40 yrs old. He’s already a grandfather. Please give me a light at the end of the tunnel. I saw some say that therapy won’t work. Is this true for all? He’s only known about his Aspergers for 5 years so he’s also still learning about it. Any words will help. I appreciate everyone on this site. Thank you for whomever started it. |
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Alex 1:54 AM Sat 24th Oct, 2020 |
If someone has not yet fallen in love, run away. If someone has already fallen in love, run away even further. The only possible end is a broken heart and a nervous breakdown, if not worse. There is no end to frustration and disappointment. There is always more, even when you don't expect it, when you think that this time is going to be fine, there it is again. You will never be seen or recognized, never. His/her heart will not soften one day and say all you need to hear, not even a minimum. Is just a mirage, beautiful to see, but cant interact with it. Completely merciless. |
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Jen 1:09 AM Sat 24th Oct, 2020 |
I've been on and off on this site for a while now and when I read other peoples stories I just think "holy shit, that is my life". I get that everyone is different and each relationship is different but there are so many similarities its just nuts. It's only recently started bothering me how when I try to explain the things that me and the bf are dealing with to other people that have never had a relationship with someone on the spectrum they look at me like I am the problem. I should be the one to be more patient, or be more understanding. There is only so much patience and understanding that a person can give before they feel like they are loosing their damn mind! I tried to go to counseling but it turns out there are not many therapists that are familiar with NT/AS relationships and I pretty much got told that maybe I should be more direct with him when I speak since his ability to read another person’s thoughts, feelings, or intentions isn't as well adapted as mine and that why we have communication issues. LOL People know that I am NOT one to beat around the bush with anything when I speak. I am a total Sagittarius when it comes to telling people what is on my mind and what I need, want, etc. It just doesn't work in my relationship. "Hey babe, the garbage is full and too heavy for me to take out, can you please come and take it out now for me so I can put in a new bag?"....somehow translates to "So the garbage is almost full, I can probably cram some more stuff in there so just take it out when you feel like it." I have no idea how he even processes things I say, let alone try to figure out how to say something that he will understand. The other day he was playing with his airsoft guns in the back yard. I asked him to please not do that in the yard because the dogs were out and I didn't want any of them to accidentally get shot by a BB. He told me ok, but as I'm walking back in the house I hear the dog start yelping and its because he accidentally shot a BB and it bounced off the fence and hit the dog in the face. When I asked him what happened he flipped out and told me that I was distracting him and that's why the dog accidentally got shot.....I said the dog got shot because I asked you to not do that in the yard when the dogs were out and again I get yelled at that's is my fault because I am distracting him. Honestly at this point I have given up. We are not married and will never get married. I go to work, pay my bills and do whatever I want at this point. He is more my room mate. He will either figure it out or he wont but when I'm ready to sell the house and move he will not be coming with me. Thank you for letting me vent and to just get all this off my chest. If it wasn't for this site I would have lost my mind a while ago! Thank you for making me see that I am not alone and I am not crazy! Much love to everyone here! |
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cassandra 11:18 AM Fri 23rd Oct, 2020 |
Hi Jeanie, I am married to a man with mild asperger’s syndrome for the last 25 years w/o knowing anything about it. Oh no! My life has been hella of roller coaster ride. He is good looking, gentle, kind and generous, but completely unmindful of my existence. To outsiders, we have a wonderful life, loving, caring and successful couple. Only I know the hurt and pain caused by his cluelessness and rigidity. We only realized it about a year and half. He tries to change, but he genuinely cant change. The biggest challenge is the lack of connectivity. We don’t do things together, there is absolutely no synchrony in anything - eating or sleep patterns, entertainment or travel choices. We don’t enjoy anything together. He is a workaholic and that’s the only thing he enjoys. He makes good money, but doesn’t know how to spend or invest. He wont pay bills on time incurring penalties all the time. Decision making is another big problem, he wont easily settle down for anything. He will want me to do to research and present to him all options and he would settle down for a mediocre choice. The physical intimacy is totally absent except for sex, which is a routine act. We hardly have common friends, he invites people he is comfortable with and put the burden on me for socializing, cooking meals and entertaining them. And surely my guests wont be entertained. Anything and everything is done on his terms. Sadly he is not doing any of them purposely, he is simply unaware that he is hurting me. Another big issue is lack of empathy. Oh my God! When I suffered in menstrual pain, had undergone 2 surgeries, he was totally unempathetic with his words and behavior. He was loud, boisterous, having fun with his nieces in the hospital. Every time I point out his errors, he would appear to regret and try to change, but genuinely he is unable to do. He never misses my absence, just self-engrossed all the time. The bright side is I have 100% freedom to do what I want so long as I don’t involve him – travel, finance, work. There is no much restrictions, but it could be he cares less. The biggest downside of this marriage is I have my son who is also an aspie. God lord! The trouble he gives, I can’t express. I disapproved his girl friend 3 years ago and since then he has completely shut us out from his life. Wont call, wont attend to my call, wont respond to my msgs, wont tell me where he lives, whether he is married to her or not. Only because of this incident I figured out that Aspergers runs in his family. I am still tormented by him, trying to rebuild our relationship, but its hard and slow. Final verdict, aspies wont change, either you both get used to each other or you part your ways. Either way, its you who will get hurt. They wont feel the pain. I am a smart and intelligent woman (that’s what my extended family think of me), but right now I am crumbled, lost all my confidence and become negative. Why I continue? Codependency and I genuinely love my family. Knowing about aspergers is a blessing in disguise. I am glad I know why they are the way they are, but I am disappointed that they will never change. |
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Flá 8:21 AM Fri 23rd Oct, 2020 |
I believe that most people on the forum were enchanted by the masks worn by our aspies at the beginning of the relationship. While they maintained everything, it was a wonderful fable. But in the end, we know that it neeeever existed, it was a very well promoted illusion! And then, in the moment of mourning, the mind is confused to determine what was reality and what was illusion. I find it very difficult to understand the true and illusory moments. What is the suggestion to go through the moment of mourning rationalizing that everything was an illusion? My memories don't respect my rationalization and I miss that lie. |
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Viola 6:06 AM Fri 23rd Oct, 2020 |
It's enlightening to read everyone's accounts. I've been trying to remind myself what it would've have been had my ex and I stayed together. I was in a two-year relationship with a guy who is suspected of Aspergers (undiagonosed, but he admitted that he's scored highly everytime he took the online assessments). Some time has passed since he left abruptely (sudden and emotional breakup for both of us) but before that, we had a very close relationship, spending time everyday. He was completely different in the beginning, constantly sweet, loving and acting very much in love. I thought I'd never met someone like this before, thought I found my soulmate. He said the same. The first 6-7 months were great, but after we started to live close together things just spiralled down. Little by little, he never acknowledged my worth anymore, and ignored all the things I was doing for the relationship. Any affection and care I had were completely ignored or disregarded. I was doing most of the housework and whenever we've visited his family I'd buy gifts and cards and do things for their birthdays - he just didn't do anything and piggybacked on them, a lot of the times not mentioning that they were prepared by me. None of the things he promised in the early part of the relationship never came true, whether it be any practical plans or long term commitments. I felt he stopped paying any attention to me. I was a fairly confident person before but started to really question myself on who/what I was. I started to feel completely invisible. People tell me that I am lucky he left, but a part of me questions this. I think it's because I am still hurt and don't quite grasp what actually went on. I am also very hesitant to get into another relationship with anyone, especially with those online, as so many men seem to exhibit the traits on the spectrum. Everyone's words and comments reassure me that I am meant to be where I am though - so thank you for sharing your stories. Please stay strong everyone, my heart goes out to all of you. |
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Vicky 3:11 AM Fri 23rd Oct, 2020 |
To the last two testimonials I will reply to both of you. Looking back at the beginning of my marriage I can absolutely see the Asperger behavior. I had no idea what Asperger’s was and only through my own extensive research did I come to this conclusion. Remember in the beginning of a relationship with someone that has this trait they are wearing a mask and giving you their very best based on imitating other relationships they’ve seen in either movies or around them. The issues you are dealing with today will magnify exponentially as the years go on. If I could have gone back and rerouted the direction of the relationship I would never have married him nor moved in with him. I think as the years went on we would’ve faded away from each other because they lose interest and it would have been so much easier to just fade away. Everyone on this site understands the temptation you have to stay in a relationship with someone like this, you cannot even imagine the emotional damage that will occur to you as the years go by. Please do your own research and proceed with caution. Good luck |
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Jeanie 6:31 PM Thu 22nd Oct, 2020 |
Hello, my boyfriend is exhibiting mild Aspergers traits (in comparison to the testimonials I am reading here). He is Nice, kind, very quiet, socially awkward, gentle, doesnt show emotions, sometimes rigid, has some restrictive interests etc. But this isnt obvious to an outsider. Have any of you married someone like this with very mild traits and does it stay like this after marriage or are there surprises on store? What is it like being married to someone who isnt expressive with words? Thanks |
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Phoebe 6:22 PM Thu 22nd Oct, 2020 |
Hi All, I was wondering if any of you knew that your husband had Aspergers before you married him? Were there signs or were they just not obvious? Was he the same after marriage? Would love to hear your insight. Thanks |
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Amber 4:50 PM Thu 22nd Oct, 2020 |
Athena..18th Oct post. I really relate to your comments on NT burnout and withdrawing. I have felt living around my father-in-law to be able to manage my frustration, hurt, confusion and emotional pain which usually leads to crying or saying harsh things which then ultimately leads to guilt, which an HFA doesn't seem to experience due to no empathy, but I seem to have alot of, I have had to live around him as though he is not in the house with us. This is so alien to me as I was in care work for most of my working life and I feel an instinct to help someone if they have a problem. Unfortunately we were in the process of having an annexe converted for him so my husband and I could put some space between us but due to Covid pandemic there has been a delay. The awful thing is I think he doesn't care that I don't interact with him, let's face it we are still doing everything for him so he is getting what he wants, Its just a whole lot easier for me as I felt I was mimicking his compulsive behaviour by compulsively trying to sort his problem out. Like I could fix that!! Not.🙄 |
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David 7:14 PM Wed 21st Oct, 2020 |
What I have learned about relationships in general, is that an "ex" is an ex for a reason. And going back to that person may be comfortable at first, like an old shoe that fits well but soon reveals its cracks. That's why it's always better to find someone new. And this is with an NT-NT relationship. Consider the fact that an NT-aspie relationship is even more problematic, because it was never really based on reality in the first place, but merely an act created by the aspie to pull you in, only to discard you once he or she found a new "special interest." With an NT-NT relationship, at least there is a kernel of sincerity behind the attraction, but with an NT-aspie relationship, it's all a facade. Don't go back to an ex, regardless of whether your ex is NT or aspie. But if your ex is an aspie, realize that you are going back to an illusion that you've created in your own mind, and which will hurt you in the end. With an aspie, I've learned that the only way that I could move forward was to cut them out of my life as soon as possible. No more obsessing over what "was", because it NEVER was. No more obsessing over what could have been, because there is no real future with someone like this. Block them everywhere so that you cannot even hope to hear from them. Save your hope for someone else who will appreciate you, not for someone who just views you as an object to toy with from time to time. I realize that it's hard to block someone whom you hope to hear from, but you must do it to preserve your sanity, and to start with a clean slate. You DON'T want to hear back from an aspie ex, even if you think you do. There are plenty of normal, loving, empathetic NTs who deserve you instead. |
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Batasp 9:03 AM Wed 21st Oct, 2020 |
What are the chances of an ex-aspie boyfriend returning contact after a relationship breakup? Why do they come back after months away? I have the feeling that my ex left me in "Stand by" in a very strategic way for the future (when he chooses to be "the right moment"). While he doesn't have "the perfect and best time for him", I'm like a ghost in his life. 🤷🏼♀️ Avoiding interaction with me makes him "have more time" effortlessly and confrontations of normal human interaction. PS: I don't think more than once about never falling into his trap again!😷😡 |
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Kitty 3:32 AM Wed 21st Oct, 2020 |
Had lunch with aspie ex yesterday. First time we've spoken/met up since splitting up 8 months ago. We had a quick walk in the park after lunch and he made a pass at me. It was as if nothing had changed between us. No respect for boundaries, still treating me like an interchangeable object. When he left to go back to work, his eyes immediately switched focus. I could tell that as soon as he began walking away from me he had already forgotten about me. He said "I'll call you in a couple of weeks time. I'm really busy." I got home and immediately joined a dating website and spent the evening talking to a man online. I now plan to meet a few guys. I have to move on and get out of my mental rut. I love him still and the grieving process has been hard and slow (partly thanks to lockdown and living on my own). I know that I have to accept that my ex didn't really miss me. He will never, and cannot ever love me, and that he will not miraculously change. |
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Vicky 11:28 PM Tue 20th Oct, 2020 |
Darcy - I divorced six months ago after a 21 year relationship and you put me right back to what my life was like on a daily basis. I feel so heavy inside after reading what you wrote because it caused me situational depression. I promise you if you get out you will not believe how much happier and free you will feel. The relief of not being burdened by someone not being a partner is amazing. I am so happy being single right now and have no energy for another relationship. However I have never felt this level of bliss in over 31 years which is the total amount of time I have spent with two different husbands. Please save yourself, take care of yourself and love yourself by leaving. |
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Idem 3:51 PM Tue 20th Oct, 2020 |
It is good definition of autism: (clinical psychology) Bio-neurological disorder that is observable in early childhood with symptoms of abnormal self-absorption, characterised by lack of response to other humans and by limited ability or disinclination to communicate and socialize. abnormal self-absorbtion........... The word "autism" comes from the Greek word "autos," which means "self." It describes conditions in which a person is removed from social interaction. In other words, he becomes an “isolated self.” Eugen Bleuler, a Swiss psychiatrist, was the first person to use the term. |
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Darcey 3:12 PM Tue 20th Oct, 2020 |
I think the hardest times are when Im struggling amd need so e support, whether its nc of a family problem, work stress (which is a lot) or just worry about the uncertainty of how he behaves and feel run down, exhausted and need a little support. And cant get it. I go through the motions as he plucks away on ideas for yard work, or grand ideas for something like changing the carpet, all the while never noticing anything in me. Dying inside, or just depressed and out of gas. Its just my body walking around, no difference to him. Today I was accused of not wanting to do anything. (After six work days in a row in healthcare Im effing spent). My exhaustion is annoying to him. Ive ruined his mood. And by getting out of bed and sitting on the couch in my stupor of exhaustion, Ive inconvenienced him by being near him. Im depressed. I need help. I need love. I need something. A conversation that reflect he sees me. But I sit and he continues on his ipad, showing me various video topics on the same thing. Filling up the space and time with meaningless discussions about material things. It has dawned on me before, but it was glaring today...that there can never be the contentment between us, when two people just enjoy eachothers company bc they like one another. That they can have a simple back and forth exchange demonstrating u derstand of the other in that exact moment. Im fairly certain he doesnt actually like that I have a personality. He prefers me controlled and quiet. There is so much missing between us, and he doesnt miss it bc he cant know what it is. I feel suddenly too heavy with the weight of my own body as I drag me back upstairs...its too much, and I know in my heart, it has to be over. He sends me a text after I retreat telling me Im stupid bc of how I intend to vote. He doesnt even see, the woman he says he “loves” feels like leaving and seeking other company bc I cant do this alone. And with him, Im alone. But I need people. |
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Alex 3:27 AM Tue 20th Oct, 2020 |
This page is a great help for me to clarify some aspects of my failed relationship. First of all after many time feeling that was something strange in "my undiagnosed-aspie"(now i believe she knows), searching on the net, i found this place and everything made sense. So many people with similar experiences made me realize that i was not losing my mind. I have also seen that my ex-something has problably some borderline traits. And understood that i am a codependent person, due to a narcissistic father problably. So now, everytime i feel broken, empty, fooled or just want to text her, i read the posts one more time to give me strenght and say to myself that is my codependency hitting hard. Everytime that she hurts me, because we work togheter and she is now with another person and does not take any care in not hurting me, it helps a little bit to make it feel less personal (no, i dont want to go with you and your new partner to make a coffee, no, dont need you to explain me what you do with him, yes i also was not feeling like seeing your face today but i'm not being rude... and so). This page is really helping me a lot to get over this hell, to deal with it all. And also to understand what happened, for me its very important to know what happended so i dont have to blame myself of feel guilty for anything. There was absolutly nothing i could do to make it work and even if it hurts so much its a good thing for me that she left me. Just because she feels i talked too much about my emotinal needs (it was not too much, i measured evey single word for months, but made a couple of comments, as delicate as i could, on how she blocked communication with me when my mum died, for example, and previously a couple of times how it was difficult for me to deal with her continous random absence). Always being positive, emphatic and always always ending conversations saying nice stuff to her. Completely useless, now i know. That really hurts and one can feel very lonely in this situations, because no one around really knows how its been fo me, since she is sooo wonderful to everyone. She seems so mature, deep and committed... and it simply seems that i have been discarded by a loving and compassionate woman, no one knows about the pain behind the curtain. Is just not possible to see it. Her pain and emptiness, she seems so secure and is completely lost and terrified and the emotional hell i have been living. Always frustation and distance and silence... For me the worst has been the silence. So thanks for this site, is saving my life. And i must say that with time things are getting slightly better and though i feel deeply hurt, my life is much better right now. Sometimes i feel some peace inside, then stop everything and simply enjoy that feeling, which I did not feel even for moment during the time I was with her. |
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Idem 4:26 PM Sun 18th Oct, 2020 |
Shannon@ >>>Such is life with these stiff, self-righteous, generally joy-sucking people>>>. This is so spot on- I have noticed the same if I longer spend time with autistic people I am always is MISERABLE. Lorelei@ Aspies are rigid,unflexible and they can't relate /understand other people point of view. That is why in my opinion they are unfit to be in relation with Nt's. As you said they think they are always right so if you don't agree with them they will try to force on you their opinions, or belittle you in arogant manners or completely ignore what you said as if you did not exist. |
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Athena 1:15 PM Sun 18th Oct, 2020 |
I keep looking for something here that reflects me back and I can't because although I relate to some of the things that the mostly straight NT's say about their Aspie male partners, women Aspie's have different presentations, for instance trying to blend in by developing a special interest in trying to understand relationships, means they often aren't recognised until they are in a primary relationship or in a work role that requires more relational and emotional skills. One of the things I really relate to is the crazy making aspect of me (and our kids) being the only ones who "see" it. I guess I am fortunate in that my woman partner knows she is Aspie and really is doing so much to try and grow relationally, but we are both exhausted. She keeps feeling like a failure and I feel I have turned into someone I don't like, which is the NT burn-out, being dismissive, withdrawing, angry, reactive, even nasty and then I hate myself, because I don't want to be like that, yet it's almost compulsive in me to keep joining the emotional dots for her, which cognitively I know is useless because it is just groundhog day. Same pattern over and over.... I know deep down she can't change, even though she wants to so much, and I have lost my joy and hope - and yet I know she is a good person and I feel like I'm expecting too much, but I don't seem to know how to change either. Everyone loves her. She is really good at her job, but never puts energy into friendships and forgets so much that is important to me, and becomes defensive and reactive, not seeming to recognise the difference between criticism and care. That has gone on for so long now, that I have become more critical, because part of me thinks what is the point, because she thinks I'm being critical even when I'm trying to connect, so I may as well be. I don't think that consciously but I think that is what has started to happen. I know I am trained in rescuing and I can't stand to see her feel so bad when she yet again forgets, reacts, misses cues, etc. However it's not working for me and I think the worst thing for me is the isolation. I have lots of friends and family, but people even think I'm lucky because she has been socialised as a woman and although she gives love practically, lots of straight friends who don't understand Aspergers think I've got a better deal than they have with a typical Australian bloke who doesn't pull his weight in the domestic sphere. And that is true. So I feel small minded for complaining about not getting my relational and emotional needs met, because compared to many straight relationships I am better off. Yet the loneliness of having to explain what I mean over and over, and because I am a person who puts high value on emotional and relational connection, means that I am really struggling. And seriously there is NOTHING about same sex relationships in relation to NT - AS on the internet, which makes it even harder to be seen and understood. I understand Aspie's can feel isolated, misunderstood and not belonging, but so do I in the end. We have tried telling some friends together but really it is me that explains more even though my partner wants to share it, and then I can see they don't understand and it makes it worse.... well thanks for the purge..... |
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Nana T. 12:40 AM Sun 18th Oct, 2020 |
@Maria, I feel angry just reading your comment. This man: 1. Curses at you, and doesn't appreciate what you do(including stuff that is HIS own responsiblity). 2. Has cheated on you more than once. Has made a SEX VIDEO with another woman on top of that. 4. Won't even admit to what he does 3. And yet you are still with him after all this and you are NOT even married to him. He's just a boyfriend. Why why why are you still with him? Ps: I'm a man, btw. |
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lorelei 10:08 PM Sat 17th Oct, 2020 |
I was wondering if anyone else had this experience. With my AS ex, if I had any sort of feeling that didn't match up with the way she felt about things, she would either say my feeling was wrong and I should change it, or would refuse to believe I felt that way at all. Case in point: she wanted to go to sex clubs and hook up with strangers; I don't like to sleep with people unless I have a strong connection with them, and I only want to be naked in front of the people I choose. She explained that she had a lot of shame around sex and was using the sex club thing to try to work through her issues - fair enough. But when I said I didn't want to go with her and didn't like the idea at all, she started pressuring me into going and said that I should "face my fears" and "stop being ashamed of my body". I just felt like she wasn't hearing what I was saying to her, and that she was projecting all of her own issues onto me. It also made me feel kind of sad because she was treating me as if something important to me was kind of valueless. This is just an example - it happened over and over and over again. If we happened to feel the same way about something, she could empathise because she could draw on her own feelings. If we had different opinions, mine was either incorrect or I was just faking my opinion because I couldn't acknowledge my true opinion, which was hers. I ended up feeling so completely invisible by the end of the relationship. Can anyone relate? |
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Mrs. Jones 10:04 PM Sat 17th Oct, 2020 |
I love my Aspie husband, but somedays, its very lonely. When I married my husband, I didn't know he had aspergers. His mother, who knew, who had him officially diagnosed as a child but never told him, warned me he had some "quirks". His mother is an extreme narcissist with an electra complex but that isn't why I am here, its because I have no one else to talk to about it. My husbands work does not know he has Aspergers and he wants to keep it private - only family can know. Except family, on both sides, don't really see him or know him well. They don't know what Aspergers is really like, or what I deal with at home. Do not get me wrong, he loves me, I love him, we have great chemistry ect. I understand his need for quiet and order. But, when he gets in a mood and goes silent or what I call his "stompy mood" - for any reason. I.e. a bad day at work, he didn't sleep well or I didn't finish the tasks he wanted me to get done, he gets very passive aggressive and shuts down. When he is in a good mood, he is super thoughtful and affectionate. Its the moody times that are lonely. I struggle knowing that his moods are not my fault, that they are not my responsibility, that it is not my job to keep him or get him out of these moods. But it is still lonely. I have tried to talk to him about it. How his behavior is hurtful. I get told "you act like I am beating you or something". He doesn't understand how the way he does something is just as important as what he does. I worry because we have a son - who he loves beyond all reason. But our 8 month old is still young. Once day I will have to explain that his Daddy loves him, but he has Aspergers, so sometimes it may seem like Daddy loves him less. This breaks my heart. I haven't brought it up to my husband, I don't know how, because my husband is determined to be a great father, he is afraid of being a bad one. But this morning, while he was doing dishes, our 8 month old attempted to get into the trash while I was in the bathroom. He yelled at him. He forgets he is talking to an 8 month old. I am not sure what to do. I don't want him to feel like a bad dad...but I want him not to yell at our son. |
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Shannon 10:03 PM Sat 17th Oct, 2020 |
Gaslit, you wrote: "I don't think therapy can work on autistic people because therapy relies on self-reporting. To self-report about your feelings and behaviors, you need to have both some amount of self-awareness and some amount of objectivity in comparing one's self to others." You've nailed it again. When my husband did the online test for aelf-diagnosing Aspergers he first scored himself not on the spectrum at all. He has no insight. Then I did it imagining I was him, and he was firmly on the scale for Aspergers. Even though he now acknowledges he's on the spectrum, he continues to see many of his behaviours and attitudes as right and good and is very defensive, even regarding slight, mild suggestions. Things I see as teamwork are interference and criticism to him. Like cooking. He'll make a salad for five people (our family) and I see there's only enough for two people, so I'll say, Do you want to add more lettuce? I don't think there's enough for five. And he'll get very defensive, saying "I can handle it. Don't interfere." If the tables were turned, I would honestly say, "You think we need more? Okay. You're probably right." And then I'll add more lettuce. Collaboration does not sting my ego. I donlt even mind when I'm driving and someone say, Let's take this other route, it;s faster. I say Great! Not him. He gets defensive. Everything becomes a conflict. Such is life with these stiff, self-righteous, generally joy-sucking people. You sound like a smart young woman, Gaslit. Good luck finding a fun, warm NT guy to spend your time with. I wish you the best! |
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Destroyed 12:54 PM Sat 17th Oct, 2020 |
My aspie bf chased me like crazy, convincing me that he loved me. He seemed so gentle and kind, at first. Soon the passive-aggressive comments and anger bursts out of nowhere began. We started fighting over his forgetting to show up for special holidays-usually with his mother. He was her caretaker and she berated him, and he shut her out and was angry with his sisters because they stayed away. On and on for over a year when I asked him where we stood, did he see a future? Did he think I was the one for him. He stared at me and said I was a question mark. He did say he loved me, mostly to get sex. He was into music and constantly talked about it, or any activity of the say in 1000 chapters. So after two years began the ghosting-if he felt uncomfortable he would leave, for months. Total silent treatment. Sometimes he would run into me and act normal. We would get back together a couple of months and then get into the same issue of his not knowing what he wanted. Then I got pregnant-right then he asked me to marry him. I was not happy. He was only doing it because he felt like he should. Flash forward I had a miscarriage, or so I thought. So after the miscarriage he withdrew his proposal picked a fight and left. I soon realized I was still pregnant but did not want him to return because of that. I tried to talk to him and he was stone cold. I went on, had the baby. He did not make it. Then I ran into him again and we talked. I told him what happened and he seemed to feel bad, then forgot about it. More issues with mom, on and on, and soon I knew she was near death. His sisters then told him his mom was a narcissist and that is why they stayed away. I told him she was not long for this world and he needed to say what needed to be said with love. By this point I was completely insane and showing a lot of physical issues. I got laid off and he pulled away and later told me he did not think he loved me anymore-this was by phone. I kind of lost it and then went home to find a note only saying "thanks for being kind to my mom-it meant the world" and then nothing. Never heard from him. Went to drop off his stuff and he looked blankly asking if I needed to talk. I just left. I still feel like I have lost my mind. I am home, isolated, still trying to figure what happened. I beat up myself for getting angry when he told me he no longer cared. Like the 3 years was nothing. I was nothing. On my bad says I just think and think. But he is perfectly on with his life. Was it real at all? I am a shell of who I was, anxious, untrusting. Hell on earth. Any guidance would be appreciated. |
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Gaslit 7:33 AM Sat 17th Oct, 2020 |
I wanted to expand on my comment from earlier this week about how I believe therapists are big part of the problem with relationship issues between normally-developed people and autistic people, and why I don't believe therapy can help. My current boyfriend has seen three different mental health professionals, but then he just lies about himself, incorrectly reports his behaviors and issues, and ultimate has gotten a lot of external validation that there's nothing wrong with him. I don't think therapy can work on autistic people because therapy relies on self-reporting. To self-report about your feelings and behaviors, you need to have both some amount of self-awareness and some amount of objectivity in comparing one's self to others. I've dated two autistic men and known many more since I work in STEM, and they are absolutely oblivious to it when they are acting strangely or hurtfully. Remember, the etymology of the term autism is self-ism, an obsession with the self an inability to perceive the world beyond the self. My current boyfriend has received a formal diagnosis from one therapist and completed the diagnostic paperwork for another, so I've read two sets of forms where an autistic person is asked, in essence, "Do you think you're weird?" Of course they don't think they're weird! They think they're normal and that the rest of us are oversensitive and crazy. The therapist who diagnosed him had me fill out a questionnaire that mirrored one he filled out, and it's like we were scoring an entirely different person. There were questions such as "I can cook a meal by myself" or "I can maintain a clean living space." My boyfriend rated himself on all of these questions as the most fully-functioning option on a scale, whereas my ratings of him were a mix of middle to low scores. He perceived all of these "are you a functional adult?"-type questions not as statements of current events, like "I have a clean living space" but more as hypothetical challenges, like "If I absolutely had to for a one-time special occasion to impress others, it is possible that I could clean my living space." Before we moved in together when he was still masking full time, we would go to my apartment, and I only dropped by his apartment once when he wasn't expecting me. All the windows were covered in blackout curtains or black plastic because he hates light/airflow, it smelled like mold, and there was garbage strewn all over the floor like it a was a crack house. It was horrifying. He swore it was because he'd been extremely busy at work and he was ashamed for me to accidentally see that. However, after we moved in together, he told me that the piles of moldy garbage were his normal state and he didn't see anything wrong with that. He firmly believes that I have obsessive compulsive disorder because I don't want to have rancid food containers scattered around my living space. In his mind, it's not him who is gross, it's me who is too clean. That's what happens in the brains of autistic people - they always center their own beliefs/actions as normal and will not consider that they might be the one acting strangely. So, the boyfriend will take autism diagnosis forms and self-report his that he is a fully functional adult, whereas I see him as someone who should have had a case worker checking in on him because he clearly doesn't function at the level of a normal adult. My boyfriend's autism also manifests as sensory perception issues, which he denies. If there is any level of background noise, far below what any normal person would consider "noisy," he can't hear what I'm saying and I sometimes have to repeat myself so loudly that people around us stare. He struggles to parse spoken information, which he says it's only because someone had "such a heavy accent there's NO WAY to understand them." But, the person had zero accent and was speaking in clear and well-enunciated English. I know this developmental disability is not his fault, but it bothers me that he refuses to consider that he's the one with a problem. When I brought this up with two of his therapists, he's said things like, "Well of course I can't hear you if you're whispering in an extremely loud environment with tons of people yelling! No one could!" And the therapist agreed with him. But, to him, an "extremely loud environment" is a sparsely-populated grocery store where someone 40 feet away says something at a volume level that barely registers to me. He is sensitive to temperature and overreacts easily. Recently, he almost got us in a car accident when he swerved around on the road because all of a sudden he hollers, "OH MY GOD I'M SO HOT IT'S LIKE I'M ON FIRE" while trying to whip off his jacket in the car like it was full of stinging wasps. He could have killed us in a car crash because the temperature went from 70 degrees to 70.5 degrees and that sent him into a fight-or-flight writhing painful panic, and he thinks that's normal. I've tried bringing up his sensory perception issues in sessions with two of his therapists in hopes they might have some sort of exercises or even anxiety medications he could try to work on this, and both times, his opinion that he doesn't have sensory perception issues always overruled my observations. He lies about his life and severely downplays his issues, and then trots around all proud of himself that he's found three different therapists to assure him he's only just barely on the spectrum, if at all. Therapists, even ones who market themselves as autism specialists, see an autistic person's mask and don't realize it's a mask, despite "masking" being a well-known autistic behavior. It boggles my mind that mental health professionals don't seem to see any problem in letting these compulsive liars self-report and self-diagnose. I would have thought they would be less susceptible to manipulation by autistic people, but my experience shows they are far more susceptible to it. |
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Leah 7:07 AM Sat 17th Oct, 2020 |
@Idem on October 6th - Thank you for that explanation. It was just amongst the most messed up aspects of my relationship with an Aspie. He was very upfront and almost obsessive in talking about sex and the wonders of it. Not just to me, but he would often bring up sex with people he hardly knew; often to a TMI situation when the people weren't that familiar with him yet. You could tell he spent years reading about/analyzing the psychology behind intimacy, so he could talk on and on about it. And yet, after the honeymoon phase was over, only a little over a month after we had gotten together, he just couldn't or wouldn't do it, and that mask quickly came off; in his tantrums he would often get mad about us not doing it anymore, but never could explain/would talk about why that was. My aspie ex had a sensory aversion to seams in clothing and tags, so he often liked being completely naked when at home. When he went out he usually wore the same shirts everyday, inside out, to compromise, but he was extremely good looking, so most purple were able to look past that with him; he was never able to hold a job either so wardrobe wasn't a concern for him. He would often get a hard-on when I was there, and he was just going about his day naked. Sometimes he'd even walk around me naked, with a hard on taking non-stop about something totally unrelated and I'd just be there listening and showing very obvious signs of desire. He would just go on standing there, and talking and talking though, so after 15min of non-stop taking. and remaining oblivious to my signals, I'd move close to him and try to initiate. He would then smack me harshly or push me away and say something like "what the he.. are you doing? Have you even listened to one word I've told you about my thrift shopping today." Then he would usually go on with his tantrum harshly claiming that I had to be mentally ill and was in need of some serious therapy. It just seemed so cruel, and almost teasing me, that he walked around with a hard on, but could never make a move, and blew off my initiation attempts; it was so messed up! It took a serious toll on my self confidence. Only 1 to 2 hours after one of these tantrum episodes too, he usually came up to me and would tell me he loved me, like nothing ever happened; I just couldn't believe it either after everything he said about me made me feel completely worthless. I had other serious relationships before my Aspie Ex, and intimacy was never much of an issue. Anyway, there were so many issues, that just caused me to break up with this my aspie-ex, including the feeling, often expressed here, that I felt more like his caretaker. One thing that I just want to add, is that when my Aspie Ex and I first got together he boasted about how every woman he had been with (he had several girlfriends before me because he was so good looking, and can wear the mask well at first) told them that he had a tremendously positive effect on their sexual confidence, and often told him that he was the best they had ever had. I'm quite sure it was all a complete lie! |
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Gaslit 6:19 AM Sat 17th Oct, 2020 |
@Shannon, thanks for your words! I'm also financially dependent on my autistic man at the moment thanks to COVID making my job situation and income unreliable, but we're not married and don't have kids. It could be much worse - my boyfriend isn't violent, and he has a well-paying stable job so we'll never go hungry or get evicted even if COVID gets worse - but it does mean I'm stuck and cranky until the world gets back on track. |
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Charlie 6:11 AM Sat 17th Oct, 2020 |
I spent 4 years in a relationship with a girl on the spectrum, in the beginning we never fought for about a year and a half. I was the best thing since sliced bread. (Find out later that she was just “being passive to agree and not disagree” Then we started having arguments over time and in standard relationships, it’s a normal thing. romantic or not, arguing healthily is good for your relationships. Over time these arguments would grow more and more intense and very often when I would bring up something that she did that may have upset me a little, she would just erupt in tears and I would have to console her and stop talking about what I was trying to work out. As this happened more and more it felt like she stacked every grievance together and would storm off on me when we fought with no idea of how long it would be and ignore my attempts to fix it. (Usually about 3 days to a week) when I was only trying to have a calm conversation. Eventually we would resolve and she would say how hard it was for her while we weren’t talking as if to imply it was my doing. When we broke up, it started over me saying “You should come over more”, this made her feel pressured and I was being told to not say that anymore. Stood my ground on it being an appropriate if not endearing thing to say. And bring up that it makes me feel like she thinks I’m a jerk when she makes conclusions like those. This was apparently a GIGANTIC insult to her and I was told that “if I felt that way we should break up”. This was also followed by a second ultimatum of “counciling or break up”. I accept trying it frustratedly obviously. Then she just wants to break up. Wait a day, try to resolve, “nope you’re emotionally manipulating me is what my mom says and I’ve thought the same thing, bye” and I’ve been blocked for a month. (Were in our mid 20s btw). Sorry for the long read. Just really in need of support to not feel so gaslit |
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Maria 4:01 PM Fri 16th Oct, 2020 |
I hate my life. I rearranged my entire life in another state to help my Asperger boyfriend with a new business venture. All he does is rage out at how much I'm NOT doing..."What do you do for 8 hrs of the fucking day?!" It takes 3 hrs a day just to keep his environment in a state that won't flip him out every day... and even that he tells me how mediocre I am at it. The rest of the hours is handling administrative crap that simply is too "overwhelming" for his "high-functioning" brain to handle or time is taken up cleaning up his messes... from him not paying bills or missing appointments or not picking up much needed RXs. Tells me to leave on a weekly basis yet when I start packing my stuff he becomes an even bigger asshole. Talk about mixed signals. I don't know whoever said people with Asperger's have a hard time lying cuz mine doesn't. He's cheated on me more than once and has made several more attempts but won't admit to it or apologize for it even when faced with the black and white of emails...and let's not forget the sex videos he took with the 25yr old whore he was training. Videos he doesn't know I've found and kept...just in case they serve a future purpose. He talks about wanting to put a bullet in his head. I often want to hand him a bullet so we can both stop being miserable. I honestly don't know if I'd even be sad...I toggle back and forth with feeling like this. I have 1 good day for every 4 days of hell he brings. I'm laying here on the couch where I've made my bed for the night because I can't stand to be around him right now. I'm wondering how has eight years passed and this is where I'm at How did this environment develop so insidiously. I actually take a lot of comfort in knowing that a lot of other NT partners have wondered the same... it's unreal the progression of time and the sudden realization of acute misery and feeling stuck. F my life. |
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Jay 12:13 PM Fri 16th Oct, 2020 |
@Renee I stumbled upon this site because I cannot sleep out of frustration, sadness, and anger. I recently as of a year am Married to an undiagnosed AS husband and my life is slowly dying as I know it. I am at my wits end. It’s almost as if a switch flipped and he’s a totally different person. He spends 14+ hours in the basement working. I feel so lonely and desperate for anything attention or interaction. I feel that I am withering away. He’s very defensive and we have been reduced to only doing activities that he deems acceptable. Every idea I suggest now is cut down and picked apart. I don’t even know what to do. He will never accept a diagnosis. I’m completely heartbroken and depressed. |
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Laurie 2:50 AM Fri 16th Oct, 2020 |
He does this thing of when he asks a question and I explain the answer with reasoning and insight he repeats the question over and over until I conform to an answer he has preconceived. I am a teacher with 2 master's degrees and am very articulate. I am crying as I confess his antics and behavior and bullying and dastardly behaviors! God please show me a way out! |
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Laurie 2:45 AM Fri 16th Oct, 2020 |
I know on a visceral and cellular level that I need to leave my marriage. No counsel will fix change or heal. I've made beyond hard decisions in my life before and I know that level of loneliness but in the end those decisions were worth it. My health will go if I stay. I am dead on the inside and my body may not be far behind. |
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Laurie 2:39 AM Fri 16th Oct, 2020 |
I destroyed my life by marrying my husband who has traits of HFA! Can't describe the emotional abuse done behind closed doors. We are currently at Mayo for his annual checkup for ulcerative colitis. He verbally berates me for everything and is otherwise non-communicative. 700 mile drive one-way in total silence. No touch ever. Went to therapy for 3 sessions but instead of keep sticking my insurance for $190 hour rate-I focus on anything else in my life but my marriage. This is something that can't be fixed only left behind. If I stay I will become gutless just like him. He has trained me as a servant and first thing out of his mouth in mornings is orders for the day. No point in talking to a single living soul about my life with him. No way to comprehend if not living it. ASPHOLESRUS could be their tagline! |
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Shannon 9:51 PM Thu 15th Oct, 2020 |
Gaslit, hallelujah, sister. Thank you for your last post. The writing is on the wall and you nailed it there. My aspie husband also has told me yes when he meant no and never intended to do what he promised, more times than I can remember. Just to end a conversation. I don’t have time to write more right now but just want to add that I have endured 30 plus years of what you describe. Kids and financial dependence have kept me in it. Argh! |
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Amber 5:42 PM Thu 15th Oct, 2020 |
Response to Flavia post 14th October. Yes my experience that I have of 38 years with my father-in-law was that he only gravitated towards my husband (his son) because he sorted everything out for him after he left his wife (my husbands mother). Because the other son (husbands brother) could not be around so much. I have only just recently realised that he put nothing in. We arranged everything for him, including his social life with us. He has never shown any appropriate appreciation you very rarely get a thanks. We both feel very used and have started to analyse his relationships with everyone and it was all based on what he could get out of them otherwise he disregarded them. He is now living with us because old age is something he could not deal with being so emotionally childlike and he has just become more dependent and expectant. You cannot explain to anyone how frustrating it is to be around someone that cannot understand any complexity of an issue, we have explained a million! times how one can express gratitude but we might as well talk to the walls.if your no good in offering something to them they are generally not interested and will move on. Hope this helps |
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Gina 4:24 PM Thu 15th Oct, 2020 |
Hi Clare I'm Gina I'm in the UK in Chelmsford Essex I dated an undiagnosed Asperger's guy for approx 3 months After the first month I ended it after we came back from a comedy show in Birmingham ......something was just really off .... Within 2 weeks or so he said your being very hasty etc and I agreed to see him again .... Within 7 weeks I had to end it again for good The behaviours on the emotional level the self absorption the lack of empathy etc as listed across the board in these testimonials My ex stated himself he was a different person on the outside than he was behind closed doors ......and yes I too experienced the 'act' in public.....and the different person behind closed doors ......and the one upping etc and things On a couple of evenings out with his friends comments were made stating he was a very 'tricky character' 'nobody ever knew where they stood with him' etc Now my ex was also nice..... You have stated in your comments that you feel like you are being 'trained to be a little servant' in terms of doing things for him? It is nice to do for others However you need to be aware that on an emotional level ......you are also being 'trained' ......to accept that in order to continue a relationship with this man .......you are sacraficing your own needs for emotional connection and genuine care for the benefit of essentially a one sided relationship with an Asperger's man......and they also lack conscience as those benefits he's around for that you speak off.......could essentially come from anybody My ex tried to come back a 3rd time also ......all sweet compliments and words and asking to see me And I refused told him it was over and I wasn't going back You seem like a lovely genuine girl but unfortunetly there will be no exception to the rule with an Aspie especially one who is not committed to engaging in therapy to genuinely address the issues he may have as you can see from the posts across this board With the Aspie you will be around as long as you can put up with it essentially ...... My ex and I had many long conversations into the late hours also socialised with his friends took trips etc just normal stuff at times But it still did not change the fact that had I off stayed with him ....I was knowingly committing myself to someone who essentially to put it very bluntly as Henrich also said ..... Does not care about anybody else except himself Asperger's is far more than just a few quirks and a bit of shyness. They do not truly 'see' or 'hear' anybody else except themselves And the more sociable ones from reading testimonies etc. Do tend to have narcisstic traits also I still feel compassion for my ex as a friend/acquaintance But I had to accept the reality. Rather than hang on to hope etc or thinking that I could love a nuerological disorder 'out' of someone I hope your doing ok |
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Clare 1:55 PM Thu 15th Oct, 2020 |
@gaslit, your story about the therapists is shocking, but doesn't surprise me. I can see why your so frustrated and angry. Please look after yourself first now till you can get out of this this situation and try to find a healthy outlet for your anger and dont turn it inwards. And @kitty, I completely agree with your theory that a man with aspergers/hfa chases someone because of the immediate benefits he can get out of you (company, sex, someone to go for meals with, someone to do favours for him etc..) not because he has feelings. Or if he does, he just doesn't even recognise or understand what they are. I feel a bit guilty posting on here, as the autistic man I've been dating seems alot nicer than people I've read about on here (or maybe hes acting) and i feel like I'm bad mouthing him behind his back. But I've obviously found this site for a reason, and i keep feeling compelled to read the new posts. I think it helps me have a realistic view on expectations. Also I've already recognised some of the behaviours others have posted about, i.e:- acting narcissistic and superior infront of others to the point of embarrassment, then acting completely different at home like an adorable gorky child. Always chasing perfection and trying to one-up on others. And also getting me to do alot of things for him like im being trained into being a little servant. He is very self sufficient and has a lovely house and own business, but despite this I've told him I dont want to live with anybody for the foreseeable future, as I do like my freedom, and things are 90% great at the moment, but I do believe from what I've read and witnessed, that living with him would be a different story and would ruin things completely. All the best to everybody. |
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Renee 12:19 PM Thu 15th Oct, 2020 |
Bless every single person who has given their account of dealing with an AS here. I am deeply grateful for the creation of this site, more than I can ever express in words. Reading your testimonies, it is clear to me what has happened to me is not me misunderstanding someone, it is real and I can see clear enough from all of you, the EXACT same thing has happened to me after 8 years of dealing with a male aspie. It is heart wrenching to read your stories and often am thrown into tears because I KNOW EXACTLY what you every single person here is feeling. No one else fully understands except the person living this hell. I love him so much and WHY??????? Listening to your stories has helped me understand so much about my situation. I have scoured the internet looking for assistance to help ME, the NT, in enduring the pain apparently unknowing inflicted to us via an AS. No offense to any of them. They have the most admirable qualities in another human being you would ever want to know and all in one place. But as white and comforting as he is, flip the coin over, and it is one of the darkest places known to man. It is black and white, there is nothing else, and onset often sudden like running into a brick wall at full speed. I figured out today, I am likely codependent because of what someone said here about it. I cannot recall which one of you said look it up, but you saved my soul from continued torture because I did and I am. There is nothing you can do... unless you become a robot (which he has actually joked about turning me into several times) or the AS is self aware and seeks to understand and compromise. And to those dealing with an undiagnosed AS, I wish I could hug you each so tight. It is scary to think about bringing up. I am so sad. I cry for him being so unaware how damaging his words and actions are. I cry for all of us here who have to endure someone you love treating you as though you were simply around to be used like a tool. However, on my quest to bridge the gap, I found a guy on YT channel who has helped more than anything. "Aspergers from the Inside" is the name of the channel. I have employed some of his suggestions he gives from an AS viewpoint and I have been able to make some progress. HIGHLY suggest if you have not watched him, please do. I we need more resources to help us all learn to navigate this better. It is not only the ill who need care, the caregivers often need more. |
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Aspies Suck 11:23 AM Thu 15th Oct, 2020 |
The testimonials here are so articulate and expose Aspies for what they truly are and the damage they cause. It's similar to being the victim of a crime. If a criminal deceives and takes advantage of us then we are the victim of a crime. If an Aspie does the same then we are somehow to blame for the crime committed against us. How twisted is that? They can spin some pathetic sob story about their "disability" as a get out of jail card. They are devoid of any conscience whatsoever. I wish psychologists would read this page and realise that they have been duped by Aspies too. |
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Gaslit 6:43 AM Thu 15th Oct, 2020 |
This is my second time posting. I'm in a live-in relationship with an autistic man in his 30s whom I've been dating for two years and living with for one. I'm his first girlfriend. I'm mentally done with it, but I'm not able to leave yet because things will be financially precarious for me until COVID is over. I've grown to hate the "high functioning" label and the idea my boyfriend is "barely autistic" because he went to grad school, has a job, and manages to go through the motions of adulthood when someone he wants to impress is watching. A "high functioning" autistic person is just one who is skilled at deception and manipulation. It could be indirect lies like "masking" and pretending to be a different person when it suits them, or direct lies where they tell you a falsehood to your face with no remorse. I can't think of another mental disability/illness where a patient gets praised constantly for being deceptive as though it means they are somehow more healthy and functional. I've dated two autistic men, with somewhat different manifestations of autism, but one thing they have in common is that they both lie a lot. If caught in a lie, they either deny it and dig in further, or admit it but can't grasp why it's wrong to lie. I've had countless arguments where their rebuttal was either, "So what if I lied, I got what I wanted so I don't see what the issue is" or "Yes, I did promise that, but only because it was what you wanted to hear, and I never had any intention of following through." They have no conscience or morals. They just say whatever they think is likely to benefit them in the moment and get angry and indignant if you call them out on having purposefully lied to you. My current boyfriend spun a fantasy version of himself to mirror my interests/goals when we were first dating. Almost everything he told me about himself was a lie. This facade didn't fall apart until we moved in together. He knew he'd trapped me and could finally relax and be his true robotic, selfish, antisocial, inconsiderate self. It was like a switch flipped. I've read a number of other commenters here note that therapists are part of the problem with autistic adults, in that they coddle the autistic person or fall for it when the autistic person pretends to be normal in front of them. I feel gaslit not only by the boyfriend, but also by his therapists. My boyfriend has seen three therapists, and all it's done is give him outside validation that he is a victim of me because I am "not understanding" when I get upset with him for doing something hurtful, lying to me, or refusing to do his half of our household chores. (He's extremely messy and getting him to do even basic cleaning tasks is a battle and such a source of stress for me.) I am certain that if we went to a counselor and talked about our problems and never mentioned autism, the therapist would say that he's an unrepentant sociopath/narcissist and that I should leave. But, just because he's autistic, it's like therapists see him as some sort of adorable three legged puppy, broken in a way that makes him more lovable. Therapists think that being autistic absolves a person of all of their hurtful and manipulative behavior. I've been present for two of his therapy sessions. In one, he casually admitted to his therapist he lied to me about his interests and life goals because he knew that if he was honest, I wouldn't want to date him, and he wanted a girlfriend. She didn't see anything wrong with this! I think she may have even found it endearing/romantic somehow, that he'd gone to the bother of spinning a web of lies to trick me into liking him. She's well-regarded in our city as an expert in autistic adults, so who knows how many hurting, confused, lonely wives and girlfriends she's gaslit into thinking they're the ones at fault. Autistic people are shielded from all criticism and consequences of their hurtful and antisocial behavior, whereas people with any other mental illness/disability are expected to learn how to get along with others and acquire prosocial behaviors. Why the special exemption? Why are they allowed to behave however they want, regardless of who they hurt, and have mental health professionals gush over how "high functioning" they are and insist that the rest of society needs to bend over backwards to accommodate their bizarre and often cruel behavior? If you don't enjoy experiencing manipulation and lies from a sociopathic partner, you would be considered an emotional abuse victim and would be correct to leave, but if that partner is autistic, then you're an ableist monster not "being understanding." It's maddening. |
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RT 4:20 AM Wed 14th Oct, 2020 |
@PhD...I'm from NY |
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Kitty 1:57 AM Wed 14th Oct, 2020 |
Clare: I was chased too for months but what really confused me is that if they admit to having no empathy, and cannot love another person, why do they still chase us? Well, my theory (in my case) is that I was chased because logistically my man needed practical things: ie, what I could supply (home, money, security). Moreover, he was lonely, his mother and father had recently passed. He told me he wanted to settle down (he needed someone to cook, clean and care for him, it turned out. He couldn't even wake himself up in the morning with an alarm). Your story is interesting and resonates with mine. All the best. |
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Flávia 12:00 AM Wed 14th Oct, 2020 |
Has anyone on this forum ever felt used by an aspie (partner/friend)? For example, as if you were offering a resource of interest to them, financial/material benefit, an object, a trip, protection, etc? I know that many people are like that without any mental disability, but I have the impression that I was a victim of this with my ex-partner. And his interest in being in contact with me can probably be due to some resource I have (there isn't real emotion)? He didn't pay much attention to me, he didn't talk without his terms and he could be rude to his comments. But he kept in contact with me constantly to "check my availability". I feel like a "bank investment". :/ |
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Nana T. 10:05 PM Tue 13th Oct, 2020 |
@aspiesurvivor, haha. I'm glad you backed up what i said about cognitive empathy. |
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Aspie survivor 3:34 PM Tue 13th Oct, 2020 |
To the aspies on other sites who say we are haters for expressing our viewpoint here, I say thank you for proving the point of what we are saying by exhibiting your lack of cognitive empathy. Brilliant. |
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Idem 8:44 PM Mon 12th Oct, 2020 |
Cathy@ I have read somewhere that autism quite often has other comorbid disorders. I have no doubts that my dad has autism( never diagnosed). All symptoms - avoiding eye contact, selfisheness, rudeness, mean with money always got separste accounts, cold, detached, special interest, so often saying wrong things and upseting people- no filter. Also he is argumentative and can be arrogant ( superior feel about his knowledge), unable to talk about emotions but he is not aggressive. I think what you wrote about your husband throwing basket at you as you should have iron not chat..... it is very nasty and controlling behaviour. - I dont think it is classic autism - more just nasty , mean personality- I dont think you should let him behave like this. I think he takes advantage of you with this behaviour |
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Flávia 8:01 PM Mon 12th Oct, 2020 |
@Linda, you're very kind and reading your message on this forum has helped me immensely to think about my needs. I blocked him, sent a very clear messag repeating several times that "I'm not here to be treated in this abusive way". But I don't know, I have the impression that he will never reflect on ANYTHING. He never wrote to me again. And even that makes me feel guilty... But I'm fighting this thought every day because I know it's a sign of my codependency (a person who never set limits like me). It's strange, but it's like I'm addicted to drugs (abuse). I want to get out of this hell. And I'm also very happy for your testimony, after all, you deserve to be free from any harm related to a person without empathy and who hasn't even given you the opportunity to exist in a worthy ending. Even the dirty work they don't do! "It isn't your fault, you cannot control, you cannot heal". :* |
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Clare 5:59 PM Mon 12th Oct, 2020 |
I posted on here about 2 weeks ago, about how I've been dating a 34 year old man with aspergers for 7 months and he'd gone into one of his quiet weeks where I was obviously not in the forefront of his mind. I decided to leave things be and see what happened, but he pursued and chased me even more the last 2 weeks and has been wanting to see me almost every day, although I've had to make excuses some of the days or I've genuinely been busy. I do enjoy his company, he's not nasty atall, we have amazing chemistry and we get on really well, but after a date night a couple of days ago, I brought up feelings. He was very honest, I'll give him that much, but basically said he likes me a bit (actual words), but has never loved anybody, only his dog. He said empathy is not in his vocabulary, he admitted he's very selfish, and that nothing bothers him whatsoever! It made me realise that he is only with anybody for what they can bring to his life at that present moment and as soon as the honeymoon period is over, he will be bored and be gone, because he will not be emotionally tied/in love with me. It was an eye opener! I'm in deep and I honestly don't know what to do. My immediate plan is to just focus on myself and my family and friends as much as i can. I can't even be angry at him cos none of this is his fault, its a faulty brain wiring. But im certainly not going to be angry with myself either, because we can't help who we fall for at the end of the day. We can only try and look after ourselves. Best wishes to everyone on here! |
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Ann 5:35 PM Mon 12th Oct, 2020 |
I can no longer bear the hurt I feel from trying to be friends with an aspie, so I know the pain from dealing with a spouse or significant other must be excruciating. A typical aspie, this person can only see things from her own self-centered point of view, so she is oblivious to the pain inflicted on others. Once when she had blown off plans we had made to meet for dinner, and I told her how I felt hurt, she explained to me that I should be happy for her because she had found something more exciting to do. I stopped talking to her for months after that cruel remark that showed how she could only see things from her own viewpoint without empathy for my feelings. She contacted me several months later, and I foolishly agreed to meet her. This time she showed up, but then spent the entire time in a monologue about herself, without asking me a single question about my life. She never was able to have a normal back and forth conversation with me as long as I knew her. I had always put up with her self-centeredness because I knew this was due to her autism. After finding this blog, I have made the decision to end this one-sided friendship. It wouldn't be right to have contact with her at this point anyway because I now dislike her and resent having wasted my time on a person who was just using me to vent about her ridiculous petty grudges and talk about her special interests, while she had no capability of being a real friend. |
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Cathy 5:05 PM Mon 12th Oct, 2020 |
Jim, you mentioned ptsd and I believe this is a factor for a partner living with the worst kind of Asperger's syndrome. After over three decades of verbal, financial and psychological abuse, it is no surprise that I was in the grips of almost constant anxiety. A normal scenario of having a friend over for coffee would always result in excruciating embarrassment for me, I have even had a basket laundry of tipped over me as I was happily talking to a friend at home, apparently I should have been ironing, not chatting. I realise now that I cannot expect any more from him, the absence of hope that he will change and become reasonable helps me cope. I practice emotional self care and detach myself, I get lost in books, films, long walks, hobbies, friends. I switch my phone off as so many times he has rung me and shouted at me demanding to know when I'll be back. I don't exaggerate when I say shouting. I have stopped taking the abuse personally, it is his anger, not mine. I feel stronger and stand up to him. As he is ill he doesn't have the strength to be so abusive now and needs me to care for him which leads me to believe he is quite capable of controlling his behaviour. Last year, I had the dog on a very long retractable lead, the dog was ahead of me, and my husband for some reason took the lead off the dog, this resulted in it whizzing back to towards me and the metal catch hitting my bare shin with such force that I felt weak with pain, my leg was bleeding and my husband just stared at me before walking off. I asked him if he realised what had happened, he just shrugged. It was a light bulb moment, he would never change and I should stop wishing for a time machine and a different past. If anyone is considering partnering up with someone who has AS please please think very carefully, don't ignore the warning signs. I am grateful for this site as there is nobody I can talk to about the pressures of being married to someone with AS, the shame and embarrassment of being abused is something I cannot discuss even with my closest friend. So thank you. |
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Aspie survivor 11:29 AM Mon 12th Oct, 2020 |
All who have posted their experiences and insights here have helped me tremendously. Thank you. I dated an aspie for a year and learned a lot from my own experience, but some of the comments here really put things into perspective. I just wanted to say that I found two important points here. I now see how being an aspie helps to explain their actions, but is not an excuse for bad treatment of others. I also found out I was attracted to an aspie (and narcissist and other self-centered jerks) because of being codependent. Please read about codependency. Like me, you will most likely see yourself and your relationships described in surprisingly familiar detail. |
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Jim 12:10 AM Mon 12th Oct, 2020 |
Why do websites about people with mental illness or mental disabilities downplay how disabling and extremely difficult their conditions are for other people to deal with? You can go to any mental disability website whether it be aspergers, schizophrenia, bipolar, etc. and the websites all say the same exact things and say how NT people need to support these people by altering their behavior and accommodating them constantly, how these people are usually not violent or abusive, how they're actually the victims of NT people and society and not the other way around, they can have a normal life with medications and treatment, etc. Anyone knows that people with these mental illnesses and disabilities are not in a right state of mind and become entitled by all of the accommodations they are given, they can be very violent to others or themselves, they're completely mindblind and abusive to others around them, and the people around them basically become caretakers because they can't hold down any jobs or responsibilities. Treatment also often doesn't work because they know how to manipulate therapists and pretend to be good in front of them but then act crazy around their spouses and families. One website said it was because they don't want to promote stereotypes about these people but there's a reason those stereotypes happened in the first place. I would argue that many, if not most, people with these mental illnesses are not sane and can be very dangerous to the people around them whether it's emotionally or physically. I would not be surprised if many of the spouses or families of people with these mental disorders and illnesses have some form of PTSD from the abuse, violence, and just plain abnormal behavior. |
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M 9:53 PM Sun 11th Oct, 2020 |
I completely agree with David (and a majority of people here). There's also this constant see to shift the blame on us, for being "too emotional", "not patient enough", "not understanding enough". When you voice your opinion about someone on the spectrum, whether you know them well, or not,you are instantly dissmissed and your opinion is invalid because you are just a "hater" a "Cassandra" or whatever outsiders come up with. It's very easy to just be in denial about your flaws but autistic people take it to the extreme. To those who have the misfortune to share their lives with them, this is just exhausting... All you feel is frustration, and even desperation, constantly... No matter what you do you have to put up with a behavior that is not normal, and should not be acceptable to anyone, and yet you can't say or do anything and if you do, it will lead nowhere, you will just be the bad guy. It feels extremely isolating and lonely, but all those psychologist and defense group, (which are the first to claim we should make an effort with aspire so they are not isolated, and left out) don't think, or care much about the impact this has on an NTs mental health, do they? |
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Nana T. 8:39 PM Sun 11th Oct, 2020 |
@idem and David. I've seen what you guys are talking about too, since I did a whole lot of reading on autism this summer. That includes their message boards. They claim that their deficits and trouble are because everything is set up for NTs: and that they are just different(some claim even better). @david, I've also seen some talk about this site as well. Recently, on one board, I saw some even claiming that most of the women on here were not really married to aspies, but to narcissists instead. But, I've read and am sure what they say is NOT true about this site. |
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Nana T. 7:06 PM Sun 11th Oct, 2020 |
@Darcy, that's true. I'm actually pretty positive I do NOT have autism or asperger's. I was just simply giving the story of how I ended up at this site in the first place. As for what I mentioned to Heinrich about empathy, that's just what I've been seeing as I googled this subject. Many places say that those with autism are impaired in cognitive empathy but the affective enpathy is intact. |
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Idem 3:02 PM Sun 11th Oct, 2020 |
David@ - Also I find them full of contradictions - one minute they say it is not disability they are only different and 'better' than NT people....then they expect special treatment as they are overloaded with 'l stress of life' and all sensory input so we have to be always understanding for their selfish, indifferent behaviour. I will be honest - I don't hate but I don't like most autistic people I met in my life and you are right the best way is just avoid them. |
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Darcy 2:19 PM Sun 11th Oct, 2020 |
To Nana T. This doesnt seem like the right forum for you. You seem to be looking for something to confirm your own dx or not. You should see someone formally trained if you want the real answer. This is a place for people to discuss their experiences with living close to someone with asperger. (Yes the DSM took it out but they did that for benefit of asperger not the public) and the emotional stripping that occurs. Dont look for someone here to tell you that you are normal. |
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Kwad K. 12:05 AM Sun 11th Oct, 2020 |
Hey, all. I wonder, do some with severe Asperger's, like to make extreme wishful goals, or even go as far to have make-believe worlds? I'm talking about adults, btw. One man, I know over FB, he had a relationship for a couple of months with one lady over Zoom(didn't get to meet). He lives in Florida, and she lives in Wisconsin. They broke up, though, this past May. In July, he met one lady over FB as well, and they have been 'dating' over Zoom or other electronic platform. This lady lives in Uganda. But, they did a facebook engagement a few days ago. And he mentioned that he will meet her in person to do a proposal. I asked him "where will you two meet?". He says, "I will be moving out there to where she lives" And I asked, "You're gonna move to Africa?", and he says 'yes'. |
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David 9:07 PM Sat 10th Oct, 2020 |
For those outsiders who call this a "hate group", I would say this. It is fashionable for people to have a victim mentality these days. It makes them feel entitled to defending themselves, even when they are in the wrong. It allows them to avoid introspection and to avoid taking responsibility for their actions, by accusing someone else of "hate". Sorry, but I don't give anyone a free pass if their behavior is harmful to me. I call it the way I see it, I avoid such people, and I move on. If aspies don't like the fact that many of us have figured them out, that's their problem, not ours. I have tried so hard to reason with my former partner with Asperger's syndrome, and I was met with callous indifference, total lack of empathy, and the most chilling self centered behavior that I've ever observed in someone. The only reason why I even considered her a friend was because she put on a mask and was a terrific actress at the beginning, which "imprinted" me with an image of her that was hard to shake. "Imprinting" is a good word for what happened to me- I could not reconcile my initial impression of her with the eventual reality of her. The acting was calculated and premeditated on her part. Nothing was genuine, and when the mask came off, it was pure hell. I would not mind if someone was honest with me from the very beginning, but these people are simply trying to fool others into thinking that they care, when they do not. I am able to detect such behavior now, and I avoid it. That does not constitute "hate". It represents self-preservation, and I won't apologize for it. This site serves an important function- it helps us share our stories and increase awareness of what we've all gone through. It makes us feel less alone, and it validates our experiences. If an outsider calls us a "hate group", I am perfectly comfortable with that, because I know that I don't "hate" anyone. I am simply smart enough to avoid people whose behaviors are damaging to me. |
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PhD 4:16 AM Sat 10th Oct, 2020 |
Is anyone here from NY? |
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Elodie 2:01 AM Sat 10th Oct, 2020 |
@Breaking - I really felt your post. A lot of your words I have said myself. I could really relate to your comment 'Leaving me alone without communication seems to be his way of letting me deal with difficult feelings' - and I, like you, am also conflict avoidant. I have suppressed my feelings and pack them all away while I work out the best way to present them to my partner, to try to get the 'best' outcome possible when talking about issues/past hurts. It is not an easy road. I have posted before and am at what feels like the end of a 6 year relationship with an undiagnosed aspie. I have days when I seriously doubt whether he has ASD but the signs are all there and have always been there since the beginning. I didn't know anything about ASD when we met and there were, looking back, warning signs which I ignored, as I was hopeful that with love and time things would improve. Sadly they have not and over the years I have learnt to take care of myself and not rely on my partner for any emotional support. As with a lot of people here, he is not a bad person but he just does not have the ability. You mention counselling. Someone before here has mentioned Carol Grigg - she is based in Sydney but does zoom sessions. I had a session with her and found it very validating. I wish you all the best. |
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Khey 1:27 AM Sat 10th Oct, 2020 |
Please Help: Do second opportunities work to get a significant change in behaviour: comunication, socialising, intimacy (from celibacy)? In my experience, every time I've told my partner (undiagnosed Aspie, which has no clue about asperger's and lives thinking "Iam antisocial and cold") I needed more affection, communication or intimacy, has change a little bit very momentary because he doesnt want to lose me, but after a couple of days, back to normal, again. May 2019: I told him need more connection, intimacy and conversations -> one week later we made a trip, have sex and stopped and back to normal. Jan 2020: It has been 8 months without touching and affection again, I'm not confortable in the relationship -> two weeks later, sex without connection and back to normal Apr 2020: The relationship is not working for me. I'm starving human connection -> lets move together (a disaster on cohabitation) September 2020: I'm leaving (picked up all my stuff) and breaking up. "Let me fight for the relationship". But really, what changes should I expect in the future? A couple of weeks or months with subtle improvements on plans outside (we always do everything alone, no social interaction with friends and families), maybe sex without connection, and then back to normal? Thanks. |
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Cathy 9:43 PM Fri 9th Oct, 2020 |
I have been married to my husband for 32 years. I knew there was something unusual, or eccentric about him when we first started going out. He is much older than me and although I had been in a couple of long term relationships I felt comfortable with him because he was funny and attentive and we liked the same things. There were red flags early on, of which I took no notice, he seemed safe and reliable. Nothing prepared me for the gas lighting, the accusations, the insults, the being stuck on a subject and not leaving it until I agree with him or until he shouts me down. So pedantic, I want to scream, I've been screaming inwardly for years. Although highly intelligent, he has never been able to hold down a job, it has always been down to me to cook, clean, work, look after our children, the pets and organise pretty much everything. When I was pregnant with our last child, 22 years ago, a surprise, he chased me around the house, screaming and shouting at me that he wanted me to have an abortion. No consideration for the children who were crying and in shock, or for me, scared out of my wits. The pregnancy was my fault, I was irresponsible, I was stupid, foolish and I was forcing him to be a father against his wishes. I have been called stupid, ignorant, unsophisticated, vain, ineffectual, he told me that he was sorry that I was pregnant (with our first child) because he would rather have had a child with his ex. Apparently I took that the "wrong way". If we had work done in the house, I was told to go away as it had nothing to do with me. I have been told off by him in front of friends and family, leaving me devastated and broken. I have been told off for looking younger than him, told off for putting make up on because I'm making other women jealous or I'm doing it for other men, I'm a slag. He has offered me to his friends when drunk. He has embarrassed and humiliated me, will tell people extremely personal details about our lives or finances and exaggerate stories to make me look stupid. "My wife never, my wife always". He tells me I am deluded because I believe in God and only uninformed and unintelligent people believe in an after life. I have had panic attacks in public when he decides to raise his voice to me about something I have or haven't done properly, going to a shop that I like and he doesn't for example. I have looked in envy at women whose husbands/partners are kind and treat them respectfully. Couples who can sit down in a cafe and talk to each other, I wonder how does that happen? How can she talk and he listen and be interested? How blessed she is that he isn't complaining loudly about how much it's costing him. Sometimes I think I'm going mad, I wanted to leave so many times, but then I wanted my children to have a father and a stable home. Plus the constant bullying and berating immobilised me. People have said they have never met anyone so stressed and impatient as him. He pushes in queues, in traffic, he doesn't care and only thinks about himself. When my mum died, I cried so much and asked him for a hug, he pushed me away and told me that I was hormonal not grieving. I promised myself I would go when all the kids were adults, now they are grown up, he is ill with a long term disease. He is milder, more respectful, grateful for my help and support, I know he is frightened. I can't leave him, our adult children would be horrified, I couldn't do that to them, or him. He needs my care and his illness will get worse. Only recently, I was very ill with food poisoning, I didn't have the strength to get a drink and asked him if he would get me some water, he did, but slammed it down and said he was the one with an illness not me. He was raging. He accused me of putting his life in danger when I walked with a friend (loudly, nastily) we were in lockdown, but I was wearing a mask and walking at least a meter away from her. All within government guidelines. Yes, this is milder behaviour on his part. I don't know what to say about my marriage, without him I wouldn't have our marvellous children (one works in a MH capacity and says he is definitely Aspergers) Our children are great but find him such a strain, I don't moan to them about him, because they love him and besides it wouldn't be appropriate. We are more focused on his illness now and they too have said how different he is, it's as if he's losing his power to create such unhappiness. I feel guilty for not caring enough, not worrying enough, I do all the things I'm supposed to do, the cooking, cleaning and taking to appointments, asking the right questions with health professionals about treatment plans, I will be there for the long run out of duty, but my heart just feels empty. Anyway, that is my testimony, if you've managed this far, thank you. My heart goes out to all those living with AS and those living with a spouse who has AS. |
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Linda 7:58 PM Fri 9th Oct, 2020 |
@Nana T. & @Heinrich The empathy thing is a rabbit hole. My ex Aspie thought he was being empathic but he wasn't. All he was doing was imagining himself (his personality and his experiences) in somebody else's situation and thinking how he himself would react. He genuinely thought that was empathy! He had no idea that empathy is the ability to imagine yourself with someone else's personality and experiences in the situation and to imagine how they would react as a result of them being themselves! His mind-blindness simply prevented him doing that. He couldn't acknowledge that someone else might have a very different experience in the situation. Kathy Marshack has written very eloquently on what empathy is and isn't and I think it's worth sharing her definition of it here : " Empathy is the ability to hold onto yourself (your thoughts and feelings) while you acknowledge the thoughts and feelings of the other person. Further, it is the ability to add to the mix of emotions and thoughts, words that describe both what is going on with yourself and the other person. It is the ability to take all of this information and formulate a plan that creates a win/win outcome. Both you and the other feel understood and appreciated. And yet even more, empathy is the ability to process all of this information in milliseconds. “Aspies” cannot do this. They may have many of the qualities of empathy as I have described them, but they struggle to integrate the parts into the whole, in the right time, with the right response for the situation. This profound disability leaves Neuro-Typicals not only feeling misunderstood, but feeling rejected — even bereft. " from https://kmarshack.com/2019/07/10/empathy-aspergers-style/ @Breaking - I can relate to a lot of what you say and would be happy to discuss experiences privately via email if admin can facilitate. |
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Breaking 4:19 PM Fri 9th Oct, 2020 |
I've read in other forums pointing to this forum as a hate site. However, I do think that all perspectives deserve to be heard. Just because the testimonials here are mainly from NT individuals whose relationships with their AS partners have failed does not mean that this forum exists only for the purpose of vitriol. I'd like to contribute my story. I fell in love with an AS man last year (undiagnosed, but with family on the spectrum). There were good times and bad. The main issue, to me, is that he tends to avoid conflicts and displays of negative emotions. Leaving me alone without communication seems to be his way of letting me deal with difficult feelings that I express with regards to him. I, on the other hand, am also conflict avoidant - I tend to suppress my feelings until they bubble over, so that when I do express myself it comes as a surprise to him. I am aware that much of my anxiety, feelings of despondency, trust issues, and low self esteem are of my own making. But his behaviour does amplify my negative tendencies. When he distances himself from me, I get worse. The more I try to reach out to him, the more he backs away. Communication has been the main issue lately, but there are the other familiar issues regarding porn, lack of sexual intimacy, planned and rigid routines, etc. I love him but I'm slowly withering. It has been difficult for the past month to get work done, to sleep soundly, to smile genuinely at friends and family, and even to eat. I've lost weight, and I feel weak from the inside out. This has already happened a few times in the 1.5 years since I've known him. I have had counselling in the past and I think I should seek out a counsellor again, hopefully one who has had experience with AS-NT couples and is able to guide me to cope with my anxieties better. I suppose I just wanted to say that reading these testimonials have helped me realise that I'm not alone in feeling so out of balance. I, for one, am starting to realise that I have to take more responsibility for my emotional wellness, independently of him. I won't be a trusted and reliable friend to him until I first learn to be a friend to myself. I try to cheer myself on everyday. But everyday is heartbreaking. I've left out certain information in my story due to privacy concerns. I'd love to hear feedback or to provide more information through private messages. Maybe the admin can facilitate. |
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Nana T. 3:58 PM Fri 9th Oct, 2020 |
@Heinrich, Apparently, the research has found that, ausistics are impaired on COGNITIVE empathy, but are NOT impaired in AFFECTIVE empathy. |
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Heinrich 12:46 PM Fri 9th Oct, 2020 |
Dear Nana, autism is not about being unique or quirky. It has nothing to do with shyness or being stressed. Autism is about not being able to see anyone else but oneself. Not having empathy. Just not getting other people. It is devastating loving someone on the spectrum. You say you have empathy and you do understand other people. With that said, there is no way you are on the spectrum in my opinion. |
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Nana T. 4:01 AM Fri 9th Oct, 2020 |
Just a few more things about me. I'm also very good with cognitive empathy, which is an area that generally those on the autism spectrum are impaired. I'm I'm also very able to read between the lines. Sometimes I'm even able to make guesses at why people do certain things, even reasons different than what they may say These can be negative as well, as I have the long-time tendency to speculate over when people say things to me, and would read too much into it, getting worried unnecessarily. |
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Linda 3:18 AM Fri 9th Oct, 2020 |
Hi Flavia, your post brought a huge grin to my face! Well done you. Blocking contact is a huge step forward. I remember your original post and it struck a chord with me at the time. The physical and emotional abandonment - very relatable sadly. I haven't posted my story on here but everyone's testimonials here have been a huge inspiration to me and I check in regularly. To know I'm not alone and that so many relate. I am one year out from sudden discard by an Aspie and feel like I've turned the corner recently. I still think about him from time to time and the grief & sadness overwhelms sometimes still but a lot less than it used to. I'm rebuilding, focusing on me and my children and good self care. To all of us on this journey - we deserve so much better. We've got this! |
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Flávia 9:03 AM Thu 8th Oct, 2020 |
I'm the same person from previous testimonies who described being abandoned in another country, alone, in the pandemic by a French mathematician boyfriend. We have been at a distance for 2 years. This all happened after our plan to be together in Europe and he betrayed everything by going to Canada to do his doctorate. After a few months, he returned to speak to me using me as a "safe place" where he could return as soon as he wanted to make his long flights. What I suspected today in a conversation, was that he was going to Spain to travel "alone" on "vacation". But the information was extremely contradictory, often with a "false" tone of response and with many avoidances / silences. He changed his behavior in the last months to "online" all the time on whatsapp, busy all the time and without giving priority to my messages. I was irritating with our contact and had wanted to eliminate it for a long time, but as an unconscious codependent that I was, it was very difficult for me. I started to realize that he was using me to be "his guarantee" for everything that could go wrong in his attempts, especially in this "hypothetical meeting" with a new person in Spain. Today I finally managed to block it! I know that many people are able to do this before me and I know that I received a lot of advice on this, but I never block anyone in life and I feel terrible doing it. But after so much reading codependency books and feeling like an object for months on end, I really managed to break free from this human being. I hope I don't want to look back. But I doubt that this can happen, after all, receiving a value so inferior to what I really am is something that I no longer tolerate in my healing process. He can try with thousands of people from all over the world, but every time the mask falls... he will finally be alone again. I am happy that I'm no longer there and I'd like to share this victory with you. Thanks for everything! <3 |
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Nana T. 5:32 AM Wed 7th Oct, 2020 |
Hi, Mary. I'm a male, btw. You're definitely right in what you said. But, I believe the 4 traits I mentioned are pretty constant among people on the spectrum. I think I can say that probably everyone on the spectrum has at least one of those 4(sensory issues, problem with eye contact, need for routine, literal in thinking). For me not to have ANY of those(not even in childhood); I think I most likely don't have the disorder. And I've never had these symptoms at anytime in my life, not even as a small child. But yeah,maybe I will go for a test/diagnosis sometime in the future. |
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Laurie 2:44 AM Wed 7th Oct, 2020 |
Also, I believe that righteous indignation or anger has a place in healthy relationships! Not to control or manipulate someone but rather to set boundaries or say hey, "knock it off." I grew up in a large family and if I asked a sibling to stop doing something or to help me with a favor...no problem. They/we all adapted to each other. Does not work with husband. And the boredom of no recreation, outings or conversation. It is criminal. All boils down to I am abusing myself by staying in this real form of hell on Earth 🌎! |
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Laurie 2:32 AM Wed 7th Oct, 2020 |
Thanks to all of you for sharing. You are very courageous. This website has been affirming to help me process my marriage. As Gertrude Stein said about Los Angeles, "there is no there there.. " I moved to a rural area from a beautiful city to marry my husband. Grew up 75 miles away on a farm so thought no big deal. Really, really blamed the remoteness of this area for my dead feeling for the last 15 years. Like something vital died in me by moving here. Went to counseling this summer and within 15 minutes the counselor labeled the deal... believes husband has HFA. I thought our marriage would grow and thrive over time. Instead peaked early on then nothingness. Like being married to a cardboard person. About as fulfilling or real as Velveeta cheese 🧀. Also, my counselor said that people look at me and "see" a rich farm wife. So they think I have it made! Comical. I am processing the truth that he won't miss me when I do leave/travel. I have been had in the worst way. What a bunch of deception and lies. |
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Mary 10:18 PM Tue 6th Oct, 2020 |
@Nana T. If you are looking for an potential diagnosis for yourself (or for advice for your friend Shana), the people posting here won't be qualified to do that for you. Plus, as you likely know, Autism is a spectrum, so having/not having specific traits does not rule out a diagnosis. And female Aspies in particular are exceptionally good at masking, and picking up on the 'rules' around social cues that allow them to fit in, which is why so many escape a diagnosis entirely. But there are many other sites that might help you get answers, such as WrongPlanet.net, Reddit's subforums on Aspergers, etc. Good luck, I hope you find the answers you are looking for. |
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Laure 8:19 PM Tue 6th Oct, 2020 |
@Dahlia, your comment is perfectly pertinent! I recognized myself exactly in your words. My French ex-boyfriend was obsessed with Brazil and so he probably "used me" for two years to visit everything possible with me. Certainly accompanied by me as a "facilitator" - I was a "special interest" and he really made incredible efforts (masks). And now that he got a doctorate in Canada, he didn't care about me anymore and and he abandoned me :). Simply the story didn't matter, but the impact on his selfish routine!! And now he still tries to communicate with me, but I sense that it's only out of interest to return to Brazil when he wishes (and if he doesn't find another real person who will give new benefits in the new country of study). He's cold and totally indifferent, despicable, unrecognizable. The grief of a relationship is disturbing when we face it. There isn't more traumatic way than this and everything has always been a mistake in our eyes. But luckily and consciously, I'm learning about my codependency and abandoning it as an offense once and for all! It's useless to imprison so much love and empathy with these people. |
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Idem 2:33 PM Tue 6th Oct, 2020 |
Leah@ >>>I just want to know why many aspies seem obsessed with intimacy, and talk about how wonderful it is, but then just shy away from ever actually engaging in sex with their partner?>>> They are like robots ( it is all fake) they mimic NT people, they think intimacy is important for us so they talk about it. When it comes to action they shy away as they are not interested and with all these sensory issues they clearly struggle with it. |
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Nana T 10:32 AM Tue 6th Oct, 2020 |
And now, for some things that I happen to have in common with 'Aspies'/Autistics. 1. I have always been good with math. I could/can do math in my head. in 7th grade, one kid called me a 'human calculator'. Earlier, the teacher came and told me how good and accurate my mathwork was 2. I can remember a whole lot of things in accuracy over my lifetime. I can tell you what grade I was in when they happened or when I did so and so. I can often tell you what part of the school year I went somewhere, did something, etc. I can tell you what year and what month(or what season), I did something, etc. And as I mentioned earlier, I am very good at remembering people as well. 3. I've been known as a 'quiet' person by many since late elementary school years. But starting in late high school, social awkwardness(and moments of not knowing what to say) set in. In high school I did not fit in with my classmates and did not follow trends much at all. But there were reasons for this, which I've been able to fix. But, from the time I was 3/4 up through middle school, I socialized with my peers pretty normally. Elementary school I remember joking with my classmates, daycare mates, etc. I remember engaging with people of all ages in fun conversation. I played with kids in my neighborhood(s) all through elementary school. 4. I did get diagnosed with ADD in elementary school(not sure if I really have that or not). I did struggle in school because of not being interested and not having much confidence. I was able to perform well in school, when I was really determined, esp. in middle and high school. I read that many Aspies are greatly talented in math, have exceptional long term memories, get misdiagnosed with ADD, etc. |
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Nana T 9:46 AM Tue 6th Oct, 2020 |
Now for a little of my story. This is the reason I ended up on this website. My mom actually thought I might have Asperger's, which she mentioned to me in 2017. She even tried to get me to go to Autism speaks to help me in getting a proper Job. This is partly what made her think I had Asperger's. I had been with Walmart for 6 years and had been going to interviews to get an accounting job(also since 2011), but had not landed anything. I had been to 5 interviews over the course of 2017(3 at the time she mentioned to me that she thought I had Asperger's). There may have been a few things she read(which I'll get to later) that also made her think that I may have had it. Anyways, I went to an interview in early 2018, and finally landed an accounting gig with a small company, that I'm still with at the moment. Since that time, she hasn't mentioned autism or asperger's again. So I'm thinking maybe she later realized I probably do NOT have it. Anyways, from the time my mom brought that up to me, I did not want to believe that I was on the autism spectrum. But, in the back of my mind I kept thinking that I probably did. I even found myself thinking things I did, were because of possibly having autism/asperger's. I even saw myself in pics and videos and thought that I 'looked' autistic or something,lol. It was like this from 2017 up until a few months ago, when I started doing a whole bunch of reading about autism/asperger's myself(articles, messageboards, etc.). Now, I have enough evidence that tells me that I most likely am NOT on the autism spectrum at all. To start: The fundamental/core traits of autism, I do NOT have. 1. I have never had any sensory issues. I have always been able to wear any type of clothing. I am not especially sensitive to any lights, loud noise, stimuli. I dislike overly bright lights, in the way that most people do. 2. I have never had trouble with eye contact anytime in my life 3. I've understood figures of speech for as long as I can remember; and am not a literal person 4. I have never had any special need for routines. I have had routines in my adult life, but they were not rigid at all. Whenever I have had to switch things up, for whatever reason, it has never been disturbing to me. 5. Even as a child, I had varying interests. I was interested in cultures of the world. I enjoyed reading about all different subjects and people in the World Book encyclopedias(early 90s books). But I also watched a whole lot of TV(too much actually). I enjoyed riding my bike daily. I played soccer on a team. 6. Faceblindness is common in autism. I don't know what percentage of folks on the autism spectrum have faceblindness. But, I absolutely do not have this. Even as an elementary school child I would recognize people no matter where I saw them. Even people that I did not know well, I would recognize them if I saw them elsewhere. That's all for now. More in another post. |
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Nana T 8:40 AM Tue 6th Oct, 2020 |
Anyone remember the scenario I posted about, last week. The FB convo between me and my friend Shan? Well, the gentleman that she broke up with a few months ago; HE is already engaged(well, according to his facebook post)now to a woman that lives in Uganda, that he has virtually 'dated' for 3/4 months. Just thought that was odd for two people on two different continents, who have NOT met, and have talked for a few months, to be ready to be engaged already. |
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Kieran. I 5:00 AM Tue 6th Oct, 2020 |
Been reading these a while now off and on. Helped me realize I'm not alone. Relationships are a struggle for all human beings, I just feel it's a unique challenge for those with a partner that has aspergers. Arguements are normal, they're one of the unpleasant but necessary parts of communication. I just desperately wish my partner could do that like other people can. No eye contact, a lack of body language and if he shows any its inappropriate. When he is angry, he's too angry- like can't talk to me angry and must dominate angry through screaming or threats. I know that's not normal. Other men are out there like myself- who when they're angry with their partner know that you're a team and let's sort it out / get along. I don't get that vibe from him ever. It makes me feel a little more disappointed every day. He's a great friend. I just don't understand how I will live with this man for the rest of my life when this is the kind of person he is. Need to take care of myself. It's hard but I hope it will be worth it. |
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Leah 12:30 AM Tue 6th Oct, 2020 |
Hi everyone. I've been reading these testimonies for many months now, and they've been so helpful in getting me to not feel so alone. I dated an Aspie, who was 18 years older than me, for just about 11months. He told me, before we were officially together of his diagnosis, and how he received it almost 30 years ago, when many of those on the spectrum were still being missed. However, he sweet talked to me about his dream of meeting someone who saw him as more than his diagnosis/didn't define him by his diagnosis. I was touched by this info he shared, and also had confidence from the fact that he did not seem socially awkward; i had met people previously, who were diagnosed with Aspergers and they all came across as out-right socially awkward types, who never dated. My ex was 48 when we got together, and although he doesn't work and has seemingly grown lazy in his 40s, when he was younger he used his diagnosis to drive him to try and defy odds, by being part of a nationally competitive ultimate frisby team, volunteering for youth international travel groups, and joining a town development council. He has done none of that though for the past 10+ years and is now what you'd consider an insanely isolated individual; looking at things now, it's a true unfortunate wonder that i had ever come to meet him. Its been nearly 1-year since we broke up and I'm still mad, and feeling abandoned. I have read every single testimony on this page and have seen that I'm not alone in this, but have not really seen anyone really address why this.....WHY do so many aspires talk about sex/intamacy often, but seem to have no ability to engage in the actual act after the initial honeymoon phase? The vulnerability I put myself in showing strong consistent desire, and obvious initiations that went on unaddressed with sometimes cold, harsh rejection, has caused me such humiliation that has made me more mad than just about anything about our relationship. The consident/growing lack of reciprocity overall, and just the constant badgering about how awful I was, and how great he was as a person, is what really caused me to call it quits on our relationship. We almost broke up several times before the final time, and he always drew me back by bringing up our lack of sexual relationship, and how our initiate relationship would come back and be amazing if I stayed with him (it never happened). I just want to know why many aspies seem obsessed with intimacy, and talk about how wonderful it is, but then just shy away from ever actually engaging in sex with their partner? |
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Lisa 8:11 PM Mon 5th Oct, 2020 |
Michelle, I feel exactly the same and would love to talk. |
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Khey 8:08 PM Mon 5th Oct, 2020 |
I want to share with you my story, since I decided last thursday to end my relationship with an undiagnosed Aspie (I think I'm right). We met each other on the internet 2 years ago. He was studying, and it took us 2 months of texting before having a date. He told me that "I don't understand social protocols, so I don't like being with people", "I stutter when I think about ordering a coffee", "I'm not confortable with sex, and kissing". We started dating and I focused all my energy on making him comfortable. We had sex (no connection at all, no kisses, no foreplay, and a lot of the things I've read around aspies and sex) but very very very few times - once every 3 weeks, and then suddenly stopped- First "my cold hands", then " the moon", and finally " I have this important exam, so I will not be available for intimacy until it ends - and he is stil studying. We have been celibate since then (1.5 years). He is not able to follow small talk, not even listening to me when I'm talking about something that is important to me (90% of the time, silent, or turning on the radio or changing topics while I'm talking). We just hold hands and hug when going to sleep. He is used to ask "is everything ok?" and if I say "yes" there is no further sharing. He just wants to share films, youtube videos (on his interests) and mountain walks with me. I also realised when I share something with him, that he doesn't understand the emotional part. I told him I was divorced, and after being silent I told him... "What do you think about it..?" " His answers... " I don't know, it's up to you" and this kind of weird answer... Last week when I told him I was leaving he promised me he would fight for the relationship, being affectionate and going out with me (something that has not happened in 2 years). I feel exhausted and drained, and I think that he is never going to provide me the level of connection I need in an intimate relationship. Sometimes he hugs me and kisses me slightly in the mouth but I don't feel it is sincere. Just want to share. I don't know whether to settle or keep going with the breakup. Something inside me tells me that nothing is going to change. Just maybe temporary, just like when we started. Thanks for your testimonials. |
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Dahlia 7:47 PM Mon 5th Oct, 2020 |
It’s heartbreaking and hard to accept, but unfortunately no one is “everything” for an AS. They don’t miss us for who we are or what we have done and experienced together. If they miss us, they miss what we did or can do for them in the future... If their longtime partner leaves or dies, AS miss benefits and services a partner can provide, like good economy, someone to do the work they don’t like, to organize their social and domestic life... ASs don’t like change and are heavily dependent on routines, so a partner leaving can be disruptive, but as soon as they re-establish their routines and get economic issues sorted out, everything is good in AS-land.... It’s heartbreaking, but they really don’t have deep connection with and romantic love for their partners, at least not how NTs feel and think love. AS-love is more about cost/benefits, functionality and partners meeting their needs all the time. That’s why they are so “in and out” and “hot and cold” in relationships. They are “hot” when they need us and we “function” as expected, and “cold” when they have other priorities or we stop to function properly (like when we are sick or have needs of our own)... Please don’t worry how they will manage emotionally without you, they will be perfectly fine sooner than you can believe... ASs are usually more deeply connected to things, like cars, house appliances, electronics etc, than to real people in their lives. Sad but in my experience true :( |
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Alex 5:04 PM Mon 5th Oct, 2020 |
@Trevor, yes, the point is that nothing is clear and nothing has a sense in the usual way. (not from Northen Ireland, so im afraid there’s more than one girl like that…) I finally came to surrender, just trying not to look for more meanings where i suspect there is not at all, or in any case i dont care any more because is not good for me. This last year stress and anxiety has made me lose almost 30 lb, that’s just one glimpse of how i have been. As you said, if those messages meant nothing and wanted nothing with me, why did she send them? Why did she came to me? Is she aware that this attitude and messages mean something more than friendship in the context we where? Frankly, i dont care any more. I wont waste any other minute of my life analysing her messages. After that i had a major issue in my life involving one of my closest first degree family members and i was rewarded the next months with support through silence and distance. Not to mention how i had helped her in any possible aspect and way. Look, I really feel sorry for her, as i see her suffering and sometimes guilt and its real, still lover her and have regular contact. Now much less since im not a major interest any more, but some kind. But I also know that i dont want to have her as a partner, besides the fact that she left me. And i have to say that lately i am starting to feel a nice and peaceful feeling inside. I dont want to suffer any more, dont want to spend my time wondering what she means, what she wants, what have i done wrong, just cancelling everything in my life waiting for her to decide what to do, just to decide in the last second that wants to be left alone or do any other thing without me… finally is just a toxic relationship, no matter if its because asp. But I know what you mean, with a no ASD woman would be much more easy to let go, I also feel the same way. @Idem you are right, all those messages are not accurate at all, and lead everyone to frustration and damage. I think also for aspies, as they many times keep bumping on the wall trying again and again what is not possible. To be honest I don’t think they really want to be into a relationship with anyone. For what I have seen they don’t understand what it really takes. But leading to the point we are now, i think is just in our side to decide how long do we want to continue to consume ourselves. In my opinion, is just not possible to be into a healthy relationship with them, no matter how hard we try. And remember, they don't mind letting us down, don’t forget that. |
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Kevin 10:26 AM Mon 5th Oct, 2020 |
I am so greatful to have found this site. I've been in relationship with an undiagnosed aspie for almost ten years. I feel alone, invisible, unattended too. I go through periods of just sucking it up and moving along with life and then I go through periods of struggle and constant desire to leave. I am his life, it's too much. I don't know how to leave without totally crushing him. |
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Miel 3:42 AM Mon 5th Oct, 2020 |
@Karen Your experience echoes mine: the added betrayal of having trusted him as a friend, his anxiety and relentless anger (not to mention his terrible fashion sense and videos). You did nothing wrong. He made you feel loved and you reciprocated. (They mean nothing they say but, they’ll also say whatever it takes to stoke your feelings.) It’s normal to react negatively to the senseless cruelty of their rejection. Take comfort in the fact that he soon may not even remember you as the mask often hinders their memory (in part, this is why they’re so shameless.) This forum and endorphins saved my life. That anxiety and low self-esteem feeling of no longer knowing who you are is partly chemical. I liken it to whiplash, the emotional result of your love getting so violently jerked by a jerk. Working out helped with these feelings. Any activity that exhausts you enough to push him from your mind will eventually strengthen you enough to forget him. I highly recommend it. |
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Idem 8:40 PM Sun 4th Oct, 2020 |
Alex@, David@ You are perfectly correct. Unfortunately the problem is that we are constantly bombarded by press, different pro-autistic organisation claiming that they are so poor, abused and bullied by NT people that we should be so UNDERSTANDING to them all the time. There are this YouTube talks by Australian Aspie bloke ( don't remember his name) and from their perspective it is : -They are often overwhelmed by different situation and life in general so they have to re-charge and be left alone ....they get into meltdowns and shut downs so WE SHOULD BE UNDERSTANDING -if there is any problem in relationships which needs discussing ( what is normal in any relationships) it happens the same they get overwhelmed,shut down and that it is and again WE SHOULD BE UNDERSTANDING -if NT partner has any problem ( maybe someone close in family died) it is the same they don't know not to support us so they get into meltdowns and shut downs so WE SHOULD BE UNDERSTANDING So I don't understand why they don't just live alone or go in relationships which each other ? What benefit they bring in relation with NT person? Even ( I don't have these experiences) but sex with them is mechanical with zero tenderness....so it is the same like buying sex toy as replacement. At least sex toy would not get into meltdowns that it was touched in wrong time in wrong place and she does not like it. |
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Trevor 8:19 PM Sun 4th Oct, 2020 |
@Alex the 'clear' message you've got might be only clear to person with ASD. Since they can't read between the lines I assume they have no clue that "Nothing, don't worry about my messages because they don't mean anything." is very manipulative, especially while they keep sending these messages and won't go away. I bet you asked yourself 'If they didn't mean anything then why were you sending them in the first place?'. Probably any person with a drop of logic in their head will ask this question. To normal person such message can sound the same as NT woman saying 'Nothing.' when you see she's pissed off and you ask 'What's wrong?'. It's constructed the way that it sends a negative emotion and will cause you to seek what wrong you have done. It's the exact tone the girl I was involved with was using. Very enigmatic, arrogant and manipulative. Please tell me that you don't live in Northern Ireland cause I involuntarily keep reading what you quote in this girl's voice. I can only advice you what my friend did advice to me. Stay away from this woman and you'll be fine. I did for a year and I was great until my recent interaction with her. Now even knowing that she has ASD I'm still completely confused and having hard time letting it go as I would with any other incompatible woman. Stay strong mate! |
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Alex 6:31 PM Sun 4th Oct, 2020 |
@David you are awfully right. We cannot respond eternally with more empathy to those who dont recognise it. The only thing we get is to end up emotionally exhausted and empty. I have a degree on that. This is difficult and painful because surely many of us are highly sensitive, empathic and possibly in need of recognition (I speak for me). The natural response would be to increase the dose of empathy, but this is totally useless. Just as it is useless to ask ourselves what we have done wrong, why they have left us, why we have not been able to alleviate their suffering, why they keep ignoring us any our needs... We have to start using some of that empathy towards ourselves, recognising the value of the effort made and knowing that we too deserve to be loved, understood and forgiven for who we are. Because at the end we are also using a mask denying ourselves what we are, want, need… just to get some crumbles of affection, and maybe not even that. In my case I also need to stop looking for meaning and coherence where there is not. For me it was very clear, after some absolutely consuming months looking for the meaning of her messages and her actions I asked her directly what they meant, because I really thought that she wanted to go further and I was not being able to reach her. The answer hurt me a lot, but surely it was the most clear one I could have: "Nothing, don't worry about my messages because they don't mean anything". So let's keep our empathy and understanding to ourselves as well, don't judge us too harshly and keep going on because the world is full of people who can love and appreciate us for what we are, even if we are not perfect. I also say all this to give some strenght to myself, i am fully aware of how difficult it is sometimes to give up and move on. We should start dating among us, he he. |
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Karen 3:34 PM Sun 4th Oct, 2020 |
Hi Michelle I would love to chat, I hear you and I feel your pain. I am still reeling in pain months later, my heart physically aches. No closure, no understanding.. I’m at fault. I know it’s for the best but it seems I have low esteem and feel so low. I am happy to talk and support each other. ADMIN: Karen, I have removed your email address. If Michelle would like to email us, I’d be happy to pass it on. |
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Jean 10:22 AM Sun 4th Oct, 2020 |
@ David- so right! A friend wisely reminds me sometimes the healthiest thing to do is "ration the compassion". |
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Vicky 9:05 AM Sun 4th Oct, 2020 |
Michelle - you have the exact relationship I lived for 21 years. The awful feelings you have now will eventually extinguish your soul as the years tick by. I am 5 months divorced and I smile and feel happy every day. I was just hanging out with my friend and told if I knew I could be this happy without him I would have left years ago. You are stuck as I was by the fear of the unknown. I am living the unknown and it is fantastic. I no longer have to endure him being neglectful, minimal communication, robotic mannerisms, me having to take the initiative for everything and just joyless existence of that relationship. I know you are still there but I too thought of ending it every day for 4 years & to this day I can’t figure out why I dragged it out. I was telling myself I was unhappy and even started getting sick but I stayed and I regret not taking care of myself by leaving sooner. I am choosing to make up for lost time and love me each day! I hope you find your resolution. |
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Michelle 10:09 PM Sat 3rd Oct, 2020 |
Karen I just read your post. Even though it hurts you are super lucky he spit you out. I am 4 years into a relationship with a man who is high functioning. The pain he causes me is bone crushing. I always blame myself for his weirdness thinking I’m not lovable. My friends remind me that he is weird and I’m not. :) He is so super selfish. I’ve never received a real gift ( he got me a life preserver for Christmas one year. For my paddleboard so I could be law compliant) I have spent thousands on him over the years. I just figured I do t really need gifts and that receiving a gift is t important. Turns out over time it makes me feel worthless. There are COUNTLESS stories I could tell. On the outside my dude looks normal. Tall, handsome, smart, accomplished... but ... he is far from normal. He is not diagnosed because he refuses to go to a Thearpist. I spent thousands of dollars seeing a couple who specialize in neurodiverse relationships. I went to understand but it does not eliminate the pain he causes. I keep thinking one day he will get it. He won’t. We live together. I’m like his mom. I do everything. He is on his computer constantly. Sometimes he is awake for two days no sleep researching his pet topics. He is very social but is very surfacy. Sex is awesome BUT it has no emotional connection. He gets up right away gets dressed and leaves the room. He never says I love you first. If I say it he parrots back in a super weird voice. We have never cuddled. He never reaches for me... Why do I stay. I’m so tired... I think about breaking up all day everyday. But I don’t. I do t want another failed relationship. Actually this is a failed relationship. I need the plutonic attention of other men just to keep myself from going over the edge. I have thought of suicide... the depths his weirdness bring me to is unimaginable... he has no idea. He is busy being himself. For anyone who is reading this and gets it I would love to chat. There are no support groups for people lime us. There should be! I’m in Southern California. |
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Amber 9:29 PM Sat 3rd Oct, 2020 |
Please help. I have posted before. Living with father-in-law with HFA.Does anyone feel so frustrated at the lack of understanding to have reciprocal care or empathy and trying to explain to the individual how this works to them and they sit there looking dumbfounded and say the most inappropriate hurtful things just to prove they haven't understood a word of what your saying.I then end up getting angry and start shouting with frustration. I feel so guilty for losing my temper, but even then the reaction from them is like talking to a cupboard cutout. I then beat myself up thinking I'm the heartless, uncaring individual. |
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David 9:24 PM Sat 3rd Oct, 2020 |
I've found it useful to no longer make a firm distinction between aspie and non-aspie, but rather to acknowledge that certain behaviors are incompatible with fulfilling relationships (no matter what the underlying cause might be). We are always looking for diagnostic boxes to put people in- it helps us make sense of the world. But in the case of relationships, I look for certain qualities that can add value to my life. I also want to do the same for my partner. The universal traits that are common to all successful relationships are empathy, selflessness, and emotional reciprocity. Aspies represent an extreme example of just the opposite, and they unknowingly provide us with a useful (if painful) lesson. My interaction with them has helped me understand what is most important to me in a relationship. When I hear from people struggling with their empathy-deficient partners, I wonder whether co-dependency is part of the problem. A co-dependent person constantly needs to "rescue" such disordered people in order to feel good about themselves. That is not a healthy way to think. In order to guard against being sucked into an emotional black hole where one gives but gets nothing in return, we need to become more self-centered and have less empathy when dealing with empathy-deficient people. This does not come easy for us, but we need to do it. My "empathy switch" was always in the "on" position, and this was emotionally exhausting and self-defeating. I have learned (and continue to learn) to selectively turn it off with some people in order to protect myself and have a better quality of life. As difficult as this may be, it's a good way to restore one's self worth and dignity, and to move on. |
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Karen 12:41 PM Sat 3rd Oct, 2020 |
I met a beautiful, intelligent and charismatic man 4 years ago at a camp. I felt chemistry then but timing was not right as we both were in relationships. We kept in platonic contact for 4 years online mainly. I reached out to him when my marriage failed, we chatted online for a few weeks before he offered to drive down and meet up. To cut a long story short...I fell hard, I adored him - between that date and knowing him from afar for 4 years I thought he was just incredible! I ignored the red flags because I was so besotted....the flags were.. talking about himself a lot ( I was mesmerised, so that was ok!), clothing limitations, awkward but at times charming socially, food limitations, limited friendships, minimal contact with family, adverse to change, anxiety, negative outlook, awkward questions before intimacy, insular, very intelligent, he told me he could get very angry, so many assumptions and misunderstandings, several relationships ( at 47), son with ASD, no goals, makes thousands of edited music videos, anxious, sensitive, cried but he didn’t want to be comforted. We had an evening of intimacy, I initiated it - I offered feelings ( just that I liked him) - he backed away. I apologised ( I unsure of what), he blocked me, I waited 5 weeks then sent a gift for his birthday, he was angry with me, I waited and contacted him again, apologising - for anything I could - I didn’t understand, a month later ( just wanting understanding..), his anger towards me continued...finally I let go - I adored him. I feel traumatised by my feelings, his lack of communication - so I could understand. This website helps... I know I should have let go after his first ambivalent reply but I was infatuation. I have researched many conditions and disorders trying to figure myself out and what I did wrong ( I’m possibly rejection sensitive with low esteem). However he ticks many boxes for HF ASD. My heart feels broken but I know it’s for the best. |
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Jean 7:55 AM Sat 3rd Oct, 2020 |
I still occasionally see or talk to my ex whom I strongly suspect is ASD. Once I understood my resentment lessened and it made it easier to accept him as a friend, or loose aquaintence is probably more accurate since a romantic or even true reciprocal friendship isn't likely. Anyway, I've known him about ten years. He's had three cars. Today he purchased the third one, and it was the exact same make model and color as the previous 2. I just found that so amusingly typical. Also, I never realized it until having some time and space before communication resumed, but he talks about himself in the third person sometimes. A little reading into this brought up an article about this in autistic kids and a study that was done with deaf autistic kids. Something about the mind blindness to even themselves. Interesting and sad. |
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Idem 3:38 AM Sat 3rd Oct, 2020 |
Fla@ I think that with NT partners we usually quite quickly establish main points - if they are caring, sensitive, lavish or mean with money, lazy, abrupt selfish....There are always small things which we discover later ( habits) but they are not so vital in relationships. I think in the beginning we all put on some masks to come across better but this masks are not so strong and when dropped it is not so traumatic for partners. Another thing - in NT relationships - partners come from different homes, backgrounds with different habits so we usually just compromise - in healthy relationships 50% each. Aspie don't compromise they expect NT partner to compromise 100%- first unhealthy unbalance. I was watching some Aspie talks on YouTube except the fact that they are not capable to love anyone as they have problems with defining their feeling they also need lots time alone to re-charge. They are so focused on themselves that it is like narcissistic behaviour. For me they are like emotionally disabled people. Maybe it would be ok if they say it all upfront to their future partners but they hide it and cheat emotionally. |
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Flá 3:04 AM Fri 2nd Oct, 2020 |
Many people who talk to me about my relationship with an ex-aspie question me something very similar to the one described in the penultimate comment @Idem - October 1, 2020. And it's something that I'm reflecting on lately and I'm building a thought as I heal my codependency itself. But in our current context, thinking about romantic relationships, we migrate from monogamy to so many other types of bonds that we create with a new partner. Within any of these relationship formats, I realize that we're adapting with the greatest fluidity of our partner exchanges, with our openness to not getting married too, with the exchange of partners more quickly and, especially, our less tolerance for deviations in behavior from our partners. All of this in a very positive evolutionary form in which "we learned not to accept the smallest for us", which in the past was silenced or even absent. This in relationships with or without neurodiversity. Let's say that we're more alert to what we must endure and we must not endure (intolerable) in the treatment we give / receive from others. This context differs from many decades ago in which relationships were anchored in many categories of stability in people's lives, in which divorces were as exhausting as choice and morally compromising. And, obviously, the fact that the internet didn't exist made it more difficult for these "alerts" to circulate as information to us before making choices or knowing deeply what we know today (in seconds). I'm in many NT partner groups and read many comments from people already married to their aspies partners over 30/40/50 years together often associated with the comments "If I had known this before, I would have run very far!". All this to say that I was reflecting and that I'd like to share with you. Knowing that our emotional "patience / intolerance" takes a very different path from "we must endure everything", what will it be for Aspergers partners? Especially the most unconscious and who can be so "abusive". That is, how many people are truly "supporting" all of this as so many people have endured in long marriages or relationships? At the age of 30 I felt that I went to the limit of mental / emotional / psychological / physical exhaustion in just two years and with a DISTANCE relationship! And when I read the comments of people who stayed longer and the emotional strength with which they dedicated YEARS OF LIFE to these people, I cannot project a similar current reality. And I don't say all of that to invalidate any choice to go or stay. On the contrary, I wonder how this type of relationship with an Aspie can support our new ways? We're already having more difficulties in establishing affective bonds with people without neurodiversity, with emotional resources to make it work, I cannot imagine what a future would be like with an Aspie inserted in it. I hope it was clear and I'd love your opinion. I embrace you all dear people! Thank you for everything! <3 |
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Alex 7:35 PM Thu 1st Oct, 2020 |
Yes, I also find this page life saving. I keep reading the posts every time I break, start blaming myself for something I did do, say, didnt do, say… Every time I want to text her, even if the personal issue is over, just because I die for my little portion of attention, now gone. 100 to 0. Because she texts me when she wants something. Even proposed me to go to a concert with her, that’s something that always did when together and in all the dating phase. Now I know is not me, is the concert. Well, and also invited me to go to a place in group, also with her new “partner”… without telling me before that was with someone new. Imagine that I went there… luckily enough I was starting to take care of myself and said no. No words. So reading all your posts is really helping me to be strong, not initiate any kind of contact and say no to the proposals. My mind knows it was just smoke, but my heart is not aware of that, because for me it all was real and had a meaning. I live in a small town, so is not possible zero contact since part of social circle is common and have some work issues together. That’s why now I must give my best to get out of this obsession I have, I am ashamed but must admit it, and go ahead. Its been months of constantly thinking of her, moreover with this 24/7 wtspp chatting, nice words an attention, sending me things, even when the official relationship was over. The constant attention continued the same, that’s why I always thought she was still feeling something for me and I had a chance. Except when she disappeared and needed space. Which would drive me crazy. Thanks @Idem, @Clare, @Trevor, thanks for your words. I know is really hard and painful, but to cut on time is best thing to do. I wish I had never started anything with her. I am lucky because I have good friends who are helping me to get over, but for me this place is important because I feel people here really understand what I have been going through. Is not just meeting a “bad person”, as my friends say. Its more than that, and it makes it more difficult. But as @David says, at the end damage is damage. Thanks David for speaking so clearly, it helps so much. I guess we all know, but its also important to hear it from the outside. And reading your experiences and thoughts reassures me when doubts, pain and guilt arrive. I tell myself that even though she is a wonderful person who suffers unjustly, I have been emotionally abused, ignored, neglected, confused, used and denied. Me and all of us have to move out of here, no matter how. |
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beth 4:15 PM Thu 1st Oct, 2020 |
Married 5yrs with my undiag as for 15yrs. We just split up 2wks ago. I can finaly breath out. Been the worst exper of my life but I will never look back. I come to this sight almost every day for reassurance. Thank you all. x |
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Idem 3:04 PM Thu 1st Oct, 2020 |
Joe@- It is spot on description. The problem is that lots of NT people are not so observant, perceptive and they miss these signs. When you see rude, arrogant,mean NT person it is easy to notice.We don't accept it but we understand it. Aspies with constant masking - they play game which is dangerous for NTs- they are nice, considerate...than mask drops once, twice, more often and we are left completely confused. It is so contradictive behaviour that we struggle to understand. I also noticed that when they find as 'prey' they want to get married quickly as they can't keep this mask too long. I am not sure what they are thinking that prey is caught and locked with no escape? It is 21 century and divorces are still easy available. Unless their next step is playing guilt and control game so NT person will feel trapped. |
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Laurie 1:09 PM Thu 1st Oct, 2020 |
I have 2 master's degrees and 2 bachelor's degrees and constantly read and is research. HFA husband has high school diploma. He knows it all however! No room for new ideas or discussing anything. He has it all sewed up. |
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Joe 11:19 AM Thu 1st Oct, 2020 |
Aspie behavior can actually be scary for a NT person to witness. The whole idea of a person who can literally only think or care about themselves and their perspective is frightening. The narcissism, stubbornness, constant criticism and whining, mindblindness, meltdowns out of nowhere, verbal and physical abuse, negativity, and bizarre, controlling behavior in general can be very traumatizing to a NT person. The scariest part, however, is the just the whole robotic, lack of human connection. It feels like you aren't even communicating with another human being. In response to "Over", yes, it is normal for them to be neurotic, unreasonable, and complain nonstop and ruin anything good by either pointing out something negative or going out of their way to ruin it themselves. It seems like they're constantly anxious and need a problem to fixate on so if there is no problem they will go out of their way to make one. You can't make a situation with them better because they lack reasoning abilities and don't understand that there are different perspectives to problems. To them only their point of view exists which is an insane concept to any NT person. |
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Roisin 9:38 AM Thu 1st Oct, 2020 |
IMHO - if you wish to extricate yourself from a relationship with an Aspie - keep a journal for sure!- (365 or more days of "what was I thinking?"). Hold your head high, and keep on moving forward, step by step. Block the Aspie from all social media, and from your cell phone and land line. Do not relent. Time will be your friend. Stay strong. Take care of yourself -be good to yourself. If you recognize codependency on your part, get help for that - there are many online resources available to you, and you will become stronger and much more confident, and you will eventually be far less likely to fall into a relationship which saps you completely, while you are pulling out all stops to serve another who truly will never appreciate your efforts. Stop second guessing yourself!! I noticed major red flags early on, and allowed people to convince me that a healthy relationship was possible - still sorry that I listened to those well-meaning folks. And keep reading and re-reading these testimonials - we are all spilling our guts out here on this website. Save yourselves, whether it be early, or later on, in a relationship. I have mentioned that I am still working my way out of a financial mess caused by my departure from my living arrangement with my Aspie, but am now exponentially happier and much more at ease in my life, and am able to breathe, to enjoy, to take deep breaths, to experience each day fully. Don't ever, ever fool yourself into believing that you are the one magical person who will change your Aspie, when all those whom have gone before you have failed. All the very best to all of us, always! |
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Lynn 6:00 AM Thu 1st Oct, 2020 |
Thank you all for your testimonials, which really helped me process a very tumultuous relationship which I had with an undiagnosed Aspie man more than a year ago. I dated him for three and a half months. Initially, it was fabulous--like a dream come true! He was tall, handsome, very intelligent, fluent in four languages and had a high-paying job in IT/engineering. We had tremendous chemistry together, and he was a wonderful lover. He cooked gourmet meals for me, wrote me love poems, sent flowers, bought me clothes, jewelry, chocolates. I was quite swept away by all this--although now I realize it was love-bombing. We decided to get married and even set a date. We planned a honeymoon and began looking at lovely homes which we could potentially move into after the wedding. But then I began noticing some serious red flags. He was 58 and had been divorced three times--and his most recent marriage only lasted 5 months. (I am 62, a never-married professional woman). One of his daughters from a previous marriage was diagnosed with Aspergers and another was a teenager who had been hospitalized twice for suicidal ideation. He had no friends. He had narrow special interests, including military history, airplanes and model trains, and knew a vast amount about all these areas. He moved into my house for six and a half weeks, and became very jealous, controlling and possessive, wanting me to spend all my time with him and not see any of my friends. I took him to a couple of social events and he had a meltdown. He could not make eye contact or small talk when speaking with people and thought (incorrectly) that I was flirting with the other men at the events. He insisted on a strict routine and freaked out if something was not scheduled. This was a real deal-killer for me, since I like variety and spontaneity and am very sociable. I asked him if we could have a longer engagement--six months or a year--to make sure we were really compatible. He declined, I now believe because he couldn't keep up the masking for six months. Although I was only with him for a short period of time, I was beginning to lose my sense of agency and felt that I had to contort myself into a pretzel to accommodate his routines and quirks. I also felt like I was walking on eggshells when I took him to social events and could not mingle with the other guests and be myself. So I broke up with him on Valentine's Day last year. It was a very difficult decision because I did love him--or at least the image he was projecting during this "honeymoon" phase of our relationship. But I believe this was one of the best decisions I ever made. I truly believe I dodged a bullet. Stay strong and best wishes to all! |
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Clare 4:56 AM Thu 1st Oct, 2020 |
@mary I know you are not being mean. I think you are 100% right in what you say. I need to look deep within myself. I have have had counselling before and it was already established that I have problems stemming from parent/child role reversal after my mom left and my dad took to the bottle, then my long term relationship that started at 15 was with a lad who's mom had left him and so he treated me more like I was his mom our whole relationship. There is definitely a pattern here. I do also feel like I am trying to prove something all the time, and I dont exactly know what, or to whom. I feel so much calmer today because I feel I have accepted that it can't go any further, and im so grateful I found this site when I did. Thanks for your comments |
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Kitty 3:45 AM Thu 1st Oct, 2020 |
I'm not sure who owns this site, or even which country it operates from (Aussie land?) but I just like to say, from the absolute bottom of my heart what a godsend it is. I read every testimonial and honestly, I have saved a fortune in therapy by coming here. I split up with an aspie in February and finally I'm beginning to feel a mild degree of indifference towards them (I was obsessed with them when with him, he asked me to marry him, but I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that it was fake and 'mirroring'! Davis et al have been a blessing. I'm grateful that there are others on this site who can articulate in words what I'm feeling as the whole Cassandra/gaslighting/invalidation is very real and almost impossible to explain to my friends and family. Anyway, keep the faith, people. Remember, there is a whole world of lovely people out there reaching out for connection and intimacy. Let's chalk it up to experience and be stronger (and more aware) for our next encounter! Peace. X |
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Idem 3:21 AM Thu 1st Oct, 2020 |
Alex@ >>>>>They don’t know what they feel, don’t know what they want and don’t know who they are. You, you are not even in the picture, its just not possible, there is no picture, there is no frame. Just colours. I imagine that it is like looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing only the colours without the shape. But they will try to fit in over and over, and have great social mask, develop amazing skills just to be like anyone else. Because they desperately want to fit in a world that just don’t understand.>>> This is so good description and you come across as so intelligent , observant, compassionate man. I think with time ( even it is very painful!!!!) you will find someone who will appreciate you. In conclusion - they are very unhappy people- like aliens who landed on the earth in error. |
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Mary 2:49 AM Thu 1st Oct, 2020 |
@Clare. Let me bring some focus to your hurt and confusion. In the first few months you were so put off by this man, that you blocked him. Now, just 7 weeks into a reconciliation, he's "gone dark" on you for over a week. Let's leave out the Autism and assess this independently. Let me ask you: When you make your list of ideal traits of your Dream Guy, does disappearing for a full week without explanation appear on that list? How about "keeping you unsettled, confused, and on eggshells?" I'm thinking the answer is NO. These are not on your Wish List. Since you are not truly invested, not living together, not married, and have no kids together, you are perfectly primed to go find yourself a better man. If you stay, then you need to realize that it's not because he is a fantastic "catch" ... but rather because there is something in YOUR own psychological makeup, back-story, family of origin (etc) that keeps you waiting and hoping for a guy like this to act right, validate and choose you. Or because you have a deep-down desire to "fix" him and prove your own special-ness. I say this not to be mean, Clare, but rather with the most helpful of intentions, because this is a common dynamic for people who are involved with Aspies (myself included). I have been on that same journey of trying to figure out why-Oh-why I stayed so long with a guy who was so inadequate and incapable of meeting my needs starting at Date No. 1. |
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David 10:01 PM Wed 30th Sep, 2020 |
Dear all- do not feel guilty about not understanding an aspie. Our empathy for such people is self-defeating. Just understand that you have been manipulated by a person who doesn't care about you. Whether they are neurologically capable of caring about you is irrelevant. That is their problem- don't make it yours. Just use the valuable experiences of people on this website to recognize this behavior, cut your losses, and move on. I know, it's easier said than done, but we need to protect ourselves. Frankly, it doesn't matter to me whether someone doesn't care because they can't (because of a neurological problem), or because they won't (because it's their choice)- either way they're not good for us. A little less empathy on our part, when dealing with someone who lacks empathy, is the best approach in my opinion. Too much empathy can be just as bad as too little. We all need to strike a better balance (myself included). |
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Elodie 8:48 PM Wed 30th Sep, 2020 |
@Aussie - thank you for your comments, you are so right on the treading on eggshells thing - it is a constant watching and wincing at things he is doing and not feeling that I can say anything. I also wanted to thank you for your comments from 7 September, which I had already seen and off the back of that actually contacted Carol and have spoken to her. Very very helpful - so many thanks for putting that out there. Best wishes to you and everyone on here. |
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Clare 1:55 PM Wed 30th Sep, 2020 |
@alex I think im starting to understand a bit how you feel already. The guilt of getting frustrated with them, then realising they dont understand. The emotional rollercoaster. Always wondering if its something you've done or said when they withdraw, or if they think they can do better. But i also understand that they are so easy to fall in love with because they can be so endearing and interesting and because they seem like a child deep down, you get that maternal feeling and start to care for them. If your an empathic person like us you can't help but to get in this cycle because we are the complete opposite of them, and we seem to be the people who end up with them for longest because we're the only people who are understanding enough to put up with them for more than a few weeks. Part of us probably feels sorry for them, and too guilty to walk away, even though they will do that to us without a second thought. Its crazy. At the beginning before my a.s guy told me he was autistic, I mistook his behaviour for him being a player, so after 3 months I blocked him on everything. It felt good for a few days, then i felt like a horrible person and missed him, so after a month I unblocked him but didn't text him. Within 24 hours he had noticed and messaged me, and he didn't even seem to care that I'd done something so cruel, which made me think "oh what a lovely person he must be, and what a horrible person I've been" (I realise now he probably just didn't care) therefore when he asked me out I agreed and and we've been dating again nearly 7 weeks (but now he's gone withdrawn for nearly a week and I'm suffering) i text him to say I'll leave him alone for a bit, but im starting to think I can't do this. Thanks for your warnings Alex (and mary) and take care of yourselves first. Thats all we can do. |
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Dahlia 11:06 AM Wed 30th Sep, 2020 |
@ Mouse (Wed 23rd Sep) I am sure your kid is going to be OK. He learns about love and compassion from you, and you do so many good things for your kid in a special and difficult situation for yourself too. Doing activities with aspie parent can even be a good thing for your kid if there is something they both can enjoy. With my mother it was reading (she read for me before I could read myself), movies and knowledge games. Aspies have their strengths and can be very good teachers if they are motivated enough. The problem is they are world champions in criticism if they think you need “improvement” (not every aspie does this, I know also passive ones who never criticize). When my father was alive he often told me how smart, good and great I was, and I think that was the best medicine for my mothers venom. |
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Dahlia 10:15 AM Wed 30th Sep, 2020 |
@Idem (Mon 14th Sep), Thank you for your compassion. I feel for you too, growing up with an ASD father could not be easy. I don’t have sensory sensitivities, but I do know what is like to be exhausted and empty for energy, so I hope you take good care of yourself to recharge. |
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Flávia 9:34 AM Wed 30th Sep, 2020 |
I have written a few times on this forum since May this year. I'm in the mourning phase for a failed 2-year (distance) relationship with an undiagnosed ex. I have lived some relationships before and I believe that with an aspie it was the most devastating experience of my life. I never imagined that I could feel so weakened in life.. Even if the relationship was at a distance, I just can't digest all the crap it was, especially the amazing masks! Even the dirty work of the terminal they don't do! And emotional pain is thrown at twice the burden on us, NT partners. I detest the fact that he's going for a doctorate in Canada, with success and opportunism, while I'm SIMPLY trying to survive within my emotions lacerated by him. I paralyzed my life for him and he went on easily. I have a human anguish when I think they made me fall. Worst of all, I recognize myself as codependent, permissive of everything that was certainly determined to be "abuse". Sometimes I want to control my obsession with "Asperger"! I wake up at dawn and read dense scientific texts on my cell phone while I don't fall asleep again. I feel addicted. How do I get out of this madness?! @David, I love your comments and I'd love to be able to chat with you on social media. Your texts motivate me a lot to escape! How is this possible? |
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Dahlia 9:02 AM Wed 30th Sep, 2020 |
@Alex, You said it so well, exactly how it is, especially this: “...its an adult intelligence in a non existent emotional development, they live in a flow of mixed emotions that cant recognise and are absolutely overwhelmed by it”... They really don’t know who they are or how and what they feel in close relationships. They are happiest when they are left alone to do what they want to do, usually their special interest of the moment... But sometimes they want to have friends or family or boy/girlfriend and than one of us becomes their special interest for a short period of time. They try to appear “normal” and they mirror people they know or what they have seen on TV, and in the beginning they mirror us too... and it feels like we met our soul mate. It seems like there is immediate connection, long interesting conversations, laser focus and interest in us... But it never lasts, because it’s not real, they can not sustain it, it’s hard work for them... but our feelings and bond is real, and it’s soul crashing when we find out there was never fire it was just a smoke... you felt in love with an unknown person holding a mirror in front of you... You never really know who they are, because they mask and hide, but even if they don’t their true self is so unstable, they are not consistent and they change interests, principles and beliefs often, or they become different personas depending on who they are with, especially if they are not aware that they are autistic... They can be very smart, eloquent and have great passion for their work and special interests, they can also feel strongly about things, but they don’t feel the same way we do, they don’t connect with the people the same way we connect, they don’t feel the loss of the near ones the same way we do... My mother lost 2 husbands after long marriages (they both died), she grieved just in public and just for a weak and after that they were forgotten totally, never mentioned again. Like they never existed. And she had 2 small kids with my father... I really think AS and NTs are so different emotionally and psychologically, that it is not possible for an AS and a NT to be content and happy at the same time in any relationship. One of them has always to adapt and compromise a lot, and given aspies egocentricity and mind blindness it’s usually NTs suffering most... Even aspies who have some insight and really try not to hurt, they still can’t, just can’t give NTs the minimum of what we need to thrive... Its not aspies fault, it’s not our fault, it’s just what it is - IMO we are two different species, we can coexist and respect each other, but should not marry or make babies together... I hope both aspies and NTs learn as much as possible as soon as possible about differences in our neurology, and based on that knowledge choose if we want to involve or not to be involved in close relationships with each other. |
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Trevor 9:02 AM Wed 30th Sep, 2020 |
@Alex: I feel you mate cause it sounds like we ran on the same girl. In short, she was acting the way normal girls do when hitting on guys but sometimes she appeared very aloof out of the blue and changed moods, I just took a note of that as a red flag. She would always text me back almost instantly. One night, just before she was to fly to her hometown to get her two nieces for the summer, she came to me near midnight to print boarding pass and told me that for some time she will be busy with nieces and her stuff. Fair enough, I don't feel like born to wait but she seemed worth it. We were exchanging texts and seen each other randomly cause we live very close by. After a month I invited her to dinner, messenger was showing that she did read the message but was not answering for three weeks. After a week I simply ticked her off as lost case and put on ignore. After three weeks she suddenly sends me a message that she somehow didn't notice the message and she is sorry that she left me with no answer. Notice that she didn't provide any answer in this message. I did not respond to that and thought she will get the clue. She didn't. I had a coffee date with our common male friend from work and he told her day earlier so she came with him just to say hello to me. At this point I got pissed off. Later at work I asked her through messenger what's with her being constantly so busy she can't see me and if that's going to change and explained her that at the moment I think she's just stringing me. Oh God, her question was 'Who do you think we are?' I explained that we are acquaintances but I was considering her as potential partner and what she is doing is unacceptable. She went savage after that. I texted her one more time with some questions cause I was never so confused in my life but got only humiliated. Last thing I have done was sending her email with an apology and explaining that I'm 37, alone in a foreign country and I must be careful cause one slip-up can cost me dearly. We didn't talk for a year. This summer I wanted to build my portfolio and looked at photos on her studio page. She didn't have a website so I made a prototype, uploaded to server and contacted her through her studio page, also liked one of her drawings on instagram cause it was really good. I explained clearly that I need that for portfolio and I can do it on my own but would like her to do logotype, writing and suggest a colour palette. I told her that it's mutual benefit and she will get more clients. No answer. In the meantime (we basically wrote the massages at the same time) she contacted me on personal account about getting back something she gave me and told me she don't want it back, although I told her that when I'm done I'll give it back to her. We had a pleasant convo and I told her to poke me whenever she has a time to get it back. Two weeks and silence, I've made another and much better prototype of page and sent her. No response. After a week I wrote that I can do it alone but the logotype will be a big effort for me and I need her approval cause photos are her intellectual property. I explained that I have like 5 more bigger projects to do next and if she's not interested in it whatsoever I will have to do that with some stock photos as a fictional studio page. Quoting: 'Yes you should do it. I'm busy with something else. Don't worry about my website.' (took her three weeks to say it and don't know about you but to me it's some top notch arrogance blasting from it) This time I got ballistic and told her that I left her stuff in the shed outside my house and she can come an pick it anytime without me participating in it, cause I get the message that she doesn't want to see me. Quoting: 'I'll come and pick it but' My thought was like 'but what?', although I didn't say anything. Like she could do anything worse. :D We exchanged some messages where I told her that I don't understand anything but after last argument I'm pretty sure she's not doing it on purpose and I think she doesn't understand that the wording she used and uses towards me is not something you say to person you want to see the next day. I offered a talk in person to simply make it straight so we don't fight next time we meet somewhere. She finally told me that she has Asperger's Syndrome and she is slightly different. There was a lot more nuances but these were already mentioned by others. What you basically deal with is someone very charming, intelligent, talented, whom you think you can do something with but you can't cause interaction with that person makes absolutely no sense. I had it easy cause I listened to my gut and watched out for red flags so probably by cutting her off early I avoided long term confusing nonsense which would just hurt me and waste my time. |
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Over it 5:51 AM Wed 30th Sep, 2020 |
Just curious, is anyone else's spouse a total energy drain?? Like they just cannot be happy for anything? Or they refuse to look at the bright side of things or refuse to make their situation better? Being with my aspie is like dragging around a 240lbs weight. There's no excitement with this man. Everything is him drum, poor me attitude. |
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Alex 4:41 AM Wed 30th Sep, 2020 |
Thanks for this site, it’s really helpful to hear your stories, I don’t feel so alone. My last year has been all about an emotional rollercoaster, with an anxiety out of range, fear, confusion, loneliness, high peaks of happiness and hormone rush to the brain, always always followed by the deepest despair or confusion. Now I know what has happened. I found one year ago what I thought was may soulmate. This wonderful person with an amazing connection and totally crazy about me. She came for me, and I was on a dream. But there was already confusion since the beginning, she said she felt something very intense and unknown for me, that couldn’t really identify, and was not sure about getting into a relationship because his previous attempts failed and people got hurt. Here was my way out, she told me. But no, I ignored it. Big mistake. Since she was clearly after me, with total and constant full attention and always talking about our special connection, I thought that of course she was feeling love. She was a little naïve and I was just dying for her. It was a dream come true. So I went ahead. After all she was so intelligent, sensible, sweet and caring… I’m myself an extremely sensitive person, so I thought I could understand her somehow. To resume this full drama. Hots and colds constantly. High peaks and drowning valleys. Confusion, never being sure of what she wanted, what would be the mood of the day. One great day was always followed by three days out or in bad mood. Very few physical contact or sex, and quite strange. Very childish, like a teenager. Tons of insecurities. One day would declare that wanted to be with me, then left, then came back, then left. Quite randomly for me. Then said that was not sure about going further with me and that needed time to think. But kept sending romantic texts and voice messages night and day. We were always together, really like a couple but without sex. In fact everyone just assumed that we were couple. But with the hot and colds, me afraid of her changes, moods, disregards, changing plans in the last second… never knew if she was going to be sweet or not. I was always letting my needs apart not to overwhelm her. Everything out of his control overwhelmed her. Even the silliest things. Many times, she was so nice and charming and then would say something really painful. I couldn’t understand it. But we also had those long and amazing conversations that i absolutely loved about shared interests. And when she had serious issues I was completely by her side, and when I had a major issue she disappeared. She said that felt that was supporting me by giving me space. I told her that wanted to be with her, but never replied. And she was also frustrated about it, I think she never understood me and had the real feeling that was supporting me. Really sad. The feeling of loneliness and anxiety has been constant. I have also felt fear and being completely exposed, without any kind of protection. And yet she so lost and vulnerable that I could not just send her away. I gave her my best, helped her in every possible way, but many times she refused what seemed a logical and easy solution for something. Just learned to leave her alone, giving space and silence. I felt so lonely. I was always expecting her to run into my arms and kiss me again. But it never happened. When I asked her directly what those messages and attitudes meant, because I was confused, she said that nothing, that wanted nothing intimate with me. That was just being nice because she felt that had to be nice to me, not to hurt me. But it was always together and constantly texting sweet messages and making me feel very special, talking about our connection… and me taking care of her in a way that no one could ever imagine. She killed me and let me super confused. You don’t text, say and do those things to someone that you just left if don’t want anything else, and for that long. Now she has met someone new and I am out. I know its the best that could happen to me, but I am absolutely broken-hearted. One day, some weeks ago, the thought came to me, she is ASP! And started to read about it. Before I only knew the clichés about it. Now I’m trying to get out of this addiction to her that still have. Crave to death for her sweet messages, long talks and time together. I also have professional contact with her and its quite a nightmare because she is not aware at all of my pain being close to her, so doesn’t take care. So people around, if you are wondering if to start a relationship with an ASP, please, don’t do that. Don’t. You cant see the whole picture in the beginning. There is no possibility of a happy ending. Just loneliness for you, frustration for everyone and a broken heart. They can be wonderful people, but its an adult intelligence in a non existent emotional development, they live in a flow of mixed emotions that cant recognise and are absolutely overwhelmed by it. They are overwhelmed by just any sensorial input. They don’t know what they feel, don’t know what they want and don’t know who they are. You, you are not even in the picture, its just not possible, there is no picture, there is no frame. Just colours. I imagine that it is like looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing only the colours without the shape. But they will try to fit in over and over, and have great social mask, develop amazing skills just to be like anyone else. Because they desperately want to fit in a world that just don’t understand. And are ashamed to admit it and live in a world of panic, frustration, extreme anxiety, anger, meltdowns... To me its been a trip to loneliness, sadness, frustration and a broken heart that I have to deal with now. Because I still love her, and miss her a lot, even if I know that is just not possible at all, and that I have been mistreated, unintentionally but mistreated. And all I want is this feelings for her just to disappear. Just hope that I will be able to get over it, now it seems a mountain to me, but I think there is hope because the extreme anxiety is gone and I am so happy about it. In a way I feel free, seeing other people and my friends again. I’m just very sad with a twist in my guts, a hole in my stomach and pain in my heart. So people, here is a living example of what not to do. Please, don’t go any further with an ASP if you know or suspect, the chance is zero. They are not cute helpless people to be saved with some love and attention. It’s a major issue. No one wins. Ah, and no one will understand what you are really going through when you explain it. So double alone. I have seen the sweetest woman in the world say very cruel things to me in my most vulnerable moment, when I just needed to be hugged, being shouted when I was just trying to be helpful, went from heaven to hell to heaven constantly, died of love, pain and frustration witnessing her pain, frustration, desperate attempts to be there for me, tears, meltdowns. People should know about ASP, i feel so guilty for some distress i caused her when she was just trying to be nice and i kept complaining about her absence. But i didn know how it worked and now i regret so much and its killing me. This impossibility of meeting with the one you love is a curse. So if you decide to go ahead, look for professional advide, its not a joke. Damage is real. All that remains is silence, silence, silence. Sorry for the long message, I needed to explain it somehow. |
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Nana T. 3:33 AM Wed 30th Sep, 2020 |
Hey, everyone. Just wanted to share this. My facebook friend Shanna(also fellow Jehovah's Witness), who lives in Wisconsin, started dating long distance in early 2020, I think, a young Aspergers' gentleman that lives in Florida. They were planning to meet in the summer and possibly plan to get married. They did stuff together over zoom, including letter writing that Jehovah's Witnesses do. For whatever reason it didn't work out, and they broke up back in May. They are still friends over FB. Anyways, this past Saturday, Shanna made a post that was unrelated to the past relationship. She asked 'Is being upront and honest a turn off?', since she has mostly been having trouble finding a mate. And she is an upfront and honest person. I inboxed her later, and we had the below convo. Me: Shan. Just thought about something funny. if you had married Bruce Eric, you might have gotten some exreme 'up front and honest' talks. People with Aspergers are known for bluntness. Lol, ...... Shanna: Yes he was blunt at times Me: Oh really? Shanna: But he has too much confidence in himself. Me: Very interesting. Shanna: He wasn't mean to me just overconfident. Like he makes... and calls himself 'hot man' and 'Bruce is the man'. He's okay-looking, he not that handsome. Me: 'hot man' (laugh emojis). Yeah, he looks alright. Shanna: Yes just alright not hot. Me: Exactly. Shanna: And he thinks he sings good, he was singing during the service meeting on zoom. The elder muted him, and said that he 'sounded like a cat dying'. So, he cannot sing. More convo, I leave out. Shanna: Bruce didn't take it seriously. Bruce thinks he's an artist, singer, and writer. Just wanted to ask, have any of you seen similar behavior in your relationships? |
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Lincea 3:33 AM Wed 30th Sep, 2020 |
I'm in an emotionally tough state right now. When it comes to people in my circle... there is a general understanding of the abusiveness that comes from a person who has Aspergers... but people in general (not on this site) don't really completely understand it. I went to court yesterday for Temporary Custody and Support... I have a world of people that know my character and would willingly stand up for me...I'm calm and I extend Grace ALL OF THE TIME. Even when I really shouldn't. It's like its in my DNA. This is prime ground for an Asperger abuser.... There is no "fighting fair"... your Grace is always seen as a desperate attempt at winning them back... I was actually called the emotional and verbal abuser by his Attorney. I'm so worn out. The False Accusations and Character Defamation is ramping up. I am afraid to be in the same space with him because of his bullying tactics...fear doesn't have to be physical. I literally feel so afraid to be around him. His unpredictability and ability to skew truth into his favor is masterful...and he totally has a false sense of reality... he has been burning his own bridges and I know that truth always comes out... but one issue is, he didn't actually get a formal diagnosis... and now I don't think he will because he has too much at stake through these divorce proceedings. He is calling tons of people to get character references and actually shown his true character by being brash, angry, rude, and just plain awful to some of those who won't stand up for him. The court is ordering the kids to spend every other weekend with him... and they do not want to go. Over the years, we have had a rule that has said he can't have more than one child at a time because he cannot handle it. Now the 3 have to go stay with him... In the meantime, he's trying to get spousal support from me because I make more money than him... I'm working my tail off making ends meet when he dropped me because he felt I was financially sinking us. I just want to stop being hurt by him... and for him to leave me alone.. I almost want to concede and give him whatever he wants and accept the consequences... just in the hope that we can have paperwork drawn up that he can never bother me again and the kids don't have to be forced to see him... they are thirteen... right now they can go see him whenever they want... and they aren't forced to spend the night with him. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I just want to live my life without having an attack at every turn... and ironically turn around and have him be like everything is ok. Literally an hour after the Court Hearing with all of the accusations, he called me like nothing had happened. It is like I'm living in a bad dream... or maybe a nightmare. There are so many mental issues... It's like living in a warped world. But the one thing I have going for me... is the bad dream is going to end (I hope) because I'm breaking free from him. It's just holding on and enduring the craziness until I can move on and not look back. I'm just praying for an end to it all sooner rather than later... |
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Sarah 8:07 PM Tue 29th Sep, 2020 |
@katherine from Aug 12, 2020. Can you explain how you are making your relationship work? I’ve been with this man for 9 years now. I need to know if it’s worth it to get married. Like your husband, he has a lot of odd behavior...but I think he’s overall a good guy. My issue tho is that we run into occasional situations where he does things that are hurtful but he doesn’t get why. Or he will not clean up after himself, and gets so hurt and sad like I’m attacking him when I ask him to help. Overall he’s not “that bad” , is very affectionate and I can see that he has a good heart. I just wonder if with marriage and kids, his lack of cleanliness and inability to understand situations will end up leading to divorce. |
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Clare 7:12 PM Tue 29th Sep, 2020 |
@alina Hi there, I live in Telford u.k. im thinking this site is u.s? The more im reading, the more im thinking I need to run. He seemed obsessed with me for weeks, now all the attention has suddenly disappeared in the last 5 days. This is why I broke up with him the first time and nothing has changed obviously. I'm realising its devastating for my self esteem and my stomach is constantly burning and I'm starting to feel tired all the time and tearful. If I can't handle this already, I've kinda got my answer there, as to whether this is worth carrying on with. Thanks for your advice! |
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Alina 5:17 PM Tue 29th Sep, 2020 |
@clare your AS person sounds exactly like mine...to the point that I wish I knew you so I could ask if they are the same person. He’s 34 I’m 39. He’s slept with a lot of women but no real previous relationship. The hot cold behaviour, the somewhat obvious AS quirks. All I can say is run. |
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Aussie 8:13 AM Tue 29th Sep, 2020 |
ELODIE...a few thoughts....it is good he told you he was feeling criticised. But if he is AS this wont go away just by you tiptoeing around and weighing every word before you speak. That is walking on eggshells and I did that for 35 years. His thinking that noncritical comments were criticism could be that mind blindness thing...or context blindness as recent research is claiming.And what if you actually feel you DO have to *criticise* ie point out something that you wish could be done differently. Part of the walking on eggshells that is so draining is never knowing how to say something like that. When we married he told me about a course he had done and it said that one should approach difficulties ..."when you do such and such, I feel such and such, because..." Well in desperation as my usual nervous attempts to discuss things often failed to prevent sullenness or an outburst...I TRIED his method...probably timidly...and it failed. And I was starting to notice that nonverbal things were triggering him eg if he was about to do some domestic task and I might notice he was for example going to use the wrong item I might reach out to take it from him and say quickly why. He would either hang on childishly or act like he'd been stung in letting go. It was weird. The ONLY thing that might help Imo is an actual diagnosis and HIM to get couselling about his mind or context blindness. But you do NOT need him to be seeing someone who is going to make it all your fault and be urging you to superhuman efforts at empathy and understanding. I'm not saying be callous...just that if anyone tried to make YOU be the one to do all the changing that will be the walking on eggshells for the rest of your life. Not sustainable in an intimate relationship. May God help you. Maybe read my advice of Monday 7th September too. |
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Clare 5:52 AM Tue 29th Sep, 2020 |
@mary Thanks for the advice. I will take it very seriously and will be having a very good think over the next few days. Take care everyone |
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Elodie 9:05 PM Mon 28th Sep, 2020 |
@Equanimity and @Idem - thank you for your replies. With the masking, I have read about it and so I should know better - and should also believe - that it is definitely masking...but I have this niggle - my partner and I had a big relationship chat a few weeks ago, during which I said I was at the end of the line, emotionally exhausted and couldn't see a way forward. In response he said he felt criticised and this is why he was behaving the way he was (passive aggressive, not hugging, lack of interest in me etc). This was the biggest chat we have had, and the only one where I have said I am close to ending things. We have had many, many other chats about the lack of hugging/compliments/ sharing of information/forgetting things I have shared/the list goes on. It felt that just perhaps, he had indeed felt criticised and that was why he was behaving how he did. Since we had this chat, his behaviour has, as I said. changed for the better. Which makes me wonder - have I got the aspie thing wrong all along and perhaps it is just a case of poor communication between us and him acting in a defensive way. But then I remember the other signs that are all there - very poor executive function, blank stares, lack of social grace, lack of intimacy etc - and I know I cannot continue my life this way. All I am trying to say I guess is that I am teetering between being almost convinced it is ASD and then moments later wondering if I have got it wrong. Equanimity - journalling is a great tool. I have found it so helpful to be able to go back to specific points in time and see that it is the same old issues cropping up. I only wish I had started sooner. Good luck to everyone and let's keep talking on here. |
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Mary 8:55 PM Mon 28th Sep, 2020 |
@Clare (Sept 28). I have been where you are; I dated a guy with undiagnosed ASD on-and-off for two years. (I say "undiagnosed" because he would hint at having the condition, then once admitted it, but then recanted and later took great offence if I even brought up the possibility). Like you, I am very sensitive and I can tell you with 100% certainty that this is not a healthy relationship for someone like us. Their brains are faulty, and they go in to dark, blank states. When you are dating (not living together), you don't see them day-to-day, and so long silences seem hurtful and very personal. But frankly they just zone out, get depressed and go dark, sleep for days, or get immersed in their special interests. They also have periods of true shutdown (e.g. sleep for 16 hours, especially after an emotionally-charged event, which they cannot process) and weeks or months of burnout (caused by years of trying to fit into normal society). Many of them also struggle with chronic depression and anxiety, which can be crippling even for people without a brain disorder like autism. And for all these reasons, they routinely forget all about you, the outside world, and everything else. And when I say "forget" I really mean we don't even show up on their radar. So all of this is a huge problem when trying to make it work with an ASD person, because as a normal, warm, loving, caring, empathic person, our default is to think of the other person often, reach out and expect reciprocate responses, anticipate their needs, and have a level of attunement. Aspies cannot do ANY of these things (or at least not sustain it, because they can mask at the beginning, but soon have to drop it because it's exhausting for them). Like you, Clare, I was very offended when after 1.5 years of dating, I'd send him text and 3 or 4 days went by without even an acknowledgment. You just don't treat people that you like/love that way -- even strangers can expect common courtesy. But since they are incapable of truly connecting on an emotional level, and since they struggle with these various challenges, it makes it impossible to have a fulfilling relationship. Not merely "difficult" -- downright impossible. Their brains are faulty. And Clare: None of this is clear during the dating phase, but as the married people on the forum will tell you, it shows up soon after moving in or right after the wedding day. As with your guy, my ASD guy was charming, super-intelligent, witty, and we had awesome chemistry. But he was also periodically aloof, distant, uncommunicative, emotionally vacant, insensitive, childish, immature, frustrating, inadvertently hurtful, selfish, callous, and oblivious. My heart breaks that he suffers from this condition, but it's a brain wiring problem that cannot be fixed, and I am not his brain surgeon in any event. So my heartfelt advice is to get out now, before that "love him a bit" feeling you have takes over and you find yourself stuck and on the road to heartbreak. Seriously -- just go. |
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Equanimity 6:53 PM Mon 28th Sep, 2020 |
Hi Elodie @elodie The fears and the doubts are with me too as I try to separate after 35 years. They hurt a lot. Just wanted to say that I understand. I am trying to deal with them so they do not prevent me from doing what I need to do to get away from the damage and the loneliness. I have been told to keep a daily journal. That might help with the doubts. I relate to your situation. |
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Lonelyandsad 6:00 PM Mon 28th Sep, 2020 |
I've read every single entry here and I'm relieved to know I'm not alone. Reading these entries gave me the strength to break up with my long term partner, I caved in and now I'm back to feeling exasperated... My partner says they have minor tendencies and never says they do have Aspergers/HFA. It took 8 years for him to even consider he may have tendencies. Yes I'm not a psychologist or a trained professional, but I've known this man for 8+ years; lived with him for 4 of those years. I too get the blank aspie stare and bonus awkward mechanical sex. I empathise it must be a strange world to be someone with aspergers and to be so outnumbered by us. I feel I've missed out on so many experiences. He doesn't drive and I have to plan any sort of trip. He has a habit of railroading and saying I'm the one who doesn't want to go on holiday. He has a million reasons to not do something and is the opposite of spontaneous. He's written letters to me when I broke up with him (twice) and confesses his wrongs but he will never say them verbally to me. Just a couple of notes from these letters he's said he feels like living in a " a glass prison viewing life in an objective manner" " throughout our 8 years I have often appeared cold, for this I apologise I don't always know how to act" "I try to suppress my emotions as I don't always know how to act" "When I'm stressed I'm unable to express myself correctly putting a vicious cycle in motion where because my words are misinterpreted due to my own ambiguity in communication" His father evidently has it although I don't see his family often. Does anyone relate to being around more than 1 person with aspergers/HFA. I feel odd and muted to be surrounded by people who know every single thing there is to know about any topic in the world. It's not fun just so very formal and I feel so uncomfortable. The reason why I've decided to make an entry myself. The other night I woke up with horrendous knee pain and had to hobble to the bathroom and he never helped. He looked annoyed that I woke him up. I made it to the bathroom and felt very faint/sick and he had the nerve to say I'm being dramatic.. He doesn't know how to respond when I'm physically in pain so how can he understand my emotional pain?? He's done thus before when I had my first UTI and felt like I was dying and was more concerned about the dinner I was cooking.. Sorry for the rambles but this is my life forever most likely. |
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Idem 3:08 PM Mon 28th Sep, 2020 |
Elodie@. "My partner has made a massive effort over the last few weeks to be more cheery and helpful and happy but it feels masked and fake and I can't trust it." I have noticed it with Aspie- under pressure from partners/counselling they try to change but it is forced and it takes lots of their energy so it will never last for long. You can remind him every time his mask drops .....but after while it is getting tiring and lots NT just give up. Their brains are wired differently and it can't be changed.They socialise, interact, think differently. |
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putting the pieces together 1:52 PM Mon 28th Sep, 2020 |
Ican't explain how thankful I am for this website and for all your testimonials... I had a difficult childhood, emotionally... All my emotional needs were supposedly fulfilled, but I've finally realised that those needs were defined by my mother and limited to the bare minimum. She repeated endlessly, to me and the rest of the world, how I didn't want (!!!) kisses and hugs... The repetition ingrained it in my mind but the heart knew differently, and this cognitive dissonance slowly tore me apart. By the time of adolescence the lack of love, interest and understanding led me to such depths of depression that the pain was physical. I spent every day on my windowsill looking for the courage to end it. A yearof thisconstant pain culminated in a confession to my mother (who hadn't noticedanything!)... I told her I wanted to kill myself, that I couldn't take another day... And she continued with her life, never to ask me how I was, never telling me she loved me, never a touch. I know she's an emotionless being, but... The indifference, the rejection was unbearable. Only God knows how I am still here, thriving... Figured out she's as by clashing with my brother's lack of empathy and use of me and my hospitality as a commodity, and researching his obsessions and mannerism i finally unlocked the truth... I am slowly unpackaging my life, understanding what in the past was mine and what was imposed on me in order to fit into my mother's limited parenting abilities... And trying to understand her, so I can maybe love her. I know God has blessed me and here I am ranting about my first world problems... But the emotional pain is real and sometimes oppressive. |
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clare 4:54 AM Mon 28th Sep, 2020 |
hello everyone, Im an N.T whos been dating someone with high functioning autism for around 6 months now. I broke up with him after 3 months because at the time I didnt know he was autistic and I couldn't understand his hot and cold behaviour and thought he was messing me around. I gave him anotherunchance and started seeing him again around 6 weeks ago. I asked him igmf he was autistic and he finally admitted it and opened up about it and things were so much better. I told myself not to expect too much of him. Trouble is, after having our best couple of weeks ever, he's gone silent on me again like before. I've not heard from him for a few days and he's ignored a couple of messages. This has happened before and when we got back together and I brought up how this makes me feel, it was like he was genuinely sorry, but actually didn't understand how this would have made me feel. He's 34, im 39, and he says he's not had a proper relationship (I can see why) but he's slept around alot, which concerns me obviously (I've been tested and am clear) can anyone whos got more experience of being in a relationship with an autistic/aspergers man give me any advice on how I should communicate with him how I feel, or if I should discontinue to pursue the relationship. I like him alot, probably even love him a bit, but im a very sensitive empathic person who is prone to depression and anxiety and im worried this disregard from him over time might be too much for me. He is a very nice person though by the way. Very confident, bit of a show off, but very nice and we have alot in common. |
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Elodie 2:21 AM Mon 28th Sep, 2020 |
Rache I could so relate to your words and your story. I am in a 6 year relationship with an undiagnosed aspie. He has moments of being so 'normal' that I have often doubted myself and my diagnosis of him as a high functioning autistic. In my more desperate and weaker moments, I need to remind myself of the standout moments that are so clearly aspergers. I have been journalling for over a year and looking back at the entries keeps me a bit sane and helps me remember that these things really happened. I have never felt so alone in a relationship. We have two kids under 4. I look to him sometimes to share in a moment of madness of having young kids and he just has the blank aspie stare, there is nothing going on for him. I always felt having kids would be a shared experience with someone I loved but it has been such a solo journey. All of the planning, caring, thinking about what needs to be done sits with me - and to some extent, I am ok with this. It is the lack of camaraderie, the lack of being 'in it together' that is killing me day by day. I am coming to a decision to leave. The aspie 'thing' clicked into place for me a couple of months ago. I can only describe it as a moment of euphoria closely followed by despair and fear. Fear of not actually being able to get out, fear of staying for the sake of the family unit. My mind has been full of it since then and I am still not 100% sure I am doing the right thing. I have so many moments of doubting myself. We have been doing couples counselling for a few weeks and while that is helping with delving into past issues it doesn't give me any assurance that things will change in the future. My partner has made a massive effort over the last few weeks to be more cheery and helpful and happy but it feels masked and fake and I can't trust it. I am so unsure that I am doing the right thing by leaving as I am so worried I've got the whole aspie thing wrong but there are just too many things that ring true. If I am honest, my emotional needs have never been met by my partner and I was just always hopeful that over time it would improve. I send love to everyone out there suffering because it can be a very lonely journey as it seems to be so hard to convey to those who don't have any experience of it. This forum has been a bit of a lifesaver for me. |
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Rache 5:18 PM Sun 27th Sep, 2020 |
@overit you're not alone my love. I think we have a very similar experience and thanks for taking the time to write yours out. My partner has all these traits but had so much skill and social conversation ability, hes super clever but just doesnt know how to channel any of it into a positive career or action round the house. I too do all the 'man jobs' I hate it and love it in equal measure haha. I have just hired a strimmer to do our garden after asking him just too many times. Hes not confident in my abilities to use it but when I said 'if you had done it months ago I wouldn't have to' and he came up with a list of excuses and ask me provide the dates so he could give me a good reason why he couldnt do it that time. He then fell out with me. How can this be reasonable or why should I be expectedto deal with this behaviour day in day out? I cannot watch what I'm saying anymore I'm sick of tip toeing too and fearful of his unpredictable moods. Does anyone know if theres a group on facebook to chat about our experiences? I posted just there, I'm getting out I've had enough too x |
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Rache 5:03 PM Sun 27th Sep, 2020 |
Hi everyone I just want you all to know how much you have helped me. Finding this page validated me after 13 years. For the last few months I kept pushing to save our marriage and I read the research testimonials from the 2016 survey. Kept seeing 20 years, 30 years and still no change. But he is a lovely person, doesnt mean to do these things but he checked almost every box in the way he treats me.I have the power to choose when this ends. I left the therapy ball in his court to save our marriage and he hasn't initiated anything. I'm going to leave and I feel sick writing this out, it's like I'm stepping off a cliff but I know that the unknown will be better than what I've been putting up with the last 13 years. Love to you all and anyone from the uk who can advise on how to not freak out and navigate marriage law feel free to message. Starting at the citizen advice page xx |
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Aspies Suck 1:06 PM Sat 26th Sep, 2020 |
@Idem and @Lydia: Yes, it isn't enough that we mistakenly get involved with Aspies. They also cause trauma in the workplace through their offensive and abusive behaviour. Aspies never care about the impact they have on others. They are quick to point to a single famous Aspie who is gifted and, through their so-called "logic", arrogantly conclude that all Aspies are gifted. Often the famous person is long dead, such as Einstein or Mozart, and it is impossible to confirm. Conveniently, it doesn't occur to them that even if an Aspie is gifted and successful, it may be in spite of their disability, not because of it. |
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Over it 10:26 AM Sat 26th Sep, 2020 |
Hi 15 Year Itch- It's hard isn't it?? I've been with my Aspie for 15 years and I totally understand your frustration! My husband and I tried counselling but I swear marriage counselors don't understand the NTs point of view! Our therapist kept talking to ME about Empathy. As if that isn't the only thing that has kept me in this awful marriage! I'm completely empathied out! I think therapists are so focused and educated in the world of compromise, empathy, and communication that they have very limited ability to truly have an effect on a marriage where one partner neurologically cannot do those things nor will ever fully be able to. So, they place the responsibility on the shoulders of the nerotypical spouse. The last thing we need is even MORE responsibility. I stopped seeing our marriage therapist with my spouse and I made it that we see him individually. I prefer it that way. My spouse needs one on one help like most people with disabilities do. I need one on one help because I deserve my own voice without judgement and without my aspie playing the "poor misunderstood spouse" in the room. |
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Vicky 9:39 AM Sat 26th Sep, 2020 |
15 year itch - It has been 4 months since I ended my 15 year marriage (21 years total) and he thought he might have some type of autism but wouldn’t agree to testing. I can tell you despite my specific case that all my research shows you will have to do the heavy lifting and have very low expectations on getting anything in return. The sex issue will always be there so despite you working on the relationship that won’t change. My problem was the lack of naturalness that comes with interacting and the constant pulling teeth to get a decision or having a back and forth normal conversation. I knew it was over for me when just the thought of another discussion about his absence, lack of communication, no initiative on sex or quality time made my skin crawl or my insides shake with agitation and disgust. Only you can decide if this is something you want to keep doing and if it is due to the fear of the unknown, finances or children then accepting is an option. Utilize the therapy for yourself in order to cope if you choose to stay. I am so happy and feel genuine joy everyday now, I feel peace. |
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15 year itch 4:32 AM Sat 26th Sep, 2020 |
Hey everyone:) Just looking for some insoght/support/shared experience. My husband and I have been together for 15 yrs. I always suspected he was on the spectrum, and asked him repeatedly to get assessed. He flat out refused and ignored my requests until our marriage counselor suggested it, because after our 3rd round, we weren't making any progress, and I was ready to leave. He took the test. Scored highly, and now we're waiting for a formal diagnosis. I found a therapist who specializes in NT-ASD relationships and we start next week, but I just don't know if things will improve...and I have a feeling things really wont change all that much for me. I'll still be the caretaker/manager that I've always been with him...and the sex is brutal!! He's got ED, porn addiction, and we once went 3 years without because I was tired of initiating all the time, and I wanted to see how long he could wait..he won. And when he does initiate there is zero consideration for my feelings (absolutely no foreplay for me), and then he doesn't even finish!! Which I find even more insulting. Apart from this, he just flat out shuts down at the slightest whiff of conflict. So nothing ever really gets resolved unless I decide the outcome. I feel like I will be in this cyclical hell of constantly prompting him, and micro management and I just don't know if I'm ok with that. Went off on a bit if a rant there...but has anyone had success with AS/NT couples therapy, and how much did you, the NT have to adjust your expectations? Do you feel like you are the one making all the accommodations? Are you happier now? I just don't know if it's worth all the trouble I'm investing. Love sometimes just isn't enough you know? |
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Sad and lonely 8:27 AM Fri 25th Sep, 2020 |
I have been married to who I think could be an Aspie and I just had this realization the past two weeks. We got married 8mo after we met and are almost into our third year of marriage and I have been so sad, lonely, and miserable constantly arguing semantics and being told “I needed to go take an English class because I didn’t understand the English language”. All of your stories are blowing my mind. Thank you for sharing. I have lost a sense of who I am and definitely have become extremely insecure over the last 4 years. I guess therapy/counseling is the first step for me? My husband has no idea I think this, and would absolutely argue to the death and be offended if I ever brought this up. I obviously need some healing and understanding before I try to talk to him about anything at all. |
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Heinrich 12:18 PM Thu 24th Sep, 2020 |
Thank you, Whitney. I have some friends who call themselves “autistic”. What they mean is that they are a little bit quirky and shy. But they are not autistic. They are highly sensible and highly empathic. Autistic people are not. Since I met an autistic person, I don’t like that people use it about themselves or anyone who is kind but a little bit shy and a little bit unique. Because that was what I thought autism was when I met the guy who masked me into a heartbreak. Autism is not quirkiness. It is just devastating to fall for an autistic. Had I known what autism is, I would have ended the ride of horror at the very beginning. |
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Whitney 9:54 AM Thu 24th Sep, 2020 |
There's a trend of socially awkward NT people self diagnosing themselves as having ASD when they don't have it. Just because you're reserved, prefer more alone time than most people, or might not have the best social skills doesn't mean you're aspie. Even a high functioning aspie is far more disabled than the most socially awkward NT person. In fact, some NT people that I've met that may not have the best social skills and are awkward, shy, etc. make it up for it by being caring people, charming, sweet, interesting, good listeners even if they don't like to talk that much, etc. I can't say the same thing about any of the Aspies I've met, sorry to say. There's a huge difference between being socially awkward and socially disabled. I can hang out with a socially awkward person and look past their faults and have a good time and even enjoy their company, it's sometimes refreshing to be honest because they're unique. If I have to hang out with even a high functioning Aspie I will be extremely stressed out because I can't take the way they behave. They're also unique... just not in a pleasant way. |
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Bridgette 8:08 AM Thu 24th Sep, 2020 |
Hi, Mouse. I believe my dad is an undiagnosed Aspie. I always described him as an odd duck. This is just one example but when we were kids, my sisters and I, my dad had this thing where we HAD to poor the ketchup, in glass bottles in the 70's, at an angle. I realize this sounds like he was just trying to teach us but he was so strict about it. He would get upset about it. It was like a crazy focus of his. So the simple act of pouring ketchup became a stressful event. That's all I'll post right now. I will say this, I don't think a diagnosis much matters because when someone is causing stress on another a diagnosis doesn't help. If there was a name to why my father behaved as he did and does, it wouldn't have made it easier. |
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Mouse 8:47 PM Wed 23rd Sep, 2020 |
I'm NT, and have a NT child, with an AS father, and divorced him years ago. To those of u who wrote about having an AS parent, i'm very grateful. I have only resently found out, that he might be on the spectrum, but has always senced, that keeping the contact between them sporadic, was better for him (my kid). Intuitively i senced, that his father could keep the ‘good’ mask on for max 2 days, so have tried, to keep them from being together for longer than that time. I also intuitively senced, that a good way for them to be together, was if they had some specific activity to do together. Just being together does'nt really work. Whenever they have spend time together, and there has also been other NT people around, he (my kid) will return home in a much better state, than if they were just the two of them together. I hope i have managed to take care of him good enough for him, to not suffer to much emotionally as an adult. Having had just one single autistic parent, really must be very painfull. When i was with his father, i remember feeling completely blank at times. In the end, pretty much all the time. Like all my emotions were painfully frozen. Very painfull, and unexplainable to myself, untill i learned about AS, and the effect people with AS, have on their significant NT others. I try to support him (my kid) the best i can, and love him unconditionally, to make up for the guilt trips, and other hurtfull stuff his father will put on him. It’s been very hard at times, cause I was seriously depressed, and without much emotional support. But he's a great kid, and i respect him a lot. Having a parent like that, is really not easy. If anything positive has to come of it, i'd say we both developed a very black sense of humour, and learned not to spend to much energy on stuff that doesn't seem to make a lot of sense right away, and is painful to think about. I try to keep his life as normal as possible, and hope some day, to be able to explain all the weird stuff to him as an adult. As he's growing up, it gets easier to talk about. When he was younger it was really horrible. He would act out in a disturbing way, when returning home after spending time with his father, and i had no way to make sense of his behavior. Not sure, if knowing about what was going on then, would have been easier, as it would have had no consequences. Having AS, doesn't limit anybodys rights as a parent, or bring any special attention to their parenting skills. To my knowledge at least. So sticking it out, was maybe the best option. Hopefully that can change. So thanx again for this site!! And I think there is always hope, as long as you don't give up! I was seriously depressed, and thought life would never be worth living again. It took a couple of years to get out of the hellish feeling, but it’s possible, and will hopefully not take years if u know what happened to you. It is worth the struggle! Hang in there<3! And seek all the help u can…vitamins, minerals, acupuncture, yoga, Netflix, good people, distractions, whatever works for u, to get ur system calmed down and back to balance… |
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Idem 3:42 PM Wed 23rd Sep, 2020 |
>>>>>This woman never worked before her divorce, and seemed sweet, so I helped her get an office job where I worked at the time;>>>> Lydia- it is a lesson for life don't help/recommend someone to get a job in your Company if you don't know this person very well. It appears that she put off quite a few people and they left. It happened to me too. I was in a team of 4 ( 2 Aspies) and I left after 10 months. I found it quite unbearable. This complete self-centred attitude, rudeness, no ability to see your point of view, ,inflexibility, lack of social skills, awful communication skills, putting me permanently down...... one person was permanently anxious it is quite draining for other people.There is no 1 positive thing I could say about them. I find it quite annoying these different actions in press, internet - telling us that we should help people with autism, integrate them- I think April was autism month. Why integrate? to make life of other people to be permanent misery. You never know what triggers them ( life, noise......) and when.I don't think they are even interested in integrations. I am not nasty or vicious or difficult person and I get on well with people in general but after this experience at my work - I lost all my sympathy and understanding for Aspies- I can't stand them and I will avoid them as much as I can. |
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Lydia 2:14 AM Wed 23rd Sep, 2020 |
Thank you so very much for this site! I wrote over 1-year ago about a man I had been in a relationship with, that was diagnosed with Aspergers. Anyway, he is only part of my past and I don’t want to talk about him much. I just want to mention the fact again that he always talked about how good looking he was and how high of an IQ he had. This leads me to another person, whom I highly suspect has Aspergers as well. Let’s call her Karen. When I met Karen, she had just recently divorced a guy who was emotionally unavailable, and had been diagnosed with AS through one of the specialists that sees her sons. She has 2 sons with Autism. This woman never worked before her divorce, and seemed sweet, so I helped her get an office job where I worked at the time; I soon regretted it! As time went on I found Karen had been diagnosed with OCD, and had rapid meltdowns if she wasn’t in control of organizing files, and every little nitty gritty details wasn’t done to her exact specifications with others work. Karen was extremely invasive on other peoples work, and didn’t seem to get why it was rude to go through their files and such after hours when they weren’t around. There was several instances when someone in another office had something happen to them, like they started cancer treatment and she noticed that they weren’t being as responsive to the emails she sent to them, then she’d bug them for days on end with dozens of calls and emails asking why they weren’t responding as quickly until suddenly the person gave in and would say something along the line of “I don’t want many people to know, but I have cancer and have just began treatment, so that’s why I’m not as attentive right now; only my boss knows. Please keep it to yourself”. What did Karen do, right after that phone conversation, she wrote and email to everyone in the office, letting them know that this individual had cancer and may not respond to emails as quickly for a while, because of intense treatment they are now getting. Since I worked in an HR role, I often knew inside things at the organization and would come to speak with Karen after such incidence like this and would tell her “so-and-so wanted to keep her cancer diagnosis under the radar of everyone at work. Why did you send that email Karen?” Then Karen would respond, “I know she did say that she didn’t want most people to know, but if it were me, I would not want people to worry just because I wasn’t as responsive, and let them know why”. Everything with Karen was from her perspective, she didn’t seem to have the capacity to see beyond it. On top of all of this, the office Karen worked in was a very relaxed environment, but Karen raised the stress level insanely with her anxiety; she was losing a lot of her hair, because the doctor even told her it was anxiety. Any little bit of responsibility that was set on her sent her sky-high, into having an anxiety attack; when you talked with Karen though, she would tell you “I am not an anxious person”. Karen would also talk, just like the aspie I dated, about how good looking she was and how she had the sexiest legs. Also, like the guy I dated, she would get on the phone with clients at work and boast about her super high IQ, of which I heard her actually doing on a phone call one time; she said to the client “I have a super high IQ of 89, so that puts me about 89% of people on intelligence, and the website is complex for me, so imagine how it is to the majority of the world”. In addition to this behavior Karen drove other workers in the office nuts, because she would not stop talking to herself constantly, and would often repeat random sentences and words that others in the office said, when they were not talking with her. I came to help another employee one day with a question regarding their benefits, and Karen was mumbling to herself in the background not too far from this employee. The employee said, as we were talking, “that’s very peculiar”, and then Karen all of the sudden raised the volume of her voice and repeated the word “peculiar” 5 times rapidly, while staring off into space at her screen and typing, before going back to low-pitched mumbling; I was told by others that she did this constantly. The new male employee whom I was helping seemed weirded out at that point, and didn’t stay in that role long. Other employees were nice and tried to work with Karen, but it never lasted long and was hurting retention, because they just couldn’t stand her for long. My boss saw this, and even offered bonuses to people leaving, because he knew no-one would work with her, but he had a soft heart and couldn’t help but appreciate her work-ethic in what many would consider a more entry-level office role. Karen would show up to work in a suit every day, even though it was very casual organization, where no outside clients usually saw you. I think Karen the business though, and I myself have since moved on, but am pretty sure Karen is still there. I truly regretted ever helping her to get that position, but she never would’ve lasted anywhere else, as she is truly a very inefficient worker too, even though she had a strong work ethic. She just needed to have her fingers in everything, she always thought she was right, even though a good portion of the time she had no-idea what she was talking about. Karen was very open about being a person who looks for ways to work harder, and not smarter. Karen was horrible with math, and would get on the phone with clients and often receipt this whole thing that she knew nothing about how a business is rung, and has the worst business sense, but that the company had hired her on empathy along, so they can rest assured that she only cares about you (the client), and not the business. Other co-workers and myself would try to please stop telling clients about her horrible business sense, but she continued. Karen did have empathy when I first met her, but then I found her to be very selectively empathetic, if you were someone that was nice to her and that she had regular contact with Karen would often be downright rude, but if you were mean to Karen and treated her like crap, or were a client whom she never met but over the phone, Karen would go above and beyond. This is one symptom that I noticed, as we had an employee who was very abusive and mean to Karen, physically pushing her and cursing at her. I was involved in some disciplinary action we had to give to inflict on this abusive employee for her behavior to Karen, along with several other issues like poor attendance, and who was this employees greatest defender….none other than Karen. Karen worshiped this other abusive employee, even though she was mean to Karen and openly expressed distain for Karen. Finally, Karen did seem to have a special interest and that was Walmart. Nearly every time someone was looking to purchase something, or mentioned grocery shopping Walmart was the answer to everything, and the most perfect magical place in the world; it seemed like Disney-land to her when she talked about Walmart. Karen also became obviously cold to another worker when the employee announced that she was expecting her first grandchild, and told this woman straight-up that she didn’t want to hear about it, as it makes her so depressed, since she knows her grown autistic sons will never produce grandchildren. Then when this woman’s grand-baby was born, Karen revealed that her other huge interest was breast feeding, and would not get off this other employee’s back about letting her speak to her daughter, whom Karen had never met, to help coach her in breast-feeding. It seemed very hypocritical of Karen, and really got on this other employee’s nerves. Even though Karen had only been diagnosed with OCD, much of her behavior could only make sense when I looked at people I had known who were on the spectrum; I truly feel there was a reason why both of her children were autistic; her and her ex-husband both had it, not just her husband. |
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Hope 12:26 AM Wed 23rd Sep, 2020 |
@Over It.....I can sense your frustration. Aspies come in all different shapes and sizes though. My ex-boyfriend, who had been diagnosed with AS many years ago, was good at being a bicycle mechanic and that was about it. He really had very few talents, and a growing hoarding issue, but no job and no ability to think about/plan for the future. He had no ability to see the perspective of people, like me, who work, and would get overly sensitive when others were too busy because of work, and couldn't respond right away, etc. But, like I said he was a talented bicycle mechanic, but would only use that gift on casual acquaintances, strangers, and himself; with family and myself, he wouldn't lift a finger though. He always offered to fix my bicycle, that I ride competitively for exercise on a regular basis, but then wouldn't do a thing, and after weeks of asking, I'd try to take it and he would guilt trip me with something along the lines of, "it will hurt me greatly if you take it to another mechanic to have it fixed, because I care so much". I've sensed this behavior in other testimonies; aspies realize that being helpful to strangers/casual acquaintances in the community will gain them general acceptance and praise that they are looking for, but once you are in a committed relationship with them they completely stop being helpful, because helping out is like flexing a muscle to them and they can only do it so much. They fail to see that committed relationships should be the most valued, and also take work and nurturing; they don't just last for nothing. |
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Laura 10:48 PM Tue 22nd Sep, 2020 |
@Dave, this behavior is very characteristic for the moment when the aspies are conquered, since they're euphoric in completing their wish list (example: having a girlfriend, although they have no idea how to sustain it in the long term). It's usually one of the only times when they dedicate energy and effort to achieve what they want: a new interest / object / person. It's the moment, perhaps the only one, that is extremely pleasant and corresponds to everything you expect in a person. It's incredible and extremely pleasurable, but attention! My two-year relationship started like this and I got into the game: I thought I was an amazing, kind, polite, hardworking man like no other man. In the end, it all ended a year later when I was no longer his special interest (They determine how long the interest lasts, not you). After the conquest, these efforts reduce to zero in an almost drastic way (in most cases that I know and in my own case). The problem with playing this game, whether or not you are aware of the result, is that we feel discarded anyway in the end. Over time, we want the same things from the beginning and never, even demanding/pressing, but we will never have them again. It's the biggest frustration in the world and the feeling of discard is intense, irreparable. Everything seems to have been a trap and mistakes to imprison us in life that they never presented to us. If I could go back to the past and know what Asperger was, I'd have left and never made room for that person in my life. He destroyed everything and left without any consequences. He has a great life, unaware of his condition, while I'm in therapy trying to reconstruct the entire two-year life he stole. If you love yourself, if you want these intentions to be true of a man, I don't know if this guy is for you. Assess well how much he's willing and, mainly, aware of his conditions to be able to choose to follow or abandon immediately. Your emotions matter and shouldn't be held hostage by any game, an aspie or not. |
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Nana T. 9:52 PM Tue 22nd Sep, 2020 |
@OverIt. Whoa, it sounds like your husband may be almost a classic autistic(so, possibly with low IQ as well). |
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Shannon 8:40 PM Tue 22nd Sep, 2020 |
Dear, dear Overit. No, you are not the only one living like this. I can relate to much of your story, but in a milder way. Your spouse sounds eceptionally lame. Together since 16 and now 31? I beg you to find a way out. You were children when you got together and now you are clearly not suited. He sounds like a child. You sound so bright and lovely. You are still so young. Please, for you and your kids, try to find a way out of this horrible excuse for a marriage. I can't write more now but will try to come back to this later. My heart goes out to you. Love and hugs. |
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Idem 5:31 PM Tue 22nd Sep, 2020 |
@Over.it. I was just thinking what attracted you to your husband in the beginning? Putting aside all Aspie traits - It appears to me that you are not compatible at all. |
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Laurie 11:41 AM Tue 22nd Sep, 2020 |
As I said before, I went mute 12 years ago in my marriage and husband and his family have not noticed. He just wants his next meal so I put "slop" in front of him and do the other house hold chores. No sex, touch, conversation, and he is quite self satisfied. Workaholic and then watches TV and social media into wee hours. My dignity and humanity are gone. I can't make sense of my life. Never seen a more content person with him. Yet he is a bungling idiot. |
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Laurie 11:31 AM Tue 22nd Sep, 2020 |
How do I get help for the pain and gutted feeling? I feel eviscerated! I don't know what to do with the constant pain of my marriage. I myself feel insane and question my very sanity. I hurt on a cellular level. I have a plan to leave down the road but have a teaching contract to fulfill for now. Can't describe the emotional pain. Is there any hope? |
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Nana T 10:29 AM Tue 22nd Sep, 2020 |
Hey, everyone. Just wanted to share this. My facebook friend Shanna(also fellow Jehovah's Witness), who lives in Wisconsin, started dating long distance in early 2020, I think, a young Aspergers' gentleman that lives in Florida. They were planning to meet in the summer and possibly plan to get married. They did stuff together over zoom, including letter writing that Jehovah's Witnesses do. For whatever reason it didn't work out, and they broke up back in May. They are still friends over FB. Anyways, this past Saturday, Shanna made a post that was unrelated to the past relationship. She asked 'Is being upront and honest a turn off?', since she has mostly been having trouble finding a mate. And she is an upfront and honest person. I inboxed her later, and we had this convo. Me: Shan. Just thought about something funny. if you had married Bruce Eric, you might have gotten some exreme 'up front and honest' talks. People with Aspergers are known for bluntness. Lol, ...... Shanna: Yes he was blunt at times Me: Oh really? Shanna: But he has too much confidence in himself. Me: Very interesting. Shanna: He wasn't mean to me just overconfident. Like he makes... and calls himself 'hot man' and 'Bruce is the man'. He's okay-looking, he not that handsome. Me: 'hot man' (laugh emojis). Yeah, he looks alright. Shanna: Yes just alright not hot. Me: Exactly. Shanna: And he thinks he sings good, he was singing during the service meeting on zoom. The elder muted him, and said that he 'sounded like a cat dying'. So, he cannot sing. More convo, I leave out. Shanna: Bruce didn't take it seriously. Bruce thinks he's an artist, singer, and writer. Just wanted to ask, have any of you seen similar behavior in your relationships? Shanna |
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Over It. 8:40 AM Tue 22nd Sep, 2020 |
Is there anyone else out there with a significant other who is terrible at EVERYTHING?! I always read and hear about the one or two incredible "gifts" aspies have or I'm reading about how lousy they are at home but how great thet are at their jobs. Usually it's a very skilled job like an Engineer, Doctor, or some other well respected employment. I would give ANYTHING for my husband to be gifted at something. Heck, even mediocre at something. He breaks, messes up and loses absolutely everything he puts his hands on. He works in a manufacturing plant and I've noticed his co-workers in his particular department are more simple minded, lazy, or just don't care to move up in life. I hate to say it, but I'm embarrassed. He comes across so simple. I've been with him since I was 16 and we are 31 now. The older I get the further behind he seems to fall. He has zero friends. I have a healthy social life but he just stands there awkwardly while I keep conversation with other people. Because of this, we have zero couple friends. It's so lonely for me. I'm always making up for his short comings. Things I'm tired of: - His defensiveness. He plays the victim like no one I've ever seen. Nothing is his fault and everyone else has the problem. - He makes ZERO sense but thinks and says he's so "logical". Sometimes after a fight I litterally have no idea what he was talking about the entire time. He comes across very delusional. - OBSESSED with movies, books, TV, and phone games. He cannot function without being stimulated by electronics or fantasy. He can't ride in the car and look out the window, he can't appreciate anything that's REAL and going on around him. He takes no delight in living in the real world. If there's a TV on in a room, it's like everything stops and he HAS to watch for at least a moment. It's quite bazaar to witness actually. - He has a problem with staring at women. He will stare at anyone but it's mostly women. Yes, porn has been an issue. I've tried to teach him, like a child, how to quickly glance your eyes at people and things but he cannot or will not do that. Of course he insists he is not checking anyone out. I WATCH him stare at people! He also has no awareness for personal space so standing too close to someone or invading the personal space of anyone is an issue with him too. - He has NO depth perception. He's a HORRIBLE driver!!! He's totalled many cars. He doesn't know when to begin breaking or speeding up. He stops at green lights and runs red lights and stop signs. Usually he zones out and his brain seems to completely shut off while behind the wheel. Because of this, I drive us everywhere. I drove us to and from the hospital when our kids were born. Yeah, it doesn't embarrass him in the slightest. - His sarcasm. I HATE sarcasm. Mostly because of him. I know he uses it to feel more intelligent but he usually comes across even more simple minded because he's terrible at actually being sarcastic. He LOVES being sarcastic and correcting me in arguments. - Emotional abuse. When he's mean, he's HORRIBLY MEAN. There's no empathy, no conscience, no rules. He's says what he wants. He's out to win and he's out to hurt. I have no idea how someone can be as cruel as he can. When I'm angry, I at least know my limits because I was brought up to be a decent human being. There's no limits for him. The names I've been called over the past 15 years would blow your mind. Every house we've lived in had at least 1 hole in the wall because of him. After pretty much holding his hand and spoon feeding him the most basic human concepts, I get treated like crap when he's mad. - FIFTEEN JOBS! He has gotten let go of every single job he's had. Luckily he's held on to his current one for 3 years now. It's not that he doesn't show up or doesn't work hard, or drugs of any sort he's just terrible at everything. Bosses get fed up with him screwing everything up. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE if he had one of these aspie talents that everyone talks about. - Breaks everything. We've spent thousands of dollars replacing and fixing things. Phones, computers, cars, home repairs. There's nothing he won't damage. I get so jealous of my girlfriends who's husband's build, renovate or do beautiful things for their homes. I know I will never have anything really nice unless I do it myself or we hire it done. I'm so tired of doing 'husband stuff' myself. He cuts the grass, amd he'll do small stuff around the house. Any big project gets messed up by him making a very silly and un-needed mistake. I just have to bite my tongue and act like we have the money to fix it. - Social Awkwardness. I could write a book on this. He says he wants friends but does everything that sabatoges a friendship. He's cringworthy when he speaks. He doesn't give enough detail to the listener or he gives way, way too much. He has zero stories. He can only make very simple and minimal small talk. He doesn't laugh at the right time or at all. Everything is very short and monotone. I basically do all couple things alone. I wish so badly I could rest in the presence of a husband who can take control of a social interaction. Just once be able to sit back quietly and be proud of how kind or charming or funny he can be. But he's none of those things around others =( My friends have actually stopped telling me when they have couple get togethers. I'm only invited now when it's just the girls and no husbands. Their husbands just don't seem to enjoy him. Oh goodness...I could go on and on. Am I the only one living a life like THIS?! |
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Dave 7:51 AM Tue 22nd Sep, 2020 |
I'm not sure what to do. My Aspie now seems to be obsessed with me. He said he liked being single and needed his space. Then he saw me on the dating site where we met and started messaging me. We talked for a while then he started texting my cell. Then he sent me 2 presents, shirts. He also said it was all his fault that he stopped talking to me. Now he love bombs me with text messages for long periods of time. I would think he wasn't serious but he is putting a lot of time into the communication. Is this normal for them to sometimes get obsessed? I'm going along with the love bombing but I'm not taking it seriously. Does anyone have any thoughts? Thanks! |
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MaryAnne 4:46 PM Mon 21st Sep, 2020 |
Further to an earlier comment regarding the experience of being parented by an (undiagnosed) aspie, this has been my experience - Not seen or heard, not having my feelings/wishes/interests validated/affirmed/mirrored/accepted. not having weight or importance given to my feelings. receiving the message from the parent 'My needs/feelings/wishes/interests are important, but yours aren't'. All of which led to me reaching adulthood with a core belief 'I don't matter. I only matter in so far as I help or serve you'. (Cinderella) This core belief made me the perfect match for a marriage to an aspie (again undiagnosed so we are all fumbling around in the dark for years). I would hazard a guess that many on this site had at least one parent on the spectrum. My heart goes out to you all, and I thank you for sharing your testimonies. At least now we can make sense of our experience, and have our feelings validated. |
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Nicole 1:09 PM Mon 21st Sep, 2020 |
My aspie broke up with me the day after our 1 year anniversary. I text him to let him know a few days prior what I deserved, which was basic human needs like affection and validation. He broke up with me that night. I didn’t answer him after he text me it was done. Three days later he text me apologizing saying that he made a mistake. He eventually told me the long paragraph i text him pissed him off and he acted out of anger. Even though during our break up for those three days he reached out to a girl that has been trying to wedge between us and have had issues with before. He claimed he was lonely and just need an”filler” to talk to because he didn’t have his “ go to” which was insinuating that his go to was me. He wants me back but i have completely makeshift my life for him and all i do Is get tantrums when he doesn’t get what he wants or silent treatment for weeks. I don’t know if i can do this again. I love him but i don’t understand his way of thinking. I feel like I’m being used for his needs and his needs only. It’s hard to really trust what he says. I have a lot of thinking to do! |
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Aspies Suck 11:59 AM Mon 21st Sep, 2020 |
For anyone still wondering whether to stay with an Aspie, ask yourself the following question: Does he or she care about you or look after you when you are ill? Probably not. Imagine, heaven forbid, that you are seriously ill or in an accident. Your Aspie partner won't care except if it impacts or inconveniences them. As many posters have said, "It's all about them". Aspie brains don't develop the same way as an NT. When NTs are about 3 or 4 year old they begin to develop empathy. Aspies never do. |
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Lisa 10:31 AM Mon 21st Sep, 2020 |
Hello @ Joe et all. Joe, I am American and I believe that no one could have said it better than you just did. American has a HORRIBLE mental health system. This is my first comment. I am currently dating an Aspie. I think he knows he is on the spectrum and suspects I know. He is not violent but he does display some of the symptoms reported here by others. I'm so grateful for this site. Will post more later. Much love to all |
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Laura 7:24 AM Mon 21st Sep, 2020 |
I'd like a sincere request for help. I left a two-year relationship with an undignified aspie... I have been in therapy for years and this episode I understood as one of the most harmful and fatal that I have entered in my life and I cannot leave. And along with so many personal questions that I've tried to find my answers for years, I feel worse for everything I'm as a person. I consider myself an extremely profound person, endowed with a very delicate and intense sensitivity. I don't know how to live with my sensitivity, I don't know how to apply it in my life and I constantly attract so many situations of pain and abandonment. However, I also have traces of my family with a demand and violent communication that I was never able to resolve. In this relationship with a person who didn't correspond to things, I got millions of times worse. I demanded things of a very high magnitude that even an NT partner can struggle to respond to. And today, thinking like an aspie mentality, I feel like a completely abusive and monstrous ex-partner. That just crossed all the limits of his deficiencies... but all without knowing anything. I didn't know what asperger was.. I couldn't see his feeling, so I thought it was indifference. I'm constantly punishing myself for starting to understand that he had deep feelings for me... the way he did. I noticed him losing interest in me and abandoning me a thousand times. I read stories of happy partners together, in which the boyfriend is struggling for the girlfriend.. and just my story is like most others I read: a disappointment and destruction. I feel like I destroyed that possibility with him. And I also recognize that he was terrible with me, with so many abandonments for not being able to solve things with me and also being absent in empathy when I was making mistakes. I feel like killing myself for reliving this cycle of guilt in all my relationships. With an aspie I found the end of the line and have been going crazy crying for months alone. |
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Joe 4:09 AM Mon 21st Sep, 2020 |
I'm not going to pull any punches here. Aspie behavior is unbearably frustrating to deal with. They have no empathy and don't care about anyone else's needs or feelings at all. It is only about them. They may have adult intelligence but emotionally they are on the level of children. The are extremely entitled and expect everyone else to accommodate their bizarre rituals and behavior and if you refuse to give in you will be met with meltdowns, verbal abuse, and even violence. Someone was asking about what it means when people say Aspies care about justice. All that means is that they hold intense grudges against people for years for what they perceive to be injustices against them yet somehow forget the abusive behavior they have towards others. They are not just disabled in social skills or empathy. Their entire mental functioning is impaired. Many of them should be in group homes but in the U.S. mentally disabled people are instead often either on the street corner begging for money or spouses and family members will be their caretakers for the rest of their life and the lives of the NT people are often ruined because of this due to the U.S. having a horrible mental health system for a first world country. |
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Jackie 2:54 PM Sun 20th Sep, 2020 |
https://theneurotypical.com/rage-cycle-in-hfa.html Thank you, this is how my Autistic father abused our family. This is why it's hard to speak about how Autism masks and invalidates childhood PTSD in many people. Everytime I post about it I risk being emotionally abused by Autistic people who try to convince me I am crazy, because they cannot empathize with anyone outside themselves. They will make advocacy to prevent more child abuse under the protection of an Autism, a personal attack upon them. I'm trying the best I can, but their insidious means of controlling through guilt and shame is horrific. It creates a unsafe environment, and everyone must look the other way or else. It is legitimately horrifying to be around someone who out of nowhere will become agitated and rage. It's a faliure of the mental health and psychological community to validate this emotional and sometimes physical violence as a pitiable disorder. |
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Heinrich 8:52 AM Sun 20th Sep, 2020 |
@Samantha Yes, I had the same experience. I did set some boundaries after my Aspie mistreated me. He did realize that it wasn't ok how he treated me. So he used two techniques: he blamed me for feeling bad for mistreating me - so obviously I was the evil one for being hurt over his abusive behaviour - or by taking neutral conversations from before, reinterpreting them to make me look bad. In a totally weird way, honestly. |
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Samantha 6:33 AM Sun 20th Sep, 2020 |
Has anyone noticed that Aspie partners tend to get annoyed about something that is completely unrelated to the actual matter at hand? For example, I sent three text messages to my Aspie ex in a single day. Only one was rude— the third one. I was just a bit pissed like any girlfriend would be that he wouldn’t allow me to come see him on a particular day. He was got pissed off. But tried to guilt trip me about the first message that wasn’t rude. He then used the most twisted logic explaining to me he did this because the third message was so obviously rude that I didn’t need to be told. I instead had to be told about the first message that could have been conceived as rude. |
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Confessions of a NT 11:05 PM Sat 19th Sep, 2020 |
David, just wanted to say thank you, your most recent post was what I needed to read today. Being a victim of one's own empathy is a thought that I've been mulling around in my head lately, and it was as if you put order to my thoughts thus laying it to rest. You and your clear incites here are much appreciated. |
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Winnie 6:03 AM Sat 19th Sep, 2020 |
To Flavia: Yeah, tell that guy to fuck off when he contacts you for support. You need a real support system, not that jerk. Sorry, I feel pissed off reading what he did to you, abandoning you in a foreign country. He has to pay for his sins, imho. You don't owe him a second of your time. To Lucky: I TOTALLY know what you meant about the "scoffing" thing....my 5 week relationship with an Aspie (that i'm so glad I got out of by reading everyone's posts here that made me realize that I dont't need this kind of shit in my life) was just like yours! Except that my Aspie (who was from London) would make a Thhh sound with his tongue on the back on his teeth, almost so hard he would spit. It was a scoff, just like you said! It was hard to figure it out at first, but you hit the nail on the head. I'm really glad you called it quits soon, like me. I read these posts on here and i feel ANGRY. I think that they are treating everyone like paid staff persons. DON"T BE A STAFF PERSON...it's not a real relationship...you're a staff person...like the hired help at a facility! |
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David 5:07 AM Sat 19th Sep, 2020 |
There are a lot of people here who are in pain over losing their aspie, especially without closure. Don't be too hard on yourselves. I've been there, done that, and sometimes still miss who I thought she was. But realize that he or she misrepresented themselves- they left because you're not important to them anymore- you were nothing more than a special interest and an object. Yeah, it hurts and you're in denial over it, but you're wasting mental energy over someone who won't change, and who views the rest of us as the problem. What makes it harder is the diagnostic label itself, because it implies a disability that the person has no control over. If a non-aspie acted this way towards us, we would have less trouble cutting them loose. But because we think aspies have a handicap and are allegedly not responsible for their behavior, we are more empathetic and understanding towards them, thinking that if we try hard enough, we can help them overcome their disability. We can't. Trained therapists can't. And even if someone like this didn't intend to hurt us, why should that really matter? Whether someone has a loaded gun and fires it intentionally at us, or if it goes off by accident, we are still dead either way. Their intentions don't matter to the victim, only the end results. I suggest that we not be too empathetic towards people who aren't capable of emotional reciprocity, and who continually turn the tables on us in a vain attempt at projecting their failures onto others. When we try to understand an aspie, we become victim to the very thing that makes us special- our empathy. But our empathy is misplaced in these situations and becomes our liability- it is directed towards someone who cannot appreciate it, who doesn't want it, and who will not change. Once you come to terms with these things and forgive yourself from falling into an almost unavoidable trap set by a clever actor, you can start to regain your self-respect and dignity, and realize that you deserve much more than they would ever be capable of giving you. |
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Leona 7:27 PM Fri 18th Sep, 2020 |
To Flávia 6:51 AM Fri 18th Sep, 2020: Why do you do this to yourself? Why do you stay in contact with a man who abused and abandoned you?? Why don't you just block him (on the phone, E-mail and all social media) and move on with your life? I think that's the reason why you can't get over the mourning process. You are still entangled with your abuser. Since you are a psychologist, please ask yourself: What is the benefit of your behaviour (keeping the contact)? Do you think you can save him/fix him/make him come back to you/realize what he lost? I don't mean to offend you in any way, Flavia, but in order to move on and achieve the life you desire and deserve, you must ask yourself (and answer) these questions honestly and change your behaviour. Keeping the contact will only increase your misery. "No contact" is the key! |
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Diamond 7:01 PM Fri 18th Sep, 2020 |
Hi everyone. I would really love to hear your opinions on something, from both NT and AS perspective if possible…… My aspie ex has completely withdrawn since June from me and also the joint friendship circle we were in. At the time, he sent me a very direct text message of ‘I am really very sorry to have to ask this but please do not contact me in any way ever again’. I then found out last week from a mutual friend that he has decided to move overseas for 7 months, possibly longer if it works out. I know him well and this is his usual ‘run away’ response to try and reduce his stress and anxiety when he gets overloaded. I sent him a text to say how exciting, would love to take him out for dinner to clear the air and say goodbye properly, and he hasn’t responded….. I know that he tends to live in the past in his head and go over and over situations related to failed romantic interests, constantly questioning where things went wrong. He is 40 and would still talk as far back as when he was 18 regarding dates, exes, anything – he would relive the failures again and again. As his happiness is still my utmost concern (always has been) and given that he is clearly stressed and struggling, do you think I should contact him to try and give him some level of explanation as to what I think happened with us and reassure him that he is still very much loved by all? Or would that upset him more than help? My end goal is to make sure he doesn’t suffer more than he needs to from his constantly reliving the past again and again and for him to know that, with me at least, he did not do anything wrong and was very much loved by me and our friendship circle. So hopefully he can find some peace in his heart and mind. Thoughts everyone? |
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Idem 4:25 PM Fri 18th Sep, 2020 |
I was just thinking -it is lots said that Aspies are good at 'masking' but from my observation they are not really so good for perceptive person.This mask quite often drops when they are stressed, tired.It is quite confusing because it is like switch from one personality to another- nearly like double personality. |
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Lucky 10:46 AM Fri 18th Sep, 2020 |
Hi, I just want to thank everyone for sharing their stories. I was in a very long and serious relationship with a man who ended up succumbing to alcoholism. I tried to make things work, but ultimately couldn't. It was codependent, and I let my own health, passions, and sense of self go all while trying to 'cure' him, help him get sober, help him financially, emotionally, and on and on. It drained me. Flat out of that relationship and I meet someone who seems positively nerdy and non-threatening, really intelligent, different, and had a little bit of an old-fashioned/formal attitude that I liked. We were just getting to know each other, but talking a lot by text. When we talked on the phone things were a little awkward but I chalked that up to being the beginning of a dating relationship. I started to get the sense that he hadn't had a lot of girlfriends, but that would be unusual for his age (40s). On our first date he seemed great at first, warm and friendly. But after about 45 minutes, we were in a pleasant conversation and he asked me a question about college admissions that had nothing to do with anything we were talking about. He asked the question almost like a demand, and seemed really perplexed and mildly annoyed that I wasn't interested in the subject at all. I noticed later he was cool and barely talked to wait staff, treating them as if they were not there at all. More non sequiturs came up, but overall I liked that he seemed stable, reserved, and genuine. Then suddenly, he said he had to leave and dashed off without a real goodbye. It was like he was excusing himself to the restroom, but instead he was done. I was frustrated and really put off, but when he asked me out again (another afternoon, casual thing) I said yes. This time we met outside a restaurant he normally went to. He asked why I waited outside - versus going inside (this is covid but they had an outdoor garden area in the back of the restaurant) and I was so confused. It's normal to wait and meet and greet someone outside a restaurant - he acted like it was some kind of completely abnormal thing to do. At the table things went fine, but it was awkward, I could feel his eye really drilling into me. He didn't share anything emotional and everything he said sounded like a practiced response. I thought it was just him being nervous, which in turn made me nervous. He would laugh at things, but it came off like a snicker and at odd moments, which started to make me self conscious. (Like if I said, "I'm really close with my family." - that's the not the time to scoff at someone.) His tone wasn't really conversational, it sounded really condescending. We spent the afternoon together and at one point were walking down the street in the rain, sharing an umbrella. It felt really romantic to me, but he seemed like couldn't wait to bolt across the street away from me. But if I asked him if he was ok, he said he was enjoying himself. But he didn't sound it, the whole thing was so confusing. We ended up having an outdoor cocktail and suddenly, like the last time, he hopped up and was on his way - date was over! I was shocked and asked him to sit back down and say goodbye properly. He did, but wow, did he look uncomfortable. The next day he sent me a text that he had a great time. When I tried to explain the day to someone else they suggested he might be on the spectrum. Since then, he's texted and emailed - he asks if we can get together again. When I initially said yes but tried to find a date he would respond that he was too busy (yet he has asked for the date?!). I gave up and started reading about asbergers. I tried to gently ask him if he had aspergers but he got really defensive and asked, "What have I done to make you think that sort of thing?" I asked if he had PTSD or was depressed (since that can mimic aspie behavior) and he was less defensive, but said no. We stayed in touch by text for a while, because I was hoping somehow he would admit things and/or I felt sorry for him. I don't think he has any friends. But the more I tried to be his friend even, the more he pushed me away. He lied about things (little things that didn't matter like saying he never read a certain magazine and then I found out he had been a fan for years), would act very warm (for example asking about something I liked) but when I responded had a complete disinterest. Ultimately when I asked if he wanted me in his life in any way, he said it was up to me. I really felt bad for him and wanted to boost his self confidence, but at the same time, he had spoken or behaved in ways that made me cry more than once. I did a lot of research about autism. I'm 99% sure he has aspbergers, and 98% sure I've seen his mask slip a lot since I met him. There is a lot of info out there that suggests Aspies are these sweet teddy bears with little quirks who cannot lie. I thought maybe I could find a way around his quirks since there were things I liked about him... but the more I read and talked to him the more I realized the things I like about him are a put on. They aren't *really* there. I cannot thank you all for sharing your experiences. It was reading this site over a few weeks that made me realize I've dodged a bullet in a big, big way. I have no doubt he is Aspie, and because of that he is emotionally unavailable or downright indifferent to how others feel at best. I feel sorry for him, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have any feelings for me at all if the tables were turned. |
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Flávia 6:51 AM Fri 18th Sep, 2020 |
Every day I read your testimonies here. I feel that this is a safe and irreplaceable place that seeks your relief and understanding never before found <3. Unfortunately my mourning process of my two-year relationship with a French guy, after the abandonment I suffered in another country and in the pandemic, is long and I can't get over it. He still writes to me as if nothing is abnormal. He abandoned me in Europe to do a doctorate in Canada and now he tells me everything about his academic plans without feeling the slightest resentment, with immense happiness and indifference. He talks about math all the time and about the millions of scientific articles he wants to publish. He wants my support and compliments while offering NOTHING in return, he rarely talks about me or things I appreciate. Worst of all, he's questioning whether to "have a relationship again or not" after the whole tragic episode. He really thinks there would be a new chance between us with an arrogant and terrible tone! How is he able? What makes me very angry is that, while I was lost in another country, living the worst abandonment of my life alone and without his help, he never again kindly wrote to me as a friend. He disappeared, met new people, and simply coldly ignored all the problems that I could be living in the other country. Now, he just seems to be using me as an object (a kind of anchor) until he goes to Canada and finds his life to abandon me again. What did he create in his head? That I'm a known person and the security he needs if he doesn't find everything he wants there? Have you ever felt like a puppet in the hand of an Aspie? |
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Flávia 6:40 AM Fri 18th Sep, 2020 |
@Franks ------ I read your testimony and I really felt the pain of your story because it's very similar to mine. In fact, if you read so many testimonials on the internet, you'll find thousands of them and you'll see that we weren't the only ones "drawn" in the immense pain of the heart. I don't know how long ago you entered the world of knowing about aspergers after your relationship (Me too, "woke up" only at the end of my relationship), but you'll find all the answers in other people and stories.. It's as if our boyfriends were brothers, sometimes. I recognize your story because I also dated the distance for two years with a French / mathematician. We traveled all over Brazil (my country) together, I shared every sea breeze with him to the sound of poetry by Brazilian writers. I was asked to marry in many different places and I believed it was the life I deserved. Today I'm interpreting that I was used as an object for his curiosity about my country. In the end, after all, when I finally changed countries to be close to him, he decided to go to Canada (coldly) because of his dream of a doctorate. He slept on the phone and never answered me again. He abandoned me in the middle of the pandemic and never supported me. The plans we made together just didn't exist anymore and it was all my fault for "pushing / rushing him". I was alone, without anyone and without speaking the language. I was stuck for 8 months in this hell and looping with pure anguish. He was simply a robot and I understood the whole lie of his ~sweet~ masks. Their ingenuity is so captivating and they make us feel so special... so unique! And I found out that he was using a dating app a week after breaking up while I was crying all the tears from the oceans that we visited together. I know that you have no strength and I also know that you'll never have the answers to all the questions and betrayals you have suffered. Distance facilitates masks in these people and really creates an illusion of great effort. I advise you to think about your liberation from a horrible future and for never having suffered more consequences in your real life, as I suffered and so many others, for the possibility of being abandoned / distanced / deprived of everything that is normal and desired in relationships. My pain is also not over (I have been suffering so much for 4 months), but I'm struggling and learning a lot about ASD to remove the blame that he placed on me. Do your purification process, think of liberation and be firm on the path that's the future without it! Rebuild yourself and remember each day the value of love and empathy for your life. He couldn't offer that to you. He will always repeat his cycle with other people until the end of life (my psychologist's words). It's all about him, about his syndrome. The guilt you feel can, in large part, be purified only in your heart (and with the help of excellent therapy). I send you positive thoughts and fight together for these mistakes! (Sorry because English isn't my native language). <3 |
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Winnie 12:35 AM Fri 18th Sep, 2020 |
To Ima Fool: OMG I would totally flip out and tell your boyfriend, "Yeah I don't respect you and I'm gonna kill all these flies with the flyswatter and if you don't like it, take a walk cuz I'm going on a fly-killing binge." He can just go fuck himself. I mean, really. I felt ANGRY when I read what you wrote. And you gotta get that job and move out. Sounds like the most miserable situation I could ever imagine. OMG I would go postal. Get out. Get out. Get out..... |
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Miel 12:02 AM Fri 18th Sep, 2020 |
@Robert My apologies for the misunderstanding, English is not my first language. While I’m on the subject, I’ve noticed @Lily that censoring and putting a NT in a box/prison is a recurring theme. My AS man, after weeks of censoring me and forcing me to communicate only via his preferred messaging client, actually suggested I write to him only in French. He did not even speak nor understand French but no doubt imagined this would quell further analysis or discussion. He then proposed that he would also call me for one hour per week. I would be required to speak French while he spoke English (he usually refused to speak at all during phone calls). It was near the end of our relationship, within days of him accusing me of being “obsessed” with him yet I immediately refused which enraged him. The proposal was an insult to me and to my language. To be treated this way, “loved” and abruptly rejected, censored and maligned, only to finally be given an allotted phone call like a prisoner!? My refusal spun him into a rage which ended our relationship. I’m thankful I retained enough self-respect to refuse him this final nonsense. At the time, I didn’t even realize it was a common controlling “strategy” from the masking AS toolbox. |
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franks 11:10 PM Thu 17th Sep, 2020 |
What a whirlwind.. I was dating someone for 2 years before I found out he was on the spectrum. During those two years I felt something was different about him but found his quirks endearing and genuinely liked that he was shy, good looking, and unique. But there were so many times I felt like he was insensitive and rude and then whenever I confronted him about it it was somehow my fault for feeling this way in the first place. I felt completely gaslighted and unsure of myself. We also are from different countries..which made things difficult. We were either apart for months or travelling somewhere spending every second of every day with one another. I thought a lot of our issues stemmed from constantly being together. 2 days before I was about to get on a flight home his aunt casually mentioned that she thinks he has Aspergers but his family hadn't told him. My world was shook and I felt so confused. The day before I leave he proposed to me. I said yes and went home with a lot to think about! After 5 months home and a lot of reflection I decided that he was the one for me. (I spoke to him about Aspergers and he was sweet and wholeheartedly agreed that he had it) Who needs to be with someone "normal" how boring and overrated! So I go to be with him and we finally figure out a place we can both live with plans to settle down. At this point we decide on Spain and are there for about 6 months. During these 6 months he felt very distant and cold at times and I was really trying to be understanding and have empathy for him. He also suffers from OCD and I always felt like it must be hard to be him at times and that broke my heart. Due to COVID the lockdown in Spain was pretty serious. During this time he broke down crying one day and confessed to having cheated on me. He went to a beer festival when we last did long distance, "doesn't remember" anything and woke up in a girls bed. I felt so hurt and broken and I was stuck with him inside and couldn't leave!!! The worst was knowing that he did it 3 weeks after he proposed and lied to me about it for a year! I also had recurring dreams about him cheating on me for months and he continually denied having done so when I would ask him. After a couple months of trying to be okay with it because I really do love him, I decided I had to go home and broke off our engagement. Im so devastated and really feel like I may have just lost something special. I love his outlook on the world and we share a love for animals and the ocean.. he was my first love and my whole world has just changed. I hope I've made the right decision. Everyone's stories has helped my process and helped me to stay strong..thank you all so much x |
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Ollie 6:06 PM Thu 17th Sep, 2020 |
To Ima fool: I felt my skin crawl when I was reading your testimonial. Your boyfriend sounds like a complete maniac. This behaviour is not normal... not even for an aspie. Please get out of this relationship as soon as possible (let someone help you, e.g. women's shelter, domestic violence hotline etc.), I really fear for your safety (and sanity)! |
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Ima Fool 6:22 AM Thu 17th Sep, 2020 |
My live in Aspie boyfriend (Ok, he's 65) doesn't want me to use the fly swatter. We have an infestation and he doesn't want me to kill flies, of which there are approx. 100. I did the research to determine that he needs to take out the trash more frequently as this is what the larvae (maggots) live on. He reluctantly did so but does not rinse the dishes off (we have both cat and our own) just leaves them by the sink for *me* to wash. I am looking for work and he has retired on his savings (no, he doesn't share any money with me, all expenses are divided except for those he decides he won't pay). I bought (with my funds but this time I will ask him to split) various fly-killing remedies: clear sticky tape since we have glass windows, and a 'zapper' which is the most expensive. I had to drive around getting these as he does not drive. He interrupted my job search yesterday with a statement that he put one of the flies on the sticky tape, 'out of its misery' but he was sure I would notice so wanted to tell me. He identifies more with the flies than with me. I have a precious job interview Friday morning and sadly the place I like to interview (near natural light) and the only convenient place is by the window *where the flies are*. I explained carefully to him that the place needs to be fly-free by the time of my interview. However, the flies have had a '2nd generation' and they are back again. I tried enlisting his help but he stated that if I 'respected him' I would not use the swatter. He also took me to task for not helping him by removing books and other paper items from the floor where he can vacuum as I noticed pupae. I can't change him but want to avoid doing all the dishes, doing all of the fly work and them have him yell as me (teeth flashing, saliva spitting) after I use a fly swatter. He is insane, I think. I am half-way there. |
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Kitty 4:43 AM Thu 17th Sep, 2020 |
Lily: I cried when I read your story. It is the closest to my own experience. "Not one holiday or weekend spent together." I went through this too. (Although I found out that I was "compartmentalised" because my aspie ex was seeing someone else!) I felt played too. You may not get closure because he might refuse responsibility. That's the thing that hurts the most. They are so like children--different from narcs--in that they claim woman are "too emotional"-- this is their get-out-of-jail-card. They cannot see the harm they cause (unlike narcs). I'm so sorry you spent years in this situation. I knew within the first few dates something was wrong. My situation lasted 6 months. But I understand why these relationships go on for longer. You can't help who you fall in love with. You must now learn to be kind to yourself. Spoil yourself. Get fit. Eat well. Get out and enjoy the company of friends. Travel. New goals. It really is the best way to get over these weird relationships. All the best. |
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Vicky 9:24 PM Wed 16th Sep, 2020 |
Lily - he is still consuming your thoughts even after the breakup because you are not taking the time to be aware of yourself or work on the insecurities that developed because of that neglectful relationship. The agony of the relationship was real but you still stay stuck on the fantasy of what could have been. My 21 year relationship ended this past June and 2 months later he had another woman at his home. My only thought was how I wanted to warn her. I started meditating and listening to Mooji on YouTube and it has helped me learn to get in touch with my true self of love, kindness and compassion. I mentally went back & forth of his good and bad qualities but in the end I had to accept he actually made my skin crawl with the awkward and uncomfortable “dead air” conversations. I never felt a sense of ease or security in that relationship and I won’t let myself forget it. I know this is tough but do anything that makes you feel joy and in time he will be a faded painful memory. I can’t believe how much I have grown in more than 3 months of not seeing him or talking to him. There is hope, just have faith. |
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Lily 3:47 PM Wed 16th Sep, 2020 |
I need help. I and the aspire broke up a few months ago. It’s been hard tbh. I know 100percent he’s AS. I know the hell he put his ex wife through and subsequently put me through neglect. But for some reason - and I think it’s the fact that my self esteem has been battered by that relationship, that I get thoughts that he might change or do better for someone else. I found out he’s seeing someone new. And I have feelings of anger thinking that he may change for someone else and yet he didn’t for me. I work with him two days a week. I know my self esteem eroded because I accepted and put up with years of delays. eventually I kept threatening to end things and he would beg me to stay and promise to change and literally never change. I did t feel like I was in a relationship. He never ever took me on dates once the three month honeymoon phase ended. He never called accept for his own selfish work stuff, asking my advice. I’d go days and days without hearing from him. Not one holiday or weekend spent together. When I said that for us to be in a relationship I need to see the person I’m with twice a week at least, he said “I do see you twice a week” - he was referring to work. I wasn’t included like a gf...I was put in a compartment , like I was in a shoe box and he’d peek every now and then to make sure I was still there. Slowly I started feeling neglected, then rejected and insecure like there was something wrong with me. He’d tell me that he had to catch up on paper work etc and yet I eventually found out that he did make time for meeting business acquaintances etc. I felt horrible. It’s like all of this behaviour stems from rules in his mind and yet I feel played. I keep remembering how all of his colleagues see the real him - a selfish power hungry aspie, but he gets away with it. They all talk behind his back. He does this thing where he delays any persons request. He makes patients wait and wait. Patients come out of their treatment saying “God he puts me in a bad mood”. His colleagues make requests of him and instead of saying no etc, he will delay them. He will make outlandish excuses as if they don’t see past the B.S., and I realize now it’s his mind blindness, he doesn’t understand how others perceive him. So there’s all this glaring proof that’s he’s never going to change, and it wasn’t ME and yet I somehow wonder and feel sad that he is in a new relationship with someone else instead of putting that time and effort into me. I feel rejected. The messed up part is that he’s gone out of his way to help me open my business. And I know he cognitively understands that what he did and his ways are wrong But it’s like there’s a missing peice. And now I’m left with anger and resentment. He will never change, I keep having to tell myself that. All his relationships will eventually devolve. The mask will slip....right? |
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Spencer Y 2:26 PM Wed 16th Sep, 2020 |
@erin 9/12/2019 I'm sorry you had experienced that. Currently I'm in this situation about to escape. I get little to no respect and she claims to love me but doesn't understand that love is more than a two way street. Luckily no children are in this battle. Why are they so manipulative? Yet us NTs are the controlling ones to them. |
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RMary 11:15 AM Wed 16th Sep, 2020 |
@Ree Ree. Sorry to hear about your shrimp incident. Sadly, this kind of thing is all-too-common for AS people. Some have zero ability to consider others. The exAS guy I dated actually *did* have some comprehension of that -- which actually made it all the more insulting. One time I made dinner for us, which we were going to eat after coming back from a movie. I pre-cooked 3 chicken breasts (for the two of us) and was in the course of preparing salads (with no offer to help from him, I might add). I turn around to realize that AS ex had gone into the fridge and eaten all three chicken breasts himself. In response to my baffled look, he said, "how selfish of me", and carried on. No apology. Another time we were at a restaurant and he ordered a meal, but I was not too hungry so I said I'd share a large side salad. I came back from going to wash my hands in the restaurant bathroom, only to see that he had eaten the entire side salad -- including my half -- by himself. Again, the "how selfish of me" line was his only response. I know he didn't mean to leave me with no food... it's just that in his warped brain literally nobody else matters. The total lack of care for us and others can feel so devaluing, if you let it. I'm glad I'm out. All the best to those on this board. |
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Spencer Y. 9:47 AM Wed 16th Sep, 2020 |
Going to keep this short but going through a lot these past weeks. I just don't get it. I spent 10 years and 9 relationship cycles with as Aspie that just doesn't get independence. I'm just so numb right now i can scream. We're going through relationship problems and i asked her to do her part while she has off days. I come home to an messy kitchen and apartment because she wants to hangout. I give 150% while her 100% is a 25% in normal terms. I'm at a lost on what to do because she's claiming she'll be homeless if we don't renew the lease. I'm tried of carrying so much of the load in our relationship. I apologize if this isn't the place for this i cannot sit idle anymore and let her control our life into a life of toxicity. |
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Robert 9:28 AM Wed 16th Sep, 2020 |
@Miel I'm referring to the average person outside of the family who won't believe you when you tell them your struggles, not the NT in the relationship. |
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Winnie 8:42 AM Wed 16th Sep, 2020 |
So the Aspie Doctor kept texting me and I kept not answering. Finally he sent me this, "I guess you're ignoring me. I deserve that. Do you really want to give up on something that could be even better?" (This is the guy who didn't text me back for four days and it turned out he had moved out of state for a few months and hadn't bothered to tell me, but is hoping to rekindle the relationship in November, when he returns.). So I wrote him this, "I gave up on anything when I texted you to break up last Saturday. I came to that conclusion the week previously when you couldn't be bothered to let me know what your weekend looked like. And in the last week you've done a 180 trying to prove you can be attentive, which only serves to show yourself up, from how you were previously. So either you couldn't be bothered to respond to me on purpose before, or you're being manipulative now. Either way, I'm not interested. It wouldn't be better, as you say. You would be in control of the information and choices and I would be a second-class citizen in the relationship. I don't want that." I came across a screenshot of a saying by Emily Maroutian. I thought it described how men see women in general, but after having had this luckily short-lived relationship, I realize it REALLY describes an Aspie / NT relationship. "I am not here for your understanding of who I am. I am here for your understanding of who you are. I am your mirror. How you feel about me, what you see in me, the thoughts that arise from your encounter of me, the judgments you hold about me, are all reflections of you. They have nothing to do with me." |
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Ree Ree 3:11 AM Wed 16th Sep, 2020 |
During this quarantine, I am finding myself yearning for a deeper level of conversation. All we talk about is what we ate for dinner and current events. He hardly shows emotion, looks like he is always angry, doesn't talk much, watches more television than Chauncey Gardner, (Movie: Being There), rarely compliments, too routine oriented, (brushing teeth and showering every night and morning at the same time), rarely laughs, selfish with TV remote, is a money grubber, finds it easier to criticize than compliment, rarely talks about his family. It is like, nobody is home and the lights are off! |
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Ree Ree 3:03 AM Wed 16th Sep, 2020 |
My "Aspie" and I do not live together. We visit each other every weekend; usually beginning on Thursday or Friday through Monday morning. One weekend, he mentioned that he cooked shrimp and rice and would bring some over to share with me. He usually cooks this dish as he thinks it is good. I'm not a shrimp lover, but manage to force myself to eat it out of courtesy. When he brought the shrimp over to my apartment, I noticed that the shrimp dish had the tiny tale part - not the meaty part at the top (where the head would have been had it still been attached). I always knew he was selfish, but this really took the cake. So the only pieces of shrimp that was mixed in with the rice was the tiny, tiny, tiny part of the "tail". No meaty parts at all. So when I asked him if he took all the large pieces of the shrimp and left me with the tiny pieces he said that "you know how I cut the shrimp up - it just happened that way." There is no way that out of 2 pounds of shrimp, 100% of the pieces I got were the smaller pieces. The selfishness is unbelievable. I was supposed to believe this explanation. You don't have to be a statistician to see that this explanation was BULL SHIT! |
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Miel 2:33 AM Wed 16th Sep, 2020 |
Were we “ignoring details” because reality risked making our NT heart “feel bad” or were we performing the empathetic act of setting aside “details” and giving a broken individual we loved the benefit of the doubt? After all, in a normal relationship there’s a give and take of heartfelt generosity that precedes falling in-love. My man would accuse me of being “angry” at him. But, in his AS mind, when women failed to guess that something was bothering him and took issue with his heartless behaviour, he saw us all as “angry” and “lacking empathy”. (My father, who was also a late-diagnosed AS, abused us yet often claimed we “bullied” him if we interfered with his self care or threatened his mask.) And, like him, my AS man raged when others tried to make him “responsible” for their feelings but, a mask is a lie and liars are responsible for the consequences of their lies. |
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Idem 10:07 PM Tue 15th Sep, 2020 |
@Ollie- I think that this deep connection is so normal in most of NT families that they take it for granted - just by reading this forum I realised that for so many people with narcissistic/autistic relations it is not a case. |
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Ollie 2:52 PM Tue 15th Sep, 2020 |
This is fpr Paula 8:22 PM Mon 14th Sep, 2020: I feel you, though I don't have AS-children. I am the daughter of a narcissictic mother and I had these feelings of envy and wistfulness you describe whenever I watched my female friends interact lovingly with their mothers. It was just this level of deepness and affection that I have NEVER achieved with my mother and never will (her loss too, IMHO). For us NT-people (or, as someone pointed out, let's call ourselves "normal" because we are) it is so essential to have these deep connections in our lives, especially with our family members. But we don't. And it hurts. Sending a virtual hug to you, Paula! |
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Robert 5:43 AM Tue 15th Sep, 2020 |
Hey there, I'm an aspie child of parents who definitely had some the traits themselves, especially my mom who had lots of repetitive hand movements and a very poor theory of mind (along with very bad schizophrenia, made worse by the fact that she was totally incapable of self reflection). People would always tell me how much my mother loved me because she loved to give me material things and never made me do chores or taught me how to do them but she was very possessive and neurotic to the point of being emotionally abusive and did not give a damn about my personal development at all. My father did not see any of this until I made him see it very recently which I would not have been able to do without my financial independence allowing me to flex on them when they want to see me. As a child I would find sticks in the backyard and proceed to bang them against the patio for hours on end and would get lost in my imaginary world, did the hand flapping then whem frustrated sometimes (still do) and though I was book smart with a wide vocabulary my handwriting was and is terrible and I often found it difficult to connect with people. I say all this to prove my apsie bona fixes. The purpose of this message is to say that I definitely see both sides of the issue here. I know how frustrating it is to describe things that sound like they're not a big deal to people but they really are. For example my father was incredibly out of touch with me and only paid attention to his own interests, but when you're a teenager describing that to someone it just sounds like a variation of a normal complaint a kid might have about his parent. Ironically I feel like the NT tendency to generalize and dismiss details of situations is part of the issue here, plus being in touch with your emotions more may make it more difficult to accept certain realities if they make you feel bad. When we aspies try to articulate the issues we have we are often confronted with the same dismissal that a relative or partner would face when describing the issues with their aspie because this condition can be so hard to describe in a way that will make a normal person think it's a serious issue. Anyway, I'm still dealing with the scars of both my upbringing and also dating someone for a while who definitely had a severe empathy deficit and anger issues, which in turn have left me with greatly exacerbated anger issues of my own. I hope you all find peace the best you can. |
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tidalstream 10:19 PM Mon 14th Sep, 2020 |
Dear All, thanks for your insightful comments, and for sharing your experience. I could never relax in a social setting with my aspie partner; I never knew when she was going to say something inappropraite, boastful, or just plain odd. She was often trying too hard to impress people when there was just no need. |
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Paula 8:22 PM Mon 14th Sep, 2020 |
Hello everyone I have read and posted on this website before but I don't think I have come across this feeling I have. This weekend I attended a baby shower in my sister's backyard for my goddaughter. It took me the rest of the weekend to get over it. I realized that I was filled with envy and wistfulness at the normalcy of the event. I have an adult daughter not tested but with signs of AS and a younger daughter also with signs of AS.I was filled with grief at the limitations in our interactions. It's all surface talk never anything deeper and practically no interest in companionable activities with me. Wow the loneliness I experienced in my marriage and the loneliness I feel with several of my kids is so disappointing. |
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maggie 9:11 AM Mon 14th Sep, 2020 |
To Kim ( 12 Sept)-- everything you say is true, I appreciated your comments |
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Idem 6:58 AM Mon 14th Sep, 2020 |
@Dahlia, I really feel for you. When thinking about it NT husband/wife of Aspie can always end relationship but NT child of Aspie parents is so defenceless.... In my family it was my dad - I had no idea that he was autistic at the time but I remember when I was growing up when my mum was late from work I was always worried and panicking that something could happen to her.It was sort of child instinct that without her my file would be permanent abandonment and misery. Thinking about it now - I am so grateful I have not inherited it from him but I did some test and I think that I am in group of HSP ( highly sensitive person) I am very observant and emphatic and good with social interactions but I have one trait in common with autistic people: sensory processing sensitivity. Difference is that I don't react with aggression and meltdowns but quietly remove myself from situation ( to loud music, light, heat, cold....) |
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JodyK 4:56 AM Mon 14th Sep, 2020 |
I stumbled across this site this evening. I am blown away by the frank discussions shared, so grateful that these have woken me up to very harsh realities should I chose to continue in this relationship. @ David 28 July - thankyou for you candor - indeed some self reflection is needed as to WHY I think I can "fix a broken person". Thankyou all for your sharing. |
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Dahlia 2:26 AM Mon 14th Sep, 2020 |
I have an aspie mother and a brother, aunt, uncles and probably some cousins too... My mother’s family is full of ASD. My NT father died in a accident when I was 10 years old... He was my rock, and loved me unconditionally. My mother cried and screamed for a week when my father died, and after that never ever mentioned him again... I never felt that my mother loved me, but since I had food, clean clothes and she didn’t physically abuse me I thought that’s how love should be. But she was emotionally and verbally abusive. She never liked my friends, I wasn’t allowed to invite anyone to our home, I was send of to birthday parties without gifts, my birthday was never celebrated or remembered. The worst thing was that I wasn’t allowed to show feelings, not sorrow and not too much joy either. Tears were punished with time out in my room. I could come out when I stopped crying... I was criticized for everything, my work, my looks, my achievements. I was cute, A-student, active in sports and many other activities. She called me names if house chores weren’t done perfectly, or if my closet wasn’t in perfect order. Nothing I did was ever good enough. She always found something to criticize or compare me to somebody else who did it better than me... My brother was golden child. She did everything for him, and made me do it too. I loved my brother, and took care of him and helped him long in to adulthood, but If I complained that I was treated unfairly compared to my brother, I was accused of jealousy. Just once she admitted to me, that she did more for him than for me because he was like her and she understood him. (“did more for him” meant either she or I did all chores for him or helped him with whatever he needed). So she knew that I was different from how they were, but never once try to understand me or ask me what I needed help with. Not even practical female things like a monthly period or makeup or fashion were ever discussed with me. Keep in mind this was academically achieved, attractive and fashionable women we talk about. I could keep on and on and on. I am 50 years old, and still live the consequences of being raised by high functioning autistic mother, and with high functioning autistic brother. Both of them are academics, with good jobs and respected in their workplace. I still have contact with them, they are my only family besides my adult son. I try to understand them and love them, but I have to keep my distance or I wouldn’t survive... My father loved me and was proud of me, and I remember and cherish his love for me, but I was too young when he died to integrate his unconditional love to my core and my self esteem. Intellectually I know that I am good enough and worthy of respect and love, and I know what I should get in a relationship. But still I always end up with unloving, emotionally unavailable, egocentric men, or in the best case immature man-child who needs mamma to take care of him. I was conditioned to work hard for a tiny little bit of appreciation and love that almost never come. That’s how I (unconsciously) operate in my relationships, with the friends or even in the workplace. I had one unsuccessful marriage, 3 longer relationships, and some shorter relationships that all ended in heartbreak and me feeling rejected even if it’s me who ended it. Two of my partners/boyfriends were aspies, that’s what lead me to researching and realizing my mother and my brother are too. I work every day on my self, I try hard to overcome my childhood wounds and RSs with aspies. Best part of my life is my son, he is NT and thrive in his life, so I hope I did something right with him :). I am mostly functioning, with job, friends and activities, but I have periods with deep depressions, I am overachiever, expect always more from my self than from anybody else, give too much too fast, give up too easy when I should stick and get credits and bonuses for my achievements... I also fall in love with wrong men over and over again, I am usually not in touch with my feelings and needs before its too late and I am wounding again. I have problems to identify and name my feelings, so it’s also difficult to do the emotional work on my self, but yoga and meditation seams to ground me, and a lot of physical activities for my serotonin levels and depression. If anyone here have NT kids with aspie parent, please give your kids unconditional love, explain ASD to them when they are old enough and teach them that aspie-love is not what love and RSs are about, and if possible limit aspies parent influence and time with NT kids. I know it sounds harsh, but that’s from my experience of growing up with a very high functioning asd mother, who would never ever believe or admit that she was anything but loving and caring mother. I am sorry for my English, it’s not my native (or my second) language :). |
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PhD 11:48 PM Sun 13th Sep, 2020 |
I agree with responses to @tidalstream. However, I’d like to point out that autistic brains are not wired “differently”, which may imply there are different forms of a normal wiring. Autistic brains are not wired in the right way, they are essentially broken. |
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Lily 9:15 PM Sun 13th Sep, 2020 |
To Bianca, please please please run. Your story isn't that off from mine. I've posted here way back. I sometimes miss my Aspie (I work with him) and wish that things could have been different. But it's not different and won't be. My ex was recently divorced and he made it out like his ex was unreasonable and overly critical. But then time showed me who he was and even I couldn't take it. I'm overly nice most of the time and overly understandig (this is something I'm working on in terms of having boundaries) - and yet it did not work with he and I. The feelings of loneliness and neglect create an insidious insecurity and erode even the most confident person's self esteem. Run. Use these testimonials as a reminder that you're seeing the same pattern with Aspie's. My ex once confessed that he didn't even tell his parents he got married. His ex was so upset about it, she called his parent's and told them. Of course she was upset. He mentioned things about her and I thought "whoa she's so insecure" - nope, I'm sorry to say but over time he would say the craziest things to me that I'm ashamed to even admit on an anonymous forum. I thought they were just stupid things that came out from his aspie non-filter. But over time the neglect coupled with memories of the stupid things he'd say made me wonder if he didn't want me. That led to insecurity and nearly losing myself. You said you sometimes don't understand why you put up with or want someone that won't even give 5% ... this is an issue of self worth - but I say this: the self worth is eroded by years of dealing with the aspie BS, it eats away and before you know it your conscious mind has these background negative thoughts about yourself, and then that plays like a quiet white noise endless loop in your conscious mind, it feeds into your subconscious and on some level a person may start to have deep seated fears that they somehow don't deserve better; but your conscious mind masks it as you just loving your aspie to bits. Take back your power and your life. You can create and have an amazing relationship with a normal person. I used to think "ugh omg the chemistry is so amazing, he's so interesting no one else will make me feel this way" NO! that's a lie. There are billions of people on this earth and of COURSE you can have someone that you have chemistry with and love and adore, etc AND treats you properly. You deserve the best Bianca! |
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Idem 3:59 PM Sun 13th Sep, 2020 |
@Tidalstream- <<<>> Aspies brains are wired differently you can't change it. Diagnosis can bring 2 options. She will just ignore it nothing changes ( she will live in denial) or she will try to change things but it will be artificial. She will laugh at you jokes not because she is amused but because she is expected to. She will give you hug not because she has tender feeling towards you but because she is expected...... It will be mask like for robot who learns these behaviours. There is risk that at home when she is tired mask will drop and she will be as before. |
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lorelei 6:58 AM Sun 13th Sep, 2020 |
@tidalstream - a diagnosis can help you understand why you guys don't understand each other, and why you don't really share a sense of humor. It won't create those things out of nothing though, it just partially helps to explain why the situation is like that. You broke up because you weren't happy and because you couldn't fulfil each other's needs. That won't change with a diagnosis. If you feel like you're in a place where you could be friends, without wanting more, then maybe go down that route - ten years is a long time, after all, and I'm sure you have a lot of affection for each other. But you still will have all the same issues as before - and she still won't laugh at your jokes. I'm sorry. I'm sure your jokes are great! It just happens that way sometimes. |
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Roisin 6:51 AM Sun 13th Sep, 2020 |
Posting this as, if I am able to save anyone extra heartache, I would love to do so. Bridgette and Bianca - honestly, please do take everything that you are being told and shown by your AS partner as real and true. In my experience, things will only continue to devolve, and you will likely experience tremendous sadness and self-doubt. My partner and I were older, and I had experienced a twenty eight year marriage that was mostly very rewarding but ended with my spouse's downward alcoholic spiral, which was unfortunate. I did not want children, and am happy with lots of alone time, as I continue to work full time eight hours daily, in a rewarding career, and I have loving, accomplished, grown children and adorable grandchildren. My partner and I could have enjoyed a lovely life together, but this was not possible due to his inability to empathize, compromise, or to love me emotionally or physically the way that an NT parter needs to be loved. He would tell the neighbors and his gym acquaintances all sorts of ridiculous stories about me, but many of them witnessed his behavior towards me first hand, anyway. He withheld, lied, confided in strangers, and spent energy which could have been more productively put towards enriching our relationship towards superficial pursuits. We were once on his boat, with his brother, whom I suspect was also on the spectrum, and I had been tasked with climbing onto the dock and tying the boat on deck. I am petite, with long legs, but had lots of difficulty climbing out of the boat. While the two men stared at me attempting to pull myself onto the dock, offering zero assistance, a man came walking towards me and pulled me onto the landing. His brother commented, "Now there's a gentleman!" Just incredible. I could go on and on and on, but will not. Once my partner had caused me injury, I began to make a stealthy plan to extricate myself from the relationship. This took seven months, and towards the end of this time, I had spent one entire Sunday working out, eating lunch, and generally hiding from him, before needing to return home. I opened the door, and he walked towards me, very clearly aroused. He asked me, "In light of what is going on with us, what should I do with this?" !!! I should have told him what to do in very real language, but instead, needing and wanting to keep the peace, I slept with him. I felt like a whore. This continued until I actually was able to get out. When we had met, my expectations were low - to have a nice, happy friendship, loving sex, and a great companion who would spend quality time with me. No children necessary, as we were older. After six full years together, I was abused physically and emotionally, spending lonely weekends, and fully neglected as a human being. I cannot begin to imagine what the added burden of raising children could do to a relationship like this. I felt that I couldn't trust him to properly take care of our cat. |
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Vicky 6:04 AM Sun 13th Sep, 2020 |
Tidal stream - you already invested 10 years, why are you backpedaling? I will answer whether she will “get you”, she won’t because her brain is different and her emotional development just isn’t there. I spent 21 years trying to get my husband to “get it” and he didn’t and has no idea why we are divorced. If you do falter and go back for more of the same, don’t marry because it is much more difficult to get out. Why not try dating someone without asp or look into your past. Try to find out if anyone with held emotionally to determine if she is bringing up something familiar and that is why you are trying to stay in a relationship with someone that doesn’t get you. Just work on yourself. |
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Bridgette 4:08 AM Sun 13th Sep, 2020 |
Hi, all. I could post everyday with some incident that I endure from my undiagnosed aspie, though I don't, I will today. So he was trying to force hug me, I say force because he knows full well I'm upset with him for how he's been treating me today, some days are worse than others. I told him that if he wants to talk to me about why I'm upset with him then we can talk otherwise I don't want his hugs. I'm sure you all can guess his response. He proceeded to grab his things and walk out of the house. Though he did say one thing before he left. He said he should have put his candy bar in the fridge. Really? I would say lol but I'm far from amused. This is nothing new unfortunately. The insanity of it all. |
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Erin 7:59 PM Sat 12th Sep, 2020 |
I thought Aspies cant lie. Mine never would let me see his phone and was sneaky about it. We broke up in july after 2 years. He coldly turned me off like a light switch. How can they just be so ok and casual as if you meant nothing? Now I see what a dysfunctional, codependent, self-centered relationship it was. Always accommodating his needs. His family wasnt supportive of me and he would go home and lie to them about things I never said or did then later tell me he had alot of damage to undo but it was just too late. I'm so glad I'm out of that selfish childish place. I think he used me but it diesnt matter now. I'm free. Truly. |
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tidalstream 7:55 PM Sat 12th Sep, 2020 |
I've just ended a relationship of 10 years after realising I'd never marry my partner. I loved many things about her but I felt we didn't 'click'. She didn't laugh at my jokes and we didn't laugh together very often. My family didn't like her as she came across as rude and aloof. She had few friends and spent a lot of time alone. A couple of weeks after a very tearful breakup I've discovered she's most probably on the spectrum for high-functioning AS. I'm tempted to get back together and continue our relationship. I fantasise that I could learn more about AS, discuss AS with her, support her, and and we would get married. Would this be a mistake? Will she never 'get me', will we never laugh together? |
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Mouse 1:57 PM Sat 12th Sep, 2020 |
@RK. I live in Denmark. I've read that in some other countries there r non-govermental organisations, that organize 'walk'n talks' and coffee meetups, for NT-spouses, i think thats a great idea, and hope someday, i can somehow be part of that, or make that happen here. There r different non-govermental initiatives, but as David argues, there really should be some official recognition of the reality of living with a person who has diagnosed or undiagnosed ASD. I really find it weird that there is'nt. Normally an important part of good parenting is, to actually be able to see and meet ur childs needs. As its actually a central part of the ASD diagnosis, not being really able to to that, it should be obvious, that its gonna cause some emotional trouble for their children? Making the 'system' aware and taking it seriously is probably a long hard struggle though. Hoping some day, to be able to contribute to this issue, somehow. Its a complicated issue, maybe thats why its difficult to communicate well. An alkoholic not feeding their children, or being psysically abusive, is easier to pass judgement on. A parent who often claims to know whats going on in ur mind, and being completely wrong about it, lifts u up as though u were a toddler, though being way past that age, smiles a big smile while saying offensive hurtful things, and so on, probably just is a little harder to spot...and to most people it probably doesn't seem like a big problem either. Would really like to hear stories from adults who grew up with ASD parents, if anybody here had that experience? Thanx and good luck to everyone! |
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Kim 8:38 AM Sat 12th Sep, 2020 |
I'm not being heartless when I say this. I'm just being honest. People with mental disabilities, personality disorders, etc. such as Aspergers, OCD, schizophrenia, bipolar, borderline, narcissist, etc. in my experience are very stressful people to be around and will cause many problems in your life if you decide to date them, marry them, be friends with them, etc. Like I said, I am not heartless. You can try to accommodate them all you want. They will never appreciate it and somehow you always do the right thing, accommodate them, accept them, etc. and in return you will receive no appreciation and somehow be made out to be the bad person when you've done nothing wrong and often be the person they abuse. Support sites for people with disorders often claim that they are on the ones on the receiving end of abuse from people but they never talk about the absolute hellish abuse and stress their NT spouses, families, friends, etc. of these people go through. I really do feel that these people have very tough disabilities but it's also not fair that people that try to help them and have normal relationships with them are on the receiving end of abuse and just bad behavior in general. I have also noticed an entitlement from these people where they expect everyone just to accept how they are and they think that they're allowed to do whatever they want. Sadly, in my experience some do get better with treatment while others get worse once they are diagnosed because they then use it as an excuse to act however they want. This is the only site I know of where NT people can give their point of view and not be seen as evil people for simply just giving their experiences with AS people but the other disorders are also very tough similar to AS. |
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Laurie 6:37 AM Sat 12th Sep, 2020 |
Watch the old video "Who"s on First?". It displays life exactly with these guys as you will NEVER know who"s on first? Constant chaos and confusion. I wake up every morning from a deep restful sleep in the presence of the Holy Spirit only realize another day of complete and utter nothingness in my marriage. |
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Idem 4:51 AM Sat 12th Sep, 2020 |
@lorelei- sorry I maybe misunderstood you. I think that healthy ,balanced relationship between 2 people is based on some compromise. Unfortunately in Aspie/NT relation only NT partner compromises,compromises.....to the point of loosing their own identity. It is unhealthy and make this person very unhappy. Normal person needs to feel closeness and to give and receive some affection, warmth from partner. Autistic person does not have these needs. The most depressing thing is that they pretend to be loving, warm in the beginning to trick their partners into relationship.. |
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Idem 10:07 PM Fri 11th Sep, 2020 |
@Hope. Thank you for you thoughts. I sometimes thought that somehow they were bitter, jealous that I am normal and I can interact easily with people and they can't. I think that their behaviour was like classic bullying ( without realising it ? Do they. bully on purpose ? ). I am not so weak I can stand to bully but to normal one not autistic and 3 of them? It was too much for me. I also noticed what someone said before that they can switch so quickly.When I raised all these issues with my boss-he could be really nice, pleasant, polite but for short time - but you can see he tries hard to do it...and that click and switch to be unpleasant again. In the end I just gave up. Normal people don't behave like this. >>>I guess it's their way of attempting to feel some superiority and not feel so alone in the world, which I do believe Aspies feel>>> That is what I don't quite understand they are all superior or submissive they are unable to get to equal relation with other people.They are alone but lonely? I don't think so they go to relations with cold attitude looking for practical benefits ( cooking, cleaning,sex). My boss good looking, single for quite long. I mentioned once something about relations, interacting with people and his reply' If I want to interact I go to pub'. And as you said by criticising, lack of complements... Did your ex-boyfriend assumed that it makes you happy and you want to be with him? What sort of sick mind it is. The worst thing is that all this experience affected my confidence I am not sure how long it takes to recover. On positive side- I APPRECIATE my husband now- we have small arguments from time to time but he is so normal, warm, affectionate and caring- I really appreciate it now what I took for granted :-) |
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Too late for me 6:55 PM Fri 11th Sep, 2020 |
Bianca..P.S. In regards to my earlier post to you, if he said he doesn't want to get married or have kids, BELIEVE HIM. If you were to get married, he would emotionally punish you for the rest of your life. And, I'm betting, he would be unfaithful to you if he hasn't been already. He's giving you an "out". Take it! |
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Too late for me 6:24 PM Fri 11th Sep, 2020 |
Bianca...Hi. Stay strong in this! Do not, I repeat, do not back down in your decision. You won't change him. I wish I would have taken the red flags seriously early in the relationship. There is someone else out there for you, but don't go looking for it. It will happen. And, if you're one of those women who has to always have a man, change course! Don't settle. |
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Too late for me 6:08 PM Fri 11th Sep, 2020 |
Shannon...Thank you. I haven't approached my AS husband about this. I'm reading up on it and continue to realize when I've said "there's some sort of disconnect up there", I was right. It's gotten somewhat better since we've both retired but he still tends to hold grudges against family members' on both sides, that he is convinced, have done him wrong. It's a very lonely existence and I have been finding camaraderie elsewhere for many many years. There are so very many instances and situations I look back on now and realize, 'Bingo!' This will require a lot of prayer on my part to determine next steps. I'm grateful to have found this site to help me navigate this bleak realization. However, as bleak as it is, I now can put it into context. Thanks again! (And yes, he has no ability to put himself in someone else's shoes.) xo |
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Winnie 8:19 AM Fri 11th Sep, 2020 |
To Fiona and PhD: Thanks! He's still messaging me and I'm just laughing because it's so pathetic and he's so completely different than he was before (he's suddenly attentive? How does someone change like that? Too suspicious to me). I also am happy to let him have a taste of his own medicine. He should expect four days to get a text returned, that's normal in a relationship, right? I have a date with a younger man on Saturday lol! I Hopefully we like each other. To Amanda - good for you! You deserve better. Keep reading these posts so you know what could be in store for you (that's what I did before breaking up with my Aspie doctor). I had no idea that he had moved out of state anyway, that's the hilarious clincher to the whole story. I'm glad I ended it before he admitted his bizarre behavior (not telling me he moved out of state). I glad I came to terms with it and read everyone else's posts and realized this was silly. A fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me kind of thing. |
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Heinrich 4:57 AM Fri 11th Sep, 2020 |
Question about constructed reality: have you experienced your Aspi to create their own reality? The guy I dated just said he couldn't talk politics with me because I was someone who voted for the Green Party. We had never ever talked about politics. It came out of the blue. And I have never voted the Green Party and never told him that it was the party I voted for. I mean, he didn't say it like "I am sure you vote the Green Party". For him, I actually voted the Green Party. It was his reality. Or he just claimed for weeks that I have a girlfriend. I never had a girlfriend (I am gay, why should I have a girlfriend?!). He just made things up and pretended that it was reality. I just don't get it. |
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PhD 3:12 AM Fri 11th Sep, 2020 |
To Amanda - I am genuinely grateful for your feedback to my post. I believe in you, and I'm very proud of you, because I have been in the same situation, and I know how incredibly difficult it is to make a decision to end your marriage. You have what it takes to leave the airless coffin which your marriage turned out to be. You deserve to be happy and you will be, I know it. Stay woke! :)) |
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Hope 12:44 AM Fri 11th Sep, 2020 |
@Idem......Constant criticism, and rudeness is not at all unusual from those with high-functioning autism. In my experience it's quite common. My ex-boyfriend would tell me he loved me at the end of the day, and meanwhile never gave me a nice compliment after the initial honeymoon phase. He just criticized, criticized, and criticized; he was mind-blind to the concept of nurturing a relationship, and letting the other person know why they are loved/appreciated. He also gas-lit me often and accuse me of having serious issues and deficits, that were really his own insecurities. Once I stepped away from the relationship it became all too apparent, to me, that accusations such as being a terrible communicator, being unable able to make emotional connections to others, and having critically low self esteem that adversely affects my ability to make it in the world, were all seriously his issues that he has been struggling with his entire life. I guess it's their way of attempting to feel some superiority and not feel so alone in the world, which I do believe Aspies feel. Aspies have low self-esteem often, and projecting their own negative qualities on others is a coping mechanism. |
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Tom 12:40 PM Thu 10th Sep, 2020 |
Another day, another argument which arose from his absolute unreasonable and unworkable demands. It's his way 100% of the time and no other, and of course this spoiled man-child had a tantrum when told otherwise. Today's dummy spit was around a home security, and naturally as it was my idea it's completely wrong, and needs to be torn to shreds or slathered up in his neurotic insanity that it's impossible to be workable. Of course if it's his idea, it's perfect, infallible and WILL be done regardless. It's now going to double the price and be largely effective - if he agrees on it at all, and not have yet another meltdown over something insignificant. I'm so tired of everything always being about him and his demands. No comprimise, no support, it's always him, him, him, him ALL the time. And it's getting worse as he's aging. It's like dealing with a spoiled, petulant child that when he's not having a meltdown about his candy stripes being the wrong width or length, he's yapping incessantly about the minutiae of some esoteric nonsense that nobody cares about. I'm at my wits end, and don't know what to do. |
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Shannon 9:41 PM Wed 9th Sep, 2020 |
This is for Too Late For Me: Welcome. Many of us know the shock of a late diagnosis or realization that it's this hidden ogre Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) that's been eating away at the intimate bond of our relationship or marriage for many years. My husband is not officially diagnosed but he did online tests and is without a doubt ASD. I figured this out a year and a half ago when I went to see a therapist, after 29 years of marriage, and am still trying to come to terms with it and what it means for the future. Fortunately my husband acknowledges fully that he is ASD. He feels bad about his behaviours from the past, which he now realizes were not kind and loving, not "right", and that they were driven by autism/aspergers. He now sees his rigidity and judgmental thinking, the narrow interests, the sensory overload issues, the black and white thinking, the inability to read body language and I could go on and on. I'm still here because he tries to adapt his behaviour and we have kids and a nice home and community and I don't want to blow up my life at the moment. However, our romantic bond has been slowly destroyed by his behaviour over the years, by hurts big and small, so our sexual relationship is probably over forever. We are trying to be friends, as I have pointed out we need to be. ASD people really are clueless about emotional support and labour and so I continue to play the role of relationship guide, explaining how we can live together as partners and a family. He's now listening. Others married to volatile ASD spouses in denial of their disorder are not so lucky. Discovery is a long, disorienting process. I feel like I'm in a car in the dark, backing up down the long dirt road of our life together. The only hope for eventual peace is if the ASD person achknowledges they are on the spectrum, and you can work togther as friends to find forgiveness and peace. In all too many cases, as we see here and in other forums, that is not possible. I highly recommend the Delphi forum "AS Partners" for dialogue with other nearotypical spouses (mostly women) who will help you feel supported in your healing process and decisoon making. You are not crazy, not an angry person, not stupid. You are a good, neurotypical person who expected and deserved love from marriage. Good luck to you. xoxo |
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Amanda 7:14 PM Wed 9th Sep, 2020 |
In response to PHD... I have read all postings and have been quietly taking all of you’re experiences on board. For me, this is exactly what I’m scared of you have all been brave enough to leave these people after 20/30 years... I m in my second marriage with my aspie my first marriage was 30 years .. so In theory I should no better and expect more for myself. My man, entices me promise s me and then forgets me again, just how I read with you all. I suppose I feel I’m making it it all up and it’s my doing .. I promised myself to leave him now he s trying again.. I also feel I can’t forget forgive the things as he sees it as doing wrong.. Not saying how beautiful I looked on our wedding day or having to call police wen he went missing.. So I have read all you’re posts and think hell no I can’t go through what u have and I no he ll never change just Try to learn How to behave better for instance not pulling his trousers and underwear down while we are having a conversation at home... or swearing I realise know he can learn behaviour s to please me remembering to greet me and practicing the right things to say... but he’ll never change Thank you to you all for sharing you’re experience s , yes I have woken up and now very realistic of my future if I stay with him . |
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lorelei 7:03 PM Wed 9th Sep, 2020 |
@Idem: I don't mean responsability as in taking care of someone financially. I mean that a part of your happiness is kind of dependent on them. That the way they treat you affects you deeply, and that vanishing and isolating themselves or even treating themselves badly has repercussions on you. |
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Idem 5:25 PM Wed 9th Sep, 2020 |
I found this website accidentally and reading it really helped me!. It has been probably different situation but I can see the same 'side effects' like in relations with Aspies. I was working for 10 months in small IT Company ( I left in July). People in general were ok but my team of 4 people..... I have noticed from the start that something was not right. It took me while to realise that 2 of them were autistic ( including my boss) and remaining one was very odd. Working there was like torture - awful interaction but also they were rude, insensitive putting me down, excluding....it really affected my confidence. I always treat people with respect so it was shocking for me. I don't quite understand it- I am good at work and I have healthy social and interactive skills. I was thinking would it be bitterness that I was just so normal?Just nastiness that they can't fit in Society? |
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Idem 3:32 PM Wed 9th Sep, 2020 |
@Lorelei- I think that you mix 2 different things. Responsibility for someone ( like in marriage /with children) it is completely different matter. Some Aspie men earn good money and keep family in quite comfortable financial situation. The problem is with relations- if they are cold, aloof,condescending,not interested.....this family will not be happy. I have read somewhere article written by NT woman married to Aspie man. She says she is 'happy' as she realises that her interaction with husband will always be limited so she has group of friends, family to compensate it. I partly understand it , she gave up on trying and somehow she accommodated her needs. I don't think everyone want to live like this. |
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lorelei 5:27 AM Wed 9th Sep, 2020 |
I've been thinking about some things lately, that my recent relationship and breakup made me realise. One of them is about responsibility towards fellow humans. I think that really, caring for someone and loving someone is more of an action than a feeling. It's nice to say "True love is a walk on the beach at sunset!" but the reality of the situation is that that is just a sensation - a nice one, but it doesn't really mean anything. Loving someone involves a kind of responsibility - accepting that you are responsible for a part of their happiness and well-being, and trusting them to be responsible for a part of yours. This can go so very wrong in so many ways - some people want you to be responsible for the entirety of their happiness and lay everything on you; some people feel insufficient and say "No, we must all be independent and that means escaping all interpersonal constraints, you must be entirely responsible for your own happiness" which ignores the basic fact that society and relationships are based on us all being beholden to each other in some way, which is *terrifying* but true; some people lie and say you can trust them, and then bail; some people take on all the responsibility for someone else and then feel drained and resentful that they are carrying someone else's weight along with their own, but nobody is helping carry theirs. It is such a difficult thing to find the balance. I think that this is really a big part of where I ran into trouble with my ex. Without compromise and accountability, you can't have this base. I don't know if AS and NT people are really compatible, because it seems to be a common thread running through all these stories - the imbalance of responsibility and the lack of accountability. I don't think it's so much anyone being wilfully ill-intentioned (of course, in some of these stories it is, but I don't think it's a baseline) as just a basic difference, and I don't think it can be resolved. If someone isn't capable of taking on this responsibility, be they AS or NT, lowering the bar isn't the solution. |
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Too Late For Me 1:15 AM Wed 9th Sep, 2020 |
Oh my goodness. Just realized yesterday that Aspergers is what I've been dealing with for 36 years. Husband probably fits 80% of the characteristics. Many reasons for not leaving the relationship. I need to read these posts in more depth and process this. I'm overwhelmed now. Always thought it was narcissist disorder or borderline personality disorder. The one characteristic that distinguished that it was aspergers was the 'not getting the joke'. Add to that ZERO EMPATHY and no forgiveness to others. If you aren't married to yours, and its safe to do so, GET OUT NOW! You'll regret it if you don't. And beware, they're master manipulators. |
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Fiona 12:24 AM Wed 9th Sep, 2020 |
I just wanted to tell Winnie: I think that it's so great that you resisted your Aspie ex-boyfriend's attempt at "hoovering" and didn't let yourself be sucked back in. It takes a lot of strength to do that, but you handled it gracefully and in a very cool way! You go, Winnie! :) |
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PhD 3:27 PM Tue 8th Sep, 2020 |
@Winnie - LOL!! They just never seize to amaze me! 🤦♀️ Good riddance! |
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Winnie 9:03 AM Tue 8th Sep, 2020 |
Hilarious Follow-up: So I broke up with the Aspie doctor by text on Saturday since it took over four days for him to return a text which left me hanging about the previous weekend plans (actually two weekends ago). Thought I'd never hear back from him but lo and behold he texted to say, "I'm sorry I've been really distant lately, the truth is I moved out of state. I knew I would have to rotate here eventually , just didn't know how to tell you so I pushed you away." Then he went on and on about how I am so great for him and met all of his needs, etc. He did apologize for his behavior. Said he would be moving back to my state at the end of October and said that he wanted to rekindle our relationship since we have "lots of potential." I responded that it may have been great for him but there was a lot lacking on my end and I have no tolerance at all for bullshit (what to me is drama and games). He said he knew we had a good thing going and that there wouldn't be any more games. I texted him to say I wasn't interested. :) |
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Vicky 5:44 AM Tue 8th Sep, 2020 |
Daphne - I was married to a man exactly as you described your husband to be, I am so emotionally drained from that experience because he would not engage when confronted and I had to resolve all issues on my own. He never helped around the house and became more distant and absent as the years went on. It would be similar to being “ghosted” but in real life and not by phone & when trying to resolve or end it, he didn’t engage during those times either. I am a shell of my former self, if I knew then what I know now, I would have never married him and would have stayed dating so when I wouldn’t receive a call or text or any effort to make plans I could have faded out of the relationship so much sooner and easier. I was so very much in love but didn’t know anything about Asperger so all I can recommend is to research it and get both of you into therapy now so maybe you can learn how to communicate and it help sustain the relationship. My ex was so inflexible in the end I actually grieved the end of the relationship as if he had died because I can’t even be around him now. |
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Sarah 3:21 AM Tue 8th Sep, 2020 |
This is for Daphne. I have spent 4 years with an Asperger man and the first two were the best we will have. During those years, I was his primary interest / obsession and he was focused on the relationship. Over time, as he became more comfortable in the relationship, his other obsessions and interests began to pick back up like they were for 10 years prior to him meeting me (wherein he had no normal life outside of video games and internet obsessions and transexual pornography.) He started being agitated by my desire to have a relationship with him, he set time limits (routines) in which he only wanted to donate one hour to our relationship per day. Sex became less and less important, he said he didn’t feel he needs it in his life. He went back to the routine of being checked out of everything and having no idea what’s going on with me or my feelings. It’s his natural state: to be focused on his own world of interests. Anything else causes stress and anxiety. He can only handle it from his job and any expectations from me or for the relationship are a burden. Fights started and the relationship became a glimmer of what it was; I essentially completely lost what I knew of him the first two years because in many ways that person was just a facade. The worst part is caring for someone so much and them not thinking of you at all when you are supposedly in an adult relationship. We are both 40. His first marriage of 10 years ended because he was not engaged in the relationship with his wife and only met people online for relationship. He eventually cheated on her by meeting some of those people. I met him and he said he regretted it and would never do that kind of thing again but the way he completely stopped engaging with me after the 2.5 year mark, I think the same thing would have happened if I had not left him first, overall , I went from being very happy with him to being extremely alone and miserable because the partner I was doing things for was void. I recommend against marrying an aspie. It was very hard for me to leave him but he is living with his parents now and I believe that is what is best for him. We both met at 36 and are 40 now. Save yourself the years of wasted energy and pain |
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RK 10:11 PM Mon 7th Sep, 2020 |
@Mouse...Oh, just another thing to add to my post prior to this one concurring with you about the "superiority" stuff. Hey, I felt the same way toward my father-in-way that you felt toward your boyfriend---I despised him at times for that behavior of his. That is why when I found out my son had Aspergers I fought so hard to work with him and get him the help he needed so he would NOT TURN OUT LIKE MY FATHER-IN-LAW. Yeah, and you know what(?) even my son with Aspergers did not care for his grandpa either later in life. Oh, and as for your English you express yourself very well. |
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Idem 10:10 PM Mon 7th Sep, 2020 |
@curious- I am not sure if there were any studies done about Aspie parents and how they bring up children but I am probably one of these examples. My dad is no doubt autistic ( never diagnosed) my mum was NT. My mum was very warm and emphatic person. My relation with my dad has been non-existent. I don't remember him ever give me snuggle, ask how I am doing.....zero interest. He was also cold towards my mum.He was always mean with money, selfish, obsessed with his hobbies. They were always shouting and arguing. I was the only child and looking back I think my mum gave me all love, tenderness - we were very close. I guess that is how she was coping with all situation. I am probably bit broken by this upbringing. I am just thinking if both parents are Aspies and children too- this is probably ok- All live in this weird, cold , robotic atmosphere. The worst option is where parents are both Autistic but child is NT- this must be awful and dysfunctional upbringing. |
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RK 9:13 PM Mon 7th Sep, 2020 |
@Hi Mouse... Just happened to drop by the site this morning and saw your post.Yeah, as you mentioned about that superiority business, as I told you in my previous post days ago my father-in-law as "very" much that way. Outsiders would notice and comment on it, like my hairdresser calling him, "arrogant". His wife threw up her arms in frustration one time in my presence (he was not around, though) and called him "mighty man". My husband admitted his father did not have social finesse either so he was not "aware" of how he was coming across to those around him. I wonder just how much of that was due to a somewhat narcissistic type personality too. As I mentioned in a previous text too I finally went "no contact" for some time after my father-in-law maligned me behind my back in my child's presence. My husband even went "no contact' with his own father for a year as well after his father "blew-up" at my husband during a phone conversation and "slammed down the phone receiver" cutting off the phone call. My father-in-law's daughter, who had been his caretaker in the years before his death admitted when her father finally did pass away she could get a decent night's sleep finally because she did not have all the stress from dealing with his difficult personality. Yes, sometimes the best remedy with a very toxic personality type is just cutting yourself off from them and going no contact, if possible. Correct me if I am wrong I thought you mentioned something about being from a different country in your last test. If so, do you mind my asking where you are from? I happen to be in the U.S. and live in the state of Michigan. |
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Aussie 8:34 PM Mon 7th Sep, 2020 |
Daphne....I strongly urge you to go on the website and blog of Carol Grigg Counselling.She is an Australian lady...a Christian...who was married for 20 years to a man who was only diagnosed as having Aspergers a few years before their marriage ended. She was awarded an Order of Australia for her work in supporting partners of Aspies. Read all her blog comments. Perhaps consider consulting her by phone. |
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Bianca 9:46 AM Mon 7th Sep, 2020 |
I have been broken up with my aspie fiancé for 5 months (he ended it because he realised he didn’t actually want to get married/have kids) and it was all very much out of the blur and I had NO warning and he “couldn’t be himself” eg his true aspie self couldn’t come out even though I wasn’t telling him how to be!! We have continued speaking and seeing each other for the last 5 months as he says you never know what could happen in the future but I’ve come to the point in my life where I either need to continue trying with him or just walk away. I see everyone’s posts with how their life has turned out and I can see his traits REALLY coming out since we broke up. Before we broke up you couldn’t tell he was an aspie but now that he “doesn’t have to try” the communication is non existent, no emotional factors even though he says he loves me etc ... it’s like I know that it’s not a smart idea to keep trying Because if we did get back together in 5 years time Etc I could be depressed, lonely, wanting out of the relationship but how I’m feeling now it’s like ahhh why can’t I let go of someone who cannot give me even 5% effort to lead us on the right path again? It is so frustrating!!! |
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Susan 2:10 AM Mon 7th Sep, 2020 |
After finishing treatments for aggressive breast cancer in 2015, I sat down with my Dad (who I'm sure had aspbergers) and wanted to share some of my concerns. I told him, "My doctor said my tumor was aggressive." He immediately said, "You think yours was aggressive? My doctor told me to get to the hospital that very day when he looked at my finger." He was referring to a bacterial infection which was serious and resulted in an amputated finger. He said nothing of my condition, and I just breathed a deep sigh, and realized I am a survivor, not just of cancer, but of a Dad who could never offer any empathy. I loved him, and helped care for him before he passed away. He would thank me by handing me money, which I did not want. I tried to explain I was caring for him out of love, but he just did not seem to understand the concept. Aspbergers is such a sad thing, and I know they can't help it, but the damage is real. I have scars on my heart to prove it. |
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Daphne 10:27 PM Sun 6th Sep, 2020 |
I have been in a 2 relationship with a guy that seems to exhibit Aspergers traits. He is though a polite, thoughtful, sweet and gentle guy. All his friends love him. He is a passive person who struggles with communication (but has improved), understanding warmth, affection and showing emotion. He does have some really odd behaviours and obsessions and can sometimes seem impersonal or distant at times. His kindness and gentleness is what draws me to him.... I am about to make a decision on whether to get married. Just a part of me is not really knowledgeable with Aspergers so not sure if it is a wise decision and will there be surprises or what to expect after marriage (Because of Religous beliefs I cannot live with him before marriage)..... Does anyone have experience with marriage to a quiet passive Aspergers persons? Are they capable of being truly in love? After marriage are they a different person? Do all Apspergers people have mental breakdowns? Do their obsessions get worse? Does emotional distance get worse? What other things are there to expect living with them or with family life?...Thank you for any insights and thoughts |
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Elodie 6:32 PM Sun 6th Sep, 2020 |
This is for Amanda. Please read the other testimonials to see what the future will hold. Things really are very unlikely to improve from the point you are at now so the only question to ask yourself is whether you're happy with that level of contact for the rest of your life? It is soul destroying to have to continue reminding your partner of your need for affection and hugs and is really no life at all. |
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Mouse 4:17 PM Sun 6th Sep, 2020 |
To RK (and everybody else reading). Ur spot on. The guy with ASD I have been close to, and still have to deal with from time to time, is the 'superior feeling' 'I know everything better than you' type. He would beat me in every board game we ever played, though i'm actually not completely stupid either. Have gotten good grades, enjoy math and so on...So therefore, i'm really relieved to learn, not all people with ASD r like that. That some r actually able to take some advice, and do some of the work in the relationship to. I read somewhere on this site, that the very intelligent superior feeling type, can send u straight to the looney bin. I'n my experience, there's a real chance of that happening. I was stubborn and lucky enough though, to be able to slowly climb my way out of it again, and though my life is far from perfect, i feel very content and happy, that i regained my sanity. Anyhow, i have given up any real and honest communication with the aspie i know, but feel more hopefull knowing that, at least in some cases, its possible. Probably not easy, but at least possible. People with ASD r probably truly different, and we cant expect them to be something else. If we r lucky, we can avoid dealing with them, if we can't handle it. And if thats not possible, we have to accept what we can, an cannot expect from them. For whatever reason that is, neurological reasons, or personality. Saying this is probably easier for me now though, as i'm not dealing with him on a daily basis. For years i just hated him. For David: Word! For Curious: I think Sweden might have some knowledge about the problem in their social system, will post it if i manage to find it. And 500; yes, people with ASD, who wen't to therapy r in my experience really good at 'selfcare', but they sometimes 'forget' to leave space for their partners to do self care to. U might argue that getting time and space to do selfcare, is an individuals own responsibility, but when in a relationsship, with shared reasponsibilities, like childcare, that's not always the case. U might have trouble handling more than one rule in ur mind at the same time, and as long as u don't recognize that issue, as a real problem, u probably won't see it. In a reciprocal relationsship, spending time together could be a form of 'selfcare'...If u r not capable of that, then taking care of ur partner, is paying some attention to ur partners time and opportunity to do 'selfcare'. And yes, my emotional needs matter to me...not doubt in my mind about that. Try to google Tony Attwood on 'Aspie arrogance'.. he has some constructive statements about that. But, as this is an important site for 'us' to vent, and get validated(!), we need to be able to just do that. U don't have to read it. There r lots of other sites u can go to. U can even get, at least some, help in the healthcare system. U might be a 'minority', but ur 'condition' is officially recognized. Apologies for language mistakes, english is not my native language! Good luck to everyone! |
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Sarah 1:47 PM Sun 6th Sep, 2020 |
Hello, I am an female adult with Asperger's and read some of the comments. Some of the descriptions about the spectrum partners are NOT NOT NOT spectrum traits, they are NOT disability itself. They are abuse traits. If you are spectrum and can't be in a healthy relationship because it makes you tired, because it makes you work on yourself as a person too much, than you have the responsibility to own it and end it with the other person. Some spectrum people can be in a healthy relationship but others can't, either way own it. The reason not all spectrum people are the same, is you only need to meet 50% of criteria to be diagnosed. Some people are left brain dominant (spectrum stereotype) but some are right brain dominant (right brain dominant are less likely to be diagnosed correctly but do exist). Some of the differences that have been mentioned are disability + comorbid medical condition = a different result to just disability itself. Being spectrum means you are more likely to have additional medical conditions and more likely to have psyche issues. No not all spectrum people could have a relationship with another spectrum person, just like if you help people will one disability type you directly harm people of a different disability type, disability types can clash under certain circumstances. Understanding and diagnosis of spectrum is less now that DSM 5 is active. Those that meet criteria for disability for PDD-NOS and Asperger's Syndrome, won't meet criteria for disability under DSM 5 especially women. Spectrum people are cut off from diagnosis and therefore funding for supports. This cuts the NT off from support and acknowledgement that they support a disabled person. There are two common problems in literature that I found consistently way before DSM 5. Problem One psychiatrist writing about the spectrum. Often they write about the spectrum looking from the outside in. Imagining what is happening with the spectrum because they are an NT observing the spectrum but misunderstanding certain things. Like a child observing the bugs they caught in a jar and getting some guesses right while getting other things wrong. Part of the problem is they get so caught up in the mental illness thinking they forget foundationally a spectrum person is neurodivergant and give mental illness advice when they should be maximize the spectrum person brain potential. Problem Two, a spectrum person wrote a book and people then think what they say is the spectrum. The problem with this is they are usually moderate functioning and have limited understanding. So what they say doesn't apply to other functioning levels. What they say applies to their life. Applies to their limited understanding. Some of it is misinformation because they lacked the cognitive abilities to understand any difference and the life experiences to understand different. Comorbids may apply to this person distorting what is and what isn't spectrum further. Sometimes an NT parent of a spectrum person writes a book about curing their child of the spectrum by changing their diet. This is another form of bulls*#@. Basically, changing the diet of the child showed some behavioral difference and now they are claiming a fairy godmother cured their child of disability. When parts of the brain in a spectrum person remains child like (because the spectrum is a developmental disability that must show itself from childhood) and other parts are missing wiring, changing the diet is not going to regrow the brain, it just treats a symptom of a comorbid diet issue. People at the high end tend to be more self aware and the lower functioning tend to not understand their own head, let alone anyone else. People with autism are more likely to have cognitive issues and intellectual disability. I complained from 4 years old that I was different and something was wrong. The psyche system can't see the difference between disability and psyche if it smacked them on the head, even when an expert tells them, it's still too hard. I didn't get a correct diagnosis until my 20's. Some of us do try to find out what is wrong, so we can work on our flaws and be a better person. Some of you are suffering from The Cassandra Effect, which is unfair on the NT and doesn't allow the spectrum adult to grow the f#*K up. Do not enable a spectrum person, if they can deal, it just turns them into a dependent. Everyone has limits on their capabilities, if a person is really on the spectrum you could see this on a MRI because the brain is different. Their real day to day limits is what their brain can grow to. Behaviour limit is a choice you can choose to change your behaviour. If a person says they have some traits but they are not on the spectrum, this means they are not a disabled person but a person who spends too much time on Dr. Google. The people who have suffered have a right to complain about their suffering and the neurodivergant need to accept that. I hope this post helps those of you that needed to know the why, behind what you experienced. Not all spectrum people are selfish, not all spectrum people are abusive, not all spectrum are struggling with Theory of mind that they are still not self aware, not all spectrum people are unemployed (but the majority are at any given time). Disability is never a good enough excuse for abuse (statistically spectrum people are more likely to experience a crime as a victim than to commit a crime. when those on the spectrum do commit a crime it is more often a behavioral problem or co morbid like intellectual disability or psyche issue that causes it not the spectrum itself. There are a few cases where it is pure the spectrum in an undiagnosed person.) I am sorry that some of you have meet people, who are trying to buff you and others that abusive behaviour is acceptable because they are spectrum. |
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Winnie 10:29 AM Sun 6th Sep, 2020 |
I turned on my dating profile again on the site where I met the ASPIE doctor. I was looking at all the questions they ask and then I realized that the he lied about a lot of the questions. He answered the way he thought he should answer, not the truth. It was part of "the mask." He claimed he was very concerned about his partner being satisfied sexually (a complete lie, for one, I don't even think he knew about the concept of foreplay and two, he never asked if I had an orgasm or anything, because he did, I guess so that was all that mattered.) He said people should check in by text once per day. Lie. It took four days to get an answer to a basic question. He said he always cleaned up after himself (in reality he was like a tornado). There were questions about grooming and honestly, he didn't even remember to cut his toenails and I called him out on it. He jumped up, mortified and ran in the bathroom and cut them. Pretty weird that he had 3 inch toenails for a podiatrist. Couldn't also remember to floss his teeth. Said he couldn't remember to buy floss so I bought him some, lol, because i was grossed out. He would go to bed without brushing his teeth even, which really wigged me out. On the website, said he brushed twice a day. Lie. He posted pictures on the website that were 10 years old, I know because I found his old profile on Facebook and they were the same photos and dated on there. Also lied about whether or not he had been teased as a kid (this was a question on the site.) He admitted it to me later but forgot how he answered on the site. There was this time he claimed he was at work but really he had driven past my place and gone hiking alone. Then he forgot and was later bragging about having hiked the peak in so little time and I was like, "when did you climb that pass?" (Because he's only been in town for two months and I knew him for most of that time). He owned up that he had lied and the trip was spur of the moment. I would have liked to have gone. I didn't go anywhere this summer due to coronavirus and I'm a teacher and that was my very last weekend before I went back to school. I don't go hiking the mountains alone because I'm afraid of being jumped. I was really hurt by that, not being invited. All these lies point to manipulation. He wanted what he wanted out of me and nothing more. I was just a pawn. On some level I'm lucky he told me he had Asperger's three weeks in, but on another level I would have just started thinking he was rude/weird/narcissistic so it's not like he could have gotten away with it. Not returning a text about the weekend plans until two days after the weekend ended was truly the last straw. The hell with that. Not at all what he wrote in his profile... |
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PhD 9:07 AM Sun 6th Sep, 2020 |
@Amanda - I'm genuinely wondering if you ever read what other people post here... because you either don't read or you are not registering.. wake tf up Amanda! There are people here that find strength to leave after 30 years of being married to these aspie robots, and you like " what is my life gonna be like?" READ other people testimonials and get a clue. Or not. Your life. |
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Curious 7:41 AM Sun 6th Sep, 2020 |
Are there any studies done on parents with AS and how the disorder effects how their offspring turns out? People with AS hate touch, are not nurturing, have mood swings, not social and have no regard for anyone else's feelings or problems, have no emotional connection to other people, lack patience for even minor problems (so something as minor as spilling milk can result in a full meltdown I'm sure), lack empathy, etc. How can someone turn out normal and mentally healthy when raised by people with these types of characteristics? When you are developing and growing up you require all of the characteristics that AS completely lack. I am curious how an adult who spent their entire formative years being raised by parents with AS would turn out and how it affects their brain. I can just imagine a poor kid having parents that don't care about their problems, refuse to give them hugs or display any warmth, won't do anything fun with them because of sensory problems, don't talk to them or empathize with them, flip out on them over minor problems like spilling milk, etc. I wonder how many "helicopter parents" who even treat their college aged offspring like little kids have AS or some other mental disorder. |
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Susan 2:35 AM Sun 6th Sep, 2020 |
I would like to thank every fellow NT on this website for sharing their relationship experiences. This is the only support group that really knows what I am going through. I have been emotionally abused just like the rest of you, and for almost 29 years now. The only reason I stay in our marriage is because I never wanted by husband to have partial custody of our children. Knowing him, he'd forget to keep track of them or yell at them out of frustration. I refused to have them think that there was something wrong with them. I made it clear that their daddy was the one with the problem. Now that they are grown and ready to move out of the house, I have no reason to stay with this man. I have a neurological degenerative disease and under no circumstances will I allow this man to live alone with me when someday I will end up in a wheelchair. I can't think of a worse person to be in charge of my daily care. I have been on antidepressants and antianxiety medication for over 20 years just to be able to survive each day with this man. I know that in ending the marriage I will have to somehow find health care without the ability to work, but that is really my only concern at this point. Even my kids know I gotta let go of this guy. I pray that God understands my decision and I'll pray for all of you in this same situation. |
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Gracefulsilver 12:15 AM Sun 6th Sep, 2020 |
I am in the process of ending an over 2 year relationship with a 46 year old man I believe has Aspergers. I am 44 years old and exhausted mentally and physically. My children are unable to deal with his abnormal behavior. He has absolutely no friends that are not mentally disabled in some form. Unfortunately I now suspect that his mother(in her 60's) is an Aspie too! She acts the same way and tells him that he is normal and needs to be taken care of and that his behavior is normal. He was raised by his mother and an alcoholic step-father that did not work. I now know he was placed in special education for being "slow" while in school. He has 2 children from 2 different women (he never married either) that refuse to acknowledge or respect him. The first child was with a woman that was looking to be taken care of and do nothing. The second child was with a mildly mentally disabled woman. The older child is now a drug addict and refuses all contact with him. His 2nd child has just turned 16 and ran away when she was 15. She only ever talks to him if she wants money and he gives her hundreds of dollars each time. I have always suspected her of being mentally disabled in some form. You can imagine my surprise when all this information came out slowly over the course of 2 years. I have been trying to end it with him for awhile now but keep getting sucked back in by how helpless he is without me. He is completely pathetic and unable to even handle a phone call for a doctors appointment by himself. He does live alone and hold down a full time job for over 7 years (menial labor that he struggles with). Over the course of these 2 years I have developed numerous health issues that I need major support with. I was in the hospital twice for life threatening illnesses that almost killed me. After the 2nd time I developed uncontrollable diabetes, asthma, and a tumor in my stomach. I remained on a walker for 6 months after my release from the hospital the last time and still use a cane on occasion. My daughter developed a gallbladder condition that almost killed her and is currently undergoing treatment to resolve it. I have had numerous surgeries on my back and now suffer from neuropathy. I am also entering menopause at this time. He has been either MIA or demanding my attention to his problems with his meddling baby momma during this whole time. We entered couples counseling and he has been medicated during these 2 years. I also got a service dog that helps me emotionally and physically. We do not live in the same home and he is unwilling to make a commitment to marriage. I now feel that I would be better without him but feel totally incapable of getting rid of him. I had to get a video doorbell to prevent his daughter from stalking me. She has major "mini wife syndrome" and tried to have me arrested on false charges. He is incapable of having a conversation to resolve this and is now refusing ANY treatment. He walked out on me when i asked him to work on this together to fix it and now insists it was me that chose this. I'm tired and just want peace but now know that even though I love him I cannot be with him due to being anable to get what I need emotionally from him. |
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Winnie 8:08 PM Sat 5th Sep, 2020 |
To Alexis, Why would you want a boyfriend who isn't capable of taking you in his arms and kissing you passionately? You don't want to date a fourth-grader who needs his teacher's aide to hold his hand. That's bullshit. Find a better boyfriend, this guy is incapable. So I broke up with the 5 week relationship Aspi (by text, because he won't answer the phone and he is currently working at a hospital hours away...at least I think he is because he doesn't answer texts and leaves me in the dark. So fuck him). Anyhow, I tried to be nice but this is what I wrote, " So i really enjoyed being with you but I decided I can't have a relationship with a guy who takes four days to return a simple text and never follows up to see how I fared with the UTI last week (side note: that he probably gave me and was the most painful one I ever had in my life). I know you would say you're just so busy but because I know you work out for hours a day and have to get in so many steps, I know you had five minutes to let me know what was going on last weekend but you didn't bother. A lack of consideration is how it feels to me. I suppose you'll never be able to understand because it's part of your Asperger's but I'm just not willing to deal with what comes across as a very extreme form of narcissism. I know I could never have the emotional closeness I want with you, you're just not capable of it...you're off climbing Loveland pass without even informing me of "when you get off work" (side note: he lied, he didn't work that day)so I'm sitting there waiting for nothing. I'm done with waiting, sorry. Id' rather be single than have an SO treat me like that." So it feels REALLY good to be done with this bullshit. He was a nice guy but that only goes so far. If returning a text is that hard, then how is a person able to be a doctor? There is definitely some level of choice involved here, and he chose not to return my texts. I know he'd return a text from the hospital, after all. So I'm done. Also, if ASPIs are so great and people flip out about how NTs are just bashing them on this site, well how about the ASPIs just date each other and not traumatize us? They should have their own dating site. Oh, a NT would have to set it up I guess but they could do the coding and stuff once it was up and going. LOL. |
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Amanda 2:38 PM Sat 5th Sep, 2020 |
My best friend doesn’t understand why I’ve not left my aspie husband. He’s suddenly gone off any physical intimacy ... I’m so struggling we hold hands we have a hug morning and night, I’ve just got nothing else to give feeling like I’m giving up He says I shouldn’t think about our future But we have only being married a year What’s the rest of my life going to be like ? |
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Darcey 12:45 PM Sat 5th Sep, 2020 |
To David on July 28th (I think thats the date of your post). I sometimes scroll down rapidly and then suddenly stop and that’s where I start to read. I miss several months in between sometimes. I landed on your post for this day and it was exactly what I needed to hear today. I think it’s no accident that it was there that I stopped. I just want to thank you for your ability to write, convey and communicate the things many of us are feeling or need to hear in such an eloquent and readable way. I usually stop and read your post because they are full of insight and advice that is well, almost like having our own psychiatrist :-). Thank you for your insight and ability to help us by sharing and knowing we actually all do share some common themes and why we ended up with ASPI type people in the first place. Thanks. |
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Exhausted 6:25 AM Sat 5th Sep, 2020 |
I was just reading these testimonials again, as I so desperately need the reminders: I am not crazy. I am not unreasonable or a jerk for wanting to talk over an issue and understand one another's points of view. I have a right to feel exhausted, since all of the labor of this relationship, including household management, our social life, dealing with people, all of it, falls on me. Thank you all for sharing here. I don't have a support system, and reading all of your thoughts has become a way to support myself. I come back to reality reading your testimonials. They make it painstakingly clear that we are not the problem in our relationships. I have done absolutely everything I can, yet it is never, and will never, be enough. |
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Alexis 11:20 PM Fri 4th Sep, 2020 |
I have been in a 3 year relationship with a quiet guy. As a person he is very kind and gentle. In a relationship it has been very different and unusual. At the start it was a struggle to get alone time with him. He would only invite me to join group events even after 1 year we had only had 3 alone dates that i repeatedly asked for. I asked him why and he said he didnt know he had to spend alone time in the relationship which I found unusual. Initiation of hand holding and affection such as cuddling didn't happen. He didnt understand why it was needed in a relationship. I had to explain why it was important and ask him to do it. I tried to cuddle him but he didnt reciprocate but sat there stiff and unemotional. It made me feel he wasnt interested. I asked him why and he said he didnt know he said his mind was .Sometimes when i touch him he flinches as a reaction as if he is scared. Sometimes when we are together he can walk around as if I am not there and appears to be in his own world which was very cold and impersonal. He has obsessions with certain people and keeps taking their photos until I tell him to stop. The relationship has improved in that dates are regular now and he has warmed up but i never feel close to him, there seems to be a quietness, coldness and unemotional feel like an invisible barrier to this relationship at times. He has good attributes such as loyalty, generosity and gentleness. I am not sure if this is because he doesnt have much experience with girls or has undiagnosed Aspergers. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks |
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relative_abalone 7:48 PM Fri 4th Sep, 2020 |
Exhausted NT spouse here. I fully realize the majority of my emotional support needs to come from elsewhere. Thankfully, about to have a visit with my NT family. They are all on the opposite coast, so...it's not easy to see them all the time for support, but I am grateful. Planning to live in a separate state from my husband. I'm committed to the marriage, but I'd rather be around my family full time & go to visit him, than vice verse. He will fully enjoy all his alone time. |
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Darcey 6:13 PM Fri 4th Sep, 2020 |
To SOS, you cannot try and make a deal with yourself and rationalize the way this guy speaks to you. He’s using you for sex. He only sees you every couple of weeks and he talks to you in that degrading way that denotes you hold no value for him , even threatening violence because you deserve it? Do not justify, rationalize or use your heart as an excuse to stay in this relationship. I highly doubt, even though you don’t wanna hear it, that it’s love. For either of you. It’s something else and you have to look deep within yourself and understand what it is you’re hanging onto. Perhaps wanting to be saved or rescued, fantasizing about how you think it could be with such a man. He has a personality and it will not change nor will it go away. If he’s speaking to you like this when you hardly see each other it’s a barometer for him to know that if you were actually together he could all out anuse you you and you would take it. |
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Bev 6:09 PM Fri 4th Sep, 2020 |
@500 "If your emotions and needs matter so much to you" uhh duh? Do they not matter to you? |
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Darcey 5:52 PM Fri 4th Sep, 2020 |
@ 500. I don’t usually reply on here because I come here to read testimonials to save myself on the days that are so extremely difficult. This website is very important to many people. Let me dissect your paragraph however. 500 says “ if your emotions and needs matter so much then why don’t you....” this is 100% an ASPI statement you see, I can tell by that statement, it’s ridiculous to you that a partner has emotions and needs that matter at all. An ASPI does not have any comprehension that the other person has any emotional need. And, is actually inconvenienced and irritated by the notion. Also 500 writes, “if you’re partner abuses you for speaking up then you know they’re not ready“. Excuse me 500.....since when does the ASPI partner need to be ready to meet the needs of the NT partner? As if these things are planned. And...if not ready the Aspi has the right to abuse the NT partner? This is also a 100% ASPI view. Which tells me you know that youre abusive. And you dont care. You also say “I get the impression you’re all expecting to be taken care of”. You may not need another person except for caretaking of logistica things that you cant be bothered with bc you don’t have any or few emotional needs. Aspi are mostly self-contained and time is spent, head down, on meeting their own their needs. I believe this is why the needs of an NT are so extremely stressful for them. You don’t have any understanding of the give-and-take or the reciprocity that brings joy, trust, love and well being to a relationship where people understand they can count on one another. Aspi simply don’t grasp this so I suggest you find another website to defend yourself on. Because you will not convince anyone that has been through the hell of living with an Aspi on this website, that there’s anything about your point of view that is correct.... unless you’re willing to accept responsibility and say you appreciate the insight of the NT experience at the hands of ASPI. What youre reading here is what life is like with an Aspi. Dont like it? Go away or start realizing what youre dishing out to other humans. |
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Winnie 7:57 AM Fri 4th Sep, 2020 |
Also to 500...obviously you're an ASPIE yourself...because you can't even empathize with how other people's emotions and needs matter to them, you're obviously not believing they do. LOL! And as far as talking to them, they're only ready if they are interested. Since it's not about them, they're not (ahem, you) are not interested. This isn't about Daddy, this is about them being babies. They need mommy and they seek us out...they set us up. I feel set up for sure but I'm hip to all this so no way in HELL would I put up with bullshit for longer than I did (5 weeks). Would have been sooner if he had told me sooner. And yeah you lot are good at self-care because you only care about yourself LOL! Why don't you guys figure out how to not be leeches? What we need to learn is to blow ASpies off. |
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Winnie 7:28 AM Fri 4th Sep, 2020 |
To SOS: Any man that would say that anything I had to say was as a result of my period would be GONE! How on earth could you allow that, no matter what the diagnosis. What an ASS. My 5 week relationship would have been over a lot sooner if he had something like that to me. And to 500: are you kidding? Aspies can't communicate like normal human beings. They will talk to you for as long as the conversation holds their interest. If you tell them something about your life, something that was profound, they will get on their phone while you're talking and respond with something like, "my credit score went up." This happened to me. I was cooking so I didn't realize he was even on his phone while I was talking but to respond to what I was telling him with that was shocking. I just stood there with my mouth hanging open. This was before he told me he had Asperger's and I was making excuses him because he is a first year resident surgeon. The thing is, once he told me, I totally understood what the deal was. And the thing is, I used to work in a mental facility and there was a woman there with Asperger's and all of a sudden I realized, he was exactly like her. So I have no intention of staying with him. I'm just not going to respond to him for four days lol. I'm getting him back for not responding to me for that long. Then I'm going to lay it out that I have no intention of having a relationship where I am "unknown." Life's too short to be a drudge, because that's all I'd be. I'm not special. I have this idea that he took one look at me and said, "you'll do." To Aspies suck: You hit the nail on the head. They are a type of alien that will suck the life out of you. |
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Heinrich 6:32 AM Fri 4th Sep, 2020 |
@500 Because the Aspie I dated wasn’t able to talk. This way the tiniest things, that normally wouldn’t be seen as a problem at all, would become non solvable obstacles. I even said to him once, let us just talk things through. His response: „I am not able to discuss things.“ Differing opinions was nothing he liked ... for instance, he wouldn’t talk to anyone who didn’t share his political opinion. And I am not the only one having these struggles. A lot of NT‘s who dated Aspies say the same. Nothing will ever be discussed at all. No compromise. All will be viewed as a personal attack. |
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Laurie 4:37 AM Fri 4th Sep, 2020 |
My husband bitches so much that I can't get in any complaining. He covers all of the bases. Never get a chance to be the proverbial nagging wife. Or display any frustration. I went grey rock years ago and no one in family noticed or ever will! He has ulcerative colitis. My main concern in leaving this rural area is if I can function out in the real world again. Not from his area. Can't explain the pain and meaninglessness of my life. Counselor to me people see me as a rich farm wife and no one cares.y |
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Laurie 3:47 AM Fri 4th Sep, 2020 |
I have been "married" for 15 years and recently went to a counselor wondering how I could fix my marriage. Within 15 minutes she knew the issue. She believes my husband has HFA. I am still greiving over the truth. I went silent 12-13 years ago and no one noticed! Not even his parents or himself asked are you okay? I am unknown and truly the family slave. We live on a ranch so he has stolen $1.5 million dollars from me building his empire. He is workaholic and alcoholic and lives to gamble. He is also deaf. I was a home ec teacher and home economics is all about quality of life. However I have no quality of life with this but job. If I confront him about anything real or meaningful in life the response is "oh for fuck sake..." Then read about Cassandra phenomenon...but he's such a nice guy...try living the lie! It is all an incomprehensible lie and joke. We live in a small rural area so everything is about image management. I feel eviscerated or gutted to the core. I am highly educated but never saw this one coming. If your a hammer everything is a nail. I am thinking this whole part of the country is emotionless! Just be a worker bee and then die. Don't ask for anything beyond the nothingness. He just wants his next meal. No sex touch, etc. Like the movie Ground Hog Day same nothingness everyday. I crave novelty. I will eventually leave. Think he is narcissist as well. It will be a miracle to get a ticket out of this hell. He has no off button. Can't imagine retirement with him. |
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500 8:10 PM Thu 3rd Sep, 2020 |
If your emotions and needs matter so much to you and you have reasons to love your partners, why don’t you talk? If your partners abuse you for speaking up, then at least you know they’re not ready. Damned if you don’t for sure. There’s a chance to be listened to if you do. I get the impression half of you are expecting daddy to take care of you. A lot of diagnosed aspies are very good at self care. Maybe you can learn something from them. |
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SOS 7:06 PM Thu 3rd Sep, 2020 |
- wanted to add, I’m not at all dependent on him. There are no strings except the ones on my heart tethered to him. I know this is for the better but it’s still so hard. I know he is not sad over this at all and that he is working and running around. He doesn’t have time for my emotional shit so he won’t respond. There is a possibility in a week or two he might respond and say “are you done period raging?” I’m just afraid that as time goes by I start to forget and my heart grows fonder. I don’t want that to happen. I’m already making excuses in my mind -“he doesn’t mean that,relax” yet on the same token he is heavy on the sarcastic jabs and less on the sweet comments. 2 weeks ago when we hung out he said a few times “wow you’re so pretty” and it made my heart flutter. I was dying to see him again and wanted to make plans this weekend. When I asked him to hold Saturday,he didn’t want to commit. In my mind,it’s like when you’re in a relationship ( we’re just seeing each other,nothing defined with titles like Boyfriend /Girlfriend- which is fine for me as I am currently legally separated from my husband)) it’s just expected that you make plans with each other. I get he has a close knit family and friends that he needs to see on top of his crazy workload. this is hard. I need to keep reading everyone’s story and take the advice to run the other direction but that empathetic side in me wants to figure a way to work around his Aspergers. I tell myself not to take it personally. I want to make it work but I’m trying to listen to the voice in my head telling me to go,it won’t be worth it in the end. I hate that I love him so much. He beauty,wit, brain and brawn go unmatched- and he somehow has a lot of heart and cares for his family so much. I hate this . |
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Aspies Suck 1:17 PM Thu 3rd Sep, 2020 |
@SOS. Where do you want to be this time next year? More miserable and abused? Or proud of your strength and bravery for walking away? You don't need him. |
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Winnie 10:29 AM Thu 3rd Sep, 2020 |
To SOS, Are you crazy? You can't go back to a guy that would say such things to you! You are worth so much more than that. I'm so disgusted by his high opinion of himself. What a jerk. He doesn't see you for two weeks when he's in town? Tell him off, I'm sure it will feel good. You can find a decent boyfriend that is not long distance, and an Aspie at that. For me, I am only 5 weeks in to a relationship with a guy I met online. I honestly couldn't figure him out. I saw some real strange stuff right away but I brushed it off as being "he's from another country," or "he's a resident in surgery and he's overworked." But three weeks in he told me he suspected he had a "mild case of Aspergers...mild." As soon as he went to sleep I googled it and I was shocked, came across this site and it was like I was reading about him in everyone's comments. I was reading things like "RUN!" And, "you will be unknown." I was unknown. I mean, on the very first date I told him I had three kids, and he just looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language. I waited for him to ask me their ages (it kind of matters) but he didn't. At first I was contacting him and he was responding, so I didn't catch onto anything on that level. There was some really weird stuff, like just putting on "Back to the Future" while we were eating (on the third date). Didn't ask me if I wanted to watch it or anything. Kind of seems like you'd want to get to know the person you're eating with, but no, seriously wanted to watch that LAME movie from the 80s. I excused it because I thought, "wow he must be really tired from the hospital." But he wasn't tired. He just loves crap from the 80s. He still thinks it's the 80s. Wears 80s clothes, listens to 80s music. You name it. So after he told me he "suspected" Aspergers, I was suddenly REALLY hip to all the issues and realized I was "unknown"and that was how he wanted it. He knew I was a teacher but was completely uninterested in what I taught to the point that a month in, he still didn't know what I taught. Because he didn't care. Not interesting. How screwed up is that? So I'm done. The last time I asked him a question about whether he was free last weekend, it took him FOUR days to respond. Yet I know he spends two hours working out every day. So he couldn't take five minutes to text me out of his free time? Screw that! I'm better than that and so are you SOS. Let's ditch these Aspies who don't care about us except as being "hosts". I'd rather be single than waiting for a text for four days. |
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Aspies Suck 10:13 AM Thu 3rd Sep, 2020 |
Aspergers are a blight on humanity. Look at how many people have posted here in desperation. However, there is hope. WALK AWAY NOW! I did and it was the best thing I ever did in my life. YOU CAN DO IT TOO. RIGHT NOW. YOU HAVE THE POWER! You may feel trapped financially or whatever, but you aren’t. That’s just what they want you to think, like all abusers. You have the strength. Take control. You owe them nothing. Make a plan and leave. You’ll feel fantastic and be proud of your achievement. You’ll never regret it. Aspergers destroy people who try to show them support, understanding and consideration. It’s all one way. We see them struggle, feel compassion and empathy for them and get stabbed in the eyes in return. Don’t waste your short lives with these mentally disturbed aliens. They’ll never appreciate you and the sacrifices you make for them. |
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SOS 7:24 AM Thu 3rd Sep, 2020 |
I need everyone to help me walk away. I ended it via text and I didnt get a response and I need the strength to not look back. I’m madly in love with him. In short, im in a 2 year long distance relationship with an aspie. We have a handful of typical aspie /NT issues mentioned here so I won’t highlight each one-we all deal with a spectrum of frustration,you all get it. In this one particular text exchange,I was upset bc he is in town for the next two months and I wanted to see him again. He balances two high end demanding jobs ,so he works probably 90hrs a week . Now that he is town he is trying to also see a lot of family. Anyhow I saw him 2weeks ago and I desperately want to see him again. I want to quote some of the things he said in a text due to me “throwing a tantrum bc our schedules didn’t align” I had asked him to hold this Saturday for us and he went and made plans with his cousin instead. I explained that the next few weekends would not work for me due to my kids etc anyhow he doesn’t care. So things were getting heated and this is what he says: “In a perfect world ,you would keep your dumb mouth shut,I could tolerate you” “Just don’t annoy me,I have a ridiculous workload on top of everything else and I dont have patience for your dumb shit” and my favorite,his way to snap me out of it and diffuse the situation “ the world is upside down right now..stop being a nut.. there is always a spot For your head in any wall in this world,just let me know ,you’ll go right through it” This is not ok. Even in hyperbole ,this is just not acceptable. I told him I love him and that he shouldn’t settle for someone that annoys him so much. I told him we do t work well when we are apart though when we are together it’s great. It’s few and far between though. And that’s all. I didn’t get a response and kind of hoping I don’t. And that this is a good way to end things. It’s hard bc I love him. Please help. Loved what David wrote below. |
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Amber 4:56 AM Thu 3rd Sep, 2020 |
David (2nd Sept ) you have described the situation as far as I see it very concisely and eloquently as usual. |
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Bev 1:26 AM Thu 3rd Sep, 2020 |
Recently I saw Christiane Amanpour's documentary Sex and Love Around The World. In the Tokyo episode she interviewed a woman who said that during sex with her husband, her husband would start watching porn on his phone, and because she felt awful and neglected she just stopped and gave him a hand job until he's done. And then that was that. This is what my AS ex boyfriend did once and I swore to myself that the next time he does that I would leave right there and then. I should've left the first time he did it but I was stupid I guess. No one deserves this kind of treatment from their partner. I understand that it's deeply ingrained in the Japanese culture that women are supposed to be timid and submissive. I feel so sorry for that lady. We should all learn to put ourselves first. |
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Talia 12:02 AM Thu 3rd Sep, 2020 |
David for president! |
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Shannon 11:21 PM Wed 2nd Sep, 2020 |
Nana Tuffour, please see my post on Sunday 30th August. I would be interested to hear what you and others think of this matter. I know that unless you have experienced a romantic relationship with an undiagnosed ASD person, you can have no idea of the hurt, loneliness, desperation and oftentimes abuse that it causes. We all need a place to speak openly about our suffering and receive emotional support. |
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PhD 10:50 PM Wed 2nd Sep, 2020 |
@David -Your response to Nana was brilliant! Thank you! |
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Amber 6:33 PM Wed 2nd Sep, 2020 |
(Response to Bev 26th August) Thankyou for sharing your experience of your father it sounds so similar to my father-in-law. He is so unkind with his lack of empathy. I know HFA can't help it but can you imagine a world run by people who have no concern for others only their own needs. The whole reason why my father-in-law is living with us(I now realise in retrospect)- is that my husband and I have sorted everything out for him for 38 years but did not realise what was going on until we moved him in with us, to look after him again!! because he couldn't cope after his partner died. I never cottoned on that he never during those years was grateful - he showed no appreciation , we were just living our lives. Now it's there 24 hours a day , watching the compulsive routines, making you part of his rituals, showing no thanks for what your doing (seems to be able to thank people outside of his caregivers), won't make any decisions etc etc. The builders are in, the annexe is being built hooray! We will still be his main carers but hopefully with him a garden path away we can get our lives back and we don't have to observe or experience it daily. |
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David 6:14 PM Wed 2nd Sep, 2020 |
This is in response to Nana's question regarding what others may say about this website. The fact that you are asking this question indicates that you actually care what aspies think about NTs, that perhaps you are giving their comments credibility, and that you are questioning whether the criticism we have towards aspies is justified. As an NT, I completely understand why you would feel this way- it shows that you have empathy and are trying to put yourself in their shoes (something that they will not do for you). However, I would ask you to consider the following. In a normal disagreement, two parties discuss their differences in an attempt to understand each other and find some middle ground. Have you ever tried to do this with an aspie? It is an exercise in frustration, because their mind blindness is real. When they interact with us, from their perspective they are interacting with an object, not a person with a mind and heart. In my experience, having a reciprocal discussion with them in order to resolve conflict becomes impossible; it makes you question your own sanity and self-worth, and it ruins your quality of life. Yet the mental health establishment has empowered aspies to be in control, by labeling their condition a disability. But having a disability does NOT give someone the right to trample on another person's happiness and dignity. Therein lies the problem that we find ourselves in. And to make matters worse, when an NT victim of aspie behavior complains and is ignored (Cassandra syndrome), it intensifies the unrequited frustration and pain that we are already experiencing, leading to permanent emotional scars that no one seems to care about. So this website serves an important therapeutic role for NTs who have been victimized by aspies- NTs whose voices have not been heard by mental health professionals, but who need an outlet for voicing their sadness and frustration. I will not apologize to aspies for the way I feel about this. If a militant aspie support group has a problem with it, they can choose NOT to visit this website. Or even better, perhaps they could visit it along with their therapist, so that both can learn of the terrible hurt their behavior has caused people like us. The aspie will not care and will get defensive, but the therapist might learn. But until there is better acknowledgement by mental health professionals of the pain that aspies cause us, it is critical that we find support in one another through a group like this. As far as I'm concerned, aspies have forfeited the right to complain about the very people they are victimizing. They should learn from us (if that were only possible), understand the hurt they cause, and try to work with their therapist (if they even deign to see one) in order to mitigate the pain they cause. |
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Nana Tuffour 9:49 AM Wed 2nd Sep, 2020 |
Some of you have probably come across pages where they criticize this website. What do you think of the stuff they say? |
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ADMIN 5:02 AM Wed 2nd Sep, 2020 |
To Questioning The book can be purchased from the books & reviews section of our website. Admin |
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Brad 4:54 AM Wed 2nd Sep, 2020 |
I recently ended a long friendship with someone who was diagnosed later in life with autism. I'd known Mark for well over 12 years and it was hard to leave that behind, since he's a funny, smart guy and we had a lot of good times. The problem I had with my now-former friend ended up being that he expected me (and I suspect, many others) to drop everything and tend to his needs. There had been miscommunications in the past which would annoy me (this is before I knew he was on the spectrum) but I feel he became much more self-centered as he grew older (he's in his mid-40s). He didn't seem to understand the concept that I had to work, I have a wife (and he's always been single so I didn't want to keep bringing that up like I was rubbing it in) and I can't just drop everything to accommodate him or pay for whatever he wanted - in many ways, it seemed like he was acting like a toddler who says "I want! I want! I want!" We had tried to play role-playing games over FaceTime and I think it became a dependency pretty quickly. I'll admit blame for having to cancel or reschedule our sessions. I did so many times because my wife needed help or comfort, I had worked a lot and/or I was just tired/fried from a long day. Mark called my wife needy and that I was constantly disrespecting him by changing plans (though, he would change things on me alot but it wasn't about that - he was becoming very inflexible). I tried to understand Mark's experiences but it came to a head when he blew up at me for disrespecting him and, with my temper, I said I thought we had worked out something but now he's back to perseverating on that again - let's not bother and take care, have a good life. He had recently moved to another state so I said I'm glad he made it there. Then I ended all communications and blocked him - probably a cowardly dick move on my part. I'm still trying to understand though it will probably not be enough to salvage the friendship - he also had wanted me to spend more time on planning the game and I don't have that time, whereas he does not work so he doesn't seem to get it. One other factor, and this may be the driving reason and nothing to do with his autism, but Mark's parents let him do anything he wanted and even gave him their credit cards. There were no boundaries and he became extremely spoiled/entitled. I feel bad that Mark does not have many friends and now I've left/disappointed him as well. Thanks for listening and for this site. |
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PhD 2:42 AM Wed 2nd Sep, 2020 |
@ Onymous- What see as double standards is nothing by an attempt to control you via intermittent reinforcement aka "the roller coaster of hell". Get off this roller coaster while you can, it's more dangerous than you can imagine. |
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Questioning 2:08 AM Wed 2nd Sep, 2020 |
Where can I purchase "No Team Player: A Neurotypical's Life Married to a Man with Autism Spectrum Disorder: a Memoir" by Judith Newton? I live in Europe and it seems to me that I can't purchase it; neither over Amazon nor Google Shopping. |
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Amanda 1:05 PM Tue 1st Sep, 2020 |
I was not going to post any more, your e wise words of support have helped me so much After ups down with my aspie husband , leaving many times,i virtually decided no more, than again I seem to be in the same position, him saying he doesn’t want to not b without me. He makes promises of attention etc etc and I’ve fallen for it I know he can’t change now ... i don’t no why I fall for it x |
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RK 12:43 AM Tue 1st Sep, 2020 |
@Mouse: One of the things you said in your last post has been resonating in my mind and while I have time today I thought I would just get back to you. The part about some AS or for that matter narcissistic individuals can be that they think they are so superior. Ah, yeah, I can relate to that. My father-in-law was very much that way, In fact my hairdresser described him as "arrogant". His own wife, my mother-in-law, said of her husband he was not a nurturing man and she wished she had played the field more. My son came home several times when he was little and told me, "Grandma called Grandpa an old grump." I never felt comfortable with the man as I told Shannon in my last post to her he was the kind of man that could suck the positivity right out of a room.He was contentious,difficult to get along with and yeah, very opinionated and authoritarian to the point of being like a dictator. So, if you are dealing with someone like that kind of person I can feel for you. I still am not sure if my father-in-law was more of a narcissistic type personality or just really pronounced AS because both my husband has mild symptoms of AS and of course my son was diagnosed with it. Yeah, thank goodness my husband was not as bad (for lack of a better word) as far as superiority,etc. so when he finally was amenable to try to make things work between us it wasn't as difficult. Okay, I've got to drop off the grid as I've got some house projects that are just going to require my time and effort. Plus after all these years I am finally just letting go of this AS stuff as I am not responsible for my son's behavior anymore, he is an adult and has to learn to face the consequences of his actions/behavior. As for my husband we have learned to tune into each other better...I "don't" do all the work in the relationship anymore, he is pulling his weight too. |
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Onymous 10:05 PM Mon 31st Aug, 2020 |
Double moral: has anyone else here experienced that autistic people can be very double moral? I wanted to say goodbye and he immediately started emotional blackmail. And said I was so selfish (just because I wanted to say goodbye). The next day he wanted to call me. I was at university and wrote that I couldn't use the phone right now. I wondered if I could call back in a few hours when the class was over. He then told me to call him immediately or never again. And then I called him selfish. He immediately took it personally. I don't understand why he thinks it's okay to emotionally blackmail and insult me and expects me to just accept it. But when he gets a taste of his own medicine, he just freaks out. |
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RK 8:38 PM Mon 31st Aug, 2020 |
@Shannon: Oh, and one last thing to add my previous long winded post I sent you earlier. I still feel at times that my son's disorder (Aspergers) was passed on through the male side on my husband's side of the family. So, that is why I worked so hard to try to help him be someone other than the type of male my father-in-law was. Somebody that would be more "aware" of people's feeling and what was inappropriate vs appropriate behavior. Yeah, I had to be the "she-bear" at times cause I didn't always get the support I needed either. As you know it is hard when you are a woman having to take on so much and you do not always get adequate "support". Now I really have to go, but I just wanted to get back to you to let you know you are not alone in your struggles at times. |
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RK 7:59 PM Mon 31st Aug, 2020 |
Hey Shannon: I've got to make this quick because I need to eat breakfast and then get going to go look at some counter-top material for a kitchen remodeling project I am hoping to have done. OMG(!)---yes, I meant that when I said I am no saint. I would get very upset and resentful with my husband in the early years of our marriage for what I felt was his lack of maturity and NOT being able to handle his parents. I felt he had married me sometimes to hold his hand and get help get him through life. Plus also to be the "buffer" between him and his parents because he had a "very" domineering father that would even go so far as to malign me behind my back and in my child's presence. I got so upset with one incident that my son reported to me after he had been over at my in-laws house and the hateful/hurtful things that my father-in-law said about me that I really let my husband have it and ended up locking myself in our bedroom for a good part of a day because I was so upset with my husband's family...and him. Oh, and after that I went "no contact" with his parents for a year. And...you know what it was one of the best years of our early marriage. My husband started to realize I was "unhappy" and started to make some improvements in our marrigae after that and listen to me more. The next best year of my life is when my father-in-law and his 2nd wife finally moved "out-of-state" and I did not have to have close contact anymore with my father-in-law. He was the kind of man that just sucked the positivity right our of a room. As I stated in some of my previous posts even my husband's mother said of her husband he was not a nurturing man and she wished she had played the field more. I never cared for the man and I don't know how my mother-in-law lived with him as long as she did. Well,she was a very submissive woman and kept a lot inside. I don't always and reach a point where it just comes out. Hey, I know women just have to vent at times. Oh, well,I'll start going on and on and I've got to get going on the day. Take Care of yourself and try to get some ME time away from kids and a husband at times if possible. |
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Vicky R 9:36 AM Mon 31st Aug, 2020 |
I just ended a 21 year relationship with an undiagnosed aspie. My final reason for leaving was physical and emotional abandonment. I know some marriages say they feel lonely at times but mine was palpable. I think what bothered me the most was how long it took for me to figure it out and how no one in his family seemed aware. He could present very normal at times but living with him showed the true story. When we separated and he moved in with this mother, she would call me crying because she didn’t understand why he was so distant. I think as he got older it got worse. I was hoping we could be friends because there was no ill will at the end. However, he was so neglectful while married that I set myself up for disappointment because he was even worse as a friend. My biggest regret is I spent 21 years with someone that is virtually a stranger now and it seems like a death. I learned a lot and have been taking care of myself and am much happier. I do worry that the neglect and lack of affection, initiation, and intimacy may make pursuing a new relationship very challenging. I have no interest at this time in finding someone new but it is very difficult to face how emotionally damaging that marriage cost me. Good luck to everyone and know you deserve to be loved in a way that you know you are loved. |
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Miel 7:07 AM Mon 31st Aug, 2020 |
This site may have saved my life. I was so anguished and confused after things ended with my AS “friend” a few months ago, I contemplated suicide. I had always admired him. He was charming, brilliant. In grief after my mother died, I turned to him for comfort. He was wonderful, attentive and kind. His candour was at times shocking yet, endearing. One day he blurted -“I knew I had feelings for you when I had to resist telling you about my past lovers.” It seemed an odd way of admitting he had feelings for me but soon, I felt loved and had never felt so “seen”. (The term “love bombing” is a good one as its aftermath left my heart a crater.) My only warning came when he said he was “slightly spectrum” and had overly literal interpretations. I didn’t understand the implications. Soon, our time began to interfere with his rigid non-negotiable routine, one I knew nothing about. He began telling me how “lucky” I was to have “gotten this far” with him, said I should be “grateful” he’d given me so much of his attention and time. I wrongly dismissed this narcissistic tone as stress. Overnight, the dimensional man who had loved everything about me began flattening as he discarded me. He was now quick to anger. I walked on eggshells, was forever apologizing. When he did talk about past lovers, it was negative. He said he “pushes people away” and relishes bridge-burning as if it had been his plan for me all along. When I made him “uncomfortable” with a teasing joke, he warned me sternly not to go “too far”. In shock, I asked -“Are you saying you’re going to stop loving me?”. He said he would “try to resist this tendency” but, the threat still broke my heart. He “joked” that our love had been illusion, like the trick of a hypnotist or cult leader. When this cruel notion hurt and upset me, he suggested I was “mentally ill”. When his anxiety grew, his perceptions warped and his memory lapsed, I offered rescue. It only made things worse. He made a villain of me in his mind. In the end he claimed my feelings were “dominating” and “threatening” him. When I reminded him how happy we had been, he said I was “gaslighting” him. When I broke down crying, he accused me of “manipulating” him. I fell in-love with a masked AS man, the mirage of soul mate who never truly existed. He erased me because my love disrupted the routine he needed to maintain the mask. I meant nothing to him. If you suspect they’re masking AS with narcissistic tendencies, run. Save yourself from the worst heartbreak of your life. You’ll likely never stop loving the mask. |
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T Williams 1:00 AM Mon 31st Aug, 2020 |
I am so relieved that I’m not going crazy . I’m am on a self conscious journey of learning who I am . I’ve been married 23 yrs. My husband is a sick man I’m his caregiver now just as well as my “wifely duties”. I feel liked I just set myself up for more stress. He acts so dependent on me for everything , and it drives me crazy🤪. I have no social life because of all the flack I spend time with others as long as he approves. BS He’s 8 yrs older and I really feel like I was set up, I love this man we have 4 kids 3 boys by him . He’s was a gd provider but he never wants to make decisions and b head of the family it’s so exhausting. I’m starting to realize and tired of living life this way I’m not benefiting as it’s seems like we’re not moving forward. I would really like to become pt of a group because it’s a lonely world out here when u find out your not thinking crazy and what I’ll feeling u feel are valid your not over exaggerating or being mean. I feel unhappy and find my wanting to just be happy. Secretly wanting OUT. Which makes me sad, I felt Marriage was something that last forever whatever that it 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾Searching for Peace🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾 |
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Shannon 9:50 PM Sun 30th Aug, 2020 |
I want to say how affirming and soul saving it has been for me to read the testimonials here. People tend to find this site when they are suffering great emotional pain and looking for answers to explain the dysfunctional relationships they find themselves in. Often people are feeling desperately unhappy, on the brink of a major decision to try to save their relationship or themselves and their kids from more heartache and even abuse. Many people cannot afford expensive therapy to discuss their problems with a trained psychologist. I read an online article by an ASD woman recently who was angry about the existence of sites and forums such as this one, saying they were “hate sites”. No, I responded to her in my mind, they are “pain sites”. We find ourselves here when we are in pain and seeking validation, empathy. As others here have noted, we need a place to vent and be supported. For the record, I am highly cynical of the “10 great things about ASD people” type of articles. Drawing from one such article…. Yes, my ASD husband has an amazing memory for details. That does not a husband make, does not a father make. I am NT, and like my husband I don’t lie, I believe in fairness, I am conscientious, reliable, and honest. ASD people are free of prejudice? Nonsense. My husband is very judgmental of people who don’t live like him. His black and white thinking and sense of his superior intelligence and superior ethics cause him to pass judgment on people all the time—often offending them. People on the spectrum pay attention to detail? Only the details they are interested in, like most people. If I asked my husband the colour of a room we had just visited he would likely have no idea. Here’s another one: they have extreme endurance. Again, maybe for things they’re interested in, but not even in my experience. My husband has very limited endurance for driving, for example. I could go on and on but my point is, we must take these lists with a grain of salt AND they are beside the point. If you are married to someone who is inflexible and does not give you emotional support then that sucks. I’d rather my husband had an average memory and said, “Honey, I just shovelled the snow from the walk because I know you’re going out soon.” Without my having asked or pleaded with him to do this. So, Mouse. Thank you for your comments that “In some cases, the AS partner even feels superior to the NT person, who is seen as a weak, unrational and emotionally 'needy' person” and that the bigger problem is “the lack of knowledge about the effect on the NT partners mental and physical health, when being in a relationship with a partner, that doesn't see or meet their emotional or physical needs.” Like you, I come to this page to 'vent' and feel 'validated’. Like you, I don't 'hate' people with AS. RK, though you may not be reading or posting here anymore…if my child were on the spectrum I would support and love them as fiercely as you do, of course. I responded with great happiness to your comment “I am NO Saint, just someone who wasn't going to loose my son to a disorder he had no control over”. You go, mama bear! I echo Confessions of an NT in saying that “Your sharing and openness have been lovely, and I truly wish you the very best in life”. To Someone who let go, my heart goes out to you. I relate so strongly to your story and your pain, especially this passage: “Nothing works for long. He's back to the same behavior, same disregard that caused your prompting. The prompting for him to be caring and attentive will be the most exhausting part of this dynamic. You will find yourself in a role of prompter and explainer and forgiver over and over and over again. I became resentful of having to explicitly outline why it hurts to be forgotten or why touch and words of affirmation are needed consistently. Or why him taking a trip without me to visit his parents when my father just passed away was abandoning and hurtful for me.” For now I am staying with my husband for family and financial reasons. In a few years, I don’t know what I’ll do. he accepts his new diagnoses so it depends how things go. Even though he accepts he’s on the spectrum, he is still extremely limited in his capacity for the emotional work of love. I do all the reading, seeking to understand the disorder, I go to therapy, and he says, “I said I was sorry so can we stop talking about it now.” He is pathetically incapable of insight and emotional work. I feel sorry for him—but also for me. You say, “The resentment was the undoing. It changed me in a way I couldn't shake. With all of my efforts I couldn't find forgiveness in me for a man who repeatedly acted as though he didn't understand my pain, my needs or my desires. Just know that no amount of patience or explaining will ever bring about the kind of relationship you actually want to have.” I know you’re right. I’m staying for now, but finally detaching from the expectation and hope of a happy, fulfilling marriage. As you say, “Knowing when it's over is the hardest part to discern.” Thank you all for sharing your stories. We are strangers helping each other in the most meaningful way possible—by providing emotional support. |
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Elodie 2:09 PM Sun 30th Aug, 2020 |
@YramEsor - I’m so glad you feel this way after discovering this site. It is a source of comfort and strength to many of us. I’m interested to know which test your husband took? I’m trying to find one for my undiagnosed partner to take. Elodie x |
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YramEsor 7:55 AM Sun 30th Aug, 2020 |
Well am I glad I found this site and you lovely folks tonight. I think you've just saved my sanity! I've been reading voraciously and can't believe how 'validated' I now feel knowing that I am not losing my mind, that I am not the most disagreeable person in history and that needing love, affection, consideration and respect are regular normal feelings. I've been married to my AS husband (undiagnosed but he scored 37 on the test) for 25yrs and I'm at my wits end. I have shouted and screamed for him to see my viewpoint but he can't (I used to think wont) and now I know it won't ever get any better because he thinks that I'm the problem all the time. If only I would comply and stop being so disagreeable then we'd get along just fine....erm...that's not how adult relationships work. We have almost zero intimacy and when we do it's like a 'routine' ...I could write the script. No spontaneity, no passion. I'm just so lonely and miserable. I need to get out and start actually living my life. |
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RK 12:32 AM Sun 30th Aug, 2020 |
MOUSE: (and anyone else that cares to read)--Can I please add that I definitely hear you and you are correct in stating that sometimes there just aren't the resources and or facilities in certain areas to find emotional support when you are a Neuro-T (for lack of a better term) and find yourself in some type of relationship with an AS or Autistic or even a mentally ill person. I grew up with a brother that was later diagnosed with mental illness. I admit I was so embarrassed when I was younger I did not want to be seen and/or associate with him. It was not until I was a graduate student that I was taking a class on "Music Therapy" for challenged individuals that my professor said something that has stuck with me for "life"---He said in reference to anyone with mental disorders, "But for a slip of the gene (DNA) it could have been me or you." My own son asked me several times "Why" he had to be like he was??? He thought at one time when he was little maybe it was because part of his brain got pushed into the other part." And...you don't think I struggled too? There were articles and snide behind my back insinuations that maybe it was the "mother" that made Aspergers children the way they were---cold, non-nurturing creatures, etc. Well, I have been to HELL and back and I will NOT dance with the Devil anymore. My son and I "both" know he will not marry. He has accepted it and I can too. And, here I have rambled on an on again. This is it, I have to go. I am going on with my life. |
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RK 8:20 PM Sat 29th Aug, 2020 |
Mouse: I never "expect" my son to marry and he is fully aware of some of his problems. As I already explained in a former text I did not expect him to marry or have grandchildren and with that I bid you all farewell. But if I don't at least try to love him---Who will? And with that I say farewell. |
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Mouse 3:24 PM Sat 29th Aug, 2020 |
Dear RK, would like to say, that i enjoy hearing that its possible for some NT/AS couples to work things out, and find a way to be content and happy together. I don't think all people with AS are alike (though they share a lot of specific characteristics..), and its good to know, that its possible for some, to work with their ways. I read in lots of places, that the only way to make a NT/AS relation work, is if BOTH partners accept the diagnosis, and work with their differences. In a lot of cases, the AS partner is blind to the problems the diagnosis is causing, and therefore the NT part is doing all the work. In some cases, the AS partner even feels superior to the NT person, who is seen as a weak, unrational and emotionally 'needy' person. I also think its good to hear 'positive' things about people with AS, but the biggest problem doesn't seem to me, to be the lack of positive information about people with AS. As mentioned, there are articles out there like '10 positive traits of autistic people', and i've seen tv programs that portrai the sometimes truly amazing abilities that some autistic people have. Like exceptional memory, being able to write down music after just hearing a piece once, fotografic memory etc. The human brain is truly amazing, and some autistic people, have abilities that are just that. So, to me, it seems, theres lots of positive information out there, about autism and the folks that where born this way. The bigger problem seems to me, at least in my country, to be the lack of knowledge about the effect on the NT partners mental and physical health, when being in a relationsshp with a partner, that doesn't see or meet their emotional or physical needs. So, therefore i come to this page to 'vent' and feel 'validated'. I don't 'hate' people with AS. Like kids, they just don't see the full picture, and they often will tell u they DO, and YOU are wrong. They will argue this with great confidence, cause they really think the DO see the full picture.. I come to this page to get affirmation, that even though they seem very confident about their 'thuth' they can be completely of track..It simply calms my nerves. If it sometimes seems to be something close to 'hatespeech' on this page, i think its simply because, they often knowingly or unknowingly, causes a lot of anger, and as an NT person, its a basic need to 'vent' and have someone listening who might understand ur problems.. So, i truly admire that ur son Seth is doing so well, i'm sure it has been a BIG job to take on, especially if ur husbond also has AS. I'm full of admiration, and understand ur love for ur son as a mother. And if he should some day charm a possible (NT) stepdaughter, please tell her about his diagnosis, and the troubles it can cause. Its really important to get the chance, to make a choice about what ur getting involved with. Best wishes for everyone |
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RK 3:23 PM Sat 29th Aug, 2020 |
TO-Confessions of a NT (Sat. 29th):---I said I would not be posting anymore but after your nice sentiments, I just had to respond. THANK YOU, your comments are some of the nicest things I have heard in awhile and especially from someone I have not even met in person. I truly hope you can find some answers and "peace" too in your experiences with these confusing disorders of Aspergers and/or Autism. And...I will confess I felt despair, resentment, anger, sorrow, depression, frustration you name it at times through my journey with Aspergers. I am NO Saint, just someone who wasn't going to loose my son to a disorder he had no control over. Thank you and peace and love to you too!!! |
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Confessions of a NT 1:33 PM Sat 29th Aug, 2020 |
My dear RK, no worries and thank you for clearing it up. You have had more than your fair share of struggles as well that is for sure, and I have nothing but respect for your decision and what you have accomplished and continue to do. I figured you didn't mean it like it sounded but wanted to make sure it wasn't taken that way by anyone. Your sharing and openness have been lovely, and I truly wish you the very best in life, may all good thing's come to you and your heart of gold, you deserve it. Much love, sweet lady. |
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RK 1:05 PM Sat 29th Aug, 2020 |
CEE--It was a pleasure to meet and text back and forth with you as well. Thank you for sharing your experiences. You seem like a compassionate and empathetic person. I wish you the best! Robin |
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RK 12:39 PM Sat 29th Aug, 2020 |
Confessions of an NT (Fri.28th)--Oh, I am so sorry if my comment regarding "positive" comments was misinterpreted. It was in no way meant as a dig or a papercut. All I meant is that it was nice to hear something "positive" such as June's testimonial about being able to work things out with her husband and Cee's nice comments in response to my testimonials. I realize people are hurting from their experiences. Hey,I experienced "plenty" of heartache with my own marriage and son. I was told by a school counselor at one time that all see foresaw for my son was living in a "group home." As for that article by Ms. Rudy someone had mentioned it on the site and I was just wondering if that was the one they were talking about and in "no way" implying that those things were true one way or the other . I will not be posting anymore anyway. So, please accept my apologies and take care. Like I said previously I hope you all find the answers you are looking for and healing as well. |
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AV 8:16 AM Sat 29th Aug, 2020 |
I dated an Aspie. He never told me. When we were still dating, I discovered one of his social media accounts (he said I can google his name) and "Aspergers" was written on his profile. That said social media account is now on private after we stopped communicating. I think he knew that I knew. Initially I noticed something was quirky about him. Then everything made sense: his sensitivity to noise, he only reads non fiction books, he would stick to his daily routines, the way he would go on and on and on about a certain topic. He has an odd gait. His empathy seemed forced and not genuine. He talks in a loud voice. There were times I would be sharing a story to him and he would always give his opinion with conviction. He had these "slip of the tongue" moments which made me think, did he really say that?? These were early warning signs yet I didn't pay attention to them. I also discovered it probably runs in the family. A quick google search redirected me to his brother's video on YouTube. No need for me to elaborate further as I don't think it's necessary. Meanwhile, he said something about his father which made me put the pieces together and realized his brother and father are probably Aspies too. He was the one who broke things off. I don't have any ill feelings toward him. It's a good thing I knew about it early. Researching about Aspergers and reading testimonials made me realize I won't be able to handle him if our relationship deepened. |
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Cee 4:55 AM Sat 29th Aug, 2020 |
RK (Robin): I’m sorry about the passing of your parents and your husband’s parents. Your mother-in-law was a real gem; it’s great that you and she were able to commiserate over your respective husbands’ difficulties and to bond during your discussions. Seth proved to be a blessing as well, because he caused you and Tim to work out your issues and draw closer to each other. Tim is absolutely right about teamwork: as long as a family is willing to work together, regardless of which members are NT or ASD, you can achieve wonderful results! Thank you so much for sharing your story; it’s been a pleasure to meet you! |
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RK 3:47 AM Sat 29th Aug, 2020 |
Have read an article ,"Can Your Partner with Aspergers Syndrome Change?" by Kenneth Roberson, PH.D. You can just type that info into a subject bar and probably come up with it. Just food for thought---you can take it or leave it. All I know is that by catching my son's disorder early on (Aspergers) and with lots of counseling from experts and therapy work, etc. we were able to understand where he was coming from and not "judge" him by our NT expectations all the time and at the same time help get him the appropriate help to be a more productive human. He's been out of the house since his early 20's (he is now 35)-- and never come to live back home like some kids that I know have gotten out of college and come back to mommy and daddy. Oh well, I have a life to live and am not getting caught up in the AS or Autism stuff anymore. I just came on this site to see what it was like and appreciated seeing some responses such as June's and Cee's which gave me hope. May you all find some answers. |
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Someone who let go 11:51 PM Fri 28th Aug, 2020 |
You find that you're a broken record. You try to come up with a hundred different ways to manipulate the English language in order for him to finally have some empathy or understanding of what you truly mean. Nothing works for long. He's back to the same behavior, same disregard that caused your prompting. The prompting for him to be caring and attentive will be the most exhausting part of this dynamic. You will find yourself in a role of prompter and explainer and forgiver over and over and over again. I became resentful of having to explicitly outline why it hurts to be forgotten or why touch and words of affirmation are needed consistently. Or why him taking a trip without me to visit his parents when my father just passed away was abandoning and hurtful for me. The resentment was the undoing. It changed me in a way I couldn't shake. With all of my efforts I couldn't find forgiveness in me for a man who repeatedly acted as though he didn't understand my pain, my needs or my desires. Just know that no amount of patience or explaining will ever bring about the kind of relationship you actually want to have. If you're having to forgive more than you ever imagined possible, or if you're having to choose between your love for them and the love you have for yourself, this is the end. Knowing when it's over is the hardest part to discern. Remember though, that it never really began either. It was never meeting your needs or reciprocal in nature. There was never a person standing across from you that actually wanted to know your thoughts, feelings, or who truly listened and cared. Maybe he wanted your love, devotion and the security of your presence, but did he ever ask you follow-up questions? Did he ever once fully know you and appreciate you? I stayed because of hope. I assumed that some new ground could be paved through all of the investment of time and energy. I was wrong. In every sleepless night of anxiously trying to be reached by him and to reach him, I would awake to another day of having it all be washed clean. No notion of progress could be kept. This is why you continue to have the same fights. He continues to "not understand" what is upsetting or hurtful. He continues to be confused and "overwhelmed" and self-absorbed. My father passed away and in the midst of my grief he would vent about being "overwhelmed and stressed" with work without once asking me how I was doing. A month after his death, I had mentioned I was in pain and he said, "Well he died a month ago." As though a month were a long enough time to move on. I'm not sure if it's the sensory overwhelm they experience, but they can't really see beyond their own skin. They are thoroughly absorbed and encased with their disorder and there is no moving out of their experience to understand another. I've realized that he struggles to hold his own experience or emotions with any kind of ease that it would be overly demanding for him and "overwhelming" for him to even imagine reaching out of it and holding the experience of another. They just aren't wired with the bandwidth to love in any intimate way. |
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David 11:47 PM Fri 28th Aug, 2020 |
Since it was mentioned here, I'd like to comment on the article "Top 10 terrific traits of autistic people" by someone named Lisa Jo Rudy. Ms. Rudy apparently is the mother of a young adult with autism, and so it must be acknowledged that she is potentially biased when listing these allegedly positive traits. I read through the 10 traits- they strike me as being nothing more than self-serving propaganda. The first trait, namely that aspies don't lie, is just plain wrong in my experience. The aspie woman that I've mentioned previously on this site was often untruthful. The 4th trait, that aspies are "passionate", might be correct if you define passionate as being quick to anger, not returning e-mails or phone calls, sulking, and having meltdowns. Let's get a grip- aspies don't have a monopoly on any of the traits that are listed in that article. No one does. There are plenty of NTs who don't lie, who are passionate, who have great memories, etc. The bottom line for me is this: Whatever positive traits a person may have can be totally negated by ONE major negative trait that causes harm and ruins someone else's quality of life and happiness. I don't care how good an aspie's memory might be, if she cannot relate to me with kindness, empathy, and compassion, and if she doesn't give a damn about my welfare, my feelings, or my need to be loved and supported. So therapists can list all the positive traits they want about aspies; it doesn't matter. NONE of them are specific to aspies, and ALL of them can be neutralized in an instant by an aspie's inability to have genuine empathy. This is my opinion only, but I base it on my direct experience. |
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Confessions of a NT 11:21 PM Fri 28th Aug, 2020 |
My dear RK, I don't usually respond on here to anyone but rather simply read in quiet love the heartbreaking experiences of so many that are pouring their destroyed heart's out, me being one of them. I have very much enjoyed reading your story about your son Seth and above all seeing your devotion to your son and also husband, it has been an interesting journey and a nice contrast. But it has been your devotion that has achieved this and I salute you on your strength of will to persevere and keeping a refreshingly positive attitude about your life and struggles. But please don't send out indirects as your last little jab about how there are so many not "positive" comments on here, this hits hard to people who are greatly suffering as well, because I know from the experience of your own testimony you very well know we do all suffer everyday with as I think David so eloquently put it, "many litte papercut jabs", administered without compunction from the AS people in all of our lives. I'm sure you didn't mean anything by it and you have been very empathetic and lovely in all respects other than that, but I just wanted to say please be careful for many are suffering from deep guilt that they can't be "positive" about all this and it kills their heart's a little more everyday. So this site is such a relief to be able to put out our "negative" comments on here without judgement or feeling guilt about it and even then there are many whom still labor under the heavy burden of just being brave enough to say the word's. Much love, and good luck with your son and husband, it is truly a beautiful thing that you are doing. |
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RK 8:25 PM Fri 28th Aug, 2020 |
You know back when I got married in the 1980's there wasn't information out there on the internet like there is today regrading Aspergers and Autism Disorders. You younger women have so much more access to this now. So "why" set yourself up for a relationship and/or marriage that may not meet your needs emotionally, etc. if you already know your partner has Aspergers and or an Autism Disorder. Hey, if you are just dating and or living with somebody and no strings attached then you can just walk away. Listen to what some of those that have been in long relationships are saying. Do you really want that? I was fortunate in the end after years of heartache at times my husband was amenable to improving when he "finally" got it through his thick skull I WAS UNHAPPY. He slowly started coming around and acknowledged some of his shortcomings and with acquired knowledge of Aspergers we got through working with our son he started working on his own areas of concern. However, young things you may not be so lucky and just set yourself up for heartache. If you are single it is easy to disengage. Rather than flip-flop back and forth about will it work will it not. |
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PhD 10:09 AM Fri 28th Aug, 2020 |
To Amanda - You KNOW what is the right thing to do. You know it. You would'd be here if you didn't. You are here, on this life-saving website NOT because you are seeking answers, but because you are trying to save yourself, trying to find strength to escape the abuse, the death of your very soul. You are not conflicted, you are scared. Scared to leave the man who will inevitably cause you suffering and unimaginable, soul crushing pain. The question you should be asking is not what you should do. The real question you need to ask yourself is why you are so afraid to leave the prison you are in. Is it a fear of never finding the right partner? Fear of ending up alone? Fear of being judged by other people for another failed marriage? I can go on and on, but please understand that if you stay, you WILL regret it. But it's going to be too late, because you will be nothing but an empty shell, depressed, destroyed, lonely and suffering every day of your life...not even life.. existence. |
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Anonymous 8:34 AM Fri 28th Aug, 2020 |
I can’t cope my life is a living hell. I have pretended to everyone that it’s ok but I’ve decided to leave my AS husband. He is unable to emotionally be there at all and is so self consumed he can’t see any other opinion but his own. It creates such anxiety in me I wish I could die I suffer and he can’t see my. He ignores me. To me he is evil. I regret marrying him. I so so regret it. These people are ok for a while then it comes out again all the weird responses lack of care and it has to be their way and even your emotions will be told they are wrong as they tell you what really happened ie their own opinion . It’s like dying over and over again. I’ve finally decided to leave but I have no money and no pay check until next month so will probably have to use credit cards. I can’t live like this anymore. You think that someone cares about you and they treat you in the most despicable way and they don’t see it or get it. They will never see it or get it. There is something inhuman and very very wrong with these people. Please don’t bother you’d be better single I promise |
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RK 11:23 PM Thu 27th Aug, 2020 |
KWADWO: I hope you don't mind me responding but I did come across an article like you mentioned about the "Top 10 Terrific Traits of Autistic People" by Lisa Jo Rudy on the Autism Support network. It was very similar and in fact may be the same one you mentioned where it lists what might even be considered positive traits of Autistic individuals and how NT's or neuro-typicals are the opposite. -RK (Robin) |
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RK 9:47 PM Thu 27th Aug, 2020 |
To CEE: Thank you for sharing your experience regarding your relationship with someone you discovered had Aspergers. I too entered into a relationship with Seth's father back in the early 1980's. Back then there was not the information available that there is now on Autism and Aspergers disorders. It was not until Seth was in third grade that we went to a Regional Children's Hospital as I explained before in a previous post and he was at first diagnosed ADHD. Then in Middle School when he was probably around 13 or so he was diagnosed by a Clinical Psychologist as ASD and the psychologist felt the ADHD was a misdiagnosis. So that is when I started to acquire my knowledge of Aspergers and then realized at the same time my husband had some of those traits as well as my father-in-law. Aye,yie, yie my father-in-law had the most "pronounced traits". I "never" felt comfortable around the man. He was the kind that literally "sucked the positivity" out of a room and conversations with him difficult. I was determined Seth did not turn out like my father-in-law so that is why I worked so much with him about "how to treat others" appropriately. Seth is a quieter person than my father-in-law was anyway. He is more the man child, not the raging off-putting individual my father-in-law was. I say "was" in the past tense because my father-in-law is now passed away. As for my own marriage it has been quite the journey. It was by having a child with Aspergers that my husband and I came closer together and worked out things amongst ourselves as well. My husband may have some Asperger's traits but thank goodness they have not gone to the "extreme" as his father and he is more amenable to improving. However, he had a nurturing mother and she understood and was at least "aware' of some of my husband's difficulties. She discussed a lot with me regarding her own marriage and her son, Tim---my husband. It was our early bonding as two women back in the early days of my marriage that kept us going. Now flash forward 38 years and both my husband's and my parents have passed on. Tim and I have come a long way too---as Tim says with a grin sometimes, it's "teamwork". Yep, he and I bring our strengths to the table as well as our shortcomings. Take Care, Cee. I have appreciated your "positive" comments, which are refreshing for a change when there are so many comments on this site which are not so. Oh, and BTW my first name is Robin. |
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Amy 9:38 PM Thu 27th Aug, 2020 |
I've not written here before. But I am so grateful for the amazing sharing of information. Every little bit of shared knowledge helps so much to make sense of the dark hell we can often spend years in. I would like to answer Kwadwo. My partner really enjoys activist, protest and justice scenarios. It's something he constantly talks about and is involved in. He will easily cry about this and sings passionate songs about social justice. Everyone thinks he's the world's most empathetic and loving person. And yet has zero empathy in his personal life for those around him. At home he is cruel, mean and often just silent and distant. When I was 7 months pregnant with my daughter my beautiful Mum suddenly died, I was on my way to have lunch with her...He dropped me off at the coroner's to see her body and went off to catch up with friends. My Mum lived down the road from us and was like a second mum to our 2 year old, we saw her everyday. My partner gave me no sympathy...I spent the day at the morgue, police station etc all on my own. That night I went to sleep and he didn't say anything, didn't hug me. It's these moments that do terrible things to our mental health. To give you another example, 4 of his family members were killed in a terrible house accident. I was there when he was told by his father who was on his way to identify the bodies. It was to say the least absolutely devastating to hear (these were beautiful people we had just visited for christmas), he put the phone down and buried his head in his hands and I moved towards to comfort him but he looked up and said "oh crap, this is going to be so stressfull" (I asked what he meant and he said Oh it's just going to be such a big Hoo Haa) no regard for young people from his family dying in horrific circumstances etc. He then went to sleep, like nothing had happened. I stayed up all night watching the story of it unfolding on the news. He went to the funeral (4 held over 2 days, I couldn't go because it was so far away and we have little children). I bought him a beautiful suit to wear because he didn't own one. And he sent me a photo of himself in the suit while he was at the funeral with a huge beaming smile with a text that said "Check me out" (as in look how sexy i look all dressed up in this suit) he was surrounded by people literally collapsing with grief. It was a very creepy and disturbing text to receive. Ok, so I've established his shocking lack of empathy for the people he "loves". But in terms of why they love justice etc I think he loves the sense of rules around justice and activism and also that its acting in defiance of something. Theres a protection there you can use to feel powerful and understand your place. If you are fighting to save a forest from logging you have the love and admiration of those doing it with you, you feed your need of being in community with the people involved and the emotion involved is high, fulfilling and often against something (police,loggers etc) which is also a controlled environment. It's also easy to copy those around you, and slip into the character. It's a controlled way of getting close to empathy and experiencing the benefits of seeming to be passionate and empathetic. Which is quite addictive for someone who doesn't have that interaction naturally. Then it's so sad when they come home from that and don't even interact or care for their actual family. Next is lies.... My partner lies all the time. Even when he doesn't need to, about everything. The lying for him I think is about controlling the emotions of those around him. He will do anything not to experience an emotion. He had an affair last year and I found photographic and text evidence which was utterly devastating. But I calmed myself down and gave him a chance to talk to me about it. He told me it was her creative/fictional writing (there were photos and weeks of sexting between them) he was like a child, he could not deal with the truth of it. When he finally admitted it, he had no understanding of why I was hurt. He just kept saying he wouldn't care if I did it And would understand why I would. It's a weird combination of lies and then truths that are ridiculously hurtful. And I guess that's because the lies are for safe guarding their inability to feel empathy and the confusion that goes with that. The brutal unnecessary truth is also having no connection to empathy. So I went from lies, to him telling me awful details about the affair before I could even tell him to stop. Details that haunt me still. And for so many years this hurtful "honesty" just really messed me up until I realised he was on the spectrum. And then everything makes so much sense. But there is so much damage to heal from now. |
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Kwadwo 5:01 PM Thu 27th Aug, 2020 |
Shannon, thanks so much for your great response. I asked because of an article I had just come across listing thr 10positive traits of autistic folks: and a couple of ths points also pointed out how 'typical' people were the opposite of the said good trait(judgemental, forgetting directions, missing details, etc.). I wasn't able to share the link here. But it should be easy to find |
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Christine 2:58 PM Thu 27th Aug, 2020 |
@Linda. Thank you for responding. I have tried to put my email on here for you to be able to respond but the site won't post it. I so wish I could talk with you. Note from Admin: If Linda would like to email us, I'd be happy to pass on your email address. |
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Amanda 1:53 PM Thu 27th Aug, 2020 |
I read your posts Can I survive the years, that you all have Just wish I knew what the right thing to do is |
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Cee 12:24 PM Thu 27th Aug, 2020 |
RK: I’m glad that the info about Aspies’ gastrointestinal (GI) problems was helpful. And it’s great that Seth doesn’t have GI issues, as such issues can be physically and emotionally painful. My knowledge of autism/Aspergers is very limited, and my perspective is primarily a result of me trying to figure out a guy who once wanted to marry me. He never told me he was an Aspie, but his inability to hold a deep conversation about our potential future, his inability to compromise, his aversion toward developing an emotional bond, his rudeness (which he mistook for politeness), and my own gut feeling that he wasn’t intentionally aiming to hurt me, prompted me to do further research. After cataloging his behaviors, I realized that he had the typical traits of an Aspie, which I wasn’t aware of until after we parted ways. Even though I acquired that knowledge too late, I still feel that I treated him fairly because I never took him to task when he ignored me or hurt my feelings, I was willing to alter my schedule to accommodate him, and I tried to respect his need for personal space by limiting the times I contacted him. It’s interesting to note that he had no desire to marry until he turned 40. I also know another Aspie, now happily married, who didn’t begin dating until the age of 40. So in another 5 years, Seth might just surprise you. :) |
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Elizabeth 11:13 AM Thu 27th Aug, 2020 |
I have been in a loveless relationship now for 20 of 25 years, staying put for the sake of my children. They are almost adults, so perhaps time for change is coming. My husband is almost certainly an diagnosed Aspie. His behavior checks off almost all of the descriptors, almost scarily so. Reading the information describing a high-functioning autistic person was like reading a report by someone who was sitting in our house watching things first hand. Even more important, my feelings of emotional loneliness and disengagement with someone who is good provider but emotionally clueless and utterly self-centered now make sense. It's like a great weight is being lifted. It's NOT my fault I can't make things work. |
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RK 1:15 AM Thu 27th Aug, 2020 |
I keep thinking and saying this is my last testimonial for some time and then I read something that draws me back in. Something I read in multiple testimonials is you cannot change a person with autism and/or Aspergers. True you cannot "cure" them but the earlier they are diagnosed the more that can be done as far as intervention can have an impact. Over the course of my own experience of dealing with family members that had Aspergers I came into contact with various psychologists, therapists and even a psychiatrist. As I explained to CEE (bless her heart for her positive responses)regarding what I went through with my own son, Seth, I told her of all the therapy and work I did with him. And, yes it is work sometimes, and it requires perseverance, sacrifice and patience (something which a lot of people do not possess, including me at times)but can be "improvements" made during childhood development. Mind you these are individuals that get team effort while still in the formative years. The problem is with adult Aspies and or people on the autism spectrum can be by the time they reach adulthood they are "set in their ways" if there has never been any type of intervention before then. Although, not everything is set in stone either, some with milder forms might respond more to improving with patience and help. Hey, I can understand "why" people do not like being around these individuals it can be exhausting and draining. But hey, I had a child that I found out had Aspergers and I had two choices: to abandon him to his disorder or to "fight like HELL" to do everything I could to help him have a better life...and I chose the later. He is 35 years old and living "on his own" and I know he will never be married and I don't expect grandkids---but hey, I can live with that as long as he is okay. |
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RK 11:41 PM Wed 26th Aug, 2020 |
TO CEE----in reference to your response about studies indicating individuals on the autism spectrum having gastro disorders I did a little research on that and found that to be correct. Amazing, I did not know that until you mentioned it in your response. Yes, according to the Stony Brook researchers they found "42% of children with autism and 30% of their siblings had at least one GI disorder." Actually children with autism may have more gastrointestinal problems than other children. There are some studies that (quote), "suggested that the bacteria in their GI tracts are different." Boy, live and learn. I don't really recall my son, Seth, having gastro issues---but mm husband sure did. Thank you for adding that piece of info in one of your responses. Can I ask you a question(?). How have you gained your knowledge and perspective on Autism and Aspergers, etc.? |
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Confessions of a NT 10:57 PM Wed 26th Aug, 2020 |
Been reading all your entries every morning and I cry over many of them, for they resonate with my heart, but it also does me a world of good to know that I'm not alone and neither are any of you. I am now in the slow process of extricating myself from a 17 year marriage with my Aspie husband, he still doesn't believe he has it or that there is anything wrong with our marriage. I write on here periodically because not only does it help me work through this bizarre hell, but I like to think that perhaps writing about the different odd and alien behaviours of this syndrome can help other's understand a little better. Above all to identify what is happening before you go mad. I was oh so very close to losing my mind and ending myself. So a small observation would be that the reason we are all serious overcompensaters and chronic over-thinkers is because we are trained into being that by the Aspie in our life. They refuse to meet you in the middle because of their inability either to know how in some cases, or more often than not their decision to not do it because they hate being uncomfortable and why would they need to when they can just train their host NT to do all the work for them. I am finding now that in regular communication with neurotypical people I over explain myself constantly and have had to make a conscious effort to stop the ridiculousness. I never used to be this way. But I'll eradicate it one way or another of that there is no doubt. |
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Leilani 10:17 PM Wed 26th Aug, 2020 |
I am so grateful I found this site! I read through the testimonials in tears because they resonated with me and my experience so so much. I've been married to my husband for 5 years now, together for 7. He told me about his Aspergers when we were dating but said he was diagnosed as a child. It was mild and he had no issues with it. Boy was that the biggest lie! It never bothered me because he functioned so well in the beginning and I didn't do my research on what it really was. It's so true what many of you are saying how well they mask their behavior and then change for the worse when they can no longer keep up the facade. For so long I believed it was me. All of his actions were because of me.. I still find myself blaming myself sometimes. All the things I've read about Casandra phenomenon are true. I used to be such a fun loving, outgoing, smiley, social, confident, happy woman and this relationship has left me completely drained and often questioning my self worth. You get to the point where you have to suppress your emotions so much that it's hard to recognize who you are anymore.. I've noticed as the years go by I'm almost as emotionless as him. It's scary! I can't ever communicate properly with him because he acts like basic conversation is the hardest task unless it has to do with one of his hobbies or interest. No special birthdays or anniversaries. No caring whatsoever. When my grandmother died, who I was very close to.. he refused to go to the funeral because he just "can't do funerals"..even when I told him it was a time I needed him most. He even went as far as telling me when I die he won't be at mine either. Times like that have caused me to go into my shell and ignore him like he does me.. in hopes he'll acknowledge that i'm hurting and suffering. He never does. I miss genuine human connection. The closes thing to that I have right now is my young child who I am also worried may be an aspie. I've poured so much extra love and attention into him in hopes he will not turn into an emotionless asshole like his father. I hate to say it. I moved out of state and away from family for his career and to raise a family and now I feel completely stuck in this situation. It's so scary to read some of these stories and the thought of being trapped in this marriage for 20+ years suffering from depression and isolation is not an option for me. The lack of empathy, affection, the lies and secrets is crippling to say the least. I think the hardest part of having a relationship with a AS spouse is finally understanding why they are the way they are, wanting better for yourself, and being unable to leave because you still feel sorry for them even after all the suffering you endure. I still love him, but it has made me resent him to my core! I wish there were real support groups for NT spouses because I often just need to vent. And by often i mean EVERYDAY. Thank you for your entries, the validation that it's not just me has helped me through the confusion. It may be hard to take what's presented to us all, but know you are not alone, you are loved and so so Strong. |
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Shannon 9:52 PM Wed 26th Aug, 2020 |
In response to KWADWO, I also have read that aspies have a strong sense of fairness and justice, but you're right, so do lots of people. So why do aspies get the reputation of being especially fair and just? It's nuanced and hard to put a finger on, but here's my take on it. Aspies will take a concept of fairness and apply it without consideration of anything else, even someone else. For example, if they're into vegetarianism because it is "good" and "just" and "ethical" (as it arguably it is), at a dinner party they will say something radical and judgmental and offend someone who eats meat, such as, "People who eat meat supoort animal torture." Okay, you could make that argument, but you don't say it like that at a dinner party where some people eat meat. So they can get the reputation of being extreme in their views, or really committed to their ideals, some of which touch on ethical issues. Aspies are really into rules (the ones they favour) and following them no matter what. It's their inflexible, black and white thinking. They don't make common-sense adjustments for context. I'm not talking about breaking actual laws--most of us would never do that. I mean they are slaves to even unimportant, unstated rules, even ridiculous rules. Even if their strict adherence to rules is weird and unnecessary, they will be unbending. An example from my aspie husband is that if there's a paved walkway through a park, but there is also a nearby footpath worn by people because there's ahortcut that people like to take, my husband would never go on the worm footpath but stick to the paved walkway. Even if we're walking together and I take the worn footpath he will leave me and go out of his way to walk on the paved walkway because it was put there by the park planners and "that's where we're supposed to walk". It's like going for a walk with a robot, and it's what slowly but surely wears away at attraction and bonding, because it's so stiff and weird and offputting--to me at least. So it makes us NTs seem crazy because how can you explain to someone that you're unhappy in your marriage because your husband drives you crazy with robotic adherence to odd habits. Everyone has idiosyncrasies--how bad can it be? people would say. You're being nitpicky and intoleraant. Of course, that's just the tip of the iceberg. No one outside of the NT/AS marriage can have any idea how difficult it is, unless they are in such a marriage themselves. The real, unbearable pain is the lack of emotional support and reciprocity, the lack of teamwork and communication, but that's another post. As for your question, "is it true those with autism are less likely to lie, have hidden agendas, play mind games, etc.?" He does not lie or play mind games, which is why I could stay married to him for almost 30 years. I'll point out that I don't do those things either. Then again, I do feel he has hidden agendas in that sometimes he makes plans that he doesn't communicate to me when he should because he knows I won't be supportive and he wants to avoid conflict. This only leads to more conflict when I find out what he's planning. For example, he used to do humanitarian work that would take him away for a month or more at a time when we had three kids still at home. So he would start planning a mission and not tell me until it was nearly confirmed. He would plan a trip regardless of how it would effect me or what else was going on in the family at the time. Once he wanted to go away when our daughter was very sick. How does one ever really forget and forgive that callousness? This is the selfish, narcissistic part, the lack of teamwork and empathy. He's sees himself as a good person, and he is at heart, but he is led by his high functioning autism. Knowing this--that he is underdeveloped emotionally--alleviates my anger, but it doesn't make the hurt any less hurtful. Anyone else have anything to add to KWADWO's questions? |
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Amanda 4:46 PM Wed 26th Aug, 2020 |
Thanks for your responses’ I feel like I’m to blame for the way I feel about my ASD husband. I think I’m making it out to be worse than it is ? That’s why I feel I’m going mad?? Don’t get me wrong we have good times but I miss conversations intimacy playful Behaviour as couples usually have . I’m 52 second marriage may be I’m expecting too much of him We haven’t been married a year yet ! I still don’t know what to do one part of me says that’s it enough then I no I love him and I ll miss him But there’s something hide missing in my life I’m a loving caring women who needs love touch all normal things |
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maggie 3:03 PM Wed 26th Aug, 2020 |
In response to Phd-- you are so right,it IS a vicious circle of hell that we are caught in, in my case trying to reconcile and survive the small amounts of "good" times with huge amounts of disappointment, heartache and abuse, but he can't change he has no empathy, no insight. I have tried at times ( gently) to point out some things he could improve on or which have hurt me or the children and his response is absolute indignance then anger and rage, sulking then ultimately blaming me. I come to this site every couple of days to remind myself of the life I'm in because I have a tendency to get sucked in to his behaviours and lose myself. |
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Mouse 2:28 PM Wed 26th Aug, 2020 |
The feeling of 'going crazy' and sometimes not even knowing why, seems to me, to be one of the core symptomes of interacting with someone with ASD. I think the 'going crazy' feeling, has to do, with their lack of ability to intuitively and correctly 'tuning' in on other peoples thoughts, feelings and needs. They r just never really 'in sync' with u or other people around them. Including kids. Something is just somehow always a bit 'off', and it confuses ur mind, even if ur not really aware of it. So u feel like ur going crazy, and don't really know why, untill u get this missing piece of information about ASD. I also had the 'Holy hell'!! feeling, when i realized, that my gut feeling, was a lot smarter than my rational mind. My rational mind had no answer to my emotional respons to my partner (now ex..) so i could not even explain to others, or myself, why I was angry, and why i just couldn't stand being around him. So i actually thought i was the crazy one, and almost lost my mind thinking just that. I went through psychiatric evaluation, without getting a diagnosis, other than depression and anxiety. I often wonder how many people never finds out...Though I at some point made a decision to just trust myself, and not listen too much to advise from other people, its really helpfull, to also have an explanation my rational mind can work with. Thanx and good luck to everyone! |
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Kwadwo 12:10 PM Wed 26th Aug, 2020 |
I just had a question. I've read in some descriptions of Asperger's, that they usually have an especially strong sense of justice and fairness. I thought that most people had a strong sense of justice or hate injustice. What's different about a person with Asperger's stance on justice/injustice? Also is it true those with autism are less likely to lie, have hidden agendas, play mind games, etc.? |
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Linda 11:48 AM Wed 26th Aug, 2020 |
Christine, I would love to visit with you re: moving on from a long term autism spectrum relationship. Seven years into a marriage with an undiagnosed yet high trait husband ( and his 3 spectrum sitting teens/ young adults has opened my eyes to their unbalanced lifestyle. I have recently moved into my own personal space and am reclaiming my joie de vivre. Would love a conversation re: another being with courage, insight and the benefits moving into a new life. Loving my freedom and nourishing lifestyle, linda Perspective taking deepened my belief that my requests are valid and worthy. Maybe we truly CAN’T see the forest for the trees until we step back and view it from another angle! Blessings of peace, comfort, and relief! |
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Steve 9:49 AM Wed 26th Aug, 2020 |
Why are so many Aspies just so... annoying? Sorry, I can't find a better way to describe it. Their behavior is very grating. Aspie adults are exhausting to deal with similar to a way children can be... It doesn't feel like you're socializing with another adult. Someone once told me that it's impossible to be in a room with an AS person for more than a minute without being annoyed. |
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Christine 9:26 AM Wed 26th Aug, 2020 |
after reading so many heart breaking stories, I would really like to chat with others for moral support as I am trying to leave my husband of 16 years. How many would be interested in supporting each other through a zoom meeting? |
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PhD 9:26 AM Wed 26th Aug, 2020 |
To BeV - you said "it never once crossed his mind that maybe he should change". He can't change, Bev. The change we so desperately desire requires emotional empathy which also causes the abusive behavior in the first place. Its a vicious circle of hell. Only empathy can make people change their behavior, there are no other options. |
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RK 8:48 AM Wed 26th Aug, 2020 |
TO AMANDA-(Tues. Aug. 25th. I was not going to write any more testimonials after the several I have already added to this thread but after reading something in your testimonial I had to respond. You are not alone when you made a statement about wondering if it would be different with someone else. First let me preface things and say I have been in a marriage for 38 years to the same man and have a son with him. My son, Seth, BTW was diagnosed with Aspergers. It was after the diagnosis of our son that I realized my husband had some of the same traits and/or behaviors as our son that had been diagnosed. In other words I suspected my husband was an undiagnosed Aspie, which was probably the reason for some of the problems and conflicts in our marriage. Yeah, like you I used to wonder what if might be like with other men(?). When I met men in everyday situations I would fantasize sometimes about what it might be like in a relationship. Mind you these were people I knew in certain professions and would see for appointments, etc. Well, after I got to know some of them better just through exposure some of them turned out to be not so appealing afterall and I was left thinking GAWD, what attracted me to them in the first place? I guess maybe dissatisfaction with what was going on in my marriage. Anyway, to make a long story short I am still in my marriage after 38 years. A lot of it had to do with having a child with special needs that required a lot of my time and energy and sometimes I focused more on him than my marital problems. My husband and I have come a long way too and we have both learned a lot more about "ourselves". Could I have left him years ago---yeah, I thought about it a lot sometimes. However, I had already gone through a divorce prior to marrying him, but then I did not have a child in the first marriage and it was much easier to disengage. Now with my 2nd husband I had a child, house, property, etc. and not the best job at the time either to support myself and a child on my own. So I stayed. Now 38 years later my son with Aspergers is out of the house living on his own, my husband and I are retired and have a brand new house we are in the process of decorating and improving. Yes, there are still things I get upset with my husband about at times and he with me---but we are much more able to work things out than when we were younger. That is just my situation and it is not necessarily what will work for everyone and I am certainly not telling you what to do. I feel for you and can relate because I was where you are at at one time in my life too. I wish you the best and don't beat yourself up psychologically. I've been there, done that. This is just a suggestion but maybe you and your husband need a breather from each other for awhile if possible so you can figure some things out for yourself. Take Care of yourself. |
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Lina 8:20 AM Wed 26th Aug, 2020 |
I feel like a puppet in the hands of my boyfriend Ash. He was so attentive at first, but now he has discarded me from his main interests.. I can't bear to lose all these mind games anymore! What are the strategies you use to not be controlled by them? Is there any way to be the main interest again? It is so lonely and decompensated! I need your help, please... All the words I use or Arguments don't work. We have a long distance relationship, so we just write. :(((( |
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Cee 7:58 AM Wed 26th Aug, 2020 |
There appears to be some concern over Aspies who soak their cereal. Studies indicate that gastrointestinal problems are unusually common among people with autism. By soaking their cereal, they increase its digestibility, while decreasing any bloating and flatulence which may result from eating it. |
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Cee 7:31 AM Wed 26th Aug, 2020 |
RK: You’re very welcome, and I appreciate the additional information. It’s encouraging to know that therapy, along with your constant reminders and the positive reinforcement of your praise, helped Seth to become independent. I hope that other parents of Aspergers children benefit from your testimonial! :) |
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Bev 2:30 AM Wed 26th Aug, 2020 |
@Amber (24th Aug) and @Emily (23rd Aug), what you described is 100% my father. He would micromanage everything, and becomes explosive whenever things don’t go the way he wants it to. Whenever something upsets you, you could cry and scream and he just wouldn’t get it and he would do it again and again and again. I’ve told him I can’t stand him about a million times and he just doesn’t get it. I screamed at him, I cried, and it never once crossed his mind that maybe he should change. |
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Shannon 8:50 PM Tue 25th Aug, 2020 |
Amanda, One of the hardest things about having a high functioning aspie spouse is trying to come to terms with the good aspects of their character and the marriage with the hurtful, frustrating and just plain weird parts. I'm trying to do this too, after 30 years of marriage and just discovering my husband is oon the psectrum a year ago. In some ways he has been a wonderful partner and father, but in other ways he has been a joyless, judgmental, selfish, uncaring--you get the picture--partner and father. How do we recomcile these competing truths and decide how to go on with our marriage and lives? Somehow, over time, the weird behaviours pile up and become soooo offputting, almost unbearable. I roll my eyes and want to gouge them out when he does some weird thing again, like your husband soaking his cereal the night before, or says something falacious at a gathering, or takes another midday nap, or doesn't remember my birthday, or refuses to shovel the walkway, or says our son is "not very smart" because he got a mark under 80 on his report card, or pastes a fake smile on his face in public, or invalidates my feelings in public, or doesn't discuss a big decision to me in advance, or just doesn't ever initiate conversation... Then I remember when he read to our kids before bed for years and years, and took them to the nature museum (something he himself liked) or was just there fore me faithfully. Now that I look at it, the negative might ultimately outweigh the positive. I don't know. There is no easy answer to this. We all have to do what's right for us at each stage of life. Good luck to you. |
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RK 8:30 PM Tue 25th Aug, 2020 |
TO CEE---This testimonial is for CEE who responded to my post on 8-25. THANK YOU for your kind words. My son, Seth, received a lot of therapy when he was in elementary school. I realized something was off with him and discussed it with his third grade teacher who told me if it were here child she would pursue a diagnosis. We took him to a regional Children's Hospital and he was evaluated by a team of specialists. Their findings at that time were that he had ADHD. Anyway, he received extra help with fine motor skills, etc. in a Resource Room setting. However, it was in Middle School that it was suggested we get Seth evaluated "again". This time it was by a clinical psychologist that had done his thesis researching autism disorders (especially Aspergers) and after listing all the traits of Aspergers it was like he had described our experience with Seth to a "T". There was also further testing of Seth as well and his conclusion was Seth had been inaccurately diagnosed as a child with the ADHD. Seth did have difficulties with social interactions, getting the point or humor of jokes sometimes, plus difficulty with fine and gross motor skills and did not make eye contact during conversations, etc. Anyway, after that finding Seth got a lot more help in the way of therapy. He received both O.T., speach therapy and additional help in the resource room. It was that intervention that helped him out more. Plus I really worked with him at home on what was considered appropriate behavior and would call Seth out on inappropriate behavior. I also discussed with him the sending of cards to people---especially "thank you" cards when people had sent money and/or gifts---from there it progressed to the sending of birthday cards and ones for special occasions. I told him that is a way to show people you appreciate them and I just kept "reinforcing" those behaviors or actions. Plus I would "praise' him when he did positive things and let him know I appreciated his thoughtfulness. A lot of it was just conditioning Seth to do appropriate things and then reinforcing it with praise. He is a pretty independent person too and was the one who went out on his own pursing a job and apartment. He wants to be like other people his age and have "his own" place. Not to say there aren't still times I wring my hands over some of his decisions and obsessive interests but at least he does not smoke, imbibe alcohol or do drugs. So as our lawyer once told my husband and I as parents we had it made in that sense as there are kids that get hooked on drugs, etc. Once again thank you for your nice response, CEE. |
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Amanda 2:01 PM Tue 25th Aug, 2020 |
I just want to know if I’m going mad.. My aspie husband is a good man, and I love him, But, many of his aspie traits are becoming more evident Soaking his cereals in milk night before, Not being able to talk or discuss future Not liking big lights on His fatigue, like I’ve never known, he’s always so tired No real physical relationship, I feel drained I’ve got nothing else to give I look at other couples, and men thinking are they normal, what would be differet If i was with someone else.. That’s bad I know I just don’t know what to do..anyone suffering too |
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Cee 8:30 AM Tue 25th Aug, 2020 |
Bianca: Your ex seems to enjoy “pulling your strings” by getting engaged, then calling it off, then saying he can’t be himself around you, then stonewalling your efforts at communication, then making a half-hearted effort to communicate, then pulling away again, etc. And every time he pulls your strings, he enjoys watching you “dance” as you make frantic attempts to save the relationship. And he encourages you to keep fighting to hold onto him, even though he no longer wants to marry you, because it’s all part of the vicious game that he’s playing with your feelings. I’m no expert, but from what I understand, he is not exhibiting typical autistic behavior. Although AS people appear selfish/thoughtless at times, there’s a big difference between selfishness and deliberate cruelty. And your post indicates that your ex has a serious cruel streak. If you do 30 days of no contact, he might come back, but he won’t return to you miraculously changed. He’ll likely give you the exact same mistreatment you complained about in your post. |
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Abby 7:41 AM Tue 25th Aug, 2020 |
Holy hell. I just found out that my beautiful now (ex) boyfriend of three agonizing years is HFA/SPD. And it makes complete sense, considering I've long suspected his son is also on the spectrum. Misinterpreting and assigning intentions, outbursts, high anxiety, needing excessive alone time, and the lack or reciprocity. But also the bizarre emotional and physical cheating with the same women, like a bad broken record. I drove myself crazy looking for answers, and suspected NPD...because of the lack of empathy. I wish they came with warning labels. |
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Lou 5:07 AM Tue 25th Aug, 2020 |
There are a few weird things/behaviors I noticed with my aspergers ex? boyfriend. - he was somehow obsessed with breasts as his first question he asked me was if I would be more confident, if I had bigger breasts (very nice I know..) he would also tell me how he once felt very stunned by a girl because of her big cleavage and was therefore unable to talk to her, but he would have liked her to give him a bj (he laughed to pretend that it was "just a joke") I never had much of a cleavage so of course it made me feel self-consious - he would always tell me how extremly empathic he was, he would go on and on telling me about how sorry he feels for person x or that he felt so gulity towoards person y (for very small things) but he would never feel the same way for me for some strange reason. - he almost seemed sadistic sometimes, as he would sometimes deliberately make up things he knew I did not like, to make me feel bad or anxious - he lies a lot, he hid things from me and thinks it is okay as long as I do not know, he does not do anything bad, he once simply told me if I had a problem with something he would simply stop telling me/showing me. He also loves to gaslight as he hit on my bestf before and he texted her a lot (I have seen it on her phone back then) but he still denies it to this day - he pretends to be a goodie two shoes and would help even bad people that do not deserve it - he is very emotional and talks openly about his feelings, but does not consider my emotions. When he hurt my feelings, he will get angry most of the time - arguments are usually either like this: I get angry, he does not know why and goes into his room crying, coming back later and pretending like nothing happend or like this: I get angry, he does not understand why and explains to me a logical reason behind his behavior in a cold way, I end up crying, and he does not care. - he was more of a passive aggressive person and loved to play the take away game, meaning whenever I did something that he did not like he would for example take affection away, or upset me intentionally. |
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ann-marie 4:41 AM Tue 25th Aug, 2020 |
its our 36th wedding anniversary tomorrow. Am in bed in the attic and just want to bury my head under the bedclothes until it’s over. My daughter is staying with us and its just so embarassing that we have such a weird detached life. I gave up a long time ago. In fact I can remember being very lonely even in the very earliest days. Too late now... we live like two separate planets ..never colliiding. It has been ok in lockdown in the good weather but when my daughter leaves at the weekend I don’t know what I will do really. Well I will just carry on with this silent life... him in one room and me in another. I have always worked and had a busy life to counteract my strange marriage I think but probably much less from now. Or maybe next week I will get my energy back - lets hope so! |
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Cee 4:33 AM Tue 25th Aug, 2020 |
RK: Your experience with Seth was absolutely heartwarming! I’m glad that he found his specialty (spelling). I’m also glad that he found a career, moved away from home, and learned how to express appreciation by sending you cards, returning hugs, and saying “I love you.” Bravo! |
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R.T. 4:04 AM Tue 25th Aug, 2020 |
As I sit here reading more testimonials, that continue to validate my feeling's with my Aspie ex, and the years of invalidation and indifference I endured, I can't help to reflect on all the strange behavoir encountered and some of the similar things I'v ready. For example, one prior post makes mention of "animal abuse" from their Aspie. My ex once told me how he chased the family cat around the house and pulled his tail, because he wouldn't stop meowing. I remember thinking how cruel and strange that was, coming from a then 33 year old man. And how he didn't seem to find that an odd thing to admit or say to another adult. Or the time we were at a bar on St. Patrick's day a few years ago, and a co-worker he worked with at the hospital was there, and she saw him, and in front of everyone says "I know him, he's WEIRD!". At the time I felt sorry for him and embarrassed for him, but I now wonder how oddly he behaves at work. He also admitted to me this time around a few months ago when we had reconnected briefly, that he had gotten in trouble at work last summer for "sexually harassing" another co-worker. When I tried to get a truthful explanation from him regarding what he had actually said to make her feel so uncomfortable, enough to report to HR, he replied "something awkward. I always seem to say something awkward". He then proceeded to tell me how the same person that had "accused" him of this, had visited him in the hospital, after his motorcycle accident (they all work in the hospital he was admitted to and works at). And then proceeded to tell me that his parent's were not happy she came to the room, because of "what she did to HIM". Did to HIM? Again, his family is in denial, along with himself. Again I can relate to how they're always the victim and defensive, and everything is everyone's else's fault, even though in the same breath they'll admit to being awkward or "weird" or whatever. It's just not OK for anyone else to suggest that their behavior may be inappropriate or offensive. I think about how I could ramble off 100 nice and positive things in one conversation, but say one honest feeling or opinion about something, and if they don't like it, you're the one with the problem, then comes the rejection, attitude, etc. There's a tru hyper-sensitivity and hyper-focus/dwelling on anything they feel is an attack, which is pretty much everything. Even though they will pull a poor-elderly cat's tail. Not cool! |
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Abby 2:15 AM Tue 25th Aug, 2020 |
Where do I even begin? I am just learning that my beautiful BF of 3+ years is a serial cheater and Aspie. It was so obvious I am wondering how I didn’t put everything together much sooner than this. His son is clearly an Aspie and every time I gingerly attempted to discuss this, he became enraged. By BF had the oddest behaviors that he chalked up to being an introvert. But let’s be honest, I’m introverted and his routines surpassed most. I’ve gone down an exhaustive path of rabbit holes trying to understand him and his narcissistic ways. I’ve seriously considered NPD and BPD and to be honest, I don’t know, still. But he’s admitted to being diagnosed with SPD and his son is clearly on the spectrum - so I think I have some of the answer. Regardless, his inability to express real empathy has destroyed our relationship. Not to mention I’m starved for affection. His reaction to any minor conflict, is silent treatment. So, sadly, I doubt I will hear from him again. It really is tragic that these people do not come with warning labels. Had I known, I could have made an informed decision for my own well-being much earlier, instead of being subjected to this form of abuse. And it is abuse. |
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RK 12:26 AM Tue 25th Aug, 2020 |
This will be the last of my entries for some time. However, after reading through the testimonials in this thread there were "two" in particular I can relate to. Those two were "MAGGIE" on 8-23 and "BEAM ME UP SCOTTY" on 8-18. I am a woman in my 60's as well (late 60's) who has been married for decades and had no idea what Aspergers was when I entered my marriage. I came from a narcissistic family as well, my mother had a narcissistic personality and later in life ended up on depression medication which transitioned into compulsive hoarding. The only "girl" in the family out of three children I became the scapegoat. My mother referred to me as "difficult" right up into my 60's. She finally passed away this May of 2020 (not of Covid-19, though). My husband's father had pronounced severe Asperger's traits. Even his wife (my mother-in-law) said of him he was not a nurturing man and she wished she had played the field more. My hairdresser said of my husband's father he was "arrogant." A minister friend of the family said of my husband's father, "he acted like a rebellious adolescent." My dentist told me the women in his office did not like my husband's father. My mother said of my husband's father that he was "negative and contentious." Even my husband in later years admitted his father was difficult and did not have social finesse at times, but at the same time my husband could never admit he came from a dysfunctional family. His father passed on in Dec.of 2017. It was our commiserating about our parental experiences that brought me and my husband together. However, it was when our son was diagnosed with Aspergers that I realized my husband shared some of those behaviors and traits our son had. Then I had a name for what I found confusing, frustrating and donwnright depressing about things in our own marriage at times. Yes, my darkest days are behind me now too, but now I also have answers as to "why" some of the things occurred in our marriage and why people behaved or acted as they did. |
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Amber 6:11 PM Mon 24th Aug, 2020 |
Just wanted to ask if anyone has experienced the HFA they are in a relationship keep saying things they know hurts your feelings, even though they have been told numerous times that is upsetting and painful, you have cried and got angry but they don't seem to learn or empathise with the situation. Are they doing this on purpose, finding your Achilles heel so as a result vindictive or just plain stupid and can't learn from past mistakes. What is going on I am confused. My father-in-law keeps referring to an issue that resulted in me being very Ill in my life (I nearly died) and relating it to how terrible he felt at the time when there was nothing wrong with him, he just seems to want to get as much sympathy as he can for himself. I don't get it!! Just wanted to say I have found David's testimonials very useful thankyou. |
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Bianca 9:23 AM Mon 24th Aug, 2020 |
Struggling to move on! My Ex fiance ended things quite abruptly 4.5 months ago because he simply changed his mind and didn't want to get married. I asked him when we first started talking if he wants those things because if he didn't we should go our separate ways and his like no i want them! He then proposes after 3 months and i said yes, i didn't think anything of it because i honestly thought i had met my soul mate. After about 4 months (we were together for 1 year) he started changing and stopped wanting to leave the house as much, not go on dates, communication started dwindling but it was still there but he always initiated sex and got annoyed when I didn't want to and i explained to him that i can't just turn it on, i need to be shown love/affection and be made to want it. Anyways fast forward to 12 months in and at easter time this year he just ended it abruptly without giving me a proper explanation it was either he didn't want to get married he changed his mind, he can't be himself around me (even though i never asked him to be different and i put up with his "ways" or not wanting to leave the house, communicate, laziness etc. he could never sit down and actually have a conversation about why he ended it, he would just give me 2 worded answers. he then proceeds to ell me he doesn't want to make it a permanent thing of not seeing me and said he likes me "fighting" for us so fast forward almost 5 months later and i have fought as much as i can to win him back but all he says is "he doesn't want a relationship OR he doesn't know what he wants", he hardly communicates but we see each other still, he doesn't put any effort into trying to fix us even though his said that he wants me to fight for us and its like WHAT THE FK!! .... i beg him to at least communicate a little bit (he initially did start trying and making an effort but its like when he realized that hew as doing that, he made himself stop), i pour my heart out to him and i get ignored because he "can't process what I am saying or he doesn't know what to say" and then he says his just being himself. I tell him, yes your being "yourself" but your not a stupid guy and if you wanted to make the effort then you would (and he just doesn't reply back). Why am i even bothering fighting to win him back (even though he wants me to) when its a one sided conversation all the time unless we talk about something that he likes eg his cats, I don't understand how or why I am still trying. it has mentally drained me, has made me feel worthless (he tells me he doesn't want to be cruel to me and that I am not worthless at all) but then its like well stop being cruel! Am i that desperate to not want to be alone and to start all over again (i am 30) that I will continue fighting for a man who claims he loves me but doesn't want to put any effort it? it seriously mind fucks you, its the only way i can explain it - the WHAT IFS, maybe if i did this differently he would act this way, maybe if i did the 30 day no contact he would come back. i can feel my sanity slipping away, I am a walking zombie and i beg him to just try and make an effort and when he doesn't i say to him how can you say you love me when your actions speak louder then words? sorry for the ramble ... i dont know what to do! |
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RK 6:08 AM Mon 24th Aug, 2020 |
Some of you have probably already read my previous two testimonials, mainly regarding my marriage but this one is about my son. He is my only child and was diagnosed with Aspergers while in Middle School. Seth, my son, just turned 35 this past February of 2020. It has been a journey with its share of trials, tribulations, frustrations, setbacks and heartache at times. I can still recall when my son was in kindergarten and the children had been given pictures of cows to color. My child's picture was the only one not put up on the bulletin board because his cow was not black or brown like the other kids but red and green and just scribbled not even in the lines. However, years later in third grade a mini miracle occurred (at least it was a miracle to me). It was near St. Patrick's Day and the children had been given a Leprechaun with jointed arms and legs to color. When Seth brought his home it was "beautiful" and he was so proud of it. He had colored the Leprechaun's suit "green" and the hat black with a yellow buckle, the socks were purple and orange striped and the shoes were black with yellow buckles. The Leprechaun's face was flesh colored with reddish hair. He had really put effort into it and the coloring was even and in the lines. I hung it up on the refrigerator for St. Patrick's Day for over 25 years. When my son with Aspergers was in 6th grade another mini miracle occurred he WON the Middle School Spelling Bee. The first 6th grader in the history of the Middle School to ever win the Spelling Bee. He went on to come in 2nd in the Spelling Bee when in 7th grade. Then in 8th grade he won both the Middle School Spelling Bee and "the County Spelling Bee". He went on to compete in the State Spelling Bee. My son graduated High School in 2003, completed an Associate's Degree then went on to a Career Institute. He did have problems deciding on a particular career and problems with some of the coursework but after that found his own job and never came home to live after that. He does not make the most money but he has lived on his own for over 10 years now. He is the first to send me and my husband Birthday cards and Christmas cards. Sometimes my cards would be a month in advance of my Birthday and he would tell me he did that so he would not forget my birthday. He has gotten where he will let me hug him in his apartment before we go home after visiting him. I ask his permission first and explained to him that is what mom's do when they love their kids and want to show affection. At first he would just stand there rigid while I hugged him but now he puts his arms around me to and hugs back. It was several months ago during a phone conversation when we were wrapping things up that I said before hanging up, "I Love You" to my son and at 35 years of age he responded for the first time of his own volition, "I Love You, too." I was so overcome with emotion it almost brought me to tears. I know some of the cynics may say oh he was just mimicking you. However, isn't how most of us learn about love and affection as children by the actions of others at times. No, it has not been an easy journey at times, but I love my son and if anything tragic were to happen to him I would wither and die. He is my child imperfections and all. And as most of you know the saying, "None of us are perfect---some just think they are." |
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lorelei 8:36 PM Sun 23rd Aug, 2020 |
I'm so relieved to have found this page I could cry. This has been hell. I've been with an Aspie for almost a year - we broke up recently, and she is already seeing someone else, and it has been the most exhausting experience of my life. Being constantly on eggshells, whenever there's a problem then I need to come up with a solution, and the solution has to be either a) I modify my behaviour or b) I modify the feelings I have about her behaviour, because she's autistic and therefore set in stone. I spent so long sweeping everything under the rug because if it wasn't intended to hurt me, then therefore it shouldn't hurt me. But God, it's been awful. Just getting this clarity on it all has been such a relief. It's as though Aspergers is a sort of free pass to maintain what in other circumstances would be an abusive relationship. This has really been so destructive and soul-destroying. If I send more than one text message over three days, I feel weirdly needy. I've never been in a situation where I can't just relax into a relationship with a partner, safe in the knowledge that we're both happy to be involved with each other. It's just a disconcerting feeling. |
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maggie 3:12 PM Sun 23rd Aug, 2020 |
This message is for " Beam Me Up Scotty" from August 18 - you said it so well & you have helped me, I am a lot like you- in my early 60's , come from a narcissistic family & doomed from the start, I was & still am also the scapegoat, then I unknowingly married a man with ASD, but as you stated so well I know the hardest part is over, I am also fully aware of what I'm in and no longer in denial. The worst during my 43 year marriage was being in the dark , not knowing what was causing his obnoxious behaviours & me becoming codependent. It was excruciatingly frustrating and demoralising, I know these are dramatic words but they really are not enough to describe the despair - as many of you would know. The best thing now is being aware & having the information I so desperately searched for, that's all I ever wanted, now trying to take care of myself & stop wearing myself out trying to have a " normal" loving relationship which will never be. |
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RK 2:48 PM Sun 23rd Aug, 2020 |
Not that I am a therapist or a marriage counselor, I can only speak from my own experience. However, after reading some of the testimonials about women just entering into a relationship with an Aspie or that have been in a relationship for awhile and not married but having doubts maybe it is time to move on while you are still free to do so, before getting too involved or married and then not only having doubts but "regrets". As I stated in a previous entry I have been married 38 years and have a son that was diagnosed with Aspergers. Although, his father has not had a formal diagnosis of Aspergers he has some of the traits and behaviors of our son. My husband's own father displayed Aspergers traits as well. In fact my mother-in-law stated to me just two weeks after I was married that she felt like a "robot" and marriage was like being on a treadmill. She mentioned at a later time she wished she had played the field more. I did not know at the time of my marriage what Aspergers even was let alone hear of it until years later when my son was diagnosed with it. Yes, I will admit there were times I wanted out of the marriage but I had part-time jobs that did not pay enough to support myself or a son. Plus if there had been shared custody I feared what my son would be told by his father and my father-in-law regarding me and that he might just end up messed up and confused. Now after 38 years of marriage my father-in-law is gone---BIG relief! However, I have been affected as a result of all I went through. Do I care about my husband, yes to a certain extent. However, as for any romantic love feelings I had as a young woman they flew out the window a long time ago. To sound cliche'---it is what it is. |
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Emily 1:10 PM Sun 23rd Aug, 2020 |
Anyone who stereotypes and says a woman nags too much never met a man with AS... Just constant nagging and trying to tell you what to do, asking you when you're going to do things, micromanaging you, thinking they know what is best for everyone, etc. Also constantly trying to "help" with extremely annoying unsolicited advice and recommendations... and can quickly become insulting or even flip out if you don't listen to their "helpful advice". There is not self awareness about being annoying towards others and that this is obsessive and controlling behavior and makes them insufferable to be around. It's like living with the most annoying manager possible... Some AS have also have a narcissistic smugness and stubbornness that rubs people the wrong way as well and once again, they have no self awareness about how they come off as insufferable to others... They think their opinions are facts and like I said, the concept of being annoying doesn't exist to them. You know how a NT person can sense when they're being too irritating to someone else? An AS can't because of mind blindness. |
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Nana Tuffour 1:36 AM Sun 23rd Aug, 2020 |
@Laura, I think Kitty might need some of your advice as well. |
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Lucinda 1:37 PM Fri 21st Aug, 2020 |
I was married to an Aspie for 5 years. Did I learn that an Aspie can't give me the emotional connection I crave? Nope. I dated 2 Aspies after the divorce, also a Narcissist and I obsessed over a married man for years. All I got was one heartbreak after another. A friend of mine finally told me that she was tired of seeing me chase after men who were emotionally unavailable. Then it hit me like a lightning bolt: I was attracted to men who could never give me what I needed emotionally because my father had been cold and distant, probably an Aspie. I had Daddy Issues, just like a friend who always dated abusive drunks after growing up with an alcoholic father. It seems counterintuitive, but it is not uncommon to see someone with a spouse just like the parent who hurt them the most. Once I realized how messed up I was to keep dating these emotionally unavailable men, I was able to move on to guys who could give me the connection I needed. I guess the moral of this story is that if you go through a bad Aspie relationship, use the experience to understand why you stayed even after they showed their true colors. You may easily fall for another Aspie if you don't figure out your own emotional issues. |
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Laura 10:27 PM Thu 20th Aug, 2020 |
To Lisa who posted on Wednesday 19th August. I have been reading these testimonials for a couple of years now, and this is the first time I feel morally obligated to reply to someone. I don't normally give advice to people because situations are usually very complicated but your post is deeply upsetting. I'm worried from your last sentence that the sympathy you now feel obliged to show your aspie might be the death of you. Literally. I have never advised anyone to do this but I really really really think you need to contact a women's charity asap and look for advice on how to safely extricate yourself from this relationship. You are with a controlling,violent,angry person obsessed with knives. We all have our challenges with our aspies but this is VERY serious. Most of us DO NOT have to deal with this. This is NOT a typical aspie trait that you need to have sympathy for and one that you should definitely NOT tolerate. Please look for professional advice on how to get away and stay away from this person safely. I'm not sure you grasp the severity of the situation you are in. I don't know what else to say. |
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Karen 9:47 AM Thu 20th Aug, 2020 |
Attempting to socialize or live with someone who has AS is very difficult. They're very rude and can't hold a conversation. They will just insult and scold you out of nowhere. They can't stop criticizing everything and anyone but are extremely sensitive themselves. Often when you try to talk to them they rudely cut you off, talk over you or just ignore you like you're not even talking but they demand you listen to them when they go on their long monologues where you're not allowed to get a word in. They can have meltdowns where they yell and break things. They hate touch and are sensitive to any smells. They argue and contradict everything you say. They have strange routines and interests that they expect everyone to accommodate. Severe mood swings are another problem, they have times where they seem normal eventually followed by meltdowns and verbal abuse. They're very stressful people to interact with at all. I hate even saying this and feel some guilt. I don't like criticizing people especially if its' a disorder. But their behavior and frustrating way their brain works is way too much for a NT person to deal with. |
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Catherine 10:27 AM Wed 19th Aug, 2020 |
I am so sorry and hope I can contribute to those of you who suffer with confusion and loneliness. I realized my husband was most likely HFA about 3 years ago. Long story- not all that necessary for this comment. I got the courage to tell him what I suspected. (Took me 2 weeks to get there), his reply was for me to take a look at myself. So , I did. And have. I did a lot of research to what female HSA may look like. Low and behold. Here I am. What I want to contribute is that I work on my self everyday. I know I have improved on some behaviors. I’m able to understand my depression better. I started taking a mood stabilizer and utilizing DBT techniques. Is everything rosey now? No. But, its better. It’s a very difficult journey to wade through the absolute mud of this nuerodifference. For one thing it is so hard to put your finger on it. I agree with folks who recommended therapy with someone who specializes in HFA if you can find someone. I also recommend reading as much you can on the subject. In the meantime, I read each comment and send love, support and hope to each of you who’ve reached out. |
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Kitty 4:55 AM Wed 19th Aug, 2020 |
I'm so grateful for these testimonials. I posted for the first time just after lockdown. I went into no contact (at my request) with my diagnosed aspie ex who displays symptoms of ADHD and struggles with social anxiety. He also has alcoholism issues. Our relationship lasted only 6 months and I have not recovered yet. I miss him terribly. He is so engaging, sweet and physically beautiful. And not really capable of looking after himself. He has 'another' girlfriend who is currently meeting his needs, thankfully. I fell in love with him rapidly. He love-bombed me but the whole time he was seeing this other woman (the one who is currently meeting his needs). He claimed he started seeing her two weeks before asking me out on our first date and kept saying he wanted to end it with her but didn’t want to hurt her, etc, etc. I can’t believe I fell for this. It turned out that in his mind she was his primary gf and I was his secondary gf. I believe now that he had no intentions of ending it with her. It took me 4 months to discover that she was his main support: cooking, washing, cleaning, giving him money, etc. I hate myself for not ending it sooner. He told me he loved me in the first week of dating (first obvious red flag). After two months he asked me to marry him (another huge red flag). I couldn’t see the situation for what it was because I loved him and didn’t understand what Aspergers is. After doing endless research, I discovered he is textbook aspie: no genuine emotional connection. No eye contact during (mechanical) intimacy, various odd behaviours, body dysmorphia despite being physically attractive, special interests/obsessions, no labels in clothes, prefers porn to sex, strict routine, no vacations, would rather work than socialise, etc. He lied and cheated on both of us to keep us servicing his financial, practical, sexual needs. She was his mother and I was his 'love' interest. All his relationships, male and female, are based on people providing for him. He gaslighted me every time I wanted to discuss the other woman. He used the ‘women are too emotional’ card to shut me down endlessly after constantly invalidating and dehumanizing me. When I tried to end it time and time again he chased me, like it was a game. My self-esteem plummeted. He showed me no loyalty. He was controlling and in charge of all arrangements. I had to wait for him to call me. When I finally ended it he never called again. That was it. And then last week I bumped into him. It was the first time we’ve spoken since March. I walked past and said ‘hello’, just to be civil. Three minutes later he called and did his usual monologue at me as if nothing had changed. Telling me every single detail of the lives of his workers and his girlfriend before eventually asking me how I am. The truth is I’ve missed him like hell, he broke my heart and I spent lockdown on my own which was awful. I didn’t tell him any of this because his indifference would have upset me. I don't need to expose myself to this anymore. He has no feelings for me whatsoever and if I told him the truth of how I feel he would disrespect me for being weak. He suggested breezily we should meet up on neutral ground some time ‘as friends’ and that he would call me in a few weeks time. I told him how great it was that his life was going well, when inside I was dying. Despite all this I know that he doesn’t mean to be emotionally abusive, he just doesn’t understand that it’s wrong. His other girlfriend knows nothing about his cheating, I believe she’s bankrolling him as he recently made a bad business decision which everyone, including his siblings, told him not to do. But he ignored everyone’s advice and now this poor woman is working like crazy to pay his debts. She dumped her husband who had supported her financially for 15 years for this beautiful, lovebombing aspie. Her first language isn’t English and I'm not sure if she understands his game. He hasn’t even mentioned his Aspergers to her. Apparently he drives her crazy but he puts it down to ‘women are too emotional’ rather than his uncaring behaviour. I just really want to move on now and forget about this mess. I feel so bad about ever being involved in this situation. If he calls me this week I MUST deflect him despite being so lonely and needing him. Chaos is his way of life. He is unfazed by all the pain he has caused. But he is so childlike it’s impossible to feel anger towards him. His siblings are fed up with him. But I know he’s not a narcissist. He doesn’t get any pleasure from causing others pain. He's genuinely naive. and very vulnerable now his parents have died and he had to leave the family home. Like a child in a man’s body. I still love him despite all of this. I wish I had known about his neurological condition before I stupidly fell for all his love-bombing, romanticising and poetry reciting BS. He was just trying to act like a 'normal' person. Just saying what he thought I wanted to hear to cover up his genuine lack of connection. I've come to the conclusion that a lack of empathy cannot ever be a good thing for the partner of an aspie, no matter how much psychologists and media dress it up. This site is a godsend. I don't know how I would have coped without all these testimonials. Thank you. |
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Lisa 3:27 AM Wed 19th Aug, 2020 |
I have known my husband for three years. Only yesterday I got to know he has Asperger's. It wasn't fair to me that he didn't tell me. But he doesn't want to admit that he has it. He doesn't want to go to the therapist. All these years were a challenge. He makes me cry always every day. I knew he had some psychological problems, it was obvious. He was harming himself, he threatened to commit suicide. When I try to hug him at night he pushes me away. He never hugs me when I cry. He blames me for everything. He breaks things, insults me, hits me, pushes me. He makes scandals over nothing, he overreacts to everything. He is hypersensitive to bright light, noises, humidity, amount of washing liquid, amount of sugar and salt in food. He never listens to me, interrupts, never lets me to response. He doesn't hear my questions, he walks out of the room. He tries to control my daytime routine. He says I'm horrible to him but I don't understand why. I just try to stand for myself. Police was called many times. He is obsessed in using kitchen scales. In shops and crowded places he feels frustrated, agitated, he can run away from me on the street without any good reason. I was thinking he had a BPD. But now I know I was wrong. He drives like crazy, he shouts at other drivers, he can insult people for nothing. I thought he was just a bad person. Now I know that he is different. If I had known that I would react in a different way. |
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Erin 1:58 AM Wed 19th Aug, 2020 |
I feel so validated. There are other people suffering just as I am in very similar ways... I thought this was all because of me. I thought I was the wrong girl for him, that's why he treats me like this. Married for just over 1 year, he is undiagnosed but has aspergers without a doubt. I'm so alone. I feel like I've been trampled on. I don't know who I am, what I like, what makes me happy. All I know is that I'm waiting for another anger explosion. I'm waiting for something I said/did to be wrong. I'm waiting to hear how mean I am, how rude, how ungrateful, when I ask him to do something small/common sense (dont put forks in the garbage disposal??). He lives in his own world and I am not invited. I want out, but I don't at the same time. He is a great man, but we aren't connected. How do I live like this? |
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RK 7:49 PM Tue 18th Aug, 2020 |
I have been married 38 years now and believe me it has not been easy and I question why and how I even got into it at times. Now I am too old and have health issues to make a break to be "FREE" from it all. My only child a son, was diagnosed with Aspergers. I know my husband, although never diagnosed, has Aspergers, of course he adamantly denies it. We went for counseling at one point in our marriage but it really did not do any good. My husband just views counseling like my son does,to say as many bad or negative things about the other person so they deflect from themselves. I think my mother-in-law best described it when talking about her own marriage, "I (referring to herself) feel like a robot and marriage is nothing but a treadmill." An Asperger's person will suck the positivity out of life and leave you feeling hollow at times. They seem narcissistic because they can be so self-centered at times and just don't know how to offer you what you need. Now after an intense coughing spell that left me completely wrenched to the core to the point I am up typing this message my husband lies in bed sleeping. I don't know how he could not of heard me but like he does at other times is oblivious to my presence or suffering. He is so concerned about himself at times but my needs come second at times. He will snarl "shut-up" under his breath at times when I ask him to do something or get upset about something. It has gotten to the point where I really do not care about him either at times and don't care what I say to him either. WHY respect a person when they clearly do not respect you either at times? |
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Rosie 5:01 PM Tue 18th Aug, 2020 |
He manipulates and controls me to keep me in his isolated bubble, a slave to his needs. He tries to isolate me from my friends so I do not experience ‘normal’ and am not tempted away. He has always ignored household responsibilities (bills, etc) but spends thousands on obsessions. He struts about, governing and supervising me. He analyses at length every aspect of everything and has a meltdown if things aren’t quite right. He hides away from the world, which I must also do - in support. He tells me he is normal - and I am ‘difficult’. I must fend off visitors, and make excuses to cancel social invitations – both make him uncomfortable. He works from home and rarely leaves the house. We haven’t had a holiday for years; holidays are irresponsible because he is always ‘up against it’ OCD’ing everything or working on his obsessions. He spends countless hours on his obsessions – I must accept the fob offs and lies when he tells me he is not. I must abide by and implement his rigid rituals and rules, as these are ‘normal’, my way isn’t. He has a meltdown if I don’t ‘get behind him’ I must give full attention to the hours of monologue lectures, none of my views allowed. I must let him OCD every aspect of our lives without me interfering, I must not take on any tasks myself unless under supervision and must wait for him to make decisions because he knows best. I must accept the rages, melt downs, sulks, intimidation, bullying and verbal abuse that result if I don’t adhere to all of the above. He is never wrong. I live with permanent tension, anxiety, and the fear that results from the constant threat of his aggressive, explosive temper. I used to be a successful college lecturer with a management position. Underneath I am a creative, adventurous, sociable, intelligent human being – but he has stripped that all away. I have become a mental wreck. Why don’t I leave him? Because we are in debt due to his inability to manage his finances, I have no money and nowhere to go.. |
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Amber 4:19 PM Tue 18th Aug, 2020 |
I have posted before. Yesterday I went to a funeral and my father-in-law asked me where I was going only because he wanted to ask me a question, otherwise he would have shown no interest. I told him I was "going to a funeral", he said nothing and turned his back to me and walked away! I despair at the lack of emotional connection. Also wanted to say that I am so glad I found this site my confusion is less and i do not feel so unhappy and alone just knowing there are other people out there who get it . Thanks |
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Beam Me Up Scotty 12:39 PM Tue 18th Aug, 2020 |
This site specifically states that therapy is a waste of time, as the neurotypical's brain is fully developed, and the autistic one isn't, and trying to create a mutually supportive relationship from that combination isn't going to happen; the NT will end up being the caregiver, filling in all the gaps. That is what it has been like for me for the last fourteen years. My ASH is also ADHD (he is undiagnosed Asperger), and along with this comorbidity there is OCD and ODD. (I was not informed of any of this at the beginning of the relationship). The only reason I am still in it is because I am in my early 60s and have not worked since marriage. He is brilliant in his career and a good provider, though that's where his amazing abilities end....Unless you count the ability to sweep me off my feet in the beginning. The hardest part for me is over; I am fully aware now of what I am in the middle of; I am no longer in denial about it or try to cover for him. The one good thing I've learned from this horrific experience is that what other people say or think does not matter (including and especially him); it's what I believe about myself and how I love myself that determines my life. I grew up in a classic narcisstic family, and I was doomed as a result from the beginning (I was the scapegoat). How fortunate for the many today who have access to information on this stuff at their fingertips; it took me a lifetime to know and understand from the inside looking out. Rather than depending on someone else so we can fix things (which doesn't work), my strong suit now is making the day a nurturing one for myself; when we give to ourselves what we have been selflessly giving others, we truly begin to heal from codependency. |
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Cee 7:58 AM Tue 18th Aug, 2020 |
June: Your experience is truly inspirational! The fact that your Aspie is willing to submit to ongoing therapy in order to be the man that you need is proof positive that he truly loves you! It’s so refreshing to hear a positive story! Keep up the great work, and thanks for sharing! |
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Bev 2:28 AM Tue 18th Aug, 2020 |
@Nana Tuffour, I don’t know why they’re like that, but my ex was also really nice to strangers but never as nice and/or attentive to me. One time when we had a fight I told him he wasn’t a nice person. He said, how could I say that when he’d help old ladies carry their stuff all the time. Did he really think that’s all it takes to be a nice person? This is another thing that I noticed about him. He expected praise and adoration for basic gestures like carrying an old lady’s grocery. When he told me about the girls before me who didn’t want to date him, he really couldn’t understand why. But I’m so nice! he’d say. |
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June 3:33 PM Mon 17th Aug, 2020 |
I've been married for five years to a man with high-functioning autism and I love him more than I thought possible. He is everything I've ever wanted in a partner and more. I have never been happier. He is sensitive, sweet, caring, intelligent, loving, funny. With that said, if we had not gone to couple's therapy during our first few years of marriage we would surely be divorced now. After our couples therapy, he has continued to attend therapy individually and we see our couples therapist occasionally. In addition to many other problems, he would often accuse me of being overly emotional when really I just needed some support from him, embarrass me by misunderstanding social situations and acting on those misinterpretions, misinterpret me and accuse me of purposefully being mean to him when I was simply trying to work through something he had done that bothered me, act in ways that I understood to mean he didn't care, etc. One of his most damaging and frightening behaviors has been a tendency to self-harm (sometimes severely) when he is very stressed or feeling guilty/inadequate because he has done something to hurt me. Like many of you, these problems seemed to fully materialize shortly after our wedding. It seems like a lot of the people on this site are with partners who are undiagnosed aspies or undiagnosed AND unacknowledged aspies. I urge those of you who are deeply unhappy with such a person to relentlessly push your partner toward long-term consistent therapy with a provider who specializes in or at least understands autism. The first therapist my husband visited did not, and did not help at all, in fact only made things worse. It is important to try different therapists until you find one that works for you. If your partner suffers from autism but refuses to seek help, they are 100% abusing you with their behavior. There is help for them, and they can learn to manage their autism and better be the partner you need, and refusing to do so is unacceptable. If they refuse to go with you, I would advise you to go to therapy with a mental health professional experienced with autism by yourself, and continually try to convince your partner to come. If this doesn't work, I think at some point you have to plan your escape. Many people, especially women, are limited by finances or a lack of family in escaping, but if your autistic partner refuses help, won't go to therapy with you even after you have been going consistently, and is constantly hurting you and you are deeply unhappy, don't give up hope. Just keep trying to get out. I believe you as a NT person have no chance to mutually understand an autistic person without real, professional help. It is of course not your fault if you are unable to get out, but if your partner refuses help I urge you to keep trying. Maybe leaving will make them realize that they need help. If not, I don't think anything would. It is probably hard to hear, but I think many of the autistic partners mentioned here love their spouses and are upset that they cannot be what they need. With therapy, your partner may be able to express to you how they care about you in a way you can actually feel. There will always be things that your autistic spouse will struggle to do for you-- I think of autism as a social disability-- but with the right professional help there's so much improvement that can be made and healing that can be done. With a professional there is a real chance for true happiness. I have found it with my aspie, after all. I am not trying to tell anyone what to do, I certainly do not have all the answers or think that my experience is universal. I know many HFA people have comorbid disorders that make dealing with them even more difficult than I have experienced with my husband, and of course I don't know that other HFA people will respond to extensive autism-specific therapy as my spouse has, but I truly believe therapy to be the only hope. Going on your own is a start, but if they won't go I don't know how much progress you can make. I have tried to give advice from the perspective of someone who once was on the brink of divorce from someone with HFA and has successfully turned it all around. My autistic partner has grown so much with extensive therapy it is truly mind-boggling, and he has only had one self-harming meltdown/episode in the last two years. Good luck to us all |
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Polly 8:45 PM Sun 16th Aug, 2020 |
I so much appreciate all the things people have shared. I was wondering if anyone had had experience of situations/reoccuring arguments like these: I have many times had to defend the fact that I didn't think to clearly lay out to my partner the fact that I had to eat at roughly regular times a day. He maintains that if I am unwell if I skip meals, I should've explicitly told him, because otherwise he will think we were just doing what I wanted not what I needed. When I say I didn't think I needed to lay it out, because I expect people to understand a need to eat, he feels I'm wrong and it wasn't acceptable. That it's a habit and a choice and I should've recognised that. Also, has anyone else ever had to try and explain to a partner on the spectrum why you couldn't give them the conversations about issues they wanted because your experience of serious conversations with them were that they carried on for up to eight hours at a time, up to three days in a row, no matter how hard you were crying or how exhausted you were? |
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So tired 7:31 PM Sun 16th Aug, 2020 |
Well I'm sitting here in tears reading all these testimonials and discovering that I am very much NOT alone. I have two of my three kids dx with autism and my husband of 22 years is definitely an undiagnosed Aspie. My mental health is 100% in the toilet. Over the years. I have found that trying to teach him how to be what I need is like trying to teach advanced algebra to a kindergartener. I've lost most of my friends, my family get uncomfortable when I try to reach out to them and I'm so tired of crying, of getting my feelings crushed and him not even understanding what he's said or done that is so wrong. I get angry because I feel that it's not my job to teach him how to treat me and I'm sick of being told that I'm too emotional. I'm stuck here in this marriage because I recently lost my (casual) job and have no income so there's no way I could leave, but it helps knowing that there are 100's of other women here who understand my life. |
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Andrea 11:16 AM Sun 16th Aug, 2020 |
Everyone, I hold a Masters Degree in Education with a focus on School Counseling, and I still am lost. It hurts so overwhelming badly right now with my boyfriend of three years, that I cannot even formulate my story just yet. Just know, please, that what most have written here about the disregard and emotional stoicism (feels like neglect) are relatable. I relate. I’m in the thick of it now, and find myself, as an articulate and energetic, once-joyful woman, damaged and confused. I love him. I gave my all to him. He lets me hurt, and will repeat the same platitudes over and over without any depth. I will write again with specifics. Just feeling lost right now, like a deer in headlights. He really and truly doesn’t feel me, me, me, or care for anything other than his comfort levels and rigid routine. |
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Evelyn 7:08 AM Sun 16th Aug, 2020 |
I have felt the same about my Aspie partner of 14 years, he seems to love doing things for other people (including me during the courtship period )It's because high functioning Aspies care about their image and think doing something nice will win them friends, whereas they already have their partner or wife, so no need to bother. They don't seem to instinctively understand that you have to nurture a relationship with ongoing kindness and support, but I find it helps to explain that and then they will do it. I realize it's quite hard though to have to verbally explain so much and beg for support and kindness, which should be automatic in a good There is so much weird stuff going on , you become psychologically damaged after a while. I know he struggles because of his (undiagnosed and unacknowledged) condition, but it feels like abuse on my end, even though I know it isn't really. One year my birthday present was two books that he got of a neighbor who was throwing them out. They were nice books, but I was so hurt I burned them. He could simply not understand what he had done wrong and of course I was crazy for overreacting. I have a hundred stories like that one. |
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Cheryl 6:38 AM Sun 16th Aug, 2020 |
I just read the cycle of Rage and Family Violence and felt both relieved and confused at the same time. My mate was so chaotically aspie I only spent 6 mos with him as our son was 2yo , could not keep him safe from his father. They both needed me too much. Now son is 30 and just had meltdown day abusing a dog twice and I poked him with a knitting needle to stop the throttling, this started a mute wooden time, the next morning he grabbed his duffle bag, computer and went ostensibly to work, now 6 days no word, no idea where he is. First few days was such a relief, no more walking on eggshells, animals relaxed. I am dealing with a neuromuscular disease that is exhausting. I can't handle all this and covid. |
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Shannon 9:25 PM Sat 15th Aug, 2020 |
DIXIE, You might find some validaion of your experience with your children blaming you for all the conflict in your marriage in this article by Sarah Swenson, "Married with Undiagnosed ASD: Why Women Who Leave Lose Twice." https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-with-undiagnosed-autism-why-women-who-leave-lose-twice-0420164 "Because the reality of the situation is impenetrable and inaccessible to the children, they may create their own narratives. They may believe Daddy is a good man, yet Mommy seems to want to do everything. They determine this is because Mommy has pushed Daddy aside in order to control everything herself. Mommy doesn’t let Daddy help. Poor Daddy! Mommy is really mean." When I first read this article I was stunned by how closely the profile of the NT wife matches my experience. Since recently realizing that he is high-functioning autistic, my husband and I have begun talking to our children about this. They are now in their teens and twenties, and it's essential they know the reality of what I and their dad have dealing with. So many years I felt like I was fighting an ogre in the dark. I tried and tried getting through to my husband, who claimed to love me, but he belived everything he did was "good" and "right", that I was "a hard woman" to live with. No matter how much I tried to explain my feelings to him his uncaring, rigid, stiff, judgemental, incommunicative, pedantic (I could go on) ways kept surfacing daily. For years he said that I had "an anger problem". That's a heavy label to bear when you are really trying to do the emotional labour of saving your marriage, of preserving the bond you once thought existed. It's painful to be so maligned and blamed. I'm still with him as he is a good person at heart and was oblivious all these years to his role in our relationship strife. He tries to adjust his behaviour, he really does, but no one can change their nature. I continue on for now, seeing if and how we can live together with more harmony. I'll never have the love and bond I dreamed of having with him, which is sad. |
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Wendy 8:23 PM Sat 15th Aug, 2020 |
As I read everyone’s comments. I feel like I am hearing myself talk and grieve what I thought I had in a partnership and a marriage. I have been with my husband for over 30 years. Married together for 28 years. I love him today as much as I always have. He has HFA and the struggle everyday since the day we married was the most painful journey of my life. He married me proceeded to ignore all of my needs the minute we were together . I received no passion, reciprocal live or friendship. I thought of leaving him a month after we married due to the isolation and loneliness. I felt suddenly that I was living a nightmare. How was I fooled? As we progressed through the years his moods and need for isolation was worse every year. The addition of children and working toward a family made him more distant. We had a almost one sided sex life. I never felt beautiful or wanted. I actually at times felt like his caretaker. I wanted him to care for me . I just kept waiting. When our second daughter was diagnosed with HFA did I truly understand. I would have to accept or leave. I accepted his HFA but the anger and rage toward life grew at a strong rate. I had to leave. I miss him everyday. I still spend time with him and I always wish for more. I know I have Cassandra Affective Disorder. The end note is I feel your pain. I live it everyday in regret and sadness for loving someone who can’t ever love in the traditional sense. |
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Map 4:25 PM Sat 15th Aug, 2020 |
Hello, I am so relieved to have found this site. I’ have just broken up with my (undiagnosed) Aspie fiancé. I would not have been able to go without the clarity that reading these testimonials has given me. I felt huge guilt at letting everyone down, him, his family (who are in denial) and his close knit community, who not having lived with him, see only the quiet, smiling shell, not the stonewalling, invalidating, moody, bleakness. His poor ex wife (who being very religious and loyal to her wedding vows) struggled hard but became alcoholic. She left him ten years ago and is in recovery now. His family blamed her for the breakup but I can see how desperate and lonely she must have felt in that marriage. My relationship with him has woken me up from being a people pleaser. I will never again be a doormat to a robot. It has also given me a profound understanding and empathy for my mother who is married to an Aspie. She is choosing to stay as she feels he won’t cope on his own and I’ll continue to support them as I have always done but with a much deeper empathy for the loneliness and invalidation she is lives with. All of the disconnect and pain we are going through must be for a reason and I believe it is so we learn to truly listen to, love and heal our own hearts. To connect to our Higher Selves. To learn to sit with the pain of each emotion that crops up from our experiences and thoughts, and to wait with them till they are dissolved. I say ‘de-solved’ here as No problem that crops up with an Aspie can be rationally solved.... it has to be transmuted and dissolved from our energy field by our acknowledging the discomfort, sitting with it and allowing it to fade away. Or be removed by a higher power. Whatever our belief, the effect of giving hurts and pain the space to dissolve and evaporate means the trauma is no longer held in our bodies. No longer causing physical illnesses, no longer attracting similar relationships which were necessary to wake us up and push us to a place of healing. It is time to live this life in the truth of who we are and who we are capable of being. Happy, relaxed, loving and relishing the adventure that life can be. Thank you to Cleo 1111 who wrote so passionately, lovingly and eloquently on July the 4th on this site. Your letter brought me insight and profound healing. A turning point in my perspective. Moving me from victim hood, out of suffering from Cassandra Syndrome, (I no longer need to explain my reasons for leaving to anyone) and into a place of forward movement, optimism and connection to Self. I smile that you posted it on July the fourth, Independence Day. Thank you and bless you. With love to all. |
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Amanda 2:45 PM Sat 15th Aug, 2020 |
I’m trying to do normal things with my aspie husband and he says he loves me so much, I’m suffering wiith my mental Health, I think it’s all do with our relationship I love him Something missing in my life but I don’t what ☹️ |
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Darcy 7:09 AM Sat 15th Aug, 2020 |
@Nana Tufor , That is an excellent question. In five years of being with my Asperger man I have watched him do things for other people whom he hardly knew, such as neighbors or strangers, even in a parking lot once, but when I ask him to help me to do anything specifically for me, he would balk and say to me “I’m not your servant”. It seemed he never thought he owed me any type of respect or courtesy and over the years I realize I serve the specific function for him which did not include partnership. He simply did not want to do anything for me because there was nothing in it for him. The superficial adoration that they receive by helping strangers is noncommittal short-lived and they can MoveOn without fuss. These types of things in my opinion prop up their self-esteem where as once they have you, they don’t really care about propping anything up for their own mate. Superficial-easy-anything attracts them. Anything requiring a resonse, is avoided. |
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Barbara 4:21 AM Sat 15th Aug, 2020 |
My aspire husband was brilliant but so cold..but strangely needy too. He often appeared extremely callous and liked to put me down in front of his clever collegues. He was especially unpleasant, bullying, almost doing everything in his power..so that he would enjoy the holiday but I must not have any fun or pleasure during it. I actually stopped going away with him because he turned into a tyrant. We were together 24 years, married for 22 years and he has recently died, a very unpleasant 16 weeks with cancer..out of the blue. I thought I would feel free at last and grab life, instead I am utterly heart broken and crushed...also this virus is making it very difficult to get on with life and go forward. I am almost scared to live life after being so conformist with him for so long. Have any other recently widowed ladies, married to an aspire..suffered so much in grief..never really knowing if they loved you, it is so very painful. |
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Traumatized 4:01 AM Sat 15th Aug, 2020 |
@Nana I think that autistic people are so charming and helpful because they realize that their lives are easier when they are nice to their colleagues and what they call friends. My autistic person once said to me that he doesn't want to do activities with his colleagues. But he doesn't want to be the only one who doesn't come, so he goes and plays the happy one. I once asked him to go bowling with me when we were still in the dating phase. Because he told me how good he was at it. He said he didn't want to, even though he's the best at it (his words, not mine). He went only bowling because all his colleagues were there and he felt obliged to go as well. His only hobbies were swimming and spa because he could stare at young men. A total creep. Group activities and being kind to others were not things he enjoyed. I think I was his obsession. And he was really nice to me at first - until he knew I was hooked. Then he just became who he really was: someone who doesn't care about others. At least that is how I see it. |
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DIXIE 8:50 PM Fri 14th Aug, 2020 |
Thank you again for this informative site. I have posted previously. Many of the posts here are about the NT/Aspie relationships. I noticed not one of them mention how the Aspie is in family life and/or how they relate to their children? There was quite a lot of verbal abuse and fights in my marriage when the kids were growing up. Sometimes they would leave the house for the day and come back later. They ALWAYS blamed me. They are 29 and 30 years old now, and still think I was the B-tch. I have spoken to them in the past year about Aspergers, after having discovered this site. And their response is "Well, if you were not being satisfied, you should have left!" OMG and go where with no family and limited part-time income. On top of that they were toddlers. So my question is: How was your mate when you were raising your children? And, if you are divorced, do you share joint custody and are the children happier when with their aspie parent? Vacations with the kids were a nightmare and after 2 we stopped taking them. My husband was the 3rd child on a trip. Even now, we took a vacation to Europe and he walked away from a luncheon with 10 people and said 'he needed a breath of fresh air' outside. That took an hour! He literally spoiled my 2 girls and I think my youngest is on the Spectrum. She is going for her doctorate, unmarried and says she hates people and going outside much. She is sociable amongst her colleagues but no close friends. So, if any of you can share your children's opinions of teir aspie parent and how he related and helped with the children I would sincerely appreciate it. Thanks, Dixie (8-14-20) |
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Cee 1:25 PM Fri 14th Aug, 2020 |
Nana: You asked why some Aspies are helpful to strangers and neighbors, but not helpful at home. Perhaps it's the desire to appear normal and friendly in public. They realize that it's socially acceptable to be helpful, and they modify their behavior accordingly. But it's like flexing a muscle: they can only keep up the act for so long. Once they get home, they relax and revert back to being selfish and unaccommodating. |
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Joe 10:02 AM Fri 14th Aug, 2020 |
You will notice people with AS have a tendency to have hypocritical behavior. If you have to cancel plans with them for a good reason they will have a meltdown but if they decide to cancel plans at the last minute because "they changed their mind" then you have to just accept it. They hate any form of criticism, no matter how gentle it is, but they will relentlessly criticize and insult other people. They're very sensitive and get their feelings hurt easily but they will have no problem constantly insulting others. They don't like being told what to do but will try to micromanage others. They often won't listen to what you want to say or what to do but if they want to say or do something you're expected to drop everything right then and there and go along with it. If you have a serious problem, you will be told to "get over it" or they will ignore you but if they have a minor problem you'll be forced to hear about it nonstop for hours. Their special interests and hobbies are great and you're forced to hear about it but your hobbies and interests, of course, are stupid and you're not allowed to talk about them. |
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Cee 9:02 AM Fri 14th Aug, 2020 |
A few years ago, I was approached by an Aspie who began the conversation by stating that he didn't want any kids. Then he said that he wanted to discuss the possibility of marrying me. Only AFTER telling me what he wanted did he bother to ask for my name. Despite his abruptness, I gave him a chance because we had similar life goals. During our phone calls, he usually called me "babe" and "hun". The only time he ever used my name was when he scolded me. The irony is that he was scolding me for calling him a pet name in return ("sweetie pie"). Also, he rarely said goodbye; he just hung up the phone. After a few months, he said he loved me, and I was too shocked to provide an immediate response. Shortly thereafter, I summoned the courage to tell him I loved him too. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, he yelled at me and told me I contacted him too much (since when is 3 text messages per week too much?). He then said that he wasn't interested and hung up the phone on me. Three years later, he approached me again. I allowed him to text me for a while, but I declined when he wanted more. I can't deal with a man who calls me pet names but scolds me when I return the favor, and I can't live with a man who tells me he loves me, but explodes in anger when say that I love him in return. |
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Katie 12:32 AM Fri 14th Aug, 2020 |
I’ve posted on this site before. Thanks again for all of your testimonies!....... Although my ex-boyfriend, who was professionally diagnosed with Aspergers, had no ability to reciprocate my feeling and needs, and sometimes came off as a Narcissist, I still maintain that he was not a Narcissist. The commonality between to 2 different spectrum is that they are both low emotional intelligence. He did not seem to gain pleasure from causing chaos, or misfortune on others like a narcissist does. I did want to add this time though that he was not physically abusive, and talked about being against physical violence with me, but he did get physical once. This man seemed alright with hugging, but he absolutely hated it whenever someone patted him on the shoulder or the back. I saw him lose it once, when a new neighbor tried to have a casual conversation with him, asking him about the neighborhood and then told him, “that’s great”, while simultaneously patting him on the shoulder; he lost it yelled at him “don’t pat me”, immediately turning the moment awkward and sour. One time, when I was alone with him I remember it was close to the holidays, and while I was talking about an upcoming even I, without thinking, gave him a pat of encouragement on the back, and he suddenly picked me up by the neck. He dropped me within the first second or 2, and while I was there shaking, startled, and catching my breath, he said “Don’t pat me!……I shouldn’t have grabbed you, but you should know not to pat me!” I never knew why he hated being patted so much, but a month or so later, I remember accidentally doing it again, and the very moment I realized I was I was doing it I immediately broke down and said “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Please. I’m sorry. It was auto-pilot, I swear I meant no harm”. Instead of trying to calm me he just said, in a cold manner, “I’m glad you remembered so quickly, that I hate being patted.” |
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Bev 7:36 PM Thu 13th Aug, 2020 |
Katherine (12th Aug), if everything is going along fine, and you're happy, maybe don't think about the possibility of the marriage falling apart in the future just yet. Why not just enjoy the ride for now. Life is short. If you're happy in a relationship, enjoy it until you don't. I get that sometimes things are more complicated than that, which is also why being independent is the most important thing for me because you can leave whenever you need to. You've been with him for 5 years. It's a long time. If he hasn't given you any reason to be worried then don't think too much about it yet. |
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Amber 4:56 PM Thu 13th Aug, 2020 |
I am living with my husband and we moved his father(78 years old) in with us 3 years ago as he was not coping living on his own after his partner had died. He was not washing, had let his house become a health hazard, wouldn't put his heating on, the list goes on, when he lived there with his partner it wasn't much better. We had originally lived with him when we were in our 20's when he left my husbands mum but we were at work all day and partying at night and young so did not notice what the real picture was but in retrospect my husband became on occasions very frustrated at his father's lack of organising anything. Also they are both musicians and play the same instrument but his father showed him no encouragement or gave him no compliments.We also sorted everything out even though we were 23 and he was 48 supposedly having had more life experience than us! I feel at a loss of how to deal with him. We have done so much for him over 35 years, sorted every issue out for him as he seems clueless as to how to organise anything in a efficient way, he once nearly gave all his savings away on some scam and this was 10 years ago so age cannot be blamed. We have done his house up, which he inherited from his partner, he has never bought or sold or even organised renting a house on his own, he is totally reliant on us and in the past his partners to do everything. Every job you give him even as simple as washing up he does it resentfully and takes ages over everything as he does with every job. He used to shout at you when he was younger if he didn't want to do something and one had asked him for help. This now does not happen and he looks at the floor , won't say anything and gives you periodically resentful looks. You end up frustrated , shouting because of this saying things you don't want to then feeling so guilty that you are a bully. Once this has happened you spend hours questioning your behaviour and sanity whilst he sits happily watching TV, usually a programme he has seen numerous times. He reads the same type of book over and over again and is obsessive about this one subject which he becomes bombastic about when he wants to talk about it The list goes on. The worst aspect I find and struggling to deal with is the total lack of gratitude or recognition for what we have or others have done for him and trying to get allies outside the family by appearing weak and telling people we are not getting on but never explaining why just being silent. Has never told anybody all the things we have done for him e.g We were with him right till the end when his last partner died of cancer he then came and lived with us for awhile afterwards, we have dealt with all his medical appointments he nearly killed himself going through his greenhouse window and my husband had kept telling him to stop cluttering up his garden paths but he refuses to do anything you tell him. You eventually give up trying and then something occurs and you feel guilty that you did nothing about it. My husbands mum who was with him for 25 years felt emotionally neglected, unsupported and virtually all decisions were made by her. She says he "never championed her" . Describes situations where her son (my husband) as a 4 year old boy had a very serious operation and his father went on holiday that week and left his mum to be there not phoning once to see how it had gone. He also refused to drive a car when the children were young because he wanted another one . The list is once again endless. Of course at the time due to the mother's frustration and anger he managed to convince the children that she was uptight and a bit of a tyrant so he became "cool musician dad". As they got older she used to try and explain her position and is highly relieved that at last someone gets it. He can say hurtful things through his lack of interest in your life, he shows no interest in his grandchildren one of which is disabled and is now 30 but still does not know what his medical diagnosis is. He has had one or two moments when he has shown kindness but it seems it has to be something he relates to e.g he is obsessed with dogs sighthounds in particular of which we have 2, probably where the obsession began, so when one of them went missing for a couple of hours he comforted me and said not to worry he will be back. When we asked him to help out with the dogs thinking this might give him an interest in life he flatly refused to follow our training allowing them to eat off his plate, take up all the room on the sofa etc. He is ritualistic, routined gets aggravated if you suggest doing something else and has obsessive compulsive habits. Eats all his meals at the same time, fussy over food wont cook. I absolutely feel he us a high functioning autistic person but of course because of his age has not been diagnosed and I feel it's too late for him to even attempt to help himself so what would be the point in him getting a diagnosis. Anyway he would not engage in doing it. I feel lonely in my frustration anger and guilt as my husband who thank God is a very caring loving person has the ability to let more go as it's his dad. I feel I don't want to be around him i either want to shout at him or not talk to him and for the last year i have lived my life in this emotional yoyo. We are in the process of getting an annexe built so we can have more separation and i hope this will give us the distance we need. I just need to learn that he can't help it and he will just never be grateful and akways expectant. |
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Nana Tuffour 9:43 AM Thu 13th Aug, 2020 |
I just had a question. It's been really interesting reading your experiences. I've read from some of you that your aspie partner is really helpful to strangers, neighbors etc., but does not give you much attention, help in the home. I'm just curious, what is behind that kind of behavior? |
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Kate 9:02 AM Thu 13th Aug, 2020 |
Greetings, I’m wondering if there is an online support group - perhaps on zoom - for NTs. I’m starting to believe my husband is undiagnosed AS ( having learned more about AS after my grandson was diagnosed - though they are not blood related). I’ve since read several books about couples where one is AS And this has helped me cope and relate to Him differently. But still, there times and things I feel it would help to have a group to discuss with. I’m in Texas USA. |
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Worn Out 11:34 AM Wed 12th Aug, 2020 |
To Karen that lives outside of London: leave this boyfriend of yours ASAP. I missed the red flags with my husband years ago. In all fairness, he was not diagnosed when I met him, but I knew he was different. He is incredibly intelligent when it comes to math and science, and that attracted me. However, he was cold, rude, and selfish. He still is many years later. ASD will destroy you if you need the emotional connection that most all of us neurotypicals need. Trust your instincts. I married and still have a daughter at home, but I will break free. Tomorrow I will file the divorce petition. If I can divorce and reclaim myself after over 20 years of marriage to this Aspie, then I can die a happy woman someday. Good luck to you. |
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Cee 10:55 AM Wed 12th Aug, 2020 |
Katherine: There’s no guarantee that your current Aspie will become abusive like your ex. Why burden yourself with premature worry? As long as your current marriage is working, relax and enjoy it! |
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PhD 9:37 AM Wed 12th Aug, 2020 |
To Katherine (Wed 12th Aug, 2020). Hi, thank you so much for your post, I found it very interesting. If you don't mind me asking - why are you feeling guilty? Also, was your husband officially diagnosed or you are suspecting he has Asperger's? Thank you!! |
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Fairlie 8:33 AM Wed 12th Aug, 2020 |
This message is for Katherine - married to someone with mild symptoms. I'm very happy to hear that things are going well for you and your husband! I'm now in a happy relationship but it's been a rocky road at times. The struggles we've had make me appreciate things being stable - more 'normal' now. I've written a few posts here that describe what has helped us. As you see, most of the people posting here, had (or currently have) very bad experiences and can't imagine being happy with an Aspie partner. They usually see no other option but to split up - some already have. Many years ago, I left a very abusive Aspie husband after 3 years together. I suggest continuing to enjoy and appreciate your relationship! You're not alone - there are other happy NT/Aspie couples! You could do more research and learn how successful couples have overcome difficulties and strengthened their relationships. There are more resources than in the past - even on-line marriage sessions and other internet support groups. If you were to run into problems, you'd be better equipped (with tools and resources) to deal with them! Thanks very much for posting a Happy Relationship story! 'Love to you both! |
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Katherine 3:15 AM Wed 12th Aug, 2020 |
I feel kinda guilty for saying this but after a horrid relationship with an aspie man who verbally and even physically abused me,I married an aspie again somehow but this time it WORKS? his symptoms are so mild unlike my ex I didnt even notice!!! He seems like a neurotypical but a bit quirky. I've been married for 5 years and everything is good but should I be worried? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. :) |
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Hope 11:05 PM Tue 11th Aug, 2020 |
I dated an Aspie for a little over a year. He wasn't diagnosed until he was in his early 20s, but he never really accepted this diagnosis, and although he admitted that "it does fit me to a T", he would get defensive if you tried to talk about it with him. He told me early on when we first got together that "my life is fu..ed up", and “I am not really a nice guy”. He was so nice at first though, and when we first met I was drawn to how emotional he was, as he cried when I explained my volunteer work with elderly people, and how lonely they can sometimes be. He fixed my road bike, at a discounted rate. And when we first got together he was so sweet, when we were in bed together; I now believe he was just able to overcome his normal insecurities due to the chemicals of euphoria that come with a new relationship. When the honeymoon phase ended within a little over 1month into our relationship, all intimacy ended to, and was reduced to nothing more than awkward, quick, dry peck on the lips. When I tried to initiate he became very hurtful at times, so I eventually gave up. Like Katie (on 7/29) he talked about sex all of the time, and the psychology around sex, and yet my obvious gestures, demonstrating the need/desire for intimacy were seemingly invisible to him. Everything had to be on his terms, and I had to go to his place, and couldn’t do anything without him, once I was at his place, or on his side of town without him having a meltdown. He only woke up, went to bed, went out on a bicycle ride with me when he felt like it; it didn’t manner if I wanted to or not. One of the first clues that I should’ve left the relationship earlier, is when he talked about all of his ex-girlfriends working out in the morning, before they would go to work, and he could only see that as them choosing not spending time with him, even though he was asleep. He too had an erratic schedule and no normal job, and was definitely not a morning person. The more I spent time with him the more I realized that he was just a dark person, with very black and white beliefs. Along with the obvious sensory issues to noises, inseams on clothing, and tags in clothing he had an overwhelming fear of Earth ending tomorrow, that completely occupied him for days at a time. He would get immensely depressed when we had an unusually nice, warm day in winter, because that’s global warming and it means that Earth is seriously near its end; He wouldn’t even go outside with me to enjoy the weather, because it scared/bothered him too much. He had a car, but driving gave him anxiety too, mostly because of the pollution issue, and he would never drive over to see me, but expected me to always come to see him, when he felt like it. This guy loved his washing machine, and wouldn’t dare let me touch it, and eventually I didn’t even bother trying to get laundry done at his place, because everything had to be so particularly his way; no clothing left inside out before going into the wash, everything buttoned up, and god-forbid I left a penny in one pocket, that could’ve hurt his machine. He would only watch one theme of movies and shows, and that was science fiction. Most dramas were "for stupid people" only, because they didn’t take the brain-power to create, like science fiction does. He watch repeats of star-trek so much that it was unreal. And going back to his black and white thinking; all religion was bad, and anyone who was rich was bad and destroying the earth. I couldn’t talk about a new discovery with the Egyptian pyramids, because they were “evil creations, only made possible by religion, which he hates”. He used his hate for religion as an excuse to ignore me on holidays too, when I really wished to share time with him. Towards the end of our relationship, I couldn’t even look out at the view over a lake, because a beautiful mansion with lots of the land, may be standing in the view, which he saw as disgustingly wasteful, and just rich people bringing the world to an end. He couldn’t even appreciate a rich person donating the funds for the state wildflower program, because the were only able to do that since they are rich. All Democrats are saints and never commit crimes or treason, while all Republicans and most Independents are stupid, and evil, and could never do even 1 thing right. I was so ready to leave by the time I was 9mos into the relationship, but I cared about him, and really felt that if he decided to actually put in some effort, his life could greatly improve. They never change though, and the projecting of his own insecurities onto me became really apparent; he would tell me that I had no ability to make emotional connections with others, and was a terrible communicator; both of which were his issues. He would never compliment me after the honeymoon phase, nor ask me how my day was, or how I felt, and would consistently criticize me. At the end of the day though, he would often tell me he loved me, and I would think to myself, “how could this be, when everything he says about me, makes me feel worthless.” Although he had no close friends, he had several girlfriends before me, most likely because he was so good looking, and could put on a good "act" sometimes in social settings, even though everyone could tell he had no sense on when to stop talking; he would tell me too, the few times after a social encounter, just how exhausting it was to him to be in a social setting, like a festival or party. This guy was in his late 40s and his Mom, who lived 3 hours away, gave him an allowance, which he lived off of. Things that I've heard about my ex's deceased father, made me feel that he was likely an Aspie too, and his mother suffered greatly because of it. I think my ex's Mom knew her son was deeply troubled, and she was worried sick about what future he'd have after she passed away. He never did seem to have any ability to think about or plan for the future. My ex's Mom gave him only enough monthly to just barely make it by, and he would promise to get a normal job again if I moved in with him. Along with this trap, he used guilt baiting on me all of the time, when things weren't 100% his way; ex. "I promise to do this with you or come to your place for the first time, only if you don't plan to do anything other than hang with me next weekend". The few times that I fell for his guilt trips, he didn't keep his promise, and my whole weekend was wasted for no reason, I felt. Furthermore, this guy always talked about his superior IQ, and said to people all of the time "I'm smart" and "most people are dumb". Towards the end it really started to make me sick how I heard several times, every day "I know this, because I'm smart". He was very intelligent in some ways, but most successful, truly intelligent people that I've known, are people that I could never even dream of saying the phrase "I'm smart". It made him look so snobby, along with the fact that he was extremely good looking and knew/boasted it. This guy hardly had to to work out at all and he knew he was extremely lucky in that manner; a guy who knew he didn't work, asked if he could help his contractor group for 1 day once, in building a porch, and his arms were bigger from just that 1 day of hammering nails. Yet, he would be overly critical to anyone who was even slightly overweight, and even got into trouble with a few people for telling them that he noticed that gained weight, and that they must be over-eating; keeping it to himself never crossed his mind. He began feeling like a he was a clingy immature child in a man’s body to me. Just over 1 year into our relationship, he asked me to marry him, in the middle of a fight that he was losing, and I had to stop and tell him straight on that he had no idea what partnership was. He just wanted someone to take care of him; I knew then and there that I would always feel like a Mom to this clingy, emotional child in a mans body. It's been a little over 1-year since I broke up with him, and life has improved immensely for me, because of the decision. I'm just 5mos into a new relationship. and couldn't be happier. The reciprocation that I get, in my new relationship, is a complete 180 from my aspie ex. I unfortunately did have to cut all ties with my aspie ex, for now, because although he was far too lazy to every come over to my place, he, like many other Aspie's in these testimonies, just did not get it and would email call or text, like nothing ever changed; calling me by the corny nickname he game me when we were dating, and sending me more lovey dove messages than he ever had when we were together, or just sending a picture of me and trying to guilt me by saying "this is when I thought you were a nice person." Then, one day several weeks after I broke up with him, he saw an online post that showed I had been within 1 block of where he lives, and he had a wild emotional melt-down, sending me a dozen multi-paragraph long texts between 3:00am and 5:30am, because he doesn't live a normal schedule, on how he saw I had gotten very close to his place and didn't even bother to say hi, and that he had likely broken his hand punching the wall, and was now outside shivering to death in the cold parking lot, for fear that he would hurt himself more and break more stuff. I of course woke up to all of these messages, later, because my phone was on "do not disturb", and was terrified. After he tried this with me 2 more times, with suicide threats, etc, I realized I had to cut all ties. I would've been happy to try and remain friends, but he ruined it; he doesn't get how to handle his emotions like an adult. Aspies can seem much like Narcissists at times, and please do realize that you can not change them. They'll never be able to provide you with the emotional validation you need in a partnership. My advice...avoid ever getting into a relationship with them! |
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Cee 8:57 PM Tue 11th Aug, 2020 |
Amanda: You asked if an ASD person can gradually become more Aspie. I can't say for sure. However, once a person becomes more comfortable around you (whether ASD or NT), they tend to show you more of their true self. Any masking or guarded or "scripted" behavior gradually falls away, and the end result might be shockingly different than the person you initially fell for. |
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Gina 5:31 PM Tue 11th Aug, 2020 |
To Emma When it was just me and him cynical critical grumpy and controlling Your assessment is totally correct my undiagnosed Asperger's ex was the same also (diagnosed with dyslexia and colourblindness as a child/possible ADHD) many years ago I met my ex through mutual acquaintances. He appeared nice calm ect at first But from the beginning something was just 'off' with him ....... 1 month of weekly dates which he initiated .....but I also felt the 'script' Like he was asking because he felt he 'should be doing that' rather than because he might have been genuinely excited to do so After a month and noticing the robotic stiffness the communication barrier He would invite me on a date claim to have a good time .....then would not contact me for 4 days. Same pattern week in and week out Couple of compliments at the beginning about how beautiful I was. Then NOTHING Intimacy too started off good After he took me to a comedy show to see my favourite comedian book hotel dinner etc He waxed lyrical about how amazing it was to see me laugh so much and happy and what a great time he had Yet during the comedy show although he claimed this comedian was a favourite of his also .......he kept saying 'he didn't get much of what the comedian was saying'. And he didn't really laugh much I noticed On return I gently told him we should not continue seeing each other as the month had felt really odd He got really defensive saying he felt it was going well etc The flipped it all around on me saying he didn't understand my way of thinking how I see the world or the universe and that he didn't feel we were compatible I said ok he then asked at that point if we could be friends Within two weeks he claimed I had been too quick to dismiss him Like you not knowing at that point I too felt I might have been a little harsh perhaps We continued on but another month and a half later .......the gaslighting had started Same pattern of behaviour also a date then nothing from him for 4 days When I confronted gently his constant critisisms My ex told me he was critical of everything and everyone Non verbal communication not much affection. Until it got to the point I didn't want to be intimate with him anymore Because i understood he was totally about himself self absorbed only concerned with his own needs during conversation stated his refusal to compromise ...... He would say things then deny saying them. Insensitive to the feelings of others around him But took EVERYTHING himself as critisism There was no point trying to confront anything. Met with defense he was always right So no resolution I ended things with him again He again tried to come back a 3rd time!!!! But at that point like you I got on the defensive And told him a firm No. He couldn't actually understand Why I didn't want to continue with him? So in the best interests of us both at that point I cut him off completely Started researching and ended up on this site Then the penny dropped Asperger's Because of social connections myself and my ex did speak again after 2 months I relayed my experince to him he did acknowledge how I was left feeling like he was indifferent to me ..... While he claimed at times with words quite the opposite However when I talked about Asperger's to him and that I believed he had it I knew by him that was something he wasnt quite ready to admit to I struggled while seeing him to understand how a man who ran a successful maintainence business was well travelled Did appear to have friends etc On an emotional intelligence level seemed absolutely quite frankly clueless I believe now my ex knew he had this But good at masking it. And in the beginning they can appear normal and calm enough initiate dates give a few compliments etc But then you notice what you see as calmness etc Over time the lack of emotional expression. Lack of empathy becomes clear As an independent girl myself I liked my ex because I thought he was fostering that independence as I am also a person who takes things slow likes her own space etc and have other commitments However you realise it's because they are essentially not very interested in your activities or your work or much interested in you as a person perhaps Although again they claim the opposite with the words Hence that is why they are so confusing to deal with As per the testimonies here even if you did know it's Asperger's/ASD The relationship difficulties will still present I think with Asperger's men they make effort at the beginning then once they think they have you. It essentially stops The lady who commented on this thread married many years I believe also is correct That they seek the 'replacement' mother figure Because at times myself because my ex seemed so clueless on an emotional intelligence level I did feel like I was mothering a stubborn wanting his own way mostly teenager When I spoke to my ex after 2 months he said he 'didnt set out to intentionally hurt anyone' Which I do actually belive. However I had to explain to him that weather intentional or not The effect of his behaviour on the intimate person was essentially the same My ex and I speak occasionally by text As we only live 15 minutes apart in the same area and still run into each other socially As one of the ladies stated below she has no interest in the girlfriend/boyfriend thing with her ex and neither have I However I do support him on and off as a friend He does come to me for advice at times which I give My ex stated to me that he hoped we would both find someone who was 'worth it' and that for him giving up on finding someone was 'not an option' I think my ex will continue to date and not disclose the fact that he has Asperger's/ASD and continue to try and mask/hide it Also as one of the ladies mentioned on here When I spoke to my ex after cutting him off for two months He picked up the phone referred to me by the pet name he had for me And spoke to me like he had only spoken to me the previous day They are never really 'in it' to begin with essentially When you spoke Emma of the handshake at the end a Bye and that was it That's the way they are. They just continue on in life More than likely until the next female they meet who gives them attention or shows interest in them Please try not to take it personally People who have a lack of empathy I would also assume wouldn't have much of a conscience or much feeling of remorse or self reflect much on how their behaviour affects others They are not going to Morph into a caring sharing romantic emotionally supportive communicative boyfriend with the next female More than likely the exact same behaviour will emerge. I felt a little guilty but thanks to this site and reading the testimonials of the wonderful people on here and their open and honest assessments I know I made the right choice to end it with him. I sincerely hope for happiness for every one of you Sending hugs today to all |
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Worn Out 2:02 PM Tue 11th Aug, 2020 |
I am about to file for divorce from my high functioning ASD husband of almost 21 years. I cannot take anymore. He used to ignore me and put me down, but also very jealous when other men tell him he has a cute wife. So now that I told him I want out, he is becoming fixated with me. He sends me awful long emails that are rambling on about peculiar topics such as emission tests that his car needs to pass for DMV. He agreed to the divorce initially and now argues about everything in the petition. If I change it to suit him, then he changes his mind back again. The only thing worse than dealing with him, is his mother. She has some sort of power over him, and she resents me. About 5 years ago, I had enough. I have zero interest in him. He is a clingy immature child in a man’s body. He has never fully accepted his ASD diagnosis and becomes incredibly defensive if I talk to him about it. He also has inattentive type ADD. The combination is awful, and I truly have began to wish I had never met him. I will be free of him even if I have to run away and hide and get a new identity. If you find yourself in a relationship such as this, please leave ASAP. Do not turn out like me...worn out and exhausted. There are not enough words to fully explain the extent of the devastation that being in this relationship has caused. |
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Amanda 10:25 AM Tue 11th Aug, 2020 |
I’ve posted several times, my ASD husband has good days and bad: I do find this helps posting, cos I know you all understand. Can a ASD person gradually become more aspie.... since marrying him many things have changed, he has now got a routine of making his breakfast before bed, porridge and puts it in the fridge overnight.He likes cold porridge, he told me he usd to do it when he was younger. I know that’s not the biggest drama out there, but I read you’re stories and think it will get worse. Only just been married a year, I love him dearly, but try to convince my self we ll Have a long marriage. He tries very hard to please me, cooks me dinner, that’s how he shows that he loves and cares for me. When we were shopping recently, newspaper headlines said possible lockdown, he laughed and joked in front of cashier about spending 12 weeks in lockdown with him, he thought it was funny, I didn’t. Some days, he’s normalise, other days it’s hard to see a future for us At the weekend, he had to lie down he said to calm his body down ? I don’t get that? I asked him...he said cos his body was hot I’m so trying to be positive, and live each day, but something in me says things aren’t right.. So my question is can it all get worse, already been through quite a lot with him, It’s ok now ish, but what about future.. It’s like having another child someday s x |
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Valerie 8:04 AM Tue 11th Aug, 2020 |
I am one month out of ending a 5 year relationship with an undiagnosed Aspie. The many peculiarities and oddness I had seen during that time I attributed to other things...childhood trauma, lousy past relationships, insecurity, etc. He is not the angry, insulting type so many describe on here. He just does not connect on an emotional, human level. He is hollow, devoid, detached, disinterested. We are both older adults...I am 60 and he is 71. I have always seen that there is a “dead spot” in him. He never gets angry, excited, happy, frustrated, none of the normal human reactions one would expect. Completely flat. I have heard that most Aspies have a special interest. Well, I think I was HIS special interest. The love he claimed to have for me was really obsessive attachment in my belief. I was his special interest. He used scripted, well rehearsed, copied things he heard or learned to try to create the facade of a real relationship. In the beginning I thought, wow, how sweet and genuine. After a while it all seemed fake to me. And it seemed fake because IT WAS fake. Aspies aren’t always as clueless as we might think. They know enough to say and do the right things to secure their place with us. They will give enough to make you think you have a real partner, but the truth is they are not giving from their heart, they are giving to maintain what they are getting from YOU. At the end of the day, it’s all about them, their needs and wants. As soon as you need some emotional support from them, forget it. They’re not really there for you. I know they didn’t choose to be this way, they’re wired differently from us. But if you have any ounce of self respect, dignity and a desire to have a fulfilling life with a partner who is fully present and emotionally available, steer clear of the Aspies. They will bitterly disappoint you and leave you questioning your own sanity and reality. |
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Cee 5:59 AM Tue 11th Aug, 2020 |
Joe: I don’t think your former friend’s lack of hygiene can be directly attributed to AS. I’m acquainted with a couple of Aspies who are VERY particular about cleanliness. |
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Vanessa :) 5:36 AM Tue 11th Aug, 2020 |
Hey Joe, I had a similar horrid experience with my ex boyfriend. He would focus for hours on his special interests like LEGO or transformers but hygiene was off the table! He would refuse to bathe for days, sometimes even weeks it was so bad I gagged! I remember A man shouted at him on the street to effing bathe, that he reeks like hes a rat that died in a sewer and threw soap at him and it was so humiliating! My friends also hating being around him because of the smell! I had to beg on my knees to get him to bathe and he had the nerve to complain about me being a "too prissy and naggy b**ch" WELL EXCUSE ME YOU SMELL LIKE A SKUNK SPRAYED YOU AND NOBODY WANTS TO SMELL THAT!!!! UGH! AT least he settled on wearing Lynx around my friends I guess.... IM SO GLAD I BROKE UP WITH HIM!!! MY FRIENDS WERE RIGHT I COULD DO BETTER THAN HIM!!!! WHY DID I DATE HIM FOR SO LONG?! Thank God my now fiance knows what the hell a shower is! AS for him well GOOD RIDDANCE TO BAD RUBBISH!!!! |
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Screaming inside 3:41 AM Tue 11th Aug, 2020 |
May I just express my thanks to Bev and PhD for your responses, support and affirmation. To Bev (9th Aug) - I feel your pain and our stories are indeed, eerily similar. Wishing you strength as you detach from him and see it for what it was. To PhD (10th Aug) - Thank you so much for taking the time to provide such a detailed response. I suspect you're absolutely right about him probably already knowing yet keeping it from me. I had kind of joined those dots in pencil but you have helped me to go over them in thick, black sharpie in order to see a clear picture. Nevertheless, I wish my 'probably Aspie' ex well in my heart but will continue my walk away from him for my own sanity. Take care all x |
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Karen 10:13 PM Mon 10th Aug, 2020 |
Hello, I note that this is an Austrailan site.I live just outside London and found what I've read to be be very eye opening. I met my bf 18 months ago on a dating website.He was very lovely, full on, always attentive and full of compliments. Then after about 6 months it all stopped.Of course I thought he had lost interest and /or was chatting or met someone else. He seemed so withdrawn and was saying and doing very hurtful things.But continued to say he lived me but didn't behave like he did. He took.me to his dad's wake, left me all evening with an elderly uncle, did not introduce me to many of his oversee relatives.Then took me home so he could go back for a family meal. Another occasion we went to a ball ( he's in the reserves) he stayed with me for maybe an hour then the next 4 he left me at the table while he spoke to his army friends.Luckily I'm very socially apt.I talked and danced with those in the hall. I find it very hurtful when he looked at 2 flats and didn't need me to view them. Or really didn't see the problem with spending Dec 23rd to 26th with his niece and mum. So we split for 2 months after a row( he lied and said he was going to Wales and I fought him out near his place) he said he needed space so lied. He walked off and acted like I never existed. He did not reply to my 4/5 emails. Then 2 months later said he had to move and would I like to see his new flat. He raley converses, never talks about his feelings, I get nothing back when I try and talk to him.He often barks at me rather than a 2 way conversation.He needs his time alot, is very into his cycling and I'm often unimportant in his life when he's busy with work, army, cycling or his friend visits( every monday) I'm suffering with anxiety, I'm confused, lonely and a shadow of my chatty, funny self. I've approached him about being on the spectrum and said we need some counselling or our relationship won't survive. He hasn't responded, won't talk about it. I know 101% that he is aspergers. I wish I could say that I can just walk away. My friends thought at first I was just being sensitive but now say that's him.He won't change.But it's so hard to keep trying to not take his behaviour personally. |
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Cee 8:11 PM Mon 10th Aug, 2020 |
Elodie: Ask yourself if one day of regular behavior from your Aspie is enough to compensate for five years of bad behavior. As long as you and your Aspie aren't married, you should feel free to leave. |
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Tom 6:48 PM Mon 10th Aug, 2020 |
I'm a gay man that's been in a hellish relationship with an insufferable Aspie for 18 years, and I'm at the end of my tether with him and his repugnant and outrageously selfish behaviors. Similar story, was swept off my feet by this softly spoken and respectful gentleman, that I fell deeply in love with, and him moving in within the first couple of months. There was a couple of red flags which I chose to ignore - big mistake (including the first couple of intimacy rejections), but I stupidly decided to pursue them, even when he went deathly silent and stone faced, when I told him I loved him. Nope- I thought someone this good was worth persisting with. Big Mistake. Fast forward 18 years, with zero intimacy for 16 years - yes Zero, zilch, Nada! All I get a strained hug and a cheek peck (never on lips)that I initiate. But I've discovered he sees fit to visit cruise clubs throughout this time, even when I was in hospital, and get his rocks off on fetish porn in complete secret. That's not even scratching the surface of his appalling behaviors. The selfishness is what gets to me the most. I've never met someone so selfish. He doesn't drive, he doesn't cook (I can count on one hand the times he's cooked and have fingers to spare), but is hypercritical of me for both. In fact, unless his meal is of his standard - meaning some arbitrary texture, firmness, smell, texture and taste of such an unattainable level, but never over, he will simply refuse to eat it, complain bitterly about it, and will go and purchase fast food instead. Absolutely soul-destroying when you pour all day and effort into preparing and making it. Then it's the territorial monopolizing of the entertainment, it's again all about his needs. On the rare occasions that I watch what I want, he will prattle on relentlessly about his nonsensical esoteric obsessions that completely interfere with my enjoyment. Again the relentless one-sided sermons on some analogy equivalent of navel-lint. I simply don't want to hear a multi-hour sermon on genealogical research medieval eastern-European, orthodox Hebrew public servants, especially when I've just walked in the door after a night shift. Oh, but I can't tell him to STFU, as any disagreement, I'm labelled immediately always 'grumpy' or 'negative'. I can't even raise my voice above monotone, before his sensory inputs are overwhelmed, and he completely shuts down and walks away, for me to deal with days of pouting and uneasy silence. Similar to when I come home from work. No validation, no support. Unless I don't present as saccharinely sweet and happy all the time, I'm 'always grumpy and negative' - cue days of silent treatment and pouting. Yet, he will see it in his self to harass the living daylights out of every blasted neighbor we've had, making and absolute enemy of each. Again his neurosis and sensory issues are the main driver of this, because they dared to clip a overreaching tree, utter a taboo phrase in their own house or scratch their left nostril too loudly, prompting angry confrontations and passive-aggressive behaviors on his part designed to stop the said behaviors, but in fact causing the exact opposite - which his aspie brain still hasn't worked out. Speaking about working things out, he still cannot work out how to turn things off when he's futzing outside or even how to change an empty toilet paper roll. Not that it matters anyway, as he's incapable of setting or maintaining the finances, paying bills, doing grocery shopping, control his spending or using items sparingly - you know, skills any responsible takes for granted, but heaven forbid him actually recognizing fault, because he is ALWAYS faultless, even when he's in error. Argh!!!! |
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Emma 3:49 PM Mon 10th Aug, 2020 |
I have really taken great comfort in all of your comments, it's like reading something that's speaks to you so clearly! The unexplainable .. explained, and then you know your reading something that's real. What a fascinating experience to go through... I have been beating myself up that I was too harsh to end the relationship, being 33 and so loving the idea of creating a family I really thought I had met THE guy. Even the way we met and the serendipity constantly turning up through it felt like ahhhh thanks universe for hearing my calls. However! I know that there is no reason I should be beating myself up about this, in fact quite the opposite. As his response to us ending was like a hand shake or as someone said here... going home and just turning on the TV like nothing had happened. BYE. What I think is the most painful for me, is that fact I fell for his soul, he had a sweet soul that felt matched. However that was covered as time went on in seemingly narcissistic traits, abuse and many strange communication road blocks. Things felt scripted, like he had taken the perfect script and rehearsed it. But something about it wasn't real. He was very gorgeous and initially very intune with being intimate. However that started to fall apart, and I never received a compliment .. not once. Simple comments like our beautiful, I like this about you never passed his lips. He could be social and put on a performance,he would call it, but really when it was just me and him he was cynical and grumpy. Quite critical and controlling, which is so confusing, when someone has created this social facade. Makes it harder to really trust what's going on. Maybe its me? As time went on my gut was screaming at me. However my heart went out to him! But it was damaging me, this lack of a bond, someone who I could talk to, feel had my back was zero. He never remembered anything, and the conversation was all one way, alllll about him. Quite obsessive in the things he was doing, in the 6 months we were together he never asked my one question about what I had been up to or ANYTHING. This after a while can get to a person, and I found this the hardest thing, as it made me feel boring, unimportant, and what I was doing was rubbish compared to his life. He was born into millions and as much as he was doing his own creations, really nothing had been tough for him. For someone like me who has worked her way up off her own steam it was a hard pill to swallow the constant put downs and zero interest. So! since I have been struggling to really believe this all happened ... like really?? But as time went on I felt to read up about autism as it just felt like something had not been explained. I sent him a huge email in the kindest way possible to address it after out break up, as I wanted to explain to him really that I cared for him so much and was whiling to work through things.. but ... I felt that he could be Aspergers etc etc. He replies saying there could be aspects of that my Dad has it my brother and my uncle. And that the felt it was a long road for him to ever be with someone. WOW. So strange how he felt he didn't have it at all before, or that he was choosing to live like he didn't. If only he had told me, things would of been very different, and as much as we would of had challenges atleast they were worked through with awareness, as from my side of things I thought he was just another narcissist. And got quite defensive towards the end. Sending love to everyone here as its so confusing on so many levels! you have this connection with a person that's so strong but you are shown that there is now way of a successful relationship in the future. And it's heartbreaking. XX |
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Elodie 5:03 AM Mon 10th Aug, 2020 |
Discovering this site has been a lifesaver for me . Will write more when I can but for now - grateful for any views on this... I have been working towards the courage to leave, and then out of the blue today my (undiagnosed) Aspie has behaved like a regular guy, you’d never know anything was up. Even for me with my fine tuned sense of how he acts, I was taken aback by what a regular day we’ve had. Help... it’s making me wobble with my decision even when I know how bad it can be and I’ve had 5 years of it... |
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Joe 4:39 AM Mon 10th Aug, 2020 |
Is it normal for AS people to have problems with hygiene? I had to stop being friends with one AS person because on top of his other infuriating behavior, he had huge hygiene and grooming problems. He would sometimes go weeks without showering. He refused to wear deodorant or cologne. He would get a haircut maybe once a year and then complain about the price but had no problem wasting money on hobby crap. His hair was always greasy and unkempt. He would sometimes wear the same dirty clothes for a week or more at a time and his clothes were never in style or they were worn out. Not only did he not care about fashion but for some bizarre reason would insult people who did. He even got to the point where he stopped brushing his teeth or would tell me that he only brushed when he "felt like it" and said he refused to floss his teeth at all. I figured that by the time most people become teenagers they just intrinsically know why hygiene, appearance, etc. is important without anyone having to tell them, but here is an adult man who is obsessive about unimportant things such as his special interests but doesn't care about things that actually matter such as hygiene... Was it the AS causing this behavior or something else? Another case of mindblindness where they don't care if they go in public and disturb other people because they haven't showered in a few weeks, which a NT person knows is wrong? And, of course, if anyone nicely let him know that his hygiene is a problem he would have a meltdown and cuss them out instead of being thankful for them trying to actually help him. I don't like stereotyping anyone but if you go online there is one stereotype ("neckbeards") which fits exactly this subtype. It is an offensive term and I don't agree with it but if you look into it it describes some of their behavior and hygiene habits exactly. |
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Michelle 4:28 AM Mon 10th Aug, 2020 |
Thank goodness for this website. Although I’m beat down and exhausted Emotionally I haven’t completely given up. My aspie BF of 3amd a half years moved in 4 months ago. I WAS so excited. He and his dog have totally taken over... I feel like an unwanted guest in my own home. He doesn’t like to eat planned meals together. He likes to cook for himself in front of me not thinking maybe I’d like some too. If this was the only thing I’d just work with it but it’s not. His dog sleeps with us in the bed. I’m not cool with that but he says she’s always slept on the bed and needs to be able to now too. She’s a big girl... 75 lbs of smelly dirty fur. Not sexy. Speaking of sex... he has only initiated it 2 times Since moving in. He is always worried about the dogs feelings while we are together in the act. I thought I could manage the relationship due to the fact that I have been seeing an aspie couple who specialize in. NT/ASP relationships. They are NT/ASP themselves. The husband is very enlightened after years of personal therapy. Anyway I am not doing well at managing the relationship. The loneliness, weird need to not talk, rest and do what he pleases has sucked the life out of me. I was in his preview for years but have been replaced by tennis and his new business. I have no appeal to him anymore. He’s just Moved on with us and lives with me so I’m not lonely. According to him. Goodness... if only that was true. I’m so lonely I want to shoot myself in the head some days. I’m so devalued amd disgarded. Run before you are like me |
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PhD 1:21 AM Mon 10th Aug, 2020 |
To "Screaming inside" who posted on Sun 9th Aug, 2020. You asked if you should contact your ex to let him know you think he has Asperger's. I would highly recommend that you DO NOT. Firstly, there's about 99.9% that he is fully aware of his diagnosis. His child was diagnosed - trust me, he knows he is on a spectrum too. He is on a very potent cocktail of meds including anti-psychotics. That is indicative of a particularly serious comorbidity. Look up the conditions anti-psychotics are prescribed for. It will send chills down your spine. The man is potentially very dangerous. I'm aware of people on a spectrum having no problem admitting they were officially diagnosed with NPD, BPD and even schizophrenia, but they will hide that they were diagnosed with ASD as well. When asked why, they responded that "normal" (NT) people can have all those disorders and it is less embarrassing for then admitting to the ASD diagnosis. Stay away from him and do not fall into the trap of thinking you can help him. He is beyond help. |
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Bev 8:31 PM Sun 9th Aug, 2020 |
Hi. I broke up with my aspie boyfriend around 3 weeks ago. I still come to this site sometimes to read everyone's testimonials. It's like I'm finally slowly making sense of what I've been feeling. There's something in every testimonial that I can relate to. It's a revelation that so many aspies are so similar. I wish I can be more articulate in trying to explain what I've been going through. To Nicki (6th Aug), my ex was the same. He would complain that I never had time for him, when he'd play games with his friends all day and only try contact me when it's already really late and I'm about to go to bed. And I used to accommodate him too, watching tv shows with him until 5 in the morning. And to Screaming Inside (9th Aug), I could've written everything you said myself. I still care about him but not in the gf/bf way anymore. I haven't spoken to my ex since. If he wants to be friends I'd be happy to, but otherwise no, and if that means no contact with him then so be it. He was also overly attached to his family especially his mom. He thinks his mom is this all knowing superhuman for doing/saying the most basic and obvious things, like remembering to check for the weather when planning holidays, or saying that people who dress flashy is likelier to get mugged. I thought he was just really innocent and naive. Also it blows my mind that it's so common for aspies to be unhealthily obsessed with porn and then be uninterested during actual sex. I thought it was just him. My ex suggested we could try VR sex, which was him watching porn on a VR headset while I be his blow up doll I guess. Hell no. I got mad and he apologized and promised to never suggest anything like that again. I should've left him then. Saves me lots of time and energy. |
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Screaming inside 4:49 PM Sun 9th Aug, 2020 |
Hello everyone. Please accept my thoughts and gentle hugs of support on all of your situations. This site has been like an empathic hug of understanding and clarity these past few weeks. My story is that I met my (now ex) partner last year. He approached me on a dating site and all seemed promising. However, it took 4 months for us to have our first date due to his rearranging several times albeit for seemingly good reasons. But I had developed feelings for him as he was so honest about the hardships in his life and as an empath and a bit codependent, you want to help. At this point I was already becoming aware that he wasn't interested in getting to know me. I persevered regardless as he had something about him I really liked. Once we were actually in each other's company I noticed that he was shamelessly self-absorbed, completely strung out on a cocktail of prescribed antidepressants, anti-anxiety and antipsychotics meds (which he blamed for his lack of 'stamina' in bedroom activity, he had a massive over-reliance and knowledge on all things tech, and an unhealthy over-reliance on his family (facetimed them twice a day whilst I only got a couple of messages a week). He showed no reaction when I explained about the murder of my brother and passing of my parents and very much ignored me during lockdown. He couldn't understand my sadness following his suicide attempt 2 days before my birthday. He seemed to lack any resilience and would refuse to see me if something to do with his divorce upset him, claiming he needed to sleep it off several days after the event. He had been made redundant from his techy job and showed no signs of finding new work. His son (whom he doesn't live with as his wife left, taking the children) has an ASD diagnosis. I think he only ever saw me as a unpaid counsellor for his divorce and had no awareness of my needs within a relationship. The time we did spend together was, apart from the first date, at his home and on his terms. Although not my place to diagnose, having read this site, I strongly suspect he would be diagnosed with high functioning ASD. My dilemma is, should I contact him and suggest this? I said goodbye and wished him well 6 weeks ago and then blocked him on everything. I've no wish to rekindle the boyfriend/girlfriend thing but the empath in me wants to still be a friend to him, my thinking being that a diagnosis might give him greater access to benefits and contact with his children. I know I'm not his keeper but I still care and worry about him. Any thoughts? Thank you |
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Amanda 3:01 PM Sun 9th Aug, 2020 |
I’m so confused my high functioning husband can be settled and calm, but then when I want more attention or have a deep discussion, panic ensues trips to the toilet, I just don’t know what to do for myself, I need to stop thinking about him and think about me ,.. I need to start enjoying my life and do things for me Not sure what I’ll do |
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Confessions of a NT 7:25 AM Sun 9th Aug, 2020 |
I wrote in a couple weeks ago and have been reading each of your stories ever since. The tragedy of witnessing so many wonderful heart's break is almost unbearable. I once again broke down into tears today while wasking dishes, it just came out, no way to stop it. My sister and I have both been victim's of ASD marriages, thank God she was able to get an annulment after 3 months, but it took year's to erase the trauma and horribly abusive treatment she received at the hands of the low-functioning Aspie and his family. I have been married to one now for 17 year's. I know now that I've never had true emotional love reciprocated, the intimacy was scheduled ritualisticly and I always felt when it was over that yet another piece of my heart had been taken but not in a good way, and it was never filled with a piece of his as should be when true emotional and physical love is shared. Afterwards he would cuddle but it was very strange, I felt as if I was being cuddled with as a maternal figure which is highly disturbing. Now that I know that he is ASD I have stopped all physical interaction of that sort because I simply can't do it anymore, because I know now I will never be enough. I can't keep losing myself to him or there will be nothing left, self preservation must kick in at some point and it has with me. I've not told him yet that this is for the long run but even just with me saying I needed time to recover physically because I've had trouble with women thing's lately, which he knew was happening and that it was taking a serious toll on my well-being. He still immediately threatened with what if he is tempted with finding another woman because of my "neglect". They are completely self centered in their needs. Protecting yourself and your boundaries is imperative!! So I'm just going to write a bit about how I feel ASD people should be viewed, remember that as an empathetic and over loving NT, I feel terribly bad for them, I don't pity them because they don't pity themselves at all and pity will lead you to be victimized by them, believe me on this. But I do have compassion for them and wish this syndrome didn't affect so many these day's. So to me they're like the wild animal's of the human world, their minds work on a basic survivalist level, they are highly attached to their Mother's because she provides them with the ability to survive, they do recognize this and remain attached to their primary caretaker the rest of their life. As far as their spouse goes I can only describe it as a host situation, there are interesting relationships in the animal world where a parasitical animal will attach itself to the host animal, usually a very capable larger animal and proceed to maintain the host for sometimes year's so they can be protected from the world at large. They help keep the host going and maintain the host's environment so that they can be provided a safe haven with minimal effort. The high functioning Aspies are very good at taking care of their host, most will be so good at taking care of the them in thos particular way, that the emotional desert wasteland will be endured because there's nothing to complain about on the home maintenance level. But make no mistake, you are and always will be their host and thus their victim, if you begin to "malfunction" they will trade you in for a different model or berate you until you comply with being an obedient host again. The low functioning one's are not as good at the host relationship and will many times blow through one after another leaving in their wake the used up empathetic heart's of countless NT's without remorse looking for the perfect host that they'll never find because of their true inability to care beyond themselves. This is a very grim reality, please don't do it, run away!! Find yourself and set your boundaries, don't let your beautiful heart's be used up and ruined. Love yourselves, you deserve emotional reciprocation for the love you give. Much love to each of you. |
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Vanessa :) 6:13 AM Sun 9th Aug, 2020 |
I dated an aspergers guy when i was a young adult who I loved for his good looks, his charm and funny personality and i thought i loved him but it was such a huge mistake! He would make fun of people crying on the news and calling them crybabies who need to get over it, laughed at me when my dogs death after my dad died both made me sad and said its not that sad other people have it worse, he would yell at me over trivial things like not knowing the names of Thomas the tank engine characters, (he was obsessed with child-like things like Thomas, Star Wars, Tranformers, Build a Bear, Lego to an extent he refused to talk about mature/important subjects like Politics or Bills, because those damn legos needed more attention)he would get grumpy like a child when i hanged out with my friends and was so jealous accusing me of being a cheater but he would say that other girls had nice tits and long legs when i was around to hear that s**t he would say "shut up" and if i make a small mistake scream "you cant do it right" and would laugh if i was upset. He would flap his arms in public and had a weird laugh that was really loud and he didnt care if it bothered anybody, he would just at them to shut up, I was so f*!***g embarassed i wanted to die!!!! I tried giving him several chances but i had enough when he made a huge deal about attending my friends mom's funeral because OH NO IT WAS DISRUPTING HIS OH SO PRECIOUS ROUTINE!!! THE HORROR OH THE HORROR!!!! I broke up with him after leaving the house and telling him to get lost! JUST WHAT WAS I THINKING DATING THIS BRATTY JERK MANCHILD!?!??!?! IT WAS LIKE HAVING A BOYFRIEND WITH THE MIND OF A BRATTY 6 YEAR OLD!!! BOYFRIEND? HE WAS A BOYFIEND MORE LIKE! I don't think all aspergers people are like this (i hope not) but this guy was so horrible I just needed to vent so bad!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Also as a side note is it normal for aspergers people to obsess over childish things or was this guy a possible sicko? i know they can obsess over numbers disney or science but thomas the tank engine at 20 years old when most boys outgrow it at 8? yeah...... |
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Lincea 12:23 AM Sun 9th Aug, 2020 |
My story is one of constant everyday battles that I don’t know will ever end. I married my Aspie 22 years ago and am currently going through a divorce. We had a short engagement. I was attracted to him at the onset because we shared obscure interests and he had a passion for the moral and resolute things that define both of us… I’m very artistic and creative by nature, so I thought I was marrying my soulmate… someone who had a passion and a pull to different and interesting things whom I could share my life with. We did not realize that he had Aspergers until 14 years into our marriage and looking back to the beginning, there were so many signs that I just was ignorant of. He is obsessed with Astronomy, MLB, Politics, and his work (at which he is his own boss). But the biggest problem with the AS, was our inability to communicate. This was over the smallest most insignificant things. Most of the time normal conversation could not happen. This is so difficult in a marriage when you can’t just talk simply and share life with your partner. Over the years, I would adapt and accommodate. We became somewhat of “roommates” … He would do his thing, I would do mine. I was the main bread winner for much of our marriage, and thus would take care of most all of his needs… Emotional angry outbursts started pretty early on. This is like nothing I’ve ever seen before. When trying to describe it to people, it is like having angry words and a physical persona that come at you in force. You actually feel like your guts have been spilled. On the flip side for me, any amount of emotion… even just a slight shift in inflection in my voice was met with the fact that I’m yelling at him or just plain “flipping out” and over-reacting. So, I learned very early on to have my voice remain fairly monotone. (which was then met with the fact that I continually mumble and he can’t hear me clearly) … there is always a fine line to keep the peace. There was always a definite Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde happening during most of our interactions. But for the most part I was able to compartmentalize and keep things going alright. The point when everything turned is when we had children. We went through fertility treatments and came away with Triplets. This is where the balance of everything ceased… because I now had to protect them, it was no longer just me. The emotional anger started with them when they were toddlers. I would need to be a barrier for them emotionally (fighting battles with words) and sometimes, but not often, physically (where I would need to step in-between him and the kids). I remember the particular instance when I realized I needed to stop being passive. Our daughter at the time was 1 1/2 years old. I knew that she did not deserve to have someone charging and screaming at her, crushing her spirit and all because she was wearing mom’s high heels for fun and accidentally stepped on her brother’s toe. That is the point where I had to balance being the wife I wanted to be with being a mom that would need to protect her kids. My husband also has Sensory Processing Disorder. This just aggravates every situation. The slightest sound sends him jumping sky high. And the emotional outbursts would often be fueled by any grating sound. Having toddlers and now teenagers does not offer much in the way of keeping quiet when they are out to express how they feel. This coupled with the fact that there is a constant need to control each situation was putting the children in a very difficult spot. Walking on eggshells and fear was a normal thing for us from the start… but kids need to move and breathe as they grow. The dynamics all of this creates was sometimes unbearable. If being in an Asperger marriage and having triplets was not enough, one of our sons was diagnosed with autism at age 3. This is how we discovered my husband had Asperger Syndrome (within the counseling sessions to help my son). Again, we had been married 14 years, before we had realized he had AS. The dynamics between my son and my husband could only be compared to TNT. It was like a constant battle. With my son, to communicate there would need to be a puzzle to complete, of what he was trying to say and there is not always a lot to go on. It requires patience and a recognizing of cues that was very difficult for my husband. On top of that, my son realized he could get dramatic reactions from his dad and attention, albeit negative. Their relationship thrived on reaction. Things would get volatile quite often. There is another component that always puzzled me… when reading up on Asperger traits, there is not a lot on how the sexual intimacy plays out. It says they have trouble with Intimacy in general. Well, this is my experience. Intimacy (non-sexual) is virtually non-existent. But the Sexual Intimacy was required by him, even if there was no connection or bond between him and I. It is very difficult to be attacked emotionally, criticized for little things continually, disrespected and mocked all too often, blamed for nearly anything that would arise (even if blame didn’t need to be assigned) and then for me to be expected to turn around in short order and actually want to have “intimate” time with him. I soon began to realize the difference between intimacy in the way of emotional connection and intimacy in a way of only physical. Everything was based on his obsession with Pornography. There was no real emotional connection. Everything is what he has come to understand as being normal. When you are looking at all these components, there really is not true “oneness” when you are married to someone with Asperger Syndrome. You are never Partners. I was always used as a means to an end, however I could accommodate him. If he had to do certain things for me to get what he ultimately wanted, then that was the only time I saw consideration or care. The relationship is almost entirely one-sided. Grace given was never received. Now we are here… going through a divorce. Because I could not accommodate him. You see, last year, I had a lot of extra things that were put on my plate… ultimately, I found that I needed to place boundaries with him and felt it was time to hold him accountable for how I was being treated. He left me. He clarified a couple of months ago that he "abandoned me... and not the kids"... He sees me now as a thorn in his side (even now thinking from the beginning of our relationship) and the enemy. He ultimately decided I wasn’t worth it. My daughter will not speak to him. My Son with Autism is obsessed with taking time with him now that he isn't living under our roof. And my other son just wants everything to be on his own terms when it comes to his dad. I have worked so hard to help the kids have a healthy life despite the challenges our family has faced. I fear the challenges will not end in regard to this, they will just be different. Life is full of uncertainties and mountains to face, but I know it also has wonderful things to present. Keeping a positive outlook is a daily priority and a daily mountain I face. My next chapter for me is combating Cassandra Syndrome and not being a victim. I still feel a need to help him and that normally gets met with one of two things: first, give an inch and he will try to push the envelope and/or second, I'll be falsely accused of manipulation. Character assassination is a favorite for him. I am a very compassionate person and love to help people and have always tried to help him. At this point, I’m trying to move on completely. I already miss his family, who are really wonderful people, but I know that I need to completely let go. For the sake of myself and the kids I need to. I can’t take it on anymore. At this point, I do not ever plan to remarry. This is actually my second marriage. The first, I was married to a classic Narcissist and was able to recognize to get out of the relationship within 4 years of being emotionally and physically abused. I never wanted divorce, and really meant my vows in both cases. I now see men as advantage takers. I know there are I am sure good men out there... but I don't trust my judgement as both times I was misled... In any case, I won’t allow myself to be abused any more. I’m much better on my own and my faith has carried me through the past, present, and now the future. Thank you for letting me share my story. |
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Fairlie 12:08 PM Sat 8th Aug, 2020 |
My comments here are for Karen who posted on Aug. 5, 2020 and anyone who might find this useful. Thank You for your very kind comments in regard to my earlier post. I was very happy to hear that you will now be safe and more at ease as the driver in your friend's car! I've had several very scary situations in vehicles with people who were behaving badly! I'll briefly share what lead up to deciding to continue living together and doing as much as I could to improve our relationship. With his frequent angry outbursts, I had found that the best way to cope was to 'distance' myself - avoid him as much as possible which is challenging in an apartment. During this time, approx. 12 years ago, I discovered and read part of a book called 'You Don't Have to Take it Anymore'. It was for women in abusive relationships - no mention at all about Aspergers. The author advised women to work at better understanding their partners, to have empathy for their struggles and be able to forgive them for their actions. It seemed like a VERY tall order!! I was willing to give this a try but I first needed my husband to sincerely apologize for his abusive behavior. I told him that I'd been reading about ways we could improve our relationship. It took awhile but he did give me a very sincere apology that I accepted. Things started to improve for us but there were still 'challenges' at times. I was on a wait list for about 6 years to have my own place - not to end our relationship but to have more 'space amd peace'. I changed my mind and decided that using the money to have a 2-3 month winter vacation in a warm climate would be a better option. This has given me something special to look forward to and helped keep me in good physical and mental health. He has spent short periods with me but I'm mostly on my own - which I need and enjoy. Learning (about 7-8 years ago) that he has Aspergers has been a 'game-changer' and I've done a lot of research to better understand this condition and help him and myself. We communicate more now - about aspergers and quite a variety of other subjects. We also share more mutual interests and outdoor activites - like biking. I know that we've both really benefited from having a very healthy gluten free-low carb) diet and taking supplements (including ones that help his brain chemistry). We're both very healthy at 74 and 78. I certainly understand why most people want to avoid or leave such relationships. I wrote another post that describes more about our relationship. It starts with reasons I am grateful that things are going well for us. I also wrote about an episode when my husband was paranoid and challenging - I handled things well. You might find some of the comments I made there useful. I know staying or leaving is a difficult decision to make. I suggest learning more about Aspergers (reading, watching videos). Through conversations and doing things together, learn more about your boyfriend to help determine if yours could be a 'viable' relationship. I believe that you'll be able to make the right decision when you've done more 'delving' and 'soul-searching'. Very Best Wishes! With Love, Fairlie |
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Sarah 10:19 AM Sat 8th Aug, 2020 |
I was in a 14 year relationship with an Aspie until I left. I had AfDD and it took me some time to recover and a lot of therapy. That was 3 and a half years ago. I recently went on a date with a lovely guy who actually told me he was ASD on the first date. We had another two dates, but after the last one a problem cropped up because I have my kids for two weeks because of a blip in my normal week on/ week off childcare swap, and then his family is staying with him for a week. My 'slot' to see him was Sunday afternoons but with this problem I suggested that he could just come over after work as he only works 15 minutes away from my house. But apparently he can't because of his evening routine which is very precise. So if I can't make the Sunday slot we can't see each other for 3 weeks, although he works so nearby. I thought 'Oh God WHAT was I thinking!!!!! I can't do Aspie again.' So I've called it off. A bit sad because I liked him so rereading the testimonials to remind me why I need to bale now. |
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PhD 1:32 AM Sat 8th Aug, 2020 |
To Flávia. It's normal and not at all unusual to be stuck in this cycle of hell you found yourself in. There is only one way out - you have to completely stop communicating with the person who trapped you in this loop. You have to go "no contact". There is NO other way out. NONE. It is not easy to do, you will experience withdrawal similar (if not worse) to the withdrawal people go through when they stop using hard drugs. The reason for this similarity - chemical imbalance in the brain, in your case - caused by trauma. From my person experience being trapped in the same exact hell, and based on evidence described in literature - antianxiety meds help A LOT. Perhaps also an antidepressant. But again, NO CONTACT is an absolute MUST. You would have to commit to it like if your very life depended on it. Delete his contact info, block him everywhere. Withdrawal won't last forever. You will feel better and will be able to regain control of your life, I guarantee you that. I'm the living proof of that. |
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Anna-Jane 10:12 PM Fri 7th Aug, 2020 |
This is the site I have been looking for for such a long time! Maybe besides Cassandra Syndrome, there should be a Cathy Syndrome, for those of us who grew up with a sibling who could appear a cold, brutal narcissist but was also great fun because of the quirky sense of humour and lack of fear. I spent my teens and twenties feeling increasingly like I had to choose between family and friends because of the way he sneered at all my choices and yet we're still really close. My husband takes a very dim view of him, especially the way he treats his wife and son and I still feel torn and actually very angry because I feel sometimes I literally speak (or even live?) 2 utterly different ways of communicating and seeing the world. On the plus side, I did get an A in English Lit because I thought it was an everyday tale of happy families :p |
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Twinsugar 7:22 PM Fri 7th Aug, 2020 |
This is a message to a person named Becca who wrote a testimonial back in June. I read the testimonials for strength and there are common themes throughout. But Becca...your story is so similar to mine. Please please run. Run. I was in the same boat. They AS partner almost made me feel more wanted when he’d say “no don’t leave” but then the EXACT same pattern of stonewalling would emerge. It felt like ground hogs day. I’m a very kind gentle person but the experience brought out resentment (despite my understand he is aspie). No amount of logic can talk you out of an emotional connection and reciprocation. I still love my aspie ex but things devolved and gas lighting started. I believe people can has light without them even realizing they are doing it. And you can’t escape it. My aspie has severe abandonment issues, I said I’d never leave...them the stonewalling. Barely ever contacting me. We’d see eachother at work twice a week and the convos were about him and I felt like his good friend. In the beginning things were different but that’s because aspies also get the hormonal high that comes woth infatuation but they can’t keep it up afterwards. Barely spent time, broken promises because his obsession is work (workaholic doesn’t begin to describe this man- obsession). When I spent two years being stonewalled I left. Every week he’s say “gimme a week to get work done”...every week for two years “no don’t leave give me a week”. I left but went back. In November he had a melt down over work stress and broke up w me...I said no I’m staying, but he still ended things during the melt down. In the days that followed he barely addressed the break up so three days later he was complaining about life and I told him it makes me very sad but I agree woth his decision to end things” he took that as me leaving him. He never said “no I didn’t mean what I said etc” no response. Fast forward we magnetized to each other but in a grey zone. Not “together” and not apart. Last week he told me it was over for good this time and spent two hours telling me “you left me in December” over and over. I was stunned and confused. It’s like I was gaslit by someone that believed a delusion or his version of reality. But I’m leaving me for good, although I am sad...I can’t tell you the relief that washes over me more and more each day. Please run. The main themes here with all testimonials: neglect, rejection, no reciprocity, feeling unloved, loss of self esteem, emotionally drained. You deserve better and have to talk to yourself like you’re your five year old self. You’d want better for that little girl. Make decisions in her best interest. That’s how I view self love. I truly was a vivacious successful professional...my profession saves me because there’s no greater joy than when I’m caring for others, but this experience almost robbed me of that last book of joy. Please run Love Twinsugar |
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Amanda 1:37 PM Fri 7th Aug, 2020 |
My aspire husband, says forget the things he s done :::: Is that right :: He’s says he’s trying really hard: I just don’t know what to do any more: I know he’s not as bad as other aspires but : He seems to forget every day, things I’ve said day before and that I m struggling but he just says he’s trying :: I’ve left so many times and come back Can cope but that’s all spark gone . Should I just cope Feel like it’s all my fault So much I want in life He said yesterday he just needs to be in calm life And that he just plods along in life Where I strive for our future Help |
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Karen 12:50 PM Fri 7th Aug, 2020 |
To 'What was I thinking': I smiled at your comment that he never remembers what you said. Yep - been there, got that T-shirt. Drives me absolutely nuts. I try to keep my cool but don't always succeed. I think it's all part of taking no interest in you, what you do, what you think - that whole narcissistic issue. To make matters worse my partner has developed a new habit of 'selective remembering' and will repeat later some of the things I have said as though they were his idea (I should say I have come across this with NTs also). So apparently he DOES remember some things when it suits him. (I tell him he is lucky to have someone whose ideas are worth repeating). Believe in yourself and stay strong. |
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Flávia 5:10 AM Fri 7th Aug, 2020 |
I wrote on this site a few weeks ago. The situation only gets worse and I always come back here to read all the new testimonials and follow your incredible and similar stories. I send you my sincere hugs and so much empathy! <3 But I feel that my story doesn’t get through and I'd like your help very much.. I don’t know what I’m experiencing, but after abandoning it in very delicate circumstances (in the pandemic and in another country), I live a loop intense mental. I relive the moments and remember details of the story, I read all the contents of asperger's every day, I'm part of support groups for NT partners, I also do therapy and talk with many friends. I experience despair, anxiety and even stagnation in my bed.. But I cannot abandon myself, i can't abandon my ex boyfriend... he speaks to me in a very cold, rude, disinterested way. I'm always the one who has the initiative to continue communicating, while for him he's extremely indifferent. I found out that he's on a app because a woman wrote to me and even then, he says it's for making friends (after 3 months). My psychologist has already explained that he doesn't do this with an interest in connecting emotionally with someone, but simply in fulfilling an objective with a checklist. I shouldn't take offense or worry about it offensively. It does this automatically and robotically. I know he has something that will never be healed and I should learn that once and for all. But why don't I just take in that information? I already read everything, I know everything and I kept everything that was possible! What am I looking for with this hellish cycle? :( I'm collapsing... |
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Karen 2:08 AM Fri 7th Aug, 2020 |
I too have discovered that I am dating an Aspie. At first, I thought the man wasn't interested in me at all as I have had to do all the "work". I was the one to initiate contact, texts (he doesn't like talking on the phone), make plans and/or dates. When it is just the two of us, I usually get silence--no conversation whatsoever. Maybe one word answers. I really thought "this guy really HATES me". We always have to have another couple with us just to initiate conversations and/or just to have a good time. I didn't understand his behavior until a friend told me "he sounds like he has Asperger's". Boy, what an eye-opener. He is TEXTBOOK! I understand a lot of his behavior now but in the meantime, I am losing myself--who I used to be---by being miserable most of the time. From his silent treatment, endless arguments about nothing, yelling, etc. In the meantime,I have been diagnosed with a neurological disorder which affects my gait. I am really self-conscious about "limping around" so I really don't want to go back into the dating world again. I've had my share of relationships (never married) and dread the thought of doing it again. However, I just want to be HAPPY. Is there any hope? He is 65 and I am 59. |
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Gabrielle 3:24 PM Thu 6th Aug, 2020 |
My husband and I are new to learning and accepting he"s on the spectrum. I knew something was different initially, told him he was "high maintenance", didnt know why.. blow up ensued but we ended up marrying. So I'm trying to find air..at times I feel i'm suffocating having to forever respond to the never ending half assed attempts at humor, the constant movements/twitches, grunting...all of which he seemed to control while dating. Now I'm stuck. At times my tolerance level drops drastically, frustration brims over, contempt for the man seeps out and I then have to backtrack with guilt and sorrow. He didnt ask for it. But then, neither did I. It has been about him..with this site I'm so grateful to see I'm not alone struggling and also seeking a modus vivendi. |
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Alan 12:43 PM Thu 6th Aug, 2020 |
It is so hard living with an Autistic spouse. Some days, like today, I just want to call it quits. With the stress of the Pandemic added to the usual ASD behavior I am reaching breaking point. Today, a regular work day for me (from home) she decides she need to buy a projector to use for her dance class and for me to watch TV while she sews (her current special interest). She has found a $700 projector that is "perfect". In the past I might have objected but I just agree. Of course she needs my help to call the apple store (she hates talking to strangers) to figure out the best way to get it without exposing us to COVID. Ok so I figure that out and we need to drive to a location 30 miles away for curbside pick up. Of course we are late leaving as she is not ready on time. And she asks me to drive (she has stomach ache) even though she doesn't like me to drive her car cause that makes her feel it is not her car. I ask her if she will drive, she says no, she has stomach ache. OK I drive, get us there on time. It has been a good day so far, she seems happy. On the way home there is a traffic tie up, she is talking my ear off about something or other as her music is playing and we are approaching the freeway exit. I am not familiar with this route but the car has Nav, and keeps asking me to exit, but I can't get over to the right lane due to traffic. The Nav keeps changing the route, I decide to take the next exit cause I recall that the freeway split is not where we want to go. As II get to the exit she tells me no, go on highway such and such. I', confused, not time to make a decision so I exit anyway. She gets mad that I didn't follow her instructions. Proceeds to tell me off for not doing what she asked, not trusting she was right and points out that the Nav said to got hat way too. I go to make a U turn to return to the route. She says " what are you doing now?" in her harsh tones (no masking). I say going back where you wanted me too. She says "Why, you wanted to go this way so go this way". I go back to her route, it does take us home. We get home, she seems OK after not talking for 20 mins. She goes back to sewing. I get dinner ready, it's ready in plenty of time for her event (Movie with friends) at 8 am. I go get her. We are eating, she asks if I'm going to get the movie ready, I do. Then she wants the TV on ready to go 15 mins ahead of time. OK fine. Then starts up with a fresh attack in her umasked angry voice regarding the car screaming at me "I'm never going to ket you drive my car again" and "you never listen to what I say, you always dismiss me". She starts her movie, I put the food away, load and run the dishwasher, clean the Kitchen, take out the garbage. Half way through the movie she comes up stairs and asks if I will come and watch with her, I say no. I have no desire to be anywhere near her and risk another outburst. She is having a meltdown I realize. When I say no she asks "why, because you don't want to spend time with me?" I say yes, she says loudly/angry tone "your mad because you chose to ignore me in there car" and storms off. Basically she sees it as all my fault. In fact she complains all the time about the quality of our relationship. Recently it has been about how my work is more important to me than her. But I only work 40 -45 h a week, have always done so. She doesn't have a job, blames me for her not getting a law degree, says she could have done that but sacrificed that to be my wife and give me a son. At home she can only manage to do the laundry (she won't let me do it when it even when there are no clean clothes) and inconsistently make meals. I do all the other chores and work full time. She cannot go to bed at a reasonable time, usually staying up past 2 or 3 am, then getting up after 10 am, then complains I'm always tired and we don't spend time together and I don't plan dates. When I do suggest dates she usually declines for some reason (not feeling well etc), but when she plans something it happens because I always go along with it. She complains we don't go on enough vacations because I'm stingy, but she cannot make the effort to plan one herself, instead she tells me what she wants and I plan it. We've been to Australia, Germany, England 4 x, Hawaii 7 x, and numerous mainland locations, all planned by me. I feel unappreciated and un-loved. But I am responsible for her survival and our son's survival so I go on. We could have such a wonderful beautiful life but she makes it so miserable much of the time. The ups and downs are so hard to take; one day she tells me she loves me, that I am wonderful and all that, the next she makes me feel like the worst partner in the world. I know I am not the most wonderful man in the world but I ma no where near the worst. We have been married for 25 years and when we met she was so amazingly wonderful; beautiful and a little different but we seemed own the same page about so many things. The sex was great (non existent now) and I felt I had met my soul mate. Now that all seems so distant, like it never happened. On days like these I dread the rest of the evening, the end of the movie, I want to go hide somewhere but that will only end badly with her accusing me of stone walling, when I am only trying to protect myself from more pain. Her reaction to a my inability to follow her last second instructions seems massively overblown, I know it is, but I am living in her crazy world with no one to turn to for a realistic viewpoint. Anyway I've said enough, now I need to figure out what to do now the movie is ending. Scared |
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What was I thinking part 2 11:36 AM Thu 6th Aug, 2020 |
I just want to say that I come here often to read the comments and remind myself to not get involved. If you scroll down,i wrote about the aspire I am seeing. When I reread what I wrote, I felt like I didn’t capture all the top trending Asperger qualities he has- i forgot to mention how he makes me feel invisible and rejected- how he never remembers anything I tell him. Lately he will say I’m a pain in his ass and even though he has sarcastic humor,something makes me think he really means it. I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread.im one stupid uneducated comment from being cut loose. Maybe that should happen. . Let him cut me off. He has an obsession with politics and all he talks about is how terrible the left are and how dumb women are and we ruin everything It’s becoming infuriating now.! I would say he is overall a negative person because alll conversations eventually lead to those two things that anger him the most;the progressive left ruining our country and women. Imagine spending so much time talking about the things that anger you!?! just recently,we went away for a quick 2 night trip (we have a long distance relationship)well in this trip I learned that he doesn’t like to be held when going to sleep, when we were in the water, I was trying to body hug him and he kept pushing me off of him. He would even at times walk ahead of me. When he sensed I was unhappy I finally told him that I feel rejected by him(I didn’t want to tell him bc I knew it would get me nowhere ;you can’t win any argument against him). Anyhow I caved and told him. “hello!?! i haven’t seen you since February,I would expect us to be all over each other”. Well his answer was that I was looking for rejection and of course I was being emotional and had no logic and that I was a pain in his ass. -see? I knew it would get me nowhere. I really want to make it work. I keep thinking that I can focus on what is right and appreciate other ways he can love me but I don’t know. I feel like everything I do ( like give up on expecting him to change and meet him at his level)would be unappreciated and I would still get shitted on. I feel like he would be more annoyed with me than in love with me.i think that is the part I can’t live with. I need to read all these testimonials and keep reminding myself that I would be swallowed in the pits of despair and delusional for thinking this could work. If it’s not great after two years of dating and us living far from each other,I can only imagine what it would be like every day living under the same roof. He is eventually moving closer here (not just for me but his family is here). I gotta give up the fantasy. It won’t work, am I right? |
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Nicki 11:19 AM Thu 6th Aug, 2020 |
Hi guys! I really am at a shock, I had broken up with my aspie a little over a month ago. He doesn't recognize this, he literally go to sleep and like erases whatever happen the night before, as if It never happened! He text me the next day telling me He loved me. It is jarring how this works with him. My aspie (ex?) Is very happy go lucky but at the same time can get very agitated quickly. Whenever we communicate he can for a while but then suddenly is drained and will get so blunt in his responses. "I'm watching my show, don't want to talk" type situation. Usually emotional talking or anything related to emotions will easily wipe him out and he does not want to talk about it. I have got to the point that I have made a life outside of our relationship that keeps me sane. I have learned to make myself happy. He tends to go on long binges of silence or no communication and I have learned to just go on with your life, go out with friends, take care of your children(if you have them) go to that job interview, etc etc. I have learned that if you don't you will be miserable trying to figure out people like this. Here the last few days he has been getting upset because I will not drop what I am doing because he is in the mood to talk. Will text me repeatedly trying to get me to talk or facetime. If I tell him I'm busy, or it will have to wait he gets mad. It is always on their terms, never yours. They want to talk when they are ready and if they are not you do not get their time. I just want to say within the few years I have got to know this man I have learned that they want to have a relationship but do not know how to keep up with the needs of NTs. I love him with all my heart but I have learned that if I am going to have a fulfilling life I am going to have to do that for myself. If not I will be in this spiral of emotional chaos. I hope that each of you get happiness and you all deserve it! |
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Bailey 9:08 AM Thu 6th Aug, 2020 |
The Cassandra Phenomenon is real. My Aspie’s family protects him and probably blame me for the failure of the marriage. I had to leave him to work in my home country because I never got status in his. I wonder if it was part of his control tactic to keep me. I felt entrapped in a marriage where I am married to someone who whispers in public, but screams at me, and hurts me with no remorse in private. Everything has been all about him since the beginning. He claims I control him, yet he has controlled me with his anger, rage and meltdowns. These people are beyond psychotic and are untreatable. If you are a masochist, an Aspergers marriage is for you! I finally trusted a man with my heart, soul, and body, given up everything. It all got worse after my sacrifices he shattered me and groomed me for his abuse. Finally getting out. I’m not even sad. One day I may actually feel like myself again. Now is finally my time to heal. I deserve better. So do you. |
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Roisin 3:23 AM Thu 6th Aug, 2020 |
Honestly, I do believe that my aspie man and I tried hard to make the relationship work. He went to his physician, after two years of break-ups, and me telling and showing him that I couldn’t deal with the never-ending rollercoaster, and was put on an anti-anxiety med which at first helped exponentially but required that dosage be monitored, which he failed to do. We moved in together, still with many ups and downs- for example, he was a fierce atheist as I was a born and raised (but largely spiritual) Catholic. One Easter Sunday, I left to work out and returned home where he informed me that he had been to church, at the request of a gym colleague—whaat?? He didn’t want the gym colleague to think poorly of him, so he donned his mask and went to church with him and his wife. I would have enjoyed accompanying him, absolutely, but he hid this outing from me until I returned home!! Physical touch and sex while in a monogamous relationship are extremely important to me, but eventually I was permitted to hold just his thumb and could receive one very dry, non-passionate kiss daily— to me, insane. To me, basic human needs, but I loved him and tried very hard to accept these terms. Honestly, the eventual physical abuse during his meltdowns, out of the blue and for no apparent reason, combined with all of the gaslighting, and changes to terms and conditions for our relationship,drove me to muster up the strength to leave after six years. No compromises would ever have been sufficient, and all of my love could not make this relationship work. We all are aware of our own needs and, to all of you questioning out there, please trust yourselves and your instincts. Be good to yourselves, and honor your needs. |
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PhD 11:02 PM Wed 5th Aug, 2020 |
This is in response to Tom. In regards to the question on how to make living with AS person less grim.. It is my understanding that you are not planning to leave. You have stated that sometimes you think "this is a totally workable relationship", but then something happens and you feel "like a sparkling summer day has been plunged into a miserable wet overcast November afternoon". That is exactly what makes you miserable. Wrong expectations. Adjust your expectations and your heart won't break every time "wet overcast November" descends upon you. Your reality is not the "sparkling summer", that is an illusion and you should not expect it. Your message is beyond heartbreaking, I read it and immediately thought "Stockholm syndrome". I think you might be trauma bonded to your partner. |
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Amanda 4:20 PM Wed 5th Aug, 2020 |
My husband thinks we’re fine too ,, But I just feel like I’m missing something in my life ...do we all feel like that ? Wish I know what too do stay on the same path or meander off .... My husband did say once if we ever split he would not ever want to see me again ... I think that’s childish blackmail . 5 years stress and sadness,friends and family don’t know why I’m still with him |
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Karen 3:34 PM Wed 5th Aug, 2020 |
To the lovely people who offered such supportive advice and comments, I have read and re-read your thoughts, and really appreciate the time you took to read and respond, thank you so so much. I wish I could meet you all for coffee and a big hug. Perhaps in better times ... Fairlie - you seem such a strong, resilient person and your words are wise and so understanding for your partner; I would love to know (but do not expect a response in such a public forum) what it was that finally made you decide to persist with your relationship (I'm assuming there were times when you thought 'enough is enough'), what issues did you weigh in the balance where eventually the scales fell in favour of 'stay' not 'leave', or was there a particular 'ahaa' moment. (Btw, on your concerns over his driving, I told him I will not be his passenger again. If I am in the car, I am the driver. Some sulking ensued but I can handle that). Mary, Jane, Lolita and PhD - your insights are invaluable and come from a knowledgeable place where you have given the love and weathered the storms. I guess I would not have written my testimonial if I didn't already know the answer deep down of what I should do, that I am already struggling with this man so 10 years down the track is looking bleak to say the least. The comment that stood out was 'why settle'? I guess I keep hoping that I am strong enough, can forgive and overlook, and that somehow I can create a loving relationship. A bit arrogant on my part perhaps!! So is there a kind way to bring things to a close? He is a good man, not vindictive or angry, so I am not looking to blame or be harsh. I have started a conversation with him (by phone at the moment; he lives in a different town and recent Covid restrictions prevent travel over any distance) to open the door to talking about our relationship having changed and not for the better. He has interpreted this as my feeling 'insecure' (gotta love the implication that he feels HE has to reassure ME - oh dear!), but at least the subject is on the table. I am still torn, and I suspect an in-person conversation will be better once Covid allows, but from your collective experiences, how does an AS person cope with rejection? Particularly when he is supremely confident that we are fine, and he is impervious to any thought to the contrary. That Karen could possibly call the whole thing off is simply not on his radar (honestly, the lack of humility is so extraordinary, it's almost funny!). |
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Amanda 12:53 PM Wed 5th Aug, 2020 |
Morning everyone, Just a response to Toms posting, my husbands undiagnosed (well a councillor told him probs has ASD) I can cope with it whilst everything is going his way,if I’m late from work or I don’t have time to text him in the day, will get increasingly anxious:But when I reveal how sad I am he makes my life turns into a rollercoaster with many ups and downs. He says he loves me, and says he looks after me, he says I cook dinner and do the shopping, and his obsession with laundry drives me nuts; I once said to him he has more of a life with the washing machine than me. I can just about cope.... but in our first year of marriage and has settled in to himself if you know what I Mean. I crave real affection love and support .... the last real meltdown were he went missing was so traumatic for me ... it’s scarred my heart, I don think I’ll ever forget it... I want to believe he lol change but reading all your posts I realise he can’t. Do I carry on with him, and accept all my dreams hopes and true happiness will never be fulfilled or split up with him.? He not a bad man.. as he often tells me I feel so guilty and mad all the time I’m so happy at work .... but I want to enjoy and feel fulfilled. My mental health is deteriorating every day, my digestive system is chronically stresses, and I feel so bad about my self .. I read about Cassandra syndrome has any one else had problem s with this.. I hope this makes sense, I have not put my glasses on this morning x |
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Sharlene F 5:25 AM Wed 5th Aug, 2020 |
My husband who is 72yo just got diagnosed as being on the spectrum! We have been together for the past 10yrs and it has been difficult from the beginning. In the past 5yrs he has been diagnosed with Narcissism, OCD, generalized anxiety, executive function disorder. ASD finally explains so much more but it is so hard. He is open to therapy but being with him is a challenge and there have been numerous times I have walked out and said I have had enough. Then my therapist at present talks me off the ledge. He is so defensive, never wrong, inflexible, doesn't recognize when he is anxious, has no self awareness. I can go on and on. The fact that he is 72 and has many ingrained dysfunctional coping skills does not help. He keeps doing the same stupid things over and over that he promises he won't do. He was very anxious yesterday after meeting with the doc that diagnosed him and was in total denial. So his social anxiety was really high and he defaulted to his mode where he tries to make everyone laugh (a group of men) and does it by making me the butt of his joke. I hate that so much. Any one els have this issue? |
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Diamond 3:26 AM Wed 5th Aug, 2020 |
So grateful to have found this site. Dated a AS guy for a few months at the start of the year, and every single experience has been textbook. Thought I was going mad. He was diagnosed as Dyslexic when he was 6 (he’s now 40), but he has all the signs of Aspergers and I feel has just been misdiagnosed. I believe this is quite common for people of his age as AS wasn’t really a thing till a few years later. Feel so glad to have found all the information on this site as I felt like I was going mad trying to understand all the odd behaviour. Especially when he is so good at masking in front of others, but I would see all the behind-the-scenes stuff that none else would ever really believe was happening. So heartbreaking as my ex clearly tried so hard in some ways. But he couldn’t understand why it’s not ok to drool over other women all the time, why it’s not ok to walk around with a hard-on in public, why it’s sometimes nice to ask things about your partner. I can honestly say after almost three months of dating - he still doesn’t know the first thing about me. He would never ask about my day ever. He could never bring himself to say “I love you”, the closest he got was “I more than like you”. He is incredibly smart and seemingly accomplished in many ways, but also has a heavy dependency on people doing things for him. He takes his mum and dad with him most places, I realise now for the emotional security blanket. I’ve had two long-term relationships with NTs (5.5yrs and 7yrs) and understand the hard work you need to put in. His relationships have never lasted more than a few months because he usually withdraws at the first sign of difficulty. He would talk obsessively about all of his exes from the day we met as he still doesn’t understand a lot of the breakups. My heart breaks because I tried to show him love and got met with a response of “I feel overwhelmed - you’re trying to make me a better person”. My heart also breaks because it will take a very specific type of personality to understand him, be willing to accept the behaviours as norm for the rest of their lives together, and I just don’t know until he gets his diagnose and learns more about himself how possible that will be. I really hope he finds his someone special. |
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Bridgette 2:09 AM Wed 5th Aug, 2020 |
Hi, Joe and to all who can relate. Contrarian. That is a spot on description of the undiagnosed aspie I live with. I do not have an explanation for it but it sure brings stress to conversationa when there shouldn't be any. I notice too that any positive subject is turned to negative when a compliment should be given. If something good was said about my children, his step, he quickly adds but this...and I have to say that what was just said was a good thing, which he will acknowledge but add negative. We do have one daughter together and she was expressing her feelings and he negated what she said by saying you have no reason to feel this way. In that way he was dismissing her negative feelings which obviously show no empathy. So whether it's a statement of fact or feelings it's contrary to what the person has said. So I guess I'll agree with you, Joe, probably both mind blindness and empathy deficit but sometimes it sure does sound like jealousy. How to deal is my question, daily. |
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Abigail 11:53 PM Tue 4th Aug, 2020 |
I’m soon to be divorced from my basket case aspergers husband. He has abused me physically, is addicted to marijuana, does not work, and even has inappropriate sexual interests. I have done my best and given everything to this marriage. I can’t do it anymore. Between the video game obsessions, the bantering about the news all the time, the inability to communicate. He pretended to be someone else. Once we got married he became comfortable, meaning that I got to see who he really is. These people are incapable of any normal emotion. It is like living in a daily hell with someone that has no understanding of boundaries, etiquette, and a very disturbing warped reality. They should stick to pornography, video games, their imaginary world. They are happier living an antisocial life alone anyways. I used to be a happy sociable woman. I have literally lost everything that I value by marrying the wrong type of person. I am now terrified of men because I have already been in abusive toxic relationships before. I don’t think I even can date again I am so traumatized. It truly is hell. I warn anyone to stay away from these types of men, they are cruel and will destroy you. |
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Iris 10:42 PM Tue 4th Aug, 2020 |
A reply to Joe (Tue 4th Aug, 2020): Yes, I have encountered one of those "contrarian"-Aspies. He was a former co-worker, let's call him "Bert". Bert would argue with you about anything, even, let's say, you'd tell him: "The sky is blue." He would argue that it is just a shade of blue, with a bit of gray in it, maybe some yellow... but the initial conclusion, that the sky is blue, is completely wrong and he knows better. This example is net even that exaggerated... Bert had to point out and correct even the smallest things, words, comments etc. It was very exhausting to be around him. Bert was a nightmare in any team. It was like an obsession. And here is what I came up with: Maybe this "know-it-all", compulsive contradicting is, indeed, part of an ASD-person's OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). Many Aspies are diagnosed with OCD, it is a very common comorbidity of ASD. Their obsession really is to contradict, correct, rectify, invalidate etc. They don't "get it" because it's part of their disorder. I don't try to justify or excuse this behaviour, it is disgusting, and I am glad that I have nothing to do with Bert anymore, but I think OCD might be an answer to Joe's question. |
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Tom 10:26 PM Tue 4th Aug, 2020 |
Just thought I'd ask has anyone found out a way to make living with an autistic person less grim? In my case my wife is very autistic but hid it well enough when we met thirty years ago, she was and is very attractive and I really loved her from the start, her odd behaviour when we were young just seemed to be quirky and only added to her allure, but soon after we were together and started having children I realized something was not right, you all know what I mean, the odd words, no tact whatsoever, smiling/laughing and talking loud at funerals etc. I had always thought that she would learn how to fit in and I always tried my best to explain and help her but I'm sorry to say after thirty years she is no better at all and I think slightly worse and I'm done, I'm worn out covering up for her when she jars people with shocking quips in social settings We have great kids that are well adjusted to the world so I have no plans to leave or anything but like I said I'm done and I'm not ashamed to say I feel hard done by after all those years of raising a family with her to never have felt the warmth of a nice word from her. I think the worst part is everything can run along smoothly and I actually think this is a totally workable relationship, then she will do or say something so socially unacceptable that I feel like a sparkling summer day has been plunged into a miserable wet overcast november afternoon Love Tom |
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Joe 12:54 PM Tue 4th Aug, 2020 |
There's another difficult AS type I've noticed - the contrarian. They go out of their way to be as unpleasant as possible and argue with anything someone says and are always trying to correct someone even if the person is not wrong about something. In real life you will avoid them because of their know it all and insulting attitude. They are also active on hobby forums and often get banned (and mistaken for trolls) because everyone will be having a civil discussion about a movie, for example and they'll go in and write several obsessive paragraphs about why everyone is wrong and why the movie really sucks and ruin the discussion. It's fine to have an opinion but they go overboard and go out of their way to have the opposite opinion of everyone else and love to invalidate other people. Does anyone know why some AS people act like this? For some AS this is their actual personality and can't understand as to why it makes them insufferable to be around. Is this just another manifestation of a lack of empathy and mind blindness? |
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Amanda 2:10 AM Tue 4th Aug, 2020 |
I’ve posted a couple of times and reassuring that I’m not the only ones with issues with aspie. Got home tonight I asked him how he’s day was he said ok, he said I did nt argue with any one push or hit anyone, he’s been getting increasingly frustrated at work cos he always think s he right . I’m so sad, don’t no if I can stay with him for the next 20/30 years I feel so cruel and cross with my self I don’t just want a friend flat mate I want a proper husband that cherished me adores me makes me feel so loved who shares our life together who takes hold of our life and pushes our life forward.... I don’t think that will happen I thank you all for reading this, thanks to the site ... don’t feel like I’m going so mad now ... take care everyone |
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Mary 1:38 AM Tue 4th Aug, 2020 |
To SJ (Aug. 2). You sound like an amazing, caring, patient human being. One who has tried his very best for someone he loves. As luck would have it, you fell in love with someone who will not and cannot ever love you back, in the way that you deserve. Because she has a brain disability that does not allow for reciprocation, care, and concern for you. It's not your fault, but it's also not your cross to bear. I applaud your decision to leave, and I want to encourage you to follow throuhg. And with tears of genuine compassion in my eyes I want to tell you that I wish you all the happiness and genuine love that you so richly deserve. All the best to you, SJ. |
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Jack 11:32 AM Mon 3rd Aug, 2020 |
Hi all, I feel for everyone pouring out their hearts on this site. I'm glad we have an outlet for our pain. My ex "Sheri" is pretty, outgoing and sociable, intelligent and sweet. Most people would be shocked to find out she is on the Spectrum. She is brilliant at masking in front of both strangers and friends. So like everyone else, I was fooled at first. She was fun to be around and we went out all the time,to concerts, plays, festivals. She told me that she had been diagnosed with ADHD, so when I started noticing strange responses from her, I blamed her behavior on that. Autism didn't cross my mind. But the more I was around her,the more I saw that something was off. She didn't get basic jokes when we watched comedians,and had no clue what I was saying if I used metaphors or common cliches. She pretended to understand, but that made it even more awkward. She is smart, but often used the wrong word or a weird word you don't hear people use often. I felt embarassed for her when she said things that made her look condescending and uneducated at the same time. She also did inappropriate, and sometimes dangerous things that even children know not to do, like climbing onto a stranger's parked Harley on the street when they didn't give permission. These were subtle signs, but then I found out that she didn't understand emotions in others. One time on a date, we passed a guy in the street yelling at a woman for being late. Sheri looked at me with a confused face and asked if the guy was happy to see the woman. I then knew why she could never tell when I was upset. She was mind blind. I think this could be why she was so cheap and petty, since she didn't have empathy for others. She told me not to ever tip, or at most only tip a dollar. I told her that was not nice since waiters work for tips, but she didn't care. I always paid when we went out to eat, but on my birthday she said we could split the check, thinking that was generous. She told one friend she hadn't seen in months that the friend owed her 82 cents from a restaurant bill they had split months ago. I broke up with Sheri after 6 months of feeling like I wasn't being understood. I realized she would always be wrapped up in her self-centered viewpoint, and not be interested in how I feel. It was difficult because she had a lot of good qualities. Sheri finally admitted at the end that she had been diagnosed as being on the autistim spectrum, but she didn't believe it was true. |
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Liz 8:17 AM Mon 3rd Aug, 2020 |
David, I completely agree with you. My Daughter dated a guy for a year and a half and he knew his weaknesses and how rude he was, he was fully aware that people didn't like him. He asked her to help him out with not only his awkwardness, but with everything else. He tried his very best and always seemed grateful for everything that she did for him. He was very sweet, caring and willing to do everything for her, and to make himself better. He always claimed he didn't want it to be like his father and grandpa who are not diagnosed but strongly suspected they also suffered the same condition. He'd always mention how much his grandma suffered and how his grandpa was abusive and really rude to her, and was afraid he would end up like them. Suddenly one day he gave up, he got offended for something he was called out on and told my daughter he was fine the way he was and she just needed to love him the way he was. They're both still in high school, my daughter kind of justifies some of his abusive behavior thinking he was just having a bad day or she was being drama. He started to get worse than he was before, not just with her but with others, especially some of my daughter's friends with special needs. He dramatically changed and in less than a month he was already with other girls and acting out again. I wasn't able to understand what she went through until I joined this site and learned more about how they truly are. Thank you all for sharing, this has helped my daughter to understand more and help with her healing process. We also think his mother is an aspy based on the way she behaves and of course that is not much help for him. Thank you all for sharing. |
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PhD 7:19 AM Mon 3rd Aug, 2020 |
To DAVID - I would like to sincerely thank you for each and every of your posts. You always offer very valuable and powerful insights and I'm certainly looking forward for more. But I would like to ask you - how do you define the "basic rules of decent human behavior"? As a mental health professional, I often see that people tend to confuse empathy with social skills. You can teach people on a spectrum to control the volume of their voice when in a public place, or to make sure not to invade someone's personal space by standing too close while having a conversation. You can't teach them empathy, David. Lack of empathy is what makes them narcissists and sometimes psychopaths.. You can't teach them not to abuse people. It is simply not possible. Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating for them, and although I chose my very profession as a result of trying to recover from a deep psychological trauma I suffered while being in a relationship with a guy on a spectrum, I do not treat them. The key to recovery is to never put them under the NT light. Never. I apologize for my English, I'm not a native English speaker. |
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James 4:12 AM Mon 3rd Aug, 2020 |
I suppose my experience is similar to everyone else's comments. I am a gay man who was in a relationship with a high functioning "aspie" for almost a decade. Him and I had plenty of communication problems from the onset and when I was told a few years into the relationship that he was atypical it made me feel resentment because this was crucial but withheld. I had gone through years of frustration and I did not choose to be in this relationship.i stuck with him because frankly I lived comfortably and he was an excellent provider, granted I worked as well but he made much more. I never waited for kisses and small tokens of affection and it was even painful without them. I felt unworthy of love at the time and I would say it put me in a dark place. I would talk about it with him and I never got why he never saw the need of my emotional well-being. I started to hate him at one point for his perceived withholding of needed affection. The thing is I realized something. While my resentment was founded in the fact he never informed me of his condition and allowed me to enter a relationship that, for me, requires everything a human needs, he at least did tell me and I did choose to be with him. Atypical people will not give you love in any way we expect. They can not. They show love in in other ways, subtle ways. The way I was hoping was like asking him to hear me while deaf, read my direction while blind. I can not imagine what is going on in his head but I can tell you he loved me because I still live in his house years later with my new partner. We are all friends. I get love but I see the ways my aspie works. I do not know if this will get published because it seems people want to attack people who are incapable of love when they don't get the impossible but, at least for the person who started this website and has a hateful heart, if you want love, touch, small signs of affection, endearment on a deep level, then do not look in it for an aspie. You will not be the exception. If someone is in need of love do not be foolish enough to look for it. I understand people have anger but the reason why Doctors get it and you do not is because you do not fully understand the science and you expect something that will never transpire. If you need love or are sensitive then recognize it IS different for people with AS. |
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Em 12:43 AM Mon 3rd Aug, 2020 |
Hello. I was in a relationship with an AS boyfriend for a few years. It was the most confusing, stressful times of my life. He'd say he loved me but he'd also make me feel worthless and unloved by how he treated me and by the things he said to me. I saw a few therapists. I went on Tinder a few times in secret because I just wasn't getting the intimacy I wanted. I never had the heart to go through with cheating and it added a lot of guilt into the mix as well. We were long distance for a while, and when I came to visit during the holidays he didn't bother to try to wake up earlier so we can do stuff (he slept until 3) and at night he'd play video games with his friends until morning. I don't know why I even bothered to come visit. The thing is I know he loved me fully and he was doing his best, but unfortunately his best wasn't enough. I finally broke up with him, I was unhappy and I felt it was also unfair to him that I kept thinking about cheating. He was crushed. He cried a lot. He said he loved me and would try to change. He wanted me to give him another chance. I knew he meant everything he said, but I also knew he was just not able to change. It broke me. When I told him I was unhappy, he couldn't understand it. How can I be unhappy if he's happy? He just simply couldn't process that other people can feel different things than him. He told me to wait and reconsider because I was just being irrational. It was the hardest thing I've ever done but I did it. I still care about him deeply and he's not a bad person but he just wasn't relationship material. I've now started dating a new (NT) guy. People would say I downgraded. My AS ex was rich, good looking, smart, travels a lot because his family own properties in different countries. But there's really no comparison in the amount of reciprocity and attention that you get. I'm the happiest I've ever been. I just about burst into tears whenever my new boyfriend does things as simple as buying me food, opening doors, or remembering my birthday. I'm excited about doing things for him and buying him stuff because I know he would do the same for me. I'm finally happy about being alive. It's okay to be selfish. Our happiness comes first. |
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Angela 11:35 PM Sun 2nd Aug, 2020 |
Reading this website has been eye opening. I've been dating a guy the last ~5 months but didn't see him for a long time due to Covid and stay home orders. I already noticed some things were a bit off after the first few dates. He was very matter of fact, strange way of communicating, old fashioned behaviours, would never answer the phone if I called out of the blue (only did this once or twice..), very routine/structure oriented. A very successful and seemingly outgoing guy but who was very awkward at times seemingly not knowing what to say or how to act. One time in the early dates he invited me over but said he will be having x for dinner and I could bring something to make for myself if I want. Like that's weird right? He also always wanted to get together mostly at his (and not for the reason you might be thinking I should add.) For the first 2 months ish it would be daily texts but then at the same time as Covid really kicked off he went through a stressful time at work and I would go weeks at a time without hearing from him/getting a reply. I thought this was just him ghosting me or going off me but then he'd pop back up chatting as if it was totally normal & nothing had happened, being sweet etc. I chatted to a friend about some of the above things and she said I wonder if he has Aspergers.. which led to a quick google and finding this site. It does seem to fit but then part of me is thinking, what if I've got it totally wrong? We have lots in common, he's handsome & as I said successful in his career.. but something just doesn't add up. |
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SJ 8:09 PM Sun 2nd Aug, 2020 |
First of all, many thanks for this website which helped me to keep sane and understand that I’m not the only one who has suffered from this. My story is similar, if not identical, to others published here. I’m a male, living for 16 years with an undiagnosed ASD/HFA/Asperger female partner. I’ve first-hand experience of the usual (and some not so common) traits of people on the spectrum and learnt to cope with them, albeit with some tremendous cost: - Endless anxiety about every single thing. - Tired easily with long cues, trips, conversations or other tasks. - Easily losing focus, inability to maintain a generic conversation without getting bored or personal debate without exploding in anger. - Talking without a pause about her special interests, staying silent and not participating in any other subject. - Narrow-minded, lost mostly in her interest 24/7. - Purely selfish, egomaniac, rigid as hell, insensitive. - Daily tantrums, some of them very extreme, no apologies at all. - Continuous blaming and intimidating, she’s always right. - Always taking the side of others and not mine, even if they are clearly wrong. - Uninterested in personal, emotional or sex discussions, with no initiative in adult play and mostly robotic or disconnected intercourse. - No fantasy, no spirituality, no political views. - No sense of humour or implications. - Obsessed with cleanliness, symmetry, order, schedules and rituals. - Oversensitive to smells, sounds and taste. - Obsessed with food and sweets, dietary disorders. - Speaks louder than normal most of the time, can’t understand tone of voice. - Fear of the unknown, no excitement in trying new things without feeling absolutely safe. - Dedicated to her ASD family (mother-brothers), spending precious time every day and sharing her life with them. - Needy for all her matters, not able or feeling grateful to give back in return. - Successful professional, very good at her job, competitive, but not at all a team player. At first, none of these was obvious. There was something “strange” in her, but that was somehow loveable. I became her “eyes” in the world, supporting her personally and professionally. That’s the trap, she was gaining and I was feeling valuable. Although everything was obvious after 3-4 years with occasional tantrums, the mask fell off completely after our marriage. She became a dictator, an abuser, an insensitive monster who got overwhelmed easily, especially under work pressure. When I connected the dots, reading books, articles, and this website, while figuring out it was a common thing in her family, I had two options, stay and try harder or leave. My truth is I love this person, and I decided to try new approaches under the different prism I could see her and my relationship due to her condition. My only thought was: “I wouldn’t leave her if she had an accident and left handicapped, I would be there for her, come what may…” I did my best to try and talk through what could benefit both of us, while giving focus to her demands. I swear that my intention was to make her happy, help her more than I’ve done already and love her till the seas run dry… Although, it was extremely and painfully difficult to put the topic “autism spectrum” on the table, with several hurtful outbursts from her side, it didn’t work. She still denies it and fights back, although it is more than obvious in her whole family, even back to her grandfather. As she keeps extremely close relations with her HFA family, I’m the one who’s different and wrong. She’s safe in the environment she grew up, where the HFA traits are the normal and not something to care about and work on. She was raised with absolutely no restrictions and criticism on her behaviour, so I’m the bad guy who doesn’t say yes to everything that she wants. With such denial of the problem, with no ability to see the big picture or collaborate, this seems to be a lost game. All this time my first priority has been my relationship, and now I’m experiencing the depth of damage this had on me. I’ve been experiencing the usual emotional abuse, walking on egg shells, trying the impossible of turning this into a normal relationship for so long. I’ve been feeling drained, invalidated, isolated, low self-esteemed, with long periods of depression, especially when I had no clue WTF was going on in my life. I left myself completely, lost in this chaotic anomaly. Now, I’m literally in the door-step with my suitcases. It’s very painful as much as death, but I have to protect myself and try to reborn and live again with no obstacles or mental issues. I hope that one day she could see the world with different eyes, and understand how much I loved her as she has a distorted understanding of what true love really is. It’s not fair for her, I really feel sorry for the difficulties she’s been facing, and I wish I could help and live my life with her under normal conditions. Thanks again everyone for sharing their experiences and personal dramas. Wish you all the best! |
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Cailín 4:46 PM Sun 2nd Aug, 2020 |
Looks like I am spending Sunday isolating in my bedroom. Husband has had yet another meltdown already over something trivial. His aggressive rage saddens me and I will take the blame as ever. A 41 year marriage of mis-steps, misunderstandings and his mind blindness just means I am trying very hard day by day to accommodate him, but who exactly accommodates the spouse? Fed up with this and trying to develop self care as a mechanism. |
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Amanda 4:44 PM Sun 2nd Aug, 2020 |
And also he says he doesn’t understand, when I try to talk to him..... |
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Amanda 4:20 PM Sun 2nd Aug, 2020 |
Thanks to you’re responses to my posting.. I also live with guilt, I think it’s all my fault that I’m asking too much I have moments were I think the best think to do is ask him to leave ... Then he does something nice and I forgive him .. I’m a soft personality but a independent and successful, I’m afraid off losing him but I really feel living with him for the rest of my life is scary.... he’s so untidy, messy, I’ve asked him not to swear as his does, he’s trying I don’t think he’ll survive with out me , and said if we break up he ll won’t want to Be my friend ... Do I give up on my dreams of happiness my health my digestive system is chronic My mental health is getting worse, I love my work and my daughters and mum too This is my 2 nd marriage, as nd I’m ashamed that I’m thinking about wanting to be on my own Thanks so good to find this site. |
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David 8:53 AM Sun 2nd Aug, 2020 |
I agree with Stephany's comment. I would also add that there is something that makes me very uneasy about the way that aspies are essentially coddled by mental health professionals, at the expense of those of us who are hurt by them. Let's use some common sense here. I firmly believe that aspies can be taught some basic rules of decent human behavior. They may not find such rules innate or intuitive due to an brain hard wiring disorder. But to say that they do not realize what they are doing, and the hurt that they are inflicting on others, is simply beyond reason. We can train pets to behave well- pets do not have the complex cognitive machinery that humans do, and yet they can be trained. Even pets have what appears to be empathy for their human owners when we are hurting. Pets with less sophisticated brains than ours. And yet we are supposed to accept that aspies- who are human beings with a high level of intelligence- cannot at least make an attempt to learn certain behaviors that meet us half way in our attempts at achieving a semblance of normal human relationships? Sorry, I simply don't buy it. I believe that aspies can do better, but that they actively choose not to, partly because of the protection afforded to them by the label of "disability". I believe that there is a manipulative part of their behavior that has been condoned and even enabled by mental health professionals, who themselves do not realize this deceptive character trait of at least some aspies. This is my personal opinion- I am not a mental health professional, but in some ways perhaps that is my strength, because I can call it the way that I see it. I admit that I could be wrong about this, but my views are shaped by my experiences, some of which might be valuable for health care professionals to consider, if they truly want to help not only aspies but the people who have been terribly hurt by them. It is time for mental health professionals to realize the entire family that should be viewed as the patient in these situations, not just the aspie. |
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PhD 6:28 AM Sun 2nd Aug, 2020 |
Dear Stephany, Welcome to the place where AS people ARE Held Accountable for the profound trauma they inflict on normal human beings. I refuse to use term "NT" and insist on calling us "normal people". Because WE ARE. To hell with political correctness, the pain AS put us through is pure hell and we do not deserve it. |
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Stephany 5:34 AM Sun 2nd Aug, 2020 |
A NT person who behaves the way an AS person would be considered rude, selfish, and abusive. AS get a pass because of their diagnosis, but is it right not to hold someone accountable because of their disorder? They might have a disorder, but their spouses, siblings, parents, and many people that are forced to deal with them are stressed out and victims to their aggravating behavior, narcissism and mindblindness. AS people can be so stressful to deal with that their spouses, family, etc. end up with health problems and mental health problems themselves from years of having to put up with AS behavior... which, if a NT person acted this way, would be considered abuse. I see support groups for people with AS and how other people need to accommodate them, but what about a NT family member who ends up a mental illness or health problem due to this behavior they've been forced to accommodate for years? AS doesn't just affect AS people. Everyone around them goes through hell. |
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Amanda 2:29 PM Sat 1st Aug, 2020 |
Writing this makes my situation like all yours very real ... I met a beautiful man 5 years ago, many of the usual aspie things happened... We split up many times, his charm smile eyes drew me back ...I married him a year ago, he changed even on our wedding day no compliments how mice I looked, he spent most of afternoon with his family... After a bad melt break down broken plates in sink hole in wall we’re he threw his phone left voicemail saying he was leaving we’re no one can find him... I was desperate rang police he eventually turned up. Police were great helpful worried for me as well as him. I’m so sad, I love him but fearful of future sad of support love I need .... |
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R.T. 4:16 AM Sat 1st Aug, 2020 |
This is my 2nd time posting on here. Unfortunately after 2 months of doing well with no contact, I made the mistake of reaching out to my "Aspie" a few days ago, in a moment of "neuro-typical", caring, normal, "wonder how he's doing", because heaven forbid he reached out to me, and/or actually cared, gesture. Only to be met with the usual robotic and detached, uncaring and un-empathetic response. He replied as usual at first, with no emotion, just a generic response, as if we hadn't been involved for the past almost 4 years, off and on, and haven't spoken in the past few moths. Later in the day, as the "conversation" (texting because he can't handle real adult conversations) progressed and I mentioned the few things that I was hurt by, a few months ago...him admitting that he had been withholding from his friends and family that we were talking again for months, as if I'm some kind of monster and that him telling me his Mother was "unimpressed" by me, even though she only met me for a few minutes, I live in a luxury apartment and make good money and genuinely cared for her son, while her adult son lives home and has nothing to show for himself. Naturally received no genuine apology for him being hurtful or saying hurtful things like that. Instead, I was met with defensiveness and then asked robotically, why I cared for him. And when I replied with honest answers, most of which were positive and loving statements, with little mention of my issues with his behavior, other than I'm used to dating people who spend time with me...because he prefers to be home, in his "safe space", as a grown man, living home with his parents. I didn't say all that to him but that is the dysfunctional reality of his life. 36 and still living at home in his childhood bedroom, hanging out with his parents on the weekend instead of socializing, playing video games and chatting with people online. Then the super awkward responses really kicked in. He suggests we could have virtual interactions via Skype going forward. Why would I Skype with someone, who lives 10 minutes away, rather than have a real attached human interaction? Oh wait...because I'm not an Aspie. He's super involved in the virtual world, but will also admit how sometimes he lives in a fantasy land. Typical Aspie. I agree with a lot of these posts, that their behavior gets worse over time, as the mask comes off. He no longer wears one with me or cares to. With "friends", family and co-workers, etc., he's "such a nice guy", and to me, the person who has done nothing but try to show him love, and kindness and caring, over and over again. I am repeatedly met with detachment, lac of empathy and total lack of appreciation. Well shockingly enough, because he can't handle any honest feedback, even though he asked for it, he ended our interaction with, "he was fine until I messaged him and I should go away". Mind you two months ago he was telling me that I make him happy, he's just not a happy person. Here I am left again...to "lick my wounds", alone as usual, while he carries on as if nothing matters. Certainly not me anyways. I truly relate to all of you in that through their actions, they truly show they are incapable of having ANY true, meaningful connection. With anyone. It will not change. That's actually one of my ex's favorite rebuttals...he's "not going to change". He couldn't possibly see that change can be good, is growth and is a normal part of life. Any other acted insights into himself, he will contradict in the next breath, and if you say the same thing to them, that they say will admit about themselves, you're the one with the problem and it's the end of the world. I'm done for good, even trying to care as a friend. He was involved in a major motorcycle accident last year, while we were out of contact and I had no idea. I think about those things, like a normal caring person, that I like to know he's ok, etc. But to him, I'm just something he has to deal with...that "forces" him to deal with emotions, interactions, life. I will always care but it will NEVER be reciprocated. No truly. |
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Viola 12:46 AM Sat 1st Aug, 2020 |
I spare you my story as it is roughly the same as everybody else's here. So I just want to tell you this: Do it, leave! Including people that may have financial/family ties. You can make it and anything else after will seem like a walk in the park. I promise you. It is going to feel so good and you are going to be re-born. Regardless if you start dating again or not, getting reed of a massive rock pulling you down is going to save your life, metaphorically and realistically speaking. We were not born to grief 24/7. Choose life. These individuals have a toxic charm and that is why so many struggle to let them go but once you break the spell and start tasting life again, you'll know the difference and that's going to be sooo sweet. Happy life everybody! |
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Gina 11:45 PM Fri 31st Jul, 2020 |
@mary I can completely relate to everything you wrote Never had experience with an Asperger's person before after a month of dating I ended with him upon returning from a comedy show He seemed a bit confused as he thought 'everything was going well' Then suddenly decided that because of one innocent message I sent him regarding plans in the previous week we were incompatible.....and to quote he could not understand my way of thinking or the way I saw the world or the Universe? Pretty strong statement there so I left it He asked to stay friends and I said yes no problem 1st month as you described once a week dates not much communication in between just something seemed a little off with him from the beginning although he was pleasant enough He would invite me on dates and acted like he was just somewhere else and sometimes like he didn't even want me there Within a couple of weeks he felt I had perhaps jumped the gun about him Not knowing what exactly I was dealing with at that time I thought perhaps I might have We continued but over the next month same behaviour Rigid robotic poor non verbal communication Couple of compliments at the beginning then after that nothing I tried to gently approach what I could only describe as a feeling of INDIFFERENCE from him But by just over two months in I started to feel gaslighted blamed he didn't 'get things' I couldn't approach anything with him but I was made to feel like I was attacking him Self absorbed and it dawned on me he had a problem not only seeing my perspective but also the perspective of others Coming up to 3 months I was done just so confused But he tried again to come back? Restart And at that point I laid a firm boundry with him and said No way I was made to feel guilty for setting a boundry of course We have mutual friends so I knew he wasn't getting it and rather than cause a scene I just cut him off. My self esteem took a wobble and my confidence was knocked a little This person who kept saying he was trying to get to know me I wasn't giving him a chance Yet wouldn't even enquire as to how my day had been etc Seemed unable to express emotions and I never knew if he was happy or sad or anything Lack of facial expressions monotone verbal expressions etc something's just sounding so scripted Although I did mention to him I felt he was wearing a mask and hiding something from me at one point Because of mutual friends etc we did speak again 2 months after I ended it He acknowledged how I would feel he was indifferent to me etc At that point knowing he had a definate diagnosis of dyslexia as a child and looking at forums had lead me to the Nuerotypical website/Asperger's And when I read all the testimonies the penny actually dropped I was astounded at the identification I got and the similarities I think perhaps he knew I can't be sure I mentioned Asperger's to him so weather he knows or not he has had some feedback @Phd I also thought Narcissism He had a couple of friends that he seemed to treat well and a relatively good relationship with his sister But it seemed to me or rather I came to the conclusion that the intimate partner would be the one who got the worst of him I'm glad I trusted my gut instinct Some of these testimonials are heartbreaking to read My ex said he didn't 'mean to intentionally hurt anyone' So I suggested he get help for himself then Weather he does or not is anyones guess but he is an adult running a successful business etc So that's on him I will have to see him socially because of mutual friends But I'm glad I'm out of that relationship |
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Fairlie 5:48 AM Fri 31st Jul, 2020 |
Further to what I wrote earlier today - I think that several things are the most challenging for NT's - mainly understanding the different ways 'Aspie' partners often think, act and react (over or under). There's no way to make sense of it except to realize and accept that their brains are just 'wired' differently'. It can be like dealing with 'an alien species'! It's easy to take things very personally and be stressed/angry. If I keep a 'cool head' I can think of creative ways to communicate or act. My husband can sometimes seem quite normal and other times he'll do and say things that are insensitive and problematic for me and others. He can be arrogant and overly critical. This could be because he's over-stimulated, tired or hungry. With this Covid situation he's been paranoid a couple times but has stopped watching main stream news which helps a lot! With time and patience I've learned more about Aspergers, forgiven him for past 'offenses' discuss concerns with him and have 'trained' him to be more aware and thoughtful - even apologizing to me when he's inappropriate. With my support he takes better care of himself. I do sometimes remind him to pay attention to his hygiene and wearing cloths that 'match'. Yes, I'm a partner, mother figure, teacher, nutritionist, counselor and sounding board for some of his 'ideas'. He also contributes a lot to my well-being - being very thoughtful, helpful and supportive in many different ways. He's not at all interested in sex and I've been able to accept that. He's affectionate. I try to see/focus on his positive qualities. I've had to accept that certain situations and sensory stimuli (like noises, extreme temperature changes) can de-rail him. Years ago he would sometimes 'bolt' leave me when stressed (including when on vacations). This would REALLY upset me but I was able to get him to stop by talking about it with him. I believe that positive changes can happen but it does take time, patience and creativity. I 'choose my battles'. Some things just aren't important enough to tackle. My husband (now retired) does a lot for us - he gladly shops, likes to cook, does the laundry and various errands, will do some 'repairs'. Showing my appreciateion for his efforts does encourage him to be helpful. His mind is often 'elsewhere' so picking up after him sometimes or doing most of the household chores isn't really that important. Having a peaceful environment matters most - especially having had many turbulent times in the past. Karen mentioned a problematic situation when driving with her partner. (Karen, I hope you find a solution for this matter to feel and be safe!). Some of the 'Aspies' in my life are unpredictable when driving - sometimes distracted or angry and aggressive. I now avoid driving with people I don't feel 'safe' with in a vehicle. We live in a city with good public transportation so we don't have a car. |
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PhD 4:47 AM Fri 31st Jul, 2020 |
This is in response to Karen. There is no "borderline situations" with people with Aspergers. Yes, it is a spectrum; however, what you might perceive as "borderline" is nothing but masking and pretending. From my personal experience and everything I have learned over the years on this subject, I would highly recommend that you run while you can. If you decide to stick around and continue to engage, you will inevitably see the mask slip and your person's behavior become more and more narcissistic. |
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Fairlie 1:45 AM Fri 31st Jul, 2020 |
Karen, this is a response to your concerns about staying with someone with Aspergers. My husband and I have been together for 33 years. We've had both very good and also extremely difficult times! I can relate to many of the painful situations other people describe. As I mentioned in another post, I'm grateful that we're doing better now and I listed some things that have helped so I won't repeat what I said there - you can look it up (Posted June 30/20). From what you've written some things stand out. You've been researching and recognize his 'differences' that can be attributed to Aspergers. His very supportive, loving care for his parents and steps to be closer to his brother have impressed you. Some 'Aspies' have more potential than others to have good relationships - his good relationships with family and friends are a positive sign. As well, partners differ in their abilities to understand, cope with challenges, find creative ways to deal with situations and communicate their needs. A few years ago, when I first learned about Aspergers, I read many comments from spouses (on other sites) and occcasionally there would be someone saying that they were happy in their relationships and mentioned the positives about their partners/husbands - loyalty was one. It does take certain qualites and efforts to make any relationship 'work' but even more with someone with this condition. Their ways of thinking and behaving can be quite 'foreign' to us! Communication can be challenging but it's key to understanding one another better and accepting or altering 'view points'. Whether to stay in or leave a relationship is a difficult decision. Whether from a break up or partners death, it's important to have a 'back up plan' and access to resources/support for health and happiness. From what you described about yourself and your partner I think/feel that yours could be a successful and happy relationship. |
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Lolita 10:58 PM Thu 30th Jul, 2020 |
Karen, I just read your testimonial. I would say leave, my aspie ex seems very similar to your aspie. When I married and started living with him things got worse. It was like a switch was turned off in his brain and I became invisible to him. He stopped speaking to me about anything that was not essential. He also became more and more lost in a world of his own. There was no emotional connection between us. After 1.5 years of living like this, the emotional and social deprivation manifested in me as severe stomach aches and depression and I left. In my view, start detaching yourself and leave before things get worse. |
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Jane 10:12 PM Thu 30th Jul, 2020 |
Dear Karen and all, I have just come back to the site as I am, yet again, struggling with my AS partner. I am living with him and surviving, in the bare sense of the word, but it's not pleasant. I have to continually take the blame for everything, I am repeatedly cut off without being able to share my feelings, and I have to always apologize even when I have nothing to apologize for and rather deserve an apology from him, which I will absolutely, never get. I came here to read your testimonials and write my own as it helps me to have a place where someone is listening, where I don't get cut off (I can write out my frustration and my comment doesn't get cut off, unlike in my real life) and where I can truly, honestly say how I feel. I hope we can all stand this and find some way to live peaceful, satisfying lives, but I sincerely doubt it, unfortunately. Things get marginally, slightly better and then get way worse again. I can't focus, I don't feel very well emotionally, and physically, everything, and I don't know what to do with my life, where to go from here, it's just a constant struggle. Lots of love to all who are reading and struggling, too...at least we're truly not alone, we all have each other. Let's remember that in our worst and most challenging times. |
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Mary 9:45 PM Thu 30th Jul, 2020 |
To Karen (July 30). I understand your struggle, and I was likewise torn with the Aspie guy I dated on-off for two years. The high-functioning ones can be so charming, so witty, so intelligent in ways you don't see in most NTs. But their limitations are hard-wired, and don't show up reliably, or they can be masked. So the flashes of caring and empathy that you may see in your partner when dealing with others, cannot be counted on when it comes to YOU. Frankly, they can treat those that are closest to them, the worst. And this will hurt you even more. Using your examples: 1) He may have cared for his mom when she had cancer. But if you came down with a serious disease (heaven forbid) you might very well find yourself alone, ignored, and unsupported. 2) He may have patched things up with his brother, but there is no guarantee that with you he will apply the same relationship-repair efforts. In fact, this Forum and many other ASD forums have thousands of stories from AS partners whose significant others have no insight that there is even a problem in the relationship, let alone take steps to repair. In fact, they are often in denial and either ignore or blame their significant others for the problem. 3) You may prompt him to ask about your day. He may do it sometimes. But you will have to keep prompting. And rest assured after a decade you will eventually wonder bitterly why someone you have cared cannot remember this tiny task, and why it STILL does not come to him naturally. 4) He is loyal to his small number of friends and family, but he doesn't live with them. The insidious neglect and aloofness that Aspies have in close quarters will only wear you down and erode your self esteem. In short: "borderline" Aspies are still not the full package. Permit me to ask: Why are you even considering to settle for less, Karen? |
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Karen 1:58 PM Thu 30th Jul, 2020 |
I have learned so much from reading all of your insights, and in particular I think David has made a great point in answer to why we stay involved with someone when we start to see the signs of AS in a partner. It's that need to offer love and warmth to someone who is special in your life, but I know that I need to feel loved and cherished in return. I have heard the expression 'borderline' asperger, and I'm aware that there is no 'one-size-fits-all' when it comes to describing an AS person. My partner does not exhibit all the characteristics that have been outlined in the very helpful documents on this site, but some are so clear that I spotted it early on: the exaggerated vocabulary when speaking or texting (every written word starts with a capital letter which I find interesting); a heightened sensitivity to certain noises and to skin-touch; total focus on talking about himself or his interests (his response to my suggestion sometimes that he could ask about MY day sometimes results in his annoyance that I am 'prompting' him, to which I agree and suggest he should still ask); the superiority he feels in relation to others around him (although he has conceded that I and my friends are quite intelligent, which has had me giggling as I confirm to him that he's right !!); the inability to understand jokes and satire - in fact it's not just lack of understanding, he sometimes takes a joke completely seriously; his driving can become quite alarming if other drivers are overtaking or going at high speed - it's as though he has to compete; and last but not least, the empathy and emotional feedback is not 'normal' but this is where I am confused about the 'borderline' situation. His sense of loyalty to close friends (small in number) and family is quite extraordinary, and I know he understands how to care. For example, his mother suffered for 9 months with cancer and he was constantly at her home helping her and visiting her at the hospice - the same for his father some years earlier. And he still gets emotional and tearful talking about what she went through. He also had a falling-out with his brother and has personally taken steps over the last few months to rebuild the bridges. I have known and loved him for over a year now and although I am aware that showing affection does not come easily to him (and by the way, I don't think AS people have a monopoly on that issue), I do have the impression that he cares. Am I daft? However I also recognise that my relationship with him will not be the same as between two NTs. And so this is my dilemma - do I listen to all of your warnings that I know have been written from the heart and from a genuine place of much pain for some of you? Or are there also some happier stories out there from people who have lived with an AS person and survived? Is it all doom and gloom? Do I cut the ties now? It's hard! |
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Mary 11:28 AM Thu 30th Jul, 2020 |
To Liz (July 30), I could have written your post word-for-word. I also dated a guy for over 2 years, on-and-off. I figured out the Aspergers' about 1 year into the relationship, but I still stuck around despite the baffling disconnection, frustration, communication issues, aloofness, and rude/blunt comments. He professed a desire to be with me, but it always felt like it would be fine if he did not see or hear from me for days or weeks. He did call to ask me out weekly (probably a script), but then rarely looked happy to see me, never planned anything I wanted to do or might enjoy, was unaffectionate and vacant, never asked about me, and just talked constantly about himself. He has no friends, and just piggy-backed onto my social life if and when it suited him. (Conversely, if he did not feel like attending something I invited him to, he just wouldn't. End of story). Of course, I'm just describing a textbook Aspie, and it's my own fault for staying as long as I did, even knowing what I was up against. I did break up with him 4 or 5 times, but I went running back because guys like this can be so intelligent and charming. Yet, it still falls squarely on me to untangle why I didn't bail out at the first red flag, and would have tolerated this for so long. To those who have realized they are in a non-relationship with an Aspie -- just leave. Go, go, go. As fast as you can. They cannot change, they cannot give you a proper relationship, and they will never, ever care about how much you've tried, or how much you are hurting, depleted, or lonely. They literally cannot care. It's a terrible brain dysfunction, and very well hidden in many of them, but none of that sad reality eases the Aspie partner's own suffering. You will never get true love, support, care, comfort, understanding or empathy from those who have Asperger's. Never. |
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Liz 2:35 AM Thu 30th Jul, 2020 |
I just ended a on-off relationship with an Aspergers man that lasted over 2 years. My therapist told me stay away when noted the communcation and emotional inconsistancies but I didn't know the depth of an Aspie man's inability to connect and I have paid dearlly for this mistake. My story is like everyone elses. You feel like they don't care about you at all but they protest that they do. You leave the relationship feeling like you have been punched in the face by an Aspergers man that you believe cares for you but his actions make you feel unimportant, unseen, unheard, invisible, unwanted, lonely, confused, unvalidated, unworthy, ignored, needy, and delusional. I am not upset at myself for falling into this trap because you have to experpience being in a relationship with a person like this to actually believe they exist. It is almost incomprehensible that someone so genuinly charming,intellient, caring, popular, hardworking and so strong in his convictions to be with you could simoultaneously be so cold, oblivious, unaffectonate and aloof. The worst feeling is knowing that you would have given anything to make it work with this person and yet they also make you feel you are the cause for the relationship failure when he cannot even be bothered to respond to a text or call you back. It is unfathomable that someone would marry you and yet is unable to give you the basic reciprocity of affection and care. My boyfriend genuinly tried to please me but it was always crumbs. It was torture. He never asked me questions, the affection was forced and robotic and he would ignore me after great dates. At the beginning he was attentive and caring but as the relationship continued and he knew he "had me" he never iniatied dates, would sit next to me during movies at my place and not try to touch me or engage me at all and then would claim that our relationship was "shallow". His aloofness and indifference never ceased to amaze me. I have been in pain since I met this man and I know he doesn't care at all. His tagline is "I think logically" and whenever I tried to explain why any woman would feel alienated by her boyfriend not texting or calling he would coldly say with a laugh that "I'm not concerned with what everyone else thinks". I could never get through to him. There was never any closeness or bond and I feel like the relationship meant nothing to him when I though he was the love of my ife. I am still reeling and am disbelief that this happened to me. Do not ever think you can do anything to receive the love, partnership, and understanding that is a given in any normal relationship. Everyone told me to run and now I know why. Now I know he is too dangerous for me to be around and I hope to never fall into this trap with him again. |
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Anastasia 5:29 PM Wed 29th Jul, 2020 |
Just came across this site and now feel sick to my stomach. I have been fighting with myself for the past 5 years whether I stay or leave and reading these comments just makes all my worries about the future so much worse.....I have been in a relationship with my partner for 17 years and have 3 children. 6 years ago he was diagnosed with Asperger's which in a way was a relief... to know this was the cause of many frustrations in the relationship and that he didn't mean to hurt my feelings. I thought we could work out a plan since we both now could understand what was going on in the relationship and each others needs but 6 years later I still feel as though I am a single mum, I'm losing myself more and more. He is not an angry aspie, so to break up the family over me feeling like I would get less emotionally hurt being on my own, tears me apart and so I continue to push my feelings aside and continue on. |
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Roisin 9:53 AM Wed 29th Jul, 2020 |
I would like to agree with those on this site who state that aspies are truly incapable of what NTs describe and require as love. Reciprocity is just simply not possible, in my opinion, for an Aspergers partner Those of us on this site who have been involved with Aspergers men and women do frequently possess very deep ability to love and to empathize, and are easily enticed into codependency. It became clear that my ex husband of 28 years had been an alcoholic who knew no "rock bottom," but after I extricated myself from that relationship, which was no easy feat, codependency had become a lifestyle for sure. After much soul searching, I have actively sought help for this type of behavior, and find now, after a couple of years, therapy, Alanon, and deliberate celibacy, that I am becoming much better at perceiving the red flags, and ending involvements very quickly, before things become out of control.I am also attracting more responsive and loving NT men and friends. We all need, and deserve, reciprocal love and caring. All the best to everyone on this site in our mutual struggles! |
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Katie 4:08 AM Wed 29th Jul, 2020 |
I’m so happy that I found this sight!! My experience was much like yours Jean. My relationship lasted for 8mos, with a man who was diagnosed with Aspergers in college, but never seeked any therapy that I feel could’ve really helped, and never didn’t talk about it much. Like Jean, my ex-boyfriend would never come over to my place, even though I was the one working full-time, and he just lived off a trust fund. I was 30 and he was 41 when we got together, and initially I was drawn to how intelligent he was on certain topics, how much he loved nature, and generally seemed to care about others well-being. Although, he hadn’t had a girlfriend in 5 years, he had many girlfriends before me; "one right after the other in his 20s", as an acquaintance of his, that knew him for many years, explained to me. He didn’t have any close friends, but that didn’t bother me initially as he really put on the best performance. Sex wasn’t robotic, but not the best, as he would stop me in the middle of and say something that made it seem like he wasn’t really even connected to the moment. All sex then stopped completely within a little over a month after our relationship began. I tried to initiate, and show very obvious signs of how much I desired him, but eventually gave up because he acted like he didn’t even notice, or when I got overly obvious he would just hit me with harsh rejection and yell something like “why are you rubbing my crotch”. At the same time, he always talked about sex, and it drove me crazy. Around the time that sex stopped, little by little the mask began to come off. The gas-lighting in this relationship became really apparent 6mos into dating him; he would tell me that I’d never find anyone, and would struggle all of my life to my inability to make emotional connections with others, and therefore I was lucky to have found him. He would also say that I needed to seek therapy for low self-esteem; all of my friends whole-heatedly disagreed with him on that. The truth is though, that he was sucking all of the self-esteem out of me, and by hanging around him I was beginning to lose myself. For months on end he never complimented me, and always just gave me criticism, but at the end of the day would say he loved me; I didn’t get how he could possibly be sincere, when he could never find anything good to say about me. Birthday’s and holidays are important to me, and I would invite him out to holiday parties, but he would never come. He expected people to always recognize his birthday, and I treated him on his birthday, but when mine came up, he didn’t even acknowledge it. The silent treatment from him, was very common in our relationship; when he would finally talk, he would still act grumpy for days and say something vague like “it just bothers me, that you don’t understand why I am upset”. He had severe separation anxiety, and if I couldn’t come over at least 3 nights a week, he would definitely let me know how upset he was, but would never except an invitation to come to my place instead. This anxiety was one of many things that made me feel like I was more like his mother than his SO. He was also a night owl, always going to bed at 4am and sleeping until noon, and put no effort into changing this so that we could meet half-way in our schedules; I needed to be at work by 8am on weekdays, and have trouble sleeping past 8am on the weekend too. On weekends I would sit around doing nothing until 1pm or 2pm, because he’d get upset if I left without him to exercise or something, and by the time he was up and ready to do something, he didn’t even seem to realize that the day was more than half-done for me. I’m very independent and self-sufficient, but it never did occur to him, that maybe I should go over and help my girlfriend with her flat tire. Or maybe I should help her with her friend’s move. Or maybe I should offer to pick my girlfriend up from her dental procedure. Nope, he was mind-blind to small gestures of affection like that. I tried to make it obvious, by asking him straight-forward if he could help by picking me up or something, but since it usually interfered with his daily, non-work, routine he would say something like "I have other things that I should do at home". He was very black and white in his thinking, and he became more and more snappy throughout our relationship. The most petty things would send him into melt-down. And yet, I was so quite and tolerant of his behavior, even though I’d be crying myself to sleep at night. He never seemed aware of his wild emotional overreactions, and never apologized about it when someone was able to point out his outbursts. Along with the melt-downs, he had a growing hoarding problem. He could never pass by something on the roadside, that was free, without taking it home. Nearly everyday, his brief excursions into society included a trip to the town thrift shop where he would buy items for $1, $5, or $10, and then would research, for hours, while we were together to show me how he made money, because the items were selling for $11, $15, or $40 online; yet, he never did put any effort into actually selling the items (chalices, candle stick holders, and such) that he bought from the thrift store, and just let them pile up, consuming his whole spare bedroom. In the end I really wasn’t getting anything out of the relationship, it was just sucking me dry emotionally, but still cared about him deeply for some reason. It wasn’t until the COVID-19 shutdowns happened that I was able to finally break-up with him, as his level of paranoia around the pandemic greatly exceeded mine. Since I was still going to the grocery store, and work (with social distancing), and not washing my clothing the second I got home he called me one of those “stupid people, who believes in conspiracy theories” on several occasions, until I told him it was over. I loved this man, but he had no ability to show love back. I’m still getting over this relationship, and it makes me upset how much effort I put in to trying to make things work, and how little he was able to show he cared. He would say he cared, but he was just mind-blind on how to show it. My ex was not a narcissist, he just didn’t have any ability to self-evaluate sometimes, or perceive how others would feel, which made him seem like one sometimes. He wouldn't intentionally hurt you the way narcissists do. For example, he is on the fitness app “Strava” and bragged to everyone else he met that was on it how great his ratio was since he only follows 3 people and has over 100 people following him; he’d say “nobody has a better ratio than me”, which people just found this snobby, and I tell you, he had no clue. |
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Done. 2:45 AM Wed 29th Jul, 2020 |
If you are early enough into the relationship to run, RUN! Or you will end up, miserable, broken, trapped and physically too ill to leave, just like me. Years of gaslighting and invalidation WILL take their toll on you, i don't believe that any NT women can avoid the terrible, awful effect that AS men have on us. I am ill, financially trapped and have no idea how to escape this angry man/child who is now becoming increasingly emotionally abusive (more than AS causes) Don't do it. |
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David 8:22 PM Tue 28th Jul, 2020 |
When I read these experiences, I am constantly reminded that we unknowingly share a common feature that makes us very vulnerable to being trapped in a relationship with an aspie. I believe that we all share a certain degree of co-dependency, myself included, which is damaging to us in the long run. It makes us feel validated to be with someone who needs to be loved and understood, when no one else has been able to do that for them. We welcome such a person into our lives, in order to give ourselves meaning. We need to help the aspie (or the narcissist- it's the same dynamic) in order to make ourselves feel good about ourselves. That is co-dependency, and it's unhealthy. In so doing, we sacrifice ourselves for someone else, we soon realize that we are nothing more than a caretaker, and it drains us and makes us question our worth when our efforts are not reciprocated. We cannot change the aspie, and yet we fool ourselves into thinking that there will be improvement, if we could only try harder to reach into their psyche. And when we fail to do that, we blame ourselves. But aspies are fixed in their ways, believing that they are perfect, the next stage in human evolution, and that we are the ones who are flawed. If we are honest with ourselves, we will realize that there is a part of our hearts that needs an excessive (and inappropriate) amount of validation from someone who is essentially broken, in order to fix them. In a healthy relationship, however, we should not want to "fix" or "change" anyone, and with an aspie in particular, this is simply impossible to do. Let's try our best to recognize our true value as empathetic, caring human beings, and let's direct our energies to people who appreciate those qualities in us. We are not here to fix a broken person, and in so doing become broken ourselves. We are here to find a relationship that enables us to grow and flourish, and to do the same for our partner. Let's set emotional boundaries for ourselves so that we recognize when we are giving too much without getting anything in return. Every person who has contributed to this website deserves better than what an aspie partner is able or willing to provide. They are not our responsibility- we have a responsibility to ourselves first. Don't allow an intrinsically broken person to destroy the very thing that makes you special- your ability to love, empathize, and enjoy a fulfilling relationship with someone who deserves you. The aspie does not. |
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Chrissy 1:45 PM Tue 28th Jul, 2020 |
Hi, I'm glad I found this site. I suspect my ex is an Aspie. When we met everything was amazing, but even on out first date (a weekend together) he walked around watching parliament on his phone. He did things, that were cute and endearing. When we went to make love, he'd make excuses and say he was rubbish at it or too nervous, or felt like a virgin (he's 49 and previously married). He made me feel the weekend has been a disappointment from his behaviour, he always seemed distant. But he loved the weekend, and we met up 2 weeks later for another. On this weekend though, same excuses when it came to sex, but his dog that he always brought with him wasn't eating, so I suggested searching online and he completely lost it and shouted at me, out of nowhere. I cried. He always had to have the lights completely dimmed too. At xmas he came to my parents for xmas, and ended up counting everyone at church. He drinks constantly. For xmas he didn't buy me much, and after xmas instead of buying me something extra, he bought himself a new phone, iPad etc. Then at valentines day he knew I wanted flowers, but didn't;t buy me any. It was like he couldn't understand how much it hurt. He was always selfish, everything was about him. He'd always tell me not to analyse anything, and he was always in a bad mood. I miss him terribly, but he made me so ill. I lost a stone in weight, and I was a constant nervous wreck. We were long distance too. I know I should run, but I still want him back. There's so much more I could add, and I'd only been with him almost a year. |
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Clare 3:58 AM Tue 28th Jul, 2020 |
Hi. I am so grateful I have found this site and it has stopped me going crazy this evening. I am sitting here on my own again as my ASD husband is asleep upstairs . Having a shutdown as something trivial didn’t go his way . No doubt this will last for days ... I have been married for 11 years and together 17 . He is a master of masking . No hang on truth is he drinks and only when he stopped drinking his ASD become clear as day and it’s awful living with it . I love him but it’s lonely and I’ve cried buckets of teas through his drinking and lying and now his diagnosis. I now have to think can I face this for the next 20 odd years ?? Most of the time he is fine , does things for me , very attentive but I literally have to lose my shit before he sees that I am upset or cry myself stupid until he sees I am sad. I am an independent confident woman with a large social circle so why am I here sat alone when he is shut down upstairs ?? I don’t know what to do anymore. I have heard that it gets worse with age and that’s why I think it’s so obvious now (he is 52). He didn’t start off like this because I know think alcohol masked it. I feel like staying married but carving a life of my own in order to protect my sanity . |
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Jan 2:39 AM Mon 27th Jul, 2020 |
This site has literally saved my sanity!! I was with an Asperger boyfriend for almost two years, and I literally lost myself during that time. I can't believe how far I fell. There's a quote from another website which seems to be inactive now, that stated my experience perfectly: "Do not minimize the extent of my having been changed from a vivacious, sensual, happy, loving, athletic, healthy, wealthy, bright, articulate, socially adept human to being melded and molded to accommodate an autistic adult into exactly the opposite of who I am for the sake of a one-sided relationship." I entered the relationship fully alive, well, healthy, trusting, happy, strong, and slowly over the course of the relationship he turned me into his caretaker and I slid into confusion, sadness, isolation, frustration, loneliness and I lost my vibrancy. To be a deeply empathic woman living with a man who did not have the capacity for empathy is actually the definition of hell. I have so much I want to share, for now I just wanted to say, I'm here too. Thank you all for your words and your witness. |
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Kathryn 8:38 PM Sat 25th Jul, 2020 |
I am so happy to have found all of you here on this site. Because of our empathy and ability to love and our strength, we entered into love relationships with people who could not meet our needs but in many cases they did try. I was with a man for almost 5 years who was undiagnosed AS. We broke up in January before the quarantine. He immediately found (or at least said he found) other women to sleep with and,I think in an effort to hurt me, told me about them and then blocked me on his phone. The hurt AS person has learned through many years of painful experiences how to get even or how to cut off people so as not to have to have social and emotional interactions that only confuse them and drain them. If we are asking an aspie to be like us, it’s like asking a fish to fly. I miss my ex deeply for all the do e things he was. When we were together I found value in myself for protecting him socially and protecting our time and keeping all things within the parameters he required. In the end, i think he did his best to be a good partner but I think it is important to know that things won’t change even if you love them. Your life will always be riddled with issues of some kind but only the relationships that accept the hard work can survive and part of the work is the Aspies choice too. Many times they may just find it easier to be alone and to deal with emotional pain they will need to cut you off. It hurts, but let them go with compassion. They would have loved you if they could. They can not navigate relationships like us. We get hurt in the trying. After our break up I suffered deeply and learned to Meditate, work out physically and love myself. I connected with old friends and paid attention to people who needed me in my family and circle of friends as best I could as a wounded heart myself. In time, you will all heal and find love again. Drop your AS card now and then if it helps you feel good to be compassionate but know that most likely they are not coming back to you. Do things to lift yourself up. Thank you for being here on this site and I wish you all love and happiness! You’ve learned so much through this process. It hurt, it was bad, but it could have been worse. Don’t fool yourself that it could have gone any better than it did. Focus on your future now. I am. Love to all of you!!!! |
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Flávia 7:06 PM Sat 25th Jul, 2020 |
I don't speak English very well, but I'd like to write a testimony too because I'm incredulous that this is also my place. I never imagined accessing a website that would find so many stories with evident signs of similarity to my story. I could count on so many different perspectives, remember all the details... but I don't know how much it causes more suffering and pain, mainly because my ex-boyfriend probably doesn't feel half as much as I do. Every day I live this story and I can't find an end. Why do I feel trapped in this story that was, yes, horrible? My ex-boyfriend is a French mathematician and I'm Brazilian (biologist passionate about human life and mind, ironically). The story always begins as the same as all of you: kindness, classic careful man, intense in his intentions, constant efforts to reach me emotionally, many gifts, poetry.. And then, the communication signals collapsing, violence always with personal tones and dialogues that I was completely excluded from. All intentions gradually diminished, until everything that was affective disappeared completely. It was 2 years feeling guilty without even knowing what could be "ASPERGER". I'm nobody to diagnose it, but like all of you ... I believe I know what I lived and never had another hard experience like this. We made a plan where I would come to Europe to live with him, after getting my Italian citizenship and he would do his doctorate in Europe too. In the end, he chose a doctorate in Canada, in a very pragmatic and emotionless way, and left me alone in the middle of the pandemic, without offering any support, he simply gave up everything and abandoned me. And nowadays he doesn't see that there is any fault in that, but "only differences in personalities". He holds me responsible for everything!! I make the psychological profile of "generous and empathetic" and collect relationships with selfish and narcissists. But in that case, he being a possible asperger, how can I judge my whole story? He broke up with me and slept on the phone while I cried, and now he says he wants to be my friend, but: 1) he only responds when he wants to; 2) speaks only of superficial matters; 3) emotional freezing; 4) no longer speak to me on the phone and show no regret; 5) He interferes with personal discussions and makes arrogant comments that he cannot help me. How should I do it now? Should I exclude that person from my life? I don't answer anymore? I like him very much, I appreciate him... but why am I allowing this abusive invasion in my life? It only brings me suffering! How did you break free from this cycle of addiction? I can no longer bear to be abandoned.. I have no more tears because I'm demolished. I'm sorry for all of us. I know that many times we're not heard, families never imagine that behind "stubbornness or a person committed to their work / studies" they can be really toxic, with intense problems. I wish you all the best because my heart is with you on the other side of the world! :( |
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Traumatized 11:14 PM Fri 24th Jul, 2020 |
@Bev & Chrissy I thought I was the only one who experienced that. The guy and I were in the spa and he just stalked younger men half his age (teenagers!). It was really creepy. People actually looked disgusted at us and walked out away. I still don't get why I did put up with so many things he did to me. I guess, I really loved him and a part of me still does. |
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Bev 6:30 PM Fri 24th Jul, 2020 |
Chrissy, I still love and miss him too. The whole thing really messes up with your head. He find teen girls on instagram (like 17) "hot and young". We're in our late 20s. I used to think he was just clueless and inexperienced. I even looked up porn addiction as a possible cause for everything. Maybe I was still in the love bombing phase but he'd tell me he loves me and he'd try to spend time with me all the time. (His idea of spending time together is watch a movie, or just talking, and whenever we do it makes me feel like I'm entertaining a child) Our relationship moved very fast. It makes me feel guilty, like I'm the one who's not trying hard enough, because I know he do love me. He didn't do it on purpose but the invalidation and the mean jibes never ends. When we're talking he'd always talks about himself and things I'm not interested in. I try to be interested in his stories but when I'm talking he would cut me mid sentence and never bother to ask about what I was going to say if I just leave it hanging. He'd try to talk to me when I'm busy and he'd get pissy when I told him I couldn't talk at the moment. Whenever I clean his place he never bothers to look up from his video game or say thank you. During the past year I've seen 2 therapists just to talk about my boyfriend. They don't get it. Being on this website makes me realize that it's probably very hard for someone to understand what it's like unless they've been through it themselves. No one understands me whenever I say I feel more alone when I'm with him than when I'm by myself. And Shannon, it takes a while for me to decide that I deserve more. Wanting both security and joy in a relationship is not asking for too much. It's the bare minimum. After all this, I will never settle for anything less. |
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Chrissy 12:28 PM Fri 24th Jul, 2020 |
Hi Bev, I just read about you and your AS splitting up. I experienced something similar when it came to my AS ex and sex. We were together a couple of months and never had sex, he'd start trying to have sex, but make excuses such as he was too nervous or felt like a virgin (he's 49 and previously been married). He was always liking pictures of women online, and I found he was following young Camgirls on Instagram, they looked very young (teens). It's left me feeling unsexy and ugly, even though I'm an attractive 36 year old that looks young for my age. The silly thing is, I still love and miss him. |
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Mark 11:57 PM Thu 23rd Jul, 2020 |
I just recently discovered this site and in the beginning I couldn't believe that people in relationships with aspies seem to be experiencing very similar problems. It is amazing feeling not be alone. I wanted to share my story, as it seems there is not many testimonials about female aspies here from male perspective. I wanted to paint a full picture, because problem itself is complex, so it might be a long read, just a first part, so not to bore anyone to death. Here it goes. My past girlfriend, my first mature relationship from manyyears ago, might have an AS, now when I think about it. Our relationship lastedfor about 4 years, we were in our twenties when it started. Now I am 34, and after years of no contact – I had reconnected with her (it is an ongoing thing but I predict it is going to be brief). One day after our break up, she just banned me on facebook and disappeared completely without a SINGLE WORD OF explanation. Before it happened we were on fairly good terms. I knew how herlife was going, her family situation was difficult, so I wanted to support her, I also knew she was meeting someone, things were OK between us. I was totally surprised, why it happened, but accepted it. "Just move on with your life", you might say, I did, but this was an important relationship for me and left me with many questions unanswered, what actually happened between us and why things went downhill. It was like an unsolved case for me, I could see all our actions,mistakes, faults, lack of experience and so on, and so on, but I couldn’t connect dots. This relationship molded me in a way. Fast forward to present times, we reconnect, we have met and had a long walk during which she quite casually she mentioned, that she was on couple-therapy with her previous partner and therapist suggested that she might have Asperger Syndrome, but as that wasn’t purpose of therapy (in her opinion), she didn’t explore it, she just mentioned it as a potential explanation of why she is the way she is, but it seems for me that she doesn’t really know what it means or she doesn’t really care. So this hint from the therapist, didn’t seem to have any value for her. Her relationship ended and so did therapy. But for me it was like an enlightment. Everything clicked, I connected all the dots. When we were together I was studying psychology and also literature and I consider myself a very empathetic person, on AS quiz I have extra high results as neurotypical and very, very low asperger results. Most of my life, I work with people in a variety of situations,professional and private and only this relationship felt to me, like a constant battlefield. What I initially loved about my girlfriend later become sources of never ending fights. I met her during my studies. For me she was very attractive, self-confident, honest and had a huge brain, she could talk about certain studies related subjects to no end. Her knowledge was very impressive. But right from the start I also had a feeling, that she doesn’t see other people around her. She is always playing her game, approaches world and people with her own set of rules and they might just join her game, her world, but not the other way around, it wasn’t „let’s meet in the middle” it was „my way or the high way”. More I knew her, all this traits were getting more extreme. She could be painfully blunt when she didn’t like something. Her opinions were black and white, there wasn’t any space for doubt, she wouldn’t consider she might be wrong or that there are other valid points of views, other perspectives, other factors unknown to her. (more co come) |
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Shannon 10:02 AM Thu 23rd Jul, 2020 |
Dear Gaslit: Hallelujia sister! I'm with you all the way. Glad you're putting your happiness first. He sounds awful. And Bev: When you write "On paper he's the kind of man that people would get jealous over and I was ready to just put up with it all because he provides me with security and a comfortable life," you could be talking about my life. Glad you're putting your happiness first. Everyone deserves security AND joy in a relationship. |
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Bev 10:29 PM Wed 22nd Jul, 2020 |
I'm sorry for writing again but I've decided to end my relationship with my AS boyfriend after dragging it out for way too long. I've never felt such relief. This website and everyone's testimonials helps a lot so thank you so much. I don't feel so alone anymore and I'm feeling reassured that I'm making the right decision. I'm so relieved I found out about AS and this site before the relationship gets too complicated. On paper he's the kind of man that people would get jealous over and I was ready to just put up with it all because he provides me with security and a comfortable life. Whenever we have sex he would have to schedule it first, and then we would shower and brush our teeth and gargle with mouthwash beforehand. No foreplay, no nothing. It feels like work. He would never touch me or kiss me during other times. He has let is slip a few times that he doesn't find me that attractive. Sometimes he decides not to finish with me and just leave me there while he go to the bathroom to finish by himself while watching porn. No one has ever done something like that to me before and I just didn't know what to do at the time. I know I'm not ugly or disgusting so there's a lot of anger as well, because I know I don't deserve to be treated this way. I contemplated to cheat many times. I almost hooked up with this really handsome athlete. It gave me a sense of achievement, that I'm still wanted by someone, but also a lot of guilt and sadness. Anyways that's all over now and right now it's just relief and a lot of resentment. |
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Gaslit 4:16 AM Wed 22nd Jul, 2020 |
I'm at the end of a relationship with an autistic man in his early thirties, and I will never subject myself to one of them again. If you're early in dating an autistic person and trying to find a way to make it work - run while you still can. The "little quirks" will only get worse over time as they let their masks slip, and by then, your lives with be more entangled and it's harder to leave. My boyfriend is a radically different person in public compared to how he acts in private. In public, he springs to life like a robot with fresh batteries, pretending to be a handsome, funny, charming, outgoing person, and then just deactivates as soon as he doesn't have anyone to impress. He is incredibly skilled at "masking," and seeks the approval of others by pretending to be interested in the same things or sharing the same opinions. When it's just us, he speaks in a monotone, has a blank stare on his face, and doesn't care about anything other than his obsession with playing video games. He has no empathy and says rude, judgmental, and hurtful things, so I can't go to him with my problems because he'll probably say something to make me feel worse. If something bad or frustrating happens to me, he always tries to find some angle where the problem is my fault or how surely I'm misinterpreting the situation. He can never just listen to me express a problem I'm experiencing and say, "That sucks, I'm sorry that happened." Before we moved in together, he lied to me about his hobbies and goals, making sure they matched mine. Now, when I try to drag him to do anything that interests me, he complains the whole time that he'd rather be at home playing video games. He originally claimed to have STEM career plans similar to mine, but has since decided he wants to go back to an easier job he did before grad school because it was less work and left him more time for gaming and sleeping. He's a filthy and disorganized person and sees no reason to be clean. It's been like adopting a special needs child. I have to argue with him constantly to do his half of our home chores, and he fights me about how he doesn't see this-or-that as needing cleaning, and then if he does clean, he does something partially and then gives up and accuses me of having obsessive compulsive disorder. I am not mentally ill because I want the bathroom cleaned once a week, or for the trash to be taken out when it's overflowing onto the floor. My autistic boyfriend has seen three therapists, originally at my urging for his video game addiction, and all of them have decided that the only problem in his life is that I am unsupportive and a bad person for refusing to embrace his autism as a neutral or even positive thing. "Autism acceptance" is nothing more than gaslighting dressed up in "woke" language, a subculture devoted to telling the wives and girlfriends of autistic men that we are cruel and crazy for thinking they need to learn how treat other with respect and kindness or to not trick us into relationships with them by lying about themselves. There's no movement for schizophrenia acceptance or biploar acceptance or narcissistic personality disorder acceptance. I believe that the only reason we ("we" usually being women) are told that we have to "accept" autism and the resulting immature and antisocial behavior is because most people diagnosed with autism are middle and upper class white men - a privileged demographic that already has an overstated sense of entitlement. I have spent every day of my life as a woman consciously and subconsciously altering my behavior to make myself more palatable, deferential, and friendly towards others, and I'm done with being told that I'm a monster for expecting autistic men to put in even a fraction of that effort to interact more smoothly with others. |
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Jean 10:50 PM Tue 21st Jul, 2020 |
I was in a relationship with a Tall, Physically Fit, Intelligent guy, who I did not realize until a long ago ex-girlfriend told me had been diagnosed with Aspergers over 25years ago, but never got treatment. He was 51 and I was 31, and it did not phase me in the beginning on why such a smart, good-looking guy had been in so many relationships in the past, but they always lasted only about 1-year at most. Things were so wonderful at first that I completely missed the obvious signs of AS, like how he wore the same type of plain T-shirts everyday, and wore them inside out because he dislike seems, and that he would cut tags out from everything; even my clothes, which I asked him to leave alone, because I needed the tags for size referencing. He also always used the words "I think differently", "I feel differently than most", and "I have military-like radar awareness". He only watched one theme of movies and shows, which was Science Fiction. He also lacked any realy close friends, whom he would hang out with. I feel in love with how much he genuinely cared about the safety and well-being of others in the community, particularly those who like bicycling, but never thought twice about the fact that he had been to court several times for getting in fights with people, because he'd go over to the a guy who didn't make a complete stop at the stop-sign or something and he'd talk down to the stranger like a little kid, not realizing that he was coming off as a big strong man yelling at someone he never met in a derogatory way, that would intimidate most and cause them to become defensive; no I just brushed it off at first and told myself that he's an intense rule-follower, who only had good intentions. The first 2months of our relationship were the best, and we made love nearly every time we met. Then, it seemed like almost over night, the mask came off. All sex stopped, and whenever I tried to initiate I got hit with humiliating rejection, so I eventually stopped trying. Yet, he talked about sex constantly and told me that I was like a weird old lady, because I must be the only person in America who has never intentionally watched porn online. His thinking turned more black and white; all rich people basically are bad, and anything to do with religion was bad, so he refused to hang out on holidays, since they are often religiously based, even though I'm not much of a religious person myself. I would bring him out on his B-Day and he didn't even think of doing one thing in recognition of my B-Day, because he would just say it was stupid and that you're not different today, than you were yesterday. We also lived 35 miles apart, and he never came to my place even once. He had no ability to plan for the future, and seemed to prefer living dirt poor off a rental property he shared with family, than ever even dream of having a real job. So here I was driving 70miles round trip, to be with him usually 3 nights a week, and if something came up, where I was super busy with work or needed to run errands that kept me at home, I'd always tell him he was welcome to come to my place, and he never did; instead he'd have severe separation anxiety about how I was coming over as much that week to be with him. My friends feelings about this guy turned early on when I needed to fly to a family wedding, and asked him to take me to the airport, so I wouldn't have to pay for parking or Uber. Again, he had no job, and told me on both flying occasions, "I'm sorry, but there is just so many others things that I should be doing that day". That was the weird thing about him to is, a stranger would ask for help fixing their bike, because they knew he was once a bike mechanic, and hoarded bicycle parts, and he would fix it for them at a low price, right away. Any yet, when my road bike broke, he let it sit in his kitchen for nearly 4months. We were together for 1-day short of 13 months, and the final 7months were awful. Not once, during the last 12months did I ever receive a nice compliment, just constant criticism, which he claimed to be either funny or constructive. He fought about us not having sex on several occasions, and always had a different excuse, and promised when we made up that things would get better; they never did. I began feeling more depressed than I would ever recall during our last few months together. He would constantly tell me that I needed to seek therapy for my lack of ability to emotionally connect to people, for my terrible communication skills that are obviously affecting my life, and for my extremely low self-esteem; all of which was pure gas-lighting and really his issues. I never believed the inability to communicate or emotionally connect, because I'm the supervisor of customer experience at a hospital, and have worked as a Physician Liaison, both of which take someone with strong communication skills, and particularly someone with a keen ability to emotionally connect to a wide range of people. So many times I would come over and he would give me the silent treatment until, I was literally getting into my car hours later, and he'd stop me there to let me know it's because I didn't answer his text message earlier or something; most of the time he then came to realize that I did answer him, but then would never apologize for his behavior. He also became very snappy, he would ask me a wide range question, when he was really looking for a very specific answer and instead of rephrasing he question he would repeat it the same way over and over again, yelling, until I was in tears and leaving; he never apologized for that either. Towards the end I was beginning to feel more like my now-ex's Mom, instead of a girlfriend. Then COVID-19 hit, and the stay at home orders were put into place, and that was the last straw. He was so overly paranoid that they world was going to end, and that he would die from this virus if he went outside. He told me that we needed to be apart for at least 30days, and so I went road biking the first weekend of the shut-downs, by myself, and received a bashing of criticism from him about how I selfishly spread the virus across county lines by bicycling, even though I didn't encounter anyone or stop at a convenience store. Then a week later, when he was running out of food, he asked when I was coming over to see him, and denied ever saying that we should stay apart during the stay-at-home orders; even though I clearly had his orders in writing. I told him I could come, and he gave me a huge list of groceries to pick up for him. Feeling used, I still got those groceries, came to his place, where he proceeded to pay no attention to me or even thank me, and spent 15hours straight, over-night, scanning online between multiple grocery stores until he finally got a grocery delivery slot that opened up, and was within the next 2 weeks. I could no longer tolerate the paranoia, and this treatment and broke up with him then. It has been such a relief, but there has been issues surrounding the fact that he doesn't get what a break-up actually means, and that's why none of his many exs have any contact with him. Asperger's can seem like a very selfish disorder, that overlaps greatly with traits of Narcissism at times; the only difference is that I feel they care, but have no idea on how to show it. It is exhausting though, and if you are in a relationship with someone you suspect is an Aspie, take my advice and end it. Don't beat yourself up, if you miss obvious clues initially that your love, or ex has Aspergers; I've now met/known several highly intelligent professionals, often doctors, who've missed all the signs in the beginning as well, lust and empathy just clouded their initial judgement. |
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Bev 7:32 PM Tue 21st Jul, 2020 |
My boyfriend is an aspie and doesn't know it. He was everything I thought I wanted in a man. He's good looking, well educated, smart, and successful, but I knew something was different with him. He would say and do inappropriate things at inappropriate times. I thought he was just awkward and nervous. He can't understand how his words and actions could hurt others. When confronted, he takes it as an attack on his character and would shift the blame on me for hurting his feelings. He would say I don't understand what he's trying to tell me and that my feelings are wrong and he would never want to listen to my arguments because I'm just being hormonal/hysterical. When I tell stories about him to friends they always end up in disbelief, because it doesn't make sense for them for someone to behave in this way, and for me to put up with it. I contemplated many times to just break up, but I genuinely love and care about him and we've been together for a long time so I just try to understand him better and forgive him, which I realize now is at the expense of my own happiness. I would doubt myself and look up his behavior online to try to understand if it's normal and if I'm just being difficult when I finally found out about Asperger's. Everything fits and I finally have an answer. He never got diagnosed professionally but I asked him to fill in some checklists online and everything comes out positive. I read every articles and testimonials on this website and everything is exactly what I'm going through right now. I've tried to break up a few times but he always becomes very upset and I couldn't bear seeing him in pain. It's hard but I think it's finally time for me to be selfish and prioritize my own happiness. I'm not going to spend my life caring for someone who makes me miserable everyday and doesn't even realize it. |
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anon 6:53 AM Tue 21st Jul, 2020 |
I've been with my AS partners for several years now, and have tried to break up a couple times. Unfortunately our lives are just tied together and he has used my personal situation to entrap me and make sure leaving him would be as hard as possible. He still shows "love" and "affection". But only when he is not focused on a specific interest, otherwise I could die right in front of him and he wouldnt notice. The most frustrating thing is the inability to communicate. No matter how I phrase things, he always manages to change the narrative in his mind and seem to think he should never be called out on his behavior. I cannot point out ANYTHING wrong about him without him completely shutting down or getting extremely frustrated and defensive. I cannot have a debate without been shut down (sometimes publicly) My opinion is always invalid, because I am just too "short tempered" and confrontational, ie I dont have enough patience for his "odd" behavior. Having a conversation is simply useless and end up in me just been more frustrated and with a pit in my stomach, unable to express the things that frustrates me so much, and have been eating at me for years.It just keeps adding up an making me more frustrated everyday. I am at a point where I can predict every reaction he is going to have and the arguments he is going to use, word for word, to get away with everything he does, no matter how rude or innaproriate. Every time I see it coming and try to change the outcome of the conversation but we end up in the same place. Not only is he unable to change, but he is strongly against the very idea, and his ego seems to be the most important thing for him. I have never seen anyone so proud of themselves even when they do terrible things. This is hell. If you are hesitant about your relationship with an aspie...Run. Do not listen to people critisizing you for "just not understanding a different way of thinking". This is not "hatred" or descrimination, as some would like to believe.This is something we, as partners, experience everyday, and only people who have been through this can fully understand the extend of it. |
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Christine 12:16 AM Tue 21st Jul, 2020 |
After more than a year after our break-up, I found my former Aspie partner working outside at his home (he doesn't live there). I wanted some of my tools back that I had allowed him to use to remodel his kitchen. He was dressed slovenly. He no longer colors his white hair brown. He has accumulated more junk that is stored outside the garage. He tried to hide his pack of cigarettes because "he doesn't smoke." He's done nothing to prepare the house so he can live in it. During the courting, he misrepresented himself. I am still sad that he is not the person he pretended to be. For brief moments, I've thought about trying to connect. However, my mind wins out. As so many have written, no amount of love, patience, kindness, forgiveness, self-sacrifice, generosity, understanding, etc., makes a difference. He simply can't relate. That's it! |
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Ana 9:25 AM Mon 20th Jul, 2020 |
I sit here with tears streaming down my face as I type this. I met my now ex, in February of 2018. Too good to be true! If I could have designed the perfect man, it would be him. Handsome, intelligent, tall, athletic, same sense of humor; great taste in music; we worked in the same professional field. Our relationship almost felt like a dream in the beginning. The best dates and talks and sex. Beautiful vacations around the world together; beautiful memories. I will never forget a birthday celebration that he planned for me; it was out of a movie. I was so happy and often asked myself, “Is this really real?” About 7 months later, I started to notice a shift. Seemed as though I was the one to mostly suggest spending time together. I wasn’t able to spontaneously come over; plans had to be made in advance. Sometimes after dates he would drop me home and I would be confused. I always preferred to spend the night with him. Long story short, after several months of feeling him pull away and completely, emotionally cut me out, we broke up in February of 2019; a day before what would’ve been our one year anniversary. It was THE most difficult break up for me ever. I have been through divorce and other breakups but this one was so hard. I was 35 at the time and also thought this was it for me. This was the person that I would spend the rest of my journey with; have children with etc. He was 43 at the time. Hate to generalize, but I should’ve known that this Beautiful man that was OVER 40 and actively seeking to find someone and start a family, but had never been married, engaged, had children etc, was struggling with some things personally. I had a very rough time after our split. Wet sick parent, murder of a sibling. Horrific. We ended up reconnecting almost a year after our split. Kept in contact here and there throughout our time apart. I was dealing with ALOT at the time and still am. Grieving. He and back and said that he took his time reconnecting with me because he knew that if we ever got back together that this would be it. That made me so happy! Thought he had chosen me. (Sounds so naive and desperate when I say that out loud now). My spirit was so happy that we reconnected. We dived right back in. Talks on the phone 4/5 times a week. Beautiful date nights, laughter and music and movie nights in. He helped me heal and deal with what I was going through. Then Covid hit and we sheltered in together. Though it was a scary time, I felt safe going through this with him. He was attentive and protective. Making sure we had groceries and things that we needed to be safe and entertained at home. I noticed anxiety at times with him and would catch him blanking out but honestly, we all have shit that we deal with and even mental health struggles to some degree. But the time quarantined in, allowed the mask to dissolve. I noticed that everything was neatly arranged and that if placed something in a place that it did t belong in, it would be moved to its proper place. There was a very particular nightly routine. Dinner was had in front of t.v; no ifs and or buts about it. Place was thoroughly cleaned on the same day of each week and I wasn’t really able to help. Just had to get out of the way. Quiet days of no talking. Intimacy began to dwindle. When things calmed down, I came home for a few days to give us break and to allow us to miss one another. When I would go home there would be no mention of “hey when are you coming back over?” I always had to initiate reconnecting. A week would go by and I’d be like,”Hey, do you wanna hang soon?” At times it seemed as though he was saying yes because it was the proper thing to do. And then I really messed things up. I shared something with him that to him, should’ve been shared a long time go. He began the ice out. Calls dwindled, text dwindled, care dwindled. I felt the same exact pull away that he did the first time around. One night he cane over to my place, we had dinner. He walked in without a greeting or anything. I can sense his tension and anger but of course none of that was communicated. After the meal he began to have these “stomach pains.” He ended up leaving at 2 in the am saying that he wanted to be comfortable in his own place. But I knew that he just wanted to get outta there. I was so hurt and cried myself to sleep that night. But then something hit me. I had always felt like “something was off” but I wondered if it could be “Aspergers.” I found this site and began to read testimonials and I swear the lightbulb went off. This was EXACTLY what it was. I had an answer but now what would I do. I still very much wanted to make this work. Of course the pull away intensified since then (that was May when I stumbled across this site). Tuned into days passing without hearing from him which was not like us. Also, he would do this thing where he would use an app to bypass calling me and go straight to voicemail. Then he would say, “I called you.” One time he left a voicemail at 8/9 pm but spoke in the voicemail as if it was 11 am that day in order to make it seem as though he had called early that day but my home missed it and the voicemail came in late. I brought up the fact that this only happened with him and that I called my phone company and they described that it wasn’t an error on my end. He said, “I don’t know what it is.” Complete gaslighting. He began to hint that he was having a “very hard time” dealing with the way in which I had delivered the news to him. I hinted him making his way toward a break up. Kept saying how much he loved me and emphasized that “he didn’t want anyone to get hurt.” I think this tiny bit of gentleness came from the fact that he knows that I am still healing from my family member being tragically murdered. Still dealing with all that comes with the aftermath of that. So he tried to be gentle but in the end I had to make him comfortable enough to say what it was he really needed to say which was that, “right now he doesn’t feel the same way he did a few months ago.” This is due to ME and how I shared information with him. This rocked our foundation and so he just doesn’t view us the same now. We had plans to move I on the first of this month. I had verbally given away all of my furniture, made plans to begin moving; was supposed to move in with him and based on the pull away and last meltdown, I asked one night on the phone “we prob shouldn’t be moving in together then hunh?” He agreed so quickly and I could tell that there was relief. He reiterated that this decision was best in order to “preserve” us Nd that it wasn’t about a split. Last night we broke up and I shared some of how he’s made me feel and how wrong he was for reconnecting with me and stating that this was it and suggesting we move in and then pulling away. I have never used the term Aspergers and still make sure that I speak to him with respect and as a person that just processes differently from me. But this is all very painful and I am praying for strength. His father two summers ago, said to me “he has a beautiful heart” but then proceeded to share that he was “a lot.” His dad seemed sooo concerned and kept telling me to hang in there! I didn’t get it then but it all makes sense now. Sigh. Why. Beautiful tragedy. GOD help me. |
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John 9:17 PM Sun 19th Jul, 2020 |
Met a professionally diagnosed (female) aspie around 6 months ago. She told me upfront that aspergers makes her life difficult from time to time. I never met someone with the condition before and she seemed to act 'normal' for the first month or so. Only later found out this 'normal' behaviour is called masking. After a month the mask started to slip and she started to become distant. Some weeks for no reason I couldn't contact her in any way, then suddenly she would re-appear like nothing was wrong. This continued for months. I realized it was due to the 'special interests' she had. If she was working on one of the 'special interests' it was like I didn't exist. Talking about the situation with her proved to be impossible. In general talking about our relationship or feelings was near impossible. There was no way to gain insight into what was going on in her head. For a while I accepted the situation until being constantsly discarded became too unbearable. Ended the relationship two weeks ago. Everyone is different but I'm already convinced that you can't have a healthy relationship between an NT and an aspie. |
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Fairlie 10:47 PM Sat 18th Jul, 2020 |
This a response to Erica who is troubled by her father's 'Aspie' behavior. From what you describe, he's a very loving, supportive parent who would suffer greatly if you weren't in his life! I urge you to really study Aspergers. Exploring positve ways to communicate and with him and have mutually enjoyable activites will strengthen your relationship. With gentle reminders or a diversion to another subject, my husband has reduced things like repetative stories that are common with 'Aspies'. Does your father know about Aspergers and that he has it? I don't believe a formal diagnosis is necessary - this is an easy condition to identify. I encourage my Aspie husband to learn about and experience new things on his own and with me. He shares his experiences, thoughts and feelings with me. Some of his ideas are very 'unique' but I respect that he views some things differently. He does have 'mind blindness' at times (not able to grasp what another person is thinking, feeling or doing). He's become a better listener over the 33 years we've been together. You and your father could find some new activites/experiences that would lead to better ways to communicate. I didn't have a relationship with my 'Aspie' father. I can only remember once when he spoke to me before I was 19 and leaving home to work in another city. He asked where I was going. We have very difficult 'estrangements' in our family now. As the saying goes 'knowledge is power'! I REALLY hope that you'll study more about this condition and learn ways have a closer and permanent relationship with your father! |
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Erica R. 7:19 PM Fri 17th Jul, 2020 |
I recently discovered asperger's could be the reason for all of my unheard frustrations and built up resentment towards what used to be my best friend - my beloved father. The thing that finally did it for me was reading about how aspies can have a tendency to tell a story like it is the first time you're hearing it (even if they've told you multiple times before). I literally thought he was just losing his mind before this. I thought it was all my fault. Everytime I try to confront him about the issues (before I knew what it could be) he would just deflect my observations or deny any understanding towards what I was trying to bring attention to. I made him get brain scans because I thought his memory was deteriorating. I stopped going to bars with him because he talks way too loud and it irritates me more than it's worth going out. I'll spend hours in my bedroom before tackling my day just to put off the effort of communicating with him for a little longer. Everything about him can be frustrating on a day to day basis. The most frustrating thing of all has to be that deep down I know there is still a person in there. Somebody who probably really does love me and has no idea how hard it is to be around them. This is the same man who accompanied me to the bus every single day until I was a senior in high school. We still play video games together every day. He went with and helped me do my first job. He is so much more than a dad ever could have been to me and now that I'm older I just want to get away. Still it worries me that the day I move out will be the last day I have to tolerate him and I won't want to stay in touch. It breaks my heart and I'm tired of it. |
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Sarah 3:28 PM Fri 17th Jul, 2020 |
I have been married to an undiagnosed man for 37 years. I knew he was off but in those days there wasn't a diagnosis. It wasn't until a friend talked about autism to me that I figured this out. He has obsessional hobbies that take up all his thoughts and time when he isn't working. He is constantly asking me to do the hobbies with him or suggesting that we take up his sailing hobby full time when he retires. I have stopped telling him that living on a sailboat is not my dream. He speaks to me like I'm his mother or his grandmother. I feel more like his caretaker or mother than his wife. Occasionally he will talk to me like he is James Bond or some equally corny playboy persona when he wants to be sexy. His many voices, accents, catch phrases and stories about himself are on constant repeat. He dresses like a child with jokey t shirts and ripped jeans. He is constantly buying the same shoes over and over and loves to show me his various hobby related outfits in a childish way. When we disagree he immediately becomes cold and defensive. He accuses me of looking for things to criticize and that I am trying to insist that he is a bad person. No matter what the issue is, it ends up being me supposedly attacking him and trying to say he is a bad person. According to him that is my agenda. He also thinks that if I think he is going to do something insensitive or selfish then that is what causes him to act that way. He honestly argues that my history of being hurt by him is what causes him to be hurtful. He never admits to any blame, nor does he apologize. If he does apologize its the kind of apology that says 'Im sorry that you think I'm a bad person' or 'I'm sorry that you are so wrong about what happened.' And so I realize that trying to reach him, communicate or explain anything is pointless. They never see it from anyone's point of view but their own and they think they are always right and that others need to fit into their ways or else they are being mean and difficult. I would never ever have married him if I'd known what was ahead for me. I am trying to figure out how and when to leave him even though I am in my sixties. I don't want my whole life to be overshadowed by his endless tiresome issues. Don't stay with or marry an autistic man. It's torture. They suck all the life out of everyone. |
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Robert 8:03 AM Fri 17th Jul, 2020 |
It's my first post here but I come to this site from time to time because it gives me a reality check when I'm feeling confused and regretful from my decision to break up with my ASD ex-girlfriend (professionally diagnosed according to her). Things were great between us for many months we had fun together, shared hobbies, experiences and the intimacy was also great. She had problems in life besides her conditions and for a while these others things led me to believe that when she started to ignore me, reducing the amount of contact and intimacy was just temporary. She got very short tempered, simple problems in life for us NT were really big problems for her. Any of my attempts to have a relationship discussion ended up on her shouting and calling me names. One particular occasion where I saw she was acting overly sexual towards a male friend of hers was the last straw for me. When I asked her about it, a huge discussion started and she called me things that made me feel very devalued and destroyed. I couldn't believe the love of my life was saying those things to me. I was strong enough to break up at that very discussion. I never looked back but it still hunts me from time to time. Thank you everyone who posts here. You all help me a lot. |
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Roisin 4:41 AM Fri 17th Jul, 2020 |
It is with tremendous pain that I recall hours and hours hiding in my bedroom (we had separate bedrooms, his choice and need) to avoid my Aspie's raging meltdowns, as well as his sometime physical abuse. He was always very kind to acquaintances and neighbors, and the story of a partner clearing snow off of his co-workers' windshields truly resonated with me, as he would never have done that for me, his live-in partner. I believe that, on some level, these folks who are on the spectrum do perceive a need to be beloved by "others." Perhaps the most difficult thing for me, aside from physical and verbal abuse, was putting me down all the time and gaslighting me. I am doing much, much, better since leaving the relationship nearly four years ago, but still sometimes question my physical appearance - I have often been told that I am a very attractive woman, but he never, ever told me that I was pretty, and never complimented me during six years of togetherness. I was always building him up, supporting his ego, taking great care of his needs, and trying to maintain the "status quo," which was ultimately impossible. Thank goodness for this website, which is so very helpful to so many. |
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Michael 3:02 PM Thu 16th Jul, 2020 |
All these comments seem to be about women married to aspie men. I am married to an aspie women. Yes there are difficulties but mostly love, tenderness & compassion win the day. Is there anyone here who has been in a similar situation? |
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Jean 9:52 AM Thu 16th Jul, 2020 |
I'm so glad this site exists and is anonymous. Has anyone had an affair with AS man? It's a whole extra layer of devaluation. I felt unworthy to feel hurt by his words and actions because of what I was doing (I knew he was married). I am not proud and did a fair amount of time in therapy to work through my shame and issues and do my best to live life ethically with integrity putting good into the world. The initial focus and then limited communication. Then breakup. I thought it was because he wasn't available. Then I thought it was narcissism because who has an affair with no remorse? He said he didn't feel guilty because his wife had an affair first. (Probably after trying to get her needs met by him unsuccessfully. Not that that makes it ok). Then he looked me up after getting divorced and it was the same cycle all over but much shorter. I love/d him so much though. He spent one of our dates talking more to the people next to us about music (an interest) than me. Any time I brought up requests for my needs to be met ie more communication, in a pretty direct but nice and rational way, he said he didn't like "drama" or being gunny sacked with complaints. But in the next breath acknowledgement that my needs weren't unreasonable. He just wasn't willing to meet them. But those were his terms and it was up to me if I was ok with continuing with that!? Oh and if not we could still sleep together. He was away for an extended work trip. I got one random text that he was ok. I had an emergency issue with my child and not a single inquiry or follow up. Just "hope it turns out ok". When he got back it was explained he just needed to focus on doing a good job and couldn't be distracted. Complete emotional abandonment in a time of need. He did the same thing to his ex when she'd gone through cancer. I just didn't put 2 & 2 together. At the time I guess my arrogance had me thinking each relationship brings out different traits and our dynamic would be different, special. He has no close friends, a few buddies he sees for concerts, doesn't talk to his mother because she talks to his brother he's cut out of his life (justifiably on that one at least). But this is the same guy who never asks a thing from anyone, cleans the snow off all the cars in the work parking lot, overtips everytime, sent me love songs, inconvenienced himself for any task based things I ever needed, can be poetic and incredibly thoughtful. It just didn't add up until I read about AS. I don't know if the "why" matters. If needs aren't met they aren't met. Maybe I would've changed my approach when we were free to date and it would've been different but I don't think it would've changed much. I just wanted to believe in our love growing. Whether he was still healing from divorce, damaged from childhood or other relationships, is a narcissist or AS, it doesn't matter. He flipped the switch like Jekyll and Hyde. I went from being "the one" and soulmate to "not what he wants" in such a short time because suddenly he has nothing to give (meaning I expected to be treated decently and connect emotionally past infatuation). 1 day after the last time we'd had sex he declared being 100% over me and not wanting any communication anymore even as someday friends. It's over and I'm heartbroken again over someone I probably shouldn't be when I read all I wrote. I don't hate him. I realize he was actually probably being honest. He just isn't capable. It's quite sad for everyone. Thanks for reading & sharing your own stories. |
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Liz 6:33 AM Thu 16th Jul, 2020 |
Oh no!! Dave please don't go back. |
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David 6:13 PM Wed 15th Jul, 2020 |
I generally don't use this site to provide advice to specific people. But in this case, I'm responding to Dave (I'm David, not Dave). Dave, I agree with the others- be very careful. The similarities between an Aspergers partner and a partner with full fledged narcissism are uncanny. It doesn't matter whether the underlying neurological causes for the behavior might (might) be different- the end result on us is the same. The love bombing, devaluation, discard- all textbook. I'm not telling you what to do- only you can decide that. But I've been the victim of the same behavior with an aspie woman (professionally diagnosed, according to her), and it took me years to get over it. |
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Nichole 2:14 PM Wed 15th Jul, 2020 |
Guys, it’s been a while since I posted and I thought our relationship was over the last time I typed. I ended up giving in and telling him how much I missed him and we started dating again, I know I know what was I thinking! I am utterly in love with this man but this time I am done!! The text communication went from 1 day of silence to a couple more to almost a week! I finally hit my breaking point when I asked him if he wanted to FaceTime me and he told me yes. I waited all day super excited to see him since I haven’t seen him face to face in a while! I text him to ask if he was okay with doing it. ( I always ask before so he doesn’t get upset about surprises!) he said yes, then I told him I’m gonna call and he said “ but I am not in the talking mood right now” guys I ended up exploding! I told him everything he has been doing to me for the last 11months have been mentally and physically exhausting and what he was doing to me was so mean! I told him it was officially over! He said “ if that’s what you want so be it, I’m tired of getting bitched out for no reason” :,( this broke my heart!!!! No reason? So what he has been doing, the silence the not telling me anything about how he is doing or even asking if I’m even alive and it is “ no reason”!?!? He went radio silent on me after this. Weird thing is he hasn’t blocked or removed me from any social media platform or blocked my messages. Nothing recent posted anything. Just disappeared...I’m completely shattered I feel like I should of done something different. He was my best friend, we have known each other for 3 years prior to the relationship! I feel like I was not good enough and of course he just up and left making me feel like the relationship was for nothing and I didn’t matter. Anyone who gets involved with someone with aspergers please inform yourself, educate, truly understand what you are getting into it is not for the faint of heart. I hope I get through this hurt. |
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PhD 10:05 AM Wed 15th Jul, 2020 |
Dave, Please DO NOT go into this relationship! He love bombs you "more then ever"? Discard will be proportional to the love bombing, faster and way more brutal. You won't see it coming. And please do not make mistake thinking that this time around you are going in " with your eyes open". You are dealing with a pro, you will not be able to keep your eyes open for long. This time the discard will be nuclear and way more painful. Like, WAY MORE.. Good luck and remember what he did to you. Remember how you felt. |
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Roisin 7:41 AM Wed 15th Jul, 2020 |
Dave, Please go back into this relationship with eyes wide open. As we are all aware, the NT/AS partnership is never for the faint of heart, and could leave your soul with irreparable bruises. Roisin |
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Dave 10:08 PM Tue 14th Jul, 2020 |
Well guess what the cat dragged in... My Aspie! After basically ghosting me 4 months ago he's back. Now love bombing me more than ever. He's saying I'm the only one for him and that we had such a bond. Kind of making me sick especially after he said 4 months ago that he liked being single and that he needed his space. Oh well I can hear the clinks of the roller coaster going up hill again. I know it will be another wild ride! |
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Rose 10:22 PM Mon 13th Jul, 2020 |
I have been married to what I believe now to be an undiagnosed Asperger man for 17 year's. My husband is physically very beautiful, well thought of by everyone we know, hard worker, responsible, takes care of thing's, and diligent. I have heard many time's over the course of our marriage how lucky I am to have such a wonderful husband and that I should appreciate him. I have appreciated all those good traits, above all one must recognise the good and effort of someone. But underneath in the dark of everyday life when no one but my two daughter's and I see him, he becomes a hard and tyrannical slave driver of sorts, alternately love bombing us and when we are vulnerable emotionally, insulting our inteligence and mine specifically, while demanding a level of perfection in routine and way of taking care of the house, cooking, mealtimes, and everyday life at large, that is not really possible in this crazy and random world we live in. A week after I married him I knew something was off when I in all my newlywed enthusiasm excitedly proposed a picnic as our first outing to relax and reconnect after a busy week of work. He did it but with the worst attitude as if I was obligatimg him to do something that was completely unnatural *he wanted to go to church, something we religiously did. Had I known then what I know now, I would have run, I would have been brave and ended it before it had all ever really begun. Though I must say I don't regret my two girl's, they light up my life. Thus began one hell of a life. I was raised to be an extremely capable woman, a can do person, I have the ability to see thing's through to the inth degree and then some. My family is extremely empathetic and we have worked in philanthropy for as long as I can remember. Little did I know this was the perfect "host" for an ASD. Yes, I do believe that empathetic people are groomed and conditioned as hosts for these people's parasitic like needs. Sounds harsh perhaps but the NT will feel the life sucked out of them slowly, reduced to a mere shell of themselves. You will barely be able to recognize yourself in the end, it is as if all the love and care has been extracted and sacrificed to an insatiable, pitiless god who believes without a shadow of a doubt that you owe him that and more. This man was my first kiss, my first everything in intimacy and I know now that I have never known a true reciprocal love. 2 year's ago at the end of my rope and a mess physically, after almost throwing myself into the oncoming traffic of a three lane boulevard, all the while being berated by this man for some other failing, I knew I had to get ahold of myself or I was going to end up dead. My motivation, mever leave my sweet daughter's alone to the mercy of this man, and I will outlive him if it's the last thimg I do. It has been an odyssey of self discovery, I am an artist, a writer, and a musician, all thing's I had set aside over the year's trying desperately to please a man who would never be pleased. I mean for goodness sake I have even been instructed that I need to bathe everyday, something I have always done. Asperger's only notice when somethimg isn't done to their specifications, you can do somethimg right a million time's over but they will only acknowledge the one time you're wrong. They have an uncanny ability to tell when you're down emotionally and then come in to pull you down further by helpfully noticing your shortcomings. They provoke you in the most insulting way so that they can reinforce your lesser capability to them. The irony is that they can barely handle the world they live in but they'll snow you into thinking it is you that have the problem. They are patronizing in a way that grates upon the senses and leaves you senseless. My husband always wants intimacy, from the very beginning he wanted it scheduled and often, I was informed of this and told that I had an obligation as a wife to fulfill this. I'm a healthy female, and even though I thought it odd he needed to specify this over and over, after year's of killing myself to meet his need, and on the scheduled day's he'd begun to treat me horribly all day then expect me to perform at night, I finally said enough. I repeat there is an insatiable black hole that all your care and love is being poured into and they never fill, you're never good enough, I could go on and on. STOP NOW!!! Do not continue to allow these people to drain your precious soul's, you are worthy of reciprocation, of regard, of selfless care. Set your boundaries, if you are still with them, and if you are considering getting into a relationship with one turn and RUN AWAY as fast as you possibly can!! These are not people that should be encouraged, it is a harm to them to expect them to act "normal", they cannot do it genuinely. Allow them to live as they wish, on the flipside it is a great injustice to sacrifice empathetic people to their needs. We have so few real empaths in the world and sacrificing them to these people to be used up is a true crime against humanity. I feel bad for ASD people truly, but you know, they don't feel bad for themselves, they think they're perfectly fine as they are and you are the defective one...but they "need" what you have. Remember that. |
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Morena 1:54 AM Mon 13th Jul, 2020 |
Thank you all for your comments....you've made me feel like I'm not alone nor crazy! It's been an emotional rollercoaster of a journey for me and I've never fully understood what was happening....I think I'm quite lucky as I managed to get out of the relationship after 6 months....something was definitely not right and you should never ignore your gut instincts. I met him through a work event and he came across chatty, funny and charming...He was very attentive at the beginning, making sure everything was perfect and that I was OK, buying me gifts, dinners etc......I should have known it was too good to be true and it definately was! After a short time together things started to change, he was short tempered, was easily upset for no reason, couldn't put up with a lot of 'normal' things - over sensitive hearing/not being able to sit still to watch a movie, suffered from OCD and needed his routines. The change was crazy and couldn't believe this was the person I first met.....He apparently has never been formally diagnosed with Aspergers... but reading these testimonials it has finally made sense that he has it. There was never any deep connection, never asked me questions and text me the same thing every morning which I thought odd.....sometimes he went AWOL for days even though we were meant to meeting up. He always managed to upset me and could never understand anything I was saying.....all he ever said was I don't know what you mean - He never knew what I meant.....crazy!!! He was so different when he was with friends (like when I first met him) then when we were together he went back to his horrendous ways. I don't think he even wants a relationship but believes he does it as thinks he should as that's what people do..... He also has narsasstic traits....everything is about him!! These people will never change, they just take, take and take and give nothing back - it feels like a one sided relationship which is emotionally draining. I felt he was destroying me piece by piece.....until you no longer feel human. Please do not delude yourselves...relationships with these people will only end in heartache and destroy the person you are! Take care of yourselves and try and get out if you can. |
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Fairlie 1:48 AM Sun 12th Jul, 2020 |
Reading posts here is heartbreaking! Overall, my husband and I are doing better but things can become difficult very quickly. A friend of his (also with Aspergers) is working from home and struggling in various ways. He was here yesterday and I asked him a couple short questions. My husband became VERY angry and demanded that I stop talking to him - becoming even MORE angry when his friend and I continued for about 2 more minutes. I spoke with him about this today (it's my Birthday - was hoping for a better one). He won't consider or change his stance on things. He said he didn't want his friend in our apartment (he had come un-invited) in case he caught the virus (no sign his friend has the virus) and didn't want me to hold things up so his friend would leave ASAP. My husband is physically healthy but is still paranoid about Covid - I'm not! He ordered me not to speak with his friend when he's here again!! I told him that I had a right to (and would) speak with him! Anyway I'm doing OK considering. The biggest issue for me now is that I don't have my usual 'escape' routes because of the Covid restrictions! Going out - even to shop is a pain with masks and distancing. Planning and having a 2-3 month trip in the winter was a great 'escape' and gave me something to look forward to! All that has changed - I don't want to be 'restricted' from regular activities on a vacation!! We have almost 6 months of cold, miserbable weather here in Canada and the thought of being in our apartment with him all winter is really depressing!! Socially and with shopping, there are even more restrictions lately so I'm not optimistic for things to improve in the near future! My husband has not been physically abusive but certainly has been,and sometimes still is, very emotionally abusive. I agree with suggestions that people should avoid or leave abusive/toxic partners whenever possible. It's unfortunate that there aren't more resources to help 'sufferers'! My 'fantasy' resources/respits would be very affordable - (even free for some people) facilities in beautiful, interesting places that offer recreation, relaxation, holistic health, social, supportive and educational activities for people (including children) in relationships with Aspies. If anyone needs this, we do!! I'm not religious so don't pray but I hope that 'sufferers' can find positive, healthy resources, more creative ways to cope and have better lives! |
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Meg 4:15 PM Sat 11th Jul, 2020 |
This is a reply for Jenn, whose message today 11 July made me very sad. Jenn I will be praying for you. Go on Carol Grigg Counselling website and read her blog and you will find someone who understands. She is a Christian whose marriage of 20 years sadly ended because of her husband's Aspergers. Carol lives in Australia and trained as a counselor after the marriage ended.Read ALL her posts...you will probably relate, as I did also, to her saying she felt that in her marriage "nothing was ever resolved". It's awful walking on eggshells.Some people on the web hold out hope for improvement with a dietary approach. Look into that maybe but certainly look after your own health. The herb Rhodiola helps with stress...google it. There are helpful Christian websites helping women in abusive relationships...that will NOT place the blame on you nor expect you to tolerate abuse...eg Unholy Charade by Jeff Crippen.Sam Powell is also good...his blog is My Only Comfort. Take care. |
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Jenn 3:24 PM Sat 11th Jul, 2020 |
Hello, I'm new here . I am married to an undiagnosed man with Aspwegers . I did not know this until after we remarried after 5 tears of divorce . He was physically and verbally abusive before the divorce and and the remarriage, I wish I could say he wasn't still abusive, but he is . I'm finding this site at 12 midnight , after a complete day in my bedroom , with the door locked due to a extremely verbally abusive meltdown from my husband. He screamed at me for a few hours straight going in and out of the bedroom. I've been remarried now for almost 17 years, not beginning to even understand what o now know is asd or asperger's. I'm so low and so in despair , I dont know if anyone else has felt like they wished they were dead. I've asked The Lord to take me out of this marriage. I've many health issues on top of dealing with him . He claims the reason he bullys me , but also says it's my fault , everytime , that he was bullied by his brother growing up . He was sadistic, and cruel , a very messed up individual . I, like another person whose story I read with tears running down my face , could write volumes about this cruel disease. My husband never apologizes and walks around so arrogantly, but claims hes a Christian. He charms people and they think hes very witty and clever . I have never told my father , who lives out of state , as he'd not understand, and being 89 has enough of his own health problems. My 2 kids 37 and 29 , have seen this go on for years . My daughters husband has Aspergers to and she could write volumes as well . Her husband is not unkind for the most part ,although hes treated me very rudely over the years. I have more to say but wanted to make sure this went through. I'm at my darkest and lowest point ever , almost 30 years of knowing my husband has taken every ounce of joy from me. I'm possibly an empath , as I love deeply and care about others plights. Today I've been ill and my husband said at least your not dying, and called my crying, " mental " . The hurt goes so so deeply , I've spent the whole day alone crying and praying. He told my son it's my fault and makes himself out to be the perfect soul with no flaws . My dog is elderly also, he doesn't seem all to concerned that Asa is having a much harder time . He still expects the dog to jump up whenever he expects him to . He us hands down the coldest person I've ever known . And I'm not going to say I'm perfect as I'm far far from it. But even when I dint defend myself he comes in to continue to berate me . He can pur on such a show with others and i can see if he thinks he said something funny , they laugh with embarrassment.leaving this here as I hope it goes through. I also have no friends here in my town . I know he loves that ,and my brother passed away 14 years ago. He was in an abusive marriage with someone with OCD. He had a heart attack . My daughter recently had a baby so I'm now a grandma at 58. I wish I had a normal husband. It creates so much tension and my daughter would allow me to come over but they have no guest room anymore. Thank you all for letting me share. My heart goes out to each and everyone here . God bless you all for sharing what us so hard to share . Its hard to be vulnerable when you live with this for tears . |
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R.T. 3:59 AM Sat 11th Jul, 2020 |
I knew something was off with my ex from the beginning, but honestly I thought for the first year or so I knew him, he was a shy, quiet, "awkward" man. It wasn't until we went out of town for a night with my Mom, that she actually pointed out that he had "autism". Apparently when I was in the bathroom, she saw him doing a behavior (stimming), when he didn't know she was looking, because it was dark in the hotel room. I knew nothing about autism at that point, but she recognized it because she had worked with individuals with disabilities for years. I started researching autism online and once I stumbled upon information on Asperger's, it was a true "holy crap" moment for me. It explained EVERYTHING. All the awkwardness I experienced with him, his social or lack of social skills, lack of true friend connections except one friend from childhood, limited interests (cars, motorcycles, video games), robotic and uncomfortable intimacy, still lives home with his parents at now 36 years old, lack of communication skills, lack of problem solving skills. The list can go on and on. I truly related with the "death from a thousand cuts" statement, because I was re-traumatized over and over emotionally, true lack of empathy, appreciation, understanding, detachment, reciprocity, loneliness, deprivation. I experienced all those things, for three and a half years, off and on of course, because he can't handle any form of confrontation (problem solving and honest conversation and/or any type of feedback), therefore he would just disappear over and over, anytime he had to deal with any real type of adult situation. He has been diagnosed with anxiety and ADHD, was bullied in highschool, was in a special learning program, not special education but for slower learners, admits he may have a "disability", but the moment I mentioned the possibility of Asperger's, he said "I don't have that. Isn't that a social thing?" But in the same breath, will talk about how he's awkward and has "problems". And don't get me started on his family. They are in denial and have witheld information from him. He clearly was diagnosed with "something" in highschool. Maybe not Asperger's but they know something is "off", and watch him struggle, hence him still living at home at 36. His Mother insulted me on several occasions, although she only had a 2 minute encounter with me in a hair salon and has never had a conversation with me. I believe it was because I was honest with him about the disorder, in an attempt to help him learn what may be "wrong" with him, so he could try to learn about it and develop coping skills. He has never had a relationship beyond a few months, other that myself because he struggles with most things that are required to be successful. For those of you neuro-typicals considering and/or are involved with an Aspie, be forewarned, although they come across as "gentle and kind" at first, they will show their true colors and you will be the main object of their wrath. Because there is not TRUE, DEEP human connection. It is acted out, mimicked, superficial connection. If you can even call it that. And when they've had enough, they will discard you at the drop of a dime and move on as if you never existed. Because to them...you truly don't. I have never loved someone as much as I did my ex, for whatever reason I was drawn to him, and I've also never experienced such senseless pain. Good luck to all, you'll need it |
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Veronica 4:23 PM Fri 10th Jul, 2020 |
I've read so many stories here with interest & compassion. In a nutshell, I escaped from a 12 year marriage (with 2 children) to as Asperger's man (I wasn't aware at the time that this was the root of our difficulties). The constant cognitive discord puzzled me (I see myself as an intelligent,empathic woman) and I constantly wondered whether it was 'just me', and if I was expecting too much of a relationship - surely an emotional connection is too much to ask, when you have a nice house & good holidays etc. From outside appearances all looks marvellous, only you know the truth of living with someone who is invalidating. Starting over in midlife is a minefield, as I found that a few partners also had autistic traits, albeit quite different from one another (the main & crucial overlap being a fundamental misunderstanding - or lack of effort to connect on an important level). Each of these men had been left by their wives despite having families, because they made the excruciatingly difficult decision that their mental health was of paramount importance, not just to them, but also to their children's lives. My advice to anyone in a detrimental relationship with someone on the autistic spectrum is to assess the pros & cons of staying, but crucially, bear in mind that it is your mental (& subsequently physical) health that will suffer ultimately. I came out the other end and would not hesitate to 'save' myself first & foremost. |
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Bates Motel 2:15 PM Fri 10th Jul, 2020 |
After reading Cleo1111's testimonial, I had to comment. Thank You very kindly for your heart message. And Thank You to everyone sharing here; it takes great courage to voice the pain and humiliation we face after being made to believe we have everything we could ever want. I have been reading this site for years, stuck in a marriage that is as Cleo describes. I wonder if the person Cleo refers to was me who erased the You Tube comment. I too, am an INFJ, and I too, see the lineage in my family of origin. It is remarkable that I escaped the autistic trap they are confined in, yet, my heart and soul can no longer bear the brunt of their callous and shallow behaviors. I am the different one (scapegoat), ironically, as the neurotypical. I have had to cut off my entire family of origin in order to save myself, and yet, I am trapped with a man who thinks he is superior to me, because he is a male and tricked me into marrying him. I can't even begin to describe the pain in that alone. I have come across a book, "It Wasn't Your Fault," that says self compassion and kindness to self, are the antidotes to toxic shame, which most often originates in childhood, and also causes us to get tripped in life. Once we get past the realization of what happened to us (I won't repeat everyone's story here, though mine is very much the same), we find ourselves desperate for relief; I am finding this book, after years and years of researching the core of toxic behaviors, to be the most soothing of all in moving forward. To anyone who is dating a psychopathic asperger, get out to save yourself, and don't think twice about any of it...You will thank yourself you did. Though very grateful for the privilege of reading these testimonials, I wish there was some way we could connect on this site or be directed to one where we could...Having a one-way discourse is what I already have at home. |
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Karen 12:51 PM Fri 10th Jul, 2020 |
The worst part about having a relationship with someone with ASD is the nonstop whining and bossiness. Everything bothers them. They also try to constantly tell you what to do. They're extremely critical to the point where it will ruin your self esteem. They seem to hate fun and anything spontaneous, just boring routine because of their sensory overload which will bore a NT person. Leaving his house will cause him to have sensory overloads. Don't do anything fun like a vacation, they will ruin it with complaining and probably embarrass you. They have an adult body but mentally it's like dealing with someone that never matured past puberty. This includes meltdowns out of nowhere over things a NT person would find insane. You're essentially dealing with someone who is emotionally still a demanding, controlling, child and it will wear you out. Also, they hate being touched and are basically emotionless which will be a huge problem to anyone who is NT because you will face emotional deprivation. This behavior is not healthy for a NT person to experience for years on end. Remember, they don't have any empathy. None. It's always about them and never about you or anyone else. |
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Heidi 10:45 PM Wed 8th Jul, 2020 |
My husband and I are in our early 50's, he is my second marriage, I am his first. We have been together for a little over 5 years and married for 3. I knew my husband was different when I married him but didn't care because he was to most gentle human being I had ever met, he wasn't your typical man. My first husband was verbally abusive to me and our children and always unfaithful, so when I met my now husband I was over the moon at how gentle and kind he was. This also caused me to put on blinders when he would put out signs of his social difficulties. The other thing is, he has tons of friends and they all genuinely love him but at times the mis-communication becomes confusing to them and my husband because no one seems to understand what the other is meaning and there are hurt moments. The longest job my husband had was 9 years, it was safe and it was routine, but then he hurt his back. He's fine now thanks to physical therapy, but has not worked since. I gather he finds it stressful to deal with jobs that he can do because these days it's all about change and knowledge...his limitations. My husband is not stupid, he's just not interested in anything but his music and his video games (these are also his calming tools). I have learned to give him his space and yes it can take a full day for him to snap out of his mood. He does not do well with change at all and his out burst of anger are very embarrassing. If I go into detail about anything, I've lost him. He never compliments me and he is brutally honest. He does not get my sense of humor or anyone elses. I find that I am the responsible one, it is simply too much for him to understand or comprehend. I have accepted this, however my grown children and some of my other family and friends do not understand and Its not my business to explain his, especially since he has not been diagnosed as of yet. I went to pick up our computers that were being worked on and I explained that if he ever felt that he did not understand what my husband was mean to please contact me and I would assist him in understanding what my husband needs. When he responded, I was shocked, yet relieved!! He said, "I get it, I think your husband might have Aspergers". Then he said, "I recognize the symptoms, because I have it." He then proceeded to ask Google for the definition for me...My life with my husband had just been explained! I was happy for understanding and sad for my poor husband who had been dealing with this his entire life, with no understanding. I love him dearly and I will get him help, before I do that I have to figure out a way to explain my thought to him without him feeling totally worthless. We are moving to another state in a week and hes already on edge due to that stress. The person that was going to ride with him in the moving truck cancelled and now he has to drive up there alone, he will follow me while i drive our car. I'm working on finding another person to help, but he has to be comfortable with them and they have to be available for at least a week...that's going to be hard to do. It has taken me this long and with the help of our computer guy to understand what my poor husband has to deal with on a daily. Working on a diagnosis when were moved is our next step...wish me luck! Love and kindness to all!! |
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Angelica 11:56 AM Mon 6th Jul, 2020 |
I don't know how to begin.. My bf is an aspie, I honestly do not have any idea about this spectrum but I have just realised what it is recently. Well, he has been honest about his diagnosis since the very beginning. But, I paid no attention to it at first. Because I have no idea what asperger is lol. Bit over time, after a year starting the covid. He started to be exhausted, tired of talking, bored, is always in need of space and always snaps. I've developed a fear from him, fear of being yelled at. It always leaves me confused and emotionally, mentally and verbally attacked when he just lashes out. He gets angry if I say an opinion that opposes his, he gets upset if I fail to meet his expectations. He gets angry when I want attention lol.. That's one thing I've noticed here. That most aspies are really incapable of empathy and understanding that we NTs need the right amount of love and attention. But I talked to him about it as kind as I can and of course, he would not listen at first and just get even angrier. He would shout "I don't care!" Or "O gosh, if I had known you were an awful person I would never have talked to you!" Or "never speak to me ever again!". Which just became normal to me these past months. I guess, what really makes me not tired of understanding him is because.. whenever we have an argument, he would say sorry and try to fix it right away. He would then explain to me how he feels. Which I think is really important, I've noticed that aspies tend to keep their thoughts and emotions all to themselves. And they can open up too, it's actually best if they do. What I actually think made him open up to me. Is the fact that I do not argue or shout back at him, I let him finish. After he's done with his tantrums, I kindly try to talk to him again. I tell him how I feel and how important it is that we communicate effectively. And I tell him over and over that I love him and that I'd understand. It usually makes him calm and he would say sorry a lot for being a horrible bf. He says he just really can't control it. And that he feels bad when he feels like has not accomplished what his to do list is for the whole day. And so, I openly told him that if he needs time for himself it would be okay. So long as he makes himself be better and okay and I would just be patient. Doing my own stuff too, I try to paint or make music. I mean, it is hard but I need to shrug the emotions off. Cos one more thing I've realised is that, the more we try to approach them and try to help them, it pressures them. And it adds stress which causes melt downs. Then after giving him his time, he would come back happy. Not angry anymore. Aspies need time for themselves to regroup. And I do admit it was very hard at first. But, in order to make the relationship work always make your partner feel loved. Do not say it too much though, because actions mean more to them than words and do not overdo it, they get smothered by it. Also, give them the space they need after they have regrouped themselves they'll come back okay. And lastly, just always be kind and never shout, be patient. It is absolutely hard, but it always make my guy realize his wrongs afterwards. Or maybe I'm just blessed that my bf really found a soft spot for me. He is an amazing, smart guy, a great musician and an absolute geek, fragile too but the kindest even if he have his melt downs. And I thank God he's found in his heart to really care at least for me. He acknowledges our relationship, though he doesn't like talking too that much but he is really sweet and affectionate. He is like a man and a kid at the same time. Just give them the space they want and never get tired of understanding and being gentle towards them. They'll eventually get comfortable and feel safe and they would open up. I shared this because I want to also say that it's okay, it works and they do improve. It just takes a lot of patience, love, kindness and work. God bless ya'll! |
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Shannon 2:55 AM Mon 6th Jul, 2020 |
Dixie, Thank you for your supportive message and encouragement. My husband is not deliberately mean, just often clueless when it comes to communication and emotional support, leaving me feeling lonely, unsupported, joyless and often embarrassed--like when other people know his plans before I do, which has happend many times. "I already told you I was going away that weekend" he says, or "I just decided and wasn't able to tell you yet." He's a good enough person that I won't leave him, even though I rarely want to spend time with him anymore. People outside our marriage could have no idea and wouldn't believe it. He comes across as a great person. And so it goes on. I know he's nowhere near as difficult as some autistic spouses but I'm no less lonely despite where he is on the spectrum. The bond we had once has finally broken, the elastic snapped, due to his hurtful lack of emotional support, his rigidity and judgmental attitudes, and often nonexistent communicaton. Good luck to you all. |
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Cleo1111 7:16 PM Sat 4th Jul, 2020 |
Thank you from the very bottom of my heart for this phenomenal site and for all the beautiful people who have shared their stories here to help all of us. This site saved my life and gave me hope when l was shattered beyond belief. Very recently l responded to a video that was once posted on Youtube about Cassandra Syndrome and the impact of relationships with people on the Autism Spectrum/Aspergers, 'high functioning' or otherwise ... This is a copy of my comment in relation to that video about Cassandra Syndrome ...and l just wanted to share my profound experience in the hope it may help others .. "I rarely write comments on Youtube but this really struck my heart. I just wanted to let you know that l completely understand this ... in every way. I have met many, many people on the spectrum throughout my life ... work colleagues, people known to my family and many, many others that have crossed my path intimately ... people l have spent years and years, in fact my whole life, interacting with etc etc and in every case of my OWN personal experience, l have been devastated and destroyed by my experience with these particular people in my life who have autism / aspergers. I would give anything for it to be different as this goes against everything i believe in and hold dear to my heart. Interacting with people with Autism and/or Aspergers ... and again, l speak from my own personal experience and that of my family, has left me dead inside, invisible, disbelieved, sick, in deep turmoil, distressed, absolutely grief stricken beyond words and feeling like l was living in the weirdest reality that didnt even feel human ... no emotions, no feelings, no love, no reciprocity, no validation, no joy or spontaneous sharing and giving of oneself ... absolutely no growth or spiritual growth...… everything was a script, unauthentic, learned and not real .... which ultimately meant that the connections were not a deep soul connections and far from genuine (you have to work through a lot of the masking, camouflaging, love bombing, mimicking etc at the start) … you dont see it all right away ... it was a continual unfoldment of something bizarre, shocking to your soul and shattering to your soul ....that you couldnt even put into words .... nor could tell anyone about as NO-ONE could possibly believe you and what you are dealing with .... until it finally breaks you down as a person. And when you do uncover the truth behind the unbelievable experience, and the autistic/asperger person loses you .... depending on your value to that persons life and self-concept and level of internal development, it can turn obsessive, violent, criminal, bizarre, scary, creepy, unhinged, dark and frightening. Deeply, deeply depressing. It was devastating and tore me to pieces. It has been the most catalystic experience of my life and l had to walk away from every one of those people ... in order to save my heart from this unbearable pain. My story is an unbelievable one. I could write encyclopedic volumes of my experiences covering being the target of a near ten year long horrific episode of autistic obsessions and stalking that destroyed myself and my family …. and l could go on and on. I was dying on the inside from that plus a myriad of my experiences. I then retreated and started to work through why these particular autistic/asperger people were crossing my path (and similarly, why l allowed my boundaries to be compromised in terms of what l expected from a friendship, working relationship, family relation, intimate relationship etc). In every single experience, l knew something was off and wrong ..... and completely not in deep soul alignment with me, who l was and what l represented in life. I was persevering, inclusive, super nurturing, uplifting and forgiving. But l couldnt put it into words, something was not right .... it was mind altering and ulimately soul shattering. l then started to deeply reflect and understand/ recognise the autistic attraction to empaths, carers who feel safe and warm and welcoming, nurturers, people who had significant social skills, people who were very, very loving and caring, a mentor, people who were popular and 'successful', a mother figure .... and l recognised the role l was personally playing for those Autism/Asperger people who were present in my life (who l could clearly see lacked those things whether within themselves or lacked that from within their own families of origin where autism also existed with either their mother or father or wider family, although most of them didnt know their families were affected and how that shaped their lives and life experiences). They were running blind and had no insight. It was confronting. Autism has always existed in mankind. It is genetic and runs in families and will always continue to do so. In the hundreds of people l know with autism and/or aspergers and whom i have been very close with throughout my life, every single person has it running through their family lineage (i.e. many family members with the cobdition, often very, very hidden, undiagnosed or undetected, as yet ... going backbgenerations), or has adhd in the family or bipolar or schizophrenia history in their family. Every single one. Sometimes those conditions are covered by addictions such as alcoholism, drug use & abuse, mania/depressive episodes and people dont understand the underlying REAL problem ... the developmental and related comorbid disabilities that are at the core of everything. Some people who have children with autism say that they dont have anyone else in the family with it, how could this be??? ...... and to them l say .... look very, very carefully and very, very, very deeply... its not in your awareness just yet. In time (which can take years and years and sometimes a lifetime, if ever) .... if you reflect very deeply, it will become clear ..... it exists or traits of Autism/Aspergers or the commorbid conditions (e.g. adhd, bipolar etc) exist in you, or your partner, your family or in your partner's family …… perhaps you as an neurotypical grew up with other/some or a family member/s with it and thus that devastating family template and way of family functioning and living meant an autistic person was attractive to you so you partnered with the 'familiar' that causes you catastrophic emotional pain ....someone again with Autism/Aspergers (which was your mirror and catalyst to heal your past) ...... look around you at your family's love language, self-concept, warmth, insight, understanding, connection, emotional intelligence, level of spiritual awareness/maturity, depth and authenticity of feeling ..... and generational cycles. Most people dont recognise it in their fathers, mothers and other family members, as it can be subtle in some cases, they dont recognise autism/aspergers in women, as an example ... there are millions out there and far far exceeds what anyone can imagine and in my opinion and experience, far exceeds the males. We dont recognise it in our politicians and leaders, where it is very visible to those of us with lots of experience . People also lack the understanding of how autism, bipolar and schizophrenia and adhd, ocd, hoarding are linked. People dont understand autism and adhd, autism and addictions, autism & gender dysphoria/identity issues. All the comorbidities. Everything overlaps. It all OVERLAPS in varying degress. We have not even touched the surface of understanding Autism/Aspergers in our world. In my own opinion, it is the most crucial issue of this world .... it is Number 1. But it is merely a condition that is overlapping with all the other comorbid conditions ….. all of them under the one umbrella. I wish for all people to be well. My personal experiences have been deeply traumatic and painful. And l personally will never go there again. It was the darkest place l could have ever ventured into, unknowingly. And it led to my 'death', if l could put it in those words. .....and l say that with a very, very heavy heart ....as someone who deeply respects all people, creation .... and is deeply and profoundly heart-centred. I am an INFJ, so profound intuition and insight and deep, symbiotic soul connections is vital to my existence, my soul, my heart and myself. As humans, we must do the inner work and to come to the point of 'union with self', the highest point of conscousness, .... which dissolves all suffering and the generational/family cycles of trauma, illness, dysfunction .... and the like .... This work takes a lifetime to identify, breakdown and finally transmute to LOVE. For some ..... it's many, many 'lifetimes'. Metaphorically .... it's the 'fool's journey'. The path we are all on." ...... Some time after l made this above comment on a video on Youtube, a person replied to me and shared her experience living with a husband on the Autistic Spectrum and how she felt shattered and at her lowest point. I felt so deeply for this person that reached out to me that a few days after her comment, l went to reply to her and noticed her comment no longer there or deleted. So, to that beautiful lady in deep distress who is shattered and doesn't know how she will go on, if you ever find this message, this is my reply to you, in the hope that maybe you too will come across this site "The Neurotypical" and read all the stories and experiences of all the people who have walked in your shoes. "…....I'm so sorry it's taken me a few days to reply to your message ... even though l read it immediately. I was working through a way l could somehow convey to you in words, that are not even capable of conveying the level of feeling and emotion l feel for you. And even with words, it's not enough. First, l wanted to say .... I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. Reading your note made me very emotional. I know you are shattered and feel completely and utterly destroyed. I deeply know. From the very, very deepest part of my heart, thank you so very much for sharing your painful, soul shattering story with me. To say the words, 'l understand' doesnt even really come close to how much l see, feel and hear your suffering. I so completely 'see' you in every way. I completely understand your experiences ....so much so that you dont even have to detail or write anything. I just know. I would even know intuitively if l was face to face with you and looked into your eyes. No words needed. As a complete stranger in this world-wide web .... and someone who perhaps lives miles and miles away from you .... I wish l could extend to you my arms ... and pick your shattered soul and sense of self ... up off the ground and elevate you back to the highest place possible where you are shining so bright .... and where you know you always are.... deep within. I know, sense and feel your heart and soul in your words. I know you are a profoundly, profoundly beautiful person and l see all your deep inner work to try and make sense of this devasting world you have found yourself in that cannot survive against the will of who and what you are as a person .... and that is .... pure & deep, deep love. I see me in you. For me, the only thing l can tell you that my experience did for me was to cause a catalystic and an absolutely catastrophic spiritual awakening .... that made me see everything, and l truly mean everything, in this world ... so, so clearly. Brutal and painful. After much, much time (and for me, this meant years and years of isolation, working through the devastation and deep, deep self reflection...), I slowly regained my strength, little by tiny little .... and realised after l could not get any lower, it was time l commited to 'ME'. And only me ... despite what the world tries to sell me or tell me, despite all the 'programming' and 'templating' and everything else that has tried to distract me from me, despite my own expectations or the expectations of others of what and where l was going to be in life, with whom, how it was going to look like and everything else. I now no longer under any circumstances accept any person or situation (Autistic, Asperger, Personality-Disordered or whatever 'dis-ease' was shadowing that person's soul or from whatever dysfunctional family or generational 'templating' they came from or any other person seeking anything from me THAT THEY HAVENT FOUND WITHIN THEMSELVES)... degrading my heart, my soul, my love, my friendship, my integrity, my spirit, my deep values, my loyalty, my consciousness and awareness, my compassion, my generosity, my intuition & knowing and my profound empathy. Please know you are in my thoughts and that somebody 'out there' truly and deeply cares and understands who you are as a person. I am still navigating my way through but in the earlier days of utter turmoil and my soul 'death', if l could put it in those words ... l found a site where hundreds of people managed to find that were in the same situations as us and they too started to tell their stories. This site was like finding a needle in a haystack .... my very first help ... and l thank God, l found it at the time. It brought me to tears. Just reading through people's experiences started my own healing process. I now recognised l wasn't the only person in the world going through this and even though l had absolutely no one to support me, l started to support myself. Please, please ... spend days, weeks or whatever time you have to read the hundreds and hundreds of stories and experiences (over pages and pages) ... of these people here at The Neurotypical. You will see you, in all of these stories ...... and it will help you. As l said, this was my starting point ... and from here was my path back to ME, no matter what that looked like to others, to the outside world, to what others or my own earlier expectations for myself were. I knew who l was and what l was in this life and nothing ever again was going to cross my path that was ever going to degrade that which l held deep within my self. I'm sending you so much love and will be thinking of you and hoping that slowly and surely ... no matter how long it takes ... you will find your way through your story and come out of all of this with a deep sense of understanding, a heart still full of love that lifts everyone up ...and finally ..... shining .... so, so bright. I KNOW you will. I'll be thinking of you and reaching out to you with deep, deep care and a warm, tight hug .... over the airwaves. From one warm-hearted and heart-centred stranger to another." X |
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Nora 3:16 AM Fri 3rd Jul, 2020 |
Thank you so much to everyone for these testimonials. Reading them helped me so much in the last couple of weeks, hence I decided to share some of my experiences, too. Luckily, this relationship has only lasted for six months. Nevertheless, it left a lot of wounds and I am disappointed in myself that I didn't stop it earlier. We met online and I quickly had the impression that he is communicating differently, I was actually skeptic in the beginning. A friend of mine happened to know him a bit in real life and told me about the fact that he acted weirdly sometimes but that he is incredibly intelligent. Well, indeed, he is very smart, successful and handsome. He also seemed very kind and polite in the beginning but I realized quickly that he is not really normal. His smiles felt superficial. When we spent the first weekend together he was not asking me any questions. As a matter of fact, he kept talking for hours about himself, his career, everything that came to his mind. Later I realized that he would tell me the same anecdotes again and again, he just didn't remember about what we have already talked. To him everything was perfect in the beginning, he used to say that he always starts with seeing the best in everything because it always gets complicated soon anyway. I was worried when I learnt that he never really had long term relationships (one year counted as long) and that most of them were over after one or two months. After all, he was almost 40 and told me that he was always looking for something that works. I am in my mid twenties and was naive to believe that after dozens of fails, it could finally work with me by his side. I suspected that he was on the spectrum which is why I was very patient and understanding from the start. I tried to do everything to make him feel comfortable but I failed... it was just impossible. After three months the abusive dynamic started. He was never good at texting and we didn't communicate regularly but at that time everything got worse and worse. Due to Corona we couldn't see each other in that period, we just communicated via Skype. He would tell me that our conversations were not of value to him. He would like to see me again as soon as all of this is over but he doesn't enjoy our Skype calls. They were too long, random and slow to him. He prefers knowing exactly what he wants to tell me when calling me and after that, the conversation should be over. He stopped asking me how I was doing, what was going on in my life. He told me regularly that women were never important in his life (he actually describes himself as a woman-hater) and that he doesn't know if he wants any other person in his life at all. Once he called me telling me that I could be "of use" to him (related to something sexual), after that silence again. When we met again after the lock down everything was good, even better than it was in the beginning. Soon after that he received bad news related to his job, he got criticised for being inappropriate and not empathetic. This brought bad mood for weeks and when I arrived at his place there was nothing but coldness and moodiness. He wanted me to be gone quickly again, he criticised almost everything about me. The food I bought the day before (we made a list with the things I should buy) he threw away as soon as I was gone. The reason was that he felt as if he lost control about his life having food in his fridge that he didn't buy and doesn't want. When I asked him whether I could hug him before leaving he was saying "yes" without moving at all. He stood there like a tree, it was so weird. I felt hurt and just wanted to leave his place. On the way to the train station he was acting completely normal when driving me there. At some point, he was asking me whether I was angry because I didn't talk much. He just didn't get it. The following weeks were similar. When he was stressed, he would let me down and tell me how much of a burden I am to him, that he is not happy talking to me, that he wants no one in his life etc. When I finally asked him whether he simply wants to end it he paused and told me that maybe we should take a break. But that he hopes that we could continue talking to each other. How absurd is that. Anyways... more importantly: I was so stupid to not end it earlier. I tried to justify his behavior due to autism (he is not diagnosed but when I told him about my suspicion, he was agreeing and telling me that he thinks he has it), I tried everything to please him and make life easier for him. In the end, I completely neglected myself, I started to believe that I am not worthy enough to be with, I belittled myself. In this way, it's not his fault, it is mine. I should have realized earlier that I should take care of me in the first place, that I am worthy of being loved and being treated with respect. |
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DIXIE 11:00 PM Thu 2nd Jul, 2020 |
O SHANNON: If you scroll down on this page, you will encounter numerous testimonials that are quite similar to your's. YES you are worth happiness, as are many of us. Unfortunately many of us do have 'just a business relationship/Roommate'. For financial,children, fear of the unknown or medical reasons. I also have been married 30 years. Got love bombed like others and sex stopped completely after 2 years and 2 children later! It was robotic and fake and he would call me a Bitch right after getting out of the bed. We have had separate bedrooms and conversations are extremely limited. I never know if anything I do or say will cause a tantrum. I got yelled at for an hour yesterday because I left the coffee creamer on the shelf. Like you, my husband never stoo up for me with anyone that ridiculed me - especially my Mother in Law or inlaws. My children could call me names that were hurtful, an he would be silently sitting there smiling. Travel is like taking a toddler on vacation and after 3 days in Europe he threatened to fly home alone. We almost got thrown out of the hotel with his screaming. He walks behind me - never next to me when we go anywhere. I have to turn my head to see where he is, he answers with "I AM RIGHT HERE!" Get involve with a women's group of something, find a hobby to take your mind off of things. You are priceless and, like you, I occasionally indulge in buying or treating myself to a small trinket. My husband is not cheap like your husband is, but I handle the money and am a saver. My daughter is finishing her Doctorate in another State in 2 years. So my husband is now repairing things that need fixing in our home and hopping on me to move 3,000 miles from Florida in 2 years - NO WAY.House is paid for here and I'm not going to live in an apartment. I told him all he needs is a 10x10 foot room, TV and beer - he would never do anything differently in any other State. Would we be happier? HELL NO! I am finally getting my way in subtle ways. I also added some movie channels to our cable package - much to his dismay. Life is too darn short. I wish you all the best and it's not your fault. Although they will make you thihk it is. They always have to be right - no fun and I find most aspies lack a sense of humor. You could go to a Comedy Club and they would sit there expressionless. I've flown many miles with him, taken him to State Fairs/Concerts and even bought him a new truck when I receive a small inheritance - never got a Thank You. After he received the truck he said - WEll, you wanted it - not me. Give up and live your life, Shannon. |
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Shannon 12:20 AM Thu 2nd Jul, 2020 |
Do I really have cause to complain? I'm in an endless struggle of wondering if my relationship is good enough or not something I should continue. Is the emotional loneliness really so bad? Is a much better love even possible? I have no idea what it's like to be in a partnership where you feel emotionally supported. If I experienced it I would probably break down and sob. My husband of 30 years is a high functioning aspie, undiagnosed but obvious, and he acknowledges it. He is a professional, nice looking and kind, a good father to our young adult children. He doesn't have loud or violent meltdowns--which is why I felt safe with him and married him. Instead his meltdowns are quiet and seething. He has always had very rigid thinking and not shown emotional support at important times, leaving me feeling alone and even humiliated. If I tell him about an interaction with someone that upset me he will always take the other person's side or just give no response. Although he is a high-earning professional he has fumed at modest purchases I've made, such as, years ago, a bed or dining table (which cost $300). I like thrifting and am creative so most of our furniture is used, but still he fumed when I wanted to buy a small pre-fab shed to store bikes and gardening tools. It's been exhausting. He has extreme thinking, believing we should have no TV and no car. When I bought camp chairs because we go camping every summer he refused to sit on one, sitting on a rock or the ground instead. The kids would see this weird behaviour, and my hurt and anger. What did they think? I shudder to think that they might think such hostile, judgmental, rigid behaviour is normal in a marriage. In the early years I generally went along with his wishes, but as I got older I decided to make small choices that I wanted in life. I bought a TV and got cable. He fumed and I ignored him. I have felt for a long time that my life with him is zero fun. I feel no joy with him, none. I have done all the emotional labour to keep our marriage going and pursuaded myself a hundred times to have sex with him but now that I've stopped bothering to do that work our bond is dwindling to a pure business relationship. He dislikes restaurants, sporting events, and many other things I enjoy. He likes marathon bike rides, and I've done a few with him--I can be flexible--but it's not that enjoyable for me as his company leaves me cold. He's a good person, just not someone I can enjoy life with any longer. But we are bound together by circumstances. I stay and wait for something to change, wondering if I even have cause to complain. Deep down I must have thought I didn't deserve emotional support. I went for security over joy, not believing I deserved or might ever find both in a mate. Does anyone out there have a similar story? |
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Amy 2:48 PM Wed 1st Jul, 2020 |
In reply to David who posted 21/6. I do agree. The three people in my experience with an actual diagnosis are all clearly autistic. My self diagnosing mother on the other hand has all the traits of narcissism and I believe Aspergers offers her an excuse for her very selective coldness and absence of empathy. Her 'diagnosis' of me was veiled criticism. No doubt gender alters the presentation of any mental health condition. So, an autistic woman won't be any easier to hold a relationship with than a man. I wish you well. |
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what was i thinking 10:21 PM Tue 30th Jun, 2020 |
holy sh*t. thank God i see the writing on the wall. It's like we are all writing about the same person. My "Aspie" is highly intelligent, HOT and physically fit, has dark sarcasm and good humor. I am extremely attracted to him physically and emotionally. Love his power brain. Almost two years in and now all the pieces make sense. We are recently reconnected, 15 years after college. It's a long distance relationship for now with the intention that he is moving back closer to here. Most of his family is here anyway. We see each other about every 6-8 weeks. Covid put a pause on all visits. The chemistry is intense and the sex is great- but then again we only meet up once every two months. i always wondered why he would be sooo cold when we would say goodbye- i would get a quick kiss on the lips, no lingering or holding each other. Its as if we see each other every day. One time in our hotel stay, he ended up sleeping in another bed bc i was snoring too loud was making him hot. He hates texting, so we barely text anymore. When we occasionally facetime- he barely glances up at me, i usually get a profile shot of him talking to me while working. He is highly intelligent loves calculus. All he ever says is that everything is "emotion, never any logic" It's impossible to win any discussion with him. He LOATHES women- thinks they are completely unintelligent and contribute nothing to society. Men are superior.. To him, there are no notable women that have made significant advances or inventions like men. we always joke around that he is gay and he always says he wishes that were the case. He speaks very passionately about right wing politics, and most things annoy and irritate him- esp the left!! As mentioned, the texts are sparse,barely says i love you, maybe if i say it first in text , he will reply with " love you too", not very loving or affectionate, never remembers my birthday( its been 2 birthdays together) For his bday, i sent him gifts and books i thought he would like. Come to find out he doesnt really like birthdays. He has a deep passion for building RC cars- so that's his "quirky hobby" when he is not working 80 hours a week. The last straw was just recent. He was really drunk and for the first time called me a piece of shit over and over, saying i was self absorbed and made him feel bad. I didnt even do or say anything to trigger him and then said he wants nothing to do with me and hung up. I was bewildered and devastated. WTF just happened? That was the first time i ever experienced that kind of behavior and it will be the last. I have been in love with him for so long and was so happy to reconnect with him and then he just broke my heart. Reading through these testimonials, i feel saved. I am ok today and will be. I dodged a bullet. An emotionless one sided relationship and would never have my most simplest of needs met. I dont want a life of eggshells and trying to please him. Brains, brawn and good looks are not everything. No wonder why he never married. He is 43. thank you all! |
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Fairlie 12:57 AM Tue 30th Jun, 2020 |
I feel very grateful right now that my husband and are enjoying a happier relationship than we've often had in the past 33 years. We've both worked hard to accomplish this. Learning that Aspergers was the reason for his 'challenging' behaviours has helped a lot. As is often the case he's not interested in sex but is affectionate - I don't mind initiating hugs when he mind is 'elsewhere'! I've studied various aspects of this 'condition' and no longer take his occasional 'obnoxious' behaviour personally. Certain things can still upset me but I have better coping strategies which end up helping us both. We have a very healthy lifestyle (diet/exercise/stress management) and take appropriate and helpful nutritional supplements. In addition to a variety of minerals/vitamins - magnesium, melatonin, DHA (sometimes gaba) and lithium orotate really help him with stress/anxiety. I stay relatively calm when he's being 'difficult'. Strong reactions from me usually just add 'fuel to the fire'! Painful memories of past situations somtimes enter my mind but after a few minutes they fade as I start to 'strategize'. At such times, I 'distance' myself from him, distract myself by keeping busy and often plan a special occasion/treat for myself (compensation). After the 'dust has settled' I take my time and choose appropriate times and places to bring up things that I feel are imprortant to deal with. We have a break from one another every winter when I take 'budget' trip for 2-3 months (he sometimes joins me for a short time). We've had some very stressful times when travelling so I try to avoid 'trigger' situations. I want us both to be as healthy and happy as possible! Achieving this has taken extensive knowledge of Aspergers and how others are affected, empathy, respect, support, determination, confidence, patience, a sense of humour, creativity, optimism and gratitude! |
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caro 6:58 AM Mon 29th Jun, 2020 |
I've been with my partner for 14 years. He swept me off my feet and wooed me with huge passion. Then his hobby replaced me and I spent the next few years recovering from breakdowns caused by neglect, cruelty and strong denial. His terrifying melt-downs used to ruin family trips, he ruined an important rare visit with my son all over leaving a lightswitch on-he's obsessed with money and has OCD. His behaviour in private can be shockingly abusive. After this I wondered how much longer I'd have to take medication to cope with Cassandra Syndrome, my doctor agreed he might benefit from the same medication, escitalopram. The difference is instant, he doesn't have melt downs and I'm not terrified of him anymore. His OCD has eased up on meds. But...I still exhaust myself trying to have equality and real love. He does barely anything around the house but will use his AS logic to 'win' conversations around this, or anything to do with empathy. OUtwardly, he appears a quiet, lovely IT worker and nice man, his relationship behaviour is shockingly different. His father, very AS but suspected Narrisistic Personality Disorder was a bully and very macho and sexist. I see my husband as a child at times, he is not there for us, he will always put himself first and despite having a diagnosis, will deny deny deny that AS traits cause problems. I hae no family to turn to. I sometimes love him, he says he loves me. I would never recommend getting involved with someone with AS, the emotional unending trauma has ruined my life. |
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Missy Lip 5:20 AM Fri 26th Jun, 2020 |
For anyone who does not have a child, does not have strong legal or monetary entrapments, get out now. Nothing you do will ever give you the love, kindness, understanding and rationality that you would get from a neurotypical person. Nothing. Not therapy, Not Medicine, Not endless hours explaining to the ASD person what is broken, nothing will give you what you need and deserve in a relationship. I have tried everything and I feel as though my life has been a waste of space. All I can do is advise you to get out of the Hell you are in right now. |
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Becca 5:01 AM Thu 25th Jun, 2020 |
I’ve never felt the need to find a support group/community board until now. Reading everyone’s testimonials brought me a sense of peace, and is giving me a lot to think about. My boyfriend and I are on a month long break. We’ve been dating for a year, and only in these last couple months have I started to realize he isn’t giving me what I need romantically and emotionally. He’s doesn’t have a mean bone in his body, he never gets angry, and has been my best friend. When we first started dating, he casually mentioned he was diagnosed as autistic as a kid, but neither him nor his family ever really acknowledged it. I took it with a grain of salt, because at the time he just seemed like a very stoic and well rounded individual. He’s incredibly smart, very passionate about fishing and writing, and hates the idea of working a “real” job. He doesn’t have many friends except for me. 1 year later and he never compliments me, even though I made it clear I want to feel loved or appreciated romantically. No flowers or notes. No spontaneous acts of kindness. Just quality time, which is great if we’re best friends, but not so much for a relationship. I asked him to take a break and he finally accepted. While I know he wants to get get back together sooner than I’d like, I can’t help but wonder if I want to re enter something if there’s no chance for him to learn how to be more intimate. He isn’t totally inept at reading body language or tone, which is why I’m not sure if he actually is on the spectrum or if he’s just consciously stonewalling me because he’s not “there” yet. Thank you everyone for sharing, and for those who have taken the time to read this. |
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a cassandra 11:13 AM Wed 24th Jun, 2020 |
Holly, i can feel your pain. This is typically my son, warm, loving, generous, but unattached. I didn't even know he was an aspie, thought he was shy, until i disapproved of his girlfriend and did quite a bit of screaming, he ran away from me for the last good 2 yrs. The pain, the suffering, the tears, the heartbreak was all horrible. I knew he acted like my husband and my father in law, didn't understand what was wrong until i hit upon this word asperger's and oh boy, what an eye opener. my 28 years of quest was instantly answered. by then i had lost my mind, became too thin and diabetic. i am trying to recover from the torment and trying to build my relationship with my son. working on my relationship with my hubby, of course he isn't doing much. There were never appreciation, acknowledgment,validation, a thank you or sorry, no kind and loving word, it was either talk about facts or yell or go stony....i am really writing a book about my relationship, hopefully i could publish to help others in similar situation. I have taken up masters course to keep me engaged and i have my wonderful family supporting me through this. it is hard but i am letting autism dictate my life. i love my son so much, but his behavior is making me slowly getting detached. i don't like that feeling, but that's the only way i can protect my sanity. after two years, he is slowly opening up, only messaging not picking up my calls and telling me where he is living, keeping the msgs short and curtail. i miss our wonderful relationship (only i invested and imagined it reciprocal) but trying to forgive and forget his mistakes coz even he doesn't know he is autistic. i keep coming back to this website to know everyone's struggle and to know that i am not crazy |
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Pam 6:08 AM Mon 22nd Jun, 2020 |
This site is a lifeline to me My husband of 44 yrs is an undiagnosed aspie I have always known there is something seriously wrong with him but didn't even know about aspergers until he read something about 5 yrs ago and said I think I have this He thinks he is superior to me and knows everything We have had so many arguments and of course they are all my fault When he talks it is not a normal conversation No eye contact just him talking at me not to me We had the grandchildren over on the weekend and we were all having a good laugh and one of the kids said (isn't it funny Papa isn't laughing and we all are) That's how it always has been yet with strangers he would laugh I feel so sad knowing this can't be fixed but I have lots of friends and wonderful family so I can go on and I have the Lord in my life Now we're retired it gets harder and harder but reading that others are in the same boat makes it bearable I could write a book about all the embarrassing horrible things he has done Thanks everyone |
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Holly 5:05 AM Mon 22nd Jun, 2020 |
It is so good to read all your stories and thanks for sharing them.I think my (ex ?)boyfriend is an undiagnosed Aspie.We had a great relationship for ten months.Then Corona and a new job came for him and that started a bad time.He works as a pharmacist at a big hospital.When all of this started happening of course he was super stressed, working long hours and sometimes there was a night where he did not text.I am quite self-sufficient and trust him completely, so never thought a lot about it apart from of course worrying for his health..I knew he would be overwhelmed and we would text the next day.Even during the worst crisis in april and beginning of may we stayed in touch almost every day.Then he handed in his notice to change to a different wing as he could not stand his boss.When he handed his notice in..he wrote a long text how reliefed he is and how we will go away once he is done there.He wrote he loves and misses me so much.In the four weeks that followed uo to his last day there..we were less and less in contact.I think he felt he needed to give over and above for his team before he left.I didn't push him and told him its all ok.I know he is busy, and just to get ion touch when he feels ok or needs help.He said i am a amazing human being for being so understanding and loving.I wrote him a card and he took it to work, saying it made the day bearable for him.The day before his last day the silence started to get long..he was off his old job and did not get in touch.I thought he might be sleeping as he must have been exhausted, but the message i got in the evening hurt so bad.He wrote a lot about how he changed during the pandemic and it will take time to feel himself again.He was unsure about the hours for his new job ( a little all over the place) and he felt selfish for not being in touch as much.He said he felt bad he could not support me through the crisis and he doesn't know if he can.he hates this and he is sorry.That was the last time i heard from him..i wrote back explain to him that he should take time to heal and i will keep in touch to let him know i am still here.That i love him and will continue loving him even when he is taking me-time to himself.I texted if he could please maybe text me once a week to let me know he is "ok".And that i understood how hard it must be for him..I told him i wait for him.To get better.To find himself again.He read that text and that was the last time i saw a sign of life.He has not read any of my texts ( mostly stating that i hope it gets easier for him and i am here if he needs me and i love him) its five weeks now.To say i am destroyed is positive..i lost a stone in weight and feel horrid.Next week i will try and reach out to him in person..but i am scared and nervous and all things.I love him son much, and i know he is not mean.he did not block me or tell me he doesn't love me.I think something had to give and it was me.i can not express in what pain i am about it..but i think on here i don't have to.Whoever reads this gets it ,i am sure.So feel for all of you..it is so hard to love a person that is so distanced.and yet..i wish for nothing more than being with him again.He was/is the most caring, tender, touchy feely, lovely guy with a huge heart and incredible kind.But i guess..it will never be easy. |
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David 4:49 PM Sun 21st Jun, 2020 |
I'm struck by the predominance of people who have experiences with males with Aspergers, but I must point out that females with Aspergers can be just as toxic and damaging to men who get involved with them. I think they fly under the radar, not necessarily because Aspergers in women is less frequent, but because it's harder to diagnose. I also think that it's dangerous to make these arm-chair diagnoses ourselves, which we are tempted to do because it offers a convenient way of explaining someone's behavior. In my case, the woman I was with was "professionally" diagnosed, at least that's what she said, but I was too naive to realize that I should have run at that point. Also, the outward appearance of Aspergers- the love bombing, the devaluation, the discard, the treating others like objects as opposed to people, the lack of real empathy- these are things that are identical to what is seen in full fledged narcissists. There is a literature on this, and the Aspergers support groups are full of self-righteous and militant members who resent the implication that at least some of them really might have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). They take comfort in being labeled with a diagnosis that implies an inherited disorder of brain hardwiring, because it absolves them of any responsibility to improve. As I read some of these valuable posts here, I often wonder what the diagnosis really is- is it Aspergers, which has become the politically correct and more trendy thing to say, or are we dealing with narcissists who are the product of a dysfunctional upbringing? Until a specific treatment is available for one condition over the other, the only thing that matters to me is the outward behavior and its affects on us, not the diagnostic label. In some ways, I object to the widespread use of the Aspergers/HFA diagnosis, because it lets people off the hook too easily. They cause damage to others, they know they do it, they're smart enough to modify their behavior, but they just don't care. Hard-wiring or not, these people can destroy someone's life. Therapists are not incentivized to render a diagnosis of narcissism, because it carries a stigma with it that will anger the patient and cause him/her to leave the practice, which has financial ramifications to the therapist. Much better to tell someone that he or she has Aspergers, right? They are told that it's not their fault because they were born with it. Instead, they are told they have a gift, a "superpower", not something to be ashamed of or to correct. The world has gone mad. Until the psychiatric community is better able to distinguish Aspergers from NPD and to develop effective treatments, no progress will be made, and we will continue to be victimized by these people, no matter what diagnostic label you give them. |
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Amy 6:01 AM Sun 21st Jun, 2020 |
My nephew and his father have aspergers. My sister divorced and I clash horribly with both these men. I had to deal with an autistic man at work and we could not work together. He said I was aggressive because I would not give him the answer he wanted. I find these people so abhorrent because their behaviour seems selfish to me. They are my antithesis. So I went to stay a few days with my mother this week after a two year silence between us which was my choice. We discussed family stuff. The subject of my nephew came up and of aspergers came up. She said it trickled down genetically from the whole family and seemed to imply we all had traits. I stated clearly I was not. I said I enjoyed human contact too much. She then said she was, that she had no trouble acknowledging this. I was gobsmacked. My mother has never admitted anything close to a 'fault' and suddenly I begin to see explanations. For coldness, constant criticism, cruel comments followed by (well it's true), never touching, no ability to understand my feelings and seeing me as a useful object from which to gain something. I agree with the oeople here who say get out. Seriously, you deserve to be loved by someone and treated well. But how do I separate from my mother? And now that I think of it, my other sister ... |
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Mags 4:56 AM Sun 21st Jun, 2020 |
My husband of 16 years shows some traits- the most notable being difficulty with eye contact, dislikes socialising, walks with a very rigid gait. He is a good man and is actually the one who does the bulk of the ‘adult’ household organisational stuff (I have dyscalculia which affects my ability to organise myself). He is a good husband and father yet I keep finding myself questioning whether I can stay with him due to the loneliness, lack of social life and sexual issues. When he proposed on top of a mountain, he sat BEHIND me! I didn’t expect him to go on one knee but to have been looking at me would have been nice. I had barely heard of autism back when we got married but through reading up on it over recent years because I am convinced his mum (who I have a difficult relationship with) has it- I have seen the traits in my husband too. His passion (bikes) has always come first. Though cycling was what brought us together it is just one of many hobbies for me. I have to put up with bike related paraphernalia all over the house and a huge chunk of the family budget going on numerous top end bikes (whilst we were without a shower room for 9 months!) yet if I have some piles of magazines lying around he threatens to throw them away as they are cluttering the house. I’m definitely not perfect but would love him to be assessed so we know if this is what he has. |
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Vic 2:33 AM Sun 21st Jun, 2020 |
Wow I feel that Polly, who posted yesterday, and I are in a very similar situation. I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, and the issues we have today (which are beyond amplified) were there from the start. My partner is undiagnosed officially but has long known he’s high functioning. He is overbearing and can talk you into insanity in an argument. To the point that I’m anxious when he now enters a room. He’s emotionally abusive in arguments and will try to show me diagrams about how he’s right and I’m wrong - over the years my identity has been squashed. I’ve put up with it and moved on from arguments for the sake of the kids, but we’ve now agreed to separate. He has also recently lost his job for being overbearing so I know - and since lockdown - have heard how he speaks to others. He has a grandiose sense of self and is histrionic and has no sense of personal space in a conversation. |
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Bridgette 1:46 AM Sun 21st Jun, 2020 |
"As long as you refuse to have a conversation about the problems, we are not ok. Just reminding you. Right now my focus is on this pain and trying to get better but I wanted to remind you." Text I just sent him even though he's home right now because I get the same response as when I'm speaking to him, no response. Side note, pain is headache won't go away I've been dealing with going on second week. It's a chronic thing for years now, anyway. He deals with things with hugs. No talking. Just hugs. Needless to say hugs do not solve problems. He absolutely refuses to talk about it. He will talk my head off all day long about things important to him and he'll talk to neighbors too. Whenever I start a conversation I get crickets from his end, unless it's about his interests. He doesn't seem to understand that when his words are rude and downright emotionally abusive that I don't want a hug or a kiss 30 minutes after getting my "head chewed off" for no good reason. Just the tip of the iceberg of the issues. Lord help me. |
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Ella 8:24 AM Sat 20th Jun, 2020 |
I reluctantly agreed to date a shy, awkward, brilliant (with chops to back it), childlike man in his late 40s after he pursued me. For weeks he loved bombed me in a painfully shy and awkward way. I found it amusing and wasn't alarmed because I assumed he just didn't know how to pace things due to his non-NT brain. He was incredibly doting, sweet. Promised me his loyalty. One night several weeks into things he became verbally abusive, angry, hostile. I quickly got off this call. An hour later came the weird texts: began talking like he was some sort of playboy (out of character completely). Two days later a super strange communication in which he talked like I was one of his dudes, in something that sounded like 1960s slang. I still ignored. That day he began dating online again so I figured I was off the hook - but no. Days later he sent a desperate text to find out if we were still an item. I broke it off with him in a simple but honest and kind reply and since then it has been nothing but silence. I am socially pretty savvy but I never, ever saw this coming. I thought non-NTs were essentially straight forward emotionally. But his love bombing was just an act. The new personas that came out were a complete shock. My friends think he is sociopathic. Anyway, that is my story. I hope it helps others. I was not invested so there was no harm no foul for me but what was surprising is that there was a level of sadism to the whole thing. He's a good actor. I'm dating again and this one is so much easier and it all just flows. I should have pulled back after the first red flags. Be aware and take it slow always. Good luck out there! |
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Polly 5:25 PM Fri 19th Jun, 2020 |
Thank you all for sharing, it means a lot. I have been with my partner for over a decade and while there were signs that something was not right from the beginning, I always forgave arguments and swore to work harder and do better at meeting his needs. As with many people in this situation, I’m generally overly empathetic, hate confrontation and have my own issues with rejection and repressing negative feelings. We have no diagnosis and in many ways, I struggle to know whether I am even now getting it wrong. Unlike many other stories I see here, he actively wants to talk. In fact, my anxiety around talking (because talking to him is the most cutting assessment of a situation, where I am always in the wrong, and is not affected by my point of view or increasing distress, and which can go on for days at a time) is now our key issue. The fact I avoid talking in the manner he wants to is proof that I don’t care about him. When I started being very anxious and working to suppress any criticism or potential disagreement, due to my fear we were about to have a fight, it was claimed that I should be working on that issue and that the panic was my own problem and one I should not only solve, but explain to him. I have been in therapy for years. I do still love him but some of the things he’s said to me and the way they’ve been said, make me hate myself so much. His desire to talk and to assign his negative emotional state to me makes me feel as though I am incorrect, because it seems unlike many typical manifestations. Yet there are so many smaller things that make me wonder. He is a wonderful person in many ways. And yet I feel constantly at war with him and myself. |
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Fairlie Scott 12:07 AM Fri 19th Jun, 2020 |
I've been married to a man with Aspergers for 33 years. It was so sad to read Jen's post and think about how difficult her life would probably be if she stays with her live-in boyfriend, possibly gets married and has children! If she really cares about him then remaining friends but not co-habitating could be ideal. One of the many therapists my husband I saw said that having our own places could resolve most of our issues. I'm 74, husband is approaching 78. We live on modest pensions which prevents that option. Living with someone with this condition is way beyond difficult! I've had to work very hard to stay sane and relatively healthy! |
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Jess 3:28 PM Thu 18th Jun, 2020 |
Does anyone here have experiences with their aspergers partner improving over time? My aspergers partner used to be awful because he just didn’t “get it”..he would come home from work at 4am while I’m asleep, slam the door, and start singing like he’s the only person in the apartment. He would not Understand why I get upset when he asks me to pour milk out of my bowl into his bowl (when he has been off for days but chose not to go to the grocery store). He would not get it when I refused to go to the post office for him because he had 5 days off in a row but his executive function skills didn’t allow for him to plan a reasonable time to go to the post office. Overall he has gotten a lot better. He actually cooks more often than not, he will not put up a figure if I ask him to help me clean. He makes a real attempt to be quiet when he comes home at 4am from work. But he describes it as difficult because it’s “things he has to remember”.....I do appreciate the change but he definitely has room to go. The apartment is often a mess when I come home and he’s been home all day. He has literally never cleaned the bathtubs or sinks. He constantly leaves food in the garbage disposal so it smells...and this list goes on. Have any of you guys had luck with behavior changing for the better? |
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Jen 9:34 PM Wed 17th Jun, 2020 |
I need to say "Thank You" to everyone here who has helped me realize that I am not alone and I am not crazy. I have been living with my bf for over a year and I feel like I'm loosing my mind. He only works a part time job (1 day a week for 4 hours) and when hes not working all he does is play video games. When he first moved in he told me that he knows that "no one gets a free ride in life" and was very helpful with little things around the house like cleaning up, making coffee, doing laundry and just general upkeep since I am the one who works full time and pays all the bills. 6 months in and boy did things change. He wont talk to me about anything that isn't related to video games and if I try, I get met with silence or he just stares at me. I have tried to explain how I need help with some household chores during the day since he doesn't really work and is home all the time and he tells me I treat him like a slave and he has no free time to do the things HE wants to do. Are you kidding me??!! I don't ask him to scrub the damn walls or anything all I'm asking him is if the dishwasher is full to put the soap pod in and push the damn start button and when they are dry to put them up, take out the garbage when the can is full and just general upkeep. Pick your dirty clothes up off the floor and put them in the laundry etc...I explained to him that I don't feel that I am being unreasonable by asking that he takes care of these things and he just stares at me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that?! Nothing ever gets resolved because he never talks to me. He says that he hears me but that's as far as I get. He gets SSDI benefits but his mother is his payee. I asked why he needs a payee at 31 years of age and he just shrugs and says "I don't know". He doesn't try to ask why he cant be in control of his own benefits and doesn't seem to care that his mommy has access and control to that part of his life. Its so frustrating to see someone that I love and care about not give a shit about doing anything more with his life. Its like he is fine with just being someones dependent. I know this relationship wont last much longer if nothing gets any better. |
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Darlene 3:35 AM Wed 17th Jun, 2020 |
It has been 3years since I left my 16 year marriage with an undiagnosed asperger. I left when I realized that I was not doing the best I could for my children. Throughout my marriage I was told by several councillors to leave him. I tried to keep things together for the family image. Oh, how I wish I had left sooner. I am beginning to get my life back after all the emotional damage I experienced over the union. It has been difficult to get rid of him, so do your preparation carefully before telling him that you are leaving. Although his revenge has been relentless I am finally making some headway for sanity. I will say that I’m a professional and am capable of handling a home and money matters alone. With that said, I do have a new relationship. My ex has tried desperately to engage in a relationship since, but has failed each time. When he is interested in someone it makes life easier for me. Presently he is with someone. All I want to tell her Is”run for your life, no one deserves to live in hell” but then I guess she will have to find out that for herself. My feelings are conflicted. I don’t think anyone deserves that, but right now he is leaving me alone which I am so thankful. My best advice is don’t hesitate one more minute if you are married to an Aspie. Run for your life and salvage yourself and your children from further pain. |
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Holly 1:09 AM Wed 17th Jun, 2020 |
Last night, we had a nice night. Dinner was good and satisfying. Conversation was good all seemed like a "good" day. As we are walking into the bedroom, he changes the thermostat up to 80. Which we usually keep it at 78 (compromise for me), but it was a little hot (just finished cooking), so why is he turning it up to 80? I made a ugh noise (which he hates), but didn't change it. I know battles and this was not worth it. He thought I had changed the temp, but I didn't. I said "no, I didn't change it, ass" and boom that set him off. I was gearing up to see if my 5 year old nephew was going to play a game with me online (new thing I've been adding in to stay in touch). He then goes off, ask how many things do I want to control. I told him I didn't change the temp, I just want to check and see if my nephew is online. He instructs me to put the controller down and go and clean up dinner. He also tells me (and he's brought this up several times), that he knew me playing a game with my nephew was going to bite him in the ass, because he has been doing so much to give me time to play with him. I knew adding this new element into our lives meant it would upset him in the long run. This is his way of controlling when he feels like I'm controlling. I know it's no use to say anything else so I go to the kitchen to clean up, he follows. He now is in an irate state, and goes to throw away 1/2 a bag of chips (he loves to waste food when he's melting down), but I try and stop him. BIG MISTAKE, another reason to call me controlling. He proceeds to open the bag and dump it on the floor. This isn't the first time he's done this. He grabs our salsa container and threatens to dump it as well. I am trying to stay calm and tell him to do whatever he needs and I will clean it up. But that is not enough and also makes him angry, he tells me that he will clean it all up and then tells me he has to clean up after me all the time and I can't even clean my shit stains out of the toilet. It's abusive but I don't know how to leave. I feel controlling, I acknowledge to him that I shouldn't have been mean with calling him an ass, and that I shouldn't have tried to control. We spent the night not talking. He cleaned the entire kitchen, and I KNOW he will use it against me down the road. I feel bad about saying that, is me expecting that setting us up for failure? I don't know what to say after we have an argument, especially when I feel like he should apologize, but to him it's not his fault. I want to let him have meltdowns on his own terms, but how do I break into that wall after he's put it up. I ask him this morning "how are you feeling" but that set him off too. As I'm typing this I realize none of this is normal, but I care for him so much. I just don't want to feel like it's only my fault anymore. Should I be the only one apologizing? Is any of this normal??? The more I read testimonies, it seems like all you do is give up on the person you love and I get being upset at their behavior, but when does it become too much? I told myself last night that I don't want to live this way anymore, but I feel different when I wake up. Even though he's still so mad at me and when I get home from work today it's going to be the same fight. There is never enough time for him to move on from a meltdown. I have tried so many ways to have a conversation after, but it just results in more fighting. Last thing is he tells me during EVERY fight that he's going to leave me. That is his go to and I've told him how much it hurts my feelings and he says that's the point. He wants to hurt me the way I hurt him. It's just so confusing. |
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Lana 9:00 PM Tue 16th Jun, 2020 |
1,5 years of relationships with Asperger guy. In the beginning it was perfect 3-4 first months. I noticed during this time, he once mentioned, that he wants to work and not take vacation (we were both on a get to know each other trip for 2 weeks), but I thought, he is just goal-oriented person. Once we moved in togetehr fairly quick things changed. He became more short-tempered, occasionnaly saying rude words and blaming me in the moment. We dicussed these situations afterwords and he was apologetic, since he was saying that his parents were narcissistic and he learned some wrong coping mechanisms from them. He was becoming increasingly sensetive and could get offended with or without a visible reason, could not explain his emotions straight away and needed few days of silence. We started with 2 days of silence, than 4, than 1 week. At the end we did not talk properly for 1,5 months. He said, he needed time to recover, since I constantly try to make him to talk. I tried to respect his time, but at the end I exploded and said, that I can not longer give him time and need him to talk. Our agrgument escalated and he moved out. In the course of our arguments he was emotionally and physcially violent (these both things also escalated over time). I still try to process this situation as it happened a little bit over a week ago. From one side I miss him and still cannot get away from the feelings, that I have to him, from the other side this situation was taking all of my emotional strenght and prolonged periods of silence, where he blames me for my mistakes, are so difficult, especially, if they reoccur almost every week and if you live in the same apartment. Along the way he was officially diagnosed with Asperger, but he does not see the need to go for therapy. It is not his prioroty. Now I am questionning myself: either I was not able to give him enough time to recover or I should have just left earlier to save myself from pain? |
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Molly 10:18 AM Tue 16th Jun, 2020 |
Katie, yes it gets worse over time. I’m so exhausted from my marriage to my ASD husband. He’s officially diagnosed by many health professionals. He doesn’t like to accept he’s on the spectrum. Everything is always my fault. I just don’t care anymore. I have become a numb person. |
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Katie 6:44 AM Tue 16th Jun, 2020 |
Sorry for the multiple posts, but I'm glad to hear that I'm not alone in this. Living with someone that refuses to get diagnosed is living hell. It's never his problem and my tears/anxiety attacks mean nothing to him. No empathy whatsoever. Countless arguments day after day are purely exhausting to me as I'm not really one to argue, yet he loves to start them constantly..whether it's with his constant criticism of me, or his "butthurt" feelings. Does Asperger's worsen over time is my question... |
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Katie 5:30 AM Tue 16th Jun, 2020 |
So thankful I stumbled onto this site as I've been going absolutely crazy with anxiety the last few days with my husband's undiagnosed Asperger's. Thank you for sharing your stories, as they soo hit home with me!! We've been married 8 years; him being just awesome the two years before we were married. Day after we were married he became a completely different person. Very OCD and extremely territorial. His cupboards/my cupboards..his vacuum cleaner/my vacuum cleaner, etc. Even the garage is HIS territory and how dare I store any of MY things in it; as he'll go so far as to take it out and toss it somewhere just to make his point. I misuse everything and can never do anything correctly in his book. He'll spend hours vacuuming the carpets until the fibers practically come up. How dare I do dishes as he'll take everything out and rewash it. He wants me to cook, but when I do..it's not what he wants so he makes his own. I've sort of given up in all "housewife" depts., as he'll find something wrong with it. Sex is a thing of the past..can't remember the last time. Even cuddling is out of his realm..he likes his back rubbed..but returning the favor..NOPE. Hugs and kisses are rare. Tried talking face to face with him one time and he couldn't do it. Tried him standing in front of me and holding me..he couldn't do that either. Constantly pets the dogs though..CONSTANTLY!!! Can't stand any sort of ceiling fans running either, and has gone so far as to take the "pulls" off them so I can't start them, as they're too noisy. He hates any sort of noise and is constantly "shushing" me. Never into any sort of conversation with me completely..always staring at his cell phone; telling me he's listening, but really isn't. I can tell him to please pick up his dirty clothes (as he won't let ME do it)..and takes them to the laundry mat..I don't do them well enough/he doesn't like the smell of the laundry detergent I use as it's too overwhelming for him. Everything scented I buy has to be with his approval or he'll toss it in the garbage. He hates change and has to do the same things day in and day out. An outing means either going to the grocery store, Menard's or Fleet Farm...anything else he has no patience for. Doesn't understand when I'm kidding around with him and gets highly offended most times. He gets especially "hot under the collar" if I ask him nicely to do something..and get frustrated with him when he doesn't. That's when he puts on his, "I'm sick of you always telling me what I'm doing wrong" attitude...and will pout for DAYS!! He's super sensitive and thin skinned as ever!! Can't understand when I'm merely kidding, etc. He has absolutely no filter oftentimes when it comes to my family and has made several uncalled for comments..which hurt my feelings. No apologies whatsoever as he's always right..and what he said was true. Again, no empathy, no consideration for other's feelings. He also has a slight drinking issue and stinks to high heaven of beer and cigarettes some nights when he comes to bed. Ask him nicely if he could please sleep in the spare bedroom those nights. Which brings me to the reason for my hopefully not too long post. His feeling are hurt because I asked him to please pick up after himself. He hasn't talked to me in days so we've been practicing "social distancing"..as he's still on the "me telling him everything he does wrong bandwagon" In addition to that, he's completely negative about anything and rarely gives me a compliment...if ever. I've talked to my counselor about this and he told me that while I'd like to write him off as a total jerk..while he's never met him, he shows all the symptoms of Adult Aspergers. His closet is full of all the same shirts in different colors, can't stand the feel of certain fabrics; is super sensitive..not being able to pick up on sarcasm, etc. All the symptoms are there, yet my husband refuses to get help..along with medications for it. This is his 4th marriage, as others left for the same reason..one ex saying that she got more attention from a paper bag. Thanks so much for reading this super long post and again, so glad I found this site and read what the rest of you are going through. Doesn't make me feel so alone anymore. |
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Eileen 8:19 AM Mon 15th Jun, 2020 |
This site helped me so much in deciding to end my relationship with my suspected Aspie partner. It all came to a head when he stated that my tears meant nothing to him and that I was entitled for asking for a little more thoughtfulness. I spent this whole quarantine cooking and cleaning for him after losing my job. I was still paying my own bills. Please believe me when I say they do not care. They will leave their messes everywhere and indulge in their special hobby with no thought for the people around them. Please love yourself enough to get out of this relationship. Maybe therapy can help them but they need to realize that they need help instead of accusing you of being the problem for having emotions. |
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Sharon 7:38 AM Mon 15th Jun, 2020 |
I am so exhausted. I sleep to get a break from him. He only says my name when he wants something so I cringe at my name. He pets and scratches me the same as our dog. He watches as I carry and drop things and tells me I dropped something. I have to ask for almost everything. Move over so I can walk past. Close the door. He is the most unengaged person I know in a home environment but is brilliant at work. He stares excessively at me without talking and names objects as though identifying pictures in a preschool reader. “You have on your green earrings.” Ah yes indeed I do- is this fact naming his form of complimenting or conversation starting? I don’t try to fill in the conversations anymore to try to make this normal. Yup, green earrings today. He spends almost all of his non-work hours reading, on the computer, tv, radio in his constant quest to amass more facts and information. I used to wonder what his “special interest” was- it seemed like he knows everything about everything. I guess his interest is data collection. His most common response to anything I say, if he responds at all is “Oh yeah?” Yeah actually, but I feel so stupid when I’m with him. Weekends are so hard since we are together (I go to work during the pandemic). I feel like I’ve had an emotional stroke by the time I escape to the office on Monday. |
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Amanda 10:44 AM Sat 13th Jun, 2020 |
I write this as my husband and I have had our umpteenth fight this week. I'm so exhausted. Every cell in my body feels like it's storing frantic stress. I have constant anxiety due to my husband's Aspberger's, and it's only worsened during the pandemic. I'm constantly worried about saying or doing the wrong thing; will the food be cooked the way he wants? Is that glass or plate he's using clean enough? Will he spend 5 mins cleaning a fork that I've already cleaned? The list goes one. He was first diagnosed last fall at age 43 after a traumatic life accented by bullying and poverty (not his fault obv). He's a very talented writer and we met when I moved to CA 10 years. I sensed he was special, but also felt scared off and on by behaviors that alarmed me. A musician in a restaurant played at our table and he got livid that the guy was "hitting on" me. (He wasn't) We stayed a Motel 6 once and the 2 beds were very tiny, but he insisted that we sleep together; in the middle of the night, I was uncomfortable and switched to my own bed and he was very angry the next morning. I was scared, but I ignored it. This stuff went on for years until I finally told he needed to see a specialist because it wasn't just "depression" or "anxiety." And sure enough, he has autism. And the diagnosis has been both good and terrible. Some of the people he'd told don't believe me, so he's internalized that anger. He gets even more upset/reactionary and has meltdowns now. His OCD is out of control since COVID started; he won't let me pet our dog unless I wash my hands after. It goes on and on and on. And tonight he got livid that I asked him to save some potatoes for me because he thought I was trying to control how much he ate. I'm just so tired. Thank you for listening. xo |
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DIXIE 2:27 AM Fri 12th Jun, 2020 |
First of all, thank you ever so much for this site. I could list all my husband's Aspie traits, but thy have been listed by others. I have been with him 30 years and just learned about Aspergers 2 years ago. We have 2 daughters who are educate and now live 3,000 miles away. My husband has been retired for 3 years and it has become unbearable, but others on this site know that. The Groundhog days are all the same. The sex stopped about 2 weeks after the honeymoon. Lucky if it was 3 times a year. The first time I discovered something was wrong with him was one day he tried to prove we still had passion in our marriage and kissed me spontaneously with a long kiss. I opened my eyes and saw him making a face as though he had just drunk vinegar. That's when I knew it was staged. I want to touch on something that is NOT discussed her much. How aspies are really clueless about disciplining children. They over indulge and don't inform their mates of what the child has done and refuse to punish. Each time I would try to ground my children, my husband would take it away 10 min. later. They are sneaky also. My daughter went to an Army base to supposedly 'visit' her fiancé. She married him and came home for a month until she could join him. I did not know she had actually eloped but my husband did! When I asked him when he was going to inform me, his answer was " In several months when they got settled in another State! The sneakiness continued when his Mom died and he flew across country to be there. He inherited a lot of money and we had some debt. He said he got nothing and ended up feeling guilty and told me a year later. My daughter who eloped has not spoken to me in 8 years, but calls her Dad twice weekly. My other daughter is okay and very close to me. I worked as a dog groomer for years and would come home exhausted daily. Not once did he offer me a glass of anything or ask how my day was. Only criticism. I was diagnosed with a rare cancer several years ago and I could swear I saw him smile when the doctor diagnosed me. That was most hurtful. I am not in a position to leave right now financially. We have gone on numerous vacations and he always finds a reason to argue with me, leave the hotel and take the tram or train around for the day. He also has a slight drinking problem. We went to Austria for a monthe 3 years ago and he fought in every town so he could take off by himself. So from now on I take vacations alone. I wish all of you luck deaing with an aspie as they not only distance themselves - but they brainwash your children against you. The act they put on as Prince Charming when you are dating them is amazing. They can't continue the act and always have to be right. They interrupt after several words also. They are always so full of anger. Again, thank you for this site. |
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Alex 6:04 PM Thu 11th Jun, 2020 |
I have needed this for a while now. Not a place to seek understanding and solutions necessarily, but a place to share my exacerbations and frustrations. My boyfriend has always known he has Asperger's and has adapted brilliantly in many ways. So well, that I sometimes forget his brain operates very differently, and always will. I read books, do research, continue to attempt understanding, compassion and compromise regarding his being, yet it is very rarely reciprocated. Lockdown has been beyond difficult. At 30 years of age, my boyfriend spent the last 12 weeks 90% of the time playing games. Any attempt to motivate him in different - often necessary - directions, has been met with resistance, aggression and horrendous arguments. I don't know if I can always be the one to adapt to him, when I know he is capable yet so reluctant to adapt to me. We all have our issues, nuances and baggage. But he has yet to accept or attempt to understand his his diagnosis and learn new, more productive ways to coexist with others (not just me), and with reality. Though I love him, it is exhausting contending with someone so unwilling to open up, compromise, confront, understand, and empathize.. |
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Jennifer 7:42 AM Thu 11th Jun, 2020 |
In a time of social distancing I read stories about people quarantined at home...alone, and think, why can't that be me. For all intents and purposes I am alone, but I am with my husband, an aspie. Today I attempted to relay the importance of shared activities and bonding. More clearly, that when NTs share and activity they often discuss it afterwords as a form of bonding. As usual I was met with hostility for pointing out a shortcoming. I long for the days of conversation and bonding with a partner. I long for the days of discussion unmet with confrontation and rage. I long, I wait. |
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Michelle 10:10 PM Wed 10th Jun, 2020 |
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories.... I come here when I feel like I’m loosing my mind. Someone mentioned the dog cuddling . I have that situation too. My boyfriend has an emotional support dog. What this dog really is is is wife. He snuggles her, pets her, had all kinds of nick names for her. She sleeps with us, goes everywhere with us.... I said, “ I can be your emotional support person”... she’s easy and asks nothing of me and doesn’t critique me. I am extremely respectful of his needs... I’ve been going to a Thearpist for 2 years who specializes in Asperger Syndrome. It’s a miracle I met her... back to the dog.... He just moved in a few months ago so I didn’t realize how much to dog would take over. I don’t like sleeping with a dog between us. It’s sounds crazy but I’m jealous of a damn dog. It’s like he’s having an emotional affair with her. He isn’t sexual but if I am lucky he might go for sex but only if we don’t disturb the dog... is he afraid she’s going to find out about me and break up with him? She’s a big dog.... I’ve been ripped into much of her care... that happened slowly because I was trying to impress him and show I “loved” her too... The latest is bringing her everywhere . I hate it with a passion. No escaping the dog. When we go out he gets busy doing something and hands me the leash and I’m stuck with a giant dog that has separation anxiety and goes insane until they are reunited. When I write this I see the complete disregard he has for me. He is so selfish. I’m so intertwined now... breaking up and moving on at 53. Yuck. A positive about him.... I don’t think he’s interested in other women... that’s what keeps me engaged... if you saw me you’d never think I would be second to a dog. I’m pretty, successful, fun and I’m told a catch... oh and dumb too... life is speeding by. |
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Roisin 2:42 AM Wed 10th Jun, 2020 |
I also come to this site often - whenever I am experiencing painful flashbacks caused by my six year relationship with an Asperger's man. Recently, a participant here brought up the fact that her partner wasn't able to say her name. I experienced the same thing over the course of my relationship- he would often clear his throat, or cough, if he wanted to get my attention, but very, very rarely called me by name- why is that? We lived together for three years of our six together, and it was so odd. Anyone able to offer clarification? We were once at the beach, and I was ordering some smoothies, and he was several feet behind me and needed to say something and actually spoke my name in a rather loud voice, and I jumped out of my skin hearing that! I would question him about this, and he denied that he had trouble saying my name, gaslighting me! He would also watch me struggling with things, such as carrying a heavy bicycle downstairs, and would stare as I struggled, but had he witnessed the same situation with a neighbor, he would have been the very first to sweetly offer assistance -- so weird! |
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Bridgette 4:35 AM Sun 7th Jun, 2020 |
Thank you all for your testimonials. I will not go into the very long list of issues I've experienced and continue to experience with my suspected aspie at this time but plan to in the future. Just want to thank each and everyone of you for the strange bittersweet comfort reading problems that I've either experienced or can relate to. Thanks again for taking time out to express yourselves and your lives, it is a help in times of trouble. Take care. God Bless you all. |
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Cassandra 6:21 PM Sat 6th Jun, 2020 |
Hi everybody, its been so nice to read all your stories. Its so nice to know I'm not crazy and that I am not alone. The strangest thing is that in the beginning when we were dating i saw signs that i thought was peculiar. I noticed a little stutter when he was explaining something he had a lot of knowledge in. A little jaw clenching tic. A lot of pausing, like trying to assess the situation etc. And i thought it was a sign of low confidence and or just a little weird nerdy behavior. And i am to emotional a person who tries hard to not make anyone uncomfortable, and i have come to realize after some time that i am also really scared of being rejected and not being good enough ( low selv esteem). Which goes well with an asperger partner.. He didn't answer my questions when i confronted him with his behavior, he would ghost me, and i coundnt make sense of it in my mind. He was so nice and kind when we were together but would also make huge decisions without conferring with me (like moving abroad). I think i might be overly attached and obsessive because i always kept coming back, he ghosted me when he didn't wanted to answer my questions, he would either manipulate me or just talk me around when explaining his side of things. I became very depressed. And it was so difficult to understand why or how i felt, because there was no one thing he did. He was kind on the phone asked questions and listened, but i never felt like we were a team. He didn't share important things or just things thru out the day that he just really wanted me to see or know about. Texts always seemed to follow a pattern, phone calls too. Lack of spontinaety. I remember saying that out of all my previous boyfriends i felt nobody had cared so little about me as he did. i think it is really strange he didn't tell me about who he is, or maybe he did, i just didn't know how to link the pieces. He did say he didn't act on emotions but would use logic. His aversion of certain foods and smells or tastes. I believe my boyfriend is not of the worst ones out there, he would do most everything i asked him to. If i told him i was upset he would listen. I guess if i told him to compliment me he would probably do it. Its just that I'm not that confident, and or need an emotional being to sense and see and understand, or would need to know that `this person does not understand these things for themselves so you have to ask for everything`. I dont know the whole experience has been totally mindfuck. I'm not sure i would say i have cassandra syndrome, but i score very high on not feeling loved, cared for, understood, connected, seen and heard. It has lifted a ton of weight of my shoulders to understand its not me being unworthy, or not good enough. i really tried, maybe even too much. I wish they could embrace their `diagnosis`and either up their game in masking or stop the mimicking and learned behavior. Its very confusing. with openness it is easier for both to know how to meet on which grounds. Therapy is also a must. |
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Lee 11:15 AM Fri 5th Jun, 2020 |
Seven years with a sweet man who is completely checked out; three of them married (my second marriage, his third). He is not the adventuresome, easy-going man I dated. The real person emerged when he moved in, shortly before marriage. His traits: --High anxiety --Complete aversion to heat (kills any outdoor activity from May-September) --Complete aversion/avoidance of humidity...heat and humidity together is abhorrent to him (no tropical vacations) --Highly structured routine is essential; travel is a nightmare --Chronic insomniac (perpetually low energy) --2nd shift (4:30 pm to 1:30 am and later) worker by choice...has tanked two previous marriages, because he is either at work or asleep (or trying to sleep). -----Very loathe to change his shift to accommodate marriage. --Clothes are baggy and scruffy; usually ungroomed. Clothes that actually fit are too suffocating. Zero concern about appearance. --Separate bedrooms for us, because he cannot sleep in same room as me. His startle reflex is more intense than a newborn's. --Doesn't like to be touched, so no cuddling. --Will eat same food for days on end. --Avoids conflict (or even normal marital discussions) at all costs; claims physical illness when I try to engage him in a calm a state of the union-type talk, says he's nauseous and has a headache and goes to bed, sometimes crying like a toddler. So unglued, he may call off work the next day. This effectively makes me walk on eggshells. --Flat personality, unless he is focused on his interests: horror movies, Buffy, Crime shows, aliens and heavy metal. Then he shows enthusiasm. I have zero interest in those things. --Fixates on projects at complete expense of time with me: spent every minute of free time (when not horizontal on couch) for a year building an electronic pinball machine. I admire the skill it took, but it occupied way too much time. Previous projects, same thing. --Accuses me of being self-centered, which could now, sadly, be true. I'm alone in this relationship, but sometimes think I'm overreacting and the one with the issue. Almost feels like I've been gas-lighted.. --If I step back and look at us from a distance, we are housemates who live completely separate lives with very little interaction. Thank God I do have a great one with my kids and friends. --He has to be programmed to participate in life outside his head. --Doesn't like to socialize or make the effort. He once told me he doesn't talk to new people at parties, because why make the effort if he won't see them again. --And on and on. And yet, like others, I am hesitant to leave. Although, based on his two, short-lived previous marriages, he would likely unemotionally wipe me out of his life. Past, done, no return.. He is a gentle, fragile man with a huge heart, but he lives in a world that is very nearly closed to anyone but himself. We are both in our 50s, so energy, adventure and a balanced relationship are all there for the taking. He has not been formally diagnosed as on the Spectrum, but is resistant to seeking help and very set in his ways. Thankfully, he is not mean. How did I MARRY this man?! He was a totally different animal in our courtship and I was too unfamiliar with autism to tune in to behavior that was off. |
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Gunta 2:38 AM Fri 5th Jun, 2020 |
I am so grateful that I found this site. It validates how I feel and what I have been going through. My brother has Asperger’s. But we didn’t know that until about 4 years ago. He knows it cannot be “fixed”. It’s hard for him to accept this so we don't mention it by name or talk about it at all. We just deal. I’ve always suspected though, since we were young, that something was wrong, but there were no answers back then. So I have had a lifetime of the dark side of him, and we’re both mature adults, so that’s a lot of pain and misunderstanding on both sides here to deal with and get over. I usually was his main target. What made it worse was when long before this diagnosis, I was worried for my mother. He couldn’t live on his own so he ended up moving back into the family home and was now under her care. She didn’t have a clue what to do back then. I didn’t either. I had to move back in because the rest of my family had turned a blind eye to what was happening in the house as my mother couldn’t handle him. She was also in denial about any mental disability. These testimonials just underline what I’ve learned over those years, about what living with an Asperger’s person is all about. My mother is gone now, its been over a year, and my brother lives with me because he can’t be on his own. So I keep researching everything and I’ve reached out and shared my life with friends who have turned out to be of a great source of help. I had no idea there were so many of us going through the same thing, with a daughter or a son or a sibling with Asperger’s. It’s been eye opening. But it certainly doesn’t make this any better because I also know that it’s not a real relationship he and I have. He feels, yes. He cares too, but, he can’t interact with me and I can’t try to interact with him. I have to keep trying to keep it to yes, no, ok. And we’re still in the trust establishing phase so I find myself walking around every day on eggshells, afraid of the next outburst. They’re getting fewer now but they’ll obviously always be a regular occurrence. I know that. But what keeps me sane is that I’ve been so lucky to have learnt so many things from my friends on how to manage the outbursts, about how to recognize what his triggers are, but most of all how to communicate with him. What keeps me sane too is keeping in mind what from my friends have drilled into me: that I have to ignore what he yells out at me. If I keep reminding myself not to take anything personally, it works. He calms down. As I see it, if we’re living together I have to see if I can improve my reality. When I saw the play a couple of years ago, “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night”, based on a book written by an autistic boy which a friend of mine who is a teacher recommended I see, it showed me what goes on in their brains all of the time. I cried for weeks after I saw that. I came to a different perspective on things. It changed me in so many ways. As I see it now, all he’s ever done is coped the best he could. I am here to take care of him and I will never abandon him. He relies on me. He’s got nowhere else to go. I’m his safety net in so many different ways. Yes, it’s a very lonely life with him but what I have to be thankful for is that I have a life of my own and good friends who make all of this easier to deal with. And they like him too. He can be a sociable, gentle and considerate person. I’m not tied to my brother out of guilt. I like having him around when things are good. And I know he’s ok if he’s with me. I’m with him because he’s my sibling. I’m ok with being with him. But I never thought my life would look like this. |
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Sarah 11:29 AM Thu 4th Jun, 2020 |
Well what can I say 11 years with my husband ha been tough but only worsened since we got married now he is settled with me he doesn’t seem to care no emotion lack of sex and lack of intimacy would rather cuddle our dog than me struggles with emotion but not with the dogs something i can’t get my head around. He came n tonight no cuddle for me just the dog... goes to bed and sleeps practically miles away from me ... I’m done and came to sleep In the other room I’m so upset hurt and angry and can’t deal with it any more it’s not me I want someone that shows me love not just says it because they feel they have to. My plan is In the next two years to move out and start my life again once I Have saved enough money we all need love no more am I trying |
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Nichole 10:02 AM Thu 4th Jun, 2020 |
Today I woke up and broke things off with the man I wanted to share my life with, share my memories with the man I thought I could marry one day. My life is shattered. I have realized that this man is not for me and it hurts my heart so bad. I loved him, I still do with all my heart but I can only take some much rejection and feeling like I have to wait my turn for attention. I have tried to hard to make it work, because I really wanted it to! I would give him his space when he was overstimulated, I wouldn't call or text or come over for days just so he could have his alone time. I would sit with him when I came over and get interested in his games and shows that he liked and I even got really close with his cats...It hurts because I feel that no matter what I tried and what I do I will never be good enough. My partner has aspergers...I am not saying this name is not amazing, has good intellect, charming, caring, and very good looking because he has ALL of that. He just could never understand why I needed attention, affection, connection...He never understood why He would go spend time with his neighbors or friends and when I asked to talk or come over he was wore out and needed time alone. He would not hold a conversation with me for days, or ask how I was or what is going on in life, ever. (We do not live togehter) I felt like he never really cared what I was doing in my life or if he even cared I was his girlfriend. We have got into arguments and he told me "I am build to be alone, I do not need anyone." or "You have to learn not to give a shit" It really hurt because I am over here completely heart broken and he is at home, in front of his TV just playing video games as if he is right to back to where he was before he even got with me...I really hope that I can move on and learn from this, It was a really rocky relationship and I love him with every inch of my being but sometimes that is not enough. I come to this site and read all your testimonials and it gives me comfort knowing that there are people out there that know what I am talking about and that I am not crazy, thank you! |
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Bonnie 9:16 PM Wed 3rd Jun, 2020 |
I married my best friend but I actually resent him as my partner !! There is no sexual disires / no intimacy. 13yrs later ,2kids, we just got married back in Jan. I feel I've made a huge mistake. There is no effort on his side what so ever and I feel we are two total different people. Usually one sided ,and when I try to explain my feelings it ends in a huge argument. I cant imagine a lifetime of not getting what I need both sexually and mentally from him. I thought we would fall in love all over again, struggle to keep our hands of each other , but instead its gone south more then prior to the wedding. I feel trapped and pissed off at him constantly and I'm sick of rejection. There is nowhere for either of us to go and when I try to talk about our issues he says to me well you know where the door is, I mean I have nowhere to go and he knows that!! This is four months after a wedding. I try so hard with him. I'm kidding myself . |
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Donna 10:29 PM Sat 30th May, 2020 |
Boy, I don't even know where to begin. I've been with my husband for 20 years. I attributed his quirkiness to just being him. In the beginning it wasn't as noticeable because I didn't understand what aspbergers was. I've spent the last 15 years being rejected, not getting emotion or love. He has cared about me so that's what has kept me going. He talks over me, interrupts and will think what he has to say is more important than anything you're saying. Has not participated with me and my family. Hides downstairs if they come over, non social. Corrects people, and is extremely intelligent. Remembers facts and details from 10 years ago but doesn't recall where he put something away 2 days ago. He gets off on nurturing and doing. So all of my friends think he is amazing, you are so lucky they say. He thrives on their attention. He has a need to do it to the point of annoyance if that makes sense. I was rejected for 10 years sexually and emotionally by him. When I asked many times over the years he never wanted to discuss, avoided confrontation at all costs. It took 15 years of prodding to finally discover that he didn't like how stressed I was from work, that he wasn't attracted to me because I was not "happy" and and brought it home. In my defense I had an extremely stressful sales job with high budgets to achieve and poor management. If I had known that my venting or frustration was such an issue I would have stopped or dealt with it. He cannot discuss problems, issues, intimacy, or anything relationship related. He was a good father to my daughter but a terrible partner. The only real friends he has are mine. He's socially awkward and not fun. Most people think he's arrogant and narcissistic which he is. I've felt mentally abused and neglected for 15 years. I blamed myself. The last 5 years have been so lonely. We essentially live as roommates, have separate bedrooms. He doesn't have hobbies except golf and has never wanted to travel, outdoor fun, boating, or do anything that I want to do. I could spend an entire message on travel nightmares that was like taking a toddler. I've given up things that used to be fun to me but am now starting to do them again either alone or with friends. We have evolved into 2 separate lives. I've had my own business, the past 6 years. The first 10 years together I was self sufficient, made six figures, raised a daughter from a previous marriage. Now I depend on him for health insurance and financial support, especially through this pandemic. I lack companionship, sex, intimacy, and I have never felt supported or safe. When I've tried to share emotions or discuss concerns he can't comprehend what I am going through. His answers have always been antiseptic or matter of fact. He's always had the need for female attention. I found out a few months ago that he's been sexting and meeting another woman for the past 4 years. He lies, he deflects. 10 years of rejection and no sex I didn't cheat. I could leave but I'd lose my business, home, financial security, we've been living as roommates for so many years not much would change. I've considered and we've discussed an open marriage and am working with a therapist to see if I can do that. It's actually a relief that he is chatting with other women because I have no interest in his facts and small talk about politics or news reports. He's not capable of understanding any emotion that I have, and acts like nothing is different. He doesn't get the betrayal and emptiness that he caused me. His infidelity is new to me, still trying how to deal with that along with deciding if I can live my life here in this house and continue sorting it all out. Any sort of leaving plan is not possible because of Covid-19. The hardest part is knowing that he has lied and will likely continue to do so. I am not in love with him but we have 20 years together and it might be possible to cohabit. I'm in my 50's he is turning 60. I'm outgoing, in decent shape and young at heart, he's turning into an old man with no energy and has let himself go. I used to feel trapped but now I realize I am making a choice just not sure if I can live with it yet. Time will tell. I can still do whatever I want and have someone to do dinner with when I want, and help around the house. I don't know if that sounds weird but it's my reality for now. |
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Kay 4:28 PM Fri 29th May, 2020 |
I have been trying to recover from the split with my ex with whom I have shared a very confusing relationship. I sometimes find myself placing him in neurotypical light and often wonder what is wrong with me that made me so undesirable for him as a partner but then I come back on this website and feel like I'm reading my own relationship and everyone is describing us! He has not disclosed aspergers status with me, but I highly suspect and I would not be surprised if he knows/has been diagnosed and decided not to tell me. He's not a mean man he honestly tries daily to be the best human he can be which is what I found so attractive. In the beginning, he was great. However, our brains work very differently and he began to settle into our relationship. It was like he followed a script when he spoke. Awkwardness was not an issue for him, not at all. At first I thought it was because he was bada$$ and didn't care what people thought. I think what it really was was that he did care, but was unaware about many aspects of his behaviour. He couldn't remember my birthday or what I said the day before but his memory in his field of interest is incredible. He'd avoid saying my name and seemed to avoid the things, purposely, that would mean the most to me. He was monogamous until he decided he wasn't. I felt like he was light years away some days when we sat next to each other. His "I love you"s felt flat when he said it and he couldn't look into my eyes during sex. At the end, I felt like nothing to him and when we broke up I imagined him going home and turning on a sports game that evening like nothing happened. It's a surprise he remembers who I am, I now feel at the level of possibly a classmate of his from 5th grade. I feel insignificant and like our relationship was nothing to him. I've been discarded before, but this experience has been on a different level completely. I often feel like the joke's on me and it wasn't really a relationship at all. I can take quirks and awkwardness, but behavior that I interpret as an indication that I mean nothing to the man I adore is too much for my heart to handle. Perhaps if we had a program to follow on communication we could have made it work, if he wanted to, but I will never know what he really wanted because either it is meaningless to him or it's all a big secret. My heart goes out to all of you on here, I am heeding the advice of many of you and continue to move on, which I've been doing, but I'm hoping to one day be able to let it go completely. What I really wished is that he was someone he is not, and I am trying to accept the fact that I am not the type of woman who can build a successful relationship with this type of man. He isn't horrible, he does human things and sometimes he makes mistakes. He is unique, can be funny in a dry way and is a functional member of society with some interesting quirks. I still marvel at some parts of who he is, but I guess he wasn't created for me, and that breaks my heart. |
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Kathie 12:21 AM Fri 29th May, 2020 |
I was feeling so overwhelmed with sadness about my relationship with my Christian husband of 43 years. Just reading some of your testimonials has been reassuring. How has this happened in my marriage? My husband is capable of having empathy for others, but not for me. He tells me how I hurt his feelings but has no understanding about how he has hurt me. Things have been very challenging in our marriage for over 15 years when his emotional abuse towards me began. He just doesn’t understand nor does it seem he cares to understand. When I talk to him about how he has hurt me in our marriage he seems to not care and blame shifts . He finds ways to make me look like I’m wearing the black hat and he is wearing the white hat. He doesn’t care to understand all the damage that has happened in my emotional life, my self esteem , self confidence and my sensitive heart. He has not been officially diagnosed but our eldest son went on a marriage conference with his wife and called my husband and shared his thoughts in a very beautiful, powerful way first telling my my husband and his dad all the outstanding strengths and personal qualities he has and then transitioned into tellinG him that he thinks he has ASD. As he was talking with my husband and his dad he said that “ spouses in relationships with people with ASD experience PTSD!” My heart stopped! What our son said was so right on! How is it that I’ve been so misunderstood by my adult children, my husband and those who admire him as he is a different person with everyone but me. I’m glad I found this site ! As I read your testimony’s it is making so much sense about how I feel. I was just in tears this morning thinking about how alone I feel in my marriage which has heightened during this time of self sheltering where my life is lived out being with just him. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do in this site, but I’m going to try and post my feelings hoping that you can respond to my post and I can respond to your posts and validate what you are feeling as you’ve written your post. I’m sure that He led me to this site and this group. All of you are in my heart and prayers for all the pain you are experiencing. Thank you for listening! |
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DnH 7:22 AM Wed 27th May, 2020 |
Was in a relationship for nearly two years with an undiagnosed HFA after leaving a highly abusive narcissistic husband. Yes, I am a glutton for punishment! Didn't recognise the HFA signs initially. Thought he was quirky and he was so different to my ex in some ways, I was deluded. The HFA was extraordinarily musically talented, self taught and could play piano, guitar, drums. I thought the scruffy clothes were part of the musician persona. Wrong, he just wanted to wear his clothes to death because they were comfortable. Fixated on food, didn't remember or care about my birthdays, texted rarely, almost newer phoned. Then I noted the inflexible routines, the puerile sense of humour, the obsessions with porn, video games, his old band from High School, particular foods. He wouldn't eat my perfectly fine cooking. He didn't support me when I was going through reactions to the trauma from escaping from my ex. He frequently weaselled large sums of money out of me to buy musical instruments and reciprocated with bad sex always done in a particular way with no intimacy. All of his interactions with me were stagey in hindsight. He openly gawked at other women when we were out.(I know normal men look however this was blatant.) That blank stare! When I turned up he wouldn't act pleased to see me. He placed me in several risky situations. So glad to be out. I cut all contact, blocked him from my phone and avoid going where I might run across him. |
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Alice 4:45 AM Wed 27th May, 2020 |
I don’t know where to start. I feel like I’m going crazy, my partner with Aspergers is incessantly on top of me, telling me what I’ve done wrong, criticizing me, demanding things. I feel like I can’t stand another moment of this. I don’t have a single moment where I’m not being completely overloaded with criticism, information or something else. I’m exhausted from trying to please my partner to try to calm the situation and have a moment of peace. There’s very little to no consideration of my needs. I can’t leave for various reasons, and I feel so desperate and down. Everyone I’ve told said his behavior is abusive, and I completely agree. I hate him for what he’s done to me. I’m hyper anxious, sad and depressed and definitely wasn’t like this before I met him. This site makes me feel less alone and reminds me I’m not crazy or imagining things. I can’t describe the situation as clearly as others on this site do, but suffice to say I agree with them and I feel so terribly sad for all of us. What does it take to lead a happy life? I feel a combination of numbness and despair as I witness all of the normal couples out there, supporting one another and living mostly harmoniously, at least reasonably, at a minimum. It feels so far away and impossible that I can’t even imagine what their lives must feel like, secure in each other’s love. My partner is constantly taking away love and affection, doling it out in small doses to pacify me after his horrendous behavior. Praying for all of us, lots of love to each of you out there suffering. |
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Molly 6:05 AM Tue 26th May, 2020 |
This site has saved my life. When feeling especially depressed, I read it, and it encourages me to keep trying to get out of my marriage to a man with diagnosed Autism Spectrum Disorder, formerly referred to as Aspberger’s. He is high functioning and is very gifted in a couple areas. He has a career to be proud of. He is handsome and fit. On the outside, we are a good-looking couple and look like we have a nice life. In reality, I’m miserable. We have been married 20 years. I always knew he was different, but not until later was he diagnosed after he was fired from his job due to his miscommunications and lack of social skills. I have lived through a marriage of isolation, personal put downs, being dismissed and ignored, and treated with general disregard. My children are all close to me. They want me to leave. They say he’s emotionally abusive. I am working on getting a career established, and it’s hard when in your 40s and exhausted from this marriage and raising a family. I strongly advise anyone considering marriage to a partner ASD, don’t...just don’t. You will regret it. |
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TK 3:05 AM Mon 25th May, 2020 |
The hardest part of a relationship with an aspie is that they flip so quickly between being caring and then insanely cold and insulting. I still get sick inside that this person I loved could be hurtful in a way that will affect me for life. He would never go to counseling but made me feel like I had to. Once he decided he was done, he insulted everything about me until I felt like I wanted to die. I still have feelings for him but he never would compromise, just leave and then shut down. I would hear nothing from him unless I approached him. I still get sick inside when I think about it. I just felt so lied to and spent three years trying to reach someone totally unavailable. Everyone tells me I missed a bullet but I cannot believe how stupid I was and how I let someone into my life that I meant nothing to. He simply moved on without a word and is totally happy. I hate that I was so gullible. Not really a lesson I needed to learn and I will never be the same as I was. |
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Kitty 7:15 AM Fri 22nd May, 2020 |
I read somewhere in these testimonials that dating an aspie is like having a thousand paper cuts. Yet unlike paper cuts, the emotional wounds from my 6 month relationship with an aspie is going to take a lot longer to heal. In that short time, he practically destroyed my self-esteem, and the cognitive dissonance from the gaslighting, along with a complete lack of closure has broken me. When he told me on our first date that he was an aspie, I wasn’t actually concerned, because he is quirky, charming, intellectual, has an endearing stutter when he’s nervous, and is physically beautiful. In so many ways a dream guy. And yet I should have been asking questions, such as, why hasn’t this man in his 40s, who still lives at home with his 80-year-old parents, not managed to save any money when he works so hard 6 days a week? Or, why can’t he remember anything from one day to the next, and yet can remember every boring verse of an impressive range of 19th/20th century poems? Why does he talk over the top of me? Why does it sound like he’s repeating a script endlessly? Why does he leave things in weird place, forget where he has put them and then accuses other people of stealing them? And why will he only discuss subjects that interest him? In the bedroom it was even weirder. He couldn’t have eye contact, would always cover up his body because he was so self-conscious, would only do missionary like he was mechanically programmed, involving no caressing, kissing or intimacy. It was relentless; like the pink rabbit toy that advertises batteries. He never climaxed, ever. He would say the same thing over and over again ‘Is it good for you baby’ without any emotion or connection with me. He would try other positions and yet was obsessed with porn (he could climax to that) and once said that one woman ‘at home’ could never compete with the endless simulacra of images available online. He couldn’t understand why this statement was hurtful because he was proud of his porn obsession (it was one of his special interests). He also fantasised about having a much younger girlfriend. Despite all this he asked me to marry him and constantly told me he loved me. It was at this point I had to put an end to the cognitive dissonance. It was driving me crazy (he told me all his ex girlfriends were crazy. I could see why). By the end of our six month relationship he didn’t know my surname, the month of my birthday, the name of my ex boyfriend who I was with for 13 years, or whether my parents were still alive. It turned out that he also had another woman on the go—an older woman who was married. He didn’t love her either; in fact he was brutal about her. When I dumped him by text, he called me, not to attempt to salvage our relationship, but to discuss the syntax of my text: the verbosity and word structure. It completed the farce; which frankly felt like a black comedy. Since lockdown I haven’t heard from him. He probably doesn’t even know my name now. |
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Vivi 5:23 AM Thu 21st May, 2020 |
Oh dear, reading all your posts just made me feel way better now! This lockdown is driving me crazy because I have always suspected my husband is autistic (some family members believe it too) and you can imagine how lonely I am feeling now! We both work from home but after we finish, he remains seated playing video games and watching movies alone (yes, he watches movies alone) until 10 or 11 while I have to clean up or cook. I am desperate because I am not sure if he is in the spectrum or he is just being an a*hole. Needless to mention when I talk about how I feel, he tells me that I need professional help. I didn't notice this that much because I usually have a social life surrounded by friends and family but during this lockdown I have noticed that we do not really have anything in common and I've been all by myself when it comes to take care of the house, making couple decisions about money and tasks that need to be done. To make it worse, whenever his family calls to see how we are doing, they keep on recommending me how to treat him or talk to him like we are talking about a baby rather than the 30 old man he is! I am lost here, I don't know if I am in a relationship or I became his mom, I don't know anymore! I feel emotionally deprived, needless to mention when was the last time we had any intimacy or at least a conversation, Can't recall the last time we cuddled to watch a movie, kissed or had any physical interaction that makes me feel his love, when I tell him about this, I can't help but cry only to be told that I should see a therapist, that's the only outcome he can come up with (he actually refuses to seek professional help). I feel guilty because I feel I am demanding too much while I also see my happiness dying slowly. Hope the lockdown is over soon to leave, I can't live like this anymore. |
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Robynne 3:21 AM Wed 20th May, 2020 |
I came here so many times in the past when I've struggled with my relationship. My partner, who I've been with for 7 years, is undiagnosed but it's glaringly obvious he is on the spectrum. Both of his children are too, and every generation in his family has at least two people on it also. I've considered writing this time and time again, and goodness knows it would be so easy to bash a laundry list of pain and lonelines...but looking at our relationship I realised that as well as driving me insane he has also saved me. Do I feel acute loneliness? Yes, regularly. Rejection is something that clings to my very soul; any form of intimacy usually only comes about if I ask, there is no cuddles unless I'm visibly distressed to the point of breakdown, sex is one every few months if I'm lucky, and if I do ask for a hug usually one arm of his will dangle simply while the other makes a vague attempt at holding me. There are times where I get so angry at the unfairness of it all, especially when I know this isnt the man I fell in love with. He used to be so affectionate, crave me even. I've come to hate myself so deeply, constantly searching my brain why am i so undesirable. Then I remember, this is the man that saw I was broken when everybody else pretended not to notice. Who pushed to find the truth about my abusive childhood and trauma, and when the damn broke and I broke mentally he was the one who was the light at the end of what seemed like a never ending tunnel. He is the one who does things to make our house a home, who drives me to work and picks me up. The one who, even though he doesnt agree with a lot of my choices, will stand by me and push aside his own thoughts because he understands it is right for me. I love this man to my very core, and mostly it feels like we are incompatible in so many ways, but in truth what he brings to our relationship outweighs the negatives. He is loyal, he is considerate, he is caring, it simply is the fact that his brain is wired differently and he doesn't know how to convey that pure love the way us NT people |
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Sally 9:57 PM Tue 19th May, 2020 |
I have been with my partner for 4 years but we were together before that - on, then off, then on again. We are now living together in his house, in his home town - a place I said I didn't want to live, with a relationship that has echoes of the past. I thought things had changed. We got back together because I wanted a baby. Guess who has put in the effort? Me. We still have no child and my heart breaks every month. I see myself in the mirror and wonder why, knowingly, and seemingly, blindly, I have made these decisions - moving country, giving up job, living in a place I don't want to, for love. For him. I see not much in return except now, living together, I am struck by the force of his routines, the tightness of it all, the lonliness I feel, the speaking to the back of his head, the silences, the arguments, the stress, the irresolvable hamster wheel of it all, again, and I feel my chest constricting - I felt this before, and my life dribbling away in a sea of lost hopes and dreams. But then I was in my late 30s. We'd been together on and off for 10 year by then. And it was me. I left. Moved country. Realised it couldn't work. Then I missed him, and here I am. 4 years later. No further forward. No child. No future with a man who can't. I can't believe I find myself here again and I chose to do this!! And for what?? |
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Dorota 8:24 AM Tue 19th May, 2020 |
Very grateful for finding this site, as I managed to make sense of the worst dating experience I've ever had. I met someone in isolation, and it turned out to be the most volatile and soul destroying experience. Good looking man, separated and a father of 2. Early on I realised he's wired differently (obsessive tidiness, aversion to certain smells like coffee and all aftershave) and we talked about what could be his emotional unavailability. It was very intense, talking for hours every day and he started love bombing me saying how much he loves me, sending many messages, recording loving voice notes. Hindsight is a wonderful thin, but at the time I was sure he was at least infatuated and very taken. He reassured me I had nothing to worry about, and want to grow. He made it very believable by telling me a lot about his life and sending videos of his kids, making plans, trying to get to know me. I got very emotionally involved and was very clear about how I feel about him- it was him who seemed to worry I won't like him! When we met he was kissing and touching me, he said he loved being with me. Few hours later he said he didn't know what he was getting himself into and it felt like being punched in the face. He simply said he only recorded and wrote those amazingly loving messages because it felt good at a time. He said it's ok, as women also told him things that weren't true. He used to joke I look cute. when im upset, and now I know he simply enjoyed being in control, not sure he enjoyed hurting me, I think he simply never cared, ZERO empathy. It is beyond my understanding why anyone would use another person for entertainment and validation. I have experience with covert narc who in comparison was rather mellow, this was different.... My mental health suffered, insomnia kicked in. His mask fell off so quickly and I know I should only be glad he dropped me so quickly, as logistics were not convenient for him and clearly reality didn't match the fantasy, he didn't like me that much physically to continue pretending. It's clear to me he picked up some ott behaviours faking emotions from TV. He even made himself look like a victim, telling me he found his wife exchanging messages with other men- well, I guess she felt very emotionally neglected! remembering his late nigh recoding with whispering voice telling me all those incredible things, it's sick. I never thought anyone is capable of such perfidious behaviour- he never even thought of me as a person, and I never imagined anyone can manipulate me so much. I'm wishing everyone here the best of luck in moving on, or if you are trying to improve your relationship, I hope you will succeed. Thank you all for sharing. |
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cdt 9:15 PM Sat 16th May, 2020 |
Gosh, I wish I'd known about this site and the testimonials above before getting involved with my wife. It has felt like being on the receiving end of long term narcissism for nearly two decades. You will eventually feel suicidal because they will 'drip feed' just enough affection, or mimic it, to keep you hooked so you'll stay through the misery they are clever enough to inflict on you while acting a victim to everyone else. I know plenty of autistic people who are nice, or mean well, but they'll misinterpret what you said, tell people they 'have to walk on eggshells constantly' when nothing is wrong and etch out the context of your loving messages to them so they look horrific. Once you're isolated, they'll lash out at you verbally and physically, humiliate you. The affection will be withheld as a weapon, you'll want to die just to make it stop. If you suspect a person you are dating is autistic, they might turn out lovely, or your life will turn out to be a living hell that by the time you do something about, you will have wasted your best years. Equally plenty of people who are not autistic can be horrible, but if suspect you are about to enter a relationship with someone who is, think long and hard. |
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Dana 2:22 AM Fri 15th May, 2020 |
We are now at a stage, after 27 years, where if I lose my temper or snap at him in any way there will be days , sometimes weeks, of silence punctuated only by the times he tells me the massive list of things that are wrong with me - I don't make him a priority ( possibly true sometimes - I have a job, 2 teenage children, A disabled brother and an elderly mother and grandmother that all need me too ), I don't care about him, he works like a slave for me an gets nothing ( apart from a fancy car, A motorbike, A couple of drones, gaming system..), today he's added a few jibes about my personal hygiene and appearance in for good measure. If I attempt to express any concerns about his behaviour he says I'm just looking for revenge or making stuff up, it's all in my head. We literally only have 2 states in this marriage- I am either the love of his life and he'd be lost without me; or I'm a lazy thoughtless, messy bastard who he doesn't see how he can have a future with. Walking on eggshell all the time has left me exhausted and empty. He is right when he says I have given up on myself. Even if I change all the things he listed today, the next time he will just find new faults. Right now , I feel nothing. If it wasn't for our children I would just walk out the door and vanish. For those of you who don't know the song, please listen to 'Perfect ' by Alanis Morrisette. It's about a difficult parent/ child relationship but so much of it will sound chillingly familiar to wives of Aspergers |
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Ben 9:04 PM Thu 14th May, 2020 |
Aspie here: In regards to Dave, I think it's all about fitting in. Turn on any hallmark film or tv show, and you start to think that the single life is loneliness ane nothing more. I get attached quickly, but can let go of a person without much empathy if I grow bored. I've learned that my incompatibility is not indicative of a low self worth, but rather the inability to be something that I am not. I am not meant to be a father, not because fathers are superior beings, but because I lack the qualities needed to fill the role. None of my friends understand how I can be happy without love, and I'm starting to believe that I can't be, though I know it's an illusion. Regardless, I can't recommend that the NTs reading this should pursue aspies. It's not that we don't care, it's that we care in different ways (ways that do not meet acceptable standards). If you do try to make it work, just know that the communication barrier is inevitable. Do not be ashamed to say what you feel, I am not offended in the slightest. - Ben |
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Jill 7:34 AM Sun 10th May, 2020 |
26 years of utter madness, heartbreak and confusion. Just starting to find who the hell I am after who I was was broken by the man who blankly looked on, blaming me or being clueless. Get out as soon as you can while you have yourself intact. I thought he was a Covert Narc but finding this site and others this evening I believe he is AS undiagnosed. I had my suspicions but searching around nothing spoke of my experience which are replicated many times over. My daughter has several symptoms and I am utterly heartbroken. Having experienced this living hell for most of my adult years others need to be educated on the torment and way we become hostages. |
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Paula 12:59 AM Sun 10th May, 2020 |
Hi everyone thank you for submitting your testimonials . It helps to know we are not alone. I am writing today because I am wondering if anyone else struggles with the rage of the unfairness of it all. Yesterday I brought the dog to the vet ,an appointment I made because my separated husband wouldn't call. The dog is his primary source of emotional connection and lives with him. When I arrived to the house to pick up the dog there was a full page of observations and concerns for me to give to the vet. My eyes filled up reading this because I remember finding out my middle daughter had cut herself one time and when I told him he said nothing and never asked again. There is only one friend who gets it. My extended family sees a nice guy who helps out. I struggle with where to draw the line, compassion for him and compassion for myself. The path forward is not as clear as if there was an addiction or moral lapse that he refused to address. I have one possibly two young adult children displaying some AS tendencies and I worry about how they would perceive my rejection of him. So yes I have rage at the unfairness of it all. I was such a romantic when I met him and now my predominant feeling is loneliness. |
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RoseR 9:39 AM Tue 5th May, 2020 |
What a relief to find this website. It's quite funny how I ended up here. Relatively recently I dated someone on the spectrum (not formally diagnosed, but I would bet every coin I have earned that he was. Everyone else knew it too). Very nice guy, but my God the amount of emotional turmoil that relationship caused me. I felt so invalidated, clingy, insane, and overall, emotionally-deprived. Days without texting or calling. Seeming distant and irritated. Awkward public moments. We were on completely different wavelengths, and I had the courage and self-awareness that this would not last long term, so I ended it. The pain was horrible; he was so different from any guy I had dated, so innocent and sweet, beautiful as anything, yet I couldn't get over the fact that none of my emotional or social needs were being met. I would cringe in public at things he would say, and then brush it off as 'aww it's cute he doesn't care what people think'. It's some serious cognitive dissonance for anyone who has experienced it! Anyways, months and now years later and I am still slightly traumatized by how crazy I was made to feel. Not by him directly, like I said he was a very sweet and gentle guy, but by his actions. It's crazy, since learning more about Asperger's, I have come to realize that it was likely the culprit behind a traumatizing life event I had early in life. One of my best friends (girl) in middle school completely dropped me as friend completely out of the blue. I could not tell you why, for the life of me. She would say very rude things to me, made me feel stupid, every thing I said she would point out that there were mistakes. I was left friendless at a time when everyone is trying to figure out who they are. It was horrible, and I never talked to her again after school ended. I now highly, highly suspect she is autistic. I spent years and years trying to figure out what I did wrong, tears, and pain, and I never knew. I tried not to take it too personally, because she ended up doing the same exact thing to other friends that she acquired after dropping me, but damn, it really hurt and still affects me today as a 20-something year old. But anyways, being in that relationship with the *severely* clueless guy almost seemed like the Universe's way of leading me to understand that middle-school trauma. I hope everyone on here is okay, and please know you are not alone. We got this! |
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Monica 12:06 AM Tue 28th Apr, 2020 |
I have been reading these posts in the hope that somewhere I will see the map that shows me how to find myself again. I want to leave or him leave but I fear for my children and how they will cope with the departure of someone who is physically here 100% of the time, works from home, does not leave unless for a necessity. I stress the word physically because emotionally he is absent for all of us unless he needs something, then we all know about it. Has anyone divorced someone with Aspergers and actually been able to progress it with their children's interests at heart? I ask this because at the moment i see a man who makes a decision without any plan on how he will implement it. He makes a decision and i have to follow it without question. Do I have to accept that this is going to be War of the Roses and that is it? I fear i don't have the strenght for this as he has sucked every bit of energy i have had in the 21 years of marriage. Has anyone words of wisdom in the Divorce alla Aspergers? Thanks Monica |
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TK 10:32 AM Mon 27th Apr, 2020 |
After three years of mental anguish and craziness, my aspie bf and I broke up. I don't even know why I kept blaming myself, probably because I no longer feel like the happy, attractive, fun person I was when I met him. Same story as the rest: he was sweet, kind, gentle, listened well, and seemed to accept me for who I was. My only concern was that he seemed to want perfection in every romantic moment, like a movie. I realized that this was because he was mimicking what he thought love and romance were. As time went on, I noticed he was more snarky and impatient with me about the stupidest things. I loved him but soon could see that when he thought I was looking at him he would look at me with that sweet smile, but if I caught him in the corner of my eye his face was expressionless. We fought over his lack of empathy and commitment and pretty soon he began attacking me verbally--he was very skilled at knowing how to make someone who loved him feel at fault, crazy, and depressed. He told me I needed help and I went to counseling for over a year. He finally admitted that he likely had AS, but I think he always knew. Every time there was a conflict he would just ghost me for a couple of months at a time. He would tell me he was getting closer to acting committed and then would vanish again. This relationship took a huge toll on me and I feel like I aged ten years. My confidence is null and I doubt I will ever trust a man again after all of his lies. I am glad I read the other testimonies and realized that I needed to leave. You all inspire me and I hope that some of you find a way to leave. Much gratitude. |
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Dorine 10:59 PM Sun 26th Apr, 2020 |
I have been married for almost 25 years. My husband (I hate to call him like that but anyway)we (our daughter and me)are convinced now he has Aspergers. I always knew there was something wrong with him but after searching the internet I came accross this site for some reason and I am now 100% sure. I recognize everything described here. I wanted to divorce years ago but I am chronically ill and have no income so I'm just stuck in this situation. My husband has always had a job, but that's all there is: his income. He was never there for our daughter either as his only interest was his job. He has no friends and no real connection with his extended family. I can't have a normal conversation with him like normal adults have and untill now I couldn't comprehend why. All the attempts I have made end in arguments and frustration for me. I have never received any gift, not for my birthday nor for Mother's Day or whatever special day because it 'doesn't matter' as it's all nonsense to him and only costs money. He is very miserly and I have to answer to him when I buy something. Our furniture is 20 years old, he doesn't care about a cozy home, everything is only about money and his job. he has been home for almost 2 months now because of that Corona and will retire in a few months. I don't know how to proceed. I am extremely unhappy, my only daughter has left home and I am stuck with him all day. He can't cook, he has no hobbies and he doesn't go anywhere because that's not possible with the Corona crisis so he's home all the time. In the past he has also had a few affairs that he hid for years. He lies in my face while looking into my eyes... I don't want to have sex with him since I found out of his affairs, which was 12 years ago. I feel trapped in a nightmare that never ends. Thank you for sharing your stories and reading mine and if you can leave because they never change. |
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Nicola 9:13 PM Sat 25th Apr, 2020 |
I have been with my undiagnosed partner for about 4 year and it's been the most challenging years of my life. I have nothing but hatred and resentment towards him due to the frustration building up over the years. I talk, he doesn't listen, or listen to one or two words and then fill the gaps or change the meaning of what I say so he can talk about whatever he is interested in. If something happens when I am in the same room as him, I won't notice straight away. I could cut my finger and scream in pain but he wouldn't acknowledge me until he is done with what he is doing (that often involves finishing reading a paragraph in a video game related article) His interests revolve around the same, childish hobbies... Videos games, fantasy books... He will try new things to show that he is more complex than this, but will stop after a few days... I told him everything that bothers me about him and how it affects me. His answer could be summed up by this reply "oh, well." I'm told I am the one with a problem. I should just stop being so negative, I should simply "get over it" There's no word to express how frustrating it is to talk to him and see that he just does not get it. No matter what I say, it does not have any credibility to him, he is just fine the way he is and shouldn't have to change for me. If I could leave I would have long ago, but my life circumstances have trapped me into this unfulfilling nightmare of a relationship. I hate him. |
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Stacy 1:01 AM Sat 25th Apr, 2020 |
Finding this site has been extremely helpful for me. I recently ended a relationship with a man who I am convinced has aspergers. I initially saw good qualities in him and was attracted so I pursued the relationship. I had noticed he followed a strict routine with everything and that if anything changed he became overwhelmed and irritable. He continuously ate the same foods. He worked every day because he enjoyed it but I also believe he preferred to be alone. He lacked close friends and with time I realized he had no empathy. He could not handle social situations and was on multiple medications. I realized that I was catering to all of his needs to keep the relationship moving, but that it was only one sided. He showed coldness and a lack of understanding of real human connection. He would say he would be happy if his parents died and always said the most hurtful things to me to the point that my eyes would tear and only then did he realize he crossed the line. It's all just sad, because in the end I got hurt, catching him in lies that he was talking to other women from dating sites yet didn't understand how wrong this was. I could go on and on about all the hurtful things he did. I confronted him that I believed he had aspergers and he said "maybe I do." It would have been nice if he was more honest about this and other underlying psychological disorders. Thank goodness I found this site to see I am not the only one who is traumatized from my experience. I am sad for all people who have dealt with this kind of pain. |
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Sheena 1:10 PM Fri 24th Apr, 2020 |
Been married to an Aspie for 49 years. Only found out about Aspergers 18 months ago. My mother was an Aspie (never hugged, kissed or had any empathy for us kids if we hurt ourselves) but she cared for our physical needs well. Then at 10 I was abused physically and psychologically for 12 months at school. Then when I was 16 met my husband and married 4 years later. Guess I was so expert at dodging and absorbing abuse that when I met my husband he was so nice to me like I’d never experienced before and so caring. Then every now and then he would turn into an abusive beast - physical, verbal and emotional abuse. I thought at the time this was how all relationships were. Outwardly to others a perfect helpful friend, and at home a horror. After being abused for 20 years Of marriage I finally broke and ended up in a psychiatric hospital with doctors not knowing what was wrong with me. I believed strongly that there was something wrong with ME. I spent the next 5 years on different antidepressants. Doctors never asked me if anything was amiss at home. I probably would have said no anyway. Then 18 months ago I saw a program on tv about aspergers. It was a humongous penny drop for me. Since then I have managed to get my husband to see a psychologist and a doctor and they have put HIM on antidepressants for his severe anxiety, and he has changed so much that I feel I have a new husband. He’s still an Aspie through and through but no more meltdowns. I feel that teenage girls and boys at school should be told to be aware of Aspie men (and women)and the red flags to be aware of. |
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Bill 2:04 AM Thu 23rd Apr, 2020 |
I married my wife about 5 years ago. She is self diagnosed with Asperger's. Reading the testimony on this site makes me know I am not alone. At first, she was awesome, I was the best thing ever, and she loved my 3 children as if they were her own. I was previously married but my first marriage succumbed to an office affair that my ex wife had. I offered reconciliation but she was in love and left the family. I was 2 years divorced when I met my Asperger's wife. She never mentioned Asperger's, but really seemed great. We got married too quickly and had a baby in about a year. There were signs that I should have seen. Things more and more became all about her, from friends (she has none, and didn't like that I had a few really good friends) to sex (always on her terms, about once a month, where I take care of her wants and I am lucky to get off). She now is hateful towards my kids, can't stand loud noises, smells (even cooking by me, even though she does none). Our own child together causes her to have meltdowns. I go to Church weekly and she gets very upset if I smell like incense (I'm Russian Orthodox) when I come home. If she has a tag on her shirt, or anything is out of sorts, she loses her mind. I married both times with all intent until death. My first wife left, and I won't break my vow before God and leave my second wife. She is so difficult. I never realized how great my first marriage was (until she left). I live in hell, I try to shield my kids and my only wish here is to warn others, if something feels off, if she says she has Asperger's, run, don't look back, and never feel bad about it. |
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David 12:31 AM Sun 19th Apr, 2020 |
I have contributed to this valuable website before, and I was moved by Jonathan's recent post. Like Jonathan, I am a man who dated a woman with Asperger syndrome (she was "professionally diagnosed" according to her), and I was immediately struck with how similar his experiences were to mine. It's almost as if we were dating the same woman. Make no mistake about it- the narcissistic behavior that one is subjected to by partners with Asperger syndrome is very real, very damaging, and will push you to the brink of seeking therapy yourself. Mental health professionals try to distinguish Aspergers' behavior from that of narcissistic personality disorder, but they don't understand (or seem to care) that to the victim, this distinction doesn't matter- it has the same effect. An aspie will love bomb just like someone with NPD, and they will discard you like an object (because everyone is an object to them), just like someone with NPD. Even worse, they are intelligent and fully know what they are doing- it's an act to get you hooked, merely a script, after which the mask drops. The effort that you put into a relationship with an aspie will not be returned- it will be sucked into an emotional black hole, and suddenly she will disappear, and leave you without closure. In my case, I tried very hard to reconnect with her, if only to understand what happened in her enigmatic mind, and to get closure for myself. I was met with the silent treatment, which significantly delayed my ability to heal. If I had to do it all over again, I would have followed my instincts (because there were red flags that I chose to ignore), and RUN in the other direction. Instead I invested emotionally in her, and got terribly hurt. I feel stupid for allowing myself to fall into that trap, but ironically, if she hadn't told me that she had Asperger's, I would have left much earlier! But because I did not fully understand what Aspergers was, I thought (incorrectly) that with enough love and understanding on my part, any obstacles posed by her Aspergers could be overcome. Wrong. Unless you are a glutton for punishment and are happy settling for a one-way "relationship" that has no reciprocity and no empathy, then avoid these people at all costs. I thank Jonathan for sharing his experience, because it validated mine and made me feel less alone. |
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Heinrich 3:20 PM Sat 18th Apr, 2020 |
Should you ever have the misfortune to date an Asperger: run. They are masking themselves to look like normal humans. Their angelic faces with a smile on are breathtaking. But they don’t smile because of their feelings - they smile because they know that this is what normal people like to see. The love bombing stage is insane. You will fall in love with them and think they are perfect. Everyone around them think they are perfect. But they are not. It is just a mask. They will play with your feelings. Hurt you in a way no one has hurt you before. The guy I dated, a soldier, was malicious. Telling me how perfect I am and how important I am to him. Just to flirt with other people on dates with me. Not respecting my time, always cancel dates a night before leaving me with few options for the weekend. And nothing is their fault - you are the one who has to feel terrible because they are sad over how they treated you. Running with a boner through a public spa is normal to them. Oh, and they can lie. They will just never lie to protect you or your feelings. They will only lie when there is something to gain from it. One day you are their special interest and the next day they will ignore you and the day after that you are their special interest again. And they do understand other people. They just don’t care about your feelings. They can and are very manipulative at times to get what they want. You need to understand other people to manipulate them. If you should ever date an Aspie. Run for your life. Doesn’t sound nice? True. But you are not their therapist or daddy. They are no good for you. They will turn your life into shreds. |
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Jonathan 12:56 AM Fri 17th Apr, 2020 |
I am a man and I would like to add my experience with dating a diagnosed Aspie woman and a suspected borderline. In the beginning, things were wonderful. She was almost too empathic, kind, and loving AND she was very attractive. She would often tell me that I was "perfect" in her eyes. Based on the literature that I've read, I can see now that this was manufactured "love bombing". There were so many undying devotions of love that I thought to myself "man, this must be it". I had no experience with this phenomenon prior to this relationship, and I wish I could have seen the red flags. I had been through a rough time in the two years prior, so I was especially susceptible to this. Side note, I had a terrific time on our first date, but my gut could sense something wasn't right from the beginning. For the men out there: your gut is your radar. LISTEN TO IT! If it says run, RUN! It is trying to save you from a lot of pain in the future. Continuing on, I had no idea that she was an aspie because she hadn't told me yet. As months passed by, she radically changed. She was distant, aloof, and angry. She had a hair-trigger temper that could go off at any time. Most of the positive emotionality and empathy vaporized from the relationship on her side. Eventually, she told me that she had high functioning autism. This helped me make sense of some of her distancing behaviors, but it was too little too late. She also had confided in me about some serious personal issues that I helped her with. I thought we had developed a real trust - I was wrong. Not long after, she broke up with me and ghosted me completely. I tried to reach out for closure but never got it. This was an absolute rollercoaster that I wish I never took part in. Please listen to me: do not date women with high functioning autism. Look for the signs. You will get hurt. It will cost you time, money, and your wellbeing. You'll likely need therapy, and you're going to miss out on healthy women who will be a better fit for you. You've been warned. |
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Emma 9:24 PM Thu 16th Apr, 2020 |
I have been with my Aspie (undiagnosed) Husband for 28yrs we have 3 adult children 2 have ASD diagnosis 1 of those will never be able to live independently. I have had to be the main earner as he cannot hold down a job the latest is 1 week in and I am not expecting it to last.... I don’t mind being the earner but he resents this and I am not aloud to mention how successful I have been in my career as somehow it’s taken as a slight against him. I live walking on eggshells never knowing which word, phrase or comment will set him into a rage, then silence then talking to me as if nothing has happened. I am not sure if he’s got worse or my tolerance to his behaviour has just exhausted itself. You all know the rest of the behaviour we have to put up with, trying to have a conversation with him is exhausting and just ends in more stress so I just now avoid getting into them at alll costs, mind you most of the time he’s not really worried if I am joining the conversation it’s more about him preaching to me his opinion on something. Mostly I feel lonely. Unappreciated, and uncared for. No one has ever asked me after a long day if I had a good day or if I am ok. I have told him I am unhappy but he doesn’t understand and seems absolutely flabbergasted that I am behaving this way ( standing up for wanting to be happy) I want to leave but due to my daughter I feel I cannot and I cannot see him agreeing to leave the home. I am trapped and sadly like so many other writers on here I don’t know what to do. Just now I am planning and hoping that one day I am brave enough to leave. I have been reading others post for months, thank you it makes me feel less alone and that someone out there is listening. |
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Paula 7:19 AM Sun 5th Apr, 2020 |
Four and a half years out of the house- my choice It was a choice born out of severe desperation. Living with him was soul crushing. I worked tirelessly to show our kids that we could be kind and civil to each other as well as enormously respectful. Continue to invite him over for supper frequently. He thinks everything is fine. What do I see? He lives in the house we built together, all the decorations and warm touches came from my efforts. My oldest daughter visits and calls him frequently . I rarely hear from her. My middle daughter tells me about the tv shows they watch together as she is currently home from college and told me that the house was her home not the apartment I live in. My youngest daughter expects very little from him and is okay with that. I tried to explain that Aspergers wasn't his fault it's just how he was made and that he's a good guy. What I failed to say was that I matter. I hear their care and concern for him and it's so hard to know what I know and not say anything. All the millions of ways he failed to connect emotionally with me or the kids and how I had to always make sure I addressed all their emotional needs." Why Women Who Leave Lose Twice " is nearly 100% my story. I am healing, moving forward slowly and relinquishing the desire to control my kids interpretation of what happened. I know what happened and that knowledge is becoming enough for me. That for me is testimony of how far I have come in validating the enormity of my loss. |
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Nicki 6:40 AM Tue 31st Mar, 2020 |
I have been in a relationship with an aspie man for almost 7 months. We have been friends and met at work for 3 years prior to us dating. When we first met I instantly knew that I had fell in love with him before I could even admit it. He is charming, handsome, intelligent. He is very different from the men I have dated before. With that being said he did bring it to my attention when we first started dating that he had Aspergers. I instantly started reading up on it. I really wanted to get to know the person he was. No internet research, and books that are read or people who talk to me would ever prepare me for the rollercoaster I put myself on! The first few months of the relationship was amazing! He would call, text and even facetime me sometimes. He would talk to me atleast once or more a day, text me that is! I would go to his house and we would spend time together. He special interest is video games. There were times I would be with him, sitting next to him on the couch and he would not even look up from his phone or he would continue playing his video games while we sat in silence. All this was dandy until 4 months in and the calls, video chats stopped. The texting consist of maybe a goodmorning and I would not hear from him again till he was ready to go to bed and he would tell me goodnight. He never asks me to come over, never invites to me out. If i do not initiate the conversation or coming over it would never happen. Since the coronovirus has been about it has got worse he barely says two words to me. I honestly can say that out of the almost 7 months we have been together i can count how many times I have been to his house or his to mine. He gets overly fustrated if I voice my opinion on anything when it comes to our arguements and always makes me feel like I am overracting. When we do argue he gives me the silent treatment and will not talk to me until I apologize even if it is not my fault. I honestly at my wits end. I try so hard to make this work, I love him but I fear that is not enough anymore. I have contemplated on leaving. I do not even feel like I am in a relationship and that is sad.. |
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Peter 5:45 AM Tue 31st Mar, 2020 |
I am so thankful for this website on Post Traumatic Interaction Syndrome; it is good not to feel alone and weird. I experienced exactly the same many of you did dating an Aspie for 4 months. It started with love bombing. Then his mask fell off peace by peace. Followed with a thousand paper cuts until you feel dead inside; and you ask yourself: why is he so evil to me but so nice to his "friends". You think that you are the problem and that your reality was wrong - gaslighting. He was impulsive a lot of times. He talked about himself constantly. Used an inappropriate language. Unable to feel/think about others. He just opened his three dating apps on a dating trip to the sauna with me, meanwhile, he said how important and special I was to him. Yikes. Totally unorganized - he constantly planned dates with me for the weekends and canceled it five minutes before the actual date; the one time I was five minutes too early (or as he corrected me: seven minutes) he said I was too early on the date to make him feel guilty because I somehow should have guessed he would not come; he was constantly making me feel guilty. He was 10 years older than me - but I was the adult one. I mean, I had a lot of great moments with him and thinking about him still hurts. I really loved him. But all the paper cuts hurt so much. I ended it. I am grateful we didn't get into a relationship - his three ex-boyfriends all ended up with depression he told me, joking (!) that hopefully, it wasn't because of him. I have no depression, thankfully. But yeah, it was still a hard time - never been mistreated by anyone the way he mistreated me. I'm dating a new guy and it is awesome - so for all of you who might have a broken heart now: life is going to get better! I survived my Post Traumatic (nearly) Relationship Syndrome. And so can you. Maybe I was just unlucky with running into him and other Aspies are the nicest persons on the planet. I can't tell. I only speak about my experience and they were terrifying. |
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Dave 1:21 AM Tue 31st Mar, 2020 |
I thought this was a very interesting article: Excerpt: No matter how much we explain or teach or train the Aspie mind, certain neurological circuits don’t work as they do in the NT brain. The brain has a number of circuits that are all connected like Christmas lights. If one part doesn’t work right, then the rest of the circuits malfunction, too. These brain circuits are so tightly integrated that multiple circuits depend upon multiple other circuits to carry out sophisticated human behaviors and to comprehend complex thoughts and feelings. Our brains are truly amazing. Link: https://psychcentral.com/lib/neuroscience-sheds-light-on-why-people-with-aspergers-syndrome-lack-empathy/ |
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Mary 11:14 PM Mon 30th Mar, 2020 |
I don't really know what to do. I can't say he's a bad guy but his behaviour is driving me insane. I know he's trying and it's so much better than a couple of months ago but I lack deeper connection. Sometimes it's so hard to talk to him because "he doesn't know what to respond" or he doesn't know what to say. I wonder if he has anything to say about something else than computers. If I want to know how his day went, I have to ask thousand of quetions. Of course he wouldn't ask about mine. I doubt he has any emotional nees in conversation. If I didn't ask about his day I wouldn't know anything about what he was doing lately. There's no such thing like I'm the first person he wants to tell good news to. I doubt there's a difference for him if he tells good/bad news to me or his mother or other people. He can't plan anything because he's so unorganised that he can't predict how much time he'll spend on something. Sometimes when we're about to hang out and I ask him if he's ready he suddenly tells me he has to do something that'll take him another hour or hours! When I ask why he didn't tell me earlier he says that he doesn't know why. Or that he forgot. Also, I can't plan anything because he has no sense of time. I can forget about texting. Sadly, I got used to the fact that it's pointless to text my boyfriend about something because I can't count on understanding and sometimes he doesn't even text me back. When we are apart we don't text, we don't talk. Sometimes for a couple of days. It feels like I'm not in a relationship. Birthday gifts? Or christmas? Getting a flower? I could dream of it. Or when I get one, it's like he wouldn't know me at all. Sometimes I wonder does he really know me? Does he listen to me? There were a couple of days when we were hanging out and he was on his phone all the time, reading articles. I asked him to pay attention to me and all I heard was "in just a minute" and few minutes later he was reading this article loud to me. Being alone would feel less alone than being with him. I think I already gave up on idea that this relationship can be fulfiling in a way that is with NT's people. I used to think about myself as clingy or needy but I guess I don't have this needs anymore. |
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Martine 1:16 AM Mon 30th Mar, 2020 |
Firstly, thank you so much for this website. It has been so cathartic. And the only one of its kind I found. And believe me, I’ve searched and searched for any sort of info after I discovered my husband of 22 years was Aspergers. The testimonials on this website gave me courage and confirmation I wasn’t mad! It was both a beautiful and traumatic experience being with him. I was truly in love. It was so profound. But I have painfully discovered, it didn’t mean or have the same value for him as for me. Autistics can’t feel or understand at that level. I know now it’s not physically possible for them. They love in ways that are too shallow and superficial for normal people, nts. I just read Dave’s last two posts and all you write was spot on. And yes, in my opinion and experience, the only option is to leave your aspie partner. Unless you can completely turn off any need for anything deeper or meaningful in a relationship - there is no happy endings with an aspie. One day you’re their favorite ‘thing’, flavor of the month and then all of a sudden you feel like they’ve totally lost interest. Cold, callous and scheming is what they will turn out to be in end. Do yourself a favor and leave before it’s too late for your sanity. |
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Janine 9:08 AM Sun 29th Mar, 2020 |
I've been married to my aspie guy for 10 years. I saw there were problems before we married - we were often arguing and his behavior really upset/exasperated me - he showed all the signs mentioned in this group. It didn't hit me until after we married, that he was an undiagnosed aspie. I appreciate his good points - he is occasionally surprising in his thoughtful deeds and he is very very handy, as well as a good cook. I have to remind myself that he is mostly into himself and I realize I married him because I honestly have a problem truly accepting to be shown emotions and love - my own issues/hangup. He is not abusive but occasionally yells at me and I have to remind him to stop doing that. His parents had a terrible marriage - his father was abusive to my hubby's mother and ended up with her retreating and him getting a girlfriend/moving out. He was also abusive to my husband - they didn't understand my husband's aspie personality. I myself am the product of parents who were emotionally abusive to me and overly strict (I am partially disabled) so what can I say - my husband and I were lucky to find each other (both of us were married before/had kids) and we do what we can. Some days are good and some are not as good. We need each other (he isn't good with reading/understanding stuff and he helps me out if I cannot hear/understand someone speaking) |
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Dave 10:22 PM Sat 28th Mar, 2020 |
I have come to some conclusions about why people with high functioning autism do the things they do. I want to say first that I think that they do have emotions. They can feel things deeply. The problem is that the feelings don’t last. The only ones that do last are the negative emotions like anxiety and anger. The love that they seem to feel is intermittent and often superficial. Also, I think that they have multiple personalities and you never know which one you are going to get. The one guy that I dated also seemed to enjoy hurting me emotionally. He seemed to be sadistic in a way. It was really sick. I know they can’t help these things so I think the best thing to do is just get away from them. Also, I have to say that it’s not that they don’t understand non-verbal ques, it’s that they don’t understand subtle ones. The best thing to do if you find yourself trying to communicate with them and the start acting up is to just walk away. Don’t to talk to them and make them understand. They will continue to argue so remove yourself from the situation |
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Dave 10:12 PM Sat 28th Mar, 2020 |
I just finished a three month long distance relationship with a guy that has high functioning autism. What a rollercoaster! He never told me about the AS but said that he has a younger brother that was severely autistic so I’m pretty sure he was also. From what I’ve read about narcissistic personality disorder, I can’t see what the difference is. If the person lacks empathy it really doesn’t matter. The love bombing stage of our relationship was incredible. He was so loving and kind. I truly fell in love with him. Little did I know that it was all an act. Little by little over 3 months the mask came off. I didn’t mean to, but I guess I finally ended it. I let him know his behavior was unacceptable by setting some boundaries. He interpreted this as an attack and gave me the silent treatment. I contacted him and was able to stay friends with him. I’m trying to figure out what these people want in life. Why do they try to have a romantic relationship with someone when they know they aren’t really into it? Do they think it’s something that they are supposed to do? Do they consider it a rule or ritual that they need to follow? I wish I could put my finger on it. |
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Ann o 12:28 AM Thu 19th Mar, 2020 |
Im 30 and moved in with my autistic bf last year. Boy was i wrong , im 100s of miles from my family. He didnt tell me he was autistic or epileptic and its been dumped on me. He has a fascination with another girl , our sex life is at zero because i work 12hour shifts then get home and hes slept all night and day n gets aggressive when i bring up him helping me. Recently its become violent, hes choked me out a few times. He was aggressive and nasty when i got pregnant. I lost our baby and while recovering physically he made sure he was sick ( he is always ill if someone else is ) so while in unimaginable pain im still doing dishes , walking to get our shopping ect. Today i am home and not feeling well( corona virus isolation) and hes just become aggressive because i wanted to sleep because im not feeling well. He has so many female friends who he treats so good , i dont understand why hes so false to them and so vile to me. We dont even have conversations anymore because he ignores me. I feel i only exist to pay his bills , drive him places and do my woman duty. Apart from that im worth nothing. I dunno how to handle this, im about to break |
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Peter 7:29 PM Wed 18th Mar, 2020 |
I dated a guy with high functional autism. It was one of the most pleasant and one of the most unpleasant things I have ever done. It was like he was wearing a mask that came off peace by peace, a mask he showed everyone else to be liked. He told me that I was special and important to him. He kissed me. The coitus was great, though it was like he used the same program again and again. But he mistreated me badly. Not physically, but it was pure emotional terror. He did have three boyfriends before. All suffered of depression afterwards. It was like a honey trap. It was like he didn’t care about me, he only cared about himself. And he had a overblown self-esteem. He was terribly unorganised. He did make a lot of plans and cancelled them beforehand. He did flirt with other men on our dates. Meanwhile he told me how important I was to him. He left without saying bye. When I asked him if we could say goodbye, he told me, I would only care about myself. When he cancelled a date he told me that I was only 5 minutes early to make him feel guilty. Everything was about him. No one understands me. I am neurotypical and I have to be the adult one. |
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Molly 1:10 AM Thu 5th Mar, 2020 |
I’m beyond grateful for this website and for all of you who have shared. I am moving out of my home today because I cannot stand the insanity of living with my AS husband another day. My son and I have found some temporary housing while we look for a more permanent home. On our second night after moving in together I first saw the rage. It was sadistic, hostile, scary and cruel. It was a person I had never seen before moving in together. Things were never the same for me after that, but I told myself we could work through it and we got legally married. On our honeymoon, rage came up while I was driving. I pulled over, saying I didn’t feel safe driving while he was so agitated. We stopped the car but he insisted we keep driving because he was obsessed with getting on a specific Ferry (even though there were many Ferries at later times and we had nowhere to be at any specific time). He became so enraged and told me the best solution was for me to put him in the trunk of the car or else he could leave me at a hotel in this random town we were in and that way he could get to the Ferry on time. Then he literally began trying to crawl into the trunk of our car. Last week we took a vacation to a tropical island with our kids (we have a blended family). He insisted that he wanted to pay for the whole trip, including food expenses. I discussed this with him multiple times, reminding him that he gets very upset and angry about paying for food while traveling. I offered to take on that expense. He reassured me that that no, it was his treat. Well, guess what? On the second morning, he asked me to pay for breakfast. I said I’m sorry I can’t, I left my wallet at the hotel. He told me that leaving my wallet at the hotel is proof that I “walk all over him and use him for money”. He also told me every other day on the trip that he wants to separate. And then every other day would take it back. When I asked why he wanted to marry me in the first place, he said, “it wasn’t for romantic reasons”. On the way home in the airport he said something rude and inappropriate to my son while I was in the bathroom. My son told me about it. I found my husband and asked why he was talking to my son that way. My husband told me that he was just doing something that I clearly wanted him to do because of a certain article I liked on Facebook that had nothing to do with my son or anything. He then started ranting about how awful my son is and when I tried to stand up for my son, he began laughing sarcastically. He then started coming towards me with aggressive face, words and body posture. I asked twice for him to back up and he would not. I then held my arms out, blocking him from coming closer and yelled, “Get the fuck out of my face!”. I have never before in my life had an altercation like that, let alone in a public place. Since then, he has told me “that unpleasantness in the airport was unfortunate, but you attacked me”. He was the one who brought up that he thought he has AS, and at the time, I thought that was hopeful. But now he is back to denying it and getting angry at me if I suggest it. He says everyone in his life tells him that he clearly doesn’t. I’m so relieved to hear that this is a common phenomenon. No matter what, it is most important that I believe myself and honor my experience as real. I have to let go of the need to get others to believe me and just focus my energy on getting back to my best self. I wish you all well and my heart is with you. |
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Tishku 11:55 PM Tue 3rd Mar, 2020 |
I am relieved to find this site. Over the past two years, I have been driven slowly insane trying to make sense of this relationship I am in. I dated my husband on and off for 3 years. We never lived together, he had always lived with one of his sisters, he said they need HIM. After we married, his sister said, "Now you can babysit him!" I was shocked. Little did I know what they meant. After marrying, I found I just filled the sister role like a third sister. While he does work and have a job, he accepts ZERO responsibility financially, physically or emotionally in our relationship. He won't open his mail, answer his phone, pay a bill, repair anything that is broken, wash his laundry, clean a toilet or mow the lawn. I literally have to wake him up for work, like getting a child on the schoolbus. The first year we were married, no Christmas gift, no birthday gift, no anniversary gift. I cared for his 13 year-old dog with cancer till the day she died. I had to tell him we needed to put her down because she was in severe pain. I had to make that decision, because he 'wanted her around.' Selfish. He snores, has sleep apnea and refuses to get help. We live in separate bedrooms and I am like a care-taker / mother. When I discuss thing with him, he goes to bed and his mind literally does a reset overnight. The next day is like Groundhog Day and everything starts over again...no changes. I am going insane! I long for a deep intimate relationship. I am on anti-depressant medication and see a therapist. He advice is to make an exit plan for my own mental and physical well beiing. I feel guilty, but I have to save myself. He needs to go back to his family, who have care for him for 46 years. I can't do this. |
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F 11:19 PM Sat 22nd Feb, 2020 |
I left my ex, and almost a decade later i found out why i couldnt make the relationship work, he is definetely an aspie. A very intelligent one, which makes him very good at masking and compensating. He also works pretty hard, and has no trouble keeping a wellpaid job. But he has no need for physical intimacy, even hugging doesnt seem to bring him any comfort or pleasure. He enjoys wearing hes t-shirts with the inside out, and is very happy with the left/right socks. He also has a pretty big head, and cannot fix smaller sowing jobs, as he cannot handle the needle. He takes friendly batter personally and hurts people when he trues to be funny. He is also paranoid, and has accused me of a few things i never did, and couldnt convince him i diddent. No logik. He can never admit to or apologize for anything, or accept another point of view if it isnt consistent with he’s own idea of reality. He literally almost drove me crazy. A lot ask ‘how do u leave’ or ‘how do u get the courage to leave’, and i dont think theres one answer to that. I think i felt i had to leave, before i went completely crazy, and also i had stopped loving him. I found him to selfish to be able to love, so i couldnt stay. Also i wanted to protect my child against hes crazyness. It has not been a walk on roses since then though, but i am SO greatfull to finaly understand why. I read this page every week, it makes a huge difference to know i’m not alone with my experiences. Best of luck to everyone! |
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Will 6:46 AM Mon 17th Feb, 2020 |
I am in a relationship with an undiagnosed AS woman. I recently have had enough of the emotional gap that lies between us and asked her to move out. This has been the hardest thing I have done as I still care deeply for her. I just simply can’t go on like this. In many ways she is a kind generous compassionate person but just as many of you have shared she is aloof and emotionally distant. She very rarely says anything sweet or uplifting, never says I love you, we fight all the time because she literally can’t see my perspective in anything, and yet, I know that she loves me with all her heart. So I am very conflicted about what is about to happen for her. I know this is breaking her heart and I don’t want to hurt her but I NEED to feel normal again. I feel as though I’ve lost a part of myself being with her. How have you reconciled leaving your partner with the heartbreak it brings? I don’t want to hurt her but I’m going crazy. Please share any insight that you may have gained from your experience. |
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LL 1:36 PM Thu 9th Jan, 2020 |
For so long this website has been my only resource. My husband is just like all of yours. We’ve been together for 13 years. There are days that I cannot even think straight anymore. Keeping him on track and happy in a disorganized world is an absolute nightmare. The damn thing about it is that the aspie behaviors have progressively gotten worse with age. He is now less motivated to even work hard for a living and literally expects me to manage everything financially. It’s exhausting. Completely oblivious to social norms in public and has no friends and certainly does not try to make any. So, any outing when we are not alone is a stretch for him. He also seems to relish my misery, so when I laugh or if I’m not working 12 hours a day he always wonders why. I tell myself that I’m not going to let him get me down, but it is like living with a hologram....a shell of a person without any connection at all to his emotions, priorities, goals in life, etc. Any sort of intimacy, apology after disagreement or emotional connection is long gone, and tbh I no longer try very hard. When we try to talk about retirement-it’s like I am speaking to myself. He is like a robot zombie on cruise control. Then I have moments where I feel guilt as I know his neurons are not normally organized. Nevertheless-I cannot get back the years I’ve given this man. We have a 10 YO son, and he is thankfully much more emotionally adept, but seems to have inherited the lack of common sense and possibly some adhd. I’ve not had another child, even though I wanted another half due to fear of the child having this affliction. If you are new to this limitation and with an Aspie-leave now, as it will destroy you. There is no escaping or repairing them. There is only a lifetime of heartache for you. Run fast and do not look back. Every day I dream of a way out of this relationship. A way to happiness. Until then it feels like a self made prison. |
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Darcy 7:09 PM Sat 4th Jan, 2020 |
I posted about a year ago. Ive been reading and researching. Its Pretty much the same theme for Nt. The overall arching theme, IMO, is lack of a deep connection, inability to emotionally connect, and the need for total control for the AspIe to manage their stress, hence need for having their way so much of the time. In the same why people cant live with cheating or beating bc of the destructive emotional effects, living without human connection is intolerable for most. We are suppose to closest to our immediate loved one. If not, who then? Loyalty causes us to be unconnected to anyone because how can we justify being emotionally closer and connected to a person outside of our marriage or relationship? Their inability to compromise, I believe comes from the absolute must, (for them) to maintain familiarity and routine. The world seems so stressful to them that they seem to use people and things just to arrange their world, to suit them. They cannot seem to see or feel your hurt, pain, sadness or internal world. They are unaware of your needs because they identify only with themselves. It always mystifies me he insist on a certain way for some thing, for his own comfort, and if I express my discomfort about the decision, it simply isn’t regarded as relevant. Bc his needs will always trump any of my own. Always. So, this will be your world, and this is why so many NT of Aspie partners are empty, sad, depressed, needing, wanting, dreaming. Bc you live without love. Tangible goods are not love, but to them, these soothing things, are offers of comfort. They have no idea, that an object or good cannot understand your deep and debilitating pain at being invisible. |
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Carolyn 10:54 PM Wed 1st Jan, 2020 |
I am so glad I found this website and others similar. 25 years spent with a man who is Mr. Wonderful to everyone else but behind closed doors, just as described by you all. I learnt to be assertive and stop the verbal abuse some years ago, then realised that there was nothing to fill the void where his unprovoked anger had been: no emotional connection, no ability on his part to be kind, attentive, complimentary, encouraging or affectionate towards me. I am ignored, dismissed, invalidated, unseen and unheard. It is like being married to a two-dimensional cardboard cut out of a man. He can DO anything practical, a Mr. Fix It, and for that I am truly grateful, but emotionally it is very lonely and soul destroying. Like many of you, I went to professionals for help, both on my own and with my husband, and not one of them picked up what was happening. I felt like the 'crazy woman' married to a 'lovely man'. It has been exhausting. Reading testimonials on this site has given me a huge sense of relief. With understanding of this situation, I no longer have expectations that this is fixable, and I have stopped making any more emotional effort in this marriage. I have always ensured that I have my own friends, work and activities. So while I can't leave for many reasons, I know for sure that one day I will be free from his heavy, negative energy (it's like living with a stone wall). Until then, I keep reminding myself that I am not crazy, and I am not alone. Thank you to all of you who have contributed to this website. |
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monica 6:59 PM Fri 20th Dec, 2019 |
I put my tale of woe on the page back in July... I am still paralysed with indecision. I think 20 years married to my AS Husband where all my efforts have been to keep him calm, in his routine and in a way controlled by his moods is going to be a hard habit to break. I have 2 children, a girl of 5 and a boy of 11, my Boy is diagnosed AS so I also am trying to keep things calm and i am exhausted with all of it. I have worked hard to make sure everything is how my Husband and Son like it. I try to foresee issues/changes that could upset them as it makes life so so much easier. However it is difficult to live life with this much pressure without it being detremental. I feel like the least important person in the world, like Cinderella or a Stepford Wife. I love my Husband but I am not in love with him and i feel like we now have a Business arrangement where he does his thing and I facilitate and deal with the practicalities of life. I would LOVE to have an emotional relationship with someone one day but how can that ever be? I can't leave - he won't/can't leave. I can't upset my Children and I love my home and know my kids feel safe in their home. I am legally and fincially bound to a house mate as whilst we are married we have no married life either physical or emotional. There are no laughs or date nights. When I look at the future it feels like a life sentence Grounddog day of the same routine, same programmes on TV, songs on repeat... How do you leave? How do you get the courage? xxx |
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Becki 8:53 PM Tue 17th Dec, 2019 |
Well...I finally found the definitive answer to my horrible marriage. I could have written almost all of these testimonials myself. The question now is, what to do? Do I stay in a relationship that will never be what I need it to be? Do I move on and try to make my own life? Do I give up on a lifelong dream that I have finally managed to realize, for the sake of self-preservation? All rhetorical questions, of course. I have a lot to learn and digest. Much has already been explained thanks to this site. I am married to a man with AS, who doesn't know (or think) anything is "wrong with him". He is, of course, undiagnosed, and will likely remain that way. You can't, after all, tell a person they need help, when they deny everything and get angry at everything (and then deny they're angry). The way I understand it, there isn't a whole lot of help for them anyway. Most changes in behavior will be masks, and not kept up for any length of time. My husband managed to be Mr. Perfectly Right For Me for a bit over 2 years before we married. All of that changed once the rings were on our fingers, and I found myself married to a man I didn't know. It amazes me that they can do that, and that we fall for it. But they can, and we do. Here we all are, right? What I am questioning right now is, is he actually getting worse as time goes on, or is it just that I am getting more and more exhausted from trying to live life married to him? I know for sure that I am exhausted every day, long before I should be. Lately, I'm exhausted when I get out of bed. My physical and emotional health are suffering. I know I need counseling, but also know finding a counselor with knowledge enough about what we NT's go through is close to impossible. Like many of you, I love my husband. I don't think I'm IN love with him any more though. Abuse, although not intentional on his part, has a way of knocking that out of us, doesn't it? I will say that it is a HUGE relief to know that the forced celibacy of the last 11 years isn't because he necessarily finds me unattractive, but that he finds himself uninterested for God only knows what reason(s). He says he doesn't know, and I finally believe that. Sort of.It's a relief, but it doesn't, at this point, do anything for my self-esteem. Therein lies the need for counseling. I have a lot of decisions to make. For right this moment, I will stay put because I have to. I am disabled and my income isn't enough to support myself. I have also managed to make a lifelong dream come to fruition, and I am living exactly where I have always wanted to live, and doing exactly what I have always wanted to do (besides the crappy marriage) and am not ready to even consider giving that up. I worked too long and too hard to get here. I appreciate knowing there is a place for people like me to come and vent. Right now, I am likely babbling. I know most of you will "get it" and understand why that is. To finally KNOW what the issue is, and then to understand that it will NEVER be any better, is a lot to take in. Thanks for letting me vent!! |
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MLT 12:57 AM Fri 13th Dec, 2019 |
I have been reading this site on/off the last 2.5 years as I needed to gain a deeper understanding of what I was coping with, with my own AS relationship. I was very much alone throughout this as we lived on an island far away from our respective homelands and I simply had no real knowledge of AS and had to figure things out the hard way. I needed to know that I was not going crazy, that my rage and frustrations, amongst so many other things were valid, that I wasn't the evil angry girlfriend who was controlling and demanding, because addressing it to him was impossible and all he did was deny, walk away, blame shift, backstab me to others, name call and create more problems over nothing. It was all so bizarre. This is something that is definitely not discussed enough, the partners who are left hurt, although it should be as for me, it was very much abusive in ways and a vicious cycle I kept going into over and over again. A vicious cycle I am still recovering from. The story is long and complex, just as all of these stories are, but I am now out of it for good and coming to terms with what really took place within our relationship. I often wondered whether he was a narcissist or a sociopath or a combo of many mental disorders. The irony and sad part of it all is that he could be the best, most loving person ever. I truly know that he loved me in the best way he knows how. Of course, that was never enough. So many important aspects were missing such as compromise, trust, respect and unselfish kindness. He did some wonderful, generous gestures and we had a deep intimacy to a degree, but it was always short lived and over time became less and less. This man cheated, lied, name called, gaslight, blame shifted, betrayed, backstabbed, made excuses, broke promises, and intentionally sabotaged me to others, to save face. Everything to some degree or another felt like a farce. I called him out on every single thing, I did not let him get away with his behaviour, however, I stayed, for too long, and for me, that has been the biggest lesson of all. IF you see the signs of a dis-functional partner early on, if it doesn't feel right or make sense and you cannot work it out with your partner because they are not willing or able to, if it is too good to be true, then it is. GET OUT and STAY OUT. As hard as it is, it will save you worlds of hurt and problems in the long run. I wish everyone well and hope you are taking care of the most important thing. YOURSELVES. Happy holidays. |
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Roisin 8:17 AM Sun 10th Nov, 2019 |
I would like to thank the facilitator of this site, as well as David and Deb for their incredibly insightful testimonials. When I reflect upon my relationship with an ASD man, I understand that significant questions arose within a few months after the commencement of the relationship. I was assured, over and over again, by the mutual acquaintance who had introduced us, that he was just shy and had not been in an intimate relationship in a very long time. There were baby steps, which provided hope, and then many steps backwards. Each attempt at reaching a mutual compromise about anything at all resulted in my giving up bits of myself, and him always eventually going back on his promises, and gaslighting me. "Believe someone the first time, when they tell you who they are." Truer words were never spoken. My ASD man told me, occasionally, that he recognized that "something was missing" in his DNA. Very true. Had I heeded the early warnings, and not fanned the infrequent flames of hope, I would not have suffered through six years of a complete emotional and financial roller coaster ride. Everyone deserves mutual respect, love and trust when in an intimate relationship. |
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Maureen 3:44 PM Sat 9th Nov, 2019 |
I totally agree with the facilitator. I think you get so used to trying to make things work and wondering why you feel the way you do. there is a lot of self blame until you realise it is not you but the person with AS who can't respond to normal emotions. I spent years wondering why I didn't feel the way I should. He seemed a kind and gentle man but now that he has gone I am learning more about AS and realise that we just didn't have a normal relationship. I am looking forward to the next stage in my life and hopefully meeting someone without AS. He is someone else's problem now. |
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facilitator 9:23 AM Sat 9th Nov, 2019 |
I hear those who say they are constantly rebuffed and hurt by their partner, yet they still love their ASD partner. They constantly make excuses for their partner's bad behaviour. How long will it take for them to realise the relationship is toxic for both them and their partner. It's impossible to love someone who messes with your head. Love is kind, happy and supportive. It is not soul destroying. |
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Marilyn Lipari 5:36 AM Sat 2nd Nov, 2019 |
I love the question Bea puts forward in her posting. For me, the question arises, why did I stay? The answer is in a story. When I had several surgeries, I would cry because my ASD husband would go missing. Work or some other self-interested diversion was his excuse for not being there. But, when he got sick, lost his job, or some such travesty, he'd become like a sick puppy dog who needed to be petted. In countless efforts to explain that my needs were just as important to me, he'd never ever understand and come through for me. Whenever I'd say, "I've had enough," he would pour on this little puppy dog save-me routine, then he'd suddenly show up for events etc. And I would save him every time. The answer to my problem is to let him be him, and find resources for myself. I am legally bound to a room mate who to me is like a seven year old. But I now refuse to be his mommy anymore. What really irks me is that his family knew about the autism; there are several of them in their family. I found out later that they were happy to get him off their backs. |
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Taffy 1:16 AM Fri 1st Nov, 2019 |
Hi Bea, I have not heard of ASD people getting "better" in relationships, as in turning into a partner who can anticipate your needs and really support and nurture a relationship like an NT person. Some of them choose to learn scripts and over time that may become a habit, but I decided I could not be with someone who was trying to jump through hoops for me (and would quickly drop it if he became stressed or simply forgot). It was also unnerving to watch my partner remind himself to ask me about my day, etc. When I love someone, I don't have to remind myself to ask after them, I am genuinely curious how they are getting along. I notice if their face changes, if they are sick, or crying. I can even usually guess why. I reminded myself of that when I asked myself if my relationship with my partner was enough. This is the gift of empathy and we cannot thrive without having that care and love reciprocated. I could never describe this to my partner in a way he understood and this is something so ingrained that it doesn't even need to be said between NT people. I think about friends and loved ones in my life who are NTs and how it's nice that the layer of emotional care, reciprocation, and ease is just there. It's the difference between having a rich and fluent conversation with a native speaker of your language and someone who is just learning. Unlike a diligent language student the aspie will never get past "See Spot run." I don't want that layer of struggle and distance there. Good luck to you and please take care of yourself. |
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Bea 5:11 AM Thu 31st Oct, 2019 |
Hello, thanks for posting all these testimonials, they’re incredibly validating. I was wondering if there’s anyone here that found any sign of things getting better over time, of ASD partners learning to make up for their shortcomings. If there’s any other way to deal with it other than leave. Every time I try to leave, when I’m at my absolute edge, my ASD partner seems to me like a lost child and compassion and empathy I feel for him keeps me coming back, over and over. It doesn’t help that I’m literally the only person that sees his ASD, which is also the reason he treats me the worst, I suppose. Because he doesn’t like to be reminded about his ‘faultiness’, especially when no one else seems to see it. |
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Sharon 7:55 PM Sat 26th Oct, 2019 |
It was just three paragraphs that pushed me to leave my partner of 5 years. These words were both destroying and liberating. After reading them I no longer hoped for a fulfilling relationship. I had to end it. In the article titled: “The Truth About Asperger’s”, I read the words: “How would you feel if you’re involved with someone who is mind blind: Invalidated, unsupported, unheard and unknown …. It feels that way because it IS that way.” I learned that. “We all have fundamental emotional needs, and that does not mean we’re needy (a common accusation of the empathy-challenged) — it means we’re human.” I stopped trying to cope. I stopped trying to adapt. I am human and I have fundamental emotional needs that are not being met in this relationship. He is not interested in my opinions or how I feel. He doesn’t seem to notice when I am sad. For many years he used to cut me off mid-sentence. He has learned to ask questions about my life but often they are closed ended. Most of our conversations consisted mainly of him talking and me listening. Social situations with him, always made me anxious. I was always ready to step in to save the conversation. Anticipating when he would cut someone off. I realized it was easier to avoid these situations altogether. I felt unheard, unseen and unknown. With him, I often felt alone. |
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facilitator 7:38 PM Sat 26th Oct, 2019 |
The "Aspergation" MaryAnne talks of is Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome/Cassandra Phenomenon. It is a normal emotional, stress reaction by neurotypicals, (not a mental illness), to living in these extremely unhealthy relationships. |
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MaryAnne 11:46 PM Fri 25th Oct, 2019 |
"It's life Jim but not as we know it" sums up for me the experience of 30 years married to an undiagnosed Aspie. What is shocking is that despite having been seen by a psychiatrist, psychologist and a number of counsellors, not one of them spotted it. Only those of us in this situation know the absolute loneliness of being the only one who notices that 'the Emperor has no clothes'. Only for this wonderful site and others like it where we can receive validation of our lived experience, we would indeed doubt our sanity. A heartfelt thanks to all who have shared their stories. Your words have given me solace in the knowledge that I am not alone. Knowing about Aspergers has enabled me to at least make sense of the craziness, especially as I realise my mother also was most likely on the spectrum. Along with one of my children. Surrounded on all sides. Well and truly 'aspergated'. |
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David 5:21 PM Wed 23rd Oct, 2019 |
In response to Kit and others, I would say that the cognitive dissonance that NTs have when dealing with a high functioning autistic person causes us to ignore the evidence. We cannot believe that the person who seems so charming is incapable of having a meaningful, reciprocal emotional connection with us. We fill in the blanks too willingly, making assumptions about their capacity to have a fulfilling relationship that are simply not justified. You have to experience it yourself in order to realize that such people exist- it is such a foreign concept to a normal mind that you must not blame yourself for falling into the trap, at least not the first time. But what I have learned from this will hopefully prevent me from falling into this trap again. Remember the words of Maya Angelou: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." No second chances, just move on before you get terribly hurt. This may defy the natural instincts of emotionally healthy minds to work on relationships and give others the benefit of the doubt, but it is important to heed the warning signs. |
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Kit 7:59 AM Sun 20th Oct, 2019 |
The very first magical evening I spent with my guy, he turned to me at one point near the end of the evening and said soberly, "I hurt people". I laughed it off and asked this charming guy whatever could he mean, but I have surely found out. I wonder if the NT brain is unable to understand/accept/believe the evidence of the empathy disfunction in the ASD partner. It is fascinating that this kind of evidence is unable to over-ride the heartbreak of the NT who can clearly see that there is nothing coming back yet still grieves and wants what the ASD partner has never given nor likely ever would give. Maybe this is the effect of the partial reinforcement program that the NT experiences with her ASD partner. I don’t know, but I kept telling myself that we would be able to work things out and that starting a relationship later in life takes more work. I could have saved myself all that had I listened to his warning that first night. I continue my process and am most grateful to all who share on this space and thank you for the comfort I have found here today. |
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Carol 9:16 PM Fri 18th Oct, 2019 |
Another thing: even if you do divorce them many times they don’t get it or what that means so they tend to stick around in a way that crosses boundaries. Even if you marry someone else they won’t get it. I remarried and my AS ex didn’t mind at all. And I wanted to be nice to her and it is a good thing when someone wants to stay friends, right? Maybe not when they are at your doorstep a Friday night uninvited, walks in, helps themselves in your refrigerator and then makes themselves comfortable in your couch when you had planned for a cozy evening with your new spouse just the two of you. And the new spouse is a nice person and a bit conflict avoidant and voilà! AS ex will now see both of you as a part of her/his routine.... They linger. For years and decades if you dont put your foot down. Took me 25 years to see this and that she didn’t see me as a friend. I was still ”the routine” and she still tried to control me with tantrums. I had to cut her off. |
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Deb 7:00 AM Wed 16th Oct, 2019 |
After 13 years, I can sum up what it feels like this way... I write you a poem that you don’t understand..... I play you a song that you don’t follow..... I tell you a story that you don’t remember..... I cook you a meal that you perfect….. I give you intimacy that you avoid….. I give you space that you take advantage of….. I offer opinions that are always wrong….. I give you acceptance that you take for granted….. I offer you support that you don’t recognize….. I give you love that is misinterpreted….. I give you too much and it’s not enough….. I give you me and all you really want is you…………. And still, I am to adjust………. I should not write you the poem that is in my heart….. I should not play you the song that expresses my emotions….. I should not tell you a story….. I should not cook you a meal….. I should not want intimacy….. I should not hope to share your space….. I should not tell you what I think….. I should not accept you for who you are….. I should not support your life….. I should not give you love….. I should not give anything….. You have you. |
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Carol 5:48 AM Tue 15th Oct, 2019 |
My five years with a later diagnosed asperger woman in the early 90’s still affects my self esteem and had a negative effect on my life for years. I was very young (21) when I met her. Everything seemed ”normal” and she impressed me by being so intellectually gifted. She kind of rushed things and Six Months later we moved in together. Everything changed overnight. It was like she took of a mask. The following years was like drowning in still waters. After I moved in she stopped being physical with me which killed my self esteem. She expected me to wait hand and foot for her. She didn’t cook. She didn’t clean the house. She was like a Big Child with a huge intellect. She never worked WITH me in this relationship. She was obsessed with tennis and the Day my brother helped me to finally move out She was absorbed by a tennis tournament on tv and hardly even noticed when we carried out my stuff and furniture to the van. She could be very nice to me but also say the most horrible horrible things that really really hurt me. It was a terrible first experience of living together with a partner and I am still kind of withdrawn because of it. If you find yourself in a relationship like that - get out! The sooner the better. Things won’t improve. |
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ML 2:50 PM Mon 14th Oct, 2019 |
The difference between myself and my ASD husband is that I am the only one asking, "Am I going insane?" After thirty years with my husband you'd think I would know not to expect a gift on my anniversary, an act of kindness when my father dies, an apology when he lies about losing thousands of dollars, or not showing up at the hospital as the doctors are cardioverting my heart. Moreover, you'd think that the family would be kind to me when I lose my temper over some strange incident. My husband, for all intents and purposes, seems like a really nice guy to the rest of the world. This is the problem with highly functioning Autism. Being married to ASD---the neurotypical is constantly being told we don't matter, we're the crazy ones etc. It is quite simple; the ASD does not know how to feel for anyone but himself. He can lie at a drop of a bucket and not feel guilt. He can put his dog down of 15 years and not feel anything. And he will never protect anyone except his own ego. Yet, I am supposed to feel sorry because he has this disorder. I do all the time. It is like I am married to a three year old child who has a PHD. |
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Linda C. Krausse 8:55 AM Sun 13th Oct, 2019 |
I can relate to all who have written their experiences here. I thought that I was only dealing with a Narcissist, and maybe so, but my partner of 5 years has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers, and it has been a living hell. I depend on his income, as I have Lupus and cannot work. My health has deteriorated since living with him, and I see no way out financially right now. The most irritating of his behavior is his incessant need to babble, interrupting me at every word I say. I have lost my temper, and still do because he seems so normal, except for some of the behaviors mentioned here, ie., no affection or intimate connection. I am responsible for everything of his and of mine, of course. I'm tired of being a mommy to a 70 year old man. I am only 63, and want out of this relationship. Fortunately, I was asked out by an acquaintance of mine, and look forward to talking to someone who is normal. I had lost hope of every joining the dating world again because of my newly lack of self-esteem. I gained 30 lbs. because of the steroids I must take for Lupus and Addison's,a double whammy. I've never been over weight in my life, in fact, when I was 21 I became anorexic. This weight gain is new to me and I never thought anyone would ask me out, because my face is kind of puffy looking. Apparently, I don't look that bad. Being that I used to model makes me a little more self conscious. I am so glad to have found this site! Thank you. |
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Erin 7:59 AM Sat 12th Oct, 2019 |
My partner of the last almost 10 years was very recently diagnosed (informally) with ASD. I have been pushing for this confirmation for awhile now and he admitted to me after getting diagnosed that he didn't actually think he would be, that the doctor would just say something about how all women think their husbands are autistic. Granted, reading through some of the testimonials here, I am probably one of the luckier partners because he is not a monster by any means. However...... the inflexibility, the self centeredness, the defensiveness, the lack of ANY common sense whatsoever, the inability to upkeep or manage anything in the house, the total lack of empathy.... I hear you all loud and clear on those points. It has driven me so close to the point of insanity and I have lost myself in this relationship no doubt. He masks his true self so well to outsiders, I would venture to say they don't know him at all. He insists on being weird though, and outlandish, and like a 13 year old boy with his sense of humor. He actually enjoys doing embarrassing things and being "irreverent." I cannot speak about anything philosophical or metaphorical at all. I've just gotten so used to it and again, I've really lost myself.... I vaguely remember who I used to be and I want myself back. I don't know how to get there though. |
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Amelia 5:03 AM Sat 12th Oct, 2019 |
I am so grateful for everyone who shares their experience on this site. It is always comforting knowing that you are not alone in this struggle. I have been married for 5 years to my undiagnosed ASD husband. One month into our marriage, he dropped the facade he had put on during our courtship. Day after day, it has been a slow decent into Hell. I had us attend marriage counseling but it didn't last long because he had a meltdown and stormed out of the counselors office. I'll never forget the look on the counselors face!! After much research and a seemingly never-ending roller coaster of chaos from my husband, I finally discovered that I am dealing with the insanity of a very high functioning autistic. Having that knowledge brought me most of my sanity back. I am better equipped to handle his behavior and detach emotionally now. It doesn't always work, but at least I don't feel like I am going completely insane. I have to protect what is left of "me" until I can find a way out. The hardest thing for me to deal with at this stage is sexual intimacy. I find it unbearable to engage with him sexually because we have zero emotional connection. During the first few years of our marriage I was initiating sex multiple times a week. I always put forth all the effort and thought that we would become closer and form a deep emotional bond. My attempts backfired. Although he seemed to enjoy the sex (because I was doing all the work) afterward he would need to retreat. He would act strange and more distant. My attempts at conversation would be met with his overly formal manner of speaking. I felt like even more of a stranger to him than his wife whom he was just intimate with. This wore me down and now I have no desire to be with him in that manner. He will now have periods of rage towards me because I do not want to have sex. He follows me around the house insulting me and ranting for hours some days. When he does this I try to leave because he is in a state of psychosis. When I return he usually acts as if nothing has happened. He seems to not understand that he can't verbally insult me and then expect sex later in the evening. I have beaten my head against the wall trying to explain to him that without emotional connection there can be no "real" sex. I'm tired of his robotic mannerisms, blank stares, scripted responses and forced phony laughter. |
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D. 12:42 AM Sat 12th Oct, 2019 |
I don't even know where to start. No one knows what to do, how to handle it. He seems totally normal, right? WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. Can I complain about how this angry robot has ruined my life, extinguished my spark ANYWHERE without getting shouted down for being SO DAMNED MEAN to people with this disability? NO! Everyone just expect me to take it and take it and take it with a smile. I can't. I cry every day before even getting out of the bed he abandoned sometime in the night. I cry in the shower, knowing full well I won't get a hug or possibly even an acknowledgement. YET I AM THE JERK FOR BEING UPSET ABOUT IT. I just want to give up. Walk in front of a bus. Make it end. |
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jb 12:12 AM Thu 10th Oct, 2019 |
I, like David and many others return to this sight for support and validation. Also, through the insanity and abuse of the past eight years from the aspie to whom I am married, I have looked at my behavior and how I ended up in such a mess. I too have always accepted people at face value, am often shocked and speechless when people are rude or unkind to me or others. In the past, I would make excuses for people such as they must be having a bad day, etc. or wonder what I did to upset them. Now my boundaries are so strong, I will tolerate very little. Sometimes, I feel cruel by pulling away, but I need to protect myself. You know the saying, 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them'. The scary part of all of this is aspies like narcissists are very good at camouflaging their true characters. Right now I feel so sad, frightened, and I am struggling to feel any hope. |
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facilitator 7:06 AM Sun 6th Oct, 2019 |
David talks about being caught up by someone with autism who is charming and beguiling and then their real persona appears shortly afterwards. People with autism are well able to camouflage their difficulties in public and will be charming in order to capture the heart of someone who is their special obsession. When that person is well and truly "caught" they revert to their real self. |
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David 7:10 PM Sat 5th Oct, 2019 |
I've posted to this helpful site before and keep checking it for support and validation. One thing that I've noticed about the comments is how much suffering many of us have endured by being with someone who has high functioning autism, and yet we decided at one point that they were terrific partners. Why does this happen in the first place? I met a woman who was so interesting on the surface, with such quirky and unconventional thoughts, that it was appealing, charming, and endearing. I was taken off guard- She idealized me, which felt good at first (if not a little uncomfortable), then devalued me, then suddenly discarded me. If she hadn't told me that she had been diagnosed with Asperger's, I would have thought in retrospect that she had full fledged narcissistic personality disorder. I am the kind of person who constantly tries to see the good in people and help them- often to my detriment- and wanted to understand her as much as possible and give her the benefit of the doubt, based upon the idea that Aspergers is a disability and that people with disabilities should be treated with compassion. Knowing that she had Aspergers ironically kept me interested in her for too long, thinking that if I only tried hard enough, I could "rescue" her from her condition and help her understand how life would be better for both of us together as opposed to apart. I was so wrong. I now realize that she didn't want to be "rescued" (and it's not my job to rescue her in the first place), and that she was perfectly content staying in her own, self-centered, black and white world, seeing others like me as the one with the problems. I've finally come to terms with the fact that there is no hope for a meaningful, reciprocal relationship with someone like this, but it took 2 years of my trying, and of her silent treatment, and of countless, ignored e-mails, texts, and letters, to figure that out. I feel embarrassed but at the same time feel good that I tried to salvage something that I thought was important, and in the process gained some insight into myself so that perhaps I can avoid this in the future. So for all of you who got trapped in a relationship with an aspie, just realize that perhaps there is something about us that makes us want to help others too much, we are too quick to give others the benefit of the doubt, and we therefore make ourselves vulnerable to people with predatory narcissistic tendencies (and I place Aspergers in that category) who take advantage of our giving personalities. Perhaps we need better boundaries to protect ourselves from being attracted to such people in the first place. Aspies can be very clever, conniving, and hurtful- whether they mean it or not becomes irrelevant to the person on the other end of their behavior. I have learned from this experience, but as a result I do have scars that I would prefer not to have at this point in my life. |
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Mary 6:22 AM Thu 3rd Oct, 2019 |
Hello everyone I am glad to find this site.Last month my 22 year old son is diagnosed with ASD. In 2017; While attending University, he is diagnosed with Depression.He has been given antidepressants by a psychiatrist at an emergency room of mental health facility. He attended CBT for a year. Still he struggled with his academic work. In 2018, he was seen by a psychiatrist specializing his age group and diagnosed within two months after performing written tests and collateral information from his psychologist and family members.A few years back, my son himself had a suspicion about this and did an online testing by himself. Even though I work in mental healthcare area, it was difficult for me to accept it. Definitely it was an eye opener for my own struggles with my husband. We were married for 26 years and now I understood the reasons for his cold behavior. Always he blamed me and I assumed something wrong with me. No one understood my struggles. After my son’s diagnosis, I researched on this topic extensively and learned about NT spouses. Some testimonies sounded exactly like mine. Thanks for sharing your experiences and felt like I am not alone in this. |
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Jackie 12:08 AM Tue 1st Oct, 2019 |
I have a lot to say but no time because I was reading about everyone who could have been writing my story. Very thankful to be here. Told my aspie husband I felt like dying (almost crying)when we were driving last week and he gives me a pat on the back and a quick “ahh”. End of story, no asking why or ANYTHING.Will write later! |
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Just Breathe 3:31 AM Sun 29th Sep, 2019 |
I just found yesterday that my husband of 3.5 years is high functioning autistic. It answers so my questions... since the day we married it has been a roller coaster ride of chaotic craziness... he has a high paying job and does really well at work, and as I’m writing these he turns to me and says, maybe I can draw disability and stay home all day with you! I told him if you quite your job you’ll be living alone! God help Me! Reading your testimonials is terrifying, and makes it hard to breathe! Pray for me as I navigate my future. Thank you for sharing |
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Jeannette Cook 1:25 AM Sat 28th Sep, 2019 |
My contribution must have been one that was lost. My saga has been going on for 40 years. Only in the last 10 have I been aware that it is not me. At 66 years old it is impossible for me to get out. Our finances are too entwined for now. I am learning to deal with it, and wish there were more information for those of us who can't leave. My health has really taken a nose dive from all the stress. If someone has the secret formula to dealing with this problem, I would like to hear it. For now, I am stuck. |
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Christine 9:53 AM Tue 24th Sep, 2019 |
Some of my thoughts after reading the most recent testimonials: 1) The "happily ever after" fairy tales we are raised with are dangerous to our well-being. We are set-up for unrealistic expectations for adult relationships. Especially harmful is Beauty and the Beast. Belle stays because she is a prisoner. Love reforms the beast in the fairy tale but love can't reform an Aspie. No level of self-sacrifice is ever enough. 2) If anyone ever refers to women as the "weaker sex," have them read these testimonials for a taste of the degradation that women married to Aspies endure. 3) I have concluded that Aspies need the robot "Stepford Wives" from the 1975 movie based on the Ira Levin novel. These robot wives will be the mothers and caretakers the Aspies need with no expectation of reciprocity that real women in real relationships require. |
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Roisin 8:00 AM Mon 23rd Sep, 2019 |
One thing that has always mystified me about my former AS partner is the way that he could completely “fake it,” turning on charm and sweetness to neighbors and to his gym acquaintances, on a daily basis, and saving the cold indifference for me, the person who loved and cared for him. It was baffling - why not reserve the kind facade for the person at home, and put up uncaring barriers with actual strangers? I asked him about this a few times, and of course received no response. Birthday cards and generous gifts to a couple of distant relatives, regularly, I suppose to maintain a positive image in their eyes? I used to thank him for “the crumbs from his table” that he would occasionally toss in my direction. Exhausting, humiliating. So glad to be away from this man! |
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Michele 1:36 AM Sun 22nd Sep, 2019 |
I come to this sight often to read about others and they're experiences because it's the only real support that I have. Unless you live in this type of relationship, you simply just can not understand it. I have been married for 32 years to an undiagnosed aspie. I have 3 grown children. One child and 1 grandchild are autistic as well. My life has always been a long, and lonely nightmare. Since there was no information years ago about autism I've spent my life blaming myself and trying to change myself. I believed that our marital problems were my fault because that's what my husband always told me. In the process of trying everything under the sun to make my husband "like" me, I had hopes that if I could find the right fix then he might finally treat me better. During this unsuccessful process I lost my entire being and today have no idea who or what I really am. I stayed in the marriage for my children believing that they needed both parents. In reality, which I didn't seen then, I really was the only parent that was there for them. By staying all I really did was expose my children to daily lessons of how to verbally, emotionally and physically abuse me, how to view me as a worthless piece of trash, to degrade me, call me horrible names, and to disrespect everything about me. My married life has been nothing more than me being totally alone. I've never had a partner,supporter, co parent, or friend in my husband, and have spent my adult life being his doormat and his mother. I've had to be responsible for all of the parenting, the bills, everything, all while he devoted his life to his job and to his need to check sport scores multiple times a day. He has no ability to communicate, he has zero comnon sense, zero friends, everything has to be done his way and his way only, he has no ability to be compassionate or caring, or to understand the difference between what's acceptable and what isn't. His only emotion is anger. I know that aspies have a different way of thinking about things than neuros do, but that doesn't mean that they can't understand right from wrong. I know that he knows better than to do what he does, but he also thinks that he can do no wrong. I also know that he really could care less about me or my feelings enough to work on changing his repetitive behaviors and bad choices. My biggest regret for staying with someone incapable of being selfless, is the effect that it had on my children. Since they grew up thinking that this was all normal, I now have a daughter who chooses bad people to be in relationships with, which causes consequences for my grandchild. For that, I will never be able to forgive myself. After 32 years I no longer have the strength to cope with how things are, and am looking for a way out. In the meantime I'm working hard on getting my daughter the help that she now needs in making better choices and in knowing how she deserves to be treated. |
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Mandy 5:04 AM Sat 14th Sep, 2019 |
After being married for 21 years to an undiagnosed Aspie I finally left. I literally felt myself going mad. I became his mother, taking care of bills, household repairs,organising holidays and being the breadwinner as he was waiting for the ‘ big break’ that was coming his way. Refused to work in any menial jobs, set up hidden bank accounts for his own use, never paid for coffee/ drinks if he was out with his only friend or family...completely and utterly self absorbed. He only did what he wanted to do and only ‘ when he was ready’ . Wouldn’t do something just to make me happy. I told him many times the small things he could do eg. take me to a movie, buy me a coffee.. On our wedding day he took me up in a helicopter as a surprise, even though he knew I was scared of small planes/ heights. We had marriage counselling but he refused to participate, unable to speak about his feelings ( I only ever saw anger... no joy or sadness or regret) He then turned on the counsellors, gave them a list of grievances about their failings and refused to go back to them. At that point I realised it was like banging my head against a brick wall. We were never going to be a team,an impossible marriage and I deserved better. I can not describe the absolute peace and joy I now feel away from this man. Not his fault I know, but not relationship material... |
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Carolyn 4:02 PM Thu 12th Sep, 2019 |
I'd like to add the voice of someone who realized, in hindsight, that my father was asd. Although he passed away in 1997 at 68yrs. old. It was a relief to get a label for his lack of empathy, rages, restricted interests (WWII, rifle marksmanship) and the total cut off he did with his 7 children when he divorced my mother after 23 yrs of marriage. He was an anesthesiologist, making good money, and left her for someone else. He spent a lot of money trying to avoid paying her her due. Smart, selfish, short fused, no friends to speak of, self-involved, solitary. It was no surprise perhaps, when I found myself married for 21 years to a man with ADHD and narcissistic features. My upbringing had created an expectation that I would receive little attention and that this was normal. I divorced my husband because the lack of attention and consideration was too painful to bear any longer. As I read these testimonials I am moved at the level of confusion and pain experienced. It is SO confusing to be with someone not NT. The mind tries and tries to find a way to make sense of something that makes no sense to an NT brain. I encourage people who no longer have any happiness to do whatever they can to free themselves from the situation. Life can become brighter and more worthwhile. And for the good of the children, believe me you are not necessarily doing them a favor by keeping them exposed to the lack of empathy in an asd parent. Even if it seems impossible for practical reasons to get out, keep looking for a way. One might show up, or you might be able to create one. |
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Jessica 11:00 AM Wed 11th Sep, 2019 |
After reading the testimonials,I am much more convinced that my partner has asd. However I am very thankful that it isn’t as bad as some of the comments I’ve read. My partner seems to make attempts at correcting the unacceptable behavior. Be that as it may, this relationship can be so stressful at times and I feel like I’m making most of the concessions because he just doesn’t “get it”. Throughout his college and post graduate education, he was described by many as “weird”. I saw this early on but thought that since he was a nice guy, I would give him a chance. We live together, and he never even purchased groceries for about two months until I asked him to. He would never buy milk and one day after I finished the milk and started eating cereal, he asked me to pour some of my milk out of my bowl to give to him. I got so frustrated and asked him to buy milk. He said “ok” in an Ashamed manner like he realized how he was being by never buying groceries. He always bought groceries after that. He does this thing where he hits/taps my knee during movies. I ask him to stop and he continues. He said that when you love someone, you should be able to tolerate them. I followed that with, if you love someone and you know something bothers them, you should stop. I got so annoyed to the point where I told him that if there is a movie or show that I really would like to see, I can’t go with him. Then after seeing a show without him, he gets mad at me and just doesn’t understand why I just don’t deal with the tapping. He just doesn’t get it. I’ve talked to so many friends about this issue and they all agree-just stop. Then in therapy and he is upset because I say that next time we are in the movies, he should just not touch me. He’s upset because he doesn’t want us to be the old couple that never touches. It’s like there is absolutely no reasoning with him sometimes. It’s like certain things just don’t make sense in his mind. And there’s his goddamn phone. Earlier in the relationship it was so bad that I felt like I was by myself when I was with him. To the point where I thought about breaking up with him. We talk about it in therapy, and it’s gotten better...but then there are days like today where he’s been on his phone a ton when I’m talking to him. He doesn’t even look up. Then tonight, when we get home from a night of me talking to him while he stares at his phone, he’s upset when I don’t want to lay on the couch and cuddle. It’s like ok now you’re ready to see me today? I don’t get it. We’ve gone over this in therapy and I’ve told him how it makes me feel. I just needed to vent and let that out |
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Paul 7:27 AM Wed 11th Sep, 2019 |
My partner and I are gay and have been together nearly 18 years I’m not sure when I realised he has Aspergers Life is not easy. At times, I have contemplated suicide. I wish I had never met him. I imagine how my life without him could be and how relaxed I’d feel. There is nothing I can say about him which I find likeable. I don’t hate him....just feel sorry for him.....and me. We don’t socialise and tend to keep ourselves to ourselves as that is how my partner prefers it. Yet, amazingly , we have recently become friendly with another couple...a husband and wife. My partner is comfortable with them and enjoys their company. When I have spent time with them on my own I have spoken of the difficulties and stresses I feel living with my partner. They have noticed things about him and asked me if I thought he had Aspergers. Of course I said yes. I had believed that sharing this knowledge with someone else, would give me a sense of relief. In fact, I feel I have been disloyal to my partner and , in a way, betrayed him. It feels like a secret which should have remained unspoken. Yet it wasn’t OUR secret...it was MY secret. He thinks he is perfect and everyone else is at fault so how could he see things from my perspective. He can’t. I feared I may have risked losing the friendship of this couple, but for now, they still want to see us. If anything, I think they may be showing more patience and understanding. I probably should try and be more positive when chatting to them as I don’t want to be seen as the ‘bad guy ‘ here. But it’s hard...very hard. Trying to create an illusion that ‘everything in the garden is rosy ‘ when it’s not , is not easy. I’m not sure what the point of my comments is , maybe confessing the guilt I feel at telling someone else my belief that my partner has Aspergers. I do feel resentment toward to him as to how our life together has not resulted into a happy partnership. It’s one sided in his favour as I give in to his wants and demands in an attempt to maintain the peace. More fool me I guess. |
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Myra Simone 9:16 AM Mon 9th Sep, 2019 |
trying to plan a vacation with my husband has left nothing but sadness and even more isolation. He had a meltdown with me in a very small sushi restaurant. Several of my business associates were there. It was humiliating . I just got up and walked home. Why? Because he told me we were going to Europe even talked to me about using our credit card points to upgrade us on the flight. The owner of the restaurant came over to say hello to me because we know each. other. In the conversation my husband told him we were going to a place 6 hours from our house for vacation. First I ever heard of it . So I questioned him and he proceeded to have a meltdown. I would love to be without him but after 25 years of marriage I feel like I should just stay put. I have to say I have no idea who I am around him, anymore. The meaner he has become the stronger my anti-depresssants have become. |
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B 11:01 AM Sat 31st Aug, 2019 |
I just wanted to thank you. I'm glad I came across this website. I'm a man but it's the SECOND Asperger's woman I attracted into my life and I can FINALLY understand what was going on. I'm a bit of a caretaker and too nice for my own good, I tend to attract crazy but, but this last time I thought I was really in love, with a character she was playing. Now I know the two autistic women I let into my life aren't the run of the mill narcissists, the sex, the driving, the speech, the creepy motionless face, the sensitives to flavors and textures, the inflexibility, controlling... I feel less horrible and confused at least knowing what hit me. I'm getting better at defending myself. All this "ableism" bullshit is becoming dangerous......... Thanks again for this website! It made me pull out of the relationship before it got even worse. I'm glad she wasn't especially good at maintaining the facade longer as well. :) |
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Mirna 12:09 PM Fri 30th Aug, 2019 |
I am tired of being the mother of my high functioning autistic husband. I do not know what to do when my husband who is 45 years old needs more help than my actual children. I have to tell him how, when and why to do everything. My nine and ten years old children understand more than my husband. I have been married for over 11 years and I really want to divorce him. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. |
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Berlin 8:31 PM Sat 24th Aug, 2019 |
My husband of 26 years has recently been diagnosed with high functioning Aspergers. I suppose the diagnosis has offered some context and insight into why I have endured decades of loneliness, passive aggression, and emotional coldness that has left me depressed and bitter. For financial reasons, divorce isn't an option at the moment. My husband is intelligent and quite gentle, but he has also been deceptive, a relentless "right fighter", utterly incapable of empathy, completely friendless, clueless about my emotional needs, and a cheater. What does an NT wife do with an Aspie who inflicts unbearable emotional pain through his infidelity and then has no idea how to repair the damage he created? The "empathy deficit" certainly comes in handy for him, and this is what I resent the most. I have trouble sympathizing with a condition when that condition causes me pain and absolves him from responsibility. Aspies can inflict pain and then simply walk away from you with no accountability to the damage they've caused. How does one deal with that? |
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Sarah 6:51 AM Fri 16th Aug, 2019 |
I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be married to a ' normal ' guy. Go out for a meal? Go to the local pub and talk to people? Have friends around for a meal? (Firstly, need to have friends.) Go to a party that someone that doesn’t know us very well has invited us to? Agree TOGETHER that we should decorate the living room? Agree on how to decorate it? He really doesn't care how it’s decorated. Now, I really don't care if it ever gets decorated. What’s the point there's only him and me that sees it. I listen all the time to 'his stuff' but anything I say is interrupted or ignored. I have told him over the last 5 years about health issues I have, and are only going to get worse, but unless I present with a broken leg in a plaster cast he won't take any of it in. I keep going. I keep doing all the things I should and he doesn’t notice when I'm struggling……………A couple of years ago I got rushed into hospital and may not have survived. When I was sent home all he said was he had missed me because he needed me to do the house work. Well that showed how much he cared…………All the autism sites tell me it’s not his fault. But does that mean his deficits are my fault? I have abandoned all hope of a normal, sociable life of partnership with my husband. We sit out a waiting game. Which of us will die first? In truth I wish I could wake up dead tomorrow. |
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jodie 7:47 PM Tue 13th Aug, 2019 |
Quote, "I never feel humiliated." Make sense of this if you can. My husband with ASD of 20 years said this.There's no understanding of emotions in ASD. They claim they have empathy but they have no understanding of the profound consequences of emotion. The only emotions they feel are negative fear and worry. |
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Lani P 7:55 AM Mon 12th Aug, 2019 |
My undiagnosed AS husband of 20 years was so oblivious he almost let me die at home this winter. Thank angels for my daughter who checked up on me and saved my life from ending there on the sofa from a serious illness. I can't even describe what it is like to be in a marriage like this but i am glad to have found this site. Thank you all for sharing and for anyone going thru this now - GET OUT while you can. Love to you all. |
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Roisin 4:44 AM Mon 5th Aug, 2019 |
This is a much-appreciated, validating site. Scary but necessary to share my experience. I was in a relationship with an undiagnosed AS man for nearly six years; still suffering some PTSD, Cassandra syndrome, over two years later. Was frequently abused physically and emotionally. The worst was when, during a visit to our jointly-shared storage unit, he threw a wreath laced with sharp seashells into my forehead, cutting me up - (it was like "the crown of thorns," blood trickling down my face - I had simply suggested that he put some high school and college journals that had been sliding around in the back of the car for seven months into the unit!)- unbeknownst to either of us, there was a man in the storage facility who had witnessed everything, and announced that he was calling 911. I was shoved into the car and, when we returned home, I was crying and bleeding. I asked, "What if I have scars?" He stood, unemotional, and responded "I have scars all over my body." I said, "Not from having someone that you love hurting you --- from fishing and chores." He said, totally calmly, "I will go get you some Mederma," and left.... Separate bedrooms, robotic sex, no passion, no empathy, all sorts of secrets and information withheld from me....OCD, totally regimented behavior...I was an easy target all of the time, although I tried and tried to support all of his obsessions, to the detriment of my own interests and well-being. Constant isolation, silent treatment, leading to despair and sadness. Fake persona displayed to neighbors and his few family members, and after those rare visits and encounters he would become completely debilitated and totally unresponsive to me. I was lucky to have been able to extricate myself from this relationship- I am strong and have been able to rebuild my life, but still sustaining horrific nightmares sometimes. To those involved-- all of you NT's -- my deepest empathy. Had I understood what I was getting into at the beginning, I would have run for my life much earlier. There is hope, and help, and you are not alone!!! |
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Sarah 2:11 AM Mon 5th Aug, 2019 |
I've read alot of the testimonials and realise how old some of us are .Aspergers hadn't been identified when a lot of us met our husbands. In fact I guess we had already gone through a nightmare of 20 years before having any idea .I know I did . From the time I met him I looked after him . All I am now is his carer . There is no partnership . There is no 'doing things together ' I listen to him when he's ' banging ' on about things . I say ' I'm not disagreeing with you ' but still he goes on and on as if I was. He isn't all bad . In a lot of ways he could be described as a nice guy . But he has no understanding of a marriage partnership . No idea of anything that I might need . There is no spontaneous affection . If I get a hug its because he has suddenly remembered that that's what NT s want . Sex ? Let's not be silly here . |
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JR 11:40 AM Wed 31st Jul, 2019 |
Our wedding was in 1975. He was intelligent, charming, in an excellent job. He was 34, i was 24. A year later i became pregnant with twins. I went into labor at 7 1/2 months. He went to work. I had to call ambulance. Lost twins. Hospital rang him at work. He remained at work, stopped in on way home. Gave me gift of perfume, no hug or comforting. Worked all next day,again stopped at hospital on way home. I was sent home with him. Next day he went off on 3 day business trip, i laid in bed and cried, all alone. We eventually had a beautiful son. He has no affection for him, treats him either like a playmate or emotional punching bag. He had high level job in Manhattan, company gave him big promotion. He accepted new position, then walked out to work with man he hardly knew. Lasted 3 months, he walked out. Unknown to me, he stopped paying our mortgage. When bank about to reposess house he took off to Wisconsin leaving me and our son to discover our home was no longer ours. We moved to Florida. Husband began coming to visit, then showed up demanding to move in. Our son married, moved to Seattle away from his father. My life has always been focused on our son, protecting him. Now husband is 79, i am 69. Divorce at this stage of life not for me. He continues believing he is perfect husband and father, my son and i could fill several books with the Hell he has put us through over the years. I have friends and social life and live separate life from husband who has never had a friend nor wants one and his family closed their doors to him many years ago. I have recently discovered Aspbergers and now can understand all of what i have endured. There should be required testing before marriage licenses are issued so people can know beforehand and have ability to walk away and find a loving caring happy marriage with someone else..and children can have TWO loving caring affectionate parents. |
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MM 6:36 PM Thu 25th Jul, 2019 |
I am married to an undiagnosed Aspergers or ASD 46 year old man for 19 years. We have 2 kids, boy and girl, our boy is diagnosed ASD because I pushed to know what was going on and needed to know how to help him. My marriage or should I say lack of relationship has become intolerable. I am trapped in this loveless home, where there is no joy, no love, only existing... I am the care giver to all 3, my husband is the bigger child. His moods are terrible, coming home from work creates and anxiety I cannot describe as am I going home to Jekyll or Hyde. I want to stay in our home with our kids and have asked him to leave and he refuses saying we leave in a box. I do not want to unsettle my kids but I think I will have to go uprooting my little ones all to give him his own way, yet again. It's his way or no way. I have no opinion that he acknowledges, he makes decisions and doesn't tell me. It's like I have no right to know anything that's happening. He has no empathy or consideration for my extended family but for his own he puts on an act of mr nice guy. he says nasty things then denies it. We have had very little physical relationship in the last 19 years, He told me he doesn't like it but wanted the kids. He says he has no urge towards me and but that he wants to keep the house together, which I take it to mean I continue to be Cinderella. He will never leave this house and is using our son to ensure than I don't either. I feel trapped, it's like a hostage situation where even my thoughts and actions are controlled to keep the peace. It's exhausting, I feel like the happiness has been sucked out of me leaving this damaged, shell of a person. Anti depressants have helped in the last 6 or 7 years. It's sad to admit that to get through life you need to medicate whilst my Husband plods along "fine with Fine". He's happy, hasn't changed in the last 20 years. Nobody outside our house had a clue that I was living this joke of an existence as he would always push that we have a great marriage "we never argue" - so True! because we never talk to argue! unless it's to do with a need to talk. I have been his Mother and that's what he wants... not a wife.... not a friend or partner... a Mother who will do everything but wipe his rear. I feel used, neglected, unloved. I am 44, feel like I can't wait for my life to be over to have peace in my head. I have become brainwashed to try to keep my Husband and Son calm, don't rock the boat, keep the house quiet, running like a train where change or anything spontaneous is veto'd. Visitors are not welcome. We are isolated and he works 100% from home so he is now in the house all the time. Never leaves, there is no respite from this hell. He has decided the marriage is going to work and therefore as he thinks it then I must too as he cannot see I have an opinion or original thought of my own. By work he means continue as is, like Groundhog Day. No intimacy (not that I want that now) no laughs, just work, sleep, eat, stay in the house, see no one. 44 and I want my life to be over but my source of strength to keep going are my 2 kids and trying to limit the amount of influence he as on them. |
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Sarah 3:06 AM Tue 23rd Jul, 2019 |
NT married to an aspie . OMG . My life .Am I screwed or what . Yes I guess I am . He's not violent now . Had too much to lose didn't he ? 40 plus years of having the life sucked out of me I have no hope left . I just want to be no more . |
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Laura 1:06 AM Sat 20th Jul, 2019 |
Thank you for all of your testimonials. I am an (inordinately patient and accommodating) step mother of an undiagnosed 12 year old with ASD. The impact it has on all of us is immense and there's no recognition or even belief of this amongst anyone we know therefore no support or empathy. I have often felt like leaving but I love my husband so much and we have a young child together who I don't want to take away from her family home. Walking on egg shells all the time, being held hostage in our home, every single event that is supposed to contain joy being full of melt downs and stress is just an awful experience of life. Whenever you confide in anyone they say " Well it's much worse for your step daughter who is in a state of heightened anxiety" I know this and we act accordingly, accommodating her every wish and need for control but it makes life heavy and isolated and boring. Birthdays, holidays, Christmases, gatherings, celebrations, days out are all fraught with tension to the point where I now avoid these events and feel I don't have a full life. She is awful towards her mother it's like watching someone have to be in an abusive relationship with no way out, this impacts her mum's mental health very badly. I'm so glad I found this forum, i have just read the Cassandra Syndrome page and it has really resonated with me. |
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janis 7:38 AM Sun 14th Jul, 2019 |
I cannot thank you enough for your article on Post Traumatic Relationship Syndrome. I think it is brilliant! It is a spot on analysis of what I have experienced in my almost 40 year marriage and am in the process of healing from now.......I think that one's fundamental beliefs in the goodness in people and fairness in life is a double edged sword. First it works to confuse and blind us to the true nature of what is happening to us at the time and then once we free ourselves from the abuser, it shakes us to the core to have to take our rose colored glasses off and see the horrendous reality of our life experience.....Your article is a wonderful gift for those who, unfortunately, from their own experience really get it. Thank you so much!!! |
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Magenta 4:02 AM Fri 12th Jul, 2019 |
I read the testimonials and I agree with everyone's testimonials. I am married to someone who had just been diagnosed with high functioning autism and I am really considering whether I should continue the relationship or not. We've been together for 10 years but married for almost 5 years. Throughout our relationship I have always wondered what was going on. The mood swings, the lack of commitment, the stone walling, the insults, the projections and lately, the financial burden because my husband just decided to quit his work despite accumulating a big debt which I now have to shoulder. His excuse is - now he is an autist, he refuses to work a normal job. In the meantime, I have to pay for all the bills and his debt, deal with his mood swings and still end up being the bad person or the "damaged one" in all our arguments. His late diagnosis just gave a name to the craziness he has been showing through the years. But now that he is diagnosed, he has the license to be more crazy, more obnoxious and more entitled. I'm really at my last drop because if I don't get a divorce, I think I am going to turn crazy myself. The burden without the reciprocation is just too much. If I would've known he is an autist I would not have married him. He masked his behaviour when we were new together and I though I have found the one. I even moved countries, quit various jobs, sold my house and my possessions to be with him. These sacrifices will never be paid off or reciprocated. I always have to be the one to compromise until I am starting to feel I am no longer me. Its just too much to sacrifice, it takes everything from you. It will still not be enough and it will never stop. |
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Frustrated Coworker 7:48 PM Thu 11th Jul, 2019 |
I’m not in a relationship with one, but because I have to work closely with this person, it sure feels like it, and I think I may be losing my mind. I love my job, and went through a harsh training period, but am now up to speed and good at what I do. Unfortunately, I have a coworker who blatantly ignores rules, won’t respond to advice or reminders to stop making the same mistakes - NEVER apologizes when called out for being lazy or repeatedly doing a part of the job wrong. The best part is that if she starts watching me work (which sometimes she does, and it’s creepy), she’ll find something to nitpick, and will start screaming rudely at me about it. She speaks to me in a rude, informal manner - when she communicates at all. That’s another part of her problem. She won’t communicate when it’s important. If I need to know something about what we’re supposed to be cooperating on, I can depend on her to not tell me, and it feels deliberate. She’s been told repeatedly by our boss to stop withholding important details because it hinders the rest of us from getting our part of the job done properly, but she won’t listen. She won’t even respond to greetings, so I’ve stopped greeting her. Why bother? Because of all of this, I am 99.9% certain she has AS, but - thanks to labor laws - am not allowed to be informed. Well, that’s helpful, isn’t it? I could get in trouble if she decides I’ve taken a bullying tone with her when having to remind her to stop making certain mistakes if she’s part of a protected class, but I’m not allowed to know. It would also concretely explain why she does what she does, were I told directly, which would help me to understand that her actions aren’t malicious, and just take it in stride...but that’s the thing, isn’t it? People with AS can most certainly be intentionally malicious when they want to, and sometimes even target people in particular they decide they don’t like - but we can’t do anything about it. They’re disabled, so we have to just put up with it. I had my head bitten off every time I made the smallest mistake while I was in training, but she’s been with us for over a year now, and gets a pass for everything, even when she does dangerous things - repeatedly! There are things she’s done that normal people would have been fired for by now, but nope. Heaven forbid she should decide to sue for discrimination. So working with her is a living hell, and I’ve resorted to never speaking to her or responding to anything she says unless I absolutely must, because no matter how good my intentions might be, or how nicely I ask a question, it always ends badly. I never know when she’s going to snap and be rude, mumble an unintelligible response at me, or simply not even be bothered to listen to what I say, so I give up on it unless it’s basically an emergency. Otherwise, I wait until the boss turns up, or another coworker who can help out arrives. I’m sick to death of having to passively allow her inconsiderate, uncommunicative and sometimes belligerent behavior to slip on by, just because the company is afraid of getting sued if she decides she doesn’t want to take direction on a certain day, and it’s reaching a serious boiling point now, as I have to continually pick up her slack when she decides she just doesn’t want to complete a part of any given task. I’ll stand my ground because I’m good at my job, get along just fine with the rest of my coworkers, and refuse to let her chase me off, but it’s definitely a trying situation I wish there were some solution for. I’m grateful to have stumbled across this site. In this age of autism worship, it’s really nice to find a safe haven for people who are/have been abused or victimized by them. We seldom get to have a voice. |
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Dot 6:23 AM Thu 11th Jul, 2019 |
Everyone who writes here is telling the truth about their relationships. I ran into an acquaintance the other day. He is autistic and has recently married. I asked him how married life was treating him. He said he didn’t realize she’d be around all the time, but he gets time to himself by going into the city two days a week. He paused and then said, “It’s good to have a friend.” I was beyond words. I wondered why he didn’t just get himself a pet. He’d love it more than he does his new wife. |
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Nora 2:45 AM Wed 3rd Jul, 2019 |
I would like to thank the neurotypicals who use this site. I am an NT who is new to the experience of AS and I have been struggling with a new relationship with an AS man. It has been daunting and confusing, so I applaud you for clarifying what I suspected, but felt too guilty to embrace. Thanks especially to David. |
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Safe 5:56 AM Mon 1st Jul, 2019 |
As I read the most recent posts, it came to mind that one of the reciprocal expectations in an adult relationship is trust. And, that is something we can never have with a person afflicted with Asperger's. The Aspie "relationship" begins with deceit. We fall in love with someone who does not exist. And, we find out slowly or quickly depending on how long each Aspie can keep up the mask. Once we find out, we can never trust them again. We ask ourselves, what else have they lied about? Are we simply momentary distractions from their netherworld? Whatever their motivation, it is always dishonest and always hurtful. They need to stop. |
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David 5:40 PM Sun 30th Jun, 2019 |
I do not agree with the notion that Asperger syndrome is just a different kind of "normal". That idea is simply propaganda promoted by militant Asperger activist groups and by professionals who enable their behavior and call it a variant of "normal." What such professionals fail to realize is that humans have evolved over hundreds of thousands of years to have qualities like social connection, caring about each other, understanding each other's feelings, ability to relate to basic emotional needs, and emotional reciprocity. This is not an accident. These are some of the qualities of normal human behavior that have fostered success as a species, and we cherish those qualities in each other, because they make us feel safe and emotionally fulfilled- a basic human need. The problem I have encountered in my life as a neurotypical is that people with Asperger syndrome are frighteningly good a mimicking normal when it suits them, only to entrap an unsuspecting victim into a relationship that is doomed to fail most of the time. Websites like this serve an important purpose- it is to raise awareness that a small group of people exist who are simply not normal, but who are portrayed as such, and who can have a destructive effect on the rest of us. We should have sympathy for such people, but we do ourselves a disservice by calling them normal, and becoming involved in a relationship with someone who cannot possibly meet our basic emotional needs. Mental health professionals have become so consumed with protecting the rights of people with mental disabilities, that they have failed to protect those who have suffered mental illnesses as a direct result of interacting with mentally disabled people. How screwed up is that? Don't expect an Asperger patient to care about this- they will not even understand what you are talking about, and they will become offended- it is part of their mind-blindness. But I think it's reasonable to expect professionals to protect the rest of us, but they do not. Therein lies the problem. Everything is considered "normal" these days- we live in an "anything goes" society, where it is fashionable and politically correct to protect everyone. That's fine, but I draw the line when protecting a minority group results in harm to the majority. We should be able to protect both. |
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Jody 8:52 AM Sun 30th Jun, 2019 |
In families and marriage partnerships where one person is neurotypical and another has Autism, the culture of telling neurotypicals to be more resilient by giving them a to-do list on how to manage and cope with their relationship to assist their autistic partners, ignores the shared responsibility of all parties………………..The current system of counselling, therapy and medication, as advocated by professionals and experts, is broken. Acknowledging that relationships can be very difficult for someone with Autism by its very definition, and warning the neurotypical of these truths, would allow neurotypicals to make informed decisions and choices which will affect the rest of their lives……………..Educating and informing neurotypicals that they will be expected to take up almost all of the slack in the relationship is the only ethical way. Mutual return of warmth, affection and partnership which is vital in intimate relationships, will be absent: intimacy dysfunction, disappointment and life-long loneliness for neurotypicals will be overwhelming…………………The current system is broken: vague, minimising definitions of the complex neurological, developmental, cognitive, physical disability that is Autism does no-one any real service. Trivialising and denying neurotypical concerns about real danger and emotional abuse that can happen to them as a result of the autistic person’s inability to cope in relationships, is unethical. |
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At wits end 6:05 AM Tue 25th Jun, 2019 |
I’ve been married for 3 years, together for 6 to an undiagnosed 50yo man with Asperger’s. My son lives with us and his kids live far away (they visit twice a year). We started having issues when his kids would come and I would plan activities and work to get them to treat our house as a home. They didn’t care and what shocked me is neither did he……………We never had a united goal or front, he would say something to only get me off his back…………….On vacation last year I was so upset by his reaction in an argument that I mentioned it to a common friend. They mentioned they thought he was autistic and figured maybe that attributed to the reaction. I was confused. Autistic? Three days of googling. I was having anxiety (actually went to the ED thinking it was a heart attack) and horrified to realize how clearly, he fit the profile. It explained so much…….When I finally figured out the best way to bring it up, to my surprise, he wasn’t upset. He said some of his family members were mis-diagnosed with Asperger’s and he laughed it off. WHAT? He took a quick online test I found and argued about each question……………..He came home from work the next day and said he told the guys at work that I thought he was autistic and they laughed and said that’s what their wives think. I was horrified at how he diminished it to water cooler gossip…………….I Found 2 counselors online that I talked to in order to get more info on this new world to me, I was clueless about it………….We have been seeing a 2nd counselor now since Feb and honestly have not seen any change. He now uses the term Asperger’s as a way to blame me. “You think I have this, if so, you need to deal with it”………………….Over the last 3 months, I opened up to some friends about it and couldn’t believe their reaction. It’s like they think I’m crazy. I’ve since shut down sharing. Over a month ago, I lost it and he decided he couldn’t take it! He started sleeping in his son’s room and just acting like business as usual. I told him that he can’t live here like a roommate with my son. He said until I sell the house he’s not moving. Then he acts friendly…………….My son started asking why he was sleeping in a separate room. It’s been over a month now; he treats that as his bedroom and doesn’t even say good night anymore. My son asked to sleep with me last night and said he thought it was so weird he sleeps in his own son’s room. I had no response. He’s relaxed, even told me about a home project he’s planning to do this summer. No personal dialogue at all. It’s like nothing has happened. |
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Standing upright 11:55 AM Sun 9th Jun, 2019 |
The previous posts explaining that narcissism is part and parcel of Asperger's helped me see his behavior for what it was ... all about him! How easy it was for him to blame everything on me, explode with rage, and tell me he no longer had feelings for me. He would not allow me to speak. He had to have the last word. After he broke up with me. He was immediately online looking for someone else. He is in denial about his Asperger's. It is easier for him to look for someone else than to face his "demons." In reality, he is incapable of relating to another human being. No amount of love, patience, kindness, or self-sacrifice matters. Yes, "beating a dead horse" is an apt description. And, "Do not cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." So happy to be standing upright again. |
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Me 8:58 PM Fri 31st May, 2019 |
My husband suddenly left (to escape couples counseling) and we were living separately for a year in a financially unsustainable way of his own making. I had lawyers draw up a proposed divorce settlement. He didn't want a divorce so would not cooperate or discuss, but the financial and child situation did not allow me to leave without some reasonable cooperation from him. So we moved back in together. I tried to live as a self-sufficient, silent roommate but became depressed. Eventually, a year later, I broke down and told him I was not sure I could survive living together, that it is really not healthy for me to live with the lack of interaction, so much so that I often felt like I wish I could die, and that it had been really hard on me since he moved back in. He, meanwhile, had seemed perfectly happy and clueless the whole time. I told him I had been to a therapist, but her advice was to divorce. His only response was to say, "Holy bananas." At some point in the short conversation he said, without emotion, "It sounds like I have let you down in marriage." (This is NOT news to him, believe me, and we'd been in couples counseling, etc.) So I said, "Well, I've been talking about that for decades now and I don't think this conversation is more likely than any of the others to accomplish good rather than harm, so I'm going out." I worked alone in the yard for 2 hours then was heading out to do errands. He came to the car and said, "I have to ask you something. Do you have an actual plan to commit suicide or just a death wish?" I said, "I haven’t found any method that sounds foolproof, and it seems to me that being miserable and disabled would be worse than miserable and healthy.” He said happily, “Oh. So, not so bad then” and went back in the house. That was 3 months ago and there have been zero further words or changes on that or any other personal topic. He thinks he loves me and that he is a pretty decent husband. |
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Me 7:56 PM Fri 31st May, 2019 |
We've been married almost 30 years. Because of family and finances, I cannot divorce at this point (I've tried a couple times) and probably not ever, but have thoroughly detached emotionally. We discuss any practical chores or arrangements by email while he is at work, and he cheerfully offers a sentence or two of bizarre news headlines while eating with the family in the evening. If someone tries to make conversation by asking him questions about the headline, he has no further information but will not admit that he has no actual idea what he is talking about. That is our entire personal interaction. Believe me, I have put in all the love and effort possible over the years, but the truth is, once I gave up, he became happier than ever. He doesn't want a wife who talks or feels, reaches out, offers kind words or ideas. I'd realized long ago he wasn't into conversation or partnership, but he's actually chipper and helpful if I completely ignore him. I have to not even say "hello," "goodnight," or "thank you" and share nothing of my thoughts or feelings, ever, for him to seem relaxed and for me to not be constantly hurting. He used to be amazingly passive aggressive, but now that I ignore the hell out of him he is more helpful. He still won't keep track of, plan, or remember anything, but he will do household projects (that he wants to do) with unfailing patience. I have to stay completely out of it and offer no advice, praise, or thanks or he goes passive aggressive again and delays or bungles the project. It's very hard to have friends of my own. It sometimes heals but often breaks my heart to have good times with others. It takes a lot of energy to switch back and forth from husband interactions to loving, talkative people interactions. To receive caring from others makes it harder for me to live in peace at home and not feel sorry for myself. When I tried to divorce, my best friends knew, but one just kept trying to analyze and help my husband, the other is frustrated that I didn't end up leaving, so my best relationships became strained. I hate all the advice to get emotional sustenance from others. My husband gets jealous if I have close relationships with others which adds additional difficulty. Not many married people socialize with just one of a married couple and I don't want to go anywhere with him. It's a hard row to hoe. |
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facilitator to "lost" 4:50 AM Mon 27th May, 2019 |
Professor Tony Attwood has called the behaviour of people with Autism, "Jekyll and Hyde". They are charming outside the home, but change when they are inside home. Your spouse obviously believes he's really charming, which is an insult to you, his spouse, who sees his real behaviour. |
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lost 5:47 PM Sun 26th May, 2019 |
He just said, if he was like what he is at home, outside, no-one would talk to him. Then he said he's his real self outside. What do I make of this? |
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Ann 5:47 AM Fri 24th May, 2019 |
Reading these testimonials for several months now has helped me process an abusive relationship that I, a non-autistic woman, had with an autistic man – let’s call him Bob – in his 40s. I met Bob through mutual friends, who described him as “nice,” “quiet”, and “shy.” At first, Bob pretended that he was not autistic. Because we grew up in two different countries, speaking different languages, I initially blamed our painful communication issues on cultural differences. Bob and I shared the same career interests. I did not know then that Bob’s career was his special interest. Bob presented himself at being VERY successful in this field. I also did not know that Bob did not make ANY money. What I thought was Bob’s lucrative career was simply a hobby he did for fun. When I found out that he was living on social services, he blamed mysterious business partners on Bob’s poverty. Bob only divulged he was autistic after he had a VIOLENT melt down over a cup of lukewarm coffee that he deemed too warm. After this, fast forward into the future, he had such a bad meltdown that he kicked me in the stomach. Because here in 2019 in The United States there is a pro-autism movement in which media and celebrities promote the notion that autistic boyfriends are the most loyal, trustworthy mates…and also because I have a close autistic female friend…I thought I should embrace a romantic relationship with this “nice,” “quiet”, and “shy” autistic male. We had a TON of communication problems. My feelings were hurt when he spent all his time on the phone speaking with mutual friends, but never had the time or energy to speak with me. Also, he ignored my texts. What hurt me the most was how he ignored me on holidays. After educating myself on autism, I learnt that my birthday was probably not important to him, so I went out of my way in advance to explain that I needed him to wish me a happy birthday. He never wished me a happy birthday. Even though I explained to him many times in many ways how important holidays and birthdays were to me, he did not make any effort to celebrate them…yet, he happily let me spend $300 on his birthday dinner before my ignored birthday occurred. Over time, Bob seemed more and more narcissistic to me. I got therapy for being abused by a narcissist and never blamed autism on his bad behavior. Bob and I had an intimate passionate relationship at first, but over time, he was not interested in me in the bedroom…instead wanted to watch soft porn television shows in bed together. The few times we had sex, he gave me a sexually transmitted disease (STD). I did not know what was wrong and went to the doctor. After the doctor gave me treatment for the STD and I confronted Bob, he immediately admitted he had an STD. When I asked why he did not get treatment for it, he ignored me. Also, when we went out on *dates,* he always wanted us to be surrounded by tons of mutual friends. He seemed to prefer to be alone or in large groups (even though he complained about how he had to be “saved from these people” when in large groups). He did not like being with me alone unless an activity related to his special interest was involved. When I initiated the breakup, Bob recruited his FAMILY members to contact me to tell me to try and persuade me to stay in the relationship. Bob thought we should speak with his father, who he did not like, to see if his father had ideas about how our relationship could be saved. After getting to know Bob, I grew disgusted with him (his lack of taking care of his health, his poor hygiene and how he used other people and me for money) and wanted to run for the hills. I thought it would be ethical to meet with him in person and explain to him my reasons for ending the relationship. It was like speaking to a wall. After I tried to have an amicable breakup, Bob viciously stalked me. After changing all of my contact information, the stalking has seemed to stop, but that was only after he confronted MY family members, who don’t know the whole story and think he’s just a “nice,” “quiet”, and “shy” guy. How I wish the American media STOPPED praising people only because they are autistic. People are all different. Some bad and some good. The way the current media tells it, all autistic people are innocent and good. From my personal experience, I have learnt that autistic people can be VERY BAD. I have also learnt that I am unhappy when dating narcissists and that the autistic man that I dated was a TOTAL narcissist. If you are thinking about marrying an autistic man, like I did, seriously do your research and get to KNOW KNOW the individual. By default autistic people are narcissist, so if you want attention and to be respected be sure that the autistic person you are involved with works in a system in which both of your needs are always reciprocated. |
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Penny 4:51 PM Wed 22nd May, 2019 |
How anyone can expect to have a warm, close, loving, sharing adult, intimate relationship with someone who is child-like, cold, unemotional (except for their need to use controlling anger, fear and worry: now called anxiety and depression by the expert buffoons) and totally self-centred beats me. |
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David 5:16 AM Wed 15th May, 2019 |
In response to Lottie's comment about "a lot of you guys coming across as really, really ableist", I would point out something that is painfully obvious to most of the individuals contributing to this site. It is not our intent to discriminate against those with disabilities. If someone cannot walk well, we help them cross the street. If someone has an intellectual disability, we find ways for them to learn. But those with Asperger syndrome often and willfully masquerade as "normal" people, realizing full well that they have a disability that prevents them from understanding the rules of neurotypicals, and they compensate for this by learning to "act" normal…………Their disability is first known only to themselves, and it is cleverly disguised, until we find out too late and become entangled with it. In effect, we are victimized by a clever, premeditated, and dishonest ruse in many cases. We become unsuspecting victims of an intelligent and manipulative person who is an actor, and then when he or she gets what they want, the mask drops and we are caught in a marriage or serious relationship with someone who fooled us all along, and whose disability is largely incompatible with a normal, reciprocal relationship. I do not accept that simply calling Asperger’s a "disability" is an excuse to cause harm to others- especially since individuals with this condition are often aware at some level of the act they are playing…………..FACILITATOR’S COMMENT: Lottie and David are both correct. This is the cognitive dissonance for NT’s who live with someone with ASD. It is further compounded by experts and autism advocates who would have us continue to enable the person with ASD as a pretence to improving marriage. Thank you to both Lottie and David for their pertinent comments. |
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Lottie 10:05 AM Sun 12th May, 2019 |
A lot of you guys come across as really, really ableist. |
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FP 3:59 PM Fri 10th May, 2019 |
Hello, I just wanted to add my 2 cents to what "Estelle" wrote on 9th May 2019. She wrote: "He is mysterious about what he is working on, playing an over-busy person, though not hired anywhere and without any firm of his own. I notice that he is masculine but effeminate..." The same is true for the Asperger/HFA-colleague I have to deal with at work. He had not been hired anywhere before he joined our company (just a few odd jobs here and there), yet he portrayed himself as a successful person (and still does!). He doesn't even have an area specialisation in his field of work (which is very uncommon in our business). He also has a very effeminate side... to the point where many people are convinced that he must be gay. At the same point he seems to be kind of asexual and clueless about all things sexual. I also wanted to say that Estelle seems to be a very kind and considerate woman (like all the people who wrote testimonials). She derserves SO much better that the guy she is with now. Her gut feelings are screaming loud and clear: "Run! This is bad for you!" Our guts talk to us for a reason... Kind regards! |
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faciltator 5:10 AM Fri 10th May, 2019 |
Narcissism is part of the behaviours of people with autism. It is not a separate mental illness. |
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Estelle 8:54 PM Thu 9th May, 2019 |
I am with an Asperger too. Fantastic connection to start with for few months, very attentive and motivated, but always late without excuses. My first irritation about it seem to have ended his "high" love rush, I got a 2 weeks silent treat... Tok it up again, tried to understand how remarks can be taken so hardly on this side. Then, impossible to plan anything, he would dump me last minute on week-ends, probably having found something more interesting to do on his own eyes. I ended up being alone at last minute with limited possibilities to be then joined by friends. He is always justifying his absences with strange stories (stranger and stranger, in fact, much to doubt about). He is mysterious about what he is working on, playing an over-busy person, though not hired anywhere and without any firm of his own. I notice that he is masculine but effeminate, very concerned by his look, very sporty and top shape is important to him. He is walking - I should say running, he runs all the time, always late- with his arms in strange positions. He has an high IQ, very busy studying some subjects as an expert to impress people around. He is collecting systematically papers everywhere we go, concert, galleries, monuments, etc... even if already taken before. I am not allowed to go to his place, it is always at mine (it is not nice enough, he says, he has many things...). He is quickly in "bad mood", very easily overreacting, crise maximizing for small things. Then he is shuting down, hiding completely under the cover, he can not communicate anymore, can not be touched... It drives me mad... He expects only good vibes, even when he arrives one hour too late... Only times he is showing up on time is if I book an event, concert or other that starts sharp on time. But he is arriving running last minute... What I find very difficult is the insecurity he is building up in me, on what he really does (sickly busy with thousands papers home or with other ladies ?). Then the feeling of not being respected, not being important to him, given his own self centered attitude. I feel like a mistress of a married man, as he is so "unavailable", including on key dates, being birthdays, valentine, national day or whatever, when I would really count on his presence. He says he is fully honest and faithful... For long, I thought he was Asperger, then clumsy and tried to understand and cope... But honestly I see him now also as a narcissist, who seems to have fun hurting my feelings and sabotaging all opportunities that I regard as important for building our relationship... He is very handsome, has a very attaching side, a boyish candour, that is very charming, he can be impressive in knowledge, but I end up feeling alone and not understood in my needs. I am backing up now, it is too difficult... and when I read about those who courageously tried for many years here, I am thinking that there is no way to succeed in establishing a relationship that is balanced... I would need to be a robot to cope, without feelings and needs, I feel... The question is that he knows what I need and he can deliver it as he did to start with, but he choose not to do it then anymore, wanting still to stay in a relationship ? What is the point ? |
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Sharon 7:31 PM Wed 8th May, 2019 |
Yes been there with an undiagnosed ASPIE spouse of 50 years. The brain configuration is different . No need to expect anything from your ASPIE spouse they really do not need you and prefer to be alone. It's your choice to make a life with them or not. The way to make your life tolerable is have plenty of friends and social activities for yourself do not include him as this is for you.stop having expectations. Enjoy the benefits of their positive attributes and find routines for yourself that work in a positive way.Dont be dependent upon your partner for your well being .Self help and a counselor is best. Stop expecting to be a couple as he can never fulfill that role in a traditional sense. His brain does not work like that as he can not empathize, nor does he have the need to be with you. He enjoys his own company more than others or yours. He does not need affection or physical intimacy. You will have to share that with others You will have to find solace in your time with others and pursue your own interests. The lack of executive functioning skills will drive you nuts so accept you will be the one to conduct all the responsibilities In your lives.he can do the routine repetitive tasks such as mowing lawns, folding laundry, emptying the dishwasher,buying the regular groceries. You will do all the home repairs or hire the handyman,you will plan and organize all the meals,you will be in charge of the finances,you will plan all the social activities or holidays. In short he can not think ahead to plan or predict any of these things. He can do jobs he is use to that are in front of him. Anything not planned ahead that he does not know about he will not take part in.so no new foods no new activities no new friends. He requires down time after any activity and requires time alone. This is the way it is.He is incapable of a partnership. |
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Chantal Cormier 12:12 PM Mon 6th May, 2019 |
I dated a man when I was 25. He was smart, had a house and a good job. We went camping, fishing and bike riding together. Two years later, we married. The day after the wedding, ig was like a horror film. He refused to eat at the table with me and chose to eat while playing on the computer. When I asked him to dit with me he got mad and said: what for? I already know what you look like! When I asked if he was mad at me he got even madder and started to scream at me to leave him Alone. I cried myself to sleep each night as he was a truck driver and worked nights. I wondered what I did to upset him! Why was he so cold and unresponsive emotionally. What troubled me the most was how he’d get irritated and mad when I cried in front of him. He’d tell: Why are you crying g?? Do you feel sorry for yourself? Our daughter was born 4 months after we married. He actually left me alone most of the 48 hours at the hospital. When he cane to pick us up, he was on the phone with his friend making plans to go fishing for the week-end thé next day. I begged for him to help me. He exploded and screamed at me in the hospital room but did wind up cancelling his plans. He started the surent treatment that weekend. I was a new wife and new mother. He ignored me and refused to talk for over a week. I was so sad and devastated. When he finally talked to me I was so happy that I had no idea that I was being emotionally abused. When both my kids were diagnosed with asperger s and then he as well, it finally made sense. I’ve been criticized, ridiculed, mocked, screamed at, yelled at, ignored and isolated for 15 years. My two kids are more like me than him and they keep me going on the bad days. I’m not a bad person. My faith in God keeps me going. I’ve learned to ignore him and create a life of my own. I won’t rule out leaving him once the kids are moved out. At that point I think I’d feel to lonely to live here anymore. |
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T 3:11 AM Mon 6th May, 2019 |
I am not new to this site, but this is my first time sharing my story. I am so grateful for all the experiences you have all shared. It has pulled me out of a relationship that was emotionally mentally sexually and even physically abusive. I had left many times before, but my addiction to the aspie lured me back. Not this time. I'm 4 months out, and last night I ran into him at a social gathering. My heart dropped, but not from want, from repel. I am a very loving being, who adores her friends kids family, and when I'm in my flow my soul shines bright. Just being in the room with him shuts me down, my soul shrinks into the tiniest little ball inside. He has left so much damage from being in an intimate relationship with him. They make you feel unseen, worthless and mold us to be their perfect object of companionship while disrespecting and degrading us. There is no love, you are not special in any way, just a thing or object. I could go on about the behaviours of high functioning autism but as you know or have read, there is many shared traits but so unique in your own situation. All I can say is this, we are beings of love and joy, and if we are ever in a situation that dims this in us, then our birthright to experience happiness and life with curiosity and joy will burn out. It is very hard to leave, and the real work is after you gone, trying to heal so many deep wounds. But life is so short, and I choose to live. Because it truly is a gift and we should live it to our fullest. I believe I've gone through this extremely painful time to awaken and grow and finally shine in this beautiful world. I am grateful for my aspie, he really is a lovely man and some memories are good, but it is recovering from his Disfunctional way of relationship that grew an even more beautiful woman than he first met. And I believe I will be loved by a man exactly the way I love. Please know it will get better day by day if we focus on self love. And we will need lots of it for giving all our love to them with nothing in return. So much love and respect to all those who have shared, your stories heal the hearts of those of us who are in the crazy depths of despair, trying to get out. |
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Gigi 8:38 PM Sun 5th May, 2019 |
I've been married 32 years. My husband has been to many doctors a d counselors and psychiatrists over the years, nobody caught it. It has been a lonely marriage on the emotional and physical side of things, but what a kind, gentle and caring man. A hard worker, great provider and allows me to do ANYTHING I want, mostly because he likes being alone. I just came back from a 30 camping trip with my dog. I was the one to suggest my husband be tested, he has "Aspergers". I took the trip because our 24 year old daughter has been dating a guy (first real boyfriend) that we would rather she didn't. I won't go into detail. They have been in counseling for three months and our daughter has actually got worse in her attitude and thinking. I have never suspected she was on the spectrum, but at 3:00am, in a tent, in the woods of Tennesee, a video started playing off youtube, "22 signs you have Aspergers " I had cried out to God to help me help our daughter, and He brought it to me in a YouTube video at 3am. I came home five days later, had a long talk with my husband and we met our daughter at the park (because she loves nature) and I told her what had happened and what I suspected. She was silent for a ling time while I explained the different things that seemed to line up. She ended up walking off but then coming around. It's taken only a couple days, but we have had the most wonderful conversations and the daughter that I "thought" I knew better than anyone is a stranger in a lot of ways, but I feel like I'm finally seeing the real woman. I asked her yesterday, what percentage do you believe you have ASD? She said 100%. So, we have some things to work thru and allow her to find out who she is, but it's going to be fine. She's a lovely young woman that we are very proud of. So talented in music, and just a kind person. Best wishes to you all. |
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Free 1:31 AM Sun 5th May, 2019 |
I’m so grateful for this site. I’ve been involved with someone who has high functioning autism for 4 baffling years. I’m finally off of the merry go round. We never lived together, thank God. I could go on and on about his strange, selfish, my way or the highway mindset but it’s too exhausting. The last straw was him delegating my number when I didn’t attend a hiking trip with him and his friends and giving me the silent treatment for 2 week. Then, boom! He emails me “hi, how are you”. I’m done with the madness of thinking this man will ever Chang. I’m free!!!!! |
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FP 4:51 AM Wed 17th Apr, 2019 |
Thank you for all your helpful testimonials. I am not in a relationship with an ASD-person, but I have to work closely with someone I strongly suspect has Asperger's/HFA………… He is in his late 40s, has a PhD and still lives with his parents. Before he came to our company a few years ago he has never had any official employment, he wasn't even registered as unemployed. His parents hid him at home for decades! He didn't even receive social security or health insurance just because he hadn't signed up for it…………… He gets very defensive and nervous when asked about his private life (I guess there is none besides his parents)…………. I am sure there has never been a diagnosis/therapy despite his strong autistic traits. Even our supervisor talked to him about his irritating behaviour (know-it-all, finishes everybody's sentences, high level of arrogance, has no executive functioning, very little common sense, bad personal hygiene, freaks out over minor incidences (everyday-stuff), gets nervous and agitated easily etc.). Still he claims that everything is okay…………… In my country you are considered legally disabled with Asperger's but he refuses to get any help. I have to share an office with him and it sucks the life out of me, yet everybody who has to work with him once in a while claims that he is "so nice".............. I told the supervisor I want to be transferred to another room. I really hope this will happen soon. Otherwise I will look for another job……….. Blessings to you all! |
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DS 9:21 AM Tue 16th Apr, 2019 |
I'm married to an undiagnosed man with Asperger’s but didn't realize it until about 6 months ago. All along (40 years), I thought it was at least partly my fault for this loveless lonely sham of a marriage. I am in a place where I feel despair (I pray and hope somehow this will just work out, yet I know it won’t.) He is a coward; cannot stand up for himself (so forget ever sticking up for me); very immature in my opinion; selfish……………. He had an older sister who lorded over him, a brother who was VERY autistic but again never received any help (he died last year). People all said how nice he was but he almost killed my spouse when they were younger. He managed to get his temper under some control and with sibling help, lived alone in a trailer court and had a job. Never married but into pornography. I threw out my spouse's little bit he picked up when in the army……………Spouse is good provider, NOT verbally abusive, but NEVER says any compliments, stopped being nice to me with flowers, etc., after 6 months of marriage. I've always defended him and made excuses for him………………..I'm just very sad because my son never felt he had a dad. He suffers from that. He is very NT. Married someone great. My daughter has undiagnosed Asperger's. I always related to my son but found it difficult to understand my daughter. Sadly, she suffers from depression and high anxiety……………You can't fix Asperger's, but she is conscious of it because I've told her. Neither of my children REALLY believe me. I feel they have to have the "official" diagnosis to really believe it. They don't really want to "listen" to me, so it's been an added hurt………….I understand about the Cassandra phenomenon and not being believed. I haven't been able to say all this stuff to anyone. I tried counseling, but it doesn't quite seem to be helping me. I feel it's suicide, divorce, or just sticking it out. That's actually where I'm at. Moved to the extra bedroom. We haven't had sex for decades. That wouldn't bother me so much but there's NEVER been affection or intimacy...........He was like an animal when we were first married and I was the "good wife." I find I threw my life away to marry someone I wasn’t able to love. I’m done. |
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SJ 5:55 AM Sun 14th Apr, 2019 |
I would like to say thank you for this website its positive comments have saved me feeling like I am on the edge of insanity…………. I met my husband 7 years ago. He is diagnosed with Asperger’s, and at first I was totally overwhelmed by his dedication, thoughtfulness and love towards me. Fast forward to the present date and I realise now, that I was his obsession. For the last two years he has left me at times feeling suicidal. The worst being when we lost a baby and he showed more interest in candy crush and a local band than my emotional distress. I went to the cemetery and he didn’t accompany me, as he said God and religion was bullshit, my visit to the cemetery wasn’t to pray it was to be near to my baby. I came home and cried and cried and he asked if I wanted a cup of tea and then processed to go back on his computer………….He will constantly re-invents himself, at one time he ‘always wanted to be writer’ then a photographer now he thinks he is a film director. I have fought like a tigress to have the husband who once pretended to love me……………. With the help of this website, I have come to realise that he never was that person. I can’t fix what wasn’t real. He has sent me to the brink of insanity, I have had a nervous breakdown and been diagnosed with PTSD…………which is really OTRS in this case; since losing the baby and his subsequent treatment of me. I have drunk heavily, medicated myself with prescription drugs, to find some solace or make sense of his behaviour towards me……………… He fails to recognise if I am wearing a nice dress, have nice nails or hair, whether the dinner I have cooked is healthy and tasty. More often than not its complaints that I serve too big a portion; it isn’t spicy enough. He has only scripted interest such do you want tea or coffee; do you have a meeting this evening? How was work? That’s it if he doesn’t use those scripted questions I am ignored for months……………… He will frequently use social media to boost his ego and believe he is part of something; he is a successful person and all of this on a few posts on Instagram and Facebook. He has numerous Facebook, Instagram and twitter accounts. When challenged he said it was to raise business profiles and networking, but that should be something you share with your wife surely? Then I found out he had 7 google plus accounts all in different names and the only people liking his posts was himself………. At times I feel scared that this man is a total stranger to me and I am unsure what he will do next. I feel humiliated by the way he has deceived me and treated me. The impact on my mental health, my children and my mother who worry constantly about me is something he is responsible for. A human being needs interaction, communication, empathy and partnership. He can’t give me those. Do I believe he can’t help it? In a nut shell no. He knows right from wrong. He knows he hurts me; I feel he has sociopathic tendencies and narcissism……………. The black hole he has put me in has two endings, I either climb out and rebuild myself from years of emotional abuse and leave or I just end my life. And ending my life isn’t an option. I used to be happy, social, have my own money and vivacious. I was always laughing, dancing and singing. I have a high-powered career and I refuse to let him take from me the qualities I was raised with. I am learning to re-build my self-respect, confidence and self-esteem. My advice to anyone going into a relationship with someone with Asperger’s is if you have a strong steel spine, broad shoulders and no need for reciprocal emotions then continue. If you don’t, walk away and don’t look back. From my experience they suck the very core from you. |
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pjh 5:40 AM Sat 6th Apr, 2019 |
Thank you for the site you've created and the accountability you place on the abusive behavior which pervades the homes of those of us unlucky enough to have been seduced by someone with self-diagnosed Asperger’s (refused to get himself officially diagnosed but told me about 2.5 years in to our 12 years together). I find so much of my own experience here…………….. I am sick, have an auto-immunity based degenerative joint disorder thanks to childhood trauma but most certainly the last twelve years kicked it in full board. It's been isolating as no one in my once-quite-large community believes me. He took full control of the money. I had to leave my home and community built over 25 years to survive in a lesser priced city, starting from scratch with nothing. I still feel lucky to be out……………….. He hasn't given one iota of thought to the damage caused. There was never an apology for the violence throughout or at the end. It was verbal with some lunges and hands raised but a LOT of verbal abuse. This site puts it perfectly. That abuse sticks and cements itself in your memory and nervous system for quite some time……………………. My question is if there are any recovery recommendations you can suggest to get past the total lack of closure. The feeling of unfairness of all of this, that he enjoys love immediately, seemingly rewarded for abusing someone so horrible, while I live in a city where I don't know anyone working paycheck to paycheck to rebuild leaves me feeling utterly broken and trying to find a reason to keep moving forward……………… Empathy disorders will soon destroy humanity. The hidden aspect of the NT experience is inexcusable…………….. Thank you for your site. Thank you so much for taking the time to tell OUR stories. They walk away free of any illness, pain, remorse or regret. NT's are riddled with medical issues, energy depletion and emotional trauma taking years to heal if they heal at all. Something is hugely uneven and unfair about this arrangement……………….. The lack of macro empathy from ASD lobbies is just a larger version of the issues I experienced at home. Ignored, disregarded, and isolated. Please keep turning up the volume of our voices, and share our stories. We deserve just as much protection as the autism community. What better person to choose to bridge the divide felt by a person with ASD than to choose someone who has a link to the emotional world. I will sign off with a HUGE THANK YOU, again |
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ann 6:11 AM Tue 2nd Apr, 2019 |
I recently ended a 5.5 year relationship with a man with ASD after catering to his needs, interests, schedules, and diet daily without in-kind reciprocation. I did all the cooking and housework. When there was something to carry or move, I did it. He opened perhaps 3 doors for me in 6 years. I became his therapist, listening to lengthy accounts of work and lunch, trying to soothe him from the critiques of his parents and associates. We didn’t talk about me. Sometimes I tried to get a quick phrase in, just to not feel invisible. I became an interjector, a blurter out of the shortest phrases possible before his ears closed. He rarely expended an effort on me that didn't involve his special interests, shopping and driving. He listened to me when he made shopping lists. If I wanted to go for a walk in nature, we might drive for two hours, walk for ten minutes, then drive back for two more hours. It didn’t matter that I don’t enjoy riding in cars. He was unaffectionate and never said a single endearment to me. My own endearments and nurturing of him were irrelevant toward fostering a bond; his capacity for that is absent…………………Three years into it he referred to himself as single. I covered for him. If I was in pain, or was tired while cooking or cleaning, he couldn't gauge that, so I didn’t get much-needed breaks from those chores. Once I had a severe headache and told him I couldn't lift my head off the pillow, and that I may have had a stroke. He said "Do you want a tablet?” His ‘caring’ stems from logic, damage prevention, and staying off peoples’ radars, not from their well-being. Only when I broke down and felt hated would he say (hollowly) “But I love you.” Yet that closed-fisted hug, that dry minimal kiss, the unwillingness to reciprocate a massage, or even to touch – all festered inside. My personality became stifled and corroded…………………..In attempts to prevent illness by withdrawing emotionally, I asked him if we could redefine the relationship as platonic or open, but he wouldn’t have it. He said he wasn’t a germaphobe, didn’t find me repulsive, and wasn’t gay (there was no sex). When it hit me – Aha, ASD - he took offense. His mind blindness and disinclination to give of himself destroyed the relationship, but my need now to relocate, start over, and try to recover from convulsive waves of confusion, anxiety, and long term lack of belonging are at my own expense……………….I’m sympathetic to those on the spectrum who, like anyone else, don’t want to be alone, but when an ASD person camouflages on a date, they pave the way for a partner to suffer. No one should be lured into a damaging relationship. If only there were some sort of litmus test or friendly questionnaire which dates could ask of each other to determine whether one of them is ASD, it could prevent so much suffering!.......................Facilitator suggests that NT’s change the way they approach assessing the connection in the early days: look for what’s not there; what’s not happening; all those subtle missing bits that are easy to overlook because they seem of no big consequence in the beginning. ASD is about what’s missing as much as what happens. Those small niggles that easy-going, flexible NT’s ignore. |
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Maureen 2:03 PM Sun 31st Mar, 2019 |
I have been with my husband for 19years and knew he was different but didn't realise that he had high functioning AS until his daughter was diagnosed about 4 years ago. I always thought she was strange and that explained why. I still didn't realise that my husband had AS until he mentioned that maybe he had it. Nothing was ever done about it and we just sailed along for the next few years. Our sex life was not very satisfying and a couple of years ago we stopped intimacy. It was not until a few months ago, just after Christmas he told me he was leaving me to pursue a relationship with this woman that he had known for a year ( younger of course). He said she was his intellectual equal. That hurt. Since then I have researched As and realised all the time I was exhausting myself trying to get emotional reactions from my husband I was flogging a dead horse. What it has helped me with is to understand that I did nothing wrong. It is liberating to know that. He has taken all his problems with him and someone else has to deal with them. I feel free even though I still feel hurt and betrayed I realise that whether or not they can help it AS people are very selfish. |
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Karry 4:44 AM Wed 27th Mar, 2019 |
It’s impossible for a neurotypical to turn off empathy, caring, compassion, love, mutual understanding....it cannot be done. How in the world do “experts” believe that AS adults can simply turn off their AS brain...it cannot be done, and because AS cannot change...experts expect and demand that NTs change their very being to accommodate a person with neuro-developmental disorders as their spouse. |
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Jacque 11:21 PM Fri 22nd Mar, 2019 |
Thank you all for sharing your experiences! I feel like I'm not all alone in this anymore. I have been in a long distance relationship with a man who has Asperger's for the past 2 and half years. I've tried to end the relationship several times over the past year but the feelings of sympathy I have for him and the pressure his family puts on me to stay with him have drawn me back into the relationship over and over again. He is the most selfish, uncaring (although he once told me that even though he comes across as being cold blooded he's actually a softie at heart).. What a liar. There is nothing soft or caring about him. He only cares about his needs and what's going to be convenient for him that's it. From the very beginning I felt like something was amiss but I couldn't figure out exactly what it was and chalked a lot of our communication problems up to the fact that we were in a long distance relationship. I was recently venting to one of my co-workers about how sad and lonely I have been and continue to be in this relationship and she suggested that it sounds like he has Asperger's. I work with children and many of them are autistic so I don't know why I didn't see these signs in him? One thing that threw me off is that he is very successful in his sales career. He functions well with his job, but of course it's because he makes money from his clients so again there's something in it directly for him. I have had a long, painful struggle coming to terms with the reality that the man I feel in love with doesn't exist. I'm choosing to leave this relationship before uprooting my life, leaving my family and my job that I love here and moving to another state to be with him. However I still have a broken heart, I still care about and feel sorry for him. So there is still a struggle. I am trying to accept the fact that I am going to feel just as alone if I am married to him as I do being 1200 miles away from him. Thank you all again for sharing your experiences. If I can help even one person as you all sharing your experiences have helped me then it makes my struggles and pain worth it. |
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Ash 2:18 PM Fri 22nd Mar, 2019 |
I married my husband in 2013 and had no idea that he had Asperger’s Syndrome. I didn’t even know what it was and probably wouldn’t have figured it out had it not been for my mother who tutors children with learning disabilities. My mother was the first to suggest that my husband had autism. My husband is the most selfish, inconsiderate person that ever was. We have separated and he provides me with no financial support for our daughter. He doesn’t spend time with us at all. When we were married, he had no clue about what was appropriate in a marriage. He would Skype women insisting they’re “friends,” but would act possessive and jealous deleting contacts from my phone, Facebook, etc. He obsessively keeps track of my social media accounts and read every exchange between myself and other people. Yet everything he does is very secretive. I know absolutely nothing about his life. My husband withdrew affection and acted progressively more distant after our daughter was born. He went from doting on me and giving me his undivided attention to being emotionally unavailable and physically gone. He left our family home every opportunity he got. Sometimes even sitting in his car alone for hours after work making phone calls rather than coming inside. He made me feel so desperately lonely in our marriage. We have been separated for six years and I’m contemplating divorce. |
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Judith A. Bradford 4:48 AM Sun 10th Mar, 2019 |
I want people who are living with an autistic person to know that autistic people lack empathy, inability to consider feelings of others, and are compulsive liars. You might settle for these unhealthy relationships for whatever reason, but do not let ANYONE convince you that what you are experiencing is not real or somehow your fault. I would suggest you read everything you can on narcissists and listen to experts on utube who talk about narcissistic abuse. "A rose by any other name". Perhaps in the future, there will be more understanding about autism and future generations with this developmental disorder can be helped to a degree. Also, it is important for future generations of autistic people to learn to be honest about their condition so a neurotypical can make a decision about their degree of involvement with autistic individuals. Pretending something does not exist does not make it go away! |
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Christine Webster 6:01 AM Fri 8th Mar, 2019 |
This site has been so helpful. I actually look at it daily to find out what others have experienced. Why do Aspie's go to the trouble of seeking out "love and relationship" when clearly they are unable to sustain it? I am working through a break-up w/a 61-year-old male who has undiagnosed Asperger's. I am 59. Neither of us has been married. I have one adult child. I spent some nights in his home, but never lived with him. In my experience, he pushes boundaries to "pick fights" or otherwise treat me poorly so he won't have to engage sexually and/or emotionally. In the beginning he seemed like he really wanted intercourse. He bragged about his sexual prowess as a younger man. Each time he wanted to go out of town and spend the night, it ended in disaster and hurt feelings. This last time, he ended the "relationship." I am quite aware of my failings. He is not aware of his. It's always my fault. He has been unable to accept that I am more worldly than he and equally as intelligent, albeit in different subject areas. He seems to resent me when he's "not the smartest person in the room." And, though it hurts that he broke up the "relationship," there is also relief because it has been so difficult. My head was often "swimming." Like so many others who have made loving efforts to accommodate their sensitivities to noise, crowds, touch, etc. Not once has he recognized that I have been loving, patient, gracious, kind, generous, and thoughtful. Like the many who wrote about "in the beginning" he was gentle, kind, and affectionate. Like all the others, when the mask falls off, I have been blindsided, waiting, I suppose, for the one I love to return. How does one heal when the person you love doesn't exist? |
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HJ 4:40 AM Fri 8th Mar, 2019 |
O M G this is the first time I have ever read anything about the partners of a person with Asperger’s or any kind of autism. I thought I was alone in my thinking that sometimes I just want to die and how for the past 46 years I have been emotionally abused by my husband who has Asperger's...... Thankyou to you all in making me feel at least human and that it is not just me. There has always been a lot of information on how to support someone with autism but not any kind of understanding for the rest of their family or their main carer. So now I say to hell with it why should we suffer and walk around on egg shells and have our lives ruined they are the selfish ones for putting us through this when they jolly well know right from wrong so why the heck didn’t they just live on their own instead of ruining our lives? Mine has been wrecked after all these years; a bit late now to start again. |
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Paul 7:26 AM Mon 4th Mar, 2019 |
We are a gay couple . I have lived with my partner for 16 years. People sometimes ask how long we have been together and I have always replied ‘ too long ‘. I mean it. I don’t know how much longer I can endure this type of existence. I think about dying and suicide frequently. Although I’m not sure I could commit that. I just wish I wasn’t with him. He is and always has been difficult. I told myself for ages, that really, he means well and is a good person. But I’ve stopped believing that. Walking on egg shells is a term used a lot. It’s so easy to say or do something innocent which meets with anger and criticism.if I want to ask him something, the words go round and around in my mind for days or weeks as I know his likely response. It’s best not to say anything. Timing is a huge issue with him. He specifies what time things must happen. If anything goes over time, the world will end ! When my Father was dying in hospital, upon visiting and on arrival, I was informed by my partner we had to leave by a certain time. When sitting with my Father, my partner sat flicking loudly through magazines, huffing and puffing and looking at his watch. So understanding and supportive wasn’t he !! He doesn’t talk to anyone the way he talks to me. I feel I’m doing someone else a favour as no one else would put up with him. If I left , he would fall apart....that’s what I keep telling myself, although it’s me who is falling apart It’s just a waiting game ....waiting to see who dies first...me or him. |
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KLW 6:23 AM Sat 23rd Feb, 2019 |
I can't breath around him and our many kids (ASD/ADHD) They suck the air out of me. I had NO idea about his ASD/ADHD before we were married 20 years ago. He LOVES his career (he is quite successful-- due in large part to the team of people around him who also get the life sucked out of them) I live with an emotional hangover each and every day-- I am physically exhausted. I now take medication for anxiety--- I never know what new surprises my ASD/ADHD husband and multiple kids will offer to me each day. Back against the wall, I gave up my career to give my kids a fighting chance in this world. I had too many missed work days running to the school to assist when one of the kids had a meltdown.... why even bother trying to keep a career--- I can't when the school needs me because my kid caused another lockdown because he/she tried to run off of the school grounds. Married to ASD and raising kids just like him is a prison sentence---He really is another child to me. He doesn't see the wake of emotional destruction he leaves in his path---- He has no understanding of his rude behavior and arrogance. He does not understand how horrible his behavior is towards me. He is horrible to our kids. (He thinks they are rude, have no filter, obnoxious, exhausting, and at times unlovable) Wow husband--- sound like anyone else living in this house!?!?!? My new "career" includes having no life and catering to the mental health needs of my family. Other daily chores include damage control due to all of the insults that pour out of his mouth for which he is completely clueless. Let's not forget the fact that if it is NOT a preferred activity-- he wants nothing to do with it.... that means 90% of what needs completed falls on me. He tells me that I am the issue in this marriage because I have turned into a total bitch, I am no fun, I am not fun to be around. Gee, do you think I might be salty because I am exhausted, anxious, and pissed because the one ride I get in this life is ruined because of my own poor choice in a mate?? I really am pissed at myself because I was fooled by his "normal" behavior before we got married. I often wonder if I am being punished for something I did as a child--- is HE my punishment?? I MISS feeling like me. I miss being happy. I miss sleep. I miss my career. I miss having friends. I miss feeling loved. I miss feeling an emotional connection to a partner. I miss feeling like I matter. Hell, I miss sex that isn't completely selfish. Thank goodness I have the best dog in the world--- that dog loves me unconditionally. |
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MB 6:10 AM Wed 13th Feb, 2019 |
I have recently split from my husband after over 20 years. I spent years wishing we could have a 'normal' family where two people work together as a team, and wondering why in 20 years my husband never once took the children out for the morning. I was never able to have a straight forward conversation. Instead we danced around from subject to subject as my husband avoided the simple issue I wanted to discuss. If I asked a second time he got angry. There was never a commitment to any plans. I was told that separation was wrong, and that God put us together, so we had to stay together. Now we have split he lives we my brother and our eldest son. Both my son and my brother see him as the victim he acts as, and blame me for everything. He has split our own family, and split my family too because I did not do what he wanted. |
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JB 4:23 AM Tue 12th Feb, 2019 |
I could have written these testimonials, esp. the ones by judith and Florida gal. Women are bullied into keeping quiet about the realities of living with a man on the autism spectrum. My husband's behavior changed on our wedding day. I was so shocked by his constant lying, verbal and physical abuse, I thought he had had a stroke or something. I insisted we go to a specialist university to have him tested as well as multiple therapists. He played the victim and found it amusing he could fool these "professionals". The so called "expert" at the university would not allow me to use the word autism, but got up in my face and started yelling axis numbers from the DSM at me......... This entire ordeal has seriously traumatised me. For a long time, I had nightmares about the psychologist from the university who I now know is on the spectrum. I am slowly coming out of my fog, but I am 65, sold my home, and gave up a job with good benefits. I have become very distrustful of people. |
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Dee 6:38 AM Fri 8th Feb, 2019 |
Marriage longevity does not prove love. |
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Jen 12:53 PM Thu 7th Feb, 2019 |
There is so little emotional and psychological help for NTs partners it just seems unfair. My therapist who works with Asperger’s patients is constantly dumbfounded by my life...because her patients tell her only what’s important to them. None of them tell her about their 'gibberish' when manic, the constant cussing out their spouse, their meltdowns. None of them tell her about their faults, miraculously believing they have none. |
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M 2:53 PM Wed 6th Feb, 2019 |
I can't thank you enough for this wonderful validating site. The real painful truth about what we NT partners suffer has been stamped on and ignored for too long. We have been bullied into silence by the autistic advocates who vehemently deny their bad behaviours and instead blame society and everyone but themselves and totally deny the severe intolerable suffering inflicted on the NT. It's time our voices were heard! Thank you again |
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Paula 3:02 PM Sun 3rd Feb, 2019 |
Autism/Asperger's is the only disability that doesn't know it's disabled. it's not different, it's a developmental disorder. |
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Jess 4:26 AM Sun 3rd Feb, 2019 |
I found pages from 192 onwards of No Team Player conducive to restoring sanity as is the Chart: "Effects of Differing Neuro/Developmental Levels on Neurological/Autism Spectrum Adult relationships". Helped me to see how we differed and how it wasn't my fault why the relationship didn't work out. |
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Pierre 8:18 AM Sat 2nd Feb, 2019 |
Professionals recommend I detach from particular interactions in my NT/ASD marriage to save my physical health and emotional sanity. That means they still want me to be selectively connecting in this relationship. There's huge irony in this since there is no connecting with them at all in any meaningful way in a marriage, ever. Disconnecting by physically leaving is the only way. If one has to remain for economic, age or other reasons, then completely disconnecting emotionally is the only alternative. |
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Judith 7:30 AM Fri 1st Feb, 2019 |
Professionals and others with vested interests in and around the ASD community, use the words “evidence based” to imply neurotypical (NT) spouses’ narrated experiences in their relationship are unscientific, therefore not true. What this suggests to the NT is, “We don’t really believe your experience. We, the experts, will tell you what your experience is and should be,” completely denying the lived knowledge of the NT…………Professionals within the AS community continue to ignore innumerable, unsolicited NT testimonies over decades, all describing the same life-experiences with their ASD spouses. There are several well conducted research papers which back up the NT spouses’ experience……………Couples counsellors and therapists add the proviso on NT-ASD couples counselling, that both partners must make a serious commitment to making the relationship work. These therapists fail to consider the fact that the definition of ASD, describes rigid, unchangeable routines; mindblindness and lack of Theory of Mind, creating an inability to see and understand another’s point of view; lack of insight by the person with ASD into their own behaviour and extreme communication difficulties: insurmountable obstacles to creating any type of real change in the behaviour of ASD adults in relationships. By definition, AS individuals do not do relationships well……………The advice offered to the couple is for the NT to completely change their way of operating in a social world and relationships, to accommodate the deficits of ASD, adding to the trauma and abuse of the neurotypical family members. This could be interpreted by NT individuals seeking support and assistance, as mal-practice and unethical by ignoring their input and experiences regarding their personal family life…………There have been no short term or longitudinal studies to prove NT-ASD couples counselling does effectively work, and is maintainable over time. Anecdotal evidence concludes that NT-ASD couples counselling has only a temporary effect on the marriage, and it quickly reverts to the previous difficulties. The person with ASD is unable to maintain the effort required. Expecting ASD individuals to do what goes against their brain wiring can be cruel and abusive to them and the way they view life…………….Gender bias is another enormous problem in getting efficient help for Neurotypical spouses from professionals. Many professionals treat NT females as neurotic and demanding, not knowing their own mind and having no common sense. NT-males in NT-ASD relationships seldom discuss their family problems with anyone because they are not believed. Society’s view of what a man is and should be, denies their need for respect, to love and be loved. It’s NT “men don’t tell” about domestic abuse and violence when they are the abused person. |
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RA 2:59 PM Wed 30th Jan, 2019 |
Professionals and “experts” do not get how the behaviour of adults with AS affects EVERYONE within the family. NT spouses, NT children, AS children...and who gets counseling and support? The person who has AS......totally ignoring every other person within the family. AS is a soul-breaking disability for people around them. |
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Florida Gal 8:44 AM Fri 25th Jan, 2019 |
I have been married to my husband almost 30 years. I was widowed with three small boys when I met this man six months later. Six weeks later we were married. He was so helpful and kind at first. I remember thanking God for giving me a new best friend………The minute I said "I do" everything changed. He was in the military and he let me know that his job came first. He would yell at me that I wasn't to ask him for anything or expect anything from him. I should continue to take care of the house and kids and when he was home, I was to consider that a bonus………He wasn't deployed or sent anywhere - it was just regular work hours. If I waited up for him to come home, I got screamed at because he assumed I would expect him to help with the kids the next day. I was so confused. I stayed up because I was a newlywed and I loved him………Physical violence came next and I was so ashamed. I kept thinking he just didn't understand what marriage was supposed to be…………Eighteen years into this travesty of a marriage where there was no intimacy unless he initiated it (maybe 5 times a year), he spent a night in jail for slapping me. We went to a no-nonsense counselor and reconciled. That lasted only a few months. Him screaming at me and threatening me got worse. By this time, he had ruined my credit by betraying my trust. I allowed property to be put in my name and he promised to make the payments. When things got tough, he made the decision to stop paying the mortgages and did not tell me until foreclosure was the only choice…………People close to me ask why I don't leave, but this is MY home and I don't have the money or credit to go anywhere. We now have separate rooms, but I feel like I'm living with a person who is just waiting for me to fail…………..He has always been the kind of man to hurt me more when I am already weak or struggling. It's often a nightmare, but I do have faith in God and my kids (including the two girls we had together) are out of the house and in healthy relationships………….I never planned to be in my 50s and living like this with a man who has no respect for me. I got my master's degree 13 years ago and he never acknowledged it - nothing. I was incredibly hurt after I celebrated his accomplishments and birthdays over the years. Now, I am trying with everything in me, not to let bitterness overtake me. Thank you all for sharing - it's good to know I am not alone. |
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Valerie 9:50 AM Tue 15th Jan, 2019 |
I got married in 1965, I was married for 14 years and had three boys. After all these years I feel I have found the answer I have been seeking. I loved him and bent over backward to be a perfect wife, a good housekeeper and an excellent cook. I know now that my Mother was Asperger’s. So, I understand the effects of her constant abuse and have suffered my whole life from the affects of this. Then I married another one. Lack of empathy when I was diagnosed with Meningitis, lack of empathy or caring with the 3 pregnancies of my 3 boys…………strange behaviors, going off and leaving me with a new born baby and no help. Never saying sorry, no interest in anything I did. Sarcasm, put downs, he never noticed anything I did like decorating the home, never noticed that I had my hair cut. Physical abuse. We bought a farm and then my fear became so intense as I watched in horror while my husband allowed my children to do what I consider dangerous things around farm equipment. My pleas to be watchful and protect them as they were only 7, 9 and 3 were ignored. He let my 9 year old drive a 40 hp tractor alone in the big field whilst he watched from the edge of the field……I got told I was nagging and that I was overreacting, too emotional. Then the youngest got killed going to the mailbox.........that was the end of my life as a wife and mother. It tore the whole family apart. It’s becoming evident that most likely both my surviving boys have the same thing.....ASPERGER'S!! The reading here has validated me, uplifted me………I’ll be 75 in April and this happened over 40 years ago! It’s never too late to heal, I’ve worked on it for years. Thank you for this website |
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Darcy 5:45 AM Sun 30th Dec, 2018 |
What David said below, I agree with. People with Asperger's are smart in some ways and they know right from wrong, they know when they’re hiding information that’s going to hurt you, they also know how to hurt you, they understand what causes pain, the problem is that they don’t have any empathy, so the very act of hurting you is of no consequence to them. They are unable to imagine what you’re going to feel after they cleverly deliver insensitive insults. And neither do they care. They’re too busy being pleased with themselves over having come up with something clever that’s biting, spiteful, punishing and painful for the recipient. Ever noticed how they can’t come up with anything clever that is complementary, encouraging, rewarding? They’re able to go out in society, have dinner at a restaurant interact with people and conduct business without completely offending anyone because they understand how to behave. However, it causes them a great deal of stress because the rigidity of their narrow operating rules, makes them really want to correct everyone on a regular basis………………….. At home they let their mask fall away. You will be at the whipping post daily as they vent their anxiety. No love, no respect or caring, no nurturing. They have complete lack of insight to your existence, needs, wants, anything that is you. You’ll be stripped and become invisible because of them ignoring you, after they use and punish you is the most effective way they have with coping with the universe; even as a partner that lives with you in the same house. They simply will never get you. They walk away from you mid-sentence because they simply don’t have any interest in anything you say. They’re only interested in anything that pertains to them specifically. They’re sometimes successful, can be intelligent, good at anything mechanical, systematic, anything that requires logic and is doable is appealing to them. They will not try to do anything they aren’t sure they can accomplish ahead of time. This makes life very boring as spontaneousness is non-existent………………. Don’t try to have a discussion about a picture hanging on the wall, they’ll look at you like a cow looking at a new gate. I’m three years into a relationship with a man who hid this from me, he had a previous diagnosis in his marriage (she left) but instead he has chosen to ruin my trust and compassionate heart with blame, pointing out every flaw he can find imaginable, as the excuse for treating me poorly on a regular basis. Rather than tell me his specific traits he was willing to cover up his dx, create a false façade and throw me to the wolves to preserve himself………….. Accountability is something they know nothing about. If you’re dating someone in the beginning and note there are what I call small glitches, some issues, communication problems, misunderstandings...take this as a sign to run the other way. These are not people that are inexperienced or can be taught anything, but have a fixed way of looking at the universe and use one part of their brain for all decisions, (more or less) being unable to integrate, synthesize, create and make connections between concepts. This will leave you reeling just trying to have a simple conversation. One of their favorite things to do is to pick out a key word from something you’re trying to communicate, string it together in a sentence of their own choosing, to fit their own world view: it twists the meaning, so in this way they are liars, although they sometimes don’t mean to be………………… I don’t think any of them should have a get out of jail free card. Asperger’s or narcissism the outcome is exactly the same. It doesn’t matter, it can’t be changed and your life will be empty emotionally, barren, lacking love and you will be the parent to an adult person who will criticize and blame you for everything that goes wrong. Asperger’s make a mess everywhere they go, emotionally damage everyone around them and then turn around and ask you what your problem is. If you want a reciprocal relationship built on trust, love, caring and respect run away from someone with ASD. If you want to be forced to parent a grown person, to have to do everything, have no emotional fulfillment and be blamed for anything that goes wrong in the their life, knock yourself out. I don’t mean to be hard on people with ASD but they can’t be cured. You will suffer a lot by the time you figure out what it is. You spend years trying to decide if they are a good person who sometimes does bad things or they’re a bad person who sometimes does good things. You can never really sort it out. It doesn’t matter, the effect on you is the same. |
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Kat 5:56 PM Thu 27th Dec, 2018 |
Unbelievable. I waited 15 years to find this web site and subsequent links. I have been in a "relationship" with someone with highly functioning (brilliant but broken) Aspergers for 15 years. We started out as a "couple", but since he has severe impulse control issues (we met online) and is a serial cat fisher, wound up "breaking up" in 2007. Of course, I have taken care of him since. He follows me around the country with his manipulation and I have saved him (2 evictions on my credit report, roommates without him working for four years) while he "Peter Pans" his lying, Bohemian lifestyle. Of course, now we are still roommates and he is working. But control issues? Manipulation? I lost my life here somehow. There should be a study on co-dependents and Aspies, because seriously? Match made in h e double toothpicks. Now? Try to shake off a lying, manipulative, Peter Pan man in his early forties who talks in baby voice while you are setting boundaries? I think at the end of it the other side of the autism relationship gets just bitter. Bitter pill to swallow since they don't change. I am getting him OFF my cell phone plan because the lies don't stop. Actually MOVING OUT or evicting him soon. Sad. So many people are like "la la la" autism awareness while the abused members of this sector, raised by the wrong parents are worst than psychopaths because they become permanent parasites. Angry and getting free. Can't believe I just now found this web site - - 15 years alter. PS? We are not a "couple" anymore - but he has managed to emotionally manipulate an additional five years out of me. Blech. |
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Margaret Connigale 2:56 AM Thu 20th Dec, 2018 |
My husband had a late diagnosis of autism 5 years ago. Life has been hell and I almost lost all sense of self worth. This site has been so helpful. |
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David Jones 7:00 PM Tue 18th Dec, 2018 |
I've shed a few tears reading your experiences. For anyone considering or starting a relationship with an Asperger partner - think again and again. At the moment the attention you're getting isn't real, you're just the latest special interest they call them - an obsession we call them. The masking or role playing is being used to cover up who you are really with. Later as the mask slips you'll find yourself, your very sense of being slowly, but remorselessly undermined 'death by a thousand paper cuts' There will be the self serving manipulation. The control - we eat now, we go to bed now, don't laugh, don't smile it upsets me. The tantrums and physical violence for merely having the 'wrong look' on your face. The cruel jibes and insults designed to hurt and undermine. Never hearing the word 'sorry'. Walking on eggshells. The new obsessions paid for regardless of any monetary consideration. The social isolation - never going out and meeting anyone together, the outbursts in front of now lost friends, the fear of bringing anyone home. The endless droning monologues about the latest obsession.The hours of never being spoken to except for some demand or another. Never being hugged, kissed, chatting about hopes, dreams or aspirations. Never sharing a laugh. My health and wealth have gone, I'm tired - but you still have a chance to lead the life you deserve. |
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Tiki 4:45 AM Fri 14th Dec, 2018 |
Why are NT workshops always run by an Aspie who has no idea of what it�s like to be an NT? I�m speaking from experience in Australia. |
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Gordon 4:52 AM Mon 3rd Dec, 2018 |
Thank you for your webpage on Post Traumatic Relationship Syndrome. It is good to know it�s not "all in my head", even if, now it kind of is. I am really broken and trying to raise a kid without raging against the abuser that has him the other half of the time. I just wanted to thank you � I share your website, its great information. |
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Rosie 5:22 AM Sun 2nd Dec, 2018 |
When we first married, 25 years ago, I did not know he had Asperger�s. On our honeymoon he told me that I was smothering him with kisses and to stop. I was so confused. He also would go to bed and not say goodnight to me when we were first married. I was shocked that he would do that... he also would hide from me so that he would not have to kiss or do anything with me. I was hitting rock bottom emotionally by then and it was only the first year of our marriage. My parents were not supportive as they didn�t believe me. My husband started to degrade me after a year of marriage...saying I was too thin or I had gained a few pounds and that was unattractive to him. He used any excuse not to be with me sexually. I started to become really down and went for therapy.... but at this point I had no idea he had Asperger�s. I thought I was the one to blame. Then a counsellor from the church told me that he had all the signs and symptoms of Asperger�s. This was 5 years into my marriage. I asked his mom about it and she said the reason she got divorced was because her husband was so cold and aloof. She said that her son (my husband) saw me as a threat... If he got too close to me ...he might have to have sexual relations with me and this was what he felt threatened with. Then I spoke with his grandmother and she told me that her husband... my husband�s grandfather... was cold as ice... She said the only way to see him was to go to the yacht club. All 3 men had Asperger�s... it has a genetic component to it� I learned to distance myself from my husband... if I can call him that... he is more like a brother. We don't even share the same room anymore and he is fine with that. I've come to fear him ...not that he ever hit me physically... but he can ruin me mentally... He plays mind games. He would hug me in the morning and for the rest of the month ignore me... not look up from his book ... walk away in the middle of my sentence because he had something better to do� I've learned I can't handle that mentally anymore. I keep my distance from him. No arguing or hanging out with him. It's pretty much a dead marriage. I have 2 children just out of college and I have to say that I feel so lonely without them ... I miss when they were little�the hugs and kisses that I never got from my husband... I always got from them. But now I live with a husband who loves his quiet time alone... very solitary unless there are men to go fishing or boating with. I just feel so lonely and sad that 25 years have gone by and my little ones are now 21 years old and have lives of their own. I want them to be independent... and I am happy for them. I just wish I had a real husband... instead of a man who is like a five year old emotionally and a teenager intellectually. I have to say that if anyone even suspects that the man or woman they are going to marry has issues with kissing, holding hands etc... Please Leave that person. There is no cure for Asperger�s syndrome and the majority of spouses I have talked to are depressed/anxious/etc. My husband also cannot handle normal life events... if anything goes wrong... if the children get sick or things don't go his way... he talks a mile a minute, gets agitated, has almost a panic attack... I have to handle all the messy stuff by myself. He can't seem to look in anyone�s eyes... he has no clue to open a door for an elderly woman or man with a walker... Also, no empathy or compassion... but if something bad happens to him� he wants to talk about it and have me reassure him that everything will be okay. I hope I can get some coping skills to help with feeling so lonely and blue and also contribute to finding ways to help me. |
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Joanne 12:21 PM Tue 13th Nov, 2018 |
I just read the open letter from Sophia Morgan, 2014. It was very helpful and made me feel validated and sane. I have reason to suspect that my husband of 15 years has high functioning Asperger�s. The revelation is recent and still fresh. The more literature that I read and testimonials, the more pieces of the puzzle fall into place and seem to point to AS. So, now I ask �What do I do now?� My conclusion at this early stage of awareness is to keep myself intact by gaining knowledge and finding support where I can. Hopefully a window of opportunity will open, where my husband will be able to listen to someone who can shed light on the situation for him. As his OCD and anxieties increase I am hoping he may get fed up enough toward people for relief and listen to professionals. But I have my doubts. As for me, I feel safe in the sense that he no longer lashes out physically. I will not tolerate that anymore and he is afraid that I will leave. I hope that Sophia knows that her openness and taking action to share her experiences publicly, is greatly appreciated! |
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nurse 6:20 AM Sat 20th Oct, 2018 |
The healthcare industry seems intent on seeing autism strictly as a disease -- and even went so far as to essentially eliminate Asperger's from the definition in order to do it. But, that taints all research into the area: Which autism were they looking at? The non-verbal unable to use a bathroom or function independently? Or did they look at the Silicon Valley genius who made himself a few billion dollars? The difference is far more than a matter of severity. The analogy of the 40 blind men describing an elephant comes to mind: "It's long and thick" -- "It's broad and flat like a huge leaf" -- "It's rough and flat like the side of a barn". The Aspergian genius is as autistic as the non-verbal with Kanner's autism and his genius stems from his autism, not in spite of it. You can't look at only part of a condition and expect to produce valid results. It's fine to have a spectrum to describe the condition -- much like COPD describes a host of respiratory conditions. But you still need to have and to know the subtypes when researching or treating the condition -- just like you need to know whether you're dealing with emphysema or asthma. |
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Ceal 3:24 PM Mon 15th Oct, 2018 |
I'm so glad to find this site and see that others are also struggling to live with a spouse on the autism spectrum. I'm 61 and 5 years into the relationship. I left my community to be with him in a distant place where I knew no-one but him. He is retired and I am disabled although I work part time. The first two years were relatively good although I often felt very isolated and lonely. Thank goodness I had my grown-up son and more recently more friends, especially women friends. He's highly intelligent in some areas and that's a lot of what attracted me to him. But having an ordinary conversation is very difficult. He proclaims his opinions and cannot seem to deal with the normal back and forth of debating an issue. I'm an academic, very used to rigorous debate so this was hard for me. I’m ok with sometimes being alone which is why our relationship hasn't totally collapsed. Normally he is kind, friendly and affectionate but he can go into a rage if I challenge him on anything. His reaction is to attack and blame me for whatever is wrong. He helps very little with household chores and absolutely none with food. He mostly lives in his own world with very little need for interaction, except for sex which he pressures me quite a bit for. This is very hard for me when I feel so little emotional connection. It's probably the most difficult aspect of the relationship for me. It's hard but I'm not quite ready to give up. I wish I could find a way to make it work, but I realize he will never change, so all I can do is change my expectations and how I interact with him. Once again, all the work in this relationship is on my shoulders. Spouses/partners of people with autism really need genuine support groups, where they can share their experience. |
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Paula 7:42 PM Wed 3rd Oct, 2018 |
To all those neurotypical partners out there I would like to share my story in the hopes that it might offer some consolation to you. Three years ago I moved out of the custom built home my husband and I built into an apartment. I was in such a state of shame I am surprised that I could function.My family didn't understand why I could leave such a nice guy and good provider . It was a period in my life of intense loneliness and forever changed my relationship with my siblings and parents. Fast forward three years I am now in a condo I love, I have a legal post nuptial agreement with my husband that is satisfactory and although the romantic relationship is not viable the friendship and mutual respect has returned.I could not have gotten this far without the support of this site, a counselor well versed in the AS/Neurotypical dynamic and the deep women friends that supported me through this crisis. Sometimes I am wistful for the relationship that was only in my dreams and not supported by reality, some times I am saddened by how I have changed no longer a girl with girlish dreams but rather a tired middle age woman who would prefer peace and not the ups and down of a romantic relationship. But more and more I am quietly proud of how I am evolving into my truest self without the distraction of confusion regarding my feelings.Peace on your journey. |
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spouse 6:39 PM Mon 1st Oct, 2018 |
I am carer, coach, guardian, parent, teacher, protector, friend and social guide. I am NOT loved, appreciated, adored, cared for, considered, noticed, loved or wanted at times. Don't dare tell me this is fixable, my fault, imagined. It is a lonely, sad hell on earth being a spouse of someone with autism. |
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Gavin 2:23 PM Tue 25th Sep, 2018 |
I am the husband (of 28 years) of a wife with (undiagnosed) AS. Our daughter (20) was diagnosed autistic at 5 years old. My father-in-law was definitely AS (although undiagnosed). My wife's nephew has been diagnosed autistic. Very recently a friend of ours pointed out similarities between my wife and daughter. I had not recognised AS in my wife. I have been researching the web for information (there are masses). Your site has confirmed to me that my wife is certainly AS and I am suffering from Cassandra's syndrome. I have suffered from depression for around 20 years (diagnosed by my GP). I have been confused and lonely for a long time despite my tireless efforts to make our marriage work. Thank you so much for lifting the veil. I sent an email (to give her time to process) to my wife suggesting she is on the spectrum in the most loving and positive way I could. She had a meltdown and told me to f*** off. I think our marriage is over. To be honest I'm not so sad. I'm so grateful for your site. |
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David 5:38 PM Sun 23rd Sep, 2018 |
This is a very validating website, and I appreciate reading through others' experiences. Most of the posts are from women, but neurotypical men are victims of women with Asperger syndrome more than people realize, since the condition is under-diagnosed in women. In my own situation, I was completely fooled by a woman who was very charming, a great actor, who viewed me as her "special interest" for a while, until things got closer and she suddenly did a disappearing act, leaving me to wonder what happened. No response, no explanation, no empathy (even though they claim to have more empathy than normal). I was just suddenly discarded like an object. Although she told me that she had been diagnosed with Aspergers at one point in the "relationship" (I use relationship loosely, because it was always difficult to connect with her emotionally), it was not soon enough. I would have appreciated knowing earlier so that I could have been prepared for this kind of behavior and get out before being hurt and confused. The irony here is that the Asperger online community (or "high function autism" community) has become a group of militant activists who claim that they are superior to the rest of us, claim that they deserve special treatment because they have a disability, and claim they don't intend to hurt anyone. Although I have some compassion for their situation, I also don't think they are being completely honest. In my experience, "aspies" are smart enough to know what they're doing, and they're smart enough to realize that they are often willfully hiding something from us, something that will cause us hurt. And they do it anyway, because of their own selfish needs to not be alone. Well, I'm sorry if they are alone because they lack empathy and social skills, but it's not my job to fix that problem for them. Don't give them a pass, just recognize the disorder if you can and run in the other direction as fast as possible, before it consumes you and causes you to question your sanity. I'm still recovering. |
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Joan 4:48 PM Tue 18th Sep, 2018 |
I read the final step of SALVE for neurotypicals on the FAAAS website and these 2 quotes stood out: "No therapy, couple counselling, pill, diet or to-do-list can unwire an autistic brain and thereby delete the autistic impacts in an NT-AS relationship." "Lorna Wing, a pioneer in the field of understanding autism spectrum disorder, made it clear: There are basically only two options for the NT spouse of a person with Asperger /high functioning autism. Either accept the AS/Hfa partner as he/she is; or terminate the relationship." |
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a-nony-mous 3:35 PM Mon 17th Sep, 2018 |
I am lost. I am so lost in my life that I actually feels like it's not worth living as I don't know how to find my way again. I read this quote this morning … “Do not minimize the extent of my having been changed from a vivacious, sensual, happy, loving, athletic, healthy, wealthy, bright, articulate, fairly socially adept human to being melded and molded (sic) to accommodate an autistic adult into exactly the opposite of who I am for the sake of a one-sided relationship.” … and I just burst into tears. I feel so different to how I know I used to be. I am suffocated, I have for some ungodly reason been suppressed and moulded to my husband’s ‘funny’ ways. I can’t believe how much I have changed but why has this happened? When I met my husband of 11 years, I had been in several relationships before and thought I knew what I wanted. In fact, I had a list of pre-requisites. Why then did I get hooked up with a man who ticked very few of those boxes? Some of my previous relationships had been unsuitable in some way or another and a big factor in finding a new partner for me was to find someone who was intelligent, financially independent and preferably with no acrimonious ex-wives or children to have to deal with. My husband was just about to turn 40, had never been married, had a well-paid job and seemed pretty independent. If I am honest with myself, deep, deep down I had reservations right from the start but well, I just find it very hard to explain. He smoked and drank a fair bit, had lots of tattoos and was not a fashionable dresser. We had a common interest in music – which I subsequently see that is also a marker. He seemed very cool (as in distant, as opposed to hip/trendy), seemed like a gentleman and was willing to make the effort (he lived 60 miles away from me and seemed happy to keep driving over to mine). I also have a pre-programmed wire inside me that insists that I make everyone I meet feel comfortable. Little did I realise that by doing that, I was actually feeding what I now realise to be Asperger’s. I see now on reading these articles that a man with Asperger’s will mistake that interest as love/or a relationship and of course in those first few months, he did do the normal things any normal person would do. He seemed to show interest, he shared stories about his family, we went to dinner, I was wined and dined. And classically, he is an engineer. His job took him away from home for weeks at a time but when he wasn’t working he was home 100% of the time. This arrangement suited me at the time as I was a professional with a good job, a single mum to boot and very independent. I was in a peculiar situation in my own life at that very point in time, a crossroads if you like. I had intentions of giving up my well-paid job of 28 years to help out with a terminally ill family member but at this time of dating my would-be husband, the family member died. I had left work, so had no income and my direction had totally changed, I let myself drift into a deeper relationship and moved in with my husband in his home town – even though I had left a beautiful, modern town house and moved in to his ex-council house which was very poorly furnished and seemed like a bachelor pad. Did I take this on as a job, to change the house, to change my partner, to keep trying my hardest to please him? I think so. My daughter was 12 years old when this was happening and I had high hopes of my new man becoming more of a father figure. Someone to help me out a bit, help with homework and have a normal relationship with my daughter, take her swimming or to the cinema (none of those things ever happened.) It pains me hugely to think of this now as I feel I ruined my daughter’s teen years. They never bonded nor even got on. My husband (I will call him MH for my husband) had nothing to do with her. I don’t mean in a very obvious way, it was more subtle; never coming to school parents night’s, never showing any interest with anything to do with her, not communicating with her, I mean literally barely talking – my daughter and I were both desperate for attention. He would be most obsessed on how untidy her bedroom was, or how she was untidy around the house. He NEVER EVER gave her ANY praise for anything, only to whinge about her untidiness. When her school friends would come round for dinner, we’d sit around the dinner table chattering about the day/school, I mean myself, my daughter and her friends. MH would be silent and not join in at all. The atmosphere would always be uncomfortable so we learned to just have her friends around and do fun stuff when my husband was away at work. Not realising about Asperger’s back then, I’d just keep trying to do bigger, more outrageous things to get a reaction out of MH. Any reaction. He seemed without emotion. Buying bigger and bigger presents: I bought him a brand-new motorbike to see if I could make him jump for joy one year and was sorely disappointed. Our sex life, which had started out ‘okay’, I mean just ok not brilliant just went downhill. I had always been very open about sex and everything to do with it but had slowly found over time that MH not only did not want to talk about it, he seemed to have no sex drive. No warmth, nor physical affection. It was almost as if he did not know how to flirt, how to be sexy, how to give compliments, how to be around a woman. He would be EXTREMELY uncomfortable if I tried to explain or show him what I liked, what worked for me, he simply did not want to know and was very rude to me if I tried to talk to him; he said it was too clinical to talk about. Or he’d just walk away when we were in the middle of it as he said he felt I had put him on the spot to perform. So, I couldn’t show him, I couldn’t talk to him – how exactly was I to communicate what I liked? One time, in the early days, he went down on me but was too forceful, it was painful and when I said so, he really took exception, was super offended and said when he’d done the same thing for a previous girlfriend she had liked it. Needless to say, that was the end of that type of foreplay. He only ever preferred sex in the morning, in bed. No other options. No spontaneity. So, again rather than be rejected time and again, I gave up instigating sex, so now we just do it when MH wants. Usually same time, same place, same position, same movements, like line dancing; same moves every time. If he climaxes before me, he’ll roll off and that’s the end of that. If I say I need to be satisfied, he does nothing. There’s no touching, no talking so I end up feeling so uncomfortable I end up not bothering. I felt depressed. I thought it was the house we lived in. We had a neighbour-from-hell next door which I couldn’t do much about and our house was a dowdy colour of brown, at least this was something we could change. I asked again and again if we could move house or at the very least, paint it but MH was happy in that house. He had picked it and it was as much part of his routine as breathing. To surprise him while he was away at work I decided to do paint it myself. I bought the brushes and exterior paint and hired a scaffold – when the lorry arrived with the scaffold the guy asked who was going to help him unload the scaffold poles and erect the scaffold and was floored when I replied ‘just me’. He took pity on me and although he was not allowed to, he helped me put the scaffold up and I then spent the next 6 weeks clambering up and down the damned thing painting the whole exterior of the house with a 4” paintbrush (in between doing my new job and being a mum). It was really difficult, hard work. I had to clamber up and down the scaffold and had to keep moving the scaffold into position around the house and then back again to do a second coat. I was covered in bruises and ached from head to foot but was enormously proud and happy that I had managed single-handedly to complete the task and now the house gleamed in a new brighter shade of magnolia. I couldn’t wait for MH to arrive back from work to admire my handy work. (He had been away for 10 weeks and the house was gleaming, it was immediately obvious as soon as you turned the corner into our street – it looked like a new house). His car rolled onto the drive, he jumped out, gave me a tiny unfeeling hug and said ‘hi, allright’… no more. He made no comment on the house. I was crushed. As went indoors, I said “well? Is that it, just Hi.” He turned very moody instantly and snapped “give me a chance to get in the door, for goodness sake”. He has yet to acknowledge my superhuman feat. I can’t remember if it was that occasion or another when he came home (away at sea again for 10 weeks – I’m thinking we will be falling onto the welcome mat at the door for a passionate session but I had been told off previously for jumping on him when he got back – he’d say he had been travelling for hours and needed time to rest!!) - I had parked my car diagonally across the drive and not left enough space for his car (he had been travelling for a couple of days and I had no idea when he was arriving). He harboured that grudge for 5 years before he brought it up in an argument!!!!!! That’s because our biggest problem is communication. There simply is none. I have read self-help books and tried everything I can think of to try to communicate with him but none of the tricks in the psychology books or self-help books have worked. And routine. Oh, the routine. The same food on the same nights of the week. AAArrgh. It drives me nuts. He drinks too much, watches tv and like to play solitaire on the computer. ‘Hey hon,’ I say ‘Want to play scrabble?’ ‘No’ he says…then 5 minutes later he is playing solitaire. He would rather do that than interact with me, how hurtful is that? And the funny part, he doesn’t think that. Even when I have pointed it out. He just doesn’t get it. Why do I stay? I have invested 12 years of my life in MH. I am now almost of retiring age, if I leave now, my financial future is in ruins. I’m also a very loyal person and marriage felt like it ought to be for life, they were promises. MH never gets angry. He never shouts. We don’t argue (because he just COMPLETELY CLAMS UP, so I end up arguing with the wall). He puts food on the table and pays all the bills. He is polite and courteous. I’d like to say articulate but the only subject he will wax lyrical over is his job, when he will bore anyone to death with minutiae details to the Nth degree. I feel like a paid housekeeper. If I leave I will have to start all over and I just feel tired to the bone, tired of living and so, so alone. I think because of MH we don’t have many friends, he usually doesn’t like or gel when any of my friends, or is either boring or bores them talking about his work, or comes out with something inappropriate so I have become hermit-like myself and unsure of how to make new friends anymore. I feel like MH’s weirdness is rubbing off on me and I am becoming more like him. It scares me silly. I want to be free but I want him to be more like the person I thought I was hooking up with when we met. If I leave now, it’s 12 years down the drain and my daughters’ formative teenage years ruined. As soon as she finished uni, she left to live on the far side of the world from me in Japan. Probably subconsciously to get away from our uncommunicative life. She now has a huge social circle and lots of really close friends in total contrast to our deathly quiet home life. I miss her so badly. My family are all in another country. I feel so alone. I tried to tell my sister how things were not good at home but she snapped at me that at least I have a husband and he is a great provider. Because I have retreated from everyone, I have no direction. At least MH is a pillar of rigid boring stability…if I cast off then I would be totally adrift. I am frozen with indecision. Facilitator’s note: The indecision and confusion are part of Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome (OTRS). Add to that Cassandra Phenomenon where no-one who could validate your feelings believes you and then it’s a terrible mess for the rest of our lives. We lose our sense of who we are and what we want. It is brainwashing. They subtly manipulate and mould their neurotypical “carers” to suit their own needs. There is hope, if you learn all you can about AS and how it affects us. Gradually you will learn to emotionally disconnect from them and their confusing, controlling ways. It takes a long time to be able to do that. Please remember this is not your fault. You did nothing to encourage any of this pain. You were selected and groomed by an expert who camouflaged his real difficulties until he had caught you, then he manipulated and bullied you to change everything to the way he wanted his life to be. This is the autistic psychopathy Hans Asperger described, which is hardly ever talked about. |
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anonymous gal 7:20 AM Sat 8th Sep, 2018 |
Reading these is so validating, thank you all. I wish I could connect with some of you! I'm so exhausted, I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up. I've pretty much screwed myself over completely by getting married to this guy, who by the way occasionally can be one of the sweetest, funniest, most hardworking people I know, ironically. He's from another culture and language background than I am, and combine that with his being undiagnosed and keeping up his 'mask' while we were dating, well, he got me. Realizing that I've wasted years of my life with someone who is emotionally, physically, and intellectually unfulfilling for me...and not having any of my friends who understand... Really starved for deep conversation, sick of his unsanitary ways, tired of tip-toeing so he won't feel attacked, and tired of letting him always have his own way, tired of him putting his job and special interests ahead of me at every turn and then being confused at my lack of enthusiasm and energy. Months after his diagnosis I am happy to finally know I'm not insane, and to know the source of my depression, BUT I'm still married to the source of my depression. The night of the honeymoon was the only time we had sex without me initiating it. Before his diagnosis I'd have to work hard to interest him, and since (as I now know) he wasn't feeling the same desire I was, it took so much coaxing and stimulation for him to get into the moment, and that moment was really brief and unfulfilling. I thought he didn't find me attractive, and even once thought he must have been secretly having an affair. He was -- with porn. Post-diagnosis, I almost wish we never found out, because now it's clear that I'm with someone who has not developed mentally past age 5. So, I'd rather be celibate, because giving these how-to instructions in bed, to someone who is not really amorous but just humoring me, feels almost sick. I can't rightly tell him this, though, and now I suspect he is getting confused because his counselors have told him to show his wife more affection! He's kicked the porn at least. We're both from a religious community where divorce is only entertained if certain serious circumstances exist. Same for suicide; it's just not an option, though God help me, I think about it very seriously at least once per month. Right now, I'm pretty broke but I'm trying to teach myself web design/programming so I can be independent, get my own car and travel again like I used to. But sometimes I spend the whole day sleeping or web-surfing, instead of studying. I saw a lovely therapist for a bit but I could tell she was on Team Divorce. I try to take some natural anti-stress supplements. I try to talk with my mom but she has no idea. If you are dating someone with AS or suspect they are AS, please, please get out. Do not marry them; I mean, regular marriage is hard enough without the extra layers of stress and confusion. |
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Henry 10:32 PM Tue 4th Sep, 2018 |
I have been in hell for nearly four years. I am controlled, bullied, humiliated; my very sanity is in question sometimes and I'm scared to be me. I have had everything about me that I loved and enjoyed systematically stripped away through passive aggressive manipulation and a stifling, overbearing regime of manipulation and unbearable histrionics if I don't comply. I am kept awake when I'm exhausted because she wants to talk (endlessly complain) but if I want to discuss anything, it's shut down like I'm dealing with a child. I've been told to sit down while I'm berated and have been physically attacked for trying to leaver the room. The little free time I have is regimented and usually has to fit in with her wishes. I love being at work because I'm shown some respect and kindness. I dread the weekends. The endless boring monologues complaining and rambling self obsessed, dry lectures. I'm given chores to do that she can't be bothered (pretty much everything that isn't one of her obsessions) with and then criticised from the sofa at every step. The slightest request is met with anger and irrational venom and then I'm told that it's my fault. She'll stare at her 'phone for hours and then explode if I look at mine for a few seconds, demanding to know what I'm looking at or berating me for not paying her attention. Day in. Day out. I've been isolated from my family who she doesn't like and have no friends any more. I have no personal time or space. I'm constantly trying to prevent the next explosion over nothing and I'm so tired. She sits at home all day and does nothing and then mocks me for being tired when I come home from work and sigh about having to clean up. If it wasn't for the baby we have I'd run so far and so quickly. If anyone out there is able to escape do it now. It only gets worse. Imagine a hand around your throat that tightens a tiny bit every single day. Imagine no joy or sense of self. That's how it will be. |
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Steven 12:56 PM Sun 2nd Sep, 2018 |
Wow, I just started to discover "Aspies" tonight and it is saving my sanity. I was googling Abusive Relationships and after many helpful and interesting links I ended up here. Thank goodness, I feel a lot of relief and a ton of self-invalidation has been lifted off my shoulders. It's hard to be a man with an abusive wife. I see lots of women here talking about their husbands, and very few men. It might be that we men are a bit ashamed about tolerating this kind of humiliation from a woman. My wife and I seemed so happy for the first few years, and even though she was always a bit "different" I found her quirkyness fascinating and cute. She told me early on that she didn't understand other people very well, and that she had no ability to be diplomatic, but at that time she treated me wonderfully so I just listened and was curious about her stories. The one thing that bothered me in the beginning was that she seemed a bit shallow, even though she was quite intelligent. She didn't like to go into much detail about things and didn't like me to ask too many questions. She would say a sentence or two about something and that was enough for her, maybe a little more if it was really important to her, but it was always brief and to the point. But I love to talk and really go into the details about things, so I think she was just being polite to me in the beginning by listening to me when I wanted to talk, but eventually she stopped tolerating more than a few sentences from me. And if she said something I didn't understand, I was allowed one, maybe two, questions and if I didn't get it by then her anger would appear. It's now gotten so bad that I'm afraid to say anything, I can never predict what it is she'll react to, and she refuses to tell me what is going on; I don't know if she doesn't want to tell me or if she doesn't even know, but I suspect it's the latter. It was especially nice for me to read another person talk about how his Aspie wife would explode with anger when he said something emotional - that's exactly what happens all the time with me too, but I didn't get the connection - for me it was just a bizarre reaction. She says I am too emotional, which is super weird because no one in my life has ever said that about me! If anything, as a man, I probably could afford to learn to show more feelings not less! But with a wife like this it was making my head spin and thinking I was crazy. I've been taking her criticisms too much to heart and it has been almost making me ill. She constantly complains now about everything and it's like walking on eggs around her. I realize from what I read in the last few hours, that it's true that she thinks that everything she thinks is right, and if I accidentally do or say anything that she doesn't agree with she has to immediately attack. Everything is always my fault and there is no discussion allowed. Thanks for all of you who have shared your stories, it helps us keep our sanity to know we are not alone. I feel a bit bad because I know that she does not know any better. I think that's why many of us try to make it work, and so I can't judge either those who try to hang in there or those who finally give up and try to reassemble their lives and find some peace and happiness. |
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Piper 1:22 AM Fri 31st Aug, 2018 |
After 2 and a half years my Asperger boyfriend just shut down & has frozen me out. On our last date he snapped at me once again for daring to question it wasn’t so cold outside as he thought(?) I finally ventured to say I think you have Asperger traits but it seemed to go over his head. Later in the eve I decided to go home and not stay with him as I sensed he was on overload & irritable & needed his rest. Well after that all our dates fell through & he slowly started ignoring my texts. As it was we had a holiday booked a few weeks away & still nothing from his camp. After 3 weeks I drove over to his house & it was as though he had flipped a switch and I was now dead to him. Told me the relationship wasn’t working for him, when I asked why he said I was was very self centred , that I overrode his opinion on the weather, when I said is that all? He said he’d been thinking about things & it’s not working for him. When I mentioned the holiday he insinuated I had invited myself (huh?) what can I say, I was in shock but truly believe he did not want to fess up to his issues. Frankly I’m relieved as I was not getting my needs met, never a compliment, no words of love & all his other relationships fell apart which of course he blamed on the ladies. He was so kind & attentive in the beginning but then the mask slipped. Just shocking how cold he became when he wrote me off. |
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JJ 10:28 AM Thu 9th Aug, 2018 |
I spent 6 months in a relationship with someone undiagnosed with Aspergers. It took me at least another 6 months to work it all out and finally put the pieces together. On the outside, my ex was a person who seemed quite 'altogether' - good looking, sporty, ambitious and charming. However, in the end I realised he was incredibly good at masking the fragile self who was plagued with low self esteem, OCD, anxiety and depression. In our relationship, there was poor communication, poor conflict resolution and intimacy issues. I am so grateful and thankful to have walked away but I feel sorry for any future partners who are yet to experience the confusion and unhappiness of dating someone like him and will be left not understanding what went wrong... |
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KM 8:55 AM Tue 7th Aug, 2018 |
The neurotypical can come to believe they deserve to be ignored. They develop coping mechanisms similar to psychic numbing, where their own feelings become invisible to them. They develop a “tough cookie, no fear” exterior to get past their feelings of loss and grief for their circumstances. Few researchers have honestly looked at the trauma suffered by neurotypicals who are subjected to constant disregard by their Asperger family members. The result of this disregard is what could be called invisibility. The daily trauma of being invisible to an Asperger parent or partner who holds the neurotypical emotional hostage in his or her own home can best be described as ongoing traumatic relationship syndrome (OTRS). |
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Judith Newton 7:16 AM Sun 5th Aug, 2018 |
To all the people who so generously sent testimonials to date we want to let you know we had problems with the website and sadly have lost some of them. The timeline of posting from 2011 has also been lost. This won't prevent us posting your testimonials in the future. Thank you most sincerely for your support. |
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Hope 10:37 AM Sat 4th Aug, 2018 |
I appreciate everything I have read here! I am in the 6th year after a divorce from a husband, who I am sure has undiagnosed Aspergers. Our 17 year old twins daughters, have one who is extremely gifted, and the other who has mild or high functioning Autism. I am still trying to recover a sense of self, or some hope or interest in dating again. Very scared am I, but I have at least met two men who are kind and well related. My former husband is an electrical engineer, who is probably a genius, but was often very unkind to me, usually with little to no empathy for me or my life. The relationship had become abusive, with me running after him trying to get crumbs of kindness or attention or empathy. |
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E 10:33 AM Sat 4th Aug, 2018 |
I just wanted to pass on a sincere thank you for the article: Emotional Detachment: Surviving Ongoing Abusive Relationships.This is so very helpful to me at the moment and I am grateful to have stumbled across it. |
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Sabrina 10:26 AM Sat 4th Aug, 2018 |
"Mommy" is tired of answering questions. But I don't have any actual kids in my home. I have a husband with autism. No, I don't know what that thing on the carpet is. No, I don't know what that paper in the front yard is. I wish you could get out of your recliner and go look since I'm making dinner with a headache and three weeks of heart palpitations. I'm tired of being grilled for the most basic information that other people just intuit from normal interactions. You're locked out of your online bank account because I screwed up on the password a bunch of times because I didn't know you'd changed it. Oh, but 1,600 questions later, you're sort of understanding the situation. 'Did you actually mean 1,600 questions, because I only asked three questions and how is that "grilling?"' Mommy needs a break. |
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Dawn 10:12 AM Sat 4th Aug, 2018 |
I unknowingly married an Aspie after a period of being his special interest. Like everyone else has said, once the mask falls all you are left with is a special needs caretaking role. Like all of you I lived with the disgusting unsanitary habits, lack of hygiene, explosive anger, mistrust, constant accusations, rules, control, social gaffes, meltdowns, dishonesty...he admitted to his ASD and to having oppositional defiant disorder; but always denied that his disorders had any affect on me whatsoever. EVERYTHING was my fault or my children's fault- his kids were absolutely perfect and above reproach in any way. Blame was assigned for the smallest things- someone always had to be wrong. Everything out of his mouth was critical and angry. I too had a cancer scare and did I receive one bit of loving support? NO. Instead he had a three day meltdown and refused to speak to me or stay in a room with me- called me an aldulterer because a male doctor had seen the lump in my breast. He truly thought he owned me. If I was five minutes "late" home from the store I would get an angry phone call accusing me of using the trip as an excuse to meet another man. I was expected to report ANY words I exchanged with any other male to him immediately. If I ever failed say that so and so had spoken to me and he found out later, there was hell to pay. It was "proof" I was untrustworthy and I would have to "earn" his trust and my freedom again. All in all four separate marriage counselors strongly advised me to leave him. Finally I did, but not soon enough. My advice is if you can leave- just do it It will not get better. Ever. Stop wasting your time on delusions that they will change. They will change- but not for the better. Save yourself. No matter what the cost, it is worth it. I sleep on the floor, I eat from the food pantry. But I am free. It's taken me a long time to process the damage this has done, and will take me a life time to undo. Meanwhile despite his tears, begging, proclamations that he will never love anyone else, that I have broken him, that he would take a bullet for me, he moved on immediately. Was sleeping around before I even moved out. I was completely interchangeable with the next woman he could hitch himself to. Two weeks after I left he had introduced his whole family to the new "love of his life." You have value, you matter. You deserve so much more than a life taking the abuse an Aspie will throw at you. Especially when in the end they simply do NOT care about you as an individual at all!! |
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Red 10:11 AM Sat 4th Aug, 2018 |
Glad I've found this site or more terrified than ever. I have sobbed as I've read. I have an HFA husband who is deeply depressed and who has declined over the years, and a young HFA son. Feeling death by 1000 cuts. Devastated that this will be my only son's future. I haven't given up, but I think about it and pray for strength. What on earth to do. Haven't found any local support for neurotypical spouses. |
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Sharon 10:10 AM Sat 4th Aug, 2018 |
I'm finally starting to believe that it's not me regardless of what my spouse or others say. This is a strange relationship that requires me to see two counselors and take antidepressants just to remain in the relationship. It's a strange world where a counselor can make a living from dealing with my situation for one hour per week while I deal 24/7 and receive no compensation whatsoever. No financial, emotional, physical, or satisfying relational reimbursement. Conversely, I've lost so much emotionally, physically, and relationally that I don't know if full recovery is possible. |
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San 10:09 AM Sat 4th Aug, 2018 |
I met him when I was 20. He was my first Caucasian friend so I attributed a lot of misunderstandings to cultural differences. Fast-forward to 8 years later, we decided to date. He was somewhat normal initially, despite some arguments in the first few weeks of us dating. I learnt later on that he was told he might suffer from Asperger's and he promised to seek professional help. He never did. I brought it up a few times but financial limitations was always his excuse. We dated long distance before living together. It was years and years of nightmares living with an Aspie. Almost everything I said would be misunderstood and I would truly struggle to understand his point of view. He would assertively accused me of not listening. He was so certain I was the wrong one, the one to be blamed. He would get into drinking rampage and throwing tantrum in public. He would break things in the apartment. He often complained of oversensitive area of his skin and overly loud noise so I often couldn't hear his speech because it would be too soft and he would criticise me for shouting. I am aware that I am a little bit hearing impaired so I often attributed that to my problem. After another 8 years of struggles, I now have come to the acceptance that this Aspie is not my burden to shoulder. I cannot speak for all Aspies, but the one I lived with truly came off as being extremely selfish, cold-blooded and heartless. He would behave the same way to his own family such as his mother but his mother allows it because he is her Saint. Every now and then when he bothered, he would put in the effort to be sweet, kind and considerate, but that never lasts because it was too effortful. The lashing out and mercurial temperaments were the hardest to deal with. The constant accusations that it was my problem made me doubt my own sufferings that I succumbed to a relapse of clinical depression. Communication road blocks is the single biggest challenge in this relationship. I still have a lot of self doubt due to the traumas of being in an intimate relationship with this man. When I finally met his family, I found out from their oral accounts of his childhood and realised he had always been 'odd' but intelligent. His childhood friend confirmed that and had advised me to move on. His best friend consoled me by saying, "At the very least, he won't cheat." What I wanted to add here is that your suffering and pain are valid. Aspies have a way albeit unintentionally to make you lose all self worth, self esteem, self respect, and your sanity. Living with an Aspie is truly a nightmare. On my part, I am most grateful to a few of our mutual friends who courageously spoke out truthfully to me. One mentioned that his treatment of me was akin to domestic abuse. Another mentioned that our group of friends had been whispering about him having a normal girlfriend. One honestly confessed that it was extremely frustrating to communicate with him. For these people, I am forever indebted to. Thus, I am speaking out. Hopefully any of you reading who are considering being intimate with an Aspie will make an informed decision. |
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Heidi 10:07 AM Sat 4th Aug, 2018 |
I'm a psychologist and cannot believe I missed the signs that he has Asperger's. All of the signs were there: stimming, repetitive behaviors, rigid adherence to routines, overly intense eye contact, odd beliefs about social interactions, lack of empathy, etc. He was amazing while we were dating, but the second we became engaged, it all came flooding out. We would fight constantly. His rage was unbelievable, and it would take him days to weeks to calm down. During one of his rages, I would get 100s of text and emails telling how horrible I am and how it is all my fault. It was always over something he thought I was saying as a slight to him or something that violated his precious rules. He became verbally abusive, would accuse me of all manner of things, tell me I was being irrational if I got upset, and made everything about him. He would ask me about my feelings, and then immediately invalidate them and take them on as his own. If I said that I felt betrayed, he would tell me why I couldn't possibly feel that way and that it was he who felt betrayed. Then that's all I would hear about for the next week...how I betrayed him by saying I felt betrayed. We went to therapy, and I specifically chose a psychologist with strong relationship therapy skills. The psychologist told him that I was the one being verbally abusive!! Apparently me saying "what if I said this to you...how would that make you feel?" was me being abusive. After a year of this I asked myself what was happening. I'm a psychologist! I can communicate effectively with anyone and problem solve with the best of them. Why couldn't I just get through to him or meet his standards? It was while I was doing a training on testing for Autism for my coworkers that it hit me that he has Asperger's. I ran it by him, and after doing some research, he amazingly said that he agreed that the diagnosis fit. After another major fight, he went back to the see our old therapist. The therapist told him that the "emotional outbursts" and difficulty with communication between he and I was not due to his high functioning Autism but because I clearly have Borderline Personality Disorder!!! My hope that he would finally get some help in recognizing that he verbally abuses me and that I'm having emotional breakdowns as a result was thrown out the window. This quack of a psychologist dismissed all of his Autism symptoms, excused them away and slapped a diagnosis on me instead. Never mind that I've never had any difficulties like this in past relationships and have friendships with people Ive known since I was 3 years old. Never mind that I've always been described as the "unemotional one" or the "rational one" or the "guys girl" because I think more like a male. I tried to stick in there and at one point even considered that maybe he was right. Maybe it is me who has the problem. Thankfully, I work with a large team of psychologists who pointed out all of the flaws in that guy's diagnostic abilities. I finally left the relationship, but that didn't stop my now former fiancé from threatening to kill me. He threatened to shoot me but then said that wouldn't be as satisfying as strangling me. Of course, he couldn't understand why that made me soon upset and "irrational." But he then told his therapist that I was the one who threatened to kill him and that I'm suicidal!! The lies and manipulation are unbelievable. And there are many people who believe him. He has managed to make me look like the unstable one! I wish I had never met him. I'm still in love with the man he pretended to be in the beginning, and I have to remind myself every day of who he really is. I hate to say it, but my own profession failed me. We are ridiculously inept at understanding what it is really like to be in a relationship with someone with high functioning Autism. Part of me wants to change this, but the other part of me wants to run as far away from all things Autism as possible. |
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Katie 10:03 AM Sat 4th Aug, 2018 |
Do I have a right to call myself a NT spouse because the $1000.00 psychological work-up said he has many "behaviors consistent with someone who has AS." However because he didn't demonstrate any tics and could make eye contact during the evaluation, there was no diagnosis of AS. I am so frustrated, angry, lonely and at the end of my rope. He tics like a clock at home and makes overly intense eye contact with me or none at all. But at 46 years old he plays this game with the best of them. Various people don't believe me. "He sounds depressed." "Just play some music and get in touch with spiritual things." No! This is a four-alarm fire! I need the whole fire brigade. And to the person who posted about just being diagnosed with cancer September 6th. I'm so sorry about this scary event. And so sorry about your husband's outrageous response. |
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Skyrae 10:02 AM Sat 4th Aug, 2018 |
Here is a slice of my life with my ASD husband. I am told I have breast cancer by the doctor over the phone. During the conversation I text my H with the news. I hang up just as my ASH walks into the house. I am utterly devastated as you can imagine. He's furious. I forgot to unlock the garage for him and he had to walk to the front door. I tell him through my sobbing that it's been an awful day and I forgot. He yells, "Well then, keep the garage unlocked until you feel better!" I cry out that I just found out I have cancer! "Agh!" he barks back, "It's not such a big deal!" He remains angry for two hours about the garage. What was that really all about? His conclusion that my forgetting was an insult to HIM. It has been hard to recognize the disorder because Aspies can imitate NT's so well and appear very normal. There needs to be more societal education about this profound but often hidden disability so that people don't unknowingly have to go through this hell. I read about how Aspies have too much feeling, too much empathy. That is such nonsense. They may think empathy, but do not feel it. They may think feelings but do not truly feel them. The experts need to get real. The emotions of those with ASD are more like SPONTANEOUS REACTIONS, Like screaming when startled, laughing at a joke, or their outbursts of reactive anger, but no reflective emotion is there. The emotions of ASD are NOT REFLECTIVE, NOT INTEGRATED into or connected to an internal emotional landscape. For there is no internality to be grasped, or that even develops into an adult ego. ASD is a profound emotional deficit so that feelings are fleeting, fragmented and superficial and where any introspective capacity is extremely impoverished. There is no internal, felt sense of an emotion. What a disaster for a marriage. They should marry each other. |
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Paula 10:01 AM Sat 4th Aug, 2018 |
I am sure I am preaching to the choir when I say this but I would like to share a personal revelation that I had recently which has been very helpful. All along the way the problems with my husband who has Aspergers has had me seeking solutions, a cure, a corrective action that would fix this impasse which has caused me so much pain and profound despair. All of a sudden I truly understood what it must feel like to have a handicapped child ,one you would do anything for to make them better.Only a handicap is just that,something that is ONGOING not cureable. I forgot about the ONGOING part of this condition.Somewhere in my subconscious I must have thought, stubbornly I might add that the solution was out there .I only had to try harder. Remembering that it is beyond my ability every single day going forward to change this neurological difference has put the emphasis back on me and self care.Wishing you all the best as we move forward. |
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Stella 9:59 AM Sat 4th Aug, 2018 |
I just found this site. So many others seem to have tried everything, and after 20 years are at the end of their ropes or getting out. I just reached 20. I looked at the chart and saw the clear picture as my picture of an ordinary person expecting ordinary behavior from someone who is quite unordinary. It's a relief to think of myself as some kind of weird object to him. Or buffer. I can stop expecting any kind of human behavior from him, while still giving him a decent amount of respect -- and distance. I suppose my AS-behavior spouse can't change too much, but I can do everything I can to make my situation better, and to teach my daughter to insulate herself from his odd behaviors. I tried to get out of the situation once, and he refused. I understand now I'm a necessary object to him. Probably if I try to get out again, it'll be messy. I'm thinking about how to handle this the next time. |
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Anne 9:58 AM Sat 4th Aug, 2018 |
I've just read the book, and for the first time realised that if I am borderline emotionally it is a response to 30 years with my husband. I hate weekends and holidays, hate waiting for the next crisis, hate the thought of being alone with him when the kids leave. He acts like he hates me, then tells me I'm the only one. I want to find hope for the future, but it may not be together, because I don't feel that we ever have been together. I pray I have not damaged my kids. I feel like I have lost myself. Thank you all for sharing your stories, and please keep doing the research |
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Michelle 1:40 PM Fri 3rd Aug, 2018 |
I have been living with my undiagnosed aspie husband for a quarter of a century! For many years I worked with young children with ASD and in a cruel twist of fate my first born was diagnosed with severe autism. Yet I never saw clearly the truth about my own marriage because the daily trauma I suffered at the hands of my husband didn't allow me to think straight for even a moment. I have been blamed, lied to, screamed at, had objects thrown at me, pushed, kicked, slapped, threatened, intimidated, manipulated, bullied, abandoned, neglected, refused any personal space, denied every possible basic human need and then called selfish and demanding. I have been wished dead, isolated, humiliated, laughed at when crying and evicted from my home when unbeknownst to me, my husband found compulsive gambling to be the answer to all his issues. And not another living sole has seen any of it to give support to my claims. I have climbed out of pits of despair and loneliness, black holes of depression and found a steely resolve and iron will that I never dreamed I had in me. I have used every NT trait to my advantage and refused to be destroyed. I will cry no more over what I have dubbed 'the emotional cripple'. If he was paralysed, I would not keep pushing the wheelchair while he reached around every hour to slap my face (no matter what vows I made on my wedding day). I was deceived by a skilled actor who pretended to be someone he wasn't when we met and I have paid an astronomical emotional and psychological price. I have been a slave to my own empathy for decades because of this disorder. It may be hard to believe but I am not bitter, resentful or angry (anymore). I have justified, concealed, advocated for, protected, mothered, begged, assisted and enabled this man at my own expense for far too long. I cant save the drowning man who can't swim when he keeps pulling me under too. |
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Lara 1:39 PM Fri 3rd Aug, 2018 |
What an incredible relief to read all of your testimonials! Thank you for sharing your stories, you give validation to my feelings. have been desperately lonely throughout my 23 year marriage. Everyone thinks he's the perfect husband because when he's with others, he "interviews" them. He asks dozens of questions about them and never talks about himself. People take it for caring but it's not. It's just the way that he's learned to get along with people. When I tried to develop a support system so that I could get the strength to leave him, he called everyone to get them on his side. He called my friends and family and convinced everyone that I was crazy to want to leave. He even called my therapist and tried to get her on his side. In the end I gave up. Now, I'm almost 50 and I have a pretty short amount of time left on this planet. I don't want to spend the rest of my life controlled, manipulated, lonely and neglected, but I know that breaking up the family will be hard on everyone and that he will be ruthless if I divorce him. |
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Lynn 1:36 PM Fri 3rd Aug, 2018 |
I have been married to an undiagnosed Aspie for 28 years. Before we were married I was a happy, outgoing motivated goal setter. I started off our marriage optimistic for a wonderful future together but at each turn my husband would put me down for my enthusiasm and happy disposition. I worked hard at my career, in the home and rearing two children and he let me!! Doing the very least he could. To every question I ever asked his reply was always a NO! Eventually I entered into an angry stage for a few years then onto a bargaining phase where I blamed myself and went to relationship counselling 3 times by myself and a further 2 times with husband, not that it made any difference nor did the expensive relationship seminars I attended. I then went onto a phase of depression that has lasted 10 years. I have recently another 18 months of counselling. Why have I not left? I believed it would break up the family. Having known me as a fun loving positive Mum my grown up children believe I have become an irrational, over reactive drama queen. Their father in comparison seems a calm logical rational person and that is how he likes it. Now he sits back whilst my children do the criticizing and laps it up. In front of them he pretends he is completely competent but in reality it is only because every decision that has ever needed to be made I have been forced to make. He has effectively made me his substitute mother. He has seen me seriously ill, crying and distressed, asking for a divorce and not a flicker of emotion has passed his face. The loneliness envelopes me on a daily basis and it is hard to keep going. I have contemplated suicide a number of times as I cannot see a future where I am not stressed out and deeply sad. The worst thing is that my children cannot support me as they do not see what is really occurring but then I cant blame them as I only just realised what was happening myself. |
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Joesy 1:33 PM Fri 3rd Aug, 2018 |
The Effects of Differing Developmental Milestones chart is brilliant. It describes exactly why there's no connect in my marriage. His developmental immaturity precisely describes why I feel like his mother. I know he believes I am his mother. The title makes it really clear what the chart is about: Effects of Differing Developmental Levels on NT/ASD Adult Relationships. Loved the book "No Team Player" To see the truth of what a struggle it is was enlightening. |
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Star 1:30 PM Fri 3rd Aug, 2018 |
With my husband 20 years, married 15. I always thought it strange that he showed no emotion towards me, or empathy for others. I blamed tbe fact that he had been dragged up, by a alcoholic father after his mum died when he was 11. I felt his father never showed any interest in him, and subsequently my husband seems oblivious of social etiquette and boundaries. For years I made these excuses, but still begged him to get help. He would not talk to me, I felt he might talk to somebody else, his reply.....what good will talking do. My husband does not communicate how he feels, and our marriage has been in decline for at least 10 out of 15 years. I would be out for an evening and come home and my husband is masturbating in front of a porn channel, I walk in and he just grinned at me, like a bold child. I would vent my frustration, tell him I feel he has no interest in intimacy with me, and he would just switch out. No response, no reaction - just a blank expression. I would then leave his bed, thinking that he will have to make an effort and come to me................never happened. He never sought me out, he never apologised. This behaviour just made me feel totally ugly and unwanted. Domestically he is a disaster, cannot close presses, cannot put anything back where it belongs, if I put something back where it belongs, I am accused of hiding it. One day he drove his truck through our gates, there were 4 of us in the garden, he caught the side of the truck in the pier of the gate, damaged the passenger door, parked up, and when we told him what he had done he denied hitting the pier...........regardless of the massive dent in the door, the scraped paint, and the fact that 4 of us saw the incident. He is never wrong, and absolutely never apologises. Years ago, before we were even married he sent me a birthday card - from the man who cannot say sorry! He is self employed and has 8 staff, one guy once said to me that, he was a great person to have a row with, because he does not carry it forward, I now realise this is because he just files it away, forgotten, never to be mentioned again. He is obsessed with his work, to the detriment of all else, and does not seem to get any thrill from anything but work, I once asked him what excites him, and he told me that getting new jobs excites him. We have no children, my husband has no understanding of how procreation works, and told me a few years ago he had no idea how 'children were made', anything he knows about sex has been learned from porn magazines. Weekdays, he comes in from work, eats dinner and falls asleep, he falls asleep in company, in other peoples houses, watching exciting matches on TV, nothing holds his attention bar work. All of this I found extremely frustrating but again, I loved him, and used his miserable childhool as an excuse. Last year I was involved in a local festival and was very busy for a week or 2, this upset him, and he was acting very strange. I discovered texts on his phone from a woman, and it was obvious there was something going on. Then suddenly, no texts, so I knew something had changed, when confronted he looked at me as if I was mad. I then discovered he had bought another phone, I found it, and there were loads of messages. It was a full blown affair. Again I confronted him, cried, pleaded, but got no admission or explanation. He eventually saw sense and the affair finised after 6 weeks, he apologised, wanted to make our marriage work, filed the affair away, and continued to be switched off and uncommunicative. He agreed to go to counselling, but was unaware he had to participate, and would not go to the third session, his argument, what good was a shrink going to do. I am at my wits end, I have asked him to leave repeatedly, he keeps coming home, nothing ever gets better. I am worn out pleading and crying. It is so frustrating trying to have a conversation, he just sits and says nothing, and I get louder and louder, and more stressed. Nothing works. I have written pages of lettere to him, I don't even think he reads them, bought books, he won't read them. He shows no interest in either helping himself or us, and I am struggling to cope with him. I feel I am a breaking point, and it's far easier for me to have nothing to do with him than try to engage with him. I feel I have wasted 20 years with a man who cannot grow up, who didn't seem to know what he wanted to do with his life. He has never been able to talk about the future or make plans that do not involve his work. I told him this evening to leave, he was back in 2 hours as if nothing happened. Nothing sinks in. I don't know what to do, I can't shout it out to the world, I want to tell everybody, but still out of guilt and loyalty I keep it all to myself, and it is destroying me. I was coping reasonably up to the affair, as I honestly felt I was important, even though I wasn't told so, but being cheated on is something I cannot come to terms with, and consider it the final nail in the coffin, the proof that he never loved me. I feel like running away all the time....... |
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Stu 1:28 PM Fri 3rd Aug, 2018 |
We recently found out my wife of 10 years has AS. Three months ago I had only heard of it, and little did I know I've been living with it for so long. She accepts her diagnosis, I think, but what I don't see is much in the way of change, and I don't know how long I'll be able to hold on. I feel so lonely, I feel like I'm violating her trust by discussing it with anybody, so I feel isolated. It explains so much, but the initial joy of understanding that this is what we're facing is fading, and I'm realizing that I have the rest of my life with a spouse who doesn't realize that I'm so terribly lonely, or that so few of my needs are being met. |
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Denise 1:26 PM Fri 3rd Aug, 2018 |
I want you to know I read the last two chapters of your book again.The reading is a precise concentrate of everything important for nt spouses to know. And it helps me with remembering the pain. |
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DA 1:23 PM Fri 3rd Aug, 2018 |
I very much appreciate the work put into this site. This information provides answers that I have earnestly sought. Initially I did everything I could to make this person love me. Then I tried anything just to make my spouse stop complaining. I had to hide all my deepest hopes and dreams to keep him from tearing them down and criticizing them. I have been destroyed emotionally over and over, never understanding what was going on. He showed an unbelievable lack of empathy while making sure all of his needs were met. I had a mental breakdown last year and he made us see a marriage counselor because I was out of control. I thought "thank you God". He now realizes that he has been abusive emotionally, financially and psychologically. His control, criticism and neediness pushed me over the edge after 25 years. He is trying to change is behavior but finds it difficult. I have learned to place boundaries on his behavior and follow through with consequences which works pretty well. I do not plan to stay once the kids leave. |
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TS 1:21 PM Fri 3rd Aug, 2018 |
Your website is what I have been looking for, for decades-i am sure |
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Camille 1:20 PM Fri 3rd Aug, 2018 |
After an explosive "final incident", I escaped a 20+ year marriage to an undiagnosed HFa. I feel wounded, empty of feelings, but so comforted by reading all of the comments. I am not alone. I ordered No Team Player, and will also order Karen Rodman's collection of NT partners' writing. It would be wonderful to have a way to meet others in local support groups. Does anyone know of efforts to do this? It is true, this is a "lonely road." Hugs and loving thoughts to all of you. |
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DT 1:18 PM Fri 3rd Aug, 2018 |
I commend you on your bravery to say it how it really is. I agree with your article about counselling us and how the so-called experts try to get us to give more and more of our already depleted selves to support the AS person that they sympathize with because they themselves have the same traits. There are so few specialist counsellors in this area for partners that I am beginning to think that those who have a special interest in it are themselves somehow affected. I found "The Bottom Line" article particularly challenging but it confirmed for me what I already felt anyway at my core. Your site is so helpful. Keep up the great work. |
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Momma Bear 1:17 PM Fri 3rd Aug, 2018 |
Thank you so much for your article about Aspie parents with NT children and the negative emotional harm it can do to the child. I have been trying for years to protect my daughter and make excuses for him. She has felt for years that he does not love her and this is heartbreaking. At times, he seems very deliberately hurtful and vindictive. He raked me over the coals during a recent custody battle, accusing me of everything from child abuse to borderline personality disorder. I was mystified at how everyone in the community (who didn't personally know me), believed every word he said and the teachers and school personnel went out of their way to "protect her from the evil and dangerous, crazy mother." They were so impressed with his "prestige" and titles, position at work and career. Because he is higher up in the school system, this was used as a battering ram against my child and I. Her teachers were grilling her about if "mommy had any boyfriends" and other inappropriate questions that had her feeling humiliated and afraid to go to school. This clearly came at his direction. No teacher would spontaneously ask a child these types of questions -- especially during a reading circle in front of their peers! Had my daughter not developed very obvious OCD, and had I not finally found a competent, highly trained and world renowned doctor who works for an entire team specializing in it, nobody would have ever known her dad has Asperger's. Although he is not "formally" diagnosed, it has become very clear this is precisely what we have been dealing with for nearly two decades. All the docs there who have met with dad several times over the years clearly see this in him. Thank God for this doctor, who has put the kabash on dad's campaign of denigration and hatred against me (for the time being at least) and has been acting as a buffer and guardian angel against the emotional trauma that has been, and continues to be inflicted on my daughter. HE BELIEVES HER! SHE IS VINDICATED! And it is fantastic! I cried when finally someone could tell her why she felt unloved, unworthy and why dad was "flapping his hands and mumbling angrily every night at home" (this is called "stimming" - which I had never heard of). While dozens of others failed to recognize glaring problems with his behavior and would occasionally comment in their written notes that he "appeared odd" they still pointed the finger at me as being a vindictive ex who wanted to turn his only daughter against a wonderful and loving daddy. If she felt he didn't love her, it must be because I brainwashed her into feeling that way. She is just one more person he is unable to develop a bond with. He has zero friends. We've been divorced for 12 years and he has yet to have another relationship. He actively works to destroy people who oppose him (even by accident or from an offhand remark he takes as literal). He is such a wonderful actor. I can see it is an act and so can the very few people who have ever seen him in private, but he is so good at wearing the mask. It is very frustrating for my poor daughter, who sees two very different people in him -- the one in public versus the one at home. The trauma for children suffering from the tantrums, lies and play acting of the asperger parent is REAL -- even though almost nobody will ever believe them. What's worse -- it appears to be permanent. I have watched two daughters suffer because of his aspergers (one was not his and he appeared to truly hate her - and still does). I can't even begin to thank you for recognizing that not all aspies are "sweet, honest, wonderful people deep down who are just so misunderstood." I am not saying they are all evil. I am just saying that the hell they inflict is REAL and very painful for those in their sphere -- and THAT, also, needs to be validated and talked about!! THANK YOU and PLEASE keep up the research on this! SO MANY CHILDREN ARE SUFFERING WITHOUT ANY VALIDATION!! |
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Nathalie 1:14 PM Fri 3rd Aug, 2018 |
I am a 45y old woman. A year ago i decided to end my relationship with my partner after 19y, we have 3 children. All things considered all went well but i am struggling with finding my way forward, letting the past be the past, am feeling gulty allthough my mind tells me that i shouldn't. Reading the testimonials on this website is very helpfull, however i feel that i could benefit from having contact with other women that have gone through the same thing. In Belgium, as in many other countries asperger is not commonly known. Your website has allowed me a lot in accepting that it was not just me. |
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Asta 1:10 PM Fri 3rd Aug, 2018 |
When my sister, after being very supportive during the divorce from my ex AS husband for 43 years, stated that I was lacking self-perception because I still 3 years after the divorce am feeling depressed, i.e. that clearly I am the one with problems, I understood that I had to detach from the only person close to me nowadays. Simultaneously indicating that she understands why our children now have abandoned me, but not their AS father. How do we reach out, when will our problems be recognized and accepted? When will we be believed? When... |
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DK 1:07 PM Fri 3rd Aug, 2018 |
People will never understand functioning autism without your developmental chart of the deficits in developmental milestone explanations. I love them. They make it very clear what fa is. |
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susan 1:11 PM Thu 2nd Aug, 2018 |
The last two "new" articles are awesome! Still struggle with others not recognizing ex husband having Aspergers syndrome or perhaps admitting to it in an ex-husband. The article helps with validation and with moving on.Thank you! |
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Robert 1:10 PM Thu 2nd Aug, 2018 |
The author of No Team Player's life must be emotionally exhausting. The book was emotionally exhausting to read. |
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Cassandra 1:09 PM Thu 2nd Aug, 2018 |
I was married to a man with undiagnosed Asperger's syndrome. Went through counseling where the counselor knew nothing about it. Went through divorce and child custody case... courts know nothing about it. I have survived and reading websites like this is helpful. I want to educate people about it but I look like a typical ex wife. This is different especially where children are involved. I am not sure what my future holds but I plan to do something so the courts understand it more. I did not endure what I did for no reason. Good luck and God bless all of you! |
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Jenny UK 12:59 PM Thu 2nd Aug, 2018 |
I found it hard to put "No Team Player" down. I really liked the way the marriage issues were chunked down. |
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anon USA 12:52 PM Thu 2nd Aug, 2018 |
I am finding "No Team Player" quite rivetting. It is remarkable |
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Lea 12:50 PM Thu 2nd Aug, 2018 |
I finally and for the first time in 17 years feel validated. thank you.As I have been told by family members my expectations were too high, I have been asked not to talk about my husbands shortcomings as it is uncomfortable for them, I have been labeled by them, not professionals to be borderline personality disorder, therefore responsible for the problems at home. I have been accused by my sister of being an out of control addict, leaving wake of hurt behind me, as she percived my reactive behaviors which were really fear, lom\\nliness, unheard, unloved, depressed, isolated, emotional torture that no one else could see. |
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Jan 9:03 AM Thu 2nd Aug, 2018 |
Wow! At last a site that tells it like it is :) Thank you ;) |
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Gillian 9:03 AM Thu 2nd Aug, 2018 |
Just found this site. I guess in a while I will say this has been liberating and a relief but at the moment, I feel sick. way too much recognition of long-buried pain and no hope for future change. the articles are terrific. |
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Naomi 8:59 AM Thu 2nd Aug, 2018 |
Thank you for this wonderful site which makes me feel sane again!! Its a gift. |
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Jennifer 8:57 AM Thu 2nd Aug, 2018 |
The book, 'No Team Player' accurately describes the confusion and emotional anguish of a neurotypical spouse trying to make sense of her marriage to a man on the autism spectrum. All the communication difficulties, the lack of resolution to interactions between the two people and the mind numbing repetition of their life together is recounted in an honest, respectful way. The traumatic events occurring in the relationship are compounded by the disbelief of significant others in the author's life. She is further wounded by the actions of the professionals she consults, seeking answers to what is wrong and why can't this be fixed? The conclusions she arrives at are unexpected and confronting. This book also answers the question of, "What will my son look like when he grows up?" Neurotypical men with spouses on the autism spectrum are confronted with similar catastrophies in their relationship. |
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pamela 8:53 AM Thu 2nd Aug, 2018 |
This site has saved my life! The Effects of Developmental Failures in autism chart and the Cassandra Metaphor has saved my sanity. Thank you will never be enough but it is a start. |
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Robert 8:51 AM Thu 2nd Aug, 2018 |
The author of No Team Player's life must be emotionally exhausting. The book was emotionally exhausting to read. |
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Bridget 8:45 AM Thu 2nd Aug, 2018 |
Thank You for this website and for the awareness and insight that you have for people living with partners with AS. It is a very miserable, lonely life with a partner who never asks how you are and what kind of a day you had, nothing, ever.There is NO emotional connection on any level.It is a sterile life without joy, conversation, connection, no sharing, no looking forward to the future , no looking forward to next week! Everything is in the now.My husband has never been diagnosed and hides his disability well, at least for the majority of people.His dirty clothes, muddy shoes often with large holes and general poor hygiene and 'scruffiness' belie the fact that he is a Senior Architect in a World Class Practice!Family have 'covered up' for him for years and still treat him as a little boy even though he is 56! Professionals are dazzled by his Career and believe every word that he says, I am the 'problem'.I recognise that he is role playing.I was diagnosed with Latent TB Infection last week.The years of stress have probably reduced my immunity.When I told him , not a single word of sympathy or concern.On Sunday night he left to go abroad where he is currently working.His parting words were "I'll be back at Christmas" nothing else, no "hope you are better", "let me know how you're getting on", absolutely nothing! So at least your website validates our experiences and there is some comfort and support in that.It's like living in a mad world.It gradually erodes the spirit and crushes you.Outwardly, everything appears "normal".people don't believe you or choose not to. |
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Tricia 8:41 AM Thu 2nd Aug, 2018 |
I was astonished to finally read an article that has described my experience of emotional trauma in my marriage. Although I managed to escape successfully from this relationship, I am vulnerable to emotionally based stress - particularly any coercion, at which time the devastation of being in an emotionally sterile relationship comes to the fore. Professionals have been reluctant to explain "what happened" - despite many counselling and even marriage counselling attempts. I am finally getting answers . Your description post traumatic relationship syndrome is spot on ...it also has to be remembered that we can never really escape people who are intertwined in our lives through children and grandchildren. Lack of awareness of these types of men means that we don't understand the significance of the "red flags" that we perceive. They defy logical explanation, and as our culture tends to respect evidence only, thereby giving the disordered personality the benefit of the doubt, whilst leaving us exposed to serious harm |
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Jenny UK 8:39 AM Thu 2nd Aug, 2018 |
I found it hard to put "No Team Player" down. I really liked the way the marriage issues were chunked down. |
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s 6:54 AM Thu 2nd Aug, 2018 |
I am reading your book, "No Team Player." It is the best book I have ever read on ASD, hands down! I'm an Asperger’s spouse as you know. I also work as a psychotherapist. I want to learn more about the ins and outs of this disorder, including what mechanisms of the brain are disabled and how this connects to particular consequences. There is so much imitation involved, that I need to know what is real! For instance, when you talk about Denver's lack of understanding the consequences of his inaction, I could so relate. However, I thought this characteristic was just my husband being a non-worrier, just cool and collected. I need to understand ASD better so that I can get out of the crazy confusion. I've read Attwood, but he's too politically correct for me and misses the subtleties that you write about, especially for spouses. |
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JB 6:38 AM Wed 1st Aug, 2018 |
If a tree falls and hits me on the head in the wind, I will tell people. They believe me. I am not blaming all trees or the wind, simply telling my story. It should be the same with telling my story about life with a spouse with ASD. I should be believed about my experience. |
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Cassandra 6:33 AM Wed 1st Aug, 2018 |
I was married to a man with undiagnosed Asperger's syndrome. Went through counseling where the counselor knew nothing about it. Went through divorce and child custody case... courts know nothing about it. I have survived and reading websites like this is helpful. I want to educate people about it but I look like a typical ex wife. This is different especially where children are involved. I am not sure what my future holds but I plan to do something so the courts understand it more. I did not endure what I did for no reason. Good luck and God bless all of you! |
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Hustru til Asperger 6:33 AM Wed 1st Aug, 2018 |
Today I found this website. Thank you for being here. I live in Denmark married to an Asperger husbond for many years. There is no network for Asperger partners in my country. Asperger is focuses only when it comes to children and young people. It was a relief for me to find the concept Cassandra phenomenom. The Impacts and Deficits in NT ASD Relationships Table is an exellent instrument to keep focus on my situation - instead of getting sucked into my husbonds abnormal perception of reality. If Alice in Wonderland stayed there for 16 years - would she not have to surrender to the bizarre perception of everything, just to survive? |
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DT 6:26 AM Wed 1st Aug, 2018 |
I commend you on your bravery to say it how it really is. I agree with your article about counselling us and how the so-called experts try to get us to give more and more of our already depleted selves to support the AS person that they sympathize with because they themselves have the same traits. There are so few specialist counsellors in this area for partners that I am beginning to think that those who have a special interest in it are themselves somehow affected. I found "The Bottom Line" article particularly challenging but it confirmed for me what I already felt anyway at my core. Your site is so helpful. Keep up the great work. |
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Meliss 6:21 AM Wed 1st Aug, 2018 |
My husband I believe has undiagnosed Aspergers, He is not well. He is violent. He is mean. He is obsessed with objects, things. He lacks emphathy. I wish I could say positive things about being married to him, but I can't. It is hell. I am in hell. My kids are in hell. There is no relief for those of us suffering. |
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Mary 6:19 AM Wed 1st Aug, 2018 |
I am so grateful for this site. I have returned to it often over the course of this year. I only wish I had this resource as a child and then as an adult when I found myself married and in a similar relationship to that of my parents. Both my father and my husband are on the Aspie-continuum. Now divorced, with three kids I border on regret and think I went crazy...until I read the chart on this webisite- When I read "Death by a thousand paper cuts" I cry. I wince at the terms of my divorce and struggle but then I realize "of course" then divorce and issues we continue to have will suffer from the same issues our marriage had. Initially I think- will suffer from the same issues that I have but am still coming to see that MY issues might not be just MY issues, at all. I have a lot to heal. Thank you for the resources. Thank you all for the testimonies- at some point I will be able to read them all- it is just hard right now and I trust I will be able to find the ability to have the conversations with my children without it seeming like I am being hurtful toward their father or influencing their relationship negatively. |
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Jack 6:16 AM Wed 1st Aug, 2018 |
Wow...It's hard to describe what it's like to be hit with the realization that the impossible situation you have been dealing with is all due to something you've never heard of before. Asperger's. For the last 7 months I've been meeting with this nice girl, we're in our 50's, and I've never been so utterly confused, hurt, lonely, unhappy - while being so drawn to her it's impossible to stop thinking about her. I can only describe it as the simultaneous feeling of being so close to someone, and yet still feeling as though they're a million miles away. She would behave when we were together as if we were getting closer and closer and closer in our "relationship' then as soon as we were apart, it was almost like we'd never even met. She would invite mer to her house to visit, and eventually even came to my house to visit, but would never come out with me in public, would never sit with me if we were at the same public event, and still to this day, will not come out and do anything with me. Despite how much fun and enjoyment we both seem to experience when we're together. The pain and confusion is almost unbearable. It makes you ask - what could I possibly be doing wrong. Well - nothing. There's nothing this nice young lady can do about it. Nothing. She doesn't miss me when we're apart. She doesn't wish we could get closer. She doesn't hope that our relationship gets stronger. She says she really wants to be friends and doesn't want to "lose" me, which was a surprising thing to hear. However she just doesn't seem capable of really participating in a friendship. She has no real friends of her own, no past boyfriends that are still in her life, she's divorced. She reports that one of her son's has AS, but has never said anything about herself potentially having it. But it's obvious. The pain that comes from trying to enjoy life by being close to someone with AS, and not knowing it, is only slightly relieved by finding out about AS in the first place. I think I might have gone completely insane had I not discovered this "difference" in people. I would have thought I was not worthy of her affection, a worthless person and I would have gone mad wondering what was wrong with me. I think all I can do is quietly and compassionately move on. I will respond to her when she contacts me, but I can't invite her out anymore, only to have her change her mind many times, eventually to cancel at the last minute and leave me in despair. She can't help it. Why do we fall in love with them? they are so beautiful on the inside, in many ways. And yet it is a trainwreck waiting to happen - if we don't find a way to separate our lives from them. I will miss her so much. |
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Jody 6:16 AM Wed 1st Aug, 2018 |
After reading your site and the valuable information here I'm convinced Donald J Trump, President of the USA has autism, with the co-morbid psychopathy and narcissism. My husband has autism and he's excluded from jury duty and the military because of the deficits. The Presidency should also be an exclusion. |
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Nita 6:15 AM Wed 1st Aug, 2018 |
I recently came to the realization that my husband is somewhere on the autism spectrum. I'm not entirely sure that it's ASD, but I know from his behavior and characteristics that he's on the spectrum. I first read through the testimonials listed here and it was refreshing to know that I am not the only one suffering in an isolated, parent-child marriage. Like many of you, I have been chalked up as a "mean wife" to my "sweet natured" husband who appears "nice, yet quiet" while at the same time completely lacks skills associated with finances, social/personal responsibility. When we dated, it was the typical qualities that made me fall for him. Being in the same house however, watching him struggle time and again and never quite understanding what those quirks such as stimming, repetitive responses, lack of eye contact were all about, I thought momentarily that I was the crazy one. I suspect that our pastor and other friends who've tried counseling us believe we are just a couple in a young marriage trying to figure things out. Wrong. I wasn't born last night, and I've always known Brian to be "different," but could never adequately explain this different-ness. I once was asked by a friend who tried offering her support, "what's your problem" when I tried explaining the baffling nature of our marriage and all she could see was a kind man. Make no mistake, he is kind. Unlike some of the testimonials, my husband is not mean-natured, but does lack empathy for others and takes a "it's them not me" approach to nearly every situation, causing him to justify his lack of responsibility. I don't blame him at all for his condition, but I lack patience for one who does not take steps to help themselves. Further, I've found myself resentful toward his parents for not getting him the help he needed as a child. Perhaps his situation would be different (though I don't know the fully story behind his upbringing; perhaps they did try to help him and he refused it). I am the bill payer, time manager, calendar keeper, cook, mother, housekeeper. I've put my life aspirations on hold because I simply don't have time with the demanding responsibilities going on. Twice I've taken vacations without him (which is a way for me to take a break from the overwhelming burden of taking care of a grown adult) and have been made to feel guilty for doing so. Before him, I was an independent woman, taking care of myself and child and living life with ambition and gusto. Those days are a mere memory and my resentment toward him grows everyday as a result. I should also note that he has been diagnosed with ADHD. Coupled with AS, it is a whirlwind in our household. I don't want to sound like the uncompassionate wife, but it is so hard. I long to have intellectual conversation with other adults. My 10yo is intellectually and emotionally more mature than he. It saddens me because I don't want to quit my marriage, but I'm alone now more than when I was single. He has agreed to counseling, but doesn't follow therapeutic advise. The problem is, he's seeing someone who is not clinically trained in treating adults on the AS. In the age of the internet, I am so shocked at the few or lack of resources for spouses of someone on the AS. Further, is there not formal education for clinicians on this very niche and hard to explain disorder? This site is about as close as I've come to finding anything and I'm grateful for that. It adds a little hope to our future. God bless all of you out there who may be in similar predicaments. |
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Peter 6:15 AM Wed 1st Aug, 2018 |
What a great site and it is a relief to find others in the same boat. I liked JA Morgan's neat table. Effects of Differing Neuro Developmental Levels On Neurotypical/autism Adult Relationships. It was a great summary of the various aspects of Asperger's and how it affects the behaviors of people with it and the impact of those behaviors on those who for one reason or another have to be in close physical and/or psychological proximity with them |
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Anna Green 6:15 AM Wed 1st Aug, 2018 |
Hello dear fellow partners of Aspies, This is what I understand. There is no reflective moment, no sadness, pain, physical or emotional, no grief, no small human feeling in me to which my husband will respond with empathy for me. Instead, those particular moments are entirely about his anger, his needs, his headache, his pain, his disappointment in my failure to be a better wife. It took me a few years to understand that this was no coincidence. I understand that if I don't bow to his greater needs, our marriage will not make it through the day. Because, for my husband, he is always and ever the most in pain, working the hardest, earning the most money, cleaning the kitchen the most and the best, controlling the food, the washing, doing all of the driving on the holidays, the dominant partner and the dominant parent. My husband actually believes he is our marriage and our life. With young children and run off my feet most days, I am treading water. I have become very good at emotionally insulating myself, almost to the point of numbness. Also, there are amazingly lots of great things in our lives together and he is a good Dad while the children are very young, I believe this will change. Its such a hard, complex and very lonely problem. Best wishes to you all |
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Perry 6:14 AM Wed 1st Aug, 2018 |
Every single one of the testimonies that I just read through are spot on. It is a very tough, lonely life to live in this manner. I am constantly criticized, chastised, insulted, and even humiliated because I let my wife know how much I am deprived of sensual, friendly, compassionate, and even normal human contact. It is always about her and her pain. While I get the pain issues, what I don't get is why or how anybody can treat another human the way I get treated. One moment it's "I Love You", then the next words uttered is something unbelievably hateful. She blames me for all of her issues, her pain, her hate, her resentment. She also blames me for things that she does to me, such as not being respectful of her time, cooking (she has never cooked a meal for me at home). She treats others as vessels that have things to help her but only very rarely reciprocates. She has no true friends and her eldest son does his best to put up with her theatrics. We spend many nights in separate bedrooms because she gets angry and leaves when I bring relationship, finance, family or any topic for that matter, up at bedtime. Then the hateful text messages start. I have finally been able to ignore them When I have had enough of being isolated (usually three or more weeks), I bring them up during waking moments, those issues get brushed off as unimportant or everything gets tossed into the sex realm. I would love to just have a normal marriage where I can bring things up to my wife. I do listen to her of course, whenever and wherever topics are brought up but rarely am I listened to in those conversations so I end up just listening without getting to say anything. I understand that listening is absolutely essential in a marriage, however that should happen both ways when needed. I don’t have that luxury. I don’t know what is right and wrong, real or imaginary anymore. Without a doubt, I am going through some traumatic disorder as the days drag on without any potential for my wife to embrace our marriage. |
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Vince 6:13 AM Wed 1st Aug, 2018 |
"Mommy" is tired of answering questions. But I don't have any actual kids in my home. I have a husband with autism. No, I don't know what that thing on the carpet is. No, I don't know what that paper in the front yard is. I wish you could get out of your recliner and go look since I'm making dinner with a headache and three weeks of heart palpitations. I'm tired of being grilled for the most basic information that other people just intuit from normal interactions. You're locked out of your online bank account because I screwed up on the password a bunch of times because I didn't know you'd changed it. Oh, but 1,600 questions later, you're sort of understanding the situation. 'Did you actually mean 1,600 questions, because I only asked three questions and how is that "grilling?"' Mommy needs a break. |
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Carrie 6:12 AM Wed 1st Aug, 2018 |
To Lynn who posted on Feb 28th 2016: My situation is very close to yours. I am at my wits end and my children are aligning behind my ASD husband so that if I leave I will be left with nothing. It is so close to this article I can't believe it. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-with-undiagnosed-autism-why-women-who-leave-lose-twice-0420164 I am running out of life options. Everyone please post your life's challenges in this ASD-NT world. It helps to know we are not alone. And it is an outlet for you. I have lost my life to someone who treats me with no respect. I will lose my children |
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Desert Flower 6:12 AM Wed 1st Aug, 2018 |
Wow...so grateful I found this site. Just WOW. I left a career and married a man who is definitely an undiagnosed Aspie. I have felt like Im losing my mind I was his 3rd wife by the time he was 40...He is smart, educated, a great provider....I gave up all security to marry and blend a family. I first came to a realization something was wrong when his mom was having a serious surgery, he said to her on the phone, "good luck" then carried on with his bike ride. Nothing matters to him except his interests...always angry, insults, never praises, finds fault, is never wrong....blurred boundaries. I used to be a strong, confident woman. I have been emotionally deprived and destroyed. |
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jm 7:13 AM Thu 26th Jul, 2018 |
this site is extremely helpful explaining the confusion in my life. |