Testimonials
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Nicki
6:40 AM
Tue 31st Mar, 2020

I have been in a relationship with an aspie man for almost 7 months. We have been friends and met at work for 3 years prior to us dating. When we first met I instantly knew that I had fell in love with him before I could even admit it. He is charming, handsome, intelligent. He is very different from the men I have dated before. With that being said he did bring it to my attention when we first started dating that he had Aspergers. I instantly started reading up on it. I really wanted to get to know the person he was. No internet research, and books that are read or people who talk to me would ever prepare me for the rollercoaster I put myself on! The first few months of the relationship was amazing! He would call, text and even facetime me sometimes. He would talk to me atleast once or more a day, text me that is! I would go to his house and we would spend time together. He special interest is video games. There were times I would be with him, sitting next to him on the couch and he would not even look up from his phone or he would continue playing his video games while we sat in silence. All this was dandy until 4 months in and the calls, video chats stopped. The texting consist of maybe a goodmorning and I would not hear from him again till he was ready to go to bed and he would tell me goodnight. He never asks me to come over, never invites to me out. If i do not initiate the conversation or coming over it would never happen. Since the coronovirus has been about it has got worse he barely says two words to me. I honestly can say that out of the almost 7 months we have been together i can count how many times I have been to his house or his to mine. He gets overly fustrated if I voice my opinion on anything when it comes to our arguements and always makes me feel like I am overracting. When we do argue he gives me the silent treatment and will not talk to me until I apologize even if it is not my fault. I honestly at my wits end. I try so hard to make this work, I love him but I fear that is not enough anymore. I have contemplated on leaving. I do not even feel like I am in a relationship and that is sad..


Peter
5:45 AM
Tue 31st Mar, 2020

I am so thankful for this website on Post Traumatic Interaction Syndrome; it is good not to feel alone and weird. I experienced exactly the same many of you did dating an Aspie for 4 months. It started with love bombing. Then his mask fell off peace by peace. Followed with a thousand paper cuts until you feel dead inside; and you ask yourself: why is he so evil to me but so nice to his "friends". You think that you are the problem and that your reality was wrong - gaslighting. He was impulsive a lot of times. He talked about himself constantly. Used an inappropriate language. Unable to feel/think about others. He just opened his three dating apps on a dating trip to the sauna with me, meanwhile, he said how important and special I was to him. Yikes. Totally unorganized - he constantly planned dates with me for the weekends and canceled it five minutes before the actual date; the one time I was five minutes too early (or as he corrected me: seven minutes) he said I was too early on the date to make him feel guilty because I somehow should have guessed he would not come; he was constantly making me feel guilty. He was 10 years older than me - but I was the adult one. I mean, I had a lot of great moments with him and thinking about him still hurts. I really loved him. But all the paper cuts hurt so much. I ended it. I am grateful we didn't get into a relationship - his three ex-boyfriends all ended up with depression he told me, joking (!) that hopefully, it wasn't because of him. I have no depression, thankfully. But yeah, it was still a hard time - never been mistreated by anyone the way he mistreated me. I'm dating a new guy and it is awesome - so for all of you who might have a broken heart now: life is going to get better! I survived my Post Traumatic (nearly) Relationship Syndrome. And so can you. Maybe I was just unlucky with running into him and other Aspies are the nicest persons on the planet. I can't tell. I only speak about my experience and they were terrifying.


Dave
1:21 AM
Tue 31st Mar, 2020

I thought this was a very interesting article: Excerpt: No matter how much we explain or teach or train the Aspie mind, certain neurological circuits don’t work as they do in the NT brain. The brain has a number of circuits that are all connected like Christmas lights. If one part doesn’t work right, then the rest of the circuits malfunction, too. These brain circuits are so tightly integrated that multiple circuits depend upon multiple other circuits to carry out sophisticated human behaviors and to comprehend complex thoughts and feelings. Our brains are truly amazing. Link: https://psychcentral.com/lib/neuroscience-sheds-light-on-why-people-with-aspergers-syndrome-lack-empathy/


Mary
11:14 PM
Mon 30th Mar, 2020

I don't really know what to do. I can't say he's a bad guy but his behaviour is driving me insane. I know he's trying and it's so much better than a couple of months ago but I lack deeper connection. Sometimes it's so hard to talk to him because "he doesn't know what to respond" or he doesn't know what to say. I wonder if he has anything to say about something else than computers. If I want to know how his day went, I have to ask thousand of quetions. Of course he wouldn't ask about mine. I doubt he has any emotional nees in conversation. If I didn't ask about his day I wouldn't know anything about what he was doing lately. There's no such thing like I'm the first person he wants to tell good news to. I doubt there's a difference for him if he tells good/bad news to me or his mother or other people. He can't plan anything because he's so unorganised that he can't predict how much time he'll spend on something. Sometimes when we're about to hang out and I ask him if he's ready he suddenly tells me he has to do something that'll take him another hour or hours! When I ask why he didn't tell me earlier he says that he doesn't know why. Or that he forgot. Also, I can't plan anything because he has no sense of time. I can forget about texting. Sadly, I got used to the fact that it's pointless to text my boyfriend about something because I can't count on understanding and sometimes he doesn't even text me back. When we are apart we don't text, we don't talk. Sometimes for a couple of days. It feels like I'm not in a relationship. Birthday gifts? Or christmas? Getting a flower? I could dream of it. Or when I get one, it's like he wouldn't know me at all. Sometimes I wonder does he really know me? Does he listen to me? There were a couple of days when we were hanging out and he was on his phone all the time, reading articles. I asked him to pay attention to me and all I heard was "in just a minute" and few minutes later he was reading this article loud to me. Being alone would feel less alone than being with him. I think I already gave up on idea that this relationship can be fulfiling in a way that is with NT's people. I used to think about myself as clingy or needy but I guess I don't have this needs anymore.


Martine
1:16 AM
Mon 30th Mar, 2020

Firstly, thank you so much for this website. It has been so cathartic. And the only one of its kind I found. And believe me, I’ve searched and searched for any sort of info after I discovered my husband of 22 years was Aspergers. The testimonials on this website gave me courage and confirmation I wasn’t mad! It was both a beautiful and traumatic experience being with him. I was truly in love. It was so profound. But I have painfully discovered, it didn’t mean or have the same value for him as for me. Autistics can’t feel or understand at that level. I know now it’s not physically possible for them. They love in ways that are too shallow and superficial for normal people, nts. I just read Dave’s last two posts and all you write was spot on. And yes, in my opinion and experience, the only option is to leave your aspie partner. Unless you can completely turn off any need for anything deeper or meaningful in a relationship - there is no happy endings with an aspie. One day you’re their favorite ‘thing’, flavor of the month and then all of a sudden you feel like they’ve totally lost interest. Cold, callous and scheming is what they will turn out to be in end. Do yourself a favor and leave before it’s too late for your sanity.


Janine
9:08 AM
Sun 29th Mar, 2020

I've been married to my aspie guy for 10 years. I saw there were problems before we married - we were often arguing and his behavior really upset/exasperated me - he showed all the signs mentioned in this group. It didn't hit me until after we married, that he was an undiagnosed aspie. I appreciate his good points - he is occasionally surprising in his thoughtful deeds and he is very very handy, as well as a good cook. I have to remind myself that he is mostly into himself and I realize I married him because I honestly have a problem truly accepting to be shown emotions and love - my own issues/hangup. He is not abusive but occasionally yells at me and I have to remind him to stop doing that. His parents had a terrible marriage - his father was abusive to my hubby's mother and ended up with her retreating and him getting a girlfriend/moving out. He was also abusive to my husband - they didn't understand my husband's aspie personality. I myself am the product of parents who were emotionally abusive to me and overly strict (I am partially disabled) so what can I say - my husband and I were lucky to find each other (both of us were married before/had kids) and we do what we can. Some days are good and some are not as good. We need each other (he isn't good with reading/understanding stuff and he helps me out if I cannot hear/understand someone speaking)


Dave
10:22 PM
Sat 28th Mar, 2020

I have come to some conclusions about why people with high functioning autism do the things they do. I want to say first that I think that they do have emotions. They can feel things deeply. The problem is that the feelings don’t last. The only ones that do last are the negative emotions like anxiety and anger. The love that they seem to feel is intermittent and often superficial. Also, I think that they have multiple personalities and you never know which one you are going to get. The one guy that I dated also seemed to enjoy hurting me emotionally. He seemed to be sadistic in a way. It was really sick. I know they can’t help these things so I think the best thing to do is just get away from them. Also, I have to say that it’s not that they don’t understand non-verbal ques, it’s that they don’t understand subtle ones. The best thing to do if you find yourself trying to communicate with them and the start acting up is to just walk away. Don’t to talk to them and make them understand. They will continue to argue so remove yourself from the situation


Dave
10:12 PM
Sat 28th Mar, 2020

I just finished a three month long distance relationship with a guy that has high functioning autism. What a rollercoaster! He never told me about the AS but said that he has a younger brother that was severely autistic so I’m pretty sure he was also. From what I’ve read about narcissistic personality disorder, I can’t see what the difference is. If the person lacks empathy it really doesn’t matter. The love bombing stage of our relationship was incredible. He was so loving and kind. I truly fell in love with him. Little did I know that it was all an act. Little by little over 3 months the mask came off. I didn’t mean to, but I guess I finally ended it. I let him know his behavior was unacceptable by setting some boundaries. He interpreted this as an attack and gave me the silent treatment. I contacted him and was able to stay friends with him. I’m trying to figure out what these people want in life. Why do they try to have a romantic relationship with someone when they know they aren’t really into it? Do they think it’s something that they are supposed to do? Do they consider it a rule or ritual that they need to follow? I wish I could put my finger on it.


Ann o
12:28 AM
Thu 19th Mar, 2020

Im 30 and moved in with my autistic bf last year. Boy was i wrong , im 100s of miles from my family. He didnt tell me he was autistic or epileptic and its been dumped on me. He has a fascination with another girl , our sex life is at zero because i work 12hour shifts then get home and hes slept all night and day n gets aggressive when i bring up him helping me. Recently its become violent, hes choked me out a few times. He was aggressive and nasty when i got pregnant. I lost our baby and while recovering physically he made sure he was sick ( he is always ill if someone else is ) so while in unimaginable pain im still doing dishes , walking to get our shopping ect. Today i am home and not feeling well( corona virus isolation) and hes just become aggressive because i wanted to sleep because im not feeling well. He has so many female friends who he treats so good , i dont understand why hes so false to them and so vile to me. We dont even have conversations anymore because he ignores me. I feel i only exist to pay his bills , drive him places and do my woman duty. Apart from that im worth nothing. I dunno how to handle this, im about to break


Peter
7:29 PM
Wed 18th Mar, 2020

I dated a guy with high functional autism. It was one of the most pleasant and one of the most unpleasant things I have ever done. It was like he was wearing a mask that came off peace by peace, a mask he showed everyone else to be liked. He told me that I was special and important to him. He kissed me. The coitus was great, though it was like he used the same program again and again. But he mistreated me badly. Not physically, but it was pure emotional terror. He did have three boyfriends before. All suffered of depression afterwards. It was like a honey trap. It was like he didn’t care about me, he only cared about himself. And he had a overblown self-esteem. He was terribly unorganised. He did make a lot of plans and cancelled them beforehand. He did flirt with other men on our dates. Meanwhile he told me how important I was to him. He left without saying bye. When I asked him if we could say goodbye, he told me, I would only care about myself. When he cancelled a date he told me that I was only 5 minutes early to make him feel guilty. Everything was about him. No one understands me. I am neurotypical and I have to be the adult one.


Molly
1:10 AM
Thu 5th Mar, 2020

I’m beyond grateful for this website and for all of you who have shared. I am moving out of my home today because I cannot stand the insanity of living with my AS husband another day. My son and I have found some temporary housing while we look for a more permanent home. On our second night after moving in together I first saw the rage. It was sadistic, hostile, scary and cruel. It was a person I had never seen before moving in together. Things were never the same for me after that, but I told myself we could work through it and we got legally married. On our honeymoon, rage came up while I was driving. I pulled over, saying I didn’t feel safe driving while he was so agitated. We stopped the car but he insisted we keep driving because he was obsessed with getting on a specific Ferry (even though there were many Ferries at later times and we had nowhere to be at any specific time). He became so enraged and told me the best solution was for me to put him in the trunk of the car or else he could leave me at a hotel in this random town we were in and that way he could get to the Ferry on time. Then he literally began trying to crawl into the trunk of our car. Last week we took a vacation to a tropical island with our kids (we have a blended family). He insisted that he wanted to pay for the whole trip, including food expenses. I discussed this with him multiple times, reminding him that he gets very upset and angry about paying for food while traveling. I offered to take on that expense. He reassured me that that no, it was his treat. Well, guess what? On the second morning, he asked me to pay for breakfast. I said I’m sorry I can’t, I left my wallet at the hotel. He told me that leaving my wallet at the hotel is proof that I “walk all over him and use him for money”. He also told me every other day on the trip that he wants to separate. And then every other day would take it back. When I asked why he wanted to marry me in the first place, he said, “it wasn’t for romantic reasons”. On the way home in the airport he said something rude and inappropriate to my son while I was in the bathroom. My son told me about it. I found my husband and asked why he was talking to my son that way. My husband told me that he was just doing something that I clearly wanted him to do because of a certain article I liked on Facebook that had nothing to do with my son or anything. He then started ranting about how awful my son is and when I tried to stand up for my son, he began laughing sarcastically. He then started coming towards me with aggressive face, words and body posture. I asked twice for him to back up and he would not. I then held my arms out, blocking him from coming closer and yelled, “Get the fuck out of my face!”. I have never before in my life had an altercation like that, let alone in a public place. Since then, he has told me “that unpleasantness in the airport was unfortunate, but you attacked me”. He was the one who brought up that he thought he has AS, and at the time, I thought that was hopeful. But now he is back to denying it and getting angry at me if I suggest it. He says everyone in his life tells him that he clearly doesn’t. I’m so relieved to hear that this is a common phenomenon. No matter what, it is most important that I believe myself and honor my experience as real. I have to let go of the need to get others to believe me and just focus my energy on getting back to my best self. I wish you all well and my heart is with you.


Tishku
11:55 PM
Tue 3rd Mar, 2020

I am relieved to find this site. Over the past two years, I have been driven slowly insane trying to make sense of this relationship I am in. I dated my husband on and off for 3 years. We never lived together, he had always lived with one of his sisters, he said they need HIM. After we married, his sister said, "Now you can babysit him!" I was shocked. Little did I know what they meant. After marrying, I found I just filled the sister role like a third sister. While he does work and have a job, he accepts ZERO responsibility financially, physically or emotionally in our relationship. He won't open his mail, answer his phone, pay a bill, repair anything that is broken, wash his laundry, clean a toilet or mow the lawn. I literally have to wake him up for work, like getting a child on the schoolbus. The first year we were married, no Christmas gift, no birthday gift, no anniversary gift. I cared for his 13 year-old dog with cancer till the day she died. I had to tell him we needed to put her down because she was in severe pain. I had to make that decision, because he 'wanted her around.' Selfish. He snores, has sleep apnea and refuses to get help. We live in separate bedrooms and I am like a care-taker / mother. When I discuss thing with him, he goes to bed and his mind literally does a reset overnight. The next day is like Groundhog Day and everything starts over again...no changes. I am going insane! I long for a deep intimate relationship. I am on anti-depressant medication and see a therapist. He advice is to make an exit plan for my own mental and physical well beiing. I feel guilty, but I have to save myself. He needs to go back to his family, who have care for him for 46 years. I can't do this.


F
11:19 PM
Sat 22nd Feb, 2020

I left my ex, and almost a decade later i found out why i couldnt make the relationship work, he is definetely an aspie. A very intelligent one, which makes him very good at masking and compensating. He also works pretty hard, and has no trouble keeping a wellpaid job. But he has no need for physical intimacy, even hugging doesnt seem to bring him any comfort or pleasure. He enjoys wearing hes t-shirts with the inside out, and is very happy with the left/right socks. He also has a pretty big head, and cannot fix smaller sowing jobs, as he cannot handle the needle. He takes friendly batter personally and hurts people when he trues to be funny. He is also paranoid, and has accused me of a few things i never did, and couldnt convince him i diddent. No logik. He can never admit to or apologize for anything, or accept another point of view if it isnt consistent with he’s own idea of reality. He literally almost drove me crazy. A lot ask ‘how do u leave’ or ‘how do u get the courage to leave’, and i dont think theres one answer to that. I think i felt i had to leave, before i went completely crazy, and also i had stopped loving him. I found him to selfish to be able to love, so i couldnt stay. Also i wanted to protect my child against hes crazyness. It has not been a walk on roses since then though, but i am SO greatfull to finaly understand why. I read this page every week, it makes a huge difference to know i’m not alone with my experiences. Best of luck to everyone!


Will
6:46 AM
Mon 17th Feb, 2020

I am in a relationship with an undiagnosed AS woman. I recently have had enough of the emotional gap that lies between us and asked her to move out. This has been the hardest thing I have done as I still care deeply for her. I just simply can’t go on like this. In many ways she is a kind generous compassionate person but just as many of you have shared she is aloof and emotionally distant. She very rarely says anything sweet or uplifting, never says I love you, we fight all the time because she literally can’t see my perspective in anything, and yet, I know that she loves me with all her heart. So I am very conflicted about what is about to happen for her. I know this is breaking her heart and I don’t want to hurt her but I NEED to feel normal again. I feel as though I’ve lost a part of myself being with her. How have you reconciled leaving your partner with the heartbreak it brings? I don’t want to hurt her but I’m going crazy. Please share any insight that you may have gained from your experience.


LL
1:36 PM
Thu 9th Jan, 2020

For so long this website has been my only resource. My husband is just like all of yours. We’ve been together for 13 years. There are days that I cannot even think straight anymore. Keeping him on track and happy in a disorganized world is an absolute nightmare. The damn thing about it is that the aspie behaviors have progressively gotten worse with age. He is now less motivated to even work hard for a living and literally expects me to manage everything financially. It’s exhausting. Completely oblivious to social norms in public and has no friends and certainly does not try to make any. So, any outing when we are not alone is a stretch for him. He also seems to relish my misery, so when I laugh or if I’m not working 12 hours a day he always wonders why. I tell myself that I’m not going to let him get me down, but it is like living with a hologram....a shell of a person without any connection at all to his emotions, priorities, goals in life, etc. Any sort of intimacy, apology after disagreement or emotional connection is long gone, and tbh I no longer try very hard. When we try to talk about retirement-it’s like I am speaking to myself. He is like a robot zombie on cruise control. Then I have moments where I feel guilt as I know his neurons are not normally organized. Nevertheless-I cannot get back the years I’ve given this man. We have a 10 YO son, and he is thankfully much more emotionally adept, but seems to have inherited the lack of common sense and possibly some adhd. I’ve not had another child, even though I wanted another half due to fear of the child having this affliction. If you are new to this limitation and with an Aspie-leave now, as it will destroy you. There is no escaping or repairing them. There is only a lifetime of heartache for you. Run fast and do not look back. Every day I dream of a way out of this relationship. A way to happiness. Until then it feels like a self made prison.


Darcy
7:09 PM
Sat 4th Jan, 2020

I posted about a year ago. Ive been reading and researching. Its Pretty much the same theme for Nt. The overall arching theme, IMO, is lack of a deep connection, inability to emotionally connect, and the need for total control for the AspIe to manage their stress, hence need for having their way so much of the time. In the same why people cant live with cheating or beating bc of the destructive emotional effects, living without human connection is intolerable for most. We are suppose to closest to our immediate loved one. If not, who then? Loyalty causes us to be unconnected to anyone because how can we justify being emotionally closer and connected to a person outside of our marriage or relationship? Their inability to compromise, I believe comes from the absolute must, (for them) to maintain familiarity and routine. The world seems so stressful to them that they seem to use people and things just to arrange their world, to suit them. They cannot seem to see or feel your hurt, pain, sadness or internal world. They are unaware of your needs because they identify only with themselves. It always mystifies me he insist on a certain way for some thing, for his own comfort, and if I express my discomfort about the decision, it simply isn’t regarded as relevant. Bc his needs will always trump any of my own. Always. So, this will be your world, and this is why so many NT of Aspie partners are empty, sad, depressed, needing, wanting, dreaming. Bc you live without love. Tangible goods are not love, but to them, these soothing things, are offers of comfort. They have no idea, that an object or good cannot understand your deep and debilitating pain at being invisible.


Carolyn
10:54 PM
Wed 1st Jan, 2020

I am so glad I found this website and others similar. 25 years spent with a man who is Mr. Wonderful to everyone else but behind closed doors, just as described by you all. I learnt to be assertive and stop the verbal abuse some years ago, then realised that there was nothing to fill the void where his unprovoked anger had been: no emotional connection, no ability on his part to be kind, attentive, complimentary, encouraging or affectionate towards me. I am ignored, dismissed, invalidated, unseen and unheard. It is like being married to a two-dimensional cardboard cut out of a man. He can DO anything practical, a Mr. Fix It, and for that I am truly grateful, but emotionally it is very lonely and soul destroying. Like many of you, I went to professionals for help, both on my own and with my husband, and not one of them picked up what was happening. I felt like the 'crazy woman' married to a 'lovely man'. It has been exhausting. Reading testimonials on this site has given me a huge sense of relief. With understanding of this situation, I no longer have expectations that this is fixable, and I have stopped making any more emotional effort in this marriage. I have always ensured that I have my own friends, work and activities. So while I can't leave for many reasons, I know for sure that one day I will be free from his heavy, negative energy (it's like living with a stone wall). Until then, I keep reminding myself that I am not crazy, and I am not alone. Thank you to all of you who have contributed to this website.


monica
6:59 PM
Fri 20th Dec, 2019

I put my tale of woe on the page back in July... I am still paralysed with indecision. I think 20 years married to my AS Husband where all my efforts have been to keep him calm, in his routine and in a way controlled by his moods is going to be a hard habit to break. I have 2 children, a girl of 5 and a boy of 11, my Boy is diagnosed AS so I also am trying to keep things calm and i am exhausted with all of it. I have worked hard to make sure everything is how my Husband and Son like it. I try to foresee issues/changes that could upset them as it makes life so so much easier. However it is difficult to live life with this much pressure without it being detremental. I feel like the least important person in the world, like Cinderella or a Stepford Wife. I love my Husband but I am not in love with him and i feel like we now have a Business arrangement where he does his thing and I facilitate and deal with the practicalities of life. I would LOVE to have an emotional relationship with someone one day but how can that ever be? I can't leave - he won't/can't leave. I can't upset my Children and I love my home and know my kids feel safe in their home. I am legally and fincially bound to a house mate as whilst we are married we have no married life either physical or emotional. There are no laughs or date nights. When I look at the future it feels like a life sentence Grounddog day of the same routine, same programmes on TV, songs on repeat... How do you leave? How do you get the courage? xxx


Becki
8:53 PM
Tue 17th Dec, 2019

Well...I finally found the definitive answer to my horrible marriage. I could have written almost all of these testimonials myself. The question now is, what to do? Do I stay in a relationship that will never be what I need it to be? Do I move on and try to make my own life? Do I give up on a lifelong dream that I have finally managed to realize, for the sake of self-preservation? All rhetorical questions, of course. I have a lot to learn and digest. Much has already been explained thanks to this site. I am married to a man with AS, who doesn't know (or think) anything is "wrong with him". He is, of course, undiagnosed, and will likely remain that way. You can't, after all, tell a person they need help, when they deny everything and get angry at everything (and then deny they're angry). The way I understand it, there isn't a whole lot of help for them anyway. Most changes in behavior will be masks, and not kept up for any length of time. My husband managed to be Mr. Perfectly Right For Me for a bit over 2 years before we married. All of that changed once the rings were on our fingers, and I found myself married to a man I didn't know. It amazes me that they can do that, and that we fall for it. But they can, and we do. Here we all are, right? What I am questioning right now is, is he actually getting worse as time goes on, or is it just that I am getting more and more exhausted from trying to live life married to him? I know for sure that I am exhausted every day, long before I should be. Lately, I'm exhausted when I get out of bed. My physical and emotional health are suffering. I know I need counseling, but also know finding a counselor with knowledge enough about what we NT's go through is close to impossible. Like many of you, I love my husband. I don't think I'm IN love with him any more though. Abuse, although not intentional on his part, has a way of knocking that out of us, doesn't it? I will say that it is a HUGE relief to know that the forced celibacy of the last 11 years isn't because he necessarily finds me unattractive, but that he finds himself uninterested for God only knows what reason(s). He says he doesn't know, and I finally believe that. Sort of.It's a relief, but it doesn't, at this point, do anything for my self-esteem. Therein lies the need for counseling. I have a lot of decisions to make. For right this moment, I will stay put because I have to. I am disabled and my income isn't enough to support myself. I have also managed to make a lifelong dream come to fruition, and I am living exactly where I have always wanted to live, and doing exactly what I have always wanted to do (besides the crappy marriage) and am not ready to even consider giving that up. I worked too long and too hard to get here. I appreciate knowing there is a place for people like me to come and vent. Right now, I am likely babbling. I know most of you will "get it" and understand why that is. To finally KNOW what the issue is, and then to understand that it will NEVER be any better, is a lot to take in. Thanks for letting me vent!!


MLT
12:57 AM
Fri 13th Dec, 2019

I have been reading this site on/off the last 2.5 years as I needed to gain a deeper understanding of what I was coping with, with my own AS relationship. I was very much alone throughout this as we lived on an island far away from our respective homelands and I simply had no real knowledge of AS and had to figure things out the hard way. I needed to know that I was not going crazy, that my rage and frustrations, amongst so many other things were valid, that I wasn't the evil angry girlfriend who was controlling and demanding, because addressing it to him was impossible and all he did was deny, walk away, blame shift, backstab me to others, name call and create more problems over nothing. It was all so bizarre. This is something that is definitely not discussed enough, the partners who are left hurt, although it should be as for me, it was very much abusive in ways and a vicious cycle I kept going into over and over again. A vicious cycle I am still recovering from. The story is long and complex, just as all of these stories are, but I am now out of it for good and coming to terms with what really took place within our relationship. I often wondered whether he was a narcissist or a sociopath or a combo of many mental disorders. The irony and sad part of it all is that he could be the best, most loving person ever. I truly know that he loved me in the best way he knows how. Of course, that was never enough. So many important aspects were missing such as compromise, trust, respect and unselfish kindness. He did some wonderful, generous gestures and we had a deep intimacy to a degree, but it was always short lived and over time became less and less. This man cheated, lied, name called, gaslight, blame shifted, betrayed, backstabbed, made excuses, broke promises, and intentionally sabotaged me to others, to save face. Everything to some degree or another felt like a farce. I called him out on every single thing, I did not let him get away with his behaviour, however, I stayed, for too long, and for me, that has been the biggest lesson of all. IF you see the signs of a dis-functional partner early on, if it doesn't feel right or make sense and you cannot work it out with your partner because they are not willing or able to, if it is too good to be true, then it is. GET OUT and STAY OUT. As hard as it is, it will save you worlds of hurt and problems in the long run. I wish everyone well and hope you are taking care of the most important thing. YOURSELVES. Happy holidays.


Roisin
8:17 AM
Sun 10th Nov, 2019

I would like to thank the facilitator of this site, as well as David and Deb for their incredibly insightful testimonials. When I reflect upon my relationship with an ASD man, I understand that significant questions arose within a few months after the commencement of the relationship. I was assured, over and over again, by the mutual acquaintance who had introduced us, that he was just shy and had not been in an intimate relationship in a very long time. There were baby steps, which provided hope, and then many steps backwards. Each attempt at reaching a mutual compromise about anything at all resulted in my giving up bits of myself, and him always eventually going back on his promises, and gaslighting me. "Believe someone the first time, when they tell you who they are." Truer words were never spoken. My ASD man told me, occasionally, that he recognized that "something was missing" in his DNA. Very true. Had I heeded the early warnings, and not fanned the infrequent flames of hope, I would not have suffered through six years of a complete emotional and financial roller coaster ride. Everyone deserves mutual respect, love and trust when in an intimate relationship.


Maureen
3:44 PM
Sat 9th Nov, 2019

I totally agree with the facilitator. I think you get so used to trying to make things work and wondering why you feel the way you do. there is a lot of self blame until you realise it is not you but the person with AS who can't respond to normal emotions. I spent years wondering why I didn't feel the way I should. He seemed a kind and gentle man but now that he has gone I am learning more about AS and realise that we just didn't have a normal relationship. I am looking forward to the next stage in my life and hopefully meeting someone without AS. He is someone else's problem now.


facilitator
9:23 AM
Sat 9th Nov, 2019

I hear those who say they are constantly rebuffed and hurt by their partner, yet they still love their ASD partner. They constantly make excuses for their partner's bad behaviour. How long will it take for them to realise the relationship is toxic for both them and their partner. It's impossible to love someone who messes with your head. Love is kind, happy and supportive. It is not soul destroying.


Marilyn Lipari
5:36 AM
Sat 2nd Nov, 2019

I love the question Bea puts forward in her posting. For me, the question arises, why did I stay? The answer is in a story. When I had several surgeries, I would cry because my ASD husband would go missing. Work or some other self-interested diversion was his excuse for not being there. But, when he got sick, lost his job, or some such travesty, he'd become like a sick puppy dog who needed to be petted. In countless efforts to explain that my needs were just as important to me, he'd never ever understand and come through for me. Whenever I'd say, "I've had enough," he would pour on this little puppy dog save-me routine, then he'd suddenly show up for events etc. And I would save him every time. The answer to my problem is to let him be him, and find resources for myself. I am legally bound to a room mate who to me is like a seven year old. But I now refuse to be his mommy anymore. What really irks me is that his family knew about the autism; there are several of them in their family. I found out later that they were happy to get him off their backs.


Taffy
1:16 AM
Fri 1st Nov, 2019

Hi Bea, I have not heard of ASD people getting "better" in relationships, as in turning into a partner who can anticipate your needs and really support and nurture a relationship like an NT person. Some of them choose to learn scripts and over time that may become a habit, but I decided I could not be with someone who was trying to jump through hoops for me (and would quickly drop it if he became stressed or simply forgot). It was also unnerving to watch my partner remind himself to ask me about my day, etc. When I love someone, I don't have to remind myself to ask after them, I am genuinely curious how they are getting along. I notice if their face changes, if they are sick, or crying. I can even usually guess why. I reminded myself of that when I asked myself if my relationship with my partner was enough. This is the gift of empathy and we cannot thrive without having that care and love reciprocated. I could never describe this to my partner in a way he understood and this is something so ingrained that it doesn't even need to be said between NT people. I think about friends and loved ones in my life who are NTs and how it's nice that the layer of emotional care, reciprocation, and ease is just there. It's the difference between having a rich and fluent conversation with a native speaker of your language and someone who is just learning. Unlike a diligent language student the aspie will never get past "See Spot run." I don't want that layer of struggle and distance there. Good luck to you and please take care of yourself.


Bea
5:11 AM
Thu 31st Oct, 2019

Hello, thanks for posting all these testimonials, they’re incredibly validating. I was wondering if there’s anyone here that found any sign of things getting better over time, of ASD partners learning to make up for their shortcomings. If there’s any other way to deal with it other than leave. Every time I try to leave, when I’m at my absolute edge, my ASD partner seems to me like a lost child and compassion and empathy I feel for him keeps me coming back, over and over. It doesn’t help that I’m literally the only person that sees his ASD, which is also the reason he treats me the worst, I suppose. Because he doesn’t like to be reminded about his ‘faultiness’, especially when no one else seems to see it.


Sharon
7:55 PM
Sat 26th Oct, 2019

It was just three paragraphs that pushed me to leave my partner of 5 years. These words were both destroying and liberating. After reading them I no longer hoped for a fulfilling relationship. I had to end it. In the article titled: “The Truth About Asperger’s”, I read the words: “How would you feel if you’re involved with someone who is mind blind: Invalidated, unsupported, unheard and unknown …. It feels that way because it IS that way.” I learned that. “We all have fundamental emotional needs, and that does not mean we’re needy (a common accusation of the empathy-challenged) — it means we’re human.” I stopped trying to cope. I stopped trying to adapt. I am human and I have fundamental emotional needs that are not being met in this relationship. He is not interested in my opinions or how I feel. He doesn’t seem to notice when I am sad. For many years he used to cut me off mid-sentence. He has learned to ask questions about my life but often they are closed ended. Most of our conversations consisted mainly of him talking and me listening. Social situations with him, always made me anxious. I was always ready to step in to save the conversation. Anticipating when he would cut someone off. I realized it was easier to avoid these situations altogether. I felt unheard, unseen and unknown. With him, I often felt alone.


facilitator
7:38 PM
Sat 26th Oct, 2019

The "Aspergation" MaryAnne talks of is Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome/Cassandra Phenomenon. It is a normal emotional, stress reaction by neurotypicals, (not a mental illness), to living in these extremely unhealthy relationships.


MaryAnne
11:46 PM
Fri 25th Oct, 2019

"It's life Jim but not as we know it" sums up for me the experience of 30 years married to an undiagnosed Aspie. What is shocking is that despite having been seen by a psychiatrist, psychologist and a number of counsellors, not one of them spotted it. Only those of us in this situation know the absolute loneliness of being the only one who notices that 'the Emperor has no clothes'. Only for this wonderful site and others like it where we can receive validation of our lived experience, we would indeed doubt our sanity. A heartfelt thanks to all who have shared their stories. Your words have given me solace in the knowledge that I am not alone. Knowing about Aspergers has enabled me to at least make sense of the craziness, especially as I realise my mother also was most likely on the spectrum. Along with one of my children. Surrounded on all sides. Well and truly 'aspergated'.


David
5:21 PM
Wed 23rd Oct, 2019

In response to Kit and others, I would say that the cognitive dissonance that NTs have when dealing with a high functioning autistic person causes us to ignore the evidence. We cannot believe that the person who seems so charming is incapable of having a meaningful, reciprocal emotional connection with us. We fill in the blanks too willingly, making assumptions about their capacity to have a fulfilling relationship that are simply not justified. You have to experience it yourself in order to realize that such people exist- it is such a foreign concept to a normal mind that you must not blame yourself for falling into the trap, at least not the first time. But what I have learned from this will hopefully prevent me from falling into this trap again. Remember the words of Maya Angelou: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." No second chances, just move on before you get terribly hurt. This may defy the natural instincts of emotionally healthy minds to work on relationships and give others the benefit of the doubt, but it is important to heed the warning signs.


Kit
7:59 AM
Sun 20th Oct, 2019

The very first magical evening I spent with my guy, he turned to me at one point near the end of the evening and said soberly, "I hurt people". I laughed it off and asked this charming guy whatever could he mean, but I have surely found out. I wonder if the NT brain is unable to understand/accept/believe the evidence of the empathy disfunction in the ASD partner. It is fascinating that this kind of evidence is unable to over-ride the heartbreak of the NT who can clearly see that there is nothing coming back yet still grieves and wants what the ASD partner has never given nor likely ever would give. Maybe this is the effect of the partial reinforcement program that the NT experiences with her ASD partner. I don’t know, but I kept telling myself that we would be able to work things out and that starting a relationship later in life takes more work. I could have saved myself all that had I listened to his warning that first night. I continue my process and am most grateful to all who share on this space and thank you for the comfort I have found here today.


Carol
9:16 PM
Fri 18th Oct, 2019

Another thing: even if you do divorce them many times they don’t get it or what that means so they tend to stick around in a way that crosses boundaries. Even if you marry someone else they won’t get it. I remarried and my AS ex didn’t mind at all. And I wanted to be nice to her and it is a good thing when someone wants to stay friends, right? Maybe not when they are at your doorstep a Friday night uninvited, walks in, helps themselves in your refrigerator and then makes themselves comfortable in your couch when you had planned for a cozy evening with your new spouse just the two of you. And the new spouse is a nice person and a bit conflict avoidant and voilà! AS ex will now see both of you as a part of her/his routine.... They linger. For years and decades if you dont put your foot down. Took me 25 years to see this and that she didn’t see me as a friend. I was still ”the routine” and she still tried to control me with tantrums. I had to cut her off.


Deb
7:00 AM
Wed 16th Oct, 2019

After 13 years, I can sum up what it feels like this way... I write you a poem that you don’t understand..... I play you a song that you don’t follow..... I tell you a story that you don’t remember..... I cook you a meal that you perfect….. I give you intimacy that you avoid….. I give you space that you take advantage of….. I offer opinions that are always wrong….. I give you acceptance that you take for granted….. I offer you support that you don’t recognize….. I give you love that is misinterpreted….. I give you too much and it’s not enough….. I give you me and all you really want is you…………. And still, I am to adjust………. I should not write you the poem that is in my heart….. I should not play you the song that expresses my emotions….. I should not tell you a story….. I should not cook you a meal….. I should not want intimacy….. I should not hope to share your space….. I should not tell you what I think….. I should not accept you for who you are….. I should not support your life….. I should not give you love….. I should not give anything….. You have you.


Carol
5:48 AM
Tue 15th Oct, 2019

My five years with a later diagnosed asperger woman in the early 90’s still affects my self esteem and had a negative effect on my life for years. I was very young (21) when I met her. Everything seemed ”normal” and she impressed me by being so intellectually gifted. She kind of rushed things and Six Months later we moved in together. Everything changed overnight. It was like she took of a mask. The following years was like drowning in still waters. After I moved in she stopped being physical with me which killed my self esteem. She expected me to wait hand and foot for her. She didn’t cook. She didn’t clean the house. She was like a Big Child with a huge intellect. She never worked WITH me in this relationship. She was obsessed with tennis and the Day my brother helped me to finally move out She was absorbed by a tennis tournament on tv and hardly even noticed when we carried out my stuff and furniture to the van. She could be very nice to me but also say the most horrible horrible things that really really hurt me. It was a terrible first experience of living together with a partner and I am still kind of withdrawn because of it. If you find yourself in a relationship like that - get out! The sooner the better. Things won’t improve.


ML
2:50 PM
Mon 14th Oct, 2019

The difference between myself and my ASD husband is that I am the only one asking, "Am I going insane?" After thirty years with my husband you'd think I would know not to expect a gift on my anniversary, an act of kindness when my father dies, an apology when he lies about losing thousands of dollars, or not showing up at the hospital as the doctors are cardioverting my heart. Moreover, you'd think that the family would be kind to me when I lose my temper over some strange incident. My husband, for all intents and purposes, seems like a really nice guy to the rest of the world. This is the problem with highly functioning Autism. Being married to ASD---the neurotypical is constantly being told we don't matter, we're the crazy ones etc. It is quite simple; the ASD does not know how to feel for anyone but himself. He can lie at a drop of a bucket and not feel guilt. He can put his dog down of 15 years and not feel anything. And he will never protect anyone except his own ego. Yet, I am supposed to feel sorry because he has this disorder. I do all the time. It is like I am married to a three year old child who has a PHD.


Linda C. Krausse
8:55 AM
Sun 13th Oct, 2019

I can relate to all who have written their experiences here. I thought that I was only dealing with a Narcissist, and maybe so, but my partner of 5 years has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers, and it has been a living hell. I depend on his income, as I have Lupus and cannot work. My health has deteriorated since living with him, and I see no way out financially right now. The most irritating of his behavior is his incessant need to babble, interrupting me at every word I say. I have lost my temper, and still do because he seems so normal, except for some of the behaviors mentioned here, ie., no affection or intimate connection. I am responsible for everything of his and of mine, of course. I'm tired of being a mommy to a 70 year old man. I am only 63, and want out of this relationship. Fortunately, I was asked out by an acquaintance of mine, and look forward to talking to someone who is normal. I had lost hope of every joining the dating world again because of my newly lack of self-esteem. I gained 30 lbs. because of the steroids I must take for Lupus and Addison's,a double whammy. I've never been over weight in my life, in fact, when I was 21 I became anorexic. This weight gain is new to me and I never thought anyone would ask me out, because my face is kind of puffy looking. Apparently, I don't look that bad. Being that I used to model makes me a little more self conscious. I am so glad to have found this site! Thank you.


Erin
7:59 AM
Sat 12th Oct, 2019

My partner of the last almost 10 years was very recently diagnosed (informally) with ASD. I have been pushing for this confirmation for awhile now and he admitted to me after getting diagnosed that he didn't actually think he would be, that the doctor would just say something about how all women think their husbands are autistic. Granted, reading through some of the testimonials here, I am probably one of the luckier partners because he is not a monster by any means. However...... the inflexibility, the self centeredness, the defensiveness, the lack of ANY common sense whatsoever, the inability to upkeep or manage anything in the house, the total lack of empathy.... I hear you all loud and clear on those points. It has driven me so close to the point of insanity and I have lost myself in this relationship no doubt. He masks his true self so well to outsiders, I would venture to say they don't know him at all. He insists on being weird though, and outlandish, and like a 13 year old boy with his sense of humor. He actually enjoys doing embarrassing things and being "irreverent." I cannot speak about anything philosophical or metaphorical at all. I've just gotten so used to it and again, I've really lost myself.... I vaguely remember who I used to be and I want myself back. I don't know how to get there though.


Amelia
5:03 AM
Sat 12th Oct, 2019

I am so grateful for everyone who shares their experience on this site. It is always comforting knowing that you are not alone in this struggle. I have been married for 5 years to my undiagnosed ASD husband. One month into our marriage, he dropped the facade he had put on during our courtship. Day after day, it has been a slow decent into Hell. I had us attend marriage counseling but it didn't last long because he had a meltdown and stormed out of the counselors office. I'll never forget the look on the counselors face!! After much research and a seemingly never-ending roller coaster of chaos from my husband, I finally discovered that I am dealing with the insanity of a very high functioning autistic. Having that knowledge brought me most of my sanity back. I am better equipped to handle his behavior and detach emotionally now. It doesn't always work, but at least I don't feel like I am going completely insane. I have to protect what is left of "me" until I can find a way out. The hardest thing for me to deal with at this stage is sexual intimacy. I find it unbearable to engage with him sexually because we have zero emotional connection. During the first few years of our marriage I was initiating sex multiple times a week. I always put forth all the effort and thought that we would become closer and form a deep emotional bond. My attempts backfired. Although he seemed to enjoy the sex (because I was doing all the work) afterward he would need to retreat. He would act strange and more distant. My attempts at conversation would be met with his overly formal manner of speaking. I felt like even more of a stranger to him than his wife whom he was just intimate with. This wore me down and now I have no desire to be with him in that manner. He will now have periods of rage towards me because I do not want to have sex. He follows me around the house insulting me and ranting for hours some days. When he does this I try to leave because he is in a state of psychosis. When I return he usually acts as if nothing has happened. He seems to not understand that he can't verbally insult me and then expect sex later in the evening. I have beaten my head against the wall trying to explain to him that without emotional connection there can be no "real" sex. I'm tired of his robotic mannerisms, blank stares, scripted responses and forced phony laughter.


D.
12:42 AM
Sat 12th Oct, 2019

I don't even know where to start. No one knows what to do, how to handle it. He seems totally normal, right? WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. Can I complain about how this angry robot has ruined my life, extinguished my spark ANYWHERE without getting shouted down for being SO DAMNED MEAN to people with this disability? NO! Everyone just expect me to take it and take it and take it with a smile. I can't. I cry every day before even getting out of the bed he abandoned sometime in the night. I cry in the shower, knowing full well I won't get a hug or possibly even an acknowledgement. YET I AM THE JERK FOR BEING UPSET ABOUT IT. I just want to give up. Walk in front of a bus. Make it end.


jb
12:12 AM
Thu 10th Oct, 2019

I, like David and many others return to this sight for support and validation. Also, through the insanity and abuse of the past eight years from the aspie to whom I am married, I have looked at my behavior and how I ended up in such a mess. I too have always accepted people at face value, am often shocked and speechless when people are rude or unkind to me or others. In the past, I would make excuses for people such as they must be having a bad day, etc. or wonder what I did to upset them. Now my boundaries are so strong, I will tolerate very little. Sometimes, I feel cruel by pulling away, but I need to protect myself. You know the saying, 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them'. The scary part of all of this is aspies like narcissists are very good at camouflaging their true characters. Right now I feel so sad, frightened, and I am struggling to feel any hope.


facilitator
7:06 AM
Sun 6th Oct, 2019

David talks about being caught up by someone with autism who is charming and beguiling and then their real persona appears shortly afterwards. People with autism are well able to camouflage their difficulties in public and will be charming in order to capture the heart of someone who is their special obsession. When that person is well and truly "caught" they revert to their real self.


David
7:10 PM
Sat 5th Oct, 2019

I've posted to this helpful site before and keep checking it for support and validation. One thing that I've noticed about the comments is how much suffering many of us have endured by being with someone who has high functioning autism, and yet we decided at one point that they were terrific partners. Why does this happen in the first place? I met a woman who was so interesting on the surface, with such quirky and unconventional thoughts, that it was appealing, charming, and endearing. I was taken off guard- She idealized me, which felt good at first (if not a little uncomfortable), then devalued me, then suddenly discarded me. If she hadn't told me that she had been diagnosed with Asperger's, I would have thought in retrospect that she had full fledged narcissistic personality disorder. I am the kind of person who constantly tries to see the good in people and help them- often to my detriment- and wanted to understand her as much as possible and give her the benefit of the doubt, based upon the idea that Aspergers is a disability and that people with disabilities should be treated with compassion. Knowing that she had Aspergers ironically kept me interested in her for too long, thinking that if I only tried hard enough, I could "rescue" her from her condition and help her understand how life would be better for both of us together as opposed to apart. I was so wrong. I now realize that she didn't want to be "rescued" (and it's not my job to rescue her in the first place), and that she was perfectly content staying in her own, self-centered, black and white world, seeing others like me as the one with the problems. I've finally come to terms with the fact that there is no hope for a meaningful, reciprocal relationship with someone like this, but it took 2 years of my trying, and of her silent treatment, and of countless, ignored e-mails, texts, and letters, to figure that out. I feel embarrassed but at the same time feel good that I tried to salvage something that I thought was important, and in the process gained some insight into myself so that perhaps I can avoid this in the future. So for all of you who got trapped in a relationship with an aspie, just realize that perhaps there is something about us that makes us want to help others too much, we are too quick to give others the benefit of the doubt, and we therefore make ourselves vulnerable to people with predatory narcissistic tendencies (and I place Aspergers in that category) who take advantage of our giving personalities. Perhaps we need better boundaries to protect ourselves from being attracted to such people in the first place. Aspies can be very clever, conniving, and hurtful- whether they mean it or not becomes irrelevant to the person on the other end of their behavior. I have learned from this experience, but as a result I do have scars that I would prefer not to have at this point in my life.


Mary
6:22 AM
Thu 3rd Oct, 2019

Hello everyone I am glad to find this site.Last month my 22 year old son is diagnosed with ASD. In 2017; While attending University, he is diagnosed with Depression.He has been given antidepressants by a psychiatrist at an emergency room of mental health facility. He attended CBT for a year. Still he struggled with his academic work. In 2018, he was seen by a psychiatrist specializing his age group and diagnosed within two months after performing written tests and collateral information from his psychologist and family members.A few years back, my son himself had a suspicion about this and did an online testing by himself. Even though I work in mental healthcare area, it was difficult for me to accept it. Definitely it was an eye opener for my own struggles with my husband. We were married for 26 years and now I understood the reasons for his cold behavior. Always he blamed me and I assumed something wrong with me. No one understood my struggles. After my son’s diagnosis, I researched on this topic extensively and learned about NT spouses. Some testimonies sounded exactly like mine. Thanks for sharing your experiences and felt like I am not alone in this.


Jackie
12:08 AM
Tue 1st Oct, 2019

I have a lot to say but no time because I was reading about everyone who could have been writing my story. Very thankful to be here. Told my aspie husband I felt like dying (almost crying)when we were driving last week and he gives me a pat on the back and a quick “ahh”. End of story, no asking why or ANYTHING.Will write later!


Just Breathe
3:31 AM
Sun 29th Sep, 2019

I just found yesterday that my husband of 3.5 years is high functioning autistic. It answers so my questions... since the day we married it has been a roller coaster ride of chaotic craziness... he has a high paying job and does really well at work, and as I’m writing these he turns to me and says, maybe I can draw disability and stay home all day with you! I told him if you quite your job you’ll be living alone! God help Me! Reading your testimonials is terrifying, and makes it hard to breathe! Pray for me as I navigate my future. Thank you for sharing


Jeannette Cook
1:25 AM
Sat 28th Sep, 2019

My contribution must have been one that was lost. My saga has been going on for 40 years. Only in the last 10 have I been aware that it is not me. At 66 years old it is impossible for me to get out. Our finances are too entwined for now. I am learning to deal with it, and wish there were more information for those of us who can't leave. My health has really taken a nose dive from all the stress. If someone has the secret formula to dealing with this problem, I would like to hear it. For now, I am stuck.


Christine
9:53 AM
Tue 24th Sep, 2019

Some of my thoughts after reading the most recent testimonials: 1) The "happily ever after" fairy tales we are raised with are dangerous to our well-being. We are set-up for unrealistic expectations for adult relationships. Especially harmful is Beauty and the Beast. Belle stays because she is a prisoner. Love reforms the beast in the fairy tale but love can't reform an Aspie. No level of self-sacrifice is ever enough. 2) If anyone ever refers to women as the "weaker sex," have them read these testimonials for a taste of the degradation that women married to Aspies endure. 3) I have concluded that Aspies need the robot "Stepford Wives" from the 1975 movie based on the Ira Levin novel. These robot wives will be the mothers and caretakers the Aspies need with no expectation of reciprocity that real women in real relationships require.


Roisin
8:00 AM
Mon 23rd Sep, 2019

One thing that has always mystified me about my former AS partner is the way that he could completely “fake it,” turning on charm and sweetness to neighbors and to his gym acquaintances, on a daily basis, and saving the cold indifference for me, the person who loved and cared for him. It was baffling - why not reserve the kind facade for the person at home, and put up uncaring barriers with actual strangers? I asked him about this a few times, and of course received no response. Birthday cards and generous gifts to a couple of distant relatives, regularly, I suppose to maintain a positive image in their eyes? I used to thank him for “the crumbs from his table” that he would occasionally toss in my direction. Exhausting, humiliating. So glad to be away from this man!


Michele
1:36 AM
Sun 22nd Sep, 2019

I come to this sight often to read about others and they're experiences because it's the only real support that I have. Unless you live in this type of relationship, you simply just can not understand it. I have been married for 32 years to an undiagnosed aspie. I have 3 grown children. One child and 1 grandchild are autistic as well. My life has always been a long, and lonely nightmare. Since there was no information years ago about autism I've spent my life blaming myself and trying to change myself. I believed that our marital problems were my fault because that's what my husband always told me. In the process of trying everything under the sun to make my husband "like" me, I had hopes that if I could find the right fix then he might finally treat me better. During this unsuccessful process I lost my entire being and today have no idea who or what I really am. I stayed in the marriage for my children believing that they needed both parents. In reality, which I didn't seen then, I really was the only parent that was there for them. By staying all I really did was expose my children to daily lessons of how to verbally, emotionally and physically abuse me, how to view me as a worthless piece of trash, to degrade me, call me horrible names, and to disrespect everything about me. My married life has been nothing more than me being totally alone. I've never had a partner,supporter, co parent, or friend in my husband, and have spent my adult life being his doormat and his mother. I've had to be responsible for all of the parenting, the bills, everything, all while he devoted his life to his job and to his need to check sport scores multiple times a day. He has no ability to communicate, he has zero comnon sense, zero friends, everything has to be done his way and his way only, he has no ability to be compassionate or caring, or to understand the difference between what's acceptable and what isn't. His only emotion is anger. I know that aspies have a different way of thinking about things than neuros do, but that doesn't mean that they can't understand right from wrong. I know that he knows better than to do what he does, but he also thinks that he can do no wrong. I also know that he really could care less about me or my feelings enough to work on changing his repetitive behaviors and bad choices. My biggest regret for staying with someone incapable of being selfless, is the effect that it had on my children. Since they grew up thinking that this was all normal, I now have a daughter who chooses bad people to be in relationships with, which causes consequences for my grandchild. For that, I will never be able to forgive myself. After 32 years I no longer have the strength to cope with how things are, and am looking for a way out. In the meantime I'm working hard on getting my daughter the help that she now needs in making better choices and in knowing how she deserves to be treated.


Mandy
5:04 AM
Sat 14th Sep, 2019

After being married for 21 years to an undiagnosed Aspie I finally left. I literally felt myself going mad. I became his mother, taking care of bills, household repairs,organising holidays and being the breadwinner as he was waiting for the ‘ big break’ that was coming his way. Refused to work in any menial jobs, set up hidden bank accounts for his own use, never paid for coffee/ drinks if he was out with his only friend or family...completely and utterly self absorbed. He only did what he wanted to do and only ‘ when he was ready’ . Wouldn’t do something just to make me happy. I told him many times the small things he could do eg. take me to a movie, buy me a coffee.. On our wedding day he took me up in a helicopter as a surprise, even though he knew I was scared of small planes/ heights. We had marriage counselling but he refused to participate, unable to speak about his feelings ( I only ever saw anger... no joy or sadness or regret) He then turned on the counsellors, gave them a list of grievances about their failings and refused to go back to them. At that point I realised it was like banging my head against a brick wall. We were never going to be a team,an impossible marriage and I deserved better. I can not describe the absolute peace and joy I now feel away from this man. Not his fault I know, but not relationship material...


Carolyn
4:02 PM
Thu 12th Sep, 2019

I'd like to add the voice of someone who realized, in hindsight, that my father was asd. Although he passed away in 1997 at 68yrs. old. It was a relief to get a label for his lack of empathy, rages, restricted interests (WWII, rifle marksmanship) and the total cut off he did with his 7 children when he divorced my mother after 23 yrs of marriage. He was an anesthesiologist, making good money, and left her for someone else. He spent a lot of money trying to avoid paying her her due. Smart, selfish, short fused, no friends to speak of, self-involved, solitary. It was no surprise perhaps, when I found myself married for 21 years to a man with ADHD and narcissistic features. My upbringing had created an expectation that I would receive little attention and that this was normal. I divorced my husband because the lack of attention and consideration was too painful to bear any longer. As I read these testimonials I am moved at the level of confusion and pain experienced. It is SO confusing to be with someone not NT. The mind tries and tries to find a way to make sense of something that makes no sense to an NT brain. I encourage people who no longer have any happiness to do whatever they can to free themselves from the situation. Life can become brighter and more worthwhile. And for the good of the children, believe me you are not necessarily doing them a favor by keeping them exposed to the lack of empathy in an asd parent. Even if it seems impossible for practical reasons to get out, keep looking for a way. One might show up, or you might be able to create one.


Jessica
11:00 AM
Wed 11th Sep, 2019

After reading the testimonials,I am much more convinced that my partner has asd. However I am very thankful that it isn’t as bad as some of the comments I’ve read. My partner seems to make attempts at correcting the unacceptable behavior. Be that as it may, this relationship can be so stressful at times and I feel like I’m making most of the concessions because he just doesn’t “get it”. Throughout his college and post graduate education, he was described by many as “weird”. I saw this early on but thought that since he was a nice guy, I would give him a chance. We live together, and he never even purchased groceries for about two months until I asked him to. He would never buy milk and one day after I finished the milk and started eating cereal, he asked me to pour some of my milk out of my bowl to give to him. I got so frustrated and asked him to buy milk. He said “ok” in an Ashamed manner like he realized how he was being by never buying groceries. He always bought groceries after that. He does this thing where he hits/taps my knee during movies. I ask him to stop and he continues. He said that when you love someone, you should be able to tolerate them. I followed that with, if you love someone and you know something bothers them, you should stop. I got so annoyed to the point where I told him that if there is a movie or show that I really would like to see, I can’t go with him. Then after seeing a show without him, he gets mad at me and just doesn’t understand why I just don’t deal with the tapping. He just doesn’t get it. I’ve talked to so many friends about this issue and they all agree-just stop. Then in therapy and he is upset because I say that next time we are in the movies, he should just not touch me. He’s upset because he doesn’t want us to be the old couple that never touches. It’s like there is absolutely no reasoning with him sometimes. It’s like certain things just don’t make sense in his mind. And there’s his goddamn phone. Earlier in the relationship it was so bad that I felt like I was by myself when I was with him. To the point where I thought about breaking up with him. We talk about it in therapy, and it’s gotten better...but then there are days like today where he’s been on his phone a ton when I’m talking to him. He doesn’t even look up. Then tonight, when we get home from a night of me talking to him while he stares at his phone, he’s upset when I don’t want to lay on the couch and cuddle. It’s like ok now you’re ready to see me today? I don’t get it. We’ve gone over this in therapy and I’ve told him how it makes me feel. I just needed to vent and let that out


Paul
7:27 AM
Wed 11th Sep, 2019

My partner and I are gay and have been together nearly 18 years I’m not sure when I realised he has Aspergers Life is not easy. At times, I have contemplated suicide. I wish I had never met him. I imagine how my life without him could be and how relaxed I’d feel. There is nothing I can say about him which I find likeable. I don’t hate him....just feel sorry for him.....and me. We don’t socialise and tend to keep ourselves to ourselves as that is how my partner prefers it. Yet, amazingly , we have recently become friendly with another couple...a husband and wife. My partner is comfortable with them and enjoys their company. When I have spent time with them on my own I have spoken of the difficulties and stresses I feel living with my partner. They have noticed things about him and asked me if I thought he had Aspergers. Of course I said yes. I had believed that sharing this knowledge with someone else, would give me a sense of relief. In fact, I feel I have been disloyal to my partner and , in a way, betrayed him. It feels like a secret which should have remained unspoken. Yet it wasn’t OUR secret...it was MY secret. He thinks he is perfect and everyone else is at fault so how could he see things from my perspective. He can’t. I feared I may have risked losing the friendship of this couple, but for now, they still want to see us. If anything, I think they may be showing more patience and understanding. I probably should try and be more positive when chatting to them as I don’t want to be seen as the ‘bad guy ‘ here. But it’s hard...very hard. Trying to create an illusion that ‘everything in the garden is rosy ‘ when it’s not , is not easy. I’m not sure what the point of my comments is , maybe confessing the guilt I feel at telling someone else my belief that my partner has Aspergers. I do feel resentment toward to him as to how our life together has not resulted into a happy partnership. It’s one sided in his favour as I give in to his wants and demands in an attempt to maintain the peace. More fool me I guess.


Myra Simone
9:16 AM
Mon 9th Sep, 2019

trying to plan a vacation with my husband has left nothing but sadness and even more isolation. He had a meltdown with me in a very small sushi restaurant. Several of my business associates were there. It was humiliating . I just got up and walked home. Why? Because he told me we were going to Europe even talked to me about using our credit card points to upgrade us on the flight. The owner of the restaurant came over to say hello to me because we know each. other. In the conversation my husband told him we were going to a place 6 hours from our house for vacation. First I ever heard of it . So I questioned him and he proceeded to have a meltdown. I would love to be without him but after 25 years of marriage I feel like I should just stay put. I have to say I have no idea who I am around him, anymore. The meaner he has become the stronger my anti-depresssants have become.


B
11:01 AM
Sat 31st Aug, 2019

I just wanted to thank you. I'm glad I came across this website. I'm a man but it's the SECOND Asperger's woman I attracted into my life and I can FINALLY understand what was going on. I'm a bit of a caretaker and too nice for my own good, I tend to attract crazy but, but this last time I thought I was really in love, with a character she was playing. Now I know the two autistic women I let into my life aren't the run of the mill narcissists, the sex, the driving, the speech, the creepy motionless face, the sensitives to flavors and textures, the inflexibility, controlling... I feel less horrible and confused at least knowing what hit me. I'm getting better at defending myself. All this "ableism" bullshit is becoming dangerous......... Thanks again for this website! It made me pull out of the relationship before it got even worse. I'm glad she wasn't especially good at maintaining the facade longer as well. :)


Mirna
12:09 PM
Fri 30th Aug, 2019

I am tired of being the mother of my high functioning autistic husband. I do not know what to do when my husband who is 45 years old needs more help than my actual children. I have to tell him how, when and why to do everything. My nine and ten years old children understand more than my husband. I have been married for over 11 years and I really want to divorce him. I am emotionally and physically exhausted.


Berlin
8:31 PM
Sat 24th Aug, 2019

My husband of 26 years has recently been diagnosed with high functioning Aspergers. I suppose the diagnosis has offered some context and insight into why I have endured decades of loneliness, passive aggression, and emotional coldness that has left me depressed and bitter. For financial reasons, divorce isn't an option at the moment. My husband is intelligent and quite gentle, but he has also been deceptive, a relentless "right fighter", utterly incapable of empathy, completely friendless, clueless about my emotional needs, and a cheater. What does an NT wife do with an Aspie who inflicts unbearable emotional pain through his infidelity and then has no idea how to repair the damage he created? The "empathy deficit" certainly comes in handy for him, and this is what I resent the most. I have trouble sympathizing with a condition when that condition causes me pain and absolves him from responsibility. Aspies can inflict pain and then simply walk away from you with no accountability to the damage they've caused. How does one deal with that?


Sarah
6:51 AM
Fri 16th Aug, 2019

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be married to a ' normal ' guy. Go out for a meal? Go to the local pub and talk to people? Have friends around for a meal? (Firstly, need to have friends.) Go to a party that someone that doesn’t know us very well has invited us to? Agree TOGETHER that we should decorate the living room? Agree on how to decorate it? He really doesn't care how it’s decorated. Now, I really don't care if it ever gets decorated. What’s the point there's only him and me that sees it. I listen all the time to 'his stuff' but anything I say is interrupted or ignored. I have told him over the last 5 years about health issues I have, and are only going to get worse, but unless I present with a broken leg in a plaster cast he won't take any of it in. I keep going. I keep doing all the things I should and he doesn’t notice when I'm struggling……………A couple of years ago I got rushed into hospital and may not have survived. When I was sent home all he said was he had missed me because he needed me to do the house work. Well that showed how much he cared…………All the autism sites tell me it’s not his fault. But does that mean his deficits are my fault? I have abandoned all hope of a normal, sociable life of partnership with my husband. We sit out a waiting game. Which of us will die first? In truth I wish I could wake up dead tomorrow.


jodie
7:47 PM
Tue 13th Aug, 2019

Quote, "I never feel humiliated." Make sense of this if you can. My husband with ASD of 20 years said this.There's no understanding of emotions in ASD. They claim they have empathy but they have no understanding of the profound consequences of emotion. The only emotions they feel are negative fear and worry.


Lani P
7:55 AM
Mon 12th Aug, 2019

My undiagnosed AS husband of 20 years was so oblivious he almost let me die at home this winter. Thank angels for my daughter who checked up on me and saved my life from ending there on the sofa from a serious illness. I can't even describe what it is like to be in a marriage like this but i am glad to have found this site. Thank you all for sharing and for anyone going thru this now - GET OUT while you can. Love to you all.


Roisin
4:44 AM
Mon 5th Aug, 2019

This is a much-appreciated, validating site. Scary but necessary to share my experience. I was in a relationship with an undiagnosed AS man for nearly six years; still suffering some PTSD, Cassandra syndrome, over two years later. Was frequently abused physically and emotionally. The worst was when, during a visit to our jointly-shared storage unit, he threw a wreath laced with sharp seashells into my forehead, cutting me up - (it was like "the crown of thorns," blood trickling down my face - I had simply suggested that he put some high school and college journals that had been sliding around in the back of the car for seven months into the unit!)- unbeknownst to either of us, there was a man in the storage facility who had witnessed everything, and announced that he was calling 911. I was shoved into the car and, when we returned home, I was crying and bleeding. I asked, "What if I have scars?" He stood, unemotional, and responded "I have scars all over my body." I said, "Not from having someone that you love hurting you --- from fishing and chores." He said, totally calmly, "I will go get you some Mederma," and left.... Separate bedrooms, robotic sex, no passion, no empathy, all sorts of secrets and information withheld from me....OCD, totally regimented behavior...I was an easy target all of the time, although I tried and tried to support all of his obsessions, to the detriment of my own interests and well-being. Constant isolation, silent treatment, leading to despair and sadness. Fake persona displayed to neighbors and his few family members, and after those rare visits and encounters he would become completely debilitated and totally unresponsive to me. I was lucky to have been able to extricate myself from this relationship- I am strong and have been able to rebuild my life, but still sustaining horrific nightmares sometimes. To those involved-- all of you NT's -- my deepest empathy. Had I understood what I was getting into at the beginning, I would have run for my life much earlier. There is hope, and help, and you are not alone!!!


Sarah
2:11 AM
Mon 5th Aug, 2019

I've read alot of the testimonials and realise how old some of us are .Aspergers hadn't been identified when a lot of us met our husbands. In fact I guess we had already gone through a nightmare of 20 years before having any idea .I know I did . From the time I met him I looked after him . All I am now is his carer . There is no partnership . There is no 'doing things together ' I listen to him when he's ' banging ' on about things . I say ' I'm not disagreeing with you ' but still he goes on and on as if I was. He isn't all bad . In a lot of ways he could be described as a nice guy . But he has no understanding of a marriage partnership . No idea of anything that I might need . There is no spontaneous affection . If I get a hug its because he has suddenly remembered that that's what NT s want . Sex ? Let's not be silly here .


JR
11:40 AM
Wed 31st Jul, 2019

Our wedding was in 1975. He was intelligent, charming, in an excellent job. He was 34, i was 24. A year later i became pregnant with twins. I went into labor at 7 1/2 months. He went to work. I had to call ambulance. Lost twins. Hospital rang him at work. He remained at work, stopped in on way home. Gave me gift of perfume, no hug or comforting. Worked all next day,again stopped at hospital on way home. I was sent home with him. Next day he went off on 3 day business trip, i laid in bed and cried, all alone. We eventually had a beautiful son. He has no affection for him, treats him either like a playmate or emotional punching bag. He had high level job in Manhattan, company gave him big promotion. He accepted new position, then walked out to work with man he hardly knew. Lasted 3 months, he walked out. Unknown to me, he stopped paying our mortgage. When bank about to reposess house he took off to Wisconsin leaving me and our son to discover our home was no longer ours. We moved to Florida. Husband began coming to visit, then showed up demanding to move in. Our son married, moved to Seattle away from his father. My life has always been focused on our son, protecting him. Now husband is 79, i am 69. Divorce at this stage of life not for me. He continues believing he is perfect husband and father, my son and i could fill several books with the Hell he has put us through over the years. I have friends and social life and live separate life from husband who has never had a friend nor wants one and his family closed their doors to him many years ago. I have recently discovered Aspbergers and now can understand all of what i have endured. There should be required testing before marriage licenses are issued so people can know beforehand and have ability to walk away and find a loving caring happy marriage with someone else..and children can have TWO loving caring affectionate parents.


MM
6:36 PM
Thu 25th Jul, 2019

I am married to an undiagnosed Aspergers or ASD 46 year old man for 19 years. We have 2 kids, boy and girl, our boy is diagnosed ASD because I pushed to know what was going on and needed to know how to help him. My marriage or should I say lack of relationship has become intolerable. I am trapped in this loveless home, where there is no joy, no love, only existing... I am the care giver to all 3, my husband is the bigger child. His moods are terrible, coming home from work creates and anxiety I cannot describe as am I going home to Jekyll or Hyde. I want to stay in our home with our kids and have asked him to leave and he refuses saying we leave in a box. I do not want to unsettle my kids but I think I will have to go uprooting my little ones all to give him his own way, yet again. It's his way or no way. I have no opinion that he acknowledges, he makes decisions and doesn't tell me. It's like I have no right to know anything that's happening. He has no empathy or consideration for my extended family but for his own he puts on an act of mr nice guy. he says nasty things then denies it. We have had very little physical relationship in the last 19 years, He told me he doesn't like it but wanted the kids. He says he has no urge towards me and but that he wants to keep the house together, which I take it to mean I continue to be Cinderella. He will never leave this house and is using our son to ensure than I don't either. I feel trapped, it's like a hostage situation where even my thoughts and actions are controlled to keep the peace. It's exhausting, I feel like the happiness has been sucked out of me leaving this damaged, shell of a person. Anti depressants have helped in the last 6 or 7 years. It's sad to admit that to get through life you need to medicate whilst my Husband plods along "fine with Fine". He's happy, hasn't changed in the last 20 years. Nobody outside our house had a clue that I was living this joke of an existence as he would always push that we have a great marriage "we never argue" - so True! because we never talk to argue! unless it's to do with a need to talk. I have been his Mother and that's what he wants... not a wife.... not a friend or partner... a Mother who will do everything but wipe his rear. I feel used, neglected, unloved. I am 44, feel like I can't wait for my life to be over to have peace in my head. I have become brainwashed to try to keep my Husband and Son calm, don't rock the boat, keep the house quiet, running like a train where change or anything spontaneous is veto'd. Visitors are not welcome. We are isolated and he works 100% from home so he is now in the house all the time. Never leaves, there is no respite from this hell. He has decided the marriage is going to work and therefore as he thinks it then I must too as he cannot see I have an opinion or original thought of my own. By work he means continue as is, like Groundhog Day. No intimacy (not that I want that now) no laughs, just work, sleep, eat, stay in the house, see no one. 44 and I want my life to be over but my source of strength to keep going are my 2 kids and trying to limit the amount of influence he as on them.


Sarah
3:06 AM
Tue 23rd Jul, 2019

NT married to an aspie . OMG . My life .Am I screwed or what . Yes I guess I am . He's not violent now . Had too much to lose didn't he ? 40 plus years of having the life sucked out of me I have no hope left . I just want to be no more .


Laura
1:06 AM
Sat 20th Jul, 2019

Thank you for all of your testimonials. I am an (inordinately patient and accommodating) step mother of an undiagnosed 12 year old with ASD. The impact it has on all of us is immense and there's no recognition or even belief of this amongst anyone we know therefore no support or empathy. I have often felt like leaving but I love my husband so much and we have a young child together who I don't want to take away from her family home. Walking on egg shells all the time, being held hostage in our home, every single event that is supposed to contain joy being full of melt downs and stress is just an awful experience of life. Whenever you confide in anyone they say " Well it's much worse for your step daughter who is in a state of heightened anxiety" I know this and we act accordingly, accommodating her every wish and need for control but it makes life heavy and isolated and boring. Birthdays, holidays, Christmases, gatherings, celebrations, days out are all fraught with tension to the point where I now avoid these events and feel I don't have a full life. She is awful towards her mother it's like watching someone have to be in an abusive relationship with no way out, this impacts her mum's mental health very badly. I'm so glad I found this forum, i have just read the Cassandra Syndrome page and it has really resonated with me.


janis
7:38 AM
Sun 14th Jul, 2019

I cannot thank you enough for your article on Post Traumatic Relationship Syndrome. I think it is brilliant! It is a spot on analysis of what I have experienced in my almost 40 year marriage and am in the process of healing from now.......I think that one's fundamental beliefs in the goodness in people and fairness in life is a double edged sword. First it works to confuse and blind us to the true nature of what is happening to us at the time and then once we free ourselves from the abuser, it shakes us to the core to have to take our rose colored glasses off and see the horrendous reality of our life experience.....Your article is a wonderful gift for those who, unfortunately, from their own experience really get it. Thank you so much!!!


Magenta
4:02 AM
Fri 12th Jul, 2019

I read the testimonials and I agree with everyone's testimonials. I am married to someone who had just been diagnosed with high functioning autism and I am really considering whether I should continue the relationship or not. We've been together for 10 years but married for almost 5 years. Throughout our relationship I have always wondered what was going on. The mood swings, the lack of commitment, the stone walling, the insults, the projections and lately, the financial burden because my husband just decided to quit his work despite accumulating a big debt which I now have to shoulder. His excuse is - now he is an autist, he refuses to work a normal job. In the meantime, I have to pay for all the bills and his debt, deal with his mood swings and still end up being the bad person or the "damaged one" in all our arguments. His late diagnosis just gave a name to the craziness he has been showing through the years. But now that he is diagnosed, he has the license to be more crazy, more obnoxious and more entitled. I'm really at my last drop because if I don't get a divorce, I think I am going to turn crazy myself. The burden without the reciprocation is just too much. If I would've known he is an autist I would not have married him. He masked his behaviour when we were new together and I though I have found the one. I even moved countries, quit various jobs, sold my house and my possessions to be with him. These sacrifices will never be paid off or reciprocated. I always have to be the one to compromise until I am starting to feel I am no longer me. Its just too much to sacrifice, it takes everything from you. It will still not be enough and it will never stop.


Frustrated Coworker
7:48 PM
Thu 11th Jul, 2019

I’m not in a relationship with one, but because I have to work closely with this person, it sure feels like it, and I think I may be losing my mind. I love my job, and went through a harsh training period, but am now up to speed and good at what I do. Unfortunately, I have a coworker who blatantly ignores rules, won’t respond to advice or reminders to stop making the same mistakes - NEVER apologizes when called out for being lazy or repeatedly doing a part of the job wrong. The best part is that if she starts watching me work (which sometimes she does, and it’s creepy), she’ll find something to nitpick, and will start screaming rudely at me about it. She speaks to me in a rude, informal manner - when she communicates at all. That’s another part of her problem. She won’t communicate when it’s important. If I need to know something about what we’re supposed to be cooperating on, I can depend on her to not tell me, and it feels deliberate. She’s been told repeatedly by our boss to stop withholding important details because it hinders the rest of us from getting our part of the job done properly, but she won’t listen. She won’t even respond to greetings, so I’ve stopped greeting her. Why bother? Because of all of this, I am 99.9% certain she has AS, but - thanks to labor laws - am not allowed to be informed. Well, that’s helpful, isn’t it? I could get in trouble if she decides I’ve taken a bullying tone with her when having to remind her to stop making certain mistakes if she’s part of a protected class, but I’m not allowed to know. It would also concretely explain why she does what she does, were I told directly, which would help me to understand that her actions aren’t malicious, and just take it in stride...but that’s the thing, isn’t it? People with AS can most certainly be intentionally malicious when they want to, and sometimes even target people in particular they decide they don’t like - but we can’t do anything about it. They’re disabled, so we have to just put up with it. I had my head bitten off every time I made the smallest mistake while I was in training, but she’s been with us for over a year now, and gets a pass for everything, even when she does dangerous things - repeatedly! There are things she’s done that normal people would have been fired for by now, but nope. Heaven forbid she should decide to sue for discrimination. So working with her is a living hell, and I’ve resorted to never speaking to her or responding to anything she says unless I absolutely must, because no matter how good my intentions might be, or how nicely I ask a question, it always ends badly. I never know when she’s going to snap and be rude, mumble an unintelligible response at me, or simply not even be bothered to listen to what I say, so I give up on it unless it’s basically an emergency. Otherwise, I wait until the boss turns up, or another coworker who can help out arrives. I’m sick to death of having to passively allow her inconsiderate, uncommunicative and sometimes belligerent behavior to slip on by, just because the company is afraid of getting sued if she decides she doesn’t want to take direction on a certain day, and it’s reaching a serious boiling point now, as I have to continually pick up her slack when she decides she just doesn’t want to complete a part of any given task. I’ll stand my ground because I’m good at my job, get along just fine with the rest of my coworkers, and refuse to let her chase me off, but it’s definitely a trying situation I wish there were some solution for. I’m grateful to have stumbled across this site. In this age of autism worship, it’s really nice to find a safe haven for people who are/have been abused or victimized by them. We seldom get to have a voice.


Dot
6:23 AM
Thu 11th Jul, 2019

Everyone who writes here is telling the truth about their relationships. I ran into an acquaintance the other day. He is autistic and has recently married. I asked him how married life was treating him. He said he didn’t realize she’d be around all the time, but he gets time to himself by going into the city two days a week. He paused and then said, “It’s good to have a friend.” I was beyond words. I wondered why he didn’t just get himself a pet. He’d love it more than he does his new wife.


Nora
2:45 AM
Wed 3rd Jul, 2019

I would like to thank the neurotypicals who use this site. I am an NT who is new to the experience of AS and I have been struggling with a new relationship with an AS man. It has been daunting and confusing, so I applaud you for clarifying what I suspected, but felt too guilty to embrace. Thanks especially to David.


Safe
5:56 AM
Mon 1st Jul, 2019

As I read the most recent posts, it came to mind that one of the reciprocal expectations in an adult relationship is trust. And, that is something we can never have with a person afflicted with Asperger's. The Aspie "relationship" begins with deceit. We fall in love with someone who does not exist. And, we find out slowly or quickly depending on how long each Aspie can keep up the mask. Once we find out, we can never trust them again. We ask ourselves, what else have they lied about? Are we simply momentary distractions from their netherworld? Whatever their motivation, it is always dishonest and always hurtful. They need to stop.


David
5:40 PM
Sun 30th Jun, 2019

I do not agree with the notion that Asperger syndrome is just a different kind of "normal".  That idea is simply propaganda promoted by militant Asperger activist groups and by professionals who enable their behavior and call it a variant of "normal."  What such professionals fail to realize is that humans have evolved over hundreds of thousands of years to have qualities like social connection, caring about each other, understanding each other's feelings, ability to relate to basic emotional needs, and emotional reciprocity.  This is not an accident.  These are some of the qualities of normal human behavior that have fostered success as a species, and we cherish those qualities in each other, because they make us feel safe and emotionally fulfilled- a basic human need.  The problem I have encountered in my life as a neurotypical is that people with Asperger syndrome are frighteningly good a mimicking normal when it suits them, only to entrap an unsuspecting victim into a relationship that is doomed to fail most of the time.  Websites like this serve an important purpose- it is to raise awareness that a small group of people exist who are simply not normal, but who are portrayed as such, and who can have a destructive effect on the rest of us.  We should have sympathy for such people, but we do ourselves a disservice by calling them normal, and becoming involved in a relationship with someone who cannot possibly meet our basic emotional needs.  Mental health professionals have become so consumed with protecting the rights of people with mental disabilities, that they have failed to protect those who have suffered mental illnesses as a direct result of interacting with mentally disabled people.  How screwed up is that?  Don't expect an Asperger patient to care about this- they will not even understand what you are talking about, and they will become offended- it is part of their mind-blindness. But I think it's reasonable to expect professionals to protect the rest of us, but they do not.  Therein lies the problem.  Everything is considered "normal" these days- we live in an "anything goes" society, where it is fashionable and politically correct to protect everyone.  That's fine, but I draw the line when protecting a minority group results in harm to the majority.  We should be able to protect both.


Jody
8:52 AM
Sun 30th Jun, 2019

In families and marriage partnerships where one person is neurotypical and another has Autism, the culture of telling neurotypicals to be more resilient by giving them a to-do list on how to manage and cope with their relationship to assist their autistic partners, ignores the shared responsibility of all parties………………..The current system of counselling, therapy and medication, as advocated by professionals and experts, is broken. Acknowledging that relationships can be very difficult for someone with Autism by its very definition, and warning the neurotypical of these truths, would allow neurotypicals to make informed decisions and choices which will affect the rest of their lives……………..Educating and informing neurotypicals that they will be expected to take up almost all of the slack in the relationship is the only ethical way. Mutual return of warmth, affection and partnership which is vital in intimate relationships, will be absent: intimacy dysfunction, disappointment and life-long loneliness for neurotypicals will be overwhelming…………………The current system is broken: vague, minimising definitions of the complex neurological, developmental, cognitive, physical disability that is Autism does no-one any real service. Trivialising and denying neurotypical concerns about real danger and emotional abuse that can happen to them as a result of the autistic person’s inability to cope in relationships, is unethical.


At wits end
6:05 AM
Tue 25th Jun, 2019

I’ve been married for 3 years, together for 6 to an undiagnosed 50yo man with Asperger’s. My son lives with us and his kids live far away (they visit twice a year). We started having issues when his kids would come and I would plan activities and work to get them to treat our house as a home. They didn’t care and what shocked me is neither did he……………We never had a united goal or front, he would say something to only get me off his back…………….On vacation last year I was so upset by his reaction in an argument that I mentioned it to a common friend. They mentioned they thought he was autistic and figured maybe that attributed to the reaction. I was confused. Autistic? Three days of googling. I was having anxiety (actually went to the ED thinking it was a heart attack) and horrified to realize how clearly, he fit the profile. It explained so much…….When I finally figured out the best way to bring it up, to my surprise, he wasn’t upset. He said some of his family members were mis-diagnosed with Asperger’s and he laughed it off. WHAT? He took a quick online test I found and argued about each question……………..He came home from work the next day and said he told the guys at work that I thought he was autistic and they laughed and said that’s what their wives think. I was horrified at how he diminished it to water cooler gossip…………….I Found 2 counselors online that I talked to in order to get more info on this new world to me, I was clueless about it………….We have been seeing a 2nd counselor now since Feb and honestly have not seen any change. He now uses the term Asperger’s as a way to blame me. “You think I have this, if so, you need to deal with it”………………….Over the last 3 months, I opened up to some friends about it and couldn’t believe their reaction. It’s like they think I’m crazy. I’ve since shut down sharing. Over a month ago, I lost it and he decided he couldn’t take it! He started sleeping in his son’s room and just acting like business as usual. I told him that he can’t live here like a roommate with my son. He said until I sell the house he’s not moving. Then he acts friendly…………….My son started asking why he was sleeping in a separate room. It’s been over a month now; he treats that as his bedroom and doesn’t even say good night anymore. My son asked to sleep with me last night and said he thought it was so weird he sleeps in his own son’s room. I had no response. He’s relaxed, even told me about a home project he’s planning to do this summer. No personal dialogue at all. It’s like nothing has happened.


Standing upright
11:55 AM
Sun 9th Jun, 2019

The previous posts explaining that narcissism is part and parcel of Asperger's helped me see his behavior for what it was ... all about him! How easy it was for him to blame everything on me, explode with rage, and tell me he no longer had feelings for me. He would not allow me to speak. He had to have the last word. After he broke up with me. He was immediately online looking for someone else. He is in denial about his Asperger's. It is easier for him to look for someone else than to face his "demons." In reality, he is incapable of relating to another human being. No amount of love, patience, kindness, or self-sacrifice matters. Yes, "beating a dead horse" is an apt description. And, "Do not cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." So happy to be standing upright again.


Me
8:58 PM
Fri 31st May, 2019

My husband suddenly left (to escape couples counseling) and we were living separately for a year in a financially unsustainable way of his own making. I had lawyers draw up a proposed divorce settlement. He didn't want a divorce so would not cooperate or discuss, but the financial and child situation did not allow me to leave without some reasonable cooperation from him. So we moved back in together. I tried to live as a self-sufficient, silent roommate but became depressed. Eventually, a year later, I broke down and told him I was not sure I could survive living together, that it is really not healthy for me to live with the lack of interaction, so much so that I often felt like I wish I could die, and that it had been really hard on me since he moved back in. He, meanwhile, had seemed perfectly happy and clueless the whole time. I told him I had been to a therapist, but her advice was to divorce. His only response was to say, "Holy bananas." At some point in the short conversation he said, without emotion, "It sounds like I have let you down in marriage." (This is NOT news to him, believe me, and we'd been in couples counseling, etc.) So I said, "Well, I've been talking about that for decades now and I don't think this conversation is more likely than any of the others to accomplish good rather than harm, so I'm going out." I worked alone in the yard for 2 hours then was heading out to do errands. He came to the car and said, "I have to ask you something. Do you have an actual plan to commit suicide or just a death wish?" I said, "I haven’t found any method that sounds foolproof, and it seems to me that being miserable and disabled would be worse than miserable and healthy.” He said happily, “Oh. So, not so bad then” and went back in the house. That was 3 months ago and there have been zero further words or changes on that or any other personal topic. He thinks he loves me and that he is a pretty decent husband.


Me
7:56 PM
Fri 31st May, 2019

We've been married almost 30 years. Because of family and finances, I cannot divorce at this point (I've tried a couple times) and probably not ever, but have thoroughly detached emotionally. We discuss any practical chores or arrangements by email while he is at work, and he cheerfully offers a sentence or two of bizarre news headlines while eating with the family in the evening. If someone tries to make conversation by asking him questions about the headline, he has no further information but will not admit that he has no actual idea what he is talking about. That is our entire personal interaction. Believe me, I have put in all the love and effort possible over the years, but the truth is, once I gave up, he became happier than ever. He doesn't want a wife who talks or feels, reaches out, offers kind words or ideas. I'd realized long ago he wasn't into conversation or partnership, but he's actually chipper and helpful if I completely ignore him. I have to not even say "hello," "goodnight," or "thank you" and share nothing of my thoughts or feelings, ever, for him to seem relaxed and for me to not be constantly hurting. He used to be amazingly passive aggressive, but now that I ignore the hell out of him he is more helpful. He still won't keep track of, plan, or remember anything, but he will do household projects (that he wants to do) with unfailing patience. I have to stay completely out of it and offer no advice, praise, or thanks or he goes passive aggressive again and delays or bungles the project. It's very hard to have friends of my own. It sometimes heals but often breaks my heart to have good times with others. It takes a lot of energy to switch back and forth from husband interactions to loving, talkative people interactions. To receive caring from others makes it harder for me to live in peace at home and not feel sorry for myself. When I tried to divorce, my best friends knew, but one just kept trying to analyze and help my husband, the other is frustrated that I didn't end up leaving, so my best relationships became strained. I hate all the advice to get emotional sustenance from others. My husband gets jealous if I have close relationships with others which adds additional difficulty. Not many married people socialize with just one of a married couple and I don't want to go anywhere with him. It's a hard row to hoe.


facilitator to "lost"
4:50 AM
Mon 27th May, 2019

Professor Tony Attwood has called the behaviour of people with Autism, "Jekyll and Hyde". They are charming outside the home, but change when they are inside home. Your spouse obviously believes he's really charming, which is an insult to you, his spouse, who sees his real behaviour.


lost
5:47 PM
Sun 26th May, 2019

He just said, if he was like what he is at home, outside, no-one would talk to him. Then he said he's his real self outside. What do I make of this?


Ann
5:47 AM
Fri 24th May, 2019

Reading these testimonials for several months now has helped me process an abusive relationship that I, a non-autistic woman, had with an autistic man – let’s call him Bob – in his 40s. I met Bob through mutual friends, who described him as “nice,” “quiet”, and “shy.” At first, Bob pretended that he was not autistic. Because we grew up in two different countries, speaking different languages, I initially blamed our painful communication issues on cultural differences. Bob and I shared the same career interests. I did not know then that Bob’s career was his special interest. Bob presented himself at being VERY successful in this field. I also did not know that Bob did not make ANY money. What I thought was Bob’s lucrative career was simply a hobby he did for fun. When I found out that he was living on social services, he blamed mysterious business partners on Bob’s poverty. Bob only divulged he was autistic after he had a VIOLENT melt down over a cup of lukewarm coffee that he deemed too warm. After this, fast forward into the future, he had such a bad meltdown that he kicked me in the stomach. Because here in 2019 in The United States there is a pro-autism movement in which media and celebrities promote the notion that autistic boyfriends are the most loyal, trustworthy mates…and also because I have a close autistic female friend…I thought I should embrace a romantic relationship with this “nice,” “quiet”, and “shy” autistic male. We had a TON of communication problems. My feelings were hurt when he spent all his time on the phone speaking with mutual friends, but never had the time or energy to speak with me. Also, he ignored my texts. What hurt me the most was how he ignored me on holidays. After educating myself on autism, I learnt that my birthday was probably not important to him, so I went out of my way in advance to explain that I needed him to wish me a happy birthday. He never wished me a happy birthday. Even though I explained to him many times in many ways how important holidays and birthdays were to me, he did not make any effort to celebrate them…yet, he happily let me spend $300 on his birthday dinner before my ignored birthday occurred. Over time, Bob seemed more and more narcissistic to me. I got therapy for being abused by a narcissist and never blamed autism on his bad behavior. Bob and I had an intimate passionate relationship at first, but over time, he was not interested in me in the bedroom…instead wanted to watch soft porn television shows in bed together. The few times we had sex, he gave me a sexually transmitted disease (STD). I did not know what was wrong and went to the doctor. After the doctor gave me treatment for the STD and I confronted Bob, he immediately admitted he had an STD. When I asked why he did not get treatment for it, he ignored me. Also, when we went out on *dates,* he always wanted us to be surrounded by tons of mutual friends. He seemed to prefer to be alone or in large groups (even though he complained about how he had to be “saved from these people” when in large groups). He did not like being with me alone unless an activity related to his special interest was involved. When I initiated the breakup, Bob recruited his FAMILY members to contact me to tell me to try and persuade me to stay in the relationship. Bob thought we should speak with his father, who he did not like, to see if his father had ideas about how our relationship could be saved. After getting to know Bob, I grew disgusted with him (his lack of taking care of his health, his poor hygiene and how he used other people and me for money) and wanted to run for the hills. I thought it would be ethical to meet with him in person and explain to him my reasons for ending the relationship. It was like speaking to a wall. After I tried to have an amicable breakup, Bob viciously stalked me. After changing all of my contact information, the stalking has seemed to stop, but that was only after he confronted MY family members, who don’t know the whole story and think he’s just a “nice,” “quiet”, and “shy” guy. How I wish the American media STOPPED praising people only because they are autistic. People are all different. Some bad and some good. The way the current media tells it, all autistic people are innocent and good. From my personal experience, I have learnt that autistic people can be VERY BAD. I have also learnt that I am unhappy when dating narcissists and that the autistic man that I dated was a TOTAL narcissist. If you are thinking about marrying an autistic man, like I did, seriously do your research and get to KNOW KNOW the individual. By default autistic people are narcissist, so if you want attention and to be respected be sure that the autistic person you are involved with works in a system in which both of your needs are always reciprocated.


Penny
4:51 PM
Wed 22nd May, 2019

How anyone can expect to have a warm, close, loving, sharing adult, intimate relationship with someone who is child-like, cold, unemotional (except for their need to use controlling anger, fear and worry: now called anxiety and depression by the expert buffoons) and totally self-centred beats me.


David
5:16 AM
Wed 15th May, 2019

In response to Lottie's comment about "a lot of you guys coming across as really, really ableist", I would point out something that is painfully obvious to most of the individuals contributing to this site. It is not our intent to discriminate against those with disabilities. If someone cannot walk well, we help them cross the street. If someone has an intellectual disability, we find ways for them to learn. But those with Asperger syndrome often and willfully masquerade as "normal" people, realizing full well that they have a disability that prevents them from understanding the rules of neurotypicals, and they compensate for this by learning to "act" normal…………Their disability is first known only to themselves, and it is cleverly disguised, until we find out too late and become entangled with it. In effect, we are victimized by a clever, premeditated, and dishonest ruse in many cases. We become unsuspecting victims of an intelligent and manipulative person who is an actor, and then when he or she gets what they want, the mask drops and we are caught in a marriage or serious relationship with someone who fooled us all along, and whose disability is largely incompatible with a normal, reciprocal relationship. I do not accept that simply calling Asperger’s a "disability" is an excuse to cause harm to others- especially since individuals with this condition are often aware at some level of the act they are playing…………..FACILITATOR’S COMMENT: Lottie and David are both correct. This is the cognitive dissonance for NT’s who live with someone with ASD. It is further compounded by experts and autism advocates who would have us continue to enable the person with ASD as a pretence to improving marriage. Thank you to both Lottie and David for their pertinent comments.


Lottie
10:05 AM
Sun 12th May, 2019

A lot of you guys come across as really, really ableist.


FP
3:59 PM
Fri 10th May, 2019

Hello, I just wanted to add my 2 cents to what "Estelle" wrote on 9th May 2019. She wrote: "He is mysterious about what he is working on, playing an over-busy person, though not hired anywhere and without any firm of his own. I notice that he is masculine but effeminate..." The same is true for the Asperger/HFA-colleague I have to deal with at work. He had not been hired anywhere before he joined our company (just a few odd jobs here and there), yet he portrayed himself as a successful person (and still does!). He doesn't even have an area specialisation in his field of work (which is very uncommon in our business). He also has a very effeminate side... to the point where many people are convinced that he must be gay. At the same point he seems to be kind of asexual and clueless about all things sexual. I also wanted to say that Estelle seems to be a very kind and considerate woman (like all the people who wrote testimonials). She derserves SO much better that the guy she is with now. Her gut feelings are screaming loud and clear: "Run! This is bad for you!" Our guts talk to us for a reason... Kind regards!


faciltator
5:10 AM
Fri 10th May, 2019

Narcissism is part of the behaviours of people with autism. It is not a separate mental illness.


Estelle
8:54 PM
Thu 9th May, 2019

I am with an Asperger too. Fantastic connection to start with for few months, very attentive and motivated, but always late without excuses. My first irritation about it seem to have ended his "high" love rush, I got a 2 weeks silent treat... Tok it up again, tried to understand how remarks can be taken so hardly on this side. Then, impossible to plan anything, he would dump me last minute on week-ends, probably having found something more interesting to do on his own eyes. I ended up being alone at last minute with limited possibilities to be then joined by friends. He is always justifying his absences with strange stories (stranger and stranger, in fact, much to doubt about). He is mysterious about what he is working on, playing an over-busy person, though not hired anywhere and without any firm of his own. I notice that he is masculine but effeminate, very concerned by his look, very sporty and top shape is important to him. He is walking - I should say running, he runs all the time, always late- with his arms in strange positions. He has an high IQ, very busy studying some subjects as an expert to impress people around. He is collecting systematically papers everywhere we go, concert, galleries, monuments, etc... even if already taken before. I am not allowed to go to his place, it is always at mine (it is not nice enough, he says, he has many things...). He is quickly in "bad mood", very easily overreacting, crise maximizing for small things. Then he is shuting down, hiding completely under the cover, he can not communicate anymore, can not be touched... It drives me mad... He expects only good vibes, even when he arrives one hour too late... Only times he is showing up on time is if I book an event, concert or other that starts sharp on time. But he is arriving running last minute... What I find very difficult is the insecurity he is building up in me, on what he really does (sickly busy with thousands papers home or with other ladies ?). Then the feeling of not being respected, not being important to him, given his own self centered attitude. I feel like a mistress of a married man, as he is so "unavailable", including on key dates, being birthdays, valentine, national day or whatever, when I would really count on his presence. He says he is fully honest and faithful... For long, I thought he was Asperger, then clumsy and tried to understand and cope... But honestly I see him now also as a narcissist, who seems to have fun hurting my feelings and sabotaging all opportunities that I regard as important for building our relationship... He is very handsome, has a very attaching side, a boyish candour, that is very charming, he can be impressive in knowledge, but I end up feeling alone and not understood in my needs. I am backing up now, it is too difficult... and when I read about those who courageously tried for many years here, I am thinking that there is no way to succeed in establishing a relationship that is balanced... I would need to be a robot to cope, without feelings and needs, I feel... The question is that he knows what I need and he can deliver it as he did to start with, but he choose not to do it then anymore, wanting still to stay in a relationship ? What is the point ?


Sharon
7:31 PM
Wed 8th May, 2019

Yes been there with an undiagnosed ASPIE spouse of 50 years. The brain configuration is different . No need to expect anything from your ASPIE spouse they really do not need you and prefer to be alone. It's your choice to make a life with them or not. The way to make your life tolerable is have plenty of friends and social activities for yourself do not include him as this is for you.stop having expectations. Enjoy the benefits of their positive attributes and find routines for yourself that work in a positive way.Dont be dependent upon your partner for your well being .Self help and a counselor is best. Stop expecting to be a couple as he can never fulfill that role in a traditional sense. His brain does not work like that as he can not empathize, nor does he have the need to be with you. He enjoys his own company more than others or yours. He does not need affection or physical intimacy. You will have to share that with others You will have to find solace in your time with others and pursue your own interests. The lack of executive functioning skills will drive you nuts so accept you will be the one to conduct all the responsibilities In your lives.he can do the routine repetitive tasks such as mowing lawns, folding laundry, emptying the dishwasher,buying the regular groceries. You will do all the home repairs or hire the handyman,you will plan and organize all the meals,you will be in charge of the finances,you will plan all the social activities or holidays. In short he can not think ahead to plan or predict any of these things. He can do jobs he is use to that are in front of him. Anything not planned ahead that he does not know about he will not take part in.so no new foods no new activities no new friends. He requires down time after any activity and requires time alone. This is the way it is.He is incapable of a partnership.


Chantal Cormier
12:12 PM
Mon 6th May, 2019

I dated a man when I was 25. He was smart, had a house and a good job. We went camping, fishing and bike riding together. Two years later, we married. The day after the wedding, ig was like a horror film. He refused to eat at the table with me and chose to eat while playing on the computer. When I asked him to dit with me he got mad and said: what for? I already know what you look like! When I asked if he was mad at me he got even madder and started to scream at me to leave him Alone. I cried myself to sleep each night as he was a truck driver and worked nights. I wondered what I did to upset him! Why was he so cold and unresponsive emotionally. What troubled me the most was how he’d get irritated and mad when I cried in front of him. He’d tell: Why are you crying g?? Do you feel sorry for yourself? Our daughter was born 4 months after we married. He actually left me alone most of the 48 hours at the hospital. When he cane to pick us up, he was on the phone with his friend making plans to go fishing for the week-end thé next day. I begged for him to help me. He exploded and screamed at me in the hospital room but did wind up cancelling his plans. He started the surent treatment that weekend. I was a new wife and new mother. He ignored me and refused to talk for over a week. I was so sad and devastated. When he finally talked to me I was so happy that I had no idea that I was being emotionally abused. When both my kids were diagnosed with asperger s and then he as well, it finally made sense. I’ve been criticized, ridiculed, mocked, screamed at, yelled at, ignored and isolated for 15 years. My two kids are more like me than him and they keep me going on the bad days. I’m not a bad person. My faith in God keeps me going. I’ve learned to ignore him and create a life of my own. I won’t rule out leaving him once the kids are moved out. At that point I think I’d feel to lonely to live here anymore.


T
3:11 AM
Mon 6th May, 2019

I am not new to this site, but this is my first time sharing my story. I am so grateful for all the experiences you have all shared. It has pulled me out of a relationship that was emotionally mentally sexually and even physically abusive. I had left many times before, but my addiction to the aspie lured me back. Not this time. I'm 4 months out, and last night I ran into him at a social gathering. My heart dropped, but not from want, from repel. I am a very loving being, who adores her friends kids family, and when I'm in my flow my soul shines bright. Just being in the room with him shuts me down, my soul shrinks into the tiniest little ball inside. He has left so much damage from being in an intimate relationship with him. They make you feel unseen, worthless and mold us to be their perfect object of companionship while disrespecting and degrading us. There is no love, you are not special in any way, just a thing or object. I could go on about the behaviours of high functioning autism but as you know or have read, there is many shared traits but so unique in your own situation. All I can say is this, we are beings of love and joy, and if we are ever in a situation that dims this in us, then our birthright to experience happiness and life with curiosity and joy will burn out. It is very hard to leave, and the real work is after you gone, trying to heal so many deep wounds. But life is so short, and I choose to live. Because it truly is a gift and we should live it to our fullest. I believe I've gone through this extremely painful time to awaken and grow and finally shine in this beautiful world. I am grateful for my aspie, he really is a lovely man and some memories are good, but it is recovering from his Disfunctional way of relationship that grew an even more beautiful woman than he first met. And I believe I will be loved by a man exactly the way I love. Please know it will get better day by day if we focus on self love. And we will need lots of it for giving all our love to them with nothing in return. So much love and respect to all those who have shared, your stories heal the hearts of those of us who are in the crazy depths of despair, trying to get out.


Gigi
8:38 PM
Sun 5th May, 2019

I've been married 32 years. My husband has been to many doctors a d counselors and psychiatrists over the years, nobody caught it. It has been a lonely marriage on the emotional and physical side of things, but what a kind, gentle and caring man. A hard worker, great provider and allows me to do ANYTHING I want, mostly because he likes being alone. I just came back from a 30 camping trip with my dog. I was the one to suggest my husband be tested, he has "Aspergers". I took the trip because our 24 year old daughter has been dating a guy (first real boyfriend) that we would rather she didn't. I won't go into detail. They have been in counseling for three months and our daughter has actually got worse in her attitude and thinking. I have never suspected she was on the spectrum, but at 3:00am, in a tent, in the woods of Tennesee, a video started playing off youtube, "22 signs you have Aspergers " I had cried out to God to help me help our daughter, and He brought it to me in a YouTube video at 3am. I came home five days later, had a long talk with my husband and we met our daughter at the park (because she loves nature) and I told her what had happened and what I suspected. She was silent for a ling time while I explained the different things that seemed to line up. She ended up walking off but then coming around. It's taken only a couple days, but we have had the most wonderful conversations and the daughter that I "thought" I knew better than anyone is a stranger in a lot of ways, but I feel like I'm finally seeing the real woman. I asked her yesterday, what percentage do you believe you have ASD? She said 100%. So, we have some things to work thru and allow her to find out who she is, but it's going to be fine. She's a lovely young woman that we are very proud of. So talented in music, and just a kind person. Best wishes to you all.


Free
1:31 AM
Sun 5th May, 2019

I’m so grateful for this site. I’ve been involved with someone who has high functioning autism for 4 baffling years. I’m finally off of the merry go round. We never lived together, thank God. I could go on and on about his strange, selfish, my way or the highway mindset but it’s too exhausting. The last straw was him delegating my number when I didn’t attend a hiking trip with him and his friends and giving me the silent treatment for 2 week. Then, boom! He emails me “hi, how are you”. I’m done with the madness of thinking this man will ever Chang. I’m free!!!!!


FP
4:51 AM
Wed 17th Apr, 2019

Thank you for all your helpful testimonials. I am not in a relationship with an ASD-person, but I have to work closely with someone I strongly suspect has Asperger's/HFA………… He is in his late 40s, has a PhD and still lives with his parents. Before he came to our company a few years ago he has never had any official employment, he wasn't even registered as unemployed. His parents hid him at home for decades! He didn't even receive social security or health insurance just because he hadn't signed up for it…………… He gets very defensive and nervous when asked about his private life (I guess there is none besides his parents)…………. I am sure there has never been a diagnosis/therapy despite his strong autistic traits. Even our supervisor talked to him about his irritating behaviour (know-it-all, finishes everybody's sentences, high level of arrogance, has no executive functioning, very little common sense, bad personal hygiene, freaks out over minor incidences (everyday-stuff), gets nervous and agitated easily etc.). Still he claims that everything is okay…………… In my country you are considered legally disabled with Asperger's but he refuses to get any help. I have to share an office with him and it sucks the life out of me, yet everybody who has to work with him once in a while claims that he is "so nice".............. I told the supervisor I want to be transferred to another room. I really hope this will happen soon. Otherwise I will look for another job……….. Blessings to you all!


DS
9:21 AM
Tue 16th Apr, 2019

I'm married to an undiagnosed man with Asperger’s but didn't realize it until about 6 months ago. All along (40 years), I thought it was at least partly my fault for this loveless lonely sham of a marriage. I am in a place where I feel despair (I pray and hope somehow this will just work out, yet I know it won’t.) He is a coward; cannot stand up for himself (so forget ever sticking up for me); very immature in my opinion; selfish……………. He had an older sister who lorded over him, a brother who was VERY autistic but again never received any help (he died last year). People all said how nice he was but he almost killed my spouse when they were younger. He managed to get his temper under some control and with sibling help, lived alone in a trailer court and had a job. Never married but into pornography. I threw out my spouse's little bit he picked up when in the army……………Spouse is good provider, NOT verbally abusive, but NEVER says any compliments, stopped being nice to me with flowers, etc., after 6 months of marriage. I've always defended him and made excuses for him………………..I'm just very sad because my son never felt he had a dad. He suffers from that. He is very NT. Married someone great. My daughter has undiagnosed Asperger's. I always related to my son but found it difficult to understand my daughter. Sadly, she suffers from depression and high anxiety……………You can't fix Asperger's, but she is conscious of it because I've told her. Neither of my children REALLY believe me. I feel they have to have the "official" diagnosis to really believe it. They don't really want to "listen" to me, so it's been an added hurt………….I understand about the Cassandra phenomenon and not being believed. I haven't been able to say all this stuff to anyone. I tried counseling, but it doesn't quite seem to be helping me. I feel it's suicide, divorce, or just sticking it out. That's actually where I'm at. Moved to the extra bedroom. We haven't had sex for decades. That wouldn't bother me so much but there's NEVER been affection or intimacy...........He was like an animal when we were first married and I was the "good wife." I find I threw my life away to marry someone I wasn’t able to love. I’m done.


SJ
5:55 AM
Sun 14th Apr, 2019

I would like to say thank you for this website its positive comments have saved me feeling like I am on the edge of insanity…………. I met my husband 7 years ago. He is diagnosed with Asperger’s, and at first I was totally overwhelmed by his dedication, thoughtfulness and love towards me. Fast forward to the present date and I realise now, that I was his obsession. For the last two years he has left me at times feeling suicidal. The worst being when we lost a baby and he showed more interest in candy crush and a local band than my emotional distress. I went to the cemetery and he didn’t accompany me, as he said God and religion was bullshit, my visit to the cemetery wasn’t to pray it was to be near to my baby. I came home and cried and cried and he asked if I wanted a cup of tea and then processed to go back on his computer………….He will constantly re-invents himself, at one time he ‘always wanted to be writer’ then a photographer now he thinks he is a film director. I have fought like a tigress to have the husband who once pretended to love me……………. With the help of this website, I have come to realise that he never was that person. I can’t fix what wasn’t real. He has sent me to the brink of insanity, I have had a nervous breakdown and been diagnosed with PTSD…………which is really OTRS in this case; since losing the baby and his subsequent treatment of me. I have drunk heavily, medicated myself with prescription drugs, to find some solace or make sense of his behaviour towards me……………… He fails to recognise if I am wearing a nice dress, have nice nails or hair, whether the dinner I have cooked is healthy and tasty. More often than not its complaints that I serve too big a portion; it isn’t spicy enough. He has only scripted interest such do you want tea or coffee; do you have a meeting this evening? How was work? That’s it if he doesn’t use those scripted questions I am ignored for months……………… He will frequently use social media to boost his ego and believe he is part of something; he is a successful person and all of this on a few posts on Instagram and Facebook. He has numerous Facebook, Instagram and twitter accounts. When challenged he said it was to raise business profiles and networking, but that should be something you share with your wife surely? Then I found out he had 7 google plus accounts all in different names and the only people liking his posts was himself………. At times I feel scared that this man is a total stranger to me and I am unsure what he will do next. I feel humiliated by the way he has deceived me and treated me. The impact on my mental health, my children and my mother who worry constantly about me is something he is responsible for. A human being needs interaction, communication, empathy and partnership. He can’t give me those. Do I believe he can’t help it? In a nut shell no. He knows right from wrong. He knows he hurts me; I feel he has sociopathic tendencies and narcissism……………. The black hole he has put me in has two endings, I either climb out and rebuild myself from years of emotional abuse and leave or I just end my life. And ending my life isn’t an option. I used to be happy, social, have my own money and vivacious. I was always laughing, dancing and singing. I have a high-powered career and I refuse to let him take from me the qualities I was raised with. I am learning to re-build my self-respect, confidence and self-esteem. My advice to anyone going into a relationship with someone with Asperger’s is if you have a strong steel spine, broad shoulders and no need for reciprocal emotions then continue. If you don’t, walk away and don’t look back. From my experience they suck the very core from you.


pjh
5:40 AM
Sat 6th Apr, 2019

Thank you for the site you've created and the accountability you place on the abusive behavior which pervades the homes of those of us unlucky enough to have been seduced by someone with self-diagnosed Asperger’s (refused to get himself officially diagnosed but told me about 2.5 years in to our 12 years together). I find so much of my own experience here…………….. I am sick, have an auto-immunity based degenerative joint disorder thanks to childhood trauma but most certainly the last twelve years kicked it in full board. It's been isolating as no one in my once-quite-large community believes me. He took full control of the money. I had to leave my home and community built over 25 years to survive in a lesser priced city, starting from scratch with nothing. I still feel lucky to be out……………….. He hasn't given one iota of thought to the damage caused. There was never an apology for the violence throughout or at the end. It was verbal with some lunges and hands raised but a LOT of verbal abuse. This site puts it perfectly. That abuse sticks and cements itself in your memory and nervous system for quite some time……………………. My question is if there are any recovery recommendations you can suggest to get past the total lack of closure. The feeling of unfairness of all of this, that he enjoys love immediately, seemingly rewarded for abusing someone so horrible, while I live in a city where I don't know anyone working paycheck to paycheck to rebuild leaves me feeling utterly broken and trying to find a reason to keep moving forward……………… Empathy disorders will soon destroy humanity. The hidden aspect of the NT experience is inexcusable…………….. Thank you for your site. Thank you so much for taking the time to tell OUR stories. They walk away free of any illness, pain, remorse or regret. NT's are riddled with medical issues, energy depletion and emotional trauma taking years to heal if they heal at all. Something is hugely uneven and unfair about this arrangement……………….. The lack of macro empathy from ASD lobbies is just a larger version of the issues I experienced at home. Ignored, disregarded, and isolated. Please keep turning up the volume of our voices, and share our stories. We deserve just as much protection as the autism community. What better person to choose to bridge the divide felt by a person with ASD than to choose someone who has a link to the emotional world. I will sign off with a HUGE THANK YOU, again


ann
6:11 AM
Tue 2nd Apr, 2019

I recently ended a 5.5 year relationship with a man with ASD after catering to his needs, interests, schedules, and diet daily without in-kind reciprocation. I did all the cooking and housework. When there was something to carry or move, I did it. He opened perhaps 3 doors for me in 6 years. I became his therapist, listening to lengthy accounts of work and lunch, trying to soothe him from the critiques of his parents and associates. We didn’t talk about me. Sometimes I tried to get a quick phrase in, just to not feel invisible. I became an interjector, a blurter out of the shortest phrases possible before his ears closed. He rarely expended an effort on me that didn't involve his special interests, shopping and driving. He listened to me when he made shopping lists. If I wanted to go for a walk in nature, we might drive for two hours, walk for ten minutes, then drive back for two more hours. It didn’t matter that I don’t enjoy riding in cars. He was unaffectionate and never said a single endearment to me. My own endearments and nurturing of him were irrelevant toward fostering a bond; his capacity for that is absent…………………Three years into it he referred to himself as single. I covered for him. If I was in pain, or was tired while cooking or cleaning, he couldn't gauge that, so I didn’t get much-needed breaks from those chores. Once I had a severe headache and told him I couldn't lift my head off the pillow, and that I may have had a stroke. He said "Do you want a tablet?” His ‘caring’ stems from logic, damage prevention, and staying off peoples’ radars, not from their well-being. Only when I broke down and felt hated would he say (hollowly) “But I love you.” Yet that closed-fisted hug, that dry minimal kiss, the unwillingness to reciprocate a massage, or even to touch – all festered inside. My personality became stifled and corroded…………………..In attempts to prevent illness by withdrawing emotionally, I asked him if we could redefine the relationship as platonic or open, but he wouldn’t have it. He said he wasn’t a germaphobe, didn’t find me repulsive, and wasn’t gay (there was no sex). When it hit me – Aha, ASD - he took offense. His mind blindness and disinclination to give of himself destroyed the relationship, but my need now to relocate, start over, and try to recover from convulsive waves of confusion, anxiety, and long term lack of belonging are at my own expense……………….I’m sympathetic to those on the spectrum who, like anyone else, don’t want to be alone, but when an ASD person camouflages on a date, they pave the way for a partner to suffer. No one should be lured into a damaging relationship. If only there were some sort of litmus test or friendly questionnaire which dates could ask of each other to determine whether one of them is ASD, it could prevent so much suffering!.......................Facilitator suggests that NT’s change the way they approach assessing the connection in the early days: look for what’s not there; what’s not happening; all those subtle missing bits that are easy to overlook because they seem of no big consequence in the beginning. ASD is about what’s missing as much as what happens. Those small niggles that easy-going, flexible NT’s ignore.


Maureen
2:03 PM
Sun 31st Mar, 2019

I have been with my husband for 19years and knew he was different but didn't realise that he had high functioning AS until his daughter was diagnosed about 4 years ago. I always thought she was strange and that explained why. I still didn't realise that my husband had AS until he mentioned that maybe he had it. Nothing was ever done about it and we just sailed along for the next few years. Our sex life was not very satisfying and a couple of years ago we stopped intimacy. It was not until a few months ago, just after Christmas he told me he was leaving me to pursue a relationship with this woman that he had known for a year ( younger of course). He said she was his intellectual equal. That hurt. Since then I have researched As and realised all the time I was exhausting myself trying to get emotional reactions from my husband I was flogging a dead horse. What it has helped me with is to understand that I did nothing wrong. It is liberating to know that. He has taken all his problems with him and someone else has to deal with them. I feel free even though I still feel hurt and betrayed I realise that whether or not they can help it AS people are very selfish.


Karry
4:44 AM
Wed 27th Mar, 2019

It’s impossible for a neurotypical to turn off empathy, caring, compassion, love, mutual understanding....it cannot be done. How in the world do “experts” believe that AS adults can simply turn off their AS brain...it cannot be done, and because AS cannot change...experts expect and demand that NTs change their very being to accommodate a person with neuro-developmental disorders as their spouse.


Jacque
11:21 PM
Fri 22nd Mar, 2019

Thank you all for sharing your experiences! I feel like I'm not all alone in this anymore. I have been in a long distance relationship with a man who has Asperger's for the past 2 and half years. I've tried to end the relationship several times over the past year but the feelings of sympathy I have for him and the pressure his family puts on me to stay with him have drawn me back into the relationship over and over again. He is the most selfish, uncaring (although he once told me that even though he comes across as being cold blooded he's actually a softie at heart).. What a liar. There is nothing soft or caring about him. He only cares about his needs and what's going to be convenient for him that's it. From the very beginning I felt like something was amiss but I couldn't figure out exactly what it was and chalked a lot of our communication problems up to the fact that we were in a long distance relationship. I was recently venting to one of my co-workers about how sad and lonely I have been and continue to be in this relationship and she suggested that it sounds like he has Asperger's. I work with children and many of them are autistic so I don't know why I didn't see these signs in him? One thing that threw me off is that he is very successful in his sales career. He functions well with his job, but of course it's because he makes money from his clients so again there's something in it directly for him. I have had a long, painful struggle coming to terms with the reality that the man I feel in love with doesn't exist. I'm choosing to leave this relationship before uprooting my life, leaving my family and my job that I love here and moving to another state to be with him. However I still have a broken heart, I still care about and feel sorry for him. So there is still a struggle. I am trying to accept the fact that I am going to feel just as alone if I am married to him as I do being 1200 miles away from him. Thank you all again for sharing your experiences. If I can help even one person as you all sharing your experiences have helped me then it makes my struggles and pain worth it.


Ash
2:18 PM
Fri 22nd Mar, 2019

I married my husband in 2013 and had no idea that he had Asperger’s Syndrome. I didn’t even know what it was and probably wouldn’t have figured it out had it not been for my mother who tutors children with learning disabilities. My mother was the first to suggest that my husband had autism. My husband is the most selfish, inconsiderate person that ever was. We have separated and he provides me with no financial support for our daughter. He doesn’t spend time with us at all. When we were married, he had no clue about what was appropriate in a marriage. He would Skype women insisting they’re “friends,” but would act possessive and jealous deleting contacts from my phone, Facebook, etc. He obsessively keeps track of my social media accounts and read every exchange between myself and other people. Yet everything he does is very secretive. I know absolutely nothing about his life. My husband withdrew affection and acted progressively more distant after our daughter was born. He went from doting on me and giving me his undivided attention to being emotionally unavailable and physically gone. He left our family home every opportunity he got. Sometimes even sitting in his car alone for hours after work making phone calls rather than coming inside. He made me feel so desperately lonely in our marriage. We have been separated for six years and I’m contemplating divorce.


Judith A. Bradford
4:48 AM
Sun 10th Mar, 2019

I want people who are living with an autistic person to know that autistic people lack empathy, inability to consider feelings of others, and are compulsive liars. You might settle for these unhealthy relationships for whatever reason, but do not let ANYONE convince you that what you are experiencing is not real or somehow your fault. I would suggest you read everything you can on narcissists and listen to experts on utube who talk about narcissistic abuse. "A rose by any other name". Perhaps in the future, there will be more understanding about autism and future generations with this developmental disorder can be helped to a degree. Also, it is important for future generations of autistic people to learn to be honest about their condition so a neurotypical can make a decision about their degree of involvement with autistic individuals. Pretending something does not exist does not make it go away!


Christine Webster
6:01 AM
Fri 8th Mar, 2019

This site has been so helpful. I actually look at it daily to find out what others have experienced. Why do Aspie's go to the trouble of seeking out "love and relationship" when clearly they are unable to sustain it? I am working through a break-up w/a 61-year-old male who has undiagnosed Asperger's. I am 59. Neither of us has been married. I have one adult child. I spent some nights in his home, but never lived with him. In my experience, he pushes boundaries to "pick fights" or otherwise treat me poorly so he won't have to engage sexually and/or emotionally. In the beginning he seemed like he really wanted intercourse. He bragged about his sexual prowess as a younger man. Each time he wanted to go out of town and spend the night, it ended in disaster and hurt feelings. This last time, he ended the "relationship." I am quite aware of my failings. He is not aware of his. It's always my fault. He has been unable to accept that I am more worldly than he and equally as intelligent, albeit in different subject areas. He seems to resent me when he's "not the smartest person in the room." And, though it hurts that he broke up the "relationship," there is also relief because it has been so difficult. My head was often "swimming." Like so many others who have made loving efforts to accommodate their sensitivities to noise, crowds, touch, etc. Not once has he recognized that I have been loving, patient, gracious, kind, generous, and thoughtful. Like the many who wrote about "in the beginning" he was gentle, kind, and affectionate. Like all the others, when the mask falls off, I have been blindsided, waiting, I suppose, for the one I love to return. How does one heal when the person you love doesn't exist?


HJ
4:40 AM
Fri 8th Mar, 2019

O M G this is the first time I have ever read anything about the partners of a person with Asperger’s or any kind of autism. I thought I was alone in my thinking that sometimes I just want to die and how for the past 46 years I have been emotionally abused by my husband who has Asperger's...... Thankyou to you all in making me feel at least human and that it is not just me. There has always been a lot of information on how to support someone with autism but not any kind of understanding for the rest of their family or their main carer. So now I say to hell with it why should we suffer and walk around on egg shells and have our lives ruined they are the selfish ones for putting us through this when they jolly well know right from wrong so why the heck didn’t they just live on their own instead of ruining our lives? Mine has been wrecked after all these years; a bit late now to start again.


Paul
7:26 AM
Mon 4th Mar, 2019

We are a gay couple . I have lived with my partner for 16 years. People sometimes ask how long we have been together and I have always replied ‘ too long ‘. I mean it. I don’t know how much longer I can endure this type of existence. I think about dying and suicide frequently. Although I’m not sure I could commit that. I just wish I wasn’t with him. He is and always has been difficult. I told myself for ages, that really, he means well and is a good person. But I’ve stopped believing that. Walking on egg shells is a term used a lot. It’s so easy to say or do something innocent which meets with anger and criticism.if I want to ask him something, the words go round and around in my mind for days or weeks as I know his likely response. It’s best not to say anything. Timing is a huge issue with him. He specifies what time things must happen. If anything goes over time, the world will end ! When my Father was dying in hospital, upon visiting and on arrival, I was informed by my partner we had to leave by a certain time. When sitting with my Father, my partner sat flicking loudly through magazines, huffing and puffing and looking at his watch. So understanding and supportive wasn’t he !! He doesn’t talk to anyone the way he talks to me. I feel I’m doing someone else a favour as no one else would put up with him. If I left , he would fall apart....that’s what I keep telling myself, although it’s me who is falling apart It’s just a waiting game ....waiting to see who dies first...me or him.


KLW
6:23 AM
Sat 23rd Feb, 2019

I can't breath around him and our many kids (ASD/ADHD) They suck the air out of me. I had NO idea about his ASD/ADHD before we were married 20 years ago. He LOVES his career (he is quite successful-- due in large part to the team of people around him who also get the life sucked out of them) I live with an emotional hangover each and every day-- I am physically exhausted. I now take medication for anxiety--- I never know what new surprises my ASD/ADHD husband and multiple kids will offer to me each day. Back against the wall, I gave up my career to give my kids a fighting chance in this world. I had too many missed work days running to the school to assist when one of the kids had a meltdown.... why even bother trying to keep a career--- I can't when the school needs me because my kid caused another lockdown because he/she tried to run off of the school grounds. Married to ASD and raising kids just like him is a prison sentence---He really is another child to me. He doesn't see the wake of emotional destruction he leaves in his path---- He has no understanding of his rude behavior and arrogance. He does not understand how horrible his behavior is towards me. He is horrible to our kids. (He thinks they are rude, have no filter, obnoxious, exhausting, and at times unlovable) Wow husband--- sound like anyone else living in this house!?!?!? My new "career" includes having no life and catering to the mental health needs of my family. Other daily chores include damage control due to all of the insults that pour out of his mouth for which he is completely clueless. Let's not forget the fact that if it is NOT a preferred activity-- he wants nothing to do with it.... that means 90% of what needs completed falls on me. He tells me that I am the issue in this marriage because I have turned into a total bitch, I am no fun, I am not fun to be around. Gee, do you think I might be salty because I am exhausted, anxious, and pissed because the one ride I get in this life is ruined because of my own poor choice in a mate?? I really am pissed at myself because I was fooled by his "normal" behavior before we got married. I often wonder if I am being punished for something I did as a child--- is HE my punishment?? I MISS feeling like me. I miss being happy. I miss sleep. I miss my career. I miss having friends. I miss feeling loved. I miss feeling an emotional connection to a partner. I miss feeling like I matter. Hell, I miss sex that isn't completely selfish. Thank goodness I have the best dog in the world--- that dog loves me unconditionally.


MB
6:10 AM
Wed 13th Feb, 2019

I have recently split from my husband after over 20 years. I spent years wishing we could have a 'normal' family where two people work together as a team, and wondering why in 20 years my husband never once took the children out for the morning. I was never able to have a straight forward conversation. Instead we danced around from subject to subject as my husband avoided the simple issue I wanted to discuss. If I asked a second time he got angry. There was never a commitment to any plans. I was told that separation was wrong, and that God put us together, so we had to stay together. Now we have split he lives we my brother and our eldest son. Both my son and my brother see him as the victim he acts as, and blame me for everything. He has split our own family, and split my family too because I did not do what he wanted.


JB
4:23 AM
Tue 12th Feb, 2019

I could have written these testimonials, esp. the ones by judith and Florida gal. Women are bullied into keeping quiet about the realities of living with a man on the autism spectrum. My husband's behavior changed on our wedding day. I was so shocked by his constant lying, verbal and physical abuse, I thought he had had a stroke or something. I insisted we go to a specialist university to have him tested as well as multiple therapists. He played the victim and found it amusing he could fool these "professionals". The so called "expert" at the university would not allow me to use the word autism, but got up in my face and started yelling axis numbers from the DSM at me......... This entire ordeal has seriously traumatised me. For a long time, I had nightmares about the psychologist from the university who I now know is on the spectrum. I am slowly coming out of my fog, but I am 65, sold my home, and gave up a job with good benefits. I have become very distrustful of people.


Dee
6:38 AM
Fri 8th Feb, 2019

Marriage longevity does not prove love.


Jen
12:53 PM
Thu 7th Feb, 2019

There is so little emotional and psychological help for NTs partners it just seems unfair. My therapist who works with Asperger’s patients is constantly dumbfounded by my life...because her patients tell her only what’s important to them. None of them tell her about their 'gibberish' when manic, the constant cussing out their spouse, their meltdowns. None of them tell her about their faults, miraculously believing they have none.


M
2:53 PM
Wed 6th Feb, 2019

I can't thank you enough for this wonderful validating site. The real painful truth about what we NT partners suffer has been stamped on and ignored for too long. We have been bullied into silence by the autistic advocates who vehemently deny their bad behaviours and instead blame society and everyone but themselves and totally deny the severe intolerable suffering inflicted on the NT. It's time our voices were heard! Thank you again


Paula
3:02 PM
Sun 3rd Feb, 2019

Autism/Asperger's is the only disability that doesn't know it's disabled. it's not different, it's a developmental disorder.


Jess
4:26 AM
Sun 3rd Feb, 2019

I found pages from 192 onwards of No Team Player conducive to restoring sanity as is the Chart: "Effects of Differing Neuro/Developmental Levels on Neurological/Autism Spectrum Adult relationships". Helped me to see how we differed and how it wasn't my fault why the relationship didn't work out.


Pierre
8:18 AM
Sat 2nd Feb, 2019

Professionals recommend I detach from particular interactions in my NT/ASD marriage to save my physical health and emotional sanity. That means they still want me to be selectively connecting in this relationship. There's huge irony in this since there is no connecting with them at all in any meaningful way in a marriage, ever. Disconnecting by physically leaving is the only way. If one has to remain for economic, age or other reasons, then completely disconnecting emotionally is the only alternative.


Judith
7:30 AM
Fri 1st Feb, 2019

Professionals and others with vested interests in and around the ASD community, use the words “evidence based” to imply neurotypical (NT) spouses’ narrated experiences in their relationship are unscientific, therefore not true. What this suggests to the NT is, “We don’t really believe your experience. We, the experts, will tell you what your experience is and should be,” completely denying the lived knowledge of the NT…………Professionals within the AS community continue to ignore innumerable, unsolicited NT testimonies over decades, all describing the same life-experiences with their ASD spouses. There are several well conducted research papers which back up the NT spouses’ experience……………Couples counsellors and therapists add the proviso on NT-ASD couples counselling, that both partners must make a serious commitment to making the relationship work. These therapists fail to consider the fact that the definition of ASD, describes rigid, unchangeable routines; mindblindness and lack of Theory of Mind, creating an inability to see and understand another’s point of view; lack of insight by the person with ASD into their own behaviour and extreme communication difficulties: insurmountable obstacles to creating any type of real change in the behaviour of ASD adults in relationships. By definition, AS individuals do not do relationships well……………The advice offered to the couple is for the NT to completely change their way of operating in a social world and relationships, to accommodate the deficits of ASD, adding to the trauma and abuse of the neurotypical family members. This could be interpreted by NT individuals seeking support and assistance, as mal-practice and unethical by ignoring their input and experiences regarding their personal family life…………There have been no short term or longitudinal studies to prove NT-ASD couples counselling does effectively work, and is maintainable over time. Anecdotal evidence concludes that NT-ASD couples counselling has only a temporary effect on the marriage, and it quickly reverts to the previous difficulties. The person with ASD is unable to maintain the effort required. Expecting ASD individuals to do what goes against their brain wiring can be cruel and abusive to them and the way they view life…………….Gender bias is another enormous problem in getting efficient help for Neurotypical spouses from professionals. Many professionals treat NT females as neurotic and demanding, not knowing their own mind and having no common sense. NT-males in NT-ASD relationships seldom discuss their family problems with anyone because they are not believed. Society’s view of what a man is and should be, denies their need for respect, to love and be loved. It’s NT “men don’t tell” about domestic abuse and violence when they are the abused person.


RA
2:59 PM
Wed 30th Jan, 2019

Professionals and “experts” do not get how the behaviour of adults with AS affects EVERYONE within the family. NT spouses, NT children, AS children...and who gets counseling and support? The person who has AS......totally ignoring every other person within the family. AS is a soul-breaking disability for people around them.


Florida Gal
8:44 AM
Fri 25th Jan, 2019

I have been married to my husband almost 30 years. I was widowed with three small boys when I met this man six months later. Six weeks later we were married. He was so helpful and kind at first. I remember thanking God for giving me a new best friend………The minute I said "I do" everything changed. He was in the military and he let me know that his job came first. He would yell at me that I wasn't to ask him for anything or expect anything from him. I should continue to take care of the house and kids and when he was home, I was to consider that a bonus………He wasn't deployed or sent anywhere - it was just regular work hours. If I waited up for him to come home, I got screamed at because he assumed I would expect him to help with the kids the next day. I was so confused. I stayed up because I was a newlywed and I loved him………Physical violence came next and I was so ashamed. I kept thinking he just didn't understand what marriage was supposed to be…………Eighteen years into this travesty of a marriage where there was no intimacy unless he initiated it (maybe 5 times a year), he spent a night in jail for slapping me. We went to a no-nonsense counselor and reconciled. That lasted only a few months. Him screaming at me and threatening me got worse. By this time, he had ruined my credit by betraying my trust. I allowed property to be put in my name and he promised to make the payments. When things got tough, he made the decision to stop paying the mortgages and did not tell me until foreclosure was the only choice…………People close to me ask why I don't leave, but this is MY home and I don't have the money or credit to go anywhere. We now have separate rooms, but I feel like I'm living with a person who is just waiting for me to fail…………..He has always been the kind of man to hurt me more when I am already weak or struggling. It's often a nightmare, but I do have faith in God and my kids (including the two girls we had together) are out of the house and in healthy relationships………….I never planned to be in my 50s and living like this with a man who has no respect for me. I got my master's degree 13 years ago and he never acknowledged it - nothing. I was incredibly hurt after I celebrated his accomplishments and birthdays over the years. Now, I am trying with everything in me, not to let bitterness overtake me. Thank you all for sharing - it's good to know I am not alone.


Valerie
9:50 AM
Tue 15th Jan, 2019

I got married in 1965, I was married for 14 years and had three boys. After all these years I feel I have found the answer I have been seeking. I loved him and bent over backward to be a perfect wife, a good housekeeper and an excellent cook. I know now that my Mother was Asperger’s. So, I understand the effects of her constant abuse and have suffered my whole life from the affects of this. Then I married another one. Lack of empathy when I was diagnosed with Meningitis, lack of empathy or caring with the 3 pregnancies of my 3 boys…………strange behaviors, going off and leaving me with a new born baby and no help. Never saying sorry, no interest in anything I did. Sarcasm, put downs, he never noticed anything I did like decorating the home, never noticed that I had my hair cut. Physical abuse. We bought a farm and then my fear became so intense as I watched in horror while my husband allowed my children to do what I consider dangerous things around farm equipment. My pleas to be watchful and protect them as they were only 7, 9 and 3 were ignored. He let my 9 year old drive a 40 hp tractor alone in the big field whilst he watched from the edge of the field……I got told I was nagging and that I was overreacting, too emotional. Then the youngest got killed going to the mailbox.........that was the end of my life as a wife and mother. It tore the whole family apart. It’s becoming evident that most likely both my surviving boys have the same thing.....ASPERGER'S!! The reading here has validated me, uplifted me………I’ll be 75 in April and this happened over 40 years ago! It’s never too late to heal, I’ve worked on it for years. Thank you for this website


Darcy
5:45 AM
Sun 30th Dec, 2018

What David said below, I agree with. People with Asperger's are smart in some ways and they know right from wrong, they know when they’re hiding information that’s going to hurt you, they also know how to hurt you, they understand what causes pain, the problem is that they don’t have any empathy, so the very act of hurting you is of no consequence to them. They are unable to imagine what you’re going to feel after they cleverly deliver insensitive insults. And neither do they care. They’re too busy being pleased with themselves over having come up with something clever that’s biting, spiteful, punishing and painful for the recipient. Ever noticed how they can’t come up with anything clever that is complementary, encouraging, rewarding? They’re able to go out in society, have dinner at a restaurant interact with people and conduct business without completely offending anyone because they understand how to behave. However, it causes them a great deal of stress because the rigidity of their narrow operating rules, makes them really want to correct everyone on a regular basis………………….. At home they let their mask fall away. You will be at the whipping post daily as they vent their anxiety. No love, no respect or caring, no nurturing. They have complete lack of insight to your existence, needs, wants, anything that is you. You’ll be stripped and become invisible because of them ignoring you, after they use and punish you is the most effective way they have with coping with the universe; even as a partner that lives with you in the same house. They simply will never get you. They walk away from you mid-sentence because they simply don’t have any interest in anything you say. They’re only interested in anything that pertains to them specifically. They’re sometimes successful, can be intelligent, good at anything mechanical, systematic, anything that requires logic and is doable is appealing to them. They will not try to do anything they aren’t sure they can accomplish ahead of time. This makes life very boring as spontaneousness is non-existent………………. Don’t try to have a discussion about a picture hanging on the wall, they’ll look at you like a cow looking at a new gate. I’m three years into a relationship with a man who hid this from me, he had a previous diagnosis in his marriage (she left) but instead he has chosen to ruin my trust and compassionate heart with blame, pointing out every flaw he can find imaginable, as the excuse for treating me poorly on a regular basis. Rather than tell me his specific traits he was willing to cover up his dx, create a false façade and throw me to the wolves to preserve himself………….. Accountability is something they know nothing about. If you’re dating someone in the beginning and note there are what I call small glitches, some issues, communication problems, misunderstandings...take this as a sign to run the other way. These are not people that are inexperienced or can be taught anything, but have a fixed way of looking at the universe and use one part of their brain for all decisions, (more or less) being unable to integrate, synthesize, create and make connections between concepts. This will leave you reeling just trying to have a simple conversation. One of their favorite things to do is to pick out a key word from something you’re trying to communicate, string it together in a sentence of their own choosing, to fit their own world view: it twists the meaning, so in this way they are liars, although they sometimes don’t mean to be………………… I don’t think any of them should have a get out of jail free card. Asperger’s or narcissism the outcome is exactly the same. It doesn’t matter, it can’t be changed and your life will be empty emotionally, barren, lacking love and you will be the parent to an adult person who will criticize and blame you for everything that goes wrong. Asperger’s make a mess everywhere they go, emotionally damage everyone around them and then turn around and ask you what your problem is. If you want a reciprocal relationship built on trust, love, caring and respect run away from someone with ASD. If you want to be forced to parent a grown person, to have to do everything, have no emotional fulfillment and be blamed for anything that goes wrong in the their life, knock yourself out. I don’t mean to be hard on people with ASD but they can’t be cured. You will suffer a lot by the time you figure out what it is. You spend years trying to decide if they are a good person who sometimes does bad things or they’re a bad person who sometimes does good things. You can never really sort it out. It doesn’t matter, the effect on you is the same.


Kat
5:56 PM
Thu 27th Dec, 2018

Unbelievable. I waited 15 years to find this web site and subsequent links. I have been in a "relationship" with someone with highly functioning (brilliant but broken) Aspergers for 15 years. We started out as a "couple", but since he has severe impulse control issues (we met online) and is a serial cat fisher, wound up "breaking up" in 2007. Of course, I have taken care of him since. He follows me around the country with his manipulation and I have saved him (2 evictions on my credit report, roommates without him working for four years) while he "Peter Pans" his lying, Bohemian lifestyle. Of course, now we are still roommates and he is working. But control issues? Manipulation? I lost my life here somehow. There should be a study on co-dependents and Aspies, because seriously? Match made in h e double toothpicks. Now? Try to shake off a lying, manipulative, Peter Pan man in his early forties who talks in baby voice while you are setting boundaries? I think at the end of it the other side of the autism relationship gets just bitter. Bitter pill to swallow since they don't change. I am getting him OFF my cell phone plan because the lies don't stop. Actually MOVING OUT or evicting him soon. Sad. So many people are like "la la la" autism awareness while the abused members of this sector, raised by the wrong parents are worst than psychopaths because they become permanent parasites. Angry and getting free. Can't believe I just now found this web site - - 15 years alter. PS? We are not a "couple" anymore - but he has managed to emotionally manipulate an additional five years out of me. Blech.


Margaret Connigale
2:56 AM
Thu 20th Dec, 2018

My husband had a late diagnosis of autism 5 years ago. Life has been hell and I almost lost all sense of self worth. This site has been so helpful.


David Jones
7:00 PM
Tue 18th Dec, 2018

I've shed a few tears reading your experiences. For anyone considering or starting a relationship with an Asperger partner - think again and again. At the moment the attention you're getting isn't real, you're just the latest special interest they call them - an obsession we call them. The masking or role playing is being used to cover up who you are really with. Later as the mask slips you'll find yourself, your very sense of being slowly, but remorselessly undermined 'death by a thousand paper cuts' There will be the self serving manipulation. The control - we eat now, we go to bed now, don't laugh, don't smile it upsets me. The tantrums and physical violence for merely having the 'wrong look' on your face. The cruel jibes and insults designed to hurt and undermine. Never hearing the word 'sorry'. Walking on eggshells. The new obsessions paid for regardless of any monetary consideration. The social isolation - never going out and meeting anyone together, the outbursts in front of now lost friends, the fear of bringing anyone home. The endless droning monologues about the latest obsession.The hours of never being spoken to except for some demand or another. Never being hugged, kissed, chatting about hopes, dreams or aspirations. Never sharing a laugh. My health and wealth have gone, I'm tired - but you still have a chance to lead the life you deserve.


Tiki
4:45 AM
Fri 14th Dec, 2018

Why are NT workshops always run by an Aspie who has no idea of what its like to be an NT? Im speaking from experience in Australia.


Gordon
4:52 AM
Mon 3rd Dec, 2018

Thank you for your webpage on Post Traumatic Relationship Syndrome. It is good to know its not "all in my head", even if, now it kind of is. I am really broken and trying to raise a kid without raging against the abuser that has him the other half of the time. I just wanted to thank you I share your website, its great information.


Rosie
5:22 AM
Sun 2nd Dec, 2018

When we first married, 25 years ago, I did not know he had Aspergers. On our honeymoon he told me that I was smothering him with kisses and to stop. I was so confused. He also would go to bed and not say goodnight to me when we were first married. I was shocked that he would do that... he also would hide from me so that he would not have to kiss or do anything with me. I was hitting rock bottom emotionally by then and it was only the first year of our marriage. My parents were not supportive as they didnt believe me. My husband started to degrade me after a year of marriage...saying I was too thin or I had gained a few pounds and that was unattractive to him. He used any excuse not to be with me sexually. I started to become really down and went for therapy.... but at this point I had no idea he had Aspergers. I thought I was the one to blame. Then a counsellor from the church told me that he had all the signs and symptoms of Aspergers. This was 5 years into my marriage. I asked his mom about it and she said the reason she got divorced was because her husband was so cold and aloof. She said that her son (my husband) saw me as a threat... If he got too close to me ...he might have to have sexual relations with me and this was what he felt threatened with. Then I spoke with his grandmother and she told me that her husband... my husbands grandfather... was cold as ice... She said the only way to see him was to go to the yacht club. All 3 men had Aspergers... it has a genetic component to it I learned to distance myself from my husband... if I can call him that... he is more like a brother. We don't even share the same room anymore and he is fine with that. I've come to fear him ...not that he ever hit me physically... but he can ruin me mentally... He plays mind games. He would hug me in the morning and for the rest of the month ignore me... not look up from his book ... walk away in the middle of my sentence because he had something better to do I've learned I can't handle that mentally anymore. I keep my distance from him. No arguing or hanging out with him. It's pretty much a dead marriage. I have 2 children just out of college and I have to say that I feel so lonely without them ... I miss when they were littlethe hugs and kisses that I never got from my husband... I always got from them. But now I live with a husband who loves his quiet time alone... very solitary unless there are men to go fishing or boating with. I just feel so lonely and sad that 25 years have gone by and my little ones are now 21 years old and have lives of their own. I want them to be independent... and I am happy for them. I just wish I had a real husband... instead of a man who is like a five year old emotionally and a teenager intellectually. I have to say that if anyone even suspects that the man or woman they are going to marry has issues with kissing, holding hands etc... Please Leave that person. There is no cure for Aspergers syndrome and the majority of spouses I have talked to are depressed/anxious/etc. My husband also cannot handle normal life events... if anything goes wrong... if the children get sick or things don't go his way... he talks a mile a minute, gets agitated, has almost a panic attack... I have to handle all the messy stuff by myself. He can't seem to look in anyones eyes... he has no clue to open a door for an elderly woman or man with a walker... Also, no empathy or compassion... but if something bad happens to him he wants to talk about it and have me reassure him that everything will be okay. I hope I can get some coping skills to help with feeling so lonely and blue and also contribute to finding ways to help me.


Joanne
12:21 PM
Tue 13th Nov, 2018

I just read the open letter from Sophia Morgan, 2014. It was very helpful and made me feel validated and sane. I have reason to suspect that my husband of 15 years has high functioning Aspergers. The revelation is recent and still fresh. The more literature that I read and testimonials, the more pieces of the puzzle fall into place and seem to point to AS. So, now I ask What do I do now? My conclusion at this early stage of awareness is to keep myself intact by gaining knowledge and finding support where I can. Hopefully a window of opportunity will open, where my husband will be able to listen to someone who can shed light on the situation for him. As his OCD and anxieties increase I am hoping he may get fed up enough toward people for relief and listen to professionals. But I have my doubts. As for me, I feel safe in the sense that he no longer lashes out physically. I will not tolerate that anymore and he is afraid that I will leave. I hope that Sophia knows that her openness and taking action to share her experiences publicly, is greatly appreciated!


nurse
6:20 AM
Sat 20th Oct, 2018

The healthcare industry seems intent on seeing autism strictly as a disease -- and even went so far as to essentially eliminate Asperger's from the definition in order to do it. But, that taints all research into the area: Which autism were they looking at? The non-verbal unable to use a bathroom or function independently? Or did they look at the Silicon Valley genius who made himself a few billion dollars? The difference is far more than a matter of severity. The analogy of the 40 blind men describing an elephant comes to mind: "It's long and thick" -- "It's broad and flat like a huge leaf" -- "It's rough and flat like the side of a barn". The Aspergian genius is as autistic as the non-verbal with Kanner's autism and his genius stems from his autism, not in spite of it. You can't look at only part of a condition and expect to produce valid results. It's fine to have a spectrum to describe the condition -- much like COPD describes a host of respiratory conditions. But you still need to have and to know the subtypes when researching or treating the condition -- just like you need to know whether you're dealing with emphysema or asthma.


Ceal
3:24 PM
Mon 15th Oct, 2018

I'm so glad to find this site and see that others are also struggling to live with a spouse on the autism spectrum. I'm 61 and 5 years into the relationship. I left my community to be with him in a distant place where I knew no-one but him. He is retired and I am disabled although I work part time. The first two years were relatively good although I often felt very isolated and lonely. Thank goodness I had my grown-up son and more recently more friends, especially women friends. He's highly intelligent in some areas and that's a lot of what attracted me to him. But having an ordinary conversation is very difficult. He proclaims his opinions and cannot seem to deal with the normal back and forth of debating an issue. I'm an academic, very used to rigorous debate so this was hard for me. I’m ok with sometimes being alone which is why our relationship hasn't totally collapsed. Normally he is kind, friendly and affectionate but he can go into a rage if I challenge him on anything. His reaction is to attack and blame me for whatever is wrong. He helps very little with household chores and absolutely none with food. He mostly lives in his own world with very little need for interaction, except for sex which he pressures me quite a bit for. This is very hard for me when I feel so little emotional connection. It's probably the most difficult aspect of the relationship for me. It's hard but I'm not quite ready to give up. I wish I could find a way to make it work, but I realize he will never change, so all I can do is change my expectations and how I interact with him. Once again, all the work in this relationship is on my shoulders. Spouses/partners of people with autism really need genuine support groups, where they can share their experience.


Paula
7:42 PM
Wed 3rd Oct, 2018

To all those neurotypical partners out there I would like to share my story in the hopes that it might offer some consolation to you. Three years ago I moved out of the custom built home my husband and I built into an apartment. I was in such a state of shame I am surprised that I could function.My family didn't understand why I could leave such a nice guy and good provider . It was a period in my life of intense loneliness and forever changed my relationship with my siblings and parents. Fast forward three years I am now in a condo I love, I have a legal post nuptial agreement with my husband that is satisfactory and although the romantic relationship is not viable the friendship and mutual respect has returned.I could not have gotten this far without the support of this site, a counselor well versed in the AS/Neurotypical dynamic and the deep women friends that supported me through this crisis. Sometimes I am wistful for the relationship that was only in my dreams and not supported by reality, some times I am saddened by how I have changed no longer a girl with girlish dreams but rather a tired middle age woman who would prefer peace and not the ups and down of a romantic relationship. But more and more I am quietly proud of how I am evolving into my truest self without the distraction of confusion regarding my feelings.Peace on your journey.


spouse
6:39 PM
Mon 1st Oct, 2018

I am carer, coach, guardian, parent, teacher, protector, friend and social guide. I am NOT loved, appreciated, adored, cared for, considered, noticed, loved or wanted at times. Don't dare tell me this is fixable, my fault, imagined. It is a lonely, sad hell on earth being a spouse of someone with autism.


Gavin
2:23 PM
Tue 25th Sep, 2018

I am the husband (of 28 years) of a wife with (undiagnosed) AS. Our daughter (20) was diagnosed autistic at 5 years old. My father-in-law was definitely AS (although undiagnosed). My wife's nephew has been diagnosed autistic. Very recently a friend of ours pointed out similarities between my wife and daughter. I had not recognised AS in my wife. I have been researching the web for information (there are masses). Your site has confirmed to me that my wife is certainly AS and I am suffering from Cassandra's syndrome. I have suffered from depression for around 20 years (diagnosed by my GP). I have been confused and lonely for a long time despite my tireless efforts to make our marriage work. Thank you so much for lifting the veil. I sent an email (to give her time to process) to my wife suggesting she is on the spectrum in the most loving and positive way I could. She had a meltdown and told me to f*** off. I think our marriage is over. To be honest I'm not so sad. I'm so grateful for your site.


David
5:38 PM
Sun 23rd Sep, 2018

This is a very validating website, and I appreciate reading through others' experiences. Most of the posts are from women, but neurotypical men are victims of women with Asperger syndrome more than people realize, since the condition is under-diagnosed in women. In my own situation, I was completely fooled by a woman who was very charming, a great actor, who viewed me as her "special interest" for a while, until things got closer and she suddenly did a disappearing act, leaving me to wonder what happened. No response, no explanation, no empathy (even though they claim to have more empathy than normal). I was just suddenly discarded like an object. Although she told me that she had been diagnosed with Aspergers at one point in the "relationship" (I use relationship loosely, because it was always difficult to connect with her emotionally), it was not soon enough. I would have appreciated knowing earlier so that I could have been prepared for this kind of behavior and get out before being hurt and confused. The irony here is that the Asperger online community (or "high function autism" community) has become a group of militant activists who claim that they are superior to the rest of us, claim that they deserve special treatment because they have a disability, and claim they don't intend to hurt anyone. Although I have some compassion for their situation, I also don't think they are being completely honest. In my experience, "aspies" are smart enough to know what they're doing, and they're smart enough to realize that they are often willfully hiding something from us, something that will cause us hurt. And they do it anyway, because of their own selfish needs to not be alone. Well, I'm sorry if they are alone because they lack empathy and social skills, but it's not my job to fix that problem for them. Don't give them a pass, just recognize the disorder if you can and run in the other direction as fast as possible, before it consumes you and causes you to question your sanity. I'm still recovering.


Joan
4:48 PM
Tue 18th Sep, 2018

I read the final step of SALVE for neurotypicals on the FAAAS website and these 2 quotes stood out: "No therapy, couple counselling, pill, diet or to-do-list can unwire an autistic brain and thereby delete the autistic impacts in an NT-AS relationship." "Lorna Wing, a pioneer in the field of understanding autism spectrum disorder, made it clear: There are basically only two options for the NT spouse of a person with Asperger /high functioning autism. Either accept the AS/Hfa partner as he/she is; or terminate the relationship."


a-nony-mous
3:35 PM
Mon 17th Sep, 2018

I am lost. I am so lost in my life that I actually feels like it's not worth living as I don't know how to find my way again. I read this quote this morning … “Do not minimize the extent of my having been changed from a vivacious, sensual, happy, loving, athletic, healthy, wealthy, bright, articulate, fairly socially adept human to being melded and molded (sic) to accommodate an autistic adult into exactly the opposite of who I am for the sake of a one-sided relationship.” … and I just burst into tears. I feel so different to how I know I used to be. I am suffocated, I have for some ungodly reason been suppressed and moulded to my husband’s ‘funny’ ways. I can’t believe how much I have changed but why has this happened? When I met my husband of 11 years, I had been in several relationships before and thought I knew what I wanted. In fact, I had a list of pre-requisites. Why then did I get hooked up with a man who ticked very few of those boxes? Some of my previous relationships had been unsuitable in some way or another and a big factor in finding a new partner for me was to find someone who was intelligent, financially independent and preferably with no acrimonious ex-wives or children to have to deal with. My husband was just about to turn 40, had never been married, had a well-paid job and seemed pretty independent. If I am honest with myself, deep, deep down I had reservations right from the start but well, I just find it very hard to explain. He smoked and drank a fair bit, had lots of tattoos and was not a fashionable dresser. We had a common interest in music – which I subsequently see that is also a marker. He seemed very cool (as in distant, as opposed to hip/trendy), seemed like a gentleman and was willing to make the effort (he lived 60 miles away from me and seemed happy to keep driving over to mine). I also have a pre-programmed wire inside me that insists that I make everyone I meet feel comfortable. Little did I realise that by doing that, I was actually feeding what I now realise to be Asperger’s. I see now on reading these articles that a man with Asperger’s will mistake that interest as love/or a relationship and of course in those first few months, he did do the normal things any normal person would do. He seemed to show interest, he shared stories about his family, we went to dinner, I was wined and dined. And classically, he is an engineer. His job took him away from home for weeks at a time but when he wasn’t working he was home 100% of the time. This arrangement suited me at the time as I was a professional with a good job, a single mum to boot and very independent. I was in a peculiar situation in my own life at that very point in time, a crossroads if you like. I had intentions of giving up my well-paid job of 28 years to help out with a terminally ill family member but at this time of dating my would-be husband, the family member died. I had left work, so had no income and my direction had totally changed, I let myself drift into a deeper relationship and moved in with my husband in his home town – even though I had left a beautiful, modern town house and moved in to his ex-council house which was very poorly furnished and seemed like a bachelor pad. Did I take this on as a job, to change the house, to change my partner, to keep trying my hardest to please him? I think so. My daughter was 12 years old when this was happening and I had high hopes of my new man becoming more of a father figure. Someone to help me out a bit, help with homework and have a normal relationship with my daughter, take her swimming or to the cinema (none of those things ever happened.) It pains me hugely to think of this now as I feel I ruined my daughter’s teen years. They never bonded nor even got on. My husband (I will call him MH for my husband) had nothing to do with her. I don’t mean in a very obvious way, it was more subtle; never coming to school parents night’s, never showing any interest with anything to do with her, not communicating with her, I mean literally barely talking – my daughter and I were both desperate for attention. He would be most obsessed on how untidy her bedroom was, or how she was untidy around the house. He NEVER EVER gave her ANY praise for anything, only to whinge about her untidiness. When her school friends would come round for dinner, we’d sit around the dinner table chattering about the day/school, I mean myself, my daughter and her friends. MH would be silent and not join in at all. The atmosphere would always be uncomfortable so we learned to just have her friends around and do fun stuff when my husband was away at work. Not realising about Asperger’s back then, I’d just keep trying to do bigger, more outrageous things to get a reaction out of MH. Any reaction. He seemed without emotion. Buying bigger and bigger presents: I bought him a brand-new motorbike to see if I could make him jump for joy one year and was sorely disappointed. Our sex life, which had started out ‘okay’, I mean just ok not brilliant just went downhill. I had always been very open about sex and everything to do with it but had slowly found over time that MH not only did not want to talk about it, he seemed to have no sex drive. No warmth, nor physical affection. It was almost as if he did not know how to flirt, how to be sexy, how to give compliments, how to be around a woman. He would be EXTREMELY uncomfortable if I tried to explain or show him what I liked, what worked for me, he simply did not want to know and was very rude to me if I tried to talk to him; he said it was too clinical to talk about. Or he’d just walk away when we were in the middle of it as he said he felt I had put him on the spot to perform. So, I couldn’t show him, I couldn’t talk to him – how exactly was I to communicate what I liked? One time, in the early days, he went down on me but was too forceful, it was painful and when I said so, he really took exception, was super offended and said when he’d done the same thing for a previous girlfriend she had liked it. Needless to say, that was the end of that type of foreplay. He only ever preferred sex in the morning, in bed. No other options. No spontaneity. So, again rather than be rejected time and again, I gave up instigating sex, so now we just do it when MH wants. Usually same time, same place, same position, same movements, like line dancing; same moves every time. If he climaxes before me, he’ll roll off and that’s the end of that. If I say I need to be satisfied, he does nothing. There’s no touching, no talking so I end up feeling so uncomfortable I end up not bothering. I felt depressed. I thought it was the house we lived in. We had a neighbour-from-hell next door which I couldn’t do much about and our house was a dowdy colour of brown, at least this was something we could change. I asked again and again if we could move house or at the very least, paint it but MH was happy in that house. He had picked it and it was as much part of his routine as breathing. To surprise him while he was away at work I decided to do paint it myself. I bought the brushes and exterior paint and hired a scaffold – when the lorry arrived with the scaffold the guy asked who was going to help him unload the scaffold poles and erect the scaffold and was floored when I replied ‘just me’. He took pity on me and although he was not allowed to, he helped me put the scaffold up and I then spent the next 6 weeks clambering up and down the damned thing painting the whole exterior of the house with a 4” paintbrush (in between doing my new job and being a mum). It was really difficult, hard work. I had to clamber up and down the scaffold and had to keep moving the scaffold into position around the house and then back again to do a second coat. I was covered in bruises and ached from head to foot but was enormously proud and happy that I had managed single-handedly to complete the task and now the house gleamed in a new brighter shade of magnolia. I couldn’t wait for MH to arrive back from work to admire my handy work. (He had been away for 10 weeks and the house was gleaming, it was immediately obvious as soon as you turned the corner into our street – it looked like a new house). His car rolled onto the drive, he jumped out, gave me a tiny unfeeling hug and said ‘hi, allright’… no more. He made no comment on the house. I was crushed. As went indoors, I said “well? Is that it, just Hi.” He turned very moody instantly and snapped “give me a chance to get in the door, for goodness sake”. He has yet to acknowledge my superhuman feat. I can’t remember if it was that occasion or another when he came home (away at sea again for 10 weeks – I’m thinking we will be falling onto the welcome mat at the door for a passionate session but I had been told off previously for jumping on him when he got back – he’d say he had been travelling for hours and needed time to rest!!) - I had parked my car diagonally across the drive and not left enough space for his car (he had been travelling for a couple of days and I had no idea when he was arriving). He harboured that grudge for 5 years before he brought it up in an argument!!!!!! That’s because our biggest problem is communication. There simply is none. I have read self-help books and tried everything I can think of to try to communicate with him but none of the tricks in the psychology books or self-help books have worked. And routine. Oh, the routine. The same food on the same nights of the week. AAArrgh. It drives me nuts. He drinks too much, watches tv and like to play solitaire on the computer. ‘Hey hon,’ I say ‘Want to play scrabble?’ ‘No’ he says…then 5 minutes later he is playing solitaire. He would rather do that than interact with me, how hurtful is that? And the funny part, he doesn’t think that. Even when I have pointed it out. He just doesn’t get it. Why do I stay? I have invested 12 years of my life in MH. I am now almost of retiring age, if I leave now, my financial future is in ruins. I’m also a very loyal person and marriage felt like it ought to be for life, they were promises. MH never gets angry. He never shouts. We don’t argue (because he just COMPLETELY CLAMS UP, so I end up arguing with the wall). He puts food on the table and pays all the bills. He is polite and courteous. I’d like to say articulate but the only subject he will wax lyrical over is his job, when he will bore anyone to death with minutiae details to the Nth degree. I feel like a paid housekeeper. If I leave I will have to start all over and I just feel tired to the bone, tired of living and so, so alone. I think because of MH we don’t have many friends, he usually doesn’t like or gel when any of my friends, or is either boring or bores them talking about his work, or comes out with something inappropriate so I have become hermit-like myself and unsure of how to make new friends anymore. I feel like MH’s weirdness is rubbing off on me and I am becoming more like him. It scares me silly. I want to be free but I want him to be more like the person I thought I was hooking up with when we met. If I leave now, it’s 12 years down the drain and my daughters’ formative teenage years ruined. As soon as she finished uni, she left to live on the far side of the world from me in Japan. Probably subconsciously to get away from our uncommunicative life. She now has a huge social circle and lots of really close friends in total contrast to our deathly quiet home life. I miss her so badly. My family are all in another country. I feel so alone. I tried to tell my sister how things were not good at home but she snapped at me that at least I have a husband and he is a great provider. Because I have retreated from everyone, I have no direction. At least MH is a pillar of rigid boring stability…if I cast off then I would be totally adrift. I am frozen with indecision. Facilitator’s note: The indecision and confusion are part of Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome (OTRS). Add to that Cassandra Phenomenon where no-one who could validate your feelings believes you and then it’s a terrible mess for the rest of our lives. We lose our sense of who we are and what we want. It is brainwashing. They subtly manipulate and mould their neurotypical “carers” to suit their own needs. There is hope, if you learn all you can about AS and how it affects us. Gradually you will learn to emotionally disconnect from them and their confusing, controlling ways. It takes a long time to be able to do that. Please remember this is not your fault. You did nothing to encourage any of this pain. You were selected and groomed by an expert who camouflaged his real difficulties until he had caught you, then he manipulated and bullied you to change everything to the way he wanted his life to be. This is the autistic psychopathy Hans Asperger described, which is hardly ever talked about.


anonymous gal
7:20 AM
Sat 8th Sep, 2018

Reading these is so validating, thank you all. I wish I could connect with some of you! I'm so exhausted, I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up. I've pretty much screwed myself over completely by getting married to this guy, who by the way occasionally can be one of the sweetest, funniest, most hardworking people I know, ironically. He's from another culture and language background than I am, and combine that with his being undiagnosed and keeping up his 'mask' while we were dating, well, he got me. Realizing that I've wasted years of my life with someone who is emotionally, physically, and intellectually unfulfilling for me...and not having any of my friends who understand... Really starved for deep conversation, sick of his unsanitary ways, tired of tip-toeing so he won't feel attacked, and tired of letting him always have his own way, tired of him putting his job and special interests ahead of me at every turn and then being confused at my lack of enthusiasm and energy. Months after his diagnosis I am happy to finally know I'm not insane, and to know the source of my depression, BUT I'm still married to the source of my depression. The night of the honeymoon was the only time we had sex without me initiating it. Before his diagnosis I'd have to work hard to interest him, and since (as I now know) he wasn't feeling the same desire I was, it took so much coaxing and stimulation for him to get into the moment, and that moment was really brief and unfulfilling. I thought he didn't find me attractive, and even once thought he must have been secretly having an affair. He was -- with porn. Post-diagnosis, I almost wish we never found out, because now it's clear that I'm with someone who has not developed mentally past age 5. So, I'd rather be celibate, because giving these how-to instructions in bed, to someone who is not really amorous but just humoring me, feels almost sick. I can't rightly tell him this, though, and now I suspect he is getting confused because his counselors have told him to show his wife more affection! He's kicked the porn at least. We're both from a religious community where divorce is only entertained if certain serious circumstances exist. Same for suicide; it's just not an option, though God help me, I think about it very seriously at least once per month. Right now, I'm pretty broke but I'm trying to teach myself web design/programming so I can be independent, get my own car and travel again like I used to. But sometimes I spend the whole day sleeping or web-surfing, instead of studying. I saw a lovely therapist for a bit but I could tell she was on Team Divorce. I try to take some natural anti-stress supplements. I try to talk with my mom but she has no idea. If you are dating someone with AS or suspect they are AS, please, please get out. Do not marry them; I mean, regular marriage is hard enough without the extra layers of stress and confusion.


Henry
10:32 PM
Tue 4th Sep, 2018

I have been in hell for nearly four years. I am controlled, bullied, humiliated; my very sanity is in question sometimes and I'm scared to be me. I have had everything about me that I loved and enjoyed systematically stripped away through passive aggressive manipulation and a stifling, overbearing regime of manipulation and unbearable histrionics if I don't comply. I am kept awake when I'm exhausted because she wants to talk (endlessly complain) but if I want to discuss anything, it's shut down like I'm dealing with a child. I've been told to sit down while I'm berated and have been physically attacked for trying to leaver the room. The little free time I have is regimented and usually has to fit in with her wishes. I love being at work because I'm shown some respect and kindness. I dread the weekends. The endless boring monologues complaining and rambling self obsessed, dry lectures. I'm given chores to do that she can't be bothered (pretty much everything that isn't one of her obsessions) with and then criticised from the sofa at every step. The slightest request is met with anger and irrational venom and then I'm told that it's my fault. She'll stare at her 'phone for hours and then explode if I look at mine for a few seconds, demanding to know what I'm looking at or berating me for not paying her attention. Day in. Day out. I've been isolated from my family who she doesn't like and have no friends any more. I have no personal time or space. I'm constantly trying to prevent the next explosion over nothing and I'm so tired. She sits at home all day and does nothing and then mocks me for being tired when I come home from work and sigh about having to clean up. If it wasn't for the baby we have I'd run so far and so quickly. If anyone out there is able to escape do it now. It only gets worse. Imagine a hand around your throat that tightens a tiny bit every single day. Imagine no joy or sense of self. That's how it will be.


Steven
12:56 PM
Sun 2nd Sep, 2018

Wow, I just started to discover "Aspies" tonight and it is saving my sanity. I was googling Abusive Relationships and after many helpful and interesting links I ended up here. Thank goodness, I feel a lot of relief and a ton of self-invalidation has been lifted off my shoulders. It's hard to be a man with an abusive wife. I see lots of women here talking about their husbands, and very few men. It might be that we men are a bit ashamed about tolerating this kind of humiliation from a woman. My wife and I seemed so happy for the first few years, and even though she was always a bit "different" I found her quirkyness fascinating and cute. She told me early on that she didn't understand other people very well, and that she had no ability to be diplomatic, but at that time she treated me wonderfully so I just listened and was curious about her stories. The one thing that bothered me in the beginning was that she seemed a bit shallow, even though she was quite intelligent. She didn't like to go into much detail about things and didn't like me to ask too many questions. She would say a sentence or two about something and that was enough for her, maybe a little more if it was really important to her, but it was always brief and to the point. But I love to talk and really go into the details about things, so I think she was just being polite to me in the beginning by listening to me when I wanted to talk, but eventually she stopped tolerating more than a few sentences from me. And if she said something I didn't understand, I was allowed one, maybe two, questions and if I didn't get it by then her anger would appear. It's now gotten so bad that I'm afraid to say anything, I can never predict what it is she'll react to, and she refuses to tell me what is going on; I don't know if she doesn't want to tell me or if she doesn't even know, but I suspect it's the latter. It was especially nice for me to read another person talk about how his Aspie wife would explode with anger when he said something emotional - that's exactly what happens all the time with me too, but I didn't get the connection - for me it was just a bizarre reaction. She says I am too emotional, which is super weird because no one in my life has ever said that about me! If anything, as a man, I probably could afford to learn to show more feelings not less! But with a wife like this it was making my head spin and thinking I was crazy. I've been taking her criticisms too much to heart and it has been almost making me ill. She constantly complains now about everything and it's like walking on eggs around her. I realize from what I read in the last few hours, that it's true that she thinks that everything she thinks is right, and if I accidentally do or say anything that she doesn't agree with she has to immediately attack. Everything is always my fault and there is no discussion allowed. Thanks for all of you who have shared your stories, it helps us keep our sanity to know we are not alone. I feel a bit bad because I know that she does not know any better. I think that's why many of us try to make it work, and so I can't judge either those who try to hang in there or those who finally give up and try to reassemble their lives and find some peace and happiness.


Piper
1:22 AM
Fri 31st Aug, 2018

After 2 and a half years my Asperger boyfriend just shut down & has frozen me out. On our last date he snapped at me once again for daring to question it wasn’t so cold outside as he thought(?) I finally ventured to say I think you have Asperger traits but it seemed to go over his head. Later in the eve I decided to go home and not stay with him as I sensed he was on overload & irritable & needed his rest. Well after that all our dates fell through & he slowly started ignoring my texts. As it was we had a holiday booked a few weeks away & still nothing from his camp. After 3 weeks I drove over to his house & it was as though he had flipped a switch and I was now dead to him. Told me the relationship wasn’t working for him, when I asked why he said I was was very self centred , that I overrode his opinion on the weather, when I said is that all? He said he’d been thinking about things & it’s not working for him. When I mentioned the holiday he insinuated I had invited myself (huh?) what can I say, I was in shock but truly believe he did not want to fess up to his issues. Frankly I’m relieved as I was not getting my needs met, never a compliment, no words of love & all his other relationships fell apart which of course he blamed on the ladies. He was so kind & attentive in the beginning but then the mask slipped. Just shocking how cold he became when he wrote me off.


JJ
10:28 AM
Thu 9th Aug, 2018

I spent 6 months in a relationship with someone undiagnosed with Aspergers. It took me at least another 6 months to work it all out and finally put the pieces together. On the outside, my ex was a person who seemed quite 'altogether' - good looking, sporty, ambitious and charming. However, in the end I realised he was incredibly good at masking the fragile self who was plagued with low self esteem, OCD, anxiety and depression. In our relationship, there was poor communication, poor conflict resolution and intimacy issues. I am so grateful and thankful to have walked away but I feel sorry for any future partners who are yet to experience the confusion and unhappiness of dating someone like him and will be left not understanding what went wrong...


KM
8:55 AM
Tue 7th Aug, 2018

The neurotypical can come to believe they deserve to be ignored. They develop coping mechanisms similar to psychic numbing, where their own feelings become invisible to them. They develop a “tough cookie, no fear” exterior to get past their feelings of loss and grief for their circumstances. Few researchers have honestly looked at the trauma suffered by neurotypicals who are subjected to constant disregard by their Asperger family members. The result of this disregard is what could be called invisibility. The daily trauma of being invisible to an Asperger parent or partner who holds the neurotypical emotional hostage in his or her own home can best be described as ongoing traumatic relationship syndrome (OTRS).


Judith Newton
7:16 AM
Sun 5th Aug, 2018

To all the people who so generously sent testimonials to date we want to let you know we had problems with the website and sadly have lost some of them. The timeline of posting from 2011 has also been lost. This won't prevent us posting your testimonials in the future. Thank you most sincerely for your support.


Hope
10:37 AM
Sat 4th Aug, 2018

I appreciate everything I have read here! I am in the 6th year after a divorce from a husband, who I am sure has undiagnosed Aspergers. Our 17 year old twins daughters, have one who is extremely gifted, and the other who has mild or high functioning Autism. I am still trying to recover a sense of self, or some hope or interest in dating again. Very scared am I, but I have at least met two men who are kind and well related. My former husband is an electrical engineer, who is probably a genius, but was often very unkind to me, usually with little to no empathy for me or my life. The relationship had become abusive, with me running after him trying to get crumbs of kindness or attention or empathy.


E
10:33 AM
Sat 4th Aug, 2018

I just wanted to pass on a sincere thank you for the article: Emotional Detachment: Surviving Ongoing Abusive Relationships.This is so very helpful to me at the moment and I am grateful to have stumbled across it.


Sabrina
10:26 AM
Sat 4th Aug, 2018

"Mommy" is tired of answering questions. But I don't have any actual kids in my home. I have a husband with autism. No, I don't know what that thing on the carpet is. No, I don't know what that paper in the front yard is. I wish you could get out of your recliner and go look since I'm making dinner with a headache and three weeks of heart palpitations. I'm tired of being grilled for the most basic information that other people just intuit from normal interactions. You're locked out of your online bank account because I screwed up on the password a bunch of times because I didn't know you'd changed it. Oh, but 1,600 questions later, you're sort of understanding the situation. 'Did you actually mean 1,600 questions, because I only asked three questions and how is that "grilling?"' Mommy needs a break.


Dawn
10:12 AM
Sat 4th Aug, 2018

I unknowingly married an Aspie after a period of being his special interest. Like everyone else has said, once the mask falls all you are left with is a special needs caretaking role. Like all of you I lived with the disgusting unsanitary habits, lack of hygiene, explosive anger, mistrust, constant accusations, rules, control, social gaffes, meltdowns, dishonesty...he admitted to his ASD and to having oppositional defiant disorder; but always denied that his disorders had any affect on me whatsoever. EVERYTHING was my fault or my children's fault- his kids were absolutely perfect and above reproach in any way. Blame was assigned for the smallest things- someone always had to be wrong. Everything out of his mouth was critical and angry. I too had a cancer scare and did I receive one bit of loving support? NO. Instead he had a three day meltdown and refused to speak to me or stay in a room with me- called me an aldulterer because a male doctor had seen the lump in my breast. He truly thought he owned me. If I was five minutes "late" home from the store I would get an angry phone call accusing me of using the trip as an excuse to meet another man. I was expected to report ANY words I exchanged with any other male to him immediately. If I ever failed say that so and so had spoken to me and he found out later, there was hell to pay. It was "proof" I was untrustworthy and I would have to "earn" his trust and my freedom again. All in all four separate marriage counselors strongly advised me to leave him. Finally I did, but not soon enough. My advice is if you can leave- just do it It will not get better. Ever. Stop wasting your time on delusions that they will change. They will change- but not for the better. Save yourself. No matter what the cost, it is worth it. I sleep on the floor, I eat from the food pantry. But I am free. It's taken me a long time to process the damage this has done, and will take me a life time to undo. Meanwhile despite his tears, begging, proclamations that he will never love anyone else, that I have broken him, that he would take a bullet for me, he moved on immediately. Was sleeping around before I even moved out. I was completely interchangeable with the next woman he could hitch himself to. Two weeks after I left he had introduced his whole family to the new "love of his life." You have value, you matter. You deserve so much more than a life taking the abuse an Aspie will throw at you. Especially when in the end they simply do NOT care about you as an individual at all!!


Red
10:11 AM
Sat 4th Aug, 2018

Glad I've found this site or more terrified than ever. I have sobbed as I've read. I have an HFA husband who is deeply depressed and who has declined over the years, and a young HFA son. Feeling death by 1000 cuts. Devastated that this will be my only son's future. I haven't given up, but I think about it and pray for strength. What on earth to do. Haven't found any local support for neurotypical spouses.


Sharon
10:10 AM
Sat 4th Aug, 2018

I'm finally starting to believe that it's not me regardless of what my spouse or others say. This is a strange relationship that requires me to see two counselors and take antidepressants just to remain in the relationship. It's a strange world where a counselor can make a living from dealing with my situation for one hour per week while I deal 24/7 and receive no compensation whatsoever. No financial, emotional, physical, or satisfying relational reimbursement. Conversely, I've lost so much emotionally, physically, and relationally that I don't know if full recovery is possible.


San
10:09 AM
Sat 4th Aug, 2018

I met him when I was 20. He was my first Caucasian friend so I attributed a lot of misunderstandings to cultural differences. Fast-forward to 8 years later, we decided to date. He was somewhat normal initially, despite some arguments in the first few weeks of us dating. I learnt later on that he was told he might suffer from Asperger's and he promised to seek professional help. He never did. I brought it up a few times but financial limitations was always his excuse. We dated long distance before living together. It was years and years of nightmares living with an Aspie. Almost everything I said would be misunderstood and I would truly struggle to understand his point of view. He would assertively accused me of not listening. He was so certain I was the wrong one, the one to be blamed. He would get into drinking rampage and throwing tantrum in public. He would break things in the apartment. He often complained of oversensitive area of his skin and overly loud noise so I often couldn't hear his speech because it would be too soft and he would criticise me for shouting. I am aware that I am a little bit hearing impaired so I often attributed that to my problem. After another 8 years of struggles, I now have come to the acceptance that this Aspie is not my burden to shoulder. I cannot speak for all Aspies, but the one I lived with truly came off as being extremely selfish, cold-blooded and heartless. He would behave the same way to his own family such as his mother but his mother allows it because he is her Saint. Every now and then when he bothered, he would put in the effort to be sweet, kind and considerate, but that never lasts because it was too effortful. The lashing out and mercurial temperaments were the hardest to deal with. The constant accusations that it was my problem made me doubt my own sufferings that I succumbed to a relapse of clinical depression. Communication road blocks is the single biggest challenge in this relationship. I still have a lot of self doubt due to the traumas of being in an intimate relationship with this man. When I finally met his family, I found out from their oral accounts of his childhood and realised he had always been 'odd' but intelligent. His childhood friend confirmed that and had advised me to move on. His best friend consoled me by saying, "At the very least, he won't cheat." What I wanted to add here is that your suffering and pain are valid. Aspies have a way albeit unintentionally to make you lose all self worth, self esteem, self respect, and your sanity. Living with an Aspie is truly a nightmare. On my part, I am most grateful to a few of our mutual friends who courageously spoke out truthfully to me. One mentioned that his treatment of me was akin to domestic abuse. Another mentioned that our group of friends had been whispering about him having a normal girlfriend. One honestly confessed that it was extremely frustrating to communicate with him. For these people, I am forever indebted to. Thus, I am speaking out. Hopefully any of you reading who are considering being intimate with an Aspie will make an informed decision.


Heidi
10:07 AM
Sat 4th Aug, 2018

I'm a psychologist and cannot believe I missed the signs that he has Asperger's. All of the signs were there: stimming, repetitive behaviors, rigid adherence to routines, overly intense eye contact, odd beliefs about social interactions, lack of empathy, etc. He was amazing while we were dating, but the second we became engaged, it all came flooding out. We would fight constantly. His rage was unbelievable, and it would take him days to weeks to calm down. During one of his rages, I would get 100s of text and emails telling how horrible I am and how it is all my fault. It was always over something he thought I was saying as a slight to him or something that violated his precious rules. He became verbally abusive, would accuse me of all manner of things, tell me I was being irrational if I got upset, and made everything about him. He would ask me about my feelings, and then immediately invalidate them and take them on as his own. If I said that I felt betrayed, he would tell me why I couldn't possibly feel that way and that it was he who felt betrayed. Then that's all I would hear about for the next week...how I betrayed him by saying I felt betrayed. We went to therapy, and I specifically chose a psychologist with strong relationship therapy skills. The psychologist told him that I was the one being verbally abusive!! Apparently me saying "what if I said this to you...how would that make you feel?" was me being abusive. After a year of this I asked myself what was happening. I'm a psychologist! I can communicate effectively with anyone and problem solve with the best of them. Why couldn't I just get through to him or meet his standards? It was while I was doing a training on testing for Autism for my coworkers that it hit me that he has Asperger's. I ran it by him, and after doing some research, he amazingly said that he agreed that the diagnosis fit. After another major fight, he went back to the see our old therapist. The therapist told him that the "emotional outbursts" and difficulty with communication between he and I was not due to his high functioning Autism but because I clearly have Borderline Personality Disorder!!! My hope that he would finally get some help in recognizing that he verbally abuses me and that I'm having emotional breakdowns as a result was thrown out the window. This quack of a psychologist dismissed all of his Autism symptoms, excused them away and slapped a diagnosis on me instead. Never mind that I've never had any difficulties like this in past relationships and have friendships with people Ive known since I was 3 years old. Never mind that I've always been described as the "unemotional one" or the "rational one" or the "guys girl" because I think more like a male. I tried to stick in there and at one point even considered that maybe he was right. Maybe it is me who has the problem. Thankfully, I work with a large team of psychologists who pointed out all of the flaws in that guy's diagnostic abilities. I finally left the relationship, but that didn't stop my now former fiancé from threatening to kill me. He threatened to shoot me but then said that wouldn't be as satisfying as strangling me. Of course, he couldn't understand why that made me soon upset and "irrational." But he then told his therapist that I was the one who threatened to kill him and that I'm suicidal!! The lies and manipulation are unbelievable. And there are many people who believe him. He has managed to make me look like the unstable one! I wish I had never met him. I'm still in love with the man he pretended to be in the beginning, and I have to remind myself every day of who he really is. I hate to say it, but my own profession failed me. We are ridiculously inept at understanding what it is really like to be in a relationship with someone with high functioning Autism. Part of me wants to change this, but the other part of me wants to run as far away from all things Autism as possible.


Katie
10:03 AM
Sat 4th Aug, 2018

Do I have a right to call myself a NT spouse because the $1000.00 psychological work-up said he has many "behaviors consistent with someone who has AS." However because he didn't demonstrate any tics and could make eye contact during the evaluation, there was no diagnosis of AS. I am so frustrated, angry, lonely and at the end of my rope. He tics like a clock at home and makes overly intense eye contact with me or none at all. But at 46 years old he plays this game with the best of them. Various people don't believe me. "He sounds depressed." "Just play some music and get in touch with spiritual things." No! This is a four-alarm fire! I need the whole fire brigade. And to the person who posted about just being diagnosed with cancer September 6th. I'm so sorry about this scary event. And so sorry about your husband's outrageous response.


Skyrae
10:02 AM
Sat 4th Aug, 2018

Here is a slice of my life with my ASD husband. I am told I have breast cancer by the doctor over the phone. During the conversation I text my H with the news. I hang up just as my ASH walks into the house. I am utterly devastated as you can imagine. He's furious. I forgot to unlock the garage for him and he had to walk to the front door. I tell him through my sobbing that it's been an awful day and I forgot. He yells, "Well then, keep the garage unlocked until you feel better!" I cry out that I just found out I have cancer! "Agh!" he barks back, "It's not such a big deal!" He remains angry for two hours about the garage. What was that really all about? His conclusion that my forgetting was an insult to HIM. It has been hard to recognize the disorder because Aspies can imitate NT's so well and appear very normal. There needs to be more societal education about this profound but often hidden disability so that people don't unknowingly have to go through this hell. I read about how Aspies have too much feeling, too much empathy. That is such nonsense. They may think empathy, but do not feel it. They may think feelings but do not truly feel them. The experts need to get real. The emotions of those with ASD are more like SPONTANEOUS REACTIONS, Like screaming when startled, laughing at a joke, or their outbursts of reactive anger, but no reflective emotion is there. The emotions of ASD are NOT REFLECTIVE, NOT INTEGRATED into or connected to an internal emotional landscape. For there is no internality to be grasped, or that even develops into an adult ego. ASD is a profound emotional deficit so that feelings are fleeting, fragmented and superficial and where any introspective capacity is extremely impoverished. There is no internal, felt sense of an emotion. What a disaster for a marriage. They should marry each other.


Paula
10:01 AM
Sat 4th Aug, 2018

I am sure I am preaching to the choir when I say this but I would like to share a personal revelation that I had recently which has been very helpful. All along the way the problems with my husband who has Aspergers has had me seeking solutions, a cure, a corrective action that would fix this impasse which has caused me so much pain and profound despair. All of a sudden I truly understood what it must feel like to have a handicapped child ,one you would do anything for to make them better.Only a handicap is just that,something that is ONGOING not cureable. I forgot about the ONGOING part of this condition.Somewhere in my subconscious I must have thought, stubbornly I might add that the solution was out there .I only had to try harder. Remembering that it is beyond my ability every single day going forward to change this neurological difference has put the emphasis back on me and self care.Wishing you all the best as we move forward.


Stella
9:59 AM
Sat 4th Aug, 2018

I just found this site. So many others seem to have tried everything, and after 20 years are at the end of their ropes or getting out. I just reached 20. I looked at the chart and saw the clear picture as my picture of an ordinary person expecting ordinary behavior from someone who is quite unordinary. It's a relief to think of myself as some kind of weird object to him. Or buffer. I can stop expecting any kind of human behavior from him, while still giving him a decent amount of respect -- and distance. I suppose my AS-behavior spouse can't change too much, but I can do everything I can to make my situation better, and to teach my daughter to insulate herself from his odd behaviors. I tried to get out of the situation once, and he refused. I understand now I'm a necessary object to him. Probably if I try to get out again, it'll be messy. I'm thinking about how to handle this the next time.


Anne
9:58 AM
Sat 4th Aug, 2018

I've just read the book, and for the first time realised that if I am borderline emotionally it is a response to 30 years with my husband. I hate weekends and holidays, hate waiting for the next crisis, hate the thought of being alone with him when the kids leave. He acts like he hates me, then tells me I'm the only one. I want to find hope for the future, but it may not be together, because I don't feel that we ever have been together. I pray I have not damaged my kids. I feel like I have lost myself. Thank you all for sharing your stories, and please keep doing the research


Michelle
1:40 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

I have been living with my undiagnosed aspie husband for a quarter of a century! For many years I worked with young children with ASD and in a cruel twist of fate my first born was diagnosed with severe autism. Yet I never saw clearly the truth about my own marriage because the daily trauma I suffered at the hands of my husband didn't allow me to think straight for even a moment. I have been blamed, lied to, screamed at, had objects thrown at me, pushed, kicked, slapped, threatened, intimidated, manipulated, bullied, abandoned, neglected, refused any personal space, denied every possible basic human need and then called selfish and demanding. I have been wished dead, isolated, humiliated, laughed at when crying and evicted from my home when unbeknownst to me, my husband found compulsive gambling to be the answer to all his issues. And not another living sole has seen any of it to give support to my claims. I have climbed out of pits of despair and loneliness, black holes of depression and found a steely resolve and iron will that I never dreamed I had in me. I have used every NT trait to my advantage and refused to be destroyed. I will cry no more over what I have dubbed 'the emotional cripple'. If he was paralysed, I would not keep pushing the wheelchair while he reached around every hour to slap my face (no matter what vows I made on my wedding day). I was deceived by a skilled actor who pretended to be someone he wasn't when we met and I have paid an astronomical emotional and psychological price. I have been a slave to my own empathy for decades because of this disorder. It may be hard to believe but I am not bitter, resentful or angry (anymore). I have justified, concealed, advocated for, protected, mothered, begged, assisted and enabled this man at my own expense for far too long. I cant save the drowning man who can't swim when he keeps pulling me under too.


Lara
1:39 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

What an incredible relief to read all of your testimonials! Thank you for sharing your stories, you give validation to my feelings. have been desperately lonely throughout my 23 year marriage. Everyone thinks he's the perfect husband because when he's with others, he "interviews" them. He asks dozens of questions about them and never talks about himself. People take it for caring but it's not. It's just the way that he's learned to get along with people. When I tried to develop a support system so that I could get the strength to leave him, he called everyone to get them on his side. He called my friends and family and convinced everyone that I was crazy to want to leave. He even called my therapist and tried to get her on his side. In the end I gave up. Now, I'm almost 50 and I have a pretty short amount of time left on this planet. I don't want to spend the rest of my life controlled, manipulated, lonely and neglected, but I know that breaking up the family will be hard on everyone and that he will be ruthless if I divorce him.


Lynn
1:36 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

I have been married to an undiagnosed Aspie for 28 years. Before we were married I was a happy, outgoing motivated goal setter. I started off our marriage optimistic for a wonderful future together but at each turn my husband would put me down for my enthusiasm and happy disposition. I worked hard at my career, in the home and rearing two children and he let me!! Doing the very least he could. To every question I ever asked his reply was always a NO! Eventually I entered into an angry stage for a few years then onto a bargaining phase where I blamed myself and went to relationship counselling 3 times by myself and a further 2 times with husband, not that it made any difference nor did the expensive relationship seminars I attended. I then went onto a phase of depression that has lasted 10 years. I have recently another 18 months of counselling. Why have I not left? I believed it would break up the family. Having known me as a fun loving positive Mum my grown up children believe I have become an irrational, over reactive drama queen. Their father in comparison seems a calm logical rational person and that is how he likes it. Now he sits back whilst my children do the criticizing and laps it up. In front of them he pretends he is completely competent but in reality it is only because every decision that has ever needed to be made I have been forced to make. He has effectively made me his substitute mother. He has seen me seriously ill, crying and distressed, asking for a divorce and not a flicker of emotion has passed his face. The loneliness envelopes me on a daily basis and it is hard to keep going. I have contemplated suicide a number of times as I cannot see a future where I am not stressed out and deeply sad. The worst thing is that my children cannot support me as they do not see what is really occurring but then I cant blame them as I only just realised what was happening myself.


Joesy
1:33 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

The Effects of Differing Developmental Milestones chart is brilliant. It describes exactly why there's no connect in my marriage. His developmental immaturity precisely describes why I feel like his mother. I know he believes I am his mother. The title makes it really clear what the chart is about: Effects of Differing Developmental Levels on NT/ASD Adult Relationships. Loved the book "No Team Player" To see the truth of what a struggle it is was enlightening.


Star
1:30 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

With my husband 20 years, married 15. I always thought it strange that he showed no emotion towards me, or empathy for others. I blamed tbe fact that he had been dragged up, by a alcoholic father after his mum died when he was 11. I felt his father never showed any interest in him, and subsequently my husband seems oblivious of social etiquette and boundaries. For years I made these excuses, but still begged him to get help. He would not talk to me, I felt he might talk to somebody else, his reply.....what good will talking do. My husband does not communicate how he feels, and our marriage has been in decline for at least 10 out of 15 years. I would be out for an evening and come home and my husband is masturbating in front of a porn channel, I walk in and he just grinned at me, like a bold child. I would vent my frustration, tell him I feel he has no interest in intimacy with me, and he would just switch out. No response, no reaction - just a blank expression. I would then leave his bed, thinking that he will have to make an effort and come to me................never happened. He never sought me out, he never apologised. This behaviour just made me feel totally ugly and unwanted. Domestically he is a disaster, cannot close presses, cannot put anything back where it belongs, if I put something back where it belongs, I am accused of hiding it. One day he drove his truck through our gates, there were 4 of us in the garden, he caught the side of the truck in the pier of the gate, damaged the passenger door, parked up, and when we told him what he had done he denied hitting the pier...........regardless of the massive dent in the door, the scraped paint, and the fact that 4 of us saw the incident. He is never wrong, and absolutely never apologises. Years ago, before we were even married he sent me a birthday card - from the man who cannot say sorry! He is self employed and has 8 staff, one guy once said to me that, he was a great person to have a row with, because he does not carry it forward, I now realise this is because he just files it away, forgotten, never to be mentioned again. He is obsessed with his work, to the detriment of all else, and does not seem to get any thrill from anything but work, I once asked him what excites him, and he told me that getting new jobs excites him. We have no children, my husband has no understanding of how procreation works, and told me a few years ago he had no idea how 'children were made', anything he knows about sex has been learned from porn magazines. Weekdays, he comes in from work, eats dinner and falls asleep, he falls asleep in company, in other peoples houses, watching exciting matches on TV, nothing holds his attention bar work. All of this I found extremely frustrating but again, I loved him, and used his miserable childhool as an excuse. Last year I was involved in a local festival and was very busy for a week or 2, this upset him, and he was acting very strange. I discovered texts on his phone from a woman, and it was obvious there was something going on. Then suddenly, no texts, so I knew something had changed, when confronted he looked at me as if I was mad. I then discovered he had bought another phone, I found it, and there were loads of messages. It was a full blown affair. Again I confronted him, cried, pleaded, but got no admission or explanation. He eventually saw sense and the affair finised after 6 weeks, he apologised, wanted to make our marriage work, filed the affair away, and continued to be switched off and uncommunicative. He agreed to go to counselling, but was unaware he had to participate, and would not go to the third session, his argument, what good was a shrink going to do. I am at my wits end, I have asked him to leave repeatedly, he keeps coming home, nothing ever gets better. I am worn out pleading and crying. It is so frustrating trying to have a conversation, he just sits and says nothing, and I get louder and louder, and more stressed. Nothing works. I have written pages of lettere to him, I don't even think he reads them, bought books, he won't read them. He shows no interest in either helping himself or us, and I am struggling to cope with him. I feel I am a breaking point, and it's far easier for me to have nothing to do with him than try to engage with him. I feel I have wasted 20 years with a man who cannot grow up, who didn't seem to know what he wanted to do with his life. He has never been able to talk about the future or make plans that do not involve his work. I told him this evening to leave, he was back in 2 hours as if nothing happened. Nothing sinks in. I don't know what to do, I can't shout it out to the world, I want to tell everybody, but still out of guilt and loyalty I keep it all to myself, and it is destroying me. I was coping reasonably up to the affair, as I honestly felt I was important, even though I wasn't told so, but being cheated on is something I cannot come to terms with, and consider it the final nail in the coffin, the proof that he never loved me. I feel like running away all the time.......


Stu
1:28 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

We recently found out my wife of 10 years has AS. Three months ago I had only heard of it, and little did I know I've been living with it for so long. She accepts her diagnosis, I think, but what I don't see is much in the way of change, and I don't know how long I'll be able to hold on. I feel so lonely, I feel like I'm violating her trust by discussing it with anybody, so I feel isolated. It explains so much, but the initial joy of understanding that this is what we're facing is fading, and I'm realizing that I have the rest of my life with a spouse who doesn't realize that I'm so terribly lonely, or that so few of my needs are being met.


Denise
1:26 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

I want you to know I read the last two chapters of your book again.The reading is a precise concentrate of everything important for nt spouses to know. And it helps me with remembering the pain.


DA
1:23 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

I very much appreciate the work put into this site. This information provides answers that I have earnestly sought. Initially I did everything I could to make this person love me. Then I tried anything just to make my spouse stop complaining. I had to hide all my deepest hopes and dreams to keep him from tearing them down and criticizing them. I have been destroyed emotionally over and over, never understanding what was going on. He showed an unbelievable lack of empathy while making sure all of his needs were met. I had a mental breakdown last year and he made us see a marriage counselor because I was out of control. I thought "thank you God". He now realizes that he has been abusive emotionally, financially and psychologically. His control, criticism and neediness pushed me over the edge after 25 years. He is trying to change is behavior but finds it difficult. I have learned to place boundaries on his behavior and follow through with consequences which works pretty well. I do not plan to stay once the kids leave.


TS
1:21 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

Your website is what I have been looking for, for decades-i am sure


Camille
1:20 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

After an explosive "final incident", I escaped a 20+ year marriage to an undiagnosed HFa. I feel wounded, empty of feelings, but so comforted by reading all of the comments. I am not alone. I ordered No Team Player, and will also order Karen Rodman's collection of NT partners' writing. It would be wonderful to have a way to meet others in local support groups. Does anyone know of efforts to do this? It is true, this is a "lonely road." Hugs and loving thoughts to all of you.


DT
1:18 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

I commend you on your bravery to say it how it really is. I agree with your article about counselling us and how the so-called experts try to get us to give more and more of our already depleted selves to support the AS person that they sympathize with because they themselves have the same traits. There are so few specialist counsellors in this area for partners that I am beginning to think that those who have a special interest in it are themselves somehow affected. I found "The Bottom Line" article particularly challenging but it confirmed for me what I already felt anyway at my core. Your site is so helpful. Keep up the great work.


Momma Bear
1:17 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

Thank you so much for your article about Aspie parents with NT children and the negative emotional harm it can do to the child. I have been trying for years to protect my daughter and make excuses for him. She has felt for years that he does not love her and this is heartbreaking. At times, he seems very deliberately hurtful and vindictive. He raked me over the coals during a recent custody battle, accusing me of everything from child abuse to borderline personality disorder. I was mystified at how everyone in the community (who didn't personally know me), believed every word he said and the teachers and school personnel went out of their way to "protect her from the evil and dangerous, crazy mother." They were so impressed with his "prestige" and titles, position at work and career. Because he is higher up in the school system, this was used as a battering ram against my child and I. Her teachers were grilling her about if "mommy had any boyfriends" and other inappropriate questions that had her feeling humiliated and afraid to go to school. This clearly came at his direction. No teacher would spontaneously ask a child these types of questions -- especially during a reading circle in front of their peers! Had my daughter not developed very obvious OCD, and had I not finally found a competent, highly trained and world renowned doctor who works for an entire team specializing in it, nobody would have ever known her dad has Asperger's. Although he is not "formally" diagnosed, it has become very clear this is precisely what we have been dealing with for nearly two decades. All the docs there who have met with dad several times over the years clearly see this in him. Thank God for this doctor, who has put the kabash on dad's campaign of denigration and hatred against me (for the time being at least) and has been acting as a buffer and guardian angel against the emotional trauma that has been, and continues to be inflicted on my daughter. HE BELIEVES HER! SHE IS VINDICATED! And it is fantastic! I cried when finally someone could tell her why she felt unloved, unworthy and why dad was "flapping his hands and mumbling angrily every night at home" (this is called "stimming" - which I had never heard of). While dozens of others failed to recognize glaring problems with his behavior and would occasionally comment in their written notes that he "appeared odd" they still pointed the finger at me as being a vindictive ex who wanted to turn his only daughter against a wonderful and loving daddy. If she felt he didn't love her, it must be because I brainwashed her into feeling that way. She is just one more person he is unable to develop a bond with. He has zero friends. We've been divorced for 12 years and he has yet to have another relationship. He actively works to destroy people who oppose him (even by accident or from an offhand remark he takes as literal). He is such a wonderful actor. I can see it is an act and so can the very few people who have ever seen him in private, but he is so good at wearing the mask. It is very frustrating for my poor daughter, who sees two very different people in him -- the one in public versus the one at home. The trauma for children suffering from the tantrums, lies and play acting of the asperger parent is REAL -- even though almost nobody will ever believe them. What's worse -- it appears to be permanent. I have watched two daughters suffer because of his aspergers (one was not his and he appeared to truly hate her - and still does). I can't even begin to thank you for recognizing that not all aspies are "sweet, honest, wonderful people deep down who are just so misunderstood." I am not saying they are all evil. I am just saying that the hell they inflict is REAL and very painful for those in their sphere -- and THAT, also, needs to be validated and talked about!! THANK YOU and PLEASE keep up the research on this! SO MANY CHILDREN ARE SUFFERING WITHOUT ANY VALIDATION!!


Nathalie
1:14 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

I am a 45y old woman. A year ago i decided to end my relationship with my partner after 19y, we have 3 children. All things considered all went well but i am struggling with finding my way forward, letting the past be the past, am feeling gulty allthough my mind tells me that i shouldn't. Reading the testimonials on this website is very helpfull, however i feel that i could benefit from having contact with other women that have gone through the same thing. In Belgium, as in many other countries asperger is not commonly known. Your website has allowed me a lot in accepting that it was not just me.


Asta
1:10 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

When my sister, after being very supportive during the divorce from my ex AS husband for 43 years, stated that I was lacking self-perception because I still 3 years after the divorce am feeling depressed, i.e. that clearly I am the one with problems, I understood that I had to detach from the only person close to me nowadays. Simultaneously indicating that she understands why our children now have abandoned me, but not their AS father. How do we reach out, when will our problems be recognized and accepted? When will we be believed? When...


DK
1:07 PM
Fri 3rd Aug, 2018

People will never understand functioning autism without your developmental chart of the deficits in developmental milestone explanations. I love them. They make it very clear what fa is.


susan
1:11 PM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

The last two "new" articles are awesome! Still struggle with others not recognizing ex husband having Aspergers syndrome or perhaps admitting to it in an ex-husband. The article helps with validation and with moving on.Thank you!


Robert
1:10 PM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

The author of No Team Player's life must be emotionally exhausting. The book was emotionally exhausting to read.


Cassandra
1:09 PM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

I was married to a man with undiagnosed Asperger's syndrome. Went through counseling where the counselor knew nothing about it. Went through divorce and child custody case... courts know nothing about it. I have survived and reading websites like this is helpful. I want to educate people about it but I look like a typical ex wife. This is different especially where children are involved. I am not sure what my future holds but I plan to do something so the courts understand it more. I did not endure what I did for no reason. Good luck and God bless all of you!


Jenny UK
12:59 PM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

I found it hard to put "No Team Player" down. I really liked the way the marriage issues were chunked down.


anon USA
12:52 PM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

I am finding "No Team Player" quite rivetting. It is remarkable


Lea
12:50 PM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

I finally and for the first time in 17 years feel validated. thank you.As I have been told by family members my expectations were too high, I have been asked not to talk about my husbands shortcomings as it is uncomfortable for them, I have been labeled by them, not professionals to be borderline personality disorder, therefore responsible for the problems at home. I have been accused by my sister of being an out of control addict, leaving wake of hurt behind me, as she percived my reactive behaviors which were really fear, lom\\nliness, unheard, unloved, depressed, isolated, emotional torture that no one else could see.


Jan
9:03 AM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

Wow! At last a site that tells it like it is :) Thank you ;)


Gillian
9:03 AM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

Just found this site. I guess in a while I will say this has been liberating and a relief but at the moment, I feel sick. way too much recognition of long-buried pain and no hope for future change. the articles are terrific.


Naomi
8:59 AM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

Thank you for this wonderful site which makes me feel sane again!! Its a gift.


Jennifer
8:57 AM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

The book, 'No Team Player' accurately describes the confusion and emotional anguish of a neurotypical spouse trying to make sense of her marriage to a man on the autism spectrum. All the communication difficulties, the lack of resolution to interactions between the two people and the mind numbing repetition of their life together is recounted in an honest, respectful way. The traumatic events occurring in the relationship are compounded by the disbelief of significant others in the author's life. She is further wounded by the actions of the professionals she consults, seeking answers to what is wrong and why can't this be fixed? The conclusions she arrives at are unexpected and confronting. This book also answers the question of, "What will my son look like when he grows up?" Neurotypical men with spouses on the autism spectrum are confronted with similar catastrophies in their relationship.


pamela
8:53 AM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

This site has saved my life! The Effects of Developmental Failures in autism chart and the Cassandra Metaphor has saved my sanity. Thank you will never be enough but it is a start.


Robert
8:51 AM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

The author of No Team Player's life must be emotionally exhausting. The book was emotionally exhausting to read.


Bridget
8:45 AM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

Thank You for this website and for the awareness and insight that you have for people living with partners with AS. It is a very miserable, lonely life with a partner who never asks how you are and what kind of a day you had, nothing, ever.There is NO emotional connection on any level.It is a sterile life without joy, conversation, connection, no sharing, no looking forward to the future , no looking forward to next week! Everything is in the now.My husband has never been diagnosed and hides his disability well, at least for the majority of people.His dirty clothes, muddy shoes often with large holes and general poor hygiene and 'scruffiness' belie the fact that he is a Senior Architect in a World Class Practice!Family have 'covered up' for him for years and still treat him as a little boy even though he is 56! Professionals are dazzled by his Career and believe every word that he says, I am the 'problem'.I recognise that he is role playing.I was diagnosed with Latent TB Infection last week.The years of stress have probably reduced my immunity.When I told him , not a single word of sympathy or concern.On Sunday night he left to go abroad where he is currently working.His parting words were "I'll be back at Christmas" nothing else, no "hope you are better", "let me know how you're getting on", absolutely nothing! So at least your website validates our experiences and there is some comfort and support in that.It's like living in a mad world.It gradually erodes the spirit and crushes you.Outwardly, everything appears "normal".people don't believe you or choose not to.


Tricia
8:41 AM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

I was astonished to finally read an article that has described my experience of emotional trauma in my marriage. Although I managed to escape successfully from this relationship, I am vulnerable to emotionally based stress - particularly any coercion, at which time the devastation of being in an emotionally sterile relationship comes to the fore. Professionals have been reluctant to explain "what happened" - despite many counselling and even marriage counselling attempts. I am finally getting answers . Your description post traumatic relationship syndrome is spot on ...it also has to be remembered that we can never really escape people who are intertwined in our lives through children and grandchildren. Lack of awareness of these types of men means that we don't understand the significance of the "red flags" that we perceive. They defy logical explanation, and as our culture tends to respect evidence only, thereby giving the disordered personality the benefit of the doubt, whilst leaving us exposed to serious harm


Jenny UK
8:39 AM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

I found it hard to put "No Team Player" down. I really liked the way the marriage issues were chunked down.


s
6:54 AM
Thu 2nd Aug, 2018

I am reading your book, "No Team Player." It is the best book I have ever read on ASD, hands down! I'm an Asperger’s spouse as you know. I also work as a psychotherapist. I want to learn more about the ins and outs of this disorder, including what mechanisms of the brain are disabled and how this connects to particular consequences. There is so much imitation involved, that I need to know what is real! For instance, when you talk about Denver's lack of understanding the consequences of his inaction, I could so relate. However, I thought this characteristic was just my husband being a non-worrier, just cool and collected. I need to understand ASD better so that I can get out of the crazy confusion. I've read Attwood, but he's too politically correct for me and misses the subtleties that you write about, especially for spouses.


JB
6:38 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

If a tree falls and hits me on the head in the wind, I will tell people. They believe me. I am not blaming all trees or the wind, simply telling my story. It should be the same with telling my story about life with a spouse with ASD. I should be believed about my experience.


Cassandra
6:33 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

I was married to a man with undiagnosed Asperger's syndrome. Went through counseling where the counselor knew nothing about it. Went through divorce and child custody case... courts know nothing about it. I have survived and reading websites like this is helpful. I want to educate people about it but I look like a typical ex wife. This is different especially where children are involved. I am not sure what my future holds but I plan to do something so the courts understand it more. I did not endure what I did for no reason. Good luck and God bless all of you!


Hustru til Asperger
6:33 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

Today I found this website. Thank you for being here. I live in Denmark married to an Asperger husbond for many years. There is no network for Asperger partners in my country. Asperger is focuses only when it comes to children and young people. It was a relief for me to find the concept Cassandra phenomenom. The Impacts and Deficits in NT ASD Relationships Table is an exellent instrument to keep focus on my situation - instead of getting sucked into my husbonds abnormal perception of reality. If Alice in Wonderland stayed there for 16 years - would she not have to surrender to the bizarre perception of everything, just to survive?


DT
6:26 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

I commend you on your bravery to say it how it really is. I agree with your article about counselling us and how the so-called experts try to get us to give more and more of our already depleted selves to support the AS person that they sympathize with because they themselves have the same traits. There are so few specialist counsellors in this area for partners that I am beginning to think that those who have a special interest in it are themselves somehow affected. I found "The Bottom Line" article particularly challenging but it confirmed for me what I already felt anyway at my core. Your site is so helpful. Keep up the great work.


Meliss
6:21 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

My husband I believe has undiagnosed Aspergers, He is not well. He is violent. He is mean. He is obsessed with objects, things. He lacks emphathy. I wish I could say positive things about being married to him, but I can't. It is hell. I am in hell. My kids are in hell. There is no relief for those of us suffering.


Mary
6:19 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

I am so grateful for this site. I have returned to it often over the course of this year. I only wish I had this resource as a child and then as an adult when I found myself married and in a similar relationship to that of my parents. Both my father and my husband are on the Aspie-continuum. Now divorced, with three kids I border on regret and think I went crazy...until I read the chart on this webisite- When I read "Death by a thousand paper cuts" I cry. I wince at the terms of my divorce and struggle but then I realize "of course" then divorce and issues we continue to have will suffer from the same issues our marriage had. Initially I think- will suffer from the same issues that I have but am still coming to see that MY issues might not be just MY issues, at all. I have a lot to heal. Thank you for the resources. Thank you all for the testimonies- at some point I will be able to read them all- it is just hard right now and I trust I will be able to find the ability to have the conversations with my children without it seeming like I am being hurtful toward their father or influencing their relationship negatively.


Jack
6:16 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

Wow...It's hard to describe what it's like to be hit with the realization that the impossible situation you have been dealing with is all due to something you've never heard of before. Asperger's. For the last 7 months I've been meeting with this nice girl, we're in our 50's, and I've never been so utterly confused, hurt, lonely, unhappy - while being so drawn to her it's impossible to stop thinking about her. I can only describe it as the simultaneous feeling of being so close to someone, and yet still feeling as though they're a million miles away. She would behave when we were together as if we were getting closer and closer and closer in our "relationship' then as soon as we were apart, it was almost like we'd never even met. She would invite mer to her house to visit, and eventually even came to my house to visit, but would never come out with me in public, would never sit with me if we were at the same public event, and still to this day, will not come out and do anything with me. Despite how much fun and enjoyment we both seem to experience when we're together. The pain and confusion is almost unbearable. It makes you ask - what could I possibly be doing wrong. Well - nothing. There's nothing this nice young lady can do about it. Nothing. She doesn't miss me when we're apart. She doesn't wish we could get closer. She doesn't hope that our relationship gets stronger. She says she really wants to be friends and doesn't want to "lose" me, which was a surprising thing to hear. However she just doesn't seem capable of really participating in a friendship. She has no real friends of her own, no past boyfriends that are still in her life, she's divorced. She reports that one of her son's has AS, but has never said anything about herself potentially having it. But it's obvious. The pain that comes from trying to enjoy life by being close to someone with AS, and not knowing it, is only slightly relieved by finding out about AS in the first place. I think I might have gone completely insane had I not discovered this "difference" in people. I would have thought I was not worthy of her affection, a worthless person and I would have gone mad wondering what was wrong with me. I think all I can do is quietly and compassionately move on. I will respond to her when she contacts me, but I can't invite her out anymore, only to have her change her mind many times, eventually to cancel at the last minute and leave me in despair. She can't help it. Why do we fall in love with them? they are so beautiful on the inside, in many ways. And yet it is a trainwreck waiting to happen - if we don't find a way to separate our lives from them. I will miss her so much.


Jody
6:16 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

After reading your site and the valuable information here I'm convinced Donald J Trump, President of the USA has autism, with the co-morbid psychopathy and narcissism. My husband has autism and he's excluded from jury duty and the military because of the deficits. The Presidency should also be an exclusion.


Nita
6:15 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

I recently came to the realization that my husband is somewhere on the autism spectrum. I'm not entirely sure that it's ASD, but I know from his behavior and characteristics that he's on the spectrum. I first read through the testimonials listed here and it was refreshing to know that I am not the only one suffering in an isolated, parent-child marriage. Like many of you, I have been chalked up as a "mean wife" to my "sweet natured" husband who appears "nice, yet quiet" while at the same time completely lacks skills associated with finances, social/personal responsibility. When we dated, it was the typical qualities that made me fall for him. Being in the same house however, watching him struggle time and again and never quite understanding what those quirks such as stimming, repetitive responses, lack of eye contact were all about, I thought momentarily that I was the crazy one. I suspect that our pastor and other friends who've tried counseling us believe we are just a couple in a young marriage trying to figure things out. Wrong. I wasn't born last night, and I've always known Brian to be "different," but could never adequately explain this different-ness. I once was asked by a friend who tried offering her support, "what's your problem" when I tried explaining the baffling nature of our marriage and all she could see was a kind man. Make no mistake, he is kind. Unlike some of the testimonials, my husband is not mean-natured, but does lack empathy for others and takes a "it's them not me" approach to nearly every situation, causing him to justify his lack of responsibility. I don't blame him at all for his condition, but I lack patience for one who does not take steps to help themselves. Further, I've found myself resentful toward his parents for not getting him the help he needed as a child. Perhaps his situation would be different (though I don't know the fully story behind his upbringing; perhaps they did try to help him and he refused it). I am the bill payer, time manager, calendar keeper, cook, mother, housekeeper. I've put my life aspirations on hold because I simply don't have time with the demanding responsibilities going on. Twice I've taken vacations without him (which is a way for me to take a break from the overwhelming burden of taking care of a grown adult) and have been made to feel guilty for doing so. Before him, I was an independent woman, taking care of myself and child and living life with ambition and gusto. Those days are a mere memory and my resentment toward him grows everyday as a result. I should also note that he has been diagnosed with ADHD. Coupled with AS, it is a whirlwind in our household. I don't want to sound like the uncompassionate wife, but it is so hard. I long to have intellectual conversation with other adults. My 10yo is intellectually and emotionally more mature than he. It saddens me because I don't want to quit my marriage, but I'm alone now more than when I was single. He has agreed to counseling, but doesn't follow therapeutic advise. The problem is, he's seeing someone who is not clinically trained in treating adults on the AS. In the age of the internet, I am so shocked at the few or lack of resources for spouses of someone on the AS. Further, is there not formal education for clinicians on this very niche and hard to explain disorder? This site is about as close as I've come to finding anything and I'm grateful for that. It adds a little hope to our future. God bless all of you out there who may be in similar predicaments.


Peter
6:15 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

What a great site and it is a relief to find others in the same boat. I liked JA Morgan's neat table. Effects of Differing Neuro Developmental Levels On Neurotypical/autism Adult Relationships. It was a great summary of the various aspects of Asperger's and how it affects the behaviors of people with it and the impact of those behaviors on those who for one reason or another have to be in close physical and/or psychological proximity with them


Anna Green
6:15 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

Hello dear fellow partners of Aspies, This is what I understand. There is no reflective moment, no sadness, pain, physical or emotional, no grief, no small human feeling in me to which my husband will respond with empathy for me. Instead, those particular moments are entirely about his anger, his needs, his headache, his pain, his disappointment in my failure to be a better wife. It took me a few years to understand that this was no coincidence. I understand that if I don't bow to his greater needs, our marriage will not make it through the day. Because, for my husband, he is always and ever the most in pain, working the hardest, earning the most money, cleaning the kitchen the most and the best, controlling the food, the washing, doing all of the driving on the holidays, the dominant partner and the dominant parent. My husband actually believes he is our marriage and our life. With young children and run off my feet most days, I am treading water. I have become very good at emotionally insulating myself, almost to the point of numbness. Also, there are amazingly lots of great things in our lives together and he is a good Dad while the children are very young, I believe this will change. Its such a hard, complex and very lonely problem. Best wishes to you all


Perry
6:14 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

Every single one of the testimonies that I just read through are spot on. It is a very tough, lonely life to live in this manner. I am constantly criticized, chastised, insulted, and even humiliated because I let my wife know how much I am deprived of sensual, friendly, compassionate, and even normal human contact. It is always about her and her pain. While I get the pain issues, what I don't get is why or how anybody can treat another human the way I get treated. One moment it's "I Love You", then the next words uttered is something unbelievably hateful. She blames me for all of her issues, her pain, her hate, her resentment. She also blames me for things that she does to me, such as not being respectful of her time, cooking (she has never cooked a meal for me at home). She treats others as vessels that have things to help her but only very rarely reciprocates. She has no true friends and her eldest son does his best to put up with her theatrics. We spend many nights in separate bedrooms because she gets angry and leaves when I bring relationship, finance, family or any topic for that matter, up at bedtime. Then the hateful text messages start. I have finally been able to ignore them When I have had enough of being isolated (usually three or more weeks), I bring them up during waking moments, those issues get brushed off as unimportant or everything gets tossed into the sex realm. I would love to just have a normal marriage where I can bring things up to my wife. I do listen to her of course, whenever and wherever topics are brought up but rarely am I listened to in those conversations so I end up just listening without getting to say anything. I understand that listening is absolutely essential in a marriage, however that should happen both ways when needed. I don’t have that luxury. I don’t know what is right and wrong, real or imaginary anymore. Without a doubt, I am going through some traumatic disorder as the days drag on without any potential for my wife to embrace our marriage.


Vince
6:13 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

"Mommy" is tired of answering questions. But I don't have any actual kids in my home. I have a husband with autism. No, I don't know what that thing on the carpet is. No, I don't know what that paper in the front yard is. I wish you could get out of your recliner and go look since I'm making dinner with a headache and three weeks of heart palpitations. I'm tired of being grilled for the most basic information that other people just intuit from normal interactions. You're locked out of your online bank account because I screwed up on the password a bunch of times because I didn't know you'd changed it. Oh, but 1,600 questions later, you're sort of understanding the situation. 'Did you actually mean 1,600 questions, because I only asked three questions and how is that "grilling?"' Mommy needs a break.


Carrie
6:12 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

To Lynn who posted on Feb 28th 2016: My situation is very close to yours. I am at my wits end and my children are aligning behind my ASD husband so that if I leave I will be left with nothing. It is so close to this article I can't believe it. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-with-undiagnosed-autism-why-women-who-leave-lose-twice-0420164 I am running out of life options. Everyone please post your life's challenges in this ASD-NT world. It helps to know we are not alone. And it is an outlet for you. I have lost my life to someone who treats me with no respect. I will lose my children


Desert Flower
6:12 AM
Wed 1st Aug, 2018

Wow...so grateful I found this site. Just WOW. I left a career and married a man who is definitely an undiagnosed Aspie. I have felt like Im losing my mind I was his 3rd wife by the time he was 40...He is smart, educated, a great provider....I gave up all security to marry and blend a family. I first came to a realization something was wrong when his mom was having a serious surgery, he said to her on the phone, "good luck" then carried on with his bike ride. Nothing matters to him except his interests...always angry, insults, never praises, finds fault, is never wrong....blurred boundaries. I used to be a strong, confident woman. I have been emotionally deprived and destroyed.


jm
7:13 AM
Thu 26th Jul, 2018

this site is extremely helpful explaining the confusion in my life.