Cold and Unfeeling

I have been with my partner for 30 years. He runs a physics lab at a university. He is extremely supportive on a material level and can fix all kind of things too, washing machines, heaters, water heaters, cars. But he is very robotic with a huge lack of feelings often.

He seems to sympathize with me when he can see a tangible problem, an obvious material need. But he is very cold and cruel emotionally. Once, when I was on a medication for pain and it made me very ill and I cried, he yelled at me to get over it. His lack of empathy over the years and his cold personality have been so hurtful.

But here is the worst part: He felt that Osama Bin laden was a "cutie" and this week with the Las Vegas shooter he objected to my statement that the shooter was a horrible "creep". He said he was interested in learning what motivated him. He said he thought it was "interesting". He had no feeling for the victims - not until I said, “What if he shot your mother, brother and two sisters? Is that interesting? Would it be interesting to find out what he was doing then?" Then he had some feelings.

I felt sick at his initial reactions to the shooting, and he acts superior as if I am wrong. He once told me he had a fantasy of spraying bullets into a crowd, and I think he is jealous of functional people. He will not admit to jealousy. Only if I retell a story to make him involved, a central character in something that is happening to him or his family, can he even feel a shred of empathy for someone.

I am exhausted with having to repeatedly tell him stories to turn his heartless and cruel reaction into some kind of understanding, which is momentary as he just does it again with the next instance. He has done the same thing about the Syrian refugees. No feelings, no emotions, he does not appear to feel bad for them in any way as my heart is being ripped out watching their stories. He says I don’t understand what is going on over there. I feel very alone at times like this.

I am an adult child of alcoholics and have a very wonderful women's support group that is very healing and helps me grow. But, I now know I need a close friendship with an emotionally healthy person, someone who can feel the full range of emotions, and I do not know how this will occur for me. I have to phone my partner - he rarely ever phones me or asks me how I am. Yet, I am making friends with some of the women in my group, a bit closer than just being at a meeting. We have gone out to lunch together.

This site helped me a lot as did the site "The truth about Asperger's" Before I found these sites, all the sites were for helping people with Asperger's, not the suffering partners or family or friends.

© 2017 JD