Disconnection is the solution

I started my life's journey with this man in 1989 when the Berlin Wall came down and my wall started to be built brick by brick by making him more important than my own breath. Twenty-eight years later my wall is finished, him on the other side, being married in the process of getting legally separated, him upstairs, me downstairs, not being able to say a single word to him, the stranger who claimed all his rights, helped by everybody and loving his cat.

I am grateful we are finally done with me trying to fix him.

Every day is another day I can live in freedom making decisions, understanding myself, hoping for joy and being lucky, follow simple guidelines being financially independent, rebuilding the resemblance of a social life, feel the pain, break down and an hour later had not acted upon it but felt my way through it. So proud of myself.

I learnt so much, discovered my strengths and weaknesses found out what people do not like about me and accept that too.

Twenty-eight years for nothing? I will be sixty this year and it is as if he is dead but look! he does exactly the same, looks the same, dresses the same, eats the same but is finally in a house that's paid for, in receipt of two pensions and his son can look after him where it used to be my part. (for the life of me I cannot call him my husband, friend, lover, partner, man but he is a glorified caretaker and maintenance man) told the health worker in our kitchen in my presence that his next of kin is his son.

Today and every day now when I am in our house I live by a simple thought and mantra " I do nothing against him and nothing for him " and this makes me a better person and I smile a lot. Often, I actively close off to his presence, not wanting to know anything about him anymore, I go shopping just for me, our stocks bought by me are slowly but surely getting less, this is missing, gone, finished. He will have to buy these things soon. What a relief as I do not feel obliged or driven anymore out of fear being shouted at, belittled and criticised for everything yet nothing.

I am on my way and quite curious and really grateful for what life will offer up.

We, the carers, do matter for one another.

© D 2017