Sixty Five and Not Out

When I first met my partner he was the man of my dreams and slowly over the years those dreams disintegrated. At that time I didn't understand what I had done for it all to change. Now I understand I didn't do anything wrong but I had no chance; I had no idea what I was getting into. 
I was living with my partner for several years and as the time for our wedding came closer I decided not to marry him. Then I went one step further: I am now living on my own in a wonderful haven of peace.  I have the property for a year and am not sure what will happen after that time, but all I know is: leaving was the right thing to do.

During the relationship my health was deteriorating rapidly and I was feeling so low mentally.  More family things happened, more spite arrived, and it just pushed me that bit further.  I am one of the lucky ones, in as much as I had a little money behind me to be able to do this.  The money won't last for long, but even if I only have one year of tranquillity, it would be worth it.

I have been away from him for nearly two and a half months and to make it easier with our parting I agreed to be friends.  Whenever we do come together it's like standing outside looking in and I realise the mental and emotional abuse I have gone through for the last 10 years.

Everything he says now seems so strange and controlling: even now he still tries to exert his authority and misguided thoughts over me.  I remind him that we are no longer living together and he should find the respect for me that he seems to have for everybody else.  I see things now I never saw before and I wonder why partners are expected to change while  the person with Asperger’s isn't expected to learn to live in a more acceptable way.  My partner hides behind his Asperger’s and seems to think it gives him the excuse to be as he wants to be and that I and everybody should be as he wants and to excuse him.

Neurotypicals have a right to live a happy life, as everybody has.  When there’s a partner with AS in the mix it becomes all about that the neurotypical adjusting to the other while living a life of misery and loneliness in a desperate attempt to keep a family together.  I was lucky I wasn't in this same situation, but I had still become trapped. I was becoming lonely and miserable.

My relationship with my daughter is getting better. She says I am so much different than when I was in that relationship. My friends also recognize the change in me.   I received a birthday card from my partner tonight and he wrote, "You don't look your age and you will look younger without all the stress".  I had to laugh as he still doesn't realise the situation.

I wish so much that more people would listen to what we have to say.  In UK there is very little help available for Adult Asperger’s, either for sufferers or their partners.  By that I mean by way of social gatherings where we can talk about our situations.  With more than one in a hundred reported as having Asperger’s why do the experts not do more for the family members?

© Elizabeth 2014